


After the Fall

by Ashbear



Series: After the Fall [1]
Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-06-11
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 01:59:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 585,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashbear/pseuds/Ashbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the fall that defines your path. It's how you continue after the fall that defines who you are. In one second, a bullet changed everything. If the words you confessed weren't meant to be heard, would it be enough to erase the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fortune's Hostage, Definition of a Sunrise, and Delusions of Reality

**Author's Note:**

> On July 18th I changed the amount of chapters from 32 to 34, that is because the number increased to 88 in total. It won't change again, promise! But I felt as if putting four 12k+ in one chapter would be too much. Okay, the whole story is _too much_, but it's been fun. I will also edit and re-post a shorter version, but will leave this 'original version' on the site. It will be the only copy of this in the future, the others will be condensed. ;)

** _After the Fall _ **

_ **Chapter One: Fortune's Hostage** _

When you wake up from the sunset, what comes next?

When the majestic white stallion, the one on which you were whisked away on, is now just grazing haplessly in the field. When you finally realize that your knight in shining armor, who seemed so fearless and dignified, is just a man beneath it all. When something you believed was perfect, was only perfect in your mind. When you reach that cruel moment where reality hits you with full force, wake up from the dream and then realize it was just that - _a dream_.

It's the fall that defines your path through life, for it's how you continue after the fall that defines who you are.

Some days are more testing than others, and some nights are an endless crusade. It's all an ocean, an infinite sea of remorse and you are caught alone, trapped within its current. Like the sailors hearing the siren's call, the regret beckons you within the darkness that accompanies the night.

You try, God do you try, to act like the fall never hurt.

But it did. It still does…

You try not to be bitter, you try to understand, you try everything… but _everything_ is always just out of reach, and as the months pass on, you do better… but never 'well.' Your life moves on, and so does _theirs_, but you always dwell on the '_what could have been_.'

Maybe some things are just never meant to be, and you have to accept that fact. And how do you know if you have survived the fall? It's when the past catches up to you, and you are able to look _him_ in the eyes… and finally say goodbye.

* * *

"This… is… so…uncomfortable," she rasped irritably under her breath. "How am I supposed to be in this thing all day?"

"It's a wedding dress Selphie, it isn't designed for comfort." Quistis gave the young woman a stern look. "Now sit still or I'm never going to get your hair done."

The blonde placed one hand firmly on the bride's shoulder, while the other reached for the bobby pin that she'd been holding between her teeth. Parting a small section of hair, she twisted it around her fingertip, before using the pin to fasten her veil.

"Quistis! You just had that in your mouth."

"Deal with it Selphie," she replied sarcastically. "If my germs are the biggest thing you have to deal with today, consider yourself lucky."

"Gross… _Quistis germs_." A voice replied dryly from the doorway. "You have all the sympathy in the world from me, Selphie."

The women turned to see a lone figure walking into the room, wearing a long red gown. Her hair was slightly darker than they remembered, and large curls replaced its normally straight appearance. The sides were pulled back, fastened behind with a small group of scarlet flowers. A spaghetti-strap bodice fitted her upper body, and from the ballerina waistline, a chiffon overskirt flowed with each step. Selphie leapt from her chair, forgoing all proper wedding etiquette. She immediately ran over, tossing her arms around her friend enthusiastically.

"Rinoa!"

"Yes, Selphie, I'm here. I'm here." The young woman answered, stating the obvious. She returned the hug gently, positive that at any moment a rib was going to puncture her lung from the excited girl's brute force. Selphie finally freed her from the death grip, still keeping her arm around Rinoa's shoulder.

"Nice dress." Quistis pointed at the sorceress' red gown.

"You too." She mirrored the gesture at the instructor's outfit. Rinoa feigned disgust, "I'm so embarrassed, the sales lady told me this was _one of a kind_."

"Come here." The blonde pulled her into an embrace, remembering just how much time had passed. The instructor wiped away a few stray tears from her cheeks, before taking a step back. Rinoa smiled knowingly, it wasn't something that had to be spoken aloud. They had grown close over the years, and now that one of them was missing, it never felt complete.

Rinoa had sworn she wasn't going to cry today, but sometimes fate kept its own agenda. It took everything the young sorceress had just to walk into the building, let alone think about the past. But years ago, the three had made a pact to be a part of each other's weddings, no matter the circumstances. Maybe it just was their teenage delusions of the future, or maybe it was a sign even they knew things would eventually have to change. It was just that back then, none of them had foreseen Selphie being the first to marry. But things do change. _Lives change_. Rinoa caught herself within the memories, and quickly tried to get this reunion back on a positive note.

"My God… You're beautiful."

Taking a step back, she took a good look at Selphie, who she'd never seen so elegant before. The ivory dress flattered her natural complexion, and having her hair pulled into a sweeping bun was very becoming. Small tendrils were curled lightly around her face, and small baby-breath and silk ribbons intertwined atop the netted veil. The gown itself was off the shoulders, and the ornate beadwork emphasized her petite figure. Rinoa wasn't sure if she had ever seen a more beautiful gown, or whether it was because one of her closest friends was wearing it. Yet, somehow, underneath the elegance, Selphie hadn't changed. Her energetic and positive nature outshone any amount of satin and lace.

"Thanks, just don't tell anyone, it might ruin my image. Somehow people don't want to hire 'beautiful' demolition experts."

"I still can't believe you talked Cid into an entire demolitions' program." Rinoa commented as the three slowly returned to the dressing area.

"I think secretly he likes to blow up things too."

Pointing impatiently at the chair, Quistis cleared her throat in aggravation. Selphie sighed heavily as she awkwardly sat back down in the 'seat of doom.' Truly, she considered that wearing a wedding dress was some primitive form of torture, and she wondered now why she'd opted for a traditional ceremony. Irvine's first thought of eloping in Deling was looking pretty damn good.

Before she took a seat of her own, Rinoa helped smooth out the fabric of the bride's dress. The dark haired woman couldn't help but laugh aloud, when noticing her friend had yet to put on the proper foot attire. The bride to be was running around in Chocobo print socks. It looked very _Selphie_, and she was glad that some things never changed.

"I'm so sorry I missed the rehearsal, I just couldn't get away," apologized Rinoa.

"It's no problem. You walk, you stand, and then you walk back… I'm sure you'll figure out that complicated program."

"I'll manage." She laughed. "You said I was walking down the aisle with Zell?"

"Yeah, don't worry, he'll escort you to where you have to stand." The green-eyed girl shifted, bouncing in the chair several times. Quistis groaned in aggravation as the veil she was attempting to fasten shifted to one side.

"Move again and I'm super-gluing this in place, got it deary?"

"Fine, fine Quistis… but I have to tell Rin about last night! It was so funny! Since you guys didn't show up… we needed stand-ins for the dress rehearsal. So, we dared Zell and Quistis to walk down the aisle with hotdogs… and they did it!"

"W-What?"

"Oh, it was a dare!" Selphie explained as Quistis held her down with one hand. "We had eaten beforehand, and Irvine reminded Zell of his old hotdog fixation… Saying something juvenile along the lines of, '_I thought you would marry one_.' Don't ask what got us to this point…did I mention the wine? A _lot _of wine? Well anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up bringing two hotdogs into the rehearsal. I guess you had to have been there."

"Um… yeah. Not really sure how I feel being replaced by meat byproducts, but I'll take your word on it." All three girls were giggling at the pure lunacy of the entire ordeal. "And did you say Zell's _'old hotdog'_ fixation?"

Quistis chuckled, recalling the countless hours they had spent teasing their friend. "Yeah, he actually became a vegetarian when he started dating Alexandra, so he's sworn them off."

"Wow. It must be love."

"Or insanity," counted Selphie. "The jury's still out."

"Wait… wait, back on the subject of last night. Quistis, how in this world did they talk _you_ into walking down the aisle with a hotdog?" Rinoa raised an eyebrow, looking suspiciously at the instructor. It wasn't like her to go along with their childish shenanigans. At Garden, she was the one keeping the peace and acting the impartial referee.

"Yeah, well… again, that 'wine' thing came into play. I don't know… I just felt compelled to do it."

"Plus, we threatened to tell the Trepies about her escapades in Dollet_ that_ summer. I still have the mug shots!" Selphie put her arms up in front of her, acting as if her wrists were handcuffed together.

"Selphie, I told you the officer dropped the charges! It was all a misunderstanding… how many times do we have to go through this?"

"Until I believe it." Selphie winked at Rinoa. It was something the three had sworn to secrecy, but they still liked to hold the 'incident' over one another's heads. Although it really was just a case of mistaken identity, it was so much better the way that the guys had interpreted the facts.

"Great, well then… at least I don't feel like I was the only one replaced by a hotdog."

"Nah," answered Selphie absentmindedly, messing with some hanging beadwork on her dress. "Quistis is walking down the aisle with Sq-". She never finished the name, shutting her mouth as she looked at her friend remorsefully. "Sorry, Rin. I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay Selphie. I know he's going to be there. I'm just sorry that he wasn't at the rehearsal last night. I hope it wasn't because of our past."

"Rin, we don't know why he didn't show. But he'll be here today," answered Quistis truthfully. She set the comb down on the vanity, looking toward the young woman. She knew this day was going to be hard on her, and she had a newfound appreciation of her friend's courage to even show. She wondered if she could be that strong.

Rinoa smiled. "This day isn't about me… or him. It's about Irvine and Selphie, and that's all that matters."

* * *

The small buds of the cherry blossoms were just beginning to emerge from their dormant state. The vibrant pink and crimson blooms contrasted with the lighter, almost gray shades of the trunk. He had never looked at trees, or even thought about the flowering plants, but right now, this one held some unseen fascination.

He hadn't meant to see her… or at least so soon. He couldn't help but watch as she got out of the cab, and then he couldn't help but watch as she stood there, looking more beautiful than he ever remembered. The red bridesmaid dress was identical to Quistis', but somehow it stood out more on Rinoa - maybe it was the darker colored hair, or maybe it was just _her_. She wore a light jacket over her shoulders, and carried a single wrapped package under one arm. The spring breeze blew long curls over her face, and she tried hopelessly to keep them pulled back.

And there he was standing against the wall, just like some feeble, speechless teenager again. The only difference is that he was in his early twenties, and this time she wouldn't ask him to dance.

So all the young man could do was watch her. He knew her too well. Inside she was uncertain about showing up, combating a thousand mixed emotions. But Selphie and Irvine were her friends, and she regarded that bond as standing above any indignant feelings lingering towards him. For a day she would set aside their past, living in the present in honor of her friends.

It was as if he was in a trance, reliving the pain all over again. Last night he couldn't even show up… it was a bitter irony that she had missed the rehearsal too. Squall wondered if she'd at least come up with a more plausible excuse than his. He couldn't even think of one, opting to just leave a message that he was simply 'busy.' Damn, he loathed himself for being so weak, but he wasn't ready last night…he wasn't ready today.

For a second, his heart stopped mid beat. Rinoa looked towards the window, staring at something that caught her attention. Shit. She couldn't see him, could she? Could she sense him? Was it some sorceress – former knight connection that the textbooks neglected to mention? He would have run if his legs had found the will, but all he could do was stare like a prisoner seeing freedom draw nearer. She reached the end of the pavement and set the package down on the sidewalk. The heels' of her shoes sank into the grass; she looked more angelic with every step. His mouth felt like sandpaper, and his heart pounded like a jackhammer in his chest, as he continued to be entranced.

It was at that moment that she stopped at a nearby cherry blossom tree. The young man wasn't sure what she was doing; her actions ever left him slightly bewildered. She ran her trembling fingertips lightly over the bark, raising herself up on her tiptoes. It looked as if she was trying to take in the fragrance of the budding blossoms. From his vantage point, he could see the tranquility in her expression as she absorbed the surrounding nature. Was there something that he was missing?

He could tell she was still nervous, yet there seemed to be an aura of peace enveloping her. Maybe she just needed something soothing to get her mind off of… well, seeing him. For another minute, she stood wordlessly under the tree with her eyes closed, leaning her back against it for support, as the breeze caressed her body and the rays of sun touched their heavenly fingers to her face.

Squall wondered if she could possibly know how close he was. What would she think if she knew he was scrutinizing every small detail? The serenity ended too soon as she slowly retreated, grabbing the gift and heading toward the main entrance. It then dawned on him that, for the first time in two years, they would be under the same roof.

And so he stood.

Against a wall, alone, and discovering the splendor of the tree she had just taken time to appreciate. That was only one of their many differences, she was the type to stop and enjoy the majesty of the natural surroundings, and he was there to inevitably destroy it.

"Hey man, you going to join us sometime today?" Zell's voice brought him back into the here and now, although part of him wanted to stay in the 'there' and 'then.' "Irvine is just about to give me seventy-five reasons why marriage is better than bachelorhood, and then I'm countering each one with why it's not. We placed a hundred Gil on who can come up with the better list. Come on man, I may need you as back up on this one."

The commander shrugged agreeably. "Fine." He, himself, could come up with a thousand cons not to get married, but he only needed one pro….

"I still can't believe she talked you into it!" The martial artist exclaimed as he sat down on a small sofa in the center of the room. "I figured you'd be the last one to actually go through with this." Zell leaned back, clasping both hands behind his head. "And they called me a _chicken-wuss_."

Irvine laughed at his friend, so arrogant, so confident…so on the verge of being in his place. The sharpshooter knew they'd be attending _Zell's wedding_ within the year. Hell, the martial artist had given up hotdogs, and that was a life-altering decision. Walking down the aisle couldn't be that far behind.

Irvine's tone was as serious as they had ever heard. "Zell... I know you still won't believe me, but I'm the one who wanted to settle down. I guess when you find your soul mate you just know it."

_"Squall, who in the hell finds their soul mate at seventeen, huh?" _

The commander could still hear her voice the day she left - so bitter, so resentful... so hurt. And he just stood there dumfounded, never finding the words to answer her question. What could he have said? All rights were relinquished with his mistakes.

It rained outside the day she left, and every day since then in his heart. Irvine and Selphie had found that conviction which they had lacked. Funny thing was, Squall would've bet those two wouldn't last in a relationship for more than six months. That is why the commander learned a long time ago never to bet. The odds were never stacked in his favor, no matter what cards he held in his hand.

"Come on Squall, back me up here."

"Zell," his tone was earnest, given the lightheartedness of the conversation. "You are as pleased for them as I am. It says something when two people can work out their differences, finding a common ground. And you can come up with a hundred reasons why he shouldn't get married, but it won't matter… he only needs one in favor."

"Squall?" Although glad for his comments, Irvine knew that whatever his friend was saying was coming from experience, and not from empty guidance. "Did she come?"

"You knew she would." He answered honestly. "Look… it doesn't matter. This isn't about our past, but about your future."

Zell moved his hands from his head, cracking his knuckles in the uncomfortable silence. It wasn't out of rudeness, but simply a nervous habit he'd acquired over years of using them as weapons. He was just as happy for his friend as the commander. In fact, nobody could imagine this _not_ happening. Part of him wanted to try to keep the mood jovial, trying to focus only on the wedding.

"Hey guys, I'm going to go check on the girls. See what's going on." The blond stated before getting up.

As he left the room, Irvine stood and started putting on his tuxedo jacket. Both he and Selphie decided to keep the wedding away from Garden and its traditions. They each had treasured their time there, but also part of them wanted to focus on life after the military.

Irvine's ponytail was neatly combed and fastened near the base of his neck. It was one of the first instances in recent memory that the cowboy had been separated from his hat. It almost felt as if part of him was missing, for it was a material item that was just as much a part of his persona as his smile.

So there the young groom stood, wearing a long-tailed black jacket. The two other groomsmen were also adorning the tradition tuxedos, although not sporting the long tails.

"You really okay man?" Irvine asked as he straightened his collar.

"It's just seeing her again…" He stopped, realizing that he couldn't do this now. Not today.

"I know. I know. Time has a way of making things better. The scars will still be there, but maybe the hurt will be a little less."

_"Damn it, it's never going to hurt less."_ He looked down, seeing the platinum ring encircling his finger. The sculptured lion seemed to glare up at him, reminding him of his failures. And that is why he wore it, a constant reminder of his job and of all it cost him.

The choice he made, the uncertainties that he could never overcome... in one moment of fear, frozen between two_ jobs_, commander and knight, he took the one that would never be full of uncertainty, the one that would never abandon him...

* * *

* * *

** _Chapter Two: Definition of a _ ** ** _Sunrise_ **

Rinoa closed her eyes the minute someone knocked on the door. Something inside was telling her it wasn't him; he didn't knock like that. Only one person she knew would knock in such a rhythmic pattern – _and_ _so many times._ The door opened slightly after Selphie yelled to come on in.

"Everyone decent in here? Because if they are, I'll come back in a few minutes."

Quistis rolled her eyes. Now that Irvine was getting married, she guessed it was up to one of the other two guys to come up with the one-liners – and it certainly wasn't going to be Squall.

"Get in here!" Selphie demanded as she hurried toward the martial artist.

"Wow…" He was almost speechless seeing her dressed up so elegantly for the first time. "Selphie is that you? I can barely recognize you."

He extended his arms forward, with the intention of giving the bride a hug. As he did, she grabbed his wrist and twisted it quickly. Wincing in pain momentarily, he swiftly admitted defeat as she still had his arm pinned securely behind his back.

"Ouch! Okay, mercy, mercy it is you!"

"Darn right, who else could kick your butt like that?" She let go, giving him an actual hug.

"Nobody," he replied sheepishly. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks. Oh, wait… come over here! Look who is back!" Selphie dragged him by his hand into the back of the room where Rinoa was seated on a small settee.

Standing up, the sorceress walked slowly over to him. "Hey you, still being good?"

"Don't you know it Rin. When haven't I been good?"

"You really want me to answer that?" He met her halfway, giving her a giant bear hug. Two – that made _two_ ribs today that she thought had to be broken, at the very least fractured. Were her friends always this strong? "Hyne, I've missed you Zell." She wiped her eyes as he moved away. This was going to be a very, very long day.

"We need to go on out now. I ran into Elle on the way here, she said everyone's been seated. They're just awaiting the stars of the show."

"Can I get an understudy?" Selphie nervously joked.

"Come on, we'll be with you all the way." Quistis offered her friend. She took the last few moments to tuck a few stray hairs under Selphie's veil.

Rinoa handed the bride a large bouquet of crimson roses, before grabbing the two smaller sprays for her and Quistis. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could trip, I could pass out, I could get sick, I could say the wrong name-"

"What!" The three members of the wedding party interrupted in unison.

"Kidding, kidding. I'm as ready as I'm going to get." Selphie finally assured the trio, as the two bridesmaids walked out first, signaling the all clear.

Rinoa grasped the green-taped handle of the bouquet as if it were her last foothold on reality. Everyone there knew she was as nervous, if not more, than the bride was. And one thing was for sure… Rinoa would never be ready for this day.

The commander uneasily paced back and forth, finally settling on a spot against a wall. From here, he could look into the main sanctuary, seeing Irvine patiently standing over to the right hand side of the aisle. The man looked so calm, nothing seemed to intimidate him, at least where love was concerned. God how he envied him. Irvine had been a different person before he'd met Selphie, but somehow she brought the best out in him… and that was all it took.

It wasn't like Squall had spent the last two years thinking about _her_ every minute…just maybe once an hour. He had gone on, because there was no other choice. What else could he do? Become that person he was before he met her? That wasn't even an option, because three years with someone he deeply cared about had changed him too… just not like Irvine.

He could hear the rustle of the net and fabric as the group came around the corner. Part of him didn't want to look. Yet part of him couldn't wait to look at her up close, to see the light reflect in her eyes, and the way her cheeks blushed when she smiled. He didn't turn around until he heard them nearing, and figured if he waited any longer he would just look like he was avoiding them… and he didn't want that either.

The young man wasn't sure when he had started holding his breath. Somewhere between hearing their anxious laughter, and finding the nerve to turn, he had inadvertently stopped breathing. He turned to see the group of four standing under the archway that lead into the greeting area. Selphie looked beautiful in her dress, but he really didn't notice. All he could see was Zell standing with his arm securely around Rinoa, and his friends laughing at something someone had just said.

She was smiling.

Of all the things he could have ever imagined at this reunion, it wouldn't have been her smiling. He wasn't sure what he had expected, maybe some kind of silent regret. He thought that maybe some part of her had missed him… at least he hoped. But there she stood looking more angelic than he remembered, with the smile that he once had managed to take away.

He never thought he would see her smile again. Now he was feeling like some kind of fool to be holding onto any hope of the past, when it was so obvious that she had moved on. It was then that he let his breath out, as he finally realized that the lack of oxygen was slowly starting to make his mind go numb. Or was it her?

She turned when she heard him, and smiled as she nodded her head in his direction. She wondered if he could tell her smile was forced, but he never was good at reading the meaning of some of her expressions. She knew because, if he had, they still might be standing together today.

Two years seemed to have been kind to him, and she silently hoped that her departure had changed him, but it was clear by his posture and composure that he hadn't. She wondered if he even thought about her anymore.

"Squall."

Rinoa addressed him first, wanting to avoid him seeing that she still hurt. She wondered if Zell could feel her arms tighten around his as she spoke. It hadn't been an intentional action, but more like a delayed nervous reflex.

The commander nodded, mirroring her gesture and acknowledging her presence. "Rinoa."

The martial artist turned to Quistis, completely aware of how much force was now surrounding his bicep. The blonde looked back at him with the same awareness, although she had to admit it was going better than she had hoped. She just wished that both of them had had the courage to show up last night, in order to avoid the awkwardness of their reunion on this day, right now. But they were both stubborn, and that was part of their charm, both individually and as a couple.

Squall knew this was Selphie's day, and he needed to get the attention off them. "You look absolutely beautiful-"

"Thanks." Rinoa answered, interrupting him and honestly surprised at the compliment, momentarily unaware that the young man hadn't finished his sentence.

"…Selphie."

The words _'thanks'_ and _'Selphie'_ were said in unison.

Rinoa thought in that moment that she could die. They already were at '_awkward moment number two_' and had been back together less than fifteen seconds. All she could do was smile, hoping that nobody had heard her. Why in the hell did she assume he was talking to her! It was Selphie's wedding and here she was already causing problems. Part of her wanted to run away, but she had already made a promise to herself she would see this through…for her friends.

"You look nice too, Rinoa." The commander answered after a few more seconds of silence. _"Hell, you look more than nice…beautiful, amazing, the most gorgeous person to grace this planet." _His mind was reeling, but instead he'd settled on the adjective 'nice,' could he go home now?

This time she didn't answer, she had already learned that lesson well. It was better just to get through this day with some dignity intact. Releasing her hold on Zell's arm, she moved in front of her escort, pretending that the last few minutes had never transpired.

"Let's say you and I go tear up that aisle." She said as she led him towards the main set of double doors.

The commander watched silently as Rinoa and Zell disappeared into the chapel, acting as if he were any other stranger. Although she had walked away almost three years ago, it felt like she was walking away all over again. And again, all he could do was stand against a wall and helplessly watch...

Somehow, as much as Squall tried to be pleased for his friends outwardly, he couldn't get pass the overflow of emotions caused by seeing her again. So close, within arm's reach... If he could just extend one arm, he could feel the texture of her soft skin. Of course, his sleeve would be right in front of the minister's face, and it may look a little bit obvious, but it didn't stop the daydream from entering his mind.

He wondered how the delicate satin of her dress would feel like under his fingertips, or her alabaster skin wrapped tightly in his arms. Again, it might look a little awkward having the best man sweeping a bridesmaid off of her feet during the ceremony... but he really didn't think his friends would mind the sudden intrusion. Right?

The commander couldn't hear the silence over the rapid pounding of his heart, and the deep, even breaths he was taking into his lungs. Wait, silence? It was just enough to snap him back into reality for yet another time today, as Irvine stood grinning slyly toward him.

"The rings, man. You've got them right?"

He reached into his pocket, trying not to notice the hundred sets of eyes upon him. So much for remaining the stable pillar of Balamb Garden, he was crumbling as hopelessly as the dust among the Centra Ruins.

Opening his mouth to utter an apology, it quickly came to pass that silence was golden at this particular moment. The sides of his mouth curled up into the traces of a smile, as he placed the dual bands in his best friend's palm. Extending his arm forward, the commander lightly patted the groom on the back offering support. He wondered why he'd forgone junctioning a Guardian Force today. If ever there were a time for casting a 'Stop' spell for a quick getaway, this would be a textbook case.

As the ceremony continued, he felt a small wave of relief for the interest returned toward the bride and groom. Although, he wasn't positive if the attention had ever completely been placed solely upon him. It felt as if Rinoa, and the greater population of Balamb, could see through his moronic absentmindedness.

Squall rubbed his temples as his thoughts drowned out the pastor's voice. He wished he could concentrate more on the service, but his heart was seemingly lost within his endless memories. That is all he had left, the memories of the life he could have had, should have had…

* * *

_It was late, and very few students were up at Garden. It was a sizzling August evening, almost a week after his twenty-first birthday. He had made sure his timing was perfect; she wouldn't be expecting this now... it was past _ _midnight_ _ and they had not planned to go out until the following evening. Although, even back then, she was clueless about his underlying motivations._

_He made her swear to keep her eyes shut, threatening to tickle her in an act of retaliation if she broke the sacred promise and peeked. And Hyne, did she hate being tickled with an unmatched passion. So she dutifully followed, being led by her knight, her fingers forever intertwined with his. _

_"Keep your eyes closed, Rin. I'm watching you." _

_"How can you watch me, and watch where you're going at the same time?"_

_"Because I'm just that damn good, and don't you **ever** forget it."_

_"Like you'd **ever **let me." She teased in reply. "Squall, seriously, where are you taking me? You know how much I hate surprises."_

_"No, you love them…you just hate the waiting."_

_"Fine, then don't make me wait."_

_"But what's the fun in that for me?"_

_"You are a meanie, aren't you Leonhart?"_

_"You bet." He playfully answered, opening a set of double glass doors._

_The warm evening breeze danced on her face, sending an exhilarating shiver throughout her entire body. He carefully led her out onto the veranda as their footsteps softly echoed on the marble floor._

_She knew exactly where they were now, but was taken aback as the rich aroma of flowers filled her senses. He made the symbolic, rather than practical, gesture of moving behind her and resting the tips of his fingers over her eyes._

_"Okay." He announced softly, removing his hands. _

_The balcony was a sea of crimson roses. Soft hurricane lamps flickered like brilliant fireflies, their glass domes protecting the small fires from the elements._

_She couldn't speak, couldn't even breathe, and if she had articulated anything, it surely wouldn't have been anything more than an inaudible syllable. His arms draped around her waist, pulling her back to his chest, as he nuzzled his face into the curve of her neck._

_"Happy Anniversary Rinoa, three years ago tonight, I fell in love." _

_"I take back the meanie comment," she whispered as the breeze caressed her face, and his warm breath caressed her neck. "Wait a second. I've known you longer than three years." She laughed at the realization. _

_"Uh…yeah," he admitted bashfully. "Well, it is me you're dealing with…it took me a little longer to realize what exactly I was feeling."_

_"But you did realize, that's all that matters." She smiled, tilting her head back toward him._

_He moved up slightly, placing his lips gently on hers. He could taste her, taste the flowers in the air, and the humidity within the air itself. She was the one to break the contact, letting her eyes focus on the ocean of beauty placed before her._

_"So what day is it exactly the anniversary of?"_

_"The day we freed you from Esthar… the day we looked out into a flower field and I could see forever…with you."_

_She would have laughed at the corniness if it hadn't been the most romantic words she'd ever heard. And those times with him were a rarity onto themselves. "You know if you had warned me, I would have worn something more appropriate than a t-shirt and jeans."_

_"Don't worry," he seductively whispered in her ear. "You won't be wearing them for too long."_

_He had the ring in his pocket that evening, but somehow those words escaped him. It was fear that kept his true emotions at bay, and that would eventually be the catalyst to his downfall. _

* * *

So he stood now, watching as two friends vowed their undying love to one another. He looked over to Rinoa, although his mind was screaming against the gesture of weakness. Her dark curls gently falling over her shoulders, baby roses, and thin silk ribbons highlighting her hair.

She wasn't one to conceal emotions, and he noticed the silvery trails of liquid tracing paths down her cheeks. Luckily, she was too intently gazing at the scene unfolding before her to notice his despondency.

The bride moved toward the altar, bringing the former knight's focus back to the ceremony. He watched silently as Selphie and Irvine reached for two thin tapered candles, before bringing the individual flames to a larger center candle. Together, they moved in unison imitating a graceful dance, igniting a solitary wick.

It was so beautiful in its simplicity, such a symbolic gesture without words or fanfare. Two hearts, two souls being bound together, forever as one.

And _this_ is what he was scared of? Of sharing something so personal, admitting his feelings, his fears, to more than just himself? Looking back, he realized he had been pushing her away from the moment she had gotten close enough to touch his bare skin.

It wasn't obvious. In fact, it was masked with stealth preciseness, blending into the formula of their everyday existence. Hidden within the sweet words and nights their bodies were entwined under the sheets. It was slow, almost methodical, but nonetheless always there like a panther stalking in the grass-covered plains.

Rinoa smiled lightly, failing miserably to hide the tears staining her cheeks. It was bittersweet being back here, back among the life she so desperately coveted years ago. Admitting only to her deepest heart, it was still the life she dreamed in her nightly illusions. Her knight seemed so foreign, yet with an unmatched familiarity. Squall still looked as she remembered, a slight bit older, but the maturity suited him well.

From the old photographs she had seen of Raine, she'd noticed Squall more closely resembled his mother, which was surprising to her. She'd have expected him to bear more of a resemblance to Laguna. She thought he might find some morose comfort in this observation, but dropped the idea of broaching that subject...or any subject for that matter. She just had to get away from him, without feeling like that scared little child who always needed to be rescued.

The formal lines of the tuxedo only laid emphasis on his maturity, defining his jaw and chiseled features. God, she had to stop thinking like this, it wasn't the time or place, nor what was in her best interest. She had gone down that road before, and she was still sorting out the carnage in its wake.

Averting her eyes, she watched the bride and groom engaging in their first kiss as man and wife. Rinoa clapped as the chapel ruptured in spontaneous applause and a few 'hoots' from some of Irvine's past acquaintances.

It was completely inadvertent, but somehow Rinoa's attention settled back on the commander. Caught in the act of her weakness, their eyes locked, making the laws of time come to a standstill. It was deep, penetrating, and a numbness devoured every nerve ending in her body. Two sets of eyes, neither refusing to break the façade they'd tried badly to depict.

She smiled, hiding the discomfort swelling inside, and nodded consciously in his direction. A slim hand moved around her shoulder, ending the unspoken reunion between the two.

"I can't believe it," Quistis spoke while hugging her friend closer. "It's just so surreal... I just expect to wake up and have Selphie come bounding in my room with more _Irvine__ issues."_

"Don't worry," Rinoa answered, remembering the feeling all too well, "Ten Gil says she'll be in your dorm by month's end."

"I'll see that bet and raise you twenty," Zell shot from behind the two bridesmaids. "Plus, I'll toss in an exciting night on the town with me as your personal escort."

"Hold me back," Quistis replied sarcastically. "A night of cheap beer and dinner at the Bowl-A-Ramma."

"Oh, I'm sure Alexandra would be thrilled to hear this." Rinoa gestured toward the congregation, figuring that his girlfriend was somewhere in attendance.

"Well, she won't go with me bowling anymore...after the last time. I don't think she'd honestly care..." He winked, placing his arms around both women. "Still doesn't agree that bowling should be classified as a 'contact sport.' It was only a few bruised ribs and a minor fracture of the wrist."

"I...don't...think...I want...to...know." Rinoa articulated slowly, trying to keep the images from plaguing her mind.

The instructor looked at the sorceress stating firmly, "No, you _really_ don't."

"So you two going to save a dance for me at the reception? First one goes to Alex, but the next goes to the entire female portion of the bridal party. Well...and Matron...and Ellone...and..."

"Sure Zell," Rinoa interrupted his list, not positive how long it could go on. She turned to the fighter playfully, "But only with the understanding that there is only 'minimal' physical contact involved. I don't want to have to sign a medical waver before we hit the floor... For your reference, 'hitting the floor'...not to be taken_ literally._ I need all my bones intact and in useable condition for work, okay?"

"Man, Rin, when did you become such a stick in the mud? I'm pretty sure that dancing, if done right, can be just as lethal as any of the martial arts. Didn't you twist your ankle or something dancing in heels? See, again a _very_ dangerous sport."

"Yes," she defended without thinking, "but that really doesn't count as it was only because Squall turned when he was supposed to-"

The memory seemed scorched in her mind; it was the first graduation dance they had attended as a couple. After Ultimecia, after the notoriety died down, after they were allowed to get on with the semblance of a normal existence.

She had tried in vain to teach Squall some more elaborate dance steps. He was a very attentive student for the first part of the choreography. It was just... well, by the time they got to the second part they had usually surrendered to more primitive desires. It was the carefree feeling of youth, the exuberance of innocence being lost willingly to one another. A feeling that she yearned for again. When life itself seemed less tainted, even through the fighting and bloodshed.

"I tripped... You're right, I should have never worn heels. It was my own fault. Those things should come with a warning label printed clearly on the outside of the box." She tried to joke, not wanting to harbor on the memory any longer.

"I'm sure you'll be fine tonight, Rinoa." Quistis tried to keep the conversation light. "Just make sure to remove your shoes."

The instructor then looked out, as the newlywed couple finished greeting the first pews of guests. "Think that's our cue to make a run for freedom. I think if we make a quick getaway, most of Irvine's friends will make it back to Deling with all their _bones_ _intact and in working_ order."

"What?" Rinoa questioned, trying to contain her laughter.

"Long story... rehearsal dinner last night."

"Again, I am thinking it is better that I don't know." Rinoa giggled at more of the possibilities. She hadn't remembered feeling this comfortable around friends in a long time, yet equally as unnerved.

"Come on beautiful," Zell reached for Rinoa's arm, starting to lead her down the aisle.

The young sorceress looked to the floor, stepping onto the linen fabric that led to the foyer. Hundreds of rose petals lay eloquently scattered on the ashen material. It looked as if a flurry of scarlet tears rained from the heavens above. She caught the aroma of her freshly cut bouquet lingering in the air.

_"Three years ago tonight, I fell in love..." _

_"The day we looked out into a flower field and I could see forever…with you."_

For a moment, she thought she was going to choke on the vile odor. The fragrance taking her back to the most romantic thing he had ever done, the last romantic thing he would ever do.

Two months later, she would again smell fresh cut roses, but that time it would be radiating off the cart of a nearby street vendor. One that she would pass as raindrops pelted her body like a thousand shards of glass, as the fragrance of the merchants wares mixed with the diesel of the train engine. The train that would take her away from _him_, leaving behind everything she ever wanted, while hoping, praying, that he would find the courage that he lacked...but that moment never came.

And she realized a long time ago, it never would.

* * *

* * *

** _Chapter Three: Delusions of Reality _ **

In five years, his abhorrence of formal events never dulled. The Balamb Commander had learned to cope, either from peer or political pressure. This would rate up there as tolerable, given the nature of the gathering. Still, occasions where he had to dress-up as an overgrown penguin never topped his list of enjoyable pastimes.

He swirled the burgundy contents of his glass, wishing that the host and hostess had opted for a full bar. Somehow, the meticulous whirl of the wine fascinated him. A small eddy of alcohol formed from the goblet's movements. He sighed in frustration, realizing that if kept this up the others would notice his erratic behavior.

That was, if his conduct hadn't already been the topic among half of the cadets at the wedding reception. For five years, everything he had done had been placed under a microscope, studied, and then enlarged on a glass slide for the entire population to examine.

There had been rumors, speculations, and several unfounded accusations...but none of them knew the truth. The only ones who ever would were either no longer communicating, or dead and buried six feet under the earth.

He could never repay Rinoa for her silence, for the damage she could have caused, but she had left him with his reputation and his respect intact. It was all turned around on her, the bitter one who left in a fit of anger. And, as a final act of decency toward him, she allowed them to believe her the villain.

Even now, she was the strong one. He had gone on, he had mourned his own ignorance, but he had learned from it. That was the best he could give her now, the knowledge of his mistakes.

"Hey man, you have to try some of the roast beef. Ma specially prepared it... secret Dincht family recipe. It's the best."

"Zell, you don't eat meat anymore," the commander dryly retorted.

"I know, but I can live vicariously through you, right?"

He shook his head, "Whatever."

"It's not like I couldn't eat it if I wanted to... Alex wouldn't care. This was never her idea."

"Then why did you do it?"

"I dunno," the martial artist shrugged. "I guess there was just this part of me that wanted to prove to myself that _I could_. Maybe it's more for me than for her, giving up something that I used to love for something... that I love more."

Squall wanted to hide. Even Zell's reasoning on meat products and love seemed to be dragging him deeper back into a world he'd once escaped.

"Anyway Squall, just because I don't have _meat _doesn't mean I don't want it... or think about it all the time. It was something that was a part of who I was for a very long time. Maybe it will be a part of who I always will be. Maybe if I really thought about it, I'd learn I can't live without it... Maybe the time will come, when I'll appreciate it even more."

"We are talking about _meat products_, aren't we?" Squall gritted his teeth, not sure where this was going, or if he was reading double meaning into everything these days.

"Hey guys!" Selphie bounded up, wrapping her arms around the commander's neck. He didn't protest at all, reaching up and returning the embrace. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing... Zell just mentioning his desire to spend some time alone with roast beef...maybe settle down and have a leg of lamb or two."

"Squall, have you been drinking?"

"Obviously not enough." Irvine laughed at his friend. "Guess he's just nervous about the traditional speech from the best man."

He hadn't thought about that all day, although he'd already prepared one. Somehow, him giving a lecture on lifelong commitments was the definition of irony. For a brief moment, he wondered if he should paraphrase some of Zell's ramblings on love, life, and animal byproducts.

* * *

Rinoa and Quistis sat to the right of the bridal party, while the groomsmen were seated to the left. The sorceress shifted in her seat trying to untangle the chiffon bunching around her waist. She nibbled on a cracker, but she could barely swallow from the dryness within her mouth. The last thing she felt like doing now was eating. At least the food offered a slight distraction of her hands. This was just a little too close for her without the diversion of the ceremony.

Now was a time that was supposed to be carefree, to bask in the celebratory atmosphere of the reception. It became one of those moments where Rinoa didn't want to appear as if she were 'looking' at Squall. At the same time, she didn't want to appear as if she purposely wasn't 'looking' at him.

She smiled throughout each passing moment, playing the part of the perfect bridesmaid, never breaking her veneer of stability. Sipping from her goblet, she became vaguely aware she had almost emptied its entire contents – _twice._

From the corner of her eye, Rinoa saw Irvine make a hand gesture to the other side of the table. Squall took the cue, standing up in preparation for the toast. Although it ripped her in two to stare directly at him, she mentally chastised herself that it was acceptable under the circumstances.

The memories came rushing back in a tyrannical flood. The best man stood fidgeting with his wine glass in nervous contained energy. He had never liked speaking in public – some variables would never change. She recalled the very first time he was forced to speak on the Garden public address system. Trembling and unsure, skeptical and confused – yet an unexplainable aura of confidence surrounded him.

Over the natural course of time, he had begun to fair better when thrust into a leadership role. The commander had even learned how to appear confident and professional – only the ones closest to him could still sense his apprehension. And for years she sat quietly on the sidelines, watching in amazement as the transformation slowly progressed.

She had never seen him look like _this _though - so stable, so stately, and with a restrained sensuality she couldn't deny. Damn it, she didn't want to be thinking like a lovesick teenager again. She heard the piercing sound of glass tapping, and the dissonance between the idle chatter and silence was filled.

All eyes were focused on Squall. He acted calm in the face of adversity... or at least was one of the best actors she had ever seen. She reproached herself on that thought – that to say the least was an understatement. He sure as hell had her fooled. Deep inside she truly believed he had needed her at one point, but love just wasn't enough. She looked once again into her burgundy wine trying to regain her focus – that teenage girl wasn't part of her anymore. He wasn't going to see her chasing fairy tales or needing rescued, that girl had grown up. She smiled contently as a hostess refilled her wine glass. She was blaming the effects of the alcohol on some of her reasoning.

"You would think as much as I've had to speak, one would get used to this. It never gets any easier," the commander admitted with slight unease to the guests.

He let out a rigid laugh before openly turning his expression into a smile. "At least this time, I cannot think of doing this for any better reason."

He raised his glass slightly, as his right hand moved into his jacket pocket, pulling out several white index cards. He shook his head, tossing them onto the table below. "You know, I have all these notes I planned to read... But now I realize that what these two share you can't write down on paper."

His mind raced with a thousand things he wanted to say. It was as if he was given one last chance at exoneration. Maybe Rinoa would never know how deeply he missed her, or the countless hours he stayed awake at night. But maybe this was his sole chance to say the words that were absent from his mind the day she left... and every day after.

No, this day wasn't about them, but maybe if he hadn't been such a coward, they could have worked things out. Maybe if she had known the need in his heart, she would have forgiven him. He would have spent a lifetime repenting, making it up to her any way she could have possibly fathomed.

His voice faltered at first, "I think once in a lifetime you find something so special, so amazing, that you want to hold on to that feeling forever. But, the reality is, most of us can't. We all dream of finding a way through the adversity and the heartache."

Squall paused in a realization he was letting his own emotions take over. He looked back to the bride and groom, "I've known these two since we were children, and I can think of nothing more fitting than to be celebrating this union. It might be once in a lifetime that you find that special person, but it is once in a million lifetimes to find that person and to value them always, to have what you two share. Irvine... Selphie always remember what is important, and never lose sight of what you carry within your hearts. Believe and trust in one another... never forsake your life together and never forsake the love that you share. Here's to you... today, tomorrow, and forever."

The commander raised his glass toward the newlyweds. All the guests followed suit, softly speaking their congratulations. The bride and groom smiled and kissed to the applause of the audience.

Today, tomorrow, and forever... the words bleed deeply into her heart. His voice still echoed in her ears. As everyone was taking a seat, Rinoa could not help but look over at him. Part of her honestly believed some of those words were meant for her... or maybe that was the wine taking hold of her faculties.

This time there was no mistaking he was looking at her. In that moment, they stared at one another with more than a passing curiosity. Her body suddenly felt as it were on fire and all she could do was breathe. Even that task proved to be more difficult than she anticipated.

There was no smile, no pretense, just looking at each other through both time and space. Did he really think that a few words would make it all go away? If he so desperately sought her forgiveness, why wait until they were in a room full of people?

It was as if her vision tunneled and all she could see was him. God she wanted to stop, she felt weak against his presence yet again. He moved slightly in his chair, waving a single hand in the air. Rinoa sat still, curious at what he was doing, finding herself tilting her head slightly to one side.

It was then she heard a feminine voice behind her, almost sounding as if acknowledging the commander's gesture. Rinoa felt that horrible sinking feeling. Well, more accurately like falling off a cliff and hurling toward the ground at unspeakable velocity.

In her peripheral vision, Rinoa watched a figure move around the tables. As Squall sat motionless, she watched the 'blur' move behind him.

Two dark-blue limbs encircled his neck, and she felt like a complete and utter fool. How many times did that make today? She wasn't even going to venture a guess, for reality was way too painful.

"Hey you, great speech."

Rinoa could hear the woman's voice from across the tables. It wasn't high-pitched, it wasn't shrill, it just seemed to cut deeper than she could've imagined.

Squall seemed distracted as he glanced up at the person standing behind him. Rinoa made no more excuses, as she took a sip, rather, the rest of the contents from her glass. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over to see Quistis smiling. The instructor wore a look of sympathy, mixed with a slight hint of guilt.

The sorceress laughed aloud, making light of the whole situation. She smiled vibrantly, acting as if it didn't matter in the least, finding some humor in the situation. "It's fine Quistis. I've been away for two years... life goes on."

_"Life goes on?"_ She bit her lip nervously, realizing she was now spouting cheesy clichés. _"Shoot me now... just get this damn day over with." _Somehow she knew Quistis could see right through her transparent appearance. Yet her friend was understanding enough to let the matter drop quickly, changing the subject.

If there was one thing you could say about Squall Leonhart, it was his uncanny ability to ruin his life more than he ever thought possible. Timing and luck were two things that had eluded him his entire life, today not being any exception. The one moment where he finally looked at Rinoa freely was marred by his 'friend's' arrival. He moved a hand up to his neck, placing it over the ones wrapped around him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I got the second quarter's budget revised in record time, so I figured you could use the company."

"Sure," his voice barely stammered. He felt as if the only opening he may ever have was slammed shut with brute force. He wasn't looking for miracles, he wasn't looking for affirmation, but somehow he just wanted a conversation that he knew would never come.

It really was too late. It was painfully obvious that some things were better left to memory.

* * *

The party was still going strong well into the night. A few of the traditional events had already taken place, culminating with the tossing of the bride's garter and bouquet.

Rinoa had purposely avoided that like the plague; somehow catching the bouquet would be a cruel slap in the face. The only comfort she had was that Squall's 'female companion' didn't catch it either – again, not as if she should care.

For the past hour, she was able to hang around Quistis, which kept her restlessness to a minimum. Once the dancing was in full swing, the instructor begrudgingly accepted an offer, much to Quistis' dismay of leaving her friend alone. Rinoa had convinced her to have fun tonight, already feeling guilty enough for monopolizing so much of the blonde's time.

Rinoa stood against a back wall, watching as the world seemed to pass her by. At most political functions she mingled among the crowd, lobbying on behalf of Timber. In that environment she felt at home. In her office working to all hours of the night, she felt at home. Strangely, the one place she used to feel at home was now the place she felt most uncomfortable.

She tried to ignore some of the looks by a few people, but they were students she had never met. They had either known of her through rumors and gossip, and in all honesty, they knew nothing. She mentally scolded herself for not accepting Zone's offer to accompany her. He had been with her all these years, and through the revelry and the adversity, he'd become the brother she had never had.

Over the last two years, her recognition precipitated her in a whirlwind career. It was with her influence Timber had finally reached its final stages of liberation. The actual Galbadian occupation had ended way before then, but building the foundation for a stable government was going to take years.

Rinoa had started out working as an assistant, but soon found herself thrust into the position of an ambassador. It was with her connections, and her father's connections, that she had been able to succeed.

In the last years, she had immersed herself completely into her work. For those who knew her from before, it was a strange transformation, yet one made out of necessity – for her sanity at the very least. It was easier to spend countless hours at the office than go home to an empty townhouse, Angelo stayed in the office with her most of the time.

But here she was today. Alone. Standing against a wall watching countless SeeD couples dance in front of her. Too wrapped up in her work to have much of a social life. Then again, her work was her life.

Every so often, she would see Squall...walking and talking, mingling with different groups. He hadn't been out on the dance floor yet, and part of her felt grateful for that. It's one thing to know he was there with someone, it was another to watch them dancing as a couple.

She sighed, thinking she should make her way back over to the bridal party's table. Zell and a brunette woman were seated back, and she really did want to meet the martial artist's girlfriend. The man had given up hotdogs for her, which at one time might have been conceived as a sign of the apocalypse. Rinoa would expect no less for her friend; Zell was a wonderful person with a wonderful heart to match.

She really did miss being a part of their life, but now wasn't the time to ponder the 'what could have been' aspect of the night. Rinoa took a step forward, simultaneously feeling someone colliding with her back. The force almost made her fall, but luckily she regained her stability... which on heels isn't always the easiest thing to do.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry." A voice apologized, sounding slightly embarrassed. "I'm just such a horrid dancer. I don't even know why I'm trying."

"It's all right. Everyone has to learn sometime." Rinoa said with understanding. She remembered dancing with Squall that first night, and bumping into Nida and his girlfriend. It was only fitting that someone would run into her.

Rinoa turned around, softly chucking at the irony – although the irony in the situation had only just begun. There stood the female SeeD from earlier, the one who had wrapped her arms around Squall. Thankfully she was dancing with another partner, which saved _some_ awkwardness. Maybe Rinoa had jumped to conclusions earlier, although it seemed pretty obvious.

_"Damn it, why do I care?"_

The young woman looked back to her dance partner. "Go ahead, I'll catch you later." She turned back to Rinoa smiling, "Brothers, what can you do? You spend your entire life fighting with them, and then you miss them like hell when they're gone."

Rinoa forced a smile, and her earlier theory was just blown. Which brought her back to a reality she was having a hard time accepting.

"You're Rinoa, aren't you?"

_"Yeah, like you don't know that you bit —"_ she held her tongue. Seriously, this girl had done nothing wrong, beside accidentally bump into her...and then sincerely apologize. The fact she was with Squall should play no factor into it. Rinoa was the one who for all intents and purposes of Garden, walked away from him; she was the one who dove headfirst into a new life. She just wished that the effects of the alcohol hadn't already worn off.

"Yes, I am."

The SeeD held out her hand in an offer to shake. Rinoa didn't hesitate to accept, although she mentally wondered if she could use a 'take-down' move on her. She was pretty confident she could take her... and fairly confident that Irvine and his friends wouldn't mind in the least.

"I've heard so much about you. I'm Lauren Rachels, I transferred to Balamb after you'd left. Just glad to finally put a face with the name. You don't know how often people say we look alike."

Yeah, that thought was slightly disturbing. Hell, that thought was _extremely _disturbing.

"Ummm..." Rinoa finally managed to mumble dumfounded. Although, truth be told, the only similarity she could find was their hair color.

The young SeeD shook her head laughing. "Don't worry, I don't see it either."

"That's really good." Rinoa countered a little too quickly. "Um...not that...I...thought..." stammered Rinoa trying to defend any thought she could at the moment. She hadn't been at loss for words in, well, a very long time.

Rinoa saw a small group of people standing towards the entranceway. Honestly, she had no idea who they were...but they did look semi familiar from this distance. Smiling politely, she put up her hand excusing herself. If ever she needed a quick escape, this was it. "I'm sorry, I've been looking for someone all evening."


	2. Back to the New Present, Summing up the Stars, and Your Thousand Seas

** _Chapter Four: Back to the New Present_ **

Rinoa hurried off towards the bridal tables, never glancing back. The momentary guilt she felt quickly abated. If Lauren did know her, wouldn't she realize how awkward it would be to stand there and talk? Still, the woman was acting civil and she just ran off... again, mirroring the first night she met Squall. The irony in the two encounters was no longer humorous, it was bordering on a cosmic anomaly. If a shooting star blazed through the heavens, she would walk directly out the front door and take the next train to Timber without ever looking back.

The sounding of her heels echoed on the marbled floor as she moved towards the group of people. It was comforting to see a familiar face in the crowd, even if 'that face' did resemble Squall a little too much. Kiros and Ward seemed to be engaged in conversation with a few other guests, and as usual, Laguna looked a little out of place.

"Rinoa!" The President of Esthar saw her approaching, placing one hand on her shoulder before pulling her into a bear hug. She smiled cheerfully, before reciprocating the embrace.

"President Loire, it's been a few months... how are you doing?"

"For the last time young lady, call me Laguna."

He laughed before releasing her from his 'death grip.' She was now at a grand total of three broken ribs for the day. "Fine, fine..." she replied lightheartedly.

The commander moved back towards the tables, unaware that Rinoa and Laguna were among the nearby throng. He had already sat back down in his chair, completely oblivious of his surroundings until he heard her voice. The voice that still sent a million shivers down his spine. Part of him felt guilty about overhearing their conversation, part of him just wanted to hear the tender sound of her words a little bit longer. Even if the voice in between hers belonged to Laguna.

"So, _Laguna,_ how are you doing?"

"Well there never seems to be a dull moment. If it's not the Council, it's the Estharian Congress. If it's not them, it's whichever political association is upset with the other."

"Tell me about it. I've been working on Timber's job growth efforts. Every time we try to lower taxes for small business owners – the larger unions find a loophole with the new government regulations."

"I heard about that legislation being stalled from one of my interns. I hope you can come to a resolution soon. Please, feel free to give me a call if I can help in any way."

The commander sat drowning in the realization that these two people behind him were strangers. They could have been any two politicians, but they weren't, they were his father and his former girlfriend. Both were foreigners in the eyes of his mind. These two people he dubbed the 'moron' of his _dream world_, and the girl who had a strategy meeting sitting on a dirty floor of a train car. He used to believe his job was important, but most days he just felt like an over glorified secretary. He inwardly wondered how Garden was set on staples and copier paper...he made a mental note to look into that when he returned.

The president's voice didn't hesitate, taking on a different air than the commander was used to. Maybe without the stuttering and confusion, his father might actually be good at something. "Did you ever get the statistical data you needed for the Council's Urban Renewal program?"

"Yes, I thank you so much for your help, you were a godsend. We managed approval for the funding, just before the deadline."

"Unfortunately, the aide handling that from our end..." The President's voice softened, taking on a more personal tone.

"Laguna?" Rinoa sounded truly concerned. Not as a politician, but as the person the commander had fallen in love with all those years ago.

"He was killed...a few weeks ago. It's just like losing a family member."

"My thoughts are with you," Rinoa's soft voice was barely above a whisper. "I didn't realize you were so close... I'm sorry."

"No, no... really we weren't, it was just such a needless death. The authorities figure he walked in on a home invasion... wrong place, wrong time and..." Laguna trailed off, obviously having trouble accepting it. Squall felt a tinge of resentment, wondering if the man had felt as much when Raine died - even worse, if he dismissed it just as quickly. But even he realized that was an unfair comparison.

"You know what?" Rinoa's voice was tender and soothing like listening to an angel... if there were such things. He stopped believing in miracles a long time ago. Still, her voice carried like a divine melody. The commander stopped to wonder just how much he'd had to drink this evening. He shook his head slightly, knowing he had to stop going down this road.

"Laguna, I think we should celebrate life. I learned a long time ago just how precious each moment is... Right now, I can think of no greater honor than dancing with the most compassionate, caring man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing."

"You are such a bad liar Miss Heartilly." The President teased, Squall felt as if he was going to lose the contents of his stomach at any moment. "But it would be more than an honor to dance with the most beautiful, kindhearted woman I know."

_"Hit... head... against... wall... now." _Squall cringed at his father's remarks.

He had been a passenger in Laguna's mind once, and from this end, the words didn't seem any less moronic. And this time the man couldn't blame his words on 'the fairies' running around in his head. God, then again, did his father really say anything that bad or was it just the fact that he was jealous of the man? For one goddamned time in his life, Squall envied his father. This night was turning out just perfect... first Lauren shows up and then Laguna dances with the one person he will never get the chance.

For a brief instant, the commander considered the possibility of Rinoa purposely spiting him. But it was obvious these two had a close relationship, closer than he was to his father. If it wasn't for his damn apathy towards the man, maybe Squall could have built a decent relationship with him. Hell, Squall couldn't have a decent relationship with anybody.

Why was it so hard to walk up to her and try to have a normal conversation with her? _How have you been? How's Timber treating you? Did you ever forgive me for wasting so many years of your life and just being an all-around bastard?_ Well, maybe he wouldn't ask the last one, he already knew the answer. So, against his better judgment, he looked out onto the dance floor. It was the proverbial 'car wreck' that one couldn't help but turn their attention towards in some morbid fascination. Even if he had wanted to avoid it, there was a stronger force at work.

Part of him expected his father to dance as clumsily as he had once done... but to his surprise, and disgust, Laguna seemed completely at ease. His fingers intertwined with Rinoa, gracefully twirling around the floor. No awkward moves, no tripping, and no moments of hesitation, just an elegant dance between the oddest couple traversing the floor. Her dark hair was flowing like waves in a tempest, her feet never missing an errant step.

"Hey." A voice behind startled him out of his trance. He looked to the speaker, never trying to conceal his acts.

"You're back early. I figured you would be out there mingling the rest of the evening."

"Well, I should be, but thought I would come over and see how you're doing."

"I'm_ fine_ Lauren," he snapped a little too harsh. He shook his head; it honestly wasn't her fault. "I'm sorry... it's just been hard."

"I know... that's why I wondered if you'd like to dance?"

_"Yes,"_ his mind screamed, _"but she would never dance with me." _Again, he wasn't being fair, and he hated himself for weakening again in her mere presence. It was like the years were turning back, and layers upon layers were slowly reforming around his shell.

"I can't... not while she is still here." He said barely above a whisper.

"Oh," her voice said slightly disappointed, but still she understood. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. Maybe later, if the timing is better, I'll get you out there."

"Maybe." His answer was halfhearted. She didn't pry any further, knowing the boundaries of their relationship. He swirled the contents in his glass again, staring aimlessly into the darkened whirlwind. He couldn't do this now; he set the glass back down on the table. Everyone on the dance floor seemed so happy, so living in the moment, and that was the hardest thing for him to witness. Over the months, he had gone on, but he could have never imagined how hard this evening would be. The temperature in the hall felt ungodly, but he knew it was a combination of alcohol and nerves, rather than heat.

Standing up, he looked toward the front door. Running a hand through unruly hair, he made the conscious decision he needed to step away, at least for the moment. He removed his jacket, placing it on the back of the chair, before taking one last glance out onto the dance floor.

She was still there. Maybe he didn't want her to be, it would have been so much easier. It was like watching his past move before him, unknowingly taunting him with the burdens that would never fade. She had never asked anything of him, until that one mission. She only took what he was willing to give, and never taking more than he could handle.

He turned away, not only from her present self dancing on the floor, but to the girl he kissed goodbye nearly three years ago.

Squall walked onto the terrace, looking up at the stars lining the heavens. It was always with mixed emotions that he gazed upon the sky. Now more than ever it was tearing him apart, the part he thought he could bury in work and opportune relationships. His friends were still dear to his heart - that could never change. Even if he didn't show it, he depended on their support much more than they could ever know.

His love life, if you want to call it that, remained as empty as it ever had before. He once remembered Rinoa complaining about her mother and father's marriage, one based on convenience and not love. She could never understand their relationship, based on mutual career advancement. Squall couldn't have told you Lauren's favorite food or favorite color, but he could easy list in descending order her career accomplishments and ambitions. It was no different from a political candidate marrying into old money, the agenda was already known and lines were already drawn. She never complained about his work, only encouraged him to work harder. Cid Kramer was retiring at the end of this semester and it was widely known that Squall would be named Headmaster. Lauren was the top applicant for Commander, as Xu accepted the Headmaster position the year prior in Trabia.

And that was all he had left, his work.

His friends accepted Lauren, because maybe they knew what she truly was... Somehow, he understood Caraway and Julia, more than he ever could have ever imagined. He once said that he didn't believe that his life had been predestined, determined before his birth. Now he had come to accept that fact. His life was Garden. It was always there and could never leave him. He was good at his job. He wasn't good at other things, like love. This was solid, definite, and above all, he could never hurt an inanimate object.

He could never let it down, like he did her...

* * *

_It was like a childish game of cat and mouse, Squall the cat... and Rinoa the mouse. He chased her around the room, before that inevitable blow came. Smack, he managed to hit her dead on in the face. He never 'hit' hard, but it was enough to make her fall back onto the bed. _

_"You are so mean!" she laughed hysterically as he dropped the pillow back onto the bed._

_"I am not Heartilly," he defended with the same laughter, "just remember if you hit me in the back of the head, I will retaliate...and I do take prisoners." He emphasized the point by pinning her wrists down with his hands, while moving his body over hers._

_"I know," she smiled mischievously, "Why do you think I 'hit' you with the pillow in the first place?"_

_"You're so bad." He raised an eyebrow at her while silently thanking her for this much needed interlude. _

_"I just thought that maybe you should pay a little more attention to your girlfriend and a little less to the case report. Or should I have written you a memo, telling how sexy you looked chewing on the end of that pencil?"_

_"That's just a nervous habit!" He lingered centimeters from her lips, "Plus, never put in print what you don't want others to see."_

_"Who said I didn't want others to see? I can't help if you look that damn good... or if I'm slightly jealous of the pencil."_

_They stopped laughing, looking deep into one another's eyes. He fought within his mind to do what he had been trying for weeks. "Do it you damn idiot... just ask her. The ring is in the drawer...just say it. It's what you want, right?"_

_Her body tensed as she shivered, before closing her eyes involuntarily. He momentarily forgot about the question, concerned about her reaction._

_"Rin, you all right?"_

_"Um...no."_ _ She looked quite surprised with her own answer, as if she hadn't planned on revealing that truth. He moved off of her, as she sat up from the bed turning away from him. "I just want you to stay."_

_He laughed slightly. It wasn't that it was funny in the least. More a combination of nerves and relief – relief that it was just a normal emotion for her to experience before he left on a mission._

_"You know it will only be two weeks, right? We've been apart longer."_

_"I know. I just... don't want you to go."_

_He reached over,_ _pulling her body to his, her back resting comfortably against his chest. His arms wrapped around her waist, and she relaxed, letting her head fall back on his shoulder. _

_"I don't want to go either. But it's a routine mission... I'm just supervising a few cadets. I wish I could give you more details but –"_

_"...But you can't. You never can." She had never admitted this to him, but two years were starting to build up. In the beginning, she had dealt with it. In the last few months she had started to grow slightly resentful. "I just get tired of all these secrets Squall."_

_"Rinoa, I've never lied. You know I'm not keeping things from you that isn't work related... it's just my job. It's important." He quickly realized his mistake, trying to set her mind at ease... or maybe it was his. "You're important too... you know that right?"_

_"Yes, Squall." It wasn't a lie, she knew she was important and he loved her – that would never be a question. She turned, looking him in the eyes, trying to contain the tears threatening to fall. "In two years... I've never asked you **not** to do something for Garden."_

_"I know." His words came soft and reassuring, "And you don't know how much that means to me Rinoa. You've always let me be who I am... and accepted what I do, even if you disagreed. You will never know how grateful I-"_

_"Stop."_ _ She placed the tips of her fingers over his mouth, wishing he wouldn't thank her just yet. "Don't say what you were going to say... because... because I'm asking **now.** Please stay with me, see if Zell, if anybody, can take your place."_

_"How?"_ _ He hadn't meant to be curt, but there was a part of him who deeply cherished her acceptance of his work. Maybe inside he knew the day would come that she would ask this favor of him. It was only how he would react that remained the question, but with his current tone, that was no longer a mystery. He tried to quell his anger, but he was finding it rather difficult. "How Rinoa? Everyone here has a job. If I'm assigned something, that is because they need me. We don't go drawing names out of hats, it's not some lottery that I lost... I'm going because they need me."_

_The young sorceress pushed herself away from her knight and stood from the bed. She walked over to the window looking at the vast plains of Balamb, before she allowed her eyes to shut in melancholy. She knew he hadn't meant to hurt her, but somehow she took the words to heart. "You mean everybody has a job here but me, don't you?"_

_"Whatever Rinoa."_ _ He still sat on the bed, starting to feel anger towards her reactions. She was taking everything far too personal right now. She knew better. "Listen, I know you do volunteer work in Balamb, and that's important to you. But I have a huge responsibility, hundreds of people depend on me. If I ever want to become Headmaster, I can't pass my accountability to others."_

_"Is that what you really want? To become Headmaster?" It was the first time he had ever said the words; she was slightly taken aback. She turned back toward him, locking their gaze. It might have been a playful version of cat and mouse earlier, but this was taking on a tone of defiance, almost a natural rivalry._

_"Yeah... sure... why not?"_

_Why not? She could list a hundred reasons, a thousand reasons... but obviously, he couldn't name at least one. Even one staring him literarily in the face. Maybe she was reading too much into this right now, she loved him, and would accept if he truly wanted to become Balamb's Headmaster. She just honestly wasn't sure if that is what he really wanted, or if that was what duty and loyalty had convinced him he wanted - without ever exploring other venues._

_"Fine Squall, if that is what you really want." She admitted hesitantly, "I'll be there for you. I'm just asking on this **one** mission, this **one** time, that you don't go."_

_"Oh my God Rinoa, didn't you hear anything I just said? This is my job; this is my future. Listen, you give me one **real **reason I can tell Cid and the board and I will gladly stay behind."_

_She closed her eyes remembering, barely able to say it aloud. "Because lightning can strike twice, even the same tree."_

_"Oh great, please use an analogy on me right now." The sarcasm was dripping from his voice. "How about some concrete reasons?" _

_"I'm sorry, I don't have any." She knew he wouldn't understand if she'd told him the reason why. It was so arbitrary that she couldn't believe it herself. "I didn't think you would get so upset... I didn't want us to fight the night before you leave."_

_"You know," he answered honestly, "this wasn't penciled into my itinerary either. I just never really believed you would do this, without cause. If you were sick, your family was sick, if you needed me for any real reason... you know I'd be there."_

_She repeated a portion of his answer in her head, biting her tongue from callous verbal response. "Real reason? Damn you Squall, I am a real reason!" She choked back the tears, refusing to let gravity define their fate. She would not spend her entire life looking weak in front of him. So, she looked at him, still sitting on the edge of the bed. She calmed herself before finally speaking aloud. _

_"Yes, Squall I know you would be there if something was wrong. It's just the in between parts you're not too good at." She really wasn't angry anymore, just hurt. For two years he had balanced their relationship with his work, it was just that the latter was now getting priority. "Good luck tomorrow," she spoke softly._

_"Will you be here when I get back?" He wasn't sure why he asked, it was just his greatest fear._

_"Of course Squall, I love you, I always will." She walked out, closing the door, before she finally allowed herself to cry._ 

_   
_

* * *

_  
_

_That night he sat with the engagement ring in his hand, finally falling asleep with it firmly clutched in his fist. Part of him wanted to call her, to run to her room, to make her forgive him, but he just couldn't. He had looked at his SeeD dress jacket that had been returned from the dry-cleaning service. There it hung, majestically in a cellophane transparent cover. It was** so** easy, to blindly follow orders. To fight based on other's decisions. He had never asked to have a mission reassigned, and honestly, he was positive it wouldn't affect his career in the least. Yet, if he gave in this time, he would give in the next... before he knew it he wouldn't know who he was anymore. Not that he truly did now. _

_So for that reason alone, he refused to yield._

_The morning light had crept between the slits of the blinds, leaving horizontal shadows on the floor. He woke up at the sound of his alarm, feeling a loneliness that he had never known so strongly before. She should have been next to him; she always stayed the nights before missions. It was the only solace he found in being sent away, that and the night upon his return. Now he looked over to her side of the bed, on the pillow she would often use, and for the first time since the orphanage felt abandoned by one he loved. Again, as with Ellone, neither of the girls was to blame... fate, circumstance, or in this case, his own stupidity was the culprit. He placed the ring back into the box, tossing it into his nightstand. Hoping, praying there would be another day...that he would get one more chance._

_He hurried and packed his duffle bag, something he had neglected the night before. He crammed all his paperwork back into a folder, tossing it on top of his clothes. This was the first time he had ever found himself procrastinating, the first time he was not truly prepared for a mission. He walked outside the gates, scanning to see if she was waiting, hoping that he would be able to say goodbye. He never said goodbye... she just left. He didn't even get a chance to tell her he loved her too. _

_He greeted the cadets with an official salute, before helping them pack their gear into the vehicle. They loaded in the back while he walked around to speak with the driver, and as he shut the back door, he heard someone calling behind him. He turned, keeping back the relief that his heart felt._

_"Squall, wait!" She called out, running off the sidewalk into the nearby grass._

_He knew she was trying to distance herself from the group, not going directly to the vehicle. The last thing that the cadets needed was a commander with relationship problems. So he followed her to a slightly more secluded spot, hidden from onlookers by a line of trees. _

_"Rinoa, I didn't think you were coming. I figured you wouldn't be speaking to me."_

_"I almost didn't." She admitted honestly, looking down at her feet. She nervously shuffled them over blades of grass, watching them rise and fall under her feet. "I just learned a long time ago that you always need to say goodbye. Even if you are just going somewhere simple like the store... I just couldn't have you leave like this... I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to stay for me."_

_"It's okay, Rinoa." He placed one hand on each of her shoulders, making her look him in the eyes. "If it makes you feel better... I don't want to go either. I just have responsibilities that can't wait. When I get back, I promise I'll cook you the best steak dinner you've ever had."_

_She tried to force a smile, "I thought you said **you **were cooking it." _

_The knight pulled her into a deep embrace. He could smell the vanilla in her hair, feel her heartbeat resonate through his entire being... he closed his eyes trying to draw upon the courage of a hundred lifetimes. His arms wrapped tighter as he started to say the words that would change their lives forever... the ones he had been trying to say for so long. "Rinoa will you..." He felt as if his legs would collapse under their own weight. He felt his throat constrict as he gasped for air. "Could you... water my plants while I'm gone?"_

_"Moron!" He screamed inside, "You fucking moron." _

_"No problem." She chuckled almost nervously. "Though, I'm not assuming any responsibility for their condition upon your return. Remember, I'm the girl who has killed many a cactus and even an air plant. You know, the ones that don't require any water." _

_"That's my girl." He kissed the top of her head, "Don't worry, I don't recall Garden prosecuting for the involuntary manslaughter of either a ficus or a fern."_

_She reached up, kissing him on the lips soft and sweet, raw and passionate, the beginning and the end. Their foreheads rested together as they parted momentarily. With winded breath, she closed her eyes letting her senses absorb everything that was him._

_"Squall, have you ever planted a tree? Grown it from a sapling?"_

_"No?" He answered curious at her strange question. The girl really did have an uncanny knack for timing. Not to mention her sudden fascination in tree analogies. _

_"When you get back... I want to, in the Quad – together."_

_"Sounds good," he responded simply, albeit confused. "Then when it's planted, I'll cook you that damn good steak."_

_"It's a date." She whispered. "Squall Leonhart, I love you."_

_"I love you too." _

_   
_

* * *

_  
_

Now over two years later, he stood there looking pointlessly into the heavens. They kissed that one final time. It was the last true moments with her - without guilt, without remorse. If he had known, he would have never let her go that morning. He would have picked her up, carried her back to his room, and given her the ring without hesitation. He would have made love to her forever; he would have left Garden and never looked back.

He would be dancing with her right now.

* * *

* * *

** _Chapter Five: Summing up the Stars_ **

There he stood at the wedding reception alone, well for all intents and purposes, alone. A goddamned parade could have marched solely in his honor, and he wouldn't have felt more by himself. Damnit, he should be with her right now, but maybe it was good that she found how ill he truly was, before it was too late for her. So much for the valiant knight.

In a moment of weakness, he allowed himself to be caught within his illusions Two cadets wouldn't return, making the ultimate sacrifice, not to mention the sacrifice he, himself, would make...

_"Because lightning can strike twice, even the same tree."_

_"Squall, have you ever planted a tree? Grown it from a sapling?"_

He had often wondered what she was talking about; he just would never have the right to ask. He wiped the liquid forming in the corner of his eyes. He had never allowed himself to cry since time compression, it wasn't who he was. He made his mistakes; he was going to live with them like a man. The worst thing he could do to Rinoa is not learn from the past. But that was easy, he wouldn't allow anyone that close ever again. He made a choice years ago, so he was going to go after it with reckless abandon. He would be Headmaster, he would serve Garden, and he would never be forced to choose again. It would never get personal.

He gave the sky one last look, hoping for a reassurance that would never come. He turned around, walking back into the wedding reception. He had not realized how long he had been out there... grateful for the fact that nobody bothered him. What he did realize is that he missed saying goodbye to both Selphie and Irvine as they had already left on their honeymoon. People still mingled with each other, although the group had thinned considerably.

His eyes scanned the room, out of some morose need to see if Rinoa and Laguna were still there... both seemed to have left the reception. He wasn't sure whether he was relieved or saddened, but he did know that he would never forget her face. Not now, not ever. He felt the presence of someone walking behind him, knowing immediately who it was. He turned around trying to force a smile.

"Fine Lauren, you win. I'll dance."

* * *

She stood in the coatroom, silently chastising herself for wanting to see him one last time. It was a weakness she could never overcome. Even time and circumstances seemed to be exempt from her heart. She had convinced herself today was the day she would finally say goodbye, to put some closure on what she had coveted for so long. Maybe just to let him know that she was doing all right without him, that she had found a purpose.

She had gone back to something that had always been there for her, as Garden was for him. Timber. In three years, she had worked her way up, succeeding in a job she never thought possible. She never minded working the countless hours, into the early hours of the morning if she had to. She had a work ethic like nobody there had ever seen, getting a degree while maintaining a more than full time job. She did it for Timber, for the place she had helped free over five years ago; now an independent nation on the cutting edge of social reform. She didn't have time to look back on what could have been; the funding for the schools couldn't wait. Her social life could.

So she had allowed herself these few minutes of weakness, to compensate for all the times she tried to remain void of emotion. Wherever he was, it was evident he didn't want to be here. She honestly couldn't blame him. He had started a new life, furthered his career, and had found a new girlfriend. She had already said her goodbyes to her friends, and was just waiting... for what she didn't know. Taking her jacket off the hanger, she paused in the motion of putting her arms in the sleeves, as the realization that this was the end finally sank in.

She placed her purse over her shoulder, forcing a smile as she walked to the main doors. As the band's music seemed to be dying down for the evening, she turned back to the floor once more. A few scattered couples still swirled in time with the music, while others sat causally around the decorated tables.

It was then she saw a tall figure escorting a young woman to the floor. The shadows of the room hid her presence, as her heart felt like it was being ripped in two. He had removed his jacket, and removed the bowtie from around his neck. His white dress shirt had been unbuttoned and he seemed more comfortable with his surroundings.

His movements effortless as his feet hit each step with precise accuracy. The young woman with him mirrored every step with exact timing. It was the most amazing thing to watch, along with the most horrific. It was opening a floodgate of memories, the good along with everything she tried to repress over the last years.

It was there, hidden within the darkness, that she could no longer hold back the tears. Earlier they fell because of the wedding, now it was because of everything she had lost. Part of her hated the girl out there with him; part of her hated herself. As much as she tried, not one part of her hated him. She could never hate him.

Through all this pain, all this suffering, some part of her always held out the tiniest sliver of hope. Maybe she needed to see this, maybe she could finally admit it was over. He wasn't ever going to show up at her doorstep. He was never going to fight to salvage what they once had, maybe it was her fault, she left him with no hope. Maybe it was time to say those two words she feared above any others.

"Goodbye Squall."

* * *

Perhaps it was a teenage habit she never quite kicked in adulthood, or maybe it was a diversion from reality. Rinoa laid on her back staring up at the ceiling, the crow's feet brush strokes holding an unspoken fascination. From her hotel room she could have moved to the balcony, seen the ocean, could have looked upon forever, if she choose. Yet all she could do was see the images of tonight.

She had so much work to do, but couldn't focus on anything but the past. The laptop stayed closed, resting in her leather attaché. This was the first time in months she couldn't recall working through the night. It again was fate's sardonic sense of humor that her life became entirely devoted to her career. Part of her remembered the days of carefree youth and longed for them once more.

The walls of anguish had already surrounded her, so she buried herself deep into something that would not cause her pain. Countless nights of falling asleep in her office, countless mornings of waking up relying on caffeine to help her through the day. Countless times comparing herself to him, and what drove her away.

The workaholic she had become in the process was of little comfort and she denied it vehemently to those around. But she couldn't deny the fact to herself, although she guarded the truth as some sort of prized secret. She didn't know why. Maybe it was all she had left. Her work. Timber.

Rolling to her side, she looked at the four glasses sitting upside down on a tray. In the center was a carefully aligned ice bucket. She looked at the clock not realizing how much time had passed since she had returned from the reception. Forcing herself into a sitting position, she resigned herself to the idea of walking to the lobby to retrieve some ice. Maybe getting out of the stale room would do her good, but then again, nothing could repress the countless memories right now.

At least nothing that time and distance from Balamb, and him, couldn't help.

Rising from the bed, she reached for the plastic bucket, taking off a piece of tissue placed over the top. In the mirror, she caught a glance of her tousled appearance, but really Rinoa couldn't have cared less. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, the only difference from her normal appearance being that her normally straight hair now included large curls, or what remained of them since the wedding. She wore a pair of cotton shorts and a matching t-shirt.

It wasn't like she was going to go impress the night bellhop, although somewhere in the back of her mind she was desperate for something. A moment just to forget who she was, why she was there, and the pain that returning had stirred in her heart.

She reached for her keycard, placing it in her pocket. Without a further thought, she opened the door, stepping into the hall.

"You are so mean!" A voiced teased from down the corridor. She only heard it vaguely, closing the door behind her. She could have given a damn who else was out there... unless that bellhop happened to walk by.

"No, I'm not," a rough voice defended. "You don't know my history with that man."

"Well, either way, referring to the President of a country in such a term seems very disrespectful."

"Whatever."

From his first word, she had known the voice; she could never forget that voice no matter how hard she had tried. She quickly fumbled for her key, hoping she could look natural returning to her room, not drawing attention to herself. Things never worked out that way, that would be way too easy. Her hands shook with the nervousness of her haste. She caught the keycard in her pocket, making it flip onto the floor. She could hear the sounds of someone bending down beside her, and she couldn't even look. She already knew.

"Rinoa?"

Yeah, great, now she had to look... and she had to get her damn card back.

"Hi," she barely rasped as she turned around, feeling her pulse race to a nearly painful rate.

"You're staying in that room?"

_"No shit Commander Obvious." _She kept the cynical comments to herself. "Um... yes."

He looked down at his hand, holding the keycard out for her. She remained emotionless, as she took it from him, not even able to thank him for picking it up. She found herself gripping onto the side of the bucket - the plastic edge cutting into her palm.

"Hello again, Lauren... Squall." She finally managed, although almost incoherently.

When Rinoa spoke Lauren's name, it felt like a knife plunged bitterly into his chest. The sorceress' calm demeanor was only turning the blade deeper into his heart. He felt the need to explain, this encounter wasn't planned. Hell, if he had thought it through, maybe something would have dawned in that pea-brained little head of his. Rinoa was from out of town, she more than likely would spend the night... it was much further to Timber than the twenty-minute drive back to Garden. Renting the room was only precautionary, depending on the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. Lauren's surprise arrival was the last thing on his mind.

"We... I... Selphie had reserved a block of—"

She raised her hand quickly, not wanting to hear the sordid details of his love life. Nor some empty apology out of sympathy... or guilt. Whichever. "Squall it's a free country. Hope you two sleep well."

Rinoa hoped her words didn't seem spiteful, but she couldn't handle the idea of staying around them any longer. She walked away quickly toward the lobby, with ice bucket in hand. If she had the patience, she would have waited for the elevator... but even the seconds it would take was far longer than she was willing to wait.

"Well... that was... awkward." Lauren looked over to Squall who was watching Rinoa's figure disappear down the stairs. He looked back to her as if to say something, but he couldn't answer.

Maybe this would be his only chance. Ever. Maybe it was now or never. He just had to know that she was okay, that she had gone on with her life. That above all, she was happy. Now it was his turn not to say anything to Lauren, as he produced the keycard from his own pocket. He opened his mouth, but decided that there was nothing he could say. Their relationship wasn't based on explanation. Lauren took the keycard nodding a single time, understanding the situation. He gave her the faintest remnant of a smile, before following the path that Rinoa had just blazed.

* * *

The ground hit hard beneath her feet, and all she could do was continue... Down the stairs, out of the building and as far away as her legs would carry her. She could feel each pebble poke into the tender bottom of her feet. She had cursed herself for not wearing shoes, but only thin socks. Not one of her more brilliant moves, but what were the odds?

_"Oh God, Oh god, Oh god..." _

The words were running through her mind at the speed of light. She could honestly start to feel her body tremble, as the emotional overload was building to a hysterical climax.

It was as if all the deities were punishing her in some sadistic pleasure. The spring temperatures would have been cool, had she allowed herself to feel. She would have given anything to be back in Timber, to be in her office or her townhouse. Anywhere but sleeping in the room next to him... and her.

Rinoa stopped when she reached the quay. There was nothing left in front of her but the ocean's water and the breakwater several meters out. She cursed herself for not going in the other direction, but right now she was just glad to be alone. Seeing a nearby bench, she used her remaining resolve to walk on the gravely surface, finally falling onto the wooden structure. She collapsed her head into her hands, hiding her face from the world.

The tide's rhythmic current crashed into the rocks. She listened as the night's subtle music started to pacify her nerves. She finally looked up, hugging the ice bucket to her chest. She hadn't been _this person_ for years, and she hated the uncertainty and instability clouding her mind.

For the briefest of minutes, she considered spending her night here, on this bench, smelling the salt wafting in the air. Watching the mist slowly absorb all in its path, like the fabled breath of the dragon. The cold air finally started getting to her, as her body was covered with goose bumps. She shivered in realization, knowing she would have to return to the hotel, to her room. At least she could live the fable a little longer, look at Balamb as the beautiful coastal town she remembered.

It was then she could sense a presence standing beside her. In any other situation she would have been afraid, but right now, she would have been happier if it had been a vagrant. Without a word, the commander sat down on the bench, looking at the same ocean she was.

The one that each had chosen a different shore to live their lives upon.

"One of the memories that returned from childhood was I used to spend countless hours watching the sea. I remember being at the orphanage and getting up as the sun would rise. I'd run down to the shore, looking for shells left by the tide. Not just any... but ones that weren't broken, ones that were truly beautiful. I thought if I collected them and made them into a beautiful gift for Ellone, she'd come home."

He paused, never looking at her, just watching the moon reflect off the water's ripples. "What I didn't know then was, what I was doing was taking something away from nature. Every shell could be a home... every shell had purpose. It wasn't my right to take them, to glue them onto a jewelry box. Instead of bringing Ellone back, I destroyed the homes of countless sea creatures."

"But you know now, right?" She finally answered.

"Yes," he answered softly. "I've destroyed too much in the past."

"You can't do anything about the past. Just learn for the future."

"I will." He couldn't help the next words that came from his mouth. "You look good."

She stifled a laugh, thinking of what a ghastly sight she had to be. Talk about empty flattery. The guilt must have been getting the better of his judgment. But instead of calling him on it, she just gave a subjective response. "Thanks... you too."

"I can drive back to Garden tonight..."

She turned to him for the first time this evening. "Squall, like I said, you don't owe me any explanations. It's been well over two years. You don't seriously think I'd believe you haven't moved on?"

He remained silent, unsure of what to say, still watching the ocean. How could he explain that his heart never had moved on? That nothing was what it seemed. That the fear and the uncertainty were only buried under a pile of requests and triplicate forms. Unfortunately, he wouldn't have time to say anything, before she broached the subject.

"She seems very nice." Well, at least from the three sentences she had heard from Lauren's mouth... she seemed 'nice.' This was too hard; she couldn't look at him right now. She turned back, focusing on the water.

"Rinoa, we're not..." He wanted to tell her that it wasn't anything close to serious. But then again, saying it was merely a 'physical relationship of convenience' appeared to be far worse. "Yeah...she's nice." He said forcibly.

"Squall, I'm sorry if I made you or Lauren uncomfortable today. I had to come for Selphie and Irvine."

"I'm glad you did. It wouldn't have felt right without you."

"Thanks." She echoed, barely above the crashing waves in the distance.

"So how's everything going... in Timber I mean." It was with that statement she looked at him again. This time, he had turned to look at her. Their eyes locked with one another, and it was in that moment when Rinoa realized they were too different. When she saw the moonlight reflecting in his eyes, she didn't even know the person behind the intense glare. That was all right... he didn't know her either.

"I can't... I can't do this." She finally said standing from the bench. "We're not 'those' people Squall. People who can break up and remain friends. It's too... complicated between us. I know some things were beyond your control and for that you're sorry, and no matter how many times you say it... it's never going to change the reality. I've got to get out of here..."

She started to walk away, afraid to turn around. The ridges of the ice bucket seemed to be digging into her flesh as she firmly grabbed the plastic edge. If she could just tell him goodbye, if she could just say it to his face... but she didn't; she just continued to walk away. She felt someone moving quickly behind her, grabbing her arm. She stopped at the contact. A million emotions flooded her thoughts, but the only thing that surfaced was anger. This time, he was the one looking in her eyes, trying to set his conscience at ease.

"Look, I couldn't talk to you today... but I have to know if you're all right."

He seemed sincere, but guilt could do that to anyone. "I'm fine, Squall. Don't worry about me. Your duty to me ended years ago."

He ignored the pain surrounding that comment. "Rinoa, you just seem... different."

"Squall, that girl you knew is gone... she was forced to grow up. Time and circumstance will change anybody. I spent most of my life relying on others - whether I'd admit it or not. Even when I was with the Forest Owls, they took care of me. Then I moved into Garden, living under their roof and spending money that I really hadn't earned. All of a sudden, I was on my own, and didn't want to go running home to Daddy. I finally grew up. I'm sorry if you think that I'm different, but maybe it was what I had to be. I go to work every day. I own my own house. Hell, I have a purpose in life now."

She stopped, making an effort to regain her composure that was quickly ebbing. "You don't have to worry about me anymore, as I said, your duty to me ended years ago. Timber's residents are very important to me. I really need to get back. I have an entire report concerning social economic barriers that is due by start of business Monday." Okay, maybe that last part was an excuse, because there was no way in Bahamut she could even write a legible paragraph.

"I knew you could make it on your own, you always could."

"Maybe, I just had to know that." She started to walk away as he still stood there; she wanted to turn to say that final word. To give herself that closure she was longing for... but maybe that part of her really was still living in the past.

For the third time in his life, he watched her figure as she disappeared into the horizon. The first time was at the graduation dance, when he knew nothing of her but her smile. The second time was the night when she left him in a downpour. That was the first time she had truly looked at him as a stranger, although they had known each other intimately. She realized that moment that she didn't know the person he really was. They were always too different, just each too stubborn to admit it. Finally, the third time tonight when he just let her go...

It never got easier with time; he thought it was supposed to.

* * *

** _Chapter Six: Your _ ** ** _Thousand _ ** ** _Seas_ **

The commander walked the distance back to the hotel, wondering why he felt the need to go after her in the first place. It wasn't as if the encounter would do either of them any good, just make an awkward situation worse. Still after all this time, he felt some unspeakable need to comfort her, and still the only thing she needed saving from - was him. He had sworn that he wouldn't allow his emotions to resurface, to suppress them back to that inner part of his soul that held them for so long. He quickly had lost that battle today. Hell, he lost that battle when he first saw her from the church window.

The young man behind the counter stared at him as he entered the lobby. With a slight nod of acknowledgement, the former knight walked over to the elevator without a word. _"Damn Bellboy."_ The adolescent worker was giving him an arrogant look, at least in Squall's opinion. The last thing he needed was some damn guilt trip by some judgmental stranger.

The trip to the second floor felt like a small eternity and as he walked the final steps to his room, it felt the equivalent of perpetuity. The commander found himself helplessly staring at her door, wondering what would happen if he found the courage to knock. If any of the past could be put behind them, if there was an infinitesimal shred of hope.

Of course not, why now?

If he had wanted to fight for her, he would have had done that long ago. She had made it crystal-clear that he wasn't welcome and the only thing he could do was respect her wishes. He cared about her that much. Deep in his heart, he knew that he would only hurt her again; he never did deserve the gift she so willingly gave. The one he willingly accepted, and then traded for treachery and a title.

No, he could never knock on her door... not now, not ever.

It was his ignoble decisions that cost him more than he could ever know. Two cadets, his self-worth, and the love he was never worthy of. It didn't matter what the reports stated, how his actions were exonerated by Garden, by the board. In their eyes, he could do no wrong; it was almost twisted how he was still revered by them, by the Headmaster. Still, there was someone he would never receive absolution from – and that was the only fitting sentence for his crimes.

The keycard swiped through the reader and the indicator light turned to an iridescent shade of green. He took a few steps into the room, wishing for a moment that Lauren hadn't shown up tonight. It wasn't that he had invited her, or even that they purposely showed up as a couple. She was just there. They were not a couple... she was just... Well, she was not _her,_ God he couldn't explain her presence in his life to himself, let alone someone else.

And that's all Lauren ever could be, someone who didn't love him. That was good, because that way he couldn't hurt her. Lauren had one thing on her mind, career ambitions and that was a lot easier for him to relate to. She never once complained about his hours, or about wanting to spend more time with him. Most of all, she would never make him chose between the two...

Then again, Rinoa never made him decide either – he made that decision solely on his own free will.

Unbuttoning his shirt, he tossed it over a nearby chair. Lauren was already asleep and he was grateful for that. He didn't know if she would have asked what happened, but now, he wouldn't have to worry either way. He undressed down to his boxers before lying down in the bed. All he could do was think that Rinoa was so close to him, yet never further away. Running his fingers through his hair, he rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

* * *

Rinoa rubbed the bridge of her nose sighing, this was truly the most pointless thing she had tried in ages. There was no way short of some small miracle, or casting a magical spell, that she was going to get one moment of sleep. She kicked the covers off in disgust, before turning over and glaring at the taunting glow of the digital clock. It had been a whole two minutes since she had last checked ...she could have sworn it should have at least been five. This night was going to last _forever_ – and that was not an understatement.

Again she sighed, reached down to her feet, and grabbed the sheet she had kicked off moments before at the realization she was now cold. This whole day wasn't turning out like it was supposed to... but what was _supposed_ to happen? She had no idea. Did she? It always felt like something in her life was left unfinished, undone, unsaid? If it truly was as simple as saying goodbye to him, why couldn't she just find the courage to do it? Why couldn't she just get up, walk over, knock on his door, and say goodbye? Okay, sure she would wake him and his girlfriend up and that was something she really couldn't deal with right now.

She couldn't blame him, she was glad for him, and as hard as it was for her to admit, almost envious of him. He seemed to have everything he wanted from those years ago; he now knew exactly what he wanted out of life. He was going to be headmaster with Cid's recently announced retirement, and he had all his friends around for support. He had Lauren, who really did seem 'nice,' as hard as that was to even think. And the boy who barely spoke when they met under a shooting star, today danced, smiled, and even had taken the time to find out about her tonight. Yes, her exciting daily routine was work and well, more work. Ironic. He certainly didn't need to know that part - ever. Maybe it was good she saw how well he was doing without her; it wasn't like he was going to ever knock on her door. Maybe once she got back to Timber she could make a conscious effort to try to start her own life. Maybe she really did just need to say goodbye.

But then why did something feel so wrong?

Maybe time had made her look back at things different, see things how they really were back then. She had always tried to play herself off as the innocent one, had always tried to act the part. No, she couldn't have seen what would have happened in Esthar, but part of her wondered if she was partially responsible. He had so much thrown on him, so much more than any one person could ever be expected to handle and yet he constantly overcame all the obstacles placed in his path. In a few short months he went from a cadet to a SeeD, from a soldier to a commander, from an unknown to a savior, and from an orphan to the son of a president.

She tried to give him space; she tried to give him support. But there she was always in the middle of the turmoil surrounding his life... from a client to someone he had to nearly 'baby-sit', to someone living at Garden to a girlfriend, and from weekend getaways to someone asking to spend the night in his dorm – not caring what others thought. How could he not feel some sort of added pressure? Not to mention that whole commitment of being a knight, something she practically thrust upon him with no choice. Yes, he agreed, but how much had he really known, how much had he really understood? Neither of them had.

Since he was five he had known one type of life, an organized, structured way of survival... not the carefree way she had in her teenage years. Hell, she even criticized his lifestyle on the playground in Trabia, and he _still _asked her to fight along beside them... Maybe she should have taken a hint back then. But no, she was too stubborn, too selfish. She often tried to think of when she actually fell 'in love' with him, but honestly, there was no _one _defining moment. Maybe that is what made the relationship so special. It might have been attraction at first sight, a physical reaction, maybe something her soul knew that her heart didn't, but it wasn't until later that she could honestly say it was love. To when she would willingly give her life for him without question, if that was love, or maybe it was something far beyond... maybe that was something of sorceress and knight. But whatever it was, she realized tonight that as much time that had passed, no matter how much she wanted to be angry, to dislike him, to hate the words he accused, she still had feelings for him.

Maybe that is why she still couldn't say goodbye – but he had.

* * *

He laid there in the silence, listening to her every breath. Her breathing was deep and even. Some nights he had found comfort in it, to know that he was alive... to have the mirage of a relationship to others. But tonight it was different, in the room next to him was the one thing that he longed for... the one thing he couldn't have. It was his fault and this was his retribution. For almost three years, he had made it through each day, but today was different. Today was the first day he didn't want to make it through... and that scared the hell out of him.

This place was filled with so many memories. In the beginning after Ultimecia, he was so worried about appearances he and Rinoa would go out of the way to keep the semblance of innocence. How he thought he could repress these memories was far beyond anybody's mental culpability, far beyond his. Their weekend getaways were some of the memories he would covet most in his life, when they were _anywhere_ but Garden. Timber, Balamb, Dollet... they had taken weekend holidays just about everywhere on the globe.

Maybe for those precious hours he could _almost_ forget he was the commander and be the person that he wanted. The person that he wanted to be for her, the knight he felt that she deserved. But it never quite worked out that way; Garden had a way of spreading through his life like a cancer... one that would turn out to be just as deadly and non-discriminating. He never found a way of completely separating himself from his command, even back then.

Rinoa always tried to smile. She tried not to act hurt, but he could see it – he could sense it. In all the time he never had the courage to ask her what she _really_ wanted, they were always living life by rules and regulations that he set. It was funny how he couldn't see that back then, but he saw it clearly now... everything she gave up and asked nothing in return but... well... him just being him. And he couldn't even do that right.

Turning toward the window, he stared out at the balcony. He remembered being in a hotel room almost identical to this one. It was on the same damn floor, hell it might have been this exact room, they all started to blend after time... Time had a way of mixing realities with fantasies.

He just recalled the salt filled air, coupled with the calming breeze. But most of all he remembered making love to her and then holding her until she fell asleep in his arms. It was funny how he had taken the small things for granted... Maybe it was because he didn't want to admit to himself he was waiting for her to fall asleep so he could go to his laptop and work without her getting upset. But he didn't want to remember that part, he could walk over to his computer and do that now. Being with her was lost in time, lost in his memories... but Garden and his work was still there. Every day. The only constant in his life, even more than his friends.

Maybe deep down he knew when things started to change. On the surface it was the same candy-coated world he wanted to believe, _she so wanted to believe_, but inside, it was that same nightmare he had been denying since childhood. Appearances were only skin deep and so maybe was his ability to deceive himself...

Something woke him up one morning here in Balamb, and he got dressed before the sunrise. It had been their last in this hotel as a couple, but he didn't know that back then... he had actually planned on proposing within a few months, he had actually picked out the ring. Maybe it was better she never knew about that. But that morning he stood out on the balcony alone, watched the starlight sky, and listened as waves crashed into a thousand seas. Maybe it was some kind of foreboding telegraphed within the subtle nuances of nature that he was too ignorant to grasp. Maybe he was too caught up in his own shortcomings, worried about how to ask her, worried about her answer, worried about what kind of husband he would make. Maybe he was too worried about everything, but what was right in front of him.

He watched the small bugs hover around the streetlamps and halogen lights. He took every small detail into his senses, forever etching them into his memory in that moment. He hadn't even realized it back then, that was most amazing part of all, never knowing until it was ripped down to the very fabric of his being. Yet the memories would always remain solid, chiseled into stone as fine masonry.

Through his moonlight stupor_ that_ night maybe deep down he knew... knew it wouldn't, _couldn't_, last forever. Nobody could predict the future right? Maybe he could. Hell, he wanted it to last, but he had too many doubts, too many fears. As much as he tried to bury them, they always found their way to the surface. She was always under the illusion that love could and_ would_ conquer all, and well... maybe it could... If he had believed in himself - believed in them, put his faith in something other than carbon copies and triplicate forms found in Garden's bureaucracy. Then he turned back to see her lying, sleeping... peacefully.

He put his arms behind his head, remembering it like it was yesterday.

* * *

_She pulled the sheet over her head as he sat on the bed. He smiled down at her figure, gently running his hand over what he believed to be her shoulder. It never ceased to amaze him, how much the simplest contact could make him feel alive. The human contact he had so avoided, he now craved so much, even through the thin barrier of fabric. _

_"Rin, get up."_

_"What do you want?" she groaned in annoyance._

_"Come on, get up, I want to show you something."_

_"It's the middle of the night... and if you are referring to 'that' as a 'something,' I've seen it... and from past experience 'it' will still be there in the morning."_

_"I'm not even going to comment on that... now get up." _

_"Don't you understand that a weekend off means sleeping in?"_

_"I did! It's well past five. Now get up."_

_"It's too damn early Leonhart..."_

_"That's it." He stated firmly. In one swift move, he rolled her almost a full turn in the sheet. She would have been upset had she not been laughing. He placed both of his arms beneath her, forming a makeshift cocoon. She used her hands to break free, uncovering her head. _

_"I'm not wearing any clothes!" She protested as he managed to open the sliding glass door with one hand. _

_He used his foot to open the door the rest of the way, before carrying her outside. "Well, that can be our little secret, okay?" _

_"Squall!_ _ I can't believe you're doing this!" She held the sheet firmly up to her chest, hoping that none of the nearby rooms would look out onto their balconies._

_"Yeah, say that any louder and all the registered guests will know. Just trust me."_

_"Trust you, you're the one fully dressed!" she laughed as he sat down into a patio chair. _

_"Should've listened."_

_"Don't start with me." _

_"Well, haven't you always wanted to watch the sunrise naked?"_

_"Uh... no... absolutely... NOT!" She fell back onto his chest, still holding the sheet firmly over her breasts. She tilted her head so their eyes locked and he met her with a mischievous grin. _

_"Oh guess that was **me** who wanted to watch you watch the sunrise naked."_

_"You have such a one track mind."_

_"No, I have two tracks... the other has been momentary derailed for the weekend, but it will be fully operational come Monday morning. Oh, I forgot to tell you that Cid thinks we can get the funding-"_

_She reached back with her free hand, attempting to cover his mouth from the awkward angle. "Stop it... that sounds like work talk. And there will be none of that this weekend. We have rules remember?"_

_"But..." He started to speak, but she moved her hand over his mouth._

_"No buts... just sun." She removed her hand, but quickly put it back thinking one-step ahead of him. "And don't even think of making a joke about my 'butt' here Squall. You got me up, and now we are going to watch this damn sunrise together... understand?"_

_He nodded in agreement and she removed her hand as they smiled at one another under the halogen glow of the light. _

_That morning in Balamb, he couldn't help but watch her. To watch her alabaster skin in the sun's first light. The rays of the sun had replaced the artificial illumination. His arms had encircled her as her eyes watched every beautiful moment of nature. Finally she spoke, and their silence had once again come to pass._

_"Squall, when am I going to be able to stay the night in your room? It's not that I don't love these weekend trips... I just would like to wake up with you at home."_

_"Rinoa, it's against the rules."_

_"You know, people aren't stupid Squall... they know what we are doing on the weekends."_

_"Yes, but we're not doing it at Garden."_

_"It makes a difference?"_

_"To me it does. I'm the commander, remember?"_

* * *

Six months before Rinoa left was the first she spent in his room. He had finally given in, but not completely by his own free will. She had been very persuasive, not to mention both were a little intoxicated. After that first night, the only times she would stay over was before a mission and the night immediately upon his return. Somehow, he had convinced himself that under those circumstances it was different. Now he would have done anything to have her stay for just a few minutes, ironic how the situation seemed ridiculous when he looked back on it with age behind him.

She was right, it didn't make a damn bit of difference where they were, as long as they were together. He saw that now. He didn't see that back then.

Now when he pictured her face, he never remembered the good times. That was too easy. It was always easier to picture the bad – the final night. Her tear streaked face before she stepped out into the rain. Then it didn't matter, salt mixed with fresh water falling helplessly to the ground. She looked back at him, biting her lip. It was almost as if her mind had come to accept this fate, no longer angry or upset, no longer bitter or scorned. She didn't smile; she didn't do anything but let the weight of her hair cling to her face. Then as an afterthought, she finally said one final thing to him.

_"Squall, who in the hell finds their soul mate at seventeen, huh?" _

Nearly three years later lying closer than ever, but never further apart, he finally found the strength to answer her question. "I did, Rinoa... I did."


	3. Lives in Choosing, Between the Shadows, and Through Each Tomorrow

** _Chapter Seven: Lives in Choosing _ **

The small droplets alone did nothing on the glass, yet with the pull of gravity, they slid down the pane mixing with one another. Together one drop became two, two became three, until at last, the many became the sum. They continued to multiply until a trail forged its own unique path on the smooth surface.

Rinoa placed her fingernail on the window damming the flow of the condensation. Somehow it didn't matter; she could only block its course for a moment. You can't stop what was meant to be moving. Gravity was the far superior force and the water found its own path. It kept moving, but ironically, Rinoa Heartilly felt as if she was the one standing still.

The young sorceress exhaled louder than she had intended, absentmindedly gazing into the night sky. Her eyes caught the flicker of twinkling white lights. The small bulbs were weaved throughout the branches of the trees that stood in front of the business district - a sight that sparkled brilliantly at twilight. They were identical to the holiday lights that one would use to decorate an evergreen tree or outlining a family's rooftop. But these lights showed outdoors vibrantly on a year-round basis. Small white bulbs glimmered – it was an attempt to free Timber from its industrial feel, to offer one of a more welcoming nature. It was only a cosmetic improvement on all fronts, but from her office window the lights danced like fireflies. Maybe the improvement was superficial to most of the officials, but the lights were beautiful and so simplistic in nature. She honestly found a calming magic within their brilliance, plus the residents of Timber seemed to enjoy them. They above anybody else deserved beauty, even in the form a few strands of manmade lights.

She should have been at home by now, but honestly, she had nobody to go home to. Rinoa had grown accustomed to bringing Angelo to the office. At first she would leave her on a small run outside, but as her position in the government grew the canine was granted more leeway. Now Angelo was almost regarded as the 'unofficial' Timber mascot. The dog had more admirers in the building than her owner did; which honestly, Rinoa was grateful for. Angelo even slept on a personalized hand sewn quilt. It was a gift from a Shumi tribe Elder presented to her after a meeting last year.

Taking another deep breath, Rinoa turned back to the assorted piles placed systematically on her desk. It wasn't unusual for her to immerse herself in work, rather it became her norm. It was something tangible that she could lose herself in; maybe that is why it was so hard for her to leave the office.

She forced herself to sit down, although part of her just wanted to run... run into the summer's rain and just feel something. It didn't matter if it was cold, wet, scared or even the fear of being utterly alone. Right now, that would be better than the emptiness she had to fight from consuming her.

Leaning back into her chair, she tried to keep her mind from wandering – that always tended to be her downfall. It was when she thought too much that she questioned herself and every decision leading up to this moment in life. She didn't like to live in the past, although she wasn't exactly living in the present. Her thoughts would often drift somewhere in between, to manipulate memories the way she wanted them to be. Or worse yet, create those that never were.

Now she found solace in her work. She honestly was proud of her achievements, and by all rights, she had succeeded on her own merits. For once Rinoa was not living in the shadow of her father, mother, or even SeeD, but her willingness and devotion to Timber. It still did not negate the emptiness, and watching Irvine and Selphie get married honestly was more of a setback than she had first anticipated.

Three months? The young sorceress could hardly believe that the time had passed so quickly, then again, ask her any other day and she would say that time felt as if it was standing still. She had talked to Selphie on occasion, but that is all it was, 'on occasion.' Her friend was happy, content in her new role as a wife. She doubted the two had changed much since the wedding, they would always just be Irvine and Selphie – married or not.

That was the true beauty of their relationship – Irvine and Selphie always seemed to be true to themselves. Maybe it was something she should have learned from them. Instead she tended to bottle her emotions; always afraid she would say or do something that would upset Squall. There was only so far she could push before he would run, even to a point of no longer feeling as if she had her own identity.

In the end, it didn't matter anyhow. Maybe she was the one who left that night, but he was the one that had 'run' way before then. Then again, maybe that was the only logical conclusion to their relationship. She had heard the whispers since the beginning, but she was bound and determined to prove each and every one of their critics wrong.

But in the end, they had proven _her_ wrong. Was it her naïve nature back then? Her youthful indiscretions that were more or less broadcast to every willing listener at Garden. Obsession, infatuation, entranced... she had heard them all, but never did the rumors ever include the word 'love.' That was something that was just unheard of; somehow outsiders never understood the nature of their relationship. In a way, she doubted her and Squall even began to comprehend the significance, but then again, she had no right to speak for her former knight... she really never did.

Thinking of the past was irrelevant, she knew this. It just seemed easier today. It was as if she had to live everything over again from the wedding. She had tried not to think about it, but today the memories were relived in 8x10 glossy color.

Biting her lip, she picked up her pencil shuffling through the papers on her desk. It had become a form of therapy, immersing herself wholeheartedly into the concerns of Timber. Her pencil flowed over the paper as she scribbled her initials on her department's weekly expense forms. A soft rap made her look up to see a young man standing in the doorframe.

"Hey sweetie, why are you still here?"

Rinoa smiled rolling her eyes through the frustration, "Zone... like you have to ask. I guess the better question is: what are _you _still doing here?"

"Oh, that one I can easily answer," came his smug reply, holding something behind his back. "Tuna salad."

"Tuna salad?" she questioned in confusion. "If that is some secret name for the latest military operation... no wonder we're in so much trouble."

"Hey! As Timber's Chief Military Officer, I take great offence to that!"

She laughed waving his comments off with a motion of her hand. "So what **_is _**operation 'Tuna Salad?' Or don't I have sufficient clearance to know?"

"Of course you do," he answered smugly walking into the room as he produced a small white sack from behind his back. "That's because operation 'Tuna Salad' was for me to do a recon mission to the deli and fortify a hold on **_this_** sandwich. My latest intelligence report stated you didn't have any lunch and chances were probable that you didn't stop to eat dinner."

"Did I ever mention how much you scare me?" she teased. The young woman smiled putting her elbows on the desk, resting her chin in her palms. "And you need to amend your report. For the 'official' record, I had... a gram cracker, which sort of counts as a lunch," she defended. Reaching forward, she snatched the bag from his hands. "Zone you're so sweet... but you do realize that I hate Tuna Salad with an unrivaled passion."

"Of course I know, _Miss Overdramatic, _which is exactly why I brought you a ham and cheese. I just gave it a 'covert name' to throw off any enemy sandwiches in the immediate area."

She laughed loudly reaching into the bag and then started to unwrap the thin waxy paper covering. "Have you been in for your psych test lately?"

"Hell no, I've blown those things off for years." He answered arrogantly sitting down in the chair in front of her. Folding his arms, he leaned back placing both of his feet on her desk.

"No kidding," she chuckled, before reaching over and pushing his feet from their resting place. She raised an eyebrow, almost daring him to put his legs back up there. It was the only normal interaction she had all day, even though it was more like being harassed by an older sibling at times. "Now if I could just teach you some manners my day would be complete, but I thank you for the food anyhow. What about you, did you eat?"

"Yes a few hours ago, during what the norm of society actually considers the dinner hours."

"Who ever said I wanted to be part of the norm?" she countered with a condescending grin, taking another bite of the sandwich.

"Point taken," he laughed shaking his head. Rinoa could be stubborn at times, there was no denying that. "Although, you never did answer me."

"Didn't answer you on what? I thanked you for the sandwich, didn't I?"

"Yes, Rin... but you never answered my question, why are you still here?"

"Look..." she sighed unable to hide her aggravation. Placing her left hand on her forehead, she rubbed the side of her temple with her thumb. She could feel the tension mounting into a severe headache. Rinoa knew this lecture by heart; she had heard it from everyone. Hell, if Angelo could talk, her furry companion would be repeating it verbatim. Instead, the dog just stared at her with accusing eyes and silently made her feel guilt on a nightly basis.

"Zone, you know, I don't want to go through the same old routine with you. You've known me since... well, for a very long time. I honestly think of you and Watts as my two older brothers, thicker than any blood. I know you feel the same way - like I'm the younger sibling or that 'princess' that you still need to protect. Watts went through the same overprotective stage before I finally convinced him. But now that he has his own family, doesn't mean you have to take over his role about worrying about me."

She paused looking down to nothing in particular. For some reason she couldn't find the strength to look him in the eyes - at least not right now, not today, and not dealing with this subject. "Zone, I know what I'm doing... I grew up a long time ago. I can honestly say you don't have to worry about me."

"I just hate seeing what he did to you."

_And then he had to say that._ Not this again, and not from someone she honestly cared about. Zone should have known better; he should have known not to blame Squall Leonhart for anything. This was her choice. Why couldn't anyone understand that? She placed her left hand out of sight, subconsciously clenching her fist trying to control the anger seething within.

"You know this isn't what _he _did to me, how many times do I have to explain this?" She stood, pushing her chair back with more force than she had intended. She found her body on the verge of shaking... from anger and restraint, from exhaustion and fatigue. Zone had never liked Squall, that was evident from their first mission in Timber, but he had learned to live with him over time. But after Rinoa's return, she felt that Zone held more resentment at times than she ever did, where Watts was a little more tolerant of the commander.

Zone was shocked by her reaction, never had he seen her act so visibly shaken on the subject. True, his dislike of Leonhart was no secret, but still she usually didn't confront him on that matter. Maybe Rinoa was right, she just needed support right now, and not someone constantly reminding her of the past. Though it was hard, he had watched her change over the years. She went from the carefree spirit to the person standing before him. He could still see the old Rinoa in there somewhere, but she had just been jaded by life, a little more than she ever let on. He just hoped that one of these days she would get angry, upset, or finally just face her feelings about Squall. Until then, he feared that she was going to be hiding in this office watching life pass her by from her third floor window. He cared for her too much to let her walk down this path alone.

"Rinoa, I'm sorry... I didn't mean anything."

"No, nobody ever means anything," she finally confessed more to herself than to her friend. "I-I'm sorry too." She didn't know why she had been so upset this time compared to the countless others. She usually brushed these things off with a grain of salt. Well, she could think of one reason her reaction was so uncharacteristic. She reached down, opened her desk drawer, and produced an envelope that she tossed to where Zone sat wordlessly.

"These arrived today," she softly admitted still unable to make eye contact with him. "I guess seeing them bothered me more than I thought."

* * *

The commander opened his desk drawer taking out a small white container. Cursing under his breath, he fumbled with the child resistant seal carefully placed on the pill bottle. His head was pounding, and everything up until this moment was only pointing to the fact the day was only going to get worse. He mumbled a few inaudible syllables, placing two of the white tablets into his palm. After a few moments of contemplation, he looked at the bottle, and placed two more aspirin into his hand.

So he was doubling the recommended dosage – that was just a 'guideline' anyhow. The makers of the damn pills had no idea of the stress he was under. If he really wanted he could march right down to Dr. Kadowaki's office and get a prescription for something far stronger. But then again, he wouldn't want to let anyone know that this place was finally whittling away at his sanity, not even his doctor.

He tossed all four pills into his mouth and reached for the glass of water sitting on his desk. As he finished swallowing, he noticed a large manila envelope placed in his 'in box.' Several white faxed documents had been set on top of it, he grumbled under his breath as he moved them to the side. He would deal those in a moment, God knows they would still be there waiting for him. Some things never changed.

The first thing that drew his attention was simple fact that the envelope had been handwritten. It was not typed or stamped with a rubber address label; something penned by hand was becoming increasingly rare in his line of work. He unbound the twine that sealed the end, taking great care as he inspected the package. Again, that was something else that age and experience taught him in his line of work - you can never be too cautious.

He almost felt like a complete idiot when he saw what was inside, almost. That was – if he hadn't been so fixated on one of the subjects. Sometimes he still felt like that shy teenager leaning against the marble pillar, scared and out of place. Other times he felt like an old man, far beyond his years. Right now, it was bizarre combination of both.

The glossy photographs seemed foreign, taken on a day he barely remembered. Maybe part of his mind had subconsciously blocked it out. He wondered how pathetic he looked staring at her in a photo, but honestly he didn't care. Irvine and Selphie were centered in the picture, and the bridal party balanced on either side. It was funny, they were all smiling... except him. Although, he did look like there was a small hint of one partially forming on his lips. Rinoa, on the other hand was smiling brightly, looking like the angel he remembered, only more mature. Even the red dress she had worn seemed to fit perfectly, in a way, it was almost like looking at someone entirely different. Then again, maybe she was. Every picture of her he had she seemed so young, maybe they both were back then. Then again, maybe they had been forced to grow up way before they should have. Together they had seen so much, been through so many changes, emotional and otherwise.

Sometimes he wished he could tell her how proud he was of her, but knew coming from him it wouldn't mean a lot. She had done so much for Timber and worked so hard. To Rinoa her position wasn't just a job. She felt responsible for every citizen of Timber and always had their best interest at heart. She truly did speak for the people, and that was something he had really never done. He had begrudgingly accepted his role as commander, and even had thought of quitting back then. Now it was something he did out of loyalty and duty, but it would never be with the heart she set forth in her work. God, he admired that.

He looked at the date inlayed on the bottom of the wedding photos, had it really been just three months? It felt so much longer, but that wasn't surprising. Last month it had officially been three years of being separated from Rinoa, ironic how that was longer than their entire romantic relationship had lasted. But during those years with her he had undergone the most changes, learned so much about life – the good and the bad. Years back he was just that awkward teenager trying to fit into the role of a commander, of a friend, of a knight and lover. It just was somewhere in there the roles somehow overlapped, until there was just one diluted version of the three.

"Squall, Cid had been trying to reach you."

Zell's voice startled him; he immediately felt some type of embarrassment for staring at her picture. He quickly put them back into the envelope pretending as if it was just any other memo he had been studying. Haphazardly he tossed the photos back into his 'in box,' now going through the motions of sorting through the faxes he had skipped earlier.

"So why didn't he call?" Squall stated it like it was the most obvious question in the world.

"He couldn't get through, he left several voice messages."

The commander looked down at his phone, noticing the menacing red light for the first time. Its blinking was almost a mocking of his observation. Maybe he should have noticed sooner, but the only thing he had been paying attention to in red wasn't some obnoxious blinking light.

"I was getting to it," Squall stated in defense although he wasn't sure why. He certainly didn't have to answer to Zell, but sometimes things became a matter of pride. "I've been swamped."

"Ahh... yeah, I see." Zell thought it was just best to let this drop. "Anyway, we're headed to Dollet, just like the good ole' days."

The commander narrowed his eyes, trying not to lose his composure that was quickly retreating. "What _good old_ days?" There was a hiss to his tone that didn't go unnoticed by the martial artist.

"Oh yeah, um... I just meant-"

Several instances flashed through Zell's mind, but he couldn't bring himself to mention any out loud. Maybe because he knew if he did, he would be playing into the commander's hand; it had been a loaded question. If the martial artist brought up the 'field exam' then the commander would only recall the fact that he had met Rinoa that evening. If he brought up the time the girls were 'arrested,' well that was self evident. There were several others, but somehow each led back to a memory of a certain sorceress. The martial artist could tell today was **_not_** a day to bring up any memories of her.

Zell scratched the back of his neck; he had only meant the statement to be somewhat rhetorical. Knowing there was nothing the blond could say that would be fitting, he opted for the next best option – ignorance.

"Yeah, don't have a clue what I meant either. Just always wanted to say that."

"Whatever." Squall's demeanor turned back to business. He always seemed to have that as a crutch. It was easier to think about than the photographs sitting on his desk. So he did the only thing he could do, the one thing he had done for three years now, return to the one thing that would never leave him.

"So, tell me about the mission."

Little did he know for the second time in his life, it would be a mission that would make him question everything he had ever known.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Eight: Between the Shadows ** _

Zell smiled nervously, unsure whether he had managed to dodge the bullet this time or if Squall was just making him purposely writhe in pain for that comment. It wasn't like the commander to play games, but some subjects brought unknown responses from the senior. All right, especially pertaining to one specific subject... and anything remotely related to _her_ – and for the last few years that seemed to be just about _everything_.

Squall's continued silence was a decent indicator that he wasn't going to show his hand concerning the matter. The martial artist struggled to remain confident, desperately trying to get out of the awkward situation he had found himself careening into head first.

"Well Squall... not so much a mission as an assignment. Your presence was requested for the peace talks taking place in Dollet... I kinda got picked through the whole 'guilt by association' factor. So turns out you and I will be aiding Balamb's local government with security... We'll be escorting the mayor and his deputies to Dollet."

Politics. Squall loathed the very thought. The fact that they were more or less serving as 'political body guards' made it a little easier to swallow. Hopefully that meant he could shut up and concentrate solely on the mission of security. Still, the commander could come up with a more proficient use of his time, like watching the enthralling process of photosynthesis. Damn, he could only dream.

"Apparently yesterday one of Deling's cabinet members was gunned down in a random drive-by shooting. After Esthar losing someone four months ago, well-"

Zell's words seemed to fade into oblivion as only a few phases registered in Squall's conscience such as: '_Deling'_ and '_Cabinet.'_ The commander's initial fears turned immediately toward General Caraway - who was now holding an esteemed cabinet position within Deling's government. Not only had Rinoa's father been aiding with military operations, he had been essential in helping the newly elected President Mitchell in an advisory capacity. Zell must have sensed the commander's concern, because before Squall had a chance to even pose the question out loud, his comrade responded.

"No Squall, it wasn't Caraway... He's actually away on assignment in Esthar right now."

Squall internally breathed a sigh of relief, but his exterior never betrayed his stoic demeanor. He hoped that someone would have informed him if it had been Caraway, way before now, but then again that may have been too much to ask. As a secondary thought, the idea of Caraway any where in the general vicinity as Laguna was also extremely unnerving. That would be a dinner that Squall was glad he sure as hell wasn't invited to. He returned from his thoughts as Zell's voice again registered in his head – damn he hated when he allowed himself to drift. His daydreaming had cost him everything once, yet he still found it was easiest to retreat – there nobody could get into his inner turmoil.

Zell's voice droned on, oblivious to the fact that the commander had lost sight of anything he was explaining. "Three accidental deaths of high ranking political figures in the last four months? I don't believe in coincidences this um... coincidental? I can see why the Mayor called out the big guns."

"I learned a long time ago not to believe in coincidences," Squall stated without further explanation.

"Yeah, neither do a lot of the world's leaders. That's one of the reasons they're holding this conference in Dollet. Not to mention several countries have hired SeeD to protect their delegates."

"Do you know who will be attending?"

Zell sighed inwardly. Three years ago this comment would have taken on a completely different meaning - today it proved an entirely different entity. Back _then_ Squall would have been indirectly asking 'who were the delegates from Esthar.' Seeing Laguna was never a highlight on his weekly agenda. Today the question was in reference to Timber, again still asked just as indirectly. It was like a code spoken between two military personnel, but Zell understood its implications. The irony of the situation was - Zell could never admit that he knew the underlying question... In order to keep up appearances, he had to pretend it was still a question about Esthar's delegation. That was easier for the commander to deal with – his father was never his choice, the other – his regret.

The martial artist grinned halfheartedly, "Kiros and one of his advisors will be representing the Estharian government."

The commander acknowledged the statement with a nod of his head, still, slightly thankful that it wasn't Laguna. Squall couldn't deal with that situation now. Sometimes he wondered if he would ever completely be able to. He had learned to accept some facts - that still didn't mean he had to agree with the man's decisions. Then again, he really didn't have room to talk anymore – history had almost repeated itself, and then some, to a certain degree. Hell, maybe he should be looking up to Laguna if he thought about it in laymen's terms.

"Oh and I think Watts will be there too... for Timber." The martial artist added, like it was an afterthought. Both of them knew it wasn't - that was the hidden question the commander had asked, layered among the vagueness.

* * *

"I heard you're leaving tomorrow." Lauren sat with her legs crossed, near the edge of the bed as she removed the stylus from her PDA. Never bothering to avert her gaze from the device, she quickly scrolled through her files. "So Squall, how does the commander pull bureaucratic babysitting duty?"

"With all the forces of the universe conspiring against him and Balamb's very paranoid mayor." Squall's answer was brusque. "He insisted that I came along... and Cid apparently doesn't have the backbone to deny the damn request."

"They've done a lot for us." Lauren reminded him not even commenting on Squall's personal view of the headmaster. "Garden owes a lot to Balamb."

Squall stopped typing abruptly on his laptop, turning to face her. "Don't you think I know that?" he scoffed angrily. "That still doesn't negate the fact that I have duties that aren't going to take care of themselves." He was firm with his words, though he doubted Lauren even gave a damn about his personal feelings. No, that wasn't fair and he knew it. It's just sometimes that he missed... No, he refused to let his mind wander back to times when _she_ was sitting on that same bed.

Lauren's thoughts fixated on Garden first and foremost, probably more than he ever could. She never questioned how long he would be gone; she never acted concerned that he was leaving on what could be a dangerous mission... whatever was best for Garden. She never asked him how he felt only subtly reminded him on how he _should_ feel. Because, that was truly what SeeDs did and she was the epitome of the perfect soldier on those fronts. Maybe that is what made this 'relationship' easier, but maybe that is what made him long for something else even more. God he missed it.

He exhaled slowly amending his statement, attempting to conform into the role that he was desperately to portray to those around. So without missing a beat, he answered the question she first asked, this time with all the adeptness of a politician "I was selected for this assignment based on reputation and experience. The Mayor decided it was best that I accompany the delegation. Cid willingly agreed, so Zell and I were assigned to this mission."

Good for him, he was now the perfect fucking SeeD. That should make someone happy, although it sure as hell wasn't him, as much as he tried to act the role. It didn't matter, because at least he could be what everyone else around him wanted to be, including Cid and Lauren. At least he could make somebody happy.

* * *

Images smoldered in her mind, Rinoa could feel the hot branding iron searing the wedding photos into her memory. As much as she tried to deny their existence, it only made the reality that much more painful. She found herself gripping the edge of the manila envelope, with more force than necessary, but she just couldn't gather the strength to look at them again. Why in the hell shouldn't she? They were her friends, some of the best friends she had ever known... Selphie and Irvine, their love managed to transcend any limits. Maybe it was for that reason looking proved difficult. Still, it was not jealousy, rather a sense of loss or mourning on what could have been.

Hell, some of it could have been anger on her part, she knew that. Why couldn't she move on as easily as he had? Part of her envied him for that; still there was something not letting go, nagging at her. How could she share her secrets with someone else? How would anyone else understand what she _was?_ Where in casual conversation could she fit in the small anecdote that she was the only sorceress known in existence? Maybe on the fourth date - between the soup and salad at the local steak house.

God, when did her life become this?

This was not the time to dwell on the 'what could have beens.' She heaved a sigh, finally tossing the pictures on to her coffee table. Angelo picked that moment to saunter in from the kitchen, drops of water still visible around her mouth. The canine looked at her master before jumping lazily onto the couch and then performing the obligatory three turns before lying down.

Rinoa smiled looking at her furry companion, "Don't you even think of putting your muddy paws on-"

Why even finish that thought? Is that what her social life boiled down to, pointlessly reprimanding her dog? Not to mention what on this godforsaken planet possessed her to purchase light colored furniture in the first place? She wasn't even honestly upset at Angelo. It was just out of desperation for conversation, no matter what form it was found in – even that one-sided and slightly dysfunctional.

"You better have wiped your paws on the welcome mat outside young lady," teased the sorceress. She finally gave into tiredness, sinking onto the couch beside her best friend. Angelo looked up, brown eyes seeming to be clouded with confusion, or maybe it was just indifference. It didn't matter; at least it was some visible emotion at the moment. Finally the dog stretched her hind legs, letting out a soft snort and placed her head gently on her master's leg. Rinoa instinctively moved her fingers through the dog's thick coat, watching individual shedding hairs fly upwards into the air.

"If I need to get this couch dry cleaned, it is sooo coming out of your allowance," Rinoa teased halfheartedly. "Plus now, I need to vacuum thanks to your shedding."

Is this what her life came down to, threatening to take away money the dog obviously didn't earn? The reality remained, she was angry with herself, how had she transformed into this person she saw when she looked in the mirror? Strangely she never could be upset with Squall, maybe the blame wasn't as black and white as it seemed – blame rarely was what it first appeared.

There the envelope sat, beckoning in a call she couldn't ignore. Maybe it took more strength to _look_ at the pictures than to simply ignore them. The easiest option would be to disregard them, put them in a drawer, and pretend they didn't exist; hell for that matter, pretend her life hadn't existed over the last few years.

She reached to the coffee table mentally chastising herself with every second that passed. Still, she couldn't stop her actions. Maybe there was just this underlying need to see his face again. Rinoa looked over the first few pictures with a smile on her face until she stopped on one that showed the bride and groom posed with Squall – who appeared not so _posed_. The wedding was simply beautiful, her friends were beautiful, and as much as she tried to deny the fact, he was beautiful. Squall Leonhart wouldn't like being called beautiful; she found herself chuckling slightly at what his reaction would have been. Then again, she would have given about anything to see him irritated with her right now – except her pride.

Damn those 'would have beens' again.

"He still looks amazing, doesn't he?" Rinoa asked out loud holding the photograph for Angelo to see. The dog reacted slightly to the spoken sounds, but showed no interest in the chemical filled paper - maybe if it had been laced with cheesy bacon scent...

In the picture's background she could see Lauren in conversation with another SeeD, though standing nowhere near Squall. "I met _her_," Rinoa admitted quietly returning her gaze to the commander's eyes. "Her name is Lauren. She honestly did seem nice... I'm glad for him... Well, at least I should be. I think he'll be happier with someone in the same line of work. I guess I just couldn't understand everything; I never was really one of them..." Rinoa trailed off falling back into the regret she'd tried desperately to crawl out of most nights. "Lauren is beautiful too and apparently very ambitious."

Rinoa exhaled tracing the picture with her fingertip. "He deserves it... I mean to find happiness."

The dog whimpered as if in understanding, or maybe she was just trying to calmly tell her owner that she deserved the same. Still the sound was only perceived as something in agreement to Rinoa's words.

"Yeah, I know girl, he does, I mean that," softly confessed the young woman. "I guess it was just hard to come face to the face with the reality. You should have been there. I could have died from embarrassment a few dozen times... Once I thought he was waving to me and-" She looked downward closing her eyes, "...And I am telling this to a dog."

Rinoa carefully placed the photographs on the table, leaning back into the plush cushions and looked helplessly at the ceiling. "I can't even tell Zone. I can't tell anyone... but here I am spilling my guts to you. Thanks for not judging me though... I get enough of that from the rest of the world. At least that is something you will never do."

Resting her head all the way back, Rinoa closed her eyes. "I miss him though... I guess it's hard to admit that to anyone. Maybe I'm crazy, but damn it, I miss him. You know if he had just come after me, one time over the last few years. One time made me think he missed me... God, I waited, but you know that, don't ya girl? I wasn't what he needed, and I have to learn to accept that, right? Wishing and wanting gets you nowhere in this world..."

Angelo let out a muffled bark before cocking her eyebrows toward her master.

"See, I knew you would understand. I just feel like there is something... undone, maybe? Something that Squall and I need to finish before I can move on, but I know I'm only being selfish. It's obvious he doesn't feel it. I guess it's regret on my part... I suppose that's it. Angelo, I just wish I could talk to Squall like I talk to you some times."

Sitting up, Rinoa leaned forward just enough to look her friend in the eyes. "I guess we should change for bed. Well, _I_ should change for bed... you're pretty much dressed," she tried to let out a soft giggle, though the intention fell rather flat. Now she found herself looking directly at the dog, asking for a solace that could never come from the canine. "Angelo, please just tell me there isn't something still left. Tell me it's over and I will try my _damndest _to move on. Just tell me why I feel the way I do after all these years. Tell me that I can say goodbye to him, to us."

The dog remained silent and that was the only answer she needed.

* * *

"_Commander… Repeat ….move ….now…"_

Between the state of consciousness and reality Squall woke, though he refused to open his eyes. Somehow the darkness that he found within his own lids seemed favorable to the bitter reality. How many nights had those words haunted him? How many times had he heard the same tattered voice disturbing his sleep? It didn't matter, as the words were just the means to his downfall. There was no one to blame but himself, though that was harder to admit. It was always easier to place blame on those around. Still lying within the shadows, he knew precisely where to put the blame.

His heart rate slowly decreased and he steadied his rapid breathing. In the darkness, he regained his bearings. There was a comfort in the fact that he found himself alone in bed tonight. Half of the time, he reviled that fact; half of the time, he sought comfort in it. Right now, he just wanted to drown in his own self-hatred; he knew that was useless - some mistakes could never be fixed.

It was times such as this, he found himself wanting to call her name in some vain attempt that it would bring her back. Maybe she could hear his cry across the ocean. He pushed the sheets off of him, wanting nothing to touch his skin. He didn't know who he was anymore; all he had become was what everyone around him wanted him to be. The problem was - he didn't know who he wanted to be anymore.

Finally, against better judgment, he opened his eyes just enough to make out the numbers on the alarm clock. It was under two hours until it was set to go off, not enough time to fall back to sleep, as some things never came easily to him. Restless sleep had always been his norm, except on a few rare occasions.

With a heavy sigh, he sat up, letting his eyes adjust to the light for a moment longer. The commander ran his fingers through his hair, something he figured he did way too often, but it had become habit, for better or worse – rather a parallel to his life. Looking over to his desk, he figured he could at least do a little more work before he left for Balamb's harbor.

Rinoa would have hated that idea.

He could mentally feel her hand on his shoulder, as she would ask him not to get up. She always wanted him to stay in bed a little longer, stay together. It sent a chill throughout his body. Closing his eyes, Squall cursed himself, how he could believe in ghosts? That wasn't right she was never a ghost. Rinoa was very much alive; she remained only a ghost in his memories – and his life. Still it was moments like this that he could hear her voice, hear her telling him to lay back down. Her fingers gently grasping his bicep in desperation.

The irony was, back then, he used to be irritated by her antics. He would often hold back his anger and annoyance. Maybe the old adage was true, you never knew what you had until it was gone. But in all fairness, if he hadn't gone through what he did, maybe he would still be annoyed if she had grabbed him right now.

He laughed.

It was the first sound beside the ragged breathes that had escaped his lips. God he would love to prove his twisted theory. Sometimes he blamed himself for not being able to move on; although he had outwardly done so to most people surrounding him. He highly doubted his friends believed that fact, yet not one had said anything. They didn't know the truth of her departure either - they were still at a loss on the truth.

Maybe that was part of the confrontation with Zell the evening before. Maybe deep down, Squall just wanted one of his friends to confront him outright. Hell, maybe he wanted to tell one of them the truth, tell them what a bastard he was, and tell them the real reasons the cadets died. They had never asked in so many words, and that honestly bothered him. Where were the boundaries between loyalty, duty, and the friendship they so amply claimed? Maybe he knew, as sure as he was sitting here alone in the dark, there were always two sides of a story. It was never the proverbial black and white. He wondered if one of his friends could look beyond the gray.

At times, the pull of regret was far stronger than his will. Now he felt this was quickly becoming one of those inevitable times in his life. Yesterday he had seen the photographs. They were just a callous reminder of the failures in his life. Her smile, her presence, just the poise she carried in a crowd of people. There was no way she would want this from him, he kept telling himself they should have both grown from the experience. She sure as hell seemed to have. There was something so mature, so unfathomable about her eyes now. She wasn't the same person who left him standing in the rain and maybe that was the only solace found in this entire situation.

She had grown in so many ways and he was glad.

It was about the last thing he wanted to do, but somehow it served as a hostile reminder. Under the mask of the darkness, the commander moved his hand over to the nightstand. Slowly he wrapped his fingers around the handle, opening it just enough to reach in and grab the solitary velvet box. God, he had no idea why he kept it, or even more importantly, why he kept it so close. Maybe he should have just gotten rid of it after that first night on the balcony, when he found himself too internally conflicted to ask her to be his wife.

Even after the years, the diamond sparkled, caught between the reflection of his alarm clock and the night sky. He remembered the day he purchased it from a small jewelry store in Timber, the irony now was not lost on him. He had been so nervous over the purchase; even the sales clerk could sense it. Though the woman tried to assure him it was natural of most men in his situation, he highly doubted that to be the case. Still he forced a smile and an idle 'thank you' as he found himself signing the sales receipt.

Now he looked at the box and eyed the outline of the original sales slip, neatly folded underneath. Maybe he should have thrown it away, well, both the receipt and the ring, but there was something always telling him to hold onto both objects. Maybe it was just the sadistic reminder he needed in his life. As he ran his finger over the thin band, he wondered if Lauren had ever come across it. The box was pretty obvious in his drawer. Still she had never said anything, not as if she would, that wasn't her way.

Rinoa and Lauren… polar opposites… he knew that. Maybe that was what allowed him to let Lauren in, even as superficial as it may be. It was still closer than anyone else at the moment; at least he knew where he stood in that relationship. That he could handle, that he could understand.

As he ran his fingertip over the top of the diamond, he could feel each prong holding it securely in place. The thin band of gold seemed… so diminutive, he wondered if Rinoa's fingers were even that tiny, yet in the same instant, he also knew they were. Why he did this to himself he could never explain to another soul, it became a silent torture he almost found himself reveling in. Still, the commander knew he couldn't do this now, especially on a night before a mission. Then again, this would have been a night he would have allowed Rinoa to sleep in his bed. So it seemed the most appropriate time to put himself through this excruciating torture.

Snapping the box closed, he flung it into the drawer with more force than necessary. It wasn't as if it was the ring's fault, it couldn't help what it was, what it was designed for. Maybe the ring and him had more in common than he first believed. He couldn't help what he was. **_A SeeD_**. What he was designed for. **_Battle._** More importantly, the ring could never symbolize more than it was, just like him – **_a failure _**of what could have been.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Nine: Through Each Tomorrow ** _

It was the moments between darkness and light, that precious time when the first aura of illumination peered through the clouds that he felt the most solace in his life. Squall Leonhart found himself thankful the delegation had been able to leave Balamb's harbor before dawn. There was something about watching the emergence of daybreak from _that_ town that brought back unforgettable memories – mainly those wrapped naked in a sheet and holding him tightly on a balcony. It was still difficult enough to witness the sunrise outside of Balamb, or anywhere else on the globe for that matter. Somehow sunrise was never a beginning in his mind, only an end that would forever haunt him.

Still, he could have gone below deck to the main cabin, but the commander found a certain comfort standing alone on the forward bow. Here he could witness the sun's ascent in peace, unlike the political propaganda and bullshit that was more than likely being discussed below. Zell probably wasn't enjoying the conversation or the company anymore than he would have, but the martial artist did have enormous amounts of respect – both for the Mayor and the Commander. He would allow Squall the momentary tranquility and the Mayor his audience.

The vessel sped against the current, cutting the ocean as if it were silk to a dagger. Squall found himself watching the water churning below; he still couldn't fathom the vibrant hues of sunrise before him. He would rather watch the ocean, its repetitiveness, and the similar shades of color it offered. There was peace in monotony, at least in his life. He closed his eyes, letting the forceful wind beat against his skin. It stung, it hurt, it felt like thousands of Cactuar's needles, but at least it was something.

It was feeling, good or bad - at least _he felt_.

What he couldn't understand was why all these old feelings had come flooding back forcefully, to a point that he could not repress them as he had for so long. Maybe it was because he had seen _her_ only a few months ago and it made the realization that much more bitter. Maybe it was because she had seen him with Lauren, and even though it wasn't, it still felt like a betrayal of their relationship, of the respect he still held for Rinoa.

There was also the nagging factor that he wasn't positive how he would have reacted had the situation been reversed, had Rinoa been the one who brought someone with her - part of him would have wanted to die on the spot. The other part of him would have wanted to, well, frankly bash the man's brains in, though that wasn't at all within his rights. Maybe too he now had the validation that she had moved on without him, but of course wasn't that within her rights?

God, he hated it when he did this. He was in his early twenties, already guaranteed the headmaster's position, and was financially stable... How many people could say that by twenty-three? Then again, what did he have to spend money on? Virtually everything was supplied by Garden – room, board, meals, even down to the uniform he wore. Aside from the rare lunch out, his subscription to Weapon's Monthly, or the occasional replacement of a leather garment... there was very little to spend money on, but when would he truly find the time anyhow?

The last thing he had purchased outright was the gift for Selphie and Irvine's wedding, but at least that came from his heart – well, what part of it remained under the façade of a SeeD's mentality. It was almost ironic how much Gil he had put aside over the years – tied up in investments, stocks and bonds, to save for the future... that was almost laughable at the moment. Invest in what future?

"So can anyone come up here, or is it by invitation only?"

The moments of his solace were broken, but maybe that was a blessing. "Not now Zell," the commander stated, never removing his eyes from the water's hypnotic motion. "Do you need something?"

"Yeah, well _fun and funner_ down there were just going over the finer details of the peace talks... Trust me, you're missing barrels and barrels of coma inducing statistics. Not to mention the latest in political scandals – you should hear some of the rumors."

"**_That's enough!"_** Squall growled a little louder than he had intended.

"Sorry," the martial artist meekly answered, not sure why the sudden change. Then it hit him, his choice of words, of course. Maybe it was better that he didn't try to talk to the commander on this mission; it was obvious he was going to be in a volatile mood the entire time. Still, Zell felt guilty for the comment about being 'coma inducing,' another memory best left forgotten to times of the past. Not to mention his remark of _political scandals and rumors_, Zell quickly realized that he should have thought his words through a little more.

The martial artist shook his head wondering if there was possibly anything that would ever make this situation right. Not that his friend had been this way for long, just lately everything had set him off, well, ever since Selphie and Irvine's wedding, he guessed. Though it didn't take a rocket scientist to know where the underlying problem laid. Zell started to walk down the stairs, and then as if a Stop spell had been cast on him, he froze. Finally, he went against better judgment turning abruptly. Maybe the blond would regret this, maybe it would get him nowhere, but one thing he did know, is nothing was ever going to be solved if things continued along these self-destructive lines.

"Squall, we all wish she hadn't left. If something is meant to be, it will always find a way."

The commander was taken aback; maybe he wasn't expecting his comrade to make a statement as direct at the moment, or ever. Then again, maybe part of him was grateful someone at least still noticed - though Squall would never say the thoughts that honestly lingered on his mind. Somehow he figured Zell already knew the truth about the 'why she had left,' maybe more than he wanted to admit.

"What are you going to say now, Zell? What ever doesn't kill us makes us stronger?"

That was laughable in Squall's mind. Maybe they could stand there and toss a few more clichés into the air, that's what he needed. After his moment of initial shock and slight anger, the commander bit back further comments; Squall knew that his friend was only trying to help. Hell, maybe he really did need to say something to somebody – he didn't know anything anymore. Nothing had ever made sense in his life, so why should it start now? So going against everything he had ever believed, the values that he coveted, the commander relied on talking to someone else... well beside _her_.

"I just want someone to understand it was never her fault," Squall's voice carried well over the waves that were metrically crashing against the hull.

"Huh... what?" The martial artist questioned before the realization dawned on him. Squall was actually talking... about Rinoa. Even by this small move Zell could still see the sorceress' influence on her knight's actions; six years ago he would be damned if he had a conversation like this with another living soul.

"None of us really understood..." carefully stated Zell, hoping his response wouldn't upset the commander. He took that moment to walk toward the railing, carefully leaning his weight against it. Unlike Squall, he found an innate fascination with the sunrise, finding it easier to place his focus on something colorful and full of vibrant beauty. "I guess none of us really know what happened. Why it happened..."

"Why didn't you ask?" The commander stated firmly, finally finding the will to confront someone, or maybe his inner demons, about the situation. Nobody had ever asked him... not Quistis, not Zell, and sure has hell not Lauren.

"I guess... all of us just figured you would tell us when you were ready. We wanted to allow you and Rinoa your privacy. This wasn't about us... it never was, but that doesn't mean we weren't hurt or affected by it too."

"So you never bought into the popular theories?"

"Squall... I, I know Rinoa... I know she wouldn't leave at a time when you desperately needed her the most. Rumors are rumors - that never changed how we looked at either one of you."

"_Desperately needed her the most"-_ those words too were almost laughable. If Zell had only known the truth, maybe he would be throwing him overboard instead of trying to carry on a civilized conversation.

It had been several minutes, in fact, enough time had elapsed to where it was visibly dawn and only a hint of the evening covered the western sky. Each second that ticked into nothingness was met with verbal silence, only the sounds of the manmade vessel and the ocean were audible.

It would have been easy for the commander to run, to walk away, to leave the deck and go below. _Hide._ But in all honestly, it had been too long... in his mind and his own conscience. Rinoa knew more than any of his friends what type of person he really was, or at least the failure that he would allow himself to admit. The fact that everyone else, apart from Cid and Rinoa, were clueless about the type of person he had allowed himself to become... Why he waged between a personal and an actual, physical war – and why he realized he had been a failure in both. It was far easier just to cover his fatal mistakes with a few well placed words on a document. Sometimes he didn't know where the fantasies ended and the realities began. He was oblivious as to some of the lines - where _and when_ the lies actually had become the truth.

"I killed them." He said without further explanation. Squall didn't want to state his reasoning, but now that he had let the words out, he knew there was no way of rescinding them.

"What are you talking about Squall?" Zell was lost. One minute he thought they were talking about Rinoa, and then soon after, his friend was speaking about another matter all together. Though even he realized there had to be a correlation between the two subjects, if not the commander's confession would not have held relevance.

"I did it. I killed them... the cadets..."

"Squall you weren't responsible, the radio malfunctioned. What about the others you helped during the mission? Your actions in Esthar saved civilian lives."

"It's not about who I _helped_, it's about who I failed. Those cadets wouldn't have needed saving if I hadn't... if I hadn't... they just should have never been put into that position. It **_was _**my fault. I compromised everything."

"Hell man, I know you, you're not going to move positions if it wasn't what you were ordered."

"No Zell, it _wasn't _what I was ordered... it's only what I heard..."

"The radio malfunctioned; you only received part of the transmission."

"Damn it, the radio _never_ malfunctioned. I didn't hear it right, because... at that moment I wasn't- I don't know who the hell I was..." His voice cracked underneath the wind and the emotion threatening to surface. "I've never done that before... I've never..."

"No Squall you haven't, and you're a damn good SeeD... and an even better person."

"You don't know me, you don't know a damn thing about me if you think that!" he growled angrily, taking a step towards the martial artist. "Maybe Rinoa didn't either... and she couldn't handle what she saw. What she heard me say."

"Squall everybody makes mistakes and-"

"You know, **_this_** was a fucking mistake. Just forget I said a damn thing." The commander turned, closing his eyes for just a moment. Everything was spinning and he had to calm himself before he allowed this to swallow what sanity remained. He was on a mission now, and he wasn't going to fail two missions over the same mistake. That would be the last he would ever speak of this, he just couldn't. He never looked back as he walked down the stairs and into the life that he had created for himself. A SeeD.

* * *

"How's Fisherman's Horizon this morning. Any run-ins with Dobe?" asked Rinoa playfully. Leaning down to open the bottom desk drawer, she tried to keep the phone close to her ear, though most of her attempts were futile, the handset seemed to have a mind of its own.

"_Hah, no, luckily the mayor is at the peace talks in Dollet, but unfortunately Flo is still there."_

"Play nice with the locals Zone... just try to avoid direct eye contact with her. She can turn you to stone you know," laughed the young sorceress trying to straighten out the phone cord she had inadvertently tangled.

"_I take it you've had experience."_

"Something like that." Rinoa winced, hoping against hope that Zone would not ask her to elaborate on the subject.

"_Then I shall heed your advice oh wise one."_

Thank the gods for small favors. But she guessed he may have known better, either that or he really did call for a reason. Then again, when was the last time Zone called for an 'actual' reason besides checking up on her?

Zone and Watts... they truly did think of her as a princess, one to coddle and worry about, often to a point of annoyance. Still they were the only two constants in her life, well beside the furry canine lying 'splot-o' on her custom designed doggie bed.

"Don't ever forget that, Zone. So is there a real reason you called? Or was it just to annoy the heck out of me as per the norm, since you can't do it in person."

"_See, now you know I can annoy from afar... It's a gift, it's a talent."_

"It's annoying!" added Rinoa still playing around with him.

"_I know, but that is why you love me. That and I get you that special blend of coffee you love so much."_

"All right, all right... only because I **do **love the darn coffee... So I suppose I'll have to concede on the rest. Still, since you are not here to hold said coffee beans hostage, I'll ask you again, is there a reason you called?" She laughed - for whatever normalcy Zone brought her day, she would always be eternally grateful.

"_Actually, yes, I do have a real reason great and all-knowing one. I was wondering if you could pull up the proposed budget file... I swear I had a copy of it, but I've gone through my briefcase and can't find it to save me. I'm meeting back with the train commissioner after the lunch break and need those finalized figures. Could you possibly look it up for me... please?"_

"You know I can't turn you down when you beg," she chuckled, closing out the window that was on the computer. "It's under the train commission prospects folder, right?"

"_Yes, and please make a note on the document that I will never forgive Watts_ _for making me do this. You know what it is like to be trapped in a room with Flo for three hours? He **so** owes me after this."_

"Well, you are military, think of this as a mission maintaining stable relationships with FH and Esthar."

"_Oh yes, lest we fight against the world renowned army of Fisherman Horizon's... Oh that's right Rin, they don't have one... unless it is made of catfish, tuna and albacore. What do train tracks and Timber's Chief Military officer have in common?"_

"Well for one, I worry about the stability of either of you... you both seem to have a few lose screws. Plus I don't want to even bring up the ironic fact that we rather lack a decent army ourselves."

"_Hey, I take offence to that!"_

"I knew you would, why would I say it if not? What fun would that be? Not to mention that I believe that tuna and albacore are virtually the same thing, you should have gone with something more unique like an army of killer shrimp." Rinoa laughed, Zone was rather predicable at times, though she found comfort in that fact.

"_Shrimp... yes that sounds about like something you'd say. And when they wield their little shrimp machetes don't come crying to me to save you."_

"You know, I'm kidding dear, just kidding... I've learned not to depend on anyone to save me anymore." She really hadn't meant to say that, it just slipped. "Zone, I honestly believe you've done a wonderful job. And I did find your file, let me forward a copy of the report to your email." She typed in the address glad for moments like this that got her through. Though she couldn't help but jokingly adding under her breath, "Just don't tell me there are any enemy sandwiches in the area."

"_What was that last thing, Rin? I couldn't hear you."_

"Oh nothing, I was just... mumbling to myself. Bad habit, I know." She waved off the comment with her free hand, more out of habit than anything. Of course he couldn't see the gesture, but still she found herself doing it anyway. "All right, the file should be in your mailbox within a few seconds, if not let me know."

"_Thanks a bunch Rinoa, you're a lifesaver."_

"Um... yes, I do have the astonishing ability to open a file on the server and hit the send button; but either way, I thank your undying vote of confidence. Need anything else before I go?"

"_Yes, let me take you out to dinner tonight... Please, you have to get yourself out of there. Plus I'll be returning on a commuter train... no meal service! Though maybe if I'm good enough, I can talk them into adding that into next year's budget. Maybe a gourmet dining car."_

"That's so you... always thinking about food." She laughed, before regaining an apologetic tone. "But as far as dinner tonight goes, I'm sorry, I just can't."

"_Rinoa you have to learn to live again... this isn't you." _Zone took the silence on the other end as a cue to continue. "_You have to move on at some point... I'm not asking for anything more than a dinner. To go out with a friend and just have fun. You know, fun right? Not to mention it's a free steak... and I know how much you love that. I promise no armies of seafood."_

She sighed looking at the paperwork piled on her desk; though it brought her no comfort either. Squall had moved on, she knew this... it wasn't as if Zone was asking for anything more than a dinner, as friends. And she couldn't deny that at least going out on a non-business occasion had its appeal. Plus maybe Zone would have a slightly larger vocabulary than Angelo, then again, she doubted she would find anymore solace in the human company – she honestly believed that Angelo understood her more than anyone over the last few years.

"_Baby steps,"_ she inwardly reminded herself before swallowing what pride she felt remained. "Fine, but there better be steak... good steak."

"_The best for you princess, always. Anything else I can do to help before I rejoin the land of boring, bureaucratic hell?"_

"Yeah, think 'cordless phone' for my birthday."


	4. Melodies of You, Yesterday's Memories, and Defining the Lines

_ **Chapter Ten: Melodies of You ** _

It never changed. Over the years the place appeared to remain stagnate while the world around him seemed to move by in a sudden blur. Dollet was always... _Dollet_. The same place he had undergone his SeeD exam, the same place he would return to later on, a little worse for wear, a place that for the most part held memories – the ones least associated with her. That was, if all his memories did not connect like a gigantic puzzle in his mind. Still Dollet was the best possible place the Council could hold their peace summit. It was the place where his feelings were the most impartial, at least as impartial as any place could be in Squall's mind. With the possible exception of the Shumi Village, but seeing a life-size granite statue of his father was not exactly on his list of top priorities either.

Then again, his fondest memory involving Dollet was nothing to be dismissed; it had become a classic joke among his circle of friends, even to this day. It was an incident that would go down in Garden's history and folklore, though three young women would have rather had it remain buried deeper than the Deep Sea Research Center.

Still through everything, Squall couldn't help but glance over toward the Dollet Police Department without a small smile creeping onto his lips. As much as he had tried to repress, some things just would not be buried and some times were too amusing to dismiss, even after the passage of so much time. Even now he could remember how furious he'd been when he first slammed through the precinct's doors. The anger eventually ebbed as Irvine and Zell's humorous take helped quell the situation greatly; even Squall had to admit that after a while he couldn't deny the offhanded humor... some moments could never be forgotten.

* * *

_Squall found himself relying on all his training just to get through the conversation without breaking into uncharacteristic laughter. There was a humor here that even the commander couldn't ignore. Still the idea of putting the girls, especially Rinoa, through this torture was just too appealing. All three women were currently residing in a small holding cell, but he found his gaze transfixed on only one of its inhabitants. Rinoa was sitting on the bench, knees tucked to her chest and arms protectively encircling her legs. She rocked gently back and forth in a useless attempt to calm tattered nerves. _

"_Rinoa Heartilly..." Squall's voice reverberated on the concrete walls, sounding louder than he had intended. _

_Her body jumped at the sound of his stern tone and she meekly looked up, before quickly returning her gaze downward. He was going to enjoy this - probably a little more than he was willing to admit. It wasn't as if a chance like this presented itself every day. He was damn well sure he was going to make the most of it. _

_Squall never diverted his eyes from her as he spoke to the guard standing next to him. "Officer, can you please state for me again the allegations that Miss Heartilly and her accomplices have been charged with?"_

"_Prostitution, solicitation, and indecent exposure." _

"_Quistis was meeting a contact!" Rinoa tried to explain rather loudly, looking up from her almost fetal-like position at that moment. She pointed across the cell to the other bench, using her hands for emphasis. "**Quistis. Meeting. Contact!" **Rinoa threw her arms up in exasperation. The other two girls exchanged a glance as, unbeknownst to Rinoa, they had seen their commander give them a slight smirk and a low wave of his hand as if dismissing the issue. Quistis and Selphie both had taken that signal as an indication he wasn't as upset as he was letting on. It was rather rare to see Squall in a 'playful' mood (by Squall's definition of playful), especially under the current circumstances, so the two girls let Rinoa try to explain, even if her explanations were going rather badly. _

"_Squall, the undercover office just... misunderstood! We weren't soliciting... no way! Gah... Oh just forget it!" _

_The commander reached in his right breast pocket producing a police report. Moving his index finger down, he found a certain line and read the text out loud, "Are you looking for something? My friends and I have exactly what you've been looking for." He raised an eyebrow reading verbatim. "What exactly **did** the three of you have, Rinoa?"_

"_Damn it, first of all, my exact words were we '**may have'** what you've been looking for! As in information... Say it with me: in-for-ma-tion... not as in... you know! Squall, how could you even think that I - would! ...ahhh!" _

_She groaned realizing she'd been yelling the last words. Taking a deep breath, she inhaled sharply trying to calm herself. "See 'Commander Leonhart', the arresting officer didn't even have his facts right. How can you believe anything you read in that report?"_

_Squall looked up rather impassively, "So Rinoa Heartilly, are you officially denying that you said 'I need to show you something. I promise it will be worth your while."_

"_Yes, fine I did say that! I did, but I wasn't talking about **that**... I had the fax Garden intercepted from Deling in my-" Rinoa let out a growl in aggravation, anything she said would be just digging the hole deeper – way deeper. She finally stood up for the first time, walking slowly to the bars, still careful to avoid his direct gaze. _

"_Fine... Looking back on it now, keeping the fax tucked in my bra, may have been an unwise decision, but I didn't have pockets!"_

_He paused a moment carefully scrutinizing her attire. "Well, that fact is rather apparent to just about everybody. I'm starting to see how the indecent exposure charge came about. Leather pants Rinoa, isn't that more my department?"_

"_Oh forget it! To begin with, it was Quistis who got it wrong in the first place." Rinoa folded her arms over her chest feeling rather self-conscious about her attire. "Second of all, I was just reaching for the stupid fax, not at all what that officer thought! We had to blend with the crowd that hangs out down there on the docks... and just dressed the part. Not to mention these pants belong to Selphie! And before you even ask, I don't know why she has them, and I don't think I even want to know... So there!"_

"_So did they cuff you?" He smirked trying to keep his professional demeanor intact and failing greatly. _

"_I don't have to answer that, on grounds that I might incriminate myself."_

_Rinoa shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to another. She turned slightly, catching the small glint in his eyes, and the half-smirk that still remained on his lips._

"_Pervert," she quipped under her breath. _

_Squall suppressed a small laugh knowing that he had to remain somewhat professional in the situation. If for no other reason then the Dollet police officer standing a few meters away._

"_Sir," Squall turned facing the other man, "Are they free to leave?"_

"_Yes, we'll still need to get written verification from Balamb_ _Garden_ _\- so we need them to stay in town for the time being. But for now, they're being released on their own recognizance. I'll just need you to fill out a few more papers at the front desk."_

_Rinoa remained abnormally quiet while the group was forced to find overnight accommodations in Dollet. It had been the original plan to take a late night train back to Balamb, now they had no other choice but to remain. Normally, Rinoa would have been thrilled to have this time away from Garden with Squall. Though she couldn't fight the horrible realization there was no way for this little episode to remain under wraps, and somehow it would be tomorrow's hot gossip._

_Once they reached the hotel room they would be sharing, Squall tossed his jacket over a nearby chair. He watched silently as Rinoa flung herself on the bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. _

"_Well, this is a day I'm never going to forget, though I'd really like to."_

"_Me either," he commented reaching into his shirt pocket. "Then again, it would be hard for me to forget when I have such a memorable souvenir." _

"_What?" she questioned scurrying upright on the bed. That is when she saw it in his hands, a Polaroid sized snapshot taken during her booking. A night she would rather have completely erased, he now carried around photographic proof. Jumping up, she ran over to him grabbing desperately for the photo. "Give me that! I can't believe you actually got a copy... how could you?"_

_He purposely held it just above her reach and smiled down at her. "Easily, ask the sergeant at the front desk and slip him fifty Gil... Hell, I would have paid ten times that amount. Actually, I was thinking about buying a small frame for it."_

"_You... you are a meanie!"_

"_Ooh there is that prison talk I love so much..." _

"_You're never going to let me forgot this, are you?"_

"_No, probably not." He smiled at her knowingly. There were some moments neither of them would ever forget, and this misadventure rated among the top of their list._

"_Hey Rin."_

"_Yeah... what?" she mumbled resentfully. _

"_For the record, I really like the pants."_

"_You're a pervert Leonhart."_

_He rubbed the back of his neck as his humor fell, and rather nervously looked down toward the floor. His anger over the mistake had long subsided, it was a 'simple' misunderstanding after all, but there was something about the situation that still troubled him. He hesitated before asking, maybe he didn't want to hear the answer – or maybe in the back of his mind he already knew._

"_Rinoa, I do need to ask you a serious question about tonight... Why were you with Quistis and Selphie in the first place? I understand it was supposed to be a routine assignment, but still, it was a Garden matter. One minute you act like you want nothing to do with being given orders, the next you are on an undercover mission. What do you really want?"_

_She paused for a long moment trying to find the words. "I guess in a way I just wanted to help someone. I just... I guess sometimes I feel that all I am at Garden is in the way. I'm just there because I'm your girlfriend – one who helps with the filing now and then. And no, I'll never regret that I'm not a student or a SeeD. I made that decision and I'll never regret it. I can't live under anybody's orders anymore – I've done enough of that in my lifetime."_

_She sat on the bed looking down. Nervously she swung her feet back and forth before looking at him again. "I just want a chance to be helpful, to someone... to anyone. And you see where that got me. I used to feel like I was helping people back in Timber, now... I just feel... worthless."_

* * *

The commander walked out of the building glad to have slipped away from the Peace Summit. Time had a way of passing no matter how much anyone wished it back. The mayor and his gaggle of advisors were inside with the rest of the political riff-raff, talking about God only knew what; he was much happier on the outside looking in. Squall could see the rays of sun forming their own unique patterns, each beating down on the hot pavement. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he produced a pair of sunglasses placing them on almost effortlessly. He looked down to his wristwatch noticing it was only about half past twelve, they had been inside for only two hours, yet it felt like a damned eternity.

He unconsciously found himself scanning the crowds for her. He knew Rinoa would not be in Dollet; then the more inquisitive side of him wondered why she wasn't. Was it her choice to avoid another possible confrontation or was it just the work of the fates again? Sometimes he would see long, dark hair in the crowd and for the briefest of moments the sight would get his hopes up. Then again, how truly deranged was that? Sometimes he feared for his own sanity, other times he knew it was too clairvoyant.

"So man, want to go get something to eat?"

"That's what one usually does on their lunch hour," Squall answered noncommittally adjusting his glasses. He was glad for the break to do anything beside be in that stuffy building. His view of politicians never wavered, though his views on life seemed to differ greatly. Maybe the people inside were the lucky ones - they were caught in a world of pretenses, and most of them accepted their place, most even welcomed it.

Over the years, Squall had learned to appreciate the company of Zell, his enthusiasm and zest for life. Again, not that Squall would outright admit this fact to anyone, let alone the martial artist. He did have a reputation to maintain and all.

"So commander, what do you feel like eating?"

"Food."

"Did anyone ever tell you what a pain in the ass you can be?"

"Constantly."

The former knight was seriously hoping that his friend would take the hint: he was in no mood to carry on a conversation. But again that would be asking a near miracle, and Squall Leonhart was not a religious man.

"Commander Leonhart! Zell!"

The voice brought Squall back to his surroundings. It took a second for him to recognize, but it was one he had known well years ago - one Rinoa still heard every day.

"Watts man, how you doing?" The martial artist energetically asked. For him it seemed that the years had passed without incident. But really what did Zell have to be ashamed about? Absolutely nothing. He had not abandoned anybody, blamed anybody, or done anything else that he would regret. Still, Squall felt uneasy around one of Rinoa's friends, but at least it was Watts - Zone had never liked him, which had never been a secret.

Zone's feelings were apparent from the first day aboard the Forest Owl's base and just about every time they met after that. Since the first mission Zone had shown animosity toward the young SeeD, but Squall was no better. The only thing that separated them back then were their motives - Squall on duty and contract, Zone on loyalty and reason. Rinoa had been right, maybe Squall could never understand or believe in the cause they were fighting for, he was just a hired mercenary.

It was only after time had passed could he understand Rinoa's passion, her desire for Timber. Even to a point where he would almost find himself jealous, though that really did not seem the appropriate word. Still, he felt an overpowering desire to carry the passion and love that Rinoa showed, whether for him or for a town full of strangers, she would always give all she had, and usually more. The commander always believed the unspoken dislike between himself and Zone went beyond Timber, it had something to do with the 'Princess' herself.

On the other hand, looking at Watts was almost looking at a life that he could never understand, one he had never wanted, or at least, never thought he wanted. The same man who gracelessly chased trains like an errant dog was now a married father of two and remained an extremely important part of Timber's economy. In a million years, Squall would not believe that he would feel a pang of jealously towards this man, though he wasn't positive where it was directed at – being stable or on the sheer notion that he saw Rinoa on a daily basis.

"Um... Squall?"

The commander looked around staring blankly at Zell. There were some times that one could look upon irony with an innate understanding, and then there were sometimes when you cursed its existence.

"It's wonderful to see you again," Squall internally grimaced hearing his own words; apparently his abhorrence of politics didn't mean that he was beneath using their tactics. "I hope everything in your life is going well. I'm sure Timber is extremely sound these days."

"Timber's doing great! Honestly, there is just so much work back home. I'm not sure how I even ended up here, but somehow I got elected to attend this darn thing. Though, I guess I'm better off than Zone, he's in FH dealing with the Dobes."

"Man you are the lucky one," Zell grimaced thinking back to his own encounters with the mayor and his pacifist wife. "Flo really creeps me out... anybody who serves tofu hotdogs needs professional help."

"I hope everyone in Timber is doing just as well," stated Squall trying not to seem too obvious in his meaning. He really did not know why he asked, but some part of him just worried about her, even after all this time.

"Yeah," Watts scratched the back of his head looking around with slight apprehension. "Wife and kids are doing great... we're actually thinking about having another. Zone is well, Zone though I think he is a little upset about the FH ordeal... Rinoa is..." He paused wondering how he should answer. Sure she was doing 'fine' to everyone around her, but he knew different. Then again, the last person in the world she would want to know the truth was the man asking about her now. "Rinoa is doing fine... a little tired from work, I think. She just needs to get out more, but you know how stubborn she can be. She'll make it through it just fine."

"Sounds familiar," Zell coughed into his hand.

Squall shot the martial artist a deadly glare, although it was hidden behind the darkness of his tinted frames. Still, Zell could sense it as he tried to smile his way out of it. "Cid I meant, Cid."

The commander had to end this now. He could not stand here and talk to someone from Rinoa's life, no matter how rude he would appear.

"It was nice seeing you again Watts. We were just heading to a meeting and I really don't want to be late."

"Oh, no problem, you two take care. Maybe I'll see you around in the next few days... go out and get a beer or something."

"_Like hell,"_ Squall thought, but left that comment to himself. "See you around." The commander nodded toward the other man as he walked away. He could hear Zell say a few more things to him, but kept walking forward without looking back. He could then hear the sound of the martial artist running to catch up.

"Meeting Squall? With what - a hotdog?"

"You don't eat meat anymore," Squall growled. "Why do you have to still bring up the damn things?"

"Hard habit to break, I guess. They were a part of my life for so long, I still think about them often, probably more than I should... Maybe I gave up eating meat for the wrong reasons, and one of these days I'll find the courage to admit that I miss them."

"That is a load of bullshit! You gave hotdogs up because you fell in love... and made a choice. And from what I can see, you're pretty damn happy." Squall had stopped moving trying to control his anger. "I hate it when you hide most of your advice about _my life_ under some crap about meat... If you have something to say to me, then just say it. Don't hide it under that shit."

"Fine," Zell shot back surprised at how angry the commander had become. He was tired too of watching Squall just live from day to day. The only goal his comrade had anymore was to make Headmaster, and work took up much of his free time. "Squall, I think you're too stubborn for your own good sometimes. And until you face the fact that you're not happy about how you and Rinoa turned out, things aren't going to change. So either learn to deal with it, or get on a train to Timber and stop moping about your damn mistakes. Anything can be fixed if you want to mend it bad enough."

"Rinoa and I _can't_ be fixed – and that is final," Squall roared threateningly. "Now enough about this, you're still under my command and this isn't how you act toward a superior."

"Whatever you say _Commander Leonhart_. Just don't tell me to say something if you really don't want to-"

A sudden thunderous noise echoed out startling both men. At that moment all trained instincts kicked in and the argument was forgotten. The sun's rays obscured much of Squall's vision as he tried to scan the crowd. The commander started to quickly move toward cover, while reaching for the weapon that was in his holster. He tried to search the rooftops unsure exactly what he was looking for, but it was the adrenaline coursing through his system driving him.

He felt a hand fall past his shoulder as if it were trying to grasp his shirt. He broke his line of sight to where he thought the sound originated and looked behind him for the first time. That is when he saw Zell on his knees with blood staining his clothes. Never once had it occurred to him that the target would have been one of them. He tried not to panic, though as much as he tried to remain calm there was a growing fear inside of him.

"God Zell, where are you hit?" He tried to help his friend move behind a barrier, nearly dragging him.

"Just my shoulder," Zell winced. "I'll be fine, but don't think I can fight."

"Stay down," Squall ordered looking around. Everything had happened in a cloud of uncertainty, a few split seconds that neither of them would ever forget. He tried to ignore the screams from the pedestrians also desperately running for cover. To his right the commander heard what sounded like a stack of barrels falling to the ground. Squall glanced over to see that indeed someone had knocked them down in their haste. It was only because of this that he had never heard the other deafening shot echoing past the water's edge.

Squall never even heard the sound of the second bullet connect with his own flesh.

His SeeD uniform was dark blue and easily disguised the crimson stains. But more than the sight of the blood itself, it was the pungent smell that was undeniable. Squall felt himself trying to not become violently ill as the odor overpowered his senses. It was all the commander could smell, could taste. He reached down trying to remove the jacket as he suddenly felt like he was going to explode with a sudden fever. First he was unbearable warm and then it felt as if winter's volatile hold grabbed his senses, until finally he shuttered feeling the unrelenting cold. He fell to the ground before he could even register what had happened.

Zell moved over helping him remove the coat off with his good arm. The martial artist noticed the red hues had already spread violently through the thin white cotton of the commander's undershirt. Zell ripped open his shirt trying to hide his fear when he saw the blood spilling from his friend's chest. Whoever was aiming the weapon had made a direct hit.

"God no," Squall managed as that fear he had repressed so long flooded all reasoning. He tried to mask the panic in his own eyes as he looked at the martial artist who carried an equally apprehensive glare.

In that second a thousand thoughts raced through Squall's mind like a wildfire. With that one bullet, everything around him would change forever.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Eleven: Yesterday's Memories ** _

It wasn't that Squall Leonhart feared death anymore, only the moment that it became a reality. Maybe he felt there was so much left unfinished, this wasn't the life he was destined to live; for that reason this was not the death he was supposed to endure. Maybe death was supposed to occur in battle, maybe within the solitude of the years, but never by the cowardice of an unnamed, faceless assassin. That is what made this much more bitter - it was all the what could-have-beens, should-have-beens, those demons he lived with every day.

But this was how his future was written, and this was how it would end.

Though ironically, in some twisted fate, this was the death he deserved - cowardice, sudden, and most importantly, without a resolution. If he could just resign himself to those facts, maybe he would see the beautiful tragedy of his mortality.

"Squall, damn it look at me!"

The commander heard the words in his head... at most it was echoed sound void of meaning. He had to regain focus, if not for his own will, but for duty bound obligations towards his friends.

His friends…

Maybe he wasn't as alone as he had first believed; then someone should explain this empty cancer spreading throughout his body? Squall at least had to convince himself that his comrade was safe. Maybe Zell had been hit again, or maybe he had been hiding the full extent of the initial injury. God knew Squall would, if the places had been reversed..

The commander vividly recalled witnessing the bullet's damage. He could recall the seemingly endless blood flowing from Zell's wound. Had there really been that much blood or was it his mind trying to fill in an empty canvas? The commander wasn't positive what was real and what had been stored memories to other's pain. They were not his friends, they were nameless, faceless numbers – ironic giving the situation. He had been responsible for so much more than this; now the bloodstains on his clothes represented a piece of his own victim's mortality. His vision grew faint and reality was growing hazier with each moment that passed. But he could remember the blood covering him, covering Zell...

Squall Leonhart could never forget the blood. Ever.

"Zell you were hit..." he managed to rasp out, trying forcefully to deny the pain that was slowly numbing his mind and senses. "Zell... you're..."

"Yeah, I'll be fine," his friend interrupted, not out of rudeness, but with the urgency to tell him. Zell knew he had already told the commander this, but somehow Squall needed reassurance under the circumstances. The martial artist understood that his friend needed to know that he would be all right, that was just the type of person he was. The need wasn't as Balamb's Commander, or Zell's superior, but born only from the concern of a friendship that the martial artist valued like a cherished possession.

Zell, tried to smile through his fear. "It's just my shoulder, going hurt like a son of a bitch tomorrow man, but I'll manage."

"Yeah... I'm sure... you always do," Squall tried to laugh, though he found himself drowning in the taste of blood. Everything around him was growing more surreal. His eyes lost focus as the scene around him swirled in a heavenly glow. The bitter liquid was the only thing he could smell or taste, it overpowered his senses; the former knight felt like he was drowning beneath the metallic stench.

Squall Leonhart had felt lost desperateness only once before - the paralleled memories surfaced like a torrent storm surge. Time compression. Both were a state of confusion, a fleeting mental awareness that would soon escape him. Only this time, it was accompanied by the sharp sting of the bullet's unremitting grasp.

He had done a thousand things wrong in his life and each and every one seemed to magnify tenfold in his eyes. He could see them all, the pain, the suffering, the death, all the heartache he had caused, rather than endured.

"Tell her goodbye for me..."

There was no need for explanation, Zell knew exactly who he was talking about. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, this isn't how his friend's story was supposed to end. And he sure as hell wasn't going to let his commander, his friend, talk like this.

"No way man... you know how she gets. You're not-" Zell lost all composure letting his emotional barricade crumble to dust. He held his hand over Squall's wounds applying pressure. He ignored the blood flowing from his own wound; it was all a makeshift triage, where the doctor and the patient were one and the same.

"Squall, listen to me... I mean it. Damn it! You're _**not **_going to tell her goodbye, I'm _**not **_going to tell her goodbye for you... I won't. It's _**not**_ goodbye!"

Zell continued, in vain, to cover Squall's seeping wound. The thick liquid began to pool within the crevices of his own fingers. Zell himself was feeling lightheaded, he didn't know if it was the blood loss from his arm, or the fear of losing his friend that kept him lucid. Whatever it was, it was a drive stemming from the fear of uncertainty.

Squall found himself lost in an ocean of memories, he couldn't tell what was what anymore; he could barely remember where he was. Hell, if you asked him what his name was - he couldn't be one hundred percent sure of that either. The only thing he knew was what he was leaving behind... the figure he saw when he closed his eyes, the memories and feelings he still harbored. Those were the memories that were the clearest, those where the ones he would hold onto until the final breath escaped his lungs. Maybe for one second he thought he wasn't alone, because as long as he held the memories, she would be there.

"Stay with me, Squall! Help will be here soon!"

The commander vaguely heard the voice register... he knew its familiarity, closeness. At the same time it sounded like a far off echo, almost unworldly. Was the voice in a far off room, or was he just dreaming? He couldn't remember. He couldn't hear anything anymore. Maybe that was good. He couldn't think for the life of him what he would want to hear right now. Who was he again?

Somehow he didn't matter, because there were strong feelings still there. Pictures, memories. Her. He wasn't alone... he had her

"Damn it listen to me, Squall!"

God that faint voice annoying, he just wanted to sleep. He felt that if he could just sleep, everything would seem right – he felt as if he would belong somewhere. But somehow this damned echoing voice kept him from his dreams... why the hell didn't it just shut up?

The voice made him think, he didn't want to think. Was it male, female... human? Was it her? The one he was vaguely picturing. Rinoa. That was the name. No, it wasn't her. She wasn't there, where was she? Somehow he didn't feel right, she should be here...

"Where's Rin...?" Squall tried to manage. Through the moment of clarity, he was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

"Squall... she's not..."

He knew that didn't sound right, it didn't _feel_ right. She had to be. God she had to be... he forced his eyes open, even if it was the last thing he would will himself to do. He looked up to his comrade, his friend, and realized... she really wasn't there. It all came back for a moment, and he wished to God it hadn't. But this was his last chance, and something inside of him knew that. Maybe he had been a coward before, hell, for most of his life, at least when it came to anything personal. The mask he wore in battle was far from the façade he wore in life.

If the fallen knight had to choke out the words drowning beneath his own blood - he would. Maybe it was more for his own shattered delusions than anything. Maybe in his last few moments he was still being the selfish bastard he had come to believe he was; he closed his eyes willing the right words to come.

In those final moments, he always believed that he would see a barrage of images flooding his mind, see everything from his life pass before his eyes - a kaleidoscope of memories. But there was nothing, no images, no family moments in his mind, nothing but a lifetime of regret and a feeling that took more life from him than any manmade bullet could steal.

"Tell her... I love her... I'm..." he gasped. His eyelids fluttered shut, fighting against the darkness he was desperately losing to. "Her... goodbye."

* * *

Outside a light mist of rain blanketed the evening sky, inside it was warm and inviting, but Rinoa could still feel a chill running through her veins. The bistro was quaint, with red and white traditional checkered table clothes. Real fabric she had noted, not the vinyl covered imitations used in a lot of restaurants. Under the right circumstances this place could be considered romantic, but 'these' were not those circumstances, and she just thought of it as nuisance. It wasn't as if the company she had was unbearable, in fact Zone could be quite endearing. It was just she had rather be home, or at the office, or anywhere that didn't include polite conversation.

Rinoa had dreaded going since her call at lunch. Honestly, her anxiety was rather unfounded. She had every right, she was going with her best friend, and most of all - it was a much deserved break from work. Still, she found the task daunting and looked at it as such – a task. Nothing more, nothing less. A few hours earlier she had contemplated this evening so much, that it actually made her physically ill. She hadn't felt well the last few hours, in fact, downright awful. She even had to lie down momentarily, as her body and will felt completely drained. Barely making it over to her sofa before she collapsed, she had to shoo Angelo down - the canine begrudgingly yielded her spot.

The young sorceress must have fallen asleep, as she woke up about an hour later feeling rather refreshed. She chalked the whole incident up to nerves, again nerves about what she didn't comprehend. Finally she went back to her desk, trying to remember exactly where she had left off – basically anything to take her mind away from her life at the moment. It hadn't been more than another thirty minutes when Zone arrived from the train station, and as promised, forced her to go out for late dinner.

Not even bothering to change from her work clothes, she left with him; it was just a simple dinner after all – not a date. While she wasn't dressed up, the young woman still fit in perfectly with the semi-casual atmosphere. Walking into the restaurant, all she could think was how out of place she felt anymore. Rinoa Heartilly used to be one who rarely felt that way, even in the most uncomfortable situations.

So tonight she had made the resolve to smile and joke, to laugh and tease. To any bystander she was that young teenager with a carefree spirit. Yet the stark reality was, under the layers she was lost within herself, especially tonight. Even now she found herself absorbed in her own thoughts and was trying to desperately regain her balance.

She noticed that Zone was giving her a blank stare, which did not surprise her. She hadn't been the greatest company tonight and he was trying so hard. She forced a smile and reached for her glass of wine. At least the food and drink had been excellent; she could definitely give him credit on his choice in restaurants. Just as she set her glass back to the table a loud hollow 'pop' filled the room. While most of the other patrons ignored, or merely glanced, at the sound of a Champagne bottle being uncorked, Rinoa nearly jumped from her seat. For a second, all she could hear was the sound of gunfire. She had to convince herself that the sound was nothing beyond a bottle of alcohol.

"A little tense there, aren't we?" Zone laughed at his companion's harsh reaction. He placed his hand on her wrist as reassurance. "This night is supposed to be fun and relaxing… you look neither like the definition of fun or relaxed."

"It just sounded… for a second I just thought-"

Rinoa feigned a tiny smile as her heartbeat continued racing through her chest cavity. It was just a damn cork; she should just dismiss it as such. Yet somehow, her mind lingered on the sound just a little too long; she couldn't shake a ghastly sensation. Her hand inadvertently clutched the material of her blouse, nearly ripping the seam from the fabric. As she realized what she was doing, she relaxed her fingers - again trying to regain control in a situation that had been forgotten by time. For a moment, her mind could have sworn she was in the midst of a battlefield. She felt an overwhelming sensation of being lost and confused. But she wasn't fighting a war; she was sitting in Timber looking at the remains of her spaghetti dinner.

She could see the concern in Zone's eyes. Here he had tried so hard, and she was doing what she normally did. Somehow she managed to ruin every situation with little or no effort involved.

"All right Zone, you found out the truth… I have a horrible phobia of Champagne bottles."

"Rin, sweetie, you don't have to do this. You don't owe me any explanations. I know the hell you went through. The sound scared you - that is understandable. Nobody _is _blaming you – nobody _can_ blame you."

"Thank you Zone, I-" she trailed off, softly wiping her mouth with a napkin. Maybe he really didn't need a reason.

"Rinoa," he interrupted, knowing his friend a little too well at times. "No more explanations, all right? You don't have to explain yourself to me. You shouldn't ever feel like you have to apologize for being yourself. I've known you for years now, trust me, you have nothing to be sorry for."

She sat slightly uncomfortable at his words, yet not sure exactly why. He was right though, she always felt the need to explain every move she made or apologize if something went awry. Maybe she had walked on eggshells too long back in Garden. With Squall, she always felt as if she would say or do the wrong thing, thereby pushing him away. Ironic in trying so hard not to, she managed to accomplish just the opposite.

Words rarely failed Rinoa, but right now, she couldn't think of another thing to say to Zone. Not that he expected a reply, but still it would have been polite on some level. She just needed to step away from the situation, if only for a few minutes.

"I need to go to the ladies room. I'll be back in just a moment." She politely announced, before getting up and dismissing herself from the table.

This time she was able to smile sincerely toward her best friend. It was true, she hadn't been out in so long and just being in another setting made for a break, even if she denied she needed one. It wasn't an expensive restaurant, but it was extremely charming. That was one thing that remained true about Timber, it seemed just about any place accepted how and who you were. Then again, her view on life could have been slightly jaded before.

She made her way through the tables to the ladies washroom. Truthfully, Rinoa didn't have to use the bathroom, she just needed a moment to gather herself. A break from what she didn't know…life?

She found herself staring at her reflection, looking back at her was a stranger in her eyes. But she tried tonight at least. She fixed a few strands of hair, although it was all cosmetic and she truly didn't care. Inhaling, she took a deep breath, as her heart rate had finally settled from the cork incident. And if she honestly stopped and thought about this night, she was actually starting to enjoy herself, although she still felt a tad awkward.

"_Rin."_

For the second time that evening, she found herself startled by a sound. Up until a second before, she thought she had been the only one in the small restroom. It had frightened her so much, that in the process, she managed to drop her handbag on the floor. For the time being, she decided to let the contents of her purse rest, looking around for whoever called her name.

"Hello?" She questioned a little more than hesitant. It certainly didn't look like anyone was in either of the two stalls, and she was positive she would have noticed another person in the small sitting area. "Is… is someone here?"

There was no response and she believed that the paranoia of the earlier incident was still fresh in her mind. She laughed to herself, more a fear reflex than humor. Leaning down to gather her belongings, she tried once again to calm frayed nerves. Not too many items had fallen, a tube of lipstick, an ink pen, and a small notepad. She reached for the notebook last; as her hand brushed against the paper, she noticed it had inadvertently opened to a page outlining Watt's travel itinerary. The young sorceress smiled at his predicament as she stood from a kneeling position. She knew that he was not enjoying himself there in Dollet, and she was certainly glad that he had volunteered to go in the first place. The last three things she would want to deal with in her life were politics, her father, and…

"Squall?" she said the name with a mixture of panic and confusion. Why hadn't it registered until now? The voice she heard softly whispering her name sounded just like… it couldn't be possible. She looked around the restroom again with greater resolve. Rinoa even checked the mobile phone in her purse to make sure it hadn't been switched to on. Maybe he had tried to call… all right, she didn't believe that would happen. But she would swear to heaven and hell that was his voice. Finally leaving the restroom, she was now more visibly shaken than when she entered. It only took a few steps before Zone caught up with her, obvious to her distress.

"Rinoa, you all right? Honey, you don't look so good."

"I um… I…" she fumbled. She couldn't tell Zone what she had heard or thought she heard. He would think she was borderline insane. Well, at least slightly crazier than he already believed her to be on a daily basis. Also she didn't want to mention it because of the glaring fact that Zone despised Squall. If she broke down and told him, he would just become angry, as he tended to do whenever the commander's name came up.

"I'm fine…" she lied. Again she smiled and finally relaxed herself to her own self delusions. "Come on, let's get out of here. It looks like it stopped raining outside, and I could _really_ use some fresh air. You know… after it rains I feel like everything will be all right. It's like a new start or something… So, let's say you accompany me home and we enjoy the walk together."

He smiled and gently escorted her from the building. Little did she know, her life would forever change in the midst of rain soaked evening.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Twelve: Defining the Lines ** _

He never liked the stagnant feel of a doctor's office or the ambient stench of death. Even after all these years, his opinion never waned. It didn't matter how many times he had visited the infirmary in Balamb, Zell Dincht would never allow his mind to grow used to it. Maybe it was because there was always a sense of finality in the air. He had seen too many lives end before their rightful years.

But here again he sat, and here again, he found himself praying to whatever deity would listen to his plea. This wasn't about him anymore. His injury, in his mind, was nothing more than superficial. It didn't mean his wound didn't hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, because it most certainly did. He just knew the bullet, that had briefly resided in his arm, had not been life threatening. He only wished he could say the same thing about his friend…

"Sit still, if you keep moving this is just going to take longer." A middle-aged woman was trying her best to mask the irritation. Her patient was far from cooperating. She had been the first resident doctor to come in after the scheduled shift change, therefore she found herself assigned to the care of Mr. Dincht.

Zell grunted under his breath, this was starting to drift into the absurd. They hadn't told him anything. Nothing. This place was barely even large enough to consider a hospital at all. It was more like an over grown doctor's office with a small gift shop. He had been there almost two hours and they were now attending to his wound. Thankfully when he first arrived, a nurse had treated him via triage in the Emergency Room. At least it sufficed until a qualified doctor could examine his injury thoroughly.

He was never upset by the lack of medical attention. In fact, he knew that all of the available personnel were in there trying to save his best friend's life. He wouldn't have had it any other way. He truthfully didn't care that all they had done for him to this point was given him a stiff shot of morphine. It at least had taken the edge off of the physical pain; his current mental state was another matter. The paramedics had also instructed him to apply direct pressure, though his wrapped makeshift bandages had done a semi decent job of that.

Now a slightly irritated female doctor was attempting to tend to his wounds. Normally he would have been completely cooperative, a little on the fidgety side, but still cooperative. Somehow under these circumstances, he felt the need to interrogate her for information, rather than be a helpful patient. God did he wish Dr. Kadowaki was here, at least it would be a familiar face and she would have told him _something_ by now. Then again, if she had been here, he would have also wanted her at Squall's side. He just felt so confused and alone right now; he couldn't even begin imagining how the commander felt. That was… if the commander could feel anything.

"I said please sit still. You're just making this harder on yourself then it need be."

The martial artist winched as he saw the end of a metallic instrument making its way to the vicinity of his wound. He didn't watch as the doctor worked on… well, whatever the hell she was working on right now.

"Please Dr. Vandermere, you have to – just talk to one of the surgical nurses. I'm sure they'll know something. Just ask one of 'em real quick… it will only take half a second."

"Mr. Dincht," she began with more forcefulness then the last two times he had asked the same favor. "The surgical staff has a job to do, just as I do. And currently I'm unsuccessfully attempting to cut some of your dead tissue away. It helps the healing process. Though, right now, that's a lot easier for me to say than to actually do… If you keep moving around this much, neither of us are going to be leaving our spots for a very long time." Her tone softened and she paused long enough to make brief eye contact with him.

"Listen, I do understand the concern you're feeling. The problem is - if I walk into operating room right now, I would be in the way. I could very well be compromising your friend's life and I know that would be the last thing you want. We all play certain roles around here and we can't afford to differ from them for a reason. If the lead surgeon believes he has progress to report, he'll send someone out. Until then, let them do their job… and I'll do mine."

He sighed. There was just something about the uncertainty that he hated. Of course, he could not have named one person in his life who liked uncertainty, at least one sane person. This was not supposed to happen; it felt as if one of his worst nightmares was coming to fruition. Squall was supposed to be the indestructible one; then again everyone had their weakness. It was just hard to watch a hero such as Squall fall in his eyes. The commander had fought back after so many hardships. All the tragedy in the man's life seemed to be so damned unnecessary.

"I'm sorry," he exhaled slowly still avoiding watching the actual procedure taking place. It wasn't that he was squeamish around blood and gore - he was a damn mercenary for God's sake. He just didn't need anything else to process in his mind right now.

"Don't apologize. Just remain still so I finish this." The doctor placed her scalpel down on a tray, immediately reaching over to a nearby nurse for supplies. Zell could tell some sort of antibiotic or medicine was being applied on his shoulder, before the doctor started to carefully dress the wounds.

"Mr. Dincht, I'm going to put on some dry dressing on your shoulder. You'll need to leave these on for about a day or so. We'll have someone here to regularly check your progress. Once we get a better look tomorrow, we may need to repeat this process. You're lucky yours was a through and through. Really for a high velocity shot, you're very damn lucky there wasn't more tearing."

"Yeah, lucky," he repeated under his breath. How in the hell could he be considered lucky? He would have given anything to trade places with the man lying on the operating table right now.

He just wished he'd be given that opportunity sometime in the many years to come.

* * *

"No way." Rinoa bit her lower lip, trying to hide the hint of a smile that was daring to shine through. She would have laughed foolishly in a different time and circumstance. Now, instead, she was only fighting back the mere notion of a full-fledged smile.

"Yes – **way**... I'm very serious." Zone placed his right hand over his heart before tracing an imaginary 'X' on his chest. "Cross my heart, Rinoa. I'm telling you the honest truth. Ask Watts, he'll verify it. That is if he isn't too embarrassed by the whole thing."

"You never told me. No one ever told me that story." She looked down, confident that her smile would remain buried. Now she wore an expression that was a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Well, it's not something someone goes around telling the entire free world. Plus it's not like it comes up in casual conversation. At least I certainly hope it doesn't."

"Well, I've had several odd conversations in the past… but nothing about two grown men dressing up as a large yellow bird. I really hope you guys got whatever information you needed out of that. Still, I would have paid good Gil to see you two undercover in a Chocobo costume. I just want to know - how both of you managed to remain standing on only two legs? Or then again, maybe I'm better off not knowing the full details."

She tried to joke, even though it was forced. Maybe Zone wouldn't notice, or maybe he would be too much of a gentleman to say anything even if he did. Her body might have been walking down a puddle ridden street in Timber, but her mind, and her heart, laid somewhere else.

For a long time, she had been doing so much better. But the last two months seemed nothing more than a terrible step in regression. The independence, the confidence, everything she had built over the last years seemed a rather distant memory. Still she understood her failures, even the ones she solely placed on herself. How could she let herself become so attached to another person? She above all people should have known better – you can never predict the future, right? Maybe it was time she heeded her own advice.

Tonight had been the worst in years. Then again even back then, she had never experienced anything close to this level of dementia. She was hearing voices and seeing things that really weren't there. She wanted the fresh air to clear her mind; instead all she was doing was making herself fall back into a deeper state of confusion. Her mind was clouded and foggy and she felt as if she couldn't even focus on a simple conversation. It had been this way most of the evening, but she had fought through most of her weaker moments rather valiantly – until now.

"I should have come back to you sooner... I promised, didn't I?"

Rinoa spoke the words, but they didn't feel as if they were her own. Of course the words were hers - they were coming from her own mouth. She just had not thought about saying them beforehand. They just sort of slipped out without conscious thought. She always had a way of speaking her mind, maybe this time, her mind was just speaking for her.

"Well, you know Rinoa, you did come back to Timber," reassured Zone as he reached for her hand. He held them intertwined as they walked down the rain soaked pavement. The two silently continued to stroll through the vacant streets. The young woman honestly hadn't even noticed the foreign contact as she had been kicking the puddles with her shoes. All her energy seemed to be focused on that useless task, which was sure to ruin her high heels before reaching the townhouse.

Zone continued to miss, _or chose to ignore,_ her feigning interest and kept the one-sided conversation going. "That's the thing about a promise, sometimes they are easier to make than to keep. It doesn't matter how long it took you to come home to us. You're back and Timber is liberated. Not to mention the city is doing quite well with your help. That's what counts. It doesn't matter that it took you a few extra years or that you got slightly diverted along the path… You kept your promise in the end."

"Yeah, I guess." This time she responded on instinct, unlike her last statement which she just sort of blurted out.

He stopped suddenly causing her to jerk back in surprise. "No guessing! This night hasn't been about guessing, it's been about knowing."

"I'm sorry," she realized she hadn't been listening at all to her friend. She really wasn't great company. Hell, she wasn't even 'good' company in the present condition. Still Rinoa believed she owed it to Zone to listen, even if she didn't have a clue to what he had been talking about. "So... what were you saying about knowing again?"

"Were you even listening?" He sighed overdramatically in mock aggravation. "_Oh Princess_, what are we going to do with you?"

He shook her hand playfully laughing. She momentarily had a look of shock cross her face. It wasn't until that moment she realized their hands were together. She really must have been drifting to miss something even remotely along those lines. Zone laughed at her expression, thinking she had been shocked at his lighthearted reaction.

"Rin, I guess it's a good thing you never change. I love you just the way you are." He pulled her slightly, nudging her forward as they again began walking. Both remained silent as they passed an intersection. Once it was cleared, Zone began reiterating his earlier points. "Anyway, about your question… I basically was explaining about knowing it's never too late to keep a promise. If you make a promise to someone you care about, you should keep it. No matter how long it takes."

"What?" This time Rinoa was the one who came to an abrupt halt. Her tone and demeanor quickly changed. When she finally did hear Zone's words, it made her mind go numb while her stomach was hit with a wave of nausea.

"What did you say?" She repeated a little more urgently.

"Rinoa, are you not feeling well?" Zone carefully raised his free arm, placing the back of his hand on her forehead. He smiled reassuringly, before lowering his arm back down to his side. "You don't seem at all like yourself right now. At least you don't feel like you're running a fever. Do you think you might be coming down with something?"

"No!" Rinoa's reply echoed loudly through the streets of Timber. She quickly tried to smooth over her overzealous reaction; it wasn't in her nature to act that out of sorts. "I mean… I don't know really. I'm sorry. Maybe you're right, I could be getting sick."

The sorceress desperately tried to understand her own actions and reactions. Everything was starting to again feel as if she was trapped within a fog. Maybe she was starting to come down with the flu or something. That would at least explain a lot of the turmoil tonight. She certainly didn't have that much to drink tonight at the restaurant, although her mind would beg to differ in its current state.

"Look Zone, I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to snap at you like that. It's just been an extremely long day. I just wanted to know what brought on your comment about promises…. Please?

"Rin… I really don't know what you want me to say. I thought I did explain what I'd meant. I'm not exactly sure I could tell you the answer, when I don't understand what you're asking. I really think you're not looking well. Look, I'm going to run down to the corner pharmacy and get you some medicine, you just stay here."

"Fine," she answered in defeat. Of course he didn't know how to answer her; she didn't know how to answer herself – or what her question really was.

He let go of her hand pointing to a nearby rest area, "Just sit on that bench over there. I'll be back in no time, then we'll get you home and feed Angelo the leftovers. You better be waiting when I get back. Don't go leaving me now."

"I'll be waiting… here…"

Rinoa responded in the same clouded manner as before. As soon as she heard her words she gasped out loud feeling bile rise into her throat. Placing her hand over her mouth she couldn't find any explanation for her behavior. She needed to get home now. She turned away from Zone without further explanation and ran as fast as humanly possible down the street. She wasn't going to look back.

* * *

There was slight disturbance at the hospital's main entrance that caught both Zell and Dr. Vandermere's attention. The area had already been sealed off hours ago; Dollet soldiers were guarding all points of entry. No nonessential personal were being allowed access, so the Martial Artist was slightly surprised when two people emerged from the small group of soldiers. When he saw who it was, he felt at least a small sense of comfort.

"Sir, over here!"

The martial artist yelled a little too loudly given the current environment. He was met with several stern glares from both medical and security personnel. He would have apologized in any other circumstance for his boisterous behavior, but right now, Zell truly didn't give a damn about their opinion. Without thinking, he stood up and made a futile attempt to wave his arms at the headmaster, before the harsh realization set it.

"Holy Shit!" he exclaimed while grimacing in pain, proceeded by falling back ungracefully into his chair. Apparently the wound hurt tenfold when being placed above his torso. He certainly would remember that tiny little detail next time he felt like doing something blatantly stupid.

"I would suggest not doing that," Dr. Vandermere replied although somehow she figured her advice was already learned.

"Thanks…" muttered Zell followed by a few adjectives not decipherable by human ears.

"I'll stop by and check on you later. Please feel free to ask for me if you are experiencing any problems." The doctor stood before giving a curt nod to her patient.

Zell barely noticed that the physician had already made an exit. He was too grateful to see a familiar face, or two. Cid Kramer and Dr. Kadowaki made their way across the room towards the curtain drawn area that the martial artist had been residing in. As they moved closer, Zell noticed that the headmaster himself didn't look well. His face was flush as his whole body seemed to be drained of any color. His eyes looked tired and puffy, and he didn't even walk with his normal gait. There was something sobering about his appearance that Zell read as a bad sign.

As they neared, Dr. Kadowaki veered off, heading immediately through two double doors. At least one of his wishes came true, she would be there by Squall's side. If that even counted for anything at this moment, he didn't know. Zell would have stood and saluted his superior, but somehow he understood that wasn't necessary right now. They were slightly beyond normal protocol, not to mention his good arm was now in a sling.

"Do you know anything about Squall?" The question slipped from Zell's mouth before his brain could even process that he asked. If the headmaster's appearance was any indicator, Zell feared for the worst.

"Not much," he replied solemnly. The older man sat down in the chair beside the young SeeD, before his legs gave way. "They're still operating. I guess that is better than some of the alternatives… I do believe the bullet is still in him, or was… they found only one other casing at the scene. There were traces of blood. From that we gathered that was the one that struck you." The headmaster placed his hands over his face trying to keep his poise, but it was quickly starting to wane. "How did this happen? It was supposed to be secure. Squall wasn't supposed to be a target; he had nothing to do with the summit…"

"I don't know if he was the intended target," answered Zell honestly. He had been thinking about this since before they had been placed in the ambulance. Zell tried to calculate every possible scenario in his head, the possibilities were literally endless. "There is nothing to gain by killing Squall. The most likely scenario I can think of is that this was an act of diversion. We were protecting Balamb's delegates, maybe someone else there is the real target or everyone there… With someone as prominent as Squall going down, everyone will be concentrating on that aspect. It could be bigger than that."

"So you're saying you think Squall was nothing more than collateral damage?" It sounded like some sort of sick joke to the headmaster. He could barely utter the words.

"God, I don't know. Maybe not. It's not like SeeD hasn't made its own fair share of enemies. Hell, I'm sure Squall has a few dozen all on his own. I just… I can't think of who would be so daring as to try something so blatant."

"No, this is bigger than that. Squall hasn't been the first shot… We've known about this pattern for months, it's just… there is no real pattern to any of the killings. Except they have all been some form of shooting – but all by all different guns."

"Sir, if I have your permission, I need to go call Rinoa. I don't want her hearing about this from someone else. I feel like we owe it her and I know Squall would want it that way."

The headmaster rubbed his hands together trying to find a way to put this into words. "Listen Zell, this is a little difficult for me to say… In fact, downright impossible… Look we're all praying for the commander's recovery. But honestly, it doesn't matter what happens in the operating room right now. Either way, as far as the world is concerned, Squall Leonhart will not have survived surgery."

"Sir, no offence, I might be the one slightly medicated here, but you are making no sense whatsoever."

"I know… I can't believe I have to say this myself. The fact is someone wants Squall dead and if they don't succeed with this attempt - they'll try again. Next time there may not be any surgery… or any hope."


	5. Dream of the Awake, A Single Grain of Sand, and Shattered Illusions

_ **Chapter Thirteen: Dream of the Awake ** _

She could hardly feel her feet touch the ground as she ran. The streets were still fairly desolate, maybe the rain kept people from going out on an otherwise beautiful evening. Tomorrow was also a work day, but really there was no reason to care. She didn't. All she knew was that her house was right around the corner. She never did look back, but that didn't mean she didn't know what, or who, was behind her – Zone.

In a way it was comforting to not be alone. It felt sick and twisted in her mind to pull Zone into her delusional episode. Still if history taught her anything, it was that she relied on others. Rinoa needed that support - only the warmth another person could offer. She had tried to deny that fact for a long time, but she needed people around her. She needed to feel wanted, loved. That is how she had always been – too weak to fight alone, even against the confusion within her own mind.

She wanted to be followed. She wanted to be coddled. She wanted to be told everything was all right - even if that truth was a lie.

Of course, she didn't want it to be Zone who comforted her. She didn't want to be remembered as the Forest Owl's spoiled little _princess_. All she sought was to be the loved woman, she wanted the sensations and feelings she had experienced once upon a lifetime.

Squall had told her once that she wasn't weak, that she was stronger than he could ever dream of being. She thought he was slightly delusional, or at least slightly intoxicated at that time. Her knight, her lion, would not be running through the streets of Timber being chased by his own fears. She had grown stronger and more independent over the last several years, now she was running from shadows.

This wasn't her – this is what she used to be.

She reached her door and could barely pull her house key from her purse. Trembling hands fumbled with the lock as the door finally gave way. It didn't surprise her when she felt someone embrace her from behind. Normally a person would have been scared under those circumstances, but Rinoa only found comfort in it.

"What's wrong with me?" She cried holding onto his shoulder as if it were her last salvation.

"Rin, honey just come in and sit down. It will be all right." Zone said gently smoothing her hair.

"I'm not all right!" she reiterated fiercely. "I-I keep seeing things, saying things. I'm not myself. God, what if something is happening to me? What if something is trying to possess me? I-I can't go through it… I won't make it."

"Come on."

Zone gently led her into the house and closed the door behind them. She was still by his side shaking almost hysterically. It was a mixture of being winded from the run and her emotions reaching a crescendo. He moved her onto her couch and took a seat on her right side. Reaching behind him, he grabbed a quilt and protectively placed it around her shoulders. He knew that she was far from cold, but he also knew Rinoa used it as a source of security. She always had. Angelo casually sauntered down the stairway hearing the sounds of her master's voice. When the canine noticed Rinoa's distress, she felt the overwhelming need to comfort her.

"Thank you," the young woman softly replied. Angelo placed her head on Rinoa's lap and looked up at her expectantly – she wanted to be loved too. Shaking hands obliged. Even in her weakened state, Rinoa could at least bring a sense of joy to someone's life.

"Rin, do you honestly think someone is trying to possess you – or whatever you were saying?"

Shutting her eyes, she started to regain her ebbing composure. She found a small sense of calmness being back in a familiar setting and with her best friend, Angelo. However, she would forgo sharing that truth with Zone; she wouldn't want him to take it personally. Still, her breathing and her heart rate were starting to return to normal and for the first time in hours, she was beginning to think clearly.

"No, I really don't think anyone is trying to take control," she admitted. It _was_ different and she was thankful. Still there was no way to explain the difference with mere words, because it was based on emotion and feeling. She would try to clarify, but she knew there was no way Zone could ever comprehend. "Last time when Ultimecia possessed me, the actions weren't my own. I felt like a bystander in my own body. Right now I just feel like – well, like it's me saying and doing these things. But _not_ me. I just… It's different. Really."

"Well see, that's a good thing." There was no way he could respond, so he didn't even attempt to elaborate. "I have an idea. You stay here and keep Angelo company and I'll go make us some hot cocoa with marshmallows. I still remember exactly how you like it."

"Sounds great." She smiled. Maybe everything would turn out all right. For the first time tonight, she felt there might be hope.

* * *

His eyes fought to find a focus; everything looked like a blurred photograph that you just can't make out no matter how hard you try. The only thing he could tell for certain - that it was bright. It wasn't necessary light, but everything just appeared extremely intense in his mind. He would have shied away his eyes, had he had the capacity. Right now all he could do was look at the source of the light – and wonder absolutely everything and absolutely nothing.

He would have moved his head, had he been so inclined. He wasn't. Right now he was numbly satisfied staring into nowhere. It was nearly impossible to focus mentally too; he found the task more daunting than trying to focus visually. Bit and pieces, coldness and numb, echoes and hallowed voices – it was all he could do to recall any order amid the chaos.

It was a sense of déjà vu that he cared not experience again in this lifetime or any lifetimes after. Seifer and training. The D-District Prison. Time Compression. The Esthar Mission. A few other rather insignificant occasions not worth reminiscing about. All instances where he had lost conciseness, in one form or another. It was just another endless cycle in his life that he rather have remain as distant as his childhood memories. But this cycle he kept reliving. It was that unremitting desolation that overrode reason that he reviled so much.

There was also something damning about being completely immobile. It was that want to move your body, although it never seemed to respond to your plea.

In short – it was utter helplessness.

"Don't try to speak."

He heard a voice echo throughout his senses. Did he know that voice? It sounded familiar, but right now he couldn't place the owner. Well he surely didn't say it, at least he knew that much. Though maybe he just thought it? No, that didn't sound right either. Why would he tell himself not to speak, he didn't want to speak at the moment anyhow. It would have been useless information for him to even think.

"Headmaster, he's conscious," stated a second voice.

That was it - the headmaster… of course it was Cid. Why wouldn't Cid want him to speak? Again, not that he even wanted to. But usually the headmaster was always asking his opinion; it seemed rather out of sorts for him not to want Squall to speak.

"Squall, welcome back." It was the headmaster, at least he knew that that much. "You're in a medical facility outside Dollet. Please don't try to respond verbally to what I'm going to say. I want you to try and make your hand into a fist to acknowledge you understand."

He still didn't feel right. It was all extremely hazy. There was a familiarity to the reason, but its truth escaped him right now. He could at least try to make a fist; it didn't seem like that difficult of a request. He managed to do so, without conscious thought. It just sort of happened, though he knew he had willed it to. Still his mind was too focused on the important details to spend much time on the inconsequential ones.

"That's great son." The headmaster smiled for the first time all day. "I want you to think back… do you remember anything? You were on an assignment working for the Peace Summit here in Dollet and-"

That was the sentence that triggered the floodgates. He could recall certain images vividly. He remembered lying on the ground, he remembered there was someone else there. It was in that moment he realized why Cid didn't want him to speak. Nothing had felt right; it was hard to take notice of anything. He tried to gasp out load; he wanted to ask about Zell, that is what he remembered with such clarity. Zell had been shot. But his attempts were futile as he realized he had something foreign blocking his sound. He didn't like the feeling. He was trapped and helpless. There was a fear reflex kicking in that had been forgotten for a long while.

"Shhh, shhh... It's okay Squall calm down. It's okay. Just listen to me, all right?" Cid's tone was on the verge of begging. The sight of the commander nearly broke the headmaster's own spirit.

Squall panicked. He didn't like to be trapped. Cid along with a few doctors tried to keep Squall immobile for his own safety. He fought against them; his actions were a result of both fear and confusion. The patient's attempts didn't last long as his body was weak. He finally settled, allowing the doctors to relinquish their hold. His attempts weren't halted necessarily by his own accord, but because the commander had nothing left to give. He really was helpless.

"Squall, you need to listen to me, all right? Please I know you want to talk, but they had to place you temporarily on a ventilator. I understand it's extremely uncomfortable having a tube in your throat, but I'll try answering your questions to the best of my ability."

The commander made a fist knowing that it was his only option at that point. It was communication, a basic form, but it would have to make due for now.

"That's good," answered Cid with a soothing quality. "Now, you have been-"

Squall cut his words off again. Not by trying to exit from the bed, but by a few simple gestures of his hand. He tried to wave off the headmaster's comments. He didn't want to know about that right now – there was something much more important. He moved his eyes over toward the doorway and pointed outward.

"You can't leave yet, I'm sorry."

"He wants to know about Zell."

Dr. Kadowaki, who had only been a bystander in the proceedings until now, corrected Cid's interpretation. She'd had many years experience understanding the patient's nonverbal communication. It shared the traits of a speaking a foreign language and was a quality that made her a highly respected doctor.

When Squall heard the doctor's response, he quickly made another fist. At least someone understood that counted for something.

"Oh, okay… I get it," the headmaster laughed. It wasn't as if the situation was the least bit humorous; it was just an automatic response. Cid rubbed the back of his neck and pulled up a chair moving beside the patient's bed. "You'll be glad to know that Mr. Dincht is currently lounging outside in the waiting area. When he isn't doing that, he is making the medical staff question their choice in careers. His was a clean hit, bullet went through and through. He'll pull through all of this with flying colors - I wish I could say as much for the people treating him."

Squall nodded his head silently in relief. It would have been easier to make a fist, but he was just so utterly grateful. He didn't care about how physically uncomfortable his action was.

Dr. Kadowaki pulled some printed readouts from a machine. She examined the data carefully before conferring with a second specialist standing nearby. It was their shared opinion that the tube could be removed. That was if Squall showed the desire to maintain breathing by his own accord.

"Squall, I know you are uncomfortable," began the doctor as she walked up to a unoccupied portion of the bed. "We are going to remove the ventilation tube. This is going to be a little uncomfortable for a moment. I'm going to be handing you an oxygen mask. I just want you to concentrate on breathing deeply. You may feel the need to cough, that's perfectly fine."

Squall nodded in understanding. He was looking forward to getting the damn tube out of his body, it felt very invasive. At least his mind and his surroundings were starting to become clearer.

The doctor carefully removed the tube and Squall nearly started choking during the process. He felt the cool flow of oxygen surrounding his mouth. The pressure of his chest was great and he could feel a pain resonating from his ribs. He continued a mixture of coughing and inhaling for a several moments, before returning to a normal breathing rate.

"You're doing just great," said Cid optimistically.

Squall would have rather not have the man as his personal cheering section, but he knew that the headmaster was just trying to be encouraging. It was just Squall's nature to be annoyed by it, though he should have grown used to it knowing his choice in friends.

The one detail that had not escaped the commander was who was in the room - more specifically, who _wasn't._ He would never admit he wanted anyone here, but there was still a sense of hope that someone would be – well someone specific. He didn't know why he would even entertain that notion. It wasn't as if she didn't have her own life or obligations. He remembered very little of what had happened, but he remembered his thoughts of Rinoa. He wondered now what she would have thought, had she known his last thoughts – would she be angry or flattered?

"Squall? Are you okay?"

The commander could hear the concern in Cid's voice. He had drifted back into the recesses of his mind; it was a habit that had refused to change over the many years. The commander nodded yet again, still not attempting to speak. He didn't have the energy right now, or quite frankly, the desire.

"That's good. I just want to fill you in on what's been going on with you. You were in surgery for several hours. Apparently the sniper's second shot entered your chest, traveled a short distance, and then was deflected by a rib. The bullet ended up in your lower left lung – which eventually collapsed, but the doctor's were able to reinflate it. In the end you were saved with a combination of medical knowhow and curative magic. But as you know magic and medicine can only do so much, the rest will heal in time. I think you're going to have a few more scars to add to your collection after this."

Squall finally had a question he wanted to ask. His voice was hoarse and nearly unrecognizable. _"Did you catch the shooter?"_

"No… I'm sorry." Adjusting his glasses, Cid exhaled visibly upset. He wished he had better news to pass along. "We did manage to recover the bullet from your lung and the second one from the scene. Dollet authorities already offered to turn all evidence over to Garden, they figured we would want this. They're right. We'll find the guy, I promise."

Squall started thinking about what had happened. He thought about the danger, the fact he nearly died, the shooter, what he could have done differently… He thought about everything, but just as fast as the questions would come, they would go. There was only one thing that constantly remained steady in his mind… Rinoa Heartilly. As much as he tried to convince himself he could move on, that he owed it to her to let her live her own life, and that there was no hope – maybe he could see that sliver of possibility. Maybe he was delusional, or maybe it was the sedatives, but right now all he wanted was to hear her voice again.

"Is anybody else here?" Squall managed in his raspy tone. He was too afraid to say her name out loud. He didn't want to admit this momentary weakness to anybody - Cid, Dr. Kadowaki, or even himself. He made the question general, although he wanted just one reply.

"Nobody's here." Cid had to look away.

Hell, this was going to be tougher than he thought. Still, the headmaster knew his decision was based on reason. As he had explained to Zell, there may not be another chance if the truth was known. If the shooter knew Squall was alive, he may come back to finish the job he started. The headmaster didn't like the idea of deceiving everybody, especially those at Garden. The only individuals who would know the truth were those residing in this room and Zell. What he was doing was for Squall, now it was just time to convince Squall of that.

At that very moment there was a press conference taking place aboard Garden. Xu was filling the world in all the known details of the commander's untimely death. She above all had the ability to remain professional amid the face of tragedy. Zell, according to Garden's official report, was now in critical condition in an undisclosed location. The entire world had witnessed some of the footage of the blood soaked commander. Amateur videos were released within hours to anybody with access to watch, thank goodness for vacationing families and their camcorders. The scene looked extremely gruesome on tape; nobody could decipher who's blood was who's. Squall's closest friends were only given the 'news' before it was released to the masses. Cid was glad he wasn't there to witness their reaction firsthand; making it through this charade was already taking a toll on his emotions.

"Squall, I know this may seem sudden, and very unexpected, but as soon as you are able to get around – you and Zell are on an undercover mission."

It wasn't as if Squall was upset to be working again; he needed his mind to remain focused and alert. In fact he believed the distraction of work may make his personal problems less daunting. It was just the suddenness of the request. One minute he has a damn tube shoved down his throat, the next Cid is already shipping him off - stitches, scars, and all.

He wasn't going to like this.

* * *

Standing from the couch, Zone gave the Angelo a quick scratch behind the ears before walking to the kitchen. Rinoa sighed, at least she was starting to feel like herself again. Whatever that was anymore.

She happened to glance at her phone, and noticed she had several new messages. If she had a will or desire, she would have turned off that damn blinking light. There was nothing that could be of great importance. Right now she found the couch more appealing than the idea of listening to telemarketers drone on endlessly. She reached for the remote and turned on the television. Wearily she flipped through several channels, but she hadn't the desire to even put up with its nonsense. After a few more channels of annoying reruns, she muted the television and leaned back into the soft pillows. She loved this damn couch; she could sleep on it all night.

The sound of clanging was heard from the kitchen and the faint aroma of chocolate started wafting in the air. Childhood memories flooded her mind of winter's nights warmed by the fireside. She cherished those memories, just as greatly as any from her time at Garden. The scent of seasoned firewood and her parents' warm embrace – memories intertwined with one another. She did not know how long she had remained in the past, the next thing she knew, Zone was handing her a cup of warmed cocoa.

"I made it just the way you like it, with exactly twelve marshmallows." She smiled, he knew her strange quirks so well. Zone made himself comfortable beside her. "You know Rinoa I had a wonderful time tonight, even with the few small setbacks. I don't think I've enjoyed being out so much in a long time."

She had to laugh at that, he must have been insane. "Well, now I know you need some serious help, if you think hanging out with me is actually an enjoyable evening."

"I guess it depends on your point of view," he replied taking a sip of his drink. "Have I told you lately how glad I am that you came back to Timber?"

"I had to come back sometime," she softly said placing her mug on the end table. Timber always meant so much to her, more than she had first realized. "I think somehow Timber always felt the most like home. It's just this place. I have so much history here… you know,_ before_ everything else. I remember coming here on weekend trips with my parents. God, I loved watching the trains. I would always count the train cars that passed by. I used to try to guess how long they would be… I turned it into my personal little game. Trains always fascinated me, some had one engine, some two... I wondered where the passengers were going, if they were happy, if they were sad. I always liked to think of them traveling home to the ones they loved."

Her voice faded into a whisper, "I don't know… life had its ups and downs back then. I've always managed to survive. I have to convince myself I can do that again. I guess like a cat, I have to land on my feet."

Zone set his cup down and grabbed her hands. She turned, surprised by his action; at least she was aware of the contact this time. "Rinoa, it's not your landing I've ever worried about, it's what you're jumping into."

"I'm not sure where I'm jumping anymore." Her words were soft as she looked downward.

"Let me help you," was his tender reply.

It was only a second, a fragment of her life, yet it would be the beginning of another chapter. She didn't even realize until it was too late, or maybe she just didn't want to. He had moved forward, so close to her, and in an instant his lips met hers. She hadn't known it was coming, or maybe she had.

It was new, it was familiar, it wasn't right.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Fourteen: A Single Grain of Sand ** _

Rinoa felt his arms wrap around her and she was helpless to a firestorm of forgotten sensations. If she could have found the wisdom to stop it, she would have done so. If she had found the strength to stop it, she would have done that too. Instead, all she could do was feel helpless to the circumstances. She fought against a torrent of a thousand emotions and failures. She wished she could find whatever the hell she lacked to stop it, yet she couldn't.

It felt different, unnatural, and forced. Something she did not want, but her body fought against her mind. It felt so right to be held - to feel that intimate warmth.

Her body craved this, but not _this._

It was Zone who pulled away first; she hadn't even found the conviction to do that. Everything seemed nothing more a foolish dream. God, she wished that it had only been a momentary subconscious slip on her part. It wasn't. She didn't even have the courage to look at him right now; she knew every ounce of her disbelief and every bit of her unwarranted anger would be evident. But who was she angry at - herself, Zone, or even Squall for not being the one there?

"God Rinoa, I'm sorry I didn't mean… I don't know-"

Zone's words were faint and spoken with much concern. To a point that he felt that it was impossible to continue with a rational explanation for his actions. He just couldn't explain the truth to her, she would never understand. He decided that his best course of action was to remain in silence.

Everything was spiraling aimlessly out of her control. She felt ill, maybe it had been too long sense she felt that closeness. She had yearned for such physical contact for years. How was she going to explain this? Why should she explain it? To who? Had she left herself that open to more heartache? She had just built this life; it was the only thing she could truly call her own.

Her mind remained a jumbled nerve of emotions and she still was to cowardice to look directly at him. What words could she say to make it all go away? Could she laugh it off and pretend that it never had happened?

She wasn't that good of an actress.

It felt like a friendship she cherished was slowly falling just out of fingertip's grasp. In her mind, she always viewed Zone, and Watts, as the older protective siblings. They had been there for her when nobody else wanted to be, holding her hand through so many long nights. Both of them, Zone and Watts, they were her two best friends; she would have laid her life on the line for them. This simple action changed everything she knew and every comfort, no matter how small, she had found here in Timber.

Truth be known, she couldn't deny that she hadn't suspected Zone's feelings in the past; they were evident even before she moved away to Garden. The animosity he held toward Squall since the first mission, it was all rather unnatural for at time. Maybe Zone had sensed something forming between her and the young SeeD before she believed in the possibility. She had always tried to write Zone's actions off as being overprotective, but deep down, she had always suspected. He seemed so much older back then and, of course, she was only seventeen; his affections would have been perceived as completely out of line. Now the three and a half year age gap was hardly an issue.

She had to look any direction but his. If she continued to look downward he might see the tears as they fell from the gravitational pull. She didn't want to hurt him anymore than he would want to hurt her. She had to explain to him - what she couldn't explain to herself. Why hadn't she pulled away? Why had she stayed there far longer than she should have?

If Rinoa could afford herself just another few minutes, maybe the whole situation would just fade away. It was the only hope right now that she had to draw upon. How in the hell had she let that kiss happen? How could she have not seen it coming? She still avoided Zone's eyes, looking away and trying to find something else that she could focus on…

Her peripheral vision caught sight of the iridescent glow radiating from the television. She was drawn to the light, just as a bug innocently flying before meeting its demise on an automobile windshield.

On the television screen, a news report. It was only meant to as a divergence from the situation, not emotional suicide. But that is what it would become, a moment that was destined to change her life forever.

A picture of a face she had seen a thousand times. A picture of a person that still haunted her life – Squall Leonhart.

* * *

The headmaster stood in the company of overwhelming stillness. He had just explained the basis of the mission to his wounded SeeD. Cid knew that Squall would be cynical; he never anticipated anything less than that - due his somewhat skeptical nature. What he hadn't counted on was the younger man's prolonged silence. Maybe the headmaster should have expected no immediate reaction, Squall was one who needed to digest and process the information before he acted. That is one thing that made him a rational leader, most of the time.

Squall's tone was abrupt, "So, nobody knows but us?"

"Correct son, just myself, Zell, Dr. Kadowaki and the few trusted doctors here."

"What if I don't play along?" The commander focused his attention on the ceiling. He didn't want to look at his superior right now. He didn't like this one damn bit.

"I'm afraid there really is no choice. By now, Garden's news conference is over – the world already believes you are dead. This is not a punishment Squall. It's a measurement for your own safety."

For his safety? He didn't give a damn about his own safety. Garden only did because of his incoming revenue and political stature. He was nothing more to them than a poster child for recruiting the next generation of mercenaries. Cid may have still held a fatherly bond toward him, from his days living at the orphanage, but Squall only saw the headmaster as a superior anymore. Those days to him died three years ago after returning from Esthar…

The last thing he needed to think about right now was the failed mission. Or at least what he would define as _'failed.'_ Garden probably saw it as anything but that. He didn't need any more deaths to weigh on his mind. He wondered how Zell possibly reacted to this absurd scheme. He would hardly believe that the martial artist would play along willingly. Neither of them would have a choice in the end, but that didn't mean they couldn't voice their dislike of the situation.

"What about Zell? How's he taking this _new mission?"_

"As I explained to him earlier, this is for the safety of both of you. We can't officially rule him out as the intended target either. Right now, all we have standing before us is a bunch of unanswered questions."

Squall remained quiet, still unconvinced by any argument the headmaster was attempting to make. This was just absurd. There was no other word to describe the situation. How long did Cid think he and Zell could keep up this charade? Right now he was a near invalid lying in a hospital. Six hours ago he had a bullet lodged in his lung, now he was going to be on an undercover mission – dead – for who knew how long. What rational thoughts should he be having right now?

Cid remained by his student's bed side; Squall could be irrationally stubborn at times. Had it been any other student, the headmaster doubted he would have put up with his temperamental attitude so long. The older man sighed adjusting his glasses, maybe some common sense just needed to be applied in the matter.

"Squall, you already know in situations such as this, if this was a personal attack, the shooter usually returns during some point. Seeing the pain he has caused firsthand just justifies his sense of power even if it is extremely misplaced. There's a damn good chance that whoever the sniper was - will show up in your life in one way or another. Everything about your death has to appear real. The reactions, the emotions - it has to be genuine or he's going to see right through this."

"I already know that. I took Garden's damn physiology classes. What I don't understand is why I have to play along with your perverse sense of justice. The person will more than likely try to do the same in an attempted murder, hell he'll probably even appear on our side. This is already going to be rather high profile."

"Because, if killer doesn't believe he succeeded the first time, he's damn well likely to come back and finish the job. I'd like to say the choice in this matter is up to you, but I'm afraid neither of us can afford that luxury. This bastard has already killed several people and he isn't likely to stop with one near miss. The World Council, city officials, even Garden… nobody has gained any solid leads. There's just no recognizable or defined pattern to the madness. The best chance the world has right now is you and Zell. Maybe from the inside you can see something everybody else has missed."

"It's my funeral, right?" The commander hissed angrily.

"I wish it could be another way. I don't like putting your friends though this either. They're all like family to me… you know that. I can't even let Edea know the truth. But that's why I'm going to this extreme, to protect my family. Someday you'll understand."

Family… Squall Leonhart? The commander would laugh at the irony had he had the liking or want. There was a day long ago that he believed he would understand, but now it sounded nothing more than a cruel joke.

He thought about his father, or the man who held the title in the biological sense. Squall had never addressed him as that, or truly acknowledged his existence outside of a professional capacity. Now he felt the guilt of putting Laguna through the trauma. God, he actually felt guilty about how this was going to affect Laguna.

He fought with himself. Why should he care what the others around him perceived? Death was a truth and reality that he lived with every day. In the past years, he hadn't gone on many missions due to several underlying factors. Most would believe that had to do with his position of Commander, he knew otherwise. To put his friends though this needlessly was too damned cruel, even by his lax standards.

He took one last look at the ceiling before coming to his final decision. He may not have liked his life, but it was his to do with as he pleased. If he wanted to put himself in the path of an oncoming bullet, that was solely his choice. He was very much alive right now.

"I'm not going to do this."

"Squall, I don't want to pull command on you, especially under these circumstances. But you will do it, that's an order."

"This is fucking bullshit!"

Squall Leonhart rarely lost his temper or poise; he rarely cursed outwardly and he never dared dream speaking insubordinately to a superior. It went against everything he knew, against every belief he held in military hierarchy; it was against everything he was trained to believe. His mere existence had already had made too many people suffer. He didn't want what few friends and family he still held needlessly grieving over a man whose life wasn't worth it.

"Squall Leonhart, I understand you're upset, but you will never, never speak like that to me again."

There was silence as the younger man digested his earlier behavior. The Headmaster had every right in the world to yell at him. The commander would never allow one of his SeeDs to act in such a manner.

"I'm sorry sir."

He was. Squall felt that this whole idea was still 'fucking bullshit,' but he held Cid Kramer in the higher regard. His outburst was seriously uncalled for and he knew it.

Part of him wondered if she would believe it was some type of poetic justice. He knew of at least two people who would believe that… if they could. She was never vindictive of deceitful; maybe he was just trying to find a way to justify this plan in his head

His thought didn't rest solely on Rinoa. His friends, how would they handle this news? Would they blame themselves? He would have, had the situations been reversed. But Squall Leonhart and irony were fickle creatures. He held skewed views on death. Once upon a time, he would never want anyone talking about him past tense, now he was going to be living the nightmare.

Cid tried to sound reassuring, but to the already wounded soldier the comment just drove the knife in even deeper. "Squall, you know I've found a way to spin the situation in the past. I know I can do it again. When you come out of this you'll be respected even more than before."

* * *

Rinoa's first response was of emotional remorse for what had just transpired between her and Zone. Her second thought, nearly coinciding with her first, was what marvelously heroic act had her former knight done? Her first thoughts were almost always positive, given her nature and his history. She figured he had fought against another group of insurgent fighters, or possibly had managed some insurmountable feat at the Peace Summit. That's who Squall Leonhart was to her, a hero who would forsake everything for duty, including his own sanity.

It was the solemn expression on the female anchorwoman's face that was the first indicator that Rinoa may be mistaken. It was that unsettling feeling within her stomach that was the second. This sensation went far beyond the guilt of kissing Zone into something that encompassed her entire being. It was a culmination of the last months mixed with the emotion with the last several years. It was all her greatest fears coming to light.

It was simply an end to her belief in innocents.

She forgot Zone was even in the room as she moved toward the television. She could have grabbed for the remote, but she was drawn to the screen. Her fingers didn't tremble or shake, they had not the validity to do so; it was something that she could even fathom yet. Her mind refused the possibility. She turned up the volume believing, for the last second, that she had misinterpreted the truth. It was that last hope that was quickly quelled by the reality.

The reporter spoke with the words with deafening clarity, _"…Again we have breaking news out of Balamb Garden. They are officially confirming that Commander Squall Leonhart died as a result of complications arising from a single bullet to the chest."_

There was nothing within her soul. The life was drained out of her between the instance of a single heartbeat. Whispering in her ear, her inner voice insisted that this was some sick and twisted joke. It had to be. It goddamned had to be. She listened, because quite frankly there was nothing else for her to do. She was spellbound to the reporter's news, no matter the words that seeped into her conscious.

"_While stationed in Dollet for the World Council's Peace Summit, a sniper apparently gunned down Commander Leonhart amid a crowd of people. Our Dollet news affiliate has gained access to the footage of the fatal shot. We warn our younger viewers and those with more delicate sensibilities to turn their heads while we air the video…"_

She couldn't turn away from the screen. She couldn't. She needed to see the video, it was perverse and morbid, but she needed to see it with her own eyes. It couldn't be true.

There it was. A video detailing the horrific event, even down to the sunglasses falling from his face as Zell dragged him. The blood, she saw the blood and it felt like her own spilling onto the pavement of Dollet. She could feel his pain; she could sense the unrelenting sensation of death. It was like Siren singing her song to sailors; he couldn't avoid its pull forever.

Then the video was gone from the television, but would never be gone from her memories. It was there embedded just as every other moment of life with him, the good and the bad. This one surpassed all of them.

"_Again, breaking news from Balamb that Commander Leonhart died from complications during surgery. Medics rushed him to an undisclosed location where medical personal tried fervently to stabilize him. He was officially pronounced dead several hours later at 5:15 this evening, Dollet time. Zell Dincht, also an accomplished SeeD from Balamb Garden, is currently listed in critical condition following surgery. He is believed to be in a coma as a result of his injury."_

Squall's picture filled most of the screen. It was simple to put his name in bold letters, along with the years of his birth and death. The media didn't know him personally. They didn't honestly know the first thing about him. He wasn't just the hero everyone thought; he was a multitude of layers and certainly not without his own haunting demons. He looked so indestructible in the picture, one taken in his formal SeeD attire. She had known firsthand that he wasn't indestructible but she never could have imagined an outcome such as this.

Rinoa touched the screen, hoping against hope that her hand could transcend space and time and just touch him one more time.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

Her hand rested on the screen, touching the pixels that once formed a living, breathing human she had once loved. Rinoa sat in silence, to dumfounded to speak or to breathe fluidly. She felt the sensation of two arms pulling her away. She was helpless, just as she was earlier, but now her mind fought against reason. Yet, she couldn't deny it. She tried more than the gods above in the sky, but there was no repentance great enough for her sins.

Zone had grabbed her, trying to get her away from the screen. She figured her own sanity was teetering on the brink and he must have known this. The only thing within his power was to separate her from television. She didn't even think about the kiss before, somehow it seemed almost irrelevant in her eyes. She didn't care what she had done earlier, or why she had done it. It honestly didn't matter right now. She found solace in Zone's arms as they brought her in from the cold of her heart. Her body could only tremble as her heart fought not to believe the news report.

But she believed.

Everything that had happened today suddenly made sense. The voices, the fog, everything was remnants of a once passionate love that still held certain ties to her inner soul. Now all she felt was the overwhelming sense of confusion. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to wake up from this nightmare that invaded what used to be her life.

But she could do nothing but stand there… and feel nothing.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Fifteen: Shattered Illusions ** _

"Why in the hell would Squall want all these flowers?" Quistis placed an arrangement against the wall of the ballroom; it was already lined in a colorful memoriam. The room had never looked so beautiful yet so vile at the same time. Each array represented a moment in the commander's life that he would never get to live, a breath that he would never take.

She shook her head in disgust touching the petals of a nearby bouquet of lilies. "These people didn't know him at all."

Irvine had walked in a few paces behind with an even grander arrangement. It made him sick how many countries and dignitaries had already sent their condolences. It had only been mere hours since his death went public. But this was, after all, a chance to get into good graces with Garden; these people probably never spoke more than ten words to the commander, if any at all.

"Maybe these idiots should have sent cases of gunblade oil," Irvine tried to joke.

Even he found it difficult given the circumstances. But he knew above everything that Squall would not want them to mourn his loss in this world. That was not who the commander was – so Irvine tried to keep his friend's wishes foremost in his mind.

The normally refined instructor looked like another person entirely. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a haphazard ponytail. Her eyes were puffy and red from earlier breakdowns. She had tried, God she had tried… she had to remain strong – to keep up pretense and appearance. Everyone else was depending on her emotional stability.

And even if they weren't – she desperately needed a reason to cling to sanity.

The gunman walked over placing his arm gently around her shoulder. "It's okay Quistis; you don't have to keep up the act. We'll get through this together."

"Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind," she confided softly.

"I think we all feel the same."

The instructor felt comfort in the embrace, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. She could barely find the will to stand, let alone try to act the part of a mentor. She just needed someone to protect and comfort her for once. Nothing seemed to matter in this instant. Everything she thought, the illusion she chose to create, was shattered. Squall wasn't invincible; he wasn't the indestructible leader that she wanted – no, that she _needed _to believe he was. He was just a man. A man whose life had been dependent upon fate.

"I take it you haven't heard from Rinoa."

"No…"

The statement only brought forth a new wave of sorrow to the instructor. Everything that the young sorceress had gone through, the obstacles she had managed to overcome – only now this would be an impossible barrier for her to get past. Quistis had always held out hope for Rinoa and Squall. Even after all these years she knew that some things were just meant to be. She believed in time Squall would see that as well, now she thought of the wasted moments between the two - the 'what should have been' but will never be.

"I just don't know how she's going to take it."

"She's strong," Irvine tried to reassure. "You have to give her that."

"I-I left a message. I just didn't want her to hear it from someone else. God, not that I want her to hear it from a damn machine either."

"You need to try to call again. She's probably not going to call you back. I'm guessing she doesn't know what to do or say. You need to at least try to make her talk."

Then the realization hit her. "I can't."

He stepped away giving the instructor a moment to collect her bearings. She wiped off newly formed tears.

"Irvine, I can't make her talk when I don't know what to do or say myself."

"Then you know what - just tell her that. Knowing that she's not alone in this might be the best thing for her to hear right now. We're all here for each other."

The echoed sounds of heels hit the marbled floor and both turned toward the doorway. Xu walked in carrying yet another item, though this time it appeared to be a small planted tree. It was at least a welcome break from the increasingly overpowering smell of flowers. She lined the plant along with the others, before approaching Irvine and Quistis. Her demeanor was respectful, as always, as she bowed before addressing her comrades.

"I just got off the radio with the Headmaster, he's returning to Garden. Dr. Kadowaki is remaining in Dollet for at least another night. Her assistant will be handling any duties until she returns. If something major comes up, we'll send them to Balamb – their ER is already on standby."

There was so much clarity in her words; she seemed to keep all emotions at bay. No one would have guessed that the woman had just lost her superior and friend. At times Quistis strived to be more like that, she wished she could show more dignity in times of adversity.

"God Xu, how do you do it?"

"Honestly Quistis, I've had to do this far too many times. The emotions never get easier, but unfortunately, the protocols do become more familiar. I've just found a way to manage."

"Have they settled on a day for the funeral yet?" Quistis choked on her own words, quickly covering her mouth. She felt bile rising from her stomach as it burned its way to the surface. To hear that phrase come from her own lips was the nightmare she had feared for too long. This was too soon. He was too young.

They all were too damn young for this.

* * *

He balled his hand into a fist. It wasn't for any given medical reason; it was just something to help quell his growing anger. He watched bitterly as the clear liquid trickled into his body through the IV tube. He didn't know what they hell they were pumping him full of, and truly he didn't care at the moment. It had become a morbid fascination watching the foreign substance entering his body.

It seemed so simple; the most miniscule of needles could deliver a fatal blow to the human system. Maybe it would have been easier if it had been poison seeping into his bloodstream. Then, at least Garden's lie would become the truth – it would have been easier in the long run.

He heard footsteps approaching, but refused to yield to his curiosity. He could have extended the courtesy to look upwards, but somehow he revered in the faint insolence.

"Hey man, how are you doing?"

The martial artist had finally made his way into his friend's room. Between the entourage of medical staff and the presence of the Headmaster, Zell had been forced into the background. He did not mind. He had had a feeling he would be seeing enough of the commander in the upcoming days to last them through their natural lives.

As he neared the bed, the martial artist hadn't failed to notice Squall's callous behavior, which was rather atypical even by the commander's standards. Still, it hadn't surprised Zell when he wasn't offered a response. This was difficult news to comprehend on all accords; he had known Squall long enough not to expect anything less.

"Anyway, Squall, you gave us all quite a scare there. Don't you dare do that to me again."

"_A scare?"_ Squall heatedly chastised the comment in his mind. That was nothing compared to what the world was going to believe. The commander finally found reason to look at the person who had invaded his room.

His steely glare spoke volumes; Zell quickly regretted his attempt at a one-sided conversation. He knew Squall would need more time, yet here he stood trying to act as if nothing out of the norm had happened. The martial artist shifted his weight between his feet as he grew more uncomfortable in the room. He was just about to turn around and leave when Squall decided to break the unbearable silence.

"This is total bullshit."

It wasn't the exact words the martial artist had expected, but honestly it wasn't that far from the mark. Anything that Zell might say in response to such an open-ended statement would be easily twisted into something it wasn't. Words were often a double-edged sword when it came to the commander.

The martial artist moved closer, finally utilizing a chair that had been left near the bed. Zell hadn't fully understood if this small breakthrough in the conversation was an invitation to talk or just a random comment. Regardless, he felt it was his duty to at least try to wade the through the uneasiness. In reality the two were in the same boat, it would be better if they could at least find their way off the shore.

"What's up man? I mean, I know how you feel about this whole thing. Hiding out in a hospital certainly wasn't what I was planning when I woke up this morning."

"That's easier for you to say, you're not the one that's technically dead."

The commander's gaze focused on a nearby monitor. It was a useless distraction if nothing more.

The words struck a nerve with the normally emotionally calm martial artist. Sure he wasn't 'dead' but ever since the Headmaster had explained the situation, he had done nothing but think of the consequences.

"So what Squall? You know the fact that I'm not 'dead' isn't going to stop Ma and Alex from worrying, is it? I mean to them my condition is uncertain. They aren't even going to be told where I'm at or anything about my condition. It's probably going to kill Ma. Now they'll have to wonder every time the phone rings… I don't like this one damn bit either."

Zell noticed that the commander was now staring directly at him. He hadn't realized that he had become so emotional during his tirade. He just wanted Squall to understand that there were more victims than just the obvious - everyone was going to suffer to some degree.

Turning away, Zell gathered his senses and tried to explain this from a more level headed perspective. "The only reason I'm dealing with this is because I don't want Ma to get that call – ever. I'm not naïve, I can't promise it won't happen, but I'll do my damndest to make sure it doesn't. Right now, we have been given a second chance."

The commander closed his eyes. This wasn't going to be easy. This whole thing was just a twisted joke and he constantly hoped he could wake up back in his room and forget this nightmare ever came to be. It never worked. God he had tried that in the past, and in the end, it only brought more heartache. Because when he woke up, he was always laying in the same merciless hell. Maybe Zell was right, he needed to address this head on.

"If you want to wake up from the nightmare, you must first face yourself."

"Huh?" It was obvious that the commander meant something, but Zell wasn't sure what. Then again, he wondered if it was even meant to be heard at all.

"Nothing," Squall exhaled letting his breath become even. "It's nothing."

* * *

Time, distance, belief – they all became irrelevant within the instance of a breath. She felt like a scared child being cradled in her mother's arms. But Zone was not her mother, and she couldn't even feel the least bit of comfort from his touch. Even the close proximity of another human being could not penetrate the numbness of her soul.

Maybe if she could have experienced any emotional release, it might have been some indication of her existence. But as she stood there with another's arms tightly wrapped around her, she was a lifeless, emotionless, a cold transparent shell of a being. There was no urge to cry or scream; no will to plead or deny. It was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that should have scared the hell out of her.

"Rinoa, come on… you need to sit down."

She was oblivious to Zone's voice and his request. So she stood as a statue, broken yet unwavering to movement. He could feel Rinoa's cold and dampened skin, he figured it was the onset of her body going into a state of shock.

"Listen to me Rinoa," he forcefully spoke. He moved her in front of him, placing his hands on her shoulders; he even went as far as to slightly shake her out of her trance.

"Come on, just focus."

Her already light complexion grew deathly paler as her blood flow slowed in her system. She swayed slightly in his arms, rising and falling as her lungs tried to claim air. It was almost a battle to maintain a standing position. But anything she was doing was only by the grace of faith and the strength of Zone's arms.

"I... uh… I don't… Zone?" Her timid voice was scarcely audible between hurried breathes. "I think… TV… it…"

"Rinoa, honey, stop and look at me. You really need to focus right now."

He still didn't seem to get much of a response besides a few more incoherent words. Zone knew this was beyond difficult for her, but he had no idea to the degree in which her mind would respond. After a few more seconds that felt like an eternity, he picked her up and carried her back to the couch. She was in a seated position before he helped to recline her onto her back. Her movements mimicked those of a mannequin; he would position her and she wouldn't deviate from that spot.

"You'll make it through this, you always have. You just need to focus on my voice, Rinoa. Can you do that for me?"

After placing a pillow under her feet he moved over, grabbing a nearby quilt and covering her body. Slowly making his way back to her bedside, Zone carefully placed his hand on her cheek and touched it softly. He noticed her breathing had become so shallow that her chest didn't appear to be moving.

"Rinoa, listen. I'm here. I know this might not sound right coming from me, but the last thing he'd want you to do is to react like this. You need to keep it together."

He sat on the couch next to her until her complexion returned to a more natural hue. She barely acknowledged his presence or even his mere existence. A thousand memories flooded her thoughts; at the same time, she couldn't recall a single one. Times and places with Squall, they were memories that were not hers; she couldn't recall any specific details.

For a moment, she even doubted that he had ever existed outside the delusions of her mind. Her body was numb, void of everything ever known. A wave of nausea overtook her. Rinoa found her body moving by its own accord to a sitting position.

"I'm going to be-"

The young sorceress didn't have time to finish, quickly grabbing a nearby wastebasket. Turning his head, Zone gently held her hair back as she emptied the contents of her stomach. When she was finished, he went into the kitchen and located a clean dishtowel. After soaking it with cool tap water, he returned to the living room. Rinoa remained sitting, but still emotionally absent.

Angelo, in the meantime, had claimed the spot to her right, laying her chin on her master's lap. Zone handed Rinoa the washrag, though she didn't really even bother to reach out and accept it. He sighed outwardly taking up the vacant spot on her left. He didn't want to ask if she was okay, it was evident she was anything but - he really didn't know how to respond to the situation.

"I just…how? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Rinoa finally managed somewhat coherently. Besides the slight confusion hinted in her tone, she still seemed void of any feeling.

"Maybe they tried." Zone answered knowing that the younger woman hadn't been very accessible even if someone had tried to contact her. "We've been out of the office for quite awhile, then at the restaurant, and I don't know about you, but my mobile is off."

A lump formed in Rinoa's throat as she vaguely recalled the flashing red light on her answering machine. She had dismissed it so easily earlier, not wanting to be bothered tonight. It almost made her sick again; she believed it was yet another mistake that she could not wake from.

Without a word to Zone, she stood from the couch quickly making her way to the answering machine. Her hand trembled as she tried to find the courage to play the messages. Somehow she knew hearing it from a stranger over a television wouldn't feel as real as hearing it from a friend. Maybe they were calling her to let her know there had been a mix-up, she desperately wanted to believe that, but somehow she couldn't deny feeling the worse.

Her finger found the strength to push the button, as her body fought for the force to stand. Closing her eyes she let the nothingness surround her, letting that one last iota of hope slip past her mind.

The echo of the mechanical beep of the answering machine reverberated through her ears. She literally had flinched at the sound; it sounded a distant warning in her heart. There was a moment of static from the other end, and then a few broken sounds. She knew it was someone trying to find the words, but the silence took a good portion of the recording before she heard a voice and the first word.

"_Rin…"_

She had never heard Quistis sound so lost. It was with the shaken tone of the single word that her deepest fears were confirmed. The instructor never sounded so hopeless in her life, that wasn't who Quistis was. Whoever was speaking on the other end of the line certainly wasn't the woman Rinoa had come to love and respect. With one syllable, the instructor sounded like a forlorn child seeking comfort that could never be found.

"_Rinoa… I… This is Quistis. I… God, I didn't want to leave this on… please be there… are you?" _Another few moments of breathing before the instructor finally continued_. "I don't want you to hear this from… I, I can't…" _

Rinoa could hear something over the receiver, it sounded as if a hand was placed over the speaker. A few more muffled sounds resonated from the machine. Another person may have gathered that the phone was being passed around, but Rinoa knew better. She just listened to the silence, maybe it was the only calm her mind would allow before she heard the words that were now inevitable.

Maybe if she turned off the machine, she would never hear those words. If she didn't hear them then maybe they never happened. Maybe it was a childish plea, but that was all she had right now. Still, she couldn't do it. She had to hear the words for herself. She had to hear them, though her heart already believed.

"_Rinoa, it's me."_

Another voice came on the line, speaking with a little more conviction, but nonetheless filled with unspoken anguish. Irvine normally provided comfort and joy with his words, but at the moment they were like glass shards to Rinoa's ears.

"_We need to tell you something – because we feel that you have a right to know. I honestly wish these were words we'd never have to say sweetheart. I think you know by now, you're a strong girl Rinoa – please remember that.…" _There was a brief pause, but nothing overly done. _"Squall was killed in the line of duty today."_

Again, Irvine stopped speaking. There was pain and hurt in his voice, but he tried to remain calm. She could barely make out the distant cries of Quistis and Selphie in the background. They were soft, but their tears told Rinoa all she needed to know to face the bitter reality.

He was dead.

Squall Leonhart was now just a distant memory, in his own foreboding words – he would now be spoken of in the past tense.


	6. Rain When I Die, Fade Away, and Close Your Eyes

_ **Chapter Sixteen: Rain When I Die ** _

_It wasn't raining – yet. The clouds in the sky had threatened all day, but never found the will to follow through with their idle threat. The commander cared little about the current weather conditions, but still found himself looking at the gray skies hovering over the Alcauld Plains. Right now he was trying to remain passive, though the storm paralleled his current emotional state. His gaze turned from the window to his girlfriend, who was leisurely packing a suitcase in her room._

"_Rinoa seriously, we're driving twenty minutes away, is it necessary to pack your entire wardrobe?" _

_Leaning against the wall, Squall glanced between his watch and his girlfriend – wondering which was annoying him more, the constant tick of the second hand or her ability to torture him unduly. She was a born natural at it. _

"_Well you never can tell," she smiled giving him a quick peck on the cheek. It didn't quell his growing irritation, yet he made no outward signs of showing aggravation. "It's Balamb, you never know what the weather's going to be like."_

"_The same as it is here, damn it." _

_He was trying not to lose his temper; he didn't want to start of their weekend in an argument. Too many had started, though more had ended, that way. But really he thought, "What did it matter what the weather was like," how often did they really leave the hotel room anyhow?_

"_Rinoa, you know we need to get out here before we draw too much attention."_

"_Relax, do you think ten minutes makes that much difference either way, honestly?"_

_The sorceress sighed inwardly. She knew he was growing more impatient. He couldn't help that part of his personality any more than she could help being herself. The constant regimented lifestyle did get to her at times, more than she cared to admit to herself. Still she tried to play it off jokingly on most occasions. But the weekend was their time, usually one night, barely fourteen hours that they could be together. _

_She ignored the fact that he insistently brought a laptop and numerous files on their getaways. Within the walls of hotel's room, it was just them. Even if she was simply reading a book and he was working on SeeD duties, she felt a part of something – something amazing. It was the moments between the work and arguments, the intimate moments that went far beyond the act of anything physically that would linger beyond this lifetime. Those were the moments she had grown dependent on over the years. In the sanctity of the hotel, they were allowed to forget about the rest of the world, if only for a little while._

"_Honestly Rinoa, yes, ten minutes will make a huge difference. It's Friday afternoon, most senior cadets will be getting out of their last class of the day. In about five minutes, those not on field assignment will be more than likely making their way back from-"_

"_Gah, Stop! Please! I get it, someone might see you leaving with your girlfriend for the weekend. Trust me, you've made everything perfectly clear about appearances. Sometimes you are probably the most obsessive compulsive-"_

"_All right, all right," he mumbled apologetically knowing she was right. Rinoa was not a student or SeeD, not someone who should be expected to follow a timetable around his world. Why should it matter if the others saw him leaving with his girlfriend? He wasn't ashamed of her, in fact, it was quite the opposite. _

_He honestly hated when he couldn't separate that aspect of his life from her, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Sometimes it controlled him_ _ He just started thinking and couldn't stop to reason things that were the most obvious. _

"_I've had a headache all day, it's just getting worse."_

_He wasn't sure if his comment was implying she was the reason for his headache growing, though she did play a role in it. Again, he just wanted to avoid any argument before hand. It always seemed to be that one of them would say the wrong thing, or something was misinterpreted by the other, and the friction would start before they stepped foot outside of Garden. It was a relationship of fire and ice, neither would deny their differences – or the amazing and passionate chemistry formed by those very factors._

"_You know Squall, I do have the 'perfect' thing to get rid of your headache…"_

_She seductively slipped her fingers behind his neck, forcefully pulling him forward until their bodies touched and their foreheads rested against one another. Her fingers began to message the nape of his neck with just the right amount of pressure. She didn't elaborate verbally, only looked at her boyfriend with a devilish grin._

"_You mean?"_

"_Uh huh," she whispered pressing her body even closer to his, even going as far as wrapping a leg around him. She breathed softly into his ear, just enough so the small hairs stood on end from the warm tickle. "I'm ready to leave."_

"_Thank god." _

_He moved his hands around her waist and began to lift her, but only moved her in a semi circle – that was closest to her luggage after all. And he was rather efficient, even in his romantic affairs._

* * *

"That's all you're going to pack?"

The sound of Watts' question brought her back into the moment. Even in the simple act of packing she couldn't escape her memories. It seemed that everything Rinoa had done for the last three years could all be tied back to him.

"I don't know… I don't know what to take."

She looked at her closet, but nothing was registering. It was endless sea of colorful fabric that was meaningless to her. Her fingertips mindlessly moved along the rack feeling the consistency of each fabric. She felt most at ease with those with a texture like satin. It made no sense to her, but right now there was some comfort in the materials. Then again, nothing in her life made sense anymore.

The news had traveled quickly especially among those associated with any sort of political affiliation. Watts had left Dollet soon after the shooting; he was hoping to return to Timber to speak to Rinoa in person. There were some things that should not be said by strangers, or even the best intended phone calls. Though he didn't know at that time the condition of the commander's health. He had been there first hand to see him being taken away by the medics. He knew that his fate didn't bode well.

For two days after, both Zone and Watts had taken turns staying with her. She didn't remember though, most of the hours spent in a state of shock. She slept. They had given her medicine to help induce that. She didn't even remember dreaming, but maybe that too was for the better. Watt's wife had helped with the cooking and other household chores and his children were glad to look after Angelo.

That led her to packing at this moment. This evening she was leaving for Balamb. Tomorrow afternoon was the official funeral, along with countless other memorials throughout the days to follow. She knew she should have traveled there sooner. It was a selfish fear keeping her at home, along with the mind devouring confusion. Even picking out clothes proved an impossible task.

"I-I don't know what to wear. I mean, what do I wear? I don't – I can't…"

"Honey, listen to me. Nobody is going to care, anything you own will be fine. It's not about clothing, it's about being with your friends," comforted Watts.

He pulled her closer, letting her body fall against his. He didn't even think she was standing on her own accord, as most of her weight seemed to be shifted onto him. He tried to encourage her, but she was like a ghost in his presence. There was real no emotion behind her words, just lifeless sounds forced from her lips.

"They're going to be there. Right? My friends?" Her voice was barely audible.

"Yes Rinoa, they will," Zone reassured as he walked in the bedroom. He had made her travel arrangements and was taking care of the details. She didn't need to think about needless things. "I just left a message with Quistis. I want someone to pick you up at the station."

Zone moved over to where she was still being comforted in Watts' arms. He knew both of the men had offered to accompany her on the journey but with Watt's wife pregnant he didn't want to have his friend gone for too long. As close as the three of them had been, Watts now had a family that would have to come first.

Placing a hand on her back, Zone asked her again, "Rin, please let me come with you. I don't think you're in any condition to do this alone."

She shook her head. It didn't feel right, it simply didn't feel right. Honestly, nothing about this situation felt remotely right, but she needed to do this alone. She owed Squall that much. She walked out of that building on her own, and by god, she would walk back in one last time on her own. Maybe it was her burden to bare, to walk into Garden one last time. Alone.

* * *

It was the small things she noticed, all the things one takes for granted on every other occasion. She had been on a train numerous times. She had even lived on one for a short while, but she had never taken the time to notice the subtle nuances. The smell of fabric cleaner and disinfectant, mixed with the faint hint of diesel from the engine. The rhythmic sound as the train glided over the track. It wasn't the clickity-clack so often used to describe the sound, but rather an uneven gate as the train passed over switches and crossings. It wasn't a perfect beat, but it was perfect in its smoothness. The lighting was minimal. It was well late into the evening, the last train to leave Dollet for the night.

Aboard were a mismatch of passengers: families, businessmen and even a few Garden students returning from whatever mission they were assigned – or maybe returning to offer their condolences. She tried to put that aspect from her mind, though it was in the forefront of every thought.

The car was darkened and she felt as if she was hidden in the shadows. Even in the veiled sanctity of her isolation, she could hear the whispers, hear the talk about this week's events. She tried to look out the window, but only caught the reflection of a laptop of the person seated across the aisle. Of course the passenger was reading the news; more specifically, the story that the world could not stop talking about. There was Squall. Even looking out into the darkened night, she couldn't escape his image as it reflected ever so slightly on the window.

Was Fate that cruel of deity? Was Destiny that cruel of goddess that left her feeling this numb and barren on the earth?

_Numb. _

That was the best way to describe her. There was no hate, no anger, and even no remorse at the moment, there was simply nothing – nothing but disbelief in the reality. She always knew this day would come to pass. That somehow the connection they shared would finally sever completely. Somehow she hoped that the remnants of their bond would cling together for one last time.

She knew that night at the restaurant something was amiss. But whatever it was seemed to be in a transitional state, a connection never completely made. Was he trying to see her one last time? Or was that only a hope in her mind?

She carried too many uncertainties and not any solid resolutions. Now she had to return to where her happiness with him both began and ended. How would she face the others at Garden? What would she say to the accusing looks and questions the media would most likely pose? She scolded herself. Right now she was thinking only of her interest, when this tragedy wasn't about her. It was about him. Rinoa realized this was her final chance to say those words that haunted her every waking moment, those masking themselves in her endless doubts. She may have uttered the words as he danced gracefully on the floor with another, but this was the final chance to say it to _him_ – to the person that she used to love with every passion known.

"Goodbye Squall Leonhart."

* * *

The commander hated this, he hated everything about it – and 'hate' is not a word he used lightly. Too many people would suffer, all needlessly. Then what about when it was over? Was he just supposed to waltz back into Garden as if nothing had happened? He loathed the attention after Ultimecia's defeat, now the pressure would be that much greater. Garden would downplay the 'emotional deceit' aspect, and only focus on what a great sacrifice he had made once again for the safety of the world's citizens. The ever popular fucking hero they so desperately needed. He doubted sometimes if this was much about catching an alleged serial killer, than finding fiscal stability for the next ten years.

Now he was in a wheelchair. He could walk, but he was 'ordered' otherwise. It still hurt a hell of a lot, but at least he felt as if he should be allowed some independence. He had earned that much with his own blood. At least the painkillers they prescribed to him seemed to be doing their job, quite nicely given his current circumstance. Cid was pushing him down the corridor, which seemed rather symbolic if you asked him. It appeared Squall wasn't even allowed freewill in his own 'death.'

Zell's shoulder was still bandaged and he wore a sling, at least for the time being. It helped remind the martial artist not to wildly flail his arms - which was quite a feat. Squall figured that maybe the medical center didn't stock straightjackets. It was a shame; it might have come in extremely useful over the course of the mission.

At least he was away from that damn room; it had started to feel more like a prison as each hour crept by. It had only been two days, but it felt as if he had stared at those ceiling tiles since the dawn of recorded time. Now at least he would have another mind-numbing image to help occupy the space in his nightmares.

The three men had traveled in silence from Squall's room to the elevator; even Zell remained strangely composed during the trip. It wasn't until they emerged from the lift into the lower level of the parking garage that the martial artist began asking questions

"Headmaster… if you and Squall are both here, who's watching Garden?"

"Xu, she returned from Trabia almost immediately. Their commander is standing in as acting headmaster for as long as necessary," Cid answered.

The older man was glad to break the tension; he knew that his subordinate was less than thrilled with this assignment. After being back at Garden for nearly forty-eight hours, Cid started to witness the emotional ramifications firsthand. As a leader he knew this deception was necessary, but as a near lifelong guardian, it pained him to see Squall's friends in such turmoil. And as a husband, comforting Edea through her tears, the façade was nearly killing him. It was easy to give an order spur of the moment, but to live with its consequences tore him apart.

This wasn't the first time he had given a difficult order. He also knew it wouldn't be his last. Even with his retirement looming, he doubted this place would truly ever let him live at peace. A part of him lied within each student, and he felt loss with each and every causality.

It was a truth; a truth that each one who ever stepped foot into Garden's program knew all too well. They had been damn lucky through the battle with Ultimecia, though causalities to all three Gardens were major, Trabia being the most significant. At least Galbadia and Balamb Gardens stood a chance. It was the chance to defend themselves against their attackers – even if _their attackers_ were one another. Trabia had no chance to defend itself from such a heartless, cowardly act. Some things shall never be forgotten.

Cid knew this course was the best for Squall, but certainly not for the headmaster's conscious.

Zell had not been blind to the heaviness in the air, but if this was a mission, they would need briefing – or at least a clue where to begin. The martial artist felt the need to break the tension again. He was not one who dealt well with the silence.

"So, headmaster, where exactly are we headed now?"

"You'll be heading back to Balamb undercover, obviously. I want you to watch everything that takes place during Squall's funeral. There might be some minute detail that will register with either of you - something that our regular security teams would easily overlook. Watch every person like they are suspect, right now, we can't rule anybody out. There's a good chance the killer will attend, as I mentioned to Squall earlier."

"You mean everyone is a suspect, as in our friends?" questioned Zell.

Cid suppressed a small laugh, "Well, I certainly hope not. Just see who attends, especially those who seem out of place."

"Good, glad to know you don't think it's one of them – I still owe Irvine a hundred Gil, though even this would seem a little extreme for nonpayment." Zell tried to lighten the mood.

Cid smiled, "And I hopefully wouldn't think Irvine wouldn't miss _you _so badly, he should be a little better shot than that."

The martial artist made a scoffing sound regarding Irvine's talents as a sharpshooter.

"Anyway, back to your question about the mission, Zell. Right now we're heading to one of our surveillance vans that you two will be using as your headquarters. It's parked right over there."

As they turned the corner, Squall and Zell both noticed there was only one vehicle parked in the parking lot.

"Here we go gentlemen, I want introduce you to your new home away from home."

"No way!" Zell exclaimed a little too boisterously before covering his mouth. Although it well after midnight, and they were in a secured parking garage, drawing needless attention wouldn't be the wisest move.

There ominously sat a van with a bouquet of roses detailed onto its side along with eloquent calligraphy writing, _"Forever in Bloom, Flowers &amp; Gifts."_

"You're kidding right, you don't really expect for us to **live** in _that_?"

Zell remained hopeful staring at the lone vehicle, because maybe there was very large camper parked behind the van... right?

"I mean it can't be _that_, because… because there are flowers on it… I mean… _**no way**_… flowers!"

"Apparently the two florists in Balamb couldn't handle all the incoming requests. A lot of orders were outsourced to other cities. This vehicle is perfect for blending in with all the other flower shops making deliveries."

"Glad the local economy could benefit from my death."

It was the first words that Squall had spoken since being wheeled from his room. At this point he didn't care what he had to do. He just wanted to do whatever he was told.

What he was best at – follow other's orders.

* * *

Her mobile phone was turned off, it was late and she could at least extend that courtesy to the other passengers. Plus, Rinoa didn't want to draw any more attention to her presence – just in case. Maybe she should have taken up the offer by both Zone and Watts to accompany her. Right now she had never felt so alone or confused in her life.

The lights of the countryside looked like fireflies streaking quickly in the nighttime. Amber and white hues mixed as a trail of light was left in the otherwise eternal darkness. The young woman reached for her necklace slowly letting her fingers pinch along the chain. It was rough, uneven, a parallel to everything in her life. Her fingernails scraped over the chain, getting caught slightly with each interlocked link. She finally reached her ring, the platinum band once worn by her mother. Right now it was her only light in a world of darkness and numbness.

Her thumb idly caressed the outside, as her mind tried not reason that there had once been another ring accompanying her mother's heirloom. She had given it back. It wasn't hers, it never was. It was only rented, a loan made without the collateral of his heart.

She closed her eyes. She wanted to feel something.

When her mother died she felt as if she had a guardian angel watching her every move. At night, when she would say her prayers as a child, she felt her mother's presence surrounding her heart. That helped guide her into the woman she had eventual grown into. But now, as she clasped desperately at her ring – she felt nothing.

It was as if her knight had never existed in this world, or even the next. She silently prayed that whatever deity was watching in the heavens would offer the smallest sign. Rinoa just wanted to have some hope that Squall had found the peace he had always sought while he was still alive. She wanted the hope that he was up there looking down on her… well, watching and guiding all his friends. But there was nothing. She felt dark, scared, and alone. There were no guardian angels right now. He was not there to give her the comfort that he so often did when they were together.

There was nothing.

"_We are now approaching Balamb station. Please gather your personal belongings. Make sure to place all trash in the receptacles in the front of the cars. We hope you enjoyed your ride and thank you for your patronage."_

If she could use her sorceress power for anything, she would. If somehow this train could go in reverse toward Timber, it would be a blessing. Maybe if it turned back, by some act of the fates, time would rewind. None of this nightmare would have happened.

Her life was not a wish.

When the train made its way into the station, she sat helplessly in her seat. If she made these last few steps into Balamb, actually touched the soil, it would be real. She didn't want real. She wanted the illusions and memories that at least would allow her some false comfort.

"Do you need some help, Miss?" A conductor asked. She had not noticed that everyone else had left and she was sitting by herself.

Help? She didn't need help. She needed a goddamn miracle right now.

"I'm sorry… long day," Rinoa replied trying to offer a faint smile.

"I hear you. This is my second round trip today. Can't wait to grab some shuteye."

"Yeah, I can imagine," she responded kindly. Though her first thoughts were not about this man's sleeping habits, that quite frankly, would be a godsend in problems.

"Just let me know if you need assistance," the man offered with a courteous nod.

She finally made her way into the station. It was by no means crowded; Balamb at this hour of night wasn't exactly the epitome of excitement. She only had one bag, which she carried over her shoulder. If you had asked her how she had traveled from Timber to Balamb, she could vaguely recall fragments and pieces, but couldn't give you a definite answer. She didn't even remember boarding the train in the first place. Maybe it was all for the better.

In that instant she wanted to run, she revisited her earlier thoughts of taking the train back to Timber. Hell, there was even a brief instant she thought about hijacking the engine; she had done it before outside of D-District prison. She'd make that stupid thing take her away from this place. Take her away from where it all started one spring evening under a shooting star. She was strong, but she was never as strong as she was with him. She needed that strength she found only with him right now.

Off to the side of the platform she saw Quistis approaching, Selphie not far behind. They both had come for her; they had come to save her from herself at this point. Maybe she didn't want to do this, but maybe she had to. She had them. Right now that was all she had, they were family. It was obvious they had been hurting too. She had never seen either of them look so broken. Quistis tried to mask it, but the instructor wore her emotions plainly. Selphie, never hid from hers.

They would all make it through this; they would find strength in each other. She couldn't do it alone, but she would find the will to do it for them. Tomorrow was growing closer and she feared the sun's arrival most of all. It would be final. It would be real.

Squall Leonhart was never coming home.

* * *

* * *

_**Foreword:**_ I wanted to thank Erica (Emerald Latias) for being my new beta on this chapter; I thank you more than you know. Also of course thanks to Nicole who stands by me through everything. You guys are awesome!

_ **Chapter Seventeen: Fade Away** _

"_Life often comes down to choice. Sometimes it's impossible to make the right one, especially if you're incapable of understanding everything that's at stake." The headmaster's voice was stern and held authority. It always had since that first star ridden night at Garden._

"_You don't understand…" Rinoa tried to reason, but inside she knew everything was slipping from her grasp. _

_The allegations that he made against her would never hurt less. The guilt could never truly subside. If she had been at all culpable (either unintentionally or partially) that simple reality may have already changed everything. Maybe the fate of her relationship had been sealed that day in Esthar or even that last day in Balamb; a decision had already been reached, even if she couldn't comprehend the reasoning behind it. _

_SeeD was drilled into Squall's persona. It was a consequence of his nature. Everything had changed during those months abroad; intuition had warned her that much the night before his departure. Yet her truths now weren't concrete, she could offer no more evidence than the emotions she had grown to accept as fact. _

_Feelings weren't evidence; they were mere fallacies in the eyes of reason._

"_Don't I understand? I believe I do more than anyone. Sometimes the greatest strength is in letting go… You know what's right, Rinoa. Now is the time you have to decide - do you want what is best for him or best for you?"_

_Cid's response teetered on the edge of bitterness as he tried to offer her guidance. Rinoa didn't want sage advice right now, she needed assurances and hope. Hope in the life she built, hope in the fairytale she had believed as truth. She'd be damned if she was going to get that here. The truth that she wasn't a part of the inner culture at Garden was never more apparent._

"_If I… If I go through with this… will he-"_

_Her words were cut short, but what could she say anyhow? Their way wasn't her way of life. Still, her knight would never let this happen… they were too strong together. Even if she agreed, he'd fight. Though everything, he'd fight… he'd follow her no matter where she went. Cid was wrong. He wouldn't blindly follow orders, not when it came to her. _

"_What? Rinoa… what?"_

_His voice was demanding, yet struggled equally for composure. _

"…_Rinoa?"_

"_Can you help him?" It was all she could manage. "If I leave, will it really help him?"_

"Rinoa…?"

It wasn't the same voice calling from her dreams; it was softer and pleasantly more inviting. Still, the desperation she had felt overwhelmed her body and the emotions held true. Rinoa's chest tightened and her heart raced as she drifted weakly between the two planes.

"Help him," she softly cried into her pillow gasping to catch her breath.

"Rinoa," the instructor spoke a little louder trying to wake her from her slumber.

Quistis could see that even in her sleep, Rinoa had found a way to deny the mourning. Whether the recalled memories were good or bad, it wasn't for the instructor to intrude upon.

"Quistis?" the sorceress managed, still caught in the bonds of slumber.

For that moment in time, Rinoa forgot everything that pained her. Forgot the reason she was in Balamb and the memories her dreams held. Most of all, she forgot the confusion and emptiness that clouded her emotions.

"Why are you here?"

Rinoa had lost the cognitive ability to understand space and time. _She was in Timber_…where everything was… fine. Safe.

"I… I let you sleep in as long as possible, but you need to start getting dressed."

The blonde gently smoothed the sorceress's hair, carefully tucking long strands behind her ears. At times the instructor acted the part of mother or caretaker, but the role she most coveted was that of friend. The two had not come easily to this point, Rinoa and Quistis had both parallel and intersecting goals, but somehow they found unity and built a stable relationship on that foundation.

Quistis could see the torment plainly written on her friend's face. She was curious though, who was the younger girl asking for help and why? The way Rinoa softly begged she could tell the plea was heartfelt and desperate. Quistis would never question something she was never meant to overhear. But, she would always be there if Rinoa needed to confide in someone. And something told the instructor that there were many discoveries waiting to be told amongst this tragedy.

"_Dressed, for what?"_ Rinoa thought groggily.

Did she have a referendum hearing that Zone neglected to tell her about? She had been working on that transportation bill, but… Wait, why was Quistis in her bedroom anyhow? Something didn't feel right. The bed, the mattress, something felt foreign… Then there was the feeling of hopelessness. This wasn't Timber…

"Rinoa honey, you need to wake up."

The instructor, herself, barely found the strength to keep her emotional balance in check. How was she to keep up this façade throughout the entire mourning process? Quistis always felt as if she was on the outside looking in and Rinoa now found her entire existence from the viewpoint of an outsider. How could they support one another?

Then again, Quistis surmised, maybe the two now shared common ground. Both were considered outsiders in Squall's personal life. Neither had been placed in this position by their will, but their positions decided by him and circumstance.

Rinoa often fought with her inner being, why did it feel that her life was left unfinished? They had been apart three years, her knight had obviously moved on… Still, there was always that lingering hope. Maybe it was the same hope that someone feels when they wish upon the first star of the evening. The hope in the endless possibility that there is magic in this world and that somehow, you will be granted just a speck of its brilliance.

But what happens when the stars fade and you're left with nothing?

Realization.

Rinoa was mad at Squall Leonhart.

She was mad at him for living, mad at him for loving, and most of all mad at him for dying. It was unreasonable, sure, she knew this. It wasn't like death was his choice. Still, it didn't lessen her anger at him for this final act of what she perceived as betrayal in one form or another.

As she walked into the bathroom, Rinoa stared at the reflection in the mirror. Who was she anymore? Sometimes she felt like a distant shadow of the person she was a months ago. Even at Selphie and Irvine's wedding she knew herself.

It was only a few months prior when she and her former knight had talked in Balamb. It was the first civilized exchange since their breakup.

"_I have to know if you're all right." _

The night after the wedding, he had asked her that question. It was late, two proud adults refusing to yield defeat under the moon's relenting watch. She recalled how his eyes had conveyed sympathy. She had played 'his act' off as nothing more than guilt that evening - maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. That mystery of that truth was something else she was never destined to understand.

"_I'm fine, Squall. Don't worry about me. Your duty to me ended years ago." _

She had her pride and dignity. She would never show weakness to him again. Yet even as she answered, deep inside she wanted to cry out the truth. Even deeper than that, she had this foolish notion that maybe, _just maybe_, that he still needed her. That he still loved her.

It was pride that kept her out of touch for so many years. As she had mentioned then, they were not the type of couple to remain friends. Well, maybe that had more to do with the circumstances of her departure. They all had their secrets and she faithfully kept his. Now she had to come face to face with her demons, both the Headmaster and SeeD would see her as something she truly wasn't. One because of choice, the other because of circumstance.

Now her allegiance was to no one, beside that of his memory. But that would have to be enough, the world would have their hero, she would faithfully fill the role of villain. .

But she came to realize, wasn't she still relying on _something_? Hope.

Now that all hope in a reunion had been abandoned, she would have to rely on something else. Deep down, she knew she could do it, knew she had to do it, but realization and reality were two separate entities.

Maybe this is the pain destined to accompany a sorceress, to feel a loss greater than words, to abandon the last shred of hope.

* * *

To any other onlooker it was just another delivery van among a convoy of others. Nobody probably gave the vehicle a second glance as they marched solemnly by. It was of little importance in the grand scheme of things; however the two figures residing inside of it were of the utmost importance.

Squall and Zell had made their way to Balamb in the predawn hours and managed to get a relatively close parking space. Of course, not too close, as to avoid the areas with the heaviest foot traffic. With a few minor adjustments of the equipment here and there, the veteran SeeDs had already tapped into the feeds of the 'surveillance team' of Balamb Garden: six video and three separate audio feeds, including one linked directly to the coffin. These were on top of the normal security measures taken daily.

The two had managed a few hours sleep amid the preparations for this morning. Squall seemed unaffected by the situation outwardly. Inwardly, he seemed to categorize any emotions as superfluous and as a possible hindrance to the success of his mission.

The martial artist scrounged through bag that contained their rations and a few other assorted odds and ends. He finally pulled out a vacuumed-sealed pastry which he believed may have been a bear claw. It was a small victory, but it was better than freeze dried cereal.

"So how we goin' do this undercover thing anyhow? I mean even with a disguise people might notice my tattoo and all. Not to mention your hair, not many people can have that style and actually pull it off," Zell commented.

When he was met with silence he expanded on his question. "I mean, besides sitting in the van, what do you think Headmaster Cid expects us to do? Make-up, wigs, what do you think the next step is in all this?"

There was a pause, though not long enough, before Zell blurted out the next words, "I'm not wearing a dress!"

Squall didn't verbally reply, only gave him a sideway glance. It wasn't exactly where the commander's mind went when he thought of 'undercover work' and there was a part of him that feared for Zell with that comment. If he wasn't so bitter about this whole 'funeral' situation, he would have informed Zell that he would be forced to wear a maid's outfit.

Instead, Squall stated the obvious, "How about stay in the van and watch the video feeds. If that doesn't work, we will discuss the logical course for the next step."

"Oh yeah… that sounds good… sorry," meekly replied Zell.

The blond was by no means claustrophobic but being cooped up with Squall in a van was already taking its toll. The martial artist's automatic defense was to speak at times when he became more nervous. This entire situation had been extremely difficult on him too, though he knew he was about the furthest causality from this war.

So at times like this Zell did what he did best, randomly brought up subjects that entered his mind. Not particular the wisest of moves, but under the circumstances he could find no other outlet of coping with the anxiety.

"So uh, what kind of food do you think they'll have? Honestly, I don't know about you, but I was kinda interested in what sorts of food would be served at your funeral. I mean, do you think they'll stick to the regular cafeteria menu or think they had it catered?"

"That was the thought foremost on my mind," grumbled the commander, becoming increasingly agitated.

The martial artist fiddled with some wires hanging from a transponder. After all these years, he felt the need to touch things, even when the timing wasn't the most opportune. He should have been clued into Squall's sarcastic reply before, but again nature overtook reason.

"So, uh… how do you think today's going to go?"

Zell's question was just met with a lethal glare this time.

"You're right, stupid question… sorry, again."

Zell just needed something to break the mounting tension and he certainly couldn't think of a useful thing to say under these circumstances. The martial artist watched as a large floral spray was being carried in by two delivery men; it had been artistically arranged in the shape of the SeeD emblem.

"Wow, I didn't know they could that creative with flowers, do you see that!" He emphatically pointed to the monitor nearly hitting Squall in the nose.

The commander gritted his teeth. He couldn't stand this idle chitchat any longer. He didn't care about food, flowers, weather, or any other useless subject that Zell was likely to bring up. He just wanted this thing over with.

"Goddamn it, why didn't the headmaster send Quistis to Dollet with me?"

The comment wasn't intended to upset Zell, though he couldn't help but feel a little hurt. True, Quistis probably would have been more efficient and less verbal during the surveillance. Zell was still more than capable; they just had different ways of working.

"I dunno, Squall," answered Zell, finishing off his breakfast, "maybe this is all fate. You never know."

That was the last straw. Squall lunged from his chair ignoring the throbbing pain as he made such a sudden movement. Nothing seemed to matter anymore as he was numb from the last days. There wasn't much room inside, but Squall managed to push Zell forcefully against the divider of the van.

"What is fate? Tell me?" Squall hissed. "That I'm trapped in this van with you? That everyone I know thinks I'm dead? Maybe everyone would have been better off if that bullet had just done its damn job."

The martial artist held his ground. He knew that the commander was speaking irrationally, but he knew he had also been a catalyst to the event. "Don't say that Squall. I'm just saying maybe it's fate that you've been given another chance to realize what is important. Maybe when this is over you'll drop this tough guy act and be the one to swallow your pride."

"You don't know a damn thing!"

"I know one thing," Zell managed as it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. "Look."

Normally Squall wouldn't have turned his head from a captive, but Zell certainly wasn't a threat, at least physically. Instinctively the commander looked at the video feeds as there were several. He glanced at each one as if he was skimming the words of a novel until his eyes settled on the fourth one. It wasn't very evident to the casual observer; in fact, he was secretly impressed with how astute Zell's eyesight had been while being pinned against the interior. Still in the corner of the screen was someone who made him question everything he ever knew, Rinoa Heartilly.

Was it some twisted and sick world in which he was glad to see her? Was it bad that some part of him feared that she wouldn't come to his funeral? Was that alone not a warped glance into his own declining mental state?

It was still early and only a few scattering of people had shown, yet she had found her way there. Should he have been looking for his father, adoptive sister, or the woman he currently shared his bed with at times? Yes, probably… but he wasn't. He only watched her. It was wrong, he knew that. God did he know it.

He freed Zell from his hold, never averting his eyes from the figure on the monitor.

"Rinoa…"

He couldn't help the small smile that crept on his lips as her name slipped from his lips. This feeling wasn't right, he realized. Yet he was trapped in this game, just as others were. She could never forgive him before, after this, she would never speak to him again.

* * *

She didn't wear black. Maybe it was too clichéd and tried. Maybe that was the color that he used to wear when they first met and it was honored for his memories. She didn't wear dark blue. That was the color reserved for SeeD. She wasn't one. She never wanted to be one. That was their world, certainly not hers. She couldn't wear red; that was just too flamboyant for a funeral. The last thing she wanted to do was to stand out. She would do that enough without any aid in her attire. White and cream were out for obvious reasons, not the time or place, and she certainly didn't speak of innocence.

So in some morose way, her train of thought had ended with a suit in forest green. Green was the color of life, the color of the trees and the planet, the color of spring and eternal hope. She had lost it, but for him she had to offer what little she could, even in the choice of fabric.

After Quistis had left, she had quickly showered and dressed. She didn't spend much time on make-up and even less time on her hair. She pulled it into a simple upswept bun. She just needed to get there. Why? She didn't know. But maybe if she had a few minutes to talk to him before the others arrived… now might be her best chance before she drew too much attention.

She closed her eyes, aware that the few attendees already there were probably judging her - for being there, for walking away, for never being strong enough to admit the truth. Maybe it was easier for her to let the population think she was guilty, rather than the one whose only reason for abandonment – was for salvation. It was easier to be the bitch than to be the one who single-handedly brought on the downfall of Balamb's esteemed commander. She didn't know why the lies bothered her so much, but she felt that keeping his failures were the least she could do. Not to have his credibility taken away in a single brush stoke on the canvas.

Now she had finally returned to Garden and he wasn't here. Well, his body may have been, but she figured that his spirit was far beyond this place. Whispers and faint comments were heard, even at something as solemn as a funeral. It didn't matter. She was where she needed to be, where her heart needed to be. She had to believe deep inside that part of him would want her here... God she hoped. If not, she was a bigger fool than all of them thought.

As she neared where the coffin rested, two female cadets looked at her and then moved away. She saw them glance back; she knew they were probably whispering something about her. At least they had given her some privacy, she was thankful for that. She had never thought about what type of casket he would have, then again, she never thought about things like that. When her mom died, her father had taken care of the arrangements as she, of course, was way too young. Yet she remembered what it looked like, every detail. Now she would remember another coffin with vivid clarity.

She found herself standing at arm's length from his casket. At first she felt nothing, her mind in denial. Then it happened, an intense loss surged throughout her body. It was everything – and it was nothing. She found the strength to travel those last steps. Her hand trembled as it reached outward from her body. The lacquered mahogany felt like acid to her fingertips, yet she couldn't stop herself from touching it.

It was then that the abundant fragrance from the numerous bouquets reached her senses. What stood out the most were the roses, arrangement after arrangement of roses. It was a foul smell that made her want to retch on its odor. She choked back the bile rising from her stomach. It was every nightmare etherealizing in one horrid moment of clarity. He was never coming back; there was no hope, no sliver of optimism every time someone knocked at her door.

Then she realized this was here deepest fear. The coffin felt cold and harsh, a stark contrast to how she remembered his touch - warm, loving, and most importantly, full of life. Some part of her wanted to see him, to see his features once more. It was a morbid curiosity, maybe an act of finality... but she soon realized that acceptance could never come.

Her fingers traced the edges of the flag adorning the coffin. It was an embroidered with black and white SeeD emblem. She could feel every strand of thread beneath her fingers. It was appropriate as his job remained the single most important thing to him, even to his final day. He died for what he believed in and for a soldier there could be no greater honor. But for her, there was no bigger waste of human life. It wasn't in war, it wasn't in battle, and it wasn't even dignified in her eyes... shot down mercilessly by a cowardly assassin.

She remembered the wedding, watching him dance with someone who wasn't her. She thought of their last conversation under the stars of Balamb. Would she have acted different if she had known it was his last days of life? Would he have acted differently?

God, she wanted to touch his skin one last time. Wanted to feel his hands wrapped around her, she would have given anything – her life, her soul, even her eternal happiness just to have that chance. This was, for all intents and purposes, the last time they would be together in the same room.

"Squall..." Her voice was barely audible, "Why?"

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Eighteen: Close Your Eyes ** _

Somehow, by seeing Rinoa there, it brought the commander's reality to light. There had already been tears shed by mourners, some real and some crocodile. He had to stand as a witness desperately trying to block out any emotional attachment to the scene. When Squall thought of his friends in attendance, he empathized and felt terribly guilty about putting them through this facade. Still, it was bearable, as sick and twisted as that may sound. They were SeeDs and a certain amount of emotional detachment was expected out of each of them. They knew and understood the risks; it was the foundations of most of their existence.

But she never saw him as_ just_ a SeeD.

Sure, on the outside she knew his position; it was his duty after all. But years ago she had seen beyond his exterior into his soul, beyond the fabric of his uniform. He dared never to admit to himself that he missed being viewed as something other than a military leader or as a good friend. To be loved completely without hesitation, to be held unconditionally in her arms.

When they were together, it was lust and passion, it was fire and ice, and it was beauty and love. She saw every one of his scars, more than the physical ones adoring his body and she accepted them with loving gentleness.

He could never blame her, and at times, he didn't blame himself completely. It was circumstances and fate. It was his destiny and all those around him who saw him only as a soldier. And he was that soldier, for them. Them alone. It may have been duty, loyalty or it may have been a sense of allegiance to Cid and Edea for raising him. Hell, it was easily his commitment to Garden. It was his home after all, the only life he had ever known.

Still, all his training had never prepared him for the emotions he felt around her - the confusion, frustration, or even the anger. Their love certainly wasn't perfect. There was no such thing as perfect love to him or her, only the ability to accept one another and all their faults… He just couldn't travel this path of self-doubt again. He had to stop this.

He was tired.

He was tired back in Esthar and he was tired now. He was tired of fighting the battle between the emotions and solidarity. He had come to Garden when he was five and since then, it was the only life he knew. Training hour upon hour, day upon day, and week upon week – it was an infinite cycle. Then at seventeen he was made commander. Seventeen – he was still an adolescent unable to fully grasp the responsibilities expected of him. Over half a decade later, he still led the people he often tried to purposely overlook. They all worshiped him, more so for his abilities than his personality. They mistook quietness for cockiness and loneliness for competence and he never corrected them.

He brushed back those thoughts and quickly grabbed a headset resting on a nearby panel. He could barely make out her features; she was still too far off in the distance. Of course, he and Zell _should have_ already been watching for anything suspicious, but attitudes and breakfast pastries had already taken their toll. He was aware that every video and audio feed was being recorded. They were going to be sitting through countless hours of staring at a monitor. And so he allowed himself this chance, only because he may never get one again.

"I can't believe she showed." His words were uttered quietly, though not truthfully to Zell. It was more speaking out loud as if to reassure himself than anything else.

"You honestly didn't think she'd come?"

"I don't know. I just didn't think."

"Well, maybe that's your problem."

The commander bit back a spiteful reply. He wasn't sure if he was more upset with Zell making the comment, or the fact that he may have been telling some form of the truth. When Squall had voiced his disbelief, it was something that just slipped out at her presence. It wasn't thought out or planned, but it didn't mean the martial artist's comment was any less true however. Maybe if Squall had truly studied the subtleties of life more, his thought process may not have always been so negative.

When it was obvious she was heading toward the casket, he immediately felt the acid rise from his stomach. He was responsible for her this pain; he was just sitting back and letting her suffer this fate. Letting them all suffer. And he still sat there, unable to act on his own free will. He could end the lie in one swift act, but that was not what he was trained to do.

So he sat in a small van letting his friends and family endure the pain. He couldn't even allow her solitude in this moment. He watched her, invading her privacy. He knew this betrayal was immoral on so many levels. And even though he knew it was wrong, so very, very wrong, he couldn't help but give into his weakness. It was the one he tried to deny that it existed. He tried to reaffirm his action by thinking it would be inevitable to have to listen and watch all the recordings. So, by some abstract reasoning, he was doing his job by monitoring her.

* * *

It had been less than a minute, but it felt as if a millennia's worth of pain had set it. Rinoa stood there, holding onto that one small shard of hope which remained. That somehow, _someday_, they would see each other again in a place where both had found peace. She knew he would never want her to feel this way. She knew that he disliked this whole process, especially when it was nothing more than pomp and circumstance. Squall Leonhart would downright hate what was happening here today – and that was a word she rarely heard him use. Beside a selected few, these people didn't know him.

He wouldn't even like the damn flowers. She nearly laughed at what his reaction would be to the hundreds of bouquets lining the ballroom. He would believe that it was both a waste of money and nature. She truthfully despised the flowers too – but for far more personal reasons.

The young woman reached forward to a nearby bouquet. It was an enormous spray of lilies, roses, snapdragons, and orchards. Hell, would Squall even know what a snapdragon was? Probably not, but at least he'd think the name sounded more masculine than 'lily.' Her fingers delicately edged along the petals of the rose that seemed to stand out from the others. No matter how much she disliked the representation of the flower, it was easier to look at then the coffin. Without thought, at least consciously, she plucked the rose from the arrangement.

Maybe she needed something in her hands to keep her fingers occupied. Standing here was harder than anything she had ever faced. It felt as if a hundred needles pierced her body simultaneously. She needed to talk to him, to say those last words she never had the courage to do in life. Her mind screamed that time was running out. She had been a coward to face him in life; she refused to do the same in death.

"Squall... Why? It just seems so unfair, but it was never fair, was it? None of your life has been… You deserved so much more."

It was the first time in awhile she could feel the tears trailing down her cheeks. It wasn't that she hadn't had the desire to cry, but until now, her body lacked the strength to even do that. At one point she thought there was no emotion left in her, but apparently, the feelings had resurfaced.

Her heart was an emotional rollercoaster; it felt as if at times she was freefalling to this earth. At others, she could feel the anger building, anger at life, anger at her, and anger towards him. She didn't want any of these feelings.

"How? How could you leave... you _promised_." She hadn't meant to emphasize the word. It sounded so bitter and resentful to her. She choked out a sob – the result of trying to catch her breath. "I remember the first time I saw you... so beautiful... your eyes... I saw everything in them."

"Rinoa?"

The young woman tensed immediately as someone spoke her name. She found herself embarrassed and ashamed. She tried in a futile attempt to wipe the tears from her face, but it was a losing battle. It was completely natural, but at that moment, she felt as if she had no right to mourn. These people saw him every day, worked with him, were his friends. She hadn't spoken to him in the course of near three years.

Rinoa finally managed to turn towards the source of the interruption and was surprised to see Xu. At least it was someone who wouldn't treat her with disrespect. Xu was a constant professional. Although she had moved to Trabia to be the Headmistress, her ethics and decorum never waned. Her appearance and conduct were always immaculate, even on such a solemn occasion.

"Rinoa, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need a moment of your time."

Biting her lip, the sorceress nodded a silent reply.

"I know today is going to be difficult, but I was wondering would it be possible to meet me in Cid's office later this evening?"

"Yeah," Rinoa whispered. It never occurred to her to question Xu's motives for asking. She was certainly not of the soundest mind right now.

"He'll be missed." Xu then bowed respectfully toward the casket.

Rinoa was glad that the older SeeD didn't say, _"I'm sorry." _She remembered that from countless funerals, starting with her mother's. Everyone was always saying they were sorry; she was so tired of hearing those damn words. Of course they were _sorry_, what else could they say? At least Xu had not responded with such clichéd sympathies. Then again, given her profession, Xu had more than likely been to more funerals than any one person should have to attend.

The sorceress managed a smile as a nonverbal reply. Rinoa realized she was still holding the flower and carefully stepped back to the coffin. Placing the rose on the center of the SeeD emblem, she too respectfully bowed toward the casket, mirroring the respect of the headmistress. There was more she wanted to say, but as she looked around the room many guests had arrived. A few students were making their way to the casket and she knew that whatever chance of privacy she had was now lost.

There was later. His body was not to be transported for burial until the last memorial. She would find the time after the service when the masses had thinned. Then she realized something which she had not considered. Where was he to be buried? It was something that they had never discussed, even in an occupation with so many variables. She wondered if he would opt for Winhill, where his mother was buried. Or would he stay in Balamb? That choice may not be his own anymore.

Wherever it was, she hoped that it would be somewhere he would be in peace.

* * *

"Who the hell are all these people?" The martial artist watched as mourners were seated by ushering SeeDs. "Were you like on the 'A' list of the social party scene?"

The commander shook his head in reply. It truthfully disgusted him. Most of these attendees were the same politicians who opposed Garden at every turn. Why turn so such a false face in shallow grief?

"I think I should be honored just to be friends with such popular guy."

"Don't be," Squall curtly replied. "It's all just lies."

It was too. The lies he was used to living and dealing with on a daily basis. It was the falsities of campaign promises, which really amounted to nothing but to the lowest bidder. SeeD excelled in that category. Lives for cash, no true allegiance except to the mighty Gil.

Truth be told, his mind was still thinking about the words Rinoa had said. She sounded so… God, he just couldn't even begin to describe how she sounded; it was beyond anything he had ever heard. There was something in her voice. He wasn't positive what it was, but it was unlike anything he had ever heard before. Desperation, grief, anger – any or all of them?

"_How could you leave? You promised."_

He had promised, but what were promises anyhow? Whispers of his conscious manifested in words. It was with experience and age that he learned that promises are never meant to be verbal, but only 'spoken' through action. Words were for the weak, for those searching for reassurance, like him. If he had truly made a promise, it would have been fulfilled by his actions.

If he could go back in time, he would have never spoken that promise. Instead, he would have only held her, held her until their souls bound completely with one another. It would have never been through mere words as they turned out to be empty. His thoughts were interrupted by the ring of a mobile phone, which had been among the van's contents.

"Man, is that the phone?"

Apparently, the annoying digital ring was not enough of a clue for his fellow SeeD. Once again Squall wanted to slam Zell into the nearest wall, but instead settled on running a hand through his hair. It was another habit he had acquired while stressed, usually trying to keep his cool about something, or someone. He knew this wasn't Zell's fault. He too was placed here by circumstance, but couldn't he actually think about the words coming out of his mouth before he said them?

Neither knew who would be calling, but it was probably placed in here for a purpose. "Should I answer it?" Zell questioned staring at the small electronic device.

"Yes."

"Sure you don't want to?"

"I'm dead, remember? Just answer the damn phone," Squall growled now trying what patience he had to the limit.

Answering cautiously, Zell's voice was barely recognizable. Squall halfheartedly listened, still watching Rinoa's actions on the monitor. He had wondered when Xu approached her, but given their former relationship, it wasn't too unheard of. Still, when he had heard the SeeD ask to speak with Rinoa later, it did have him curious. It wasn't as if the two girls had been on close, friendly terms, although they were always civil with one another.

There was also part of him that was upset about Xu's usually impeccable timing. He had found a certain reassurance when Rinoa was talking. Just hearing her speak, even though completely wrong, awoke so many memories and sensations he'd let lay dormant.

In the background, he could hear Zell offering a few monosyllabic replies to the caller. Squall didn't ask or listen in, he was sure that he'd hear a full recount of the conversation in due time. It was shortly after that Zell ended the call with as much enthusiasm as he had answered it, which was odd for him.

When he hung up the phone the martial artist suddenly wished that Quistis had been the one in the van. If there was one thing he didn't want to do right now, it was to relay Cid's message.

* * *

Rinoa walked back to the ballroom's entrance. In the foyer, she could see her friends talking to two other SeeDs. Irvine stood with his arm placed around Selphie's waist. She leaned into him; it almost looked as if he supported her entire weight. Quistis stood to their side. In the role of an older sibling, she seemed to be the glue bonding their group together. Her stability in this situation was truly remarkable, though Rinoa knew her – on the inside there was a whole other battle raging.

She started to head towards her friends until she saw the profile of one of the SeeDs involved in conversation. It was Lauren, the one she had _awkwardly_ been introduced to at the wedding. She did not recognize the second woman, but at that point, her identity was rather moot.

Rinoa found herself unable to continue forward mid-step. Part of her knew she should go and be with her friends, but part of her didn't want to get into another uncomfortable situation. The uneasiness would go both ways; she didn't want to put Lauren through undue emotional strain. The SeeD had just lost her boyfriend. Rinoa started to tear again, when she thought of Squall as someone else's 'boyfriend.' It was an unjust situation for all of them.

Now she truly felt alone among the sea of politicians and mourners. It became even a strain to breath as she started to feel lightheaded. Rinoa feared if she didn't calm herself down she'd end up hyperventilating – that would go over _so_ well with Garden. If only she had listened to Zone and let him accompany her. Apparently he knew her weaknesses better than she knew herself. As much as she tried to convince herself she was strong, he had seen through her façade. All he had wanted to do was be there for her so adamantly and she stubbornly denied him that chance.

She didn't know which way to turn or where to go. Everywhere she looked seemed to be filled with unfamiliar, or unfriendly, faces. She was startled to feel a tap on her shoulder. Her body tensed in surprise. Turning to see the source, she was relieved (if relieved at a funeral could ever fit) to see a caring face.

"Laguna," she forced a smile. There was a comfort in seeing him, though noting could ebb the feelings inside.

She had never seen the president look so tattered and worn. Even though he carried himself with dignity, Rinoa could see through the pretense. Behind him Ellone and Kiros offered a wordless greeting. The older man escorting Squall's adoptive sister as Laguna talked to Rinoa.

"Hey," the President offered a faint smile in return. It wasn't forced but it didn't radiate his childlike exuberance she had come to covet over the years.

An usher came up and greeted Laguna while ignoring Rinoa. She couldn't tell if it was an oversight or on purpose, but it really didn't matter anymore.

"Mr. President, we have seats reserved for you and your party in the front rows. Please follow me."

"Rinoa, are you coming?"

"I'm not family," Rinoa softly replied.

She wasn't. In fact, in the scheme of things, she was of very little importance. Her role as a Timber delegate carried more weight than her personal relationship to the deceased. She should be damn glad that security didn't escort her out in the first place. Balamb was very possessive of its commander and her departure didn't sit well with anyone at Garden.

Laguna looked around at the audience. He too was lost amid all the self serving political aspect of it all. It wasn't exactly common knowledge of his relationship to the commander, and he very much doubted Squall would want that to come out here. It hardly seemed right that he should sit up front while Rinoa took a seat alone in back. Rinoa was such an integral part of Squall's life, while he, his father, played a very minor role – though not by his choice.

"Ellone," Laguna turned to his adoptive daughter, reaching for her hand and giving it a tight squeeze. He leaned over, whispering something to her and she solemnly nodded. She gave him a kiss on the cheek before offering a tender smile toward Rinoa. Ellone always seemed to accept Rinoa, no matter what was said.

Without another word, Ellone returned to Kiros, interlocking her arm with his. She silently guided him toward the front pews, leaving the President standing alone with the sorceress. Rinoa watched as the rest of her friends congregated toward Ellone. She didn't blame them in the least. They were Squall's best friends and Ellone was the equivalent of his sister. It wasn't as if Rinoa's friends intentionally neglected her feelings; it's just that life at Garden had gone on for three years. Three years that she wasn't a figure in their daily lives.

"Laguna?" Rinoa questioned, unsure of why Ellone was being seated without him.

"Honestly," Laguna began, looking downward trying to find some resolve. He was lost and Rinoa could sense it. Then again, maybe what the two lost could be found together. "I just can't." The last words were almost a plea.

"I don't understand, I-" Rinoa tried, but was interrupted.

"Shhh, it's all right. My decision has nothing to do with you, I promise. I just can't sit up there…with family."

"But Laguna, you_ are_ family."

"I don't know about that… I may be related, but I'm not family."

* * *

The martial artist fidgeted while taking the seat beside Squall. He honestly wasn't sure how to tell his commander the news. It was either something that Squall would care nothing about, or something that would cause him more ire. The result was rather a coin toss in this current predicament. Still he wished that Cid had been able to explain this him, instead of passing the information through a second party. Zell wondered if the headmaster had done that on purpose. It was obvious Squall was not thrilled about this entire mission and this new development might have been the final blow. Maybe coming from a 'friend' it would seem less…well would seem rather trivial in the bigger picture.

"Squall, I need to tell you something."

After no response Zell tried again, "Um, not sure if you can hear with the headsets on... if you can't-"

"I can, just say it." The commander spoke with agitation.

"Yeah okay… well apparently um… Cid he… uh Xu she um…"

"Do you want these people attending your funeral next? That's what is going to happen if you don't just spit it out."

"Erm, well you know how Xu's job is to handle the paperwork? Well, since the only ones who know the truth are Dr. K, Cid, and us… well, Xu um… really thinks you're dead and…"

"Yeah, her at the rest of the world. What _is_ your point?"

"She's kinda, well you know, frozen your accounts and stuff…and is slightly in the process of notifying the people listed in your will."

Squall didn't yell, he didn't scream, he just sat motionless realizing how much worse this day could get.


	7. Because of You, Lonely Among Us, and Too Short A Season

_ **Chapter Nineteen: Because of You ** _

"Um…Squall?" Zell tried to coax a response from his comrade, "I'm sure this whole 'will thing' can be easily reversed and all. I mean, yeah, I'm just sure it can. It's not like you're really dead or something, because…you're not."

Why did he have to find himself trying to console a man who rather not ever be consoled, especially under these circumstances? He would have had better luck trying to comfort Irvine if his hair had accidently been set ablaze during a horrendous mishap. Then again, Irvine would probably need the comforting and a lot of it; Squall was the polar opposite. Still, Zell felt the need to try. It was just something that friends do, even if the action was readily discarded.

The martial artist thought back to the entire nature of the phone call with the headmaster. This unique situation really did pique his curiosity. Then again, Zell always seemed curious by nature, even to a fault at times. Squall probably grasped more of the actual semantics than Zell. Still, the blond did have a few nagging questions. He doubted that his friend would even consider answering anything, especially because his will was extremely personal. There were a lot of interesting scenarios at hand – very intriguing scenarios at that.

Was it truly possible for Garden to freeze all of Squall's assets in such a minute period? Wasn't there some type of protocol that stated his death needed to be officially on paper? Zell was positive there would be a way to get the money returned, but how difficult would that be if this mission went on indefinitely? The most mind boggling of all his questions was: what exactly did the commander state in his will and who was the beneficiary, or possibly, _beneficiaries_? A few years ago, the martial artist may have ventured a guess, now it was too abstract to even fathom.

Of course what Zell _should have_ been watching the feeds, and he was to a certain degree, yet there was now another interesting mystery at hand. Half-keeping an eye on the monitor, finding out the truth seemed too inviting to pass up, even against better judgment. Again, he started asking a small army of questions, only this time it was no longer only in his mind.

"Don't you have to, like, get a death certificate or something? I mean they just can't go off of someone's word, can they? Because if they could, well, it could be a big mess, you know. I mean, they must need to have an official document right? Don't they kinda need a body for that too?"

"First, the 'word' you are talking about is the headmaster, that's pretty damn concrete. Second, situations such at Garden run slightly different than in the civilian world. Having a body, or an _identifiable_ body, isn't always an option. The official documents are solely based on the discretion of Garden and Xu made the call. She was right in doing her job."

"That's totally gotta suck for you though!"

"Yes, this_ sucks_, my exact thought," his reply was purposely mocking.

Similar to a cascading effect, one unfortunate instance in Squall's life always seemingly led to another. Now it was a fucking snowball hurling itself down the mountain and devouring anything _and _everything in its path. And Squall? Well he felt like the idiot standing at the bottom of the hill - the one who watched since the onset of motion, but never had the brains to get out of the damn way. The worst part was the snowball never grew closer; it just seemed to be falling down an infinite slope of despair and failure. Yet he knew it was going to hit him, he just wasn't sure when. And like an imbecile, he stood firmly rooted in place.

"So um… like what exactly are you going to do about this?" Zell was trying, he honestly was.

"What can I do? Can't run to the bank and withdraw the money if I'm _dead_, can I? It's not like when this is over it can't be straightened out. The money really isn't the-"

He stopped himself, realizing what he was about to reveal. Everybody would know soon enough, so why should he look like a fool any earlier than necessary? Now, not only would he inevitably have to face Rinoa when she found out he wasn't dead, he would being doing it while asking for his money back. The monetary part would be simple, that could easily be regained. What could never be returned was something not printed on paper or in any other physical form – his pride. She would know _everything_, everything that he had tried to emotionally deny. They all would know.

To hell with it. This was not the time or place to think about his misfortune. He would deny his emotions like he always had, at least for now, as it was still a viable option. In a few days however, he would no longer be afforded the luxury.

* * *

The Estharian president bit back any undue emotions as he admitted the words out loud. It was one thing to believe how his son regarded him, but it was another to admit it as fact. And that seemed to be the fact: _Laguna was not family_. To him, the definition of family would be the people you trusted in, believed in; it was those who you would be there for, and in return, they would be there for you without question, be it related by blood or not. Squall regarded him as little more than a nuisance. It was a fact that the man had come to accept. Up until now, there was always a glimmer of hope. He believed in that old adage: time heals all wounds. The reality was that the hourglass was now empty; the sands of time had already run their course.

It pained Rinoa to hear Laguna talk in such a manner. There was something so desperate and unguarded about his words. Of course, she believed quite differently. She undeniably viewed Laguna as a member of Squall's family. How could he think himself as something less than what he truly was? Here, she had been feeling lost, yet she couldn't even grasp the emotional battles waging within this man. Rinoa chastised herself for being so selfish in her thoughts. She had chosen the direction of her life. Well, to some extent. All this man had left of his late wife were memories and the eyes of his son. Now, today, he was burying the child he had only discovered less than a half decade ago.

Rinoa wanted to convince him, wanted to tell Laguna how foolish he was being, but then there was something very hypocritical about that prospect. Both of them knew they _could_ sit up front if they really wanted to. Of course, Laguna was already offered, but it was that unseen sense of underlying blame that was holding each other back. Rinoa's friends were already seated within the forward rows and she knew that not one of them would care. In reality, they would encourage her to join them up front – and that still might yet happen. But there was this inner struggle she couldn't deny and she knew that her decision was already absolute. She was only a fleeting figure in Squall's life; she did not have any further rights as to the intimacy of family.

The president watched solemnly as Ellone made her way forward. At least she was finding reassurance among her adoptive family. He also knew that she would understand his decision, even if she didn't agree with it. She had always been an energetic child since those early days in Winhill. Comparing himself with Elle, the president always believed her as the stronger-willed of the two of them. She had always been. Even as a young child, she was ready to take on the world – one Buchubuchu and Bunbu at a time - and never look back. He only wished that he had some of that confidence right now.

Without another word, Laguna quietly interlocked his arm with Rinoa's and led her towards a section of empty chairs. He saw an aisle seat that was near a side door, an emergency contingency plan if the emotion became too much to bear. He prayed that he could be strong through this, but he also was fully aware he may not live up to his own expectations.

The president helped Rinoa to her seat, thankful that nobody else was within earshot. Laguna ran a hand through his wispy bangs, his long hair pulled into a loose ponytail. He needed to talk; he needed to keep speaking. The guilt was slowly ripping him into pieces in this silence.

"You know Rin, Squall…he barely said more than two words to me. If he did talk, it was… well, it just seemed forced on his part. I understood why he felt the way he did about me. I never once blamed him for keeping me out of his life. I just feel that somehow, I should respect his feelings towards me now."

"Laguna, he cared for you. He just wasn't the best about expressing _anything_. It was just all so much for him in such a short amount of time… Plus, you know, he was just a stubborn ass," she tried to laugh as tears trailed down reddened cheeks. "You don't know how many times I told him that to his face."

Laguna looked up at her and genuinely smiled. He was glad that she was still being true to herself and to the person Squall had been. She was remembering his son as he truly was… not the perfect man that the upcoming eulogies would surely make him out to be. Squall, to both Rinoa and Laguna, was very human, with many variables, faults, and mistakes. Yet it was those flaws that made the person he was so much more beautiful.

"I can picture you telling him that," Laguna let out a somber chuckle, "I can also picture him not listening to one word you said…and being very 'ass like' about it in the process. Let me guess, it didn't help at all did it?"

"Not one damn bit, but that's Squall. For better or worse…that's who he was."

Laguna bowed his head. His voice was barely a whisper, "I would have not wanted him to be any other way."

"Me either." She smiled.

The momentary silence hit her hard, her body was tired and her mind was lost within itself. She had never such emotional turmoil in her life. Her mother's funeral was remembered through the eyes of a child. As much as tried, the memories of the past almost felt as if they belonged to another person entirely. That was literally a lifetime ago. It was back when the true finality of death was beyond a child's grasp. Rinoa subconsciously leaned her head on Laguna's shoulder for comfort. Her own father would not have allowed this. It would be a weakness in his eyes. She was not her father; she relied heavily on her emotions.

Laguna didn't mind in the least, he was thankful for the contact of another. He embraced her as he fought back his own tears. It was all so surreal; it felt as if he would wake from this hellish nightmare. God, he wanted, _needed_, to wake up. The two sat together, both searching for that inner strength that they seemed to find from one another. They would be relying on that to get them through the rest of the service.

* * *

Squall was thankful when Zell finally stopped harassing him about his will. The commander didn't blame him; the martial artist couldn't help the person he was, no more than he could help the person he had become. The commander concentrated on the video feeds, the best he could. Still his eyes kept wandering to a monitor where both Laguna and Rinoa had been standing. He vigilantly watched as Ellone was escorted to her seat by Kiros. That action in itself didn't seem too arbitrary, he had expected as much. What he did not ever consider was the action that was to follow, Squall watched powerlessly as his father and his sorceress walked, and_ were seated,_ in the furthest rows.

He didn't imagine the scene playing out in black and white to pain him in such a way. Hell, he could not possibly have ever imagined this scene, period. Is that truthfully how both Rinoa and Laguna viewed themselves, as outsiders in his life? Without direct audio on the subjects, he had no way to listen to their exchange. Yet somehow, he already knew the words. In his mind he could hear their conversation and blamed himself entirely. The fact that neither sat within the designated family section spoke more volumes than a microphone ever could. Squall Leonhart experienced an emotional numbing like no other previous instance.

Laguna, his own father - did he honestly believe that Squall regarded him so poorly? Sure, the president could be a downright annoying 'moron' at times - in the commander's own words. Still, the man always tried his best on each and every occasion. Laguna's persistence and unwavering determination were attributes that Squall greatly admired. The commander wished they were traits that he could have acquired, rather than his usual perception of brash contempt.

And Rinoa...

God, he couldn't even believe it when she had started walking in the opposite direction. He even doubted the veracity of his own eyesight. It would have been less painful had she refused to attend the service. If she truly despised the person he was… well, that was an emotional response he could understand. Hell, he expected her to be angry with him. But this…this was not something within reason. She _helped_ him. She _saved_ him. She had brought him in from the darkness, even though it was never completely, as some demons were too far attached.

He loved her. He _still_ loved her.

The commander was learning more about his life, through his death, than he could begin to register. Every second he remained in this van felt like another lifetime of betraying the ones he loved. He could easily go out there and end this pointless charade. But he couldn't be that selfish, although…_God_, he wanted to be. As much as he hated this mission, he knew it served a purpose. Yes, it was a sick, twisted, and demented purpose, but a purpose nonetheless. His actions might save the life of another. He was a living witness of his own death; none of the other fatalities could say that. None of the other fallen officials would be able to return to their lives. He knew that it was a selfish act to put his life's worth above the next victim and for the sake of honor, he wouldn't do that.

In a way, he would be granted a miracle that nobody else in death would, a second chance. No, he wasn't ready to become buddy-buddy with his father, but he would at least be given the chance to make amends. Laguna was family, an opportunity that most of his childhood friends would never be granted. He owed this to his mother, he owed to Laguna, and he owed it to himself.

And Rinoa…

Well, just like three years ago, it would come down to a matter of choice. His choice – not anybody else's and certainly not Garden's. If there was still a chance, as slim and marginal as it may be, it was a chance. This situation was already forcibly going to bring some factors to light, like the beneficiary of his will. So maybe this was fate's way of telling him that he really was that fool standing there, looking up at the bottom of a hill. But maybe, just maybe, somebody saw him at the base of the icy ravine and was offering a way out of the snowball's path. He'd be damned if he wasn't going to take it.

* * *

Somewhere between the third and fourth speaker, Rinoa's mind had become emotionally overwrought. The memorial was the constant rehashing of the same few sentiments: what a wonderful leader and soldier Squall Leonhart had been to SeeD. What his enormous contributions and sacrifices meant to the world. How each student, those current and future, should strive to follow his example.

Rinoa had tried to listen to their eulogies. However she realized that she scarcely recognized part of the person to which they were paying tribute. Since its commencement, she resented most of the words and their overblown statements. He was an ideal to both Garden and the world, the model of absolute and almost inhuman perfection, at least, according to their very carefully-crafted words.

Emotionally, Rinoa had given up any charade to Laguna, long before the first prayer was uttered; there was only so much will she could draw internally. She had found a quiet reassurance leaning into his embrace. Laguna had tenderly held her in his arms, as a father would a child. Both were mourning a loss greater than that of an honorable soldier, but for the amazing person they knew him to be.

It was in this time that she silently remembered his true nature. She knew him, if only for a short while. But in that time, she saw more than most of these people would ever begin to comprehend. He was scarred and imperfect, he was broken and beautiful. Somewhere five years ago, she had found _his_ perfection among marred skin and blood-tainted hands.

She lifted her head enough to look at Laguna, whose own features were laced with immense sorrow. He did not look at her, but squeezed her hand in reassurance. His eyes were too focused on the casket carried in only moments before the service. She couldn't look at it, not right now. Later she would, when she said her final goodbyes. The headmaster had opened the coffin, but only briefly. She could barely make out detail given her proximity. Hell, he could have been a mannequin for all she had known, but Edea's eyes offered little hope of that chance. Matron had remained next to Ellone when it was opened; her reaction was just as true as any mother burying a child.

Squall had not wanted an open casket; the lid was lifted only to place a symbolic candle inside. It had been a long-standing SeeD tradition to place 'a symbol of light' with the departed, so they could see the way for the next generation's passage to Garden. She could make out his silhouetted figure. His uniform mirrored the one he wore on their first encounter. Of course, now it would be adorned with a few more medallions, given his change in stature since graduation.

Part of her wanted to see him one last time, to trace her fingers over his skin. But part of her couldn't bear the thought; his hands would feel nothing like the warmness she remembered. Apparently his request stated that he wanted nobody to see him after death. After his harsh outburst at Galbadia Garden, Rinoa didn't doubt his wishes for one second.

Blinking heavily, tears caught in her eyelashes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. Her gazed turned toward the person seated on Laguna's other side. Ward had spotted them right before the pallbearers entered the ballroom. He sat next to his lifelong friend offering both his respect and support, as he had for nearly two decades. Rinoa closed her eyes trying to drown the words of the current speaker, but it was to no avail. He was a Balamb official that offered his condolences on behalf of the small harbor town. It was when he started to broach the subject regarding the 'ultimate sacrifice of duty' that she could no longer remain.

Her options were limited as far as escape, but she found it harder to breathe with each passing second. She knew if she were to leave people would talk, but she didn't care at this point. If people had nothing better to do than to gossip at the Commander's funeral, then they truly knew nothing of the person they were mourning.

"I think I need to get some air," she whispered still resting against Laguna. He gingerly gave her a small kiss atop her head. He acted the parent that both of them needed him to be at that moment.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I just need to step away… I'm sorry."

"Rin, don't be sorry. Ever. I'm here if you need me," he assured, again squeezing her hand in acknowledgment.

"I know you are. Thank you." She looked up at him, finding the will to smile. She was surprised she was able, but also glad that she still could.

Rinoa considered waiting for the current speaker to finish, but after another stanza or two of his long-winded tribute, she knew it was not possible. She needed to leave, to get away from everything that even remotely reminded her of Garden – while still being inside Garden. She knew that it was impossible, but she would damn well try. She excused herself without looking back and quickly made her way to the exit.

A few people lined the hallways, security and otherwise, but she managed to make it into the central area of Garden. Heading toward the far side, well past the stairway that led to the elevators, she found herself staring at one of the fountains. An artistic granite fish held her fascination. She watched the constant stream of water as it flowed from its mouth. It was something right now, even a small distraction from reality.

Wrapping her hands tightly around the metal railing, she followed the trail of water until it united in the large pool below. In the water's reflection, she could see her body's outline. It was a shadow, not of any features but only darkened shades of gray. The water continued to flow, much as time did around her. There was beauty in the ripples; she had never taken the time to notice. The water offered a tranquil release from the military contrast of the building.

Her grip tightened and she continued to stare down at the distorted image. How had it come to this? How had she turned into this person from the carefree youth she still yearned to be? She had often joked to him about going for a midnight dip in the reflecting pools. He easily brushed off her idea knowing her suggestion was all in jest. She should have done it. She should have dragged him down here one night and jumped in the water for no other reason beside it was there – and so were they. She would have loved to see the horrified look on his face as she followed through with her threat. He would have been shocked, he would have angry, he would have been… goddamn it, at he would have _been_ there. That is all she wanted, that carefree feeling that seemed to have vanished even before her departure from Garden.

As Rinoa watched the water's ripples, a sense of vertigo encompassed her. She diverted her eyes forward. She had to remind herself to breathe again and talk herself through the routine process. Right now, she needed to get fresh air and cleanse her thoughts.

This person she was becoming…it wasn't her.

The young woman inhaled, slowly willing her fingers from the railing one by one. Steadying herself, she made her way toward the doorway that led to the Quad. She wasn't sure how many students would be there, but she needed to feel the warmth of the sun; she needed to see life. It wasn't a long walk. Again, the halls were rather barren save for a few. Uniformed SeeDs seemed to pay her the most attention as they observed her from afar. She noticed that not one of them attempted to approach her. Rinoa would have laughed, if only in spite, if she could have found the willpower. She didn't.

The outside was, as she remembered, barring a few cosmetic changes in the area she could see. She was just glad for the change of scenery. If she closed her eyes and concentrated on the sun's touch and the melody of nature, she could forget she was at Garden. She could be standing anywhere on this planet, the world was within her mind's reach.

Rinoa stayed that way for a few minutes, meditating the best she could. A sound akin to metal being tossed on pavement caught her attention and she turned to the source. At the Quad's furthest corner, she noticed that several plants and a large potted tree, all which looked freshly delivered from a nursery. It was at that moment when she saw a lone gardener amid the greenery. Instinctively, she was drawn to a time within her memories. It was a moment from her childhood, something that she would always remember. It was a rite of passage from another time of mourning.

"_Squall, have you ever planted a tree? Grown it from a sapling?"_

She watched the stranger quietly as he tilled a patch of newly unearthed soil. He didn't seem to notice her approaching; he was purely focused on the grounds. Rinoa finally made her presence known, hoping that she wouldn't bother the man's work.

"Sir, um… would it be possible if I could help you, please?" It sounded desperate to her ears, almost as if her life depended on the answer. Maybe her sanity did, at least for today.

The gardener turned his head, surprised at the sound of somebody's voice. He then stopped working and placed his shovel in the dirt. Stepping out of the freshly dug hole, he made his way to her. She could tell he was confused by the request. _"He must think I really have lost it,"_ she figured, looking down at her attire; she was wearing heels no less.

"I know it's a strange request," she admitted outwardly. Rinoa wondered if she could pull this off without him calling Garden security.

"I just… I really need to do this right now." She bit back the apprehension, she was strong, she could do this. "My mother…planting things reminds me of her. Spending time with her in our garden was some of the best times in my life. Today…today is one of the worst days in my life."

"You were friends with Commander Leonhart?" The man nodded toward the building as he removed his gloves.

"He was very important to me," she admitted with the thinnest of smiles.

This time it was the strangers turn to look at her with understanding. "Well, this tree was donated in the Commander's honor. I think it's only fitting that someone who cared about him helps plant it."

And then she _truly_ smiled for the first time in days, a genuine symbol of hope.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Twenty: Lonely Among Us ** _

This was possibly the most sickening thing he ever had to endure, ever. It endlessly droned on and never seemed to divert from its nauseating cycle of horror. Even listening to one of Quistis' many lectures would have been preferable to living through this hell. He would voluntarily sit through all of her lectures back to back twice before wishing this torture upon anyone. Of course, to make matters that much worse, every accolade of praise was supposedly about him.

For the first hour of the service, the commander scrutinized the video feeds and haphazardly scanned through the attendees. After those jobs became mundane, he started to count the number of balding men in the crowd. It wasn't the best use of his time on the mission, nor the most politically correct, but Squall could have cared less. He wasn't sure what the hell he was supposed to be searching for in the first place.

How was he supposed to understand what he didn't know?

He was a trained mercenary, not a trained detective. There was something horribly inverted about this entire scenario. Quistis and Selphie were far better candidates for the intricacies of reading and understanding the nature of human beings. He, on the hand, was not a fan of most humans in general.

He vaguely heard Cid's eulogy. The headmaster said something about following a light, a candle, or something along those lines into the afterlife. Symbolic bullshit. Where did SeeD even come up with this stuff? Then he watched as the headmaster opened the casket. It only was open for a short period, but it was enough for people to see _a _body, certainly not his.

"Whoa man! Look you're really dead," Zell gasped obviously taken aback by the sight. "I mean, who was that in there? Did you know that they were planning on doing that? I mean, that's seriously messed up!"

If Zell's reaction was any indication, people in mourning would likely believe the ruse without question. The martial artist inched closer to the monitor, in some desperate hope that the headmaster would pull that trick again. It was surely a magical sleight of hand technique, but it intrigued him to no end.

He wondered how Squall could be so indifferent about it. There was a person's corpse, or some sort of being, _or thing_, in the casket that was supposed to be him. Yet the commander acted as if seeing misidentified, bogus dead bodies was an everyday occurrence.

Squall casually glanced at the monitor before looking at a secondary screen that held nothing of any importance. "Yes, I was aware that he was going to do something along those lines. The headmaster thought it would lend _creditability,"_ Squall emphasized that last word maliciously. "Apparently, seeing everybody who ever knew me suffer isn't enough. You know Garden, always willing to drive the knife in just a tad bit further."

Without displaying emotion, beside the slight hint that lingered from his tone, he leaned forward and changed audio feeds. There had to be something else to listen to besides Cid's endless ranting. Damn it. Why couldn't Quistis be in the other room giving an Elemental-Attack Junction lecture? It was far better than this candle-afterlife shit any day.

Zell was still troubled by the fake corpse. He also was concerned how blasé the commander had turned about the situation. It didn't set right. Earlier, Squall had expressed anger and disgust, but even then, he was showing outward emotions. Now, there was nothing but indifference.

"Doesn't that totally weird you out, man?"

Squall shrugged his shoulders apathetically. This whole situation was nothing less than surreal; how could adding a falsified corpse to the recipe be any more macabre?

"I guess they either found someone with a similar build or used a mannequin. I didn't care to ask for details." After a slight pause, Squall then admitted, "Plus I was under heavy sedatives at the time he explained this newest revelation to me."

"That's just creepy."

"Whatever," the commander chided. His reply was rather inaudible if one wasn't straining to hear.

Squall was almost surprised that Cid had not insisted that he should personally 'lie' in the casket. At least then, he could have taken a nap. He certainly wasn't accomplishing much while remaining conscious.

The fact remained that the commander had better things to do than to argue over semantics, or even contemplate irrelevant ones, there were balding politicians that needed to be counted; his new favorite pastime. He really didn't give a damn who was lying in the casket at this point. That may have been harsh, but by god, it was the honest truth. The reality of what was in the coffin made no difference to anyone in attendance; it was only who they _believed_ was in there that mattered.

…And they believed it was him.

Again, leaning forward, he kept eye on the upper right monitor, it being the closest to where Rinoa and Laguna had been seated. Of course, he tried to appear as if he wasn't watching that particular screen. For awhile there, he had actually managed to block it from view, but his gaze always followed an invisible trail there.

The president and Rinoa were just off screen and he so badly wished he could have willed the monitor to move a few centimeters over. He would have hit the damn thing if he thought it would help, instead, the reality mocked him. It appeared as if the feeds were focused on covering entrances and exits, a sound tactical strategy, but nonetheless,_ not_ helpful to his situation.

After a few minutes, a figure emerged from off screen and headed toward an exit. He could not make out facial details, but he didn't need to, he would always know her presence. He furrowed his brow as she slipped quietly through the side door. God, he wanted to run after her, to tell her what a fool he had been and apologize for his choices. Hell, he was not the type to beg, but after what he was putting everyone though, he just may have to…this farce was truly inexcusable and without moral reason.

"_Where are you going?"_ he asked to nobody but himself.

Should it bother him that she was leaving? Damn it, he should be thankful that she'd gained enough sense to get the hell away from this place. Yet another feeling tugged at his heart, somehow it never got easier seeing her walking away – even through a television monitor.

* * *

With everything she had, she tore the shovel through the earth. If she stopped to think about the pain, it would nearly kill her.

'_Maybe that wouldn't be so bad…'_

Rinoa shook the thought from her head. Where had that come from? Why the hell was this ripping her soul in two? Of course they had been lovers, _had been _\- those were the key words. Rinoa had found her stature, her place, and her independence without him. She had relied on finding strength with others before, now she relied on finding strength within herself. It was safer that way. She guarded her life; she guarded her heart. She would not let herself feel weak again.

She continued to work the soil, wondering if this indescribably feeling was because of their former bond. Former…was it truly in the past? Did a few heated words and harsh realities negate the promises of their youth? When had he truly stopped being a knight or when had she stopped being his sorceress? This was going to truly be the end of her, the doubts, the questions, the uncertainties that would never be answered, at least, in this lifetime.

So instead so making order out of chaos, she just worked, worked like she had the last three years. If she forgot about her pain, it wasn't there. That had been her motto, her creed. She nearly had herself believing it fully, until now. Every day, every night at her desk in Timber. Alone. Well, not really physically alone, she had Zone, Watts, and Angelo. She had more than that really, she had a life that she had built against great odds. Her father was almost proud of her; but she would never let herself get close to anyone, especially someone that had hurt her so deeply in the past.

She had learned that much from her time in Balamb.

Somehow, some way, she had let a few select people stay close to her emotionally. She hadn't realized until today that Laguna had been one of those who she had kept close to. Ironic, right? The person that had hurt her the most was related to this man by blood. Yet, just as today, she and the president had forged strength from their adversity. Together, they were united by a common loss.

Every time her mind started to wander, she took her frustrations out on the earth. Her shovel met the terra with enormous force. It wasn't that difficult at this point to dig; the majority of the work had already been done. Still, she found the need to go deeper, to burrow herself a little more away from the world.

"You know, you're going to break my shovel if you keep that up." the gardener tried to joke lightly.

"Sorry," she answered apologetically, "I let my mind wander sometimes... I'll be more careful."

"It's fine, just worried about you. You don't seem to be holding up too well."

She nodded in agreement. There was no use in trying to deny it if it was obviously apparent to a stranger even. Averting her gaze from the man, Rinoa looked at the unplanted tree nearby.

"It's a long story, I guess."

"All stories worth telling are long, in my opinion."

She countered with a saddened smile, "I've known of some short stories that were rather magical."

"True enough. I guess nothing in my life just ever seems short."

"Me either," she agreed.

"Do you garden a lot? You seem to have a natural talent for it."

"I used to be in the garden all the time with my mother," she began, but refused to reminisce over the past. "Right now, my garden isn't very big at all. Basically...I'm in a townhouse with a tiny courtyard. It's very small, but I enjoy it. I can see my garden from the living and dining areas. I have one of those houses with no real backyard, but at least my interior patio is big enough for a few shrubs, flowers, and small table set."

"Sounds like you take great care in it. You seem rather proud of your accomplishments."

"I work on it when I can, I guess… If I have to stop and think about it, I guess I am kinda proud, it's something I've managed on my own. Honestly, you know, until you mentioned it, I've never thought about it, but yeah, I am kinda proud. Plus Angelo really loves it."

"Angelo your husband?"

"No." She actually managed stifled a laugh. "Not even close. My dog."

"Ah well, I'm sure he appreciates your work nonetheless."

"She," Rinoa corrected. "Angelo is a _she_."

"Oh, beg my pardon ma'am. I thought with a name like Angelo…"

Rinoa waved it off casually, "Don't worry, it's another long story."

"The best kind," reiterated the gardener, as if the conversation had now come into a full circle.

This time, Rinoa sighed in agreement, "I suppose it is."

The man pulled off his work gloves, tossing them onto a small utility cart. "Well, I'm glad you appreciate the true beauty of everything around you. Too many people today, especially the young, take things for granted. They rather cut down a tree as opposed to planting one."

"I've cut down too many… maybe not physically, but rather metaphorically. I think it's time I learn to rebuild again."

She had also seen her share of physical destruction to nature. In her childhood, she had seen trees uprooted by the merciless will of the elements; she had witnessed lightning slither across the sky like a vengeful serpent. She remembered the crack it made when severing the limbs from a tree, the very one her mother had planted. She remembered every symbolic moment of its devastation.

At the present moment, she had no intent of letting any more of her personal affairs come to light. This man didn't know a damn thing about her. She wasn't here for a therapy session, though god knew she probably needed weekly visits. This day had never been about her, but she wondered at times how much it was about Squall either…she was lost within the swirling of her emotions.

She looked at the tree a few meters away, it was _his _tree by all technicalities. She couldn't think of it that way right now. Not yet. She wasn't ready to admit that - a memorial was too final. Instead, she let herself believe the lie for a bit longer.

Nodding toward the bundled tree, she inquired of the man, "That's an Ash, right?"

"You are good. It's a White Ash, more precisely. You know the wood is one of the most pliant known, yet it's still strong. Plus it's damn good shade tree; it'll thrive out here. Grown in no time, I'm sure. I guess that's why Garden picked it."

"Sounds about right."

Her voice caught in her throat. Again, she couldn't escape the reason they were planting the tree. No matter how hard she tried to forget, fate would not allow her that opportunity. Squall Leonhart had always wanted to compare himself to a lion so she couldn't help but wonder how offended he would have been if she would have compared him to a tree. Not nearly as glamorous or threatening, she believed, but it was definitely more accurate in her opinion.

* * *

Since Rinoa had left the service, he could no longer focus. Not like he was the model SeeD before, but right now, his mind was being torn into several directions. He had come to this kind of crossroad in his life before seeing as the situation mirrored the uncertainty of his adolescent years. He had always felt trapped between two words, between things that _should have been_ and things that unfortunately _were_. He always felt like a metronome, at one point being pulled into two separate directions, yet never allowed to miss a beat.

Boyfriend. SeeD. Knight. Commander.

Was there a difference between the two sides anymore? Or had the beat turned into an endless medley of failure in both directions? He had found himself now thrust into the same fateful rhythm of doubt. He had spent so long being something to everybody else; he never truly stopped to think about who he wanted to be. In his own life, his wishes were irrelevant.

And so he followed one direction of his life, not by choice, but by weakness. It may not have been the song he wanted, but at least his life had been composed by someone else. None of that mattered anymore. For once in his life, he was going to stop to figure out what he wanted, though, unfortunately, today was not that day. Today, he was forced to hide away his life in the interior of van that had roses decorating the sides.

He was going mad. Being trapped like the caged animal like this didn't help in the slightest either.

For no other reason beside sheer boredom, he wrapped a cord around his finger. This is what his life had boiled down to…irrelevance and boredom. He prayed for some sort of salvation from this purgatory. He had been thinking of way to escape from this hell when a familiar digital tone sounded once again.

"Wonder what's up now…" Zell asked aloud, trying to find the source of the interruption.

Squall had apparently managed to have camouflaged its whereabouts with his last angry toss. At least it still seemed to be in useable condition. Though with force he had thrown it with, he had honestly doubted that the cheaply-made phone had enough resilience.

"Maybe the headmaster's just calling to inform you that you've been assigned my parking space," Squall finally answered, making no attempt to help his comrade.

After a few seconds of frantic searching, the martial artist retrieved the mobile phone. It was a little worse for wear. There was a large circular crack in the exterior, but still it seemed functional. Zell would have answered, but he was intuitively aware that the call wasn't for him. This time, he didn't give the commander a choice, shoving into his palm.

Squall didn't protest _too_ much, opting to scowl his detest at the device. Still, he opened the mobile without uttering a greeting. If it was the right number, no introduction was needed; they knew who the hell he was. His hunch was correct. The headmaster immediately began speaking.

"_I just got off the phone with a Dollet official. One of their councilmen was just found dead."_

Squall bit back a bitter laugh thinking, _'The killer's out there and here we are with our hands up our asses.' _Still, the commander tried to be diplomatic with the headmaster. The elder man had at least earned that much…but just barely.

"Do you want us to head back over there?"

"_No, let me finish," _Cid continued,_ "They said his body just washed up on shore with the tide. The councilman was supposed to be taking a short holiday – he's been dead several days."_

"Was this the work of our guy?"

"_Well, he was shot. However, the bullets don't seem to immediately match any of the other shootings. They're waiting on positive ballistics."_

"Of course not, why break pattern now."

"_I want you just to sit tight and continue surveillance. I'll get any information to you as it comes in. I just wanted to keep you apprised."_

Squall turned the phone off, placing it down onto a small shelf. This would make the fourth separate shooting incident, including his. Each one was uniquely different, never the same caliber of gun, no obvious connections, and seemingly random events. However, one thing broke pattern; the shootings were normally months apart. Now, the killer was seemingly striking within days, or possibly hours, depending on the time of death on the newest victim.

His desire to kill was increasing, as was Squall's desire to catch the bastard.

* * *

The tree was planted; a new life had been born from tragedy. At least, that is what Rinoa tried to convince herself. She was glad for the opportunity to help. It was a needed escape from herself today. However, now that it was done, there wasn't much keeping her in the Quad, beside her innate stubbornness. She knew the service had ended, as several Garden students and visitors had made their way outside.

She had found the courage this morning to visit his casket, but the will to return had quickly ebbed, along with her strength. There was also the small matter of Xu. Rinoa had told her she would meet in the evening, but maybe the Trabian headmistress could see her now. The sorceress would only grow more anxious the longer the meeting was prolonged. Rinoa's experiences with headmasters didn't have the greatest track record.

After a few more minutes of procrastination, Rinoa had forced herself to head back to the ballroom. There was always this silent, eating guilt that she could never shake. Most of the time, she avoided eye contact with everyone. Maybe it was a sign of weakness, but she sure has hell didn't care. She saw the headmistress talking with Cid and both seemed to be speaking with a very professional demeanor. It was business to them, business as usual, even today. Rinoa wondered if Cid even felt any remorse, his body language didn't seem to allude to any. She knew that it was unfair, but so was this entire situation.

Standing against the wall in shadows, Rinoa waited while the two finished their conversation. Yes, she was avoiding the headmaster. Maybe it was immature and childish, but as of this moment, she felt that it was completely within her rights. When she saw the chance, the sorceress quickly made her move and followed Xu before she was caught by the next future politician.

"Xu," called Rinoa, trying her best to gain the woman's attention, without drawing any to herself.

It worked. The SeeD turned back around and made her way to Rinoa. "Hello," Xu began offering a sincere smile, "is there anything I can help you with?"

Again Rinoa was glad that Xu didn't bring up the service… about how wonderful it was, how beautiful and moving the speeches were. Rinoa was finding a new respect for Xu, throughout the difficulty of this ordeal. The headmistress always seemed to be genuine; there was no air of falseness surrounding her. It made Rinoa wonder how different things would have turned out if she been in charge of Balamb three years ago, not Cid Kramer.

"Xu, I was wondering if it would be possible to meet with you now?" Rinoa looked to the marbled floor, hoping the SeeD would understand. "Honestly, I don't know how long I can stay here, this is just…"

"No need to explain," Xu tried to comfort, as the younger girl's words trailed off, "I understand that it is difficult to be here, for more than one reason." She placed a hand on Rinoa's shoulder. "I'm going to make the time now. I think it's at least we can do for you. Let's head to somewhere more private, so we can talk there."

The sorceress nodded silently. As they started to walk, Rinoa wiped tears away with the back of her hand. She wasn't going to let her fears and insecurities get to her. Not now. Not after all these years of hard work. Still, she couldn't help but wonder why she could feel no physical separation of the bond; she thought that there would be something more concrete, something more final. Maybe that was just her emotions talking, and when all was said and done, she would feel the severed connection with the passage of time.

Xu led her to a small room off the ballroom hallway. It was a sitting room, one that was sometimes used to greet visitors, dignitaries, and the like. As the door closed, she certainly felt uncomfortable. Her last encounter with a headmaster didn't bode well. Then she chastised herself for that thought, this SeeD was different.

Xu extended her hand, offering Rinoa a place to sit. Again, the sorceress nodded in understanding and moved to a nearby settee. She honestly wished she was not alone; the distraction of having someone else would have been a comfort. The sorceress convinced herself that she was going to do this with poise and dignity. She was not that scared child from years ago.

"Thank you for seeing me," Xu began. The SeeD then settled into a chair across from the sorceress. "I know this is a very difficult time, and I'm going to keep this direct. I need to discuss Squall's estate with you, or more precisely, his personal finances and belongings. As you may recall, it was my job here in Balamb to deal with such matters. Without a commander, I will be handling both Balamb and Trabia's affairs until a suitable replacement is found."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"…Rinoa?" Xu questioned, not understanding her confusion.

"I mean, Squall's personal business… Why are you telling me?"

Her heart had nearly stopped beating at the idea that he could have left her something. He wouldn't, would he? They certainly hadn't departed on the best of terms. It honestly wouldn't feel right if she did have something willed to her in the estate. She hadn't even thought about anything like this, she couldn't even grasp the idea that he was gone, let alone he may have left her something.

For the first time since their encounter, Xu felt slightly uneasy. She was unsure of how she should say this. It appeared that Rinoa had no idea herself.

"Rinoa, you are the _only_ beneficiary named in his will."

* * *

* * *

 _**Chapter Twenty-One: Too Short A Season **_

Rinoa thought her mind had gone beyond the point of all comprehension; the words that she believed she heard, could not have been true. It was a hollow echo of reality, a small voice telling her that she misunderstood Xu's statement: she was the only person named in the will.

It was an impossibility, simply without reason.

If there was any blood left coursing through her veins, it was severely absent from her face. Her skin lightened to an unhealthy shade of alabaster, the mere essence of her life force seemed to ebb. Xu immediately recognized the signs, years of dealing with families in denial. The sorceress was in shock, not to the degree of needing immediate medical attention, but to the degree of needing to be able to actually inhale via her own will. It appeared she had not taken a breath since the SeeD had informed her of the situation.

"Rinoa, can I get you something? Water?"

"Me? No, no… I'm all right. I just…"

She stopped, there was no way she could explain how she felt to someone else. The emotions paralyzing her body were nearly debilitating.

"I just need a moment." Rinoa tried to regain her senses, as diplomatically as possible under the newfound circumstances.

The older SeeD nodded, trying to assess the situation justly. Xu had not foreseen such a reaction from the younger woman. It was now apparent that Squall kept the agenda to himself; even death had not stopped him from that character trait. It was not as if their breakup was a secret, but if Rinoa was truly unaware of Squall's wishes, she could understand the sorceress's faltering.

In fact, Xu had questioned Squall himself on the situation a few years prior. Still, the commander was adamant about his decision, so she never broached the subject again. Her job often dealt in the 'what if' factor; their lives were often nothing more than a guessing game, a simple game of chance – which was too often lost by its players.

When the sorceress continued in prolonged silence, Xu started anew with a more professional explanation. "Rinoa, as being the only listed beneficiary, you will be entirely in charge the division and distribution of his estate, if that is your wish. I've already had the attorneys draw up final drafts of the necessary paperwork. We'll just need your signature to begin any transfer or liquidation process of his assets. The financial end will take a little time; available funds will be ready for transfer upon our filing the forms. However, all personal belongs will be immediately ready to be passed on to you."

Rinoa was speechless.

There were no words to even describe the confusion; her thoughts were muddled and chaotic. It had to be a mistake. _This was a huge mistake._ That certainly was the only plausible explanation in her mind. Xu must have been looking at forms dated over four years ago, even then, it was hard to comprehend. Her and Squall only talked _once_ in three years, and god only knew that didn't go well. He certainly wouldn't have left all of his possessions to her. This brought her back to the only logical thought - it had to be clerical error on the part of Garden.

_It had to be._

"Xu…" She pressed hard, just to speak the elder's name. Her mind, body, and thoughts were anything but synchronized. The sorceress found herself shaking, as her voice softly echoed the only words replaying in her mind.

"It's a mistake. This _is_ a mistake. We broke up three years ago. He wouldn't…. No."

"Rinoa, it's not a mistake." Xu reached forward placing her hand gingerly over Rinoa's. The younger woman refused to make eye contact. Instead, her face remained peering downward.

The headmistress tried to explain to the best of her abilities, "Rinoa, I don't know if you recall or not but, SeeD members are required to update this information every six months. This was actually done five months ago, in another month it would have been updated again. It's mandatory. Squall never removed you as the beneficiary of his will. I'll admit, I was surprised the first time, after your departure. But he insisted that it was never to be changed. He had plenty of chances, Rinoa, but please remember, these were his final wishes."

"No… that just doesn't… It can't."

She was confused beyond words, and embarrassed by her actions. She felt lost and alone. It was involuntary, but she buried her face within her hands. It might have been that childishness coming through, but she could give a damn. She honestly wanted to hide, to get away from this place, to get away from this world. Nothing was making sense to her, and nothing was getting easier.

"Rinoa, I didn't mean to spring the news on you like this. If I had known that you weren't aware in the least, I would have waited until later this evening. I just knew you were eager to get our conversation over with and I actually thought… well, I thought it was because of this."

"Why would he?" Rinoa hopelessly questioned.

Nothing was going to make her understand this. Hell, even talking to Squall, if that had been remotely possible, wouldn't have helped the situation. He would more than likely just evade her questions with indirect answers, if he bothered to explain at all.

"I couldn't tell you." Xu softened, leaving her role as headmistress aside. In her tenure, she had not known Rinoa well, but she had known enough of the sorceress to respect her. No amount of gossip or hearsay would sway her opinion; she had not risen to power taking stock in such frivolity. She had also greatly respected the commander, not only for his station, but as a person, and that alone spoke volumes to Rinoa's character.

The SeeD continued in a more sympathetic tone than in previous words, "Maybe Squall never felt as close to anybody else. Maybe he just wanted to make sure you were financially stable, he was rather practical when it came to such matters but…it's really not my place to speculate."

Honestly, the Xu would have speculated a few _other _reasons, but the reality would have not served anybody any good. Maybe it was best to let those observations remain buried in the past.

When Rinoa made no future attempt to question, Xu once again found herself settling into the role of Garden mediator. "All I'm honestly here for right now is to get this estate settlement underway. What you do with anything, money or property, is solely up to you."

"I just can't."

The sorceress shook her head finally removing her hands from her face. She couldn't hide, as much as she wanted to; it was not how she needed to handle the situation. Rinoa tried to comprehend his reasoning, even a little, though it was a near impossibility.

"Rinoa, _these are really his wishes_." The SeeD offered the sentiment with more verbal forcefulness than before. Xu smiled in a gesture of sympathy as Rinoa subconsciously bit her lower lip. It might not have been acceptance on the sorceress's part, but for now, it would be taken as such. The older SeeD smiled and again returned to some of the more pressing issues of legality.

"Again, the financial end will take a few days. I will keep you dutifully informed on the progress. However, all personal objects, properties, and other physical items are legally yours after you sign our copies. You may distribute them as you see fit, I know he has other friends and family. All decisions made by you are final, and will not be appealed by Garden."

Rinoa still tried to absorb this, everything he ever owned, was hers? He expected her to actually deal with his belongings and divvy up any reminders to his friends? A sharp flash of anger washed through her, though she knew that wasn't right. How? How could she go through his things and hand them out as if they were some sort of trophies to his life? Did he really think about this, or was this some backwards attempt to get back at her?

God no… she knew that wasn't his reasoning, but it all felt so overwhelming. And honestly, right now, she could find no other viable explanation for his seemingly-erratic actions. Since the moment she saw his picture on the television back in Timber and heard the news reporter speak the grave news, everything just felt off… Her entire existence felt as if she was only an observer in her own life story. This was not happening, it could not be happening. It couldn't be…

Rinoa looked toward Xu as if the words she had just spoken had somehow poisoned the air. The sorceress tried to sit upright and digest the truth from her own made up fallacies. However, the truth was, she wasn't ready for the new responsibilities, but she acted the part nonetheless. Her mood turned attentive and she relied on everything she had ever learned working in the political field.

"Now, Rinoa, because Squall's personal residence is on Garden property, you will need to be escorted at all times by SeeD personnel while in his apartment. Any computers, PDAs, mobile phones, or any other electronic media that may contain classified information, have already been seized by Garden. An escort will need to be present at all times, to verify that no confidential items are taken off premises. This is standard policy with any Garden related fatality. However, given the personal history involved here, I'll try to arrange it so that either Quistis or Selphie will always be assigned with you. I want this to be as comfortable to you as possible, given the circumstances."

Still, Rinoa sat aimlessly disorientated, but at least she appeared the part outwardly; most of Xu's words were nothing but muffled background noise. This whole situation was a grotesquely-surreal dream. She only wished someone would wake her before she was trapped in this hellish nightmare forever.

The magnitude of the situation had not dawned on her, nor could it while still a state of shock. There was no way to fathom that she would be responsible for every item contained within his apartment. It was something that she would have to face physically to even begin to heal mentally. Nor had she stopped to consider the full processes involved and the vast amount of time it would take to pack his belongings.

The truth was, the commander was the furthest thing from a packrat. Still, over the course of a lifetime, there were countless items he had acquired unbeknownst to even him. From his living room sofa to a sweater Zell's Ma had knitted him for the winter and every item in between - there were trivial items that now accounted for far more than the sum of his life.

And what about the friends he left behind?

He would expect her, or as well as she could dictate under the circumstances, to be the one that decided who would receive what, if any items at all. He was horrible at giving gifts to people in life. Apparently in death, he had no intention of rectifying that shortcoming. Friends, family… even Lauren? She would be responsible for giving all of them some remembrance of him.

How in the hell did Rinoa end up with this task? Her emotions swayed drastically between shock and anger. Why would he place her in such a volatile situation? Had that been his intention by placing her name on these damned documents? Again, she doubted that thought, but who knew the inner workings of Squall Leonhart's mind? Even she was clueless on that matter.

Not to mention she had not considered the intimate level of commitment and emotional strength it would require, to actually follow through. He had always been guarded in their relationship, never completely letting her in his walls and now…she would be discovering everything. These would be, in fact, now her secrets by proxy.

Little did she know that one of the items was meant to be hers years earlier; he just never found the courage to follow through with his heart. His mind always got in the way.

She would learn all his secrets, even those contained in a velvet box.

* * *

At least it was over until this place would drum up the next atrocity. What a comfort that was to him. Squall was agitated, tired, mentally worn and honestly, rather pissed. He needed to get out of this jail cell on four wheels; he especially needed to get away from his forced partner in crime. He needed to get away from everything at this point, including himself, but his needs seemed moot in the vast scheme of life. With the new information received from Dollet, it was obvious where their next stop would be – back to the place where this nightmare began.

Cid had informed them that they would be leaving later tonight, after enough audio and visual evidence had been acquired. Of course, their efforts today could be all for naught. It was nothing more than a roll of the dice and the house always seemed to have loaded ones. He continued to stare at the ornately decorated wooden box that was supposedly his final resting place. It became rather entrancing in sick, hypnotic way.

He listened to strangers as they walked up and offered him false gratitude, a safe journey, and not too surprisingly, a few seemed ironically pleased by his demise. He marked the time stamp on the tape when those people would speak, and would look into the leads later. He didn't take their words to heart; he really didn't care about them. It was the times when his friends came up that he would remove his headsets. He couldn't hear them. He wasn't ready for their words, or the betrayal they would most likely feel later. Those words were meant to be private and he honored that sanctity.

It had been a good fifteen minutes since the martial artist had spoken, a small miracle unto itself, if he believed in that type of thing. He didn't. Still, it was inevitable, the silence would be broken. It was a given, such as the sun rising in the morning.

"Can I ask a question?"

"Why stop now," Squall replied almost spitefully. Zell's persistence was grating on him and if he didn't get out of here soon, he doubted this would end well.

"Um, where are they going to bury you?"

"I'm not dead."

"Well I _know_ that. I mean, where do people think they are going to bury you?"

"Outside Balamb, I believe."

"Is that what you wanted? I guess I never thought that would be… Well, I mean, is what you had asked for?"

"No."

He wanted to come back with some snappy answer, but truthfully, there was none. In all of his years of service to SeeD, he had not come to a definitive decision. Now, the choice was being made for him. But really, he found that Garden had no other logical option.

Winhill was his birth place, but it certainly wasn't a home. His mother may have been buried there, and most likely his father would join her side. That was their life, not his. For awhile, he might have said the orphanage, but now that held too many memories and regrets. That wasn't his life either – anymore. So this left the only thing he was - a member of Garden. Balamb is where he grew up, and quite frankly, where a part of him died.

So since SeeD defined his life, it was also destined to define his death.

* * *

The president had been here before; he had felt the pain of loss firsthand. It wasn't a place that one could physical travel to, rather a vacant state of mind that often consumed both heart and soul. He had given up trying to smile today, as his eyes masked the pain that he wasn't allowed to admit publically. Here, he was the same as any other mourner outwardly. It was a fate that had been sealed nearly a quarter of a century ago, when he had followed the footsteps of another path.

Still, that ardent need to right a wrong overwhelmed him. It might not have been his son this time, but it was someone nearly equally as important to him emotionally. He had watched Rinoa leave during the service, there was no other choice but to let her leave; it wasn't his right to stop her. Yet, it was his need to find her now, to see if by some miracle, he could help her when he seemed to fail her former knight so greatly.

He had followed hearsay that she was in the Quad and after that turned out to be a dead end; he retraced his steps back towards the ballroom. After a few more minutes of circling, he happened to follow a small hallway that branched just off Garden's main entrance by chance. His chest ached when he saw a solitary figure sitting against the wall. Her head looking toward the heavens for answers that obviously neither of them would ever receive.

"Hey, could you use some company?"

Laguna's question was rather pointed. In fact, he was the one who was in dire of need of companionship. He offered her a reassuring smile, or at least he tried behind water filled eyes. She nodded and feebly attempted to return the gesture, though it was barely noticeable. He sat down on the floor directly beside her, not caring about image. It might have not been befitting for the president of the most technologically-advanced country to sit in a foot worn hallway, but it was fitting of a man and father, in grief.

Rinoa was grateful for the companionship. She had been alone enough in her lifetime. Her words were soft and carried the weight of the day, "I'm so sorry, Laguna. I shouldn't have left. I didn't mean to… I'm just so sorry."

"Why do you feel the need to apologize? I certainly don't blame you. Hell, I honestly wished I could have joined you, but…"

"I know, leaving wouldn't exactly set the best political standard."

"Screw politics," he halfheartedly joked, but it was built on the foundation of truth. "I guess I just felt all the times I wasn't there in his life, well, at least I could be there this time… just a little longer."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate it."

They both faintly smiled, and in unison, each replied with a version of, _"No, no he wouldn't."_ Though their answers were not worded the same, their sentiments were identical.

Rinoa shyly turned her face from him, not positive how to say these words aloud. Again, just like with Squall's death, if she said the words out loud, they would then become a truth. She was still fighting with the words Xu told her, how was she supposed to admit them to another? Still, this man had a right to know. Hell, he had more rights to the commander's affairs than she ever did. It was somehow fitting that Laguna would be the first to hear, as it was a truth that he needed to know before all others.

"I… Laguna, Squall… he left me everything."

"What?"

"That bastard left me everything in his will."

Her anger slipped out bitterly, along with tears she had held since collapsing in the hallway. Her body started to tremble, in pent up emotion and unfounded rage. How could he do this to her without any emotional accountability? Of course, she didn't really think of him as the 'names' her mind labeled him. Anger and grief were clouding her judgment, and truthfully, Laguna understood her pain and resentment all too well.

"Dear God," was all that he could manage, pulling her into his arms.

The president couldn't fathom why his son would make her go through that - why would he pull her back into the past? He, himself, had suffered the loss of Raine. Although she had very little in the way of worldly possessions, most of the sorting was handled by others in Winhill. He never had to pack her belongings. He never had to see every last memento and remindful photograph. He never had to place that final piece of tape on a box and write on it with a marker as if it were nothing. Would this be a curse or a blessing?

Now Rinoa would have to relieve the past. She no longer was given a say in her own destiny. Laguna knew she was strong, but right now, with the loss of a former knight, no matter how much they were separated by time and distance, sorting through his things…it might be emotionally devastating. He would not let her face that misery by herself.

"I'll help you. You don't need to face this alone."

"No," she said almost too quickly.

It sounded as if she wasn't grateful for the offer - that was the furthest from the truth. Rinoa knew that she could not put Laguna through another tragedy. She would take this fate and accept it as gracefully as possible. She also knew that he would continue to insist since they were alike in so many ways.

"I'm sorry Laguna. I really didn't mean to sound like that… It's just that I already have help, Garden is making sure that Selphie and Quistis will be there. I'll be taken care of, so please don't worry about it. I know that if I need anything, you'll always be there for me."

"All right," he agreed, although it still felt as if he was abandoning a duty all over again. But his son had voiced his wishes through his will. If Squall wanted Rinoa to be in charge of this part of his legacy, he would abide by it. He wouldn't like it one damn bit, but he'd do it to honor his son.

"Rinoa, please, just don't try to start anything today… or not even tonight. I want all of us to make it through today as the dysfunctional family we are. Just make it through today, and then start making it through tomorrow."

"Deal."

Honestly, she had no intentions of starting today. She had no idea of where, how, or what to start on even if she tried. She would allow herself today for grieving and a lifetime for mourning. Right now, she needed her friends and adoptive family, and they would all be there for each other in return. As family.

"Are you busy tonight?" he asked nervously realizing how lame his question sounded given the circumstances. "I mean, not that I want to know. Okay, I mean I do want to know…"

He exhaled outwardly, trying to regain verbal composure. Even age and experience never helped him to get better at finding the right words for the right time. It was a reality that plagued him since before he could even remember.

Still, he tried, he always did. "It's just that Ellone talked to me after the service. She mentioned that the group was having a private dinner tonight, you know, without the hoopla. I was hoping you were going. I know everybody wants you there."

"Yeah, Quistis had mentioned it to me last night. I just wasn't sure if I-"

"You should." The fact was as simple as that. He wanted her to know that too.

"It's just that-"

"You know, if you keep making excuses, I'm going to keep on interrupting you. Rinoa, tonight's not for Squall, it's for us. Right now, we need that, you understand?"

"Fine. You know, I could never argue with you for long."

"Come on." He stood up, offering his hand. She wanted to decline, but this no longer was about her wants. Trying her best to forge a smile, the sorceress accepted his gesture and shakily rose to her feet.

"I'll join up with you later tonight. There's something I need to do right now, if not, I may never get the courage."


	8. When the Bough Breaks,  A Matter of Time, and Sleeping Dogs

_ **Chapter Twenty-Two: When the Bough Breaks ** _

Her body trembled, her mind raced. Rinoa had been here this morning, but her visit was cut short by the tides of fate. It took everything she had remaining in her just to return to this site. It may have been several years too late, but she did return to him. Now she stood alone with her thoughts and the memories of everything she had ever been.

The ballroom had been cleared, for security measures alone. And for whatever reason SeeD had seen fit, they allowed her this opportunity to say her peace. Somehow, she thanked Xu for this given chance; it was most likely not done by the actions of the headmaster. She tried hard to refrain from holding onto bitterness, but she found that task increasingly difficult as time passed. Still, Cid had been kind to her at one point in her life, and maybe, somehow, this was Garden's version of extending an olive branch.

It was too late in coming but, at least it was something.

The ballroom lights had been dimmed. Most of the area remained within the shadows, but it was still bright enough to see the tears when they were to fall. And they would fall - just not yet. She needed to do this with as much poise and strength that she could muster. He had at least earned that much through all the hardships and adversity he had faced.

Her clothes had been changed. She was no longer in a dress suit, but in khaki pants and an ecru blouse. She had enough of high heels and nylons for one day. Her footsteps were silent as she walked across the marble floor, a stark contrast to so many other times when she had walked this path. Her hair was pulled back into an upswept ponytail. There was no formality in this instance.

And of course, she wore no makeup. She didn't care about her appearance; it was only another mask that wasn't who she had become throughout her life. Plus, any attempts were in vain under such circumstance, tears only left trails. Right now, she was only here as Rinoa Heartilly and not as a sorceress, not a politician or even one of the saviors of the world.

And she was in enormous pain.

She would be heading up with her friends after this; she had promised them and she would not allow herself to break her word again. She would have to wipe the tears away and find the will to carry through, but that had become a fallacy she had done too often in her lifetime.

The casket had been moved back to its original position from before it was wheeled in for the memorial. Most of the flowers were lined up on the other side of the room now, few surrounding the coffin now. His casket was no longer lost in the colorful jungle of flora and fauna that would have annoyed him to no end. The SeeD flag still draped solemnly over top but the single rose she had left this morning was, of course, gone. It had been most likely removed on purpose or fell off by accident. It probably had fallen to the ground and stepped on by mourners, which would have been poetically just in her eyes.

Now she was finally alone with Squall once again. It was not the way she had dreamed of for the last few years, but those thoughts were only a fairy tale. Every story had to end, and right now, she was destined to write their final chapter. This is not the ending either of them foresaw, but it would be the one penned to their epilogue. There was no turning back, no other opportunities.

This became their final page and she knew it.

"I bet it seems like you can't get rid of me now, huh?" she softly tried to begin with a slight laugh. At that moment, there were no other emotions left within her to give.

"Better late than never right?" she paused, "Yeah, maybe not."

She crossed her arms, wrapping them in a manner to try to comfort her. But it, like everything else in her life right now, failed. She held herself tighter as to offset both the nervousness and fear.

"Okay, I can do this…" Those words were not meant for him, but to encourage herself. She let out a deep breath and took a step forward. This was her last chance to say the truth.

* * *

The two SeeDs had been wrapping up their surveillance. It really wasn't that difficult, beside the time consuming task of cataloging several videos and audio recordings. After the ballroom had been mostly cleared out and the lights dimmed, the commander had taken off his headsets. However, the video feeds remained active and continued to record. Both Squall and Zell were busy with the tedious job of labeling and left the monitors running in the background.

The duo had taken great lengths to stay out of one another's way. The martial artist in particular tried to adhere to this mantra, especially after his last verbal exchange with the commander. Squall's attitude, as a result of being confined, had only worsened throughout the remainder of the afternoon. It was now evening and there was no sign that it would change anytime soon. There were no words that Zell could offer to sooth, so he just tried his best to keep to himself. The two would talk only when it became absolutely needed for work - simple words and statements pertaining only to their mission but nothing more.

The commander's back was toward the monitors. Zell was using a flat surface nearby to stack his portion of evidence. The martial artist had made a mistake with his last piece of masking tape, and ended up rolling into a ball. He should have thrown the trash away, but his boredom was great and his need for entertainment ever greater. So he had turned the piece of tape into a miniature ball and now was acting as if his fingers were legs. With his newfound toy, he started kicking the waded tape like a ball.

He had been doing this a minute or so, and either the commander hadn't noticed, or couldn't give a damn. Either way, it was a welcome break from the tediousness. Unfortunately, he ended up _kicking _a little too hard and found the 'soccer ball' had inadvertently sailed passed its intended goal. It ended up being deflected off the lower monitor and fell unceremoniously to the ground. Reaching over to retrieve his toy, he caught sight of a shadow laden figure in one of the monitors.

At first, his thoughts immediately went to the mission and maybe all this goddamned waiting had actually paid off. That was until he noticed a familiarity about the intruder. His jaw clenched when he realized the scene playing out before him, moreover, the fact his comrade was completely unaware. There was an initial instinct to keep this from the commander; in reality, there was no good that could come out of this latest development. Squall's demeanor was nearly unbearable now, and if he saw this, it may develop into an emotional torrent that could be devastating.

And of course, Zell would be directly in the path of Hurricane Squall.

But really, Zell's welfare didn't matter in this case. The martial artist understood this fact, because above all, he knew this was reality and both Squall and Rinoa needed a damn wake up call. This might be their last chance, even though both would vehemently deny that there was even the smallest shot in hell. Zell knew this would not end well for the short term, especially for him if he were to feel the brunt of the emotional fallout, but his only concern was what could be gained long term. There was still something very alive between these two and this fact could never be denied.

"Squall…"

"What?" The commander snapped venomously. He knew when Zell started a statement with his name, it wasn't usually work related. It was an attempt to be personal in nature. Apparently, the martial artist forgot they all had gone through the same mental training.

"The monitor… look."

Squall spun around, ready to be irritated by the newest interruption. He wasn't. In fact, he had to stop himself from letting his ire take hold in verbal form. He stood without ever removing the monitor from his line of sight and maneuvered forward just as stealthy. Zell never needed to be asked, as he moved from his present position and had the foresight to move away. He allowed the commander all the space that could be given under the circumstances.

Reaching quickly for the headset, Squall turned up the volume so only he could hear. He didn't know how much he missed, or what he missed, but he was just grateful for this small glimpse of sanity. It was truly an irony that never occurred to him. Earlier, when his friends had said their goodbyes, he never intruded on their privacy, yet with her, he just needed to hear her voice one last time. He needed to hear her speak his name. She was talking to him, something she had not done for years, something that he had often taken for granted in their relationship.

Only now, she didn't know he was really listening…

* * *

Rinoa had known this fear in her life before. It was a finality that she had suffered many times. This was it; this was the last time for the truth. It was the acceptance of an end, which never grew easier with the passing years. Still, the only way to heal was to accept. So she would, or at least _try_.

"I can't… I can't do this anymore," she whispered, placing her hand on the casket. Her body shuddered with the contact but her heart forced her to continue, "You asked me about my life at the wedding… you asked me how I was doing. I guess it's time that I told someone the truth… I don't even think that I've admitted it to myself completely."

Her voice quivered and she fought against all too familiar fears. Her fears. The same ones she felt with the sorceress in Deling. Squall was there to save her then but nobody could save her now – except herself. She needed to keep talking. The silence only brought about more pain.

"Sometimes, I'm all right and other times… I'm not so all right. I guess I try to think about Timber a lot. Sometimes it becomes more than just a place to me; I feel like it's become the only thing that I have to show for my life. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous, the fact that I think of a city as the meaning of my life. At times, I understood how you felt about SeeD, but it's still not the same as having someone to-"

No, this was not about her loneliness, this was about the past.

"At first, it wasn't real. None of this was… I'd fooled myself into thinking everything was only temporary. That you'd come running after me and tell me you needed me. But you never really did need me, did you? I grew up. I had to."

One hand remained on the casket, while the other reached for a familiar chain. It had become her strength, and the symbol of her loss.

"I kept thinking we were some kind of fairy tale. I wanted you to come after me. I never needed the white horse, or the castle, I just wanted my knight. I waited… I waited because I believed you'd come after me. Ridiculous and juvenile, I know. God, I suppose, in some way I expected it. Then somewhere along the line, I realized you weren't coming. It was damn hard but I survived… and that's all I did. Survive. Nothing ever felt…."

She was doing it again. Going to that place that in her heart that had been locked away. She wasn't going to let that happen. Not again. He wanted to know about her life and it wasn't all bad. She had made something of herself, and was proud of her accomplishments. They were small, but they were hers.

"I love Timber. I do like my job, and you know what? I'm pretty good at it. I bet that would surprise you. I mean, the 'amateur' actually did something right. I just wish it wasn't the only thing… I want you to know there are people in Timber for me. I mean who care, and of course there's Angelo, obviously not _people_ but she helped me a lot." She actually let out a small laugh at just how pathetic that sounded out loud. "Don't worry, Zone and Watts were wonderful when I first came back, they tried so hard to keep my mind off things. Watts met someone though, she's really nice. You would probably say you didn't like her, but I know you would. You were always difficult that way… Then there is Zone and well he-."

She felt the weight of guilt fall upon her. She remembered kissing Zone, she remembered wanting desperately to be held in someone's arms. She remembered almost letting herself go in false pretense, just to feel the least bit alive. But then she remembered it wasn't Squall. Nobody was Squall. And she felt guilt for that very thought.

"Zone's a complicated situation. He's everything I should want… but I just couldn't." She couldn't say anymore to her former knight about that rather awkward situation. It was another rather complex situation she would have to face after she returned home. She had left Timber without ever really seeing that through, but she would wander down that path later.

She also realized that she probably had talked longer about her feelings to him in the last few minutes than during the course of their relationship. If he was around, he would have cut her off by now, either verbally or by body language. He had never done well with heartfelt confessions.

"You'd probably tell me to be quiet about now if you could. I can almost see your expression and how irritated you'd be." She had pictured his face and felt the harsh realization she would never see him again, not even in passing. In her mind, she could see him smiling. He was more beautiful than he would ever know, both inside and out.

"I'm so sorry… Squall."

She choked out his name, which was accompanied by a bitter sob. Yet a clear image of him would not weaken from her thoughts. It was that first magical evening on the balcony, that vivid scene that refused to fade. The way he had kissed her with confident innocence, or at least that is how it was perceived. She was the one whose head was spinning then like it was spinning now.

The sorceress could no longer stand unaided as her mind spun violently with tormented thoughts. She rested her head on the casket, collapsing her body against its wooden frame. It was morose and morbid, but it was the closest she would ever be to him again. If she closed her eyes, and let herself believe hard enough, he was holding her as he had so many nights.

Past, present and future became one jumbled mess. She could see him for the first time standing alone in the ballroom through a crowd of people. She could see him on the first night they made love. She could see as rain soaked his face as he watched her leave. She could even see that he was watching her now, like an angel watching from nearby. She had to stop this. Now. She pushed back the thoughts. On some level, she actually felt sympathy toward Ultimecia... and that scared her beyond death.

She had to pull the emotions back. This was about closure; she wanted him to be happy. She had meant those words. It was hard as hell to say or to think, but he deserved happiness. Her fingertips gently moved toward a brass handle adoring the casket. She instinctively pulled her fingers away from the cool metal and pushed herself upright. This wasn't right.

She needed to believe that he had found that happiness. So she would let herself believe that, and accept it as truth. At Selphie's wedding, she saw him dancing with Lauren. He seemed so settled and calm. Even when he talked to her in the park, there was a maturity she had never seen in him. That man was not the person she remembered. She didn't know if that fact made it easier to accept this or made that much harder.

"I hope you loved her. I hope she made you happy. I watched you dance with her… it was beautiful. It hurt like hell, but it was beautiful. You were beautiful."

Her mind went back to the conversation with Xu. The SeeD had mentioned his will had been updated five months ago. In one more month, he would have done it again. She believed Lauren would have been named and everything would have come full circle. It was only by chance that she was still on there, this oversight made it more painful for everyone involved. She wanted to say something about her anger, about the demons she had still to face. Yet, she couldn't. There was a lifetime for anger and regret. Right now was just a feeble attempt at comfort.

"I suppose I've been in here long enough, everyone's going to worry about me. That's the last thing I need right now. Squall… I guess nothing went like we planned, huh? Nobody can predict the future right? I sure as hell wouldn't have predicted this ending... not in a million lifetimes. I just want you to know. I _need_ you to know... that what happened, the choices you made. I understand."

She needed to leave before her sanity was lost. She needed to say those words she had never found the courage to say – not on that last rainy night, not on that night on the park bench, not any night thereafter.

"Squall, I don't know if you remember, but the night I left, I asked you 'who finds their soul mate at seventeen?' You just looked at me... I just wanted you to say something... anything. I wanted you to tell me it was going to be okay. But it was never okay, was it? I have to tell you the truth; it's my last chance... I did. I found my soul mate and..."

Her heart pounded and she felt the tears freely fall. It took all her strength to stay composed, but she did. Placing her hand on the casket, she said what she had been hiding.

"And that's the problem… I love you… I'm still in love with you. I just needed you to know that. But I have to say this..."

Then she said the one word that made it final.

"Goodbye."

* * *

He had listened to her every word. Every feeling he had tried to bury seemed to surface in a firestorm of emotions. Everything he had tried to deny was no longer repressed by his self doubt. He had made mistakes; he had also tried to blame _everybody_ but himself at some point. Then the truth damned him. He, alone, lived with the incomparable guilt. His past weighed on him like an anchor, his fears kept his life stagnant.

He should have gone after her; he should not have let fate dictate his path. He should have found strength and culpability, without that he was doomed from forgiveness. He shouldn't have let pride blind him. It didn't matter what others thought, believed, or knew. He had lived in a self-imposed prison. He never believed there was still any hope… today there was.

This charade was going to end. Now. He had hurt her enough, lies and accusations born of fear. She needed to know the truth, all of it. The commander removed his headsets, tossing them forcefully against the monitor. He stood hell bent on resolution. He did not care about reason or logic; he was going to tell her the truth. He'd be damned to hurt her again.

"What in the hell are you doing man!"

Squall was going to leave; Zell could not let this happen. He grabbed the commander by the arm, knocking him off balance and into nearby equipment. The martial artist had not intended to be forceful, but he could not his friend be so reckless. And both SeeDs knew just 'asking nicely' wouldn't cut it. This was going to get physical. Unfortunately, the hours leading up to this, had all but dictated this outcome.

Squall regained his footing while retaliating against the attack. With the deadly combination of adrenaline and emotion, he lunged forward no longer holding back. "What do you think I'm doing? I'm going to put an end to this fucking charade!"

"Damn it Squall, we're in the middle of a mission."

"Screw the mission. Now get the hell off of me."

"Great... and what exactly are you going to do _commander_?"

Zell spoke the title maliciously. He too had reached a boiling point; Squall wasn't the only one whose family was suffering. The commander had been acting like a damn jackass and he was tired of taking his shit. He had tried to ignore the attitude and put it in perspective, but that was no longer a viable option.

The two continued trying to gain the upper hand in the physical battle. However, for once, it was Zell that held the mental advantage.

"Damn it Squall, if you walk out there what the hell are you going to tell people? You'll end up getting killed for real. Do you want to put everybody through _this _again? She thinks you're dead and those words weren't meant for you to hear. Do you think she'll simply understand? She's hurt, angry, and upset… you are too. Now is not the time to fix things."

The martial artist wasn't sure if his words were getting through, or if the commander was well beyond the point of reason. He had never seen his friend like this; Squall's erratic behavior scared the hell out of him. It was years of emotion coming to the surface.

"Squall, either way, this isn't going to end like you want. Not now, _not yet_." Zell had seen both of them suffer after the relationship ended. Neither could think with any clairvoyance in their current state. "Get back and finish your damn job... and then deal with her when it's safe. You're the one always telling us not to let your emotions dictate over reason."

Squall channeled all his conflict into physical strength. With the newfound surge, he pushed his attacker back with brute force. Zell slammed into the van doors, hitting his head and smashing against his earlier wounds. Staggering, he regained his foothold and bit back the immense pain. Neither of them should have been physically able to do this, nothing would end well if it wasn't stopped.

The martial artist had not retaliated again, nor had Squall gone on the offensive. Squall was coming to his senses, or so he hoped. It looked that Squall was also feeling the effects of his surgery; he was in obvious physical pain.

Zell had known the possible outcome when he saw the monitor. He accepted the risk, as the reward far outweighed the negative. Emotions had reached a volatile climax, something was bound to give.

Squall thought his chest would explode. It felt as if another bullet had torn through his body. He could not physically fight again, even if he had desired. The commander fought against allowing his body to show weakness. There was too much at stake. Yet he couldn't stop the water forming in his eyes. It was a physical release as much as an emotional one. He would not allow a single drop to fall. Not now. Everything had changed in the last weeks; nothing would ever be the same.

For so long he had dreamed of this chance... he was still causing her pain. He had heard her words. He was as powerless now as he had been back then. He looked to Zell for some kind of spiritual guidance that had been absent from his life. He needed to say the words to someone. He needed to say them before he found a reason to retreat into himself. He needed to say them to make them a truth.

"I love her."

And it was as simple as that. The words he had repressed for so long had been finally said.

"I know."

And Zell did know. In fact, everybody knew. Everybody but Squall. It was a confession that would take no one by surprise in context, but only in admission. In any other circumstance, this revelation would heal, but right now, the confession only brought hurt.

Winded, they both tried to catch their breath. Zell finally collapsed into a chair. He knew that Squall would not try to leave. The commander was rational above all else, sometimes that fact just had to be pointed out. Squall also allowed himself to yield to the pain, sitting back on the stool. He would not look Zell, not yet. His actions probably deserved explanation and he could give none. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. At least this time, nobody would die for his shortcomings.

However, Zell refused to stay silent this time. "After this, if it's worth fighting for, you do your damndest... and don't stop for anything. But if you do this now, you're not only risking your life, but hers. The killer thinks you're dead. He shot me in order to get to his target... you can't let that happen to her. Just don't risk possibility, or Rinoa's future, on emotions right now. You taught me that."

Squall would take his knowledge, his emotions, and his hope, and use it as he had done so many times before. Garden taught him how to fight; she taught him how to live.

So right now, he would do both.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Twenty-Three: A Matter of Time ** _

It had been two days.

Actually, it had been a little over two days. To be exact, it had been forty-nine hours and seventeen minutes. It was an interval which was destined to define the past. Today, Rinoa sat on a couch she didn't know, in a place she had never been in – Squall's new apartment. Quistis was going to a storage area to get tape for their packing. With that damned SeeD philosophy saying 'be ready for anything,' and yet not one of them remembered to bring tape to seal the boxes. She would have laughed at the irony, had she not been afraid that any emotional outpouring would lead to tears. Still, these minutes of solitude gave her time to think about everything that had transpired over the last days...

It had been extremely difficult to be in the building again. It was hard to walk past the same doorways, marble statues and even the same students that she had seen years prior. Some things had changed, but more had remained the same. After the night of the service, Garden had allowed Rinoa to stay in one of the quarters reserved for guests. Before, those rooms had been housing dignitaries, but now most of them had returned to their countries of origin.

It was over to them. The _next_ political function was the only thing that held any significance. Squall Leonhart was the past, at least, in terms of power. They didn't deal in the past.

Quistis had offered her friend the option to remain at her place, but Rinoa needed to feel at least somewhat independent. It was the only thing she had left to cling to, the person she had grown into. Originally, the sorceress would have returned to Timber by now. But after her discovery of Squall's will, those plans needed to be amended. She wanted to get things over with; she wanted the ability to go home and to heal within in her own time. The only way for that to happen was to close this chapter of her life. She couldn't let this reality loom; she had to release herself from the shadows.

His shadows.

So, two days ago, she walked out of the ballroom and into the rest of her future. It wasn't by an overwhelming desire to do so, but she had to prove to herself that she would survive. She would, in time. The question remained: just how much time would it take? She would truly never get over him, but she needed to live for herself. Squall would not want her to wallow in the past; he would actually insist upon her reaching for the future. Of course, it was much easier said than done, reality was another thing altogether.

Before she went to meet everyone that night, she went to the nearest bathroom, washed the dried tears and then made her way to her friends. The ones that were physically able were there, just as promised. They found solace in one another's company – at least for awhile. For several hours that night, they were able to laugh and joke, and if they even tried hard enough, they could almost forget the reason that brought them together. Almost, but never quite.

Irvine had been amazing; he was the pillar of strength for a foundation that had been silently crumbling. He had assigned this task onto himself, and honestly, the girls needed nothing less. The three women were strong by any standards, but sometimes, emotions clouded them. So he was there with quick wit and wry humor, trying to fill the roles of both Squall and Zell, but all knew those two could never be replaced.

There had been some promising news after the memorial and it became their greatest hope. The headmaster had reported earlier that Zell's condition had been upgraded. For awhile, he was able to breathe via his own accord. However, for his body to properly heal, Dr. Kadowaki had to place him in a drug-induced coma. It wasn't uncommon in this situation, but it sounded extremely drastic to those outside the medical field. Cid also had explained that visiting him was still very much off limits; both the headmaster and Xu were extremely worried about a possible security breach and all of them agreed that it was best to keep their distance. They could not endure another loss, so they would keep him in their thoughts and prayers. And they did, often.

That night, she laughed, she smiled, she _almost_ forgot. Rinoa had not yet told them the details of Squall's will. She didn't want to mention it, for this was the only evening where they were allowed not to think about 'what comes tomorrow.' At first, it had just been the four of them until Laguna and Ellone showed up. Ward and Kiros followed suit about twenty minutes later. Still, it was intimate enough and everyone felt as if they were truly with family. It had gone extremely well, under the circumstances, until almost three hours in…

It was just after ten o'clock. A knock on the door would change her mood and violently toss the sorceress back into reality. Xu arrived, but unfortunately, not alone. Lauren had come up with her, as both had been invited. Rinoa had known this moment might come, she just wished upon hope that it hadn't.

It wasn't Rinoa's right to deny his present. Just as Lauren, in return, could not deny that the sorceress was part of his past. Just _how important_ seemed irrelevant anymore, and frankly, Rinoa found it better if she never uncovered the truth.

Luckily, Rinoa had been sitting next to Laguna at this point in the evening. The two had already bonded over the years, but somehow, the connection seemed to have recently deepened tenfold. It was simply based on the commonality that they both felt as if they were outsiders to a point, foreigners in Squall's life. The president understood Rinoa's discomfort and nearly equaled the amount of her unease. Here, this SeeD was his son's current girlfriend and Laguna knew nothing of her, beside a haste introduction at the wedding. He didn't even know if Lauren knew that he was Squall's biological father. Maybe she still believed the president just some influential figure that had aided Garden during the Ultimecia conflict.

Most everything Laguna knew about Lauren, he deduced by his own eyes, rather than being told. She was obviously a SeeD, very dedicated by her ethics, and apparently, made his son happy. He would have _almost_ believed that last one if he hadn't known how to read between the lines. He observed the commander's behavior when they met a few months ago. The introduction Squall offered could have been personal, or it could have been a recited to anyone outside of Garden. In Laguna's opinion, the introduction was interchangeable with anyone: Quistis, Selphie, Xu, hell even Zell. There was no emotional attachment, beside respect for her accomplishments.

There was also something missing in Squall's eyes, something that had been there once – love.

Laguna would not question his son's reasoning, he rarely did. So he accepted their relationship at face value, including the quick verbal exchange at the wedding - where Squall introduced her only as _Lauren_. He had not labeled her anything deeper - not even a friend, a girlfriend, or for that matter, a SeeD at Garden. She simply had a name and nothing else.

It was a stark contrast to the way his son introduced Rinoa. Well, at least when Squall publically stated they were in a relationship. Everybody _knew_, but it was just one of those unspoken things – until Squall wanted to speak it. Of course, Laguna had met the sorceress during the conflict with Ultimecia, but it wasn't until a banquet later on that Squall admitted the relationship.

Laguna would never forget that night. He was actually taking a sip of punch when Squall walked up to him. It was rare that father and son would converse; it was even a rarer occasion that Squall would be the one to initiate the communication. There wasn't much said as they stood next to one another. There was awkward silence until a familiar sound reached Squall's ears. Rinoa had been laughing with Selphie and Irvine in a corner nearby. The commander had been watching her interact with the guests all evening, but this sound also drew Laguna's attention toward the sorceress.

"_We're together," _announced Squall out of the blue. The words were spoken with pride, but still with a hint of nervousness. Laguna had once felt that in his life with Raine.

Something important happened that day, even if they didn't know it. The two shared an unspoken bond.

"_I really like her,"_ the president replied.

It might have sounded cheesy, but it was the truth. He never was an eloquent man when it came to conveying emotion.

After a few seconds of prolonged silence, the knight simply answered, _"Me too."_

Then, Squall nodded to his father and walked away. The commander's admission was that straightforward, but how it happened, spoke volumes. Squall had offered that knowledge freely, an introduction was never coerced. And that is exactly how it felt at the wedding. Moreover, it was Laguna who made the first move towards any sort of introduction. The president still wanted to be part of Squall's life, and it was apparent that this woman was, so he would offer her the same hospitality as he had Rinoa. It didn't mean he had to like it, but he loved his son.

Now all Laguna could do was sympathize Rinoa and wish there was a way he could help her escape the pain. There were no words to make it better so he never even tried. All he could do was simply _be _there for her. He placed his arm around her shoulder, just as he had done at the service. And just like then, she accepted his gesture appreciatively.

They remained silent on the couch as Selphie and Quistis welcomed the newest arrivals. It was hard for Rinoa to watch her friends hug Lauren and for her to do the same in return. It was at that moment when the sorceress had a revelation - that Squall's girlfriend really had been accepted among the group, just as she had been years prior. But Rinoa was never a SeeD and never could be. She often voiced against their ideals, while Lauren embraced them explicitly.

Maybe that truly was the downfall in her and Squall's relationship, how can you truly be with someone, when you don't understand them down to the most basic of factors? How could she be with a SeeD and not believe in the cause? Maybe the deck had been stacked against her since the beginning but she had just refused to admit it from either pride or stupidity. She didn't have a clue which of the two it was.

Rinoa swallowed hard, hoping that Xu wouldn't mention the will, though she doubted she would. The sorceress had purposely avoided seeking out the SeeD that evening for that reason. Whatever paperwork and legal bureaucracy she had to fill out would most certainly be there in the morning. As Laguna stated earlier, she just needed tonight for herself.

However, it was the next words out of Xu's mouth that would shock the entire group.

"Lauren has been appointed the interim commander."

And just as with the politicians, it was apparent that SeeD also believed Squall to be the past.

"Wow, that was quick…really quick." Selphie tried to sound excited, but it failed in delivery.

"It's only temporary until Garden can find a permanent replacement," Lauren tried to again reiterate this was not likely to be a lasting promotion.

Xu did feel the need to stress the importance of Squall's position. He wasn't being replaced on a whim; it was going to be an extensive process on the part of Garden. "Cid was very adamant about the fact the search would take awhile. So nothing is set in stone, at least for the near future. He said it could take weeks, even months…" Xu added as an afterthought, "I honestly don't think he's in any great hurry. The loss was difficult for him also. Squall will never be replaced, only his title at Garden."

It wasn't long after that Laguna said he was tired and needed to retire for the evening. He politely asked Rinoa if he could borrow her; he wanted to show her the revised plans for Esthar's part of the Timber–Esthar railway, the one that would completely overhaul the rails via FH. Rinoa politely agreed, full well knowing that she had nothing to do with that legislation, it was Zone's project. It was just a viable way to excuse herself. She felt indebted to Laguna for the save once again, like son, like father – or at least in this case.

After that, she managed to go back to her room and eventually fell asleep amid the tears and the memories. The next morning, she followed through with Xu, thankful that the Trabian headmistress had decided to finish up Squall's estate and not hand that responsibility over to Lauren. Again, Rinoa gave her senior the benefit of the doubt, the situation was uncomfortable to all parties evolved.

Later in the afternoon, Rinoa told her friends about the will, but could not offer details. She didn't know many, and what she did know, was too difficult to talk about, at least then. They were shocked, yet Rinoa thought not as much as she had been by the news. Selphie seemed the most vocal between her friends, but it was just her personality to be forthright and ask questions.

Rinoa also mentioned the need for the escort and both women were more than glad to fill this role. It was decided that Quistis would work with her the following morning and Selphie would arrive a little later. That way they could manage a slight rotation, allowing them the time to distance themselves from the grieving. What shocked them was Rinoa's adamant desire not to rest once the process began. They wondered her reasoning, but decided to see how it played the following days. There was no use in trying to argue something that had not happened. Time would tell if the situation needed to be addressed at all.

So, two days removed from the service, Rinoa sat alone and just as confused as before. In all reality, she was not supposed to be left alone in the apartment, but it was just a quick trip for the instructor. If Garden seriously had a problem with her sitting numbly on a couch, well, then damn them.

His apartment was nothing that she would have expected. Maybe that was a good thing that it was not like his room, which held nearly a lifetime worth of memories for her. In fact, everything she could visibly see appeared to have been purchased within the last three years. For all intents and purposes, she could have been sitting in a stranger's apartment, and in a way, she was.

The living room was relatively simple, black furniture with glass tables; just a hint of crimson thrown in as an accent color and, amazingly enough, there was even art on the walls, basically consisting of oil canvasses strategically placed in sporadic locations. It was a stark contrast to the persona she remembered, with empty walls and a Garden-issued twin bed and a built-in desk.

No, she didn't know the resident who lived here. Not in the least.

She exhaled heavily, wishing Quistis would return. Her mind and body had both began to fidget; the silence was no longer comforting. Her eyes surveyed everything, wondering what in the hell she was going to do with all this stuff. Honestly, his furniture more than likely cost more than she would make in two years, but it wasn't her, and quite frankly, it wasn't him either. Then again, what did she know?

She scanned the room again, however, there was one piece of art she kept coming back to; it wasn't anything that stood out when she first entered beside its larger size. It was a canvas painting that adorned the wall behind his couch. It was also one of those modern, contemporary pieces she never could quite figure out. Yet, somehow, she could see more in this. She could see him, if she looked deep enough. Not physically, as it was rather abstract with the majority of it being in browns and shades of rusts. However, there was a black and white line that ran through the lowest third of the painting; to her, it almost looked like a conceptual piece of barbed wire. That was the only way she could describe it. She wondered if saw it as a representation of his life, if that is why he had picked it. Then again, knowing Squall, he just walked into a store and said pointed to the first thing. He really wasn't into appearances, though with his rise in stature, it may have become a necessary evil.

She closed her eyes, trying to clear her thoughts. After another minute of prolonged silence, she reached forward to a small sculpture that was resting on the coffee table. It was, well, _horrid _to say the least. She held it in her hands, wondering if he actually spent Gil on this thing, or if it was received as a gift. She hoped the latter, at least that would explain why he felt the need to keep it out in a public area. It was basically a circular hollowed object atop a rectangular base. She figured it was supposed to be one of those new age designs, but to her, it looked like a severally deformed, magnified piece of bacteria. Lovely. And now by default, it was hers.

Sighing, she placed it back down. This just felt surreal. She jerked in surprise as the door opened. She shouldn't have been shocked since she had been waiting so damn long. Her hand went to her chest as her heartbeat raced. She was usually a jumpy person and now that just seemed the understatement of the year.

"Hey, sweetie, you ready to do this?" Quistis asked closing the door behind her. The instructor already knew the answer; it was nothing more than a rhetorical question and something to break the tension.

"Sweetie?" Rinoa forced a laugh as she stood from the couch. "In all my years knowing you, you've never called me that. Actually, I've never heard you call _anybody_ that." Rinoa smiled trying to lighten the mood. "I feel like you're one my old nannies about to scold me."

"I do sound like that, don't I?" The instructor returned the laugh. Her earlier words hadn't been forced, but they certainly were not natural either. "I'm not sure where that came from, but honestly, I'm surprised I can even manage that much right now. I'm sorry, Rin."

"It's all right. At least you didn't call me darlin' or I would have seriously wondered what Irvine had done to your vocabulary."

"It's amazing how much others influence our words, isn't it?" Quistis pondered the words. Their characterizations had rubbed off on one another, even though unintentionally.

Rinoa looked downward. Of course this had not been the topic of conversation, yet right now, it was natural that most thoughts somehow steered back into one direction. "Did… did he still insist on answering with 'whatever' a lot?"

A pained look immediately settled on the instructor's features. It really had been a different time in their lives. "Not really, I guess," Quistis sighed at the realization. "I don't how much he honestly said it or how many times we just teased him about it. I believe that a line was blurred somewhere. I think the rest of us started to use the term in daily life far more than he ever did."

"Yeah… I understand."

She did. Rinoa remembered during the whole Ultimecia ordeal, she had called Squall a meanie a whooping total of two times. Oh, she could have called him much worse, and later she_ did_ call him much worse. But she was trying to keep up some semblance of being a 'lady' in those first few months. Still, her friends would never let her forget her truly unique way phrasing things. Her terminology became the butt of many jokes. Then again, they were mercenaries raised in Garden. Maybe they believed anyone who thought the word 'meanie' was an insult, truly led a sheltered existence.

The instructor grabbed a flattened box from the pile and seated herself on the floor. She motioned for the sorceress to do likewise, and the two began assembling the cartons. Quistis paused after she finished her first box. There was a matter which needed to be addressed in the near future, and it would better aid the planning if it was done now.

"Rinoa, have you made any decisions regarding his things? I mean, we can just randomly pack for now, but that really isn't going to address the underlying problems."

Rinoa fought against her momentary apprehension to breathe. She knew this question would inevitably be asked and she would inevitably be forced to answer.

"No, I really don't."

Rinoa wanted to go into some long tirade about how she had been forced into this position, how unfair it was, how she was angry and hurt, and every other emotion combined into one. Still, she had to do what was best. It was _his wishes_ after all; she kept reminding herself of this simple fact. Hurting Quistis with her momentary resentment would certainly go against that. It appeared, by body language alone, that the instructor was contemplating an idea. Rinoa was more than willing to listen to any suggestion offered, because truthfully, she was still way to numb to try to reason logically.

"Rin, I was talking to Cid before he left yesterday for Dollet." The instructor paused after she watched the younger girl's face involuntary flinch at the mention of the headmaster. It was odd, she thought, but it wasn't her business. "He had a few ideas, if you're willing to listen."

Rinoa shrugged her shoulders. Might as well, what did she have to lose at this point? Her sanity already seemed to be missing in action.

"He was hoping that you would consider putting his things into future storage, Garden would even allow it to be housed here. Same with any usable clothing and such. Emergencies are always happening in town and Garden has a long standing relationship with the residents of Balamb. This way, items could be donated as needed."

Of course, neither of them knew the real motives behind the suggestion; Cid's cleverly-worded ruse physically left the commander's possessions at Garden. They could easily be stored – until Squall returned 'from the dead.' The headmaster knew Rinoa and her charitable nature. He also knew that she would go along with this proposition. Well, he believed she would. Cid had learned to read people over the years; it was a great attribute to anyone involved in his field of expertise. In all honesty, it benefited her too, not having to deal with his belongings any further.

And just like he planned, Rinoa nodded in agreement. It did seem like a great idea to her, even if it was suggested by the headmaster. Cid had helped in charitable events before. Once, when Rinoa still was in Balamb, a local family lost all their belongings in a fire. Garden and its students rallied around the tragedy with adversity. They even went as far as to supply materials and labor for rebuilding. She, at the time, only believed it was for political gain – it was shortly after Ultimecia and Balamb and Garden needed to find mutual stability. But as Rinoa learned a long time ago, the reasons behind the charity weren't as important as the final outcome. If Squall's belongings could help a needy family, it would be worth listening to the headmaster's opinion.

"I think he'd really like that," Rinoa managed in a hushed whisper. It was said more for her comfort than for her companion's.

"We still need to go through and get all his personal belongings and…well, you understand what I mean." Quistis tried to elaborate, but the words fell flat.

"I do." Rinoa smiled.

She honestly found comfort in the idea of being able to help others. Yet that didn't negate that they would have to box and label everything. Also, she was still responsible for distributing mementos. It may not have been a necessary, as she knew Squall would not be the type of person to do such, but it became necessary for her wellbeing. She wanted him to be remembered by all his friends, they all deserved something of his life.

"So…" Rinoa began trying to lighten up the mood, if it was in the least bit possible. "Can you tell me the story behind the statue on the table?"

"Oh that God awful thing. It looks like a giant amoeba."

Rinoa chuckled, "I thought bacteria, but I think you're description fits best. So, I take it you really, really want it then?"

"Um…no. I say we all draw short straws for it."

"Did he actually pay money for that thing?"

"No, it was a gift from Mayor Dobe and his wife. I think some type of peace offering. Either that or someone fished it out of the ocean and wanted Squall to suffer. I just know it has something to with Fisherman's Horizon."

"Well, if that's the case," mused Rinoa thinking back to a certain musical concert given in the town. "I think the amoeba is going to Irvine. His idea of 'marking a spot' for Squall and I to sit was having a naked woman sprawled over a magazine spread. That fact was little more enjoyable for Squall than for me. I'll just think of giving that _thing_ to Irvine as payback."

"Yes, but you are forgetting about poor Selphie, she is just an innocent bystander in his…well, personality flaws."

"True, but you mentioned that he had an office, right?"

"Yes, yes he does." Quistis smiled at the realization. "I think we found the amoeba a new home."

"Well, one down, a million to go," the sorceress muttered under her breath. Rinoa turned to look at the instructor, feeling slightly ashamed broaching this so directly.

"Quistis, is there anything specific you would like? I mean, I'm not really sure how to go about anything," Rinoa sighed absentmindedly. "I know you two were close, and there was history…" She could feel the emotion starting to break free; she had tried so hard to keep it locked away. And she had done rather well today, up until this moment.

The instructor offered a tiny smile, but both knew it was an involuntary gesture at best. "I can't think of anything - nothing comes to mind. I guess, it's hard to think of what items defined him to me beside his jewelry and that black leather jacket I often threatened to take to a dry cleaner… Oh, and of course, his weapon."

Rinoa turned from that comment, shocked it hadn't crossed her mind before. It seemed so obvious when stated so plainly.

"Quistis, where is his gunblade?"

She noticed that the instructor stopped working at the mention of this, apparently she too had not thought about it in the confusion. The sorceress had stopped to contemplate his ring and pendant, if only briefly. But to her, it was an unspoken understanding, at least in her mind, that his jewelry would most likely remain with his body. She wouldn't allow herself to think more about Griever, it was way too personal of subject. His weapon, however, was a slightly different matter.

Rinoa continued to ponder about the gunblade's whereabouts, "Now that I think about it, I kinda figured it would be here, even displayed at the memorial."

The sorceress could mentally imagine SeeD's intentions. She pictured Lion Heart incased behind bulletproof glass, highlighting a shrine to the world's savior. It wasn't too late for that scenario to still play out; she figured it was only time before Garden turned this into something self-promoting. Maybe the only reason they had not carried forward was for the fact that she inherited everything. Maybe that was Garden's reason for allowing her some freedoms the last few days, to play upon her pity and goodwill. She wouldn't put it past them, but she hoped she was being overly cynical. That was a part of her that she wasn't sure if it existed years ago…

"You know," began Quistis, trying to recall something as if she had overheard information or whether she had just infused her beliefs with reality. "I am thinking…that I heard either Xu or Cid say that some of Squall's belongings were still at the hospital. I would have thought that everything would have been returned. The only thing I can reason is that Zell wanted it with him…or they are leaving it there for him? I guess if I think about it, the most logical thing would be that it's still evidence in the investigating. I honestly can't say. I'll ask the headmaster next time I speak with him."

Quistis paused before asking, "Do you have any ideas what you're going to do with it?"

"Yeah," She looked away. It was an easier option to look at the large painting, rather than face her friend. She knew she shouldn't be second-guessing this choice; but she was Rinoa, there was little chance of her changing her uncertainties. Still, after thinking about recent events, only one clear choice came to mind – and it certainly wasn't Garden.

"I think Lion Heart should go to Laguna, then he can pass it to Ellone. It was such a part of Squall and who he was, that it should remain in the family. I briefly thought about-" Her words stopped abruptly. Rinoa couldn't speak her views of Garden to Quistis. SeeD had taken so much from him, and she wouldn't allow them to glorify his weapon for the next generation. He may have been their savior, but he was somebody else's son.

"Squall would appreciate that," reassured Quistis. "He would probably argue with you just to save face about Laguna. But in the end, you'd make him understand and he'd eventually agree. It should remain with family."

"I'm stubborn when I want to be, Squall knows that." Rinoa mentally scolded herself - _knew_ that. _He knew that_. Damn that past tense again. She shook her head. Not now, not again. "Thank you for understanding though… If you do talk to the headmaster, please ask about it. I'd be very grateful."

After that, the two continued to assemble boxes wordlessly. Each seemed to be lost in the task. When a decent amount had completed, the instructor's earlier concerns resurfaced. They needed some type of educated plan, at least, that is what SeeD training dictated her to believe.

"Rinoa, so, do you have idea where you'd like to begin? I mean when we actually begin packing."

The sorceress shook her head. There was no answer she could state with absolute honesty. She didn't want to start - _at all._ **Ever.** Luckily, Quistis stayed rational, although her voice betrayed her own demons.

"Okay, if Garden is going to store most of the larger pieces, why don't we start with the bedroom? I think that is where most of his personal items would be located. I can contact a few students to start moving the furniture into storage. Most of the larger pieces could even be out by this evening."

Honestly, Rinoa didn't like this. Not one damn bit. There was something so personal about packing his belongings — they defined his life. She especially hesitated about those things in his bedroom. It was obvious most everything out here was for show, nothing relayed his personality. He would keep those things close; at least, he would have once upon a lifetime. Rinoa would rather begin with the kitchen. She doubted that seeing a spatula would make her memories resurface. That would not be the case in seeing photographs, clothing, and other items tied to the past. It was all those items that would only reminded her of what _could_ have been. And most importantly, what _should_ have been.

"Quis, um…can we start maybe in the kitchen? I'll work my up to the bedroom. I just don't…I can't. Not yet."

"I understand," she answered. Quistis knew certain things would come in time.

It was about two hours later when Selphie arrived. Although the mood was somber, it remained tolerable between the friends. Rinoa had been right on one count; she could mentally distance herself from plates, bowls, and from his turkey baster. She couldn't, even for the life of her, imagining Squall Leonhart cooking, let alone basting a turkey. That was not the man she remembered. It was easier to distance herself from _that_ person.

The kitchen had taken them only a few hours to pack. Rinoa found herself procrastinating. She would wrap a glass just a little longer than necessary. She would stare at the designs of the silverware; she even compared the prongs of the salad forks to those of the appetizer forks. At one point, she even stopped packing completely to assemble more boxes - just 'in case' they ran out. A box shortage was actually never a danger, yet the sorceress desperately willed it to be.

It was Selphie, of all people, to make them move forward when the kitchen was complete. Rinoa had suggested the bathroom even, but Selphie knew what her friend was doing. It was an emotional defense, the two SeeDs had witnessed this often in their line of work. It was even closer to the situation than Rinoa would ever come to understand. Squall, himself, had been using this defense since she had left Garden.

Eventually the three made their way into his bedroom. It just so happened that by the time they made their way out, everything they had ever come to believe about their commander would be challenged.

* * *

* * *

_ **Chapter Twenty-Four: Sleeping Dogs ** _

Rinoa had been standing outside the bedroom, willing her feet just to make it over the threshold. After that, it would get easier, right? She figured that taking that first step was half the battle; at least she had made herself believe in that fallacy. Selphie and Quistis seemed to have an easier time walking in, but that hadn't surprised her. They always seemed to be much more in control of their emotions than her, or at least outwardly. She hadn't felt this weak in a long time.

She had closed her eyes in some pathetic attempt to walk forward and not see the reality which lay before her. She was surprised when she felt a presence beside her however. As Selphie softly reached for her forearm, she opened her eyes to see the SeeD standing there.

"Rin, let's do this together, okay?"

It wasn't spoken in malice or in judgment; it was one friend helping another through a trying situation. God, she missed these people but she was the one who had done that to herself. There was no reason for her lack of communication with them beside her own pride and denial of her past. She couldn't hide from them anymore. Rinoa nodded, not speaking a word. Selphie offered a smile and slowly began to move forward. The sorceress inhaled deeply, letting oxygen flood her lungs. Then she did it. It was just a few simple steps, but it was another barrier she had managed to cross.

Another step into her future.

Squall's bedroom was spacious; it was unexpected in her mind. He surprisingly owned an entire bedroom set – a matching one at that. His work desk was also in here and could tell where his computer would have been on it. Xu had mentioned that Garden had removed it, so that came as no great shock. There was no one single factor which led to her surprised reaction to his bedroom. Still, when she saw this place, she was honestly rendered speechless.

Thankfully, Selphie was able to look objectively at the situation. He had a king size bed and the black lacquer headboard was literally a built-in bookcase. From end to end, there was a plethora of manuals, books and everything else that seemed to do with Garden and SeeD. A few select ones seemed to be missing as there were evident gaps. Again, it was likely that those missing manuals would have been those which Garden had deemed classified. Selphie sat on the edge of bed, picking up the first book she came across and started leafing through it.

"Seriously, Squall had all his manuals on his bed! I mean, do you wake up in the middle of the night and say, 'Hey, I wonder what the policy is for wearing socks with uniforms? Let's check it out because I know that's what keeps me up." She smiled, trying to ebb the tension.

"Are you kidding," Quistis added with a faint smile of her own. "That is the sort of useless knowledge he would recite verbatim."

"True, the man knew his socks," Selphie interjected with a contained giggle, "A walking encyclopedia of the do's and don'ts of Garden fashion faux pas in footwear."

Selphie tried to remain smiling as she placed the manual in an otherwise-empty box. It was evident that this carton was going to be for Garden-related items. Just in case something had been overlooked in the earlier sweep, Selphie thought it best that she continue packing in this area.

"I'll work over here, if you like." Her comment was directed at Quistis, though she had said it in general.

"All right."

The instructor had noticed that Rinoa had still remained motionless since entering. She hated to admit it, but for all the time they had spent with the sorceress, everything between them had just felt different. There were times where they seemed like the close friends they once had been, and then there were times that Quistis realized that time had changed all of them. It was the same, but also, completely different.

It seemed that for the most of the time, their conversations were rather impersonal. There were times, as on the living room floor, the instructor could feel that bond they had shared years ago. It was times like that, even in the sorrow, where she felt just as close to Rinoa as before. Then there were times, when she found herself resenting the situation, where she knew it wasn't right. Not now, not under these circumstances. Still, they had been family and little explanations were offered in the sorceress' departure. Again, she had heard the rumors, but she had put little credence into gossip.

If her friend wanted to tell her the truth, she would. Quistis only could hope that someday Rinoa would find someone to confide in. Her friends were never angry, only disenchanted by a fairy tale that all had needed to believe in at one point.

The instructor exhaled slowly and walked to her friend. She would not ask; she would never push for an explanation. "Rinoa, do you want to start with his closet? If you think you could handle packing his clothes you-"

"I can," interrupted Rinoa. It was not out of rudeness, just a need to convince herself she could follow through. "I can, honestly…I have to do this. I _need_ to do this." The sorceress was glad that Quistis was taking a proactive stance. She needed the assurance in this situation.

"Okay, we're here if you need anything." The instructor scanned the room. "I'll start with the nightstand. I'm going to keep everything you need to go though separate. I'm just going to see what I can get rid of, or make sure there is nothing, well, important to Garden in there."

Rinoa nodded. There was so much she wanted to know about the man who lived in this apartment. Yet, she found herself unable to ask. Was she afraid to find out the answer? Was this man satisfied with his life? Did he find happiness with someone else, the woman he had shared his bed with at the Balamb hotel, the same woman he shared _this _bed with? She could not even think of that so she pushed the thought from her mind. She was not allowed to be jealous, she had given up that right years ago. Hell, Lauren had reason to hate her right now and she most likely did. There were things about the SeeD that Rinoa wanted to ask about, but dared not to…it wasn't within her rights. If she had been a better person, she would have asked his girlfriend to help. She wasn't that person. Not where her knight,_ former knight_, was involved.

Some wounds never fully heal.

Maybe five minutes had passed since they had begun packing. It hadn't taken that long for the instructor to realize there was nothing of importance in his nightstand's bottom drawer. Well, at least of interest to Garden. She moved to the top drawer, shifting papers, receipts and other miscellaneous items. She would scan them to check their nature, but tried not to invade his privacy further. It was something he trusted Rinoa to do, she would honor his wishes.

Reaching forward, she pulled the drawer as far as it would go. Something caught her attention, and every instinct told her that if she reached for it, she would be crossing a line. Still, it seemed so out of place in the life of Squall Leonhart that she found herself unconsciously drawn to it.

Quistis sat up straight, remarkably straight. If anyone had seen her, her intentions would have been obvious, as well as her uncertainty. First, she looked to the other side of the bed where Selphie had been sitting. She was checking all the books for papers before placing them into the box. The younger SeeD would hold each book by its binder and then shake it rapidly. Not the best for the guaranteed longevity of the books, but it was getting the job done.

Next, Quistis looked over to the closet. Rinoa had remained remarkably quiet again. Even from here, the instructor could see her hands tremble as she tried to pack his shirts. She was doing a rather horrid job in the folding department; Squall would have been nearly traumatized at the sight. She almost could imagine his reaction. Still, the fact that it was Rinoa doing the attempted folding would have lessened his disgust, but oh yes, it still would have been there. God, she missed him.

When it appeared that the two women were otherwise preoccupied, Quistis reached her hand back into the drawer, trying not to draw attention to her actions. It was small, it was velvet and it looked like a box that most girls dream about from their youth. At least, that is what her initial thought had been. She had tried to dismiss the idea just as quickly, thinking of a more logical 'Squall explanation.' Maybe it was a set of good cufflinks, or possibly a new earring. He didn't often change his so maybe it had been a gift.

However, when she opened it, she quickly realized that her earlier assumptions had been true. She couldn't help let out an audible gasp as her fingers went to her mouth in shock. Selphie had been the closest and had heard her harsh breath. She turned curiously, thinking that it had been a classified thing and kept from stirring Rinoa. The sorceress had been completely unaware, which was thankful given the circumstance.

"_What?"_ Selphie mouthed. She was more taken aback when there was no response. It also added to her immediate concern, the physical appearance of the instructor spoke volumes. Very little left her in such obvious shock.

It took her a second to collect her thoughts. This could be damaging to Rinoa. Nobody had realized that Squall had even considered proposing. They had all been under the impression the relationship was something entirely different. Quistis finally turned, trying to shield her actions from Rinoa if she had looked over. She lifted the velvet box just enough for Selphie to make out the contents. Her eyes widened in shock. Still, she had enough sense to continue to mouth her words instead of speak. It certainly wasn't easy for the spirited SeeD, but it was necessary.

"_Oh my God!"_ Selphie now shook her head trying to fathom the possibility. _"Lauren?"_

"_I guess,"_ Quistis responded still in silence. It was logical. And in some Garden or political way, the marriage could have benefited both parties involved. It certainly wasn't unheard of in their career, though that reasoning with Squall didn't sit right, but nothing had for a few years.

"_Are you going to show her?"_ Selphie wordlessly asked, pointing toward Rinoa, although the 'her' was extremely obvious.

Quistis shrugged searching for answers in her friend's face. This was something neither of them had expected to find and honestly, it couldn't end well. It would do more harm than good. They could easily toss it into the box that Selphie was packing, and retrieve it later. After the sorceress left, they could give to the other girl, without the obvious pain it would inflict on Rinoa. Or they could follow through with the instructions Squall left in his will, everything would go to Rinoa, even if it was never meant to… But the question remained. How much truth could Rinoa handle in her ex-boyfriend's love life?

They had to make the right decision.

* * *

He had been unbearable. Squall Leonhart had bottled up every emotion he had experienced over the last week and put on that damned façade that had been embedded into his psych. He didn't know what he was doing, but whatever it was, he was going to do it to the best of his abilities. And unless the killer waltzed right up and challenged him to a gunblade fight, his abilities seemed rather futile in the matter.

They were back in Dollet. It had now come full circle. His life always seemed to do that and not in the way he would have preferred. Two and half days ago, and by God_,_ they were the_ longest _two and half days ever known to mankind, he and Zell had made their way back to the coastal town. Of course, they were hiding in the shadows, still trapped in the confines of a metal jail cell on wheels.

Their only salvation was that Cid had found a way for them to shower and use some facilities at a deserted military camp. It was one of the many leftover reminders of Vinzer Deling's glory days. They weren't allowed to sleep there, that would have been too much of a welcome reprieve from this hell. No, they were forced to remain in the goddamned van in sleeping bags. Squall decided that when this was over, he was never going to travel in a car, a bus, or any other vehicle with four wheels again. If it wasn't a train or the Ragnarok, well quite frankly, _fuck it._

Neither Zell nor the commander had resorted to physical blows again, though sometimes it was nearly an impossibility to restrain themselves. The martial artist had managed a lower profile after leaving Balamb, which was not easy to do in a van of only a few cubic meters. He knew there was not much he could say to Squall, at least, not much that the commander wanted to hear so Zell doubled his efforts in the investigation. Of course, he still had no idea what he was looking for, but he was looking at double the amount of useless information, trying to process at least a tenth of it. Zell had watched more hours of video than he could possibly ever fathom; he actually contemplated swearing off television entirely after this mission. Then again, he already had lost hotdogs – giving up two great loves would be beyond the realm of sanity.

The headmaster had arrived in Dollet about a day after them. Their contact was extremely limited, due to obvious reasons. The two SeeDs had been given the available information from the authorities about the latest causality. It appeared the murder had taken place a day or two after Squall was shot. It was an oddity. The killer had never struck so close in murders, and never within the same town. It appeared that his need was escalating, rather rapidly at that. Although his targets were all somehow political figures, they were random in position. No apparent commonalty could be seen, at least, from what Zell and Squall could decipher.

In a morning briefing, Squall was informed of the 'situation' at Garden. And to him, right now, the headmaster tried to word it as only a 'mild setback of property and funds.' When Cid had told him outright that Rinoa had been packing his things, the commander said nothing. Not one word. This fact honestly scared the headmaster, there were many reasons why. And all knew that Squall's apparent indifference was certainly not what it seemed.

Each knew the storm was coming, the only question that remained was: how long before it hit?

* * *

It had gone…well, it had gone. Rinoa tried to remain poised for the moment. In private, she could break down all she liked. She wanted to prove to them she could do it, she wanted to prove it to herself she could do it. She was now well into her second box, attempting to fold his clothing. She never was particular good at the task, and her shaking limbs didn't make it any easier. She had started near the center of his closet, and was slowly making her way to side. Not the best of strategic plans, but really did it matter in what order they went to the box?

In a darkened corner she reached to grab whatever was there. Immediately her body shuddered, she felt something familiar, something that had offered great comfort many times. Her shaking hand pulled out the item, her eyes and memories were staring at a black leather jacket that she would never forget. It looked the same, it felt the same, and it smelled the same. The trace hint of cologne mixed with the leather, something that never faded in her dreams. She felt her resolve faltering. If she was had been thinking rationally, she would have just put the damned thing in the box. There was no way in hell she would do that.

She held it close to her body, but never fully embraced the jacket. For the first time since being here, she realized just how deeply she was intruding on his life; this was part of the Squall she remembered. It was hard to distance herself from _this man_, when she held the past so firmly in her hand.

"Quistis," she spoke with hidden desperation. Rinoa shakily turned around to face her friend; she had been concentrating so hard on her given task that she had not spoken to anyone. She had blocked the world out without even realizing it. For those moments the sorceress had needed the silence, she had embraced it. Now, it was difficult to talk; it was hard enough just to breathe. She couldn't shut them out now - she needed them.

"Yes," replied Quistis.

Her voice had been rushed, though it had not been noticed by Rinoa. She was too intently focused on the item in her hand, to see the item in the instructor's. The SeeD casually placed the ring back in the drawer and Rinoa was none the wiser. Selphie glanced between the two, trying to gage the situation. It appeared Quistis wasn't going to bring the ring situation up, at least, not yet. Still, Selphie felt uneasy, it was as if she and Quistis were keeping a secret, and they all had enough of those.

"Um…I found…." It was an obvious statement as Rinoa held out his leather coat, but it was the only words she could manage.

"Oh," Quistis replied a genuine flash of sadness swept over her face. It was her past too, a past that they were all having to mourn.

Rinoa swallowed finding her inner strength; she finally looked up towards her friends. "When was the last time he wore it?"

The two SeeDs exchanged confused glances. It really had been awhile. In fact, neither could give a specific date. On one hand, it felt like a lifetime ago that they had seen it, but on the other, it felt like he had just put it on yesterday.

Selphie was the first to speak, although the original statement had not been directed at her. "You know, it really has been a long time."

"He was starting to wear it less and less when I was still here," added Rinoa. "I just wondered how much he wore it after, if ever."

The instructor moved an errant piece of hair from her face as she finally responded. "Honestly, I think it was about the time he turned twenty, you were still here. I don't recall him wearing it after that really. I think everyone grows out of things, not physically, but mentally. I think it was something of his youth, and he needed to move forward."

Rinoa looked down at the jacket, then back toward the instructor. Quistis had known him the best during those years, the ones before Rinoa arrived when Squall was ready to take on SeeD, Ultimecia and the world head on. It was those years before her arrival that defined him and that shaped his personality. Quistis Trepe tried so damn hard, probably a little too hard, which lead her down a path that clashed with the ideals of teaching. She really did try to know him. Unfortunately, Squall didn't want to be known, but that never deterred the instructor. In some ways, Rinoa and Quistis paralleled one another, in other ways they intersected greatly. In another reality, their stories may have been written interchangeably.

Rinoa looked the instructor in the eyes, trying to smile although tears were threatening to fall. She would not do it. She couldn't. Quistis had mentioned three physical things that reminded her of Squall earlier: his jewelry, his jacket, and his weapon. The jewelry was more than likely buried with him, the weapon should remain with family, so that only left…

Rinoa took a hesitant step forward finding the strength to hold out the jacket. "Quistis, I want you to have this."

"What?" The instructor said almost horrified. "No…I can't…You should-"

"I'm serious," Rinoa said firmly. She walked the final steps and took the seat beside Quistis on the bed. Again she held out the jacket to the person next to her, who once again seemed dead set against the idea. "It actually feels right to me."

"It's just way too personal, Rin. I'm not sure it feels right to me."

"Think about it," Rinoa countered. She would not lose this argument and, as everyone well knew, she could be damn well stubborn when she wanted to be. "You told me once that you remembered the first day he wore it. You also mentioned he wore it every day in your class. He wore it when he took the written portion of SeeD exam; he wore it when you went to the Fire Cave. In everyone one of those things…the only constant to Squall was you. You were a greater part of his life during that time than any of us."

Quistis sat still in shock, but she had to reason with her. It was part of her past too. "But…Rinoa, he wore it when he rescued you for the Sorceress Memorial, out in space, even for the celebration after Ultimecia, you were there for him just as much, if not more."

"Quistis," Rinoa's words were soft and held the regret she tried to mask for days. "But only one of us was there when he left on his final mission. It wasn't me. You were there for him even after I left."

"She's right," Selphie finally interjected into the conversation. "Quistis, think about it. For most of his life you were there. Irvine was in Deling, I was in Trabia. Zell was here, but let's face it, they never talked. He might not have answered you back then but he was listening. So that leaves either you or Seifer to get his jacket – and I think we can all agree that last option rather…sucks."

"Are you sure?" Quistis was finally beginning to accept the idea. She may not have liked it or agreed with it, but she would accept it. It was Rinoa's choice in the end. Squall was insistent on that much.

"Yes, I'm sure," Rinoa managed to smile, "that last option really does suck. So don't make me do it."

"All right." Quistis had never meant to ask for it in her earlier response to Rinoa. She had never even dreamed of getting something so…personal. She had only spoken from her heart and memories. She would always treasure the jacket and the amazing gesture behind its reception.

Now the instructor thought she needed to return the act of friendship. It wasn't in the positive way hers had been, but she now understood that Rinoa deserved the truth even if she didn't want it. Friends would help one another and support them without reservation. There had been enough people hiding under pretense, and Quistis couldn't be one of them.

"Rinoa, I need to show you something."

"Quistis?" Selphie questioned knowingly. The two SeeDs shared an awkward look. After a second, the instructor gave a nod and Selphie sighed knowing the realization that was about to come.

Rinoa had watched this exchange questionably. A whole new sensation of foreboding washed over her. There was something in Quistis' tone that was unnerving. All Rinoa could do was agree and hope for the best.

Quistis took a deep breath and reached forward into the drawer. Her fingers hovered over the black box for just a second; it was too late, there was no return. It took another second, and an ounce of resolve, for her to follow through and pick it up. From her angle, the sorceress could not see what she was holding and she wanted to make this realization just a little easier.

"Rinoa, I found something in his nightstand. I wasn't sure how to interpret it, I honestly was never thinking I'd run into something like this. It wasn't my place to look…but I just had to see if I was right, I hoped against hope that I was wrong. This whole thing is hard enough for you….I didn't want you to go through this." Quistis looked away, no longer able to say anything.

Selphie stepped forward, kneeling down in front of Rinoa. She placed her hands on the sorceress's knees and looked her in the eye. She could see that Rinoa was fighting a battle, and it looked like she was quickly losing.

"But Rinoa, we felt you had a right to know. It makes little sense to us, believe that. Though it's not really unheard of in our line of work. Just remember no matter what, Squall loved you. We don't want you to ever, ever, _**ever**_ forget that. Okay? It's just that Lauren and Squall…it was different."

Rinoa was oh so very lost. What were they talking about? Why bring up Lauren now of all times? They all knew the reality but her friends had been kind enough to leave it out of today. Rinoa was grateful for that. _Extremely grateful. _But judging from their pained expressions, it was something serious. She felt like a child, fearful of everything around her. Their stalling only worsened the apprehension. Her entire body could feel the reverberation of her heart.

It took only a second longer for something to be placed in her hands. Her first instinct was to drop it. She only needed to look at the black velvet to understand why her friends' reactions were the way they were. It was completely surreal. She muffled a sob as her hands trembled uncontrollably. She had tried so damn hard and it was all for nothing. Her initial reaction, after dropping it, was to throw it across the room like five year old in the middle of a tantrum. But they were not children and they had not been for many years - maybe some had never been.

Nobody spoke in that minute, or the next. It seemed that Rinoa's gaze was fixated on the box. Still, she had to do this. She had to prove to herself that it didn't bother her, even though that was an outright lie. She slowly found a way to open the hinged box…

It was beautiful. But, by God was it painful to see.

It was stunning, it was amazing and it was something that he had obviously taken a lot of time to pick. It was a symbol of everlasting love, something that she believed in once upon a time. Her finger felt the thin platinum band that symbolized something that he would never feel for her.

It was a heart-wrenching feeling, but one she was slowly trying to accept.

She wondered if Lauren would have accepted. Of course she would, who would be that foolish to let someone as beautiful as him slip through their fingers? Besides herself. Rinoa closed her eyes, trying not to envision the scene of him saying those words to someone else. He had always seemed so afraid of commitment, maybe that was something else she truly didn't understand about the man who slept in this bed.

Lauren seemed to be everything that Rinoa was not. She had been raised with the SeeD mentality and appeared to have based her career around Garden's ethics. She didn't seem to wear her heart on her sleeve, or let her actions be dictated by undue emotion. She was in fact perfect for Squall in every way. They could understand each other's ambitions far better than she ever did.

And Rinoa?

Well, she aggravated him, annoyed him and frustrated him to no end. She would argue without recourse and dive into unknown situations headfirst. She was juvenile in nature, while Lauren was mature far beyond her years.

As she looked at the diamond, her anger increased. Why, why had Squall done this to her? The next time he had to change his will, it was now completely obvious who would be packing now. Who _should_ be packing now. It was only because of a few weeks difference that she was here, and not his future fiancée. This wasn't right and she couldn't help but feel the bitterness.

This ring symbolized every failure she had endured through her life. Rinoa knew what she had to do, though she honestly hated him for it. Hate? Maybe, maybe not. She couldn't hate anyone, and never him, but it seemed to be the easiest word right now. Its significance was the only one to describe her feelings. And now she was going to have to carry out Squall's wishes.

She closed the box, holding it firmly in her palm. Was she going to be too weak to hand it Lauren herself or would she ask one of her friends to do it? Yes, that was it. She had to have one of her friends do it. It would be better for both Rinoa and Lauren if they were not placed in that situation. Quistis knew Lauren and could make this final gesture from Squall mean something. Lauren would always know how much he loved her. She tried desperately to push the jealousy aside, but it was impossible.

"Rinoa…" It was Quistis' voice cutting into her thoughts, she was glad for the salvation from herself. Selphie had silently gone back to the other side of the bed, taking a seat.

"It's beautiful…it will mean a lot to her," Rinoa managed still fighting for sanity. Now she was going to have ask the biggest favor of her life. She couldn't face his girlfriend. She was too damn weak. "Quistis…Selphie… can either of you please give it to her? I just can't. I wish I could, I wish I was stronger, but I'm honestly not. I know it's what he would have wanted I just can't do it."

"I... I don't think we can."

Quistis quickly glanced at Selphie who seemed rather appalled by the comment, but something in the instructor's demeanor told her not to remark. So Selphie, against given nature, remained passively silent.

The sorceress opened her mouth in shock. She had never expected her friends to deny her so easily. It had been a difficult road and Rinoa was certainly no angel in the situation but it felt like everything was being torn from its foundation. Her hand clenched tightly around the box, trying not to feel like she had been emotionally betrayed again.

She really was alone. Even the friends that she thought of as family were retreating into the void. She tried to hold back the tears and anger; every emotional range had been bombarding her like gunfire.

"Yeah, okay," she answered trying to mask the resentment. It didn't happen. She could no longer hold any emotions at bay.

"No, no," Quistis tried to explain. "That's not what I meant."

Her tone was soft; she realized how she must have sounded. It wasn't that she had intended to, but at that moment, she was caught up in a far different realization than her friend.

The instructor had turned away after she handed Rinoa the ring. In her eyes, she could not bear to see the young sorceress's pain. So she tried to give her friend that moment and continued to shuffle papers in the commander's nightstand. She had not looked at most of them; they weren't for her to see. It was obvious that nothing in here had been Garden-related so she shied away from them. It was more to keep her fingers and mind occupied rather than to face the heartache next to her. She wanted to allow Rinoa her time, as she also needed her own. So her hands lightly moved small papers from one side of his drawer to another. However, there was a small handwritten paper that had been shoved into the corner.

It was only for one reason that she opened it, a date. It may have been SeeD training, or even an innate curiosity, whatever it was… brought her to the truth.

"Please, just look at this first."

The instructor handed the piece of paper to her friend, who still had refused to make eye contact with her. She understood, although she did feel a slight bit hurt.

Rinoa hadn't had the same inclination and read the body of the paper first. It was a receipt for the ring. It didn't make her feel one damn bit better, actually once she saw the amount of money he spent on the ring, she felt worse. Childish and juvenile, yes, but it was like comparing their past relationship with his current one, and how much more, even financially, he valued this one. Honestly, she would have never cared about money, she never had. But in her state of mind, everything seemed to hurt and even this burrowed into her soul.

She felt the overwhelming need to shred the paper into minute pieces and throw them into the trashcan. Hell, part of her wanted to throw the damn ring away too, but she wouldn't. It was only a fleeting thought born out of resentment. It was human nature, but it wasn't her.

Quistis exhaled, realizing that Rinoa was missing the most important aspect of the paper. Apparently, the sorceress had been transfixed on the value, rather than the day it was purchased. Honestly, the value also intrigued the instructor, but again, it was only natural under the circumstances.

The instructor placed a hand on the sorceress's shoulder, hoping that her friend would know she was still supporting her, even now. "Rinoa, look at when it was purchased."

It hadn't occurred to her to even check the date; it was a moot point as far as she was concerned. Until she saw it. It wasn't purchased recently. In fact, the receipt was dated nearly four years ago.

"Oh my god," she managed as the reality started sinking in.

"Rinoa, he didn't buy it for her. He bought it for you."

"No, that's not possible!" She quickly handed the receipt and the ring back to Quistis. It wasn't true. It couldn't be. It was never meant to be hers, there was some other explanation.

Nothing made sense to her anymore, not even her past.


	9. Let that be your Last Battlefield, In Purgatory's Shadow, and The Measure of a Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author notes: I'm horrible with titles so, somewhere around in here, I went to using episodes from all the Star Trek series as titles - minus Voyager. I am using those in the continuation of Dancing in Time. Also important to mention, all the victims first and last names are combinations of the cast members of *all* the series. I'm just as horrible about coming up with original characters (and names!) as I am titles. So this is just a little shout-out to all my fellow Star Trek fans. ;)

**   
_Chapter Twenty-Five: Let That Be Your Last Battlefield _   
**

Her movements were methodical, almost mechanical in nature. Rinoa stood from the bed and made her way back to the closet with unsteady footing. Quistis and Selphie exchanged another look, unsure of this sudden turn in behavior. It certainly wasn't the reaction either of them had been expecting, but honestly, what would be a correct reaction be under the circumstance? Still, it appeared that flat out denial was the easiest course for the sorceress to choose.

"Um Rinoa, I think that you should sit down." Quistis knew the situation was quickly spiraling, even if it appeared to look like just the opposite.

"No, no I'm fine. I need to get this finished." Rinoa smiled, betraying no real emotion. "It's going to take me forever to get everything done… labeled and sorted, well you know. It's just a lot of work that's all."

"Rinoa." This time, it was Selphie pleading with her friend with only the mention of her name.

"No!" the sorceress shot back angrily. At least it was emotion in one form or another. "I can't, I said. God, doesn't anybody listen around here?" The last words were rather harsh.

Once more, Quistis could not imagine the conflict taking place within her friend. To find out after all this time, Squall had held onto a token of the past, a promise of a commitment that was denied by circumstance… There was no winning in this situation; it was another loss that seemed impossible to accept.

But one major hindrance remained; a mutual understanding that was impossible to reach. As much as Quistis and Selphie loved and adored their friend, both understood that they only knew fragments of the past. It was the wall between them that had barred the friends from fully understanding the situation. They had been respectful not push the matter, however, the reality was that it now appeared that Rinoa remained in denial. It was unsettling to say the least. The fact that they were only trying to help their friend only made the situation that much more aggravating.

They were all hurting and Rinoa's vague and harsh words struck a chord within the instructor.

"You know what Rinoa? You seem angry that we don't understand but therein lays the problem. _We really don't understand_. Believe it or not, you were not the only one hurt by your leaving three years ago. Our problem is that the rest of us have no idea why. In our minds, we lost you a long time before we lost Squall. You make a vague statement that you somehow expect us to understand. We don't. We're here for you if you need someone to confide in…we always have been."

"I can't," Rinoa spoke defeated. Her voice sounded as she was holding back a dam of emotion blocked by the years.

"You mean you _won't."_ the instructor firmly corrected. Her friend's once again elusive answer only seemed to irritate her more. Quistis knew her reaction may be unreasonable under the circumstances, but reason had been compromised years ago.

"No Quistis, I meant exactly what I said…_I_ _can't."_

That was absurd and Quistis knew it. Too much had happened the last few weeks to play any more mind games. They were all beyond that mentally. "What do mean, Rinoa? We've always been here for you. You could have told us anything… I mean, even if we don't agree with it, or hurt by it, or if something happened outside your relationship with Squall, we'd listen. We might not like it, but you know, everybody makes mistakes."

"What? _Outside our relationship_… mistake? You think that I? God knows others around here think that, hell they've been saying that shit since I lived here… But you?" The final question was laced in desperation.

"Rin," Selphie admitted almost silently. "In all honesty, we didn't know what to believe. You never told us anything different, neither did Squall. Everything was just so… sudden. He was just so different at first… Please know that we never doubted that you loved him."

"Yeah," Rinoa said, closing her eyes. "But you doubted _me."_ She inhaled deeply, unconsciously biting her lip in habit. "It's all right." she reasoned both to herself and out loud. "I would have thought the same thing if the situations had been reversed."

She contemplated both viewpoints for a moment, weighing the two realities, one the truth and one they perceived. Maybe it was better this way; this answer was much more black and white. She always knew that nobody could understand the gray. She didn't. She had always been willing to take the fall to the outside world, but what good did that do now?

"So again," Quistis reiterated, "if what you are going to tell is the truth, why can't you tell us?"

"I promised." It was barely above a whisper and Rinoa could feel herself breaking down. And god help her, she more than wanted to.

"Promised who? If it was Squall, he wouldn't want you to suffer like this. Nothing you say will go beyond these walls. It stays here." Selphie knew that he would never want to see her like this, even if she had hurt in him in some way.

Before she knew it, Rinoa felt a gentle hand upon her shoulder. She had suffered so long, caught between lies and the truth, love and war, deception and perception. She had protected the secret in life, she no longer knew if she could protect in death. Her will wasn't her own as she slowly made her way back to the bed, back to her friends. She had feared the wrath of Garden for so long and the power they had, albeit real or implied. She had given her soul to protect the truth; unfortunately, her heart still belonged to something else entirely.

"It's not really who I promised…" Rinoa said before her mind could understand her lip's betrayal. "More like a what… The strange thing is Squall never asked it of me. I just expected it out of myself. He would never ask, because if he asked then the situation would have been real. I don't know what was real to him anymore… I thought I knew. I never did."

Quistis sat there, allowing her natural patience to come through. Whatever Rinoa was saying, she didn't understand, but Rinoa did. It was a beginning, and in time, the instructor figured she would also come to understand. "Rinoa, we want to understand. Again, nothing will leave this room. We've been through too much together. You're part of our family. You may have not believed it, but you always have been."

She didn't cry. Rinoa nodded, she needed this. Garden, and even Squall, be damned. She gave them her soul, now she had to regain control before she too lost her sanity.

"Garden," the sorceress rasped hoarsely, "I promised Garden, Cid, and Dr. Kadowaki…I told them I would never tell… too much would be lost."

Quistis and Selphie exchanged looks in the other's eyes. It was one thing when it was a relationship issue between her and Squall. They had been young, and sometimes foolishness was born in naivety. Squall and Rinoa were neither foolish or naïve, but their relationship had been anything but normal. However, if it was an issue that was born out a promise to Garden, that went passed a line that neither were sure they wanted to cross… however, more than anything, they were human and they were in pain.

And damn it, they needed to understand themselves.

"If you asked me how it started, I wouldn't have a clue," Rinoa began solemnly, never looking at her friends. Instead, she turned her eyes toward the closet, for no other reason than that it was simply there. "Maybe before me, maybe after me, or god help me…maybe because of me… I don't think I really want to know. I don't think I could live with myself. I just know when everything fell apart…" she trailed off.

"Esthar?" Selphie finished for her.

"Yes." It was a confirmation Rinoa had made a million times in her mind, on a million different occasions. Still, saying it carried a sort of finality to things. "The mission to Esthar."

"He took the deaths of cadets Willis and Snyder very hard Rinoa," Quistis tried to reassure. "It is always hard to lose any life, especially under your command. It really affected him… I think that's one of the reasons nobody thought you'd leave then. It was harder for him than you could possibly know."

She held back the instinctual grunt she so desperately wanted to voice. It wasn't that simple, far more complicated than a 'tragic loss.'

"Do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?" Rinoa asked as she quickly glanced between Quistis and Selphie. It might have sounded hypothetical, but it was something she had wondered for three years now.

"I'm not sure exactly what you mean?" Selphie answered. "I mean I know what they are, but I… I guess I'm just confused."

"I do." Quistis simply answered.

"Well, I believe in them now too. I… I told him not to go to Esthar. Honestly, I don't know why I even said anything. I guess it was just a feeling. I should have just kept my damn mouth shut, but I… it was just too strong of feeling."

"And you asked him not to go?"

Rinoa looked at Quistis. Had Squall told someone?

The instructor shook her head, knowing what her friend was thinking. "No, he never told me. I heard rumors… you went to talk to him before he left. Some people accidently saw you guys arguing behind the trees."

Yeah, of course it was 'accidently'. Accidents were never truly 'accidents' as far as her life went. Still, this wasn't the time to get into trivial gossip. Still, at least on this particular occasion, the gossip was based in truth for once. That was more than she could say for the rest of their bullshit.

"I don't know why… it was only supposed to be a two week mission. He had things like that plenty of times. I should have never…"

"You can't second guess yourself. You did what you felt was right," Selphie added.

"You don't get it, you couldn't possibly get it," Rinoa whispered. She lowered herself from the bed to the floor, using the side of the bed to lean against. It didn't take long before the other two joined her on the ground. For some reason, she felt more comfortable down here, maybe because sitting on Squall's bed made this feel like even more of a betrayal.

Unlike the other times where Rinoa had said something cryptic, neither woman tried prodding an answer out of her. They understood that she was opening up in her own time and that she needed to be allowed the freedom to do so. Something greatly hurt her; they knew as much even before she ever returned to Garden.

"As you know, the mission went longer than two weeks. Nobody ever told me anything but I tried to remain positive although it was getting damn near impossible two weeks turned into two months and then some. Routine mission, my ass."

Rinoa paused for a slight moment, remembering how the phone rang in the middle of the night, making her fear the worst. It a phone call she had so often expected, but one that she truly wouldn't receive until three years later.

"Then, one night, just one stupid night out of nowhere, I got a call from the Headmaster to come to his office and…honest to god, I thought Squall had died. So with that thought stuck in my head as I was going upstairs, I honestly didn't expect to learn that two cadets were killed instead. And God help me…I was thankful." Even though it needed to be said, it didn't stop Rinoa from cringing at her own words. "…I just found out two people, not even seventeen years old, were killed…and I was relieved. _Maybe I deserved this…_"

Selphie comforted her friend as Rinoa leaned into her shoulder. The sorceress wanted to cry, wanted to feel some emotion about the situation but even after all this time, cadets Willis and Snyder were just names. She didn't know them, their families. She might have seen them that morning when she went to talk to Squall at best but even then, she was too focused on her own selfishness to even give them a second glance.

Something didn't seem right about this in Quistis' mind. Something about her tale piqued at her curiosity, having gained more of an inner knowledge of the workings of Garden by being an instructor. Knowing the nature of the political climate of Garden, she knew that Rinoa should not have been notified like she had. It would have been discovered eventually, but divulging the status of a mission and being discussed with a civilian? Even if Squall had been killed, it would be likely that she wouldn't be the first notified, or even the second or third. Garden kept its secrets tight.

The sorceress had seemed bitter toward Garden these last few days. Maybe not by words, but her actions spoke volumes. And most of all… the promise that she spoke of only minutes before wasn't to Squall, but to Garden, to the headmaster.

"Rinoa, what happened in Esthar?" Quistis asked, even though she fully well knew that crossing a line at this point could be dangerous.

"They told me I could never say… if I wanted to help. God, they didn't want to tell me, but they had no other choice. They were afraid. Can you believe that? Garden was afraid. The sick part was they could care less about Snyder and Willis, it about was their damn reputation. That's all they wanted to protect. Nobody could ever know the truth. Sometimes I wondered if they even cared about Squall. Cid had to have cared about him right? I mean, my god, he basically raised him."

"Of course he does," Selphie reassured.

"It really doesn't matter," Rinoa admitted. "I just hoped that for Squall's sake, somebody who cared would know the truth. But that's what scared them, _the truth_. Honestly, I didn't give a damn about protecting Garden, but I would do anything to protect him… even if that meant leaving."

"What happened?" Quistis asked, fearing the answer now.

"I don't know if I'll ever know completely, I just know what they allowed me to know. The cadets were not killed by Estharian rebels and Garden had to bury the truth along with their bodies."

"Oh God," Quistis closed her eyes, fearing what she knew now. It sickened her that maybe underneath the lies, she had always suspected that it was a possibility. Everyone had pushed and pushed and some people would eventual break. She had seen it firsthand a few times, but never to this outcome.

"What?" Selphie was lost, having no idea what was going on. It seemed to her that she was now the only one out of the loop.

"They told me he didn't remember everything and at that point, he remembered nothing. They wouldn't even allow him to come back to Garden right away. They said there was a problem with the radio. They blamed technology rather than psychology."

"You mean…?" Selphie trailed off, hoping that she misunderstood.

"Whether miscommunication, circumstance, or something deeper…. It wasn't Estharian bullets that killed the cadets. It was Squall."

"No, he wouldn't do that!"

"No, Squall wouldn't. Whoever that was on the battlefield wasn't a person, just a shell. They pushed and they pushed and you can only push so far before something breaks. He wasn't indestructible. There was no right or wrong, it was just survival instinct. His orders were to hold position and for some reason, he believed the opposite. I learned later… he advanced. The three of them were under fire, so he instinctively fought back against the enemy. Only problem was… there _was_ no enemy, just the one he saw in his mind. Something snapped and reality blurred…I guess. It was instinct, it was a survival mentality."

"Squall…" Quistis managed thinking about his past. He had overcome so much, had excelled way beyond his years, had saved the world at seventeen, had fought battles and seen bloodshed that no child should ever see. By eighteen, he was sending others into battle, to live or die, to be names and numbers on a piece of paper – to be statistics. Every one of them at Garden had played their part — he wasn't immortal.

"But Rinoa, he needed you more if that was the case."

"I would have helped him through anything, but when he…" she gasped for air. It was all so painful. To tell the others would be nearly impossible. She had doubted her actions for years and now…they would doubt them too.

* * *

_She had wanted to see him, but at the same time, she was afraid to face the truth. Everything had changed. There was no going back and it would be a long road for them. She opened the door to his office, fearing the unknown. The thing that struck her the most was that nothing seemed to change. He was behind his desk, thumbing through papers._

_He looked the same, he was the same. _

_It didn't take long for him to look up. She wanted to smile to reassure him that everything was all right. They would work through this together but what she saw in his eyes was something unexpected: hatred. _

"_You… get the hell away from here."_

_Who was this man? She was frozen in place. She had been wrong, nothing was the same and…she knew at that instant, nothing would be again. He stood from the desk, knocking over papers in the process. She had seen him angry before, but this was something far deeper. _

"_Are you happy now?" he bitterly asked, "Your mind games worked."_

"_What," she stammered, "I don't know what…"_

"_Oh, now you play innocent. You wanted me to stay at Garden; you wanted me to be with you all the time. You wanted everything from me, now you got it. You hated what I did with my life, my job, you hated everything about me. I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I? Everything's over. You might as well have pulled the trigger yourself."_

_Her heart froze. He was blaming her? When she didn't answer, he grabbed her wrist forcefully. She winced in pain as he continued, "I didn't chose between you and Garden, so you made me. I'm weak, that's what you think, isn't it? They said you would turn, and I didn't want to believe it. But you did. You killed them. I hope you can live with yourself, sorceress."_

_She was sure he was going to break her wrist, but nothing compared to the sting of his words. The door flew open and Dr. Kadowaki ran in with Cid._

"_Get her out of here," the doctor screamed at the headmaster._

_Squall snapped out of what trance his revulsion had induced and dropped her wrist. He vaguely remembered seeing Cid grab Rinoa, nearly dragging her from the spot. She looked so frightened and god help him, he didn't care. She deserved this. It was her fault. If she had never come along, he would have never doubted himself. She made him weak. He couldn't get her words out of his head the entire trip in Esthar. He would hear her beg him to stay each night before he fell asleep. He remembered his fear of betrayal, that she would leave him. She would. That is why he could never ask her to marry him; she never understood what he was. Before her, life made sense. Now it was filled with rose pedals and false promises._

_When they were back at Cid's office Rinoa finally managed to speak. "Squall... he's-"_

"_What in the hell were you doing?" Cid angrily chided Rinoa. "What were you trying to do back there, besides making this all worse?"_

"_I don't know…"She was still in shock. Who was that man in there? "I heard he was back, I just needed to-" _

"_That's the damn problem, 'you needed.' Squall doesn't need you around right now. You are the last thing he needs right now. Didn't anything I told you the other night sink in?"_

"_Yes, but I want to help him and-"_

"_You can't help him. Not right now. Don't you get it? We're still trying to figure out what we're dealing with… outside influences are no help right now – especially the ones that appear to be the trigger."_

"_Stop Cid," Dr. Kadowaki walked in the room, "This is difficult on everyone." She turned to Rinoa. It wasn't with sympathy, but it certainly wasn't filled with the anger that the others seemed to hold. "Right now, we don't know what he is thinking. It's going to take a hell of a lot of time to sort through this. What we are dealing with now is someone who is very confused between truth and reality. We should not have left him in combat so long. We'll learn from this. We just can't have the truth be known, it would ruin all he's worked for."_

_Rinoa angrily replied, "He's twenty one years old and you don't give a damn what you are doing to him. As long as it makes Garden look good… that's the bottom line, isn't it?"_

"_Miss Heartilly! You will watch your mouth," Cid countered. "You are still a guest at Garden, and at this moment, you are an unwanted one by many parties involved. I know that you are hurt by this, but at this moment, we cannot overlook the part you play in his mentality. We need to keep this quite, and at the moment, you are causing more concern than anything."_

"_Oh my God… you're going to… you're not going to change a thing, are you? You think that you can just cover this up, and go on as if nothing happened. You don't want to help him. You just want to keep him as an asset."_

"_You could never comprehend the gravity," the headmaster said maliciously, "I do. Don't you think that I understand everything about this situation? He may be your knight, but I can guarantee you know nothing about him. You may think your bond is stronger than anything. It's not. He will respond to us. It's the only thing he truly knows."_

"_You made damn sure of that, didn't you?" Rinoa refused to believe him. She knew Squall loved her. They would overcome whatever fallacies Garden had drilled in his head. He was more than a name and number on a piece of paper. If she left, he would follow her. In her heart, she knew this; they had promised. Squall was a knight before he was a soldier. Garden was wrong._

"_This is the only life he's known since he was five." The doctor offered, was it an excuse or threat? "He needs help, Rinoa. We have dealt with situations like this before; we know what is best for him. Whatever caused this… setback… we can't have it happen again."_

_Cid had made this choice in his own lifetime. He left Edea. It may not have the right decision, but it was the only decision he could make._ _He did know the pain Rinoa was going through, but also knew what they had trained Squall to become. He also had feared this for some time, though he never guessed to this extent, that Squall could no longer balance between commander and knight. _

_A choice would have to be made. _

"_Rinoa," Cid began, although his words were sincere, he doubted she would understand at least any time soon. "Life often comes down to choice. Sometimes it's impossible to make the right one, especially if you're incapable of understanding everything that's at stake."_

"_You don't understand…" Rinoa couldn't believe what they wanted out of her. They would cover this up and never look back. They didn't want Squall to ever be given the choice between commander or knight, they wanted her to make the choice for him._

"_Don't I understand? I believe I do more than anyone. Sometimes the greatest strength is in letting go… You know what's right, Rinoa. Now is the time you have to decide - do you want what is best for him or best for you?"_

"_If I… If I go through with this… will he-"_

"_What? Rinoa…what?" Cid asked, hopeful that she had come to the only reasonable conclusion._

"_Can you help him?" It was all she could manage. "If I leave, will it really help him?"_

"_We don't know," answered the doctor truthfully, "But it's his best hope."_

* * *

Quistis and Selphie listened to Rinoa, finally putting some of their greatest questions to rest, however it still lead to a million more.

"I didn't realize it then," Rinoa started to explain, "But I was their scapegoat. When I left… well, it put all the focus on me. Of course I looked bad to everyone. Squall was upset and not himself and Garden had its believable alibi. Its liability was gone just like that."

Rinoa could have spent an entire lifetime second guessing her decision. She remembered the anger in his eyes and the word he spoke to her in his office. Her biggest fear was that people would hate her for what she was, a sorceress. Squall had always been there, always stood by her side, no matter what doubts she had clouding her mind. However, it was _his_ words that scarred her more than a knife ever could. In a way, there was no going back. Neither time nor space would take back his accusation. He blamed her. She was what she always feared in his eyes. Even if said in a moment of confusion, it was something that she would always believe.

"In some way, I honestly thought that Garden was wrong. I would show the headmaster that we were stronger than that…that he would come after me. It was childish and foolish, and looking back now, it seems kind of selfish. The whole time we were together, I never asked him to choose between our relationship and Garden. Maybe I knew it was time when the two would cross so…I left… and Cid was right. Squall stayed with what was familiar, to what he had known his entire life. That made me realize that I didn't know the first thing about him. I never did."

"Quistis, he never was put in the field again, was he?" Selphie asked, suddenly realizing that they too had not truly known the conflict their commander was in…or the demons Garden made him hide. He would always be Squall to them, but he had overcome so much in his lifetime and now they had just found out he had suffered through this alone.

Was that his choice, or what Garden decided?

"Not really… no combat missions. I always thought it was because of his work load… I never thought… I should have caught on to this." Quistis was angry with herself, she above all people should have known. She had pushed him too often to be the best, but she had taken his limitations for granted.

"At first, I read up so much on it… what he was going through. There were so many names and theories… I wanted to understand when he finally needed me. I wanted to be there in so many ways for him. Somehow…time just moved on and so I tried to move on with my life. Somewhere along the way…I realized that I could never help him like Garden could, not on that subject. Maybe in a way, I was responsible. He couldn't be a knight and commander…the two things just didn't mesh and I just refused to see that. But when I first saw him at the wedding, I resented him so much… God, I was wrong in feeling that way, but I couldn't help it. When I saw that he had moved on with his life, with Lauren… it hurt like hell. I left so he could heal and yet I'm upset when he does. I hate myself for feeling that way."

She looked to her friends for some type of validation. She needed to know that they didn't hate her even though they should have by every account. Still…she needed to say the words to someone, any living person who would at least hear her out.

"He'll never know I'm glad he was happy… I loved him so much and I never stopped… but in the end, I realized I wasn't any better than Garden. I somehow put him on this pedestal because he was my knight. I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side… but as much as I knew his limits, I kept on pushing. If you push too hard, somebody falls. I guess it's the fall that defines your path through life, but it's how you continue after the fall that defines who you are… and Squall Leonhart was just a man… an amazing man that touched us all."

* * *

**   
_Chapter Twenty-Six: In Purgatory's Shadow _   
**

* * *

It was silent.

There was no other way to describe the room. There was an extraordinary heaviness which bathed the air. Rinoa knew she could never ask forgiveness of her friends or even for an understanding in her decisions. They were her own and she would accept both the responsibility and the consequence. Her only wish was for them to know they were not rooted in deceit, but rather in love. She never wanted to hurt him, but damn it, she knew at that point, she could no longer help him.

"I know now he got the help he needed. I'm thankful to Garden for that."

It was the truth. Even with all her dealings with Garden, she knew what would be the best for him. She had to convince herself of that the minute she walked out the front doors and honestly, she did for over three years…at least until now. It was easy to second guess herself when Squall was laying six feet underground. Could she have saved this travesty? Should she have foreseen the future, given the past?

"We take lives nearly every day and don't think twice about the consequences." Quistis wasn't sure if knowing the truth was any better. She didn't want to remember her commander any differently but it did bring some truths to light. "It's the reality of our life…of what Garden teaches…of what I teach."

Was her statement a question or answer - maybe both?

"But at what cost? When do we end and SeeD being?" Selphie's response was unexpected. "Rinoa, he wanted to _marry_ you."

"I didn't know… Honestly, I had no idea. In a million years, I would have never thought that Squall…" The sorceress's voice trailed. How could he have still managed to shock her to such an extent? Even after all these years, the man still had a way of surprising her.

"Would you have made a different decision if you had known?" asked the instructor.

Would she? Did it really make any difference?

He had hurt her with his words beyond any pain she had known was possible. It might not have been _him_, but the words and the pain were sure as hell real. If a bond between sorceress and knight could so easily be broken, the bond of a wedding ring would have been no different. No, she did the only thing her mind and conscious allowed her to do. Her motivations for leaving in the beginning may have been somewhat selfish, to prove Garden wrong, but in the end, they both had grown from the experience.

"No," Rinoa finally admitted, coming to a definite conclusion. In reality, the presence of a wedding ring may have made the situation worse. She already had to suffer through self doubt and loathing. To break another promise would have broken her. Somehow, she couldn't help but feel that both of them had been lost in process.

Two stars lost in the endless oceans of night.

Selphie finally stood from the floor, offering her hand to Rinoa. "Come on. I think we've done enough today. If I hear anymore revelations, my head's going to explode. It wouldn't be pretty."

Rinoa thought about this before accepting the gesture. She wanted so badly to run away from this place, run from her past, but she had to stay. Was it all an act? Probably. She was slowly collapsing inside and if she stopped to think about that reality she would crumble. So, instead, she insisted on pressing forward. It was easier to act strong than to face the weakness. She learned that from him, ironically.

"I just want to get this apartment done with tonight."

Selphie put her hands on her hips, trying to break the tension. "Yeah and I want to be a seven foot Chocobo, but that isn't happening either. We're getting out of here Rin."

Selphie's offhanded comment at least made the sorceress smile, something that felt like she hadn't done in ages. Selphie would always be Selphie, neither years or the situation would change that fact. She was amazing. The sorceress was honestly glad for the humor. It reminded her of other times, times that felt well, like she was home. More importantly, Rinoa was glad for finally admitting the secret she carried so long. She had lived alone within its torment and it had slowly been withering in its shadow. There were times in Timber she wanted desperately to break down to Zone and Watts but she couldn't. It would betray him. She never knew why she felt that way; she just knew that this was a promise that could never be broken.

...At least, while he was alive.

Still, in the midst of all this mourning, Rinoa felt an ease that eluded her for years. For the first time since she could recall, the sorceress felt that had she wanted to, she could have spoken from her heart. She had her friends back and by God, she had missed them. Her peace may have been at the expense of failing Garden, but something told her that Garden had failed, in some respects, all of them a long time ago.

As for the two other SeeDs in the room, they allowed the subject of the commander to disappear just as quickly as it was broached. Maybe it was because the information was devastating and neither of the women knew how to react. It would take some time to digest the truth. And they would eventually, just not today. They had already suffered a great loss of a friend, a family member and a commander. That's who they wanted to remember in this moment.

If they had to think about it, did the new reality honestly change their perspective? No. They still loved and cherished Squall just as much as when they first walked into this room. If anything, both garnered a deeper understanding of his internal struggles and the person he had allowed himself to become. The truth wasn't a matter they would have brushed over under normal circumstance, far from it, but with his death, his demons had died as well.

However, the greatest thing accomplished today was a sense of understanding. For nearly three years, Quistis and Selphie had felt abandoned by Rinoa. It may not have been justified on their end, but they had lost a very important part of their life when she walked out Garden's doors. And to them, that is exactly what she had done – walked away. Now, at least, they could begin their own process of healing.

"Rinoa," The instructor's voice seemed hollow as if it was not her own. Quistis had not known how to ask, but somehow, she knew she needed to do so. She reached to the nightstand, grabbing the little velvet box that held so much in context. "Do you want to take this with you? I think you should."

Rinoa thought about everything the box represented. It symbolized so much, both accomplishment and failure. She didn't want to stop and think about the ring. Again, she couldn't allow herself to doubt her decisions even more. There would be later time, but all she had was just that — time.

"I…I…" Rinoa's mind went hazy.

Did she want the ring? A few minutes ago, she wanted nothing to do with it. She still didn't. But her wants were secondary anymore. Hell, she _wanted _to not be here and for the past to somehow erase itself from her memory. Well not all of it - that would not be fair to anyone. She wanted the pain removed; never the happiness, but…she couldn't have one without the other, could she?

"Yes," she finally stated with some emotional clarity.

Where that came from, she would never know. She didn't elaborate her answer though she knew that she couldn't abandon the truth now that she found it. She had spent too much time in the emotionless void. It was just as easy to slide the ring in her pocket and go on as if nothing had happened. She couldn't look at it. That would be for another day, maybe another lifetime. It wasn't something she could do yet. In a way, this wasn't real. Again, just like Quistis and Selphie, she needed time to understand the truth.

* * *

What truly was the definition of alone?

Rinoa could be in a room full of people and feel utterly, totally alone. Several hours had passed since they'd left Squall's apartment. She had not tried to smile in the past couple of minutes; there would be no point in the pretence. If she closed her eyes, she could let herself fall back into that daydream she had believed so recently, the one where nothing changed. She knew not to believe in fairytales anymore and childhood ideals seemed to have left her a lifetime ago.

As the woman had promised, the three had gone back to Quistis's room. Selphie had explained to Irvine that the women wanted to work on mending broken ties and he was more than understanding. Rinoa was amazed at how those two had grown as couple yet had still remained true to themselves.

Somewhere during the evening, both Selphie and Quistis had been called by their superiors. It was sad to Rinoa that even in such a time, they were SeeDs first. Still, she would never want them to change, just because she didn't understand didn't mean she couldn't empathize. Still, being alone in the instructor's dorm was rather an odd sensation. She had never really spent much time here when she was at Garden. It was…well, it always felt uncomfortable to her. She couldn't articulate it into words, but it was just a feeling she couldn't seem to shake.

One thing Rinoa hadn't expected was a knock on the door. All of a sudden, she felt more uneasy about being in the apartment; it almost felt as if she was trespassing into another's life now. Her first reaction was to ignore the sound and hope that they would go away… They always did. What could be that important this late? Both the SeeDs were already away on Garden business and pretty much anything the general populous wanted to say to her didn't need to be said in person. Their accusing looks and judging eyes had already spoken volumes over the past days.

However, there was still this small part of her that craved human companionship. It made no sense and it was contradictory to her own feelings, but it was how she felt. If left to her own devices, she may go mad from the solitude.

When the young sorceress made her way to the door, it should have surprised her that Edea was standing before her but she wasn't. She was too drained to feel surprised.

"Matron," Rinoa addressed her elder, almost embarrassed by her seeming lack of congeniality.

Honestly, she hadn't purposely avoided her, yet on the same token, she had made no attempt to seek out her company. Rinoa shouldn't hold the sins of the husband accountable to the wife, but it was damn hard. It didn't help matters when there always seemed to be an underlying tension, even from her days at Garden.

Rinoa couldn't explain it, it was just a sense she had felt during their first true meeting. Although Edea had tried to mentor her after receiving her powers, most of their meetings were with sorceress and knight, never just by herself. Honestly, without him standing by her side, Rinoa felt this reunion was an even greater challenge. Edea and Squall held a special connection that Rinoa never felt a part of; she felt accepted back then, but never exactly wanted.

Plus, Rinoa right now felt a sense of overwhelming failure. Rinoa failed. She understood she had been given an amazing gift, or possibly a curse, from the elder, only to drive it into ruin. Edea expected more from a fledgling sorceress. Hell, Rinoa expected more out of herself.

"Rinoa, I'd like to talk to you a moment, if you don't mind."

What was Rinoa supposed to say? Was she somehow supposed to brush it off with such little regard? God, she wanted to. It would be so much easier that way. But that wasn't her. It was just the inner turmoil surfacing, allowing all the doubts of the last three years to be released.

"Sure," Rinoa halfheartedly smiled; she just wished this to be over with before it truly began.

"I don't know really know how to start," admitted Edea, also rather uncomfortable. Even with doubt, Matron carried herself with dignity and grace, or at least that was the aura she always seemed to project. Still, with Edea's doubt, Rinoa felt a sense of relief. It appeared that she wasn't the only one searching for words.

"Me either." It wasn't a lie Rinoa stated, actually far from it. They made their way into the room, one taking a seat on the couch, the other across in a nearby chair. Rinoa avoided eye contact, maybe she felt ashamed, or maybe she felt fear. The young sorceress licked her lips, feeling her mouth starting to dry. She had no idea how to begin, so much had transpired.

"Rinoa," Edea's tone was surprisingly firm, but she also managed to convey a sense of comfort. It was a paradox to the junior. "I know things have been difficult over the last years. I would never compare our situations, but at the same time, there are portions of our lives that parallel one another. It may be only bits and fragments, but some of the pain I truly understand. But there is something I need to make sure you understand…"

It was with that Edea's voice wavered, finally allowing the emotional pain to show.

"I cannot begin to imagine, to fathom… the turmoil inside of you. I, like you, had lost ties with my knight, and truthfully, the bond weakened with the passing years. Still, from what I have come to understand… c_ompletely_ severing the bond can be downright…"

Matron exhaled, trying to find the words to describe an inner pain so brutal it was only talked about in textbooks as nothing short of excruciating. Many sorceresses in the past had taken their own lives from the madness, either intentionally or driven by the delusions. It was no easy task what the young sorceress would be facing; Edea only hoped that she would find salvation among the storm.

"Rinoa, severing the bond can be downright fatal if there was no resolution between the two parties. I just want to make sure you know you have people to rely on. Again, our situations are not the same. I never lost my knight in such a manner, but there is still great pain I can relate to. Please know that."

Rinoa sat there dumfounded as an awakened fear slowly creep through her body. She had known the future would be difficult. Losing someone dear, even without the bond of sorceress and knight, was heart-wrenching enough. Rinoa had known their former connection could come into play, but she had honestly not realized it could be so devastating. Now she would question every emotion she was feeling, was it real? Was it a lie? Was it something born out madness?

Edea watched as Rinoa visible paled. Again, the young sorceress feared for the second time since returning to Garden, she was going into a state of shock.

"You didn't realize that…" Edea's voice was soft, knowing the information she divulged was terrifying in its own right. "Rinoa, I thought that you… I should have talked to you before."

The older woman blamed herself for such an oversight. There was so much information that intersected the lines of truth; it was sometimes difficult to distinguish fact from fiction. Edea felt she should have been a better mentor, sometimes forgetting just how fragile the situation was to the wellbeing of Rinoa. The fact she was no longer living at Garden should have never played into it. She should have continued her tutoring, even more so after the events which transpired between her and Squall.

"I knew it could be… bad." Was that the best Rinoa could come with? Bad? It just seemed that every other word escaped her vocabulary, and 'bad' was the most simplistic of what remained.

"Yes, Rinoa, very bad," It was accurate if nothing else. "But you'll get through it. You're strong and with time and healing, you'll manage. I'll be here for you."

Rinoa wanted to give a snickering laugh. Where had everybody at Garden been before it all started to fall to hell? Back when maybe they could have saved not only their relationship, but his sanity and his life. She appreciated the words, but somehow it felt like too little too late, but that could be the resentment talking. It wasn't her. Rinoa knew Edea meant well, albeit the words still felt extremely late.

Edea had something else she needed to find out to determine how the bond was broken, if anything was resolved, even though the answers would be painful for both to hear. Still, in order to grieve properly, the young sorceress needed to look back to the past.

"Rinoa, did you know?"

The puzzled look in the younger woman's eyes spoke volumes. Either the question was not truly understood, or she had interpreted the meaning incorrectly. It was hard to face the facts, but somehow, she guessed deep down inside, Rinoa already knew the answers.

"Rinoa, the day Squall died… did you somehow sense the loss, before you were told? It is said that the departed knight or sorceress often find away to communicate before they leave this world."

"Yes." Rinoa blinked back her surprise as she answered. "I didn't understand at the time, but he was there… at least in some way."

Edea smiled. The knight was trying to free his sorceress, even though distance and time defied the odds. Squall would want her to move forward, it was his nature, it was in his heart.

Rinoa looked away, somehow ashamed of that day. She thought about the restaurant and the sensation that she was no longer alone. She called his name in the restroom, seemingly out of nowhere. It made no sense then, but he had tried to tell her. Was she just too damn stubborn to listen?

She felt her body shiver as she recalled her actions that day, especially of her shared kiss with Zone. She could still vividly remember the guilt, and worse yet, even the comfort. She hoped that Squall's final moment on this world was not witnessing that; it was a thought that now would haunt her to the end of her lifetime.

"It's okay Rinoa; he would want you to move on."

Rinoa froze. Dear God, did Edea know about Zone? No, of course not, she only meant he would want her to move on with her life. It was her own guilty conscious that believed the other.

Edea needed to know how much had been resolved. Rinoa may have not consciously remembered the details, a lot of times they remained buried in her mind until called forward.

Hopefully, the young woman just needed a reminder.

"Did you speak to him that day?"

Rinoa furrowed her brow slightly at that question. Um, no, she did not speak to him, besides calling his name. How would one communicate with the dead? It sounded a rather implausible concept to her. She shook her doubtfully, head truly confused with the comment.

"No, I called his name… I don't know why."

"What about seeing him? I know most of the accounts speak of the knight releasing the bond; it is supposed to make the healing process easier, although, even 'easier' can still be devastating."

"Well," Rinoa admitted slowly, "we weren't exactly on the best speaking terms before this."

"Even still, if you called his name and felt him, the bond was still strong enough…or from what I understand, it seems it should have been."

"I guess it was just different for me. For us. I feel like he tried, but it almost felt as if it was never a true connection." She sighed, that didn't seem like the right description either. It was just a damn odd day, which turned into a horrid night. She would rather bury the entire thing in the dark recesses of her mind.

Edea decided not to press the subject further. Squall had tried but failed on some account. It wasn't unheard of, from what she knew, but it seemed rather unusual he could not establish the bond, long enough to free her. Then again, neither Squall nor Rinoa had been in contact before this.

Still, it always occurred to Edea that over the years, neither seemed to 'free' themselves of the bond. Maybe Squall considered himself a former knight without a definite mutual understanding between the two that they would always be connected. In fact, Edea had often believed they were destined to be brought back together under the stars, as neither had freed each other truly from their commitment.

A former knight, with no bond to his sorceress, would have not been able to establish any amount of communication. Rinoa proved that wasn't the case with her account.

"Rinoa," Edea began, knowing the young woman needed time to understand this. "You are going to need to heavily rely on the support and love of people. Believe in yourself and don't doubt your mind - that is when true chaos begins."

"I don't know." Rinoa felt so alone in all of this. As much as tried to free herself from her chains, it was an impossible dream. "He wanted to marry me; we found the ring this afternoon. I had no idea."

She had no idea what possessed her to admit that out loud, especially to Cid's wife. But that wasn't who Edea was right now. She was her own person, she was something far more.

Edea was honestly taken aback. She had not truthfully expected it out of Squall; then again, the man was full of surprises. He rarely liked to fit into any mold, as he was truly one of a kind. She loved him dearly for it. Still, on top of the challenges Rinoa now faced, this newest information seemed infinitely cruel.

"Rinoa, I had no idea. I know he obviously cared about you deeply, please know that never changed. He faced so many challenges at such a young age and overcame so many obstacles...but sometimes the past cannot be completely conquered."

Rinoa looked at her feet, at the window, anywhere but into the eyes of the person sitting across from her.

"I know he cared, it's just…you know what, never mind." She shook her head; it was all irrelevant now. It was the past, and as Squall's Matron just said, it may never truly be conquered.

After a prolonged silence, Edea was the first to move. She reached into her small handbag producing an envelope. She held it tightly for a minute as if contemplating her actions. Still, it was a necessity. Extending her arm, she offered the letter to Rinoa.

"Xu asked if I could give this to you. I believe it has something to do with the financial end of his estate… When you feel you're ready, you may want to look."

Rinoa stared at the foreign object. She honestly wanted nothing to do with his estate anymore than she already had. She had no desire to receive any money from him. But in the same regard, this selfish part of her didn't want it going to Garden. It may have been self-centered or juvenile, but they didn't need the funds. She didn't want the money, but on moral grounds, either justified or not, she wouldn't allow it to go to them. She could donate it, she could help others. And that was damn well what she was going to do.

* * *

The next couple days seemed to pass in a dreamlike state.

In the course of just under forty-eight hours, she had finished packing the contents of his apartment. For better or worse, it was finished. She followed the headmaster's advice begrudgingly, allowing Garden to store most of the belongings until a time they were deemed necessary. Again, she hoped that his belongings could help those in need. Just like the money, she wanted his death to mean something, something more than Garden could offer.

With her friends, she had gone to great lengths to avoid the subject of the engagement ring. In fact, she had packed it in her suitcase along with Xu's letter. She made herself believe that if she didn't look those items, they weren't there. Selphie and Quistis tried to talk about it on two separate occasions, but Rinoa flat out refused to yield on the subject. It was denial, she could admit, but it was simply her choice at that time.

To deny was easier than to accept.

She had regained a broken friendship with both Quistis and Selphie in the following days, but also managed to completely avoid any emotionally-charged subjects. They had both sensed the signs of her denial, but both knew it would take time and tried to support her in other ways.

However, on the second night, Selphie did emotionally fold and tell Irvine about Squall's breakdown. She had to; it was a question of her own sanity at that point. She knew the secret would be safe with him. Irvine had not taken the news with such disbelief as the two females. He had witnessed too many firsthand situations in the battlefield in Galbadia. Being a sharpshooter also meant reading and understanding people and identifying weaknesses to somehow exploit if necessary. He was shocked, but not surprised… Then again, most of them were still too numb to truly explore their feelings. Maybe it was better that way.

Edea had watched the events unfold carefully as well, keeping a watchful eye on her one-time protégé, for lack of a better term. Even in her time of grief, Edea felt something of Rinoa's story seemed off, but there was no way to backup her intuition. Cid had still been absent, and she faced the nights alone in bed, but surrounded in the day by adoptive family.

Rinoa had sent a few boxes of Squall's to Timber. She hated her weakness, but somehow she refused to let some things go…at least, not yet. She was not done mourning.

Since she had found the ring, she hadn't shed another tear after that day. She couldn't. There was nothing left in her. It had been building to a crescendo for so long, now it was an endless numbing sea. Laguna and Ellone had returned to Esthar, but she promised to stay in contact and she would…if it didn't hurt too much. She hadn't found the courage to tell his father about the ring, but really, it was of little importance. Laguna was already suffering enough; she empathized with heart and soul.

On the third day, Rinoa boarded a train to Timber. She managed a smile; it was real in its own way, but forced in another. Irvine, Selphie, and Quistis drove her to the station and waited with her. Maybe there was a lot left unsaid, unanswered and maybe even ignored…but in time, they would face the barriers together.

Rinoa knew she had to return to Timber and go back to the life she forged for herself. Garden wasn't her home anymore. It hadn't been for quite awhile. She would see Watts, and God help her, face Zone. Something she wanted to emphatically deny happened. But it did. She wished to God it hadn't. She didn't know what she would tell her friends from Timber about her visit, about anything. She didn't even know how she would face the next day. But she would. She tried not to think about Edea's words, she wanted to believe her thoughts were her own. Not out of madness, but out of grief. So she sat on the train, almost a stark contrast to the way she arrived.

Rinoa Heartilly would be returning to her life. It would never be normal, but at least it was hers.

* * *

**   
_Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Measure of a Man _   
**

* * *

Rinoa took a step off the train, solemnly taking in the scene that had become such familiarity over the last three years. The streets of Timber were rather barren; it was just after nine on a work night. Of course there was always scattered activity, but just enough to illuminate the resilience of the city. Even without the daily bustle, she would always feel at home in the Timber's welcoming atmosphere.

She held a solitary carry-on bag; the other pieces of luggage had been checked through in Balamb. To fit those things in the overhead compartments would have been a nightmare in itself, another headache she didn't feel like dealing with. Fortunately, traversing the station's platform didn't prove to be that great of a challenge as there had only been a handful of other passengers disembarking at the station.

She let her mind wander hazily until the sight of a small girl caught her attention. The child let go of a woman's hand, her mother Rinoa figured, as the girl saw a masculine figure emerging from one of the forward cars. The little girl seemed so focused as she eagerly jumped into the man's arms. As the older female neared, it was obvious she also seemed emotional in the reunion. It was such a simplistic sight, but it conveyed the emotions Rinoa had so lacked in recent years.

The sorceress turned her head, shying away from the family scene playing out before her. Somehow, it felt as if she was invading in a rather personal moment. She knew firsthand what it was like to have your privacy stalked and preyed upon. She exhaled, focusing only on the movement of her feet as she continued down the platform. Her lungs filled with the overwhelming smell of diesel while she passed the train's double engines.

In Timber, there were different varieties of engines; some were electric, others ran on more archaic fossil fuels, and a select few were a combination of both. Actually, one of the projects she had been working on was eliminating all but electric engines from within Timber's borders. Well, to be more specific, she and Zone had been working on the transportation bill, which also included upgrading the transportation to Esthar.

She couldn't explain why, but even something as nauseating smelling as the diesel fuel normally would be, seemed to offer comfort. There was a sense of familiarity about it. Maybe it stemmed from deep-rooted memories of riding on the train as a child. She remembered seeing the massive size of the engines and the excitement of waiting for the train to emerge from the tracks just around the bend. It was almost magical how something like that could travel over the rails.

But most of all, she remembered when she once was that little girl, anxiously waiting for her dad to return home. It wasn't often that the Galbadian general traveled by train, but she remembered going to the station on a handful of occasions, vividly recalling the memory of watching for that mammoth engine to emerge from the horizon. She also remembered that her mother would buy her a snow cone on every trip. Looking back as an adult, it was probably just something to appease an anxious, and rather overly rambunctious, young girl. It was just something to keep her hands and mind occupied. But those were memories Rinoa truly treasured, memories that she recalled as a family. They were small and probably silly to most outsiders, but they were hers.

The young woman sighed again, realizing what she was doing. If it wasn't living in the recent past, she was going back into her childhood, focusing on anything but the present. She knew there was so much she had to deal with, so many realities to face, but somehow, remembering the past also brought the security she so desperately needed to cling to. As for the exact present, well, her only focus was on retrieving her luggage, going back to her townhouse, and hopefully falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

It had not taken long before Rinoa found herself unlocking her front door. Never in her life had any place felt this_ empty_. There wasn't even the welcoming cling of Angelo's tags to greet her as she entered. It felt pathetic how dependant she had become on her best friend's company. She wished that Angelo had been there to keep her from asking so many questions of herself. Somehow, at least having another living presence in the room helped negate the emptiness. Now the house just felt desolate and bare and she found the emptiness only brought on an overwhelming sensation of doubt.

Managing a few steps inside, Rinoa closed the door behind her. She immediately caught sight of three boxes just inside the foyer, and winced at the realization. Of course she shouldn't have been surprised to see the cartons in Timber; she damn well knew that she had sent them ahead of time from Balamb. And with Zone and Watts keeping an eye on her house, it should not have been the least bit surprising to see them stacked neatly inside. Yet, somehow, she felt as if seeing them there was just a way for fate to keep on taunting her.

Maybe too, it was also that initial thought that echoed within her mind, _"Squall's things are in my house."_ Would he have even wanted them there? Did she honestly even have the right to keep these few boxes? The law said yes she had a right, her conscience said no - she had folded her rights a long time ago. It was too damn late to argue this endless debate now, Rinoa would have a lifetime to do that. She might as well add these three boxes to the large 'what if' pile that was quickly stacking up in her mind. She seriously needed to get some sleep, before she drove herself mad in this endless cycle.

Placing her purse on a nearby table, she made it as far as the couch before collapsing. It was still dark, but she didn't have the will or the desire to turn any lights on. It felt more comforting in the dark anyway, at least it did right now. Rinoa was very well aware that it could have just been the sleep deprivation talking.

In the dark, there was no choosing between black and white or even those damn nauseating shades of gray. Life, and all its answers, was simply black. Allowing herself to fall back on the couch, she closed her eyes just to try to gain some focus. In the dark, she tried to push away doubt, but the doubt was all-consuming. She hated herself like this, she needed to think logically.

_Damn it. _Why couldn't Angelo be home right now?

She couldn't let herself do this; she needed to be that strong independent woman who resided in Timber. She was stronger than this. She opened her eyes suddenly, turning to the taunting light blinking on her answering machine. Logic told her to wait as there was nothing that important that couldn't wait until the morning.

Still, that line of reasoning felt ironic since she had said the same thing just before this nightmare had begun. The sorceress neglected to check her machine then and so, she predetermined her own fate to hear the news of Squall's death from a faceless reporter rather than a friend. Maybe it didn't matter in the end; the pain was still as great either way. Her hand visibly trembled as she reached toward the machine. Rinoa didn't know why she was feeling so masochistic. It _really_ could wait until morning. However, she also knew that if she didn't play the messages, the fear of the unknown would also tear away at her sanity.

The first few messages were from a scattering of friends in Timber, well, more along the lines of 'necessary business acquaintances.' It came as no surprise that the bulk of their messages were the same obligated 'my sympathies' spiel she had constantly heard at the funeral. It never seemed to get easier to hear, just one vacant statement after another. After a while, she became numb to any real meaning and all she heard were empty words. She knew that it seemed callous in some respects, but it was the truth. She couldn't help how she felt.

Then, of course, there were countless messages from both Zone and Watts. They seemed to alternate in a calling pattern, or at least it sounded like that. She figured that they had probably drawn short straws to see who called first. But honestly, neither probably knew what to say. That fact also was apparent by their messages. Again, it seemed they alternated between the typical condolences. However, it appeared that they had also tried to mix it up with different ending statements such as, 'haven't heard from you, hope you're doing all right, Angelo misses you, and, of course, please call us immediately when you get in.' It wasn't as if she wasn't grateful for their concern, quite the contrary. It just seemed their responses were similar to the other cardboard-cutout condolences she had already painfully endured.

A part of her knew she should call both of them right now. Even at this hour, they would want to hear from her. She had purposely avoided contacting them while in Balamb. It was stupid and weak. She needed to separate her two lives and calling them would be accomplishing just the opposite. Then of course, they would eventually ask about the details. She knew that it wouldn't have been done just to be insensitive, but rather because it was simply human nature to be curious. She couldn't fault them for that.

Still, at this hour, calling them would be one of those double-edged swords. She wanted and craved companionship but she didn't want the accompanying sympathy. And if she were to call, it was almost a given that it would inevitably seep its way through and grow to a point of annoyance. Again, she never doubted that their intentions were genuine, unlike countless others who had also left messages. Regardless, she didn't want sympathy, quite frankly, she didn't deserve it.

No, she couldn't do it. She couldn't deal with it tonight. Rinoa was getting extremely good at both procrastinating and denial. But at this point, she didn't even have the will to get undressed or even head up to the bedroom. Instead, she merely grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch, used a small cushion as a pillow, and closed her eyes. Maybe down here, she could find that deep, and hopefully dreamless, sleep she so desperately yearned for.

**   
**

* * *

**  
**

She barely managed to open her eyes before the incoming light made her tightly close them again. Rinoa heard the knock on the door, but she desperately wanted to hide under the blanket and sink back into the couch's overstuffed cushions. However, that didn't seem to be the future that life had in store for her. Of course not, that would be way too easy. She grumbled, pushing herself off the sofa and ungracefully stumbled toward the door.

She had wanted company today, but not this early in the morning. As of late, sleep had been scarce and she now treasured every last magnificent second of it. Still, she pressed forward, tiredly opening the door and somehow managing to wipe any remnants of sleep away in the process.

"Woof! Woof!" Angelo loudly barked, managing to surprise the young woman as she flinched at the sound.

The canine quickly bounded into the house without another 'word.' Nobody needed to ask the dog twice, as she already knew where the food dish was presently residing. Rinoa's eyes followed the dog's current trajectory. Apparently, her master was only deserving of a sideways glance and a few, albeit excited, tail wags. It appeared as if the dog had been to the brink of starvation in a week, and she was in desperate need of all possible types of nutrients. It had been about thirty minutes since Angelo had last laid eyes on a bowl of dog food. In canine terms, that was a lifetime.

"Nice to see you too," Rinoa replied in a long drone as Angelo disappeared behind the counter.

"Well, _it is_ nice to see you, Princess. Glad you're back." Zone seemed to take the initial greeting upon himself, at least between the two humans. Rinoa shook her head absentmindedly, drawing her attention to the man standing in the doorway.

"I'm _so_ sorry," she apologized. She hadn't meant to appear so rude, but she was still trying to regain her bearings after waking up. Finally, she stepped forward and the two drew into a brief hug.

"It's nice to be home, thank you. Please, please come in… I just got back last night. I never even made it upstairs."

"I see that," he said, nodding toward the makeshift bed, "Did you sleep all right at least?"

"Actually, better than I would have thought. I'm just glad to be back home. How'd you know I was here anyhow?"

He laughed. "It's Timber, Rinoa. A leaf turns brown and the news is around town in an hour."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "So, I'm just as exciting as a leaf? Glad to see that I'm in good company."

"The best," he answered matter-of-factly, "I know how much you love trees, flowers, and all that nature stuff."

"Something like that," she smiled in reply. It really was good to be home, if only it didn't feel so awkward. She tried to fight against that feeling, but it was always tugging away in the back of her mind. She couldn't help the uncomfortable silence. Whether it was from lack of sleep or the growing tension, she wasn't sure.

"So…" he began, trying to pick his words carefully. "Um… I stopped by Watts' this morning and picked up Angelo. I guess you can obviously tell how much she missed you…or missed the food… I mean," He found himself stumbling over his words again, "I guess, we…I want to know if you're all right or what. We didn't hear from you."

She sighed. Now she would feel guilty about this too. "Zone, I'm sorry it's just that… You know what, would it be all right if I made some coffee, then we could sit and talk? Maybe I'd even have the ability to think."

"No problem, don't forget how well I really know you. In fact, I was surprised that your first words weren't, '_coffee now - talk later,' _when you opened the door. I'm honestly impressed that you made it nearly a minute into the conversation before bringing up your morning dose of caffeine. This has to be a record."

"I know, _it is_ a record. I think I was still in shock from hearing about that leaf turning brown …" she attempted to joke, before gesturing toward the couch, "Anyway, make yourself at home. I'll go start a pot."

"I have a better idea," Zone countered, "you go upstairs, freshen up, do whatever you need to do, and_ I'll_ make the coffee. Apparently, Angelo knows the way to the kitchen. So, if I have any questions, I'll just ask her."

He smiled, placed both hands on her shoulders, led her to the bottom of the stairs, and mimicked his earlier comment, _"Go now. Coffee later."_

"You sure?" Rinoa questioned though she really didn't need to; his generosity wasn't that big of surprise. He always looked out for her, even if she didn't want him to. It was just his nature. But still, asking just felt like the courteous thing to do at the moment.

"Yes, Rinoa, I'm very sure…now get up there. Scat."

She turned around, offering a sincere smile before following his advice. For a few moments, she honestly forgot about the awkwardness she had felt earlier. She forgot about the memories of their shared kiss. Right then, she just remembered what it was like to feel comfort and security with him. She hoped that she could mentally and emotionally work through the situation with Zone.

The problem was that she honestly wasn't sure how she felt about that situation…and that was bothering the hell out of her.

* * *

Zell laid his head on his arm, desperately trying not to fall asleep. He had been up most of the night looking through more photographs and newspaper clippings. Now, with dawn approaching, he found himself fending off the tiredness - it was a battle he was rapidly losing. He closed his eyes before quickly opening them and then made an unintentional, and rather unattractive, snort.

"Just get to bed. You're starting to drool on the evidence," commanded Squall as he made his way to his chair.

"Sq-, uh…how long you been awake?" Zell asked, rather embarrassed. He wasn't exactly thrilled to be caught in such a state. It wasn't his shining moment as either a SeeD or a world savior.

"Long enough to know you're giving Cerberus a run for the money in the slobber department." Squall shot him an irritated glance. "Just go to bed. I've got the next shift."

The 'shift' was an idea that had been born out of necessity about four days ago. It seemed that being cooped up with each other for nearly twenty-four hours a day was well…very bad.

_Very, very bad._

Because of this, they had come to the mutual decision, or rather Squall decided, Zell just intelligently agreed, that they would take shifts in sleeping. Somehow, they were only slightly less annoyed when the other one was asleep. Again, according to Squall, only slightly - Zell seemed to have a nasal problem that magnified even more loudly in the van.

"Fine, but before I lay down, I did want to show you this." The martial artist set a printed computer graph sheet that had several cells of information on their workspace. "I started a list at square one, since we can't find any common denominators linking all the victims. You know, like that idea that sometimes the simplest theory is the right one."

Squall wanted to comment, but bit back his remark. The fact was, the martial artist was actually right, but that didn't seem to help the commander's mood. Strangely enough, it only irritated it more.

"See, Squall, I just put all the victims in here and listed things like their names, birthdates, cities, addresses, deaths, you know, that kind of stuff… to see if anything fits."

"Did it?" the commander asked with little enthusiasm. The answer already was already visibly apparent but, just for the hell of it, Squall asked anyhow.

"Yeah…um…_no_." Zell scratched his head. "But, I didn't put us on there either, I figured I'd let you put your information in… I felt kinda weird doing it and all. Plus, I didn't know if I should be on there, I'm not sure if I was a target or what."

"This guy doesn't miss. Did you see that last kill in Dollet? Hell, I don't think Irvine could make a shot like that." Squall left out the detail that the assailant missed with him, only because it was a near miracle that he was still alive. It was still a damn good shot at a fairly difficult distance.

"It says a lot. Yeah, I remember," Zell agreed.

It had been established that, once they got the autopsy report, the last victim in Dollet was a rather skilled shot. That fact helped in some regards. Whoever they were searching for had some military background, or at least something equivalent in the public sector. Police, security and even ex-military were all on the top of the list. Of course, that only narrowed it down to hundreds of thousands of possible suspects in every country around the world.

"So, you really think I wasn't a target?" Zell felt guilty for feeling some sense of relief at that notion. Of course, he wanted this to end. God, did he want this to end, but still, thinking someone wasn't out there planning on hunting him down was a huge weight lifted off of him. Now, if only he could help lift that weight off of Squall.

"No, Zell, I think you were a warning. If you lay with dogs…"

"Huh? What?"

"Never mind, it's an expression," Squall replied, annoyed by having to constantly spell out this crap, "Zell, what I'm saying is that you were the first person to be injured for being close to me. I would suspect it happens again, if the opportunity presents itself. Although next time, it may not be a warning shot."

It was right at that moment when the all too familiar sound of the cell phone rang. Squall hated that damn thing. In fact, he made a pledge that when this was all over, he was going to take it into the training center, set it on fire, smash it to microscopic bits, and then feed the ashes to a damn T-Rexaur. …And if he didn't get away from Zell soon, the martial artist would be the next course on the menu.

The phone annoyingly beeped again and Squall knew exactly who it was on the other end; it was only ever one person. He had actually grown to despise talking to the headmaster more than talking to Zell, which was saying a whole hell of a lot. He didn't even bother grunting a greeting when he answered, he had gotten used to hearing Cid immediately snap at him.

"_I need an update of your status."_

"_Yeah, good fucking morning to you too,"_ Squall mentally replied to the headmaster. Though the commander truly hated small talk, hearing Cid barking an order first thing in the morning was equally as irritating.

He **had** to get out of this van; he was quickly losing that last ounce of patience.

"Nothing new to report. We are still trying to find a connection. Does the SeeD team have any leads?"

"_Nothing outside of determining the reason you were targeted. We believe it was to make a political statement. Garden was hired as protection, so the shooter was showing he doesn't fear us or any authority."_

"So, shooting an actual politician would make no sense right? Seems to me he would shoot one to spite our presence."

"_Commander, you are an actual politician. Like it or not." _

"_Of course, according to Garden's fucking ideals I am. What a bunch of bullshit,"_ Squall thought. He hated being lumped in with that general category. Not that all politicians were bad, Rinoa and Laguna proved that point. Still, people like them were few and far between.

"_Excuse me Leonhart? You will not speak to me like that again. You have been warned before."_

"What are you talking about?" Squall asked, confused by the headmaster's comment.

"Garden's ideals. Our ideals are your ideals, don't you forget that."

"What are you…?" Squall spoke more to himself than to his superior. He could barely think back to the moments before. He had not said that 'ideals' comment aloud, could Cid read his mind? That was impossible… he did not say it out loud. The commander was honestly at a loss. He didn't care about the headmaster's ramblings right now.

The commander's next move wasn't the right response. In fact, it was clearly an act of insubordination. Still, Squall turned off the power and slammed the phone shut before tossing it in front of him. For a few moments, all he could do was stare at the damned thing.

Finally, he turned to look at the person next to him, the same one who had been quiet throughout the exchange. The martial artist saw something in his eyes that almost seemed like desperation rather than anger.

"Zell, did I say something about Garden's ideals out loud?" Squall's voice was unbelieving.

It seemed like a simple question, but it really held so much more.

"…Uh…yes, you did?"

For his part, Zell did not understand what was happening and the answer came out more as a question. Of course Squall said those words out loud, was this some type of trick?

Squall laughed.

It wasn't scripted or necessary. It wasn't even in the realm of normal. It was just a realization. A realization at life, his death, and every barrier he had ever built around himself. The more he tried to protect himself, the more the isolation dissolved his will to live. This whole thing was a big joke. This mission wasn't helping anybody, only hurting everyone he ever cared about.

The ironic part is that somewhere inside, he_ knew_ he had responded outwardly. He didn't care. He just didn't. He had wanted to say something for so long; he just didn't know how to say it. Nobody would listen then, not even his own conscience. It wasn't the actual words, as much as it was their unspoken meaning. This wasn't the same as before. In fact, this was some part of him desperately trying to send a message that he had been ignoring far too long.

_Someone had to draw a line somewhere._

Zell nervously darted his eyes back and forth. Had being in the van from hell finally taken its toll?

"Are…are you okay?" the martial artist asked, quickly fearing this was going to turn into another physical battle.

"Yeah, I am… I really think I am for the first time in a very long time." And strangely, he was. Somehow, everything just seemed to make sense. He couldn't explain it, nor did he even want to..

"Zell, I'm going to head to the campsite and freshen up. I know it's not the smartest move during the day, but nobody is out here anyhow. I just need to step away from this van for a bit."

"You…er…sure? I mean, is that a-" Zell began before he was quickly cut off.

"It's fine. Really. Just get to sleep, I'll be right back."

The martial artist really felt uncomfortable about this. The last few minutes just seemed…off. Still, he knew that Squall needed some space and god only knew that they both probably needed a shower. And so he begrudgingly agreed to the idea.

"Don't be gone long," Zell warned as he made his way down to the sleeping bag.

"Sure," the commander replied under his breath, "Where would I go anyhow?”


	10. Through the Looking Glass, Thine Own Self, and What you Leave Behind

** _Chapter Twenty-Eight: Through the Looking Glass _ **

Rinoa held the mug firmly in hand as steam danced above the coffee. At that point, just like the snow cone as a child, it was a way of keeping her hands occupied. Unfortunately, unlike then, it didn't sooth the turmoil churning in her mind.

About twenty minutes prior, she had followed Zone's advice and forced herself upstairs. She even allowed herself the luxury of taking a semi-relaxing shower. After changing into fresh clothes, she tried to make herself at least not look like a lifeless zombie – but that certainly summed up the way she felt. Then again, maybe her latest decisions were more stall tactics; she was still very much losing her war with procrastination.

Yet, there was always something liberating about a shower. Rinoa had tried to take those precious minutes to make sense of her thoughts, her life, and even her future. It seemed as if her mind was just as clouded as it was before and there was a storm gathering on the horizon. She couldn't help the wretched laugh that escaped her lips; her reaction was far beyond any sense of the norm. If anyone had seen her, they would have feared for her wellbeing.

The sorceress closed her eyes, letting the water wash over her body. But much like the coffee mug, it did nothing for her peace of mind. When she closed her eyes, she would only see fractured pictures of her childhood, of Squall, of Zone, of both _everything_ and _nothing _at the same time.

In some sick and demented way, she _wanted _to feel something for Zone. That would be the simplest solution after all. She yearned for that feeling again, to have someone just hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right. Even if it wasn't true, it was worth it to believe the lie for just a little while. She remembered what it was like when you helplessly fell into something new, something unknown, but most of all, something that was worth chancing the heartache.

However, she didn't feel that way about Zone. Damndest as she would try, she just couldn't.

So now she sat here downstairs, coffee mug in hand trying to figure out how to even begin a conversation with him. Either fortunately, or unfortunately as the case would be, Zone broke the silence with the one thing she feared most at this point: questions. She knew they would inevitably come, she just didn't know if she would have any of the answers.

"So um… Does Garden know anything about why he was targeted?"

It was obvious that Zone felt uncomfortable too. The mention of Squall was a rather touchy subject before this had happened. In fact, the use of his proper name was often avoided, whether it was deliberate, neither of them could say. After his death, well, talking about him would be near impossible. Still, Zone wanted her to open up to him. She needed to release the emotions from her system. In the end, it would help both of them overcome so many unspoken obstacles.

She shook her head somberly, looking down into the contents of her mug. "No, nothing."

Zone nodded. He wasn't going to push it. He had tested and discovered the boundaries, at least, where they rested as of now. It was time to change the topic… at least slightly.

"What about Zell? _Please_ tell me he's going to be all right."

"He is."

The young woman looked up and managed a rare, tiny smile. At least the news of her friend was rather optimistic. She needed to grasp onto every sliver of hope, no matter how small it seemed in the scheme of things.

"They said that he's in pretty stable condition. Garden just isn't releasing too much information as of now… It honestly comes down to a safety issue at this point. I can't blame them after…"

Zone reached over, softly placing his hand in hers. It was meant as a form of encouragement, but somehow, it felt empty. Rinoa had actually flinched at the initial contact. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was fear… but finally, she managed to relax beneath his touch. It was simply an act of friendship after all, something he had done on several occasions before and she had never thought about twice. She mentally chastised herself; it was no different now… so how come it felt that way?

"Rin, you don't know how glad I am to hear that… about Zell. I mean… considering everything, you know."

He consoled her by running his thumb over her the side of her palm. He actually had something he wanted to tell her about that subject, and now felt as if the time was right.

"Princess, I wanted to tell you, though it sounds kinda ridiculous now as I say it... Watts and I have gone in together and are in the process of getting something for Zell. You know, just something to let him know that we're all thinking about him here in Timber."

"Wha… really?"

Rinoa's eyes actually lit up with joy upon hearing the news. She only wished that they had felt this way about… No, she wasn't going to allow herself to go down that 'what if' path again. It was neither the place nor time and all her wishful thinking was irrelevant now. Plus, it wasn't as if Watts felt that way about Squall. Truly she believed, in some regards, her other friend had respected the commander. Watts, however, just never voiced any opinion out of loyalty to Zone. Again she chastised herself as her thoughts drifted back to Squall, even when talking about Zell, she couldn't help but linger on another.

Looking down to where their hands met, she asked, "So, what did you two get? I'd love to hear about it."

Zone scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Well, the whole thing seems kinda embarrassing now. It was just at the time, well, we felt like we had to do something. So it got me to thinking about all the times I was around him…"

"Please tell me it has nothing to do with the _Girl Next Door._" She honestly was only half-joking, but Zone did have a very sordid history with the magazine to say the least.

"Rinoa, I can't believe you'd even think that!" he laughed, managing to hold her hand tighter in the process. "Actually, Zone and I used our connections to get a picture of Zell's grandfather… he was a sorta well-known fighter if you remember. Well, okay…," he smiled admitting sheepishly, "maybe 'our connection' was actually just Watts running an image search on the computer. But hey, look who you're dealing with… not the brightest two members of the Forest Owls."

He was trying to lighten the mood. She was thankful, but also extremely curious. It appeared that he was attempting to skirt around the truth.

"Gah, Zone, just tell me… please," she nearly begged. She hoped that didn't sound as pathetic out loud as it did in her own head.

He smiled widely making direct eye contact. "Well, we're having a Triple Triad Card made with his grandfather's picture."

Rinoa could not believe the sincerity of the gesture. She fought hard against completely breaking down in front of her friend. Placing her free hand to her mouth, she tried to keep her emotions in check. She would have never believed such kindness in this simple act.

"Zone… that is just one of the… the nicest… You guys did that for Zell? Nobody's ever… just… thank you. You…Watts…just thank you both so much. That's all I can... I'm so shocked."

"Princess, it's no problem, I can't believe I've left you nearly speechless. We've always cared about Zell. It nearly made me sick thinking he wouldn't pull through. It was all such a tragic mistake… and Squ-" Zone quickly realized the path he was headed and tried to steer the conversation back on a more positive track.

"Rin, nobody ever challenged me in Triple Triad as much as Zell did… He may have lost a lot but he never gave up. I really admired that about him, he was always so optimistic. That's one of the reasons I wished you had called. You should have… "

He looked away when he knew that he could be crossing that line, the one he tried to respect. But somehow, he just couldn't pull himself back from his feelings any longer. "Damn it, Rinoa. I was so worried about you. We both were. You should have called or at least left a message. I thought that we deserved more than _nothing_... that I deserved more than _nothing._"

Zone stopped himself there, even though he so badly wanted to ask her about what happened after dinner that night. He had thought about that kiss for over two weeks. God, he hoped it meant as much to her as it did to him, that somehow, she could see him as more than a friend. Still, he was so fearful of the answer that he just couldn't bring himself to ask for that one simple truth. Maybe, for just a little longer, the 'not knowing' was better than the 'knowing.'

"He wanted to marry me."

And just like that, she blurted it out.

She wasn't sure where the words came from, or why the hell she would tell _Zone_ of all people, given their history. Still, she had not stopped thinking about that damned fact even as desperately as she tried. It had gnawed on her soul until she felt she could no longer take the empty pain.

"What?" Zone asked, completely thunderstruck. He let go of her hand almost forcefully, mentally withdrawing himself.

Did he just hear her correctly? Here he was trying to figure out how to approach her about the kiss and that damn bastard one upped him with a marriage proposal? Even in death, Zone would always be in the shadow of Squall's legacy. No, it wasn't right what he was feeling, but nobody knew what he was feeling, what he was going through. Not even Rinoa. He tried to act like the supportive friend and that got him nowhere; he had been doing that for years now. Still, he _was_ a friend and would try to help her, no matter how much it hurt.

"How… how did you find this out?"

"We found a ring while clearing out his apartment. The date on the receipt gave it away."

She could not look him in the eyes. She knew he would be hurt. It couldn't be helped, but hopefully, he would come to understand in time. Thankfully for Rinoa, Zone had not caught onto her little statement about 'clearing out his apartment.' That, in turn, would lead to even more questions and she didn't need to tackle that subject right now. If she was going to have a nervous breakdown, she wanted to only think about one given subject at a time.

"Honey, I'm so sorry."

He pulled her into a hug when no other words came. There was nothing he could possibly say to lessen the anguish. And when he held her, she didn't resist. She felt no need to pull away. Again, maybe she just needed that human companionship, no matter who she sought it from. It was wrong, maybe, but who was there to tell her that?

"You know, Princess, let's not talk about this anymore. But I do think you should know how much everybody in Timber missed you. It's not the same without you here."

"Yeah, I got the calls."

She kept her head resting on his shoulder. Again, she knew it was wrong on some level, but it also may have been the only thing keeping her sane.

"Just take as much time as you need off work, Rin. Everybody understands, trust me. They're all worried about you. I know someone with a cabin at Lake Obel if you feel like you need to get away for a bit."

"I can't go anywhere," the young woman answered, finally pulling away. She wiped her eyes thoughtfully even though she couldn't feel any trace of tears, somehow, she believed as if they should be falling. "I'm actually thinking about going back to the office tomorrow."

"Are you serious? Rinoa, are you _really_ in any condition to work? You need to put you and your health first. I think you still need more time to sort this out."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I just don't think I'm in any condition to sit around the house either. At least there, I'll have something to keep my mind occupied. I really need that focus right now. Whether I'm productive or not is honestly another question."

Zone contemplated her answer. On some level, he understood her decision. He too had found comfort in work at times. Still, he worried that she was trying to do too much too soon without giving herself the proper time to heal. Even from their brief conversation thus far, he honestly believed she was in some form of denial. That scared the hell out of him. Yet, this was his time to be the one to offer her support and he would damn well take this chance.

"Fine Rin, but I'm picking you up in the morning. Don't worry, I won't be here too earlier and I'll bring coffee. Like I said, I know you."

"All right."

She didn't want to argue; it simply wasn't worth the hassle. Not to mention, she had already expected this sort of behavior between him and Watts. She feared this was only the tip of the iceberg. They had always been extremely overprotective of her and now that would be magnified tenfold. It was just easier to politely smile, shake her head, and say okay.

* * *

Was he dreaming or was it a nightmare? It was rather vivid, yet completely random in nature. In one minute, Zell was watching a cheese pizza float by and in the next an Abyss Worm morphed from the many layers of cheese toppings. The martial artist couldn't make the distinction between dream and reality, lack of sleep had much to do with that. So, in defense, he threw a right jab in his dreamlike state. Of course, the receiver of the punch wasn't the dreaded Cheese Worm, but the metallic base of a chair. It seemed like his inanimate opponent was the victor in the match as Zell awoke grimacing in pain. That damn well hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, plus not the brightest move while one of your arms was still in a sling.

"Sorry," he mumbled an apology through his suffering, afraid that Squall would somehow find his latest outburst disrespectful.

The martial artist doubted the commander honestly cared either way, but always better to be safe. It didn't take much to anger his friend these days, again, best to err on the side of caution. He wearily opened one eye, taking a quick glance at his now swelling knuckles. He swore his hand was broken. Well, maybe not broken, but extremely bruised along with his ego. He could never speak of cheese pizza Abyss Worms to another living soul. Ever. Apparently, that whole 'macho martial artist persona' went out the window when morphing dairy products were involved.

Zell caught sight of his watch. Could he have possibly just slept for three hours straight? That was a new record in this godforsaken tin can. Usually, he barely could make it twenty-five minutes without waking up and feeling some part of his body completely numb from the accommodations… or rather lack thereof.

"Squall, you find anything new?"

Zell's question was rhetorical and he knew it. Still, it seemed like the polite thing to do though polite and Squall were polar opposites.

"Yeah, should've figured," Zell said after no reply was received.

The martial artist rolled onto his back, trying to ignore the new sharp pain radiating from his hip bone. By the end of the day, every part of his body was going to be broken, mauled, or forever numb.

"This whole thing is a damn needle in a haystack," Zell grunted, now annoyed with his sleeping bag. "I'd kill for a bed right now. It's the small things you take for granted… like a mattress, a feather pillow, and you know, in your case, not being dead."

The martial artist chucked, still dazed from his lack of decent sleep.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll shut up before you do it for me," Zell continued, not quite sure why he was pressing his luck with the commander. "Ya know, I think this is the most I've talked in four days. I should learn to stop when I'm ahead… or before you come over here and drop a computer on my head."

Zell covered his eyes with his hands, trying to block out the light that was getting in. It wasn't a lot, but anything right now was just too much. He shifted as much as possible, trying to lay on a part of his body that again wasn't numb, asleep, or currently in massive pain.

"So, Squall, did you ever call Cid back?" After a few seconds of silence, the martial artist apologized for their earlier confrontation. "Look, I'm sorry… I know you're mad at me, and I promise to shut up after this, but that really is a legitimate question."

He sat up irritated. Enough was enough, Squall didn't have to act like… well _Squall_ all the time.

"You could at least ans-" his words cut off as he made a startling discovery. "Um, Squall?"

After another second of looking around at well, _nobody,_ Zell finally spoke out loud. "Oh Shit. This _can't_ be good."

* * *

Somewhere between well, _now and then,_ she had managed to pass several hours. After Zone had left, Rinoa found herself blankly staring at the wall. Not the most productive use of her time, but it seemed to at least to occupy distant parts of her mind. The problem was when one was looking at an empty canvas, one could paint an entire portrait of life. After awhile, she could see shapes and forms appear in the wall; they were like ghosts reaching out to her. It was all in her mind, she knew that. It had happened before to a lesser extent. But somehow, it had now become a macabre hobby like watching clouds form objects in the sky… only slightly less sane.

Was this the kind of thing Edea warned her about? These momentary lapses of sanity? Maybe if she would just let herself completely break down, it would begin the healing process. She had willed herself to believe the healing had started after saying goodbye at the funeral. In a way, maybe it had. Well, until she found that damned ring and everything she had ever forced herself to believe seemed to fall to dust. She could no longer decide the truth from a lie, the factual from the perceived.

Why would anybody purposely put themselves through such agony? She had no idea, but somehow she couldn't wait any longer to face her past. She picked herself off the couch, casted all doubts aside, and made her way to her suitcase. A desperate sigh escaped her lips. Why the hell couldn't Zone pick this time to come back? She so badly needed an interruption, even a bark from Angelo would serve as a distraction.

Of course, luck would never be so kind.

As her fingers firmly held onto her bag, she slowly started to unzip the suitcase. One would think she was performing surgery if they witnessed her precise and intricate movements. As the material top was completely exposed, she stared absently at the contents of her luggage. It was neat. It was orderly. It again brought back memories of the way he lived his life - detailed, methodical, and always precise.

Tucked carefully in one of the case's material pockets were two things that she had tried to hide – mainly from herself. Somehow, there was no turning back now, she had to do this. To move forward, she had to step backward. The first thing she grabbed was the envelope Xu had prepared. In the upper left corner of the letter was the blue SeeD emblem signifying Balamb Garden. She never wanted his money, or any of his material possessions. This seemed wrong and felt like such a personal invasion, but again, she could not fathom the money going back to Garden. There were charities and organizations desperately needing assistance. This money could do so much good in the world; she was so tired of only knowing the bad.

Of course, she would be lying if she said that there wasn't at least the littlest bit of curiosity regarding his finances. Squall had always been extremely secretive on both his salary and finances. She knew he always had enough to support himself. Then again, he was equally as resourceful and could be downright frugal at times. He didn't need a lot. That was not Squall. Still, it never felt like it was her business; it was part of his life and something that he had rightfully kept to himself. Looking now felt as if she was breaking yet another trust, one that was never spoken but simply understood and honored.

At this point, Rinoa didn't bother looking for a letter opener. She had made her way to the floor and truthfully she didn't have the desire to stand. Or honestly, even the physical strength. Her finger ran under the envelope's fold, not-so-neatly ripping it open. Again, she hesitated before making that final motion, the one to pull out that intimating piece of paper.

But these were his wishes and she would abide.

The first paragraph was that legalese that seemed foreign, that same alien language Xu had spoken back in Balamb. It stated something about liquidations, assets, and available funds. Apparently, the money had already been transferred into her bank account. Again, Xu had indicated that much would happen. If Rinoa had thought about it, she would have been more concerned about how Garden had already obtained such information, but they always had their ways.

Her eyes skimmed the rest of the report. The majority of the page was a list of funds, assets liquidized, and some scattering of percentages. However, the final line was as clear as Balamb's crystal waters. The net amount deposited into her account, was at that current time, just over two million, sixteen thousand Gil.

She nearly stopped breathing; it took a concentrated effort to do just that. Never in her life had she imagined so much. Hell, she would never make that much in an entire lifetime – two lifetimes. If she wanted to, she could pay off the mortgage on her house and buy the two surrounding blocks. This was surreal. She tried not to think about the price paid for this money, off the blood of others. Still in shock, she stuffed the letter back into the envelope before letting it fall onto the open suitcase. She could never keep this money.

Again, the anger began to mount within her, this time for him giving _so much_, but _so little_ at the same time. It was never about the money, and part of her almost took this as the ultimate slap in the face. She knew that was not his reasoning, but damn it, she couldn't understand anything that went through that man's head.

The shock had not worn off as she reached back into the suitcase for that second item. The one that seemed to hold her sanity hostage the last few days – the small velvet box. When its texture brushed with the skin on her fingertips, she felt her entire body recoil at its touch. It took her several deep breaths before gathering the will to remove it from her luggage. She looked at the box, so small, so fragile, and oh so meaningful. She hated everything it represented.

And Rinoa Heartilly didn't truly _hate _anything, until now.

* * *

Maybe that nightmare of the ridiculous cheese worm seemed like the lesser of two evils in the long run. Zell paced around the van, which was extremely difficult to do hunched over in such a confined space, but truthfully, he didn't care about semantics right now. Three hours had passed since the initial discovery of Squall's disappearance. In that time, he had searched, double searched, and well, searched until he was positive this was going to end with a lot of screaming by the headmaster. Boy, he despised his job right now.

Spending the last fifteen minutes pacing in the van was counterproductive, but seriously, he did not want to make this call. At all. Ever. Not one little bit.

He actually wished that Squall had taken the one mobile phone they had been given. Instead, the commander insisted upon leaving it in the same spot he had tossed it hours before. Now all the martial artist could do was glare at it as if it were an Anacondaur dripping in venom. Seriously, if he had not given up meat at this point, he would be wallowing knee-deep in a stack of hot dogs.

Zell knew the longer he waited, the worse the possible outcome. It was now or never, though he truthfully was praying for 'the never.' Stopping before he made himself sick from walking in near circles, he sat down in one of the chairs. In one inspired moment, he quickly made a grab at the phone. Luckily, unlike prior musings, it didn't bite him or attempt to counter with a barrage of poisonous attacks. At least_ not yet_, he still did have to dial after all.

He mumbled out loud as he powered the cellular device, damn annoying pictures and redundant chimes every time it was turned on. Who thought of this stuff? More importantly, why in the world couldn't he have _that job _right now? That person wouldn't have to face the wrath of Cid Kramer… Seriously, when this was over, he was going to see if he could find out how to apply for that position at the cell phone manufacturer.

Now, of course, it was up to him to take that final step. He would do it, he had to. Squall rarely contacted Cid, it was most often the reverse. So Zell figured when the headmaster saw the incoming number, it would set off an internal alarm.

His thoughts were dead-on, as a voice on the other end impatiently answered.

"_Status?"_ There were no introductions or formalities on the headmaster's end; that part was rather routine.

"It's um… me," Zell managed. He didn't want to give specific names, just in case.

"…_And your partner is?"_

Zell could tell that Cid's question was extremely leading, almost as if he was half expecting something of this nature. Plus, it was always a given that it would be Squall at the other end of the line. To have someone else call was clearly another red flag.

"Er yeah, about that… I'm not really sure…"

"_What? What the hell happened?"_

"See… we were taking shifts sleeping. I woke up and he was gone."

"_Does it look like someone got to him?"_

"No, no signs of anything. I… I think he just," Zell swallowed hard before finally answering, "left."

What shocked the martial artist was when no discernable sound came from the other end. There was no yelling, screaming, not even a 'disgruntled grunt.' It was just eerie silence. After a few seconds of dead air, Zell was afraid the call had been dropped.

"Sir?"

"_I'm here,"_ the headmaster replied. _"How long?"_

The question was almost serene in Zell's opinion.

"At the most, I'd say six hours… At the least, maybe three."

"_Okay,"_ Cid again replied evenly. _"You're going to have to follow him. This mission isn't over by a long shot, but apparently, we're being forced to amend it."_

"Sir, follow him? I mean where?"

There was only a momentary pause before the headmaster replied, _"We all know 'where.' From your location, it's about a forty five minute trek to the East Academy station. Before that, there are some industrial lumber yards, my guess is that he's already on train. Traveling by rail is the most logical and the most direct."_

"You don't think I should cut him off somewhere? I mean how many trains could leave around these parts daily?"

"_No, do not even attempt that. It's not worth the risk of exposure. Just,"_ the headmaster stopped himself, not believing the next order he was about to give. _"Just take the van and meet up with him in Timber, we'll figure this mess when you two regroup."_

"Am I hearing this right?" Zell was truly dumfounded. This went against everything he thought he understood about Garden.

"_Yes, you are. I somehow was expecting this call… I hoped it would have been longer. It's partially… never mind. I apologize, I'm getting off track. Your primary focus, for the moment, is not to be discovered. Too much will be lost at this point. We need this puzzle solved first or Garden will lose credibility. This idea was always a calculated risk from the start."_

Zell didn't want to ask, but it had to be addressed.

"Um… what about her?"

It was only a few seconds before the headmaster answered rather quietly.

"_Trust her. Apparently, the choice is no longer ours to make."_

 

* * *

** _Chapter Twenty-Nine: Thine Own Self_ **

* * *

Both body and mind were hypnotically entranced by the velvet box.

Rinoa used her last bit of strength to push herself from the floor. Looking outside, she noticed it had started to rain. With every passing second, the deluge only seemed to intensify. There was no thunder or lightning to be witnessed, just an even rhythmic pounding against the earth. The rain reminded her of that last night with Squall… It always did.

It was a scene etched into her thoughts; a time in her life that would truly define the person she would become. It was a warm evening engrained in her senses – sight, sound, texture, and even the smell. It was the scent of fresh rain mixing with the surroundings, but most of all, it was the haunting smell from a lone vendor.

It was the roses.

She would always remember the fucking roses. Her mind would always recall those two vile smells entangled with one another. Roses and rain - two things that were beautiful within poetry, but revolted her within her own mind. She would rather live the remainder of her years without encountering either of those two things again.

Making her way to the couch, she shied her eyes from the downpour. It had rained often in the last three years; Timber's climate always included a lot of precipitation. It was one of the main reasons vegetation thrived so plentifully in the area. The rain was always a factor in sustaining the plant life but she always equated it with the opposite.

Still, in all her years of living here, the rain never made her feel quite like this. It was uneasy, unsettling, and jarringly unknown. "_It's only rain_," she mentally tried to convince herself. Yet, on the other hand, something about this whole evening seemed to awaken emotions which lay dormant for years… God, she really was losing it, wasn't she?

She sat down, trying to clear her mind. She had to focus. She had to move on. Angelo was at one end of the couch, nestled in the makeshift bed from the night before. The dog offered some comfort, outstretching a paw as if to say, 'I'm here.' The sorceress forced a pitiful smile, giving the canine a loving scratch between the ears. But what Rinoa had to face would be a pain endured alone. There was no promise of comfort at the end, only a conclusion to a solitary journey.

Now she sat helplessly there, her eyes remaining fixated on that godforsaken box. She could do this… all she had to do was reach deep inside herself and pull out nothing short of a miracle.

So she did.

Well, at least the closest thing to a miracle she would ever again see in her lifetime. She figured she had already used her share of miracles in her past and that fate would grant her no more favors. As the container snapped, she was face to face with the demons which she had denied. It took every ounce of willpower not to just shut the damn thing and throw it across the room. Or better yet, toss it outside into the rain. Somehow, she believed that there would be poetic justice in that, to see the rain water slowly wither and destroy the box. But with her luck, even after the rain, the velvet would dry and once again regain its elegance. She, on the other hand, would always remain a stark contrast to her former self.

Yet, even through her resentment, she couldn't help but be memorized at the ring. It was beautiful, faultless, and absurdly perfect. Again, those facts made her sick. A large center cut marquise diamond was beautifully accented by several small, round stones and encased in the eloquence of a platinum band. In some ways, it was extravagant, in others, it was simplistic. The stone wasn't too large but she could tell it was flawless in quality.

"What did you do?" her voiced echoed silently in the room.

Was she talking to herself or to the ghost of a man she felt that she barely knew? She closed her eyes, hoping to erase the ring from her mind. She felt anger and betrayal; she felt resentment and anguish. In an almost childlike act, she finally gave into a more juvenile urge and slammed the box shut.

Rinoa wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing. In a moment of weakness, she slammed the box down on the coffee table. Angelo jerked from her position, confused at the sudden commotion as her ears pinned back. Rinoa silently cursed at whatever deity was responsible for this twist of fate. Someone was laughing at her somewhere, she was almost sure of it.

If Rinoa could have turned back time, she would have done just that. She wished that Quistis had never found that damned receipt. Even worse, she honestly wished that the ring _had been_ for Lauren. That would have been easier to accept in the long run. Yes, it would have been harder than hell to face, but at least it wouldn't have left so many unanswered questions. She hated the truth. Or maybe, she just wasn't ready to accept it.

Rinoa could honestly no longer sit or be still. Her body was tense and sitting did nothing to help appease the anxiety. As Rinoa stood, Angelo titled her head with a confused look. The poor dog had no idea of the turmoil her master was facing. The best the canine could do was helplessly stare at her and offer silent companionship.

"You are such a goddamned bastard!" Rinoa yelled, although the person it was directed toward would never hear her tirade. "I hope to hell you're happy. Was this what you wanted me to go through? Why couldn't you just let me be… after all this time you did _this_?"

Sucking in her breath, she tried to figure out the incoherent and jumbled thoughts in her head. Looking upward, she hoped that somehow this message would reach him. She never confronted him in life, so in death he would hear her peace. She knew that this outburst might have been a selfish attempt at healing, she knew, but damn it, she could no longer hide inside herself.

"Squall Leonhart, you couldn't fully commit to anything that didn't have a fucking blade or bullets. A weapon you would spend years studying and understanding, but our relationship… hell no. So was this just another promise you never intended to keep? Or just a way to shut me up? Why would you even do this? Just… why?"

Her voice caught as all vehemence was lost. Now, her words had somehow taken on the edge of desperation. God help her, she just needed answers.

"And that night you were shot, when I was in the restaurant… what where you trying to tell me? Were you trying to free us of one another? Was that it… were you trying to set me free?"

She looked out the sliding glass doors that led into the small atrium, before her eyes focused back to the taunting box on the table. Nothing made sense, not a single damn thing.

"Did it ever occur to you, Squall Leonhart… that I _never wanted_ to be free?"

Her last words were laced in despair and she felt a newfound surge of emotion taking hold. It was simply unbearable.

Her mind raced as adrenaline sped through her veins. She had lost it. She just wanted to run, to run away from this life and all its heartache. To run away from everything she thought she had come to understand. She wanted, _needed_, to escape from her own demons. She ran like that once before as a teenager; she ran away from her father and never looked back. That was her first step towards independence. It was freeing. She needed that sensation again and needed to feel the exhilaration of being indebted to no one, to be without care or responsibility.

So that's what she would do. It wasn't logical or the least bit sane, but it felt like the only way to save herself _from herself_. So she would run. She laughed again, just as she had done in the shower, not having a solitary care. It was cynical and malevolent, and truthfully, it wasn't her. But it was what she would become if she stayed trapped within this void. So without thinking about the consequences, she ran to her front door, her body trembling.

And she ran.

* * *

When the door had slammed, Rinoa felt like she could never look back at her life. She had wanted to run away from the agony and to be void of all emotion. Honestly, to feel _nothing_ would be better than feeling _this_. Her bare feet hit the sidewalk, never feeling the sting of a single rock or twig in her path. The adrenaline overruled any sense of pain, or maybe it was it was something deeper, something more primitive or magical.

It wasn't cold outside, rather the opposite. The rain pelting her body felt invigorating. So she ran along the streets for who knew how long – ten, twenty, maybe forty minutes? She ran until she couldn't run anymore, until all breath was drained from her body, until desperate gasps of oxygen tore through her lungs.

The rain flooded the streets, rushing quickly into nearby storm drains. Eddies swirled, leading the water down into the abyss. It was like an unseen force was pulling her, one that drew her into the unknown.

She so badly wanted to stop this madness but she couldn't.

As she approached another intersection, she never attempted to stop. If she had the ability, she would have noticed that her journey had almost come full circle. Her mind was too blurred to focus on her surroundings. Even in a city she knew well, she was nothing more than a tourist lost in its fold. As she reached the curb, her foot slipped. Bare skin met with pavement and a large section of skin was ripped from her heel.

With the new sting radiating from her ankle, she managed a few more uneven steps until exhaustion overwhelmed her. Her body was partially out in the street. She fell to the pavement as a stream of water rushed passed her body. The pain engulfed her as her knees slammed into the asphalt.

"No..." her voice choked out under the steady rhythm of the rain, "No... What in the hell am I doing?" she demanded, looking up into one of the nearby streetlamps.

For the first time since running, she was started to regain clarity. The rain looked like silver bullets falling from the heavens, reflecting under the light - each one cutting a path directly for her. She wished they were truly bullets; they could have ended this pain.

This wasn't right, she knew it wasn't… She was stronger than this.

Staring into the streetlamp, vertigo overtook her senses. The hypnotic combination of light and rain made the bile in her stomach rise. She gagged on the reflexive action, trying to make sense of any of this. How in the hell did she even get out here? She barely remembered what brought her to this point. Yet, she felt as if she could have drown from a lethal blend of vomit and rainwater. It was then her eyes closed and she fought to regain sanity.

In the next moment, one which could have only been described at bitter acceptance, she heard the screeching of tires.

She saw an ashen bright light steadily grow in front of her. She smiled. It was all she could see. The new sensation filled her body with hope she hadn't known in some time. Was this what death was? Was it a sense of nirvana and freeing of all the hindrances from this world? Although, if she was dead, why did she still feel such mortal pain? Her body ached, her legs numbed, and her heel continued to trickle blood.

Still kneeling on the pavement, she opened one eye only enough to see an outline of what appeared to be a set of legs. They were moving toward her with the comfort of an angel; an angel to take her where pain was no longer felt. And right now, she welcomed it.

"Squall?"

The name was spoken softly, an audible prayer in a world of silence. The rain pounded to the ground but she could no longer feel or hear its existence.

"Are you all right? Can you talk?"

It wasn't Squall; it never would be again. It was then when her surroundings faded back from the nothingness. The dizziness started to weaken, but never completely ebbed from her body. She focused on the ashen light, noticing it was only the headlights from a car - blinding, glaring, and completely man-made. She felt a stranger's hand touching her back, shaking and distraught from the trauma.

"I-I was running... I slipped," the sorceress explained.

"Are you all right? Do you need me to call an ambulance?"

Rinoa looked up into the worried gaze of an elderly woman. She had never meant to lay her burdens, and stupidity, upon another. The woman had nearly hit her, probably had a near heart attack trying to avoid her. It seemed like all she could do anymore was cause other's pain.

"No, no… I'm fine really. I'm so sorry… I never meant to-"

"Shh, hun, don't you dare fret about it. Please just let me call a doctor or someone for you."

Rinoa shook her head, refusing the woman's offer. How could she even begin to describe her careless actions to medical professionals? She'd be locked up before the night's end. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing but too many others would be hurt in the process. Finding the strength to stand, Rinoa managed to make it into a squatting position.

"Just give me a second," Rinoa winced. She finally took a good look around and wanted to laugh. She was just over a block from her place. Apparently, she couldn't escape the trials of her life; it wasn't in her destiny.

"I am so sorry about all of this ma'am. Don't worry, I live close. I'll be fine." Rinoa made a nod in the direction of her house before finally rising all the way to her feet.

"No need to apologize. We all have those nights we'd rather forget. Trust me, I'm an expert on that subject. Oh, and please call me Maude. That _'ma'am' _nonsense makes it sound like I date back to the days of early Centra."

The sorceress shut her eyes, fighting the pain. The woman smiled, always keeping a supportive hand on Rinoa's back. "And do you really think you can walk?"

"Yeah, I think so..."

Opening her eyes, Rinoa tried desperately to focus. It seemed as if she was caught between the lines of blurred and nonexistent. Glancing down to her leg, she noticed that she really had done a number to her ankle. However, pride kept her from acknowledging it out loud.

"Again, I'm so sorry…" Rinoa bit her lip in utter embarrassment. "This really isn't like me."

"Well, you shouldn't be out here in this rain...you'll catch your death."

"_If only it were that easy,"_ her mind chided.

Every scratch, abrasion, and bruise seemed to multiply the longer Rinoa remained standing. Plus, she couldn't have this woman out in these conditions any longer; she'd never forgive herself if something happened because of her.

"Maude, right? You'll catch pneumonia in this weather. Please... don't worry about me." Rinoa managed an honest smile.

The older woman returned the gesture and added with a sly wink, "Now you just sound like my _soon-to-be_ fifth husband, always worrying. I'll be just fine. But can I at least give you a ride back to your place?"

"No, it's just around the corner. I'm good, really."

"Sure I can't call someone for you? Boyfriend, husband, anyone?"

That thought nearly made her laugh.

"No, no… Thanks again, I really need to get back."

The sorceress nodded, dismissing herself rather abruptly. She already felt like the fool and standing in the street didn't help. Rinoa turned back, offering a wave before heading home. Biting her lip, she tried not to limp, refusing to give into the pain or even allow the illusion. So to keep her thoughts occupied, Rinoa focused ahead to the small white lights that lined the trees, the very ones visible from her office. Even under the most horrendous circumstances, they somehow brought her joy. It was such a minor detail added to the city, but something that gave Timber great personality. They twinkled and shone brightly, they endured the elements, and like them, she would find a way to do the same.

* * *

Never in her days of fighting had she ever felt so defeated. Her body ached with every step, but her mind was lost in a sea of infinite failure.

"_Rinoa, this is stupid... you've made it fine for the last three years. He went on. You went on. Now you're going to have to get your act together and do it again. Damn you, stop it. You'll be fine." _

"Fine – ha," she whispered aloud, "you were never fine."

No part of her body was free from the rain's assault. Her clothes were soaked through, weighing her down like an anchor. She took the final steps, looking at her front door. Apparently her little adventure had accomplished nothing. The only things gained from the experience were embarrassment, confusion, and some newly-acquired physical injuries.

What had happened? It made no sense. She had felt so detached from herself, much like those first days of trying to harness her sorceress powers. It was chaotic and racked with frustration, but with help and support, she found the strength needed. She needed that strength.

Her hand trembled as she reached for doorknob door. A blast from the air conditioner made her entire body involuntarily shudder. The cold air felt like a thousand tiny needles piercing her skin. She managed to close the door before staggering to her living room. She didn't sit on the couch, instead, gently fell to the floor. Water dripped off the ringlets of her hair, forming small puddles on the carpet.

Why, why was she taking this so hard? She had lost others in her past. Hell, she had even lost a parent... but this loss felt bonded to her soul. She was merely a child when her mother passed and although that void would always be a part of her, somehow it grew dimmer with time. Maybe this would too. She felt so inconsequential in this life. Time seemed of little importance. A week, a month, a decade... it all was over within the blink of an eye. Maybe in twenty years this pain too would be a distant memory, only a scar on the face of time.

Wincing in pain, she shook her head of those thoughts. Rinoa needed to focus on something else and right now, her physical injury seemed appropriate. She had not seen her scrape in the light and part of her was thankful. It would be a physical reminder of her lapse in judgment. Still, she had to know. She started to look at her heel, but her eyes caught on something else.

That damned ring.

Rinoa hated herself for what she was about to do. It was either born out of curiosity or masochistic desires, but either way, it wrong. Reaching forward, she took the box in her hand and carefully opened it. This time, she did something that she hadn't dared before, she removed the ring from the box.

Balling it tightly in her left hand, she felt the band imprinting into her palm with the pressure. In one weak second, she opened her fist and with trembling hands, she placed it onto her finger. It was almost a perfect fit - a little loose, but perfect nonetheless. It was beautiful. It was as if her action signified some morbid union. Giving in, she lay down on the carpet, memorizing the feeling on her finger. The many facets of the cut diamond sparkled, emulating all the hues of the rainbow. It was a moment of beauty bathed in the ugliness she felt.

"To death do us part," she somberly whispered.

An eerie noise seeped through the doorframe as the winds outside grew stronger. It was like a ghostly presence objecting to her thoughts; even the fates didn't want her to be with his memory. With the rain pelting the windows, it was the perfect setting for a horror movie, save for the lack of raging thunder and lightning. She closed her eyes once more, imprinting the crystalline gemstone into memory. Her body was weak, her mind was weaker. She allowed herself to give into the weakness and fell into a tentative sleep.

* * *

He stood with a solitary piece of paper, one scribbled with an address he had never known. It truly was a crossroad in his life, well, another one. After this however, there was no turning back. Right or wrong, it was a choice he had made. But that was it, _he had made it_. There was something liberating in that fact alone.

There would be blame, anger, resentment – there would be everything. Maybe there was no hope, but he had to find out himself. He needed to do this for himself. Selfish, hell yes, but everybody had wanted something from his whole life, even her. But this was different, this was his decision. His.

People told him all the time how great he was, what a wonderful job he was doing, but that was it… it was only a job. He didn't know if he had just handed Garden his resignation. It honestly was not intended that way but, he understood the risk. He even found a strange sense of exhilaration from the not knowing. He knew that if he remained in SeeD, it would never be the same – _if he remained._

He didn't know what tonight would bring. The only thing he knew it would bring was the end of the lies. Maybe not to everyone, but to someone that have never should have been lied to in the first place. He allowed that, he allowed Garden to mold his future out of clay. No more. The decisions he made now would be his alone.

It might have been assumed it was an impulsive decision to leave, but it was an impulse that had been carefully conceived and thought out. It wasn't a question of if it was going to happen in his mind, it was only a matter of the timing.

And then it just happened.

It was when he finally didn't know where he started and where Garden ended anymore. So he left. He waited for his fellow SeeD to fall asleep, looked up an address, and shut the door to that damned van. It was easier than he thought; the hard part was just taking that first crucial step. He finally did. He took step after step until he found himself on a train. It took some skill to not be seen, but it wasn't impossible, not even that great of a challenge compared to most.

So he rode a train first in the light, then in the dark and now he was standing in the rain. His piece of paper soaked from the rain, as was he. Still, it didn't matter. When he finally saw the house he allowed himself to smile. He was proud. It might not have been the normal reaction but what was normal in their situation?

She had accomplished so much. She was a different person than that mere 'amateur' that he watched on a train car. The problem was… what had he accomplished? Sure maybe on paper there were decorations, medals, and awards. But what about him? He was nearly that same person from the train car... and honestly, he wanted to be something more.

* * *

Rinoa's eyes opened wearily several hours later. Trembling head to toe, her body had collapsed from pure exhaustion. Her clothing was still damp and clung to her body. Pushing herself up, she nearly fell from the sudden faintness when she stood up. Fighting against the sensation, she won this small victory and it was a sensation in which she would revel.

Her only thought was finally heading upstairs and ending this miserable night. The table lamp next to the couch was still lit from earlier and she inwardly grumbled as she made her way there. It grew increasingly difficult to take each step, but she managed to make it back to the sofa.

As she reached for the lamp, she never reached her goal. Instead, the sight of the ring on her finger made her remember. She wanted to get sick. She had to let this go, his death, the denial, and the unbearable guilt. The ring was never meant to be hers. Even though he had bought it for her, he had not given it to her. There was a reason, he had done the right thing.

With her fingers, she spun the ring around so the diamond was showing. In one last desperate moment, she wanted to believe. With her thumb and forefinger, she pulled gently, removing the ring from her finger. The tiny platinum band almost slipped from her grasp. Reaching down, she grabbed the box once again, placing the ring back into its given home.

It was well after midnight and she wanted nothing more than to go upstairs, change clothes, and fall into bed. Walking over to a desk, she placed the ring in the top drawer. Sighing, she reached up and removed the rubber band that held her hair in place. She had hastily put into a ponytail earlier when Zone was here. That single thought made her groan outwardly.

Tomorrow, she would be heading back to work and he would ask questions. No, _everybody _would ask questions. It would be an ordeal, to say the least. Maybe Zone was right, maybe it was too early to return. A sane person wouldn't run out in a storm and nearly get hit by a car. A sane person wouldn't be making cryptic vows to a ghost or trying on wedding rings. She had so much healing to do, but had no idea where to start.

These collective thoughts only made her do one thing…laugh. Again, clearly not the act of a sane person ready to face the world. Making her way back to the lamp, she finally turned it off ring-less. As the only light faded, a sudden shiver crossed her body. She'd had that feeling before, it was almost familiar. God, she truly was losing it. It was dark, but unlike last night, there was not comfort in it. Actually, it was very different. In some ways it was almost felt… liberating?

The wind picked up, knocking something over in her atrium. She grimaced, looking out at the rain - that would be another mess to deal with. The outside had its own pale light, a mixture of nature and streetlamps reflecting off the clouds. Rinoa could make out the outline of her patio furniture, the flower pots, the shrubbery, and for a brief second, she honestly believed the shadow of a person.

Now she was truly losing it, wasn't she? Stepping back against the wall, Rinoa hoped to blend in with the darkness. She had to have been seeing things; there was clearly precedence for that all day and especially this evening. As she continued to watch, the silhouette seemed to become more defined, and it truly made her pause. Either there _really_ was someone out there, or her hobby of watching patterns on the wall had greatly intensified, allowing her to see patterns in the rain. Very, very vivid patterns... In fact, very familiar patterns.

Stepping out from the darkness, Rinoa moved toward the atrium.

"S-Sq-Squall?" she spoke out loud for the second time tonight.

She didn't know where the thought came from or why she had said it so loud. Even as a question, it was spoken with some certainty. The figure seemed to nod as she stood entranced. It took her a few more wordless seconds before she managed to open the sliding glass door.

"You're dead," Rinoa reasoned aloud as she laughed.

And that's all she could do at that point, simply laugh. She had done it several times tonight, but now more than ever. It was a mixture of fear and sanity as she had lost all touch with reality. Her mind was playing tricks and was conjuring some very detailed mental hallucinations. Edea was right, severing the bond was going to be the biggest challenge in her life. Rinoa wanted to wonder how she would survive this, but honestly, at this point, she _wanted_ to believe in the fantasy. This Squall was a clear and vivid illusion. For a while, she just wanted to believe in her delusions.

Of course, this was the first time one of her delusions actually spoke to her.

"I'm here."

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty: What you Leave Behind _ **

* * *

**Foreword:** Eight years! Okay, strange way to start this chapter, right? But as of May 6th, I've been at for eight years. It's hard to believe at times. A day after (on May 7th) I posted my first chapter of Castles in the Sky. Just a quick thanks to everyone. I'm so glad I continued for all this time and thank you for all the support. I truly appreciate it. ~_^

* * *

It was fear, hope, abandonment, and jaded delusions. It was desperation, need, desire and want. It was everything that had been building up in Squall Leonhart over the course of his lifetime.

It was freedom and independence but most of all, it was an unbroken bond. It had been fractured by action and circumstance, but never broken. It spoke to him in the silence of the evenings like Siren's sweet melody which beckoned to him in the dark. It was every emotion in his heart that had been repressed by will and training.

But that was then and this was _now_.

It was the only thing his mind could process. It defied all rational logic. He didn't givef a damn about reason. This was what he wanted, to hell with the consequence (this was a fallacy, he knew, but he wanted to live momentarily for that belief). He had listened to orders and accepted assignments without hesitation or question. But this had now become his mission, his personal mission. It may not succeed; he expected as much. This was his life after all and nothing was scripted in ink but merely sketched in pencil. If he were to fail, then this would be _his_ failure. Not theirs. Not SeeD's. Not Garden's. His.

He had to _know_. He had to take that fucking chance in his life. His choice. His life.

It had been raining, but that proved nothing more than an annoyance. It wasn't as if whatever power that may be would make this easy. This was the only way it could be written.

He had made it to her address after the train stopped at its destination. He had only reached the industrial end of Timber, but logic told him to continue follow the tracks until he reached town. Now in the shadows and hidden from the streetlamps he stared at the building. It was so beautiful. It was a place that he would have passed by without so much as a glance if he hadn't known the resident. Red brick, two stories, and simply perfect - it was house, _a home;_ something that had escaped his grasp for so long. Garden was his home in some aspects, but never quite like he imagined the definition.

He smiled for her, for all that she had become. He remembered that beautiful girl who caught his eye underneath a springtime star. Now she was living the summer of her years, not as teenager, but as a woman. Rinoa was beautiful, independent, and had a spirit that could not be captured nor ever duplicated.

That statement was biased, he knew, yet time had made all her imperfections seem less flawed. He understood that some would always be there; he never doubted that she wasn't perfect. Still, he had known what his life had been since she left. Perfect and perfection were only ideals and sometimes reality was beautiful because of its flaws, not in spite of them. She was always perfectly Rinoa Heartilly and now he truly understood that.

Back _then,_ her idiosyncrasies bothered him, now he recalled them with a newfound appreciation. The old adage was true; absence does make the heart grow fonder. It was cliché but he had never thought a sentiment to be such a truth. Yet the fact was she was perfect in her own way - she was perfect for him. It just took stubbornness, deceit, and the trajectory of a bullet to make him realize this.

He knew that the proceeding minutes would change the course of his life forever. Actually since he first took the first step out of the van, he knew nothing would ever be the same. Now he would find out if it had been worth the risk. It had to be, either way. Whether rejected or accepted, he had done what his heart was telling him to do. He had done what he wanted for once in his life and nobody Cid, Garden, or even Rinoa's rejection could take that feeling away from him.

Freedom.

He wouldn't entirely give up his mission, but he also wouldn't give up the chance with her. It may have been an entirely selfish reason, and entirely not like him, but for once in his life, he was going to put something over the needs of Garden.

Reaching her townhouse, he wondered how to take the next steps. How do you casually say, "Surprise Rinoa, I'm not really dead." It was neither the easiest of conversation starters, nor the most explainable. He would have to approach this with as much ingenuity and cunning as any SeeD mission, although there was nothing typical about this.

At least the technical aspect of this 'mission' was simpler than the moral one. Schematically, it was easiest to enter her home from the rear. The small alley behind was more than adequate cover though he made a mental note to talk to her later about this. A few more security precautions never hurt anyone in his opinion, that is, if they would be on speaking terms after tonight. It was odd how quickly his mindset had fallen back into that of knight, a place where both her safety and security prevailed. Maybe it was the SeeD in him or the distrust of most humanity in general, but something in him felt the innate need to suddenly protect her again. Was this a good sign, or was he just setting himself up for another fall?

With a motion light attached the garage, a somewhat effective deterrent on her part; he believed it easier to gain access through a second story window. It might have been more trouble than the normal intruder would go through but again, these were far from typical circumstances. It only took a few short maneuvers before he was atop the garage. Once there he was surprised to notice an enclosed garden area. It was a square courtyard, equivalent to the size of bedroom, but it defiantly added an easier, and stealthier, entry point.

He nearly slipped from the combination of the roof's materials and the rainwater flowing into the downpours. Steadying his footing on a secured gutter, he finally made it to a point where he could make his way to the ground. Now standing flush against the wall, he could see into her house – _her house_. It was an odd and thrilling realization. He had never been here, but had pictured the possibilities often his mind - honestly more than he should have. When he started to feel this way, he would convince himself that she would not want to him to be stuck in the past. She wanted him to learn from his mistakes and move forward, she had openly said as much at Selphie's wedding. So he did.

Still, the human mind was always curious and his was no exception. He had mentally pictured her place, but somehow nothing prepared him for seeing it with his own eyes. His first hunches had been right; her decorations rested on the side of traditional as opposed to himself, whose rather modern motif was hurriedly thrown together randomly from a catalog. Not her. She was elegant yet sentimental. It was difficult to digest that he was really here and this was not just another daydream about impossibilities.

Somehow Squall knew she was at home, call it sense, call it their bond, or call it based on logical assumption. There was a newfound anxiety in him that he hadn't felt in ages. And even in the past, anytime he felt this way she was usually the root cause. His eyes fixated on the living room as his mind raced to take in every detail into memory.

And then…he saw her.

She had emerged into view from another room. He wouldn't say the sight was reminiscent of that shooting star, as that wouldn't be a correct analogy, but somehow, he knew that the night of the dance and _this very moment_, were both occasions that would forever replay in his mind. It was more like watching a movie silently from the darkened theater. The soft light was suddenly making the room project onto the screen in a kaleidoscope of forgotten emotions. And here he was in the role of errant knight alone in the dark, sitting in the seats, and helplessly watching the action play out before him. It was all Squall could do to convince himself that he wasn't a bystander in his own life and he had the power to command his own actions.

The rain no longer registered against his skin as everything within him, everything he had become, was focused solely on her movement. He became mesmerized in the simple action of Rinoa freeing her hair from the constraints of a ponytail. Squall suddenly recalled how she could not sleep with it tied back; it always had to be free. Why had he not remembered this fact until now? He had sworn earlier that he could remember every detail, but upon facing her, he realized could recall hardly a thing.

His heart edged him forward, forgoing the shadows as he silently watched her cross the room. It was real, right? He was going to gather the strength to follow through. His mind was not his own; he was lost and desperately wanted to be found. If this feeling was from the bond, he could not say, but it felt way beyond any normal need. Something was guiding him to her, and in a way, it always had been.

As she turned off the light, he took a step forward, accidently catching his foot on a rod iron chair. So much for that SeeD intuition, he sarcastically thought. Leave him to his own devices and he was as clumsy as a drunken Grendel. It was with that misstep that her eyes focused outside, aware of his carelessness. Their eyes met; at least, he _thought _they did as his body shivered a response. Did she know? Could she tell?

His ability to breathe was severely halted and for the first time in days, he could feel the pain of his chest wound throbbing. God, Rinoa had to have known as she moved forward, never breaking her line of sight. He was numb, he couldn't move. This moment was the accumulation of years of self-doubt and denial being brought painfully to the surface. If she knew it was him outside, she betrayed no undue emotion. He could not read her face and that scared the hell out of him. Frozen, silent, and emotionally exposed, he stood alone. The rain fell into rhythmic patterns on the ground below but he remained a statue in her presence.

Then it happened – she said his name.

He did not hear, but he could only feel it. He could hear her hushed voice whispering in his mind. He nodded - because it was the only movement he was capable of doing. Her fingers trembled as she opened the sliding glass door, and in that moment, he wanted so greatly to run. But Squall Leonhart would never run, not like this. It wasn't him, it wasn't in his nature. He may have felt the overwhelming need but he could never follow through. Right now, he couldn't even move his feet even if he willed it.

She was different than he remembered, but in some aspects, completely the same. It was hard to explain and even more impossible to describe. She was so much older, but still carried the spirit of youthfulness. It had only been three months since they had seen each other in Balamb, only a few months since he awkwardly lay in the room next to her in the hotel. He never slept that night, only fighting a hopeless battle within himself. He had to let her move on, he knew it that night. She was better off without him; she always probably would have been…

But then, one bullet changed everything.

With one act of fate, he had listened to her deepest confessions. He had heard her words at the funeral, words meant _for_ him but never _to_ him in that way_. It wasn't too late… it wasn't too late. It just couldn't be. Not now, they were so close._ She had admitted her feelings just over a week before. She had worn her emotions on her sleeve and given her heart to him. Again. And thanks to some cowardly assailant, he was given this second chance at life, at her, _at them_.

She said his name a second time and it was most beautiful but terrifying thing he had ever heard. He nodded again, still unable to do anything else in that moment. She smiled. God, she smiled. He had never seen something as serene or heavenly throughout his entire life. It was beauty in its purest form.

"You're dead." Her voice was barely audible over the sheets of rain.

Her response surprised him. She seemed so emotionless about it. He honestly feared for the worst at that moment; her usual demeanor replaced with something else entirely. And in that second, he wondered if he knew her, knew her at all. Was this reunion some fantasy he had created in his mind? It wouldn't have been the first time, and now, he greatly suspected it would no longer be the last.

And then she laughed.

In the whole time since he boarded the train, he never pictured her laughing at him. He had to say something, say something to make her doubts, his doubts, subside. He wanted to tell her everything, everything in his heart from the minute she left to the minute the bullet tore into his chest. Yet all he could manage was a simple phrase. But maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to renew a broken promise. Just maybe, she would understand where nobody else could…

"I'm here."

Right then, everything just felt different. In his mind, he had been given that second chance to make the right choice. Three years ago on the evening she left, after he stood bitterly alone on platform, he again found himself in the shadows. Turning to watch her board a train, he was not going to call her bluff. She wouldn't leave him. He refused to play that game.

Of course, now he understood her actions were not a game. They never were… That night, he could have returned to the platform and asked her to stay. He could have been more convincing in his argument, which there was none or, goddamn it, he could have just apologized for his spiteful words. He didn't. He had asked her not to go and that was all he would do. He would not beg or plead, but now he also knew that he never truly fought. Maybe he had given up on himself and their relationship long before that night.

Now the only thing he could do was stand before her and ask for forgiveness. He had committed his sins and now he would live with the consequences.

Briefly, her face showed the slightest bit of recognition before returning to its previous state.

"Yeah, okay," she said, taking a few steps into the courtyard, still with a tinge of humor to her voice, "You're here."

He stood in disbelief as he watched the rainwater make its own natural path down her body. She seemed so small, so beautiful, and so…lost? It had never occurred to him that she may have been going through such deep emotional turmoil that her own sense of reality was skewed. It was far beyond anything he had seen in her; it was a desperation of needing to be saved from herself. He knew this feeling. He knew it too well.

"You're here," she repeated again as she managed to suppress her laughter, yet her voice and words were insincere, as if she knew somehow that he was an illusion.

Silently, he stood watching her. He wanted to say something, to shout out the truth. But he couldn't. All he could do was just stand there; her reaction had truly thrown him off. He had expected hatred, betrayal, even disbelief, but humor? That was something that was completely unexpected and on some levels scared the hell out of him.

"Okay," she nodded as if accepting the fate of her delusions.

For her part, Rinoa was positive that she had lost her mind. She was at that point where both heart and soul wanted to accept the fantasy but her mind found the idea utterly ridiculous. So when she was drained of every other emotion, the only thing that remained was laughter.

Standing in the rain, her entire body ached, her heel still in pain, and her sense of reality was completely lost. Still, in that one moment, she _wanted_ to believe. She would deal with the consequences later; she just wanted this so badly to be real.

So with acceptance in her madness, Rinoa ran forward, crashing into his chest. Part of her thinking she would continue through this imagined figure, but his body was undeniably corporal and the two entities met under a torrent of rain.

He definitely had not expected this response or completely understood her actions, but he would be damned if after three years he wouldn't seize this opportunity. Even if this moment was stolen to some degree, it was something that his own desires could not pass up. His arms closed around her; it was in an almost involuntary response.

He never thought, just _accepted_.

To feel her weight against his body was like having his entire breath returned after living under a horrendous weight. Any doubt of his decision to come to Timber faded away with one simple touch. Hers. His fingers ran though her damp hair and he listened to the sound of her hurried breathing. The top of her head rested on his shoulder and he could feel her body shivering to his touch.

It was all she could do to look him in the eyes. He had to be real. Even in the dim lighting, his eyes showed off all their specs of color, blue, brown, and every hue in between. They were filled with life; the very thing he had been denied a few weeks ago.

Not even in his wildest dreams did he believe he would ever have this moment again. He looked down at her, wondering when this would end. It always did. In his dreams, this is where he would wake up. Not always by himself, but always alone. Her eyes looked up at him with equal intensity and he could feel himself giving into desire. It was like they were seventeen again, standing alone on Garden's balcony.

Their lips met and all the emotion and passion began to resurface. Squall would have never imagined this reaction. It almost wrote itself as the perfect fairytale and therein laid the problem; it was _too _perfect. Never in his life had anything been handed to him so easily. He had to talk to her, really talk to her. The laughing, the reaction, the kissing – it was all too surreal. And as much as he hated himself for the next action, it was the only logical choice his mind allowed. Though, goddamn it, his body wanted something entirely different.

He forced himself to break away, a little slower than he should have. Just a few more seconds, _a few more_… it may never be this way again.

"Rinoa, stop," he breathed in between hurried kisses, "Please, I can't."

She pulled away, hesitantly looking at him with the same intensity that her touch had been. Yet he couldn't let her go completely. Not now. He held onto her, not with the same tight embrace from before, but loosely allowing some room between them.

She chuckled softly, covering her nose and mouth with her hands. In some way, her action was reminiscent of praying. And maybe, just maybe, she was - praying to regain her sanity before she entirely snapped from this reality.

"Of course you can't. I can't even do this right. Fine, go ahead and tell me," she said, waving her hand dismissively.

"What?" His heart immediately knew it was true, this wasn't right. "What, Rinoa, what do you want me to tell you?"

"God, do I have to spell everything out?" She said angrily, freeing herself from his grasp. "You're supposed to tell me that I need to let this go, that I'll be fine, that you don't want me putting myself through this, and to stop feeling guilty. You know, _Squall,_ the odd thing is everybody and their brother has been telling this for a week. Seems to me my own damn hallucination would at least have something unique to say."

She threw her hands up in exasperation, "I don't know, Squall, maybe you could try something like: you're free from our whole sorceress/knight bond thing. Even though I'm gone, I want you to be happy."

He drew in a deep breath. He understood everything now. She wasn't kissing him; she was kissing a ghost. His body was numb. This, _this_ is what he had done to her. This is what Garden's betrayal had done. He despised himself and Garden. In command, he stood back and by proxy, he had let all this happen. Not only to her, but to everyone he ever cared about. He willing went along with the deception, maybe for him there could be no forgiveness.

"Rinoa, look at me," he spoke firmly, placing one hand on either shoulder. "I didn't die, it was all staged. This whole thing was a fucking lie. One of Garden's less brilliant ideas… Rinoa, I can't even begin-"

"You weren't really shot?" she interrupted.

He was unable to decipher any emotion off the question - resentment or otherwise. Her newfound indifference was again surprising; she seemed to be cycling through then entire emotional gambit.

"No, I didn't mean that part. That was very, very real. After I woke up from surgery, Cid informed me of Garden's plan. It was already in motion, I had no choice."

No, Squall wasn't going to do that. He wasn't going start this chance off with a lie and that was exactly what he was doing.

"Wait, that's not entirely true… Rinoa, I didn't have a choice in the beginning, but I could have stopped it later. I just didn't. Their idea may have been fucked up, and their execution completely asinine, but their reasons were valid."

He noticed that her eyes no longer looked at him but stared intently at the ground. He barely could hear the single word she uttered, "Zell?"

Squall instantly felt a pang of guilt with the mention of his friend's name. He had left him without so much as a word or even a simple note. But if anything, the martial artist was resourceful. He would piece together the puzzle and the commander fully expected Zell to make an appearance. The knight would apologize for his behavior then, but not for his actions. He even believed that Zell would come to understand. Again, he may not appreciate Squall's methods, but hopefully he would learn to accept reasons.

Squall's voice softened. Before it had been firm, yet now, the residual guilt started to gnaw at it.

"Zell, is fine… he pretty much has been since the beginning of the mission, annoying as hell, but perfectly fine."

It felt like the fog she had been living under was slowly starting to lift. However, if that fact was for the better, she didn't know. It was a combination of her earlier brash reaction mixed with anger and betrayal. All the pain of the years came flooding back as she saw clearly for the first time today. They weren't meant to be her first words, but rage was the first emotion she could articulate. She pounded her hand into his chest, unable to control her resentment.

"I hate you! I hate you," she gasped in anger, each time the tone of her words decreasing in its forcefulness. _"I hate you..." _her voice trailed.

She didn't hate him, she never could, but it was a baser response to the emotion.

"I know, I know."

Squall didn't seem fazed by her words. He much preferred this anger to the earlier reaction. This was a real and genuine response. So he just allowed her to break down, to take out years of the bottled emotions on him. He deserved this; he deserved all of this. The fact was he hated himself too.

Somewhere in the middle of her tirade, he managed to pull her back to his chest, wrapping his arms around her. She didn't resist his embrace. He didn't know if she even physically, or mentally, had the strength to protest. She leaned on him for support but he knew the action was only a physical necessity. Now all he could do, _and wanted to do_, was just hold her as the rain pounded on both of them. He didn't know what reaction he would get once she sobered to the truth, so he just bathed in the warmth of her body.

"Oh God," she sobbed between ragged breaths, "I-I don't want to wake up... please don't wake me."

"You're not asleep. I promise."

"There were times I just didn't want to go on… Tonight for a moment out there, I didn't want to live."

Rinoa had no idea why she confessed that secret to him. After three years, after all the anger and betrayal, she wanted to say so much more. Yet, she didn't.

"Rinoa, you want to live."

His tone remained calm, although her words scared him. He had never heard her speak about death. She had always been the epitome of life and he had taken all that away from her with one hurtful act.

"I just…nothing made sense. I felt like a part of-" Rinoa stopped herself; she couldn't admit that to him. There was so much he needed to explain, the lies, the pain...the funeral. He was dead. The entire population of Garden was in mourning, his friends, his family, and her.

It was as if all the stages of grief were presenting themselves during the last few minutes – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, although Rinoa's mind had not fully comprehended that final stage.

"_I never stopped loving you."_

His heart was pleading him to say the words, but he just couldn't. He had lost her before and the only thing he could possibly offer now was to ease her pain. And again, as before, all he could do was mutter some hollow apology.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything."

He knew it would never be enough to erase his actions, but it was a start.

 

 

 


	11. If Wishes were Horses, Let He who is Without Sin…, and It's Only a Paper Moon

** _Chapter Thirty-One: If Wishes were Horses_ **

As her surroundings faded into the background, all she could do was to focus on the person standing before her. Rinoa looked up at him and all she saw was a changed man, which made this moment even more bittersweet. She didn't _know him_, but she desperately wanted to _remember him_.

His apology was sincere and heartfelt, something that contradicted many of her memories. Sometimes it was easier to remember the negative, as the positive was too painful to bear. The simplicity of it had honestly had thrown her off. No lavish statements, no excuses…just open sincerity. In her life, being told 'sorry' by someone was usually a rather empty and prosaic response. It was said so often in Rinoa's life that its meaning had lost all value, this past week serving as the perfect example.

Everyone was sorry.

_Everyone._

But to hear it spoken from a man who usually apologized for nothing, whose mere nature was trained for just the opposite… well, that truly caught her off guard.

"I-I can't… this is…" Rinoa began, suddenly losing all ability to verbalize her thoughts, "this… this is so… I need to sit."

Her mind had not registered the fact that he was still touching her, as her skin was too numb from both the elements and the shock. Forcing herself to move forward, her body began to tremble uncontrollably; it was a mixture of weakness and the dampness shrouding her. It took all of her physical strength just to make her way to a nearby chair. Wrapping her hand around its iron arm, her body begged for the support that her legs could no longer offer.

"Rinoa you're soaked. You need to get inside, we can talk there," Squall said, helplessly watching from the sidelines.

He wanted to reach out, to be there for her, hell, to carry her inside and never let her go, but patience and restraint were his best allies right now. He had to allow her the time to let the truth digest. No matter what the outcome would be, he would calmly wait. The weather had let up temporarily, but he knew this momentary peace wouldn't last – in both the rain and her disposition.

"No," she shot back firmly.

He couldn't gage that response. It was so definite and forceful; a stark contrast to Rinoa's rather disheveled appearance. She looked up at him and he tried to read her expression but all he could see were shadowed lashes. Her eyes were lost under the veil of darkness. There was a subtle mysterious air about her demeanor, as time and maturity had run its natural course. It both intrigued and frightened him. He desperately tried not to cast doubt on his decision, but it became increasingly difficult. She was no longer the same person who left Garden three years ago…

Maybe Zell was right and he had blown what little chance that had been offered. Squall was never the type to allow his impulsive personality get him into trouble. This fact only served as a bitter irony. Still, he had to hold out hope. _Hope_ is what brought him to her doorstep and that is why he would stay – come both hell and high water.

As for Rinoa, she had never meant to answer him so abruptly, but she found the reply had escaped her lips of its own free will. It was almost automatic – a defensive responsive in a pitiful attempt to avoid emotion repercussions. Ha – what a fucking joke. Even after only a few moments in his presence, she was already being pulled back into an emotional tempest, one she had tried escaping every day over the last years.

Damn him.

So the only thing she could manage to say was a monosyllabic and abrupt response. Her mind screamed, demanding answers, but she would have to be patient. Her heart too would have to wait its turn for answers, but somehow, its questions were extremely contrary of those belonging to her mind. It was another case of logic versus emotion; a war Rinoa had been fighting since her childhood.

Still, in this moment, in this battle, the facts were simple; she couldn't do this. Hell, she couldn't begin to guess how she was currently face to face with a 'dead man.' These weeks, _years_, had been an emotional maelstrom and right now her sanity was quickly drowning in its wake.

If there was something she believed in since childhood, it was that fairytales were fallacies, genies and wishes were merely imaginary, and that nobody was ever granted a happy ending, especially her.

Outwardly, she sat in silence. Inwardly the sound of her own breath echoed loudly in her mind. It was as if both ears were plugged and a single gasp resounded in her head. It was a dream. It was a nightmare. And as of this moment, it was very much real.

He was alive.

It was with that simple revelation that her world started making a little, no, a _very little_ bit of sense. There was one thing that jumped in the forethought of her mind and she had to ask, she had to _know_. It was a simple question, but one she desperately needed to know the answer to…

"Why?" her voice rasped out, her tone suggesting that it wasn't so much of a question, but a plea instead.

He stood there, slightly dazed. Maybe he shouldn't have been that surprised, but something inside of him felt the innate urge to retreat. It was his nature to withdraw, never on the battlefield, but into his own shell.

"It was Garden's idea." he began to answer. "They thought if-"

"-No, that's not what I meant." Her words cut him off sharply and her tone reflected the irritation. With a deep pause, she found her voice and once again, she prodded him with a, "Why?"

"_No excuses, **not** this time,"_ he mentally berated himself.

Enough had already been lost. It was a question that she had posed to him three years ago. Today, however, it wasn't meant in exactly the same context, but the answer was equally as important.

Back then, he never gave her one – he honestly had none to give, or at least no answer that he would admit or even understand back then. There was also one thing Squall had believed since childhood it was that juvenile promises are often made in good faith, but fulfilling those promises wasn't as easy – will and fate usually had conflicting goals.

The fact was that he knew what she had meant. He knew it from the second the word had been spoken. Her question wasn't about semantics, politics, or missions. It never was, but it was easier for him to speak of the tangible rather than the abstract. Sometimes, facing the truth was still painful. His mind had dealt with it, but his heart had always refused - at least, completely. There were too many 'whys' to even count, but he would damn well try.

_Why _did he push away the one person who meant the most to him?

_Why_ did he show up on her doorstep after three years, wanting forgiveness?

_Why_ did he wait until he was presumed dead to try to start living again?

_Why_ not fight earlier if something was truly worth fighting for?

And _why, why,_ did he ever turn her greatest fear back on her without any outward signs of remorse?

He could never erase the past, but he could try to explain to the best of his abilities. In reality there would be no perfect words or explanations, but anything was better than the cowardly silence he had offered her over the years.

"I ask myself that every day," his voice cracked as he bent down to meet her gaze, "I wish I could give you an answer that makes everything better. I can't. And honestly, I'm not sure I ever can."

He forced himself not to utter the phrase, 'It wasn't you. It was me.' Because even he knew that line was just as clichéd as, 'I just want to be friends.' The problem was he really felt it was him, or his fears in this case, but trying to articulate that fact tactfully was another thing.

She had to admit, his honesty was refreshing. Of course, it offered no reason or solace, but at least he didn't try to wrap up his delusions in a sparkling package or a pretty bow. It was never something that could be forgotten. The memories would always haunt him and it would never be like it was before. He needed learn to live with his demons, not deny them.

He was surprised how easy it was to get lost in her eyes again. The lack of light offered no detail, but he could see them. He knew them; he had learned to see them in his heart. At least she allowed him this chance right now.

Their eye contact never faded as he continued, "Numbers, percentages, therapy, doctors, medicine… I could list everything and I'd still be telling you nothing. In the end it all comes down to one common factor: me. I don't know what words I could say to you or even how to begin. All I can say it's been… well, it's been a long trip to get to this point."

"In time," she murmured more to herself than to him.

Rinoa's phrasing baffled him. He so sorely wanted to question the response. Did that mean there _was a time_ for them in the future or was he reading too much into that comment? It wasn't like him to jump to conclusions, but then again, this was unchartered territory.

Again, for her part, the response had been nothing more than automatic. Rinoa hadn't thought, just spoken and whether that was good or bad remained to be determined. She awkwardly glanced away, realizing her faux pas, but how much of that answer had been her heart just wanting to be heard? With her head turned, she tried to fathom even a fraction of what was happening.

There was something familiar about this, not the situation in and of itself, but him trying to break down nearly indestructible walls. In some parallels, she equated his lack of response about his condition to their initial encounters years ago. Maybe the fears were one in the same, both very much different in nature, but linked to a common root. Maybe it was optimistic, but he had overcome so much before… he had truly traveled quite a distance to get to this point in life.

In all honesty, how much could she pressure him right now? It quickly dawned on her that her emotions and actions were no less complex. What was her first reaction to seeing him, bar the thought that she was possibly seeing some sort of hallucination?

It was to run into his arms and to kiss him passionately.

She couldn't exactly overlook that annoying fact. There was no right or wrong in that moment. It was just survival, or in her case, emotional survival. The mind was complicated and people found different ways of coping, just as they had done for centuries. They were no exception to the rules of human nature.

He remained silent, giving her time. She was thankful. There were so many memories rushing through her head, from childhood to the moment she walked away from Garden. She knew their problems were not one-sided, even as much as he would like to blame himself completely. She had not been innocent, nor did she pretend to be. Even in their relationship, she had pushed boundaries, some which should have never been tested.

This wasn't the time to judge him on his demons; she had unfortunately had already been doing that for years. Now it was just the time to understand the present. Five minutes ago, he was nothing but a ghost, now he was kneeling before her, asking for something… forgiveness, redemption, or maybe just some form of understanding?

She needed to know how he got to this point… how did he get to her doorstep?

"So, it was all staged."

Unfortunately, her question didn't come out as such, more like a disgusted statement. Even to herself, she had sounded upset. She really wasn't, just confused.

"Basically the funeral at least," he replied.

Rinoa still avoided looking at him and he fully understood why. He could barely look at himself these days. Again, all he could see was what the streetlamps allowed through the shadows. He exhaled, contemplating just how much information to share. It wasn't that he wanted to keep things secret; he just knew that she needed a basic outline – the finer details could be filled in later…at least he prayed there would be a 'later.'

"I did go to Dollet on security detail with Balamb's reps. Once they were inside and the conference was in session, Zell and I headed to lunch. I was just standing there and then… God, the whole thing was so damn cowardly. It was so different than I thought. I can't describe it – just a morbid blend of pain and peace. I'd already accepted the fact but… I never thought it would quite end that way… or well,_ almost_ end. It wasn't as if I hadn't thought about it, I probably obsessed over death way far more than I should, but given my job… I just thought it would be…"

"In battle?" she finished his statement. She didn't know why she did, it was just instinctual. It also broke that last bit of resolve and she found herself turning back to look at him. Maybe her subconscious needed to verify that he _really_ was there.

When she looked into his eyes, it was a fight against her will though she knew that her resolve was already wavering. When they were in a relationship, he never talked about death, at least, not in any great extent beyond some offhanded comment. Up until now, she only knew his uncertainty based on the waiting room in Galbadia. It was the only time when she saw him uncharacteristically lose his temper.

"_Well,_ _not the only time_," she corrected.

Maybe that outburst had been a red flag foreshadowing the events of the future. Sadly, nobody paid attention, because quite simply, the hero doesn't fail – and nobody writes a fairytale like that anyway.

"Yeah," he shrugged.

There was no reason to deny his fear; it was almost a relief that she understood. God he missed that. Nobody understood him, the person he truly was, or even tried. They knew the mask he wore, but never the man behind it. Therapists were not friends; it was their job to understand him, not by choice but by paycheck. Rinoa honestly wanted to know exactly who he was; she always did, even when he didn't want to be known.

There he stood, confessing his sins to an angel. There may be no salvation at the end, but at least there would be honesty. However, not even his doctors had talked to him about this or at least from what he could recall.

"In battle, it was like I was always fighting a reason, good or bad, paid or not. It was still with purpose and I could accept that, but this… _A chance_, I suppose, that's what that bastard took from me. All I ask for in battle is a_ chance _to either succeed or fail. Either way, it would be by my own doing."

It shouldn't bother her that he seemed so emotionally vulnerable… or maybe that was only her emotions reflecting onto her perceptions. She didn't want to feel this way; she wanted to feel the anger, to feel some of the resentment that had been building over the years. Rinoa Heartilly would be damned if she would allow him to waltz right in here and without explanation make her feel… well, exactly what she was fighting against right now.

She needed to change the topic. Her mouth dried when she tried to find her voice, "Who knows about this?"

For a brief moment, she couldn't help feeling the slightest bit betrayed by her friends. That is if they had known about this charade. When does somebody draw the line at following orders rather than to be a shoulder to cry on?

And worst of all, was the fact she had _told_ them. She told them the secret that she had sworn to protect. Now, by this act of fate, she had once again turned from role of victim to the role of betrayer. It wasn't deliberate, but she knew that Quistis and Selphie would look at Squall in a different light. She was the one solely responsible for that fact and he would never forgive her. She had promised – not to him directly, but to Cid right before she left and now she had broken that trust.

"_Who knows about this?"_ He bit back a bitter laugh. The question was semantics. He honestly didn't know how many people knew about his 'AWOL' status. That detail was up in the air. Hell, for all he knew, Zell could still be asleep, clueless in the van. He really hoped that he was; he didn't want to think about the consequences of tomorrow…not now, not tonight. He also knew that wasn't what Rinoa meant; her question was in reference to his overall mission.

"A select few know I'm not dead: Cid, Zell, Dr. Kadowaki, and a small number of medical staff in Dollet, though I'm sure that Garden's already pulled the reigns in on them."

"So the lie really was to everybody?" Rinoa wondered if she sounded relieved or mad, honestly it was a mixture of both.

"Yes, it was." He pushed his bangs from his face. The rain water was becoming more of an annoyance than a discomfort. He really wanted her to go inside, but he knew that bringing it up again would be futile.

"You paused," she whispered, trying to understand – there was an underlying meaning in his answer and she needed to know.

"What?"

"A second ago, you paused when I asked who knew you. Why?"

Even after all this time, he couldn't hide from her. He wanted to smile, but it wasn't the time for that. Then again, he had never been known for sense of timing. He couldn't help it. It was odd and rare and possibly more a sign of nervous relief, but the smallest of a smile formed on his lips.

"Because Rinoa, I don't know who knows I'm _here_."

She placed her hand to her mouth in shock. She had never pictured him going against an order and that was exactly what he had implied. In their past, he might have 'bent' the rules in some cases, especially regarding her, but he had never outright defied Balamb Garden. Esthar, her father, Martine, and various other authority figures, yes, but he never directly outright defied Cid Kramer.

"Squall," she softly said, closing her eyes briefly.

She had no other response. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't sound forced or jaded. She wanted so badly to believe that this was real and to accept his words for the truth. Still, it was almost too perfect. She couldn't let herself go through this pain again.

"I had to..." he tried to explain, but simply couldn't. He never finished his statement.

Finally, he gave into the tiredness his body was feeling and collapsed onto his own weight, placing his knees on the ground. He ignored the rain, the soreness, and the overall uncomfortable sensations tearing at his body. His discomfort was irrelevant.

His resolve was starting to falter; it was now or never. He needed to tell her how he listened to her at the funeral, how he had heard her words. It was those words that gave him hope, the words that lead him here. Taking a deep breath, he tried to regain that earlier rush of adrenaline that kept him pushing forward.

"The funeral, Rinoa… That was when everything changed."

"Squall," she repeated, spoken as a form of encouragement this time. The difference in her voice was subtle, but he knew her meaning well.

To an onlooker, the scene may have been reminiscent of a man praying or begging forgiveness. The commander may have been on his knees, but that was only due to the weakened state of his body. He would never beg her, that wasn't his nature, but he did have so much he needed to confess.

"I didn't think you would come..." His words were unsteady; it was still hard to admit such things. "I saw you there... and somehow it changed everything. I didn't like lying to the others…but to you… I couldn't, not again. Even in _death _I found a way to keep hurting you and that was never my intention, you have to believe that. It nearly killed me to see you that way... At one point, Zell was forced to physically restrain me from showing up at my own funeral."

"Why did you think I wouldn't come?" she choked out. Did he honestly believe that? That simple fact bothered her more than she could possibly fathom.

"Because I hurt you." His answer was brief and direct.

Hers was equally as so. "Yes, you did."

He looked away, eyes downcast to the pavement. He seemed so vulnerable, something she wished to god he didn't. Within her own weakness, she did the one thing she had mentally sworn to herself she wouldn't allow herself to do – her hand trembled as she reached forward.

For a second, her fingertips hesitated on his brow. With his face damp from the rain, it felt so comfortable and strangely taboo. Now she too found herself with the tiniest hint of a smile on her face. She had held on to this grudge for long enough. Maybe she was wrong, they could be friends. Maybe in some ways, they each needed that foundation to be able to move forward with their separate lives…

After all this time, maybe it wasn't _goodbye_ that needed to be said, but only, 'I'm glad to have known you.'

"Squall… of course I would be there. You were always important to me and you always will be. I never wanted it to end it like this…ever." Her voice hesitated. The fact was, she never wanted to end at all, but that was only a pipedream.

He had felt the electricity of her touch. Whether she knew the effects she had on him or not, he didn't know. He could have stayed liked this forever, simply in a perpetual state of unknowing, in a place that she still wasn't rejecting him, at least not fully. Here, at this moment, she was close and accepting. God, did he ever need that, he needed to feel this way again; he had felt so empty for so long.

This couldn't last, he knew. She would tell him to leave, to go back to Garden and his 'mission,' no matter how loosely he defined it. The problem was he didn't come all this way to merely exist through life. He knew he could never return, at least, not back to the complacency he had grown to accept.

Garden may forgive him for leaving his mission, hell, he knew they would and that was the problem. They didn't want Squall Leonhart, just his persona. There would be a small reprimand, but if he had been just another SeeD, it would have meant immediate dismissal. The fact that the rules didn't apply to him wasn't necessarily a good thing.

This was his one chance with her. It was now or never; he had to tell the truth no matter how painful.

"Rinoa, I heard you."

"Huh?"

His eyes moved from the pavement to her, in one last desperate attempt to look at her just a minute longer

"I didn't come all this way to turn back now. You need to know why I'm here, why I'm _really_ here…"

It suddenly felt like he had slipped into a dreamlike state. Miraculously, he didn't feel any fear; it was as if he was outside of his body, hearing this conversation as a bystander. Of course, that was far from the truth, but in spite of that, he felt strangely calm. Maybe he knew what her reaction would be and in some sick way, it would be better to be rejected than to be in this eternal limbo.

"As I said, the part in Dollet was not set up. There really is a killer and apparently I was supposed to be the next victim… Some physiological bullshit said that there was a good chance whoever it was would show up at my funeral so… Cid had extra surveillance installed everywhere… it included having the casket wired."

"What are you talking about?" she began somewhat bewildered. The true meaning of his statement hadn't dawned on her, though she had a sinking sensation throughout.

Taking a deep breath, he leaned into the side of her hand which was still cradling his face. Just one last second…

"Rinoa, after the service you… said some things to me. I know you didn't think I'd actually hear you, but I did."

In the span of a heartbeat, she realized what he meant. She could recall talking to him, but for the life of her, she couldn't remember what she had said. It was an extremely emotional time and although she couldn't recall specifics, she could recall the general sentiments. He had heard her, heard how she felt and how she still felt every emotion that she had tried to repress or outright deny.

He heard her.

The sorceress could feel the anger rising. It wasn't his fault, but it felt like the ultimate invasion of privacy. The hand that had been resting on his cheek forcefully pushed his head away so he wasn't looking at her. She had not intended to push so hard, but then again, she made no attempt to be gentle.

"Go," she demanded.

With new resolve, she stood abruptly. She wanted to yell at him, to berate him for violating a sanctity – one between her and… well _him_, but a dead version of him. All right, that technically sounded ludicrous, even to her. Still, she doubted that he **had** to listen to everything - that was unless he was truly trying to rule her out as a suspect, which she highly doubted.

She started to walk away but she didn't know why. Yet, there was a tiny part of her that was almost relieved, as impossible as that was to admit, that her words had not gone in vain. Again, she couldn't exactly remember what she had said at his casket as she was a complete emotional disaster at the time. Not that she was the poster child for mental stability at the moment, far from it actually.

So why was she walking away?

Maybe because it was easier than to look him in the eyes and face up to her own confessions. She had only made it a few steps before she felt someone grabbing her arm. Truth be told, she was secretly thankful that he hadn't taken her advice.

On some subconscious level, maybe she was testing him, to see just how easily he would fold or how much he would fight. She hated herself for thinking that way; that sort of mental warfare didn't do a thing for her three years ago. She should have learned her damn lesson by now.

"No."

His answer was firm. Squall had not relinquished his grip and managed to spin her so they were facing one another. She had found herself close enough to the sliding glass door to lean her back on it for support. Now, she was pinned between the wet glass and the pressure of his body.

"Rinoa, look me in the eyes and tell me that you still don't love me... and then I'll go."

"Why, why are you doing this to me? Didn't you hurt me enough?" She couldn't help the tears that began to fall. Luckily, they were camouflaged in the rain, or at least she hoped. She swore he would never see her cry over him. Never again.

"I thought you were dead Squall... you were never meant to hear it."

"Rinoa that's not true. You were speaking to _me_. I had every right to hear it. The only difference is that I was still alive and then I knew there was a chance to save us."

"Squall there is no us. It's too late."

"Is it? Just give me one solid reason why we can't try again… It's never been easy, but it's always been worth it."

"Stop it!" The last thing she wanted to do was remember. "Just… why are you really here? Squall, tell me what you want."

"You, just you."

For the last three years, it felt like her entire existence had been spent running from him. From the lies, from the pain, and from the very work he cherished above all else. Now she was no longer running from him, but running from the vacant hollowness of her solitude.

Their lips met in a fiery passion, something unbridled, something once known. It was time to cast away all doubts and only live in the present. To feel his arms around her, to feel his body pressed tightly to hers. The rain continued to pour, but the two had become oblivious to that fact. It only enticed their need as the drops felt like a thousand tiny fingers embracing them all at once.

And then he knew…

Although he was standing next to a place he had never been in, in a town he rarely visited, Squall Leonhart was finally _home_.

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Two: Let He who is Without Sin…_ **

* * *

Zell sighed in irritation, looking down at the primeval technology that was the van's cassette player. Who in the world still had these archaic things in their vehicles? With all the advances in electronics and SeeD's ridiculous amounts of dispensable income, couldn't Garden at least install a CD player that originated in the last decade? To make the situation that much worse, the only tapes in the damn van appeared to be some sort of self-help bullshit.

In an almost desperate panic, Zell hit every button on the stereo trying to scan for some sort of a broadcast. Again, since this van was built before Galbadia had restored worldwide radio waves, it only had short range capabilities and nobody transmitted in this format anymore. He cursed yet another thing going wrong in this mission.

So in pure frustration, he grumbled, shoved the tape into the deck, and swore on the grave that Squall currently wasn't in – because after this little stunt, he would be in very soon. Zell inwardly winced when some two decade old synthesized instrumental theme reached his ears…

…Oh yes, this was going to be a long damned night.

"_You... you… **Yes you!** You have just embarked on the journey to a more rewarding existence. The key to a better life begins through the basics of communication. Now you will come to understand the most universal language ever 'spoken.' Yes, you… you are on your way to becoming a better person through the interpretation and the inspiration that is the language of your body!_

_Body language is a complex language spoken through a series of posture, gestures, and facial expressions."_

"Great, guess what gesture I'm giving you right now," Zell quipped, momentarily glaring at the radio.

When this mission ended, the martial artist was going to find Squall, tie him to the nearest chair, and then force him to listen to the entire series of these tapes. Oh yes, the commander would pay…

Only about thirty minutes had passed, but the hypnotic lines of the road coupled with the darkness of the night only amplified his exhaustion. At least when Squall was in the van, there had been someone else physically here with him - even if 'the large brooding mass' was just taking up space in the passenger seat, not speaking a single word.

Never had Zell believed that Squall would follow through with his earlier threat. A few days ago, they had gotten into blows over his leaving and honestly, the martial artist thought he had gotten through to his friend. He only hoped that Squall truly understood the consequences to his actions. This was not merely some emotional reaction based on some romantic belief of salvation. Then again, this was Squall – and a small part of him hoped for the fairytale ending for the commander's sake. Maybe, just maybe, the martial artist also had a hidden romantic streak in him.

Still, with every minute he traveled down the highway, he could feel the fatigue gaining hold. He needed to remain alert. Without Squall there to bother him, he was going use what imagination he had left at this godforsaken hour and pretend this was more than a one way conversation.

He hoped that talking to himself as two different parties was better than seeing the cheese Abyss Worm again… At least, that is the story he was going to tell Dr. Kadowaki at his next psychological evaluation. Then again, maybe she will never need to know about any of this, as it certainly may be construed as a huge red flag in his files.

Of course, the initial thought which popped into his mind was the absence, and subsequent reunion, of his two friends. He imagined it wouldn't go too smoothly, especially since this was not exactly light subjects being tread upon. So in tired desperation, he changed the intonation of his voice mimicking the two 'actors' starring in the play in his mind. His rendition of Rinoa was overdramatic and high, sounding nowhere close to the real thing, and Squall's was deeper and much more articulately precise.

"Look Rinoa, I'm alive."

"Yay! You're alive."

"Sorry I listened to you when you thought I was dead but I'm really alive - so it's okay."

"All is forgiven Squall because you're alive!"

"Also sorry about the girlfriend thing, but again, don't forget that _I'm alive_."

"Wait, does she know you're alive?"

"No, she does not know I'm alive."

"Well then, yay you're alive!"

Zell shook his head in disgust at the mock conversation. "What the hell am I doing? I need sleep. This can't be a good sign."

He would have to pull over for a few hours at least. That would be the responsible thing to do. Before dawn, he would start again, but he knew that if he continued driving down this road, his 'supposed comatose condition' just may become a reality.

* * *

It wasn't a dream.

…_not a dream._

…_not a dream._

Rinoa had to keep reminding herself of this fact no matter how much her brain tried to contradict itself. Squall too was going through something eerily similar but neither of them wanted to wake up if truly was just a dream. Right now, there were no demons, lies, or obstacles other than the strength of their own needs.

His hands pressed her closer, feeling every centimeter of her body upon his. The wet material only added to the sensation building from their desires. It was as if they had been given a second chance at love, but a second chance at life itself. In this moment, he felt alive. It was not only in the physical sense, but also in reclaimed emotions that had been buried so long ago.

Rinoa had neglected these sensations for so long; it was euphoric. Her fingers lightly traced his spine, before her nails instinctively pierced his shoulder blades. It wasn't painful, nor done in spite, it was something born from their fervor. A desire mixed of both love and lust, a need greater than either could ever fathom.

One of his hands had found its way into her hair, running dampened locks through his fingertips. Long strands clung wildly to both of their faces, fastened together by the effects of rain. Through their kiss neither spoke, each only concentrating on the exhilaration.

Water trailed its way down their bodies, mingling with the sweat induced by their passions. Squall broke away, acting as the aggressor between the two in their encounter. Rinoa's head leaned back as he softly trailed small kisses on the tender skin of her neck. It was a sensation almost indescribable; the raindrops tickled her face as his name softly escaped her lips.

Seemingly by their own accord, her hands moved down to his waist, reaching for the bottom of his cotton t-shirt. All sense of doubt was forgotten, as she used both hands to pull the soaked shirt over his head. They separated only long enough for the garment to be tossed hastily to the side. It was like an electrical current spreading through the conduits of their bodies, grounded only in each other.

He could focus on nothing more than her body, the way the thin material of her shirt pressed up to his bare chest. The moisture that normally would have agitated him only added to her sensuality. His balance shifted slightly as he brought his hand forward. It was an almost pathetic attempt to unfasten her shirt, his fingers slippery and the buttons coated with plastic.

While all his efforts concentrated on her shirt, she took the pause to look at his chest. It was then she happened to see his surgical scar for the first time. To know it was there was one thing, to see it was quite another. The wound was a mixture of violet and red hues, fastened together by darkened stitches. They were nearly identical, almost parallel to one another. She overlooked his current frustrations, though difficult, for long enough to be reminded just how close he had really come to death.

Strangely, she said nothing to him about his wound, at least not yet. Honestly, her horror was not exactly relevant at this moment. The sorceress could tell by sight alone that he had been healed with a mixture of both modern medicine and the casting of mid-level spells. Magic could only do so much; the rest was up to medical advances – and Garden was well equipped on both accounts. It was a luxury not afforded to the average citizen. And for once in her life, Rinoa was goddamn thankful that Squall was more than a mere civilian.

Her thoughts were quickly brushed away as she felt his fingers gripping at the sides of her shirt. In one expert motion, he lifted the shirt over her head; apparently, he had given up on following through with the buttons to their entirety. As their lips met again, she could feel his hand snake up her spine, slowly unfastening the clasp on her bra. His fingers seemed to linger on the small of her back, placing firm, direct pressure that somehow felt was quite sensual.

A gasp escaped her lips as he pulled her forward and somewhat forcefully brought her against his chest. It felt like a very calculated move, or at least it did to her. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing; the amount of time his hands held her undergarment in place seemed to intensify their encounter.

Even his kisses seemed to be filled with underlying meaning. It was as if each one was not only physical, but was rebuilding an emotional connection. In a parallel realm, both sorceress and knight were trying to rebuild bonds that had been severed.

In his embrace, she had lost all reason and somehow, no matter how wrong she told herself this was, her heart only screamed it was right. The closer she pressed to him, the more the once familiar sensations washed over her body. As moved slightly, she could feel the subtle traces of his wound against her bare skin. It felt different than the rest of his torso, ever-so-slightly, but it was a foreign texture unfamiliar to her memories. She wanted to ask him about it, wanted to make sure she wasn't hurting him. That she wasn't hurting him. Even after everything, she never wanted to cause him any pain. That was not who she was.

As their lips parted, he again began tracing a line of kisses from her neck to her collarbone, skillfully keeping her bra in place all the while. She wanted to urge him to let it go, as it only started to serve as an uncomfortable distraction. Yet again, maybe he was being calculating to some degree. He knew damn well what he was doing to her. Making her wait was only kindling the fire of her needs.

Then, in one sudden and authoritative motion, he released his hold on her bra and pushed her against the glass door. The garment slipped from her shoulders, the straps moving forward gently coming to rest on her upper arms. Still, this simple movement allowed her some freedoms. Now she could take control of at least that situation if she so desired.

However, Rinoa didn't have much time to ponder this fact as she felt a stark contrast on her back: her own body heat coupled with the cool sensation of the glass. She could not hide as her body shivered involuntarily, the difference was overpowering.

Squall could feel her shudder in his grasp. He quickly realized the unlikely situation they had inadvertently found themselves in. As much as he wanted, in which the word 'wanted' was truly an understatement, to remain standing there, he knew it wasn't the most rational of decisions.

It took all his willpower, but he had to stop this… tonight wasn't just about his needs no matter how much they wanted to control him.

"Please, you need to get inside from this rain… this can't be good for you."

She inwardly laughed at his unintentional statement. This was _good_ for her, but she not in the way he was meaning. Yet, in this moment, she didn't want to take the simple way out or the path most traveled, she wanted to know freedom again.

She looked up at him as the water continued to fall.

"All my life people have told me what is good for me and what I should do. Usually, I'd listen. I don't like confrontation. I wanted to make people happy, even at the expense of my own happiness… but not now, not tonight."

One of his hands was firmly at her waist and the other was cradling the back of her neck. She took that moment to bring both of hers to his shoulder blades, her fingertips resting on his back. Her bra was still tauntingly hanging off her forearms, teasingly rubbing against his bare torso.

"Squall, I don't want to go inside, not yet. I want to live in this moment. I want… no I _need _to feel alive again. Don't worry about what is best for me, just know that this is… this is a fantasy I never knew I had, but right now, I don't think I could live without knowing it."

Squall's heart raced with her words, it too was a fantasy he had never known, but one he now desperately sought. Rinoa took that moment to release him from her hold, only long enough to allow the material barrier to fall from her chest. He had to pause at the sight; it was like every fantasy that he had dreamed of before colliding with the one they were creating together.

During his earlier escapades of finding a way down from the roof, he had taken note of a lounger in the corner. Unlike the two rod iron chairs and small table, it seemed to remain in the background. Still, it would be a vast improvement over the current position, at least from a logistical standpoint.

The commander couldn't help the wry smile as he took her hand, leading her towards the lounger. Somehow, he figured they could manage it. He could have said that he had faced tougher challenges in his life, but there was nothing that could even remotely compare to his current situation. Rinoa silently watched as he pulled the lounger away from the wall. Then with his hand in hers, he led her around to the side. She took his lead, sitting down on the edge of the chair before looking up at the half-naked man before her. She smiled as their fingers were still intertwined and she softly urged him toward her.

As the weather still followed its own agenda, they were now going to be following theirs. She stretched out, ignoring how truly uncomfortable the soggy fabric felt on her back. In any other position, she would have thought this situation as nearly insane, awkward, and almost downright stupid.

Then again, he was the one to force her to watch the sunrise naked years ago and now they were creating yet another memory that would remain with them forever. He couldn't help but look down at her, although most of her features still veiled in the night. Still, over the last few minutes, his eyes had adjusted somewhat and details that he would have missed before were coming clearly into focus. He lost himself in her again, again relishing the carnal aggression of their kissing once more.

Desires and wants were slowly replacing restraint, as the two found themselves attempting to remove their remaining garments. It was not easy or simple; the rain made the act more awkward than expected, but they managed with an almost expert level of grace. And when there were no physical barriers remaining between them, he had to know this was what she wanted beyond any doubt. He couldn't hurt her again; there could be no regret or anguish if they were truly going to try and move forward.

His needs were desperate, but his voice never betrayed that truth.

"Rinoa, I don't want you to have any regrets tomorrow. Are you sure?"

Even though every part of him wanted this, he knew its implications would be far greater than one night. It wasn't just the act of making love, rather allowing someone into his world again. She had found herself there once before, but now the monstrosities of his past were far greater. He could never take back his words or the betrayal, but the healing of their relationship could only begin from the depths of their hearts.

Even though she was bordering on the edge of what could be ecstasy, she wouldn't lie to him. She had her fears, her doubts, her… hesitations. How could she not? But on the other hand, how could she not try to reclaim something that was once so magical? She had been lost to herself for so long, she just needed to find the person inside. Only she could do that, she needed to take this chance.

"Honestly… I hope and pray I am, but… I want to take this risk. I _need_ to take it."

She didn't have to elaborate to him. She was scared and she had every damn right to be. He thought no less of her for her hesitations; in fact, it made him only realize how fragile her trust in him truly was. He needed to believe in them too. This act was somehow going to be beyond just something purely physical, but almost like a spiritual connection bonding their souls.

For years, she had been afraid of falling again and now she stood with him upon the pinnacle of their future. No matter how shaky it had been, she had already taken that first step to trust and now, she just had to believe in what she once felt – in what they once shared… and honestly, what she believed they still shared in many ways.

It wasn't the answer he had hoped for, nor spoken with the clarity he wished, but it was the truth and he couldn't deny the strength in that.

She placed her hand back to his cheek, just as she had done earlier. Now it was her turn to ask the same of him. In some aspects, his response would be more than obvious, but in another, there was a deeply seated fear of rejection on her part.

"What about you, are really sure? I mean… can you do this?"

"Are you talking physically or emotionally?" he rasped, his voice catching in his throat.

He only mentioned the physical aspect because he saw how she had silently studied his wound before. He saw the way her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed, it was the sincere kind of concern he once knew. He remembered that. God, did he ever remember that look. He didn't want to say anything in that moment or even acknowledge his physical limitations. Sure, he had them, but not like the average person as the magic had helped the healing process greatly. Yes, there was that one stupid setback with Zell, but they were totally different situations.

Also, there was still an inner sense of anger about his wound, though he was slowly coming to terms with that. Now, in this moment, he realized that scar would always be with him, just like the one on his forehead. They both represented different points in his life and this new one embodied a turning point to his future. This injury put in motion a chain that led him into her arms; he would trade nothing in existence for this very moment.

"Both…"

Her faint smile was beautiful. In the rain, in the shadows, and most importantly in his arms, she smiled just for him.

"Yes," his voice had calmed, "for everything we've ever been, I'm sure on both accounts."

And when their eyes met, that was all it took…

Two bodies entangled in the rain, their arms holding on tightly to one another. It was familiar and it was new. It was a thousand emotions breaking from their inner prisons. It was a pleasure that he had not found in years; his desperate attempts to emulate it were only a grain among a sandy shore. Their bodies mixed of sweat and rain, of perfume and cologne, of lust and love...

Each taste brought them inevitably closer and each touch brought a reclaimed security. It could have lasted minutes or it could have lasted hours, neither wanted the hands of time to move forward. He spoke her name softly, strengthening their unearthly bond. She felt helpless and lost within his touch, remembering the feelings she could never escape. She was drowning in him again and she begged her conscious not to be saved.

It was the ebb and flow, the moon and gravity, it was everything that ever was... or ever will be... in one perfect union. Then it was heartbeats that needed to slow; a rhythm that had to return to their normal pace of breathing. It was a minute of complete silence taking in all the sensations they had just experienced.

Wet strands of hair clung to his chest as she listened to his heart. The soft tapping that she had once taken for granted now was a radiant melody. She even took time to listen as his lungs filled with oxygen before he slowly exhaled. It was a miracle he was alive and she now understood this.

Earlier tonight she had fallen in the middle of the street, hoping in some twisted way to join him. But it was fate that saved her and brought back together two halves that desperately needed to be a whole.

In the midst of the situation, she made no formal attempt to move from their spot, at least for now. Somehow, she felt as if the spell would be broken if she moved and as selfish as it was, she just couldn't take that chance. Not yet.

He was the one to speak, breaking their verbal stalemate. "Do you think I could get you inside now, before you catch pneumonia?"

"Would you be surprised if I told you you're the second person to tell me that tonight?"

"Really, who else?"

He looked at her curious; something about that fact bothered him, though he couldn't quite put a finger on it.

She sighed, shaking her head. She hadn't meant to bring up her earlier actions. She didn't really want to scare him off less than an hour after finding him again.

"I just was a little lost tonight," she began. It was the truth, if nothing else. "I ended up outside in the rain earlier… but trust me, completely different reasons. An older woman was worried about me, basically ended up telling me the same thing – get out of the rain and get inside."

"Smart lady. Now do you think you can take our advice and get inside?"

She smiled as his fingers continually seemed to be pushing back the hair from her face. It was a losing battle in the rain. "Yes, I think I can do that now."

Rinoa paused for just a second longer, asking the one thing that she was afraid to do earlier because… once she had said it, she knew there would be no turning back in her life.

"Do you want to come in too?"

 

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Three: It's Only a Paper Moon _ **

* * *

The light reflecting off the puddles was enough to find their belongings. A discarded shirt here, a bra there, and even sock somehow wedged in a shrub? Squall didn't even recall removing his socks but apparently, and quite obviously, he had in fact done just that. In the following moments, it never occurred to him to be embarrassed or ashamed. Those were feelings he would have experienced years ago, but somehow, now they were rather irrelevant given their current situation.

Rinoa, on the other hand, had faced a different life experience over the last few years. Whereas once she had been nearly carefree, now that part of her adolescent life had transformed into maturity. Even when she tried to keep that lighthearted part of her alive to the outside world, her inner world remained in constant turmoil. Inside, she felt something unexplainable – an absence that she had never been able to recapture.

Still, Rinoa smiled on a daily basis and she worked. She was honestly happy for what she had accomplished in her life, but it never felt quite fulfilling. She believed that this may have been in part to her being a sorceress adrift without a knight. There was always a sensation of searching, even if just in her subconscious, but never being able to obtain something she had once known. That was always her problem, she couldn't let ago enough of the past to embrace the future…

Then again, maybe that was fate's way of protecting her from moving on. Maybe she had found the knight she was truly meant to be with and that they were just unable to see what was before them. Somehow, the paths of their combined destinies brought them to this point, back to another crossroad and yet, once again, the intersections of their lives crossed in the rain. Still, she did not think that this moment poetic by any means.

Rinoa quickly shied away before he could catch her eyes. The fact that her discarded garments meant nothing to her at the moment should have been taken as a sign. Her initial reaction was to simply retreat from the reality and from him. She was naked and cold; she couldn't help but to feel embarrassed and ashamed…and somehow, she felt completely lost. These were things she should not be feeling, in fact, quite the opposite.

In this moment, she should have been ecstatic. The part of her life that had been missing had suddenly, and miraculously, just reappeared. Still, even caught up in the earlier euphoria, she knew that both the emotions and history ran so much deeper. It was true that some fences could not easily be mended, but apparently that realization had apparently taken a turn earlier somewhere with her logic. Nothing was ever handed over in reality; it had to be worked at, to be earned. Right now, she simply couldn't see beyond her emotional barriers.

The sorceress knew that he was currently gathering his belongings, and most likely hers, so she took that opportunity to head back inside. It may have been a cowardly move, but she honestly just needed a moment to take a few deep breaths. Entering her house, she again bit back the feeling of the cold air against her bare skin; there was a brief flash of déjà vu. She remembered the bitter sensation of the air conditioning against her rain soaked body. Although she had been fully clothed earlier tonight, her body and hair equally as drenched as it had been then.

So much had happened in a few short hours… and hell, she was asleep on the floor during most of that time. She couldn't deny how drained she had become on both physical and mental levels; she doubted sleep would come in any form even if her life had depended on it.

Without looking back, she made her way into the downstairs bathroom. She couldn't explain why she didn't want to turn around. Maybe it was because she was afraid to lose him again, or worse, maybe she was afraid he was still there. Her mind was in conflict with herself, it was just too good to be true…

Her body trembled as she opened a small linen closet. Luckily, she had a few larger towels stored downstairs for if or when she ever found time to lie out in the sun. Truthfully, that dream never came to fruition. Every time she even contemplated the thought, the overriding need to keep her mind her mind busy always prevailed and working on her tan hardly fit that bill.

Covering herself with the towel, Rinoa tucked the terrycloth firmly around her chest – even she noticed how strangely modest she had become in the last two minutes. She grabbed a second one for him, still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that her ex-boyfriend was currently naked outside. Seriously, this was not how she thought this day would end up…or any day _ever_ for that matter.

Making the small trek back to the atrium, she tried to steady both her thoughts and her balance. Squall's form was merely a silhouette without the lights on inside. She was grateful. He had come inside and had already had secured the door behind him. Rinoa wasn't sure why she had half expected him to remain outdoors. She had openly invited him only a few minutes before for heaven's sake, what logical minded person would remain in the rain? From her current position, she could tell he was holding the wet clothes bunched in his hands. Averting her gaze, she offered him the towel.

"Here, I thought you might need this."

"Thanks," he said awkwardly, not positive on how to accept the offered towel while keeping the wet clothes balanced in his arms.

It took her another second to realize what the holdup on his end was.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Um, here. I'll uh…" she began with utter embarrassment.

Unable to complete her thought, she set the towel on a nearby chair. She then extended her arms in order to take the pile of discarded items.

"Thanks," he replied, his voice barely audible over the rain.

Squall couldn't help but notice how she was acting; he'd have to be blind or oblivious not to… All right, once upon a time he _would have_ been that blind and that oblivious. Again, time and circumstance had changed so many things. Now he could tell that even her simplest actions telegraphed how ashamed she felt. He could sense that she was conflicted.

Placing the clothes in her hands, Squall tried to ignore the emotions that stirred within him as his fingers brushed past her damp skin. More importantly, he desperately wanted to dismiss how Rinoa seemed to jump and then pull back when they had made the physical contact. He quickly reached for the towel, securing it around his waist.

There would be time to work out these inner conflicts later, at least, he hoped. His intrusion in her life was never meant to turn out like this; now her turmoil was all he could feel. What they had done outside was magical, but extremely impulsive, even for that fleeting pleasure, there would be consequences.

With the pause in both movement and communication, the moment seemed to garner attention from a formally-unknown third party. Angelo appeared to be waking from whatever state she had previously been in. She took the opportunity to make her presence known with a throaty growl, followed by a series of threatening barks.

"Seriously?" Rinoa questioned loudly, looking at her canine companion in disgust, "It took you _this_ long to wake up and realize there was a stranger in the house? A guard dog - you are not."

Squall inwardly winced Rinoa's phrasing, specifically the use of the word 'stranger.' He knew exactly what Rinoa was saying, but somehow, the term upset him more than he could explain. It was the truth and no amount of regret or apologies would ever change that fact. _Squall Leonhart_, the person he had become now, was a stranger to them. Sure, they had known _\- and loved-_ each other in the past, but that was a lifetime ago. Where in the course of twenty minutes did he not believe himself to be anything but a stranger?

He tried to push beyond those feelings. This was not the time or place for dwelling on the negative. He had to look at this as a time of renewal, as a chance at a new beginning. There would be several obstacles along the way: his past, his command, and his betrayal would only name a few. He also knew that the obstacles were not all on his end; he would have his own questions to face regarding her. But he was _here_ and he wanted to push through the adversity together – he damn well knew that was his plan.

Angelo seemed to be lacking in Rinoa's _sarcasm to canine_ verbal translation, so the dog continued to bark at the 'stranger'. In the back of Squall's mind, there was an unexplained need to be remembered by the dog. So in some futile attempt at recognition, Squall offered a large wave in Angelo's direction. Almost immediately, he felt like a complete and utter moron.

Here he was completely drenched, clad only in a towel, standing in a dark and unfamiliar room, and his immediate goal was to be remembered by a dog. _A dog_. What would the world think if they knew that the commander of the most exclusive military institute's most current concern was to befriend a canine?

Sometimes, even as much as Squall desperately tried to deny, there were moments where his actions mirrored those of Laguna. He was thankful that he didn't get a leg cramp at least - what shred of dignity he had left would have quickly withered into nothingness. Again, he needed to push these thoughts aside, because while he was doing all this, Rinoa stood there with a bunch of wet clothes in her hands. At this point, she probably wanted to throw them at his face and tell him to get the hell out.

"Here, let me take those clothes back," he offered.

With that comment, Rinoa had to laugh at this entire exchange. She had watched as Squall tried to communicate with Angelo, even something as simple as a 'wave' carried a lot of meaning in her eyes. It was actually rather sweet, but she would never voice that opinion out loud. Not to mention what he said; what was he going to do with a pile of wet clothes? He didn't live here or know where to put them.

It had been her choice to stand there for the last few seconds. Why she waited, she wasn't sure. Honestly, she was glad that she had… she had begun to remember how the small things with him always held the best memories. For the longest time, she tried to block them out but it was nice to free herself from those restraints.

Her voice reflected the humor she found within her thoughts. "And to do exactly what with them, Squall? I don't think you want to be standing in my living room all night with a handful of wet clothes. Though I may be wrong, you never liked to do things the conventional way… However, I kinda do. So I'll go toss the stuff in the dryer if that's all right."

"You know, I'm highly trained in any situation. Approach your target inconspicuously at a laundry mat… there may be missions that require that kind of subterfuge."

"_Subterfuge_?" she laughed, "That's just… so not you. But I'm going to interpret your answer as: _yes Rinoa, you may take the clothes and put them in the dryer_."

From Rinoa's perspective, fate, or rather Angelo, had inadvertently broken the underlying tension. She knew that he was only trying to go out of his way to handle the situation like a gentleman. Although in this situation, it made no sense whatsoever. This too had brought back once-forgotten memories. It reminded her of how many times his 'social ineptness' made her laugh - him usually not so much.

They exchanged the clothes, although far from gracefully. A few things managed to fall in the transfer. Reaching down, he picked them up before offering a simple 'thanks.' It was the simplest response; he felt it best not to expand any further. He wanted to ensure that the mood remained as it was, rather than what it had been just a few moments before. She seemed to take the hint, or more than likely, was feeling the same and started to leave.

Now standing alone in the living room, he watched her turn with the pile of clothes and head up the stairs. Apparently, her washer and dryer were on the second floor. Of course, this now left him downstairs, clueless as what to what comes next. He slicked his hair back as the wet strands were annoying the hell out of him. As his eyes focused more in the light, he noticed that Angelo was still glaring directly at him, but at least she had stopped the barking.

Was it possible for a dog to scrutinize and judge his actions? It sure as hell felt like it. Even in the darkness, he could see the glare off of Angelo's eyes. The look was unnerving enough that he chose to turn away.

Now alone with his thoughts, he knew what had happened between them outside was, well, too soon. He was angry with himself for letting forgotten desires get the better of him. That man outside was not who he was but, in some ways, it is who he yearned to be. It was the opposite of all he had ever known. It was what she had always been in his eyes. He had allowed himself to survive in this emotional wasteland for so long that something had finally caved.

In his mind, it didn't matter that he had asked her before hand; his conscience told him that maybe she wasn't in any state to make that decision. Now she might regret it, or even worse, be disgusted by his actions. Honestly, not even fifteen minutes before they made love, she thought he was a damn ghost. Those certainly weren't the actions of someone able to give honest consent. He could try to slice and piece his actions together in any way he wanted, but he would never forgive himself for what had happened…and the way she turned away from him afterwards.

He needed to talk to her, not for his sake, but for hers. If she wanted him out of her home, he would leave. He didn't care how wet his clothes were, or what the risks were, he had no right to do this to her…goddamn it, Zell was right. If he could have had this clarity a day ago they wouldn't be in this situation now. On the other hand, they _wouldn't be in this situation_…which showed some promise of hope to him at the very least.

Making his way up the stairs, he found her in a small utility room. He watched her as she closed the door to the dryer and then stood on her tip-toes to just to reach the shelf. He was about to open his mouth, but found himself just leaning against the doorway staring in awe. Never in a million years would he have believed that someone placing fabric softener on a shelf was such beautiful thing, yet it truly was…

After she was done, Rinoa turned and was startled to see someone in the doorway. Her body reflexively jumped. Mentally, she knew that Squall was in the house, but after years of being alone, it was a very unfamiliar sensation to say the least. She couldn't help but smile when their eyes met. Even if she hadn't meant to, somehow her body was _yet again_ acting on its own freewill.

Placing a hand to her chest, she giggled, "You just scared the crap out of me."

He smiled, offering his arm to her. "If it makes you feel better, I come in peace."

"I'd take you to my leader, but um…yeah, that's probably not the best plan when you're supposed to be dead."

She extended her hand, reaching for his fingers. Her mind never contemplated the action, it was instinctual.

"Probably not," Squall said, pulling her closer until they stood in a loose embrace once again. Then he curiously arched an eyebrow at her. "Who exactly would be your leader anyhow?"

"Well," she continued, laughing as she hesitantly leaned into his chest. "I suppose if I stopped and thought about it, the only one who is demanding enough to fit that bill would be Angelo. So since you already met her, the point is rather moot."

"Yeah, if our earlier encounter downstairs was any indication, that meeting wouldn't end well. How about I reschedule? Then I can bring your leader fresh steaks and squeaky toys."

She moved her arms from her sides, wrapping them around him. "I think that just may work… although since it's you, you may consider bringing more than one steak."

"Good thinking," he stated firmly, resting his head against hers.

They stayed in that position for awhile. It had been their first time seeing each other with the lights on. Somehow, that made him seem even more real to her; he was no longer an illusion in the shadows. Now she could see him with vivid clarity. Technically, she could only see part of his chest, mainly his shoulder, but the parts she could see looked very, very real to her. She no longer doubted her sanity, but it was still reassuring to see him in the light.

Still, there was so much swirling around in her head, so many questions left unanswered. Rinoa felt the return of that clouded uncertainty - the one that she couldn't quite place.

Pulling away, she looked him in the eyes. Her initial thought was simply 'wow.' It was rather a prosaic response given their current circumstance, but he really had changed to a certain extent. She still saw the beautiful person he was inside and right now, his outward appearance mirrored his inward one. God, she forgot how damn handsome he was… over the last few years she had tried to skew her perception of him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes, not so much.

"Squall, I have a hair dryer in my room if you want to use it… I know how much wet hair used to annoy you at times. I mean I still don't know if…but yeah…if you want…it is…well, there."

Honestly, yes his damp hair did bother him to a certain degree that had not changed. He knew that her hair was probably much more of an annoyance, but he also understood this was her attempt of subtly changing the subject. Sure, he still wanted to talk, but maybe this hair dryer thing would give them needed time. Not that he usually appreciated procrastination in any form, but right now, it seemed to serve a purpose.

"Thanks," he replied, "I just might."

"Come on, follow me."

She started to reach for his hand, before hesitating with the action. Finally, ignoring her uncertainty, Rinoa interlocked their hands and led him out of the utility room. She still couldn't just let herself be completely comfortable in his presence. She simply couldn't break that final wall, at least, not yet. It would take some time – not everything could be fixed by the impulsive act of making love, if it could ever be completely repaired.

Silently, Rinoa led him into her master bedroom, flipping on a light switch as they passed by. Squall noticed her décor was truly opposite in style from his. Instead of a black lacquered headboard, she opted for a more traditional four-post bed. It looked hand-carved and the entire set seemed to be a genuine antique. It was quite different from the standard issue twin bed she had been assigned during her stay at Garden. This was something that defined her as an individual and he appreciated that she could remain true to herself even through all the adversity.

"I like your bedroom set, it's very you." He had said it aloud before he even thought about how ridiculously juvenile that sounded. He hadn't felt this insecure since they were first dating. He felt as if every word needed to be carefully considered at this point. Strange how earlier tonight he was easily able to take the lead and now he found himself with the roles reversed.

"Thank you, it belonged to my grandmother. Caraway offered it as a house warming present when I first bought this place."

"It really suits you."

At least Squall was cautious enough not to broach the topic of her father. He knew that to be one of the subjects she would discuss if she became comfortable enough. He was silently impressed that Caraway had passed down the set; parting with something like that must have been a huge gesture on his part. It was a step that the commander could truly appreciate knowing.

Then again, maybe Caraway had given her the set only because he approved of her life now; the one which was clearly didn't include him. Squall knew Rinoa's father had never approved of him or their relationship. Unfortunately, in the commander's case, the General's warnings had been well warranted. He could only imagine the wrath he would face from Caraway when all this was said and done; the man never even showed up for Squall's funereal - and in a political climate, that said a whole hell of a lot.

"Yeah, it was made in Timber, out of the pine trees… You know, before all the bans and limitations." She realized she was slipping into 'Rinoa work mode', but she somehow knew there was a sense of ease around it and talking about furniture seemed better than something more substantial.

Rinoa pointed toward s second doorway across the room. "Um, sorry about that… anyway the hair dryer is in the cabinet under the sink."

He wanted to assure her that it was all right, he didn't give a damn what she talked about. Right now he'd listen to the entire history of Timber, better coming from her than Zell, but just to have the ability to hear her talk was enough. Still, he knew that if he responded as such, his words would come across rather pitifully. He certainly didn't need that. Reluctantly, he willed himself to let go of her fingers and headed toward the bathroom.

Rinoa sat on the bed, knees tucked to her chest, listening to the sound of the hairdryer. She could not see him directly, but every once and a while, she could see a black electrical cord flicker by the bathroom door. When he had first gone into the bathroom, she quickly had grabbed a t-shirt, shorts, and her undergarments. It was her decision to then go into her guest bedroom and change into her night clothes She couldn't explain why she didn't want to change in her own bedroom or even why she felt this sudden bashfulness that had eluded her earlier.

However, this break had given her some time to digest everything, and to honestly think about this not only from her standpoint but also his. She couldn't imagine how hard it would be to watch everyone you know grieve for you. He may not have shown outward emotions, but she knew it was there. It always had been. She actually had gained a newfound understanding of his situation. It would kill her; simply kill her to make others knowingly suffer - even if the purpose was for a greater good.

For Squall, there would be other aspects to the seclusion. Since making SeeD, he had always had some type of control, some sort of authority in Garden, to give up such discipline after so long would have been extremely trying. Even in battle, there were rules and regulations to follow, but there were decisions and freedoms even in such times. Being forced into hiding would be unbelievably difficult for his psyche and she knew exactly how deadly that could be.

Rinoa had been so lost in her own mind that she hadn't noticed the silence emanating from the bathroom. For some reason, it seemed to take him longer than she recalled. She wondered if she was remembering wrong or if he possibly had been stalling for some time too… Maybe they were both facing this situation with uncertainty.

When he finally emerged from the doorway, it dawned on her that she was face to face with her largest dilemma – what was the next step?

There was also that old familiarity creeping back, the one where she just wanted him to crawl into bed next to her, sleeping close all night. She remembered how difficult that had been in the beginning for him; he had always found excuses and made reasons not to stay. In hotels away from Garden, he had been a little more open, but again, he felt that he had to maintain a certain standard within his command. Near the end, he had allowed her to stay in his room at certain times, but even that seemed forced to her. She knew that she had been overly insistent at times. Back then, she had not seen that fact, now she could do nothing but to see that fact.

"So?" he softly questioned from the doorway. It was obvious that he was allowing her to control the situation. He also took note that she was fully dressed. This made the fact he was still only clad in a towel a tad bit more uncomfortable.

"Yeah…" she trailed off absentmindedly.

Maybe talking would help relieve the tension. Then again being able to _start_ a conversation seemed implausible between the disbelief and tiredness. She knew that her doubt was there, but couldn't quite put a finger on the underlying source. Still, it might be worth the attempt to figure it out.


	12. Wrongs Darker than Death or Night, A Private Little War, and …Nor the Battle to the Strong

** _Chapter Thirty-Four: Wrongs Darker than Death or Night _ **

In the room, were two strangers, two lovers, two people bonded in spirit, but had fallen into the accumulation of their desires. They remained two outsiders trying to forge common ground. Squall tried to offer a reassuring smile; however, even he knew that the gesture would be forced. He stood silently, leaning on the bathroom's doorframe. Inside, he deeply wondered where they would go from there, were there too many wounds to heal? Did she even want to move forward?

Rinoa fidgeted on the bed, lightly running her fingers over the comforter and still with knees tucked to her chest. She knew this silence couldn't last. Unintentionally, she sighed out loud. It wasn't the way she meant to break the tension. However, it did give her an opening; she was going to attempt to strike up a conversation, as feeble as it may seem.

"This whole thing must be strange for you, I mean, not being in command of Garden… well, I mean the hands-on command you're used to."

There were probably well over a thousand strange things with this situation, but she tried to focus on just one. In the past, when all else failed with him…there was _always _work.

Squall was relieved for the opening, whether that had been her intention or not. It probably was, as they had been at an impasse. It was strange how it now had come full circle and she actually broached the subject of work, something that used to have deep limitations. Moving from the door, he cautiously sat on the foot of her bed, allowing plenty of room for personal space. Boundaries – this was still very much about knowing limitations.

He didn't know if this attempt at civil conversation would end up a double-edged sword where one no answer would suffice. He had known her games before, but he also knew that neither of them fit into those juvenile roles - too much had transpired, too many emotions betrayed. They had both grown in so many ways and he was glad for some form of verbal communication at this point. Superficial or not, it would be well worth the risk.

"You're right about that." He began, though it lacked his usual assertiveness. "This entire mission has been _strange_. I can say that with the upmost confidence. Over the last few weeks, the only person I've remotely been able to command is Zell." He did manage a small smile with that revelation. "_That_ has gone about as smoothly as one can expect. This entire experience has been draining… emotionally and physically."

"I bet you can't wait to get home."

She quickly realized that her statement could have been interpreted two ways. In one, it meant getting away from her and back to Garden. That wasn't what she had meant…right? No, absolutely not. Why in the hell was she even questioning her own motives right now? She didn't want him to leave, but still, she had to remain on the side of reason. _This_ was impossible…their relationship would never work out. They were two different people, both living separate, yet equally important, lives. The fallacy of tonight would come to an end; the only question mark that remained was the 'when.'

"I'm sure Garden's running smoothly." He spoke, remaining positive.

Squall had the greatest of confidence in his subordinates, plus of course, the aid of the Trabian Headmistress was an invaluable aid.

"I know Xu's been dealing with so much. There's nothing in Garden's daily operations that she can't handle. Not to mention with Lauren as acting commander, she'll probably have that place running smoother than I ever did."

And with that, all her earlier reservations came crashing down. Somehow, in the midst of her self-induced delusions, she had let the most prominent factor in Squall's life slip her mind. The man sitting only arm's length away, wrapped only in a towel, the man she had just made love to, the man she had allowed to break down her emotional barrier – had a fucking girlfriend.

Was her 'selective memory' intentional? Was her forgetfulness an act of fate? Or was her mind just in complete and utter denial?

Rinoa had been so lost in the fantasy, in the intimacy, that all her rationality had been tossed by the wayside. Closing her eyes, she hugged her legs tighter, wishing away her sins. They wouldn't go away. She knew her transgressions were destined to remain eternal.

Soon as he saw her reaction, he realized the mistake. It wasn't as if he trying to hide his association with Lauren, that wasn't who she was in his life. He had understood this, Lauren understood this, but how in the hell would Rinoa ever understand? He doubted his friends even understood and they had been with him since the onset of the so-called 'relationship.'

He was disappointed in how he handled this situation. Once again, he was hurting her…and even if tried to explain why she _shouldn't_ be hurting, he would seem like an even _bigger _insensitive jerk. He would throw in the towel; however, the 'towel' was the only thing he had right now – both figuratively and literally. He wouldn't back down, he couldn't. What they had went way beyond the norm. It was worth fighting for – he had just figured this out three years too late.

But he did figure it out…and right now, that was all that mattered.

Squall knew whatever he said would difficult on both of them; her for just hearing the words and him for trying to eloquently state – well, whatever the hell Lauren was to him. One thing he knew with damn certainty, she wasn't a girlfriend by any standard definition of the word. Then again, the truth made him sound no better. He just wished there was a way he could communicate the truth without having to _say_ the words. At one point, knight and sorceress were bound and emotions were almost transparent within their minds, but that was the past, and he couldn't dwell in unwritten history.

Back then, he never did well trying to express his emotions and she never pushed him, but right now, he would push himself. How determined he was would decide his future, _their future_. Inching his way closer, he reached out to touch her arm; he wished that she would look up at him and give him a sign of hope.

She didn't.

"Don't touch me."

She felt his touch, but was too emotionally void to feel anything else. Rinoa was mad at herself, mad at him, mad at the situation in general. All she could think was that with this one action, she had become the very person, the very thing she had fought against years ago.

While living at Garden, she had heard the murmurs, the gossip, the rumors… She heard them all – from students and instructors alike. At times, the lies would get to her, but she found strength in knowing the truth. Putting on that damn façade of a smile, she would walk with her dignity and self-respect intact. She wouldn't let them and their viciousness get to her. Because then, _they would win_. Her relationship with Squall hadn't been _theirs_ to decide. It only rested between the two that truly mattered, sorceress and knight.

They knew the truth – the rest be damned.

There were no spells, enchantments, or any form of magic as Garden's students like to endlessly speculate. She never stole him away from anybody. She may have 'borrowed' him at times from Garden, because unfortunately, he always belonged to work first and foremost. Nobody would ever make him betray his commitment to SeeD. Garden was his home and his livelihood.

_Always. _

That was a hard reality to accept, but she had started to…until the day the roles of commander and knight clashed. He had chosen his side. Maybe it was based off that reality that this night seemed so much unbelievable – for once in his life, at least viewed from her eyes, he had finally chosen her first…just one time. Maybe she wasn't thinking rationally. What was rational about what she…no, _they_ had done?

Because now, because after her act of adultery…she had become the person, the monster, _the sorceress_ that the masses had always accused her of being. She had taken him from someone else – she had taken his body and their integrity.

"You can tell me to leave and I'll get out," he began softly, "but I'd like you to know the truth… or if you just want me to walk out that door, and never see you again, I understand. I deserve that too."

His heart stopped as she offered no response – not a word, not a sigh, not even a breath. She was as silent as death. It was unnervingly eerie. There was a choice to be made and in this madness, he would make it for both of them. She could hear his peace and then choose whether to make theirs.

There was something so awkward about the position in which he was sitting, something uneasy. Maybe at this point, he didn't view them as equals. He slowly moved off the bed and took a hesitant step toward her. When he saw no reaction, protest or otherwise, he continued through the motions.

Making his way to her side, he kneeled close to where she sat. His elbows rested on the bed as he kept his head downcast. He didn't look up at her, nor did she make any attempt to look at him. He was going to confess all his sins to her no matter the cost – there was honestly nothing more to lose at this point.

A week ago, he intruded upon her life, listening to words that were only meant to be spoken to him in death. He would return that gesture, to the best of his ability. It wasn't on an equal playing field but it was the best he could offer. He could offer words from his heart, even if they were words that she may not want to hear.

"Rinoa, I…" he began, but then after two words, he lost what confidence he had managed. He had to let go of the fear, it was still was paralyzing at times.

"This isn't exactly my thing…but I'm not sure what else to do… What I overheard at the funeral wasn't right or remotely ethical… Part of me knew I shouldn't listen – another part only thought of the hope. I'm not proud of my actions."

He glanced up, trying to gauge a response. She was completely still, not responding either by actions or words. Then again, she wasn't blasting him with a round of Ultima, so he took that as a positive and continued.

"I can't change the past or who we've become, but the fact was, you were talking to me at the funeral. The words I heard can't be taken back, anymore than what said I said to you could be. The only thing I can do is try to explain to the best of my ability... I'm not sure you're going to like what I have to say, but I'm sure we can't go forward without me saying them...

"When you came into my life, everything I knew changed. It wasn't only you, but every aspect of who I was seemed to be disappearing. I got so lost within myself at times. When we were together, it was everything – it was a different life, learning to love, it was the best of my life… but it also felt like the worst. I went from knowing only one thing to trying to know everything… God, it was so consuming at times."

Even now, he could feel his mind drifting back into a darker place, but he couldn't allow it, _wouldn't _allow it. She had taught him to fight, not an enemy that could be seen, but one that lay within himself.

"And that's where it started and ended... The feelings were overpowering, consuming, and took every ounce of strength I ever had to fight. And then one day, I just couldn't. I stopped fighting. I don't remember, but I remember finally just giving in… It was never one thing; it was a combination of everything. I can't say you weren't part of the reason, because, you were… _we_ were.

"If anything, it just showed the different places we were in life. What was nearly impossible for me wasn't enough for you. I never felt like it, like I, could be enough. I can't erase what I said in my office. It's always going to be between us, no matter what…I guess it just comes down to understanding my conflict - both your state of mind and mine. Part of me wanted you to feel like I did… it isn't right, but it's damn well what I felt. It was everything – guilt, anger, resentment, hatred, fear, and whatever the hell it was…it wasn't right. It was failure."

She hadn't expected this at all. She had prepared herself to hear about his girlfriend, not to hear a level of honesty she had never dreamed. He had never opened up to her like this. It was always bits and pieces, fragments here and there and usually only because of her constant insistence. Even if they were only phantom demands in his mind, she didn't seem to mind. She would take every little shard she could get. They both had their share of growing to do… She knew he felt pressure to achieve some absurd standard in every aspect of his life. He couldn't be everything to everybody as much as he tried.

…One day… one day… well, they both know how that ended. The lies and blood.

There was so much openness in his confessions that again found herself doubting her own sanity. It was as if this moment, harsh words and all, defined his entire life. Even after years apart, she knew the turmoil inside. And yet, he was doing it.

It was only for a brief second, but she looked at him. She couldn't fight herself anymore. Just like earlier, she didn't want to. This was different though, this was well beyond a physical connection. This was something truly unknown for each of them.

Of course, there was still no mention of his girlfriend. It should have upset her more at that point, but she didn't want to forsake the gift she had just been given, even if she was unable to respond. Or honestly, had no idea how to…

He had no idea he was going to say all that, but much like her at the funeral, he found himself at a place and time in life where speaking was truly necessary, for both of them. He also knew that he needed to address the Lauren situation. How do you explain that sexuality and aggression were somehow linked – that repression and denial were sometimes not in the most obvious form?

"She's not really my girlfriend," he stated simply. At that point, he thought he had heard a small scoff, but it was so quiet he may have imagined the sound.

"Rinoa, when you take away everything, what's left? Life at its core has very little, and that's where I was at… the basic needs of life. I had to work myself back up, without ever looking the part to the world. And that's what Lauren was, she fulfilled a basic need."

"That's not you." Rinoa finally broke her silence, a little taken aback with his latest comment. She knew him; he was guarded. To allow someone in his life like that would go against that.

"It wasn't. At least it didn't used to be when you knew me… this was convenience. We both got something out of it. She wanted a chance to get ahead at Garden, I needed a release."

"Are you telling me that you don't care about her?" She looked at him dumbfounded. How ignorant did he think she was? She saw them together; she saw them dancing at the wedding. What he was saying was complete and utter bullshit.

"No, I can't tell you that, because I do," he admitted honestly, even surprising himself.

He _did_ care about her, but only in the context of their relationship. It had become a gradual acceptance, born out of a mutual commonality. It was sort of a roundabout friendship, but he wouldn't try to deny that there were some emotions attached. He thought she would have been more shocked by his words. For a moment though, she almost looked slightly relieved. However, that could have been an overactive imagination, not that he had ever been accused of having an overactive imagination.

"Rinoa, as horrible as it sounds… she's the same to me as a work acquaintance, like a friendship with Xu. Lauren and I had no history like Selphie and Quistis; there was no long term commitment. There was no true emotional attachment. If it ended, it ended. In a way, she was what I had been before… I could see myself in her. The physical aspect was just physical… after everything I needed something – an outlet. I suppose the reality is that I could have turned toward drugs or alcohol, but how the hell would I keep up the damn façade then? She kept me in check if I started to forget who I was supposed to be – Squall Leonhart, Commander of Balamb Garden. That's who I was to her, what she was to me."

He had never tried to put his relationship in words. At one point, one of the therapists said it was a form of self-medication. He didn't even care, he'd heard enough theories, statistics, and crap to last him a life time. Not one of them seemed the help in his opinion…then again, there was a bias - maybe they did, he was here now. Still, most of the reasons he found for moving had always been her and how she would view him. As he thought at the wedding, he didn't want their relationship to be in vain. She taught him so much; he didn't want to lose all he'd gained.

"If you have any questions, I'll answer to the best of my ability," he whispered, hoping that she would say something.

_Anything_.

When she didn't respond, he stood up, making sure the towel remained safely around his waist. There was no more that he could do. He had actually surprised himself; he had confessed far more than he ever thought was capable. When he moved, he could feel the pain in his chest. It always seemed to throb with certain motions. Even when he was outside with her, it bothered him, but he didn't care then and he didn't care now. He thought about it though; thought about how that bullet changed his life...thought about how close he had come to truly dying. Maybe that was why he found the strength to speak from his heart now. He needed that inner peace.

Usually, there was only one chance in life, but somehow, he was granted another. There was something he needed to say to Rinoa, to _clarify,_ before he walked out of her life again. He always accepted his responsibility in their break-up, but nothing was one hundred percent. At the time, he thought it may have been entirely his doing. Time and distance had a way of making him reflect differently on behavior – both his and hers. He looked down as she still sat on the bed, identical to the position from which she started. He would always remember her like that now; he would remember her pain.

"All right, I understand…I wish you well. But there is one thing you mentioned at the funeral that's been bothering me… You said you waited for me to come after you…and I never did. But Rinoa, I did. I know it wasn't the grand gesture of showing up on your doorstep that you wanted…it wasn't the fairytale. But think back, I _did _go after you. You'll never know how hard it was for me to even drive to the train station… That was the hardest damn thing I ever did in my life, and then you got on the train… I know what I said, and how much I hurt you, and I wanted to be able to stand there and say the right words. Find the thing that would make you stay. I couldn't… but the fact was: I was there. That was all I could offer at the time…it just wasn't enough. I wish it had been, but maybe it was for the best."

And that is all he could say. When she still didn't say anything, he knew the choice had been made. He would accept it. It hurt like hell, but he would survive this one too. It was going to be a long trip home, but at least he could say that he made the journey. He walked around the bed and stopped at the hallway door just to take one last look. Selfish, yes, but he didn't care. He would get his things from the dryer and leave. It didn't matter if they were still wet. It really didn't matter anymore.

"There's a guest bedroom across the hall." Rinoa's voice was hoarse and caught in her throat.

"Okay," he replied.

He knew, _they both knew_. It was a step. She didn't want him to leave. He wouldn't.

* * *

Somewhere during the night, she drifted off into restful slumber. Rinoa had been so tired that sleep came easier than she first thought. After he left, she removed her shorts and t-shirt, changing into a more comfortable night gown. By the time she closed her eyes, she was nearly asleep. For the first time in weeks, nightmares didn't haunt her. It was just a deep and natural sleep that was very much needed.

She honestly could have stayed in bed until next week; her body and mind could both use that time to recover. Unfortunately, fate wasn't so kind. It wasn't the sound of her alarm that woke her, but the piercing sound of Angelo's annoyed bark. Allowed only the blink of an eye, she tried to regain her bearings.

Every sensation from the evening before was a lucid memory. She quickly realized that through the duration of the night, she forgot about her earlier declaration of wanting to return to work. In theory, it was a good way to help move on and continue her life, _yesterday_. However 'moving on' today meant something entirely different.

"Shit," she mumbled under her breath. This was definitely one of those rare occasions in her life that she felt the need to cuss. After the last week, she earned a pass to a few more.

The last person she needed to see was Zone. There were so many ways that that statement rang true. If it wasn't awkward enough between them, this was going to make her feel downright brutal. She grabbed a bathrobe and headed down the stairs, hushing Angelo in the process. She had already been thinking about what excuse she was going to use. Luckily, given the circumstances simply saying, "I don't think I'm ready" should hopefully suffice.

Still, the bigger obstacle would be convincing Zone to go to work by himself. She knew he would probably want to stay with her so she wasn't alone – and she _wasn't_ alone, therein laid the huge problem. She would have to careful how she worded this. She didn't want to seem too pushy and give him the wrong idea. Rinoa still valued his friendship greatly; then again, she had purposely tried to avoid him since the kiss. So why was this any different?

"Gah," she mentally scoffed, unintentionally rehashing their kiss. Before it was only slightly awkward, now it became a whole new level of awkwardness.

She opened the door, hoping to get through this quickly. However, what she wasn't expecting was to see someone other than Zone standing there.

"Zell," Rinoa she said with relief, probably not the reaction he was expecting. She was enormously thankful she had a reprieve, even if it was momentary. It would give her another minute to gather herself. Plus it was Zell standing there; she missed him greatly over the years.

He stood wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt, which was pulled up over his head, his hands casually in his pockets. He looked at with her with a wry smile.

"I can tell by your lack of shock that I'm in the right place." Any doubts he had of Squall's whereabouts were completely erased.

She managed a small laugh, "Oh yeah, how's that coma treating you?"

"It's one thrill after another." He leaned forward. "Um… can I come in before anyone sees me?"

"Oh my God, I wasn't thinking, at all. I'm so sorry." She felt extremely stupid. Of course he would feel uncomfortable. Standing on her front stoop was not exactly by-the-book in SeeD's code of anonymity and undercover work.

He quickly entered as she closed the door behind him. She had to smile, "Hey, at least you used the front door - a much more logical course of action."

"What, did he decide to do something more dramatic? Roof, backdoor, breaking and entering?"

"Actually… I think he technically managed to do all three." She stopped, taking on a more serious tone, "God Zell, I'm so glad you're alright."

She instinctively went forward, wrapping her arms around him. He returned the gesture, though with his arm still sore, he managed to hug her with only one arm.

"Well, Rin, I'm actually glad to be all right. I'm actually even more glad to be out of that damn van."

"Van?" she questioned.

"Ah, apparently you're not quite in the loop yet on that subject, which honestly, is probably a good thing. It's nightmare inducing, I promise." He smiled wryly, having a tiny laugh to himself. "So I take it everything is… well… I mean you and him are…. Um…"

The martial artist momentarily hesitated rubbing the nape of his neck. He wasn't sure how to ask where the former couple currently stood. Normally, he would say his friends' relationships had absolutely nothing to do with him, but due to circumstances, he kind of had an invested stake in this situation.

"We're working on it." A male voice said from the stairway banister.

Squall heard the doorbell and gathered his belongings from the dryer. After getting dressed, he started down the stairs, first listening to see who the company was... He had his suspicions, but now it was confirmed. Only Zell would use the front door. Now he stood there, eying his comrade from the bottom of the stairs. The commander couldn't say that he was surprised by his appearance. If anything, he was shocked, and very thankful, that his friend hadn't showed up a few hours earlier.

"Squall," Zell replied briskly.

Rinoa noticed that the martial artist's lackluster posture seemed to morph into a more regimented stance. She almost thought he was going to salute the commander, but that thought passed as she noticed the two locked in a seemingly battle of eye contact. She quickly felt the tension that was flooding the room.

It made sense; he had abandoned Zell more or less… Okay, she couldn't deny facts, it was definitely in the 'more' category. She could completely understand why the martial artist was more than a little upset. However, she did wonder why Squall felt the need to stand his ground. Not that he would be the habit of folding, but given the situation, she thought he may have eased up.

The commander continued to walk forward until all three were standing by the front door. Again, he stood scrutinizing Zell before crossing his arms; it was almost as if he was daring Zell to make the first move. When the silence continued, Squall found himself being the first to break the stalemate.

"So, let's have it. What are they planning on doing to me?"

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Five: A Private Little War _ **

* * *

 

The standoff had been won and it wasn't the commander who came out the victor. It didn't matter though - Squall wasn't in any great hurry to hear how his future would be predetermined, yet again. He wasn't positive to what degree of punishment he was expecting, but he would never regret this choice. He would always remain steadfast in his decision as the 'could have beens' would have haunted him. One thing he learned from this experience - time would not wait for anyone.

Truthfully, he wasn't too concerned about Cid's reprimand, indifferent as that may have sounded. How much punishment could one inflict on a dead man anyhow? Anything within SeeD's given norm would surely comprise the mission. In his opinion, he had endured punishment enough over the last few weeks, though he also knew that Garden wouldn't concur. To him, the emotional strain on his friends and family seemed far beyond anything in the history of SeeD.

His opinion of this deceptive bullshit had not waivered since waking up in the hospital. He honestly believed that the appearance of him being either dead or alive carried little weight in the investigation. However, a part of him was now grateful; he would not be standing by her save for Garden's elaborate ploy. He already knew that the headmaster wasn't going to do anything on the drastic side; Garden still needed him to smooth over any public uproar once the truth was known.

Zell's eyes darted between his superior and Rinoa; the latter seemed to be rather lost by this entire exchange.

"Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of her," Squall assured.

While he knew that speaking in front of a civilian was technically prohibited, considering that that protocol seemed to have already been shot to hell, the martial artist paid the rule no heed.

"Ah, okay..." Zell hesitantly began, "Apparently, Cid thinks we can trust her." He then motioned his head toward the third party in the room. Zell offered a coy grin – a telltale sign of his nerves. "No offence, Rinoa."

"None taken," she replied with a slightly mocking undertone.

Her resentment wasn't intended toward the messenger - just the ones sending it. Seriously, hadn't she proved that she could be trusted to them? Still, she knew how things worked in a politically-driven climate and so she could understand Zell's hesitation.

After a few seconds of agonizing silence, the martial artist figured, by this point, policy made no difference; quite ironically, that was also the gist of Garden's message. He honestly was just tired and uncomfortable with interrupting his friends, although it was a necessary. Protocol was sometimes difficult to selectively follow – it had been something ingrained within him from a very young age. He loved Rinoa, but it still felt unnatural to speak freely of Garden matters around her. Maybe at one point he was comfortable, definitely during the Ultimecia conflict, but distance and time had a way of changing one's perception.

"Well…" Zell began trying to break the tension, though he felt as if the term 'tension' seemed a grave understatement. "Cid thinks we don't have much of a choice at this point. She kinda knows pretty much everything now. He also thought that maybe a fresh set of eyes may help…ya know… um who knows?"

That was it. The martial artist really needed sleep or at least a full pot of coffee, possibly more than one. Trying to articulate anything of importance right now was seemingly impossible, and quite frankly, he had enough experience with implausible scenarios over the last two weeks.

"Great, _whatever,"_ Squall replied curtly.

The commander wasn't irritated by Zell's jumbled delivery or even his comrade's not-so-unexpected arrival. Outwardly, his response it may have sounded callous, but to some degree, he wasn't sure what he had been expecting. Still, this certainly wasn't it.

"If any other SeeD walked off a mission like I did, Garden would already have an entire garrison flanking the position. They'd already be labeled a damn traitor. The trial would be over before it started - hypocrisy at its finest."

Squall knew his anger shouldn't have been directed towards Zell, but this whole situation had been completely asinine – from his fake casket to his fake punishment. This entire mission had been an abomination of the rules, though he certainly played his part in that. He would love to see how this would have played out on paper; the headmaster certainly wasn't following any known guidelines. But he also knew that this mission will never be officially documented, only its end outcome.

An outcome which remained to be written…

Zell knew that he really couldn't respond to the commander's statement; it was more a rhetorical tirade on Squall's part. The martial artist decided it would be best to keep his opinions to himself. Squall didn't need the added aggravation, even if he completely agreed with him. Still, that small part of his brain that would have normally stopped him from saying something that he would regret had apparently been left somewhere on the highway.

"I'm not saying anything… I mean, I'm saying _something_, but not about that." Zell fumbled, wishing he would just shut up while he was ahead…or well, not being pummeled by the commander. "Cuz you're probably right, but I mean that's_ not_ why I'm not saying anything. I'm actually glad it worked out like it did…or may work out. Well, hopefully, you know, you guys'll work out."

He finally stopped although not as abruptly as he should have. This was not going well, at all. He wanted to smack himself for pissing off an already pissed off commander. He needed to salvage this somehow.

"What I'm trying to say is…um…" He tried to think of an eloquent way to sum this up – once again failing at doing so, "You know what, I'm just glad to get out of the damn van. That's all I'll say."

Yes, he would leave it at that. There was a reason he wasn't in a command position and this was it. Put him in any battle situation and he would immerge with flying colors, but put him in the middle of Squall and Rinoa's love triangle, square, or whatever it currently was for lack of a better term, and he was lost.

In all of the scenarios Squall had imagined since heading to Timber, none of them played out quite in this fashion - the way where after deserting his post, Cid brings the reason for his desertion into the mission. It went beyond any given logic in Squall's eyes. Three years ago, Garden could not seem to get Rinoa away fast enough, now they were bringing her into the fold? Again, the commander understood back then that Cid was being pressured from outside sources, which always seemed to be the headmaster's downfall. At one point, it was Norg. Now it was the World Council. Politics again. God, he hated this shit.

There was a positive with Zell's arrival however; Squall was relieved that his comrade was safe. No matter what the circumstance was, he couldn't just turn off all emotions – even though he had tried to do just that in the past. Again, Squall honestly didn't regret his decision to come to Timber, yet he wasn't blind to Zell's plight. The commander's only residual guilt in this whole ordeal was not abandoning Garden per se, but abandoning a friend on a mission. He had enough faith and confidence that Zell would find him and truthfully, he had counted on it. It was just his sheer disgust at Garden's double-standards that never wavered.

There was also something appealing about working with Rinoa, that is, if she would agree. As of now, she seemed rather silent on all subjects. Honestly, he had never worked with Rinoa as more or less an equal. Back during Ultimecia, he had to mentally categorize that it was strictly a client situation. Yes, it turned into more as time progressed. Her input was always regarded but it was a group of six and in all honesty, he relied on the rational thinking of the trained SeeDs rather than her emotional reactions.

Therein laid the difference between the past and present; she was no longer the emotional teenager but someone who knew of responsibility. Now she could view things with multiple viewpoints and perspectives. He never wanted her to lose herself completely in the black and white, but he also wanted her to see all the grays in the process. She had. He could see that without even having to talk to her back at the wedding.

Rinoa's maturity had shown not only in her position, but through her accomplishments. It was a dedication to Timber and its citizens that he had truly envied. It was a bond that both Rinoa and his father shared, one he seemed to lack. Timber and Esthar were their respective homes, but Garden was now only his job. At one time, he regarding it as _home_, but that was before he truly understood the definition – at least the one he would like to know.

Through all Zell's incoherent ramblings, Squall and Rinoa stared in amazed confusion. Rinoa could sense her friend's anxiety, although he was trying to feign composure. The poor man looked as if he had just woken from a coma; she thought better voicing that comparison, given the irony of circumstance. Everything about his demeanor spoke that he was absolutely exhausted both on a physical and mental level.

"Zell, if you want, I have a den at the end of the hall. There's a pull-out couch that makes into a rather… well, hopefully semi-comfortable bed. Honestly never tried it myself, but you look like you could use some rest," politely offered Rinoa.

What caught her off guard was the action that was to follow. The martial artist jumped forward, giving her a one-armed bear hug that eclipsed the other tenfold.

"I love you, I love you, I love you!"

"It's um…okay?" Rinoa patted him on the back before trying to pry him loose, "I love you too?"

"You have no idea of the torture I've put up with lately. The suffering my back alone has had to endure in the van from hell. I swear I'm going to stand like Gerogero for the rest of my life. Rinoa, you're my new hero – you're my new god. I worship the ground you walk on..."

"It's just a pull-out couch – so really, there are no thanks and certainly no _worship_ necessary," she replied, amused by his reaction.

Looking over to Squall, she noticed he seemed to be wisely staying out of this exchange. Apparently, he knew how to pick and choose his battles. This was not one. With one final lopsided squeeze, Zell finally detached.

Rinoa was just about to add that he could help himself to food if needed, but she was never given the opportunity. The trio jumped as the doorbell, for a second time this morning, echoed throughout the room. And, as if on some unwritten cue, Angelo went into mass hysterics once again.

The dog _did not_ like that infernal noise and barking usually made it go away. Based on that fact, Angelo was insistent that she loudly inform Rinoa _that the doorbell was ringing_ in case the annoying tone was missed. Even though her human was only a few steps away, in the canine's mind, the loud high-pitched sound may have escaped her master's ears.

"Oh God, it's Zone," Rinoa said out loud, trying to bite back the panic in her voice. She would have hushed Angelo, but the barking was actually a decent cover for any accidental noise on their end.

Still, the young woman couldn't believe she had let her guard fall once again, forgetting to warn them about the expected company. For his part, Squall seemed to be carefully analyzing the situation more than reacting to it. She knew that he was never aware of her plan to return to work. Somehow, that never came up in the course of last night's events and subsequent discussions… She would wave off any further explanation for the moment as now was not the time.

At this point, it would be impossible for the two SeeDs to head toward the stairway as there was a good chance if they crossed in front of the picture window, Zone could see them. Rinoa quickly surmised that they were stuck on this side of the house. Luckily, there was a coat closet near the front door. She hastily pointed to it, hoping they would get the message. It was the most logical and rational course of action, she just hoped that two grown men would fit. Hopefully they would only focus on her quick thinking rather than being squashed like the proverbial sardines in a can. This could get fairly uncomfortable very quickly.

Smiling in understanding, Zell quickly took the hint and headed toward the closet door. Squall's initial reaction upon direct eye contact was something vaguely reminiscent of an eye roll, but with a much more disgusted flare.

"Oh, complain later," Rinoa gruffly replied, squinting at the commander. It was nice to see that after all this time, certain mannerisms of his remained intact, and honestly, so did hers in that respect."Just get in the closet and behave."

"Wait, what does that mean?" Zell replied in a subtle cross between being offended and saying it as a joke.

"Nothing," Rinoa shot back sarcastically. "You can also complain later for my choice of wording. A moment ago, I was your god so just heed my word…or no sofa-sleeper for you."

With that looming threat, the two found a way to squeeze themselves into the small closet though it certainly wasn't designed for two grown men to hide within. In actuality, it wasn't even feasible for more than a couple pairs of shoes, boots, a few coats, and possibly an umbrella – of course, add two men into the mix and it became a mathematical equation on logistics.

The worst part about the current predicament – well, besides just being in the damn closet – was the fact that both men were forced to stand in a hunched position. The top shelf made it impossible to stand up straight. Squall could have found a thousand things wrong with this situation, but in all honesty, he'd still rather be hiding in her closet than any other closet in the world. Well, maybe not literally, but even as awkward and uncomfortable as this was, he did not forsake the incredible chance he had been granted.

* * *

Taking a few calming breaths, Rinoa secured the tie of her bathrobe again and then quickly retied her hair into a rather disheveled ponytail. Why she even cared about that aspect of her appearance she couldn't say. Up until this second, it had all but slipped her mind. The sudden shift in focus was most likely attributed to her nerves.

Before answering the door, she found herself mentally rehearsing a greeting. How pathetic was the scene unfolding before her? And why was she even putting this much effort into something so inconsequential? Had it not been for the two men in her closet, this act would have felt much more natural.

Zone was her damn friend – she had known him longer than either Squall or Zell. Still, she felt that somehow, her relationship with him had been evolving into something deeper, albeit growing into exactly what she couldn't place a finger on... It was hard to forget his deliberate kiss, the one that she made no outward effort to stop. At the time, her reasoning was weak at best. In hindsight, the whole thing was just an ill-timed chapter in her life.

Seriously, why in the world should she have anymore guilt now than she did that night? The kiss was far less physical than Squall's relationships over the last years. The difference was never in the act, but in the feelings surrounding it. If what Squall had said about Lauren was true, and somehow she knew it to be, it was based on mutual companionship rather than emotions. This completely countered her relationship with Zone. She had loved and trusted in him for years but it was only recently had she been able to conceive it as something deeper.

If anything, her guilt regarding the betrayal should have been directed toward Zone. They had not had the time to have a heartfelt conversation, or even the slightest chance to talk about what happened. For all Zone knew, she truly was interested in taking their relationship to the next possible level. Honestly, Rinoa had given him no indication otherwise. In that respect, she had not treated him any differently than before the kiss, but her life had been turmoil in the last few weeks. She had to remind herself that he was just a friend – a friend whom she shared a rather intimate kiss with…

This was all becoming too goddamn overwhelming. If she tried to remember that night weeks ago, she could vaguely recall being held in his arms. It was only bits and pieces, but it was the final hours where her life had some order and sense – and then he kissed her. All her memories seemed to snowball from that one significant event. Yet, even during the kiss, in Zone's embrace, she still felt an underlying loneliness.

She also realized that the loneliness she remembered from just a few weeks ago seemed to be quickly fading... She couldn't admit that fact to Squall, not yet. There was still too much to sort out and emotions were only half the battle. It however, made this encounter that much more complicated. She couldn't tell Zone the truth - the part about the 'dead man' hiding in her closet. She hated keeping secrets from him. But she had protected Squall in the past and she would protect him in the present, though it didn't lessen her guilt any …

"Now or never," she mumbled. She had to act the part, to return to the state of mind she was in yesterday, before that moment in the rain.

She nearly found herself forcing a smile as she opened the door, which, given her supposed mourning, would seem very suspect. She corrected the mistake, chalking that near faux pas to nerves. When she stopped thinking about behavior, to her surprise, it became instinctual nature.

"Hey Zone," she greeted, falling into routine, as if this was any other day of their life, "come on in."

"Mornin' sweetie, look what I brought-" He stopped abruptly, noticing her rather tousled appearance – not to mention the bathrobe she was still sporting wasn't exactly standard office attire.

"Rin, is everything all right?" His tone changed from cheerful to concerned. He knew how much she had insisted upon returning to work yesterday. Usually, once Rinoa made up her mind, it would take the force of a speeding flock of Chocobos to change it back again.

"Um, no… wait, that's not what I mean. I was meaning.…" She sighed, biting her lip nervously. She needed to breathe before she managed to pass out, which didn't seem entirely out of the question considering her luck as of late. "Zone, is it all right if we sit down? It's just really hard to explain at this point."

As he helplessly stood, his heart ached for her. Zone so desperately wanted to reach out and offer her comfort. However, it would be a difficult maneuver seeing as he was holding a cup in one hand and a small bag in the other. Still, he made no attempt to move toward the couch. He needed to know that she was all right. It was pure stubbornness on his part, but he had seen her suffer through too much over the last few years.

In all their years, he had never seen her determination fade as quickly as did from last night. That fact bothered him. The woman standing before him only seemed like the shell of the person he had known for just under a decade. Her entire aura seemed off and he could tell something had been affecting her greatly. It wasn't just the death of a former boyfriend; he honestly believed in his heart that she was giving up on something far deeper. He never wanted to think that way, and truthfully, he never had… but she was so determined yesterday and now, she looked so beaten.

"You're not okay, are you?" It was a rhetorical question; deep down, both of them already knew the answer.

Rinoa felt immediately guilty after seeing the apprehension in his expression; she knew that nobody in her past had cared for her as extensively as Zone. Whether it was during her time with the Forest Owls, the conflicts with her father, the summer she met Seifer or, worst of all, during those long tearful nights after leaving Garden, he was always a constant support in her life. Now, it felt as if she was purposely deceiving him and that alone was breaking her heart.

She knew this façade wasn't going to be as easy, but lying to her best friend was going to tear her apart. All of a sudden, she found a newfound sympathy for Squall and Zell's emotional plight. They had been living in this kind of hell for nearly two weeks and to a much greater extent. Unlike them, she barely made it two minutes before the guilt started to consume her.

"I will be okay… eventually. I just need time." She finally replied, and in all honesty, it was a statement rooted in truth.

"All right," he answered, still eying her suspiciously. "Can I take you up on that offer to sit now? Because as you can see, I brought presents, plus this coffee is starting to put blisters on my fingers. This may not end well." He lifted the cup in a motion reminiscent of a cheer, giving her a lopsided grin.

She nodded in agreement as the duo headed toward the sofa. He sat the coffee in front of her, neither speaking a word. At this point, the silence was probably simpler than any explanation she could muster. Rinoa felt like her body was one entire heartbeat; it was all she could feel as they silently sat next to one another. Truthfully, she wanted to tell him 'that she just wanted to be alone,' but it wasn't in her character to dismiss him so quickly. She could in time, but it had to flow into the natural course of events, which, right now, would obviously be too soon.

Thankfully, Zone was the one to break the tension by pointing to the cup on the table. "Here, before we get any further, I wanted to bring you that – Galbadian dark-roasted black, just the way you like it. I picked it up special this morning. It was kinda a 'welcome back to work' gift, but um…"

"It's okay, I know what you mean." She smiled, glancing at the oversized cup. "Thank you so much. Even if I don't go into today, it's never an inappropriate time for coffee. You always know that it's the way to my heart."

She inwardly grimaced after saying that. Why, why, why? Now it felt as if everything she said had a double meaning. A few weeks ago, she could have carried on a normal conversation with Zone, thinking nothing of her wording. But after the kiss, she started to question how he had been interpreting every innocent comment she made. Had this been going on for years?

Maybe it had… and worse yet, maybe she knew it deep down. Even Irvine had teased her years before, but she had claimed he was overreacting. She said that Zone's actions were merely sweet and maybe, just slightly, overprotective. But was just that her way of denying the truth? The thought of that made her extremely uncomfortable.

"Oh, and you certainly can't forget this little gem." Zone smiled, handing over the small pastry bag. Rinoa accepted it with a slight bit of curiosity, glad for the change of subject in her head.

"It's a chocolate muffin filled with a special Dollet-style chocolate sauce. I hope you like it. I guess I'm just hoping for some 'brownie points' or… I guess in my case, _muffin points_."

"That is possibly the lamest thing you have ever said to me." Rinoa laughed before sneaking a peek inside the bag. She finally glanced over at him with a slight chuckle in her voice. "You know, I could list a ton of reasons why I shouldn't eat this, but seriously, forget those… This looks absolutely delicious. Thank you."

It had been an honest to goodness laugh on her part. She truly thought that it was a lame statement. That was one of the things she cherished about their friendship – it was comments like that that made him Zone. She didn't want to think about the future, about how their relationship would suffer in the end. When the truth was told, there would be no winners or losers, just casualties along the way. Zone had enough hardships in his life, from something as severe as watching his father being shot by Vinzer Deling, to the ulcers his emotional turmoil brought on by those memories... She couldn't be the one to hurt him again; she had been through enough tragedy herself. She knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of pain, it was a commonality that initially bound them together as friends.

Zone knew that he needed to be the one to start the discussion; it seemed like Rinoa wasn't going to volunteer any information. He couldn't blame her for that. "You going to tell me what happened? You know I'm always here if you need someone no matter the time - day or night."

She flinched as his hand reached upward, tucking a stray clump of hair behind her ear. It felt so awkward to be touched by another man. Again, such a simplistic gesture of friendship could no longer be looked at as such in her eyes.

Trying to smile, she hid behind her faltering nerves. She tried to keep the conversation light, but ended up sniffling just to make it through her answer. "You mean because I'm not dressed? I'm a… just taking casual Friday to a new level."

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe, especially since it's not even Friday. You can't get much past me… military intelligence is kinda in my job description remember?"

Zone was right about one thing, he could normally tell if she wasn't being truthful. She would have to give him honesty, at least partially. No, she wouldn't talk about Squall as a living entity; she would never betray a trust bestowed upon her. Still, enough had happened even before the commander's sudden reappearance to explain her change of mind.

"Last night, I thought I was doing all right," she began slowly. Hands in her lap, she stared down at her fingers. She didn't know why, maybe because it was just easier this way. It wasn't hiding, but she still felt emotionally guarded. Without eye contact, it allowed herself some verbal freedoms.

"…I really was all right. I had every intention of going back to work today. I needed the break, needed to think about something beside… well, _that_. Then all of a sudden, it kinda becomes a blur... I remember certain things like running in the street, looking up at the rain… I think it all started after I read the letter from-"

She stopped herself mid-sentence, horrified at this startling revelation. The letter, the _engagement ring_ – she had all but forgotten these things. She remembered reading the letter first; vividly seeing the truth contained within. These facts had not occurred to her until this very moment. Her entire demeanor changed, but not for the reason Zone believed.

How could she have forgotten about his will?

 

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Six: …Nor the Battle to the Strong _ **

* * *

At this point, Rinoa was completely oblivious to nearly everything else, her mind focused only on the forgotten issue. She didn't have the foresight or the ability to mask her emotions. It was a pure, uncontainable shock. Zone would be clueless about the reasoning behind the reaction, but given her already volatile state in his eyes, she could hopefully play this one off as just another emotional drawback.

"Oh my God…" Rinoa managed, quickly turning away. She found herself almost subconsciously looking toward the closet, but managed to stop short, fixating on boxes instead.

How could Squall's will have totally slipped her mind?

Last night, it was the furthest thing from her thoughts, but now it made an uncomfortable situation that much more uncomfortable. She stared at the boxes dumfounded; it was only days before that she had shipped them from Balamb. They had been pushed to the side, and with the earlier confusion from both Zone and Zell's arrival, the cardboard somehow blended into the surroundings.

She had completely forgotten inheriting Squall's possessions, clearing his apartment, and the Gil now sitting in her bank account. It just never crossed her mind last night. The monetary aspects were never important to her at any time, but the level of deception led to the bigger picture; it honestly showed how far Garden would go to deceive its own.

Rinoa felt a hand being softly placed on her shoulder. This time, she did not flinch at Zone's touch. She wasn't paying that much attention to his actions, as her mind and thoughts were focused elsewhere. Maybe she had subconsciously felt his presence and, maybe in some deep-rooted need, she required another's contact. It was sometimes when she felt the most alone that she felt the most vulnerable. She had tried to grow beyond the fear but sometimes, the past was very hard to overcome.

For his part, Zone had witnessed her reaction with an uncertain curiosity. He never wanted her to face this obstacle alone; she had already endured so much. But part of him was surprised by her response; it was as if she had forgotten about the reality and was experiencing it again for the first time. When he could tell that her focus had become fixated on the boxes, he needed to reassure her.

"Rin, it's okay…you don't have to do anything now. Take your time, let things fall as they may. Maybe it would be best if I put the boxes in the basement – you don't need to see them right now. It's only going to serve as a constant reminder. In time…okay?"

"No!" She interjected way too quickly, but he didn't seem fazed by her near-defiant tone. Her voice softened to a more natural state. "It's all… just leave them. It may help me to go through them today. Well… maybe."

"Rin, I honestly don't think that's the best thing for you right now. I know you want closure but it just seems too soon. I really don't want you going through this alone. We're all here for you remember?"

He paused as if to think about his wording for the next statement. He wanted to sound good-natured, but still voice his rather firm opinion. He was worried about her – and with all the evidence piling up, he had good reason to be.

"Well, if you're going to be your normal, yet undeniably stubborn, self and are really feeling up to do this today… why don't I call into work? I can go fetch us some lunch later and we can sort through the boxes together. The last thing you need is to be alone in the house all day, thinking about the past. Maybe we can face this future together, all right?"

"No, no, no you can't do that." She looked at him, trying to remain calm; she hoped her answer didn't come out as plea, although that was damn well how it felt. She was still trying to deal with the latest revelations in her life; she didn't need to add Zone into the fray of unexpected company – that quota had already most certainly been met.

She knew she would have to do something more convincing, even it felt unnatural at this point. With a small smile, she reached up, placing her fingers over his hand, the one that rested on her shoulder. At any other time, it would have been an act of friendship. It _was._ Though, right now, she didn't know how he was interpreting it.

"I mean… I thank you for the offer. I really do appreciate it more than you'll ever know. But thinking about it, about my breakdown last night, about everything…I really just need this day to rest – to take some time to put my life in order. And as far as the boxes go, the truth is - I don't know what I'm going to do with most of the stuff. The majority will likely remain packed. There are just a few things I'd like to take out…but in due time. Some things I need to do for myself. I can't have someone holding my hand every step of the way."

She winced again at her awkward wording. Damn it, why was this so fucking complicated.

With a caring smile, he turned his hand, interlocking her fingers with his. Moving nearer, he gently pulled her closer to him. While she didn't hesitate outwardly, her body stiffened at the embrace on the inside. She felt the touch of his lips as he placed a small kiss on her forehead. She so desperately wanted to pull away, but she had to limit her behavior. If it hadn't been for Squall last night, she would have accepted this, but maybe not for the right reasons. So that is exactly how she would conduct herself as she leaned her head onto his shoulder. It was truly instinctual; she had done that probably close to a hundred times over the last few years and never had questioned her own actions. He was a friend – a friend. Right?

"How about this?" he began as one hand rubbed the small of back. It should have been comforting, but its effects on her were truly the opposite. "I'll come over after work, bring some movies, a Dollet-style pizza, and we'll make a night of it. It'll be us doing nothing but hanging out and watching bad comedies and laughing at their sheer stupidity. Just like normal. Rin, you really need your friends around… While it's good to have some time alone, nobody expects you to do this by yourself. That's not you."

"…No, it's not," she answered, knowing he was right. It was hard arguing against the truth.

She quickly searched her mind for an excuse, but this charade already seemed to be complicating itself. It was impossible to counter his arguments and remain true to herself. She wanted to avoid seeing him tonight, but unfortunately, it would only draw more attention to the situation. She needed to offer up a compromise.

"Um, can we maybe go out to dinner instead?"

She wasn't sure what possessed that alterative, but she was relatively pleased with the solution. Her main objective had been met, which was to keep Zone out of the house and away from her company. Plus, her secondary objective had also been achieved, which was trying to avoid being alone with him - a public place seemed like the most tactical option. Going out to dinner seemed the most logical recourse on both accords.

"Are you sure? You really want to go out?"

By the questioning tone in his voice, Rinoa could tell that he was somewhat opposite to the idea. Of course, she wasn't sure if the hesitation was about her going out in public generally, or if he was upset about their lack of privacy.

She simply wanted to scream.

Again, here she was interpreting his every action with a double meaning, innocent or not, it made no difference. She couldn't seem to get past her own demons. If this had been Watts sitting next to her, there would be no question in her decision. But no such luck, since he had been extremely tied up as of late. His wife, who was in the latter days of expecting, and children also required their fair share of his attention. Not that her other long-time friend didn't care, he most certainly did… But she felt as if Zone had somehow self-appointed himself the primary person to help her through her mourning.

She knew this was the moment she would have to sell her reasoning. She needed to believe her motivations as much as he did.

"Zone, I really do want to go out. I thought about what you said earlier… and you're absolutely right. You thought that staying in the house all day couldn't be good for me and I – I do need to leave for a bit. I think getting out in the real world, back into Timber, for even a meal would help me greatly. Think of tonight like a stepping stone for me eventually going back to work. I need to be around Timber, around its people, just a few hours. It would mean a lot to me, please?"

Zone momentarily paused before answering, "Anything you think is best. I've always had your back so if you really think it's going to help, I'm always going to be behind you one hundred percent. If you change your mind, I'll be there too – no questions asked. But for now, I'll plan on being here later this evening – I'll see you tonight, it's a date."

As he sealed his promise with another kiss on the forehead, she inwardly tried to mask her apprehension.

"_No, this is certainly not a date,"_ she thought.

Rinoa wanted to correct his choice of wording, but again, she would have said nothing if this had happened two weeks ago. It was under that pretense she felt inclined to continue. She never wanted Zone to get hurt, and she was afraid of leading him on but, what were the subtle differences between friendship and something more? Somewhere along the lines, she felt as if he had changed the rules. Now she just needed to understand them.

She hoped to God she would discover this balance by tonight.

* * *

The next few minutes with Zone were rather cumbersome, but overall manageable compared to earlier conversations. Begrudgingly, he finally agreed to head to work, as per her wishes. She had encouraged him to go on to the office, also insisting that he needed to relay her regards to her co-workers. They had all been so supportive; at least her friends who worked within Timber, not the secondary politicians from other regions calling to offer their condolences.

She also reasonably argued that the welfare of Timber didn't take time off for her mourning. The last thing she wanted was for the town to suffer. It was the truth, and even he had mentioned how her concern for others was 'so typically Rinoa of her.' Maybe her pleas were a tad bit over the top, but most of them were still rooted in truth. She had also asked him to check in on a few things she had currently had on her desk, to help put her own mind at ease.

Standing at the front door, they exchanged a few more work-related notes. It was nothing of any major significance, just enough to keep her enlightened. He again mentioned his irritation about working on the transportation bill again, something not usually associated with the militaristic aspects of his job. He had been elected via committee when it seemed that everyone else had their plates full with other projects. The mayor's political advisor believed either Zone or Watts would be best suited for the task since their relations with Fisherman's Horizon had always leaned towards the positive. Again, Watts had been easing up on his workload, so this unfortunately only left Zone, who truly wasn't thrilled with the prospect, but accepted without opposition.

Rinoa felt bad about admitting this fact to herself, but she was thrilled that she hadn't been selected as the liaison with Fisherman's Horizon. Still, the bill was truly important to commerce, as an improved commuter system between Esthar and Timber would be critical. However, working closely with Mayor Dobe and his wife made her extremely uncomfortable. Her past dealings with Garden strained the political relationships; it seemed that guilt by association was still the norm where FH was concerned.

Still, during all the time they'd been talking at the door, she was extremely aware of the closet situation. She didn't want to hurry Zone, but wanted to keep the conversation flowing in a positive direction – a positive direction that ended soon. _Very_ soon.

When the front door finally latched, and Zone on his way, she took the small break to lean her back against the door. Looking upwards in exhaustion, she needed this second just to gather her bearings. One morning of deceit already felt like an eternity in her eyes. Standing to the side, she peered out the window, carefully watching until Zone's car pulled out of sight. She quickly drew the drapes; that would at least buy them some time if another visitor decided to grace her presence this morning – that, of course, would be just her luck.

Crossing back over to the closet, she opened the door holding her breath, before adding apologetically, "I'm so, so sorry."

It wasn't until she saw the rather contortioned scene that she found herself suppressing a chuckle. It was a brilliant combination of ingenuity and flexibility that had been mastered by years of training – or well, maybe just luck. She saw how miserable they looked and did have sympathy… But given the events of the last few weeks, she couldn't remember anything that made her want to laugh to such a degree.

Stepping out of the closet first, Zell assumed the lead. He tried to shake all his extremities; he would have never thought it possible to lose feeling in all four limbs simultaneously. Even his neck felt as if it was permanently locked into an askew position. Rubbing the spot of his wound, which now seemed to greatly itch, the martial artist was the first to speak.

"Wow… that was really awkward."

Squall was equally as miserable, yet hid all his discomfort as he silently stepped out of the closet.

"I know you two had to have been horribly uncomfortable in there. I wanted to try to hurry it up, but I couldn't overdo it…" she explained, hoping not to elaborate further.

"Heh, I wasn't talking about the closet," stated Zell with a sarcastic laugh. "Actually, I was talking about the fact you just made _a date_ with a guy while your ex-boyfriend, who you're trying to work things out with, was hiding within earshot. Less we forget, all this time, your ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend thinks he's dead. You've **got** to see the irony in this."

Placing a hand over her mouth, Rinoa was horrified that they heard the exchange.

"You heard everything?" Although that statement wasn't meant to be said aloud, she couldn't rein back her shock.

The door certainly wasn't thick, but she figured that it would at least serve to diffuse most of the conversation. She and Zone couldn't have been that loud, right? Maybe Zell had the hearing equivalent to a Red Bat and it was just isolated words. Rinoa didn't know whether to be embarrassed or impressed by this latest turn of events.

One thing for sure, she needed to clarify with certainty: _it was not a date._

"…And Zell, it is _not_ a date. It's just dinner with a friend," corrected Rinoa.

Crossing her arms over her chest, the young woman's body language bordered on the defensive. This did not go unnoticed by Zell, who thanks to the self-help tapes, felt as if this was a new area of minor expertise.

She tried to play off this entire situation, falling back into humor. "But thanks for stating it with a dramatic flair that is all your own, Zell. I think you're just still upset about the closet comment from before, aren't you?" She smiled at him, returning into old routines.

Zell rocked on his heels, as this banter between friends also took him back many years prior. He normally wouldn't have been so blunt about the Zone ordeal, but there was also a definite tiredness in his mind. Not to mention, he was still irritated with Squall for leaving him stranded in that damn van. In his opinion, the commander deserved this ribbing – not so much Rinoa, but he knew she could handle the subtle teasing. At least, he hoped that part of her old persona was still intact.

"I was told to behave, remember? In a closet, with Squall, was that _really_ necessary?" Zell shot back, putting his hands objectively up in the air. It was all a part of his natural flair that she had mentioned only seconds before. "But putting closet situation aside, that whole conversation with Zone was very _awk-ward _to listen to. Ya know, I'd love to stay and figure out this love triangle, square, hexagon, or whatever shape we're currently at… but there is a pull-out couch calling my name."

Embarrassed by the fact that Zell's words had a ring of truth, Rinoa reluctantly answered.

"Again, just head to the back… let me know if you need anything."

Squall finally broke his self-imposed silence. No matter how enlightening this reunion was turning out to be, whether good or extremely uncomfortable, there still was an underlying mission. It may have been ironic he would be the one to broach the subject, given his actions, but it was also the only way to move forward. If he wanted normalcy, he would have to actively investigate the facts.

"Zell, where is the van?"

"Oh yeah, that…I completely forgot for a minute. There's a municipal lot across from the Timber Maniacs' building. I parked it there."

"Keys?"

Even the commander's one-word questions were spoken with authority. Rinoa had to admit there was a certain quality she couldn't deny when he was assertive. It was one that first drew him to her, but one also that would contribute to their downfall. She watched as Zell grinned and tossed a set of keys across the air. Squall caught it with the reflexes she remembered - a deadly mixture of natural ability and trained engineering.

"You gonna go get it?" The martial artist had to scratch his head at that. The whole van fiasco was quite a thorn in his side, though it was essential to the case – unfortunately.

"No, I'll get it."

Both men turned to look at Rinoa with her comment. However, it was only Squall who would voice his protest.

"We can't ask you to do that."

"Really?" she said, looking at him questionably. "Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt your stealthy ninja-like SeeD skills and all… But from a practical side, wouldn't it be much less of a security risk if **_I_** go out in broad daylight?"

"She's right, Squall. You know, plus we're all kinda team now," interjected Zell, though not to the delight of his superior.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Rinoa. Although she was uncomfortable with the use of the word team, she would let it slide for now. "But technically, I'm the only one here not dead or in a coma. Plus, after all hype, I'm truly curious about the van of doom."

"Actually, that's the _van from hell_," corrected Zell. "Don't forget it. It doesn't like to be called by the wrong name._ It_ knows…"

Rinoa turned to Squall, who seemed not to have any personal opinions or irrational fear of the vehicle. "Okay then… So what does this thing look like? Might be useful in the parking lot."

"It's white with a bouquet of red roses on the side. It says 'Forever in Bloom.' You won't miss it."

She couldn't help herself; it wasn't the ominous mental picture Zell had her envisioning. "…You're kidding me – the van from hell is paved in roses?"

"Yes, you see the irony," added the martial artist.

"It was practical at the funeral. It easily blended in with the other delivery trucks." Squall reasoned. He then wondered what possessed him to defend Garden's ridiculous plan, but looking back now, the cover was rather practical. It didn't seem this way a few weeks ago from a hospital bed.

Shaking his head in disbelief, he took a step forward offering the keys to her. "Thank you, Rinoa. Just go when you're ready. It really is better this way."

She took the keys, knowing how hard it was for him to allow others to help. She knew he really didn't want to inconvenience her, that he would rather do it himself. Actually, she wouldn't have been surprised if he would have wanted to do everything himself, given his solitary nature. It was these little steps forward that she knew as progressions of growth. The fact he listened to her, and then trusted her plan, without much convincing was truly astounding. She didn't betray the joy she was feeling, accepting the keys with only a simple smile.

"Well, now that it's settled…I'm _really_ going to go this time. No more distractions…just sleep. We're set, right? No more talk of closets, vans, or dates?"

"Yes, it's fine." Squall nodded, giving him the permission he needed.

Just before Zell disappeared down the hall, his last comment registered with her. Rinoa had to once again set him straight, "It's not a date. It's just dinner with a friend."

Of course, even as she was stating that fact, the distinct impression that it was a date lingered, or at least one party believed so.

"You know he did that on purpose," Squall finally said after some momentary awkwardness.

"What?" Rinoa asked him suspiciously.

He paused, knowing he had mostly likely said the wrong thing. The commander had been trying to come to terms with everything he had overheard earlier. He had no right to be upset, but something inside him refused to abide by that.

Zell knew Squall to a point, and over the last few weeks, they had come to understand each other better, although not by choice. Over the last week, they had shared a few conversations that normally would have been left unsaid. However, in the same respect, Squall was starting to understand the subtle nuisances of Zell – explaining those nuisances, however, was another story.

"Zell's comment – it's just his way of getting us to talk. If I've learned one thing lately, it's that he has a unique way of being direct, without ever being direct."

The commander quickly surmised he couldn't put Zell's abilities into words – the meat byproduct speeches alone spoke volumes to this effect. Squall also realized that this was the first time, since last night, that he and Rinoa had been alone, both appearing to be holding back. The reality dawned on both of them - there had only been more questions raised this morning since any answers were given last night.

Even though Squall knew he might regret asking, he hadn't come all this way to shy away from complication now. He always wanted her to be truly happy in life. Even if that meant her finding happiness with someone else, he would accept that conclusion. He couldn't say it wouldn't hurt – it would hurt like hell, but maybe that is why he had to know now, before he left himself even more emotionally vulnerable.

"So, is it a date?"

Rinoa was caught off guard by his openness and candor. She wanted to laugh it off and tell him he was way off base, but she couldn't exactly do that. There was so much confusion in the situation, but she had to be as truthful as possible. If there was any hope for them, their foundation had to be based on honesty. He had already shown this fact last night, now it was her turn.

"Truthfully, it's not a date for me. It really _is_ dinner with a friend. I just…I just don't know how he feels."

"Really?" Squall questioned.

It was strange; he had no rights to ask, so why was he continuing this? Deep down, there may have been some bias. His relationship with Zone had never been solid, only cordial at best. Their only connection was her, which seemed to be the case more than ever now. He really did want her happy; it was just difficult to think it may be with Zone. He hated himself for thinking this way but, somehow, old emotions were suddenly finding their way to the surface.

Placing her hands over her face, she almost wanted to break down and cry. She needed to be truthful, but that also meant to herself.

"God, I don't know… Yes, maybe I **_do_** know how he feels. It's just…it's like everything is cloudy and I'm just trying to wake myself up – to where everything with him feels normal. Squall, I can't lose another friend, not one of my best friends. I've lost so many people over the last few years… not Zone too. I just don't know what to do. How could I even begin to explain any of this, of us, to him now? I don't want to lie, but without telling him the whole truth it just…I can't."

The commander didn't know why, supposing that it might have been purely instinctual, but he offered his hand to her. It was gesture of reassurance, but one where the final decision was left to her. It was reminiscent of last night in the laundry room, and again, she took the course that naturally led her into his embrace. It wasn't forced or uncomfortable, it wasn't like when Zone tried the same actions. In her mind, she knew there was no comparison, no questions.

"You'll figure it out, you always do. Trust yourself."

He placed a kiss on the top of her head; again, it was an act that neither of them had to think about. This entire situation had been his fault and he would never stop accepting blame. Rinoa had lost her friends at Garden - keeping in contact had been uncomfortable for her. How could she remain friends when so much deception was placed between them?

He never wanted to overstep his bounds, but it felt like since the minute he arrived, he was here on borrowed time. Of course, with Zell's appearance, he now felt as if he was forcing both their presence and their mission on her. He wanted to find those words to make it better, but he also knew that this peace wouldn't last – it too was on borrowed time.

And just how short-lived it would be was evident when he noticed that her attention had turned back to the boxes. It was an albatross between them, the one subject neither dared to approach. Deep down, both knew the significance of a commitment never asked. He eventually would have to find out what _exact_ items were in the boxes eventually, but in the same respect, there was a safety net in the not knowing – maybe the ring was never found. So, that is where both drew the unwritten line, at least for now.

Rinoa was positive he had followed her gaze; she could feel his body tense next to hers. She tried to think of something to say, to bring up the will, but she just couldn't for some reason. She was also irritated at herself for falling back so easily into his arms. Pulling away, she pursed her lips and shook her head. It was as if she was silently reprimanding herself for her previous actions.

"I'm going to check on Zell, make sure he doesn't need anything. Then I'll get dressed, get the van, and we can get started."

Squall didn't even have to reply before she turned and walked toward the back. He couldn't stand the awkwardness and contradicting emotions although he understood her uncertainties. Every time he felt that they would take a step forward, she seemed to distance herself, taking several steps back. He couldn't blame her, not after all these years without him. Still, it was hard to remain composed amid so much indecision.

This new revelation with Zone also greatly complicated the situation. Rinoa admitted her fears that she didn't want to lose her best friend - the closeness those two shared over the years couldn't be denied. Zone was a part of her life that Squall would have always been absent from. Zone had always been there - through all her ups and downs, but most importantly, he was never the root _cause_ of all the ups and downs. Zone didn't disappear for three years and then try to rekindle the most complex relationship known to mankind.

Placing his hand on his forehead in frustration, he started walking toward the boxes. He already knew what they were, but upon seeing the return shipping label, all doubts were erased.

"Great," he mumbled.

It was one thing to know his belongings were supposed to be packed up, but it was another to see his life placed into five simple boxes. This also meant that everything he had owned was already out of his apartment. In some ways, it spoke volumes about his life - about how disposable his existence was to Garden. At this point, Xu had probably had given his apartment key to its next tenant. This was going to be a headache when, and at this point 'if,' he ever got the chance to return.

Inside, he knew his legacy was much more than this… but looking at these boxes, it seemed as if his entire life could be placed in cardboard and then stored in a basement. This was all he had, this was his ultimate legacy. Sure, Garden would have talked about him, taught about him, but in the end, his life amounted to a few disposable boxes and chapters in a textbook.

The sooner he could get this mission over with, the sooner he could chart the rest of his life. Right now, he had no choice but to follow the linear course Garden had drawn before him. But with her along side, he just might make it.

 


	13. The Devil in the Dark, That Which Survives, and Once More Unto the Breach

** _Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Devil in the Dark _ **

Walking down the hall, she wanted nothing more than to turn around and seek comfort in him, but she would not fall into old roles, old traps. She had, _and he_ _had_, moved beyond that point. There used to be a comfort in the certainty, but both had quickly learned that certainty was only an illusion. So head held high, she never turned around. Then again, seeing that she was putting her pride above Zell's comfort was no great console either.

It was obvious that her friend just wanted to rest, but instead of turning around and facing her damn demons, she was intruding on his privacy.

Her actions, while under the pretense of hospitable, were more self-serving than anything else. Maybe it was a pride she refused to yield, or maybe it was seeking that belonging she had once known. In a way, her whole relationship with Garden was a paradox – her desperate need to be a part of something she didn't morally agree with. It was juvenile rationale and she damn well knew it. She didn't need to be accepted by Garden, by SeeD, or anyone else, but she always wanted to be acknowledged by them, which was the contradiction onto itself.

And here she was, falling back into that childish state of mind.

She wouldn't.

Stopping abruptly, she had finally come to terms that continuing forward would only be for selfish reasons. Rinoa was just about to let out a thankful sigh, grateful that she caught herself, but apparently, Zell had heard her – her quiet, stealthy abilities certainly weren't on par with her former comrade's.

"I would think you're just checking on me, but I know better."

He grinned in such a fashion that quickly made her recall his nickname of "Mr. Know-it-all." Truthfully, it suited him much better than chicken-wuss, but it never garnered quite the reaction and, the entire group, knew the reaction was truly what the name was about.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't." She smiled, trying to dismiss herself.

"Three years."

Zell responded before she could leave with a small bit of dignity intact. His tone was soft and remorseful. From that alone, she could tell how much her actions had affected him. They were almost best friends back then, inseparable at times.

"You know, you didn't just walk out on him, you walked out on everybody. You were one of us, you were like our family."

She could have blamed Squall, blamed Garden, but truthfully, there was some blame that could never be shared. If she had wanted, she never had to lose her friends. In the end, it was her choice because keeping ties with them was too painful.

She took the simple way out – they were a constant reminder of impossibilities.

Rinoa wanted to move on, even if that meant denying such a vital part of her life. It was what prompted her to skip Selphie and Irvine's rehearsal dinner. Even worse, she had seriously contemplated missing their wedding. As painful and humiliating as that experience had been, she was glad that she had wadded through her shortcomings. She would have never forgiven herself if she had missed that day. With some things once done, certain actions or lack thereof, can never be taken back or forgotten.

"I don't know what to say."

She searched for an explanation, anything, but to give him some lame excuse would betray their friendship. She thought more of him than that; he was family and she loved him as such.

Most importantly, any truth she would offer would divulge too much. She wouldn't betray Squall's trust again; she would already have to tell him later that Selphie and Quistis knew the truth and most likely, Irvine by proxy. Had she known the truth, that this had been an elaborate hoax, she would have never said anything, but how was she to know? They had all been victims of the lie, and there would unfortunately be many more causalities along this road.

Maybe those admissions in his apartment would explain some of her underlying guilt. She had promised Cid never to say anything, but she had. It seemed like her own conscience held more importance than her promise – she hated this reality. Did Squall's _death_ trump her own need for closure, or had her commitment to the promise died along with him? It was easy to look back in hindsight and see her weakness, that by telling the others, she broke a promise. Now she would have to face that fact too.

Once again, she said nothing to Zell on the subject…at least, for now. There were a lot of fences that needed to be repaired and she would make those mends…she _would_. She just needed to find a balance which was comfortable to her.

"I just wanted to check…see if you needed anything. Then I realized that you just probably wanted to sleep."

"Uh-huh, yeah," he answered with a tone indicating his doubt. It would have been easy for him to drop the subject in its entirety, but in his line of work, rarely was anything ever accomplished with neutrality.

"Rin, I don't know what's going on between you two, and that part really isn't my business… But I think there is something you really should have the right to know... When he thought he was going to die, his only thought was you. His last words were for you."

Rinoa was taken aback by his response and wanted to question further, but she knew better. She wouldn't put him under any more pressure; she was certain that he had faced his own private battles over of the last couple of weeks.

Almost as if reading her thoughts, he replied, "I won't give details. Ask him if you want the specifics. Just know I was there and I know how final we both thought it was… I also know how hard he fought just to have this opportunity to be here, to see you again."

She nodded silently, unable to vocalize a response. It was then that Zell closed the door, leaving her standing alone in a moment of ambiguity. Wiping away the tears that had fallen, she regained the composure to which she had held earlier. As she turned back towards the living room, _towards him_, she tried not to overanalyze Zell's words. The more she contemplated them, the more she could guess the nature of Squall's sentiments. Yet, just to know they had been said, that she was the one spoken to in his final breaths, was overwhelming.

If the situation had been reversed, she knew what her final words would be. The problem was that no matter what she felt in both her head and heart, she couldn't find the strength to confess them to him now. Of course, that certainly didn't mean she didn't feel them, rather that she couldn't admit to them, nor categorize them neatly in her mind.

Gathering herself, she walked out into the living room. He was standing near the boxes; the scene made her momentarily tense but she would push through it - as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He must have either heard her or sensed her presence, but either way, he turned around and seemed to distance himself physically from the boxes. A quick expression passed by his eyes and on his face, one she believed she had recognized as uncertainty or possibly doubt. However, given the years of distance, she could no longer rely on old tells.

For his part, he felt uncomfortable being caught looking at his life reflected in the constraints of cardboard. He didn't want to admit his own mortality and weakness, especially not to her. It was instinctual to move away from the boxes rather than to openly discuss the meaning within them.

Again, neither seemed ready to take that step and all it represented.

What surprised him, and so much had over the last twenty-four hours, was her next action. Wordlessly, he watched as she drew nearer to him. There was only a brief moment of hesitation in her actions, but her overall demeanor remained firm. She walked up to him, locking eyes at one point, and once again placed her arms around his waist.

He was utterly confused by this action, just as he had been confused by many of her actions in the past. He silently placed a comforting hand on her back, unsure what had happened in that short of time to garner such a response. Not that he was complaining, not in the least, but this was far from the response Zell usually had on people.

In some ways, maybe her reasons were better left unsaid.

"Don't say anything," she instructed softly. "I just wanted… _needed_ to do this."

She remained that way until she regained her emotional footing and then she simply added a soft 'thank you' under her breath. Although he had no trouble hearing the whispered statement, he didn't comment or even understand its true meaning for that matter. Again, maybe some mysteries were better remained unsolved.

Just as suddenly as she had reached out for him, she released her grasp. Her previous demeanor returned, the one marked by maturity and caution.

"Squall, I'm going to go upstairs and shower so we can get started on the mission. While I'm busy, feel free to grab something to eat from the kitchen. You have or make anything you like; you're welcome to any food in there. Just…well…make yourself at home."

And then she walked upstairs, leaving him once again by himself, yet this time, he didn't feel alone.

* * *

Twenty-four hours ago, she would have never pictured herself in this spot. Well, physically _this spot_ was in the middle of a public parking lot, but that is not where her thoughts rested. It was like waking from a bad dream, one where you could still feel the lingering emotions. It was as if a part of her accepted the truth as factual, but the other part struggled amid the denial. Just like a dream, she had been falling in her mind but now she had awakened with a rapid heartbeat and hurried breath.

In her hand, she held a set of keys. Right now, they were also acting as her security blanket, holding onto them tightly enough to leave an impression on her palm. In the back of her mind, she hoped that she wasn't drawing much attention to herself, but her paranoia was most likely confined to her own thoughts. Every building, every sound, ever person that she passed, seemed to make her nervous, but this was Timber, not Deling City or Esthar - people pretty much kept to themselves. Honestly, nobody was even paying her the least bit attention - what few people were walking about.

Rinoa tried to act natural since it was simply a walk after all; the act in itself was nothing that held significance.

After she showered, dressed, and left her house without much ado, specifically in regards to Squall she headed the few blocks toward the Timber Maniacs' building. Before leaving the house, she had hastily mentioned that he could use the shower in the master bedroom to freshen up. It was only stated only as an offhanded remark, allowing minimal conversation in return. She wanted to say so much more to him, but again, just like those first few moments after waking from the dream, her thoughts were not lucid and neither were her words. Her mind was still in a perpetual state of haziness, clouded with the words of Zell, Zone… and most especially, her former knight.

Then again, if she were basing her sanity on the last few weeks, there was no comparison. She would take this confusion over the pain. At least she saw light now, no longer the all-consuming darkness.

Rinoa continued to casually walk until she reached the van, which Squall had been correct about; it was easily identifiably amid the other vehicles. At first, she thought that Zell leaving it in a public lot seemed like a careless move. Now as she saw the other cars and a few delivery vehicles contained within the lot, it was an almost brilliant idea – hidden in plain sight.

Quickly, she turned the key to open the door and jumped up. Unfortunately, as the air wafted from the vehicle, it did have a slightly distinct odor, which was sadly nowhere reminiscent of a floral nature. She surmised that it could have been so _much_ worse, as it was nothing that several spurts of air freshener and a few hanging deodorizers couldn't handle.

Still, it was in relatively clean order, figuring that the duo had made it their makeshift home, not to mention Zell being the last lone inhabitant. That fact alone explained the half-opened bag of potato chips on the dashboard, the empty bag of pretzels on the passenger's seat, and the…well, there was a small list that she could name, but it was irrelevant. Still, she doubted Squall would have left it in such a disorderly state without a huge protest.

Glancing in the back, she couldn't hide her surprise. Even though it was rather compact in size, it appeared to be suited head-to-toe or rather door-to-door in technical advances. There were so many electrical components and monitors that she didn't even venture to guess their usage.

The idea of two grown men eating, sleeping, and generally living in here was rather disconcerting – especially given that one of those men was Squall. If it had been someone like her and Selphie, it would have been plausible. Though, if that had been the case, by now there would be pictures of friends and stickers of Chocobos and Mogs plastered for a more home-like atmosphere by now. Cid would have been absolutely thrilled with Selphie's redecoration process; Rinoa could only chuckle at the mental image.

After adjusting the seat, she started the van and then finally drove it out of the parking lot. Before leaving the house, Rinoa had grabbed her garage remote. Luckily, she had a two car garage, which, until this point, the second space had been a rather wasted investment. She guessed that the van would barely fit lengthwise but it would keep it off the streets at least, plus all Garden's mobile resources would only be a few steps away. Honestly, she believed that living in here would be difficult, though she doubted the 'van from hell' quite lived up to the name it was unluckily knighted. It was more likely that the 'hell' was in reference to stress and the combination of its inhabitants.

On her short journey back, she found that there was a newfound excitement in her mood. Of course, she loved her job, but there was a nostalgic feeling about working with the guys. This mission was quite a bit different from Ultimecia. Honestly, saving a few politicians was unlike saving the world. Five years ago, the group's strength lied in their physical abilities more so than their mental ones, but now the opposite held true. She believed that the maturity and experience gained throughout the years would be vital, but most importantly, they would be doing this together.

Maybe she was finally finding her way through the haze. There may be more ups and downs, but the fog was starting to lift. She had been so lost last night even before her former knight's arrival; the whole evening was a whirlwind of uncharted discoveries. Edea had said that the sudden severing of connection between sorceress and knight could possibly drive her mad, but what about a sudden reconnection? Could that too cause instability? Could her mood swings and emotional lapses be rooted in such? Still, for the first time in quite a while, she discovered an optimism that had not been felt in quite some time.

It was as if their future was once again left unwritten, that there were no scripts to follow but only endless possibilities.

* * *

After Rinoa left to shower, Squall took that opportunity to grab a bite of food. Searching through cabinets, he found a frying pan and then grabbed a few eggs from the refrigerator. It was great to be eating something other than pre-packaged meal rations or sticking his hand in a bag of Zell's annoying chips. Nobody could chomp as loud as his comrade, although maybe it was merely magnified by the silence that was usually found between them. It was annoying as hell. The commander made a mental note to ban Zell from any and all foods that had the either of the words crunchy or crispy printed on the outside.

Still, it was a welcome change to be in kitchen semi-stocked with food. She didn't have an overabundance, but it was definitely a great deal more than his few scattered items. Lauren often complained about his lack of sustenance. He angered at that thought - not at Lauren, it wasn't her fault, but at himself for letting his 'relationship' even get to that point. It was easy to look back at his mistakes now, but at time, it seemed almost like a dependence.

He tried to shake the thought from his head; here he was standing in Rinoa's kitchen and he was still fixated on the past. Then again, he didn't exactly want to focus on the fact that, by all accounts, Rinoa had a date tonight, as that notion was no more comforting. Hell, in a perfect world, he would have somehow set up Lauren and Zone so he and Rinoa could just go on with their own damned lives.

Again, he tried to push the thought of Zone out of his mind. Maybe he should just focus on the annoying fact that she only had multigrain rye bread rather than his preferred white, but somehow her choice of breads was only a minor inconvenience his life… unlike the fact that Zone seemed to be intent on offering her muffins, coffee, and ill-timed dates.

Maybe he had seen only the worst in humanity, but he couldn't help but feel uneasy about the whole situation. He had tried his best to leave some issues behind, only thinking about the future, about the mission, but this Zone thing had been something in the back of his mind since their first run-in aboard the Timber Owl's base. Sitting at the table, he ate the eggs and then started to pick at his toast; he was still hungry but had now lost his appetite. He didn't have much time to contemplate this much further as he heard her walking down the stairs.

Turning, he wanted to smile as she came into view, but decided against it. It just felt so natural to be there, to see her emerge from the stairway as if they had been together a lifetime. Her hair was once again pulled into a ponytail, something he remembered that she often did when she was in a hurry, a habit that appeared not to have changed. Even in a green t-shirt and jeans, she seemed to carry that air of grace, the one he remembered from their first dance. He didn't say anything as she walked across the room to a desk, grabbing something from a drawer. She then made her way to an end table, picking up the van keys she had set there earlier.

"I'm heading out." Her wording was short; she seemed to be avoiding any trace of emotion. "Take a shower in the master bedroom if you want, everything is already in there."

He nodded, not knowing how to respond.

"I'll be ready to start when I get back."

Squall almost asked, "Start what?" but then realized that she meant working on the case. Between this attitude and her earlier embrace, he was utterly confused, yet, he couldn't blame her. Nobody should have to go through the emotional rollercoaster she had been on in the last few weeks.

The commander had also caught what she had told Zone earlier, about running in the street and looking up at the rain. That was part of the reason Rinoa gave her friend about changing her mind about going into work today. Squall knew that she was telling the truth, something had happened _before_ his arrival. He had also seen the fresh scrape on the back of her heel, although she never mentioned it. There was more to this than she was letting on and he would not push her, rather simply try to understand her reactions.

He had worn masks long enough in life, he knew the signs.

He also knew of the times where she let the walls slip, the times when he could see the real her behind the mask. That was Rinoa. That was the person who accepted his hand earlier, the one who had later reached out to him. She was dealing with the emotional conflict in her own way, he accepted that. He had lived _that._

As soon as she walked out the front door, he immediately headed up the stairs. There was an enigmatic need to be out of the shower by the time she returned. He couldn't explain his reasoning or need, but it just felt as if that time with her would be important to their future. They would be working together; he wanted to use that chance to move forward in a positive light.

In the following minutes, he took a record-setting shower in his book, but even though in a hurry, he still took a moment to dry his hair. Again, wet hair annoyed him for some obscure reason. Heading down stairs he felt himself actually looking forward to working on this mission. Ironically, it was a mission that he had been opposed to from the start, strange how his fate had worked out in this instance. But fate still owed him a few…

Once downstairs, he moved her coffee and the muffin bag to the table in her dining area. This way, everything would be ready when she returned. Knowing that she had hadn't had time to eat this morning, she would most likely be hungry. Even if he despised everything that stupid muffin represented, he knew that she would love it. Plus, it had to be better than that rye toast sitting idly on the table.

As eating proved difficult, he decided to be prepared from a work standpoint. Although most of his supplies were currently in the van, he felt that it wouldn't hurt to have a few necessities handy. Not to mention that he wanted to scribble down a few random thoughts that had been bouncing around in his head. All right, maybe his idea of making notes was to appear to be more in command than he was…he just wanted her to see a different side to his abilities, as he was more than a mercenary with a gunblade. She knew his fighting capabilities, but she had never truly seen his more logical side – their paths had never crossed in that aspect.

He looked around to her desk, the one that she had retrieved the garage door opener from. It was most likely the place where he would find a notebook and pen besides the den, and he damned well knew that he wasn't going to wake up Zell for that.

In a quick search, he found a pad of paper and a pencil, although the pencil's tip seemed to be broken off. He looked around for a sharpener, figuring it would most likely be in a drawer. He opened the top one, picking up a calculator and scooting a few pieces of paper out of the way.

His search seemed to be vain but right before he closed the door, he stopped and wondered if one could be in the back, as the antique desk drawer didn't seem to open completely. He had no idea what possessed him to search further back; he should have known that fate would never let him go that easily. Reaching his hand toward the back, he attempted to feel around for a sharpener and-

…He abruptly stopped.

It was familiar and frightening, it was an answer to a question that he hadn't dared to ask, and most importantly, it was knowledge that could never be undone. Maybe its discovery was fate's cruel sense of humor, meant to be found by him, no matter the way. His fingers traced over the fabric that his senses recognized easily. He really didn't want to confirm his findings, but in the same aspect, he needed to be certain - there would be no more possibility of denial in his mind then.

His fingers clutched the velvet container. Holding his breath, in one fluid motion, he pulled it from the drawer only to see that ever-familiar box. He didn't have to look any further; he didn't need to see the ring. He knew. Yet, that morbid part of him wanted to somehow curse himself even more. Before his brain could comprehend the motion, his fingers snapped open the box.

Rinoa had the engagement ring.

She knew another of his failures.

In every way, it was meant to be hers; only its delivery and date were significantly askew.

The grinding sound of the garage door opening made his body tense; she had returned from getting the van. This couldn't happen. Not now. Rinoa couldn't know that he knew – when the hell did this all get so damn complicated?

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Eight: That Which Survives _ **

* * *

As the sound of garage door opening started to subside, so did the shock brought on by Squall's discovery. The commander quickly returned to that familiar military guise, the one that had become automatic to his nature.

Squall knew only one thing as a certainty: he couldn't be found anywhere near this damned ring. He had to erase all evidence being at, or even anywhere near, the desk. There were too many unknowns factored into their relationship. Until he believed that the fractures could be repaired, he didn't want to add any more variables into the equation.

He returned the paper and pencil back to their original positions, or as close as he could recall. Hurriedly, he walked back to the kitchen, spying the empty coffee pot. His next attempt at acting nonchalant was comical at best, trying to figure out how to put the damn water in the coffee maker. Leave it Rinoa to buy some hi-tech coffee-making device that confounded his mechanical abilities.

He heard the door open just as he finally figured out how to put water in the reservoir.

"…_It_'s here," she drawled out, "- and gotta say, not the demonic vehicle I pictured, but then again, I was only a mere passenger within its evil grasp."

He was surprised yet again by her change in demeanor or maybe the van from hell had an adverse effect on her.

"Try living in it with Zell, then get back to me."

"Yeah…no. Plus, have to let you know, it doesn't smell like roses."

The commander chuckled in a slightly nervous fashion. There was a part of him that wondered just how bad it was, as when confined within its demonic bowels, one didn't notice the odor. He felt overly aware of just how bad it possibly could be – he did leave Zell alone for a good period of time after all who knows what could have happened in that time. Apparently, Rinoa was getting to see another side of him, the messy-roommate sort of side. Great.

"I'm going to hang the keys up here in case you need them."

Rinoa pointed to the wooden sign with metal hooks protruding from the base; it was hung just beside the door to the garage.

After putting the keys up, she continued, "See, it's conveniently labeled 'keys' in case you forget what goes there." Her entire tone was in a lighthearted fashion, again a contrast to her departure. "Watts' wife bought him a bunch of woodworking stuff for his birthday one year. Then he went crazy making signs, hence why I have one labeled 'spoons' in the kitchen, 'bills' in the den, and 'towels' in the bathroom. He does have a commanding knowledge of the obvious…and wood apparently."

"Maybe if I get in his good graces I could have him make me an oversized one that says 'gunblade.' No home is complete without one."

"Maybe," she smiled briefly at his response, as it was unexpected in a way. She caught whiff of the coffee, a much better smell than her last experience. "You made a fresh pot – good."

"Don't forget Zone brought you coffee…_and a muffin_." It wasn't meant sarcastic, but somehow any time Squall mentioned her friend, his inflection seemed to naturally change.

"It'll need to warm up." She shrugged, knowing this was rather uncomfortable all around. They both found themselves staring at that stupid paper bag as she took a seat.

"Still Squall, can't blame the muffin in all of this… it's innocent. As is the toast you apparently dissected…" She glanced at the plate of his picked-over toast directly across the table. "It's always the poor baked goods trapped in the middle."

It was now his turn to take a seat in front of his plate. "You know, Zell had a similar speech about meat byproducts, you two should trade notes."

"Meat? I thought he gave that up."

"He did…such is the beauty in his words."

"This doesn't mean I have to give up muffins right? Because honestly, I'm slightly addicted here. Don't make me have to eat these under the cover of darkness."

He smiled. Again, it was so natural to be here, to be talking to her. He knew that they joked around like this before, but usually conversations this lighthearted were few and far between. He had made a promise to himself after they broke up - that he would never forget what she taught him. It was harder than hell at times, but he always tried to learn from the past. It had never been more evident than at the wedding, but he still managed to keep his promise.

"No, you don't have to give up anything, promise… your secret is safe with me."

Just as her hand had started to reach into the bag, she froze. He had not meant his response in that way, but now, it was all that she could think about. The guilt that had been bothering her seemed just to swell over. He was joking, but she wasn't…his secret had not been safe with her.

His demons were going to come to light, and it was her fault.

Heart racing, she moved the bag from view and found the strength to look into his eyes. He had no idea what she had done back in Balamb. He wanted to move forward and if there were any chance in that, she couldn't let him find out from another of their friends, or worse yet, from the headmaster.

"Squall, I told Selphie and Quistis…they know the truth."

In some twisted and unexpected rational, the fact that his friends knew the truth came as a relief to the commander. It was a burden he had carried internally for years and the weight had almost been suffocating at times. Still, he managed – survival had become his greater goal, to make the sacrifice of others have meaning. His biggest regret upon hearing the revelation was that he had unwittingly put the burden of his weakness upon someone else once again. Yet again, Rinoa was left to clean up his faults.

The truth should have come from him years ago but the courage had always been just out of grasp. At some point, he could have almost believed the cover-up as fact, as in a perfect world, it would have been reality.

It was easier to start to believe in the lie than remember the truth.

Still, upon hearing that his friends knew, this emotional relief wasn't what Squall had envisioned feeling for himself – maybe a mixture of guilt, defensiveness, and anger, but never any form of solace. It brought him back to what he had thought about Rinoa earlier, about her wearing certain masks… The commander had lived with the disguise for so long that he had started to forget exactly what was underneath. Maybe the truth of what lied beneath needed confrontation.

And honestly, he could live with that.

He knew that it wouldn't be easy but it might have been the only way to move forward. Maybe that was a fact he had also known since Garden's first step toward deception and that it just took him this long to understand that he had always blindly followed their lead without much question. He tried to believe that they had his best interests at heart, now he questioned their sincerity. Sure, they had helped him - he wouldn't have made it this far without the headmaster's unwavering support.

Many years ago, he couldn't have accepted his failures, now he could. It was a matter of time, a matter of perspective. It was also gaining some of that maturity which had been forced onto him prematurely. As a teenager, he wasn't ready for both the responsibility and the accountability, but, that fact didn't seem to matter. Back then, Garden needed him, Rinoa needed him, and something, _sometime_, would have to give.

…And by God, it had.

"Say something, please?" Rinoa urged, fighting back her own breakdown. It was the stillness that was slowly tearing away at her. At one point, she was used his grim silence, but right now, each second that passed felt like a step closer to her own perdition.

For his part, Squall hadn't meant to remain quiet; it was instinctual at that point. Still, he knew that she wasn't the one to blame. Her actions had always gone beyond what should have been asked of anyone. Again, he strangely wasn't upset – that is what was the most puzzling about this revelation.

"You've done more than anyone should ever ask-" he began, but abruptly stopped, noticing her eyes were downcast, no longer able to look at him. This wasn't her burden to bear alone; she should have never faced this guilt. "Rinoa."

By simply stating her name, she understood his implied request; she obliged by finding the will to look up at him again.

Offering a weak smile, he continued, "It's all right. Honestly… I feel relieved that I'm not alone in this anymore. Please don't ask me to explain that, because…I can't."

She believed him; moreover, she had always believed_ in _him. As much hostility and anger she tried to deny in the past, she had never stopped believing in the person that he was inside.

"Rinoa, I could never ask more of you… I've denied it long enough. You and I… we're both tired. Maybe now we can begin to rest now… all right?"

She nodded without answering, but their eyes remained locked.

He picked at the crust of his toast, if only for the act of keeping his fingers occupied. "If Selphie knows, I'm sure Irvine does… I wouldn't expect her to keep something like that from him."

"Yeah…" she answered hesitantly.

He sighed, pushing the plate away. "When Zell wakes up, I'll tell him…might as well get it all out in the open."

"Are you sure?"

Rinoa was surprised by the way he said that so nonchalantly. There seemed to be no emotion behind it, either positive or negative.

He shrugged and looked down at the empty spot on the table. Opening up was still a scary prospect and he didn't know how the martial artist would react. It needed to be done, as there was redemption in the truth.

"Honestly, yes, I'm sure…"

Squall stopped glaring at the table long enough to once again make eye contact. "I think in some roundabout way, I need to tell someone myself. I think it's part of the process… Cid told you, you told the others and yet, I've not been able to admit it to anyone. It's a chain that needs to be broken and well, Zell…I want to be the one to tell him. He's been as annoying as hell the last few weeks, but he's been a good friend over the last few years. He's been there for me every step of the way. I can't look past that. He deserves to hear the truth from me."

In an afterthought, he added, "Everyone did…"

She heard his last words, but it was not the time to dwell on the 'what ifs' of life. Rinoa smiled as she began, "I suppose it sounds corny of me to say how proud I am of how you're handling this. I mean, some things about you seem so much different over the last few years, but some parts of you, like your heart, seem to remain the same. It was that part of you that I first fell in love with... just know I'm here if you need anything."

After making the offer, she had surprised herself at her choice of words. She had not thought about what she was saying; her honesty had just flowed naturally. Somewhere in that sentence, she had inadvertently used the word _love_. She quickly realized how that may have been interpreted from his end – whether that was her intention or not remained to be seen.

Half an hour ago, she all but ignored him, now she was offering her support and throwing words haphazardly around like 'love.' Then again, she knew that this is how their relationship should have always been. Maybe they needed this perspective; maybe things were just starting to fall back into their given place.

"I know you're here for me. That's why I can do it," he replied simply.

After some awkward silence, he stood there with his hand motioning toward the garage. "So what do you say I show you around our humble abode of the last few weeks? Trust me, the grand tour won't last long. Then I can give you all the information we've gathered… what little we have. Truthfully, we're kind of just shooting in the dark, trying to hit on something. This isn't exactly something common for us."

She looked up at him smiling. "That's a really interesting analogy, given the circumstances of the mission." He even had to even chuckle at irony in his statement. There was nothing funny about the murders, yet some times, the humor was a needed crutch.

It was good to hear him laugh, even slightly. "Make you a deal, Mr. Commander, sir. Let me finally sit and eat this muffin, grab some coffee so I can get some caffeine flowing through my bloodstream, and well… frantically search for some air freshener and then I'll be right there."

* * *

It didn't take Rinoa long to finish her small list of requests, even the air freshener was located with ease. Before she'd arrived, Squall had opened most of the doors to the van, the driver's side and the duel backdoors, to help air it out. He had also cleaned _most_ of Zell's mess up; once again, mentally adding to the list of things permanently banned from the vehicle. At one point, the commander almost asked Rinoa if she had a small vacuum to clean the crumbs, but decided to let it go for the time being. She had seen the more rigorous side of him, it was best to make the most of their time together.

…Well, that would be until the martial artist woke up, then_ he_ could ask if she had a vacuum – Squall may have been more passive in general, but he was still in command.

After finally getting to the van, which surprisingly had no traces of the earlier odor, Rinoa took a seat on the floor, attempting to use the two sleeping bags as padding. She tried to make a 'nest' out of the few comfort supplies in there though the task proved somewhat difficult. Ignoring the cumbersomeness, and forgetting the pain her back would eventually suffer, she waited for Squall to take the lead. It was his case after all; she had just become part of by chance. Though, truthfully, she couldn't picture a place she'd rather be right now – well, maybe not on the floor, but definitely with him.

At that very moment, her mind unexpectedly flashed back to the intimacy of last night; those were memories she had successfully tried to suppress until now. Not the meaningful discussions in her bedroom, but the more carnal acts in the rain. She suddenly remembered the awareness her body felt, every sensation foreign over the last few years. Her body seemed to remember last night on its own accord and she could feel her cheeks blush at the images. Rinoa intently watched every motion his hands made as they shuffled through some files; she could vividly recall how rough and callous hands were so tender against her bare skin.

"Here."

She jumped from her daydream as he turned to face her, offering her several of the files he had just been searching through.

"…Ah, thanks," she replied, somewhat winded. The last thing she needed to think about was the man sitting only an arm's length away, especially after the way her body seemed to be responding right now.

"You all right?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. Her reaction to the files seemed off. Honestly, her entire demeanor seemed a little more rigid than we she first arrived at the van.

"Fine," Rinoa replied a little too quickly as she snatched the files from him, purposely avoiding looking at both his eyes and hands.

"I'm sorry if I did anything…"

Squall wasn't sure why his first response was to offer an apology, nor could he even begin to guess what he had done that would warrant another apology. He had barely spoken to her since she walked into the van. Still, it was better to be safe than sorry, he supposed, even if he didn't understand what the root cause of her behavior may be.

"No, no…it's all right. You have nothing to apologize for," she reassured without elaboration.

Now she felt like a fool again. The sorceress didn't exactly want to tell him where her mind had accidentally wandered; dredging up that subject might prove rather uncomfortable, especially because Zell was asleep and they were basically alone in the van. It would be so easy…

She literally smacked herself on the forehead with the folders, warranting a very curious look by the commander. Squall's eyes narrowed in confusion; he was at a complete loss about the motivations behind her rather bizarre actions.

"You know, I'm just really out of it after everything," she admitted with embarrassment. "It's hard to think that you're actually sitting there - alive."

Well, while her statement held true, it wasn't exactly the reason for her latest round of mood swings. She wondered how long she could use her 'surprise' as an excuse, she doubted that it could for much longer.

"Just…never mind. Treat me like I'm a colleague on a mission right now. Anything you need, I'll be gladly willing to do…" She swore she was blushing more with every verbal misstep. "I mean, if there is anything mission-related you need, let me know."

Staring blankly at her for a moment, Squall, for the briefest of seconds, thought that maybe there was a deeper meaning by her abnormal behavior, but dismissed it just as quickly. It was wishful thinking on his end and all… Rinoa had been rather temperamental since their reunion, but again, he could never blame her for that – this just felt _different._

Honestly, he felt it would be best just to put this rather odd exchange behind them and continue working forward. So taking her advice, he began to catch her up on the case. Pointing toward the general direction of the files in her hand, he began.

"Those are the five known fatalities. I'd like you to read through each of the files and see if you can come up with anything the victims have in common. I'm hoping there's something obvious Zell and I are overlooking."

"Your file isn't here?" She noticed, leafing through the stack.

"No, it's not. Do you want it? I left it out, I guess..." The commander was hoping to avoid bringing it into the mix, but he would surrender if it necessary. There were certain things she didn't need to see in print, especially since her name was falsely brought into it. He didn't want to tell her but he didn't want to _not_ tell her either.

"Rinoa, it's not truthful… Some major details are left out and some are purposely incorrect. I think you know me better than anything you would see in there... And truthfully, I don't want you to hold anything in print against a possibility of some sort of future. It's not important…not to _us_."

Reaching over, the commander picked up a lone folder and started to hand it to her. In a split second, she made the call, putting up her right hand dismissively.

"It's all right, I know you well enough. I can always just ask you a question if I have to, right?"

"Anything you need to know."

He couldn't cover his sense of relief. Still, this milestone was not something to dwell on; he turned back around, facing the monitor and left Rinoa to study the folders.

She noticed that he had handed her the files in order of known (or estimated) date of death. Apparently, that was what his hands were doing while she had been momentarily transfixed on them. The first filed she opened, the one on top, brought back a familiarity. Rinoa could recall when Laguna first told her about the death of this particular Estharian aide; the man was killed just a few weeks before Selphie and Irvine's wedding. She remembered how choked up the president became when he tried to talk about it at the reception. He said it was like losing a family member, little did anybody see the foreshadowing in his statement.

Again, at that point in time, there was no connection to a serial killer. William Koenig was just thought to be the unfortunate victim of a home invasion – a man in the wrong place at the wrong time. That fact later turned out to be quickly rebutted by later findings. Koenig's death was very much premeditated; it was not the random act of human depravity. Of course, the connection between all known victims, besides being in various aspects of politics, remained an on-going mystery.

It turned out upon later examination, that although they believed the Koenig's death to be the first, there had been another 'accident' that predated it which had apparently started the gruesome pattern. Two weeks before aide's death, a prestigious lobbyist, Patrick Spiner, from Deling was killed by buckshot on the Monterosa Plateau in central of Galbadia. It was originally chalked up to be a tragic hunting accident but, since further evidence surfaced, it was later discovered to fall under this assailant's political motivations. The lack of notable pattern also is what made this man so dangerous - nothing fit into a specific mold. By themselves, the deaths appeared to be unrelated but, put into a broader scope, one could see their abstract pattern.

Those were the first two victims as supported by the evidence.

The third man was Christopher Pegg, one who was also originally overlooked until all the facts were connected. He was a technical advisor to the World Council. Mr. Pegg was killed in Deling City in an alleged robbery/mugging. At that time, he had been in town on a short fact-finding assignment from his homeland of Dollet. The local authorities thought he had died when he tried to fight his attacker.

His body was discovered in a back alley – an alley with a reputation all its own. Since there was some 'illicit and scandalous' behavior possibly involved, and he had been a chief advocate of family values, the details were hushed to the public. Pegg was also the first not to have a specific loyalty to a country, rather an organization that promoted world unity – ironically the opposite of Squall, who belonged to a group that was more or less sold to the highest bidder.

The world's view of Garden was varied among the public due to their natural lack of making any political loyalties. Still, many believed the need for mercenaries and security in the private sector – this fact only fueled the division among nations. The fact that they also saved the world once certainly didn't hurt their supporters' cause. However, many thought they had run their course and only served to promote war for financial gain.

The fourth known victim was Terik Beltran, a well respected cabinet member from Deling City; he was shot in what was supposed to resemble a possible hit in a drive-by shooting. That occurred only a day or two before Zell and Squall were deployed to the peace conference in Dollet. It was also the deciding factor which led Balamb's leaders to hire SeeD as bodyguards in the first place.

The fifth man was Avery Siddig, the body who most recently washed up on the shores of Dollet. He was shot presumably a week or two before the failed attempt on Squall's life. The original reports had believed that his time of death was sooner, but he had been on holiday, so there had been some complications in the timeline. The coroner's details had proved otherwise, however.

The fact that his body had been in the water had severely deterred preliminary information. The cause of death was a single shot to the base of the skull; it was an expert shot, supposedly made by the cover of night.

The sixth causality would have been Squall, if not by the benevolent will of destiny. But as far as the world knew, he was sixth, and most notable, casualty.

There was a very disturbing trend emerging as the body count started to rise - the killer had managed to shot his first three victims in just over a four-month span, but his last three (including Squall) were all within the course of about four days – a much bolder move on his part.

* * *

A few hours had passed in a relatively silent fashion between Squall and Rinoa. The longest conversational exchange was when Rinoa finally tired of their arrangements, went inside and brought out several items to redo the makeshift 'nest' from earlier. This would have annoyed Squall under any other circumstances as SeeDs didn't need to be comfortable, but he would excuse it from her. She wasn't exactly here by choice and, just because he wasn't overly comfortable was not a good enough reason for her to have to physically suffer too.

"Hey, thought I might find you two out here."

Rinoa looked up from the latest manila folder, offering Zell a smile. She was glad for the slight break, as reading about the known details of these men's lives was getting her nowhere. "Get enough sleep? It's only noon, figured you'd be out longer."

He shrugged her comment off as he jumped into the back of van. "Nah, I just needed a few hours. I did get some sleep last night, just not _good_ sleep. So, did I miss the huge breakthrough? Is this over?"

"Not yet," Squall began, looking up from his notebook, "I've just given her the case files to look over. Figured we'd have a brainstorming session when you woke up."

"Wonderful... Oh, I contacted Cid on the cell and he still wants to talk to you directly. You're supposed to call him when you get a chance."

"Well, now is not my _chance_. Suppose I can't put him off forever, but I can put him off in the near future."

Zell and Rinoa exchanged a curious glances; each knew that the commander most likely didn't have any aspirations of calling his superior. Squall would wait until it was either an absolute necessity or the group had some sort of solid lead.

In turn, the headmaster didn't seem to be pushing Squall either, as all internal communication seemed to be relayed through Zell. Given the commander's disobedience and Garden's need to keep the commander in tow, it seemed as if the two commanding parties were at a stalemate – with Zell elected as the pawn in their mental chess game.

The martial artist knew to leave the message at that, experience having taught him that much. Taking the seat next to Squall, he had to address Rinoa's additions to their otherwise vile sanctuary on wheels.

"Rin, love the changes you made. See, a few hours in here and you've already made 'the van from hell' a little less hellish."

"A beanbag, blankets, and fluffy pillows can have that effect. I tried sitting on the metal floor… it didn't last long."

The martial artist laughed, he knew that all too well. "Just promise me if Squall and I are forced to go on the road that we can take a few_ minor _decorations with us… like you know, the beanbag, the pillows, and blankets. If you have a twin size air mattress - that would also be much appreciated by a grateful nation." He paused, looking at her hopefully, "Really, do you?"

"Sorry, don't have an air mattress and hope you're kidding about the gratitude, but feel free to take whatever you guys want – any food in the kitchen is also included in the deal."

"Did I mention I love you?"

"Yes, I believe that came up earlier." She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and went back to the seemingly useless task of studying files.

This was going to be a_ very long_ afternoon.

 

* * *

** _Chapter Thirty-Nine: Once More Unto the Breach _ **

* * *

Though the martial artist would have loved to continue the discussion of fluffy pillows and edible food, but he thought it best to check in with the commander. Darn his irritating sense of duty and all; it was now conflicting with his irritating need for the finer things in life, such as beanbags. Someday, somewhere, his duty would be centered around overstuffed beanbags.

Sadly, today would not be that day…

Zell wanted to see if anything new had been established while he was asleep. Glancing over the commander's shoulder, he noticed that Squall had scribbled a few key words down on paper. From what the martial artist could gather, his friend had largely printed the four 'W's' normally associated with journalism at the bottom. For some reason, this who, what, when, where, and why approach amused Zell immensely.

"Squall, seriously man, you aren't interviewing the dude. Let me help fill in the blanks for you - save you hours of countless wondering. _Who:_ a guy who doesn't like politicians. _What: _a person…who doesn't like politicians. _When_: he probably doesn't like them all the time, most likely. _Where:_ apparently, he doesn't like them everywhere – seems not to be discriminate by country. _Why:_ well, my guess is that they did something he didn't like. There… Does that narrow it down?"

Squall didn't answer verbally, only glared at him with what Zell believed to be a small growl.

"A person that doesn't like politicians… isn't that about 90% of the population?" Rinoa chimed in, laughing at Zell's musings. He was always good for some totally random and utterly unique way of looking at life.

"Unfortunately, yes, and under that theory, I have to put my own name onto the suspect list," added Squall with a sour tone. "Seems to me that the basic questions still apply to this case - as it would a reporter seeking a story."

The commander would defend his theory; it was a matter of pride at this point. Truthfully, he had just written the words without much thought, more of a random doodling than anything else. Luckily, Rinoa also seemed to side with him, which in and of itself was slight marvel.

"I think it would work if you look beyond the _very insightful_ answers Zell gave. I mean, take the 'who' for example - you know this guy has the ability to accurately shoot guns and have access to different makes. Who would most likely have that skill and the access?"

"…Military?" Zell replied in all seriousness.

"Or police… he's obviously had training," Squall added, following this line of thought.

"Or _she_," Rinoa corrected.

"Fine," Squall replied with frustration, narrowing his eyes in disgust again. "He _or she_ has obviously had training with several types of weapons."

Rinoa smiled for the small victory in the battle for equality, though her comment had little to do with that. It was more to see if she could get a rise out of Squall.

Seeing his ex-girlfriend's victorious smirk, the commander quickly realized that this was going to be a long, irritating afternoon with these two – God, he didn't realize how much he missed this.

After Rinoa's small victory, Squall knew that they needed to get back to the task at hand. He honestly felt as if they were accomplishing something - he just didn't exactly know what. The fact this assailant had to be proficiently trained to use a sniper rifle was the biggest break yet. Why they hadn't looked into that direction until now, he didn't know. Other groups at Garden may have already taken this route, but he felt as if the three of them had an advantage – a lifelong bond, not to mention their unique sense of teamwork.

Before now, the two SeeDs had been so focused on the funeral that they didn't really take the time to see the larger picture. Not to mention, the commander had another subject that his mind was constantly wandering to… Now, his mind still wandered at times, but having 'the subject' sitting next to him made all the difference in the world.

Maybe Squall's 'who, what, why' list could yet be the breakthrough they needed. At least, that is how the commander decided to see it; it was only by chance that his notes had brought them to this point. At the very least, his journalistic logic opened a line of communication between the three.

Rinoa shifted back to the file of the first victim - the one who had been killed by buckshot. As far as she could recall, buckshot was commonly used in hunting and, since it was the first known victim, there may have been some sort of connection.

"I was wondering, because of the buckshot, could the killer possibly be some sort of hunter? Or someone who collects or deals weapons?"

Zell shrugged as he eyed the commander; he wanted to gauge his response. "Could just be a weekend sportsman, which would bring us back to hunter."

Squall had to disagree. Although he was not an expert on guns by any means, he did have a great deal of knowledge about the subject. "At one point, buckshot was pretty much used to be for bigger game, but over the years, it's become pretty commonplace for use in both riot and combat shotguns. So my bet is still someone who's served in some military or police force."

The commander studied the 'cheat sheet' Zell created a few days back again. Along with the personal information of the victims, the paper also listed basic facts about the weaponry used. The commander had to admit that it was helpful as reference but he just wouldn't say that outwardly. As right now, if he gave Zell an inch, the martial artist would take a mile.

"Here," Squall handed the paper to Rinoa for her to examine, and then continued, "Just look at the list of weapons used: pistol, revolver, shotgun, submachine gun, and both a bolt action and a semi automatic version of a sniper rifle…again, the latter most likely with night vision. We're talking about someone trained in different styles of weaponry with some sort of access to them. Not one duplicate in the group. Plus, some of these weapons shouldn't even be in the general public. Not saying they aren't, just that they _shouldn't_ be... That type of submachine gun is usually used in the private military sector."

"You mean private military… as in SeeD?" questioned Rinoa.

She was shocked that he would even hint at such thing, although it seemed a very real possibility. It seemed to be one of those things known, but left unsaid between the three of them – a worse case scenario.

"Can't rule it out at this point. We never really looked in that direction," admitted the commander, "never really wanted to either… I suppose it's hard to believe it could be one of our own."

"You know what I really don't get about this whole thing sniper thing. I mean, this guy…_or girl,_" Zell eyed Rinoa with a devilish grin as he made the verbal correction, "managed to shoot Siddig at night, hitting his spinal cord, I mean, in a very specific place, in a single shot? Then he changes his MO again, which alone isn't surprising given the _all-overness _of this asshole, but the initial shot on Squall that missed kinda does stand out… Why, in the daylight, is the easier, closer shot missed? The first bullet landed in my damn shoulder… and I wasn't even standing directly next to you or anything… I mean, he was obviously using some type of night scope thingy to kill Siddig, but still, that back of the skull shot takes skill and accuracy, while hitting my arm… not so much."

"That's actually a very good point." The commander remained impressed with Zell's vigilance, though again, it was better to keep the accolades until after the mission was over.

"What would cause him to miss his target from a shorter range?" Rinoa asked, looking toward the martial artist.

In an on-going and very annoying habit, Zell cracked his knuckles as he pondered her question. His earlier reasoning may have been on the mark, but his guess as to the 'why' was rather wide open.

He glanced over to Squall, who seemed to be more tolerant in general as of late. It was nice not to have his friend not be the bundle of explosive nerves that he had been a few days ago; Rinoa had a way of keeping him balanced. Not to mention, in Zell's opinion, this detour was now responsible for the awesomeness that was made of beanbags and oversized blankets. Apparently, just being in the vicinity of fluffy pillows helped the group's entire thought process.

Zell finally replied, "How about the sun? Maybe something reflected it into the shooter's eyes? Our report states the rifle used to hit us was a semi-automatic… maybe the shooter wasn't as familiar with the make? Maybe all the training was on the bolt action one? Or possibly the gun momentarily jammed?"

"Or what if someone disrupted the shot?" Rinoa jumped trying to offer another possibility. "For example, let's say this guy was in apartment for example and someone knocked? Though…I think your idea of the reflection theory may be best. That would explain why he did better at night than during the day. It kinda makes sense."

Squall sat back, listening to the duo's conversation. It seemed that this exchange was mainly between Zell and Rinoa. He was glad that both had made some reasonable and valid points. The leader inside of him wanted to see how far they could take this without his contribution.

Rinoa sighed in aggravation, leaning back into the beanbag. "We need an expert in guns… we need Irvine."

"Wait, he's a SeeD, has the ability, training and access, plus the guy hates politicians." Zell jokingly stated. "He fits all the criteria!"

"That's not even funny." Rinoa quickly interjected, feigning disgust.

…And now the leader could no longer remain silent. Unfortunately, the conversation had just made a left turn into the absurd and bypassed all reasonable logic.

"Let's drop it. Plus, Irvine may hate politicians, but he likes me."

"So you think," Zell countered in jest. Of course, he had never been serious about the cowboy's guilt, but at times, humor was a needed break. "You know Squall, he's still mad you fired that Carl guy from the cafeteria… the dude who made that mesquite barbeque sauce. I think Irvine still cries a little inside every time he sees a naked, sauce-less chicken wing."

"Again, _not _Irvine," Squall stated firmly, "We can account for his whereabouts, plus he wouldn't dare face the wrath of Selphie. She's downright frightening when angered. No man would purposely dare face that fury."

"Point very taken," Zell agreed. There were no known words to describe an angry Selphie…no adjective could express the unearthly terror.

"Back to the case, before the baseless allegations of sauce-less chicken wings came up…" Although the theory was a comical antidote, the commander wanted to revisit earlier points. "I agree that it's most likely somebody with experience and access to guns – possibly went through sniper training. That should be a decent jumping off point. If he does feel more comfortable with a bolt action rifle, we need to find out which country or countries that it's standard. We need to look back at least two decades… This person could easily be no longer in active service. Someone with such a political statement is either directly involved in the process or has been around enough to understand the inner workings of a bureaucracy."

The martial artist shook his head. It was _something_, but in the grander scheme of things, it was very little. "Squall, do you know how many people may have been trained in using sniper rifles in the last twenty years? If we took into account every local, country, and outside agency, we're still talking hundreds. As special as Irvine likes to think he is, honestly, there are still a lot of trained snipers, maybe just not as proficient."

The commander's familiar silence was the only answer to Zell's comment.

"Tch, fine, fine, I'll do the search… just want ya to know, this would have been much easier if it had been a gunblade attack. C'mon, beside those who dropped out or those currently in training, there would be a suspect list of two." Zell smirked, though again, he knew he may be playing with fire again.

"Not funny." Squall answered in annoyance. He was trying to remind himself that Zell had just proved rather useful. It would be an unproductive use of time to do any bodily harm, plus his comrade did have one useable arm, though he had held his own a few days before. Still, the commander bit his tongue, letting the comment slide… at least, for now.

"I thought it was kinda funny, but hey…" Rinoa quipped, knowing that her input was most likely not welcome in this situation.

"See, Squall, she appreciates me… you could learn from her." After it was said, Zell wished it back, the look on the commander's face spoke volumes. Again, the 'van from hell's' evil ways were starting to rear their ugly head. He needed something to regain favor, before he was eternally banished to this vehicle, and damn it, he wanted to sleep in a bed again tonight,

"You know, one thing about the killings - we seem to have victims from every country beside Fisherman's Horizon, Shumi Village, Timber, and Winhill… If this person hates politicians so much, maybe someone did something to his town? Oops, I mean his _or her_ town." Zell had corrected himself as an afterthought. "See Rinoa, I also said_ she_, political correctness and all."

"This is going to get really annoying." Rinoa realized that her small victory apparently had been very short lived; even she had not always phrased things with gender neutrality in mind while speaking. "I concede, the guy is most likely male, and until we know otherwise, let's work with the assumption that it's a he."

"The guy is most likely male… that's classic." Zell chuckled at the phrase as he repeated it under his breath.

"But back to what you were saying," Rinoa's voice rose as she tried to get them on track. "I mean, it's like how I feel protective of Timber even though I wasn't raised there. Is that what you're meaning?"

"I believe that's what he's trying to say, just not very eloquently." Squall interjected. There may be truth to Zell's reasoning, but unfortunately, it left too many variables open. "The main problem in your theory is that it leaves Deling City, Dollet, Esthar, and Balamb. That's if we're classifying Garden in the town of Balamb for argument's sake… But if you look at like that, the cities _with _casualties are equal to the cities _without_ casualties. Not much elimination."

"But, the ones she named _are_ smaller, which sorta does narrow the list down." Zell pointed out.

"Unless, again, we return to the theory they may have been trained somewhere else and then moved there," Squall rebuked. "For example, Laguna was trained as a Galbadian soldier, but lived in both Winhill and Esthar. Likely, he would not feel protective of Deling City, but rather the other two cities. So we would have to take those factors into consideration, which would be almost impossible."

"So, does that put Laguna in as a suspect?" Zell joked.

The commander glared at him irritably; that was a line he would not cross. "Watch it. _Nobody_ is even going there."

"I was joking, _geesh_, just trying to lighten the mood."

"I see why you two never accomplished anything." Rinoa mumbled, it was meant to be to herself, but somehow echoed in the van.

"No, now you see why we avoided talking. It was for safety reasons, mainly his." Squall reasoned – sadly, that statement wasn't far from the truth.

* * *

It was just after three in the afternoon. The group had been together in the van for several long, not to mention ungodly stress-ridden, hours. They had taken a lunch break, if not for hunger's sake then for sanity's. Of course, this could not go off without incident, as there was some good-ribbing banter back and forth.

It started innocently enough, Rinoa had inadvertently offered Zell a salad, thinking it was a safe bet. He, of course, had to be difficult, claiming that was such a 'clichéd thing to offer' someone who doesn't eat meat. She honestly thought he had been upset until she noticed that he could no longer control his laughter.

Zell thought that the whole situation was funny - the way she had been apologizing up and down, truly believing that she had offended him. Of course, it really was cliché, but the humor laid in the fact that he had too made the identical assumption. When he first started dating Alex, the whole concept was a little puzzling to him until he grew used to the idea. All he could do was laugh about how she reminded him of himself a few years back.

After that minor fiasco was averted, Rinoa and Squall ended up working together to make some spaghetti. Apparently, fresh pasta was a little more inviting to two people who had lived off of chips and rations over the last few weeks. The only bad part, in the commander's opinion, besides the lack of meatballs for obvious reasons, was the more tragic lack of garlic bread. He flat out refused any more of the stuff she had in the cabinet. By chance, later he later discovered that it was something that Watts' wife had dropped off, which seemed more to her character.

At least one mystery had been solved today…

For the last hour, nobody had really said anything, just a few random comments here and there. The silence reminded Zell of the atmosphere before Squall took off, though somehow, the air seemed lighter. It was hard to describe, just a feeling. Still, after nearly two weeks of awkward silence, the martial artist had this need to communicate with someone new, or rather at least _different_, in this case…

Plus, after not speaking to one of his best friends in over three years, there was so much that he was curious about. For one thing, he wasn't really sure of what she did for a living. Yes, he knew that she worked for Timber but, in that aspect, so did the conductor on the train. Sadly, Zell figured he could give a spot-on job description of the conductor's duties… not so much for hers. He assumed that she, Zone, and Watts had moved onto greener pastures since their days of running the Forest Owls, he just didn't exactly know what kind of pastures.

"Can I ask a question, Rin? Because if nobody's going to talk for the next hour, I'm going to start hitting you guys with spitballs, which will undoubtedly end badly. Plus after weeks of only having Mr. Happy around, it's good to hear someone else's voice. Guess I was kinda wondering… I know you work for Timber and the mayor and all, but what exactly is it that you do?"

"Feel free to ask all you want. Please, don't ever feel you like you can't talk, it is still me you know." Rinoa smiled, closing the file that she currently been reading, placing it to the side. She was so glad to chat for a minute; it was certainly a welcome break, especially talking about something in which she held so much pride.

"My job, huh? Well, for all intents and purposes, my job is listed officially as a consultant. While I don't currently have the degree that normally would be required, I have experience – it kinda trades and balances that out. The fact that the mayor thought I had connections worldwide, didn't hurt my cause either. I guess the mayor thought that between my dealings with the Forest Owls, Garden, Esthar… and well, General Caraway – I would be considered an asset. Even the fact that I had been to Shumi Village impressed a lot of people, as it's almost unheard of to see meet the Elder firsthand. "

She laughed for a second. "Trust me, I didn't have nearly as much influence they thought, but I didn't exactly go around screaming it either. I needed to prove I could do it, which eventually I did… it wasn't easy and not everybody felt it was fair. I really did have a lot to prove."

Squall inadvertently found himself stopping work just to listen to her speak. Something occurred to him; in some respects, her initial role in Timber's government was much like his role in Garden. They were both perceived as minor celebrities and considered valuable commodities. It wasn't as much for their work ability as the persona created in the media. In some ways, she had fallen victim to the same trap as him. The only thing was – she seemed to work her way out of the hold, he seemed to be still confined within its grasp.

He noticed something very telling about their differences - that even when talking about her past in Timber, she did so with a wistful smile. He didn't feel that way about Garden anymore and if he ever had – maybe at one time. It was all a clouded subject in his mind. He just knew that Balamb was no longer the home that he once thought it could have been.

She continued speaking with the same bright smile, "It's really kinda ironic. Honestly, I don't think Timber's government knew just how strained my relationships were with most of the world. Probably the only one place that I've ever used any positive connection with was Esthar…that was only because of my relationship with Laguna and-"

Just realizing what she said, she looked over to Squall. He seemed to sit uneasily with that comment; Rinoa could tell by his restless demeanor. It was something they hadn't talked about last night. In that moment, her heart reached out to the President of Esthar. He was still painfully caught within the lie. The man had suffered so much loss and now he was needlessly suffering again.

She couldn't dwell on that fact right now; it wouldn't help anyone. It was Squall's place to find peace with his father, not hers. She only hoped that maybe father and son could find some sort of common ground, maybe another hope born out of this tragedy.

"Sorry," she said softly in a near whisper, looking directly into the commander's eyes. "I guess that didn't come out right and that's an entirely different and unrelated topic…"

Turning back toward Zell, she tried to forge through by forcing her earlier smile, "Anyway, back to your original question, before I decided to go on some kind of tangent. The simple answer to your question is: I'm a consultant. Though, I do many things that go beyond the standard definition. It's turned into more of a liaison position over the years. I really love it and I finally feel like I'm making a difference."

"Ah, cool, I guess I get it... The important thing is you really seem to like what you do."

The martial artist scratched his head. He was never one for the political aspects of life; he much rather preferred either the physical or the mechanical sides of things. "You know, I'm thinking after this I should brush up on my 'world government' knowledge. Maybe if I understood things better, I'd understand this case better. It's all just like some foreign language to me… I'm a little lost with all the terminology."

She let out an understanding laugh, she had been there – she had _so _been there three years ago.

"Don't worry, I was the same way. When I was with the Forest Owls, everything seemed so black and white, so good and bad…it's really, really not. It's much more complicated. As far as the different titles and leaders, just think of it this way, usually all the main figureheads have the same social standing within the country."

"Yeah, think of it this way," Squall interrupted, "whether it's an autocracy, democracy, dictatorship, monarchy, republic, or any other form of leadership – it's all just self-serving bullshit."

"Thanks for calling my job bullshit." Rinoa defended her position - to hear it from Squall was rather a slap in the face.

"Sorry, wasn't thinking," he said truthfully.

Kicking himself metaphorically, he wished he had thought that sentiment through a little more before his outburst. By all technicalities, he was also placed into the 'self-serving' group – and just like most every profession, there were people who were in it for the wrong reasons. Those, of course, were usually the ones he got to deal with daily. It was not always about wealth and power; it just had been categorized that way in his mind.

"Rinoa, I know your reasons are far from selfish… that goes for several people, Laguna included. I've just dealt with the negative end so long."

Zell was surprised by Squall's comment; it was not the way to win back your former girlfriend, then again, Squall rarely followed normal protocol. That weird awkwardness returned, so he felt that it would be best to take the focus off of this little setback.

"See, out of those words Squall named, I barely recognized a few… it's like some type of complex foreign language that scares the hell out of me. But um, if either of you want to know about the inner workings of a tank locomotive or the mechanics of the Deep Research Center, I'm your guy."

"Make you a deal." Rinoa couldn't help but chuckle at his bewildered expression. "When we get out of this, I'll tutor you in government and you can return the favor by teaching me all about trains. I live in Timber so having that knowledge may be a valuable tool. I mean, I've been helping Zone on this transportation bill for ages. Maybe if I knew what you did, I wouldn't be so lost myself."

"So is that like what Zone and Watts do then? Write bills? I mean, well, not to sound rude or anything, but we kinda worked with them…and well their style is…um…unique?"

"That's probably about the kindest way you could have put it," she admitted, shaking her head.

Rinoa could see how her friends' unique style could be perceived by outsiders. To the SeeDs, it may appear like a slight miracle that both Zone and Watts escaped unscathed from the whole Ultimecia thing. Back when they worked together in the Forest Owls, their methods were slightly unorthodox, all right, _very _unorthodox. She completely understood Zell's misgivings between Zone's trips to the bathroom, Watts' overly-enthusiastic flare and use of the word 'sir,' and well, their impromptu strategy sessions on the floor, which normally led to very bad ideas…

It wasn't farfetched to question their political abilities.

Unfortunately for him, the martial artist missed the 'deadly glare' that Squall had given. The last thing the commander needed was to hear details about Zone. He truly would have much rather had a group discussion concerning his relationship with Laguna - that was how much he dreaded what would inevitably follow.

Because of this train wreck, Squall seriously contemplated banning _all_ food from the van. If Zell was too weak to speak, it would be best for everyone involved. Really.

"Also Zell, writing bills isn't technically a job - unless you count the person physically typing them on the computer, but thinking that's not what you meant. Anyway, Zone… he's the top advisor on the military end… I would almost equate it along the lines of Squall's position, just not as nearly… well, formal?"

Squall winced after hearing that – did she seriously just compare him and Zone? Even if it was only regarding their positions, it was all very uncomfortable. Maybe this was her payback for insinuating that her position was bullshit. Still, he didn't interrupt or comment; it wasn't worth it. It was better just to sit back, listen to her, and inwardly cringe every time the man's name was said.

"Timber in the last years is trying to develop a military defense… and Zone is in charge of that. People are afraid of a repeat of before, from when Galbadia invaded. The city as a whole was really unprepared… Even Dollet had soldiers that could fight back, plus they had the financial backing to hire SeeD. Which, of course, you guys know all about…Dollet fought back, while Timber found itself under a form of martial law.

"And Watts, believe it or not, went back to school and finished his degree. He's more of an official representative of Timber, having a natural ability to deal with people. I mean, think back to your first meetings – it was Zone who was skeptical and Watts who was optimistic. That attitude helped him later as it carried over into Timber's changed in government."

"Yeah, he was pretty cool to us, even back then… I felt as if Zone was irritated most of the time."

"Well, yeah, he was…but that was just his way of protecting me, as I kinda did have a habit of unwittingly getting into trouble. I wouldn't read much more into his behavior."

"Ha," scoffed Squall, although he hadn't meant to say that out loud. It was a natural reaction when thinking of the man just being overly protective.

…So much for him sitting back in silence.


	14. Is There in Truth No Beauty?, Sacrifice of Angels, and Unnatural Selection

** _Chapter Forty: Is There in Truth No Beauty?_ **

"Yeah, I'm already well-aware of your opinion on Zone," Rinoa stated, rolling her eyes as Zell let out an accidental snort.

"Whatever," the commander replied and again, he found himself saying something out of sorts. "It wouldn't shock me if he was glad I'm out of the picture. Maybe we should look into his whereabouts."

Squall had no idea what caused him to make that comment, full-well knowing how she would take it. He had tried to remain silent, but there was something just so grating about the guy, especially after hearing him earlier. There always had been…and Squall doubted it was just a case of over-protectiveness.

Rinoa tried to not let the comment get to her, but part of her felt that it was truly unnecessary coming from him. Squall had usually been able to remain objective, and Zone was one of her best friends, no matter the circumstances.

"You know how upset **you **got when Zell jokingly remarked it could have been either Irvine or Laguna? Why do you think I'd find _any_ humor in your comment? Don't make this personal."

"You're right." Squall apologized, realizing his blatant hypocrisy.

Again, he wished that he could remain indifferent toward her friend; he couldn't explain his irrational dislike. One thing he could say as a positive about Zone was that he truly had Rinoa's welfare at heart. He had always been there for her. Squall could not say the same about himself. Right now he needed to focus on Zone's redeeming qualities, not the negative ones swirling around in his mind.

"I get it." Rinoa answered in a softer tone, knowing that emotions were still fragile.

Not to mention, she just told Squall not to make it personal – and he was the one that had a bullet in his chest. She decided to follow through with her own words. "For the record, I can vouch that Zone was with me or at work on several of the dates. The day that Siddig was shot he, Watts, and I pulled an all-nighter finishing up a proposal. The three of us can all vouch for one another. So unless you want to add both Watts and myself to your list of suspects, try again."

"See, now we're accomplishing something." Zell stated, trying to lighten the otherwise tense mood. "We can official rule out Laguna, Irvine, Watts, Zone, Rinoa, Squall, and of course, me…as we were the ones shot and all. That's seven down, only a few more million to go."

One thing the martial artist learned during this mission was that within the 'van from hell' tempers, disposition and one's general attitude could change faster than the speed of a Cactuar. Though, truthfully, being hit with a 1000 needles attack would have been more tolerable than living with Squall lately, which said a lot, especially when Zell once had to pick those damn needles out his rear for days - not a pretty picture to say the least.

In that moment, Zell hadn't noticed the intense stares between Rinoa and Squall. Apparently, even with him trying to lighten the mood, it seemed that they could not escape all the issues between them… Thankfully, Zell had turned away, albeit awkwardly, after realizing that he had been unwittingly dragged into this intimate moment - one between sorceress and her former knight.

It seemed that neither Rinoa nor Squall wanted to return to the guise of just colleagues.

For Squall's part, catching her gaze was accidental, holding it was even more unexpected. Usually one of them seemed to shy away. Not this time. It was a contest of wills on more than one level. He knew that three years of transgressions could not be solved in less than twenty-four hours. Things had to unravel slowly; if they jumped into another situation like last night, there may be no place for reconciliation. Still, it didn't ebb his desires and this moment proved just that.

As for her part, Rinoa had seen that raw, uninhibited emotion that he tried to conceal from others. There was an unspoken passion that passed between them, which only made her earlier thoughts resurface. There was so much she was holding back, but both seemed to know that some boundaries took their time to cross.

At that point, there was so much sexual tension between the two that the martial artist thought it would be best to get out of the vehicle before this got _really _uncomfortable. Though he doubted either would yield, it had apparently become a silent battle of pride between them. The van must have held a side which drew out carnal desires too, which luckily hadn't shown until now. He really needed to leave after that thought.

"Um, yeah. I'm gonna…well, I'm gonna do something that doesn't require me being anywhere near here, 'kay?"

Zell started to stand, but was abruptly halted. "No, stay."

It was truly frightening. Not only had Squall made the request, but Rinoa voiced the same words in unison. This was starting to fall into the realm of eerily-creepy, but Zell knew it would be best to follow the orders given – especially since two separate parties gave them in harmony.

"Okay then… I guess, I'm supposed to stay."

Just as suddenly as Zell's uneasiness started, it ended with the same abruptness. In a split second, both Rinoa and Squall automatically reverted back into work mode. It was as if the moment had been nothing more than a figment of the martial artist's imagination and both had already returned to reading their given documents.

Zell's eyes darted between the two other inhabitants of the van. "_Alrighty_ then… apparently I missed the memo were we just casually ignore or repress any issues. I'd ask if there's anything anyone wanted to share, but ten Gil says neither of you budge…so we just all pretend it didn't happen, right?"

"Don't," Squall warned with a single word.

"Hey, you two wanted me to stay." He tossed up his good arm in surrender. "Don't kill the messenger. I just think that maybe you need to talk or something… I'm perfectly willing to step out for a bit."

"I'll make a suggestion box," the commander replied wryly. "The first suggestion in there will be for you to drop it… in our own time, all right?"

Placing errant strands of hair behind her ear, Rinoa quickly wanted to get back to the more pressing issues at hand. The moments prior had pushed her nerves and she would have liked to put that behind, at least for now. As Squall said, 'in their own time.' She doubted that was only just a message to Zell; it was a subtle message meant for her as well. He was trying to reassure her in his own way.

Not to mention that as much as she loved Zell, she really felt uncomfortable talking about her love life, or lack thereof, in front of a third party.

"So, there really is no other connection you guys found between any of these men, besides just being involved in politics?"

Asking the question, Rinoa didn't tear her eyes from the folder in her hands. She hadn't had the capacity to look at either man. Honestly, she was trying to figure out what the hell had happened between her and Squall. She had been embarrassed – embarrassed because it had happened, embarrassed because she couldn't seem to reign back her basic desires, and embarrassed because, after all this time and distance, she just realized that she was still deeply in love with him.

When the commander continued to sit there wordlessly, Zell piped up, offering what lack-of-knowledge they had.

"Nothing. We looked at it from a political point, ya know, see if they shared types of committees, bills, laws, or whatnot, but they all did different things in different cities."

Finally breaking from his barrier of silence, Squall expanded on the situation, "I also checked into their individual stance on gun control. Garden was operating under the idea that it could be some type of political statement. What stances were on record were pretty much varied between from completely _for_ to totally_ against_ so that idea was ruled out."

"This latest person who washed up on shore… how long was he shot before you guys?"

"The opinion seems to be mixed. Up to a week, they believe," answered Squall.

"And he's never killed that closely together within the same town?" she asked.

"No he hasn't, plus Beltran was killed a few days before that. The first three killings were over the course of over three months and the next three were within three weeks. If he starts on three _days_ we're pretty much screwed."

"Ever curious why some of the shootings were public – like ours and the drive-by? While others were more controlled like this guy in Dollet and the break-in in Esthar?" The martial artist wondered out loud.

"He's right," Rinoa agreed. "A few of these took days to discover, in Siddig's case, nearly a week… while yours was extremely obvious and definitely posed more of a risk factor in being caught."

"It was worth the risk." Squall stated, almost as if it was fact. "The two killings _were _a political statement in and of themselves - it's also a form of power. He wanted us to know he's the one that has it."

"So logically, he could be angrier with something you and the drive-by guy did?" Zell had left himself out the equation, once again operating under the assumption that his injury was a secondary byproduct. "Got any guesses what you did?"

Squall scoffed, "Take your pick. I couldn't even begin to list everything that I've done that would piss someone off to that extent."

Rinoa shook her head. "It doesn't even have to be _you_ directly, since you're also a figurehead. Killing an individual SeeD wouldn't have the same effect as going after you. While Cid's technically the headmaster, you're the one that's the most visible and well-known. You're the one the world sees as a hero and this guy might not view SeeDs as the saviors everybody else once did."

"That's very true, we may never know the reason then." Not that Squall cared to some extent, as he knew people disliked what he stood for and he couldn't fault them for having their own opinions. He didn't particularly like certain aspects of his life either.

"I think we should return to the idea of going through towns that haven't had killings. Try to look at it from the perspectives of different cities. Maybe we can find out why a Deling cabinet member and a SeeD commander would be worth the most risk then." Zell shrugged; it may be worth a try.

Rinoa figured it couldn't hurt at this point; what did they have to lose? As of now, they still had only ruled out seven suspects – and three of them were currently sitting in the van. She grabbed 'cheat-sheet,' she wanting to use something as visual reference. "Let's look at the places _not_ affected in order… First, the Shumi Village."

"Um, can Moombas even hold guns? Let alone a sniper rifle?" Zell questioned in all seriousness, though he doubted his answer would be perceived by his colleagues that way.

Rinoa shrugged, trying to visualize the picture in her head. It seemed that this was a mental image that seemed slightly out of grasp. "I wouldn't think so? Seems kinda unlikely? Honestly, it seems more unlikely they'd even want to, but you never know… Wait, I think I may have seen one holding a machine gun or…am I just thinking of Laguna?"

"You're getting my father confused with a Moomba?"

Rinoa laughed, regretting her comment immensely. "Sorry, I was just thinking of the statue of Laguna and he was holding a machine gun… the statue Artisan crafted. It's a rather distorted image in my head between the statue and the Moombas. Not really sure why. Anyway, you know, maybe it's because they have really big hands… and - hold on, are Moombas even aware of politics? Do they care?"

"What? Am I completely misunderstanding you or did you just say that you're getting the mental image of a Moomba and Laguna mixed up because they have big hands and… You know what, never mind. " Squall quickly stopped that line of questioning as no good come from it. At all.

The commander wanted to get this conversation back on track – desperately. "As for the Shumi Tribe in general, they gave us Norg and he wasn't the shining example of political correctness or sanity."

"Good point," the martial artist began, "So, we can officially say that it would possible for the Shumi tribe to have a political agenda, or at least some of them might? But we also can say that we're not sure if Moombas can shoot sniper rifles…which, yeah, basically leaves us nowhere… I'll do a search on the internet later. It has to have all that otherwise-useless information. Okay then, moving onward: Fisherman's Horizon, home of our favorite peace-loving, crazy, whack-job mayoral couple."

"That's a _tad _extreme. They aren't that crazy – just passionate." Rinoa would always argue that point after knowing people who were passionate about causes in Timber. Friends and collogues whose actions could be sometimes be slightly misconstrued by outsiders.

"Really? Are you positive about that?" Zell laughed, thinking back to their latest encounter with one of the Dobes. "Seriously, do you know what she did on the first day of the conference? During the morning break, Flo _literally _dyed her hair green and changed into a brown one-piece leotard, which god forbid, left _nothing_ to the imagination. If that wasn't crazy, excuse me, _passionate_ enough for you, she also went into the center of the rotunda, stood, and then stretched her arms above her head. Then when she had enough people staring at her, she publically proclaimed her actions were in remembrance of all the fallen trees that would 'no longer extend their tender branches toward the mothering sun.' Her words, not mine. I'm sad we only made it till lunch, who knows what she would have done for the rest of the week."

Then as an afterthought, he added, "Oooh, internet again, someone would've had to blog about the rest of her antics. How could they not?"

"Okay... really, _really_ passionate?" Rinoa tried to control her laughter.

It wasn't her place to judge anyone's beliefs, but still, the mental image of Flo Dobe dressed as a tree was rather amusing - not to mention the look of some of those stuffy politicians' faces at the conference staring in horror.

"She really likes trees, all right? You used to _really _like hotdogs, rumor had it that you actually walked down the aisle with one on a dare. So um… her love of trees isn't that far out there." Rinoa paused, looking at the sheet of paper in her hand. "Oh my God, I didn't even see that before… that's it."

"Unfortunately not," Squall interjected, as Garden had already been down that path. As unique as the Dobes were, they were cleared of this. That would have been too simple. "Truthfully, they were at the top of a short list of possible suspects. Amazingly, both have solid alibis. Hell, when we were shot, Flo was handing out flyers about overfishing in the main hall of the conference. She had refused to eat the seafood lunch on ethical grounds. Everyone saw her there, and trust me, I honestly mean everyone… Mayor Dobe was accounted for in FH."

"No, no… not that." Rinoa stood and walked over so she was kneeling between the two seats. "I'm talking about what Zell said about the trees."

She handed he paper over to Squall. "Look. Their addresses are all types of trees."

"What? No." Zell chimed in, grabbing the paper in record time, leaving the disgruntled commander a very nasty paper cut. "I don't think so… Tree names would have been rather obvious, even to me."

"Sure they would, that is, if you didn't know specifics. I mean, just look at Willow Drive or Dogwood Court - those two are pretty dead giveaways, but look at the broader picture. First, take Almond Avenue…"

"Almond… that's a nut." Zell corrected.

"Yeah, a nut from a _tree_." Squall just couldn't let the opportunity pass.

Rinoa nodded in agreement, but continued down the list. "Camilla Street…"

"Camilla? Isn't it just a girl's name? I even knew a girl named that. Heck, I even knew a Chocobo named that!"

Rinoa sighed. She loved Zell, but sometimes, he said things without much thought. "Yes, it is, but also it's a…"

She intentionally omitted the last word, baiting him like a teacher wanting to fill in the answer. It was as if time stood still and they were arguing years ago about something trivial. Now their banter had meaning though.

"Tree. Fine. It's also a tree… _I guess_."

"Yes it is, more specifically, it can be a flowering shrub or tree… Okay, and then finally we have Crab Cove. As Christopher Pegg lived at 'Pelican Bay Apartments,' I'm guessing the original context of the street name was meant as the little crustaceans with pinchers and all, but Crab is also a tree."

"When did you learn so much about trees?"

"Just a lifelong interest, I guess… basically a hobby leftover from my childhood."

"Because lightning can strike twice, even the same tree?" Squall had stated it so softly that she almost thought that it was just in her imagination.

"What?" she began, but then suddenly remembered the significance behind the words. She was surprised that he had remembered; hearing him echo her own words from years ago suddenly gave the statement a double meaning. Back then, she meant it as childhood fear which destroyed something beautiful, something her and her mother planted from a sapling decades ago… now she could also see its meaning on a more metaphorical scale.

Shaking her head of the thoughts, she continued, "As far as education goes, I also took a botany class a few semesters back. Just one, but it was interesting."

"You're in school?" The commander seemed to be more focused on this revelation than the small breakthrough in the case. It was just an innate curiosity, feeling as if he had missed so much.

"_Was_... just took a few classes. It was my original intent to get a degree, but life… work got in the way. Like I said before, the reason I was told I got the job in Timber was because of my dedication to the Forest Owls, but truthfully, I think it was most likely because of my supposed connections. Three years ago, I didn't have much going for me education-wise, at least anything on paper."

Squall and Rinoa momentarily stared into one another's eyes, before she finally added, "There's a lot you don't know about me. It was three years."

As interested as Zell was about Rinoa's education, it was rather moot at this point. They had just made what could have been the biggest breakthrough as of yet and these two were having a bizarre staring contest _again._

"Um, Rin, not to cut you off, but back to the list... What about Squall? His address isn't a tree name."

She hadn't taken that into consideration. Again, he wasn't technically on the list but he needed to be taken into account in this case.

"Garden?" she began hesitantly, reaching for any sort of logical connection. "Well… maybe? Plus, there could be trees in a flower garden, right? I mean, there _can_ be. So possibly your military Garden is being equated to floral garden?"

"It's a stretch. Sure, there can be trees in a Garden, but-" Squall immediately stopped. Out of all the hours of tape from the funeral he sat through, one of the images finally seemed to have meaning. "Shit. It can't be that simple, can it? A tree at Garden."

It was as if an unknown puzzle piece finally had fallen into place. It may have been accidently, but somehow, it just felt as if it the piece was a perfect fit. Rinoa had immediately picked up on Squall's reasoning. She should have known it more than anyone. Hell, she had helped plant the damn thing.

"The man said it was purchased in your memory. I never asked by _who_. I was just… I couldn't think about anything like that at the time… but I should have asked. I'm sorry."

"Rinoa, there was no way you could have known about the symbolism back then."

Now Zell was now thoroughly confused. Apparently, these two had some sort of psychic breakthrough – maybe all that staring at each other had taught them to read minds as neither one seemed to be explaining a damn thing to him. Again, he was finding that working with the telepathic-wonder-duo was a downright eerie experience.

Thirty seconds ago, they were talking about nuts and trees, now they had somehow figured out a few weeks of work over the course of a few seconds - all while rudely leaving him out again.

"Who? Where? What the hell did I miss?"

"See, I knew you'd come back to my line of questioning." Squall managed to say as he turned away from the other two, quickly returning to use his computer.

"I'm_ so_ lost." Zell threw his good arm in the air. "Rinoa, can you please fill me in?"

"During the funeral, I helped a man plant a tree. I remember him vaguely saying something about it being ordered from Garden, donated or something of the like. Someone wanted to plant it as a living memorial in the commander's honor – something along that line."

"Thank you! That at least makes sense… was that so hard?" The last part of his statement was grumbled toward the commander, who seemed to be too mesmerized by the monitor's glow to even respond.

At least Zell felt that they were on the same page now, a drastic switch from feeling as if they weren't even reading the same damn book before. He still hadn't quite made the leap from nuts on trees to Rinoa planting one at the funeral, but he figured they would fill him in about the finer details later on. Then again, he probably shouldn't count those Chocobos before they hatched.

The martial artist looked toward Rinoa. "I know there are a few trees at Garden like that, especially in the Quad. Sadly, I think we had a few dozen planted after the whole Ultimecia thing. It's a great gesture though. I love taking Alex out there. Kinda like the beauty of the person lives on. So, um… who donated the tree in your case?"

"Most likely the killer. It's almost poetic." Squall's voice was monotone, never shying his eyes from the computer.

"If it _was _purchased by someone at Garden, doesn't that bring us back to a SeeD?"

The martial artist truly hated the implication, but it seemed like something they could no longer look passed.

"I hope not, but…" Squall couldn't finish, there would be too much pain in just hearing the words. He needed to remain objective - that had always been a source of his strength; he would not let this bastard turn that into a weakness.

Remaining silent, Rinoa found herself placing a hand on his shoulder. She felt a need to comfort him, to be connected to him on some level. It was unexplainable, but she knew that he would need her support, now more than ever.

Amazingly enough, even though Squall had nearly died just a few weeks ago, he had never taken it to personal level – with the possible exception of the Zone comment, though that had been mainly in jest. All this time, the commander had remained under the assumption that he'd just been an accessible target, a figurehead to a group whose morals had been publically questioned. Before, the bullet was never about him; it was only about the underlying political hypocrisy people believed that Garden represented.

Yet, if this was by a SeeD's hand, it very well may have been about him.

"Zell, while I try to look this up, can you start by compiling a list of students, former students, and employees that may have sniper training. Not everyone could have made those shots." Then as a secondary request, Squall added, "And for my sake, please do not include Irvine on the list, all right?"

"On it boss." Squall would have rolled his eyes had he not been so intensely focused on the computer's screen. Somehow, Zell's reply sounded rather condescending but he knew his meaning was far from that.

Getting up from the chair and doing his arbitrary knuckle-crack, the martial asked, "Rin, is it okay if I use the computer in the den? We kinda only have the one in here. Apparently Garden didn't go all out for the dual computer luxury package, which, by the way, would have now come standard in the newer models of the 'van-from-hell.' Oh, and I promise that I won't check your web history, your secrets are safe with me."

"Yeah _right_," she replied sarcastically. "My secret and fulfilling life of computer solitaire. Go for it, just don't take over my high score or then I'd be upset."

As Zell headed off, Rinoa tried to stretch, herself standing as upright as possible in a vehicle apparently designed for the convenience of Mogs. Making her way close to the commander, she leaned over, resting part of her weight on Squall's shoulder. He didn't seem to mind.

"So, what you looking at?"

"Trying to get into Garden's main system, I want to check the accounts payable receipts."

"How are you in the system, won't someone see you? Well, not _you_, but noticing someone unauthorized is logged-in and accessing files."

"No, I'm in through a backdoor. Nobody who doesn't already know will notice it. It's a failsafe Cid initiated years back after the Norg takeover. As far as what I'm looking up, as a general rule of thumb, whoever bought an item, such as a tree, would give the money to either Cid or myself. One of us would make the check request. It's rare that someone could bypass the system in this case since the purchase would still need to be approved before it would be allowed to be planted. So, logically, someone paid the money, we just have to figure out who."

"It would normally be friends of the deceased, right?"

"Normally, but we have gone way beyond the realm of normal here. It's also not unheard of for a group or committee to take donations for something like that. Take Selphie for instance. Besides her friends, it would be logical that the Garden Festival Committee would take donations. Still, the purchase would be run through the system."

He scrolled down the page, looking for corresponding dates. "Shit, this is impossible. Look at all these check requests for flowers, florist, or garden centers. What in the world would make people think I would need or want flowers in the first place? They don't know me at all."

She patted his shoulder, trying to keep it light. "You know, I thought the exact same thing. If they truly had known you, they would have used the money to bribe Dollet police officers for more copies of mug shots."

"That was classic." He let out a knowing laugh. "Don't worry though, I still have my copy. Never leaves the office, never know when it will come in handy. Best Gil I ever spent, by the way."

"Figures. I'm not all surprised that we seem to have very different opinions on the definition of the word _classic_."

It was strange that she hadn't thought about that picture while clearing his apartment. It was even stranger that she thought about it now. The fact that he kept it in his office was both sweet and slightly peculiar. She wouldn't read too much into this right now; it was just good to regain the memory.

He continued searching through entry after entry, finding no concrete evidence. "Unfortunately, I think there's a chance that the invoice could have been marked in a general category, such as flowers or floral… Whoever did the check request, didn't specifically list a tree as the line item. Not to mention the fact that about four separate people were trying to fill-in which could also account for lack of detail. In order to say for sure, I would need to see original copies, or get a hold of someone who could."

"Well, who could?"

"There are few, but… I can't exactly call, neither can Zell. Though, I suppose that it wouldn't be out of the question for you to try to find out."

"Wait, what? Me? My relationship with Garden isn't exactly on firm ground you know."

"Well, my relationship to them is six-feet underground so you appear to be the more logical choice. I'll need you to get a hold of someone and explain that you wanted to thank the party responsible… they'll buy it coming from you."

"Squall, you and I haven't spoken in three years… everybody at Garden is _well aware_ of this fact. How much do you think they're actually going to buy?"

"All of it. By now, everybody there knows you were listed as the executor to my will. For once, let's let whatever gossip that is already circling around work in our favor."

She froze, thinking about the will. Somehow, the both of them had managed to skim over that major detail until now and here he just brought it up in casual conversation. It was in her best interest just to react just as calmly and professionally as he did, forgetting about the root of the gossip.

Swallowing her pride, she coolly asked, "Who do you want me to call? Xu?"

"Unfortunately, she's already on her way back to Trabia. We need someone who can physically look into this, someone who can also remain impartial and not get emotionally involved." There was a long hesitant pause before the next words escaped his lips. "You're not going to like this…"

"I already don't like this," she stated bluntly, but somehow, she had this suspicious feeling that this was going to get much, much worse.

The next words out his mouth were ones that he hoped he'd never have had to utter.

"Honestly, since Cid's in Dollet, I think the best bet would be to call Lauren.”

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-One: Sacrifice of Angels_ **

* * *

"Are you kidding me?" Rinoa spat, moving away from him as much as possible. It was a triggered reaction, one that she had not even expected to feel this much animosity towards. It appeared that Squall was not the only one in the van with unresolved issues of jealousy – though both were too obstinate to ever use that term outright. Just as in the past, it seemed that their relationship could be defined as an internal battle of pride and will.

Still, above all else, her mind reeled in the inherent contradiction of his words. He just had to be joking in some obscure, sarcastic way that only he found humor in. At least, that's what she desperately hoped.

"You want me to do what? To call someone who can remain 'emotionally uninvolved' or whatever the hell you just said! …_And_ the person you're referring to just happens to be your girlfriend? Do you know on how _many_ levels this whole thing is wrong? Seriously wrong?"

Without waiting to gauge his response, she had already given into the anger. She let her body collapse under its own weight, falling into the pile of pillows. Refusing to even acknowledge his presence, she leaned back, trying to keep her tongue from responding further. She would not let him see her in this weak state; she had fought so long to avoid this very situation. She had walked that path plenty of times with him - all it did was lead them in endless circles.

For his part, Squall remained quietly in his seat. If there was one thing that he had learned through this whole experience it was to allow others their personal space. He was nearly asking the world of her so the least he could do was allow her this time to cool. He felt that he needed to explain this, something he _probably _should have tried to do a tad bit better before just blurting it out.

The commander was used to militaristic regimens and behaviors; it had been a long time since he needed to worry about tact and feelings. It was a sad truth, but something that couldn't be denied in his line of work.

"Rin, please believe me, I'm not saying this is going to be easy in the least… but it makes sense. There are only a few people that can locate the information right away and she's nothing if efficient. Right now we need someone who can look at the physical receipts. If Xu had still been there, she would have obviously been the best choice. Even if Cid had been there, this whole thing wouldn't be an issue but he's still back in Dollet, trying to deal with political fallout there. With us being in very limited communication, it could take awhile for him to get the message. A few hours may not seem like a lot, but who knows what can be accomplished in that time. Again, please believe me. I hate what I'm asking of you."

He paused, trying to read her but she had purposely turned her head away from him though the action in itself was also a tell. If Rinoa had truly been contemplating the idea, she would have been either looking toward the back or possibly downward. Yet, she seemed to go out of her way to turn away as much as physics allowed.

It was obvious that he was now going to have to go into his almost non-existent line of persuasion. In his field of work, he rarely had to explain reasoning; he would just relay the orders of his superiors to his subordinates. It was a neat little organized chain of command. Trying to deal with an angry sorceress – well, that task was not quite as organized.

It was also times like these that his two personas clashed, one that said stay seated safely at a distance and the other that desperately wanted to give comfort. After verbal communication had come to an abrupt halt, the latter side became the victor. He slowly moved onto the floor, sitting in the space directly beside her. He didn't say anything when he first moved positions. Instead, he let her initial shock run its course. This calculated change of tactics was worth the risk and even more so when she didn't seemed phased by his proximity. He allowed himself to slightly relax, leaning back onto the beanbag.

"I want this to end – all the lies, all the death, all the people in its wake." His voice was soft and reassuring. Honestly, he didn't have to think that much; he just let the words come naturally. "This tree thing is the best, and honestly the _only_, lead we've had. Sure, it may turn out to be a dead end, but I would like to think we did our best before someone else gets hurt. I'd have you call Quistis but, honestly, she'd be too emotionally involved. I don't want to put her through that and I know you… you don't want to do that to her either."

The commander briefly stopped to collect his thoughts; he hadn't realized how much this was all getting to him. He couldn't let it. Not now. He also knew he couldn't force her and would never want to guilt her into doing something she didn't feel comfortable in doing.

"Rinoa, you don't have to… we can work around it. I'll just get a hold of Cid and have him call her when he can, then you don't have to be involved."

"He's busy," she finally stated after some consideration. "You said earlier that he's in meetings and whatnot… it may take awhile to even get a hold of him. So the longer we wait… it may make a difference."

"Yes, but it may not," he countered, although not sure why he had. Now, somehow, he had inadvertently taken the 'con' side of the argument when he was the one who first proposed the 'pro.' This fact alone proved why he was never on Garden's debate team – damn semantics.

Rinoa glanced over to him, eyeing him curiously. She didn't have to say anything; it was apparent by her expression that she was thinking along the same lines as him. She just didn't feel the need to call him on it right now. Truthfully, it wasn't his lack of taking a stand on that particular subject that bothered her – it was how coldly he seemed to treat the only other 'real relationship' in his life.

"Last night you said you did care for her. Don't you think she cares for you too? You think hearing from your ex-girlfriend will be easy on her? You explained the physical aspects, but God Squall, there has to be some emotional attachment there too."

He now leaned back further on the beanbag, looking up the metallic ceiling. There was something that he didn't want to admit to anyone, yet somehow, he felt he could tell her. As strange and backwards as it was, he felt as if she may understand. Maybe his overly callous attitude was in response to what he saw of Lauren. The next words spoken were almost a confession, something that he tried to dismiss.

"She didn't cry."

With those words, Rinoa finally stared at him for longer than a glance. There was something strained in his voice. It would have gone unnoticed to those who didn't know him, but she understood how difficult it was for him to admit such things.

"At all?" she whispered.

His eyes remained transfixed on the van's roof, their roles once again reversed from just moments before.

"No, nothing. You know what was odd? I watched hours and hours of videos from the funeral and it didn't occur to me at first. I was so busy watching for people's reactions that I missed some of the most obvious ones. It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I was actually upset that she was so calm about it. I mean, for fuck's sake, that's the reason that drew me to her in the first place. Garden above all else."

"Squall, I…um I-"

"Don't know what to say?"

"Yeah, kinda." She let out a nervous chuckle. "It's just very-"

"Weird?"

"Exactly. Very weird." She let out another small laugh, realizing that Squall was finishing her rambling thoughts. "You know, several years ago I met a boy that wasn't exactly the best at expression his emotions or even communicating in general. It was very irritating at first, but then well… I learned that was just who he was… I shouldn't have faulted him for being himself, but sometimes I did. It's not about changing into something that you're not, it's about learning to understand."

"Guy sounds irritating as hell," Squall quipped sarcastically, "whatever happened to him?"

"Last time I knew, he was sitting in a van, finishing someone else's sentences."

"Finishing someone else's sentences? That sounds very-"

"…Annoying?" Rinoa smiled, "Honestly… it really isn't, strangely enough. It's actually kinda nice." She shook her head good-naturedly, adding, "Just don't tell him that. He may think I like having him around or something."

His body unintentionally stiffened at her comment, as out of everything, including last night, that one simple statement offered him the most hope of the future. It wasn't based on unstable bouts of emotion, but said with a calm rationale. It may have been in jest, but there was a distinct underlying meaning. He knew her well and this was most definitely a step in the right direction for them.

This was just par for the course in his life - that the one moment that may give them hope was brought on by him talking about his girlfriend's emotionally devoid attachment. The irony spoke unto itself; the fact that Rinoa was the one offering comfort on the subject was even more ironic.

"Squall, not to go on about it, but it shows how much things have grown over the years, how much further you've come."

She sighed nervously, now turning her body so it rested on the beanbag. It was the first time they remained face-to-face for an extended amount of time, neither turned nor looked away. Their position was intimate, breaking all barriers of personal space, and whether intentionally or not, she found herself drawn to him. Reaching out, she placed her hand over his forearm.

They eyed one another briefly as she continued, "I'm not going to pretend that I understand your relationship with her. I mean, I'm getting that it was rather…physical." She outwardly winced when saying those words. "I'm not the type of person who could do that and honestly, I didn't think you were… but, then again, I can't imagine everything you've had to sort out the last few years. If it helped you… then well, maybe the whole thing was-"

She was going to say 'for the best' but those words just couldn't leave her mouth in good conscience so she decided it was better to let that rest, even as an incomplete thought. Thankfully, he seemed to understand. She knew that this couldn't have been easy for him to hear from her either.

As an afterthought, she ended up adding, "For what little it's worth, I think Lauren cared." She quickly realized her mistake, although not positive on how to word it properly. "Um, _cares _not _cared_. Sorry, not sure of the correct tense given the circumstances…"

She paused, finding this entire situation more unbelievable as she went on. He too could sense this hesitation and softly whispered her name though she seemed to shy away from his response, shaking her head. It was at that moment when she felt his fingers move up, connecting with hers, gently holding something that was once familiar. It seemed that this bond was needed by both and shunned by neither.

Her smile only reassured his actions. "Remember, Squall, I've grown up around the military too. One thing that stood out to me as a child was my dad didn't shed a single tear at my mother's funeral. I was five, yet I remember that… but he did care, he just wasn't the type to outwardly show it. If it's all right to ask you this… if it had been Lauren in the casket how would you have reacted? Would you have cried or just accepted it as a hazard of the job?"

"I-I... I don't know how I'd react, really." He looked her in the eyes, realizing what it was that she was exactly saying. "I think I just answered my own question, didn't I? How should I expect her to feel when I don't know how I would? I've tried to remain detached for so long, why shouldn't I expect her to do the same?"

Rinoa really needed to change the topic, as this was becoming impossible to deal with. The more she talked, the more she felt like she was trying to mend a relationship between Squall and Lauren.

"My last comment on this is that I did see her later that night after the funeral… she does care. It's just a different world for her. It's like Xu, she needs to remain objective and my guess is Xu didn't cry either. Politics is usually about perception. Unfortunately for women, it seems easier for others to judge. It's the same standard that keeps Quistis from advancing, though she would never want to be that way – it's not her."

Squall forgot how easy it was to talk to her, how wonderful it was just to hear her talk. It was something he had taken for granted years ago and something he often actively sought to avoid. He wasn't good at expressing things; it had never come up during his youth. Training stated you needed to be one way, yet the norm of society seemed to think you should be another. He had never found the balance and that proved to be a very costly mistake – a very costly mistake in Esthar.

Once again, he found himself throwing caution to the wind. He moved the arm that was closest to her, gently resting it around her shoulders. For a few brief moments, they just sat there without words, without sound, and without any further explanations. In a response unexpected to him, she rested her head on his shoulder.

Rinoa sighed, realizing the path that she needed to take now - not for her sake or Squall's but for the good of the case.

Sometimes she hated admitting the truth…

"You're right, about calling Lauren. I can't let my feelings get in the way. We could have some concrete evidence in a few hours. As for calling Quistis, well, you're right again. I can't put her though that. Everyone copes in their own way and she took this very hard. …It hit all of us very hard, but I suppose that's beside the point right now. But, um, seriously how do honestly think I can pull this off and sound believable? I have a feeling that I'm going to come off sounding like a huge idiot making this call – you have any ideas?"

He gave the top of her head a small kiss before trying to lighten the situation. "I would, first and foremost, not apologize for calling and then saying something along the lines of 'I hope I don't sound like an idiot for calling' because well, that pretty much labels you right there."

"Hey!" She swatted him on the arm playfully, "I would not say that."

"Really?"

"Fine," she huffed at the accusation, although it might have been scarily accurate. "I might say _something_ like that… now it's pretty much a given because you've put in my head, thank you Leonhart."

He found himself smirking, though she couldn't see this reaction. Now it was time to give her some actual direction in the conversation.

"In all seriousness Rin, you can pull this off. If you want to, tell her you've talked to Cid. Say he was the one who suggested that you call her since she's the acting commander. If you tell her that you're trying to get closure, that you just want to thank whoever donated the tree, it may come off as believable. It's all in how you present it and the sincerity behind your words. It's going to require a little bit of acting but, most importantly, draw on everything you've experienced. You can make everything you've gone through have meaning. Just be clear in what you need. The reasons behind it aren't as important, she'll look at it more as something in the line of work, especially if she thinks Cid's involved. She has something to prove."

Rinoa crossed her arms as he finished. Squall couldn't help but notice that even in all her otherwise maturity, she seemed to be regressing for a second. It was almost cute, if only the reasoning wasn't so painful. He certainly couldn't blame her for the momentary anxiety. Hell, he pretty much could relate as he thought about her going out tonight.

"This sucks," she stated rather irritability. It was said with the same unique directness that he once remembered.

He took her more lighthearted reply to be good sign. "Yeah, it really does suck."

It was strange how quickly he had found comfort just by being in her company, a far cry from his hesitations years ago. He was younger back then. Time, life, and fate had matured him.

"Alright, let's get this over with," she said begrudgingly.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Standing up from his position, he made his way to the back of the van before jumping onto the garage floor. She followed although getting up much slower than him, still knowing her procrastination would be futile in the end. As she reached the back, he extended his hand to her, offering to help her down. Honestly, she didn't need it, but she wasn't exactly going to deny herself of this opportunity either.

Their hands united and he moved his other arm to her waist, helping her down much more than she originally anticipated. It was more like he was lifting her, before gently placing her feet on the ground; it was very stark contrast to his exit. However, this also meant their ending position was extremely close. One of his hands was interlocked with hers while the other still rested on her hip. He didn't exactly make the effort to move and neither did she. In fact, he could visibly see her uneasiness; she had inadvertently swallowed before biting her lip, both signs he knew as her nervous habits – those were always tells along with her playing with her necklace, which she probably would have also done if not for the fact that her second arm had wrapped around his neck.

Her body tensed at the closeness. She was trying to put it from her mind, but greatly failing. "Can I tell you again that I'm not thrilled?"

"Can I tell you again how proud I am of you?"

"Wait, did you ever tell me you were proud?" she asked, intently staring into his eyes.

"If I didn't say it, I thought it."

"Oh..."

It was with that response that every earlier thought, every earlier stare, every dreamed sensation suddenly overwhelmed her. She was the one to move forward to initiate a kiss, not him taking the lead. It was as if he had silently been willing to accept her decision, and when she made it, he was more than happy to reciprocate.

It had been the first time that either had given that much into their passions since last night. She had embraced him earlier in the morning, but nothing like this – nothing at all. It was also the first time either had true clarity in their actions, rather than being caught up in raw emotions.

It was Squall who finally broke away, knowing that somehow as great as it was, it was still very ill-timed. Not to mention, he needed to stop this before it would become too difficult to break away. His body was already remembering everything about her but unfortunately, his mind also remembered that they needed to push forward in their mission.

"We need to-"

"…Make the call. Yeah, I know," she rasped trying to catch her breath.

With the exception of last night, it had been so long since she had felt this way; it took a moment to regain her bearings. She knew that breaking away was the right thing to do, but somehow it just seemed so wrong.

"Let's go." He offered a thin smile, reaching out to her. Hand-in-hand, they made their way into the house – together.

* * *

Walking into the living room, Rinoa eyed the blasted phone like it was her greatest adversary and right now, it was. Squall seemed to lead her inside, before letting her go on her own. She supposed there was only so much he could do. Also, try as he might to hide, this was extremely uncomfortable for him too.

The commander took this chance to run back to the den, quickly filling Zell in on the plan. He also told the martial artist to leave a coded message for Cid and to explain the situation, though leaving out pertinent details. Squall had known if the name 'Rinoa' was brought up, the headmaster would quickly comply with anything asked. If Lauren questioned Cid about the whole thing, the headmaster would understandably back his part in Rinoa's request. It was, after all, Garden's reputation at stake too – what was one more deception on a pile of others?

The entire time Squall had been in the back, she glared at the phone. She hated that damn thing right now. When he finally returned, she noticed that he had a notebook in hand. He didn't say anything more, just made a solitary motion toward the phone.

She let out a deep breath before reaching for taking the phone from its cradle. "Now or never," she mumbled almost incoherently.

Glancing over to him, she noticed he was looking between her and the book. History told her that whatever was written in there, if anything, held no importance. It was, as he said earlier, a bit of acting – trying to mask his own hesitations in order to appear supportive. She understood and was grateful though she didn't want to tell him that he wasn't the best in the 'acting' situations. In spite of his shortcomings, she would allow this one to slip. His heart was in the right place after all.

Before her mind could instruct her otherwise, she dialed a once familiar number. Her fingers shook, though she tried to hide it. She doubted her acting was any better than his. In perfect military efficiency, it took only one ring for the operator to answer.

"_Balamb Garden switchboard, how may I assist you?" _

"Uh, yeah, this is Rinoa Heartilly, I need to speak with Lauren Rachels…um Commander Rachels, I guess? I talked to Cid and he said it was okay."

The person didn't verbally respond, only put her line on hold. God, she felt like such a fool. Seriously, did she just tell the operator that she got permission from Cid to talk to Squall's girlfriend? In all the years since her departure, couldn't Garden have invested in an automated system like every other place on the planet? But, no, she got to sound like an idiot to a real-live person. Great, just great.

"You can do this," Squall mouthed, knowing that someone would most likely answer at any given moment.

After nearly a minute of instrumental jazz music, a voice suddenly startled her out of her momentary trance.

"_Commander Rachels…"_ Then after an uncharacteristic pause, Lauren added, _"Rinoa, is it really you?"_

It seemed that protocol was lost to the shock. At least Rinoa wasn't the only one who seemed to be taken aback by this turn of events.

"Yes it is." It was a perverse relief to know that Lauren seemed as lost as she was. "I'm really sorry to bother you, I just… I needed to ask something."

"_Is there something I can help you with?"_

"Yeah, actually there is… I had called Cid earlier and he told me that you'd be the person in the best position to help me. I just…well, I feel really awkward about this, honestly. I just wanted to- I mean, I'm sorry if I sound like-"

Rinoa cut herself short, right before the words 'an idiot' left her mouth. She glared at Squall while wrapping the phone cord around her finger. She would blame this on him right now as somebody had to be held responsible for her sounding rather inept. Not to mention, he did put that damned thought in her head after all – jokingly or not. He also seemed to have his attention conveniently focused on the notebook in hand, one that she noticed he had been reading the same page for the duration. Obviously, he was playing smart and trying to avoid direct eye contact - a very wise move on his part.

Since she had apparently followed his first bit of (bad) advice, she would then follow through with his second. Drawing off her emotions and speaking sincerely might truly be the best policy in this case. She didn't have time to compose a reply before Lauren took the opportunity to help move the conversation along.

"_Please don't worry about anything. I understand your reluctance in calling but, honestly, if there's something I can do for you… Well, believe me when I say that Squall would want me to help if I was able. No matter what happened in the past, I know how he felt about you."_

Wow, this just became extremely awkward in record time. Rinoa's gaze kept darting between the curled phone cord and Squall. It felt very strange to be staring at him while he was being talked about in past tense, a hypothetical that always bothered him.

"Thank you, that means a lot. I'm trying to-" she began but wasn't sure how she should word this.

Squall finally held her gaze when she hesitated. It was small, almost nonexistence to the naked eye, but he offered her a small smile. With a single nod, this simple gesture was all that she needed. "At the funeral, I helped plant a tree in the Quad. The gardener said it was purchased as a memorial… and well, I just wanted to thank whoever took the time and effort to take up the donations. I know he would have appreciated the gesture… Since that day, I just feel that I needed to know this for closure. I want them to let them know how much their generosity helped me."

"_Um, sure, I can look into it."_ Lauren seemed hesitant at the request, but never questioned it any further._ "Is there anything else I can do for you? Please know I'm here and Garden's here if you need anything."_

"No, that's it. I guess the only thing is, and I know it may seem like a lot, but would you be able to check into this as soon as possible? I know you're busy, trust me, I understand. I guess I was just hoping to put this chapter in my life behind me… and move forward. I feel like this is something left undone."

"_No problem Miss Heartilly, I'll look into this right away."_

"Do you need my number?"

"_No, we have it on file."_

Of course they did, they seemed to know everything – up to and including her bank account. Garden probably knew more details about her own damned life than she did.

"Great."

Rinoa's single word came out rather defensively; she hadn't meant to let her irritation show. Strangely enough, it wasn't with Lauren on a personal level, just the whole of what Garden had become. However, in this case, she understood their intentions; it was just their methods that seemed rather excessive.

"I mean, great, thank you." Although Rinoa tried to correct herself, she wondered if the damage already had been done.

It seemed that neither her nor Lauren said goodbye, apparently neither party deemed it necessary. She hung up the phone, her hand unknowingly trembling.

"Well, I'm glad that conversation is over."

"I knew you could do it."

"I didn't."

"You're doubting yourself again, don't," Squall assured, setting the notebook on the table. When Rinoa finally saw the inside, it had about two paragraphs of writing. Again, she would let it slide, though next time she might tell him to turn a page or two – if only for appearances' sake.

He stepped closer but still kept a distance at arms' length. She wasn't sure if she was thankful or upset that he didn't get closer, but he was most likely respecting boundaries. The call had been a difficult act and she had been known to respond slightly irrationally as of late.

She moved a few steps forward, taking a seat on the couch. "Now what? Just wait around for her to call back?'

"Basically."

A few seconds of silence passed. Looking at the clock, she wondered how long this would take the interim commander, or even if this lead would produce anything fruitful. More than likely, it wouldn't and then this whole exchange would be rather meaningless though… Rinoa had to correct herself on that, solely because back in the van, she had one of the most personal and intimate conversations she'd ever had with him. It wasn't forced like years before; both seemed to naturally find some common ground.

"She'll probably at least need a few hours," he added, "I doubt she'll be able to drop everything immediately, but I can tell you she'll be efficient."

"A few hours, okay then…" Rinoa was still staring at the clock, watching the mechanical movements of the second hand. Then it hit her like a ton of bricks and she jumped from her seat at the realization.

"Crap! I didn't even pay attention to the time. I need to get ready. Zone could be here any minute. Make sure anything case-related is out of sight, including yourself… Because seriously, that is another conversation I care to avoid for the next few decades."

"All right," he replied in understanding. Something didn't sit right with him, but that was due to his own personal issues, not hers. After what she had just done, he had no room to say anything.

"You know, Squall… while I'm out tonight, maybe there's a conversation you should have with Zell. I don't want to push you, I mean, wait if you're not ready."

"It's all right. I probably need to be nudged in the right direction. He deserves the truth, and should hear it from me…I feel like I owe him that much. It's just going to be difficult, how do I even bring up it up?"

She stepped forward, placing her hand on his shoulder. "You'll figure it out. As someone important once said to me, I know you can do it."

 

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-Two: Unnatural Selection_ **

* * *

How Rinoa found herself sitting in this restaurant was all becoming a dizzying reality. She probably had been staring at her water glass for the greater part of an hour and every so often, she would turn to her dinner companion, forcing the faintest traces of a smile. This should have been a simple task but somehow, it suddenly felt as if every ounce of willpower had been directed into this meal.

Thankfully, Zone had picked a place that was extremely casual; the last thing she wanted was to dress up and put on yet another charade. Her friend knew all her idiosyncrasies well – which at times, such as this, had become a mixed blessing.

Rinoa's conscience urged her to try to strike up a conversation, but the more logical side thought that it was easier to hide within the silence. It was a trait that she had mastered well over the last few years; one that she had come to realize often paralleled her former knight's. Even in the midst of a crowd, she could feel completely and utterly alone.

It was as if in the span of two weeks, everything that she had thought over last three years had been squarely placed into question. Rinoa found that in the grand scheme of life, her ability to recall the past had been tainted by her own skewed perception.

Squall's words from last night still haunted her. She had always known that she wasn't innocent, but now she felt as if she had given up too easily – he had reached out in his own subtle way. There was no grand gesture, no heartfelt plea, but something that was equally as difficult for the knight and she didn't listen, especially to the words that he wasn't saying. Instead, she boarded a train and whispered a few lines about finding a soul mate. Truth be told, her words were meant to hurt him, if she was truly being honest with herself.

The past was obviously more complicated than that, but that didn't negate the overwhelming guilt that she had somehow buried or, more than likely, just flat out refused to believe. The hardest part for her to accept was that he had seemed to have moved beyond their past or, at the very least, had come to accept it – failures and all.

Of course, any guilt seemed to multiply tenfold as she sat across from Zone.

Not only did she believe she was being unfair to Squall, she knew her long-time friend was getting dragged into a war he didn't even know existed. Every so often, she would contemplate how much damage could be done by telling Zone the truth about Squall's death. Of course then she would remember that it was_ Zone_ and know how badly that little scenario could end. To tell the one person who had always been outspoken about his dislike for the commander that the said commander was 'hanging out' in her house and was really not dead could bring about the biggest showdown since Ultimecia.

Not to mention, Zone's insistence that Squall willingly used to play mental games with her, although she never bought into that theory. Zone had only ever witnessed the negative of their relationship so it was only natural for him to see it as one-sided. If anything, she felt as if both knight and sorceress had equally been guilty of games by some accounts. Still, purposely faking his death and making her needlessly mourn would prove Zone's theory quite nicely. Rinoa wished that she could avoid the drama, but somehow, that seemed nothing more than a pipedream.

Again, Rinoa's thoughts of honesty were only fleeting. She would never betray Squall and Zell's trust like that; even toying with the idea was simply the manifestation of her guilt. Speaking of guilt, there was also that inner voice nagging her to talk to Zone about their relationship – more specifically, about the lack of one romantically. They had been friends since she was in her mid-teens so of course there was a _relationship_, just not the one Zone would have preferred. It seemed that no matter what, she had a knack for inadvertently hurting people. Whether it was by her silence or by her actions, it seemed like some things were inevitable.

Over the last hour, Zone had not pushed her in any direction. In fact, he had not brought up any specific topics nor had he honestly tried to engage her in any sort of conversation. He was just being there, being a friend, and letting her deal with her own obstacles. Their entire conversational exchange probably comprised of less than fifty words, most having been said suggesting items on the menu.

Her life had become a difficult combination of guilt and mourning but, for awhile, it at least was honest. She had been confused about so many things, so her actions and confusion came off as sincere. Now she was also trying to balance what Zone _thought_ to be true with what she _knew_ to be true, forced again to fall back onto her almost nonexistent acting skills. Hopefully, tonight would still come out better than her ill-fated conversation with Lauren.

Zone finally became the first to break, when the continued silence was too much. In a way, she was glad; her thoughts were starting to lead in infinite circles.

"So, um, Rin… your burger good?"

It was a relatively safe question so she figured that she could offer a relatively safe answer.

"Very. I really needed something like this... Thank you for suggesting it."

"Figured you could use some comfort food - it was this or pizza. But my overwhelming need for salty fries kept nagging at me, so hey, this won."

"Well, I approve wholeheartedly. Can't believe I've never tried this place before."

Zone pushed some ketchup around his plate with a fry when she didn't elaborate. He hated the silence of the evening. It really didn't feel like her at all. It felt like being with a stranger. He blamed himself for this; it was his actions after all that made him feel responsible.

When he had kissed her, he honestly thought she would reciprocate – and she did, if only for a brief second. Still, that one second gave him hope. It was something he wouldn't forget easily.

Her friend had seen a change in her after Selphie and Irvine's wedding. It was as if the small part of her that held out hope to be with Squall had finally accepted the truth. When she returned, she seemed to have fallen back into old patterns, though she fought against showing it. He knew though; he could see through the false smiles. Now, it seemed now that she didn't even have the strength to even mask it. Zone knew what kind of person the commander was since the day he met him. Still, people were blinded with the cold, enigmatic façade. He knew the type; he only knew it too well.

People would come to see the truth in time, they always did.

Zone would there every step of the way…just as he always had been. He knew that she had a hard time when she left Garden but with every day, she seemed to gain a little more independence. He had been with her so long, joked with her so much that he knew the strong, independent side of her well.

Still, even in his death, Zone blamed Squall. After all this time, the commander had a hold on her. There was one thing Zone's mind kept falling back on - that it would get better in time as he had been there himself. Both he and Rinoa had faced great adversities in their lives and both had survived. It would take time and patience, but she would learn to accept his death. In the end, it was for the better; he had to believe she would come to see that.

Rinoa sighed when the silence continued again; she was starting to think too hard about everything. There was no conversation that she could have that wouldn't sound forced, so she might as well try to make the most practical use of her time. Instead of internally tearing herself up over things she couldn't control, she could take a page from Squall's playbook and focus on things she could - work. She knew that people talked within her office so maybe Zone had heard rumors, unfounded or not. It was at least worth a shot.

"Zone," she began, trying to find her focus, "I... I, um, was curious, have you…have you heard anything about… you know?" She paused when she saw the look on his face. Apparently, he was not expecting her to bring this up, and truthfully, neither was she. Still, now that it was out there, she didn't exactly want to take anything back.

"I guess I'm just asking if you've heard if anyone's claiming responsibility. It's just the not knowing why it happened that's so hard… I know people talk... I suppose it's just human nature. I just wanted to know if you've heard anything?"

He exhaled, glad she was at least talking, even if it was about this. She was opening up; he took that as a small step forward.

"Rin, honey, you may never know the 'why.' Even if you did, no answer is going make it right… Garden by its nature alone has countless enemies. Far as the others who died… they were in the public eye and everything is under scrutiny, you know that. As for gossip – the only thing I've really heard is that the guy most likely has some type of agenda. There's probably a reason in his mind, but again, it's never going to make sense to anyone one but him. There's a few people adamant it may be about some kind of gun control…but again, people's reasons aren't always obvious."

"Yeah, I've heard the gun control thing before." It was true she _had _heard it_,_ though they had also started to rule that out.

"Did I ever tell you I dealt with Patrick Spinner before?" Zone asked as he reached over to her plate, trying to steal a few of her fries.

She rolled her eye at the action; he wasn't nearly as stealthy as he thought. Zone let out a small laugh, put his hands up in mock-surrender, and then continued his story.

"Yeah, I did – real piece of work. He was the guy killed in the hunting accident awhile back. The whole ordeal between us was ages ago or at least it seems. Watts and I were part of a joint committee overseen by the World Council. Basically, the continent of Galbadia was trying to limit logging around Obel Lake. The bill was supposed to protect so much acreage – which we eventually got it to pass. It took for damn well forever."

"Logging? You mean as in _trees_?" In her mind, an instant red flag went up, though her train of thought was obviously lost in translation.

"Uh, yeah that's usually what the _log _in logging is, Rin." Zone couldn't help but crack a smile at that. She seemed so genuine about her question. "I mean, for awhile, I think they were trying to log Chocobo feathers, but the attempts to build cabins out of them proved rather futile in the wind - not to mention those with allergies. Real bad."

"You're impossible, you know that?" she uttered, realizing how ridiculous her last question truly was.

Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that this was something worth probing. Soon as the word 'tree' registered in her mind, she couldn't help but draw a parallel to her and the SeeDs earlier discoveries.

"So Spinner was trying to help stop the logging?"

"Actually, no, quite the opposite. He was part of a group that added a last minute rider to our bill. It almost passed because of the offhanded language. Luckily, some guy from Dollet caught it. If we had signed it and it passed - yes, the forest would have been protected, but it also gave some company drilling rights near Monterosa Plateau. It was all rather underhanded."

"Monterosa Plateau…wasn't that where he was killed?"

"Yeah, I suppose it's some kind of poetic justice, right? I remember thinking about that the weekend he died, but back then, authorities chalked it up to a hunting accident. Still could be...who knows."

He paused, giving her a small, reassuring smile. Reaching out, he placed a hand over hers, offering a reassuring squeeze and then retreating just as quickly. It was as if he wanted to her to remember this, remember how easily they could talk, could joke – how he was always there for her.

"Rin…actually, I was thinking you were with me – as I think I made some kinda comment about the irony back then. We were upstairs in my office laughing when I saw the news report."

"Oh my god, I remember that – yeah, I was there. I remember you saying something or other about it, but I never put two and two together until now. You said his name was Spinner, right?"

She paused long enough to let him nod in confirmation, although she already knew. After today, all the victims were pretty much embedded into her memory. "He's the guy they say was the first victim right? I mean, I've tried to watch the news and keep up with things but… well, every time I do, all I can see is-"

She trailed off, reiterating how difficult this subject was. Somewhere along the line, Rinoa realized that she seemed a little too interested for someone in her supposed situation. It may have been unfounded paranoia, but she felt it best to cover all bases.

"Rin, honey, it's all right… talking about this is the last thing you should be doing right now. Tonight is about trying to help you heal, not trying to figure out why this asshole did what he did."

"Asshole, huh?"

"Well, that's the nicest thing I can say about anyone who could make you feel like this."

"I'd say that's sweet, but somehow, that sounds wrong."

"If there's any justice in the world, whoever finds him will shoot first and ask questions later. This bastard doesn't even deserve a chance at weaseling out of the pain he's caused. I've seen too many high-profile people get away with murder. I should know, I watched it firsthand," Zone stated as he started to rub her shoulder.

She tried to hide her unintentional flinch. A friend, he was a friend. She could barely concentrate as he continued, growing more uncomfortable with every passing second.

"Remember, it all comes down to that. People think they can get away with hurting others. They just need to remember who else they're hurting in the process."

Looking down at her plate, only a slightly welcome change from her water glass, she ignored the contact enough to concentrate on his words. She had forgotten how much Zone really could relate; he had watched his father die at the hands of Vinzer Deling and not one person did a damn thing. The President was a hero to the citizens of Galbadia, or at least he had them wrapped up in his insane delusions.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, more for her sake than his. "Your father, I wasn't even thinking."

"Stop that. The past is the past, okay? My father was a hero, he didn't die in vain. If not for him, there wouldn't have been the Forest Owls. People just needed to see the fucking bastard that Deling was…it sickens me that it took nearly twenty years… But I guess in a way, he got his cosmic justice too, right? Sometimes, it just takes the universe a little while to catch up. It always will catch up though, remember that."

"I suppose," Rinoa answered with a thousand thoughts swimming in her head, a mixture of the past, present, and future.

"You know what? I think we need to get out of here. How about going for a walk? I know you love the park. Don't tell me those lights don't cheer you up every time."

She let out thoughtful laugh. It was such a small thing, those simple white lights that twisted and turned within the branches of the trees. It was such tranquil beauty; she could look at them for hours from her office window.

"All right," she answered with a smile. "You really do know me well, don't you?"

* * *

Squall would have liked to say that the last hour had been a success, but that would have been a gross exaggeration of the truth, unless one defined 'success' as wearing a path in the carpet. He found himself pacing between the living room and the kitchen. Every so often, he would stare at the phone, wondering if it would ring. Not that he would answer it, he just wondered if Lauren had found out any information, or even if she was still looking into it.

He knew that she was just the type of person he was – thorough to a fault about details. They were both the type who would not delegate responsibility unless it was absolutely necessary. She would handle Rinoa's request personally. It was out of pride, duty, and a respect for him.

Then there was the fact Rinoa was out on a 'date.' Of course, this is when his conscious would chime in, telling him had no right to be upset, worried, or even the slight bit jealous, but this was also when his gut told him something else entirely.

There was something about Zone's earlier visit he couldn't shake. He wanted to ask Rinoa about it, because if they were to have any hope of starting over, they had to be honest with one another. Sadly, there was no way he could come out of that situation without looking like a hypocritical fool. His argument may have been a little more valid if he hadn't forced Rinoa to call Lauren. He would never forgive himself for that, he only hoped that Rinoa understood the importance – somehow, he doubted that greatly.

And then there was Zell…

All in all, Zell wouldn't have normally been a subject of debate. If it hadn't been for the promise he had made Rinoa earlier, Squall would have most likely avoided his comrade. The commander had already procrastinated and if he put it off any longer, she would be home and he would have let her down.

Okay, maybe he'd let himself down too. The importance of this actually went beyond any promise to her, but it was also the first time he would face his past head-on.

Zell had been taking refuge in the den. Squall figured now that he and his fellow SeeD had more distance than the span of the van's interior, the martial artist was taking full advantage of it. No one knew how long this reprieve would last. Not to mention, Zell could look up his own information with the convenience of her computer, though Squall wondered what he could possibly be doing over the past hours. Maybe's Rinoa's comment about her solitaire record had gotten the better of his card playing prowess. Although Zell had been a self-proclaimed Triple Triad expert, Squall believed that his friend's ego extended beyond the scope of a single card game. The commander wouldn't have been shocked to see him playing a hand or two – or a few hours' worth of computer solitaire. Whatever was keeping his friend occupied had been nothing more than a godsend for the last hour.

Drumming his fingers on the kitchen counter, Squall realized just how futile his waiting had become. His delaying was only making it harder on himself. It wasn't in his nature to procrastinate, but that was just one of a million things that seemed backwards in his life. With an outward disgusted sigh, the commander took one last look at his surroundings. Focusing only on the positive, he decided it was now or never.

Walking down the hall, Squall found the den's door ajar. For some reason, he opted to knock. It was just polite courtesy – and maybe, just maybe, the martial artist was in some deep-rooted sleep and wouldn't hear his feeble attempt at contact. No such luck as the room's occupant yelled in response.

"Come on in."

With his last moments of solitude, Squall took another deep breath as he ran his hand though his hair. He finally opened the door, noticing that the computer appeared to have a few random images of trees on the monitor. Not surprisingly, he also noticed that there was a small box at the bottom the screen that had been condensed, although not enough to hide the word 'solitaire.' The commander let it slide. Right now, even he'd be thrilled for a computer-generated distraction.

"Hey," Squall stated, unconsciously closing the door. Was he now afraid that Angelo would hear his confession and judge him for it? He shook his head. It had been habit, nothing more.

"Hey boss."

"Seriously, where's this boss thing coming from? It's either commander or Squall, preferably Squall."

Zell grinned innocently. "Sorry, not sure where it came from actually. Anyway, what s'up?"

"I suppose I should fill you in on a few things… before Rinoa left, I had her call Lauren for some information. She'll call back when she finds something out."

Zell squirmed in his seat, letting his mouth fall slightly in shock. He finally narrowed his eyes when no other action seemed appropriate. There were no words in this situation. None at all. Zell was positive that if Irvine had been here, he would have plenty of comments over this interesting development.

The commander seemed to understand. "Yeah, I know - awkward, believe me. Not one of the highlights of my life."

"Or Rinoa's… or Lauren's?" Zell added with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Probably not, but Rin survived. I knew she'd do well. I actually came in here to talk you about something else, if you have a second."

It was rare that Squall wanted to talk. Honestly, this was pretty much unprecedented. In the past, Zell would bring things up or force the commander into unwanted conversations, but purposely seeking him out and wanting to speak... again, unheard of.

"Besides from the being dead thing, is everything all right?"

"No, not really."

The words left Squall's mouth before he had time to contemplate their meaning. He couldn't think about this too hard or he'd never make it though. Just like his talk with Rinoa last night, he had to be truthful and not overanalyze.

"Before I go into more, I need to say something to you first. I should have never abandoned you back there. SeeDs never desert a mission, let alone a comrade. My actions weren't commendable, especially to a friend."

Zell could have berated his fellow SeeD or he could have even thrown Garden's mission statement in the commander's face, but in some odd way, the martial artist had rediscovered a respect from his superior that went beyond work. Squall's duties as a SeeD never wavered, but some personal decisions had left his friends scratching their heads.

"You know Squall, at first I was pissed, then I kinda moved into shocked, then I was _back_ to pissed, and finally I was more along the lines of surprised, but honestly… I'm not all that upset anymore. I mean, yeah at first I was, but, honestly_, I get it_. Seriously, didn't think you'd actually go through with it, but I get it."

"I'm just – I'm sorry. It was unprofessional and irresponsible."

"Yeah, it was," Zell agreed, "but I also bet it was liberating. It was a passion I hadn't seen in you since going to the Sorceress Memorial. I kinda just wish you'd have figured this out a few years ago, save all this drama, angst, and stuff. Next time, I'm gonna whack you upside the head if you don't have the damn sense to figure it out a lot sooner. Then again, there better not be a _next time_. Hell, I don't even know how there got to be a _first time."_

Well, that was about as good as an opening as Squall was going to get from his friend. The martial artist had pretty much paved the way and now he just had to follow down that road.

"Yeah, about that... I mean, regarding the first time. That's kind of what I need to talk to you about...about what lead up to everything."

Zell had to admit that his curiosity had peaked with those words. The commander had been a rather abstract puzzle over the last few years, even more so than his teenage days - that alone said something. Nothing ever felt quite the same after the Esthar mission.

In the years that followed, Squall's friends thought he would talk when he had been ready and much to their surprise, that time never seemed to materialize. Instead, their friend seemed to hide behind some façade which somehow ended up including Lauren – yet another piece in the puzzle that remained an enigma. Nobody understood, and to a point, nobody _wanted_ to understand. They had accepted her for her own merits, not because of her relationship with the commander.

Squall anxiously shuffled his weight though fidgeting was another characteristic that was not normally found in the young commander. He finally took a seat on the edge of the pullout sofa. It was unmade and rather disheveled, but the man didn't even bat an eye at the mess.

"I know I've never been completely honest about why Rinoa left in the first place…nobody was open about it. I just want you to know… it was never exactly what it seemed. I'm sure you or the others heard shit around Garden."

Up until that point, Squall had avoided direct eye contact. It may have been a weakness he still hadn't overcome, but he was never good at this sort of thing. Though with his last statement, he dared to glance over to the martial artist. That action itself was half out of courtesy and half out of curiosity. The former knight had never dared to ask what his friends had thought, and at the time, he didn't want to know.

"Yeah, some…"

Zell admitted awkwardly, shying his eyes away from his superior. Again, it was odd to be talking openly about this subject. It had been out of combination of respect, and underlying fear, that nobody had asked him directly.

Zell rubbed his injured shoulder, more out of a nervous habit than from the pain. "I guess, yeah, we talked among ourselves. I mean, only in our group, _never_ anyone else. We had more respect for you two than that… In a way, I suppose we were trying to make sense of it. Rinoa was gone and you were, um… for lack of a better word _weird_, and then a year later there was Lauren. So yeah…weird."

"About her, I mean Lauren… It's just…"

Squall stopped, wondering if he would have to go into the same sordid explanation that he offered Rinoa. It was the truth, but still, admitting that kind of weakness or addiction to someone other than Rinoa was something he didn't know if he was capable of. The commander was usually just as combative with his Garden-appointed therapist; he rarely said something unless it was snide or condescending.

"You don't love her." Zell stated, awkwardly expressing a thought Squall couldn't seem to finish.

"No. I don't."

Zell couldn't help but give him an awkward smile, "Shock."

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

Apparently, the snide and condescending comments seemed not to be limited to just him.

"Well, honestly it's not about _not _making it easy. That fact was just rather obvious, even to us…and let me guess, you still love Rinoa?"

"Didn't I say that to you in the van already?" Squall found himself snarling.

He had to remind himself that this wasn't Zell's fault; the martial artist was just working this out. Unfortunately, it just felt as if the comments were at the commander's expense.

"Yeah, you did," admitted Zell albeit sheepishly. "But the biggest question is – did you say it to her?"

With that, the commander fell silent. "No, not in so many words. Not yet."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated…"

"Only if you make it complicated-" Zell countered and then quickly amended his statement, "Oh yeah, forgot who I was talking to – making things easy just isn't your forte, is it?" When Squall didn't answer he continued, "So, I mean, do you think there's hope now or is this Lauren thing a little harder to brush off than you thought?"

"_Brush off,"_ Squall mentally chided. He hardly thought of it that way. He had a feeling that Zell was still a little confused about his and Lauren's relationship. Again, given the circumstances, it was rather understandable.

"About Lauren…" Squall began slowly as if he was trying to figure how to describe their relationship without it sounding, well, bad, "You know, once I heard Irvine joke that Laruen was just a booty call. It was more or less said behind my back - whether he meant me to hear it or not, I don't know. Still, it took all my self-restraint not punch him for saying such a classless thing… but looking back, I'm not sure if I was more upset because he'd said it in the first place or because, in theory, he was right. It was just physical, not romantic. Hearing that just seemed to put it all in perspective for me, yet, I didn't do a damn thing. I guess some fucked up relationship was better than none at that point…which, in no certain terms, I tried to explain to Rinoa last night."

Zell inwardly winced. He couldn't say he understood, but he also knew the sheer amount of pressure Squall seemed to put himself under. What was even more concerning to Zell was how well Rinoa handed it.

Sure, she would be glad that Laruen didn't mean anything, but he could also very well see the sorceress taking it as a slap in the face. Squall had never taken his physical relationship with Rinoa lightly; it took time. To have Squall engage in nothing but a physical relationship – well, it seemed to undermine everything that sorceress and knight stood for.

"Well, you're still here…so-"

"Barely," Squall scoffed, remembering just how close he was to leaving last night. Had the situation been reversed, he had no idea how he would have handled it. "But yeah, I'm obviously still here. That's why I said we're working on it earlier."

"So, um, I get the Lauren thing, or _kinda_ get the Lauren thing…but that doesn't exactly explain how you went from being a knight to well… _not_ being a knight, I guess? It seems like a huge step back and in the wrong direction."

And so here it was - what he had been avoiding for three years and countless sleepless nights.

Somehow, without thinking about it, Squall had inadvertently told the 'end' of his story, but seemed to have omitted the beginning. In reality, their downfall started months before the Esthar mission; it started somewhere between a jewelry store and the insecurities festering between them.

So that's where Squall would start, at the beginning of the end…


	15. Whom Gods Destroy, Wolf in the Fold, and In the Hands of Prophets

** _Chapter Forty-Three: Whom Gods Destroy_ **

Rinoa had to admit that walking in the open air was a refreshing change. She hadn't realized just how confining her life had become in recent weeks, not that she particular minded last night in the rain… but that was another matter entirely and rather inappropriate given her current choice of companions.

As of late, the only other time she had remembered being outside for an extended period was during Squall's funeral. And apparently, that little detour into the Quad turned out to be far more than it first appeared. Rinoa only hoped that the same could not be said about tonight; she already had far too many surprises lately.

At least the weather was cooperating tonight. The temperature was pleasant, maybe just on this side of chilly, but definitely tolerable and thankfully, there was no rain in the forecast. She and Zone had probably circled around the park a half-dozen times, but she had been too far distracted to pay that much attention to the details. Her feet walked on instinct and her body moved on its own accord.

Still, this night couldn't continue forever and walking in circles was more a hobby of Angelo's than hers. She wanted to head home, but was too busy concentrating on finding that fine line – the line between being outright rude versus what would be considered appropriate given their circumstances.

Since they had not spoken after they left the restaurant, the sorceress figured it would be a good time to strike up another conversation, or at least make an attempt. Sadly, her mind couldn't decide on a single subject of interest, at least, one that she could talk to Zone about. So once again, she found herself relying on the saving grace between them: their jobs.

"So, work today…everything going well?"

"Same old, same old," he answered, slightly disappointed that they were back to this. "Watts was hoping to get his part of the bill done before the baby, but FH is dragging their heels… you know, for the new trains."

Rinoa let out a sound somewhere between a snort and a laugh. "Yeah the Dobes. Honestly, I'm starting to believe their slogan is peace, love, and procrastination."

"No joke. I'm technically lead now on the damn bill. Watts is still the brains behind the operation and unfortunately, Flo is the brawns – and has the ability to have three countries come to a screeching halt."

"What now?" Rinoa asked, mentally rolling her eyes as she walked along.

"Well, apparently, the new trains won't be in harmony with nature. I don't even-" he mumbled, shaking his head in frustration, "I mean they're trains, how much harmony can there be!"

"Aren't the new cars more aerodynamically efficient compared to the old ones? I remember seeing the plans when I sent them to you. They seem pretty damn nice."

"Yes, well it's not the design or efficiency that's the hang up."

"Then I don't understand." Rinoa slowed her speed as she glanced at her friend.

"It's the _color_. She doesn't think silver matches the natural aura of the area. To try to change the color at this point would be an enormous hassle. I'm afraid even if we agreed to that change she'd change her mind again the following week. Who knows at this point? We'll probably have to paint them like a freakin' rainbow."

"I-" Rinoa opened her mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. There was no way to respond to that without crossing the lines and becoming extremely un-diplomatic. She started walking faster again, trying to digest the situation.

"Truthfully, right now, she doesn't want a rainbow, she just wants white. Flo thinks they should be 'pure' to blend in with the aura of the Great Salt Lake," explained Zone.

"Really? I mean…really?" Rinoa replied agitated. Sure she didn't mind the Dobes, but it was this kind of thing that usually brought good ideas to a screeching halt. This was the part she hated about politics – the part where she felt helpless. She hadn't meant to keep raising her voice, but she was honestly upset. "For god's sake, does the Salt Lake even have an aura? I mean, I know I've heard of if it for people, and I can see it for animals and even plants…but an entire dried up lake? I guess it's possible, not something that I know much about."

Rinoa realized that she was getting worked up about something that was beyond her control at this point. She had far greater things to worry about, plus she was sure that both Zone and Watts had heard enough of this to last a life time. She decided it was best just to go back her normal lighthearted approach when something like this was dumped on her lap.

"Well, at least if she dyes her hair white to protest the train, it won't be as noticeable as her last catastrophe. I mean, at least she won't be a green tree – although now I'm kinda leaning toward your vision of a rainbow train… I'd_ love_ to see her attempt at dying her hair then."

"God, you heard about that?" Zone laughed, "I have _no idea_ what that woman was thinking. Her head was so…_green_. You had to see it in person to get the whole picture. Then again, with the skintight one-piece brown leotard…gah. Just be glad you saved yourself from the image forever being eternally burned into your retinas. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night…it was _that _bad."

This time, they both shared an honest laugh. As they continued down the path, it seemed as abruptly as their conversation had started it ended just as quick. The laughing subsided until they were once again in uneasy silence. Zone walked with his hands in his pockets, unsure of what to say next. Sure, she was physically there tonight and once in a while, he would see glimmers of her true self but, for the most part, her mind seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

Zone was starting to grow frustrated with the situation until he had a realization. Rinoa had always been the type who needed to talk through her problems; she needed that chance to verbally reason. That was how she would gradually work things out with her feelings, but it appeared that she needed a prod in that direction this time. It was now or never, time to lay his cards out on the table.

"Rin, how come the only thing you and I can seem to talk about anymore is work? We used to have useless conversations that lasted hours – I miss that so much. Remember how we'd talk about anything and everything, but now… it's different. I really want you to open up; you need to in order to begin the healing process. It's important for your sake that you at least try to take that tiny step forward. Then we can do this, one step at time. So…I'd be very much honored if you would talk to me. No matter how hard you think it may be for me to hear, tell me anyway. I want to be there for you, just like I always have. We're friends forever, right?"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Rinoa tried not to let herself become defensive. It would only get more complicated from here on out.

"Friends forever, huh?" She had to genuinely smile after she repeated the words herself. "That sounds so… so _Selphie_, but it's very sweet coming from you nonetheless. Thank you."

Taking a deep breath, she called on her inner strength to continue, "Zone, I don't know if I can talk about everything yet. Honestly, I'm still sorting out all my feelings. As far as us talking about work, I guess it's because it is a relatively safe subject all around. Plus, hearing about things makes me feel like I'm still part of it, that I'm still making a difference."

That was the truth after all, though she doubted he would let it rest. If their situations had been reversed, well, she could be rather persuasive. Unfortunately, she expected no less out of him - obstinate persistence was pretty much a prerequisite for becoming a member of the Forest Owls.

"Rin, I know you might not want to talk about certain things, but that doesn't mean you _shouldn't_. Feelings can be tricky."

He had her there.

She knew she would have to give him something, if not this would become and endless cycle - he'd keep asking, she'd keep denying. She did owe him something, though that might not have been the best perspective. She felt as if she should talk to him because she wanted to, not out of obligation. That wasn't what their friendship had been based on all these years.

As she began, she hugged her arms tighter, it was an unconscious action brought on by nerves. "It just doesn't seem real, I guess. Every time I think it's over, something else gets thrown in my path. Sometimes…it just becomes too much."

Again, it was the truth, but her words also carried a double meaning. Thankfully, he wouldn't catch onto that minute detail. Who knows, maybe talking to him would help on some levels.

His feet scrapped along the pavement and he anxiously watched as the ground passed by. They finally rounded a corner which ended at a centralized fountain. As they neared it, he took a seat on the cement barrier as the water cascaded behind. Patting the space next to him, he silently offered her a seat.

Rinoa sighed inwardly, she accepted the invitation, but honestly, all she wanted to do was head back at this point. Unfortunately, Zone was thinking just the opposite and this would lead to a surprise yet to come.

"Rinoa, can I say something?"

"_No,"_ she inwardly answered, although that was not her verbal response. "Yeah, I suppose." There was no confidence in her answer. It was quite the opposite.

"It just seems," he paused, trying to phrase this as delicately as he could, "It just seems that things had been over with Squall for awhile. I know he had been a major part of your life…it just seemed that you were slowly moving beyond it. Sure, at first it was rough, but you have done so much here. I just was curious, what were you honestly expecting to happen after all this time?"

"_Moving beyond_ isn't exactly the same as losing all hope," corrected Rinoa – that certainly had been her line of thinking. "I guess before _this_ there was always some sort of lingering hope. Now, just when I start to accept the truth, well, something always seems to drag me back in. Now it's like I don't know how to give up that hope... as that 'hope' has been part of me for many years. I never could admit it before, but it was always there."

"I know it was, and really, I couldn't fault you for it – that is exactly who you have always been. Even if getting back together would have been the worst possible outcome for both of you. I think you never wanted to give up that last link to your past. I suppose it's also the hope that makes the past seem more idealistic. In our mind, it is always different than what was real. Memories can be bittersweet that way."

"What?" Rinoa somehow wasn't sure what he had meant about the 'worst possible outcome.' It was no secret that Zone always had his opinions about Squall. Apparently, no matter where she went, she couldn't get away from opinionated males today.

She knew her response would be both combative and defensive but she had to know.

"Zone I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at? Why would getting back together be the _worst possible outcome_?"

"Rin, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, especially just blurt it out like that. None of its important now. It was just an opinion anyhow, it shouldn't matter."

"You know, I've known you for years and I kind of have grown to value your opinion… So for my sake and the sake of our friendship, I'm asking you to explain."

It may have been a pointed response, but she sure as hell would like to know what he had been getting at.

He really had just let that slip. Here he had been trying to walk on egg shells and he pretty much ended crushing them into a fine powdery dust. Just when he was getting somewhere, he let his personal opinion get in the way. This wasn't the plan and seeing her angry about this was not going to help her move forward. It was too late now; he would have to give his explanation though he doubted she would even listen to reason.

"Fine… Rinoa it's just that… well, even if you had held out hope for some kind of reconciliation, in the end, it would have just caused more pain. Losing the hope now was hard, but the fact you were going to lose it was always inevitable. This way you can grieve and then begin to finally live again."

"I don't – I don't get it. Why?"

"You know, this is really not the time… I feel uncomfortable saying anything more. I suppose like you, I just said something out of emotion. Seeing you like this is hard on me too, you have to know that."

Rinoa had already had her share of arguments today, but she'd be damned to back down. She knew how much Zone cared for her. She also knew that most of his 'rantings' were completely off base… but she also knew she that was scared to death he might have a point. She was more scared of that fact than she cared to admit to herself.

For good or bad, she pushed him. "Fine, it _may_ have been emotion, but for whatever reason, you did say it. Trust me, I know more than anyone once something is said it can truly be forgotten. So I think the least you can do is explain. Maybe, maybe I need to know…"

Of course she wanted, no, needed to know. The last twenty-four hours had been nothing short of amazing, but she would be the first to admit that she had been conflicted. One minute, she would be upset with Squall, nearly kicking him out of her house. The next, well she would be kissing him in the garage. Oh yeah, she was so very confused. She tried to write it off as mood swings, maybe some type of reaction to their sorceress-knight bond.

Maybe hearing an outsider's opinion might shed some light on her erratic behavior. Although it wasn't exactly like Zone didn't have a vested interest in the outcome. He just didn't realize there was still that 'hope' that he had already dismissed.

"All right, I'll tell you, but promise me you will listen, honestly listen." Zone looked at her although she refused to make eye contact. "Let's say things had ended differently with you and Squall. Say after all this time, you two managed to find a way to work things out…then what? I mean, seriously? I know you Rin… you couldn't go back to Garden. You have so much going for you here, you've accomplished so much on your own. Going back to a place that you openly admitted made you uncomfortable would be ridiculous. Timber is your home, you know that. I don't know anybody who cares as much as you about the residents here."

Zone watching silently trying to gage her response. Again, he had never meant to be quite _this _forward. In the past, Rinoa had acted on pure spontaneity. That trait of hers seemed to have gotten under control in the last years, but once in a while, that juvenile spark would return.

…And that was what Zone was most afraid of - that she would walk away from something she had worked so hard on for that promise of 'hope.' She had done so once before five years ago, losing part of herself in the process.

The past was never going to be what she remembered. For good or bad, her 'hope' was based off an illusion of a fairytale, one that would never work out like the storybooks.

What surprised Zone more than anything wasn't her silence. He had grown accustomed to that. It was that she honestly seemed to be listening. He had to take this chance, it may be the only one ever granted to him.

"And Rinoa, this wouldn't have just been bad for you, it would have greatly affected Squall's future. You know, would he really fit in here? Think about this from his perspective - going from commanding the most prestigious military academy in the world to a town that's basically known because it's a transportation hub? Unless he wanted to work as a train conductor, tend a bar, or take up journalism, high-profile careers in Timber just aren't a selling point. Truthfully, neither of you would have been happy living the other's life… The fact is no matter what you felt for one another - that 'hope' would have eventually turned into something darker. You two _always_ lived separate lives, they just happened to intersect for a brief time."

He could have sworn that her eyes were tearing. She wasn't crying, but it looked like she was doing everything she could to keep from crying. He never wanted to see her in pain; his intention was quite the opposite. He just hoped that she could see that soon.

"He… I… we're two different people. We were in two separate places." Rinoa finally said, much to his surprise.

Somehow hearing that hit her harder than she would have thought. At first, she figured Zone's reasons would be some bullshit about her and Squall's relationship, but he had actually brought up valid points. She couldn't even go back to Garden at the wedding. She _did_ go back out of respect at the funeral, but that was harder than hell. She could never live there again. Ever. That bridge had already been burned.

Zone had stated it better than she ever could:_ two separate lives that happened to intersect for a brief time. _That's exactly who they were.

She had been holding back her feelings with Squall, now she finally understood why. Her subconscious had always known, but her emotions were caught up in the fairytale.

"What was I thinking?" she finally blurted out in almost a cynical laugh.

"You were thinking with your heart, nobody can fault you for that."

She shook her head. "He wants to be headmaster-" She realized her mistake quickly, though honestly, it probably didn't make a damn bit of difference. "_Wanted_ to be headmaster. At the wedding, he mentioned Cid was retiring… and then he said that he was working toward being the next headmaster. I never thought he would want_ that_. He hated being put in charge – now he was making it his goal? I guess…there was so much I didn't know about him – if I ever knew him at all. I thought I did, but then after he-"

She waved her last statement off. She would be wandering into dangerous territory if she continued down that path. Even now, she would keep his secrets again. "Never mind, it doesn't matter anymore."

"It's all right. I know how hard all the 'what ifs' can be. I still wonder what would have happened if my dad was still with me. Would the Forest Owls have still been around? Would I have known Watts like I do? What if Deling hadn't shot both our dads in front of us? You'll _always_ ask yourself questions. Honestly, they never stop. The key is knowing when to let it go."

He paused momentarily, drawing off his own experience once more. "I sometimes like to think that my father's presence is still with me, helping me stand up to people like Deling. Helping me do what's right – that's what he would want. I think Squall would want you to do what was right too. He wouldn't want to see you suffer like this. He'd want you to move on with your life and find happiness."

* * *

Damn… this was much harder than he had ever thought possible

There were always certain things Squall Leonhart had managed to keep to himself. It took some effort, maybe some irrational denial, and a whole lot more repression than should be necessary, but he had always managed. That mentality was probably the largest reason why he had found himself in this position today. Even after he had let people in his life, there were always boundaries he refused to cross. To him, they were his burdens to bear.

One such thing he never admitted was his failure in giving Rinoa the engagement ring. The only other person to have the vaguest clue back then was the jeweler who sold him the ring. Of course, now that Rinoa actually had the ring in her possession, it was quite obvious that his secret had inadvertently been told. How many 'others' were aware he didn't know or particular care to. Still, up until now, nobody would know the whole story surrounding it; he had learned to keep his secrets hidden well.

The commander never looked at Zell as he spoke, somehow that would make this seem like an even bigger failure. "Things were never perfect between Rinoa and I, we never pretended they were. After a while, what you are _expected_ to do and what you _want_ to do - well, the lines get blurred between the two."

"Um, what did you think you were expected to do?" Zell asked not truly understanding what was happening with the commander.

"Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. Again, sometimes, things can get blurred." Squall shrugged.

It wasn't much of a response and he knew that it wouldn't exactly move them forward. This was the point in the conversation where he would usually reply with some obtuse answer, but not today.

Shaking his head in disgust, Squall forced himself to do what never came naturally… to open up.

"About six months before Rinoa left, I'd convinced myself that I needed to do something. Maybe it was internal pressure, maybe it was just imagined pressure. I felt as if some things were expected of me. Like it wasn't my life, it was somebody else's. I simply couldn't handle the pressure… not from her, not from Garden, but from myself. Honestly, at times Rinoa didn't seem happy and sometimes I didn't seem happy. For whatever reasons, again not honestly sure, I ended up buying an engagement ring. I tried to ask her, god did I try… but I couldn't. The words were never there. Again, not positive if was because of her, me, or just circumstances. I just couldn't."

"What? Seriously man, you were gonna propose?"

"Yeah, who knows how our lives would have turned out if I had followed through... I've spent hours replaying it all in my mind and I still don't know what stopped me." He paused, looking downward. After all this time, he was still ashamed that he couldn't offer a definitive answer.

Strangely, it was Zell who offered a straightforward reason. "You know Squall, hate to say this, but, the one thing kinda important here is 'because you _wanted _to marry her.' You never said that. Seems to me if that was truly what you were ready for, there wouldn't be any unanswered questions."

"You're right…"

How right he truly was surprised the commander. It was simple and maybe in his mind, Squall already knew this, but hearing it like that put it in perspective. There was never truly a 'want' back then. It was more out of obligation and duty – out of fear, out of losing security. He had let so many little things slip by back then. His thought process had been focused on fulfilling an ideal to Rinoa, rather than facing his own reality.

He _wanted_ to jump out in space. He _wanted _to go to the Sorceress Memorial. He _wanted_ to leave Dollet two days ago. He _wanted_ to be with her now. Most importantly, he honestly wanted to be here now and that fact made him want to smile, but now was not the time.

"It really doesn't matter. That's not what happened." Squall said finally, snapping out of his momentary reverie "That's not how it ends. She doesn't leave because I don't ask… she leaves because for an instant – I hated her. I hated everything she represented…. But most of all, I hated myself."

Zell sat dumfounded. Squall often seemed to despise things in life, though using the word 'hate' felt extremely harsh. In his opinion, the commander strongly disliked many, many things – though he could never see how his friend could feel that way about Rinoa.

"You don't have to respond to that," Squall spoke softly. "And honestly, there is no way to. You don't know, you couldn't."

It was as if some spark ignited in Zell's mind. That puzzle he spoke of earlier seemed to have missing piece – one that had been obvious all along.

"Esthar?" Suddenly, it felt as if the martial artist was intruding on something so personal, something so private it should have never been spoken. "It was then… something happened."

"Yeah, _something happened_, I just…" Squall paused, not knowing how to say it so bluntly. Then with a final push of conscious, he finally whispered, "lost it."

With a little more affirmation, he said it again. Somehow, saying the words now made it true.

"Yeah, I lost it. There's is no other way to say it. Years, Zell, years of listening to others, being what everybody else wanted me to be… I never knew myself. In that instant I knew myself – and found out how much I hated what I saw."

Even though he tried to always remain the constant pillar of support, even Zell knew when it was the time was to remain silent. He just needed to listen. There was so much more to the man sitting in front of him, so much more than a forced title and the weapon he carried. He wasn't the world's savior, he was barely even a hero, he was after all just a man – one who had obviously had damned himself.

He had to do this, for him, for her, for a chance at them. To face his past was to pave their future.

"On the way to Dollet, I told you…. but I don't think you heard me. No one ever heard me, not even myself. When I told you I killed the cadets on the boat, it wasn't in the metaphorical sense you believed. It was the fucking truth. It wasn't a lapse of radio transmission, just a lapse of conscious, on that I honestly can't recall. It was a moment when everything, and I mean everything, combined into one buried moment. In the end, it was easier for me to buy into the lies, than to face the truth..."

* * *

There had been no sense of time.

Rinoa had been going through the motions, no matter what they were. It was only a tiny voice in the back of her mind that urged her to make this call – Zell and Squall needed some warning. Even now, she would find herself lying to Zone.

It was funny how easy _that_ was becoming – lying to Zone, lying to Squall, lying to herself. There was always a sense of duty, of conscience. She remained wordless as she and Zone sat there another twenty minutes at the fountain. Her silence really didn't seem to strange, given the nature of their evening.

Now they were slowly heading back to her home. Earlier, she would have been thankful, now she was anything but. Reaching in her purse, she pulled out her cell phone.

She had to lie. She always had to…

"I didn't realize the time. I was supposed to call Selphie… she's been worried about me." Rinoa's tone was monotone and flat, but maybe that was to be expected.

Zone smiled believing her, why would he not? "No problem, tell her hi from me."

"Yeah," she replied halfheartedly, "no problem."

Pulling out her phone she dialed a number, her own number. He would never know. Again, why would he think she was lying? There was one ring, two rings, until finally the answering machine picked up.

She knew it would. She had counted on it.

"Hey Selph, it's me. I'm sorry I missed you," Rinoa paused trying to sell her act as much as possible. That's what today had become – an act. "I know I was supposed to call you about an hour ago, I just got tied up and lost track of time. If you get this message, I should be home in about ten minutes; I'll call you back then."

She was going to hang up when she felt a nudging elbow in the side. She knew what he meant, however, she also knew just how badly this would go over from the message's true recipients.

"Oh right, sorry," she mumbled, "I forgot to say that Zone says 'hi.' Yeah, sorry about not calling… again, I'll be right home." After a final pause, she added, "I'm all right. I just needed you to know that. Bye."

Rinoa closed her phone. She had gotten away with leaving a message on her own machine, Zone honestly bought it. Zone would believe her. Squall would understand implied warning. It should have been a win-win situation, but somehow, it felt quite the opposite.

The walk was about ten minutes from the park to her house. She had tried to let her mind settle, tried to run through all the possible scenarios, but somehow, she seemed to have a hard time imagining a happy ending in any of this. Maybe she should have had a little more faith, but right now, a future with Squall seemed like a distant long shot.

She wanted to regret last night, but even twenty-four hours later, she couldn't. Maybe it was goodbye in their own unique terms, maybe last night was a meeting of souls as well as bodies.

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-Four: Wolf in the Fold_ **

* * *

As they reached the door, Rinoa silently fumbled for her house key. She already knew that both Squall and Zell would be out of sight; her earlier phone call assured as much. Hopefully, she had given them a little more time to prepare for Zone's arrival than this morning. She also hoped that they found themselves a more comfortable hiding spot then when bad timing and lack of options forced the duo into the closet. Then again, looking back that was funny as hell, although she would never admit that to them.

She couldn't believe the things that had happened in her life and this latest chain of events was clearly no exception. Rinoa only hoped that she could find a polite way to break away from Zone as she had a feeling that he wouldn't give up so easily.

"I wanted to thank you for this evening. It really was good to have a change of scenery."

She had at least offered him the truth this time - as it was nice to have a change of scenery. It was just everything else about the date that turned out rather unfortunate in her opinion.

Responding with a silent nod, Zone casually stood with his hands in his pockets. She knew that he was most likely contemplating his next move. Sadly, she was also contemplating hers.

The door opened with a small click and she turned her back to him. Rinoa closed her eyes, trying to sort through emotions and fight the hollowness inside. Her fingers gingerly pressed against the door before opening it slowly. She found herself dreading the minutes to come. Her eyes scanned the room, making sure the coast was clear. She knew it would be, but right now, she found that she needed that extra reassurance in life.

Making it a few steps, Rinoa tossed her purse on a nearby desk. She wasn't surprised when he had followed her inside. In fact, she would have been shocked if hadn't. She just hadn't found the nerve to turn around and face him yet. Unfortunately for her, he finally spoke the words…the ones that she already knew would come in one form or another.

"Rinoa, I'm really glad you had a good time this evening, I did too. I really think you made some good steps forward. I don't want you to lose sight of everything we accomplished together but… it never hurts to lighten the mood, right? So how about we turn this night around, I'll make a pot of coffee and then we'll find something on television."

His voice had already changed from a somber to a more upbeat tone. Now he just seemed outright hopeful.

"Come on, it's late enough so all those low-budget horror flicks should be starting. Together we can laugh at the bad acting and horrid plotlines. You know, just like the good ol' days? Honestly... who could ever forget the night we watched _Cactuar Island version 3.0: Revenge of the Cybernetic Plants_? I don't know about you, but I'll never look at a Cactus Thorn in the same way again – innocent item for crafting or bludgeoning instrument of doom? Plus, as an added bonus to sweeten the pot, I'll even make popcorn with extra butter – just the way you like it."

He paused as he moved forward, forcing her to make eye contact. She had to shy away; he had looked so hopeful, and now she was going to take that away.

"Rin, I know you didn't go for it this morning, but the night's still young and I don't have to head off to the office anytime soon. _So…_ since both of us are free for a few hours – you really can't give me an excuse."

Crap. She really couldn't.

…Except for the one that she had inadvertently laid out earlier. That wasn't her intent at the time but now, her phone call to "Selphie" served a dual purpose.

She mustered a smile, unconsciously taking one of his hands in hers. At the realization of the contact, her eyes widened and earlier nerves had immediately resurfaced. Casual contact had always been so natural to her; she often physically reached out to others. Rinoa had never taken it to mean something other than finding comfort with a friend. However, she knew that's not how Zone would interpret this particular gesture this time.

But at this point, there was nothing she could do. Now wasn't the time to say that she could never see him as more than one of her best friends; it would only lead to several long hours of conversation. He would try to change her mind and, in turn, end up staying into all hours of the night. Until she could tell him the truth about Squall, he would never accept her reasoning. It simply wouldn't make sense without her being able to give all the facts.

Rinoa had to accept that there would always tomorrow for further explanations. Although, she often found herself putting things off until tomorrows that never seemed to come.

"Zone, I'd really love to… but, um, I already promised Selphie I'd give her a call. And honestly, I don't know how long we'll be. Sometimes we'll stay up all night on the phone, talking for hours. I've tried to deny those years of my life for so long, but right now, I just need their support. The six of us went through so much years ago and because of the circumstances, I think we all need each other."

She looked downward before adding, "I really, really am sorry."

"_We_ used to talk for hours," Zone said under his breath. He glanced over at the five boxes still stacked by the door. As long as _they_ were in her life, he knew there was no room for him.

"I know. I know we did," she whispered apologetically. He wasn't making this easy in the least. "It's just right now, I really need to talk to her…she was with me through so much. There are parts of my life where only my friends at Garden will really understand. It's a different type of relationship with them, but it doesn't mean it's any better."

"It wasn't my place to say anything, I'm sorry. Just call if you need anything – no matter how big or small. I'll always be here if you need me… promise."

She inwardly cringed at his wording. It hit a little too close to home but she had to ignore her momentary uneasiness. "I know Zone… you're only a phone call away. Thank you."

With that, she let go of his hand and hoped that her rush to break physical contact didn't seem too obvious.

He started to leave but turned around as he neared the door. "Rinoa, don't forget what I told you. I meant every word of it. We can't lose _this_," he spoke softly, pointing his finger back and forth between the two of them.

In response, she offered a sad smile, believing that he was simply talking about their friendship. "I know… I don't want to lose this either."

Without another word, he took a step forward and started to put his arms around her. Rinoa reached up with every intention of returning his embrace but then she felt his lips upon hers. At that second, she was too horrified to even move, let alone reciprocate. Regaining her bearings, she pushed him away trying to remain calm but also be firm in her response.

"_Don't,"_ she managed to utter, still in shock, "-don't do that."

"Rinoa… I'm sorry, I thought you meant that you-"

"No stop. Please, just stop."

She placed her hand to her chest, what the hell had just happened? Her heart was racing, but it certainly was not for the same reasons as it did with Squall.

In that defining moment, she realized that it had all changed. No matter what she tried, no matter how hard she tried, she would never think of Zone in the same way. Tonight she lost her friend, someone that she had trusted like an older sibling. They could try to mend this, and maybe succeed to some point, but she could never be in a room alone with him and offer complete trust.

Rinoa now had another loss to mourn.

He wanted to find the words to make it better, to make her forgive him, to turn back the clock and make this all go away. He couldn't. He had put so much thought into this, but it was obvious that she wouldn't ever agree. He still couldn't regret it; he knew it had been right. But at this point, he also knew that he needed to back away from pursuing a relationship at this point.

Zone nodded his head and walked out the door – without a word, without a goodbye.

Her hand shook as she slid the lock into place. It took all her might just to turn around and as she did, her weight collapsed against the door. She was numb; this feeling was starting to grow too accustom over the last weeks. Her mind was still reeling, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

Finally, she was able to push herself off of the door. Rinoa had only managed a step before her eyes involuntarily focused on the figure in the shadows. She knew that he saw. She didn't even have to ask; she could already feel the truth. Why the hell Squall was anywhere near that scene – Rinoa honestly couldn't say.

"Squall-" she began, her voice almost void of emotion.

He raised his hand, cutting her off. "You don't owe me an explanation, you never did."

Rinoa wanted to say something, to tell him it meant nothing. _It didn't_. Yet she just said nothing. There was still that earlier revelation about their future and this event was another sign pointing to reasons they could never be.

This was not what she had planned when she wanted to be home earlier. Ironically, right now, Rinoa wished that she was still staring at that damned water glass.

Zell picked that time to walk out from the den and stood beside Squall. He figured the coast had been cleared once he'd heard the commander speaking. The martial artist was still in shock about their earlier conversations, but he was trying to take the revelations in stride. Zell was still slightly confused, slightly angry, but most of all, extremely hurt. Up until a few years ago, he had honestly believed that there were no secrets between the group – oh how wrong he was.

Even if he had lived a million years, Zell would have never attributed Rinoa's departure to _that_, and with the truth came a certain feeling of betrayal. But they were on a mission, so Zell would do his best and handle it rationally. He just needed time to digest the truth, but in a way, all three in the room were still fighting past their own personal barriers.

He was now no different than them. So he would smile and go, just like he always had.

"Hey, you're home," Zell announced, although that fact was rather obvious. He was at least more enthusiastic than either of the other parties, but he also had missed the goodbye kiss.

"Rin, that was a great idea calling the machine. I mean, I didn't get it at first, but then it hit me, and I was like _wow' she's damn smart_."

"I just wanted to warn you." Rinoa said, finally making her way from the door and over towards the couch. "I felt as if I owed you two that much."

"No, it was brilliant! Hell, even Squall was impressed and you know how rare that is. I don't think he's taken that much pride-"

"Zell," Squall warned by the way he said his name. The commander seriously doubted that Rinoa needed to hear pointless flattery at this point; it was obvious she had other things to concern herself with.

"Geesh, did I miss something?" Zell paused as his eyes darting between the two. "Damn it, _I did_ miss something. You know, I'm not even going to ask this time. I think it's better not knowing anymore tonight… I'm trying still trying to comprehend what I didn't know that I 'didn't know' in the first place."

Rinoa looked over to Squall. "You told him?"

"Yes, I promised I would."

She gave a wistful smile, before returning to an otherwise apathetic expression. She knew how difficult this obstacle had been for her former knight, yet he had found the will to overcome it. Anything she would say would most likely fall flat at this point. She wished that she could let him know how truly proud she was, but right now, she doubted the words would mean much.

When both Squall and Rinoa remained passive, Zell took it as a sign to break the tension. Walking up, he pulled Rinoa into a giant hug - a hug which symbolized all that she had gone through and even more so for what she had missed.

Her reaction had been uncertain at first as it felt slightly awkward after the encounter with Zone, but she knew that Zell's reasoning was completely different. She chided herself for even hesitating. Her hands then reached around him, returning the embrace. Maybe, just maybe, she was making peace with her past - one small obstacle at a time.

And in his arms, she had found a temporary comfort.

It was strange how much she really needed this closeness. This friendship had been missed more than she realized – with Zell, there were no strings, no ulterior motives, just honest friendship.

"We'll talk later," he said as he pulled away.

Rinoa nodded in agreement. She found herself liking that idea. Zell was one who knew all sides of the story, an ally that could truly understand. And just like back then, he seemed willing to lend an ear.

The three stood, again unable to defuse the underlying tension. Luckily, or maybe not-so-luckily, it was broken by the familiar sound of the telephone.

Rinoa looked to Squall. "Did she try to call back or leave a message?"

"No, only message of the night was yours."

She then walked over to the table and momentarily glared at the telephone. Never in her life had she pictured that getting a call from Lauren would end up a blessing. This distraction had bought her more time if nothing else. She closed her eyes and whispered silent encouragement to herself - just because she was thankful didn't mean she still wasn't uncomfortable.

"Hello?" It really shouldn't have been a question, but that's exactly how it sounded.

Squall instinctively found himself walking over to her. He tried to convince himself it was so he could prompt her if he needed a question answered. However, the deeper reason was that he just wanted to be closer, just for the sake of being near. He fought against that inner voice whispering that after tonight, this may be as close as he'd ever get again. He tried to push back his doubts and never let her see his fear. At least with the lights off, it was easier to mask his emotions.

"_Rinoa?"_ The voice from the other end questioned, slightly unsure herself.

"Yes."

"_I apologize that it took me so long to get back with you. Did I catch you at a bad time?"_

"No, I just got home actually… the timing couldn't have been more perfect."

Her gaze had unintentionally settled with Squall with that. He remained unfazed, his eyes meeting hers on equal ground.

"_I would have gotten back with you a lot sooner, but there were some unforeseen complications. I honestly thought this would be simple request, but…"_

"So you didn't find out anything?" Rinoa impatiently cut in. The one thing she didn't need in life was _more_ complications.

"_Well, no, at least nothing specific. The problem is I can't find anything. I mean anything from Garden's end. There's usually a paper trail…it's standard protocol. So even if an expenditure was placed in the wrong category, there's a system of checks and balances. I went through every bill, and I mean everything I could pull for the last two weeks and then even a few days before the shooting… Still nothing. I can't find a bill requesting payment externally or records of any money being collected internally."_

"I…I don't understand."

She looked over to Squall; she already knew he didn't like being on the outsider of their conversation. His stiff body language only betrayed his irritation. Garden was his area expertise after all. In any other circumstances, it would be him on the other end of the line. Because of this, Rinoa felt as if she was being unjustly scrutinized by him – it may have not been his intent, but it was most certainly the result. For her own peace of mind, she had to turn her back slightly from him.

Right now, that patented glare of his was only serving as yet another complication.

Rinoa needed to concentrate on what Laruen was saying, not on being paranoid. She had never been one who was good with facts, figures, and the basics of accounting. Sure there had been times when that information was useful, such as the reports she'd sent Laguna, but even then, most of that work was delegated. Her job in that aspect was to make sure things got from point A to point B. And right now, getting from point A to point B was being greatly detoured by point Squall.

"Accounting isn't really what I deal with… I'm really not sure how this works."

"_Well basically that's the problem, because this isn't how things are supposed to work. Not at all. So, I decided to dig a little deeper and that is where it started getting...odd."_

"Odd?"

She chanced a look back at Squall. Her last one word response was most likely gnawing away at him on the inside. She had to admit there was some perverse pleasure in keeping him out of the loop though. This whole thing was originally his damned idea after all.

She rolled her eyes, but that most likely went unnoticed in the dark. She knew this was killing him and as much as she liked to see him squirm, she took a sense of pity on him.

In a completely monotone voice, Rinoa finally tried to recap by responding, "I understand that you couldn't find any records about the donation and that goes against Garden's normal protocol. So… what about digging deeper into everything struck you as o_dd_?"

While saying the last word she narrowed her eyes, glaring directly in Squall's direction. She would be damn sure he saw_ that_ reaction. She wanted him to know that recap was for his benefit alone. It wasn't her normal way of responding, she sounded more like she was channeling Squall's line of conscious. Of course, Lauren most likely thought she was an idiot for summing up their conversation thus far for no particular reason.

If the interim commander thought Rinoa sounded strange, she didn't really say, but there was unusually long pause before she started speaking again.

"_First and foremost, I need to inform you that what I'm going to say doesn't go beyond us. Honestly, I ran this through Cid first, but he told me to keep you informed so…" _

Rinoa could tell that Lauren seemed troubled by the headmaster's decision. It wasn't as if Rinoa had any affiliation with Garden anymore. From Lauren's standpoint, there was no reason to be sharing classified information with a civilian, especially one who just happened to also a sorceress.

"I understand. Please know that I really do appreciate your efforts… The last few weeks have just been-"

Rinoa realized she was starting to give another 'cookie-cutter' answer. Something inside was nagging at her, telling her to take her own advice from earlier and remain true to herself.

"Lauren…I see how all this comes across as very unorthodox to you. I do get exactly where you're coming from…. To be honest, in the past, the headmaster and I have butted heads_… a lot_. It's a very long story, but for all those times I disagreed with his rules or Garden's philosophy, which was often…and again, I mean _really, really_ often, I always knew that he cared about Squall. Cid and I didn't agree on many things, but we agreed on that one."

She glanced over to Squall, whose gaze seemed to have softened. She offered him a sad smile, and he seemed to mirror the action. It was at least a momentary truce in their silent war.

Maybe Lauren herself was working this out, but for whatever reason, she too had remained silent.

After a few seconds, Rinoa softly added, "Some things are really just better left in the past, but sometimes, we just need the closure in the present. I think that's what Cid is trying to offer…the chance for all of us to move on."

It didn't take long for Lauren respond, but her more professional tone from earlier was dropped.

"_I've never known of the headmaster to give outsider information to anyone… but it honestly isn't my place to question him. So, I'm sorry for anything that I may have implied. Things have just been thrown in my lap…it's a little overwhelming at times."_

"I really do understand and to borrow your phrasing, it's an odd situation we find ourselves in, isn't it?"

Lauren let out a small laugh, "_Yeah, it really is. Hang on, I need to grab something."_ Rinoa could hear the phone being placed down, most likely on the desk followed by a few papers rustling in the background. The familiar sounds made her unconsciously smile as it took her back to another time, to another commander.

"_Okay, sorry about that, I'm back now… Okay, starting a few days before the funeral every time a deliveryman came into Garden they were directed to use side gate. We had someone there quickly checking IDs, but under the circumstances, it was rather lax. Mostly it was a 'drop off' type situation and they never officially entered the main building where security was much tighter. We didn't have a camera on that door directly, but I did manage to find a parking lot camera which actually covered that part of the entrance."_

"Wait, wait, I'm lost. What does this have to do with who bought the tree?"

"_Oh sorry, I kinda jumped the gun there."_ Lauren seemed slightly flustered when she realized how inappropriate her phrasing might be taken.

"_I'm so sorry…"_ she mumbled apologetically. _"Basically, when I found no purchase orders, I figured the next step would be to get a hold of the nursery the tree was from. So I went back to see if I could figure it out based on time stamps on the security tape… which that is the point where it became 'odd.' After searching through the tapes, I tried to see when the tree was delivered. I finally found two men bringing in the tree and several floral arrangements on a flatbed cart."_

"Did you manage to get a hold of the nursery?"

"_I'm working on it. On one of the men's shirts I saw a logo. It took me a little a while to place it with a business. Turns out it's from a floral and landscaping company just this side of Balamb. I put in a call with the owner to see if he can shed some light on this. But because of the hour, I don't expect him to call back until tomorrow."_

"Well, at least we're a step closer. Thank you."

"_I really didn't know this would be so complicated. It's all rather a mystery at this point, but I'll get that name for you tomorrow. I just wish I could have gotten the information sooner."_

"No, it's fine. It's not like I can thank them tonight anyhow. Oh, if you can get an address too, I'd like to send them a card."

"_I'll see what I can do. Again, sorry, I'll call tomorrow."_

After hanging up, Rinoa placed the phone back in the cradle, yet carefully avoided direct eye contact with Squall. It was different when she was on the phone, as there was a barrier between them but now there was nothing stopping their conversation.

There was much left unsaid between them, but it was for the best.

"There's nothing more she can do tonight." Rinoa's voice was barely auditable. "It's been another long day… I'm heading to bed."

"Man, that's the best idea today. Well 'cept for the solitaire… and Rin, sorry about the high score. Now you gotta earn it back," Zell replied with a mischievous grin. "I'm outta here. I can barely keep my eyes open. See you both in the morning."

It was quite obvious that sleep really hadn't been his intent, but he was smart enough to know when leaving was the best option. Of course, this just left two people in the room. Unfortunately, only an arm's length was currently separating them. Neither of them wanted to be the first to speak, until Rinoa decided to end their stalemate.

"I'll see you in the morning."

She also knew that she needed to get out of there before she completely broke down. She shook her head at the thought that even now she was holding out hope even now – it pained her to admit, but Zone had been right on that account.

Now that her reluctance made sense, she knew that she couldn't let herself fall back into the fairytale again. In their story, the prince and princess lived in two different castles, in two different kingdoms.

And Squall had been right, he didn't need an explanation. There was nothing to explain, at least from Rinoa's point of view.

So she started to walk away.

Reaching the base of the stairway, she didn't want to look back. She knew that if she did she would give in. Using the rail as support, she made her way up the few steps.

…But then a haunting realization dawned on her. The realization made her body instantly freeze. It was a sense of déjà vu that was literally paralyzing.

This wasn't a train station in Balamb, there was no rain, and there certainly wasn't the smell of roses – but she was once again walking away from him. In three years, she hadn't learned a damned thing. It was her own selfishness that was blinding; even if they couldn't be together as lovers, she would always need him as a friend.

She owed him the truth.

When she turned around, she found that he had made no effort to move. He didn't appear sad or dejected by her actions. Instead, he appeared outwardly emotionless. It was identical to his reaction upon seeing her with Zone.

"You were right," she began shakily. "I don't owe you explanation, that doesn't mean you don't deserve one." Her fingers tightened around the railing to a point she thought it might break. "When you asked me earlier if Zone thought this was a date… I told you the truth. Part of me believed that he did. I just didn't tell you _why_ I was so sure... The night you were shot, we kissed."

"Rinoa," he began but stopped just as quickly.

It wasn't his turn to speak - he had made his peace last night. At this point, he wasn't sure if the fear was because he believed he didn't deserve an explanation or because was afraid to hear one.

He also knew that he was being a hypocrite. In his mind, he believed that on an emotional level, Rinoa kissing Zone was damn near the equivalent of him sleeping with Lauren a hundred times. He knew that it was a stupid as hell comparison. But Rinoa was not him on any level, and when she loved, she truly loved with all her heart.

"Squall, I need to explain, but know, this explanation isn't just for you… it's for me too. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this… I don't know how much longer I could've lived with this guilt. Everything… it just keeps piling up."

It was becoming difficult to breathe but she found the will to continue.

"The night you were shot… I wasn't expecting it, but Zone kissed me… God help me, I kissed him back. It had been so long and for a minute, I could just _pretend_ – pretend everything was all right. But it wasn't right, _nothing_ about it was right. It only lasted a few seconds, but damn you, my first thoughts were that somehow I had betrayed you. That's irony, huh? And then, as if to make the guilt unbearable, I saw your picture on the news…that's how I found out you 'died.' The news...I saw it on the damn news."

She inhaled sharply, "As far as Zone…I haven't been able to look at him the same way since. With everything that happened, I thought he'd let it rest. I even tried to fool myself into thinking we could go back to normal, that I'd have one of my best friends back. Tonight…tonight I thought he was going to hug me. _That's all._ I didn't kiss him back. There had been so much said, so much going on in my head that it took a second for it register. And that.._.that's_ what you saw."

She closed her eyes. "I always loved him, but I've never been in love with him… he was special to me. But tonight it hit me… I just lost someone else who had been a great part of my life."

With those parting words, she turned and continued heading up to her bedroom.

Squall stood at the bottom of the stairs. He believed her, believed every word. There was no question about that. He just couldn't shake this feeling…that somewhere in between this afternoon and tonight, she had lost hope – hope for their future.

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-Five: In the Hands of Prophets_ **

* * *

For the last hour, Rinoa had done nothing but toss and turn relentlessly. At this rate, she wasn't going to be of help to anyone the following morning. It would be so easy for her to go across the hall and just let herself give in, but that would only be the short term solution. One she couldn't risk her emotions on.

There was a certain parallel that didn't go unnoticed by her. Three months ago, there was only a single wall between them at the hotel and now she found that cycle repeating itself. The only difference was that back in Balamb, her desires were impossible for more than one reason - the least of which was that Squall wasn't alone in his bed.

Yet tonight he was.

She knew that he was there, or most likely would be there, and she also knew that he would most likely accept her willingly. She also had her suspicions that he, himself, was not asleep either. At least that thought brought her some morose comfort.

She grunted out loud as she rolled over and buried her face in the pillow. It was damned near impossible to suppress the urge to scream. Because of her restlessness, Angelo had already given up on sleeping in her master's bed. It had only taken a few minutes of tossing before her otherwise faithful companion jumped ship; it said something that even her dog was completely annoyed with her.

Rinoa turned her head just enough to look at her alarm clock. She mumbled inaudible profanities into the pillow. It wasn't like her to talk like that, but she was utterly frustrated and she highly doubted Angelo cared about inappropriate behavior at that moment – as the dog was probably uttering something rather similar in 'Angelo-ese.'

It was then that something hauntingly beautiful happened - a knock at the door.

The prospects both thrilled and troubled her. She knew that part of her wanted him to come after her, to tell her that everything would be okay, and somehow they would find a way. But just like her starting to walk away from him tonight without an explanation, she was superimposing hopes of the past into the needs of present.

They were both better than that now - with distance and time they had matured.

Getting out of bed, she gave herself a quick once-over in the mirror. Her cotton t-shirt and matching short outfit would be appropriate. She didn't really need to finger-comb her hair to look more presentable, but of course, even maturity had boundaries.

When she opened the door to peek out, she was honestly stunned. "What are you doing here?"

Zell let out something akin to a snort. She might try to act indifferently, but he knew that she was disappointed that it was him. However, that never deterred him from his new mission.

"Just had a feeling you couldn't sleep and honestly, I wasn't fairing any better."

Rinoa still had the door semi-closed as she scanned the hallway nervously. "Squall?"

It was a one-word question but Zell knew how to read between the lines.

"In the den, we switched rooms…which is one of the reasons I'm here. I knew that couldn't be taken as a good sign."

Rinoa contemplated the meaning of Squall's actions. That fact bothered her a hell of a lot more than it should have.

"Umm….can I come in?" Zell finally asked when she seemed too preoccupied to extend a proper invitation. He raised two mugs, placing them directly into her line of sight. "I even brought you hot cocoa with extra marshmallows."

"Well, you most certainly did." Rinoa smiled. She opened the door and then looked at the drinks in his hands. "I guess this just begs the question, how did you manage to knock so well holding those?

"My awesome talent," he stated very matter-of-factly with a grin.

Taking one of the mugs from his hand, she looked at him doubtfully. "Awesome talent? Pfft…yeah, _right_…"

"Hey, just let me live in my own world. I like it in here," he protested. "Plus it's been a rough day."

The sorceress couldn't have agreed more. "You can say that again. Come on, have a seat."

Rinoa managed to climb onto her bed skillfully, hot cocoa in hand, without the tragic loss of a single marshmallow. When she was finally situated, she used her head to motion to the empty space beside.

"I always knew you were trying to get me in bed." Zell grinned slyly.

"You know it, lifelong goal and all."

They shared a small laugh. She took a sip of her drink, stretched out, and leaned back on the headboard. Zell followed suit, save for stretching out his legs; he crossed them much like a small child would. He took that opportunity to fully admire the intricate carvings and inlaid woodwork of her bed.

"Rinoa, I love this bed. It's absolutely gorgeous."

If there was one thing that not many people knew about the martial artist, it was his appreciation for fine craftsmanship. Over the years, he had dabbled in both metal and wood working. He had a surprising eye for detail and honestly, he wasn't afraid to say when something impressed him.

"Thank you, it's been in the family for nearly a hundred years now. Originally, it belonged to my grandparents. Caraway passed it on to me the day I closed on this place... I think in some way it was his version of an olive branch."

"Your grandparents had beautiful taste, you know?"

"I think so too, it was my grandfather's wedding present to my grandmother… Want to hear something really stupid?" She looked away wistfully, remembering a promise she had made herself the moment Caraway had the bed delivered. She couldn't believe she was going to be sharing this with anyone, but somehow, it felt right.

"I never had better role models than my grandparents – what relationships could be... I don't remember much about them, but I remember they were happy. I always admired them for staying together through thick and thin. It's funny as time goes on, I find myself envying them even more – what they found in one another. So, because of that, I made a promise to myself. When I finally shared _this_ bed with someone, it would be forever."

Her mood lightened as she tried to bite back any further meaning. "Well…since you're the first guy on my bed, I guess we're stuck together forever. So, should I inform your girlfriend now or later?"

He laughed, accusingly pointing to her with his free hand. "Ah ha! See, I _knew_ you were trying to get me into your bed and now I know why. You want my awesome self."

Again, they both couldn't help but laugh. "This conversation took a bad turn somewhere, didn't it?" she managed, catching her breath.

"Hey, I'm just calling it like I see it," stated Zell, trying to defend himself. After taking a sip of coca, he smiled back at her. "And Rin, what you said isn't stupid at all. I'm sure your grandparents would appreciate the sentiment… although I'm going to have to respectfully decline the offer as Alex might not be to open to sharing me." Of course, he had to add the next line just to annoy her, "But I could ask if you really wanted. I'm sure she'd come around."

Rinoa tried to sound serious. "You really have turned into Irvine. Selphie and Quistis tried to warn me at the wedding, but did I listen? No, just no… now look at the dilemma before me." Rinoa playfully patted him on the forearm as she continued, "However, I think it's now my turn to respectfully decline… only because I've had enough of dealing with girlfriends to last a lifetime. So you're totally off the hook for everything."

He tried not to laugh too hard, it wasn't a joke. Rinoa's response was rather humorous given their otherwise awkward situation. They probably both needed this break.

"Oh sure, laugh at my suffering," she shot back in jest. "I'll remember that as you're once again stuffed in the 'van from hell' and you're begging me to take my pillows and blankets with you. We'll see who's laughing then."

"Not funny. Not even close to funny." Zell offered her another smile.

There was a slight pause while both sipped on their drinks. He took this opportunity to finally ask about everything, "About what Squall told me, it's true, right? I mean, I'm sure it is… I just… It's hard, you know?"

"I really do know. It was all hard for me to understand too, still is. Back when it everything first happened, Cid pretty much left me in the dark on the details. …And Squall wasn't talking to me or, I suppose, _anyone_. The facts were strictly 'need to know' and all Garden thought all I needed to know was that leaving was for the best…or so I was told."

"I just can't wrap my mind around it…"

"Zell, don't try. I've tried for years and it gets me nowhere. Honestly, I don't even think he'll completely understand or remember, but it's mostly for the best. Some memories truly are left buried."

"So the whole knight thingy with you two, is that still there?"

Rinoa so desperately wanted to answer no, but the last weeks proved otherwise.

"It's there." The truth had been difficult to accept, but she finally admitted to it. "When he was shot, I saw him, I heard him. It's nothing I can explain in words. And then I was kinda lost for awhile. Truthfully, I didn't understand what was happening to me. One minute I'd be fine, the next I'm running out in the street almost getting hit by a car."

Zell crooked his head. "You know, it's kinda strange, what you described, well, not the exact details, but just the actions… it sounds a lot like what he described. His just turned out far worse."

"Really, he talked to you that much about it?" She was surprised that he had offered that much of himself to Zell. "But I don't think it was the same at all. Mine was because of the disruption in our connection, his wasn't."

"I don't know. I know it's not the _same_, but from what he said, you could draw some parallels. Yours was because you were fighting a bond you still didn't know existed. Maybe his was similar, except he was just trying to fight the bond in general, even if the fight had been subconscious. I mean, I know that the bond thing wasn't the only cause of his…breakdown. I've been around too many battles. I get the pressures that come with the field… just magnify that a million times for him. I'm just sayin' if you mix both your bond and his job - it's like the perfect storm in his head."

"Maybe he was right… I was responsible – the bond was responsible."

"Rinoa," Zell said firmly, "That's not what I meant. Don't ever think that. He was the one that pulled the trigger, even if other factors were involved. I know he's never forgiven himself for what happened."

Rinoa looked over at him curiously. She wanted to see how Zell was doing, _really _doing.

"Are you… okay with this?"

"Me, you're asking me if I'm okay? I'm not exactly the most directly involved…but to answer your question - yes and no. I understand what happened, but I think I'm having a harder time knowing that he hid it from us. I wish he'd trusted us enough to help him through. I…I also wish you had trusted us enough to keep fighting."

"I know... I made my share of mistakes, believe me I know. I think it was just easier for me to cut everyone out completely than think about what he said. I know that they were only words, but damn it, hearing it from him hurt more than anything I'd ever felt. So…I ran in away. It seems since I became a teenager, that's what I was best at."

"So maybe it's time you stopped running way - not physically, but mentally. Getting back with him wouldn't be the easiest road to follow, but somehow, I think it's the best for both of you." Zell offered her a lopsided grin. "Wait, strike that, I_ know _it's the best for both of you."

It seemed so easy for him to say, yet so hard for her to hear.

"Before tonight, I honestly thought that there may be a chance. But I came to realize, we're two different people who want different things from life. It would never work."

"Yeah…_no. _Just no." Zell was going to be extremely blunt; he wasn't going to see all this go to waste. "Okay, I get it, you're different, you always were…no big shock there. Now how _I_ see it, you kinda do both want the same thing in life - each other. Rinoa, the guy left a mission to fight for this chance. You're too busy_ thinking_ about what you think he wants instead of _asking_ him what he wants. I mean…did you even ask him?"

"…Not in the last day," she hesitantly admitted, looking down at her hands. She tried to find that earlier confidence. "But when I was at the wedding, it came up that he wanted to be headmaster."

"Psssh, yeah…the wedding… " Zell interrupted.

He needed to stop that line of thinking immediately. He was at the same wedding and had a damn good idea that neither Rinoa nor Squall were being the pillar of honesty.

"How 'bout this - at the wedding, _I said_ I that was never going to fall into that trap. I even tried to come up with a list of seventy-five reasons not to get married. And guess what? As soon as I get home, the first thing I'm going to do ask Alex to marry me and never look back."

"Are you serious!" Rinoa squealed, sounding eerily reminiscent of Selphie. Setting her mug down on the nightstand, she reached over to hug him. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks," he replied sheepishly, also placing his mug down to return the embrace. "After I got shot, I realized just how fragile everything was, even if was just my shoulder. But shit, it hurt damn it. It really hurt!"

They pulled apart as Rinoa continued to smile, glad for the sudden change of topic.

However, Zell also felt it was his civic duty to list the negative aspect about proposing. "You know the worst part? I'll have to face Irvine running around screaming 'I told you so.' He is never, _and I mean_ _never_, going to let me live this down. Not to mention that he's going to take me for another hundred Gil. That'll teach me to bet… I wagered that I wasn't going to be the next of the group to get married. Ugh, it was stupid. I blame the large amounts of free alcohol consumed."

Rinoa let out a small giggle, Irvine could be relentless. She had endured her fair share of good-natured ribbing from the cowboy. In the past, Zell and Irvine often made pointless bets and, apparently, that hadn't changed one iota.

"Oh sure, now you're laughing. It's all fun and games until someone loses a hundred Gil. But Rin, I think you're kinda missing my earlier point. That day, I may have come up with seventy-five reasons against marriage, but today, I only need one reason to follow through… And guess who said that? I'll give you a hint: he's downstairs."

She remained silent, stunned at his words. It seemed so unlike Squall to say something like that. Then again, it seemed so unlike Squall to buy her an engagement ring in the first place. He was truly an enigma to her – that too hadn't changed one iota.

"Rinoa, the point I'm trying to make is - that day, I said something I didn't mean out of pride. Inside, I knew I'd probably be next, but I didn't want to prove Irvine right so I made a fool's bet… Although I said I never wanted to get married, I do… Likewise, just because Squall said he wanted to be headmaster, he might not. "

Rinoa's earlier thought about being around opinionated males today never rang more true. She just never thought that Zell would be added to that list. She fell backwards onto the bed, placing a pillow over her head.

She finally let out that muffled scream that she'd been holding in. It seemed strangely appropriate given the newfound information.

What Zell was saying pretty much contradicted everything Zone had said, and yet, they both had valid points.

He looked over to her and laughed as the pillow remained on her face.

"Ah yes, now there's the Rinoa that I remember so well."

* * *

In the morning, Squall was the first one to wake. This fact was no surprise to anyone. Lying in the bed was pointless; his mind was focused on a thousand things, yet only few of them involved the mission. At that point, he decided it best to get up and find breakfast. He carefully searched the cabinets. Although he had done that few times over his visit, he had never actually attempted cooking. It didn't take long before he found what he needed and decided making both omelets and pancakes.

Strangely, he found that beating the eggs to smithereens was rather therapeutic seeing as actual training was completely out of the question. So he took out his frustrations on both the pancake batter and the eggs. It didn't take long after he started cooking for Zell to come meandering down the stairs. That was pretty par for the course; the martial artist had a penchant for seeking out anything edible. If only that skill proved useful at Garden, Zell would've easily been the number-one ranking SeeD.

Ironically, shortly after the coffee started brewing, Rinoa came down the stairs. The three of them awkwardly finished up what Squall started, preparing the rest of the meal. After they finally had all the food placed on the table, the trio settled into eating their breakfast. Again, the conversation up to that point was a bare minimum, but at least it was civil.

For the first few minutes, there was no talking. It was just random stolen glances. It seemed that nobody wanted to be the first to speak. When the atmosphere was literally making him feel nauseous, Zell decided it best to get back to what the three had started yesterday.

"So what's on the agenda today?"

Squall finished his bite of pancake before answering, "Hopefully Lauren will call soon."

"Does that mean we're leaving once we get the info?" Zell responded curiously.

"I…don't know. Maybe. We really don't have any other leads and we just can't impose on Rinoa's hospitality forever."

Rinoa flinched at his words. She knew that this unlikely arrangement couldn't last forever; she knew she should have been thankful for knowing the truth about Squall. Yet, the thought of Squall and Zell leaving saddened her greatly. She had felt a part of the old team again; she wasn't ready to give that up just yet.

She knew that the SeeDs were sitting around, basically doing nothing today. Although, she tried to convince herself that without her, the two would be most likely just be sitting around in the van doing nothing – plus trying not to kill one another in the process. She also knew that in order to get them to stay, she had to give them a good reason to, well one that had to do with their mission.

"Actually, there is something…" Rinoa began, taking a sip of her orange juice. She paused for a second longer than she needed after she got their attention. This information was either going to be very useful or very irrelevant. It was worth the risk though; maybe this really would keep them around longer, even just a day.

"Zone said something yesterday."

Upon hearing those words, Squall involuntary made a gruff coughing sound. It wasn't intentional, but he could only imagine the things that guy would have to say.

Rinoa shot him a harsh look. It seemed that he wasn't going to let last night die so easily, though she wasn't exactly practicing what she was preaching there.

"Zone said something about _the case_ Squall, about the case," she said irritably in his direction.

"Wait, you were talking about the case with him?" It was Zell who asked. The martial artist was sure Squall would have, if had not been for the fact he was heatedly impaling his pancakes at that point.

"_No, no, no_…not at all," Rinoa corrected. The last thing, or the next to last thing, she needed was for them to think she would betray their trust. She had just been desperate for conversation with Zone last night, grasping at straws was all she had left.

"I…we just couldn't find anything to talk about during dinner, so I asked if he had heard any rumors around the office."

"Wait, Rin, I think that by definition, it does sound like you were talking about the case." Zell had to point this out although it was meant teasingly.

Rinoa lifted her hands up slightly, mocking surrender. "Okay, okay technically I suppose that could be construed as talking about the case. I'm just saying I didn't mention you guys."

"Hehe, I knew what you meant, but had to do it. Sorry."

"Anyway, Zell…" Rinoa began again shooting a knowing look at the martial artist, "As I was saying, Zone said that he had worked with the first victim in the past or, I should say, worked against him in the past. Apparently, Spinner tried to add a rider on a bill which would allow drilling outside the Monterosa Plateau. The bill Zone was working on was actually dealt with logging and, don't forget, the Plateau was where Spinner was shot in the hunting accident."

"Wait, logging as in trees?"

Rinoa couldn't help but place her face in her hands. She had asked the same rhetorical question last night. Unlike Zone's response to her, she wasn't going to make Zell feel like a damned idiot for saying it. She knew he was basically thinking out loud, as that was the reason that she had said it. She finally looked up and gave her friend a smile.

"Yes, exactly. I just thought that was interesting."

A strange sense of déjà vu overtook the commander. It felt as if he had heard this before, or rather, something similar. He was trying to recall the information; he had absorbed so much over the last week that at times it ran together. Squall retracted into his own little world as the other two continued talking.

"Rin can I ask, as again, I'm clueless about this stuff… what exactly do you mean by a rider?"

"Don't worry. Three years ago, I was likely even more clueless than you." Rinoa smiled at her friend. "A rider is basically something added to a bill that usually has nothing to do with the original subject. For example, let's say I was writing a bill that would give Garden more money for buying weapons…so the bill gets written up. It looks good and people are going to sign it, but at the last minute, Cid adds a line at the bottom that states that from now on, the only thing that can be served in the cafeteria are apples; the money for the weapons have nothing to do with what's served in the cafeteria. So let's say nobody sees the 'additional clause' because they thought it was already final, they sign it, and then surprise…you better like apples…you're going to be eating a whole lot."

"Why would Cid care about apples? That makes no sense… I mean, I know he doesn't care about apples in real life, but I'm talking about in your example."

When Zell was asking the question, Squall stood up and tossed his napkin onto the table. He headed off the direction of the van without so much as an explanation. Zell and Rinoa exchanged a momentary glance at his sudden departure. Although both had seen him act that way in the past, they knew it wasn't personal; he just tended to do things like that when something was on his mind. They both watched as he opened the door to the garage and headed towards the van.

"Uh yeah…see that's the thing," Rinoa finally continued, acting as if nothing had happened, "Say after the law is passed – Garden has their new weapons and _you're sick of apples_… Later you find out that Cid put in the 'apple rider' because Edea started her own orchard. And guess who Garden buys all their apples from? I mean, that's a loose interpretation, but usually there is something to be gained by the rider, it just may not be evident at the time."

It didn't take long after that for Squall to reemerge from the garage, file in hand. Sitting back down, the commander tossed it onto the table.

"I knew that scenario sounded familiar," Squall began, once again returning to his stern work façade. "It's not exactly the same, but a similar thing happened with Christopher Pegg. I remembered reading that he was with a group that tried to get an up-scale vacation resort built on the Hasberry Coast. It's a protected area - one of the last few breeding places of the red-shelled Adamantoise, which are extremely rare. It almost got passed but, again, someone caught in time."

Rinoa reached for the file. "This can't be a coincidence."

"Ya know, I don't think this just about trees," Zell began as he found himself scratching at his healing shoulder. "I think it's about something that affects nature in general."

Rinoa wanted to ask what possible reason this person would have to go after Squall, but for a moment, she let that rest. At this point, it could have been any number of reasons. It didn't have to be Garden's doing; it just could have been something that they helped a client do - mercenaries don't always ask the right questions.

"Like some sort of eco-terrorism? It's just that whoever it is isn't giving a reason. He's just taking justice into his own hands," she said softly.

"It's subtle," Squall agreed, "but it's looking like we're finding the basis of the guy's agenda."

Zell was trying to work out why they hadn't found this out before. "You know, I did background checks into the stuff they were working on, but they never worked on things together. Still, I never looked into what didn't pass or whatever they tried to sneak in there, I should say. I mean, how do you even look up stuff like that?"

"You really don't." Squall added. "You would have to know what you're searching for. Plus if nothing ever gets put in print, it's hard to find proof. Parts of this could basically by hearsay - the non-finalized bills might never be seen. We may never know."

"But if we did…wouldn't that help figure out who the next victim may be?" Zell questioned.

"The original drafts," Rinoa started slowly, "they never make public record…but if they ran it through the World Council… well they keep _all _drafts and documenting every change. They would have every version that was drafted. Trust me, they're damn well everybody's business."

"You're right." Squall nodded in agreement. "We would just need to get a look at their records. That could give us some insight."

"So, what are we waiting for?" the martial artist asked with renewed enthusiasm, "Let's pull them up. It'll be awesome if I could officially be out of a coma soon!"

The commander understood his hopefulness, as part of him would rather not be 'dead' much longer.

Rinoa tried to explain, "I wish it were that simple, Zell, I really do. I know how much you want to get home to your family. We would need a password and then have to log into their system first but…"

"Only certain computers are on their server." Squall expanded on Rinoa's explanation. "If any of us could hack it, we may have a chance, but that's not anything that I'm capable of. And as far as I know, neither of you have those particular skills either."

Rinoa still scanned the file in her hand. "We need to get on the computer. We could download the files, but we would need the access."

"Can Lauren do it?" Zell asked.

"She could…" Squall felt extremely awkward about that entire prospect, "but I don't feel comfortable with that at all…for more than one reason."

Squall knew that it was one thing for Lauren to look up 'simple' information for them, but this was a lot more complex. Not to mention that he didn't feel exactly comfortable risking the council poking too deep into this – both his and Zell's life could depend on the secrecy. Also, Squall highly doubted that Garden could keep this line of investigation under wraps. He knew it just needed between the three of them right now, even involving Cid may add unwanted complications. They had to be sure. It just seemed that they had hit a brick wall in their abilities to gather this information.

"…I know a way." Rinoa finally said, although very hesitantly.

"We are _not_ having Zone help us." Squall stated forcefully. He may have irrationally jumped to the conclusion of what she had meant. However, after asking Rinoa to call Lauren, it somehow didn't seem too much of a stretch. "Not happening, Rinoa."

"I wasn't even thinking _that_," Rinoa shot back angrily. "I was thinking that _I _could do it. I, actually have access on my work computer, I just avoided logging in. The last thing I need is to deal with that extra crap. I'd just have to go into the office…"

"Wouldn't that raise more questions?" Zell asked.

"Yes. Maybe…I don't know. I was planning to go back anyhow…I just was hoping…"

Somehow, this didn't sit well with Squall. He didn't like relying on others and there was no way he would put this extra stress on her.

"It's too dangerous. If you're found then people are going to ask questions. Zell and I can't risk getting caught, not without making an arrest."

"Wait, what if I go into work after hours? I mean, it's not that hard to get into my office. From there, I just log in and download. Simple. Then I'm out of there. That way, nobody sees me, nobody asks questions. You got to remember this is Timber…we don't have high-end super security. Yes, we have a few cameras here and there, but they're easily avoided."

"You sure?" Squall asked.

It was true the files could be of help, but he still didn't like the idea of Rinoa putting herself on the line.

"Yes, I'm sure. It's not like I _wouldn't_ have a reason to be there if for some reason things went wrong. I…I just want to avoid going in during business hours." In a softer tone she added, "I couldn't deal with Zone anyhow."

"Fine, but I'm going with you." Squall stated assertively. "I can help you get in and out without detection. That's kind of my job."

She couldn't help it, but there was a part of her that was glad he wanted to be there. She always felt more assured when he was around. In a way, she couldn't help but feel slightly proud that she could be truly useful. For once, with Squall, she was the one who had the connections - even it was by mere happenstance that she had them.

Still, this would be the first time he was in her office, in her world. For this part of the mission, they would be playing somewhat opposite roles. Now they just had to find something to kill time until this evening…


	16. For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky, In a Mirror, Darkly, and All Good Things…

** _Chapter Forty-Six: For the World is Hollow  
and I have Touched the Sky_ **

During the course of the last four hours, Rinoa, Squall, and Zell had somehow managed to keep to themselves.

The martial artist spent the greater part of his time in the den. He only made the occasional trip to the van, but only when it was truly necessary. Zell's job consisted of trying to find information on what causes each of the victims had campaigned for, specifically focusing on those that would have adverse effects on nature. Although he did sneak a few games of solitaire in there once in a while – he hoped the others would be none the wiser.

Rinoa tried to find something to do that didn't involve being alone with her former knight. Her talks with both Zone and Zell last night had her thinking and she did_ need_ to talk with Squall but, right now, she couldn't get herself to do it. Maybe it was because she didn't want to hear his answers. So, she found herself going about the house and forced herself to clean. It was at least an attempt to keep her mind somewhat occupied. In her life, she never thought that laundry could turn out to be so therapeutic.

For his part, Squall had found himself seeking refuge in the van. As much as he tried to concentrate on the mission, he couldn't help but wonder exactly what in the hell had happened since yesterday. Sure, Rinoa was being civil to him, but there was something almost defeated about her. He would have liked to chalk it up to her kiss with Zone but, somehow, he knew it was something that ran far deeper. Maybe it was due to residual traces of their bond, but he could sense the conflict within her.

He wanted to ask, but again, he had already done enough. If she wanted to tell him, she would. So, he would wait…something in his mind kept telling him she'd come around in her own time. In yet another paradox of the past, Squall would be the one waiting until she was ready to emotionally open up.

He knew the risks when he came here. No matter what, he would never regret this stolen time with her.

It was a little past one when the phone finally rang. All three of them, despite their otherwise separate locations, immediately headed toward the living room. Rinoa had been the closest as she had been finishing up some dishes in the kitchen. Before she picked it up, she looked in the direction of the garage. It only took another second before the door opened. She inwardly felt relief upon seeing him; she was honestly glad to have him there for support.

With another breath, Rinoa picked up the phone. She knew who it would be, she just _knew._ Somewhere in the back of her mind, she had to distance herself from the fact that this was the woman sleeping with Squall. Rinoa needed to think of Lauren only as a competent SeeD instead. It was the latter that got her though the conversation and, if it hadn't been for the former, Rinoa honestly believed that she might have come to like the woman.

"Hello."

Again, if she put certain facts out of mind, Rinoa was becoming more comfortable talking to the interim commander – this again, should have said something about their predicament.

"_Hey Rinoa, it's Lauren. Did I catch you at a bad time?"_

"No, I was just finishing up dishes…trust me, that can wait."

Lauren laughed slightly from the other end. _"I'm so sorry to tear you away from that, honestly."_

It seemed that even she had grown more comfortable too. Not to say that either woman ever let their guard down entirely, but their earlier professional tone was definitely more relaxed.

"_I wanted to let you know that I did get the call back from the owner of the nursery. I just got off the phone with Cid to verify... Again, it's nothing personal, just protocol_. _He told me to share the information relayed to me."_

"Oh, okay…" Rinoa was so very confused. Never in her life did she think that asking for a name would involve using half the resources of Garden, which is exactly what it seemed like at this point.

"_The thing is…the second person in the video had nothing to do with the nursery in Balamb, which would explain their different uniforms. The owner said the man who had the tree offered to help him bring in his floral arrangements…and instead of making several trips, he agreed. So together, they loaded his flowers onto the cart. Again, the tree was already there when the guy approached him. Since they walked in together, the SeeD watching the gate just assumed they were from the same nursery… they weren't. Yet on the sheet, both men signed in being from the same place. The real guy signed in first and the second guy just copied the business name."_

"Wait, wait, wait? What exactly are you saying?"

"_Whoever that guy was who planted the tree, lied on the sign-in sheet. He piggybacked off of someone else's business credentials. Unfortunately, Garden's security focus was on those attending the funeral, not those who didn't."_

"He still had to sign in with a name, right? What did he put down?"

"_Douglas Birch, but it's most likely an alias. So, as far as finding out 'who' ordered the tree – well, at this point, the person who delivered it is…well, he's rather suspect. But because of this, we now have something to go on. You might have just stumbled into something… Rinoa, I wanted to thank you and I'm sure Squall would appreciate this greatly... I just wish I could've been more help to you in finding closure, but honestly, you helped us a great deal by making the call."_

Rinoa felt an uneasiness she hadn't experienced sense facing Ultimecia – it was a deep-rooted fear that nearly paralyzed her.

"I need to go."

As if on autopilot, Rinoa hit the disconnect button on the phone. It was rude, but she could barely manage the few words that she said. She held the receiver close to her chest, trying to fight that growing fear inside her.

"Rinoa?" Squall asked as he reached forward, finally prying the telephone from her fingers. Handing the receiver off to Zell, the commander tried to get her to respond. When she remained motionless, he placed his hands on either shoulder in an attempt to make her look up at him.

"Talk to me." It was said almost as a plea. "Hey, hey look at me." He gently shook her shoulders, which finally made her look upwards.

"…He was a tree," she finally said in barely a whisper.

"Rinoa, you're not making any sense, what's going on?" Squall kept looking at her, forcing her to meet his gaze.

She let out a bitter laugh.

"God, I'm stupid. We're stupid. Hell, Garden's apparently the most stupid." Rinoa shook her head in utter disgust at the realization. "The guy who planted the tree wasn't with any nursery. He actually helped someone else in the parking lot…some idiot at Garden assumed they worked for the same company. When he signed in he used the name Douglas Birch – the name is a damn tree."

"Shit, that was him… and you were-"

The realization hit Squall and he quickly pulled her to his chest. No matter what problems were happening between them, he would always feel protective of her. And because of him, she had been there with that man – most likely the man who was behind it all. It was all speculation at this point, but there were too many common denominators to overlook.

The commander couldn't believe how sick and twisted it was, to plant a tree in honor of the person you killed. Garden had been so focused on the people attending the funeral that little attention was paid to those just dropping off flowers. She was right; Garden had been the most stupid of them all.

…And the bitter irony of it all was that whoever this person was used the exact same ruse as Squall and Zell had. The two undercover SeeDs had easily blended in as one of the floral delivery trucks. The headmaster had figured people would overlook the obvious, but nobody thought that the killer would too.

Rinoa pulled away from him, as again, she was looking to him for comfort. Everything had gone to hell since last night, though at least they appeared to be one step closer to identifying the killer. When this was over, he could return to his life at Garden and she could try to go on with hers.

* * *

After the phone call, all three had found themselves together in the van. Maybe it was newfound insight, or maybe just finding security in numbers, but somehow, being separated didn't seem like such a priority anymore. Even if the three weren't really talking, they still found away to work smoothly together as a team.

Zell used the computer in the van, wisely refraining from any games of solitaire. He was still writing down any commonalities between the victims. Squall spent the time looking at the floor plans of Timber's government building. Rinoa specifically marked the locations of the few security cameras. Again, he was most likely being overly precautious; it wasn't like breaking into Deling's Presidential Palace, but it was just in his nature to be prepared for anything.

After marking the cameras on the blueprint, Rinoa spent the rest of her time going through the videos. Since she had seen his face, she hoped that she could pick him out. Then again, it was most likely that the guy knew exactly what he was doing and avoided cameras. She glanced over to Squall who was still scouring the floor plans. Again, she thought of the parallels between what the commander was studying now and the research this man had mostly likely done on Garden.

Rinoa and Squall were seated next to one another, although they were working on separate things. It seemed that during the course of the last few hours, they had somehow managed to drift physically closer although, that may have had more to do with the van's limited space – then again, maybe not. Every so often, they would glance in the other's direction, though it usually went unnoticed by the other party.

The rest of the day went pretty much the same way until it started getting dark. Squall insisted that they wait until much later to head out, which Rinoa agreed to – it was common for a few people to stay late at the office and she had been no exception to that rule. As the time to leave grew closer, Rinoa and Squall found themselves getting into more appropriate attire. For Rinoa, breaking and entering wasn't one of her favorite pastimes, whereas Squall seemed to be much more comfortable with the idea.

As the two got ready separately, Zell worked on making a late night dinner before they headed off. Squall decided it was best for the martial artist to remain at Rinoa's house. It wasn't worth it to add any more risky variables to their little adventure.

Rinoa found herself wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. She wasn't sure if that whole 'dark clothing from head-to-toe' thing was too cliché or not for sneaking in, but it seemed to work well enough in the movies so hopefully, it would translate into real life as well. Combing her hair into a ponytail, she took one last look before heading down the stairs.

When she walked into the dining area, she noticed that Squall was already sitting at the table; apparently, he decided to embrace the cliché too and wear all black. Then again, it was Squall so it wasn't exactly a stretch of wardrobe on his part. If he had noticed her arrival, he didn't say anything about it. He was too busy reading a file and eating some sort of biscuit that Zell must have whipped up.

The martial artist pulled a second tray of biscuits from the oven before he noticed her walking towards him. "Hey Rin, you're looking very Squall-afied."

With that, the commander finally looked up shooting Zell his infamous glare, though that had pretty much been the norm over the last few weeks. It also seemed to multiply tenfold since their arrival in Timber.

Rinoa didn't respond to Zell's comment, she just stared in amusement at the sight. There was something extremely humorous about the man standing before her. Zell had put on one of her aprons, one with a life-sized embroidered Mog donning a chef's hat. He wore the matching oven mitt on one hand, also in the shape of a Mog. She had just thought the set was rather cute when she bought it but she never pictured anyone wearing it but herself; she just couldn't help but outwardly chuckling at the sight of Zell adorning the outfit.

"What, you're not laughing at me, are you? Come on, I think my attractiveness just went up ten points on the manly meter. Do you _know_ what it takes to pull of this look and still look damn fine?"

"I really need to spend some more time with Alex." Rinoa's laughter continued as she walked into the kitchen. "She's done some amazing things. I give her that."

Zell pointed to his freshly-made biscuits with a smirk. "This? Nah, this one wasn't Alex. This was Ma all the way. She's had me baking as long I can remember, it just took Alex to make me say 'hey, I don't care who knows.' Um…" Zell looked at her pleadingly, "but let's not tell Irvine, okay?"

Rinoa rolled her eyes as she grabbed a plate from the counter. "Whatever you say, I'll take pity on you for this one. You're already losing a hundred Gil to him…you don't need to lose any more."

Even though Squall seemed oblivious to the exchange, he wasn't. He had developed multitasking to an art form over the last five years. When Rinoa finally took a seat at the table, he set the folder down and looked at her.

"You ready? I was thinking of heading out about an hour. Try to get some surveillance in."

"Yes, yes I'm ready. Do you have the flash drive for the files?"

"I have that and a back up." He paused before causally adding, "You look good wearing all black."

She tried to hide the blush creeping onto her face. The last thing she expected was some random flattery. "T-thank you…well, you do too, but that kinda used to be the norm with you."

He offered a rare smile. "Oh, I still have my days, trust me. Once in a great while, I get the old leather jacket out of the closet and head off to the training center. You know, when I'm in one of those old nostalgic broody moods you used loved so much."

Rinoa winced as he talked about his jacket. Ah, yet another thing she had done that now needed explanation.

He saw her expression and immediately thought that he had said or done something wrong. "What?"

This time, she folded her arms on the table and then rested her head on them. It was easier to tell him that she got rid of his 'oh-so-favorite' jacket when she couldn't see the irritation on his face.

"Um, Squall about your jacket. I kinda gave it away…" She paused, still too afraid to look up from her hiding spot. "You know, during that _whole I thought you were dead and ended up owning all your stuff _thing. I'm so, so sorry…. I'm pretty sure, under the really weird circumstances, I can ask for it back."

There was a long moment of silence when she heard nothing from him. Finally, she decided it was time to face the music as she slowly raised her head to look at him.

And he laughed.

It was odd, not at all the reaction she had expected. It had been the first time he had done anything like this the last few days. Even a few years ago, she rarely heard it and certainly not in front of a third party.

"It's okay, it's really okay." He reached over, putting a hand on her forearm. "I'm not mad. I've already assumed that a lot of my things are…well, not where they were." What surprised her next was that he basically shrugged off his possessions simply stating, "I already have the most important things with me anyhow."

"Again, Squall, I'm sorry…I just was so overwhelmed I never expected the will-"

He cut her off there. Now wasn't exactly the time to explain how he had never changed his will or even his reasons for why. That was better left for another time. So he quickly tried to change the subject back to his coat.

"So, who'd you end up giving it to?"

Rinoa winced again. A week ago, her reasoning seemed to make sense, but now, she would have to explain that to him. "I gave it to Quistis."

"Really?" he questioned, trying to figure out why she had gone that route. Part of him hoped that maybe she would keep it for herself, but that was rather presumptuous given their history. Then again, she did have five entire boxes here so he obviously still meant something to her.

"Squall, sorry…it was kind of surprising to me too. It's just that Selphie, Quistis, and I were all in your bedroom and talking. When I pulled it out, I remembered what an important part of your past it was. I knew Quistis was there the day you took the exam at the Fire Cave. I knew she was at Garden the first day you ever wore it to school… I just wanted to give her something to remember you by, she was there for you since the orphanage until the day…well, yeah…you know."

He stood up, walking behind her. Bending down, he gave her a quick kiss on the head. "You did the right thing, thank you."

Squall didn't know what possessed him to do that, but the action had been instinctual. He knew that she had felt guilty. Honestly, he didn't care about material possessions; he had already told her that everything that was important to him was already with him – he just didn't know how literally she took his words.

"I'm going to be in the van making last minute plans. Let me know when you're ready to head out."

After Squall went into the garage, she started picking food off the plate in front of her. She heard a deep chuckle as Zell took the seat next to her.

"It's so like old times." Zell pointed out. "Except, you know, Squall laughing and all."

Rinoa found herself wincing again. Ever since last night, she didn't know whether she was ready for 'old times.'

Because, truthfully, look how well that turned out for both of them…

* * *

It was well past midnight when Squall and Rinoa made it down the final hallway. Before they entered her office building, he had insisted on surveying it for nearly an hour. He wanted to make sure that it was entirely empty – free of any late-night stragglers or possibly even a member of the cleaning crew. It might have been overkill, but again, he didn't want Rinoa to take the blame for this. Of course, she was trying not to fall asleep out of sheer boredom after the first fifteen minutes.

At least she had been correct, getting inside had been a breeze. The few security cameras on site were mainly focused on the outside; this had been done as a deterrent due to some previous bouts of teenage vandalism. Again, they were easily avoided if you knew exactly where they were located. A few minutes later, the duo found themselves inside after using the emergency stairs and making their way up to the third floor.

Using her key, Rinoa took a deep breath before finally opening the door. She didn't know why it suddenly felt so uncomfortable to have Squall in here. Earlier, she was thrilled to have him see what her dedication had earned, but now, she also felt a little bit intimidated. Quite frankly, this was nothing compared to Garden and its glass, gold trimmed, and extremely spacious offices. His office and the adjoining waiting room alone probably equaled the entire third floor here.

For Squall's part, he hadn't expected to be taken aback, but he couldn't help the smile on his face. His response would be hidden in the darkness as neither would turn on the lights. It wasn't worth the risk and there would be plenty of light between the streetlamps and the computer monitor.

"Well here it is…my home away from home."

She walked in and headed directly to her chair. While the computer booted up, she sat back and closed her eyes. It had been several weeks and she did find an odd sort of comfort just being in the room. After a few seconds, she glanced over to Squall who was looking at the framed pictures on her wall. She had no idea how he could make them out, but he didn't seem to be having any troubles in that department.

"Okay, computer's booted. I just need to log in."

Walking over, Squall retrieved the flash drive from his pocket. He started handing it to her when he realized that she was searching through her top drawer.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for my passwords," she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

After another second of digging, she pulled out a piece of folded notebook paper. He moved behind her, curious at that point, as she unfolded it. At the top was boldly printed the word 'passwords' and then a long list of assorted passwords.

"You can't be serious," he groaned. This was about as big of breach of security as he had ever seen.

"Hey, like I said it – it's Timber."

"Yes, but-" he started but then realized it wasn't his place to comment, "Never mind."

She laughed. "Oh man, this has got to be killing you, right?" She turned around and laughed at him, playfully she poked him in the stomach. "And do know what? We don't even lock up our office supplies in the main closet either and there's no form in triplicate to get a new stapler. Right now, I could walk in there and take all the pens and build a mini-fort in here."

"I could go get a new stapler if I needed," he replied, facetiously crossing his arms, but then rolling his eyes Squall added, "after I put in request, but you are very wrong – there is not form in triplicate for office supplies – it's only a single…but I do have to make a copy."

She giggled at his mock defensiveness as she turned back to face the monitor, "Okay, sorry, I stand corrected."

A few seconds later, she found herself at the home page for the World Council. She had never even bothered going to the site as the general principle made her feel nauseous. It took a few seconds for login verification to load, but she easily found herself at the main screen.

"We're in…where to now?"

Squall leaned over, whispering, "Can I?"

She barely was able to shrug a response, but she would be happy handing the reigns over to him. Rinoa started to stand up, but he placed a hand on her shoulder, gently keeping her in place. Instead of taking the chair himself, he would be more than satisfied just to lean over her, reaching for the keyboard and mouse.

Rinoa inwardly groaned at this; she wondered if he was just being 'gentlemanly' letting her sit or if he was getting some perverse pleasure out of forcing her to be this close. Either way, he didn't seem fazed by their proximity. Thankfully, at least, he seemed to know what he was doing computer-wise. It didn't take long before thousands of files were streaming on her screen. He inserted the flash drive into a port, hit a few keys, and then watched as the data started transferring.

"There. It's going to take a few minutes. Any ideas?" he whispered into her ear.

She wasn't sure what he was implying or if she was taking his comment completely out of context too. It didn't really seem to matter either way, as something caught his attention on her desk. She could tell that he pulled away; it took another moment to understand why. He moved over, picking up a freestanding picture frame.

"You have a picture with you and my father…on your desk?"

He couldn't help but feel slightly irritated at this discovery. No, he had no right to intrude on her life, but seeing that picture pained him. He didn't hesitate at seeing the other two pictures on the desk, one was Angelo and the second was her, Zone, and Watts. Even though he wasn't thrilled by seeing Zone's smiling face, which wasn't the point, but he had expected something along those lines.

"It's not just a picture of your father. It's a picture of my friend who also happens to be the President of Esthar."

"Semantics," he responded, placing the picture frame down a little harder than intended.

"Really, is that how you see it?" she shot back, not believing his hypocrisy about the subject, "So…who came to my house two nights ago, my former knight or the Commander of SeeD? One would have never endangered a mission to risk telling me the truth, the other one apparently would..._and did_. Sometimes people can be more than just one title – you should know better than anyone."

"I also know better than anyone that some people can't always pull off the two simultaneously."

"What's your problem now?" She had tired of this – this wasn't about them. Laguna was her friend and whatever issues remained between those two had nothing to do with her. She cared for both of them deeply.

"Who said I had a problem?"

She stood up, looking him directly in the eyes. "Nobody had to _say _it…it's actually rather obvious. Would you rather I keep a framed picture of Cid or Lauren on my desk, would that be more satisfactory to you?"

"You aggravate me so damn much, you know that, right?" He knew that the picture wasn't the cause of his frustration, just a catalyst at this moment.

The sorceress let out a harsh laugh at his words. "One minute you're suggestively whispering in my ear, the next you're upset because of my choice in pictures? I'm sorry, but your opinion really doesn't count in this case."

She stepped closer, defying all sense of personal boundaries. He found himself at a loss for her words when he saw the pain in her eyes.

"Laguna was actually there for me over the last three years… He actually sat at the funeral with me, trying to calm me down. And guess what? After Xu told me about the will, guess who sat on the floor with me when I broke down? Everybody else at Garden didn't exactly know how to treat me… You know, Laguna didn't know what happened between us either, but he never,_ never_ looked down on me for it or blamed me for what happened."

Squall looked down to the floor, ashamed of his earlier reaction. "I was aware…at least of most of what you said. And honestly, that was the best thing Laguna Loire ever did for me. He was there for you."

"Then why the hell were you so upset to see the picture there?"

"Gut reaction." He looked at her earnestly; it really was just old wounds that he, himself, had already promised to mend when this mission was over. "Confusion, anger, jealousy…I don't know."

"You're jealous of my relationship with your father?" She was thrown off by his words.

"No," he admitted against his will, "I was jealous of his relationship with you. Semantics again, I know."

"What?" Even now, his confessions surprised her, before he would never admit something so openly.

"I saw you two dancing at the wedding, the way you talked to one another…and then at the funeral he was there for you when I couldn't be. I'd never been more shocked when I saw Ellone sitting up front with everyone else…but Laguna, he stayed back for you. I knew why he did it; I would have done the same thing. I have never respected that man more because of one simple action – he didn't leave you behind."

Rinoa placed her hand on his shoulder. "Sounds to me like something you two should talk about, maybe some good could come out of all this… I know before you never even wanted me to mention his name, but Squall… I was there with him at the funeral, believe me, he was hurting yet he tried to remain strong for me, for Ellone, for all of us… Since you came back, I haven't even been able to call and check on him. I can't lie to him. I can't. This could be second chance for both of you."

He nodded, this really wasn't about the picture on her desk at all; it was about so much more. He had always admired her ability to empathize; it was quality he seemed to greatly lack. It appeared that she desperately wanted father and son to reconcile, but what about sorceress and knight? She had been avoiding him all day. There were times she'd let her guard down, but it had pretty much been an emotional rollercoaster sense their reunion.

"Rinoa, what about us? Is this a second chance for us also? You've given off so many mixed signals that I don't know what to believe anymore. Two nights ago, I thought you wanted the same thing I did. Then last night… I mean, what the hell happened? You said it wasn't about Zone kissing you, or about his feelings but, if this isn't about him, then what is it about? Do you want an _us_ or not? I need the truth, Rinoa."

The words were finally out there, now the rest was up to her…

 

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-Seven: In a Mirror, Darkly_ **

* * *

Rinoa turned to the computer, hoping that the files would have already transferred. At least that way, she would have an excuse to keep her words to herself. However, there was no such salvation for her as the distraction she wanted was only twenty-five percent through downloading.

Knowing that she was on borrowed time, she turned back to face Squall. The way he was looking at her, the way he still made her feel after all these years – it almost killed her that in the end their failed reconciliation would come down to this moment.

But that's exactly what this was, the futile reach at the impossible.

How dare he come back into her life after all this time?

How dare he finally say all those things she had been longing to hear for the last three years?

How dare he show up in the rain, make love to her, make her fall in love with him, and then just end up leaving once again?

It took her too long to heal the first time; she would be damned to allow herself to be weak a second time.

"You're a fool, you know that? Why can't you just see it too…?" The words were not as eloquent as she had hoped, but at least they were finally being said. "You're going to just leave in the end and then what am I supposed to do? Go through all this again?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked with confusion, truly he had no idea where she was getting this, "In all probability, yes, I'll have to leave so we can finish this case, but I'll be back. Rinoa, this mission can't last forever… you know how close we are to finding this asshole?"

"You think _that_ is what I'm talking about? I don't know how you're getting _that_ out of what I just said."

"Well, honestly, I don't get where you're getting it from either." Squall shot back at her, equally as frustrated. "Care to enlighten me on your newfound clairvoyance?"

He was getting tired of this of the doubletalk; it was bringing back aspects of their relationship that he had purposely forgotten. Neither of them actually said what they were thinking, it was all a lot of assumptions, which in turn led to a lot of misunderstandings. He would be the first to say that communication on an emotional level was never his forte, but she seemed to have that problem equally as much sometimes.

Rinoa realized that it was true that she may have not been clear on her meaning. Thinking back to her words, she could see how he may have interpreted it to mean 'leaving from the mission' rather than 'leaving from her life.'

"All right, all right, I get it. I'm probably not making much sense… I'm still trying to come to terms with things myself. I think I finally understand why it is so hard to let you back into my life. Zone said something that got me thinking."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're taking advice from him?"

Hearing that was the last straw for him. He put his hands up in surrender; he certainly had no chance with her if she was going to listen to that man for any sort of life guidance. "Just go live your life with him then. I'm sure he just so happened to mentioned how you two were destined to be together and whatever other bullshit he pulled out of thin air."

She found herself angrily defending both herself and Zone. Squall Leonhart had no right to judge anyone in the instance. "Yes Squall, I'm well aware he may have had ulterior reasons for saying what he did, but that certainly doesn't negate his point about us."

"_Us,_ huh? I'm so glad you're taking relationship advice from Zone. Shit, I'm sure you've already informed him every little sordid detail about 'us,' or rather, about me," the commander hissed. He wanted to remain calm, but this was so damn infuriating.

"No Squall, he doesn't. If you're implying that I would tell about what happened in Esthar – then you really are a damned fool. I made a fucking promise to you, and at least one of us around here has to keep our promises. If you hated me so much three years ago, if you hated me for my powers, and apparently, what I was capable of doing, then why the hell didn't you have the courage to tell me before you-"

She couldn't even finish the words; the hatred in his eyes _that day_ would haunt her forever.

A hatred directed solely towards her at the role she played in his breakdown. Her body collapsed until she was on the floor, her back against the wall for support. She didn't look up at him; she didn't even want to see his face at the moment.

That cut him deeper than anything she had ever said to him. He closed his eyes and leaned against her desk. It was all going to hell right in front of him and he deserved every second of it. He had taken her worst fear and turned it against her. Out of spite. Out of hatred. Out of the overwhelming failure he felt for just being alive.

Two nights ago, they had made it through the Lauren aspect, but this was something that went far deeper. He crushed her trust that day – he knowingly and spitefully tried to crush her.

"I never hated you, Rinoa. I hated myself. I hated everything about me at that moment…and I just wanted you to feel the pain I was in…I _wanted_ to blame you. That day, I had one of my greatest fears come to light – I failed everyone, those cadets were depending on me and I did the unthinkable. Because of the hatred towards myself, I wanted to make you feel one of your greatest fears. It wasn't right… I have no excuse for what I put you through. No words will ever make up for that. I could say 'I'm sorry' a million times and it wouldn't mean a damn thing."

He could barely remember anything about that day, just his need to lash out at others, specifically at her. Ironically, the one thing he did remember was smashing the pictures on his desk. Here, he was upset with her for having pictures while he had shattered the few he used to have to pieces.

"In one day, I failed as a commander, a knight, a boyfriend, and a person. I never should have been your knight, you deserved someone so much better, you deserve so much better…"

She was no longer angry. She should have been, but again that unmistakable need to be there for him took over. She managed to stand from the floor, taking a step closer to him.

"There was nobody better for me, there never was…" she began softly. "And I wanted to hate you, I wanted to hate you so damn much…but I never could."

She stopped when she realized what she had been doing. She was falling right back into that hope. Taking a few steps back, she turned around to look out the window. Her eyes focused on the small flickering lights of the trees – looking at them was safe, looking at him wasn't.

There was almost a minute of silence, while each tried to come to terms. Rinoa could sense when he moved behind her. Even if she didn't hear his footsteps, she would somehow always know when he was that near. Squall remained a slight distance behind, mentally following her line of sight to the trees. He looked at them only a second before returning his gaze toward her.

"Rinoa, if its bothering you that much, please…please tell me what Zone said. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did, I'm willing to listen now if you're still willing to tell me."

Rinoa fidgeted with her necklace as she silently weighed her options. She could tell him what Zone had made her see, tell him that they were living two separate lives, but then she ran the risk of him trying to talk her into this long distance thing that would inevitable fail. He would ask and she would weaken, but she didn't want to be that helpless child anymore…they had both grown past that.

If it hadn't been for Zell's speech last night, she might not have even found the courage to broach the subject at all. But she needed to know… she needed to know what he really wanted in the future, wanted out of a relationship. It was nearly impossible to read him at times.

She would do this without turning around, she couldn't look him the eyes. She needed him to understand her attachment to this place, to its people.

"Squall, do you remember that little boy you saved six years ago…the one who nearly got hit by the train?"

"Yes," he answered as he vividly recalled the incident - the two children playing near the tracks, the train, and only his trained instincts to guide him through. He didn't have time to be scared when it happened. But afterwards… well, he couldn't stop dwelling on the 'what if's.' He never admitted those fears to anyone, not back then. They needed a leader who showed no weakness, he couldn't let them see inner doubts.

Rinoa never expected him to answer further; she just wanted to show how every action had an equal, or in this case greater, reaction.

"Well, that little boy works here now. Can you believe that? When he turned sixteen he became a volunteer. When I asked him why he at his age he was here… why he spent hours of his time working for no pay… he said it was because of you. He remembered the way you helped him, and he wanted to help others in the same way."

"Rinoa, I-"

"No, no…please, believe me, there is a point this." She needed to get through this without interruption. It was hard enough already.

"Squall, I just wanted you to know that even when we're not even trying, sometimes we inspire people. I love the people here in Timber… I'm sure that sounds completely idiotic to you, to care about the citizens here so much. It's not saving the world from time compression, it's not fighting an evil sorceress - it's building a fence to help keep children off of the train tracks. It's holding a model railroad contest for scholarships. It's where my grandparents are from, where my mother lived until she was eight. It's my history too."

She let go of her necklace and pointed to the trees. Her hand was shaking, there was no way of disguising this to him; she wasn't foolish enough to even try. "See those lights? I helped get the funding for them…I even climbed a ladder and help put them in the trees. It's just a small cosmetic change, but I hear the children when they talk about them. They all love to go to the yearly festivals and see the lights. We add more, a lot more then… the entire town is coated in them. It's amazing."

"They're beautiful," Squall answered softly.

There was something so emotional exposed about her right now, that no matter how beautiful the lights were, she outshone them in his mind. He had never taken the time to know her mother was from Timber, or even about her grandparents. He had spent so long trying to deny his own family that he tried to deny just about every other relationship. There was so much he never knew about her…or her about him, but he desperately wanted to correct that.

This truly was a second chance for him on so many levels.

He could no longer bear to see her shaking; instinctively he took that step forward and placed his hand on her shoulder. Her body shuttered at the contact. He thought that maybe she would pull away from him, but she didn't.

"Don't you see Squall? Even the little things around here… I love them. I love being here. I've lived a lot of places all my life, but none of them have ever truly been a home until now."

"Nobody's asking you to leave."

She turned around at that, leaning her back against the window. It was pointless to hold back the tears; she couldn't deny them anymore.

"Not yet. Not now… but that's why you and I can never work out. We're two different people, living two different lives. I want to stay here and you want to be headmaster…it's too…" She couldn't finish. It was too hard for her to even say.

She cared deeply for both Squall and Timber, but in the end, Timber would never leave…

"What?" Squall asked, truly at a loss, "Why, Rinoa? Why would you think that I would really want to be headmaster?"

She let out a somber laugh between the tears. "You told me, back in Balamb."

"Rinoa, I-" He rubbed the bridge of nose, wondering how he had gotten himself into yet another mess. He then looked up at her and simply said, "I don't want to be headmaster. I never did."

"But what do you want then Squall? I mean, what do you think is honestly going to happen between us? What Zone made me realize last night is that - yes, we are two different people who lived completely different lives… We were just lucky enough to have them to cross for awhile… and honestly, it was great when they did. I would never wish those years back. I…I can't be happy in your world at Garden anymore, Squall…and I'm so damn sorry, I wish I could."

She wiped her eyes, still refusing to look directly at him. "…And he made me realize that you would never be happy here… Timber isn't what you need and unless you really, really want to spend the rest of your days doing maintenance on a train, running a bar, or becoming a journalist – this place has nothing to offer you. You don't belong here."

If it was possible for him to telekinetically strangle Zone, he would being doing exactly that right now. Never in his life had he felt this much anger toward another living being. If she had never gotten these ideas in her head she would not be doubting herself at all, doubting him, and most importantly, doubting them.

Now, at least he understood exactly where she was coming from. As much as it pained him to admit, five years ago, Zone would have been most likely right. But that was in the past and he would be damned sure that he was going to set her straight.

He raised one hand, cupping her cheek as the other one snaked around her back bringing her to him. She still didn't look up, but he could feel her cheek resting in his palm.

Rinoa didn't resist as there was nothing left in her to fight. She wanted to give in to him; she honestly wanted all the indecisive pain to stop.

He never had to think twice about what he was going to say, he already knew.

"Rinoa Heartilly, if you think I left in the middle a mission without believing it was going to be my last one – you are sorely mistaken. If you think that I would expect you to return to Garden with me after everything… absolutely not. That place hasn't been a home to me in over three years. It's just the damn place where I happen to live."

With that she looked up at him, unsure if he was truly implying what she believed, or if it was another figment comprised of her mind's hopes.

Squall only paused long enough to wipe her tears, although his battle was proving futile. He was going to make sure she knew exactly what he meant.

"Rinoa, if I had to work on a train for the rest of my life, I'd learn to be the best damn mechanic this side of Grease Monkey in Balamb. If I had to work at a bar, I'd be the best qualified bouncer this town had ever known…. And if I had to be a journalist…well, Laguna would find one more thing to offer his sage advice on."

And as if to turn her example around for his own benefit, he added, "If you think that I'm not already a part of Timber right now, well, then just think back to your story of the boy working here. Seems to me I made a difference there too, even if that was never my intent. If that isn't enough, I helped with the withdrawal of Galbadian soldiers and, hell, I even found a Triple Triad Card for a guy who could barely stand up… I even have an elderly gentleman already mad at me for searching through his cabinets looking for the Owl's Tear. Again, not one of my shining moments, but you know what? I have history here too, it's not the same as yours, but it's my own."

"Squall, but-" She was barely able to say anything before he stopped her.

"Shhh…. Rinoa, now it's your turn to listen, okay? There are thousand things I could find to do here. Damn it, I'd even swallow my pride and work for Zone on Timber's defense if I had to. But the one thing I can't do… live here without you. I've screwed up enough in my past for the both of us… let me do something in the future that's right."

Although he never meant to sound desperate, he finished with a final plea. "Please, Rinoa, just don't give up on us."

There was something inside of him that was afraid to hear her answer. He couldn't blame her either way. At least he understood her. Now he only hoped that she could only understand him. He wrapped his arms around her tighter, finding himself leaning on her more than he probably should have. They both stayed against the window like that for some time.

He felt her body shift as her hands reached up to his arms. He was positive that she was going to push him away, already mentally preparing himself for what felt like an inevitability. She wouldn't let him hold her much longer but he needed these few last stolen moments.

Feeling her hands move to either side of his jaw wasn't what he had expected, however. It caused him to break away, allowing just enough space for him to look down at her. He could still see the tears falling from her eyes.

Even after all this time, it was hard for him to confess any sort of weakness or need to her, and he had done just that. Their eyes locked as no words had passed between them. What she said next he wasn't expecting…

"Squall Leonhart," her voice trembled as she made that final push to get this out in the open.

Once the words were spoken, there would be no turning back. She knew that this would change everything between them as there would be no more hiding between doubts… but for the first time in three days, she knew that she was making the right decision.

Rinoa bit her lip out of nervous habit before she finally found her voice. "Squall Leonhart… I love you… I never stopped."

Her back pressed against the window as their lips met. There was a finality to the act and it was as if this one kiss affirmed their dedication to making this relationship work for both of them, no matter how unlikely and difficult it may have seemed.

While it seemed as if they'd forgotten about their reason for being there in the first place, right now, this seemed like the best reason either of them could possibly think of. It was easy to get lost in the moment, though their setting was rather inappropriate.

"This would… this would so get me fired," Rinoa mused aloud as he started trailing kisses on her neck.

"I can stop," he whispered back as his lips tickled her skin.

"I didn't say that… not like we have anything better to do at the moment."

He momentarily stopped as he turned his attention back to her lips. "…Nothing better to do? Not sure how I'm supposed to take that comment."

At that moment, the computer dinged, signaling that the file transfer was complete.

Rinoa playfully responded, "Ah, the proverbial 'saved by the bell' scenario. Guess I don't have to answer that." She gave him a heartfelt smile. "As much as I'd love to continue, and believe me I want to, I think it's best not to push our luck and get out of here."

He involuntary groaned in slight annoyance, but he knew that she was right. Not the time to see how much they could tease fate. Plus, he didn't want to particularly get caught there either as it wouldn't be the best thing for his résumé if tried to get a job in Timber's government.

She pushed away from the window, trying to mentally brush off the momentary letdown her body was feeling. She reached for his hand as they walked back to her desk. She sat down quickly in her chair as she started to log off her computer. He pulled out the flash drive in the meantime, although again, he purposely intruded upon the boundaries of her personal space.

Rinoa started to refold her paper when Squall reached for it. He had only had a quick glance before, but now he could truly see the foolhardiness of her ways.

"You can't be serious Rinoa, you used 'password' as your password ? This is just…"

"…Just killing you? I'm very well aware." She snatched the paper back and tossed it into the top drawer again.

"Yes, yes it is," he stated earnestly. "First order of business if I do get a job here - to make sure you get all these damned things changed. Not only do you have 'password' on here you also used your name, Angelo's name, and your birthday - there are so many things wrong with this, on so many levels."

"Fine, fine…I'll change them when I get back, happy?"

"Yes. See how well we're already learning to compromise in this relationship?"

"If you say so," she replied as she shook her head, "you're still a _meanie_. And you didn't say anything about not using Angelo's birthday, _so there_."

Before she got up, she reached into her lower desk drawer and pulled out a manila folder, one that seemed familiar too him too. "Here, Squall, can you hold this for me? I'm taking them home."

Grabbing the envelope, he chanced a look inside just to confirm his suspicions. Indeed, they were the identical pictures to the ones that he had been given of Selphie's wedding. Once again, it was ironic that he also kept his in the desk drawer at his office.

"I'm taking them home – 'bout time I got one of those in a frame. Though don't think for one second that I'm taking my photo of Laguna down, but I suppose… I can _add_ a group shot from the wedding to the desk."

"So, I'll be deemed worthy enough to be on your desk now? I'm honored." He raised an eyebrow at her as the computer finally shut down completely.

"Yes, but only under two conditions. Number one, somewhere along the line, I get a new picture of just us together. And number two - now listen to me carefully as this is the deal breaker - when this is over, you march yourself over to that guy's house and apologize for going through his cupboards. He's still mad!"

* * *

It was much simpler getting out of the building than getting in, at least exiting didn't require an hour's worth of surveillance. They got back to her house a little after two in the morning. Zell had waited up to make sure everything that everything had gone smoothly; he had been rather nervous over the past few hours. Luckily, he had Angelo to keep him company, although their conversations were usually rather one-sided at best.

Squall and Rinoa gave him a quick rundown of the evening's events, well, those that revolved around both the getting and the retrieving of the data. The rest they didn't exactly need to go around advertising, not _yet _at least. After a brief discussion, Zell headed off to bed, taking the den once again. He figured that since it appeared Rinoa and Squall were on speaking terms now, he would go back to the small corner of house that he'd created for himself.

After he left, the couple sat quietly together on the couch. Rinoa casually rested her head on Squall's shoulder while his arm draped protectively around her. It felt so right, so secure, so natural – like it was always supposed to be just this way. In the dimly lit room, they allowed these few precious minutes of rest to bind the connected between them. Eventually, Rinoa stood up and offered a tired smile.

"Is it okay if I head off to bed? It's been rather a long day… and an even longer night."

He returned the gesture in kind, standing up to give her a kiss on the lips. It was a slightly longer than what would be considered a peck, but something told her that he was showing great restraint in his actions.

"It's no problem," he began as he pulled her into his arms, "I completely understand. You're right, it has been a very, _very _long day. At this point, it would be counterproductive to go through the files tonight. So…get some decent sleep and we'll start in the morning with fresh eyes."

She interlocked their fingers and started to pull him towards the stairway. Her determination only mirrored the night that she first pulled him onto the dance floor.

Rinoa tried to feign innocence as she replied, "Who said anything about sleep?"

 

* * *

** _Chapter Forty-Eight: All Good Things…_ **

* * *

There was a brief moment between the state of consciousness and unconsciousness that she found herself silently grasping for something…

Was it realization or belief? Was it was just an acceptance of the reality?

…_Their reality?_

This was a feeling that had escaped her for too long. Even before her conscious could pinpoint exactly what 'it' was, her heart had already taken solace in the feeling. Of course, there was also that brief instance that brought her crashing back into reality - the instant when she realized that she was completely _and utterly_ naked. It was definitely a first for her since moving to Timber and truthfully was a rather unnerving sensation.

However, that feeling quickly ebbed as she focused on the events that led up to this particular quandary. Every moment, every touch, everything from the night before came flooding back into her memories…and every moment of it was wonderful.

She must have tensed, or given some other clue as to her being awake, because the next thing she heard was a voice from beside her.

"Care to share?"

Even now, it seemed that he could still see through the barriers that she tried to conceal; even the ruse of sleep proved useless. Squall Leonhart had never held exclusive rights on building walls - no matter how it appeared to outsiders. Rinoa could be as complex and guarded as he could, but necessity had taught her different ways of concealing the insecurities.

Turning to face him, she gathered her thoughts _and_ the sheets around her chest. Apparently, over the course of the night, she had managed to turn completely away from him; their sleeping habits had always been sporadic. Honestly, there was no 'normal' in their book. At best, there was 'comfortable.' Even three years ago, she rarely woke up with him unless they were away from Garden.

Still, past aside, there was no reason why she should suddenly feel very timid and rather embarrassed about her unclothed state, yet she did. So, with a nervous laugh, she apologetically responded, "Sorry."

He didn't exactly know how to interpret that but, the fact that she was smiling while saying it was truly the only sign he needed. He knew her and a lot of her idiosyncrasies. Of course, that didn't mean he understood _all _of them and most likely never would. However, experience told him that if she was laughing, smiling, or biting her lip in a nervous gesture, things were relatively safe.

Resting his head back onto the pillow, Squall rolled so he was lying on his back. As hard as it seemed for Rinoa to believe that he was truly there, Squall also had trouble believing it at times too. When he started this journey three weeks ago, he never believed their reconciliation would be remotely feasible, but therein lay the beauty.

Extending his arm, she willingly accepted the invitation silently interpreting his gesture. It seemed as if neither of them wanted to feel completely disconnected. Their newfound closeness had been a very welcomed rediscovery.

She edged closer, carefully resting her body upon his side; she couldn't help but find herself unconsciously smiling as his arm wrapped tightly around her – it really felt a lifetime since she remembered this security. She was recapturing a part of herself that had been helplessly lost for so long.

Even as her weight was mainly on him, she was always being mindful of his bandages. It honestly had been awhile since she had shared her bed with anybody and Angelo certainly didn't count in that department.

Rinoa found herself having to rediscover all those subtle nuances in lying with another person. It was an art form, one that neither of them had truly mastered together in the past – adding his healing wounds and her resurfacing embarrassment truly showed how much skill was involved.

When Rinoa finally allowed herself to relax, she released the sheet from her hand. In a hesitant motion, she reached forward and softly touched the bandages covering his scars. She could tell that he had redone them since last seeing his chest. Squall had shown her the bullet's actual damage because, at one point, she needed to see it as confirmation of his life.

Now she was thankful that the wounds remained covered.

Neither needed the constant reminder of just how close Garden's lie was to reality. They would always remain thankful to the combination of medical and magical technology. Both knew that with one act, Garden was able to save his life – and subsequently to offer them their future.

Rinoa sighed as she found herself nuzzling against his shoulder. "God, it really has been a while. I forgot what this could be like."

He offered a reassuring smile as he met her gaze and then, without thought, added, "It's been a while for me too."

He _had_ meant it, but not in the literal sense that she had. Of course, Rinoa had misinterpreted this comment. There was no way that she could have possibly known his underlying meaning.

"Squall," she began shakily, wondering why he would choose to start this morning off like that. Truthfully, the last thing she wanted was to be reminded that it, most likely, hadn't been 'a while' since he woke up with somebody else. Ironically, up until the point which he had replied to her comment, she had kept from thinking about his past relations. "Can we not go there, please?"

He could feel her involuntarily pulling away. Instinctively, he held on, reaching forward with his free hand. His fingers traced the outline of her necklace before they moved up to her collarbone. With that, he simply replied, "I guess it all depends on your definition of _a while_."

The next part of his confession surprised even him. "Or your definition of_ 'ever'… _Because, honestly, I can't ever remember a time when I was with anyone without feeling guilt or hating myself afterwards."

He sighed after saying the words, knowing that some great secret now lay between them.

She sat up, enough to look into his eyes. There, she saw so much still hidden behind them – pain, guilt, and most likely, the weight of the world that he had placed upon himself. She couldn't imagine what had gone on in his mind over the last three years - all the internal battles that he had to silently endure. He had always fought within himself, but nothing compared to what he had suffered since Esthar.

"_Ever?"_ she whispered as her voice cracked, "You don't _ever_ remember a time?"

Yet even while asking the question, she already knew the answer. Maybe in a way, she had always known the answer. That is what made his honesty that much more painful – and that much more beautiful. His hand now reached out to her face. His palm outstretched onto her cheek while his thumb made lazy circles along her jaw line.

…And it was in that second, Squall realized that she understood.

His voice was just as soft as hers and his emotion just as raw and unguarded. "Honestly, Rinoa…no, I don't _ever _remember a time…I'm sorry. It wasn't you - as cliché as that sounds, it's the truth. I wanted to enjoy myself back then and, to a point, I did but there was always something holding me back. Remember how I couldn't even allow you to stay the night?"

She gave only a thin-lipped smile as a reply, trying to fight away the tears. It wasn't that she had taken his words personally. At first, yes, they were a shock until she realized exactly what he was offering. Over the last two days, she was beginning to understand more about this man than she ever had before.

Even if the truth hurt, it was well worth the pain.

"I was so worried how it would look to others, how they would perceive our actions, my actions… I shouldn't have given a damn, but that was my problem. I always did." He gave a small uncharacteristic chuckle. "Yeah, I guess you don't really remember that speech the first time, do you?"

Rinoa shook her head slowly, unsure of what he was referring to but, she let him continue.

"It doesn't really matter," he sighed, "That's the point though. I always judged myself to higher standards. First, I felt as if I needed to be the best cadet, and then the best SeeD, and finally the best damn commander. However, I never stopped to consider what _I _really wanted. And at that point, I started to think of my feelings towards you as a weakness…. But at the same time, I _needed_ you. It didn't make sense to me. Our relationship was like some sort of paradox I felt trapped in…and I hated that feeling, and then I hated myself for hating that feeling. So, even when we were together like this, there was always guilt in the back of mind."

"Together,_ like this,"_ she softly repeated part of his words, "but what about now?"

Rinoa had no idea why she had asked. The question just sort of fell from her mouth without her brain's knowledge. A minute prior, she had managed to hold back her curiosity. Apparently, her self-restraint had reached the upper limits of its threshold.

At her question, he couldn't help but let out a deep laugh. "For once Rinoa, I probably _should_ feel guilty… but no, I don't – not in the least. That's what's so liberating. I meant everything I said to you last night. I want this, I want us, I want-"

He was cut off mid-sentence as a loud, yet very tentative, voice called from the door.

"_Squall, are you…ah…in there?"_

Rinoa immediately pushed her head into the pillow and gave a muffled growl – this seemed to be a growing trend with her lately. She was frustrated by Zell's not-so-immaculate timing. It was not his fault but she couldn't help feel slightly aggravated nonetheless. In all the times she had daydreamed about this reunion, no matter how faint the chance was, the equation never involved a third party knocking at the door.

Zell continued when he received no response. _"And, uh…Rinoa, if Squall's **not** in there, then I'm so very, very sorry for whatever you think that I just implied… Not that I'd be implying anything bad, because it wouldn't be... See, Cid's on the phone and he kinda needs to talk with- Yeah, well you get the gist where I'm going with this, I'm sure... So, if he's in there can-"_

Zell ended full stop before finally declaring, _"-Do you know how really, really awkward this is?"_

Rinoa had gone from irritated to amused rather quickly. How odd this had to be from Zell's point of view. She could only imagine how 'really awkward' he felt knocking on her door. His incoherent ramblings proved that point well enough.

During the time of Zell's fumbling, Squall had managed to roll out of bed and locate his boxers. On a personal level, he was also annoyed with the bad timing, but there wasn't much he could say. It was pretty much a given under the circumstances of their arrival.

However, the commander realized that between Zone and Zell, they had pretty much interrupted a good portion of his and Rinoa's peaceful moments. As Squall neared the door, he turned back to her, plainly stating, "New rule – anybody with a four letter name that starts with 'Z' cannot step into the house before noon…or _after _noon…or _ever _for that matter."

Rinoa laughed into her pillow, although she tried to make a plea for her friends. "Be nice. They mean well, or usually mean well... But, if it makes you feel any better, I'll get on board with the _before_ noon part."

Squall didn't say another word as he opened the door. Much to the commander's chagrin, he was instantly greeted with a smirk from Zell. Of course, the latter knew better than to comment on the subject as the former would most likely bludgeon him to death with the cell phone. The martial artist wisely, held his tongue and opted just to hand the phone over to the commander.

To highlight the seriousness of his mood, Squall shot Zell a warning glare.

Of course, in the commander's current disheveled state, the martial artist didn't find him quite as intimidating. Truthfully, behind Squall's 'appearance' of irritation, aggravation, and defiant death glares, the commander seemed in a rather pleasant mood – give or take. Then again, Zell knew this was absolutely one of those times you had to know Squall Leonhart to understand this fact.

Zell also thought it would be best to remain clearly on this side of the door. If this was Squall's barely-clad state, well…yeah, he wasn't going there. He wanted to allow Rinoa her privacy. Plus, he didn't exactly need the commander attacking – as his superior was still holding the potentially lethal cell phone and all.

Add to this the minor detail that Zell was kind of seeing_ way_ more of Squall than needed. Again, not a subject he was going to broach in this lifetime – or the next. Still, trying to look unfazed with your commanding officer in nothing but boxer shorts was proving to be quite the challenge.

The commander stood motionless for a second, eyeing his friend curiously. For some reason, Zell was making this entire exchange even more uncomfortable. Squall didn't even think that was humanly possible. It was times like this that he wondered what the hell the martial artist was thinking. Then again, he was equally as glad that some things would forever remain a mystery.

Squall took a deep, cleansing breath before finally talking to the headmaster.

And this morning had started off so damn well too…

"Yes."

Squall's greeting wasn't the most formal. It was rather hasty, given the person on the other end but both of them knew that Cid wasn't calling for the weather report.

"I was preoccupied," the commander answered almost curtly.

He shook his head irritably and then glanced back toward Rinoa. He really didn't feel like giving Cid the specifics. It was more than likely that the guy could put two and two together. Truthfully, Squall didn't give a damn if he did add it up. Plus, if Cid didn't get the gist from hearing Zell's inspired greeting, then the man had no business being headmaster.

Squall waited a second before the headmaster spoke. The next few lines of his conversation were rather one-sided.

"When?"

"And they're sure?"

"Fine."

"That's not really a Garden matter."

It was with that response that Rinoa couldn't help but feeling a little proud and a little bit victorious even though she didn't hear the question. There was just something in the way he sounded – it was the authoritative tone she had always known but, there was also a finality in his response. She couldn't explain it; it was something she just sensed.

There was a long pause between Squall's next answer.

"No." With that, Squall turned back to Rinoa, simply saying, "I have."

There were another few moments of dead air from Squall's end before he wrapped up the conversation.

"Understood."

After closing the phone, he stared at it for a second. Rinoa wanted to ask him about the call, but it seemed that he was in the middle of his own mental debate. Even Zell had decided it would be best to give him a few moments. Finally, Squall looked up, tossing the phone onto a nearby dresser.

"There's been another murder in Fisherman's Horizon."

"What? When?" asked Zell.

"Last night…" Squall began, before looking back to the bed.

The commander suddenly became self-aware of everything, very conscious of the fact that he was only wearing thin, cotton boxers and was _extremely_ shirtless in front of the two. Although not unacceptable, it was quickly becoming rather uncomfortable at least in front of half of the other parties present.

Not to mention poor Rinoa, who was still hiding under the covers but, at least this time, her modesty was warranted. These were not exactly the most ideal conditions to go over the new mission facts.

Squall glanced over to the alarm clock. "Let's meet downstairs in fifteen… We can over what I was just told, plus Cid's sending some reports to the computer. We'll have more substantial facts by then."

Quickly closing the door after Zell left, he noticed a heavy silence filling the air. There was something that he just couldn't place about it. He asked the first thing that came to mind.

"Rinoa…you're not upset about last night, are you?"

She smiled as she finished pulling the shirt on. "Not at all. You?"

He shook his head as he found himself fixated on just watching her. "I can't believe you even had to ask." Then he jokingly added, "Unless you're talking about your idea of passwords. Then, yes, maybe a little upset."

She walked over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "It's killing you…me and my complicated ways."

He rolled his eyes, trying to do his best to still look upset. He truly was as far from that as one could possibly be.

"Yeah, don't even try that with me, mister," she mused. "Anyways, I'll let you take the shower in here. When you're done, I'll jump in. Meanwhile, I'll help Zell start to make breakfast downstairs. At this point, he's going to think we only keep him around to feed us or something."

"Or, new plan," he began mischievously, backing her into to the wall, "Zell starts breakfast, I'll take the shower in here, and instead of jumping in later, you jump in now."

His smile quickly faded when he saw her reaction. It wasn't a rejection; it was just the realization that both of them had already come to understand. In his heart, he knew that she didn't want to say the words out loud and, for her sake, he wouldn't make her as she looked away from him.

"He wants us to head there tonight after sunset." He looked at her with only a trace of a smile. "We normally travel at night, just in case, you know."

"Yeah." She bit her lip, shaking her head. "I know."

Rinoa tried to hide the fact that she was trembling. She pushed away from the wall and headed toward the door. She shouldn't have been upset. He would be back, but still… "I'm going downstairs. I'll see you in a bit."

Squall watched as she left. He so badly wanted her to know that this would only be temporary, and they would be permanent – he just hoped that she truly understood.

* * *

As she walked down the stairs, Rinoa tried to put their departure out of her mind although it was proving impossible. But given his absence over the last few years, how much could she complain about a few weeks' time? A few months at most?

Walking into the kitchen, she involuntarily sighed, leaning against the counter. Zell let out a small chuckle as he handed her a cup of freshly brewed coffee. "I see how the dynamic in our relationship works."

She tried to joke but her heart wasn't truly in it. "You love showering me with gifts of caffeine and late-night chocolate – so don't even try."

"Gonna miss this you know," admitted Zell resting his elbows on the counter, "I'm not only talking about the _not _being crammed into 'the-van-from-hell' aspect of our relationship, I'm talking about the bonding part…or _re_-bonding, I guess? Still, I'm glad if there really is a break. I do want to get home but I'll always be glad that these crazy-strange turn of events happened like this."

"Me too," she answered sincerely.

He could tell that her mind was somewhere else. "You do know he's coming back, right?"

She smiled, trying to reassure herself. "Yeah."

It was easy to say, but harder to believe. As much as her heart wanted to think everything would work out, their track record spoke for itself. She knew that Squall's intentions were genuine. It was just that she had lost faith in destiny a long time ago.

Plus, there were all those fine little details that neither of them seemed to talk about. They were simply overlooked. She didn't even know how much was to be implied by his words.

Sure, he talked about staying in Timber and even joked today about not letting people into the house before noon, but what did that _honestly_ mean? Her house, his house, their house? Or was it just some random comment that held no meaning other than to express his annoyance in the moment?

It was one thing for them to live at a place like Garden where it was essentially a closed community, but this was different. Timber wasn't a campus with dorms and apartments; it was a town. Squall simply couldn't run to the cafeteria if he worked until midnight or to the infirmary if he felt ill. Sure, he could go to local cafés and doctors, but there were often lines, and waiting, and forms, lots of damn forms, and sometimes terrible service from overworked wait staff – it wasn't the closed off society he was accustomed too.

On the other hand, she knew that he had been in the 'real world' and he was far from naïve. They had taken trips, shopped in Balamb, and done a hundred different things along those lines. The fact remained that even spending a week in 'that world' was not the same as living in it 24/7. Again, she had no doubt in his competence or abilities but she worried about the life and opportunities he was leaving at Garden.

As he had pointed out about his past, she didn't want to ever become his guilt or regret _again _– that scared the hell out of her.

"Zell, do you think this is the right thing for him? Will he honestly be happy in Timber?"

He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "He hasn't been happy anywhere else, why should he start now?"

She rolled her eyes and gave him nudge with her shoulder. "Not funny and you _know_ what I meant."

"Yeah, I did, but I really can't answer that question. All I can say is: if Squall says he wants to be in Timber then he _wants _to be in Timber. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is telling him to do this – not Garden, not the headmaster, not even you."

Zell tapped her coffee mug with his spoon to emphasize his next words, "Remember that last one. _You _never told him to do anything, this was his choice alone. Plus, after this morning, I think it's rather a done deal anyhow."

Rinoa looked away sheepishly. "You mean us…in my room? Sorry about that."

Zell gave her a wry smile. "Not_ that_. I meant the call."

"What about it?" Rinoa gave him a quizzical look but he never had time to respond. She noticed Squall walking into the kitchen.

The commander gave them a nod, feeling as if he was interrupting some private conversation. "Hey."

"Hey." Rinoa replied, unsure of how to properly respond. She wondered just how much of the conversation he had heard.

After drumming his fingers on the counter, Squall decided that they had wasted enough time in awkwardness. He was partially responsible for the delays, yet he was still in command and needed to get this mission back on track.

…He kind of had a future that he needed attending to.

"I'm going to run to the van and pull the info from the computer." As he spoke, his actions returned to a more authoritative demeanor.

It took about five minutes for the trio to gather at the kitchen table. Rinoa and Zell had managed to piece together breakfast and, although it was not fancy, it was sufficient. Squall had printed out the information on the newest case.

"So, fill us in commander, what's up this time?" It seemed that Zell wasn't intent on waiting until after breakfast.

"There are definitely some irregularities about this case," Squall said as he skimmed through the papers. "_Very _irregular."

"Like what? The victim was still shot, right?" Zell questioned.

"Yes, he was…but that's not one of the things that stands out. We have a preliminary ballistic report that shows a match to another gun. It confirms it was the same weapon used to shoot Koenig in Esthar. On top of that, this guy, he was stabbed too…"

Squall paused as he looked at the crime photographs in his hand. He decided it best to leave that aspect be right now. Although he knew that Zell could handle it, he would rather leave the sheer brutality away from Rinoa, at least while they were at the breakfast table. She had seen more than her fair share of atrocities but, at this point, there was no reason to needlessly add to them.

Squall began where he left off, "It was very brutal. I'll leave it at that. Which up until this point, hasn't been part of this guy's M.O. The other most notable difference is in the victimology - he wasn't in politics. The guy ran a bait and tackle shop off of the docks."

"So no political stance or affiliation whatsoever?" Zell asked.

In all seriousness, Squall responded as he set the papers on the table, "Unless you count the great debate of whether tadpoles make the best bait for catching bass, I've got nothing,"

"_Why_ do even know that, Squall?" Rinoa questioned in utter confusion.

He raised an eyebrow at her "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Now even Zell was curious about the commander's comment. "Is that even a real debate? It can't be right?"

"No," Squall answered as it was all rather obvious, "there's no debate. Everybody knows that tadpoles are far superior to any other form of tackle in that situation."

Zell eyed him suspiciously. "Ah, and exactly how much time did you spend with that Master Fisherman anyhow?"

"_Enough,"_ Squall grumbled, realizing his mistake.

"Hey," Zell shrugged, "Don't go all 'commander' on me. You're the one who brought it up, geesh."

Squall needed to get this train back on track before it completely derailed. They still had the World Council files to go through. God only knows how long that would take. "Now, where were we?"

"Even more confused about your social life than we were before?" Rinoa replied sarcastically.

She knew that she could most likely get away with the comment, whereas Zell could not. Still, it wasn't time to test the waters too much, so she quickly reverted back into a more professional line of questioning.

"Squall, you said the victim's name or street address. Any links there to the other? I mean, does he fit any of the other patterns?"

"His name was Conner Blalock and he lived on D Street. Apparently, the address system in FH is rather simplistic. Their entire infrastructure is pretty much based alphabetically, so I really can't see anything in the 'tree' regard." He stopped searching through the papers long enough to look over to her. "Rin, does the name sound familiar to you for any reason? Big or small, think back, does it sound familiar whatsoever?"

"No…no, I'm sorry. Nothing that I can think of."

"So, what do six people in politics and a fisherman have in common?" Squall asked out loud. It was more rhetorical than anything else, but helped them through the thought process.

Sadly, the only answer that came to any of their minds was 'nothing.'


	17. Loud as a Whisper, The Alternative Factor, and Ship in a Bottle

** _Chapter Forty-Nine: Loud as a Whisper_ **

In something that could only be considered the purist form of irony, the three had purposely migrated back into the van. It was still parked in Rinoa's garage, but they had opened the driver, the passenger, and rear doors of the dreaded vehicle – as there was still that smell which seemed forever woven into its fabric.

Resource-wise, the SeeD van was the fully-equipped and definitely was the most efficient place in the house. Comfort-wise, it lacked severely, but the overstuffed beanbag and fluffy throw pillows helped greatly.

But even sitting on the floor amid the blankets and pillows, Rinoa found little peace at that moment. She remained horrified, looking at the picture in her hand. "This is-"

Squall had warned her it was brutally graphic, but 'graphic' seemed to be this year's understatement.

"I don't even know what it is…" she finally managed.

"Really messy?" Zell shot from over at the computer monitor. Sadly, in their line of work, scenes like that were all too common – sometimes to a point of growing numb.

"Always one for just the right words, aren't you?" Rinoa replied, quickly handing the photograph up to Squall. He placed it face down on the small workspace in front of him. "But yeah, Zell's right,_ really_ messy."

She shook her head in disgust. "Just…why would anybody…"

Squall offered what sympathy he could. "I have no idea. It's a new aspect to the murders that, believe me, Zell and I can personally attest wasn't part of our crime scene - which we're eternally grateful for, but unfortunately, Mr. Blalock wasn't so lucky."

None of them wanted to even think about the 'what if's' regarding that scenario. Instead, they tried to remain focused on the investigation although it had been extremely difficult. Over the last hour, their minds had wandered, mainly Squall and Rinoa's, but it was the final objective that was driving them to their goal – and it was a goal that all three universally sought.

The SeeDs also had the comfort of knowing that there were teams of people working towards the same goal over the world. Unfortunately, the trio sitting in the van were the only ones who seemed to know _all _of the details.

After they had informed Cid of some of their discoveries, the headmaster faced new concerns; the involvement of the World Council's files brought an entirely new political dynamic to light. Some people would consider even the simple act of transferring the files a punishable crime in and of itself; Garden truly did have to tread lightly on this even more so than before.

It wasn't as if they had 'stolen' any information. Rinoa had a given right, a given password, and legitimate access to the server, but others may not look at it that way. Politicians weren't always keen on having their views being investigated, even if it was to possibly save their own lives – hence, this all remained a very gray area.

Again, it may have been about semantics but, in this case, it was never about the journey - it was just the end result Garden cared about.

Squall sat on one of the two permanent stools welded to the floor while Zell blankly glared at the computer monitor closest to the front seats. Rinoa stayed on the floor under a blanket, leaning her back against the pillows for support. Her knees were pulled subconsciously closer to her body, a sign of her momentary insecurity. As she sifted through some files, she still tried to get that image out of her mind. She had seen worse, but it had been a long time since she had witnessed such a barbaric display of inhumanity. Maybe working in an office the last three years had softened her to some things.

Still, Rinoa couldn't fathom why the killer would do that; why he would stray so far off of his path. The man had been _deadly_ accurate in his ability to shoot, at least for the most part…

Right now, she just needed to talk to keep her mind from straying. "So, do you think he ran out of useable guns? I mean, is that why he repeated weapons this time?"

"Maybe," Squall agreed. "How many guns can one guy own?"

"Well, according to Irvine, _never enough_," Zell added from his seat again, only half-listening as his eyes were focused on the monitor.

He had been going through the World Council files for the past two hours. Never in his life had he seen such an extensive collection of legalese and legal bullshit mixed together. It was becoming mind-numbing to a point of being hypnotically entranced by the monitor's glow.

"Again, Zell's got a point, I suppose," Rinoa answered realistically. "Still, how does one go from a near flawless single-shot to the base of the skull to butchering someone without any regard for…_anything_?"

"Economics?" Zell stated without much thought. "Maybe he was running low on ammo and needed his bullet back. That crap adds up."

Rinoa and Squall immediately looked at one another. Squall was just about to tell the 'peanut gallery' to either say something useful or don't say anything at all, but then it hit him. Apparently, by the way Rinoa was looking at him, she must have had a similar thought.

"He _was_ shot in the chest, right?" she asked Squall for clarification.

The commander nodded, glancing at the overturned picture. He didn't actually need to 'see' it to get the idea.

When Zell noticed the on-going silence, he turned around in disbelief. "What? You guys aren't serious? It was a joke, bullets aren't _that _expensive."

"Yeah, we are serious," Squall answered, turning to face him. "Your reasoning was wrong, but your motive was right. He wanted it back."

"This murder was not part of his plan." Rinoa stated, looking at the folders that were scattered near her feet. She grabbed the closest one as an example. "Zell, look at any of these… Think about all the planning, _the details_, all the risk involved in them. The level of execution on some is nothing short of amazing, I doubt Irvine could pull that one shot off. But _that_…" She trailed off pointing to the picture beside Squall, "That's by your own admission, 'very messy.' It's overkill, but for a reason."

Squall took over then, trying to look at it from another perspective. "Not one police or military agency would have connected Blalock to the previous murders had it not been for the ballistics results. They're_ too _different. This one was most likely unplanned or a mistake - _this _is our way to finding the killer."

"So," Zell began with newfound enthusiasm, "We figure out exactly who Conner Blalock was and we get this son-of-a-bitch."

"Yes," Squall agreed, albeit hesitantly. "Unfortunately, at this point, knowing the bastard's identity is only half of the battle. We have to figure out _who_ the next target is before it's finally over. This guy…this guy isn't going to be sitting home on his ass, waiting for us to knock on his door. We will have to _find_ _him_."

"Squall, the killer…" Rinoa began but found herself faltering. A thousand emotions swirled in her mind; she was just trying to articulate her fears into words.

Instinctually upon hearing her hesitation, he moved from this seat taking the spot beside her. She never had to ask, he only offered. Placing his hand over her wrist, he silently urged her to continue.

"Thank you," she replied, taking his hand, although slightly embarrassed by the perceived weakness. "I'm so sorry guys. I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's just I realized that this guy… he _saw_ me. We worked alongside one another. Squall, you don't think he'd, well…_you know_."

He couldn't admit it out loud, but the 'unspoken' thought had already crossed Squall's mind. _A lot._ The logical, military-trained part of his persona doubted the killer would come after her, yet his protective side could only fear this very thought.

Still, Squall's ability to reason had lead him this far in the investigation and he wouldn't negate what years of training told him – his gut instinct truly believed that he was in no danger. She wasn't this man's target. Of course, convincing Rinoa of this minor fact appeared to be the greater challenge. He knew the killer was looking for someone more politically and environmentally controversial. Rinoa was far from that. This man had a mission to finish and Rinoa was not part of it.

If Squall being shot had been on a personal level rather than political scale, she could very well be in danger. On this rare instance in life, Commander Leonhart was glad to be part of politics.

"Rinoa, I'm going to be honest – I've contemplated this more than I should be telling you. But this guy, let's go by his alias of Birch for argument's sake, well, he's very organized. I mean, he's _very_ organized. In his mind, he looks at these killings like most people would a job… Not taking this last guy into account, everyone who died was targeted for a specific reason. In the past, he's never hurt anyone unnecessarily."

He honestly started regretting the fact that he had dragged her into this. Sometimes ignorance truly was bliss…

"He could have easily gone after the second gardener from Balamb, or killed someone else on the drive-by, or picked a time when Koenig's family was home, but he did none of those things. I'm willing to bet he is or was military. This is his mission for him and like us, he isn't going to stop until it's accomplished or he's rendered unable to finish. It's not protocol to kill innocent people unless it's an absolutely necessary – and I think it might have been in Blalock's case."

"He just seemed so nice…"

She looked downward as if embarrassed by her actions. Maybe she should have known somehow, or sensed something off, but she didn't. She was actually _grateful_ for the bastard at the time. It sickened her.

"I'm just so mad at myself," she whispered, angrily admitting, "He seemed so sympathetic, about how I was handling everything. God, he was even apologetic about your death…and I didn't even think twice. I was more comfortable standing outside with a serial killer than being inside to support you – ironic huh?"

"Rin, don't. Just don't." Squall's words were caring but firm. "You _couldn't_ have known. A building full of Garden's best didn't know. Nobody here expects you to carry any guilt on your shoulders. I still honestly believe he's not out to hurt people, just trying to get people to think about their choices – how one thing affects another. In his own strange way, his sympathy for you was real, as twisted as it seems. Planting the tree in the Quad was also his way of telling us _everything_, without ever saying a word. Hell, this guy flew under the radar for months… It's not about fame or infamy for him… it's about a perverse sense of morals. Until Conner Blalock, his actions were subtle if not profound. Look how damn long it took us to connect the dots and that's our fucking job."

She certainly didn't want to seem weak in front of the SeeDs because she wasn't. However, that didn't mean she shouldn't be cautious.

"You know," Zell interrupted, also trying to lend his support, "I think Birch knows that he screwed up. If that's the case, he also knows it's all borrowed time now. Whoever he's going to go after next is going to have meaning. In his mind, this may be his last stand. …And Rinoa, killing someone who _might_ be able to identify him in a crowd from three weeks ago isn't likely the plan. He's already on the move, we just have to figure out to where."

Rinoa felt slightly better after hearing their opinions. She would not even take into account that she lived in a placed named 'Timber.' As per this guy's rationale, it could be open season on anyone in the city's limits. Still, something in the back of her mind agreed with the guys.

She could never, _never _forget what all this man had taken from the world, but in his own delusional way, he seemed to hold a degree of empathy – a rare trait among serial killers.

Rinoa decided it was best to let it rest. They would be leaving in a few hours and all of them needed to regain focus on the mission.

"Fisherman's Horizon…right?" She forced a smile and looked over to Squall. "Do you think he could be heading toward Esthar? He surfaced in Dollet to assassinate Siddig and well…_you_. Then next he pops up in FH. Do you think he could he be traveling towards Esthar?"

"It's a very likely possibility, but in the same regards, he could have been returning from Esthar. Remember there were weeks in between the killings. Hell, he could have even been hiding out in FH because of their acceptance of transients." He paused before asking, "Rinoa, you really okay?"

She smiled at his concern. "I'll be fine."

The commander nodded in understanding. He was relatively sure of his earlier words. That didn't mean he wouldn't stop thinking about her welfare first and foremost. This was his battle, SeeDs' battle, and he'd be damned if he dragged her any further into it.

* * *

During the past hours, Zell had discovered that there had been forty-seven bills that passed via the World Council last year. It was common in that line of work for several versions of each bill to be drafted before managing to attain final approval. Out of those, many contained things that could meet their criteria. It just depended on how hard one wanted to look.

So he had started to rank them in descending order, beginning with what he had perceived as the most obvious to those with little or no discernable ties to the environment. He also figured that once they were on the road, he and Squall could run through everything again. It would at least be an open line of communication between the two, which was something severely lacking on their first go around.

The martial artist had a feeling that he and the commander would not clash _as much_ during this trip. In a way, they were both finding a way to resolve their differences by finding understanding in the past. In an ironic twist, it also seemed both had similar goals in the future too.

For her part, Rinoa had tried avoiding looking at the clock but, as every minute passed, she could feel an invisible weight pressing on her. She had to come to terms with the fact they were leaving, forced into another separation.

And what would happen when they were gone?

She would have to make a decision of what to do. She could return to work and forge through all condolences that would constantly thrown at her. She would accept them and offer a polite 'thank you,' lying to each one of them all the while. That last part didn't really bother her as much as it should have; she was more afraid of slipping up along the line, that her reactions would no longer seem genuine. She didn't know if people would know the truth from just reading her… it was a ridiculous assumption but it worried her nonetheless.

And what if one of their friends were to call?

Sure, two nights ago she had used a conversation with Selphie as an excuse. It was extremely believable, which was why the lie had been so plausible.

But what if Selphie really were to call?

Rinoa didn't want to lie to her friends. She would, but it would slowly chip away at her conscience. It was one thing to give false smiles and nods to coworkers, but how could she listen to both the tears and the encouragement of the others?

Her greatest fear remained Laguna. She knew he would call. It was only a matter of time. She was surprised he hadn't tried yet, but he was also dealing with his own grief – not to mention trying to run a damn country simultaneously. Rinoa couldn't even imagine the pressure he was facing. She could barely regain her own sanity long enough not to get herself knocked down in the middle of the street. She was only responsible for herself; he was responsible for an entire nation.

After everything they had gone through together, every tear and numbed emotion, she felt like even sitting next to Squall was betraying her friend. Right now, Laguna Loire was the closest 'parental relationship' she had going in her life. Again, Caraway didn't even show up to support her at Squall's funeral. Truthfully, it seemed that her and her father's relationship was sometimes more along the lines of running a business rather than being part of a family.

Rinoa knew she would have to find the strength to lie if it meant protecting the truth. She knew that she wouldn't let herself lose her knight again…_her knight?_

The thought quickly passed as she stood in her living room. It had only been fleeting, but like their relationship at times, it had also been brilliant. It had surprised her, but she also found a sense of comfort in it too – but that was for another day.

Right now, she had to focus on the two men standing before her. They were just about to walk out of her house just as quickly as they walked in. It was only a matter of _time_ before their future began; she had to reassure herself of that fact. The only way of achieving the future was in watching them leave…this was the first step toward their future.

Zell had already loaded the van. Although that didn't require too much effort on his part, most of the supplies were already in there. He just liked to be overdramatic at times for effect, but that mainly stemmed from his loss of computer solitaire – Garden had smartly removed it from their systems. Rinoa had also given them all the food she could. Although Squall had objected, she chose not to listen. He was just trying to be independent or chivalrous and she didn't care which one, she would override either reason in this case. She had seen their food rations firsthand and it wasn't pretty to say the least.

There was some uncomfortable silence before Zell finally stepped forward. It was easiest for him to say his goodbyes and also allowing Squall and Rinoa their own time. Even he understood that some things were harder to let go of, especially if they just had been recently been found.

"Rin, glad to have you back with us," he sincerely began. "It better not even be anywhere close to three years before I see you again. Hell, it better not even be three weeks."

"Don't worry, it won't be that long. I promise. Plus, I'm expecting a wedding invitation from you in a few months, right?"

With that comment, Squall looked at the martial artist with a slightly bewildered expression. "Something you forgot to mention?"

"Eh, yeah... guess I kind of put the cart before the Chocobo on this one. I still have to actually _ask_ her, but yeah, I am _asking_, if that's what you're asking."

"Congratulations." The commander held up his hand and the two shared a rather awkward high-five. It wasn't the norm for Squall, which is why Zell seemed stunned by the rather atypical gesture.

Of course, Squall was also well aware of what this meant. "So you do realize that you're never going to live this down, right? Plus, I think there was some sort of wager involved…"

"Great, if even _you _remember that I'm screwed. But still, so very worth it."

"I know." The commander acknowledged letting the subject rest with those words. "Anyway, do you think you could?" Squall made a single head motion toward the garage.

Zell grinned, fully understanding what his friend meant. "Oh, sorry. So, anyway, thank you for everything Rin, and well, you know."

"I do." She nodded with a smile, pulling him into a hug. "We'll always have solitaire and midnight cocoa."

"Goodbye, I'll see-" he started but she quickly interrupted him.

"No more goodbyes, just 'see you laters,' okay?"

"Sounds good," he responded as they broke from their hug. He gave a final grin and a wave of the hand. "See ya later then."

"You too." She held her smile long enough to watch him walk away.

Squall took a step forward, looking her in the eyes. "I liked that - what you said about the goodbyes."

"It's true. I've kinda had enough of them in my life."

"Yeah, me too." He reached forward, taking both her hands in his. "So no more, right? Just _see you laters."_

"Right," she responded, although it was half-hearted.

It was strange to be back in this position, once again watching him be sent away because of Garden. Unlike then, she knew everything about his mission. There would always be uncertainties, but there were always unknowns and at least she could take solace in the questions that had already been answered.

"This feels-" she began but quickly realized she truly could no longer gage her emotions. The last few days, few _weeks_, had been so overwhelming. She had been from one emotional aspect of the spectrum to the other.

"It's okay, you don't have to," he responded as if understanding her battle.

"I don't know why I'm doing this. At Garden, you left on missions. This just feels the same, _but different_."

"The same but different, huh?" He managed a stifled laugh. "I guess that's one way I never would have expressed it. Uniquely you, that's for certain."

"You'll call?"

"Promise. I just can't leave messages... for obvious reasons." He looked away, his eyes inadvertently landing on her desk. The fact that damned engagement ring was sitting in there immediately dawned on him. He had to shake that familiar feeling of doubt.

"Rinoa, when I come back to Timber, I might need a place to stay for awhile. I was wondering…"

He didn't finish the sentence nor did he ever have any intention of doing so. Maybe he should have, but in his mind, if he never asked, he could never be truly rejected. It was still one of those lingering doubts that he constantly fought against.

"So, you were _wondering_?" Rinoa repeated. Looking up at him, she nervously shifted her weight between her feet. "You know… I was wondering that too," she admitted honestly and then, with a nervous smile, she added, "I guess it makes it easier that you have a few boxes of things here already… Although, not sure how useful they'll be."

"Whatever I have here is already enough, trust me. We'll just figure out the rest when this is over."

"Okay." She glanced down to the floor, looking for strength. "Squall, I can't believe I'm saying these words but, you should probably head on out. This is just going to get harder the longer we stand here. And believe me…it's damned near impossible for me already."

She didn't want to cry. This wasn't a sad occasion but it was just impossible to tell her heart that.

"Rinoa, I," he started, but no words could convey everything that was running through him in that moment, "You know, there are a thousand things I _should_ say, but I just don't know one of them at this moment. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You're being honest, that's all I can ask for." With those words, she was the one who stood on her toes to initiating their parting kiss.

He held her closer, trying to imprint everything about this moment into memory - the way her skin felt, the fabric of her top, and the combined scents of lotion and perfume. It was everything he remembered, yet nothing he had ever felt. Rinoa had said it best: it was the same, but different.

But whatever it was - was only the beginning to their future.

Squall finally broke away, knowing if he stayed any longer, he too wouldn't ever want to leave. She had been right about the separation; it was becoming increasingly difficult with every second that passed.

"You have my number, call if you need anything. Are you _sure_ you're going to be all right?

She took a deep breath. Rinoa knew that a simple, cut and dry response wouldn't ease his mind. Their relationship had moved beyond complacent answers like that at this point.

"Truthfully, it may be difficult in some ways… like trying to act as if I don't know as if you're still dead. As you mentioned once, it's hard to hear about someone in the past tense, especially if you know it's wrong. Don't worry though…the secret is safe with me. I know exactly what's at stake and I'm not risking any of it for any damn reason. The more I think about it, the more I believe you're right, I don't think I'm in danger."

She said the next lines teasingly, playing off concerns of the past. "And if I was, think of it this way - I'm no longer at amateur status. I can professionally kick-ass if needed. I may not like fighting alone but, if I have to, I'm damn good at it. Plus, don't forget I have Angelo who also kicks-ass in her own right."

She gave a nod of acknowledgment to the canine. Angelo was oblivious of the world around her, lazily sprawled out on the couch. "Well, that is if the dog treats are satisfactory enough for her highness, but you get the idea."

He gave her a genuine smile, still holding her in his arms. "To quote someone wise, I think you're the same, but different. I like it."

With one final kiss, he gathered himself. It took so much for him just to walk out that door. There was a part of him that didn't want this to end. Not only being close to her, but working alongside her for once as equals. Maybe, in some ways, they always had been true colleagues. It just took him five years to look beyond the obvious – her strengths were his weaknesses and vice-versa. She might not have had the training, but she always held the ability and desire. Truly what he had lacked back then, she had always held.

As the van drove out of Timber, Squall whispered to himself,_ "See you later."_

There would be no more 'goodbyes.'

* * *

** _Chapter Fifty: The Alternative Factor_ **

* * *

The two SeeDs had finally cleared Timber's outer limits. They had about another half an hour's drive before reaching the main highway. After that, it would only be a matter of minutes before they hit the bridge that would eventually lead to Fisherman's Horizon. At this rate, they could easily make the town by tomorrow morning, if not a few hours before dawn.

However, that begged the question - exactly what would they do once they got there?

It would be counterproductive to have a dead man walking the streets as people were bound to take notice. The commander would leave that question for tomorrow when they arrived. It would be easier to formulate a plan once the saw exactly what they were dealing with. It was obviously going to take some strategy and, at the moment, he didn't have quite the mental capacity. They were in the midst of trying to rank the cases and it was hard enough for him to solely focus on that alone.

As per the usual, Squall was driving. He really didn't like it when Zell was behind the wheel. It may have been the commander's pride, or his quick-to-get-annoyed attitude, but Squall hated sitting in the passenger's seat. He would not go as far as calling himself a backseat driver although that phrase had been grumbled by the martial artist on many an occasion.

Quite frankly for both their sanity and safety, it was better for all parties involved this way.

In total, they had only been on the road for just over thirty minutes, but it seemed much longer to Squall. If this was any indicator of the next few weeks, he might as well start considering planning his fiftieth birthday party in the van - never in his life did it seem as if time was limping by so slowly.

Trying to put things in perspective was difficult and trying to keep those doubts from creeping into his mind was nearly impossible. There seemed to be something inherently wrong about this whole thing. He had never felt this way on a mission, never felt this way about leaving her behind. Back then, it was necessary and, quite frankly, sometimes a welcomed break but now it seemed like anything but.

Zell started slowly, flipping through a folder. "So yeah, next one…"

The martial artist held a small flashlight in his hand as he tried to see the print. It was barely enough to read the papers in front of him, yet big enough to distract Squall from driving once and awhile. It would often reflect off of some surface and the commander would find himself biting back his annoyance.

"Okay, this one was from around four months ago…"

Although the commander seemed to be zoning out at times, he was trying to listen to Zell. He had become quite skilled in the art of letting things go in one ear and out of the other over the years. That was a talent that had come in quite handy in the past, especially when Irvine and Zell were anywhere in the same general vicinity. Unfortunately, this was _not_ one of those times he should be putting that skill to use but, some habits were hard to break.

Squall tried to regain focus as his comrade continued. He just hoped that he hadn't missed too much.

"..And same old same old, but what do you think?"

"_Crap,"_ was the only answer that immediately came to mind but he couldn't exactly repeat that. He grimaced internally, but quick thinking gave him a way to turn it around on Zell. "Well, I have my own opinions, but I could be biased on the subject so…. I'd like to hear what you think."

"Um…well, I'm kinda in favor of _not_ killing the white blue-tipped Chocobos with them being endangered and all… Geesh, I knew you had a massive hatred towards Chocobos man, but didn't think you were biased enough to wipe out an entire species. Heck, what did one ever do to you?"

"Long story," Squall grunted as he subconsciously rubbed the back of his head. The truth was too embarrassing to get into. Zell had already learned just about every other sordid detail of his past, he didn't need to add 'being knocked unconscious by a rogue Chocobo' to that list. "But yeah, sorry… I must have just misunderstood what you said."

"Or not listening," Zell added knowingly.

"Or there's that too." Squall agreed, as there was no use in trying to hide that fact.

"Okay, short version - so you don't get lost on me again: some people wanted to build a canal system through pretty much the entire continent of Esthar. It would have cut right through the Grandid Forest home of said rare, and apparently evil, Chocobos. The whole thing was quickly shut down."

"Yeah, like that would happen," Squall said in disgust. "Dig through half a continent to make it more convenient for those yachts to sail through."

"Well, I'm sure it would help import and exporting too, right?" Zell asked as that seemed like a logical assumption. He had witnessed commerce like that firsthand growing up in port town.

"For any other city in the world, yes, but for Esthar - not so much. The place itself is still very self-contained and they take pride on their ability to remain self-sufficient. There's some trade, but nothing substantial and nothing to warrant something that drastic. Tearing through land like that would mainly fall under convenience, not necessity. They don't exactly want tons of people there in the first place. They're not even thrilled about the new rail system so I highly doubt they'd want a canal system to boot."

"So you think it's a possibility then?" Zell asked hopefully, "I mean, target-wise?"

"Best one yet, I'd say. If this guy went after rare turtles, it puts the rare Chocobos high up on the list."

"See? We're getting somewhere. We have five down and only-" He had glanced over to Squall but immediately stopped when he witnessed the commander's reaction. "Hey, I saw that!"

"Saw what?" Squall asked, thoroughly confused.

"_You. _You being majorly disgusted."

"Can you enlighten me? I didn't say a damn thing."

"Of course you didn't _'say'_ it. You didn't have to _'say'_ it. See, the way you slightly opened your mouth after I started talking – it's a common reaction for either surprise or disgust. Since you knew what we were talking about, my money isn't on surprised. Plus, you raised your upper lip, again ever-so-slightly. I bet you didn't know you did it..."

Squall was rather shocked, truth be told. If anything, the martial artist had been correct in his observations. He had not noticed himself doing either, opening his mouth or raising his lip. Then again, was it really that much of stretch to think he was slightly disgusted?

"You're right," Squall stated awkwardly. Again, it was easier just to admit the truth rather than to deny it at this point. He still didn't like giving Zell any more ammunition for being right - that was starting to get annoying. "It's hard for me to concentrate. The idea of doing thirty more of these is just something my mind isn't comprehending right now. Again, sorry, I'm not disgusted with you."

"Actually, it's forty two," Zell corrected.

"…Okay, now it's _you,"_ the commander grumbled.

At that point, nobody needed a course in body language to know _exactly _what Squall was thinking. Without even looking, Zell could feel the glare of the commander searing through his skull. Maybe it was best to let this rest for a bit and talk about what was really bothering his friend.

"So, did you tell her that Cid knows you're quitting?"

"No, not in so many words." Squall admitted. He sighed to himself before another key fact dawned on him. "Wait, I didn't tell _you _that either."

"You didn't have to tell me. It was just me and my mad skills in body language." Zell joked. "See, that's what happens when you leave me in a van with nothing but self-help tapes in the art of communication."

"Seriously?" The commander took his eyes off the road and glanced over to his passenger, "You actually got that from something I gave away?"

"No, not _seriously,"_ Zell laughed, "I mean yes, I was forced to listen to those damn things just to stay awake, thank you very much again by the way…. But no, I was also close enough to hear this morning's phone call. Cid isn't exactly the quietest man even when he's talking to a dead guy. I couldn't hear _everything_, but I got the part about returning to Garden when this was over. So, when you answered 'you had' I was guessing it was him going into his fatherly, sage-like spiel of 'have you thought about it and the consequences - yadda, yadda thing.' So, um, am I too far off?"

He let out a small chuckle. "Fairly close….but didn't I also tell you that I was leaving after this? I'm pretty that came up somewhere in the course of our conversation the other night… But you're right about everything else."

"Well, yeah you might have mentioned_ something_ along those lines. But as you're well aware, doing and following through are two separate things. Though, really, it's seriously very cool although we're gonna miss the hell out of you. Well…this _you,_ not the grumpy you – we won't miss him too much. So what do you think it's gonna feel like to be a free man?"

"That's an oversimplification. Plus, I'm not grumpy, you guys are just annoying - there's a difference." Then he responded by adding, "It's semantics." He knew the last part would be lost on the martial artist, but he just couldn't help himself. Even when he wasn't trying, everything seemed to lead back to her. He knew this shouldn't be bothering him so much, but he just felt as if he was leaving something else behind...

He tried to refocus on Zell's question. "The idea of getting away from Garden isn't nearly as difficult as I thought although it's not exactly a reality yet. Still, I wouldn't define myself as a 'free man' in any regards. Honestly, I don't think I ever can be. There are always things I'll have to live with, but I'm ready to move forward and that fact alone feels _freeing_."

Zell couldn't argue with that logic. After a few moments of silence, he turned off the flashlight, looking at the sky.

"What? Are we done? We only got through five cases."

As much as Squall was 'disgusted' about going through the bills, it was a distraction. Right now, he really, really needed that damned distraction.

"Just a sec, I just thought I saw lightning toward the ocean. Couldn't tell with the flashlight on, wasn't sure if it was a reflection or if my eyes were playing tricks…. I think it was lightning though."

"I didn't think it was supposed to rain."

Zell shrugged. "From what I know, it isn't. Maybe it's heat lightning?"

"There's no such thing- it's a myth. It's just from storms very far away - it could even be in Esthar. The sound waves dissipate way before they reach us so there's no thunder, that's why you only see the flashes on the horizon."

"Who died and made you a meteorologist? Oh yeah, right…you did."

"That's not funny." Squall shot back.

"Well, neither is the thought of being in an electrical storm while driving in this tin-can on wheels." Zell said in complete seriousness. "And add to that we're about ten minutes away from getting on the world's largest bridge and, you know, driving over _water_ and all. I've already been in a truck that was hit by lightning when I was kid - that's some scary shit. I really don't care to relive that experience if I can help it. Let's hope that lightning really doesn't strike the same place twice or I suppose, in this case, the same person."

"What did you say?" Squall asked, but he sounded rather odd in the martial artist's opinion.

"Um, you mean about lightning never striking twice? Because I thought you would have heard that one by now and all especially since meteorology appears to be one of those secret hobbies of yours, like fishing," Zell mused, trying not to laugh the idea of Squall fishing was still rather humorous. Although thinking about that did actually bring back a memory to the martial artist.

"Hey, I remember something Matron told me once we all were back at Garden. She said that her and Cid watched lightning hit the old lighthouse like nine times within a few hours once. She just never told us when we were younger, probably thought it would scare us to death or something. So yeah, lightning can hit the same thing twice…or you know, nine times."

"_Because lightning can strike twice, even the same tree."_

Squall briefly closed his eyes, just long enough to take a deep breath. Those were the same words that she had seen the day before he left for Esthar, the day before their last mission as a couple. Nothing had felt right since he left and even now he couldn't shake that feeling – now more than ever.

"The same, but different," Squall said out loud. He knew the meaning on that too would not be understood, but again, it was never meant to be. He looked at the road and saw the final sign before the highway, it listed the distance to both Fisherman's Horizon and Esthar.

At this point, the headmaster was already upset with him so he might as well go all the way. What could Cid possibly do, fire him?

"Squall, what in the hell you doing?" Zell screamed as he sat horrified in the van, holding on the seat for dear life. Even time compression was less crazy than the maneuver the commander was doing.

"Making a highly-illegal U-turn?" Squall said sarcastically but with a very calm undertone. It was pretty damned obvious to him 'what' he was doing. The 'why' was a little more complicated.

"Let me just ask this, are we doing what I think we're doing?"

"Yes."

"Okay then," Zell said, looking at the van's clock nonchalantly. "That took only forty-five minutes but, next time, can we do it without the 'could get us killed, damn-ass-crazy' driving?"

"I could, but then what would have to complain about then? Plus, nobody was coming."

"Exactly, an even better reason why the death turn wasn't needed! That's it. Next time you have a life-altering revelation, I'm driving."

Zell only could roll his eyes; he just wondered if should have told the commander what he was going to end up doing forty-five minutes ago. It would have saved them a whole lot of hassle. Truthfully, the martial artist would have bet that they wouldn't have made it fifteen minutes in the van, let alone forty-five. Thankfully, Zell had already learned the lesson about wagering and love…

* * *

If she had to come up with one word to describe her feelings right now it would be _surreal._

There was no other way to describe it and even that barely captured the essence of her mood. It wasn't the sadness of grieving or mourning; it wasn't the excitement or joy of expecting his return. It was a mixture of none of those and a mixture of all of those at once.

After they had left, she had not accomplished much. At that point, it was becoming an internal battle within herself. Rinoa let out a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts as she sat on the edge of her couch.

As Rinoa sighed aloud, Angelo perked her ears in the direction of her master. The dog was curled into a semi-circle at the other end of the sofa, attempting to take a nap. However, apparently the noise was rather distracting as witnessed by Angelo's current state of annoyance.

Rinoa looked at her exasperatingly. "Oh _that _you hear… a man walking outside on the patio and not even a head turn yet I sigh and the world as you know it ends. I see how you are."

Turning away, Rinoa slumped back onto the couch, reached for the remote, and needlessly flipped through the television channels. Of all the things to catch her attention, she even surprised herself by stopping at the last few minutes of a hockey game. There was always a sense of nostalgia watching the Galbadia Bears playing, especially on home ice. She had often watched this as a child; it was one of the few positive memories of Caraway. Back then, she never understood the game itself or the man's adoration of it, but she liked the fact that her father showed interest in something that wasn't the military. Oddly enough, at this moment, she found a parallel comfort for that very reason.

Not to mention, she loved the team's mascot. Caraway even bought her an official stuffed replica once for her birthday. An adorable mascot was all it took for her as a child as how could you not cheer for the Galbadian Bears over the Trabian Blazers? She never knew what the heck a blazer was anyhow, besides a man's jacket? Trabia had a lightning bolt on their uniform, but as a child, who wouldn't cheer for a cartoon bear over _that_? She was never a fan of lightning anyhow, even if it was in the form of a stylized logo on a uniform.

When the game was over, she found herself once again switching between channels. Of course, nothing else on seemed to hold her interest for more than a second nor keep her mind occupied. At one point, she actually passed by a fishing program and had to inwardly chuckle to herself. She found herself thinking of Squall's earlier comments which, again, didn't help her current situation in the least.

In a desperate attempt to find anything worthwhile, she finally stopped on a movie that depicted the legend of Odin. Laying down, Rinoa pulled a blanket over herself and settled down to get more comfortable; Angelo reluctantly followed suit, rearranging herself. The movie seemed to be a low-budget production that was almost comical in its badness. She watched in horror as their version of Sleipnir galloped across the screen; four of its eight legs looked like they were made out of papier-mâché.

She couldn't help but laugh.

That was until she realized that her first instinct was to call Zone. This was normally the point where she would get him on the telephone, force him to turn on the television, and they would laugh hysterically together as they mocked the movie. Now, she felt as if she couldn't even do that.

Rinoa hadn't really thought about it until now, about how much she had relied on Zone in her day-to-day life. She had never looked at their relationship as anything beyond a best friend or a close sibling but now she wondered if somehow, somewhere she had mistakenly given off other signals. Asking herself this was going to be a pointless battle. She had to get her mind off of things, off of _everything_, but given the secrets that she was keeping, that reality seemed highly unlikely anytime soon.

She felt lost.

Closing her eyes, she wished that Zell and Squall hadn't left. It wasn't just having Squall there, although that was beyond words, it was the feeling of being useful, of being part of a team. Right now, those feelings were all but gone – she was rather stuck and very alone. In a day or two, she would most likely return to work. She desperately wanted to get back into a normal, or at least a semi-normal, routine but she always reached for the impossible.

At this point, Rinoa closed her eyes, only half-listening to the television on in the background. She had been extremely tired. Truthfully, she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before although she wasn't complaining about that minor detail –_ at all._

Her eyes flew open. Rinoa wasn't sure if she had fallen asleep or not, but the sound of the telephone ringing brought her back into reality. However, that fact was definitely a doubled-edged sword. There was slight fear in answering but, truthfully, there was more of a fear in answering and then being let down - three weeks can really change a one's perspective. She didn't have time to contemplate it much further as she sat up just enough to grab the phone.

"Hello." She hadn't meant to sound tired but she didn't do a very good job of disguising it.

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"Me?" She subconsciously smiled at the all too familiar voice. "Nah, I was just watching a movie."

"Liar," he replied bluntly; she could tell that she had been caught.

"Fine, I was watching a really bad movie and then kinda dozed off. There, happy? I just didn't want you to feel bad waking me."

"I don't," he said firmly, but still in a quieter tone than normal. "Tired, huh?"

"I wonder _why_," she replied sarcastically. "Zell asleep? You sound like you're whispering."

"I am, yes, I just don't really want to be heard."

She smiled. "Make it out of Timber all right?"

"We did. It looks like there's a storm off in the distance… hopefully it goes the other way."

"I can imagine. I'd hate driving over the water in that thing. You're like in a lightning rod on wheels."

"Zell shares a very similar opinion. We'll be careful, trust me."

"I do. You'd better be, because after all this over, I'm holding you to everything." She paused slightly. "So, learn anything new?"

"Hmm," he said softly, as if he were truly contemplating the question "In just over two hours? Well, I suppose technically… there were a few things – apparently, I'm extremely biased against Chocobos, Zell was in a truck that was hit by lighting as a kid, and Angelo is possibly the world's worst watch dog."

She had to laugh. "I meant about the case, silly."

"About the case? No, nothing. …So did _you_ learn anything in the last two hours?"

Rinoa found it an odd question, figuring that she wasn't really working on the case. Then again, she was pretty sure his question was completely supposed to steer her in another direction.

"…Maybe," she said, taking a deep breath apprehensively.

Rinoa found herself looking down to the other end of the couch. Angelo was currently using her master's legs as a pillow; the canine seemed to be staring off into space, entranced into her own personal world outside. A lot of help her furry companion was - the dog could have been a million miles away and Rinoa would have felt just as alone. Angelo must have sensed that her master was looking at her as she begrudgingly raised her eyebrows and glanced over. The look lasted just a mere second and was more an action of aggravation rather than comfort; apparently, the dog had bigger concerns.

Rinoa shook her head and tried to ignore her furry critic. "I've figured out that the Galbadian hockey team still has the best mascot, that papier-mâché should never be used for special effects and…"

Rinoa sat up slightly, repositioning herself so that she was leaning on her elbow. Angelo grunted in annoyance – pillows were not supposed to move. Rinoa ignored the protest and tried to focus on what was important, to focus on the words she wanted to say.

"…But most of all, I learned that I really, really miss you already. For more than one reason, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought."

"What about Angelo?" he asked softly.

"What about her?" she questioned, looking down at her feet. The dog seemed to perk her ears up as if she knew she was the subject of conversation.

"You seem slightly irritated with her."

"To her, I might as well not even be here. She's more interested in staring outside."

"Yes, I'm very well aware of that. Cut her some slack though, you aren't exactly making it easy for her to sleep."

"Oh sure, take her side. At this point, she isn't being much of a – wait, what?" Rinoa sat up quickly, knocking the poor dog off of the couch. This earned her a very contemptuous look from her best friend.

"Well that one's going to cost you," he said lightheartedly. There was a slight pause before the next words. "Look outside."

She moved the phone receiver down to her chest, still refusing to let it go. If she did, maybe the connection would be broken; her heart was still in too much shock to believe her eyes. Once more, he stood on her patio, but this time his head rested against the glass and the phone to his ear. Why she hadn't heard him was well beyond her, though apparently Angelo had sensed him quite awhile ago, she just never figured him any kind of threat. Sure his voice had been soft, barely above a whisper at time, but she still would have thought she would have heard something.

Finally standing, she let the phone drop from her chest while clumsily putting it back on the cradle, all the time never taking her eyes off of him. It had only been a few hours this time, not three years, but there was something unprecedented in his return.

Moving towards him, she managed to open the sliding door, still in shock. Not to mention the overwhelming sense of déjà vu, but not nearly the same scale. Still, seeing him standing there was a wonderful surprise.

"Do you not believe in knocking?" she asked, throwing her arms around him.

"Do you not believe in the smallest amount of security?" He answered wryly as he returned the embrace. "Unlocked doors, easy passwords, a watchdog that looks more upset by you moving than someone staring inside?"

"Hey, my doors_ are_ locked," she answered, her head still resting on his chest.

He pulled back, looking at her curiously. "This one wasn't. I just watched you open it."

"Touché Leonhart," she mused, knowing he had her there. She smiled as they pulled apart, she gave him a tap on shoulder. "Okay seriously, why are you back?"

"I forgot a few things, that's all."

"Oh," she said slightly disappointed, although she had no idea what answer she would have expected to hear from him. If she had stopped to think about it - that was the most logical response to her question.

Grabbing her arm lead her inside closing the door behind them. "Sorry to momentarily cut this reunion short but I need to go open your overhead garage door. Zell's outside, probably a nervous wreck, wondering what the hell is taking me so long."

"Oh yeah, no problem." She waved him on stepping aside, although still in total disbelief. Curiosity finally got the better of her and while he was heading toward the door she had to ask, "I thought pretty much everything was in the van. What did you manage to forget anyhow?"

He never turned around as he opened the garage door. "You, for one."

She stood dumbstruck in her living room. Was he possibly saying what she thought he was? Her interpretation was totally ridiculous and absurd on so many levels; she knew that she had to be sorely mistaken.

…_Right?_

In fact, she hadn't been able to move since the words had left his mouth. Even during the course of the garage door opening and the van pulling inside, she felt as if he had unintentionally used a Petrify spell on her.

He finally shut the door to the garage, leaving both the van and comrade inside. It appeared that it was just going to be the two, at least for the moment.

"You're… you're not serious?" she asked half-jokingly.

There was nothing even remotely funny about this. It was again, one of the only exposed, raw emotions that had been readily accessible in her mind. There had to a rational answer though it was lost on her. Squall did always have a sense of humor that could be considered off-kilter to some; maybe it was just lost in translation somehow.

"I mean," she laughed nervously when he hadn't responded to her question, "that's absurd, right?"

"Why?" he asked simply. He was not going to back away from his decision. Taking a few steps towards her, his gazed remained firmly on her. "You don't want to come along?"

"It's not that… It's just that – wait, are you serious?" she questioned again, still on this side of disbelief.

He took another step closer to her, to a point that he could reach out and touch her. When her silence continued, he did just that. Placing both of his hands on her shoulders, he forced her to no longer shy away from him. It only took one look in his eyes, to know how deadly serious he truly was.

"You really are," she said incredulously. "Does the headmaster know you're here?"

"Not a damn clue," his deadpan reaction was quite telling. "He's going to a little pissed."

"Well, that part sounds a little more par for the course." She bit her lip and nodded as she tried to digest this entire scenario. There were so many things wrong with it…but there seemed to be many more that were right. Still, she had to look at realistically rather than be caught up in the fairytale. She had already been down that road as was quite evident in the past.

"How am I supposed to just leave?" she asked, exasperated, "That alone is going to raise so many questions."

"You're already on leave from work," he responded calmly, stating his case, "You said they'd give you as much time as you needed. I'm not asking for forever, just to help while you're able. We'll take it step by step. I'd _never _want you to put your job in jeopardy. Hell, even Zone said you should get away, if I recall correctly."

He then cynically added, "Of course, he also mentioned you should 'get away' with _him, _but his point still stands. Tell them you're going to take a few days off, say you just need to get away and think. If Zone or Watts ask, tell them you're going to visit Quistis and Selphie or, hell, tell them that you're going to see Laguna. It's not that farfetched. You can call them from the road so they don't worry."

Returning to his normal posture, he reached upward, pushing the hair out of her face.

"Rinoa, think of it this way - we _need _you. It's impossible for Zell and I to go around asking any questions without raising some huge-ass red flags. You can. You're the only other person that knows the entire story, you're the only person we can trust."

"Yeah, yeah…like I_ wasn't_ going to go with you from the second I realized you were serious. But, you know me, I just can't run off with the first guy in a van that shows up at my door. I at least have to play somewhat hard to get."

"Tease," he whispered as he leaned down to kiss her.

As they broke apart, Rinoa realized that she had a thousand things that needed attending to and suddenly facing major time constraints. Still, she knew this decision was right, everything about it felt right. In her heart, this was the answer she had been silently praying for; she wouldn't have to try to hide behind facades to those around her. She could help on a mission that she was already so deeply invested in…and of course, she would be with him.

"I need to make a few calls and pack, see if I can get Watts to watch Angelo again… It's going to be…awkward but, I'll get ready as quick as I can." As an afterthought she added, "Oh, you said there was something else you forgot, can I help?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, before waving her off.

"No, I'll take care of it. You just take care of yourself." He knew he had made the right decision, but suddenly those repressed feelings seemed to be creeping up. He wouldn't do this, not again. There were no backing-outs, no doubts – not anymore.

"Okay." She smiled before heading toward her bedroom but before she could reach the steps he called out to her.

"I officially welcome you to the van-from-hell….bring more pillows."

**Author end notes**: We are now entering the 'final stage' of the story! If I had to guess (which we all know how well I do that) I would estimate this has possibly ten chapters left including epilogue, again _possibly_. After that I'm hopefully returning to _Somewhere in Between_, at least that's the plan as of now. Also, most likely, I'll try to 'redo' this to a point to double chapter lengths, cut out any repetition, and fix the plethora of mistakes so bear with me on this. A special thanks to Wayward (my cohort in crime) for the use of the white blue-tipped Chocobo and of course Erica slugging through this. Next update should be _Endless Waltz_ so feel free to yell at me to hurry…just avoiding tossing sharp, pointy objects. ;)

 

* * *

** _Chapter Fifty-One: Ship in a Bottle_ **

* * *

He tried to keep his mind on the road and, for the most part, he had managed to drive without incident. It was those little moments in between that concentration became increasingly difficult. Every so often, his attention would drift and Squall found himself subconsciously checking the back of the van. With ease, his eyes would dart from the road to her reflection in the rearview mirror. It was a reassurance that had became a necessity over the last years.

He was just glad they had made it to this point as getting Rinoa out Timber, hadn't exactly been the definition of 'smooth sailing.' It had taken some time, some great effort, and unfortunately, some amount of deceit.

Rinoa had to explain to her friends her sudden, and extremely rash, decision to up at leave everything. Watts had been the easiest, even agreeing to keep Angelo until her return. Babysitting the canine served a distraction for his older children, as a lot of the focus was being placed on the soon-to-be arrival.

Work too wasn't that difficult; she had essentially just left a message with her supervisor. Rinoa had already been on personal leave and they were more than understanding to her situation. Although she had always put in a ridiculous amount of time and effort into work, the powers that be also saw a great asset in having her around. She knew that they would grant her the time without question and, right now, 'no questions' was a greatly appreciated benefit – even if it wasn't outlined in the employee handbook.

…And then there was Zone. That was the call she had been the most hesitant to make.

But she did. For better or worse, she made it.

It took her a short time to gather the courage to even dial his number. At that point, Rinoa wasn't even sure if he wanted to talk with her, even though she had a sneaking suspicion that he would accept her call.

After hearing the news, Zone had cycled through his emotions and ran her through the possibilities; he had gone from blaming himself, to trying to talk her out of it, and then finally to offering to go with her.

Of course, with that last prospect, Zell had to cover his face and laugh into a couch pillow; the martial artist was never the most subtle with his reactions. His response didn't go unnoticed by either Rinoa or the commander but, both tried their best to ignore his actions although admittedly Squall shared roughly the identical sentiment as his friend on the inside. However, it was inappropriate and in rather bad form for him to laugh into a pillow so he just lived this moment vicariously through his cohort.

Truthfully, Squall's response could have been born out of jealousy or suspicion – but he couldn't deny that something had not set right with him this entire time. Zone had always harbored feelings toward Rinoa, although he had never acted on them.

Still, the commander felt as if Zone was almost exploiting his 'death' to his benefit. Squall was the last person that should be thinking along these lines - his perceptions of relationships and friendships had been severely skewed at times. In all honesty, Zone's offer to come along may have been completely innocent and based solely on friendship…either that or he was trying desperately to find an emotional opening with Rinoa.

_Whatever. _It didn't matter what the intentions were, Zone certainly wasn't going to be joining them.

No matter how underhanded Squall believed his motivations might have been, it was a moot argument. Not only that, but he was going to have to learn to get along with the man as they had a lot in common. First, they were going to be living in the same town. Second, given their choice in careers, they would eventually and most likely, would cross paths often.

…Next, they both loved Rinoa. It pained him to admit, but that was a truth he would accept.

Finally, and most importantly, Rinoa loved them both.

Of course, the word 'love' was defined in very different ways - but no matter what, she wanted them both in her life, needed them both in her life. He was not too selfish to see this. No matter what, he respected their friendship. Zone had been there, just like Laguna, when Squall had not – he could never forget that.

However, that was in the future, in the present, the damn guy wasn't coming with them.

When Rinoa tried explaining that she just needed time alone, it repeatedly fell on deaf ears. Trying not to become upset, she constantly reminded herself to see this from his perspective. In one final push, she tried explaining again, letting all the words flow naturally from her heart. She reiterated to him her thankfulness and the importance of their friendship but, she would still have to decline his offer.

Truthfully, even before the first call to Watts, Rinoa knew that trying to explain this decision to go away would be difficult. It wasn't like her to up and leave, which most likely led to Zone's concern. Rinoa at sixteen was very carefree; Rinoa at twenty-three was the exact opposite. It might have been only seven years but, in that time, she had lived a lifetime of experience, but she also carried several decades of regret.

Zone questioned her about where she honestly believed she would be heading and for the sake of argument, she finally caved and gave him an answer. After some reluctance, Rinoa admitted that her immediate plan was to head to Esthar. Not shockingly, he was less than thrilled with that prospect, but with a little coaxing and convincing on her part, he started to come around to her way of thinking.

Rinoa had always been quite open to everyone about her friendship with Laguna Loire. On some levels, it surpassed the any other parental relationship she had; she no longer blamed Caraway for that, but she also was very thankful for Laguna's understanding. Laguna had always strangely a part of her life, even before she was born. He had offered her mother support and encouragement and he had done the same for her nearly a quarter century later. So, in the end, even Zone found himself supportive of her decision.

…But only if Rinoa's 'decision' had been the truth.

As their conversation continued, Rinoa went as far as promising to call him every day, keeping him updated - much to Squall's frustration; the commander remained unfazed by the 'verbal contract,' because it wasn't his place to protest. However, it didn't mean that he had to _like_ the idea and he most certainly _didn't. _He was relieved when the call ended. Hanging up the phone, she offered a sympathetic smile but nothing further was said between them.

Rinoa made her way upstairs and started to pack when the phone rang again... And just as Squall believed that this evening had hit a crescendo and couldn't get worse, _it did._

After hanging up, Zone apparently called Watts and, during that short time, the duo mutually decided it best to see their friend off. Rinoa panicked as she mentally started running through a thousand excuses why that was a _very bad_ idea. Not one thing she could think of seemed plausible yet, to her surprise, Squall waved his hand dismissively as if to go along and 'just do it.'

Truthfully, the last thing the commander wanted was for her to deviate from her normal behavior. It would only be natural those two would want to see her off and if she stopped acting like herself, that's when things would quickly fall apart. He would never ask to be anything but the person he fell in love with.

He was quite aware that they would most likely try to talk her out of her decisions. This is where he would have to trust in her abilities and if, at any time, she really did change her mind, he always wanted to leave that option open.

Right now though, he would trust in the fact that she would join them, so now they needed to plan accordingly. Luckily, contingency planning was one of the commander's strong points; it was a militaristic trait he had always excelled at - unless it required public speaking and a speech. All bets would be off then.

It was decided that the two SeeDs would take off and head toward the joint train station at Mandy Beach - a depot had been built after the area had started to become commercially developed. After Ultimecia, rebuilding and expanding were key to the world's economy and coastal regions building vacation resorts were becoming the norm. Everyone one wanted to get away, out of the city, but still close enough for a day or weekend getaway. Places that built resorts such as Mandy Beach were thriving. Even the continent of Trabia had developed its own resort, although the main focus there was skiing and snowboarding.

Rinoa had called to check the train schedule, unfortunately there were no more departures tonight, but there was a bus leaving in approximately forty-five minutes. She quickly reserved a ticket to Esthar, although she would get off way before that.

From there, the plan went rather smoothly. Squall and Zell took off in the van immediately and headed towards Mandy Beach. A few minutes later, Zone and Watts showed up and, as if on cue, insisted on taking her to bus station. For Rinoa, it was actually nice. When she saw Zone, there wasn't the awkwardness which she had expected, apparently having Watts there made all the difference. Either way, she was glad this was the impression she was left with rather than the other night at her front door. There were a few words of concern, but not any lecturing from either of her friends.

_This_ was the caring and compassionate Zone she loved. As she got on the bus, the two wished her well before emphatically waving goodbye. Rinoa noticed they didn't move as the bus pulled away, still continuing to watch the bus disappear down the highway.

Twenty minutes later, the bus arrived at its first stop – the joint Mandy Beach train and bus station. Even though her ticket was through to Esthar, she never had an intention of going all the way into the city. It was all about pretenses and believability.

When Rinoa finally arrived at Mandy Beach, she got off the bus and immediately scanned for the all-too-familiar van. It was easily distinguishable, to her at least, but only because it had been her target – to everyone else, it was simply an ordinary white company van.

During the twenty minute bus ride, Rinoa found that the solitude gave her ample time to think. It gave her time to reflect on everything, even allowing her to work through the guilt she felt about lying to her friends. When she entered the van, she seemed unusually quiet. Squall wanted to ask her about it but, again, thought better of it. If she wanted to talk, she would if and when she was ready. Maybe there wasn't even anything to tell; it could have just been something else he was reading into.

…Which led them back to this point - the point where Squall's eyes drifted from the road to the back of the van.

By now, they had been on the road for nearly three hours. For the majority of time, Zell had been riding the passenger's seat, flashlight once again in hand, much to Squall's displeasure. Rinoa had _insisted _that she stay in the back of the van, vetoing both of the SeeDs counter-insistence, again much to Squall's displeasure.

Still, Rinoa felt as if her presence was already inconvenient enough; the van-from-hell most certainly wasn't designed to accommodate two grown adults, let alone adding a third to the mix -although she doubted that Squall would agree with her assessment in that matter. Even Zell was in favor of the increase in passengers; he just wanted this mission over with more than any of them. So she guessed if her presence sped that process up, she was doing the right thing. Zell also excitedly announced that she was very capable of ordering food at a drive-thru and that alone was enough reason to bring her along.

Over the last half an hour, there had been relative silence between the group. Zell had all but given up on trying to find environmental connections but he skimmed through the files just to pass the time. The entire mood of the van remained somber; the fact that two of them were running on just few hours sleep came into play - at least Zell had a managed a decent rest last night. With the obstacles that lay before them, the fact remained that all of them could have used a few hours sleep.

Rinoa had been sitting on the floor, perched between the beanbag and some pillows. It was far from safe but it proved more comfortable than the van's bolted-down stools. She, herself, had been mostly over thinking today's events instead of being useful and, like Zell, had just been skimming the papers in her hand. Letting out a tired sigh, she tried again to concentrate. To her surprise, she was broken from her near-hypnotic trance when she could feel the van deviating from its course. She looked forward as if to ask, but Squall was already one step ahead of her.

"This is the last pull-off before Fisherman's Horizon. We can get few hours sleep before morning. I think we all need it."

Looking at the map, Zell enthusiastically stated, "Awesome! And we're only about twenty minutes out - easy drive in the morning."

When the World Council had reconstructed the bridge system years prior, they had added a few rest stops to the longer stretches of highway. It was nothing more than a small building and access parking, but it served its purpose. It was expensive building the stops with supports over the water, but the necessity was evident and, surprisingly, Esthar helped absorb a good portion of the cost.

Squall parked the van in the furthest most spot, leaned back into his chair, and then closed his eyes. It had been years since he had been on these roads and he had been trying to distance himself from those memories. It was easy at first but, as they grew closer to Fisherman's Horizon, it became increasingly difficult. The commander had forgotten about all these paralleling details that suddenly started to flood back from his subconscious.

Over the years, he had tried to repress nearly aspect of that trip and, to some extent, it worked. Three years ago, FH had just been an overnight stop before Esthar, but still, it was the last time he had traveled down these roads. It honestly surprised him how much this started to bother him; it was as if the memories were manifesting themselves in one hideous blow. In all his years in 'talking' to professionals about it, nobody ever seemed to focus on the little things, but right now, it was the little things that felt completely damning.

All he could do is close his eyes and try to rest; he hoped that his lack of sleep was responsible for this line of thinking.

When nobody seemed to be moving, Rinoa looked around in confusion. "So, um, how do you guys sleep?"

"Usually with our eyes closed, and you?"

"Funny – haha," Rinoa sarcastically replied, "your originality knows no bounds."

Standing from the seat, Zell let out a small chuckle as he made his way towards the back. "Nah, seriously, we just sleep however or wherever we can… Oh, and usually as far apart as possible to avoid any physical harm but, somehow, I think your boyfriend won't have the same issues with you."

It momentarily took Rinoa aback when Zell used the phrase 'boyfriend.' It was something very unfamiliar to her ears; to hear it again after everything and after all this time felt entirely surreal. It was fairly dark, but she glanced toward Squall. Her eyes finally focused enough for her to realize that he hadn't turned around. Quite honestly, he didn't even appear to be listening or, more than likely, he was choosing to selectively ignore his 'vanmates.'

Trying to define an outline, her eyes remained fixed on Squall. She had expected him to move by now, the fact he seemed so withdrawn started to bother her. She hoped that she was just over thinking again…

At least Zell continued to be his normal self as he started fixing a place to sleep.

"Seriously, Rinoa, you need to know again how much of a difference your pillows and blankets have made in my life. Have I already mentioned how much I love you?"

Rinoa broke from her trance, offering a tired smile, although she doubted the gesture could be seen. "Yes Zell…often, but sometimes I think you're just using me for me linens."

"Totally… and don't forget your ability to go buy food. So…if you're in Fisherman's Horizon tomorrow and you find yourself walking by a place that serves cheese fries – don't be afraid to get an order…or three."

"Yes, you've also already mentioned my ability to get you food...but hey, at least you're honest about what you want in our relationship," she said halfheartedly. "So, I can respect that."

Immediately, after the words left her mouth, her brain quickly processed a possible secondary meaning. If Squall _had _been listening, her innocent comment may have come off as rather condescending; again, depending on how one interpreted it. Tentatively, she looked back up front worried. It really made no sense, if she stopped to think about it – why she should feel this way after everything between them? But again, what was new was old and what old was new – everything had happened so quickly she found herself falling back into old patterns. So when she saw him still sitting in the driver's seat, she felt slightly at a loss.

Zell was already in the process of making himself at home; the only thing she got from Squall was his usual indifference – _almost_.

It was then she could sense something much deeper. Rinoa doubted that he had even heard her exchange with Zell, as she believed he was lost someplace else. Truthfully, it had been a long time since she had felt this connection. Only one thing came remotely close in three years and that was in a restaurant in Timber of all places. Weeks ago, she felt as if she was losing her sanity as she stood in that restroom. That entire experience left her dumbfounded – her mind and thoughts were fuzzy and unclear. It was like trying to wake up from a nightmare but never quite succeeding. However, the sensation now was more definite and, while somewhat frantic, her mind could still make sense and order of the feelings.

There was only a brief moment of uncertainty, but it seemed as if she could decipher the coded thoughts, as they were not only hers, but feelings he was experiencing. She realized what was happening; not only in his emotions, but she also knew that this was a moment, a step, in reconnecting a bond. However, she knew now was not the time to talk to him about _that _and certainly not the place. Still, there was something troubling him so it came down to two options…

There was a moment where she felt conflicted on what to do as the 'old her' would have gone over to talk to him and try getting him to open up She then silently wondered how it was possible that they somehow were standing right back at square one after all these years

…Then again, this wasn't square one and whether she was her new or old self wasn't relevant. It was about a mission, it was about getting rest, it was simply about their future. She wouldn't make him talk about anything he wasn't willing to, but she wasn't going to let him go through it alone – he had been doing that all his life.

Standing up, she made her way Zell, who had already claimed his spot. Placing a hand on Squall's shoulder she asked, "Hey, want to go stretch out?"

Rinoa noticed that he didn't seem too startled by her, or even flinch at her touch.

"Or at least attempt to," she then softly added as she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I'm fine," he started to protest but, as soon as he said the words, he had quite the startling revelation - _he wasn't._

With that, he opened his eyes, looking over to her. It was then he also realized that wasn't even the question she had asked. His answer had been a natural defensive response to what he thought anyone would ask.

"Uh huh, yeah…you're _fine_," she said smoothly.

He watched as she offered her hand to him and with slight hesitation, he accepted it. As it was impossible to stand upright as he followed her lead. He grumbled slightly when he was forced to sidestep over Zell. He doubted Rinoa would believe him if he 'accidently' stepped on his fellow SeeD. It didn't stop the thought from entering his mind though.

When the commander finally made it to the back, he bent down next to Rinoa. Still slightly in a fog, he watched as she started to lay out a sleeping bag. It took a second for her actions to completely register and then his more chivalrous side kicked in.

"Here, let me do that."

Reaching forward, he grabbed a second blanket from the pile as it would at least be something to use as secondary padding. Over the years, necessity had made him grow accustomed to sleeping in inconvenient places, but to her, he knew that the metal floor would prove inhospitable. It was vastly different than the bed she slept in nightly; it wasn't even comparable to the bare ground the group often found themselves sleeping on while fighting Ultimecia.

Glancing over to her, Squall offered a small and tired smile though he doubted she could see. "You're our first officially guest after all…and apparently my roommate, the one without manners, is already half asleep. So let me offer the official tour – right now you're in the living room, kitchen, bedroom, and depending on my mood, my version of the training center."

"I shouldn't ask, should I?" Shaking her head, she began taking off her shoes.

"Probably not."

"For the record, he lost that fight," Zell tiredly corrected from his spot.

"Whatever…I thought you were asleep anyhow."

Rinoa laughed as she crawled onto the makeshift bedding. Squall followed suit without any further prodding. However he had opted to keep his shoes on and so did Zell. It was years of training in the mentality 'be ready for anything' versus comfort and at that point, feeling as exposed as they did in the van, training outweighed comfort handily.

Together they remained seated on the 'bed.' It appeared as if they were mutually waiting on the other to lay down first. Even now, they were relatively in the shadows; it was just the slight illumination the rest stop allowed. Both of them had regained some sight, as their eyes had made adjustments but mostly remained hidden.

Rinoa nervously played with the chain of her necklace; part of her still wanted to talk to him but she also knew it was virtually impossible. Although earlier she had played his answer off rather passively, she knew the truth. Her response had been more to the fact that he was trying to deny something so obvious.

Taking a great chance she leaned forward and whispered softly in his ear. "You're not fine."

He shook his head, indicating that 'no' he wasn't fine and even though it wasn't spoken in words, his outright admission had surprised her.

To her surprise, he leaned to her ear and whispered one soft word, "Memories."

And with that one poignant word - she knew exactly what he had meant.

Again she was shocked that he had been so openly candid. This quickly disproved her earlier theory because they most certainly were _not_ back at square one - it wasn't even close. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. Together they found momentary solace within one another's embrace.

No long details. No words. No living in that past – at least in that moment.

There were no further explanations but there were actions. As she started to break away, he was the one to find her lips, initiating a kiss. It was both simple and complex; it was both needed assurance and unexplored anxiety within one action. And yet, as he pulled away, his mind felt more at ease. No, the memories were still there and they always would be; the more his thoughts dwelled on it, the stronger they would become. Still, above all else, he knew that having her there with him, _for him_ – it just felt right.

He was the one to end the unspoken stalemate, breaking from the embrace and finally stretching out onto the bed. This time it was her turn to allow him the lead as they attempted to get comfortable – attempt being the key word. Finding a position to sleep proved rather tricky as both had to keep their legs bent due to major space constraints. Rinoa had finally settled on her side, Squall behind her with his arm lazily draped over her waist.

She briefly wondered if he would have been more comfortable staying in the driver's seat. Then again, 'comfort' was a relative term and right now this may have been a case of mental over physical.

It didn't take long before they were both asleep, but only if 'sleep' had come that easily.

For her, it had been a battle of needs – one to be comfortable and one of sleep. How many times she had woken was hard to tell if she honestly had been asleep at all. It was an odd feeling to be sleeping in a van which was literally resting atop an ocean. With every noise outside, Rinoa found that the trance of sleep quickly subsiding. She inwardly groaned, realizing that _this time _it wasn't an outside distraction, but something a lot on the inside.

This time, it was Zell's loud breathing that was responsible. She wouldn't exactly define it as snoring, although it was damn close. At least, that was she thought had woken her until she fully recognized the truth.

Although Squall had draped an arm around her when they first laid down – something that could be deemed as a simple action of closeness. In the past, she had learned that their version of 'cuddling' certainly couldn't be placed under any standard definitions. Just like when they woke up in her bed the morning before, the human contact aspect was usually not part of his nature.

Again, they often found themselves, even with their limited experience, on opposite sides of the bed or even back to back and neither of them seemed to mind. Back then, it was just the reassurance of not being alone; it was not necessary falling asleep cradled in one another's arms to a point of various limbs falling asleep. That was fine for some couples, but it was just not for them…or rather him, but she had learned to accept that too in the past.

But that is what made _this_ moment stand out. It wasn't just an arm draped casually over her side; it was two arms encircling her to a point that it felt unnatural. He rarely held onto her like this, and even more remarkable was that this was an unconscious act on his part. He was very much unaware of his actions, which only spoke to her on a much deeper level.

Squall was still resting behind, following the contours of her body. His arm was not just placed, but wrapped around her as well as a second one that had managed to slide underneath her body. It was a tight grasp, an embrace of reassurance and need. It was all together consoling and uncomfortable at the same time. It was not born out of the act of passion or want, but of need and undiscovered desperation.

Whatever the 'memories' he spoke of earlier were…they must have torn at him. It was enough to make him cross uncharted boundaries as his head buried itself into her back. She would have moved but she had a fear of disturbing him. At that point, her body had already put aside the feelings of awkwardness so she did nothing. She didn't move. She didn't wake him. She closed her eyes and just wondered, wondered what he was thinking. She wondered what nightmares and demons he was facing. She wondered if, just for a moment, she could help the memories subside. So again, she did nothing but allow him these stolen moments of comfort.

* * *

Oddly enough, it was Zell who woke up first and Squall shortly after. It was still dark, but the sun was just starting to peer over the horizon. As much as they would have liked to sleep a little bit longer, but they both knew it was impossible. Their stirring woke up Rinoa, although she had never been exactly 'sound asleep' in the first place.

Zell smiled as rolled up his bag. "You do realize when Irvine retells this story, and he will, this will not be how the events of last night went down…I'm just saying."

Rinoa shook her head and rolled her eyes. "We kissed one time, get over it."

Squall, however, wasn't even going to dignify that with a response.

Trying to sit up, Rinoa felt as if she had just run an entire marathon – a marathon in high heels no less. She needed to try and stretch her muscles out, hoping that her aching pain would soon subside. Standing up, she felt a sharp sting run rampantly through her entire body.

Groaning in pain, she closed her eyes as she tried to stretch out within her given confines. "God, I'm so sore this isn't even funny."

"Don't encourage him," Squall stated in all seriousness.

"Encourage _what_?" Rinoa said in confusion until the double meaning hit her and her eyes flew open. "Great, I'm trapped in a damn locker room."

Irritated that her friend had started her morning off badly, she grabbed a nearby pillow. With all the force she could muster, which wasn't much given her discomfort, she heaved the object at Zell which was easily caught.

Squinting her eyes at her friend, Rinoa replied in annoyance, "Why couldn't you be Selphie or Quistis? I need another female around here."

Zell laughed, playfully tossing the pillow back at her. "Wait, wait…you're right. _That_ is the story I'm going to tell."

"Squall!" Rinoa looked at him for some kind of backup to which she received none.

He shrugged his shoulders as he held some wires in his hand. "I told you not to encourage him."

She desperately tried to derail the conversation. "I need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee."

Squall continued fiddling with the electrical device in his hands. "Well, just about set here so we'll be in town shortly. I'm sure they'll have something there."

"With my luck, this will be the week the Dobes decide to boycott coffee beans." Rinoa moved over next to him as she watched him intently. "What's that anyhow?"

Opening a hand, he showed her a small earpiece. "Put this in your left ear. That way you can hear us if we need to get in contact."

"And this," he began as he turned and grabbed something resting behind him, "is a small microphone that will pick up what you're saying. You can attach it to your bra strap."

Rinoa turned around quickly to Zell, giving him a warning look. "Don't _even _say it. Not one word or I'm using a Silence spell on you the rest of the day, got it?" She pointed to herself adding, "Sorceress, remember? No Para-Magic or GFs required."

Squall ignored the exchange and instead signaled her to bend down. Ignoring the pain, she obliged and scooted down so he could attach the microphone.

"Is the lower strap all right?"

"I guess. I'm wearing a t-shirt so it shouldn't bother me too much."

"Okay," he stated and then stared at her as if waiting for her to make the next move. "Um, Rinoa, I need to pin this on you."

"You what?" she said in horror, "Yeah, so much for not encouraging him."

Squall found himself trying to remain professional. It was business after all. "Rinoa, be logical. It's just easier. Rather than trying to stretch the neck of your shirt…and trust me, if you're worried about Zell – he's not going to look."

Just for effect, the commander threateningly added, "Trust me, he_ knows_ better."

Sighing, she obliged, knowing that he was right. It truly was no big deal and Squall had seen her in far less than a bra. It didn't take him long as he expertly managed to attach the microphone.

She flattened out her shirt after he was done but of course this just raised another question. "Um, Squall, how many of these have you attached?"

"Many, although very few on other people. We're kind of trained on how to use the equipment and all the females are responsible for attaching their own. With guys it can be a little more tricky, hiding it under a collar and such, but again, everyone is responsible for their own."

"So, why didn't I do it? I'm sure it can't be that difficult."

He shrugged. "I wanted to see if you'd actually do it with Zell around."

"I guess I should have been more worried about encouraging _you_," she sarcastically replied.

"I'm kidding, Rin. Honestly, it just falls under _my_ responsibility to make sure it's attached correctly. This is too important to me… I just wanted it done right. That's all, I promise, all right?"

"Okay," she smiled, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek though teasingly adding, "I'm keeping my eyes on you." She looked outside as the sun was shining a little brighter. "So, what is the plan anyhow, besides wearing this wire?"

To her surprise, Squall reached into his pocket and handed her a set a keys. "The plan is you're going to drive the van the last stretch into town. That way, we'll stay safely in back. I know the front windows are tinted, but it's all precautionary, especially when you open the door. It'll allow you to park anywhere and get out without a lot of hassle."

"So, what exactly is the plan once I get to FH? Just walk around?"

"Just walk around and _look good_," Zell laughed. When he received a heated glare from her he sheepishly responded, "Sorry, just channeling my inner Irvine…again. I blame the pain medication."

"You'll need more of it soon," she quipped before turning back to Squall. "Well, I guess unlike you, at least nobody's going to think twice about seeing me."

"They will. You're still widely known," he answered honestly, "but then they'll dismiss it just as easily."

"Great," she mumbled as she nervously wrapped her fingers around the keys, "Let's get this over with."


	18. Who Watches the Watchers?, And the Children Shall Lead, and Patterns of Force

** _Chapter Fifty-Two: Who Watches the Watchers?_ **

Rinoa kept her eyes on the road, fairing only slightly better than Squall the night before; the fact that he was also kneeling between the two front seats made his presence impossible to deny. He hadn't said much, but that was really nothing new. Truthfully, maybe there was nothing that needed to be said, at least for the time being.

Squall could have easily been in the passenger's seat but, for some reason, he felt more at ease propped in between. In some ways it also mirrored his state - somewhere in an emotional limbo. And maybe, just maybe, he felt more comfort being near her than being away.

He remembered being next to her like this once before, back on the Ragnarok. Both had times had been crossroads, but both were so very different in their definitions. At some points their similarities paralleled. At other times, they intersected. Either way he felt the need to remain near. Back then, it was coming to terms with his feelings for Rinoa, and of needing others. This time, it was strictly coming to terms with his memories, with the mistakes in his past. This time there was no coming to terms with his feelings towards her as he damn well knew them – and accepted them fully and willingly.

She must have sensed his apprehension but her only response was sideways glances and silent encouragement. Then again, she too had other thoughts on her mind and found difficulty in just staying on the road; this was all still rather surreal to her. Also, the fact that she about to blindly jump into investigating, something not among her normal abilities, weighed heavily on her mind. She had never had much reason to learn or to implement such skills. In the past, she was more of a 'leap before you look' type of person – on those accounts, anyone could have asked Squall to verify her track record.

In a way, Squall's presence was a two-way street, as he was offering her that same unspoken support. They could draw strength from each other – again, they counter-balanced each other perfectly. Both were also glad that Zell had taken over Rinoa's previous position from last night; even with all his teasing, he always knew when they needed space and allowed them just that.

A few minutes down the road, Fisherman's Horizon was visible off in the distance. The sun was shining and the water's reflection made it painfully bright. Rinoa found it impossible to drive without squinting. She cursed herself for not bringing sunglasses but, then again, that was about the least of her priorities last night.

Driving just past the outskirts, they pulled into a rather secluded parking area - thankfully binoculars would allow for a decent view of the town's main street. Putting the van into park, Rinoa took a few moments to compose her thoughts. Squall seemed to be stirring next to her, although he had been absently quiet. Looking around, she was astounded by all the activity. Given the hour, the sheer amount of pedestrian traffic caught her rather off guard.

"Wow, there's a ton of people already up. Is this normal or because of the murder?"

Squall finally broke his self-imposed silence. "Rin, it's a fishing town and depending on what species you're trying to catch, first light can be one of the best times of day to fish. Not to mention if you take into consideration the current season and tide levels - this would pretty much the norm."

She turned to him skeptically. "You and I really need to talk about this fishing thing, don't we?"

"Whatever." He shrugged noncommittally. "Do what you want but be forewarned…you will be dragged along one day."

"That better be a promise," she whispered.

Even now, he still made her nervous just as he had done years ago. Leaning down, she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before being a little more daring and tenderly kissing him on the lips. It wasn't long, but it was enough to get her point across and earn thinly-veiled smile from him. Their foreheads still rested against one another, neither being the first to pull away.

"You drag me onto the dance floor, I drag you out onto the ocean – seems about on par."

Standing up, Zell instinctively stretched his muscles as he moved towards one of the stools. He felt as if his input desperately needed to be interjected to the conversation. "For the record, someone's going to have to _drag me_ to a bathroom soon…you two are making me physically sick. So can we save the sap for when I'm not around? Somewhere in this town, there are clues to a killer…and freshly-made cheese fries. We need to find both."

Squall ignored the tone of the comment although the martial artist did have a valid point, minus the cheese fries - they did need to get a move on. Pulling away, he quickly looked back at Zell who now appeared to be powering up their end of the receiver. Reaching into his pocket, he handed Rinoa the earpiece.

As she accepted it, she glanced at the device only slightly before placing it into her ear. She leaned into him again, whispering ever-so-quietly so only he could hear as she didn't want to put any more undue stress on their comrade. "I noticed that you didn't ask me if I needed help putting the earpiece on... Can I assume it's not fun if lifting up my shirt isn't involved?"

"Rinoa-"

Before he could finish, she playfully cut him off and spoke softly into his ear. "That's okay, I usually have a lot of fun too if lifting my shirt is involved, especially on my lawn chair when it's raining."

Zell coughed into his hand from the back of the van. "_And…apparently_ some things in your relationship are no longer a mystery to me."

"Rinoa, your microphone is on," Squall stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "And_ he's_ at the other end, Irvine incarnate. You may want to keep that in mind."

Rinoa put her face in her hands, absolutely humiliated. It was one thing joking about ridiculous locker room antics with Zell. It was quite another to have _actual_ facts embarrassingly revealed.

Squall gently pulled Rinoa's hands from her face as he stood up. "Don't think about it…" Then with a tender smile, he guided her out of the seat and added, "However, that doesn't mean I won't."

"…_Still _can hear you, commander_."_

Squall skillfully avoided responding – out of sight, out of mind or something along those lines. Hopefully that analogy worked with words too at least in this particular case.

Rinoa had followed him to the back although she was surprised. This seemed to be deviating from the plan proposed at the rest stop. "Um, I kinda thought the plan was for me to get out right away while you two to hide back here."

"It was originally…but it appears we're secluded enough and I just don't want to leave anything to chance. I also intended do a test run on the equipment but that no longer seems necessary - your mic seems to have passed with flying colors. So, let me just give you a rundown instead."

Maneuvering around, he took the stool next to Zell, pulling her towards him. As she remained standing, he left one arm wrapped around her waist, keeping her near. With the other, he pointed to one of the larger pieces of electrical equipment.

"Remember we'll hear everything and if we have a question, we'll lead you through the earpiece. The hardest part is going to be hearing two voices if they overlap. Just remember to try not to give anything away. We'll do our best to remain silent. Think of us as two extra sets of ears out there for you. One of us will always have a visual and the other will be manning the receiver in case we need to communicate, all right?"

Biting her lip nervously, she nodded in understanding as her mind was trying to process everything being piled on her. It was a lot to handle all at once - much less comprehend. She realized the minute her feet hit the ground, she would be left to her own devices.

Squall could sense her hesitation and continued offering his encouragement. He gave her the last bit of advice that he could think of, advice that would not be given to any of his charges.

"One more thing, there are going to be people around, like I said earlier, depending on who's around - some _will _notice you. Above all, remember why you're here and how important this could be. You're going to have to ignore any thing that may come your way. Words are only words, remember that."

It was ironic poetry that he would say that to her after 'words' had so deeply scared her in the past.

"What do you mean, Squall?" she questioned slowly as his statement didn't sit right, "What exactly are you saying? Something tells me that there's _something_ you're not telling me…or, you know, something like that."

She inwardly cringed at how ridiculous that sounded to ears. It wasn't exactly her most eloquent moment. She desperately needed coffee. It was too damn early in the morning to form a coherent thought without caffeine.

Much to her surprise, it wasn't Squall who furthered the explanation rather it was Zell. "You gotta remember, this is the first big media event after Squall's funeral… Conner Blalock's murder is as unique as the place he died and as far as you…well, seeing you here might look suspicious. Others sent to investigate might question if you showing up is really 'just a coincidence' or not but, it's kinda their job. Unfortunately, some people will draw their own conclusions no matter how incorrect."

Zell took a deep breath before saying, "Rinoa, the world didn't forget about you two as a couple, even if you guys tried to. Most importantly, they're quickly going to remember you're a sorceress and speculate. It can be human nature to think the worst, especially at times when people are looking to focus the blame somewhere…_anywhere_ but themselves."

Her voice was just a hair above a whisper as she closed her eyes and tried to make sense out overwhelming, chaotic thoughts. "We didn't forget, we just never fully understood."

There was also something very implied behind Zell's words although she lacked the momentary strength to admit and suddenly Squall's, _"Words just words"_ echoed tauntingly in her head.

Squall knew that there was sadness and self-doubt growing inside her. He couldn't help but turn the blame solely back onto him. Her greatest fear was having the world turn against her, just as he did three years ago, and now she'd have to face the hushed murmurs and stolen glances all over again. The last thing either of them ever did was forget; he just had no idea that somehow it would be an issue at hand.

It was moments like that this that Squall knew how much words really could hurt, especially when bitterly spoken by her knight. He only hoped that in time, he could use those same words to heal. Betrayals weren't always physical; emotional betrayals could scar just as deeply as anything defined by actions of the flesh.

"Rin, it doesn't matter what the hell anybody else thinks. I doubt any of the locals will give a damn…I just wanted you to be prepared that they'll be others here, including SeeDs. You need to know that the fact you're a sorceress plays nothing into this. I know that. You know that and anybody who has ever gotten close to you knows that. You're here to stop this guy, keep focused." He paused, thinking about himself over the last night; it was time to heed his own advice.

"…I think that's something we both need to take to heart. Remember what he did and let _that_ drive you - not anything you may hear. Conner Blalock deserves peace as well as everyone else this man has hurt."

She cast her eyes downward as she slowly tried to absorb everything. It didn't matter what other SeeDs may say. This wasn't their business; she wasn't their business. This was about a man capable enough of hurting, no butchering, another person beyond limitations that defied all sanity.

"Maybe Zone was right…this guy doesn't deserve a chance."

"Well, if SeeDs get to him first, he won't."

Zell didn't think much about his comment; it was rather assumed in his mind and, truthfully, he didn't think about how callous it sounded to an outsider.

Rinoa interpreted the comment with much skepticism, she had to have misunderstood. "What? You're not serious right?" She followed the statement with a nervous laugh. It was one thing for her to say it casually. It was another to accept it as fate. "You're not suggesting that I'm helping find a guy just so you can…?"

She looked to Squall as her eyes pleaded for him to refute the statement as the realty fully sank in. "They won't, will they? I mean there's s process right? People, families, need answers…they need that closure. _I_ sure as hell would have… Squall, tell me I'm wrong."

There were certain aspects about his job that Squall had accepted as a given, whether they were against the norm of society or not. There were certain facets that were implied when one was within culture of Garden. There were not bound by a governing body and, besides themselves, hired mercenaries often had their own code of conduct –a lot of those never written on paper. Garden may give answers to organizations such as the World Council, but nobody ever had to say those answers were fact.

"Officially, there's one set of standards, but…" The commander turned away from her, subconsciously retracting his arm from her waist. He found that this was one of the times he couldn't look at her because, maybe then, she would see him for everything he truly was. He knew exactly what kind of monster he was… he knew what all of them were trained to do under the circumstance.

It was with that, he regrettably admitted, "Unofficially… there's a damn good chance it's over the moment anyone from Garden sees him. One way or another, they'll find a way to make it appear justifiable."

Shaking her head, she backed away. He still hadn't looked at her, but she was sure as hell looking at him. "No, you're not saying your orders are to-"

"They aren't. Again, it isn't written on paper, it's what's read between the lines." Squall found himself looking at his hands. If only she knew exactly what they had been trained to do, without thought and sometimes without cause. She had only seen a portion of their lives. The one in which the enemy was obvious; the one where good and evil had defined lines.

Zell knew what the commander was thinking. They both knew what was going to happen and both understood the 'why.' It was one of the reasons so many students kept their relationships confined to others at Garden. He also knew that, under the circumstances, Squall may not be in the best mindset to explain.

"Rin, as far as any SeeD knows - this guy killed Squall. You have to remember each person at Garden has spent most of their lives training and fighting beside one another. We've also spent just as much time mourning losses that the rest of the world doesn't give a damn about. When we die to them, we're a just a paycheck and nothing more than statistics. But to us…we're a family, even if it may be a family that's screwed up beyond belief. Whether they liked Squall on a personal level or not doesn't matter…it's kinda a loyalty paid back in blood."

"Can't Cid say something?" Her voice was desperate, she practically was begging for them to do something, but deep inside, she already knew she may be asking the impossible.

Zell empathized, but there was nothing any of them could do in that respect. "Honestly, any order stating 'not to shoot on sight' would be taken as just the opposite. Again, Rinoa, it's something that only SeeDs would understand."

"What if it isn't SeeD? I mean, what if it's someone else that finds him?"

"Um, his chances of being _capable _to answer questions improve greatly," Zell stated truthfully. He also knew that all three of them were on the same page. They all wanted answers and were all victims whether first or second hand.

Squall felt as if telling her the truth had been saying too much. If he couldn't even look at her, what did that say? Who was the person she believed him to be?

"So does everybody know about these kill-orders but me?" Rinoa couldn't help but feel defeated in accepting the truth that sometimes, she did forget how different their life experiences had been.

To her, her friends were just that - _her friends._

Irvine and Selphie were a couple that could argue about the most random of things - from Irvine's rampant flirting to Selphie's obsession with throwing parties. To her, Zell would always remain that guy with a positive outlook no matter what life threw at him, the one who had managed to overcome an unexplainable addiction to hotdogs; he was the same friend who valued relationships, his family's heritage, and loyalty above all else. Quistis would always be the outwardly strong, level-headed person who everyone turned to … But also the person who only allowed a selected few to know the real her - the one often trying to mask her own insecurities.

They, as a group, were all strong individuals, but not without vulnerability. They were human, but also were forced into the roles of world saviors because society labeled them with that title.

Rinoa could often forget all they had been taught, how the ideals of Garden would always be embedded in their minds. For her own sake, Rinoa often ignored exactly what Garden stood for as it wasn't like 'summer camp' - a comparison she had written in jest once on Garden Square because of Selphie's urging.

SeeD's true mission statement was impossible to accept back then and still difficult to understand in the present. There was a bond that each and every student shared that she would never comprehend.

And in all honesty, she would never want to.

It was in her silence that Squall finally turned around, only to see her haplessly staring at the floor. He knew that she probably wanted to look anywhere - anywhere but at them. Still, he wasn't going to sit on the sidelines any longer. It would be a cowardice move and in the end, he wasn't going to let Garden's ethos become her undoing.

"Look at me."

Squall was polite, yet firm and she followed the request. Without question or hesitation, she met his gaze and stared directly into his eyes.

"Rinoa, there's a part of you that has always been optimistic about everything and about everyone. It's a gift that I haven't seen often in my life. Believe me, it's a rare and beautiful in my line of work. Without people like you, people like us might lose sight of what we're fighting for – why we're fighting in the first place."

"…You won't, will you?"

He understood her question and it was one that he could most definitely answer. "No. Not a chance, unless it becomes the only option. Hell, I'd personally like to know exactly why he chose me. I have questions of my own. It may be hard to hear the answers, but I think it would be harder never to know."

As an afterthought, he softly confessed, "Yet in some twisted way, I owe him… suppose I doubt anyone could ever understand that but… Rinoa, he saved me before it was too late. So maybe in some way, I can repay the favor."

She relied on pure instinct as she threw her arms around him, whispering her gratitude.

"Thank you."

And he, in return, followed her lead on this again without question or hesitation.

Years ago, Squall had told Bahamut it was 'just his nature to fight' but the fact was - that like with any given landscape, _nature _can change; it can evolve under the right circumstances.

Then again, he was still fighting – it was just wasn't in gunblades and spells but with mind and conscience.

Gathering herself, she pulled away, knowing she had found purpose as she knew exactly what was at stake. She honestly knew, more now than ever, it was important that they were the ones to find the assailant. She would put judgment of his actions out of her mind; it was never the place of any given authority to decide fate. Instead, the focus should be placed on the needs of the families affected by the atrocities. They may never understand the mind of a killer, but they at least deserved that chance at closure – that opportunity for justice and answers.

This was no longer about her future with Squall, but the future of all those touched. With newfound purpose, she smiled gently, pulling away from him.

"Okay, one more time. Tell me what you think I should do? I mean, what would you do first?"

He too found it easier to return to a command position, finding himself falling back to all the lessons he was taught when in doubt.

"There is no right or wrong. A lot is going to be based solely on your instinct. The best advice I can give you is ask questions, find out about him as a person…see if anything coincides with what we already know. Just have faith in yourself – it's that faith that has gotten you this far."

She had to hold back a snide laugh. If the group stopped to analyze just how far _common sense_ had taken her in the past - Squall would quickly find a way to re-word his advice. Honestly, if confronting Edea alone, dangling off of the side of Garden, not to mention, almost imploding her and her knight in space was SeeD's version of 'common sense' then Garden was in much greater peril than could be placed into words.

She had trusted in herself back then and look where that lead them. Still, he had accepted her after all that...and if he could still say he had_ faith in her _now, maybe she had done something right. She couldn't explain it, but she needed to believe in it.

"All right," she responded, nervously clasping her fingers together.

"Earpiece set?"

Rinoa nodded her acknowledgment, still unsure of the task at hand. It honestly wasn't that big of a deal, but her mind was making it into something greater. All she needed to do was walk around town and try to ask questions – without looking as if she was asking questions as people may or _may not_ be talking about her. Great. Just great.

It was to her surprise that just as she was about to head out, she was abruptly stopped when a hand reached out, grasping her wrist. It was a moment where time seemed to be at a near standstill as their eyes locked once again; it almost appeared that he seemed nervous rather than confident. Whatever it was, it seemed to be a deviation from what she had come to expect.

"Squall?" she asked as their eyes met in confusion.

As much as he wanted to say something, the words that he had intended to say just didn't come and just as quickly as he had stopped her, the moment had passed by. Instead, he offered a small, reassuring smile before nodding to the doors.

"Good luck."

* * *

For the last a few minutes, Rinoa Heartilly had gone relatively unnoticed as she walked along the path. The people of Fisherman's Horizon weren't big on celebrity and the locals who could identify her basically didn't give a damn. She had managed to make her way to where the body had been discovered; it was a fairly isolated location just off the main piers behind some storage crates. As her eyes scanned the makeshift memorial in the distance, the reality set in, and she rediscovered that first moment of absolute horror. It was the realization that nothing anyone could do would ever take back the pain; the acts had been done and every flower resting on the pavement served as a bitter reminder to everyone around.

She had to momentarily stop and regain her focus. At this point, she felt as if it was her responsibility to look at the scene with objectivity – to see it only one way would serve no one in the end. Squall and Zell's support could only go so far, leaving the rest up to her. Taking a deep breath, she silently pressed forward.

In front of her stood a mass gathering of people, some were residents, others media-related, and unfortunately for her, some were uniformed SeeDs. Rinoa could feel her heartbeat racing throughout her entire body; she could even feel the steady sensation in her throat as she swallowed slowly. Her reaction wasn't completely unjustified as some, if not most, were bound to wonder, but doubted anyone would just walk up confrontationally and question her about her presence. However, that scenario seemed rather a given as her life's unpredictability was off-the-charts over the past week.

Inside, she almost wished that Squall would talk but another part of her wanted to prove just how capable she was. It was enough to know that he and Zell were at the other end of the receiver; she truly appreciated the faith both had placed in her. Unconsciously, she had taken the longer of two paths to avoid them – this fact eventually dawned on her but not until it was too late.

Of course, the sorceress had probably inadvertently drawn more attention to herself in the process of trying to shy away. To a trained eye however, the action of avoiding may be construed as showing some form of guilt or, at the very least, conscious awareness. The problem was that she had faced enough judgment at the funeral and, honestly, she didn't feel the need to relive that experience anytime soon.

Battling her nerves, she still felt a sense of shared mourning with the town. There was an overwhelming desire to offer her respects at the memorial. She didn't know Blalock, but she felt a common denominator with his family. From the file, she knew that he had two daughters, a wife, and that he wasn't just a fisherman, but somebody who was loved.

So with newfound determination and resolve, she only focused on the memorials, refusing to let the stares of others get to her.

To Squall, one of the hardest concepts of being a leader was knowing when to delegate.

It had been a tough lesson, but one that he had eventually come to accept in his own terms. It was difficult, if not impossible, to admit that some things went beyond his control. Over the years, he had learned when to step back so weaknesses weren't used against him. Life had taught that lesson very well. And because of this, he knew that he would become too nervous watching Rinoa and, as much as it pained him to admit, Zell would have been the better candidate.

This was not a life-or-death situation; this was something rather mundane given the grand scheme of things. He would be better talking to her and listening, calming her, if necessary, and then giving her advice. So, he had handed the binoculars over to Zell and harshly instructed him to watch her with his life – strangely that had not been a turn of a phrase on the commander's part.

Of course, this didn't exactly make him stop worrying about her. It certainly wasn't a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' - rather quite the opposite. When Rinoa had maintained radio silence, saying nothing to clue him in on her actions, he finally gave into his protective instincts finally asking, "What's she doing?"

Of course he had tried to play it off as 'no big deal' but both the men knew otherwise.

"Um, right now she just kneeled at the memorial." Zell moved the binoculars over slightly as he noticed the group of SeeDs starting to stir.

"About that flock of SeeDs I mentioned earlier, it seems a few of them are breaking from the herd and a few of them seem to be…watching her?"

"Great, just what we all need, along with your uncanny ability to mix metaphors."

"Just callin' it like I see it, man. Seriously…they really are watching her, like a damn hawk. Yeah, like _that _isn't awkward for her or anything," Zell sarcastically stated before continuing his commentary. "But don't worry, she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Either way, she'll manage just fine."

The commander didn't respond or at least didn't seem to care to – he was too busy thinking about all they were asking of her. Their conversation from earlier seemed to be nagging at him along with everything else that he'd been trying to come to terms with.

"Squall, looks like one of them is defiantly breaking from the pack and really studying Rin. Wait a minute, I think that-"

Zell had made some type of sound that Squall couldn't identify but, whatever it was, seemed to be rooted in surprise. The tone was enough for the commander to look toward the front of the van and break from his otherwise-solemn position. Zell turned around rather sheepishly and placed the binoculars on his lap. Then with a nervous smile, the martial artist made a statement that he never dreamed of in a thousand years.

"…Squall, it's your girlfriend."

The commander was at a loss as the meaning hadn't immediately dawned on him. "Wait, what? Which one?"

The brilliance in that statement was quickly recognized by both parties though neither of them felt like expanding further on it.

"I mean the one that_ isn't_ Rinoa, sorry…" Zell started to apologized but realized it was irrelevant. The entire situation was way beyond anything normal and in this case, semantics were altogether moot. "Yeah…just never mind."

Squall shot towards the front, hoping that Zell had completely lost his ability to differentiate all people wearing SeeD uniforms. The commander roughly grabbed the binoculars and focused in on the person walking towards Rinoa.

All hope of Zell being wrong was immediately shot to hell. "Damn it, yeah, it most certainly is."

It was almost surreal how little emotion past the initial reaction he had felt. It most likely was due to the overwhelming shock factor, which probably had not truly sunken in, but for whatever reason, he remained emotionally calm. Then again, there was certainly enough time for panic to rear its ugly head.

"So yeah, what's Lauren doing here?" Zell questioned – that was when he felt his life would no longer be in danger for pointing out the obvious. It seemed Squall was handling this development better than he would have anticipated.

"Makes sense, being the interim commander. Garden needs to appear more 'hands on' since my death, I'm sure."

Squall always felt himself mentally falter upon hearing statements like that, especially when they came from his own mouth. It felt completely unnatural and hit on another sensitive subject best left to deal with later. He had other things currently to worry about besides his own issues - he would have a lifetime to make sense of those.

His full attention remained on the two women in front of him. Lauren was still watching her as he found himself helplessly watching_ them;_ it was some horrible paradox that refused to break its cycle. Truthfully, he honestly dreaded the moment it did it but, he also knew that it was only a matter of time before this stalemate would be broken.

All his instincts told him to warn her, but he knew that he had to let this one play out on its own. Rinoa's reaction had to be just as convincing and natural as his had been and unfortunately, that meant watching the scene unfold from afar.

Echoing his earlier statement to Rinoa, the only thought running through his mind was, "Good luck."

…They were all going to need it.

 

* * *

** _Chapter Fifty-Three: And the Children Shall Lead_ **

* * *

 

Outwardly, Squall tried to remain the constant professional and to any onlooker, he was reacting as if the situation was no different than any other surveillance mission. Unfortunately, that earlier surreal feeling was rapidly being replaced by something much less pleasant.

He knew Lauren, he knew protocol, and through their shared training, he knew the thought process behind her actions. By all accounts, he was doing the same thing – the only difference was their reason for watching - for one it was suspicion, for the other it was protection. For a SeeD, it was simply observing something that broke from the norm.

…And that's exactly what Rinoa was in the situation, a break from the norm – not only in her presence at a crime scene but now her outward signs of remorse. The act of kneeling and offering her sympathies at the memorial could be taken out of context. Honestly, that was all of them had learned to do - never take something at face value and question everything_._

As for Squall, he understood the motivations behind Rinoa's actions; it was something embedded within her character, not to mention, she had just experienced her own emotional 'loss' a few weeks before. Still, from SeeD's point of view, it would look suspicious. If the situations were reversed, he would also believe the timing of the sorceress was highly suspect.

He also knew the next course of events - Lauren would observe as long as she deemed necessary before finally approaching the subject, most likely to study her reaction. The meeting was going to play out as simply _willing it away_ was an impossibility.

Casting a massive Stop spell wasn't within his power, although entertaining the thought did distract him for a second. There was also that lingering fact that, thanks to Rinoa's microphone, every uncomfortable word would be memorialized electronically. If there was ever a time for 'accidental' equipment malfunction it was now.

Needing a distraction from the inevitable, he found himself looking away. There were other things to investigate, things that were neither Lauren nor Rinoa. For one, Zell's large 'flock of SeeDs' was certainly an interesting development. Sure, he had expected some but not anywhere near the force that they were showing. He doubted that most of them even had a clue where to begin, but in all honesty, they were nothing more than props.

Examining the color-coded insignias of the group, he quickly garnered a better idea of who they were dealing with.

"The SeeDs appear to be a combination of all three Gardens. They're really pulling out all the stops on this one."

"Damn, they got here from Trabia that quick? That's really impressive…yet with all that damned technology, Garden can't manage something more appetizing than freeze-dried avocados in our rations? That fact, it baffles me."

Squall shook his head, although it was true that the food was horrid, it was beside the point.

"No, I doubt they were able to travel that quickly. They were probably already at another Garden for some reason or another. There's also the possibility they could have even been pulled from an assignment. If the powers-that-be want to put on a full show, Xu and Cid should be the next guests at this impromptu family reunion."

"Ah, tragic…and me without Ma's potato salad recipe – it's a crowd pleaser at any gathering."

Although he knew his friend was being sarcastic, the commander wisely decided to remain quiet. Squall paused as he noticed a small detail that had been strangely overlooked by his partner in crime.

"…And apparently you were too busy watching my girlfriend situation that something major seems to have slipped right by Mr. Know-it-all-eagle-eye," Squall said sarcastically as he handed the binoculars back to his friend, "as in _your_ girlfriend."

"This officially fucking sucks." The martial artist shook his head in disgust as he watched Alex standing among the crowd. "How long do they really think we can keep up this charade? It isn't fair to anyone."

"I get it, I honestly do."

In his last words, Squall could hear the edge of defeat in Zell's voice; with the reality sinking in, the martial artist became a stark contrast to the person who easily engaged in joking banter only a few minutes ago. Squall was not exactly the best in offering comfort in the situation, although he felt for his friend. Zell often tried to hide behind an upbeat attitude and humor, but seeing Alex certainly put their reality into perspective.

Squall actually wondered how he would have handled the scene before him if not for Rinoa. Would seeing Lauren be some type of comfort or just a reminder of how little they meant to one another? Maybe seeing her act so professionally would have just solidified everything he had always known to be true. It was that work-orientated drive that, for a lack of a better word, attracted him to her in the first place. But whatever brought to them together was enough to make him open his eyes in time.

For a brief second, he saw himself in her…and that bothered him. Then again, he could see himself in every one of those uniformed mercenaries usually fighting for a cause based on the highest bidder. Sitting here, looking at them everything seemed so clear; maybe it was because this time, he honestly believed in the work he was doing.

Looking back without the binoculars, he could still make Rinoa out in distance. She was still kneeling, although she seemed lost within the sea of people. Lauren hadn't approached her yet, but it was only a matter of time before she would.

It was funny, because no matter the amount of strength and power he possessed, it seemed that Rinoa would find a way to save him yet again, even if that had never been her intent. She was the opposite of everything that he had ever been, but silently, she held the strength of everything he desired to be.

* * *

Rinoa had to pay her respects. After everything that she had endured, every tear, every desperate thought, and every ounce of guilt - she had felt the least she could do was give a moment of her time. When she first knelt down at the flowers, the smell that was most prevalent was that of roses. Truthfully, there were several different varieties, to a point where they started to blend together, but the one her mind most identified with was that of the roses.

And for the first time since she could recall, it didn't make her sick; but the smell offered her hope. It was now that her mind was unlocking all the positive memories from before the train station and every subsequent time after.

She had once read that smell was most tied to memory and that it resided in the oldest part of the brain. On any other day, she may have argued the point, whether she believed it or not was still debatable but, she couldn't deny its unspoken power.

Even in the midst of tragedy, she was determined to find a way to believe in the future. For every end, there was a new beginning; she had found hers, now she wanted to do her part in helping others find theirs.

Her thoughts may have lingered too long as her eyes looked over everything placed in front of her. There had to be at least a hundred handwritten notes tacked up, not to mention several dozen hand-drawn pictures, most likely made by the town's children. On the ground were several stuffed animals, even including a few plush fish, candles, and dozens of flowers. There were some bouquets, but many seemed to be handpicked or single flowers. It wasn't about the expense; it was only about the meaning.

She found herself wiping her eyes at the most telling items at the memorial, items that gave her insight to who this man really was - hundreds upon hundreds of pieces of assorted fishing gear. There were nets strewn all over the place with fishing poles weaving in out of the ropes. What caught her attention the most were the fishing lures; she guessed there had to be near five hundred of them. There was almost a beauty in the rainbow of assorted colors, each one was unique but what drew her eyes the most, were the iridescent ones where the colors changed in the sun.

Never in her life did she think that seeing bait and tackle would make her cry, but every object here told a story. It may have been a story with a tragic end, but by God, she would fight with all her being to write an epilogue. This death was, to the rest of the world, unremarkable. Sitting here she could see the truth; it was the opposite. This place told the tale of a man who was so much more than the sums of the whole. Even if he wasn't well-known or famous, he deserved peace, just as every victim before.

Rinoa had to break herself from her own trance. She had momentarily forgotten about the earpiece and microphone. Honestly, she was glad for that fact. She needed solemn reminders of why she was fighting, although she had enough of them all ready. Gathering her thoughts, she stood but where she was going remained a mystery. Squall was right though, she needed to follow her instinct.

Standing up, she almost thought she had heard someone calling her name. It momentarily caught her off guard, not to mention she felt slightly uneasy about that idea. But as she looked around, she started to believe that maybe it was nothing more than a figment of her imagination. Not to mention, the voice didn't sound familiar at all, so it gave her more reason to doubt. With a last glance, she gathered herself enough to turn around. When she did, she found herself at a complete loss. Her mouth dried and heart raced, this was the last thing she had expected.

"…Lauren?"

As Rinoa spoke, she instinctively took a step back. It wasn't intentional, but most likely was a subconscious move to put some distance between the two. Damn, that woman was sneaky. She had looked once and missed her, then again, Lauren was the last person she was looking for – and she honestly meant 'the last person.'

"Miss Heartilly, I didn't expect to see you here in Fisherman's Horizon." It wasn't accusing, but it was also direct.

"I can honestly say the same." The sorceress barely managed; it was more a triggered response.

Lauren looked at her apprehensively; she couldn't help but to question the timing. When she was secretly whisked away from her duties, she had been under the assumption it was rather hushed at the time.

"There was a murder here yesterday. I'm sure you're aware by now."

"I...um...I heard yes…on the train ride over. You know how things get around."

"Yes, I understand that concept quite well," she said, looking skeptically at Rinoa.

Just from a quick glance, she could tell that Rinoa appeared emotional. She had watched her at the memorial from afar but seeing her close just confirmed her suspicions. This had no doubt had hit very close to home. Still, the timing couldn't have been more perfect and she had to keep that fact in mind.

After a moment of awkward silence, the SeeD let out a deep breath. Sometimes being forward was the best solution, even if it may be perceived as abrupt. Unfortunately, time was a luxury that Lauren had very little of to spare.

"Rinoa, there's a group of SeeDs over there that thinks your presence is rather suspect. Do I? Yes, to a point, but not in the way that they do… Let's just say, if you need closure, this probably isn't the best place to go about it."

This was a difficult situation to say the least and Rinoa couldn't exactly pinpoint her current emotions. She had just been trying to recompose herself after her momentary pause and the last thing she needed was another emotional setback. In her mind, she had to distance herself. Just as before, Rinoa couldn't think of this woman's ties to Squall, needing to solely regard her as someone in authority. Then again, it was one thing over the phone but, in person, she couldn't deny that she felt completely intimidated. Maybe if she equated this meeting along the lines of talking with either Xu or Cid, she just might muddle through. _Might._

For a second, she felt like that anxious teenager from many years ago - the one who would often find herself comparing her skills, or rather lack thereof, to those of Quistis. Yet, in that case, she eventually got to know Quistis as a person, learning that their fears and insecurities weren't all that different on the inside. Getting past her preconceived notions, Rinoa had gained an amazing ally and a lifelong friend. The latter certainly wasn't the goal with Lauren, but since their paths would most likely cross in the future, the best scenario would be if the two could garner a mutual respect for one another.

In some ways, they were also both playing a part in Garden's masterful play – Squall and Zell were already well cast into their roles. But, unlike Lauren and the rest of the world, Rinoa had been extremely lucky to stumble onto a copy of the script. In the end, Lauren was also a victim in some roundabout way. Rinoa had to keep that in mind as she carefully picked her wording.

"Right now, I don't think it's closure I'm looking for. I think it's more like answers."

"Then we have something in common," Lauren replied, slightly surprised by the answer. In what seemed like an afterthought, she asked, "So, did you ever learn more about the tree? I'm sorry again for not being able to offer any more assistance."

"I learned enough," she said softly. "I think that's one of the reasons I needed to get away."

"To Fisherman's Horizon?"

"It just happened to be a stopover…" Rinoa found herself falling back onto the same lie she had told Zone - at least it was one she was getting good at telling. If she said enough, maybe she would come to believe it herself. "I'm actually heading to Esthar…"

"To see Laguna?" That had honestly taken Lauren by surprise, although she had witnessed their friendship firsthand.

Rinoa nodded. "Yeah, I know it probably sounds…well, I don't know. I just needed to get away and well….my own family isn't really an option."

"No, no I get it. Really. I just…I'm sorry, that honestly surprised me."

"It's all right, I've been nothing but surprised lately." Rinoa let out a sarcastic laugh. "Present company included."

"Well, again we have something else in common, I guess. I should let you get going – duty calls anyhow, but you know how that goes. I just wanted to warn you…well, it may be difficult for you here. I know that may come across as rude… but I just felt this obligation to tell you."

"Thank you." Rinoa understood, again it was the words that were not said that told the story. As Lauren turned to head off, Rinoa remembered their conversation from her earlier, about orders that were written between the lines. There was a moment's hesitation on her part, but she wouldn't forgive herself if she didn't bring it up.

"Lauren..."

The sorceress subconsciously paused as her body tensed. She realized that after everything, there was something very unnatural about speaking her name out loud. However, she quickly pushed the jealousy, or whatever the hell the uncomfortable sensation was, out of her mind. This was now about what Rinoa perceived as their mission was, not the one defined by SeeD.

"…I just wanted to say that I was serious about wanting answers. I think that_ everyone_ whose life this man has touched deserves them. I know that sometimes orders and ideals clash… but I can never forgive this person for what they did, but I just - you know."

Rinoa choked out the last words, finding that everything was crashing down. The emotions and the lack of sleep were weighing on her. As much as she hated herself for looking weak in front of this woman, she couldn't help what came naturally.

There was a particularly long pause from Lauren's end. She hadn't said anything, but she did glance back over to the group of SeeDs. To a point, it looked like she was sizing up the situation, looking at it from all angles. It was only after someone from the group yelled her name that she finally offered a response.

"I also want answers and, you know, Blalock's family does too. He had two daughters, but they aren't talking, you know how that goes. Not everybody trusts SeeDs which is understandable in some situations - double that in this town. Even if they know something, it's unlikely they'd tell any of us. When I left their house, they seemed so lost, but you've been in their situation so I'm sure you can relate."

After glancing back to the group, Lauren dismissively added, "I need to get back to get back. I hope the best for you."

"You too. I'll talk to you later."

The sorceress winced, realizing what she had just said. She had implied there _may be_ a later, but her response had been completely instinctual. It was certainly not based on any actual desire to strike up a conversation with Lauren - today, tomorrow, of twenty years from next Friday; the sorceress really wished she could have amended her 'later' to a simple 'thank you.'

As Rinoa continued trying to wrap her mind around her momentary idiocy, her body was quickly getting the hell away. She didn't know where, just away – anywhere but around that group.

Rinoa found herself muttering softly, "I feel ill."

"_Sit. Rest."_

Squall's voice made her visibly jump and she had to hold back a surprised yelp. Of all the times he picked to finally make his presence known, it just _had _to be now.

"_Warnings _would have been very much appreciated," she irritably said under her breath.

"_I couldn't. Your reaction needed to be genuine."_

"Genuine? I'll show you _genuine_," she shot back in anger. There was no way she would let this go easily. It was better to vent her frustration with him rather than an innocent bystander as he kind of deserved it her opinion. "See commander, I'm nice enough to give you a warning that you're _genuinely_ going to pay for that when I get back…and don't even think of asking to share my cheese fries."

She could tell by his voice he was amused, but was trying to maintain his professionalism.

"_I appreciate your warnings, but stop talking to yourself. They already think you're suspicious, don't give them ammunition."_

"Whatever." She grumbled half in mocking, half in irritation.

Once Rinoa had cleared the main gathering of people, she headed to where she knew the Dobe's house would be. Even after all this time, she had to stop and stare at the large reflective panels. The city itself was such a marvel; a testament to will, hope, and self-sufficiency.

Looking out into the metallic wonderland, she couldn't help but think of her friend's impromptu concert almost six years ago. It really wasn't the time to think about the past, but her current surroundings made that almost impossible. Still, she had to keep her mind focused on the present, rather than the hilarious memories of Irvine's attempt at tap-dancing. A few weeks ago, these thoughts would have most likely been bittersweet. Now, there was no longer that distant sense of loss as today it had been replaced with an underlying sense of hope.

Today, six years ago no longer seemed like another lifetime.

At that thought, she found a bench that was relatively hidden away from the world, or at least where the world was currently gathered.

"_You clear to talk?"_

Squall's voice hadn't surprised her this time but, she wasn't about to forgive him that easily. She was still irritated and even if he had been technicall_y _right - there was still a moral point at stake.

"I was kindly instructed _not_ to, if memory serves correct."

"_I see getting my chance at getting any fries is still just as unlikely. I'm sorry it had to go down like that. If it makes any difference at all, you handled yourself very well. Sometimes you don't even seem like the person I knew years ago."_

"Thanks, I guess…. and yes, I'm clear." She paused before adding in aggravation, "It's just, you know….she's her and then you. It's weird. The fact you were watching just makes it-" she stopped when there was no way to completely articulate her feelings. So instead she found herself letting out a low growl.

This time, he couldn't hide the chuckle in his voice._ "And then at other times, you seem like the same exact person. I think deep down, you understand why it had to be done, even if neither of us liked it. It wasn't exactly easy for me to deal with either, all right?"_

She sighed. She had been so caught up in her own annoyance that she hadn't stopped to look at this from his perspective.

"Fine, all right." Begrudgingly, she agreed to let it rest for now and would still get his damn cheese fries. It would take something like a rabies-infected Behemoth to make Zell share, and even then, she had her doubts.

Truthfully, she had never thought about how uncomfortable it must have been for him to watch and to hear. Still, it couldn't be anywhere near as awkward or uncomfortable as her experience, or even Lauren's for that matter. On this particular account, she wouldn't feel that badly for him. She just wanted this over with.

"Besides embarrassing myself in front of your girlfriend, I've accomplished nothing."

"_Rinoa, please,"_ he said softly. She might have meant the 'girlfriend' thing backhanded, but it really bothered him. It was one thing when Zell joked about it, but from her, it hurt although he knew he deserved it on some level.

Before he could even finish, she apologized. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I didn't mean it, not sure why I even said it."

"_It's been an emotional morning, I understand. And me saying I'm sorry for everything is never going to make it up, but I'll damn well try. Let's just get this over with."_

"Agreed… and no more 'sorrys,' okay? That's right up there with 'goodbyes' in my book."

"_Given our unique circumstances that one may be a little more difficult, but I can certainly try… Anyway, did you hear what Lauren said?" _

"Yes, unfortunately, I was there, but I'd give anything for selective amnesia right about now. However, if you're asking about something specific, probably going to have to go with a very large and rather emphatic _no_…you know, given our 'unique' circumstances and all."

"_I didn't catch it at first. My mind was also a little bit elsewhere, but caught it again on playback. And yes, before you comment, we did listen again."_

"Great…I at least thank you for not making me suffer though the repeat performance. Can you please just tell me what I missed the first time?"

"_For some reason, she made a suggestion. Intentional or not, I'm not positive, but I highly doubt it was accidental. Maybe she's giving you the chance to get the answers on your own."_

"What exactly are you talking about? Are you sure you didn't record the morning talk show or something and listen to that? Because I'm fairly sure you've got your conversations completely mixed up."

"_I don't, but again she didn't come right out and say it. At the end she mentioned that Blalock's daughters might know something, but they weren't talking, especially to SeeDs. And then she said-"_

"…That maybe I could relate. Yeah, I kinda remember that part, but why would she help us?"

"_Rinoa, she's not helping 'us,' she's helping you. There's also a chance she knows that none of them can get the information; she knows your history and can possibility relate. Honestly, she may see you as an asset."_

"…And my day just keeps getting better and better."

* * *

There was something achingly familiar about this scenario. That was one point Rinoa could concede to Lauren, that she had lived through such a loss once, albeit at a much younger age. And in knowing their pain, part of her believed that asking them questions would be wrong – a moral line she had not dared crossed before.

Still, she knew this needed to be done, but it would certainly be under her own terms. It was simply sympathy versus empathy and her understanding wasn't false, nor was it just a pretense.

Her heartbeat raced as she neared the Blalock residence. It appeared to be a sort of old business that now served as a makeshift apartment building. It had only taken Squall a few seconds to give her both the address and directions after their conversation. Since then, he had been strangely absent from the headset. His earlier insistence about her following her instincts was most likely to blame and probably didn't want to influence her any further.

Maybe it was good that she didn't have much time to dwell on it; things rarely went well when she overly-thought her plans. Walking up, she noticed several people outside in a large group. Across the way, two teenage girls sat by themselves. She didn't need anyone to verify their identity, she already knew who they were – she had been them once.

As she neared, she didn't bother looking back to the group of people. She already knew the looks she was receiving. Even she knew there was something so inherently wrong about this but she couldn't turn back. Not now. It didn't take long before the girls saw her coming and their expressions relayed the words that they wanted to say, _"Leave us alone. Get the hell away."_

…But they wouldn't say it. Not yet - not until that last ounce of hope had been lost.

At this point, they were most likely still in the state of disbelief. They could hear the facts a thousand times but nobody could prepare them when the reality set in – it hadn't yet.

Rinoa felt for them. When her mother had died, she had wanted to tell everyone to leave her alone, to scream it at the top of her lungs, but that would take too much energy. It didn't matter that she was only five. It was those two repeated words, two words that she had grown to despise – I'm sorry. Anytime anyone tried to talk to her at her mother's funeral, and again at Squall's, those were the first words from their mouth. People were quick to offer a lot of things, but nobody ever offered the truth.

…And when she was younger, that was all she wanted – the truth. Maybe that was one small thing she could give them that any other investigator couldn't. Although her experiences weren't absolute, as nothing was when it came to grief, but she wouldn't lie or offer false promises.

Taking a seat next to the girl who appeared older, Rinoa finally found the courage to speak. At the same time, she also found she couldn't look at them directly and instead focused on the ocean. She felt as if it was a courtesy of sorts, although contradictory to everything she had ever been taught about eye contact, but until she was given an indication that her presence was accepted, she didn't want to make them more uncomfortable.

"It's not going to seem real for awhile," she paused slightly, finding her thoughts were difficult to formulate into words. She was thinking too much again; she needed just to let go. Shaking her head slightly, her eyes continued to focus on the small ocean waves. "People you don't know are going to come up to you and offer their sympathies. You probably won't know half of them, like me. After awhile, it will all sound the same. Sometimes people just don't know how to react. They want to say something, but honestly don't know what to say."

Finally, Rinoa could tell that the girl looked over, although rather hesitantly. It was if she was either trying to digest words or figure out her ulterior motive. "…So, you knew our dad?"

"No, just what I've heard or read about."

She inwardly cringed at a morbid realization; there a small part of that come to know him only from pictures and reports, but that wasn't truly knowing him – that just made him another statistic in their case.

"So, what do you want from us? To ask us more questions? God, we've already said everything we know," said the younger one angrily.

The sorceress had known that feeling too and didn't blame her one bit. Drawing on the past, Rinoa could remember the one thing nobody ever asked. Others could remember Julia Heartilly, but nobody ever asked about her 'mother.' They may have been one in the same, but they were very different people to her.

"I know you don't have to, but I'd like you to tell me about your father. Not anything that I can read from a newspaper or in a report. I'd like to know from both of you something that you'll always remember - like his favorite, food, or movie…or if he liked sports. Anything that's special to you."

"Why?" the younger one questioned with a mixture of irritation and curiosity.

Rinoa offered a reassuring smile. "Because those are the things you need to remember. Those are the important things."

It was the older one who looked down. She even seemed surprised to be answering, but somehow the words just left her mouth. "I really never thought about things like his favorite color, but I'd go with dark green, I guess? I know he wears this really horrid green shirt with a little duck logo on the sleeve - calls it his 'lucky ducky shirt.' Mom hates that stupid thing as she's had to sew it up so many times. Now he only wears it when Esthar plays hockey. It's basically some kind of silly superstition or something that dad and his friends do. And, yeah besides fishing, he really loved hockey… Oh, and pretzels, but he always over-salts them. He's not really into movies or television or anything, besides sports."

"He likes to play hopscotch with us…I suppose I should say liked," the other girl whispered the last part softly, shaking her head. "I remember he would always draw the worst chalk squares ever, but he still loved to play… at least he said he liked to, but maybe that was because we liked to."

"They were bad," the older girl let out a small laugh, looking to her sister, "I mean, _really_ bad. Once he just gave up and drew did circles…but they weren't much better. Drawing anything wasn't his strong point. At all."

"He sounds like a great father. One who loved to spend time with you." Rinoa found herself trying to keep her composure.

"He was… But, if you don't know him why are you here? Why ask about him?" This time when the younger girl spoke, she didn't seem as irritated, rather just emotionally defeated.

But before the sorceress could answer, she was interrupted by the other sister, "Wait, I know you… I mean from the news when I was younger."

"Yeah," Rinoa started looking toward the uncomfortable at the ground, "It feels like a lifetime ago."

"You were married to that SeeD guy…the one who just died, right? I'm sure I saw your picture again recently."

Rinoa flinched at the words, mindful that Squall was very much listening into their conversation. It was an easy assumption, especially given the press after Ultimecia. It would make sense that if a news channel was running a history of his life, pictures of her may resurface.

Remaining focused, she skimmed over certain portions of the comment. "Squall Leonhart, he was actually my boyfriend back then and, yes, he was just-"

She didn't want to lie. Even if it wouldn't matter in the end to these girls, it would matter to her. So she opted for a vague response. "…You're right, he and one of my close friends were shot in Dollet. And just a week ago, I was at his funeral. Even though we weren't together anymore, he was a huge part of my life. Honestly, some feelings never go away. I know you may not want to talk to me and please believe me - nobody is going to force you. But that's why I'm here, to find out why this all happened to Squall and your father and to stop anybody else from suffering."

The two girls looked at one another as if silently having a conversation with only their eyes. Reaching a mutual understanding, the older sibling turned back with a small smile. The gesture was faint, but it appeared to be genuine.

"I'm Kristine and that's my sister Nicole." The second girl offered a small nod in kind.

"Rinoa Heartilly."

"It is the same guy, isn't it?" Nicole said softly, trying to remain poised, "The guy that killed dad and your friend. We asked the police earlier, and then the SeeD, but both of them denied that possibility. In a roundabout way, they said nothing matched, plus my dad wasn't a public official or anything. But honestly, if it was a different person, why would so many people be here? In their own way, they pointed out that our father was nobody… We even heard there were people here from Trabia. So why would they come all this way for _nobody_?"

Kristine agreed with her sister. "Yeah, not to mention they actually asked us if we knew or had met any of the other people who were killed…or if dad knew them. Then in the same breath, they turn around and say it's not related. We're not stupid."

Rinoa sighed, it was the same reason she disliked bureaucracy growing up. It was just ironic she would come to make a career in it. "In some instances, they're just covering all the bases…but in this case you're right. It is related, but 'how it's related' is what everyone is trying to figure out, including me. I'm sure the others asked you the standard questions: did your father have any known enemies, were there any problems at home, did you ever notice suspicious people around?"

"Yep, that about sums it up." Kristine let out a sarcastic laugh. "It's like they are looking for something, like it was his fault or something."

Her sister angrily kicked a pebble that skidded across the street. "It's so stupid. This is why dad moved here anyhow, to get away from this."

"You…didn't always live here?" Rinoa asked curiously.

"Us? Yeah, we've always lived here. It was just dad born in Esthar."

"_That's not what our records indicate. She must be mistaken."_ Since approaching the girls, it had been the first time Squall had talked. Just as before, the sound of his voice startled her to the point of outwardly jumping.

"Are you okay?" the older girl asked, giving her a suspicious look.

Rinoa had promised herself that she was going to be as straightforward as possible. Squall had told her early to rely on instinct, to trust herself. So she would. Of course, this also meant most likely pissing off the commander in the process, but that was hardly anything new.

The girls watched as Rinoa reached up to her ear and pulled out a small transmitter.

"I'm working with some friends, trying to find out who did this. I'm not with the police or SeeD and this isn't a job for me… Believe me, it's become so much more. The reason I jumped was because someone is listening in to us. He said something to me and it caught me off guard."

Stopping, she looked down to the transmitter, might as well go all the way Squall could yell at her later. Then again, after the whole Lauren incident, maybe she would call them even. Shifting to the side so they couldn't see her directly, she removed her microphone. Rinoa pried her fingernails into the back enough to remove the battery. Shoving both the earpiece and the microphone in her pocket, she looked back to the girls.

"It's just us now…I promise."

Again they looked at one another, this time turning and whispering. Finally, Kristine looked up. "We're so tired of this already. Nobody seems to know anything, nobody says what they mean. It just seems that it's never ending…but if you think we can help, go ahead and ask."

Rinoa again nodded; she could relate. Maybe the truth wasn't what they wanted to hear, but she fully understood the desperation of needing it. "Thank you. What the person relayed to me was that we show that your father was always from Fisherman's Horizon. My friend thought you may be mistaken about being him from Esthar."

"We're not mistaken," Nicole said with a hint defensiveness in her tone, "but you're not wrong either."

Her sister started to explain, "Conner Blalock as you know him was always from here, but our father's name wasn't always Blalock. You know things were bad in Esthar after Adel, right? Basically a group of ex-military and engineers left just wanting to find a better life, something more simple. Mayor Dobe led the group that founded this place. It was supposed to be the opposite of everything Esthar stood for."

Nicole shrugged. To them it was common knowledge, but Dobe was big on secrecy of the past. Much like Esthar, there was a certain distrust of outsiders to start. That quickly changed when the town took on its own personality, but their inherent dislike of military and government still remained intact.

"FH was kinda always around, but more just a commune of fisherman with no official name or organization. Mayor Dobe technically did turn it into what you see today. A lot of Estharian citizens wanted to leave that life based life behind, start new."

"They changed their names." Rinoa realized. Twenty odd years ago that wasn't unheard of, especially with the political climate caused by both Adel and Vinzer Deling.

"Yeah, so our dad ended up going with his mother's maiden name."

The irony of this was not lost on Rinoa Heartilly, nor would it be on Squall Leonhart when he found out. Of course, that was assuming he wasn't too busy seething after her little stunt with the microphone.

 

* * *

** _Chapter Fifty-Four: Patterns of Force _ **

* * *

 

Rinoa already felt as if she had intruded enough. At this point, taking up much more of the girls' time seemed in rather poor taste. She truly empathized with the family, knowing the trials they would endure. The last thing she wanted to do was pile more onto an already stressful situation, plus she already had a new lead for the investigation.

She also felt that her presence in Fisherman's Horizon had turned into a race against an invisible opponent - time. Lauren had already mentioned it in passing or in warning, depending on how one chose to interpret the SeeD's words. Honestly, the last thing Rinoa needed was to draw more attention to herself.

It already had been a minor miracle that nobody had stopped her from talking to Blalock's daughters. Even now there were a few local officers, a member or two of the press, and a few uniformed SeeDs within eyeshot. It was only the SeeDs and the reporters that would openly stare her way; the local authorities hadn't offered anything more than a passing glance. This was her chance to bow out gracefully. It seemed the window of opportunity was growing smaller and given her recent history, it would inevitably slam shut.

Rinoa nervously looked around, unsure how much to press her luck. "Can I ask you one more thing and if you feel that it would be better not to answer I'll understand… Is there any way you can give me his other last name?"

Both girls knew this would inevitably be asked, but it seemed as if it had been a mutual decision although not a popular one. Nicole spoke for both of them.

"He really wanted to leave that life behind, but if it really helps… just promise that you'll try to keep it to yourself. Not just for him, but for everyone that left their life in Esthar behind. To have their pasts dragged back up would affect a lot people here in FH."

Again, Rinoa found herself not wanting to deal in absolutes. "I can't give you the guarantee you're looking for, but I can promise my best. It's just me and two others and I see no reason why the information can't be controlled. If it's one thing I've learned, it's not about the steps we used to find this guy – only the end result."

"Trinneer, Conner Trinneer…and can you keep this from our mother? She wasn't part of his life back then, but she knew how badly he wanted to keep the past buried. I kinda feel like we're betraying him for even bringing this up."

Rinoa could feel her throat dry, as she too could understand that feeling. This whole encounter had suddenly and very uncomfortably started to parallel her own life. All the anxiety and fears of her past would never completely fade. This entire situation was becoming uncomfortable, but she simply managed to nod in understanding. Maybe turning off her microphone had been the best decision she had made all day.

Standing up, Rinoa brushed off her legs and looked toward the ocean one last time. The longer she stayed, the more aware of everything she became – the crowd, the pain, the past, and even the doubts she still harbored.

"I know you two didn't have to speak with me, so thank you."

Rinoa sighed looking at the girls the best she could. Even now she was fighting tears – but exactly about what aspect seemed perplexing. She momentarily questioned to herself whether it was entirely her fears or if something had trigged this response. Either way, she wanted nothing more than to get away from everybody.

"I better get going. Plus as you mentioned, I'm not positive how thrilled your mother would be about this…and given the circumstances, it's completely understandable."

Even though she was done, Rinoa felt as if she owed the girls some hope. That was one thing she was rarely offered as a child. Then again, she could have been slightly jaded in her memories.

"Honestly, there's nothing I can say… nothing _anybody _can say that will make these feelings go away. Just know it will get better. It won't be today, tomorrow, or anytime soon, but it will. Think of the hockey, the popcorn, and the hopscotch - those are the only things that are important. Remember him for who he was – try to never forget the little things."

She was going to leave but one more thought hit her. It was probably the most unusual and offbeat question anybody would ask that day but, given the possible relevance, it was at least worth asking. "One last thing, I promise, but um, this morning did anybody bring up a tree or anything tree-related? I know how ridiculous this whole thing sounds… I just didn't see anything of that sort at the memorial, just the flowers. It's just a theory on my part, but better to ask then not, I suppose."

She wondered how idiotic she possibly had sounded to them. Unfortunately, she had heard herself and quite frankly wished she hadn't. It was just that phrasing the question was rather difficult without context.

It was evident with the girls' looks that they must have felt the same way. Also given the period of time, it was most likely too soon. As in Squall's case, it took several days for the 'tree' to show up. But that could have been due to lack of opportunity, as the chance just needed to present itself.

It was Kristine that finally answered, "Well, actually…"

* * *

From Rinoa's perspective, the van-from-hell had never lived up to its name so much. Even walking toward the ominous vehicle, she could feel the once-familiar nerves taking hold. Squall always had this effect on her, quite often after she had managed to get herself into some sort of trouble.

Just like some of her more notable plans of the past, she would ultimately stand behind her decisions. Whether it was taking a microphone off or attempting to put a bracelet on a sorceress, she had always owned up to her ideas, mainly because she also _believed_ in them. It was usually just her attempt at verbalizing her beliefs that led to many of their previous fights.

In the past, it seemed that just about every argument between them contained the phrase, "Rinoa, what were you thinking?" Those were honestly words that she wasn't looking forward to revisiting. Sometimes Squall would follow it up with a comment along the lines of, "Obviously you weren't."

It was then customary for him to give a laundry list of every point she had been incorrect about – or incorrect by his definition. She would then stubbornly argue her point even if her actions were a little risky in hindsight. It was about pride at that point and neither ever wanted to concede defeat.

In that respect, Squall and Rinoa were never exactly on the same page. He believed in planning whereas she relied on impulsiveness. This morning alone had proved those character traits hadn't changed much. However, she did believe he was coming around to her way of thinking in the spontaneity department, but even that had its limits. In this case, she couldn't fault him as he was only doing what was best. The problem was - she also only did what she thought best.

Some cycles were apparently destined to repeat themselves.

As she approached the van, the tinted windows offered little inside into its inhabitants. At least she hadn't return empty handed – figuratively and literally. In her hands, she carried a large bag of peace offerings: four orders of cheese fries, some hopefully valuable information, and an extra large cup of coffee – the last item was ordered out of pure necessity. Mentally, she needed the coffee just as much as she needed the air to breathe. One of these days, she hoped she'd have the resolve to kick the caffeine habit. However, today was not that day nor would it be any day in the near future.

Squall had been completely on point about the timing. Although it was still mid-morning in her book, it was well past lunchtime to most of the town's residents and getting cheese fries before ten was essentially a breeze.

Carefully, she managed to balance her drink and the bag while simultaneously reaching for the door. She thanked years of training to be coordinated enough to get inside without the tragic loss of either caffeine or starch-ridden potatoes, but she certainly wouldn't want to risk it again.

She felt the need to close the door as quickly as possible; if she was going to get a lecture on protocol and procedure, she didn't need the entire population of FH hearing it. She had purposely avoided looking toward the back. Damn nerves.

Finally, she turned around and held up the bag. "Let's start with something positive: I got fries!"

"Yes!" Zell said emphatically, trying to keep his voice down but failing. After communication was lost, the fate of his sliced-bits-of-heaven remained in limbo.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so naming my first born after you, in honor of your awesomeness…well, unless he's a he. Then maybe not so much, but the first girl, she's so named after you and if we don't have kids right away, I'm so getting a dog."

"That's really not necessary. It's just fries - not a kidney," Rinoa mumbled.

Being taken aback by her friend's exuberance was easy, trying to look at Squall proved more difficult. It felt like they were traveling the same road, just different scenery. Since she had entered the van, Zell had obscured him from her line of sight. Sadly, that didn't last much longer as her friend plopped himself down into the passenger's seat. It appeared that the martial artist relied on instinct to stay back, or as 'back' as one could possibly get in the van.

"I'm so sorry, Squall. I know what I did was wrong and went completely against protocol. Please, you have-"

That's all she managed before he cut off. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he interrupted that was surprising but rather the tone of his voice. "Rinoa, you don't have to do that. Your apology isn't necessary."

She had subconsciously been looking at the floor, but with that she looked upward. "Squall, but I..?"

"Yes, you most certainly did." His statement had been very matter-of-factly but his tone lacked any malice. "It wouldn't be fair if I let you go on about procedures when there honestly are no specific protocols in place. Before you left, I gave you reminders that I would never give a SeeD. Why? Because you're not a SeeD and I can't expect you to act like someone you're not."

Rinoa glanced over to Zell who offered an encouraging smile. She mimicked the action before finding the courage to get out of the driver's seat. It seemed that all the worrying she'd done had truly been in vain. Making her way to the back, she sat on the stool beside him.

After she settled, he added, "Not to mention following orders hasn't exactly been my strong suit lately. It would be rather hypocritical of me to lecture you. Was I worried? Hell yes. I may not agree with your choices, but I trust in your judgment."

Squall offered a thinly veiled smile as he tried to go back into 'commander mode.' "Of course if you had been a SeeD this would have ended up much differently. I would have kicked your ass, so consider yourself lucky. Plus you'd be scrubbing the training center floor with a toothbrush."

"Yeah, right…I'm _sooo_ lucky." The sorceress replied overly sarcastic, letting him know that his threat had little merit. "More importantly I'm pretty sure that I could take you under these circumstances. You're still slightly injured and I have the advantage of some 'kick-ass' magic. Also the training center floor is made from dirt – kind of hard to scrub, right?"

"There really is something to be said about SeeDs never questioning authority. I'm missing that beautiful combination of fear and respect about now." The commander paused, steering the conversation into a more serious direction. "Rinoa…about not warning you. I-"

Reaching forward, Rinoa rested her hand gently on his leg. "Okay, now it's my turn to stop you. To quote someone kind of wise, and also rather moody, 'I may not agree with your choice, but I trust your judgment.' No, I didn't like it, but that doesn't mean you were wrong."

He smiled slightly, not wanting to delve any further into the particular topic. "So, I'm taking it from your earlier comment you found something?"

"I think so…at least I'm really hoping. First, there's this." Extending her hand, she offered him a small card. He inwardly read the words printed on it.

"_I knew Conner from years ago. Words cannot describe how sorry I am this happened. I wish you the courage and strength to move forward."_

"It's a card?" Squall questioned. To him it seemed like a typical message that would be written given the circumstances. "Am I missing something?"

"Yes, no… maybe?" she hesitated. Earlier it seemed obvious but maybe she was looking for too deep a meaning in something that wasn't there. "If I said it was accompanied by a small, potted tree would you take the meaning any differently?"

Rereading the words, Squall couldn't decide if this was genuine sympathy or a thinly-veiled apology. If looked at with a newfound perspective, the true meaning could be very ambiguous.

"Uh, what does it say?" Zell asked as he headed toward the back of the van. He had let the last few minutes play out naturally, but now curiosity got the better of him.

Squall started to hand him the card but quickly retreated, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yeah, I almost fell for that one. You're not touching possible evidence when I can visibly see cheese sauce dripping from your fingertips. I'll hold it. You read."

Zell smirked apologetically, he had forgotten about the state of his fingers. The last thing he wanted to do was waste perfectly good cheese residue…and destroying evidence was also not a good thing.

Reading the card he nodded slightly, and was also in agreement. "Ha, yeah I can the double meaning, slick. I'd also like to note that Squall didn't even get a card. Don't you feel the love?"

"True, but Squall's was much bigger." Rinoa stated nonchalantly before realizing who was in her present company. She quickly tried to correct herself before Zell had a chance to comment. "No, no, no… pretend I didn't say that. You both know I was talking about the size of his tree – it was at least four times bigger and was getting a plaque, not a card. So, just go about your normal, daily business."

"Sadly, thinking that way is his normal business," Squall shot back, eyeing the martial artist with much disgust. "But you're right, this could be something. Fisherman's Horizon isn't known for its forests and abundant plant life – trees around here are rather hard to come by. Exactly how big was it again?"

"Fairly large, at least up to my chest." Her eyes immediately darted to Zell, who thankfully had too much food in his mouth to offer a retort.

Squall folded his arms, drumming his fingertips as he mentally walked through the process. "It seems unlikely that it was purchased in FH. Given the time span, he would have had quick access to it. For buying a tree, Esthar or Timber would be the most logical points of origin…unless Blalock was planned – gut instinct tells me that's not the case with this one. It's definitely something we need to check into. It's more than we'd probably have without you."

"Well actually, I do have something else…and hopefully I've saved the best for last." Rinoa couldn't hide the fact she felt slightly proud with her discovery. This wasn't the typical situation that warranted pride, but after years of believing her impulsiveness usually only led to more trouble, it was nice to see the tables turned.

With a small laugh, she continued. "That is if Zell can put down the food long enough to jump on the computer."

"Ye of little faith, I can type and eat with the best of 'em. You'll be amazed at my multitasking abilities, but I'll kinda need to move so I can, you know, actually work at the computer. I'd say go sit on Squall's lap for now, but I'd like to keep my food down."

Exhaling overdramatically, she stood up and offered him the seat. Out of the kindness of her heart, she forwent sitting on Squall's lap and instead stood behind him.

"Is this a safe enough distance between us for your stomach?" she asked mockingly. His only response was a lopsided victory smirk. Shaking her head, she continued. "…_Anyway,_ I want you to run a name through the Estharian data base. That is - if you currently have access to an Estharian data base. Please tell me you, right?"

Squall nodded. "Yes. Laguna all but forced it on us as a sign of good will. It's not complete due to obvious security issues as their government isn't into letting all the skeletons out of the closet, but it's decent…or so I've been told. I try to avoid anything related to it myself."

Rinoa looked down at him, mentally questioning the meaning of his statement. She was still behind him, so he didn't notice her momentary confusion. There had been doubt in her mind - unsure if his avoidance had been because the database was 'a gift' from Laguna or because of his own his history in Esthar. In either case, it was a discussion best left for another time.

"All right, I need you to look up a name for me."

Reaching over Squall's shoulder, she started to point to a notepad sitting in a small bin, but never finished the motion. The commander had been one step ahead, grabbing both the paper and a nearby pen; without any verbal exchange between the two, he passed it to her. She accepted the paper, pausing only momentarily, but deciding it wasn't worth dwelling on. She scribbled a name down, for Zell to use it as spelling reference.

Passing the note to Zell, he gave it a quick once over before shrugging. "Conner Trinneer, huh? Okay, let's see what ol' Esthar has on you."

Rinoa found herself subconsciously placing more weight on Squall, but had been too entranced in the search to notice. "You're looking for someone approximately the same age as the victim," she added.

Never in her life had a search seemed to take damn-near forever. Her hands started to nervously fidget as the waiting progressed. As her impatience grew, her fingers had wandered from simply drumming themselves against Squall's back to wrapping his longer strands of around them. Twisting her own hair had always been something of a nervous habit, but she never recalled actually doing it on someone else.

Zell leaned back, allowing everyone a better view of the computer screen. "Okay…looks like five possible hits in the records – two are younger, um,_ way_ younger. I mean as in one is thirteen and the other is only four months. The third is just under twenty-six. The next two, well one is seems to be still kickin' it in Esthar, looks about thirty-five-ish, and the last one isn't kickin' as much – he's deceased."

"Thirty five? That's seems a little too young. What can you tell me about the deceased one?"

"How 'bout, he's dead?"

"_Thank you,_ Zell." Rinoa's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "What does it specifically say about him - cause of death, date of birth, employment, family, any details that could remotely be useful?"

"Geesh, spend a few days with Squall and you turn-" he trailed off, quietly laughing to himself. "Yeah, never mind. Okay, looks like that Conner Trinneer would have been forty-eight years old, no known family or dependants, served in the Estharian military, and again, as a friendly reminder, is still _dead_. Looks like the death certificate was issued twenty-five years ago and died in battle during the First Sorceress War, or Adel's Reign, or whatever we're currently calling it these days. I'm not up on the PC-ness of it all."

"Following that hunch, see if there's a photo available of him."

"Fine, Rin, but probably still dead."

"Your input has been duly noted."

Watching intently, she was in awe as Zell continued to hit several series of keys easily following the prompts. He zipped the cursor around before she could even read half of the words on the screen. He may not have had any hacking-type skills, but his dexterity was beyond outstanding – not to mention never missing a beat as he continued eating.

It didn't take long before an official-looking military headshot finally flashed on the screen. Even a quarter-decade later, the resemblance was undeniable.

"Hey, isn't that…Conner Blalock?"

"Yeah, Zell, it is…" Rinoa's voice cracked upon seeing the picture. To the others it might have been nothing more than posed photo in front of the Estharian flag; to her, it represented so much more than pixels and a uniform – like hockey, hopscotch, and popcorn.

"Conner Blalock started going by his mother's maiden name - Trinneer," Rinoa whispered softly. "He changed it to get away from his past."

"Understandable." That had been the only word from Squall over the last several minutes.

"Estharian military?" questioned Zell. "Well, I think that opens up a whole new suspect pool. I'd even venture to guess more a suspect ocean given the size of the country and its enemies."

Leaning forward, Squall pointed to the link that would highlight his military service. "Let's step back and pick a logical starting point. Check what information we have access to, see what unit or division he was assigned, and look for anything he may have specialized in."

Then, she understood what Squall was thinking.

"_I knew Conner from years ago…"_ Rinoa repeated, reciting the words on the card verbatim.

"Exactly what I was thinking." Squall mentally had begun putting the pieces together when Rinoa first asked about the search. He also couldn't shake this overwhelming feeling of dread since that first moment, but he forced himself to push that aside.

In his mind, the connection had been a simple deduction. The fact that she was looking up a male with only differing surnames and approximate birth ranges was telling. She had unwittingly given the commander a plausible answer to an earlier question - what was the connection between Conner Blalock and the victims?

The most-likely answer now? Quite probably nothing.

The man who died in Fisherman's Horizon and the politicians had no discernable connection, but the evidence indicated that Conner _Trinneer_ and the killer just might. Hopefully, it would be that common denominator that would lead them to the answer and, with that, their freedom.

Before Zell started playing follow-the-link again, he had another thought. The possible military aspect had begun to push him in a new direction. Actually, it was an event in their past that somewhat illustrated his point, at least slightly.

"You know, this whole military thing has got me thinking. Just hear me out, okay?"

He felt as he needed to add that last part as Squall often had a tendency to dismiss his ideas or grow impatient – or both. That quite possibly steamed from Zell's unique ability to rattle about on about nothing sometimes, or spout useless or superfluous information during others, or again – do both. But it wasn't like he was about to give them a lecture on how Timber's origins led to its name or recite information about the Deep Research Center. Then again, he had already done both.

"Okay, you know how Irvine sometimes likes to go on about his sharp-shooting escapades before he joined our little group? How he loves to tell, in great detail, about his long, sordid tales, accomplishments and how he's still in high-demand in his field…yadda, yadda. Well, you get the gist. Basically, he thinks he has bragging rights because of his 'god-like' skills and all. He has stated over and over that a lot of guys could make good or even great shots, but only he could make_ amazing_ shots. I mean, that's kind of how Irvine ended up with us in the first place – not one of us had the skills. Sure we could all shoot decently because we had basic training and knowledge, but decent in that situation wasn't good enough. Just sayin' in all his bragging, there may be a sliver of truth."

He shrugged and then quickly added, "But don't tell him I ever mentioned this. If you did, he's going to turn this around somehow – that it was only because of_ him_ that we were able to catch the guy. I'm already going to lose to him on that whole wedding bet. None of us need this little thing added to his ego."

Folding his arms, Squall surmised quickly what led Zell to go on his own little tangent. Irvine had nothing on Zell, but nobody dare tell the martial artist this.

"The single bullet in the base of Avery Siddig's neck. One shot, one kill – it's the sniper's motto."

Zell smirked, they were in agreement. "Exactly what I was thinking."

"Does it list any sort of sharpshooter or sniper that worked with or was embedded in Blalock - I mean _Trinneer's,_ unit?"

"Let me check."

As Zell started to delve into his game of information-tag, it was much to everyone's great frustration that a 'restricted' message appeared on the screen. All three of them sat in silence as they stared at the warning. In fact, Squall had to even blink a few times to make sure that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. God, how he wished that they were. It wasn't as if hitting the preverbal brick wall was all that shocking, given they'd be lying if they weren't half-expecting it, but it was in the screen itself that had them in awe.

Zell was the first to speak. "Are you…kidding me?"

"That…has Laguna's fingerprints all over it," Rinoa said to herself in disbelief.

"…Um, technically I'd say more like his _paw prints_." The martial artist really couldn't help himself. It might get him in trouble later, but the short-term was so worth it. Both he and Rinoa couldn't hold it in any longer and started to laugh hysterically.

Squall could no longer keep his silence, but he certainly didn't join in his comrade's laughter. "That…_that_ is on the government's official servers?"

Again, he hoped this was some crazy joke and he was just missing the punch line. Now he knew exactly why he never went into that damned database.

It was black screen with large bolded letters which read: access denied. That in itself was fully understandable, along with the few smaller lines about warnings, supervisors, errors, jail time, and other standard legalese - it was the picture below that which initially left them all stunned. It was a large digital Moomba with his hand held up in front of him, the image appearing almost three-dimensional on the screen. To make matters worse, the orange lion-like creature was wearing an oversized t-shirt that in blinking red letters so eloquently stated '_talk to the paw.' _When the image was left on, the little guy would stomp his foot in disgust and then wag a finger in an accusatory fashion.

"How in the hell does that man manage to take care of himself, let alone an entire country?" Squall couldn't help himself as he placed his hands over his face and bowed his head. The last thing he needed to deal with was his 'father's' distinct ability to bring undue embarrassment into his life.

"The most technological advanced nation should not have cute warnings if someone is trying to hack their damn information." At this point he was no longer upset, just trying to comprehend how random his life had been today – from warnings regarding Lauren to warnings from virtual Moombas.

Rinoa rubbed his shoulders before wrapping her arms around him. "Don't worry, it's actually kind of cute for a warning, I guess? That is if a warning of possible prison time is supposed to cute… Maybe they figure people will be in so much shock that they'll have time to run a trace. Maybe it's an ingenious plan disguised in a blinking t-shirt?"

Uncovering his face, Squall reached up and grabbed one of her hands resting on his shoulder. He interlocked their fingers, desperately counting on her support to get him through the small moments that tried his patience - moments such as this.

He couldn't help as a sigh escaped his lips. "Rinoa, I believe that might have been is line of thinking too, scarily enough."

As he stared at the screen, Zell remembered something else that was equally as odd. "You know, back at the Missile Base, the control panel had a both a dancing Galbadian solder and an Elite soldier. It was so random when Selphie discovered it that we just all kinda stared. Sort of reminiscent of this, except for the fact we were surrounded by hostile enemies and massive explosives. Now we're just in a van of pure evil…it's still a step up I suppose. Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if Laguna designed that too before he moved to Esthar!"

"I'm not even entertaining the idea." Squall hoped that he would take the hint, but just in case it didn't hurt to spell it out. "Okay, seriously, we're putting the Moomba and the dancing soldiers behind us. It's over and done. What we need to do is focus on getting this information."

Rinoa noticed Zell and Squall exchange looks, but it seemed neither of them wanted to share their thoughts.

"Okay, um, guys want to clue me in…?"

Squall's earlier feeling of dread quickly resurfaced and now he knew why. Somehow, everything in his life eventually went full-circle.

Sometimes that was good as it had led him back to Rinoa.

Sometimes that was bad…_this_ decision was most likely destined to be the latter.

 


	19. By Any Other Name, Ties of Blood and Water, and A Matter of Perspective

**   
_Chapter Fifty-Five: By Any Other Name_   
**

Squall found himself holding her hand tighter and for more than one reason. As their fingers intertwined, he honestly started to feel as if she was becoming an extension of himself – hopes, fears, desires, everything of the past and present. It was hard to describe in mere words and so he wouldn't try. That had never particularly been his strong suit anyhow.

Maybe if Squall walked her though their steps of reasoning, she might come to understand. The commander was well-aware of what her hang-up would be, and hoped they could find away to work around it. In this case, getting the information directly and not from secondary sources was the most practical course, although it certainly wasn't going to be popular one.

Zell was politely taking a step back – _a theoretical step back that was _\- and allowed him to be the one to explain. Squall would have to remember to personally thank the martial artist later. It was amazing how he decided on this particular moment to keep his mouth closed. The commander had all but tried to get him to do that for the last two weeks now Zell had miraculously discovered the art of remaining silent.

Squall already felt as if they were walking a fine line with Rinoa's involvement; this would most likely not bode well. He had to explain clearly why this was the most sensible choice.

"Rinoa, we have a few options open to us…and a few that really aren't. First, there's basically hacking into Esthar's files. Since none of us have the skills needed to skirt the security system, theoretically, that option is out. Truthfully, even if one of the three of us had those particular attributes, it's a path that we really shouldn't go down. That's normally a 'last resort' type tactic anyways and since we can obtain the information more ethically, the fallout wouldn't be worth it."

Squall quickly glanced over his shoulder, looking up toward Rinoa. From his angle, he couldn't see her face, only a glimpse of her upper body. It didn't matter though; he didn't need to see her expression to know her question. Sometimes he felt as if he could wordlessly follow her chain of logic – sometimes that ability was a gift and sometimes a curse but, right now, it was honestly neither. It just saved her from asking the question, as he had already begun to answer.

"Yes, I'm well aware we download the World Council's files, but that was legally within in our rights. Sure, it might have been frowned on, _very frowned on_, but only because it involves certain individuals. As I stated then, some people don't like having their business rehashed. Just remember the key difference here - you had both legal access and were assigned a password… And I think we both can remember the massive wall-of-security shrouding your amazing choice of passwords."

She started to open her mouth but he put up his free hand. "Sorry, I know that's not the point right now. The point I was trying to make before was that we didn't break through any security systems to obtain the information. Also, for the most part, everything we copied was all public record. It's just the original drafts that were basically classified, but again mainly as references. Not to mention, we weren't looking into any specific person's voting record or history. Right now, we are going to be looking up specific people - that's a whole new game. So basically going around Esthar's system wouldn't reflect well on Garden, and honestly, wouldn't look good on me... I may get irritated, frustrated, and downright annoyed with Laguna, but even there are some things I wouldn't do that may end up hurting him in the long run."

After all that Squall had said, the most poignant thing in Rinoa's mind was the last line. It may have not been much, but for him to say _anything _about Laguna's view of him was huge. Squall may have listed some ethical and political points, but Rinoa had a feeling one of the main points was deeply personal.

The only response she offered was a quick squeeze of his hand. In the past, the gesture had meant many different things, especially when words weren't needed or couldn't suffice. Years later, it seemed to serve an identical purpose.

It seemed that Zell took the commander's pause as his cue to take over the explanations.

"Okay, let me start off with something more positive than my more pessimistic counterpart, like something that we_ can_ do." Much to Rinoa's chagrin, the martial artist took this opportunity to loudly crack his knuckles. It was an old, irritating habit which apparently was alive and well in the van-from-hell.

"One thing we _could_ do is ask someone with pull at Garden for help. Maybe they can convince Esthar to give us the information, if we give them a_ brief_ rundown. Of course, that means bringing another party on board. It's not a bad idea, but then again not particularly a good idea either. I guess there would kinda be a lot of explaining, catching up, and filling in to do, which, from that end, it isn't your normal definition of _brief_. It may take some time to go through the proper channels, but it's doable."

"Um, couldn't the headmaster just ask Laguna? Seems then you wouldn't have to drag anyone else into it," Rinoa said with some hopefulness.

She had sensed there was something coming in the future she wouldn't like. It appeared as if they were giving her a long list of what had already been vetoed and all the while conveniently avoiding something else. It usually didn't end well when they were trying to soften her up like this – case in point: this entire morning.

Asking Cid seemed rather logical. Plus on a personal level, she believed the headmaster had basically tossed the two SeeDs into the ocean and leaving them to fend for themselves; it wouldn't hurt him to throw a life preserver or two their way for once.

Given her question, Squall felt it was best that he again take the lead again. The more he remained in silence, the more time he had to stew on a decision that would inevitably have to be made.

"That's sort of complicated… Yes, in theory, asking him would be the easiest. It's both a very possible and plausible solution. I'm positive Laguna would cooperate, especially if he knew the reason behind the request. Not dwelling on the negative, but the two have different views on some issues. I'm mean, they've been civil, but it's been building even more so in recent years. I've tried to stay out of it."

She found herself stifling a sarcastic laugh. It wasn't funny in the least, but she guessed that it was the case of two 'fathers' believing they knew what was best for their son – and of course, the son wanted to do nothing with either of them.

"Yeah, somehow I can guess the root of a lot of their tension," she mused, "but honestly, that's not _complicated_…that's politics. We both see that sort of thing every day."

"It's their issues and not really for me to say." Squall shrugged. "Although when one of the parties is Laguna, having a rational argument may be a little lopsided."

Sometimes Rinoa could see similarities between Squall and Laguna, their innate stubbornness being one. Her response sounded rather short as the more they seemed to make excuses, the more impatient she became. "Squall, I get it. In all truthfulness, yeah, I can see both men being extremely headstrong and completely, completely stubborn." She placed her free hand on his left shoulder, giving it a deliberate squeeze. "Gee, I wonder who else I know that can be a stubborn pain in my ass?"

"It's not nice to talk about Zell that way. He's right over there," Squall said flatly.

"Oh yeah, that's _exactly _who I'm talking about," she replied sarcastically before continuing. "Look, the main thing here is no matter what their personal differences are, they'll put them aside for a good reason. Knowing Laguna like I do, it's just in the man's nature to do whatever he can. He's always gone above and beyond when I needed it. Okay, sure I'll concede that _might_ have a thing or two to do with our relationship or possibly because he knew my mother. Still, I think he'd do it for anyone. I know he may not be your favorite person in the world, I do… But, trust me, he'll do anything within his power to help us."

Squall was quite aware that he sometimes had to tread lightly when he spoke about Laguna. If Rinoa, Selphie, Ellone, the entire Shumi Tribe, Kiros, Ward, or any of the other members of the 'Pro-Laguna' camp were any indication, the man was nothing short of a demi-god. During the funeral, Squall had promised himself that he would work on making amends with his father but, sometimes, the promise seemed like an uphill battle to keep.

"Rinoa, I realize how you feel about him. I'd never negate that he cares about you but," Squall began, unable to believe the next words from his mouth, "if we take those factors into account – that's what leads to our best option. We need to ask Laguna directly for the computer access, more specifically, _you_ need to ask him directly. Realistically, by the time we get a call into Cid and then factor in several rounds of phone-tag, who knows how long it would honestly take? Given that the headmaster is most likely on his way here to FH, it could be impossible for him to break away for a good amount of time. Having you ask Laguna is quite simply the quickest and the most logical solution."

"Me? Laguna? No, just no…. I couldn't even fathom talking to my coworkers after I found out you were alive and now you're asking me to do this?"

How Squall could ask this of her was beyond all comprehension. She tried to pull away but he had anticipated this reaction, holding her firmly. With their hands still together, he carefully guided her so that she was no longer behind, but standing to his side. He let his guard down when her body seemed to relax, but her move had been deliberate. The moment he eased his grasp was the moment she quickly pulled away.

He had truly underestimated her in this situation. Rinoa wanted to distance herself, although it was near impossible.

"Whatever _this _is, whatever you're trying to make me do Squall, isn't going to work. If I felt that guilty about lying to people who probably never even met you, who probably didn't care, what do expect me to say to your father? After everything he's done for me, I can't knowingly talk to him when he's still hurting from this charade. I get the reasons, but there is only so much I'll be a party to. Hell, I _called_ Lauren for you. I just had to _see_ Lauren face to face because of you… The least you can do is get one of your damned SeeDs to call him. I_ refuse _to be a party to it – not while he's still mourning his son."

Squall closed his eyes. This had been the worst possible scenario in his head. Truthfully, she was right. She had been somehow dragged into this crazy scheme and although she did agree to come along, she certainly hadn't signed up for exploiting her relationship with Laguna.

"Rinoa, you wouldn't be lying to him – you would just let him remain under the assumption he is now."

Even the excuse sounded feeble to Squall's ears; it was highly unlikely that this would go over well with her. Maybe he should have taken a cue from his younger self and opted to just remain silent. The only way he could have possibly made it worse was if he had flippantly answered, 'whatever.'

"_Excuse me? _What in the hell is with you and your damn semantics?" she snapped loudly but quieted herself as her voice echoed through the van. She couldn't believe that all of the things they were fighting about would be this. Tossing her hands up, she continued, unable to contain her anger.

"You think that somehow in this little world of yours that isn't lying? Because, Squall Leonhart, I think you and I are on two totally different planets at this point. It would be one thing if I still thought you were dead, but how do you expect me to answer if Laguna asks _how am I doing_? What am I supposed to say that isn't a lie? Sure, I could say something like, 'I'm doing better than I was at the funeral.' Sure, that statement may be true, but I can't just plan my answers. That's not exactly me, damn you. I suppose you're right honestly right about semantics, because although I may love Squall Leonhart, I'm not really liking the commander of SeeD right now. I'm just not sure which one I'm currently looking at and if-"

Her momentary tirade was cut short when the familiar ring of her mobile phone sounded. It briefly caught her off guard but, given recent events, it was fortunate she wasn't dealing with more calls. She honestly wasn't sure if she was glad for the distraction or not, but given the performance she would most likely have to given, she wished she had turned the damn thing off.

Reaching in her bag, she looked at the phone. There was no great shock on who was on the other end; she had promised Zone daily calls, after all. She just hadn't expected it this soon.

She looked poignantly at Squall, before she spun away and sat in the beanbag. It was damn hard to look aggravated and upset when she couldn't stand completely upright. Instead of offering a warning to the guys, she simply clicked open the phone and began speaking. Her voice had been a stark contrast to her mood; it came off as overly saccharine to Squall, but that was probably her intention.

"Hey, Zone… I'm so sorry it took me so long to find my phone. It's already been one of those days, but_ so_ _glad_ you called."

Squall did his best not to roll his eyes. Every point of his earlier conversation was pretty much being played out. In his opinion, it was ironic how Rinoa seemed to have no issue lying to Zone. Thankfully, she had turned away, because he couldn't help himself from mouthing, _"Semantics, right."_

The commander turned to look as heard something muffled to his side. During the entire exchange between Squall and Rinoa, Zell had stayed on his stool remaining in utter silence. Although Rinoa didn't see Squall mouth the words, the martial artist most certainly did. He was finishing up the rest of his fries with a huge grin. Squall shrugged his shoulders; there wasn't anything else to say – his comment summed up his feelings. So, just to spite his cohort, the commander grabbed one of his last fries, shoving it into his mouth before Zell could protest.

During that time, Rinoa ignored her 'vanmates' and focused on having civilized conversation with her friend. She wouldn't allow her disagreement with Squall get to her.

"I'm actually surprised you called so early, figured you'd check on me tonight sometime."

"_Well, normally I would have but oddly enough, I haven't had any sleep since last night so thought I'd call you before I went home and passed out."_

"What is something wrong?"

"_No, no nothing like that. About ten minutes after your train pulled out of the station, Watts called saying Erica was in labor, no kidding. Fast forward a few hours later and she finally gave birth."_

"Are you serious? I missed it by ten minutes?" The last part wasn't a question as it had been a rhetorical statement. Rinoa couldn't help but feel extremely disappointed. She had wanted to be there, as she had been for the birth of her friend's other two children. Hopefully Watts and Erica would understand. Later, once her life returned to some version of 'normal,' she'd make it up to them some way.

"_It's okay, we all understand. These weeks haven't been easy for any of us. Oh, and before you ask, yes, everything went perfectly great. By now she's pretty much a pro at this but…it still doesn't keep Watts from worrying and driving the entire hospital staff nuts. At one point, Erica made him go down and get some coffee and bagel just for a break. I'm pretty sure the doctor and nurses also chipped in just to get him out of the room for some peace and quiet."_

"Ah, come on, he's not that bad - bad, but not _that_ bad. Well, at least Watts finally has his son. Now maybe we can also get some peace and quiet out of this and stop hearing about being overrun in a house with three females. Are they still going with Carl or did the name change too since I left?"

"_Um, well, that kinda changed too, but by necessity not choice. Apparently, there was a slight mistake reading the ultrasound – let's just say they're going with Carly now."_

Rinoa laughed. "Are you kidding me? Three girls, he now has three girls? Well, scratch that thing about our peace and quiet - he'll now be in a house with four females and we're never going to hear the end of it. Either way, I can't wait to see her. Send them my love."

Rinoa really didn't know what else to say and the conversation came to a screeching halt. There was a long awkward silence before Rinoa continued. "So, anything else new?"

There was hesitation from his end, as if he were contemplating his words. Rinoa had a feeling he wanted to ask her something personal, but was fighting against it and after her own morning, she hoped that he decided against it. On top of everything else, there was no way she could emotionally deal with that today. She cursed herself for not grabbing her coffee before she sat down, she honestly could have used the lift.

"_..There's work,"_ he finally answered. She could easily tell that wasn't the subject he was _thinking _of, only the one that he had decided on...and she couldn't have been anymore thankful for that.

"_So, I just had gotten into my car in the hospital parking lot and then I get a call to drive to work ASAP. So after staying up all night dealing with our high-strung friend, I went in to find that Mayor Dobe had left a message to call him. Trust me, I thought the worse, but turns out the train deal was finalized – Fisherman's Horizon signed off. It's a done deal now, at least on paper. They're going to have the official announcement in a few days – it's Esthar's problem now. On a personal note, I'm still believing this was a conspiracy by Watts to have another child just to get out of dealing with this pain-in-the-ass fiasco."_

"Damn. You know I've been gone what, fourteen hours, give or take? I'm somehow missing everything big in Timber. At least you can sleep easy not having deal with that insanity when you wake up. But you got to tell me, how'd you manage for the Dobes to give in? Please tell me you didn't agree to change the trains to whatever color-coded paint scheme she picked for the day?"

"_Actually how this all came about wasn't the way anybody would have wanted." _His tone had softened and all kidding was left aside._ "I don't know if you've heard but apparently there was murder in FH. The guy who was killed had been friends with the Dobes for a long time. I guess they just realized there were more important things to worry about than the color of the trains, and they're right."_

"Unfortunately, I know about the murder - with my layover in FH, the news is pretty much everywhere." She had paused, wondering how much to say, she had to word this carefully. "Earlier, I somehow found myself walking by the memorial. I had to stop…. it just felt right, you know?"

"_First, we have one guy killing public figures and now another guy killing civilians. I know it shouldn't make a difference, but that last one just makes me sick. How could any sane person kill someone like that? He wasn't like some people who publically put themselves out there and-"_ He stopped abruptly when he realized how this could be interrupted. That was the last thing he wanted_. "Rinoa, I was talking about Vinzer Deling not… I didn't mean anything, I just-"_

"No, it's fine. I get it, you didn't mean Squall. Just please don't say anymore on the subject. That's the last thing I need."

"_I'm so…"_ He stopped himself again. Zone knew that by apologizing, he would just be continuing the subject, which was the thing she wanted least. It suddenly dawned on him that during the course of this conversation, he neglected to ask about her.

"_You know, I'm a damn horrible friend for not asking about you earlier. I've just been up for so long with everything. It's no excuse, I know. But honestly, how are you doing, everything as okay as it can be?"_

Again, she needed to consider her wording; she had to be careful. This time however, she suddenly realized what she was doing. She wouldn't say Squall was right, but he wasn't exactly wrong either.

"Damn him," she grumbled about Squall under her breath.

"_What?"_

"I, uh, wasn't talking to you…I was talking to someone else." Of course Zone had heard her. She had inevitably walked right into this one. Perfect.

"_I know the feeling. You can never pick who sits next to you on the train." _

But luckily, for once, it seemed that fate was on her side as Zone jumped to his own conclusions. She had never said she was on the train, but she had talked about already stopping for her layover. He naturally assumed she had boarded the second train to Esthar.

"Yeah, sometimes you get someone fun, exciting, and interesting and sometimes you get… well, you get the opposite."

Ironically, Zone was thankful the for the change in subject and tone, although he did feel a tad bit sorry for whoever the poor sap stuck next to her would be. She could certainly hold her own if the occasion was to arise. At least he had found a situation that she seemed rather vocal about and thankfully had nothing to do with Squall Leonhart.

"_Don't I know it. One time I woke up with my head on some guy's shoulder…I'm not kidding. But you know what freaked me out the most? He had let me stay there! So yeah, it's kind of roll of the dice who you're sitting next to. The guy next to you can't be that bad, can he?"_

"Oh, the guy next to me," she said in a very deliberately voice as she turned around and looked directly at Squall.

"Well, let's just say the first time I glanced over at him, he was reading Girl Next Door. Who in the hell reads that on public transportation anyway? Or who randomly carries it around with them? Seriously? The only time we did talk he seemed a little standoffish to me. You know, the kind of guy who thinks they know it all, but really doesn't. Plus, he's hogging the arm rest and you know how that sets me off."

"Well, sounds like…fun. Just let him know who's the boss and you'll be fine," he laughed. "I'm sure he has no idea who he's dealing with."

"That is the best thing I've heard all day, thank you." She turned back around, avoiding Squall's eyes. He had seemed rather dumbfounded through their entire exchange, but hearing only half of the conversation can sometimes be misleading. However, he was probably pretty much on point with his assumptions in this case. "I really should get going and you really should get to bed."

A few seconds later and they had ended their conversation with awkward goodbyes, technically hers was 'goodnight' as she still tried her best to avoid any finalities. Leaning back onto the beanbag, Rinoa dreaded whatever came next. Last she remembered, they were in the middle of an argument that she had no desire to finish. She could hear shuffling and movement, but was surprised when she felt someone sit next to her. He had done that before, but that had been under slightly different circumstances.

"Here, I have your coffee and cheese fries – which I believe is the official breakfast of SeeD."

Slowly, she sat up taking a second to get acclimated. This wasn't the fight she was expecting; in fact, there was no battle between them whatsoever. She still looked at him questionably.

"The fries are still pretty warm considering. I do suggest we eat before they cool down anymore. It's just not quite the same…and I had a few sips of your coffee. I promise to get a new cup as soon as possible…but well, given my circumstances, it could be awhile."

She smiled taking her fries and coffee. During the entire process with the computer and then talking to Zone, she had forgotten to take a moment for herself and eat. It had been a small miracle that any food was left and that Zell stopped with his allotted two orders. It also appeared he had now moved into the driver's seat. Again, it was most likely to give them some sense of privacy and for him, some sense of sanity. He was still trying to recover from this morning.

Together, the couple ate without saying anything – both just sat most likely contemplating everything that had transpired over the last hour or so. After a few minutes, Squall was the first one to break the silence.

"_Really,_ Girl Next Door? It couldn't have been Weapon's Monthly?"

"No it couldn't, thank you very much. This is now my story and you're just living in it. _Really,_ couldn't you have even pretended to read the articles?"

"Apparently not, I was being too standoffish to concentrate on little things like words."

Rinoa started to protest but as soon she opened her mouth, he stuffed a fry into it. To make matters worse, he had purposely found the one entirely coated with massive amounts cheese end-to-end. She struggled between the unique combination of chewing and laughing, all the while trying to wipe off drops of cheese from her chin.

Reaching up onto the counter, Squall grabbed a nearby napkin quickly wiping her face. This distraction was exactly was somehow what they both had needed. Her inability to talk back proved to be his perfect opportunity. Now it was time for her to know that two could play her game of irritating encounters with make-believe passengers.

"Did it ever occur to you that I was purposely ignoring woman in the seat next to me? Sure, I may have been reading Girl Next Door, but she…she was obsessively reading the newest issue of Occult Times – which is all fine and good until she went into a tangent, blabbering something about being abducted by the Supreme-Chocobo leader. When she started speaking in Chocobo-tongue, well, I needed to keep looking at my magazine to avoid eye contact. I was momentarily worried she'd try to peck me to death or something."

"What did you expect? You were blatantly hogging the arm rest!" She continued laughing, barely able to keep the coffee from spilling from her cup. There was something so ridiculous about their exchange. He had always had a sense of humor, but now he seemed more willing to open up. There had always been a lack of balance between work and this side him, but now she saw someone who could take a step back and find humor in an otherwise tense situation.

But she really did have to question his earlier statement. "Chocobo-tongues, really?"

"Well, now you're in my story and that's exactly how I'm going to remember it."

It seemed that the phone call had been a blessing although it had been hard to perceive that a few minutes ago. It had allowed them both time to cool down and gain perspective. Sometimes they needed to distance themselves which, given the living conditions, was difficult. She wouldn't say the van had been at fault, not in the least, but she would easily say that three people in a confined space was at least a contributing factor.

"Squall, about earlier – it's just hard for me. Laguna has always been one person I could constantly rely on over the last few years. I wish I could say the same for my own father, but they are two entirely different relationships."

By now, she had finished her fries and settled back into the beanbag. Her fingers wrapped around the coffee cup, its warmth was somehow soothing. She'd take a few sips as she looked up at the interior of the van's roof. It was a sight that she had already grown accustomed to over the course of the investigation. Ironically, she had also begun to equate sitting on the floor with Squall resting on beanbags as something also uniquely calming. Somehow she felt like she could open up being like this – there was no rhyme or reason in her logic. It was simply based on feeling.

"You know Squall, when I first got back into the van, I was afraid - afraid you were going to be so mad at me about the microphone. I thought we'd just end up in another pointless argument and I didn't want to would go down that familiar road again. The strange thing is we did end up in an argument…it was just over something else entirely. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, a step forward or a step back, or a lateral move for us."

Although he was next to her, he hadn't leaned back onto the beanbag. For the time being, his arms rested on knees; he honestly didn't want to get too comfortable. This was just a minor break that was more or less needed. Until they could come to an agreement on how to proceed, the three remained at a momentary standstill.

"I suppose you can say that, we've down _that_ road a time or two," Squall agreed, but only to a point, "but Rinoa, I don't look at this as the same road at. You and I are not the same people as back then and that's actually a good thing. Neither of us expects this to be perfect. We always had our differences – the fact is we can now accept them. We can work with that idea and not against it."

"Different can work though, sometimes it just takes a little adjusting, or in this case, how about a compromise?" She turned to Squall and offered a sincere smile.

…And he couldn't help but smile in return. "Compromising can be good."

"This pains me to admit but, by talking to Zone, I can see why some information needs to be left out. I don't like it, but I get why it needs to be done. So, to make this slightly easier on my conscience, what if instead of involving Laguna at all, I call Kiros? Seems logical that he'd have the same access…and _probably_ a tad bit better understanding of the ins and outs of the logistics… But please don't tell Laguna I said that. It's just computers and Laguna, well…I'll rest my case at the Moomba from earlier today."

"Kiros…that could honestly work," he said in agreement. Things tended to be overly-complicated when the President was involved. Most of the day-to-day operations were handed by either Kiros or Ward anyway. However, what most caught him off guard was the overwhelming sense of relief that they wouldn't be dragging Laguna into this.

"Squall?" she finally questioned. She couldn't decipher the expression on his face; it almost appeared to be that of relief.

He shook his head. "I, um…" When no other words seemed to fit, he surprised her by leaning over and kissing her softly. There was meaning in the action, merely something he wasn't able to express in any other way.

As he slowly pulled away, he looked into her eyes and admitted, "Truthfully, that's a much better plan. Thank you."

She again found herself nervously smiling. She wasn't used to being complimented by him about her plans; again, it was a far cry from their earlier years. Hopefully, now that he seemed to be agreeable to that, he would be more willing to hear her out completely.

"One more thing, I think we should tell him the truth, minus the _you and Zell_ part. He's not going to understand why I'm randomly calling for information about their military, especially because I'm going to be asking about soldiers from before we were even born."

"So you're going to say you're working with Garden? I'm not sure how much he'll believe that."

"That was my first thought too, but _it is_ the truth. I did kind of get involved by chance, well, more or less… If I explain to Kiros that I'm basically um...ah…let's go with an 'unofficial consultant,' it makes more sense. I'm working with a few trusted people and we're operating on our own. It's not like I'm going to try to convince anybody that I'm pro-Garden, because that really would be complicated. But in this case, Garden and I do have the same goal - we all want to stop the killings and find the person responsible for shooting you. Also, I think we all have another goal – to not put Laguna through anymore pain."

Squall nodded in agreement. It went against all his training to share information, but that is what made this plan great – it was the opposite of everything he had been taught to be.

* * *

**   
_Chapter Fifty-Six: Ties of Blood and Water_   
**

* * *

It was supposed to be a simple plan.

All right, maybe not simple, but everything seemed a lot less complicated ten minutes ago. In theory, it _was _supposed to be easy – call Kiros, get access, get on the van's computer, and then look up the information.

…But 'simple' was apparently highly-overrated.

"Are you sure there's no other way?"

Rinoa's voice was barely above a whisper, yet there was an unmistakable undertone of panic. She purposely avoided looking at either of the SeeDs. Instead, her eyes focused on the small paisley-print material of the beanbag. Deeply drawing a breath, she waited for the reply; she was already well-aware they would end up regretting the answer.

"_Miss Heartilly, that's the best I can offer within the timeframe you've indicated. There aren't many other avenues given your particular request. Again, if you prefer, I can send a technician directly to Garden, but there's a decidedly greater risk factor with that option – from both my end and yours. The Estharian government is still very stringent when it comes to sharing information with outsiders."_

There was a noticeable pause before the man continued. _"I'm honestly not comfortable keeping this from Laguna. Are you sure about that?"_

"No, I'm not sure in the least, Kiros, not at all," she said truthfully. "But unfortunately, I really think it has to be this way for his sake. He's been through so much and I just can't… not yet."

"_Understood, that is your call and although I may not agree with it, I will abide by it. So, when can I expect you then?"_

"Well, I can be on the road in a few minutes with my teammates. Only I'll be in direct contact …again, we need to keep Garden's involvement to a bare minimum. Is there a specific place where we should meet?"

"_You stated that you're coming in from FH so you'll be passing by the outer edges of the Great Salt Lake. I've been meeting some engineers out there over the last several days so my trip would fall within the norm. The inlet is developed, but there's a small and rather isolated resort a few kilometers from the main road- head north as it's more towards the Mordred Plains. There's a popular spa get away and it would be possible for me to secure reservations. I'll pull a few strings and send you the confirmation and final directions. It's not the most ideal, but there's privacy compared to meeting within Esthar's city limits. A lot of politicians take short holidays there. The staff at Nortes Villas knows discretion is the better part of valor."_

"Sounds…like a plan. Thanks again for everything."

A moment later, she had hung up her phone. Taking another deep breath, she took a few seconds to regain her composure although she knew it served no real purpose. She was going to need to draw on all her strength for this – _as was he._

"Squall."

It wasn't a question or a statement; it was something she said to keep herself from facing the truth. Maybe it was procrastination, maybe it was just a need to reassure her own insecurities, or maybe it was that last clinging hope that there could be another way, but whatever_ it_ was said it _all._

He simply looked at her. He was not angry, not sad, not anything that she could decipher - he just looked. In his eyes, she saw a raw emptiness, yet it was also that void that said everything words could not.

Rinoa wasn't surprised when he didn't respond. She could only imagine this was his nightmare scenario, a fear that would never be confessed to anyone.

"I'm so sorry."

She had told him 'no more apologies' but that was so much easier said than done. Those were the only words her heart was saying and they had spilled out before she could stop herself.

It was best to move forward – that was a lesson she had learned from the best. There was no time to dwell on the 'what ifs.' They had a mission before them and that was the only needed reality, at least for the time being.

"We need to go directly to Esthar to get access. They can't do it remotely, not without raising too many red-flags from their end. I'm going to meet up with Kiros and he'll have a computer that's on the server that I can use. It's the best either of us could do."

"I know." Squall's tone betrayed even less than his expression.

There were several moments of awkward silence. It seemed like minutes, but in reality, it was only a few seconds. And when neither Zell nor Rinoa knew what to say next, Squall followed the earlier unspoken rule – mission first.

"Someone drive." The commander lacked his usual authoritative voice and once again it seemed to be anything but emotion-filled. It was just…empty.

"Got it." Zell quickly agreed, situating himself in the driver's seat, most likely jumping at the chance to make a quick getaway from the tension.

Rinoa felt like a little child, unsure of what to say or do. She hated, _hated,_ this feeling. In the past, she had tried to get him to open up; however, this mirrored none of those earlier situations. In this case, that was most likely the last thing he needed. But, in the same regard, it wasn't like they could just ignore the truth. It was easy to bark orders and follow the lines of the 'mission' but they all knew it was far more than that. They could only hide behind so much and none of them were that good of actors.

"Do you want me to-" she began softly, taking a small step forward. She never got out the rest of her question.

"No," he stated, just as empty as before, turning away. "It would be best for you to go up front."

Her voice cracked as she tentatively answered, "…Alright."

Again, she was no actress and hiding behind emotions wasn't something that came easily, especially when it hurt like hell. She almost offered him a, _"I'm here if you want to talk," _but decided against it. He knew that she was there and he was damn well aware of how she felt. Saying 'she was there' would just be stating the obvious and, in a way, she didn't want to feel that once-familiar sting of rejection from his response - or lack thereof.

* * *

It hadn't taken long to get out of Fisherman's Horizon. That was after Zell had taken a few final moments to observe his girlfriend through the binoculars. Rinoa later half-heartily joked that if he had stared at Alex much longer, he would cross that imaginary line from 'loving boyfriend' to 'slightly creepy stalker.'

At first there wasn't much talk between Rinoa and Zell. It seemed as if each was trying to internally process the situation for themselves. However, the silence didn't last long. Neither could remember exactly who started talking first, or even what sparked the initial conversation, but within twenty minutes of being on the road, they were openly conversing. To them, there was some comfort in the normalcy.

Over the next several hours, they talked about everything they could think about – well, almost everything. Rinoa had first avoided the subject of Alex, unsure if had wanted to talk about her. She knew it was most likely bothering him since leaving FH and she wanted him to broach it on his own terms. Likewise, Zell hadn't mentioned anything about Squall, although the reasons for that were much more transparent. However, a few hours down the road and they found themselves reaching for subjects. Zell even relayed some recent movie plots to her, one of which he mentioned was his girlfriend's favorite of all time. It was with that, albeit small, opening that Rinoa asked about Alex. They talked about everything from how they met, her family history, and finally how he was thinking of proposing.

Thankfully, Zell seemed more than willing to talk about the subject. Rinoa honestly wondered why she had been worried in the first place. She had missed out on so much over the years; it was nice for her to talk about something that didn't require overly deep-thinking or have double meaning.

Rinoa laughed as Zell explained how their first date ended up including going to a Triple Triad trading-card convention. She laughed even harder as he explained that some of the attendees ended up dressing as their favorite monsters. Thankfully, the martial artist had forgone wearing his makeshift Iron Giant getup on the date. The sorceress was equally surprised when it turned out that Alexandra already owned an Ochu costume. It was apparent that Rinoa had been out of the social-loop at Balamb Garden; she hadn't even known these events existed let alone that her friend attended them in full gear. It seemed as if those two really were made for each other – the Iron Giant and the Ochu.

Shaking her head, Rinoa wanted to ask a question that had plagued her curiosity since the wedding. "So, now that I've been brought up to speed on your rather, um…_creative_ hobbies, want to tell me about how Alex managed the impossible? Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever pictured you giving up your love of all things hot dogs."

"First, gotta say Rin your 'wildest dreams' really need some spicing up. Then again if there's some underlying symbolism there, then I completely get your drift."

"What are you talking about? Wait…if you're meaning hot dogs and you - no never mind. I really, really am going to pretend you never said a thing. Not to mention make a mental note to watch what I say around you. I curse Irvine's obvious influence."

So much for her no 'double meaning' theory, although this wasn't exactly what she was inferring to.

"Hey, it's out there in the universe now. I'm just the one pointing it out. And for the record, it doesn't matter what you say; six or so years around Irvine and I can pretty much turn anything around. It's a gift. It's a curse."

"Help me."

He laughed. "Fine, fine…no seriously, I'll go back and answer your original question. It's actually kind of embarrassing on my part; I mean how oblivious I was. The first half-dozen times we went out I didn't catch on. I mean, it wasn't like Alex just ordered salad or anything really obvious. I guess I had a lot of preset notions on the subject, but I eventually learned. But anyway, this one night I took her to this place that had an all-you-can-eat hot dog bar with the most awesome condiment station ever. I'm talking all your tradition toppings plus things like salsa, corn relish, apples, wasabi, macadamias, banana chips, gravy, sunflower seeds, peaches...well, you get the idea, I could go on, but you're not asking about the restaurant even though I'm so going to take you there when this is over. Trust me, you'll just be speechless - which, by the way, they do have a vegetarian alternative so not all is lost. Oops, kinda got off topic, huh?"

She giggled. "Just slightly, but sounds like a plan. So, you took her to this place and…"

"…And yeah, I couldn't fathom how anyone could pass up such bliss-in-a-buttery-toasted-bun, all she ordered was a baked potato thingy. So, I just finally asked her if she didn't like hot dogs. Of course, by this time I had stuffed my face with four dogs and in the process of lucky number five… Then she just casually stated she didn't eat meat. So mid-chew it dawned on me and I felt like a complete and total idiot."

"She never said anything?"

"No, that was totally the cool part. I mean she didn't like force anything on me or anything. I could still stuff myself with hot dogs if I wanted but, honestly, it eventually became a life choice." He paused momentarily, contemplating his words. "Wow…that sounds strange coming out of my mouth. I feel like I'm channeling some sort of self-help tape. Hopefully you get what I mean."

"No, no, I do. I get it." As she answered, Rinoa noticed a sign on the side of the highway. "Oh, can you pull over at the upcoming rest stop. I really could use a restroom break. I'm not sure how you guys manage to hold it so long. Is it some sort of top-secret prerequisite for being a SeeD?"

"Sorry, that is top-secret military information. However, rule number one would be to avoid excess coffee," Zell replied.

"Don't even joke about that." She paused for a second, sarcastically adding, "Great, now I want coffee._ Thank you_."

"Make you a deal. You run in into the rest stop and I'll make some instant stuff in the back. We have a small thing to heat water. But think you could take the wheel for a bit? I'm kinda getting tired and a quick nap would be awesome. If you don't mind driving the van-from-hell, that is."

"That too sounds like a plan."

It didn't take long before reaching the small turn off. Rinoa ran in quickly, cursing the person who thought that building a bridge over the entire span of the ocean was a good idea. It seemed bizarrely unnatural for any road to be suspending above water for this long. The railroad tracks which paralleled the bridge seemed even more daunting. She guessed that the new system would replace the aging system soon enough.

Feeling much better, she jumped back into the van, taking the driver's seat. Adjusting the settings and mirrors, she quickly pulled out and started back down the road again as Zell was finishing up in the back. When she first sat down, he announced that the water was almost heated. A few minutes later, a coffee cup was handed to her. She had glanced down at it only slightly as she continued to watch the road.

After blowing on it for a second, she managed to take a small sip. "Thanks so much, Zell. You don't know how much I needed this. Have I mentioned again how much I totally love you?" she said jokingly as the caffeinated aroma filled her senses.

"Yes." A voice responded that was most certainly _not _Zell.

It startled her enough to quickly turn in his direction, making her involuntary spill a small amount of coffee on her fingers. "Shit!" She said instinctively as her skin burned. It took all her concentration not to drop the rest of the coffee, which she had been holding over her lap. Thankfully, he grabbed the cup from her before any more could be spilled.

"Watch it. It's hot." Squall said, placing the drink into a holder before heading to the back.

"_Yeah, real smooth, Rinoa,"_ she chided to herself, shaking her sore fingers. At this point, she was thankful that she had managed to both keep control of the van and reflexively dropping the rest of the coffee. A second later, she glanced sideways as Squall reached for her right hand, placing a cool towel on the burns.

She turned trying her best to smile through the pain as he carefully wrapped her hand. "The van-from-hell claims yet another unsuspecting victim."

Glancing into his eyes, she noticed that he seemed better, or rather, it wasn't the empty stare from earlier. He may not have been 'better' by any account of the word, but at least he seemed more himself than a ghost.

He shook his head as he concentrated on her hand. "You can't let it win."

Rinoa wondered what he meant; was he referring to the van or to himself? _This _was the double meaning that often plagued her – the one she was often afraid to question. So she didn't.

"Is it okay if I stay up here for a bit?" Squall softly asked as he moved away from her. "I thought I'd let Zell stretch out in the back."

"Sure, I'd love the company."

Squall thought it best not to respond. He highly doubted that he would be any better company than the martial artist. He had heard those two talking for hours although he only caught bits and pieces. He wasn't in any mood to intrude on their conversation and honestly he had other things occupying his mind. As he sat down, he also wondered if Rinoa would catch on that it is was his idea to switch places with Zell. He could try to convince everyone, and himself, it was so the martial artist really could stretch out, but he could no longer deny the truth.

He just didn't want to be alone anymore.

Squall wouldn't be the best company or the best conversationalist, if he said anything at all, but he just couldn't take that feeling any longer. He had lived with the solitude so long, even when he didn't have to…and this was one of those times where he had an option.

So he chose to be with her.

There were several minutes of uncomfortable silence and Rinoa was actually glad that she was driving. At least this way, she could appear to be concentrating on something other than the obvious awkwardness. There were nothing but the sounds of breathing, the occasional clearing of a throat, and her attempt to drink coffee without sustaining further injury.

Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, she finally glanced toward the radio in desperation. "Um, want to listen to some music…or something. Maybe?"

Her request, or more like 'plea,' sounded rather desperate in her head.

"Doesn't tune anything in."

Okay, now she really was desperate.

"Have any CDs or anything…_hopefully_?" She added the last part under her breath.

"Just some bullshit tapes on communication."

The irony of his statement wasn't lost on her. She tried not to laugh as it didn't feel appropriate given their situation. She was slightly taken aback when he continued speaking.

"Before you ask I'm not playing I spy, twenty questions, or singing a round of anything."

With that mental image she couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, as picturing him doing _any_ of those just seemed wildly entertaining. It also seemed with his last bit of dry humor that the air felt a little less tension-filled, at least in her opinion.

The sun was beginning to set as the latter part of the day had been spent driving. In the far off distance, she could see mountains which could only mean one thing.

"Finally, I see land!"

"Esthar," he stated indifferently.

She winced at the realization. Her momentary excitement was geared toward getting off this godforsaken bridge. "Oh, yeah. I didn't mean-"

"I know," he said again, flatly cutting her off. It had not been his intention to make her to feel bad. "It's now or never, I suppose. Don't have much of a choice at this point."

"Well… not really unless you want me to risk our lives making an impromptu u-turn. Given my driving skills with this van, probably not the best choice."

The commander recalled the horror on Zell's face when he did indeed perform that very stunt. It was an experience better left not relived. Glancing over to her, Squall found himself studying her as she drove; he never again wanted to forget every one of her mannerisms – no matter how minute. He couldn't have done this without her. Well, he physically could have, but mentally, he simply didn't _want_ to. For all their years apart, she still was the only one who made him feel that anything was possible – even when facing the seemingly impossible.

The commander took a glance back to make sure Zell was asleep; the martial artist's deep breathing and agape mouth indicated as much. Squall wanted to offer her what little truth he could.

"It seemed to be one thing when this was just an idea. Now that I'm here, more or less, I realize there's no backing down. The decision was made for me, but I needed that on some level."

He paused surprised with himself how much he wanted to share.

Then, without trying to analyze his own thought process too much, he blurted out, "I really need to do this and probably have for quite some time. Above all else, I'm glad you're with me."

"_Me too,"_ she thought but opted to keep that to herself, but she was glad.

He was right - it needed to be done. It was going to be an ending of sorts, but also a beginning. She knew that whatever happened over the next few days would determine the strength of their relationship. Saying 'I love you' and making promises had been done before, but surviving the past would shape their future.

Turning back, he looked forward and watched in silence. The worn asphalt of the bridge melded into the newly commissioned roads of Esthar. As they passed the threshold defining the continent, he felt his body tense to the point of nauseousness. This moment had been inevitable and, in a way, it always had been.

Since the first time that the van turned down this highway, in the back of his mind, he always knew where this journey would end. The trip to Fisherman Horizon had always been a mere stopover – just as it had been three years prior. Going back for Rinoa had always been a calculated, selfish move on his part. Of course, he wanted her to help with the case and she already proved extremely valuable, but he knew he couldn't face this road alone. Maybe that was why her lie to Zone and Watts of 'going to visit Esthar' never phased him; maybe because he never believed it was a lie.

After they hit land, neither said anything for quite some time; again neither could say how long the silence remained – sometimes minutes felt like hours. Rinoa watched as they neared the outskirts of the lake, keeping an eye out for her turn off. She was surprised how much it had been built up over the years, just like Mandy Beach was near Timber.

Finally, she had to say something. If nothing else but to just hear own voice; the silence was getting to her.

"I can't believe how much this place has grown in a few years."

Squall really hadn't felt like talking, but he also didn't want the numbing silence to return. "After Ultimecia, people needed a place to escape. I think it's natural that resorts areas like this started to develop."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, Esthar was hit hardest by the Lunar Cry. Financially, I think it was about the only country able to handle the reconstruction so easily. I suppose it also had to do with them be a self-sufficient country before the whole mess. They were used to taking care of themselves. I'm just surprised the construction expanded this direction."

Squall shrugged. "The ocean is much different than anything Esthar's citizens were used to. It had been closed off before. To them, it symbolized more than just a shore – it was freedom, endless possibilities, and the realization of the world around them. The ocean is the exact opposite of everything Esthar stood for – both politically and geographically."

"All right, your newfound fascination with the ocean and fishing and such is…_fascinating_. You're really going to owe me one whopping explanation when this is all over."

Squall fidgeted in his seat, weighing his options. He wondered why he had been so hesitant to tell her the truth… to tell anyone. He hadn't told his friends for more than one reason, but mainly because questions would only lead to questions and finally answers – ones he wasn't ready or able to share back then. Maybe now would be the time to wash his conscience of this. This matter somehow seemed so little compared to everything else in his life.

"It's not all that complicated," he began, still wondering if he was making the right choice. It was irrelevant now so he continued. "In times I needed to get away from everything, I started to fish. I have a friend who has a boat. We'd go out…that's about all."

"A friend?" Rinoa questioned, highly suspicious of the phrasing, "Um, that sounds very _odd_, Squall. I mean it's kinda obvious Zell had no clue about your new hobby, given his reaction, and beside a select handful of people at Garden…well, I just don't see you socializing for sport."

She jokingly added, "Your obtuseness makes it sound as if 'friend' is code for sordid love affair you wanted to hide from the world or something."

"_Hardly,"_ he said firmly and with a tinge of disgust. "It's just not something I wanted known."

"Well, from a political angle, unless it's a secret girlfriend, or a criminal, or Seifer, or something I just don't-" She nearly hit the brakes, but luckily managed to keep control. "Oh my God! It is Seifer, isn't it?"

"You just missed your turn. Nortes Villas, right_?_"

"Yeah." Rinoa could barely manage a reply; there was something rather shocking about this latest turn of events. However, the more she thought about it, the more 'shocking' dissolved into general acceptance, and then into gradual understanding. By this point, she had managed to pull over and turn around, heading in the right direction.

"It makes sense in some way…I get it. I suppose? Maybe? This is just…wow."

"Given the history, I didn't how you would react. I knew Garden wouldn't look too kindly on it."

"I don't know how I feel about it," she answered honestly, "but really, it's not how I feel that matters in this situation. I've forgiven him, as much as I can… In all truthfulness, I try not to think about it."

"It wasn't easy to look past in the beginning, but I really wasn't in any position to judge either. I realized there are parallels in our lives that go beyond anything at the orphanage."

Her fingers wrapped around the wheel. To a point, the whole situation was surreal, but that had described her entire life for the last three weeks. "Does he know?"

"Yes and no."

Rinoa looked over to see him resting his head back on the seat. It looked like his eyes were closed. She hoped that he hadn't regretted telling her. It was just something else that would take some time adjusting to; it was just another ocean to cross.

* * *

**   
_Chapter Fifty-Seven: A Matter of Perspective_   
**

* * *

Although the realization was ever-so-gradually sinking in, Rinoa still was on this side of disbelief. Squall had always been so private in his life; she couldn't even begin to fathom the idea of him opening up to Seifer. Moreover, she could never see him volunteering information about the Esthar mission, especially details that could be potentially damning.

And when questioned directly, the commander's even more vague response of 'yes and no' did nothing to appease her curiosity.

Again, history had taught her that there was an extremely fine line in regards to the inner-workings of Squall Leonhart; at this point, she didn't know how much to prod him. Something was eating at her and something told her it was important to learn the truth. If she continued to invest her heart into making this relationship work, she felt entitled to know.

Her thoughts could have been misguided, but a lack of communication always seemed to be their downfall. If their possible future could be at stake, she'd like to be damn-well aware of it. Granted, there were always risks associated with any relationship, and she was certainly far from naïve, but mixing Seifer into the fray went beyond troubling.

In truth, maybe she deserved to know the answer, maybe she didn't. The final decision on that wouldn't be for her to make. Pushing doubts aside, she found a way to ask.

"Can you please clarify your _yes and no_ answer – maybe a little bit? It's just…well, part of me believes that I deserve more than some ambiguous answer. I know you probably don't want to go into detail, I get it. I also know I said that my personal feelings about Seifer don't matter, and I'll stand behind that – they_ don't_. I just feel that what he does or _doesn't_ know…well, it could somehow come back and have an effect on me, an effect on us."

The commander knew that she was right. He knew it. In fact, it bothered him that he had inadvertently piled even more on her. Inwardly, he wondered if this was a subconscious attempt to get more of his skeletons out in the open. He still had the engagement ring that taunted him and he would face it soon, but certainly not here in the midst of the van-from-hell. In his mind, talking about Seifer was still far preferable to talking about that damn albatross.

Right now, she did deserve an explanation in regards to Seifer's knowledge, but that could prove somewhat difficult. The problem being that there was no clear-cut answer or at least not the kind of definite answer she wanted to hear.

"Rinoa, if you're asking me if Seifer knows specific details - then no, he doesn't. Does he have the ability to add pieces together and make a pretty damn educated assumption? Yes, he certainly does."

In that split second, Squall glanced over to her. Ironically, he too was wishing for a clear-cut response by her reaction – and just like her, he got none. Her hands were positioned on the wheel as if she was taking a driving test and her concentration on the road was just as intense.

He shook his head at nothing in particular, just the situations they always seemed to find themselves in. Why couldn't it ever be easy? Then again, maybe neither of them was truly capable of accepting anything that was achieved easily.

"If one takes into account the time-frame surrounding the mission, there are clues if you know how to read them – if you_ choose_ to read them. The cadets' deaths, you leaving abruptly, my disassociation with everything, everyone, for awhile… I mean, think about everything that followed – it all adds up. Seifer had been far enough removed, enough so that he could see the facts for what they were. Everyone else was either too close to me or too invested in that bullshit poster-child Garden wanted me to be."

And to that extent, he would try his best to elaborate further. "Some people only want to see one side to a story or believe the best, while others can see with more objectivity. It's in that same vein you were cast as villain after leaving. Nobody knew the truth. It was easier to blame my actions, my anger, on you. The truth of the matter is that the general population of Garden never wanted to see it any differently. There was already hostility, no matter how unfounded or biased, toward you as an outsider and my girlfriend. However, take those same facts and ask your friends their opinion. I'm sure neither Zone nor Watts place blame with you. Or Laguna, he sees it differently too – there was no animosity at all toward you, just the opposite."

"Zone and Watts are my friends, so I'm sure they feel obligated to see it that way. Laguna is Laguna…but you're right, he never faulted anybody – only supported each of us differently."

He shifted in his seat slightly; still uncomfortable hearing Laguna's name, although he was the one who started that particular topic. It was easier for him to gloss over the subject of his father.

"Rin, it's just that everyone sees what they want to see, connects the lines in the way they want the picture to look. By his nature alone, Seifer's views may be a little more negative than most although, this time, he was right to think that way."

There was something unsettling that she was straining to put her finger on. The feeling was foreign yet familiar. Then again, given that this was a conversation in which Squall was talking more than all of the ones from their previous months combined was a disturbing feeling on its own. Her eyes never left the horizon and her voice took a hauntingly eerie turn.

"Has he known this entire time?"

Within the tone, Squall heeded to the subliminal warning; it was the feeling that he needed to tread lightly. There was something inwardly desperate, almost accusatory, in that single question.

"No, Rinoa, no - not the entire time," he tried to reassure.

Again, he looked over to her, but her focus remained just as steadfast as before. He knew that she was purposely keeping her eyes off of him. Seifer was rarely a subject they talked about when they were together – treated as if nothing but a footnote in both their lives. Maybe he didn't want to know of all the pain his rival caused, maybe she didn't want to remember the treachery. Truthfully, that statement could also be reversed. Seifer seemed to be a subject that stirred up emotions in both of them. She would never forget the moment he betrayed her, treating her as nothing more than a human sacrifice to Adel. He would never forget the years of constant torment, leading to a pinnacle which almost compressed time itself.

Squall would never forget Seifer's betrayal to all he knew, but circumstances eventually taught the commander that forgiveness was possible. It was only fitting the former rivals' greatest bond would be over their failures.

"I first ran into Seifer about two years ago. I'd just finished a meeting in Balamb and after being with World Council members for a few hours, my mood wasn't the greatest. So, figured it would be best not to return to Garden right away. Hell, at that point, I didn't even want to return at all. Thought I'd try one of my oh-so-wonderful therapist's suggestions and take a walk to cool down. Anyway, after who knows how long, I ended up somewhere off of the main docks… I look up and there he was on the deck of a boat. Truthfully, my first instinct was to seriously run up there and well, it wouldn't have been good... It hit me, keeping all this hostility and anger inside led me to this point in my life. I had to let it go."

Rinoa still hadn't replied and he started to feel even more uncomfortable. Too bad he had forgotten about his earlier intuition. In a misguided attempt at lightening the mood, he unfortunately added, "Still want to kick his ass on a daily basis, but yes, he was supportive without ever saying a word. I guess you got to face it, you have a knack for picking unstable gunbladers."

"_Don't_ say that," she angrily snapped.

She couldn't explain why, but that comment was upsetting on so many levels. It was a combination of Squall referring to himself as 'unstable' while also equating her two past relationships on a subconscious level. That was at least how it came across to her, whether that was his meaning or not, she couldn't say.

"That came out wrong," he conceded, realizing how it most likely had been interpreted.

It was meant an off-handed remark about how the two gunbladers' lives paralleled. The hint of dark humor was uncalled for, although the crack about Rinoa and Seifer's past involvement was admittedly over the line.

He continued his apology, again wondering what possessed him to talk this much in the first place. It seemed that after three years of not seeing her, he slowly realized that he wanted to share everything. That was a shock, especially to him. What wasn't a shock was that he sometimes faltered in his attempts.

"Rinoa, I was out of line. It's just that yes, I have some understanding of him, but don't confuse that with sympathy. Look how differently things turned out for the two of us. Seifer and I both ended up betraying everything we ever worked for – hurting others in the process. Garden covers up my fuck-up, while Seifer is labeled a trader and cast as a scapegoat …and yet he still understands."

To some extent, it was difficult hearing Squall defend Seifer. It wasn't necessarily the man's actions that the commander empathized with, but rather the reaction of a place both men had once called home. Still, to her, what Seifer did devastated an entire nation, the entire world, and far beyond that, tried to meld the existence of all time. Even if she could overlook Seifer's actions towards her alone, the rest of his sins spoke volumes. It took all her strength, which was quickly deteriorating, to keep her emotions in check.

"Squall, to play devil's advocate here, I think Seifer's fall was a little more public. I don't think there was much Garden could've done to make it look any other way. Although they have substantial influence, they certainly aren't gods."

"You mean they can't dictate between life and death – they can't control the perception of the public, of the entire world? Oh, wait."

She hadn't missed his sarcasm, it would have been virtually impossible. Squall may have been right; maybe she had been too close to the situation to look at this objectively. Ironically, it was the same point he had made just minutes before. Still, the more she thought about this entire pile of Chocobo crap, the more frustrated and irritated she became at the need in side-stepping it.

Her fingers wrapped tightly around the wheel, inhaling deep, slow breaths in a futile attempt to calm herself. It was in her best interest to concentrate on driving and not comment further. If only he would have followed the same path.

"Rinoa, it's obvious our opinions are going to differ. You and I have both taken two different paths to get this point in life – you can't expect our experiences or opinions to always be the same. For me, I see how easily this could have been manipulated by the headmaster. Seifer could have been a huge asset to Garden and most of his actions explained away if SeeD had wanted. They could have done some media spin and played it off as if he was working as a double agent and that his mission was to obtain inside information from Galbadia. It simply could have been his job to 'appear' to be a knight - feeding Ultimecia's plans to the headmaster all the while. If they had _really_ wanted – Seifer Almasy could have come out of this as a damn hero. Only a few of us would have known the truth and, as you said, Garden has substantial influence... Honestly, there are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings about sorceresses that nobody would truly know what happened."

"…Misconceptions about sorceress?" she said bitterly, "I can't believe you even dared to say those words to me. Don't you think I damn well know that better than anyone? I just - I just can't handle all this, Squall."

…And that was it, the dam was broken and she could no longer hold back. Her body began to tremble. It was late, she was tired, and none of this made a damn lick of sense. None of it.

"Three years, Squall, _three _years! I've been living with the secrets and every regret one could imagine! Then all of a sudden…wham. It's like, one minute you're dead, then you're alive. The next minute you have a girlfriend, but then you really don't. Then I find myself lying to my friends and _your_ family. And now, _now_, I find out you and Seifer are some sort of BFFs and I'm supposed to smile and agree he _could have_ been a hero if Garden had done 'this or that' or whatever the hell ever? Seifer treated me no better than a piece of meat being tossed to a pack of rabid dogs. And just to add insult to injury, my damn fingers are still hurting. Which, yeah I get that it, has nothing to do with nothing and doesn't compare in the least to having your lung ripped into by a bullet, but I'm stressed and it still hurts…"

Catching her breath, Rinoa began an almost maniacal laugh as her own words dawned on her. It was a tirade born out of pressure, tiredness, and desperation. "I mean, I don't think I've ever uttered the phrase _BFFs_ in my life but that's just how upset I am. Why… damn you Squall, why?"

The sorceress felt a sudden chill encompass her body as the truth sank in. She hated herself for feeling this way; she hated breaking down in front of him. She hated the idea of him believing as much – she wasn't weak. She hated herself for being upset that he had finally listened to her advice from years ago. She hated the fact that he had finally opened it up but…

"…It just wasn't to me," she admitted in a whisper.

And therein lay the root of her problem with Seifer, it wasn't the fact that it was _Seifer _at all - it was quite simply the fact the first person he opened up to wasn't _her_. With Squall, it wasn't necessarily about the words, it was about the process.

"Why couldn't it have been me?"

Her question was rhetorical; the reason painfully obvious as the answer had long been discovered. Rinoa already understood why it could have_ never_ been her, especially when she was part of the problem.

"Rinoa, I wish it could have been, but it simply couldn't have been… I can't change what happened in the past one damn bit yet, even though we can't change it, we don't have to let it consume our future. You taught me so much about myself back then. The problem neither of us foresaw was that once you learn about yourself, there would be guarantees you're going to like what you find. I didn't."

She nodded, knowing they had both worn blinders. The world was composed of so much more than either knew and the speaking of promises was easier than the follow through. At a young age, she romanticized life, often seeing and reading into things that were only idealized version of life.

No matter what her personal feelings were, Squall was right - one was made a hero, the other was cast aside. Seifer wasn't worth anymore debate as there truly was no argument. It was just an initial reaction ignited by an already tense situation. This is where she would waive the preverbal white-flag and surrender, at least for now.

She sighed in defeat. "…It's hard to admit, but I'm glad he was there giving you a way to escape Garden for a bit. Please don't ask me to go visit him, because that –_ that_ isn't happening. I'm not ready, maybe in time, maybe never. And yes, before you ask, I'm still willing to go out on the ocean and give your fishing hobby-thing a try even knowing where you picked up the 'habit.' Although, given the source, I guess that habit was about a million times better than what you could have picked up."

There was an unexpected snort emanating from behind them. Apparently, the martial artist was no longer passed-out asleep in the back. Squall turned around, half expecting to hear Zell's oh-so-colorful-opinions in regards to Mr. Almasy. Instead, the commander got nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders and an empathetic look.

"Sorry, sort of woke up to the sounds of Rinoa being, well, not too happy. I wasn't trying to listen, but it was kinda impossible not to."

"It's all right. None of us can expect too much privacy given the circumstance," Squall admitted. "At least you're one less person that I'll have to explain this to. Well, this among other things."

"I get how he would understand some things the rest of us can't and I promise not to harp on it too much," Zell replied with a sly grin. "Seifer is your new BFF after all."

The martial artist quickly raised his hands into a defensive position admitting surrender. "Okay, it's out of my system now."

Rinoa had already regretted her earlier phrasing. It seemed that where lately Zell sometimes channeled Irvine, Rinoa channeled the habits of Selphie. Luckily, for all involved, the subject of Seifer was dropped. Right now, it was time to focus on the mission at hand; it wouldn't be long now before they arrived at the resort.

* * *

Driving a few more minutes down the road, the scenery changed quickly. The trio found themselves in a rather lush area, covered with a fusion of tropical plants, trees, and other foliage not native to the region. It certainly was a stark contrast to the normally-arid landscape that surrounded the majority of the continent. The road dead-ended into a gated area with a small guard building.

Rinoa turned to say something to Squall, but he was already out of sight. His catlike ability to appear and disappear both amazed and frustrated her simultaneously. Grumbling inaudibly under her breath, she looked into the rear-view mirror and glanced at her appearance. She immediately regretted that decision as hours on the road had certainly taken its toll. Pulling up to the booth, Rinoa tried her best to act casual.

"Good evening miss, can I help you?" The security guard kept one eye on her, while the other scanned the vehicle. "Delivery?"

"Huh?" she replied, completely dumfounded. Then the obvious hit her, and she felt like a compete fool – she too would blame this on the hours spent on the road. The van was adorned with a florist's decal. It was a logical assumption for the man to think.

She laughed nervously, trying to cover her oversight. "Oh that! I mean no, no I'm sorry…it's been such a long drive and I really just wasn't thinking. But no, it isn't business-related. I'm Rinoa Heartilly. I believe Kiros Seagill called ahead to make a reservation."

"May I see some identification, please?"

"Oh, sure…no problem. Hang on one sec."

Turning around, she grabbed her purse and pulled out her wallet. She quickly handed her license to the guard, hoping that she hadn't come across as nervous on the outside as she felt inside. Everything she told him had been the truth but, somehow in her mind, the lines between truth and lies seemed to become increasingly blurred.

The guard checked the ID thoroughly, front and back, before handing it back to her. He stepped away, pointing towards the right side of the property.

"Just follow this road in, take the first right, then an immediate right again. Check-in is there. They'll give you directions and keys to your villa. Enjoy your stay."

Rinoa smiled politely as the guard waved her through the gates. After pulling away, she felt a familiar presence behind her seat, although he remained out-of-sight.

"You did fine, don't worry."

"Who said I was worried?" Rinoa asked as she drove cautiously through the complex.

"Nobody had to, I just know you. You're also going to do fine checking in. Just don't overanalyze."

"Easy for you to say. You're hiding in the back of a van while I'm out here looking like an idiot who can't remember that she supposedly delivers flowers for a living."

* * *

Over the next several minutes, things went relatively smoothly. Rinoa checked in without much incident. The staff was extremely kind although her own guilt had her second guessing every comment and look. In the back of her mind, she kept hearing Squall's encouraging words. Luckily, there was very little in the way of paperwork and even more surprising was when the room had already been paid for. She shouldn't have been surprised, but the sentiment was still extremely meaningful to her.

Thankfully, the bungalow was isolated, but then again the entire complex seemed to have its fair share of privacy. The place was amazing. She made a mental note of one day returning, if possible, for an actual vacation. On second thought, she figured one night in a place like this would most likely cost her a week's worth of pay. Still, one day in the spa may be helpful in reducing stress as she had become quite an expert in accumulating it.

The villa itself had a separate bedroom, which Zell and Squall were going to stay hidden in when Kiros showed up but, for now, all three were sitting in the living area – some more patiently than others. Rinoa nervously paced back and forth, waiting for that inevitable knock on the door.

She hated the waiting.

The more she thought about it, the more she began to worry. The more she thought about what she was going to say, the more she found herself needing to explain away things that honestly didn't need explanation. She had to remember to trust in the facts. This was different than talking to the victim's family or even to Lauren - she wasn't lying to Kiros. Not at all. She was just omitting one very prevalent, but _very important_, detail. She had to remember to fall back on the truth this time. It wasn't about making up stories or excuses; it was just about finding the man who shot Squall.

…And therein laid a major point, _'shot' Squall_. She never had to say killed.

Funny, how it always went back to semantics in her life.

The tension was finally broken by a hurried knock at the door. It had been expected so the last thing it should have done was startle her, but she still somehow managed to jump. With the inevitable prospect of facing this particular challenge alone, the waiting seemed more preferable now.

Rinoa took one last glance toward her friends for reassurance, but all she discovered was a closed door. As if to speed her up, another knock urged her forward. She had never thought of Kiros as the impatient type.

"Rinoa…"

She barely heard through the door along with something else indecipherable. The voice had definitely belonged to Kiros. Unfortunately, when she opened the door, the face _did not._

"I…uh…Laguna?" she managed, tripping over her own feet as she took a clumsy step back. Her body felt as it had been hit with a Stop spell as her eyes remained solely transfixed on the man.

"I'm sorry, Miss Heartilly," Kiros began as he scooted the President forward and closed the door behind.

The scene before her was more reminiscent of a father making his son begrudgingly apologize. Rinoa felt as if she was the clueless neighbor whose window had just been broken by a stray baseball and that Laguna was the guilty kid whose errant fastball was at fault. He hadn't even looked her in the eyes yet. She honestly was at a loss. First, at the sheer fact of him being there, and second, at the pain and hurt that were evident in the way he carried himself. It was like nothing she had ever seen from him.

Kiros continued, trying to offer an explanation. "Apparently, our earlier conversation was overheard. I'm sure that it was just a random chance of fate that caused Laguna to be standing directly outside my office. It also was a greater act of serendipity that my door was magically ajar."

From the moment Laguna walked into this room, he wanted nothing to do more than turn back around. What had he done? Unfortunately, over the years, regret had become a great part of who he had become; haste and irrationality were never considered a stranger to him. He would often tend to forget to look before he leaped and just like so often in his past, it seemed to be something that he couldn't overcome.

The moment that Laguna found the courage to look at her was when he was reminded how readily his actions always seemed to hurt the people he cared about most. Rinoa could barely look at him and it appeared as if all the color had drained from her body and she was nothing more than a ghost.

Laguna had never stopped to think about how much seeing him might remind her of Squall, maybe it was a reminder that was too soon. It was along those lines that Laguna interpreted her silence as anger. The President was afraid that he had overstepped his bounds, _which he had_. He wasn't exactly proud of himself, but lately it just took so much effort to get up in the mornings. When he saw an opportunity to find purpose - that small voice in the back of his mind told him to jump in head-first once again.

"Um… this isn't Kiros' fault, please believe that. So, don't blame him…or anything," Laguna uncomfortably apologized.

She believed that, oh so much how she believed it. If history had taught her anything about the President, it was his obstinate demeanor which often paralleled his son's. Not that it was a comparison she could openly make, but it was pretty much fact in her own mind. Not that the two men would agree by any means and would probably go on about how very wrong she was, which, oddly enough, would only further prove her case.

Rinoa's only response was to give Laguna a small, controlled nod and let him continue. If anything else she learned about the Loire and Leonhart bloodline was that if they wanted to say something, it was sometimes best to remain silent and let them have their say.

"See, Rinoa, the truth is… I was sorta on my way to make a tuna-salad sandwich when I overheard an aide say that you were on the line. I was kinda confused when they then said you weren't holding for me, but Kiros. So…I kinda, sorta found myself near his office and well…"

"The door was magically ajar," Kiros sarcastically stated.

"Yes, yes it was," Laguna protested, proceeding to scratch his head.

He really, really couldn't do this; he just needed to keep reminding himself of this small fact. The last thing he needed was to lose this relationship because of his own stubbornness and lying to her would just be setting himself up to do just that.

Laguna nervously started to shuffle his feet, eventually looking up at Rinoa to give her the best, and frankly _only,_ smile he had managed since his son's funeral.

"The door was ajar because I opened it. I needed to hear. It was wrong, I_ know_ it was wrong. It's just that after everything…I was afraid that I was somehow losing you too. I know I haven't called in the last week and that's my fault and I'll take full responsibility. Part of me wanted to, I owed you that much, but part of me still can't face losing him…and in all honesty, I'll never be able to fully face it. None of us will. Rinoa, it's just you're the one part of my life that will always tie me to him in some way. You'll always be a reminder of him. Please believe me, that's a good thing – it reminds me he was happy, at least could be, for awhile. I never knew that person…I'm glad someone got to. Plus, I didn't want to upset you. You have your own life and the fact is that I'm just some small, random part of it. I'm sorry."

In Laguna's mind, Rinoa would always be a link to Squall. She would represent the person who was more than the sum of his parts – commander, SeeD, a lover, a person, and his son who was fated to remain estranged. Squall had loved Rinoa, Laguna never doubted this fact for one second; it just seemed that life was too complicated and storybook endings rarely happened. He was living proof of that on so many accounts. Of course, he had Ellone, Kiros, and Ward, but they represented other aspects of his life.

Ellone carried ties to Squall from the orphanage, but those were their ties, not his. Ellone represented Squall's past, whereas Rinoa represented a future which could have been.

As for the mission, Rinoa would find a way to make him helping work; she certainly couldn't take it from him now.

Because, to her, Laguna represented so much more than either could ever fathom – a parental figure, a friend, a link to her mother, a mentor, an ally, but above all, he was family. The fact that he was Squall's father remained only a portion of who this man was to her; even without the blood-ties, Rinoa would still respect and love him greatly.

If all went well, and she got the proper information, this would be over very soon and then they could all begin to move forward and to try to fix all that had been broken. The sorceress took a few steps forward, wrapping her arms around him. She couldn't put him through anymore unnecessary torture – at least the parts that were still within her control.

"Laguna, you will never be some small or random part of my life. You'll always be family."

"Thank you," he whispered. He could feel his eyes start to water, but he couldn't, he wouldn't cry. Right now he had a purpose – to help find his son's killer.

As they broke apart, Rinoa found herself wiping her own cheeks. "Sorry, long day." She gave a half-hearted smile. "_Very_ long day, _very_ long week."


	20. Sins of the Father, Soldiers of the Empire, and The Die is Cast

_ **Chapter Fifty-Eight: Sins of the Father** _

 

Clearing his throat, Kiros made a valiant attempt to get this meeting headed back the right direction. "Miss Heartilly, I went ahead and brought Laguna up to speed about your request. Again, I apologize if I overstepped my bounds, but it was Laguna. He was curious about why you contacted me in the first place and letting things go easily isn't exactly a known character trait."

"No, no, it's perfectly fine. It was the easiest thing to do." Rinoa dismissively waved her hand with an understanding smile.

In all reality, Laguna knowing that information was the last thing on her mind. Although she couldn't help but notice the subtle humor from Kiros, not exactly a known trait for him either. It only made her wonder how bad the situation truly was for him to resort to that.

The silence didn't last long as it was difficult for Laguna to contain himself. "So you really think this guy's from Esthar? I just hope…" The question softly trailed off as he was unable to ask the rest.

Shaking her head remorsefully, Rinoa understood the question without it ever having to be said aloud; _these_ were the small things that would slowly build up, taking a heavy toll on her conscience. As for Laguna's intended question, it was a natural assumption for him to try and put the blame back on himself. If she had been in President's position, she wouldn't help but wonder the same.

In fact, even as illogical as it seemed, there had always been this small, nagging voice in the back of her head that always wanted to blame herself. It was that same voice that continually whispered questions that, just like Laguna's, couldn't be answered. It was a voice that wondered if she had been there, could she have changed the outcome? Would her sorceress powers have been able to save him? In the end, all those questions became moot although their effects may have always lingered.

Laguna was no different. If anything, he had always blamed himself for far more in his life than he should. True, there were things that he could have handled differently, but that could be said for any of them.

"Laguna, this has nothing to do with you…not a damn thing." Her words would be of little comfort, but she had to try. "Don't you _dare _blame yourself for the actions of one _very_ misguided individual. You're just going to have to believe me... I wish I could explain more, but…. just trust me, please?"

Rinoa wondered how desperate she sounded, offering only feeble excuses. It would be hard to convince anyone to 'trust' without hard facts, let alone the victim's father. Again, if situations were reversed, there would be no way in hell that she'd be convinced by _any _words, no matter how heartfelt they seemed.

To keep herself from completely falling apart, Rinoa knew of at least one thing she could do – tell them briefly of what she did know. Whatever information she offered would likely go beyond the scope of what Garden outsiders to know, but then again, Garden seemed to have little control over their current situation and that was irony she could find sardonic pleasure in.

"You know, I can't offer a lot, but…I can offer _something_. I didn't exactly go into detail over the phone, which I'm kind of assuming you guessed, but you know what? They asked for my help and now I'm asking for yours – so, you should know the basics. Laguna, I just need you to believe me when I say that this wasn't anything personal." She grimaced, realizing how ridiculous that statement sounded. "I mean, personal against _you_, it's like… I know you, and you're still going to blame yourself and then you're going to start overanalyzing everything."

She stopped briefly, recalling Squall's words outside the guardhouse; somehow he always conveyed the message much more coherently than she usually could. "Ironically, someone said something very similar to me tonight, although much more eloquently…but in the end, they were right."

With a small smile which nearly broke her heart, Laguna responded, "I guess that means both you and I are pretty easy to read. Not sure if it's good or bad, but suppose it can't be changed."

Rinoa shrugged, unsure of the answer herself. "I guess we have to think of it this way - somebody knows us well enough and cares enough to try and make us feel better. Whether it works or not, I really don't know either…but, above all else, it just means someone cares."

He gave a nod, leaving that subject all together. Instead, returning to the first thing he never actually asked. "So me being President, or my past in Galbadia, or my days in the military, or anything to do with sealing or unsealing Adel, or that ordeal with Ultimecia, or anything else I've royally screwed up – none of those reasons had anything to do with it?"

It bothered her to hear him list so many things he felt responsible for, yet most of them had been positive or needed changes. Even in the good, he found need to blame himself. It wasn't the time or place to try to show him all the positive things he had managed, but it did go to show how deeply he carried everything inside…like father, like son.

"None of those things are responsible from the looks of it. It _is _politically-motivated to a degree, but more along the lines of individuals who affect the environment, negatively that is… The connection is very understated, but it's there. If you look hard enough, you can begin to connect the dots."

Laguna couldn't say he was convinced, but he desperately needed to believe in her. "Squall though? What did he do? He helped save the world – not destroy it."

"Honestly, we don't know why he was singled out…I wouldn't even try to venture a guess. Nobody knows how this guy's mind works, how his thought process works. Truth is - it could have been one of a million things that would be insignificant to us. Squall's death was…" She hesitated as her mind was inwardly yelling to correct herself, "What I'm saying is… the fact he was targeted in the first place has Garden stumped too. The best anyone can figure is that, in Squall's case, it didn't matter who was responsible – him personally or Garden as a collective. His position as Balamb's commander, not to mention his dealings with Ultimecia, made him the most prominent target, I guess."

"But, Rin, that's what I don't get. I mean even you just said that every other murder was understated in some way. Everyone else's deaths were made to look like some random things, or at least most of them, but there was nothing random or understated about-"

Laguna stopped. He found that his physical fatigue was catching up with his emotional fatigue. "Is it okay if we sit? I just can't…I need to."

Rinoa opened her mouth to say something but, once again, bit back all the things she bound against saying. Instead, she nervously bit her lower lip, nodding in agreement.

At this point, Kiros moved forward, breaking from the backseat role he was fairly used to playing. After he helped his friend to the small couch, he looked back to Rinoa. He could swear he could see her wiping her eyes, but again, chose to remain silent. Instead, he gestured for her to take the space next to Laguna while he sat in another chair.

Rinoa wordlessly followed the directions, waiting for someone, _anyone_, to speak besides her. She knew that she needed to get the classified information, but she didn't want to seem overly anxious, dismissing Laguna in the process. She had inadvertently found herself in the _exact _scenario she had feared. She loved Laguna, but he certainly wasn't making this easier on any of them – Squall included. He might not have said as much, but she could read some of the subtle signs.

Both Laguna and Rinoa visibly flinched as Kiros spoke up. "I believe this computer will suffice. If you just give me a few minutes, I'll get set up and get to the pages you requested." He opened a canvas bag which housed a medium-sized laptop. "

"This is all appreciated. Thank you." Rinoa was grateful for the momentary distraction although even she knew the brief reprieve couldn't last forever.

As the awkward silence continued, Laguna became increasingly frustrated to a point that he couldn't hide his aggravation. Leaning forward, he ran both hands through his hair, eventually resting his elbows on his knees. With his head bowed downward, he was either systematically memorizing the carpet or inwardly berating himself for the situation - smart money was on the latter.

If Laguna's actions had happened differently, this probably would have been the final straw for her; she would have openly pointed out that there was doubt that those two were related. Again, she couldn't help but compare mannerisms, some discreet and some not-so-discreet, shared by both father and son. When she had been apart from Squall, she'd gone out of her way to ignore thoughts like these - it had been easier for her to focus on their differences rather than their similarities. Now, the comparisons were so plainly obvious. It was funny how much perspective played a part in how she viewed the people around her.

Finally, Laguna moved from the position, letting out an exasperated sigh as he leaning back into the couch pillows. "I'm so sorry for all of this. Guess I'm just getting weaker in my old age, more than I care to admit. I should be able to handle-"

"Stop," she interrupted him, although it came off rather curt, "-don't do this to yourself."

The reason for the interruption was twofold. First, she never thought of him as weak (or old) as she had always seen such an inherent strength in him. His strength was much more than physical. In some respects, Laguna Loire was probably one of the strongest men she would ever know in terms of duty, loyalty, and his selfless ability to put others first.

The second reason, and most pertinent to the situation, was the more he'd go on the worse he would feel. She leaned over, placing her head on his shoulder, offering what little support she could.

"Please, there's no reason in this world why you'd owe me an explanation. We'll manage this together."

"Thank you." He, in return, gave her a supportive hug. As they parted, he continued with renewed assurance, "What I was trying to say before was the other shootings seemed so discreet that they were even connected. I mean, nobody pieced it together. They all seemed random at first and in some cases… it was nearly impossible to tie together, but Squall's was so…public. And if it was environmentally-related, Squall's position didn't exactly have him making or passing bills or anything. His duties were more about checking applications, battle planning, and coordinating students. I mean, unless this guy was upset because of the amount of paper he used…I don't get it."

She knew he was right as the changes in the MO were random at best. "You're right, nobody gets it. When Squall was shot…it was also the first time someone else was injured. It seemed so sloppy in that respect, but maybe that was supposed to throw us off even more. The strangest part, that I can't get past, is how he sounded almost sad and remorseful. When he talked to me he still treated Squall as if he was a hero in a way. It's a morbid sense of justice."

Snapping into a sitting position, Laguna looked directly into her eyes. "Wait, what? You talked to him. The guy who killed Squall?"

Rinoa tensed as her hand instinctively covering her mouth; she deeply wished she could take those last few words back. She noticed that even Kiros had stopped typing on his computer with this newfound discovery.

Well, if something was to slip, at least it was this and not the other fact…

"Oh God, I'm an idiot," she mumbled, hand still over her mouth as the other one balled into a fist.

If ever there was a need for a _'rewind the last ten seconds of your life' _spell this would be one of those rare occasions she'd gladly cast it. Instead, she removed her hand, opting to try and remain composed. Of course, this was only for outward appearances. Inside, she was talking herself through the simple steps of breathing, incidentally trying to avoid the acts of hyperventilation or passing out.

She was now going to do her damndest to try and explain – all the while trying to remain conscious.

"I, yeah…I forgot you didn't know that part. Garden was rather sure the guy would turn up at the funeral – you know, that whole 'return to the scene of the crime' theory. So a few teams of SeeDs had the place covered, at least on the inside, but not-so-much the outside where he actually was… So in another turn-of-events, that only I could somehow manage, when I ended up leaving during the service, I ended up asking the guy if I could help him. He was planting a tree in the Quad and I thought it would keep my mind off everything…. But, when we were talking, he mentioned the tree was donated in Squall's memory. It's rather common, so nobody questioned it at the time but then later I checked with Lauren and-"

Laguna's confusion certainly wasn't decreasing. It seemed that with every new discovery, a thousand more questions were forming in his mind. "Wait, Lauren… as in Squall's girlfriend, _that Lauren_? When did you talk to her?"

She winced hearing the words, especially from Laguna. It stung on some level, but that definitely was beside the point. Rinoa realized that she still had a unique way of blurting out things without thinking of possible consequences. Again, it wasn't totally_ bad_ if Laguna knew that she'd spoken with Lauren. Wanting to keep that particular information to herself was probably more personal than professional as it was a concept that she still struggling with at times.

Following Laguna's earlier lead, it was now her turn to stare downward and she found the floor just as fascinating as he had only minutes before. For some reason, she couldn't look at him. Again, these were personal issues she would have to work though.

"I'm _so_ sorry, I'm honestly not really thinking things through tonight," she began nervously, knowing that she would have to choose her words carefully, "I keep forgetting who knows what… half of the time, I can't even remember what I know. It's been a lot to mentally swallow over the last few weeks. Just...can you give me a second?"

Both men were extremely patient, giving her the time she needed. The silence wasn't easy on Laguna; he desperately wanted to interject with those thousand questions still swirling in his head but, out of respect, he managed to show restraint. It was obvious that she felt conflicted. Laguna also knew it was because of his own curious nature that he'd basically invited himself here. His snooping had made it virtually impossible for Kiros to meet discreetly, leaving his friend in a horribly awkward position.

After stopping to gather her thoughts, and remembering how to breathe, Rinoa went on to recap her days since the funeral. She explained the connection to both the politicians and the environment, briefly touching on the events that led to the donated tree.

Laguna and Kiros were horrified that Conner Blalock's stabbing in FH was tied into the other murders, as neither had the slightest inclination. They had learned about the stabbing through normal office channels. Still, among aides and cabinet members, there were usually murmurs of conspiracy theories. It appeared that no one among Esthar's officials had made a connection. It was now apparent that Blalock's murder broke the pattern even more so than Squall's.

Rinoa also mentioned that the SeeDs she was working with were operating outside the scope of Garden. As an example, she told them about downloading the information from the World Council; of course, she couldn't help but imagine half of Garden cursing her existence for sharing this information. There was also a slight satisfaction in picturing Cid's expression if he had the slightest inclination about this conversation. It almost made her want to smile.

"…So, yeah, with Lauren's help, we found out from Blalock's family that he was from Esthar, but fled with the group that founded FH. He changed his name from Trinneer to Blalock…to, well, start over. Now we think there's a personal connection between Blalock and the killer. This led us to investigating the Estharian military and seeing who the sniper was in his unit but, that information is kind of sealed and classified…which leads me to the favor I asked."

"That's…_a lot _to take in," Laguna said slowly, breaking his self-imposed silence.

"_You don't know the half of it," _Rinoa mused inwardly, but opted instead to answer with a more abstract response.

"It takes some time to digest. I still get confused at times."

Kiros remained focused on his work as he hadn't been taken aback like Laguna. "I'll start searching for a 'Conner Trinner' in the computer – First, is Conner 'e-r' or 'o-r' and is it T-r-i-n-n-e-r?"

"No, last name is _e-e-r_, everything else was right," she corrected.

For the President, this information was much more personal. It made sense that he was still trying to deal with everything, including that nagging question, 'what the hell did Squall do to be targeted in the first place?' His silence said everything.

Rinoa did the one thing she truly wished she hadn't, she glanced over to him, noticing as he wiped his eyes with his sleeves. She had done the same earlier, but hoped nobody had seen her, although it was for different reasons. Laguna had been trying to conceal this fact, most likely to be strong for her benefit, but she knew his pain. God did she know…and just like the funeral, she had to step away.

In that moment, she found herself needing to distance herself. Not for long – only for a few moments to recollect her thoughts. It ripped her resolve in half to see him suffer when the truth was so close - closer than he could ever imagine.

"…Going to grab a folder. In case we need it, okay? Won't be long…just a second or something. I'll be back."

Rinoa had somehow managed, although she wasn't sure if there was even an articulate sentence in there. She stood up and started to leave, probably a little quicker than would be considered normal. Laguna had given her a nod and smile in understanding; she had tried to smile back but somehow, her body couldn't translate that message.

* * *

When she first entered the bedroom, she made damn sure that door was closed behind her. She quietly slid the lock as softly as possible as the last thing she needed was an unexpected appearance by Laguna. It was obvious that Squall and Zell weren't there, or at least not sitting out in the open, not that she expected it in the least. It was selfish but, at this point, she just needed assurance from Squall.

Quickly scanning the room, she tried to surmise their most logical hiding place. The closest was the first thing that popped out. It was at least bigger than the one in her place, and less crammed with stuff she couldn't bear to part with. Somehow, she didn't think they'd purposely go for that option again. It was quite evident that Squall had spent enough time in very close proximity to Zell to last this lifetime and into the next. After a slight pause, she headed towards the master bathroom; it had louvered, slotted doors which really didn't do too much for privacy and even less for sound. Earlier when she first checked out the room, she had noticed that the large whirlpool tub, shower, and dual sinks were separate from the actual water closet.

Given that there was a second bathroom out in the main living area, logically nobody would have come back here, besides her. Once there, she tried to open the door but was met with resistance – well, at least they too had the foresight to lock it. She then lightly tapped on the door before whispering to let in.

"Sorry," Squall whispered as took a few steps back, "I've seen the inside of closets enough to last me a lifetime. Thought we'd take the chance."

Rinoa would have smiled at the irony of his statement if she had the will.

A second voice added, "See, there's a window if we had to escape. Always have a back-up plan… and then a plan to back up that plan."

She had missed Zell at first, as he had made himself a little more at home than the commander. Apparently, the martial artist had pilfered two pillows from the bedroom and was now stretched out in the tub, using it as if it was some sort of oddly-shaped fiberglass lounge chair. Unlike like his counterpart, who was content on standing indefinitely, Zell preferred some nuances of comfort. Once he had put two and two together, as in Rinoa and Laguna, he realized that he and Squall would very likely be in for long evening of bathroom exile.

Rinoa hadn't said anything since she first walked in, not even an attempt at a smile, but as she looked back to Squall, she wanted to do nothing more than to break down. Neither had to say anything as they both moved forward, he wrapped his arms around her and she fell helplessly against his chest. He knew that she was having a difficult time with this; he couldn't blame her in the least – he knew this meeting was too much.

She buried her head against his chest, taking that moment to listen to his heartbeat. It seemed to be faster than normal and she wondered how much of that had to do with the stress from being back in Esthar or if it had anything to do with Laguna. The rhythm may have been abnormal, but she was just thankful to hear it beating at any pace.

Rinoa was the first to speak. "You know he's here, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"..I-I don't know how much longer I can do this. Kiros was one thing, but…"

Squall tightened his arms around her ever-so-slightly. It was a subconscious act of comfort on his part, offering what support the situation would allow. Even if it was only temporary, she at least seemed to find some solace with him. He had begun to feel the dampness of her tears as they slowly soaked through his shirt, although she reached up trying to brush them away.

"Squall, he's trying not to let me see his tears… I-I think he's trying to be strong because of me_. _He basically tried to act the same way during your funeral for me and Elle_. _It's just that I didn't _know _any better then and, yeah, maybe in some way, I was thankful for his strength. But now, now I know about…well, you know, _everything_ and he doesn't know a damned thing… this is hell."

Between her emotions and burying her head into his chest, Rinoa's voice sounded hoarse. Some of her words were nearly impossible for him to decipher. Then again, this was one of those situations where Squall now understood that her words were a mere formality, more than a necessity. She didn't have to say a single thing – he already knew exactly what she was feeling.

His right hand reached up, lightly stroking her hair. "Now you're in here trying to cover your own tears. Don't hide them because of me."

Just hearing his voice always gave her reassurance, five years later, and that hadn't changed. She used to feel as if he had this way of talking that made her feel like she could take on the world. The thing was – time had a way of changing that. She didn't want to take on the world anymore, she just them to be a small, normal part of it.

Looking up at the ceiling, he closed his eyes, attempting to take all the guilt onto himself, but just wishing for it never worked. It simply couldn't. This just led him back to the same truth, the one he had been constantly circling since they left Timber.

"I should have never have asked you to do this, it's not fair to either you or Laguna. I'm so-"

"Don't say it," Rinoa insisted, pulling away before he could get the rest of his apology out. She looked him directly in the eyes, again ignoring the fact that Zell was lounging in tub only an arm's length away.

"I'm so tired of people assigning fault. This isn't _your_ fault, this isn't _his _fault, nothing here can be helped. You certainly didn't ask to be shot or to chase some serial killer half way around the world. Nobody forced me to do this, I _wanted_ to. It's just hard when I know exactly how he's feeling and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. But it's none of our fault...I just can't deal with that from anyone right now."

Rinoa let out a small laugh which surprised him. "If anything, the only fault that you and Laguna share is that you're both ridiculously stubborn. I mean, you keep apologizing when you don't need to, and he's here only because he listened at the door like an eight-year-old trying to find out what he's getting for his birthday. You two, sometimes, you're just alike….I don't know what I'm going to do with you guys."

Squall raised an eyebrow, trying his best to seem upset. "Really, we're the stubborn ones? Maybe the only reason you and I get along so well is because you're the queen of all things stubborn. In my life, I have only met one other person who was equally as stubborn. Well…maybe _a person _per se, more like a really opinionated Chocobo. I called him stubborn, damn thing knocked me out cold."

"A Chocobo, Squall, really? You want me to believe you were knocked out by a Chocobo?" She managed a tiny smile; he'd at least count that mission a success.

"True story, happened in Winhill. See, I was trapped without transportation and was trying to find…" He smiled, knowing how much she would hate his next words. "You know what? This isn't the time for that. I'll finish the story later, promise. But all you need to know right now is that the Chocobo was very stubborn. So now get out there and get the information. If you succeed, it just may give you a slight edge over the bird."

With a true smile, she took a small step forward and went onto her toes, looking him in the eyes. "You're lucky I love you enough not to knock you out right now."

She softly kissed him before eventually turning and walking out the door.

After the door was closed, Zell had to comment, it was too good to pass up. "Yo dude, did you really just compare your girlfriend to a large, yellow bird? We really need to have a sit down about relationship advice… In all seriousness though, did you really get knocked out by Chocobo?"

"It's not something I'm proud to admit, but yes. I wanted to get her mind off everything for a second. I can't believe Laguna showed up… I'm not sure what possessed him to come along."

"Maybe the same thing that possessed you to go back for Rinoa? I mean, not saying what Rinoa said was correct but, yeah… you and Laguna are kinda alike in very different ways."

Squall said nothing as he stepped back, leaning once again on the counter. Zell had half-expected him to bite his head off at the comparison. It was one thing when Rinoa said it, but he certainly wasn't Rinoa.

Since Squall hadn't snapped at his last comment, Zell figured he might as well go-for-broke. At least under the circumstances, yelling was out of the question and bodily harm tended to draw unwanted attention. There had been something nagging him since Laguna first arrived.

"You know, Squall, you could just well, tell him the truth. It's not like you've exactly been listening to orders over the last few days. I mean you quit SeeD, so what's Cid going to do, fire you?"

"I can't."

It was a simple answer. Squall had mentally walked through this scenario himself. He wasn't sure what was holding him back – maybe pride, maybe stubbornness. As Zell stated, it certainly wouldn't be the first order that he disobeyed, probably not even the first one he broke today. It was just an inner battle he fought for years, although his determination waned greatly since the funeral. It was still hard to make that first move – to give in and surrender.

"Whatever, man. I don't want you to feel bad because I've haven't talked to anyone… It's different though, my family knows I'm not dead…yours is still in mourning. I just wanted to let you know that I'd be cool with it, if you told Laguna that is."

In all this, Squall tended to forget he wasn't the only one suffering. Zell had endured just as much and still had no one. Seeing Alex today from afar certainly wasn't the same as hearing her voice, holding her. He realized that he shouldn't be the only one to 'bend' orders. Zell deserved nothing less than hearing from his family. He deserved more, but this was all he could offer at the moment.

"Call Ma tomorrow, call Alex. It's the least Garden can do after everything. Hell, it's the least I can do. You've had to deal with me and all my shit for the last few weeks."

* * *

After she left the bathroom, Rinoa grabbed her duffle bag, before sitting on the edge of the bed. The time had slipped away from her. The last thing she wanted was Laguna to ask more questions; she just didn't have the strength. Fumbling through her bag, she quickly tried to find a folder. It was nothing more than a ruse, but if she didn't come back with_ something_ after all this time, it would appear as if she was purposefully lying to them.

"Rinoa, you all right?"

She jumped at the sound of the voice coming from the other side of the door. She didn't think it would be likely that Laguna would walk in uninvited to the bedroom, but it wasn't the first time she'd been wrong.

"I'm fine, be right out."

"I know you will, but I really wanted to talk to you a second. Can I come in there a few minutes?"

"Oh, yeah, hang on." So much for being uninvited.

Jumping up, she unlocked the door. He didn't say anything, but he did look slightly confused that she had taken the time to put the lock on. Without saying anything else she sat back down on the bed.

Walking into the bedroom, Laguna started to laugh softly to himself. It was a nervous habit just like when he rubbed the back of his neck, which he was also doing now. That alone keyed her in that whatever he was going to say was going to be more than a little awkward as if she hadn't felt that way most of the day. He took a seat next to her on the bed and wanted to begin explaining. Well, at least he would make a valiant attempt at _trying_ to explain.

"I get this weird feeling that I need to do something or that I should be doing something. I'm not really sure how to explain it without sounding like a blabbering fool…but I just keep having this nagging feeling something's off. I wanted to this without Kiros, because I really don't think he needs to hear about another one of my half-baked theories."

His train of thought veered, as he decided he needed to ask her something that was much more important. "Um, before I get into that, I really want to know how you're doing. I haven't spoken with you since Balamb and I needed to make sure you… Well, are you okay? I mean, _really _okay? It's just us. I don't mean how you try to act for other people."

"I am," she tried to reassure, however unconvincing. "It's like I've had bad days, but then I've had better ones. Zone had Watts have been there every step of the way, sometimes following a little too close for comfort, but I can't fault them for caring. A few days ago, I thought I was ready to go back to work…but I wasn't. In the end, that turned out for the better and now I can help. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly, you know?"

"That's my life story." She could hear the sorrow in his voice. "Rinoa, I know it isn't my place to worry about you, or try to be some annoying father-type figure that constantly tells you how to live your life. I suppose I feel this…_responsibility?_ I guess that's the word I'd use but, again, I don't want to cross any line and having you resent me. I just feel the least I can do is check up on you, if you're okay with it. It's the very least I could do for him…" He hesitated before asking the next question, "…Do you ever believe the dead can hear us?"

"I'm sure of it." Rinoa answered a little too quickly, although that was more for the fact that she honestly believed, rather than the fact Squall was most likely hearing every word from the bathroom. Either way, she believed it to be true.

"Sorry…I should give a better explanation then that. Yes, I do think they can hear us if we want them to. I thought about this all the time after my mother died. I wanted to believe that if we need them, they can hear our words and are always watching over us. I guess, I _needed_ to believe it as child…but now I honestly _wan_t to. Do you?"

He smiled with his answer. "Absolutely, I would find myself talking to Raine every day, although as time went on…it isn't quite as long or as often, but I still did. It's just over the last few weeks, I found myself talking to her more than I ever can remember. Now, I guess it's some sort of connection to Squall, no matter how distant. I have to believe he's with her. The thing is though… I've never tried to talk to him. I'm sure he wouldn't even want to hear from me even in death. It's that now that he's…gone I talk to Raine, asking her to check on him. Even now, I still find myself worrying about him."

It was odd. This was the one time Rinoa felt she should be emotional; it would be only natural given the topic. This might not have been the time or place for this discussion, but she honestly felt his pain. The bigger question haunting her conscience was should Squall really be hearing this and was it even fair to Laguna? He believed that he was speaking privately, but he wasn't. Then again, maybe Squall needed to hear this and, in some strange way, maybe this _was_ the right time and place for just that. It may not be the most ethical decision on her part, but to take a page from Laguna's thinking, 'reality often becomes blurred,' so too may the lines of morality.

Father and son never talked, or if they did it was sporadic at best but, under these circumstances, Squall would inevitable forced to listen. Maybe, just maybe, Squall could see a side of Laguna that he often tried to deny even existed. Squall maybe had heard his father's thoughts many years ago when Ellone sent him back, but he was no longer that person – none of them were those people.

"Laguna, I don't think you need to worry about Squall. We both know he's strong. I honestly believe he's just fine no matter where he's at."

"I've worried about him every day since I… well, since I found out that I had a son. It doesn't stop even now. Hopefully Raine's being a better parent than I ever was."

Rinoa noticed some time ago that Laguna had another telling habit. He had a tendency to play with his ring whenever the subject of Raine was brought up. Like the way she used to grab at her own chain when she felt anxious. It was probably an action that Laguna wasn't even consciously aware of, it was simple habit. This time was no different. She'd never mentioned it before, she never thought it was her business, but right now, maybe these were words that needed to be said – needed to be _heard._

"You still wear your ring?" It was a simple question with an answer that was anything but simple.

Laguna glanced down, suddenly aware of what his hands were doing. With a soft smile, he looked back at her.

"Yes, I do. I can't tell you whether it's funny or sad, or a little of each. After all these years, reality often becomes blurred. Sometimes, I wish I had the strength to take it off – while other times, I'm glad I never found that strength… Still, part of me knows that I shouldn't keep living in the past. I always told myself that I'd know when the time was right, but it just never was. I guess, too, my past was the only time everything seemed right in my life, the only time anything made sense. I've slowly come to terms that, most likely, nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome for Raine. Winhill simply didn't have the capabilities and I'd be damned if I could have ever got her to leave that place…she was very stubborn. But I could have been there for her, for Squall. It would have at least been _something_ – something would have been better than nothing…."

His unsure, shaking hands continued to twist the band. Reaching out, Rinoa placed her hand gently over his. This gesture worked twofold. First, it was just to let him know that she was there, a sign of silent support. Second, it was a symbolic gesture that covered his ring so that he could no longer focus on it, the symbol of his past, and force him to look on the present, but she was probably just overanalyzing things again…

"Laguna, I can relate to some extent... I think we've all done our share of living the past, but don't do this to yourself. One question will always lead to another and you can't spend the rest of your life thinking about 'what ifs.' Maybe it was always meant to work out this way and nothing could change even it. Maybe in some way, Ultimecia's abilities taught us something - that you can't change the actions in the past but, on the other hand, Ellone taught us something much more important - you can learn from it and help mold your future."

"I suppose there's some irony in the fact that I had a son, but ended up with two daughters. Ellone may call me 'uncle' and you may call me 'Laguna' but I'll always see you both as my children even if not by blood. It's times like this when I know exactly what he saw in you."

She stifled a small laugh. "Yeah, it's exactly times _like this_ that he would have high-tailed it out of here and run off to slice-n-dice the nearest Bite Bug. Back then, he wasn't exactly keen on the whole talking and feelings thing…or, you know, you'd pretty much have to lock him in the bathroom to hear someone out. Then again, a few years ago, I'd have been more likely to not let it go so easily and chase him down...or be the one to lock him in the bathroom in the first place. I wasn't always good about giving him the distance he needed, I just liked to think I was. So yeah, we were basically different years ago. You know, the same, but different."

She couldn't help slipping that line in as it seemed rather appropriate and just to tempt fate, she added, "Then again, with my luck, the bathroom I'd lock him in would have an escape window."

He nodded with a thin smile, although the rather double meaning of her statement never really sunk in. He took his other hand, now gently clasping over hers. With a small squeeze, he continued, "Well yeah, you could be rather…_persistent_. I'll give you that," he said in jest. "But did you seriously lock him in the bathroom? I can't imagine that going over too well."

"Well, you know Squall…but he took it better than I would've expected." Silently, she added a _'hopefully'_ to the end of that statement.

The lighter moment didn't last long as Laguna's expression changed. She could see that he was on the verge of tears again. She had known that rollercoaster of emotions all too well. "You know, since I first found out I had a son, I wanted to do something right by him – to make up for all the years I'd missed. It never worked out for one reason or another, or you know, my ability to say exactly the wrong thing to him just about all the time… in his eyes. I wanted to do something he could be proud of and-"

He stopped momentarily as he embarrassedly admitted, "God, I thought I was supposed to be the one supporting you…now look at me."

She reassured him. "You_ did_ support me. You were there when nobody else could have ever understood."

"I'm glad I could be…but that's not what I really meant. I just…" He surprised her by pulling his hands away, leaving her confused as he looked back at the ground. "Damn it," he swore under his breath although it came out as some sort of backwards growl.

"Laguna?"

"No, no, I'm sorry. I'm kind of fighting with myself here and oddly both sides are losing… See, I actually came in here to talk to you about something… which Kiros told me not to do and he's usually right when it comes to things like this, but sometimes I just have to go with my gut, you know?"

"Laguna, you're kind of scaring me. Is something wrong?" Given the situation, she realized that statement was pretty apparent. "I mean, besides…um yeah."

"Rinoa, see as I said earlier I couldn't ever do anything right for Squall, but maybe I can now. Well, in a way. See, there's nothing I can do for him, but I can watch out for you…. When I first got here, I told you how much I wanted to help find the guy who killed Squall, and I do, but there's another reason I showed up tonight…to ask you not to continue. I mean, I know how much helping find this guy means to you, because it means the damn world to me too but…there's something wrong with this whole situation."

Rinoa was definitely taken aback by the statement. She certainly hadn't seen this one coming or even could comprehend the reason why he'd ask such a thing, but the last thing she wanted to do was cause him more pain.

"Laguna…I'm really at a loss. If you're worried about me handling the situation…well, I have to – more importantly_, I want to._ I know it's easy for people to say words…that's not what I'm trying to do, but I really will fine. The last few minutes have been…emotional. I know I'm probably all over the place too. I guess I'm just a little tired from being on the road all day. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and, you know, remember how to the simple things – like breathe."

"That's not what I mean, really…although that worries me too. It's just that… Maybe I'm wrong, and really off base, but I promised myself to do this…"

"I honestly don't get what you're trying to say."

"Yeah, kinda figured that one…here it goes so just bear with me. The fact is that Garden and SeeD - they don't ask for outside help, they_ are_ outside help. If something doesn't benefit them… well, let's just say you need to question what their intent might be. I was always very proud of my son and everything he had ever accomplished but I was never really thrilled with the place he worked. I couldn't exactly say that to him, but I'm saying it to you. Garden is a business and sometimes things come down to a bottom line, people come down to a bottom line. I don't want you to be…set up for anything as a scapegoat. It's just not natural to drag you in…and even now, _you're_ the one doing everything and they're off to who knows where."

At least that clarified it for her and oddly enough, she agreed with him nearly a hundred percent. That is, if it wasn't for whom she was working with, but that was something she was forced to omit.

"Thank you, Laguna. I mean for caring – you'll never know how much all this means to me." She reached over, giving him a quick hug, which honestly surprised him after everything he had just said. He gave a quick pat on the back before she broke away. He still sat dumfounded as she continued.

"Don't think for one second I'm upset with you for saying how you feel. I get exactly where you're coming from. Honestly, we're kind of on the same page when it comes to our impression of how far Garden would go. I wouldn't exactly say Cid as an individual but, you're right, no matter if they saved the world in the past, at the heart of it all, it's a for-profit business. There's also some irony in the fact that this isn't the first time today I've heard about Garden using people as scapegoats. But as far I go…years back, I played that role to some extent, but in that respect, I also allowed it. It was my choice and in the end, I thought it was best."

"Rinoa, I know that people there are your friends and care about you… it's just that sometimes people grow up one way and they're so used to a way of life, it's hard to change. For a long time, I believed I'd do anything to defend Galbadia when I was in the army and then…well, sometimes everything isn't always as it seems. Esthar wasn't the horrible place like Vinzer Deling tried to make us believe, it was just a little misguided."

She wanted to say so much, but felt bound not to. If she said one thing, it might come off as defensive, if she said another, it would sound dismissive. She could have argued over and over that she would be safe, that she knew what she was doing – but how could he believe her? She wouldn't have even believed herself at that point. So instead, she remained silent trying to come up with any excuse she could, one that would seem feasible.

As far as Laguna, he had already decided it would be his personal mission that Rinoa had as normal life as possible. She seemed to be doing fine three weeks ago, but now she had fallen back into dangerous patterns. She was vulnerable, as was he, trying to work a mission while suffering such an emotional loss was certainly not healthy – especially when the mission was a constant reminder of that.

"Okay, I understand and I won't bring it up again. I'll just leave it with people, places, even values can change. You even told me that you hadn't really talked to your friends for years – up until Selphie and Irvine's wedding. I'm just afraid you're going to be hurt in the process. I hope whoever these SeeDs are really have your back but, if they don't, just know _I will._ It's the only thing I can do now."

"Laguna, that means more to me than you'll ever know. I never, _never_ meant to have gotten you involved with this...and that's an understatement. I trust them with my life. I just… there's nothing I'm going to be able to say that will make any sense. I know it's not much, and it sounds so ridiculous in my head as well, but please take my word. They're watching out for me this time, trust me."

"I trust you, Rinoa, I've believed in you for years. It's just that working with SeeD…unless I can know Garden's reasoning for dragging you into an otherwise classified mission, it's hard to understand. Unless I hear they have your back, and they can look me in the eyes and mean it, it's hard to believe them."

This time, it was Squall's turn to respond to Laguna's question.

"What it if you heard it from me?"

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Fifty-Nine: Soldiers of the Empire** _

* * *

 

There were voices in his life that Laguna Loire swore to himself that he would never forget.

…_Could_ never forget.

Truth be told, he believed this would hold true for just about everyone. It might have been a generalization on his part. It might have been his innate ability to romanticize life even in the face of adversity but it was such beliefs which guided him in times of darkness over the years. To him, it seemed natural for one's mind to tie in memories with a specific voice, each one carrying its own unique range, tone, and pitch.

He had no concrete evidence to either support his claim or prove the contrary; he certainly wasn't a mental bank full of facts and figures. So much in his life had solely been based on instinct alone. Maybe in scientific terms, the sense of hearing was not as strong as that of smell, but every voice held something distinctively different to his ears. Laguna had sworn he could remember every voice that ever mattered to him…

The first time he heard Julia sing; the first time that she walked to his table and spoke directly to him.

The first time he heard Raine say that she loved him; the first time she cried after he repeated the words back to her.

The times Ellone called him "Uncle" in the voice of an innocent child; the first time he heard her address him exactly the same, over a decade later.

Those who were ever close to him – either past or present - he would never forget their voices.

"_What it if you heard it from me?"_

So given all the ghosts of the past that haunted him, why did the voice not register? When he heard those words, why did his mind desperately grasp for recognition?

Maybe because, even above memory, the mind often fell back on to doubt. Doubt was certain, it was tangible, and it was easier to accept than an impossible wish coming true - a wish that could never come true.

So, even as the sound of the once-familiar voice reached Laguna's ears, the truth was anything but immediate. The President often thought if he had been placed in this situation that he would know his son's voice anywhere – time and distance would never change that fact. Reality, however, was a little less romantic…but truthfully, it wasn't how many seconds it took for his mind to register – it was only the result that mattered in the end.

…And when that moment happened, it was beautiful.

From his point of view, Squall wasn't sure what finally made him walk out of that bathroom. And truthfully, he would probably never know.

…It might have been Rinoa.

He had asked so much of her, although 'asked' might have been the wrong word. Once again, she was placed in a position where she was unable to tell the truth. It seemed almost heartless on his part. He didn't want to be that person anymore; he wasn't going to let others fight his battles.

…Or it may have been Zell's earlier encouragement.

His friend had suffered greatly. Unfortunately, it sometimes became easy for Squall to skim over this fact. There were instances where the commander had blinders on and only noticed how this ordeal had affected him. After speaking with Zell, Squall was quickly reminded of the one person who had been by his side this entire time. The martial artist's life may have never been hanging in the balance, but that didn't lessen the pain to his family, not one damn bit. To them, every time the phone rang, it could have been the call they most feared.

If ever there was a relationship between parent and child that Squall admired, it would be Zell and his Ma. It never mattered that their relationship wasn't by blood. It seemed that their familiar ties were unbreakable. From his grandparents to his cousins, the martial artist held his family dear and when they suffered, he did too. So when Zell encouraged Squall to tell Laguna, the commander took it to heart. And while it appeared as if he wasn't listening at the time, Squall took every word to heart.

…Or finally, it may have been because of a truth repeatedly overlooked in Squall's thoughts - his parents.

The last straw to opening the door might have been Laguna or, more unbelievably so, it might have been because of Raine. There were aspects about his life that Squall never wanted to hear, words he never wanted his father to say. Yet today, he had heard them. In any other circumstance, Squall knew he probably wouldn't have listened. He was also very well-aware that Rinoa had banked on this little fact too. The reason may have been due to Squall's pride, or his stubbornness, or something else that he couldn't yet define, but something always held him back from hearing the truth.

Today though, at least for this moment, the commander was forced to stop thinking of Laguna as a single person, or an estranged farther, or even the ruler of a country - today Squall thought of the man as someone far more. Laguna was one piece in part of a whole, a piece that combined perfectly to be a couple, and in time, become his parents.

It had been easier to think of this man as a person who left, abandoned his mother – no matter how skewed that perception was. Squall simply didn't want the truth as it was easier to remain emotionally distant by assumptions. But today, today he heard Laguna talk about his wife, the pain and, most of all, the guilt he still harbored. _That _was the reality his father had created for himself. In a cruel and bitter way, Squall had forged a connection with Laguna – through both actions and the ensuing guilt.

When first walking out, the commander found himself quickly regretting the decision. But 'regret' was so easy for him to do – to categorically define everything into two columns of right and wrong. Yet trying to rationally define emotions was like trying to catch the wind - both would always be a losing battle, always _just_ out of reach. However, quite simply, a civil relationship with Laguna wasn't out of his range. They would never have the perfect father/son bond, but maybe they could find a medium between that 'perfection' and what they had lived within the past.

It wasn't as if this one conversation would negate the years, but it was a step in a new direction. The commander had learned that lesson repeatedly over the last few weeks – it seemed that sometimes a single step really could help define the beginning of a future.

So, in the end, maybe there was only one reason Squall walked out of that room – _himself._

Taking those final steps, Rinoa had been the first to catch his eye. Squall's focus was naturally drawn to her and keeping his attention fixed there seemed like the easier solution. Trying to look at Laguna was proving more difficult than he thought. Ultimately having no choice in the matter, Squall would eventually muster the courage to do so but, right now, he found that his strength was tied to her. Laguna, at this point, had not noticed that he and Rinoa were no longer by themselves.

It was only when Laguna spoke again that Squall was able to look at him. However, his father was unaware that he had the attention of a very important audience…and that most definitely for the better.

"_I trust you, Rinoa, I've believed in you for years. It's just that working with SeeD…unless I can know Garden's reasoning for dragging you into an otherwise classified mission, it's hard to understand. Unless I hear they have your back, and they can look me in the eyes and mean it, it's hard to believe them."_

And when he heard Laguna say this, Squall_ knew_ he was doing the right thing.

No matter what he sometimes thought about his father – the man could read people. It was something that Squall had silently observed and deep-down had gained respect for. In this case, his father was absolutely right; Garden was a business, usually with a secondary agenda. He would have never told Squall or said anything against SeeD when he was 'alive,' but it appeared that the Present wasn't about to let Rinoa be taken in, especially at a time where he believed she was emotionally vulnerable. Laguna cared about Rinoa, it wasn't for a superficial reason or some 'ploy' to grow closer to his son. It was genuine.

For that, he would give Laguna the one thing he could offer in that moment – the promise he was looking for.

"What it if you heard it from me?"

The words came out easier than he thought and the moment they did, there were no regrets – not one.

The commander could tell that Laguna was taken off-guard and rightfully so. It seemed that he had a knack for surprising people lately. He couldn't say why, but the moment Laguna started to look, Squall's gaze turned back towards Rinoa. Again, maybe it was for the inner strength she offered or the reconnection of the bond they once shared. As Squall's eyes quickly met hers, he smiled inwardly, although his outward demeanor never faltered. This silent exchange between Rinoa and Squall was a passing moment of both closure and understanding; it was one less secret to hide. He could witness her relief firsthand; in fact, she ended up lying back on the bed, collapsing in emotional exhaustion.

It was then he turned back to Laguna - who was currently facing his own game of emotional tug-of-war. It had only been a few seconds since Squall had first spoken, but it seemed as if everything had happened in slow-motion. As Squall looked at his father, the man seemed to be in a state of shock, unable to believe what was literally standing before his eyes.

Squall was never good at reassuring people unless it was in battle, but it unfortunately seemed like that was what this moment was going to call for. Damn it to hell, he wondered why he couldn't just order his father to understand. Life would be so much simpler if he could fall back onto what years of military training allowed.

Instead of haphazard apologies and explanations, Squall decided to offer the promise that Laguna had asked for just moments before.

"I will stand here, look you in the eyes, and promise that I have Rinoa's back." The commander had managed the first few words easily, but as the gravity of the moment started sinking in, it was the last ones that were proving difficult to him. "…I'm sure this wasn't the answer you were expecting…or the person you were expecting it from…but it's the one you'll get. It's the one I can offer."

As difficult as Laguna found it to stand earlier, it seemed almost beyond impossible now. His body had already been drained with all the emotional battles taking their toll. But, there was nothing on this planet, in this galaxy, or within infinite universes that would stop him. Even if it took every breath left in his body, he was going to find the power to stand…and so he did.

Laguna Loire wasn't that old, that frail, or that incapable, but it seemed that the weight of everything seemed destined to come crashing down on him in that moment. Just like what happened earlier, he found that his legs were starting to give under the weight.

This time, it wasn't Kiros that offered help or stood by his side….

It only took a few steps, but Squall was there. It really hadn't been his intention to hug his father but, in that moment, it seemed right. _It was right._

The most surprising part of this reunion was that Laguna didn't ask questions or, beyond the initial shock, have any doubts. When the President first arrived at the resort, he had a million questions that he wanted to ask Rinoa. And now, with this reality, he had easily tripled that number, but not one question seemed important enough to ask in the moment.

If Squall was asked to picture this moment, it would have been completely the opposite. Even now, he could imagine the incoherent rambling in Laguna's head; he could almost hear his father's disjointed and fumbled thoughts as he tried to string the right words together. It wasn't exactly a stretch on Squall's part. He had lived the experience firsthand and was quite aware of the processes of Laguna's mind.

However, in all Squall's thoughts, he had never imagined the silence. The beautiful silence that expressed more to him than any words ever could.

The commander would have liked to say that this moment was comfortable, but it honestly wasn't. Half of the time, Squall was trying to wrap his mind around how exactly he, no _they_, ended up here. This was the most physical contact he had ever had with his father. Truthfully, the commander could not even recall a time that he'd offered the man a simple handshake. With those thoughts, he gave Laguna a few awkward pats on the back.

The first words Laguna managed were in direct response to his son's earlier promise. His statement was both simple and to the point.

"That's…the only answer I'll ever want."

Still supporting the older man, Squall took a step back. "Here, why don't you sit?"

The question didn't surprise Laguna. He knew that Squall was highly uncomfortable with most contact. He was just thankful for this time, for _any _time, with his son. A tentative hug was far more than the President could have ever dreamed of again.

As Laguna carefully sat back down on the bed, the room's three occupants were surprised by a knock at the door. Rinoa quietly sat up from her position, deciding it was best to remain a silent figure in the background. Her presence would always remain a part of this moment, but this reunion wasn't hers. She would have left earlier, but that would have drawn undo attention to herself; most likely, it would have served as an ever bigger distraction than her silence. Then again, she had to admit that she never believed this moment would happen. It might have been selfish, but there was part of her glad to have experienced it firsthand.

Either way, it wasn't as if the knocking by Kiros could be considered a sudden turn-of-events.

Laguna had been in the bedroom twenty minutes, give or take, which could be measured as a considerable amount of time for Kiros to wait alone. The fact remained that it was Rinoa who had requested access to Esthar's database, not to mention the hour. It was only natural for Kiros to offer a friendly reminder about returning the mission, but he was trying to be respectful about Laguna's situation. He wanted to give his friend the time to work though his grief, even if he disagreed with some of Laguna's decisions, especially that regarding Rinoa's involvement.

Kiros thought it was better to stay out of Miss Heartilly's business, as it was her choice whether or not to work alongside SeeD. She was more than capable to make an informed decision and just like Laguna, everybody dealt with the grief in their own way. No matter how many times he encouraged Laguna not to broach the subject - it went in one ear and out the other. His life-long friend had already made up his mind and Laguna was nothing if not persistent.

It was obvious with the prolonged silence that Rinoa would have to play her part, as nobody was inviting Kiros in – then again, she completely understood their hesitation.

"…Come in," she said with much hesitation.

Rinoa glanced to Squall, unsure of how he was going to react to the latest development. It was one thing to tell Laguna, but telling Kiros was another. Although with his abilities and foresight, this outcome was probably an obvious conclusion. Still, she could tell that he wasn't thrilled with their newest predicament – then again, it went without say that the commander was never 'thrilled' about any of this.

In Squall's mind, even if Kiros didn't find out this way, he would have eventually – most likely sooner rather than later. Either way, this seemed destined to be one of those domino-type situations. Hopefully it was going to be a very,_ very_ short chain only including Laguna, Kiros, and Ward. Squall honestly felt bad for keeping Ellone out of the loop, but too many people were already being dragged into this. Without knowing who they were up against, he wanted to protect her as much as possible - one thing they clearly learned in FH was what this animal was truly capable of.

Apparently, she hadn't been loud enough for Kiros to hear, so Rinoa spoke with a little more conviction. "It's open, come in."

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but I think that I-" Kiros stopped abruptly when he walked in and saw who was standing there. Almost simultaneously, Zell walked out of the bathroom. The martial artist had heard Rinoa inviting Kiros in and decided this would be about as good at any time to come out of hiding.

Kiros blinked, looking in great confusion at the scene playing out in front of him. "Well, I thought I had some important information, but apparently, mine can wait."

The earlier silence continued in the room as nobody wanted to say the first word. It was almost comical to a point - Kiros looked at Laguna, figuring his friend would explain. Laguna was still in a state-of-shock himself and had no answers – he hadn't the inclination to ask before. So, Laguna looked up at Squall, who was still standing nearby. Squall, in turn, really wasn't sure what to say. Explanations were never his strong suit, not to mention this whole thing happened rather quickly. So, when Laguna looked at him, Squall's first instinct was to turn towards Rinoa for help. Had this been a military discipline, the commander wouldn't have blinked twice, but this again was listed nowhere in the SeeD manual.

Rinoa sighed loudly, knowing this was falling back onto her. Currently, she wasn't emotionally any better equipped to handle this than anyone else right now. Out of the corner of her eye, she happened to see Zell walking further into the room. As a last-ditch effort, she turned to him as a distraction.

This was the last thing he had expected when he walked out of the bathroom, but it appeared this odd chain of passing-the-buck had run out of players.

"Oh yeah, this… um," Zell began, scratching his head awkwardly as his eyes darted around the room, "Well, first things first, I'm not in a coma and Squall's obviously not dead, but that doesn't mean he still can't be cranky, 'cause he has been. Of course, that's most likely due to the fact that everyone _thinks he's dead_, plus spending weeks trapped in a surveillance van can really get under your skin."

"Yeah, I'm cranky…and getting crankier by the moment." Squall looked at the martial artist irritably. If he had to listen to Zell's asinine explanation any longer, his comrade may just end up in a coma yet.

Rinoa took this as her cue to stand up and try to play peacekeeper before this reunion could take a sudden, although maybe not too unexpected, turn for the worse.

"Laguna, Kiros…I know_ exactly_ what you're going through, especially you Laguna… I've known the truth for a few days and everything still seems surreal… Sometimes, I think I'm dreaming and half-expect myself to wake up…I just pray, no matter what…that I never wake up."

It was going to take everything she had, but she was going to try and continue. To her surprise, she was silenced as a comforting hand rested on her shoulder. It took many years for her to learn the subtle language of Squall; it was a language that was always evolving and one that could never be mastered. Still, for what little she could decipher of his code, she understood that he would take it from here. And when he kept his hand firmly on her shoulder, she knew the gesture was just as much for him as for her.

"Earlier, everything Rinoa told you about the case was accurate – she was just trying to skim over some fairly major details like: _who _brought her into this. And Laguna, you're earlier statement was right. It certainly wasn't SeeD that wanted her help…as you said, they would never involve an outsider. Trust me, the headmaster has been less than thrilled with my behavior. My recent choices go completely against Garden's protocol and, truthfully, can be construed as very selfish… It was never my intention to jeopardize the mission, but people I care about had suffered enough. It had to fucking stop and I drew a line."

Squall motioned towards Laguna, addressing the statement that prompted this. "As I said earlier, it's my responsibility that Rinoa became involved and I give you my word… I'll protect her."

"I know you will… thank you."

More awkward silence passed and before Squall found himself having to admit anything further, he felt it necessary to change the subject.

"Kiros, you mentioned that you were able to locate information?"

He nodded, but started speaking with some hesitation. "Well…for the most part, I have. After some digging, I was able to locate the name Conner Trinneer in our database… It took some time as his last known division was marked with a military code – in this case MK."

"Of course, why not…" Laguna said softly, looking toward the ground, unable to face the others. "Just when I think we can finally start leaving the past…in the past."

It was obvious to Squall that this was far from good news and, knowing Esthar's history, things had just gone from worse to downright horrific. Stepping away from Rinoa, the commander walked the few steps to Kiros. Folding his arms might have come off as aggressive, but he honestly didn't give a damn. If there was one thing that could lead him to appear hostile, it was this entire nation and their ability to fuck-up just about everything they possibly could.

At this point, Squall couldn't care less about decorum. "For those of us without intimate knowledge of the Estharian military, care to explain?"

Kiros wasn't surprised by the confrontation; his past interactions with Squall had been fickle at best. He never had felt threatened by the commander's presence but, at least in this case, he could empathize with his anger, especially when Esthar's history came into question. Kiros was well-aware that his adoptive country didn't exactly have clean hands.

Continuing to hold his ground, Kiros began. "Before Adel was overthrown, there were several government-sponsored research projects going on simultaneously…some far more hideous than Odine's research with Ellone. Given the military nature, it was common that each experiment was issued a specific code name, which is the case here. The 'MK' is short for Midnight Katipo, although exact details were never recorded – or what was had been was destroyed with the change in régime decades ago. What I can tell you is that the 'Katipo' is a venomous spider found solely on this continent."

Zell had been relatively quiet through this, but he couldn't exactly hold his comments back any longer. "Tch! Are you freakin' kidding me? What's what with this place and spiders? Your whole city layout looks like it's a goddamn black widow, now this?"

"Spiders. Great. Awesome. My favorite," Rinoa replied in a dry, sarcastic monotone voice, "This day keeps getting better and better."

Kiros rubbed his brow. "Actually, the layout itself is based off a katipo, same genus as the black widow. The continent's indigenous people believed that this particular arachnid only bit at night. Of course, this was later proven false. However, it's always been my belief that the legend most likely played into the 'midnight' aspect of the research project's name – a venomous spider that bites at night."

With Esthar's history, Squall would rule nothing out. "Venomous? Poison maybe? I wonder if that has something to do with the nature of the experiment?"

"That would make sense. It also coincides with information I've heard over the years, but I wouldn't say anything with certainty. I've never had a need to look into the MK project, as I often believe that some things in history are best left dormant. But as it's become an issue, I'll start investigating."

It suddenly dawned on Rinoa that she might not able to look at any pictures tonight. After all the stress of the day, she had mentally conditioned herself so she could do this. "Wait… you can still access the information on the guy right? I mean, it's just this spider experiment that's still classified."

"Yes, Miss Heartilly, we are still able to access the basic military information. It just appears that there are no complete records as to latter assignments and there's no current documentation in regards to survivors."

"It's okay…I just need to see a photo…hopefully we'll have something to go by – a name and a face."

Kiros finally took a step away from where Squall was still standing. "Madam, would you and Zell like to follow me so we can get this started?"

Looking between Squall and Laguna, she found herself at a momentary impasse. No matter what her instincts told her, she had done her part and anything more was up to them. Fate already had its hand in bringing an estranged father and son together and, for her part, she initiated conversations to be overheard. The next steps rested in their hands. Biting her lip nervously, she gave hesitant wave behind her before starting to leave. Zell followed suit, quickly dashing to catch up with her. As the duo got to the doorway, the martial artist put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a supportive hug.

Kiros had done his best to give his friend an opportunity, but as much as Squall could appreciate his loyalty, the commander wasn't ready for a forced reunion. Today had already been filled with enough conflicting emotions to last until Squall's fiftieth birthday. Right now, he was doing his best to hold onto his own stability; there was only so much newfound perspective one could genuinely handle.

This moment between father and son was over before it began.

"Laguna… I'll be following Rinoa out. I'm not going to stand here and make excuses. After all the lies we've dealt with over the weeks, we all deserve something more and in our own time, maybe we'll find it."

Laguna let out a shallow breath, nervously chuckling to himself. "Squall, I get it. After all you've been through… don't ever feel like you have to give me an excuse. I'm not your favorite person in the world and things aren't miraculously going to change because you're standing here."

He was right; life wasn't a script and forgiveness wasn't something given with the scribbles of a pen. It would take time – time that may or may not be in their future. But even now, Squall had to admit, if only to himself, that he hoped it would be.

"Maybe sometime, somewhere…just not today."

"Go, go… I'm right behind you." Laguna stood up while motioning for Squall to follow Rinoa into the living room. He would never force his son; things like emotions couldn't be placed on any timetable.

As he started to leave the room, Squall stopped and found himself turning back around. Something Laguna said needed slight clarification. "While you're not my favorite person in the world – you're not my least favorite either."

To the average person, this may have sounded like a not-so-thinly-veiled insult, but to Laguna, it was anything but. So, as Squall left the room, the Present felt something that had escaped him for so long, something that once-upon-a-time might have seemed foreign – hope.

**End Note:** The Katipo Spider is an actual spider, though not native to Esthar. Shocking, right? It's an endangered species native to New Zealand, but all the other information Kiros gave was correct. ;) 

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty: The Die is Cast** _

* * *

Rinoa stood in the living room, waiting just outside the bedroom door. She could have easily gone in and sat down, but comfort wasn't exactly a high priority. Kiros had moved to the larger couch to make it easier for her to view the monitor. Still, something told her to remain behind. Waiting another few moments wasn't going to hurt the mission at this point; they had waited this long already. Right now, she just wanted to be there for him and offer her support – even if he wasn't physically in the same room.

Right now, Zell had made his way to one of the two single-seater chairs. The martial artist didn't seem to worry about manners too much as he propped up his feet onto the glass-top coffee table. After all, he had just been lounging in a fiberglass bathtub, and while that was not nearly as uncomfortable as some of his experiences in the van-from-hell, it certainly didn't exude the epitome of comfort either. So as today's thoughts on etiquette had already been tossed out the window, Zell was going to make the most out of everything. From now on, it was all these little comforts in life that he would never take for granted – like overstuffed chairs and throw pillows.

The sorceress had to appreciate him for all his idiosyncrasies. While he had always been rather spirited in her mind, he seemed so much more comfortable in who he was now. It was bound to happen over time, but being away from all her friends seemed to magnify their personalities – and she loved both the discovering and rediscovering of so many different facets.

Rinoa exhaled nervously as she eyed the door. Call it a hunch, call it intuition, or again call it 'knowing how to read the subtle language of her former knight,' but she was fairly confident that Squall wouldn't remain alone with Laguna for long.

…And she was right.

As Squall walked out of the bedroom, his face remained emotionless, but she could sense more underneath it. A small, reassuring smile was all she could muster but he gladly accepted the gesture. Once Rinoa could see he was all right, she started to head to the couch though his semi-spontaneous behavior managed to catch her off-guard again. She felt his hand make contact with hers; without a word, without a single comment, he interlocked their fingers together. With a single squeeze of her hand, he could relay so much. His silent appreciation never had to be spoken, but again the message was received and understood with great clarity.

Together, the couple made their way over to the couch. Rinoa sat on the middle cushion, directly next to Kiros while Squall sat directly by her side. As far as taking the lead, Squall seemed to be deferring the role to both Kiros and Rinoa. The commander was being supportive without being assertive. He was allowing them to handle this part of the investigation on their own terms.

To Rinoa, this moment just helped highlight the man who Squall had grown into. One of his most notable transformations dealt with his overall leadership abilities. This mission might have been a microcosm, and not really comparable to his everyday life, but even the small things emphasized his maturity on so many levels. Squall had learned how to actually step back and not only be a leader, but also be a teammate to others.

During Ultimecia, and even a few years after, he would have been right there, calling every shot, checking and double-checking on everyone's work. In the past, he had never been one for delegating or relying on others and_ that_ had been both a personal and a professional shortcoming.

It was difficult to place blame on him though. He had gone from being a seventeen-year-old cadet, to a SeeD, to a commander, and finally to a world hero in a matter of weeks. He was too young, to put it quite simply. It was a position that he should have never been in, and truly, one he had never trained for – there was no training no known training to prepare him for what they had endured.

Now, he seemed to have more faith in others or at least in their abilities. Unfortunately, that lesson had come a little too late. Three years ago, he had overworked himself to a point of no return. It was inevitable that he'd eventually compile so much weight upon himself that he would be destined to break – and so he did.

Still, that man she left behind three years ago was not the same person sitting beside her now – they were the same but different as, again, their old friend semantics was playing its part. But then again, she wouldn't have wanted him to be any other way; she liked rediscovering Squall Leonhart and all the reasons she had fallen in love with him, both the person back then and the person right now.

Rinoa knew that she could handle this, especially with his support. Compared to what he had gone through, her part was simple enough. She turned, giving him a diminutive smile.

"Okay, guess it's now or never."

He didn't offer a verbal reply, but that didn't matter. Instead, he squeezed her hand and again, those were the only 'words' she needed for encouragement. Shifting her body, she turned back towards Kiros and focused her attention on the monitor. He already had the computer open and the familiar Estharian logo filled the screen.

The picture struck a familiar chord and the image of the 'warning' Moomba flashed through her mind. For some reason, that damn Moomba helped put her mind at ease, making her feel slightly better. She had no reasonable explanation as to why, but its pixilated 'talk to the paw' logo made this whole ordeal seem a little more tolerable. She would have to thank Laguna later on for his sense of unique taste.

It only took a few clicks of the computer before Kiros had several windows layered on the screen. The first picture was familiar - she could identify the man his family knew as Conner Blalock, although Esthar only knew him as Conner Trinneer. She had seen that particular photo back in Fisherman's Horizon, but it didn't make it any less difficult to stomach. Looking into his face, she could see the traces of his children. It was those thoughts, along with the brutal images, that would haunt her. She swallowed nervously, diverting her eyes from the screen.

Kiros could sense her apprehension. "If this becomes too much at any time, let me know."

She shook her head slowly. "Let's just find the guy."

"I understand… Anyway, our records indicate that Conner Trinneer's first assignment was to an Infantry Regiment positioned along the western borders of the Great Salt Lake. However, after a few months, several units were reassigned - unfortunately, no reason was noted in the records, nor can I find any documentation on who issued the request. Again, given the level of secrecy, it's not surprising. It does appear that Trinneer was transferred at that time… his assignment was just northeast of his original location. It appears the additional troops were transferred to work with a mobile medial unit set up within the Great Salt Lake. Along with Trinner, the attached unit marksman was moved at the same time, and his name…Duncan Sirtis. There's only one picture of him in the database and it's as a new recruit."

Her eyes slowly made their way to the monitor. It only took a split second to recognize what some would label as the devil himself. From her dreams and nightmares - to the screen in front of her - she would know that man, _that animal_, anywhere. As soon as she looked into his face, there was no question in Rinoa's mind. It was his eyes that she remembered the most. They didn't appear sadistic or embody the personification of evil; if anything, they shared the same youthful enthusiasm as Trinneer, looking as if they could take on the world. Even now when she tried to picture him at the funeral, she could see an emotion something akin to sorrow and pain.

The memories she had were a stark contrast to everything she knew to be true.

Duncan Sirtis was a monster. He was a killer. He deserved no remorse.

"It's him," she whispered, "…it's him."

Maybe she didn't have the strength that she thought, or maybe appearing weak no longer mattered in the end. She simply didn't care what anyone thought. Turning back to Squall, she leaned into him, burying her face into his shoulder. Even though she was no longer looking at the picture of Sirtis on the screen, nothing was stopping it from showing in her mind.

Squall didn't judge her. Instead, he pulled her in, embracing her fully, and never once questioning her willpower. To him, he no longer construed her emotions as a weakness. They were a strength. It was a skill to feel empathy for others, especially those who hardly deserved a second glance. It was something that he often had trouble doing in the past and, even now, barely managed in the present.

Thankfully, Squall was able to multitask and do both of his jobs equally - the one as commander and the other as a boyfriend. He offered her comfort, by holding her securely with one hand and slowly rubbing her back with the other. On top of that, he was still able to remain focused enough to formulate questions. It seemed that one action was becoming just as easy as the other.

"Is it standard for a medical unit to be assigned a sharpshooter?"

"Depending on the military - yes and no. Any unit should be able to defend themselves to a certain extent as all members have had basic infantry training, from the mess hall staff to the doctors. Still, seeing as the hospital literally had deployed fighting units on all four sides of them, trained snipers inside, and they themselves were shielded by the natural walls of the Salt Lake, it does seem to go above the norm. This amount of security would definitely be considered extreme."

"So, where does this coded Midnight Kupo spider-thing play into the picture?" Zell asked curiously.

Kiros politely corrected, "_Katipo_, Midnight Katipo.".

"Kupos are nuts," Rinoa pointed out with a slight chuckle as she pulled away from Squall. "Leave it to you to get nuts and spiders confused."

…Then again, leave it to Zell to make her smile when she felt like this.

"Geesh, it's not like I'd make the mistake if they were side by side or something. Give me some credit…I'm not going to feed a venomous spider to the neighborhood Mog." Zell looked over at Rinoa with a grin and a wink. "Might try to feed the spider to Irvine, but never a poor, innocent Mog. Still, that doesn't answer my question though - where do they come in? Uh…the spiders, not the nuts."

Kiros shook his head. Years of learning patience with Laguna seemed to be paying off with the next generation.

At that point, the bedroom door opened and everyone instinctually turned to look. It had taken some time to gather his thoughts, but Laguna finally walked out. Even if the President had been able to sort some things out, the truth was going to take days to comprehend, if not weeks. At least these last few minutes helped him to regain his composure. Laguna made his way to the only other unoccupied seat in the room, the matching chair directly across from Zell. The President didn't offer any words and nobody questioned him. The fact that he had very little sleep and was emotionally overwhelmed was evident to everyone.

Clearing his throat, Kiros continued with what he was trying to say before. "Getting back on track, I'm sorry Zell, but I can't say what the connection is for sure. I may have an idea, but I don't want to say anything until I can gather some concrete evidence."

Squall nodded in agreement. _Assuming_ wasn't something highly regarded in his field of work; in fact, it was quite the opposite. "I'm starting to think along those lines too. We'll have to find out."

In frustration, Rinoa placed her hands on her head, trying to figure out exactly what Kiros and Squall were implying. "…I'm_ so_ lost."

It was obvious that both men were able to make a reasonable, educated guess. Sure, there was a possibility that their assumptions might have been wrong, but at least she could follow their train of thought if they explained. As it was now, she was feeling like the outsider she had tried to fight against in the past. Zell had not given any indication either way whether he had followed or not, but it was her 'educated guess' that he had. The martial artist often understood more than he let on. She would even take a chance in saying that Zell's whole _Kupo nut_ exchange was for her benefit alone. That was exactly the type of thing her friend would do to try to lighten the mood.

Rinoa continued trying to plead her case of military ignorance. Although her childhood gave her some understanding, it certainly wasn't relative to the situation at hand. "Guys, I'm aware you two might be making some sort of assumptions, but frankly… I'm just really confused. At this point, I'll take a wrongly-made educated guess over complete cluelessness. Is there any way you could please clue me in? Maybe it's because I'm tired or stressed…or not able to think logically, but I'm not adding two and two right now. It's like everyone here knows some secret military code and I'm just lost...again."

Squall easily understood her confusion; moreover, he understood her frustration. In the past, he hadn't been good about explaining. Honestly, he often had lacked the patience required to explain things to someone who hadn't received identical training. He knew that during their fight with Ultimecia, she often felt like an outsider and, to a point, she was. But here, she _wasn't_. Rather than being there by happenstance, this time he had asked for her help. The least he could do was make sure her understanding was on par with the rest of their makeshift team.

"Rin, it would be unlikely for a normal medical facility to have that much defense, unless the goal wasn't as much medical as it was 'research.' If the code name had to do with a venomous spider, chances are…"

Laguna finally spoke, finishing his son's sentence. It was his country – adverse history and all. "…They were experimenting with some sort of poison."

"You mean on people?" Rinoa questioned, looking at the President in shock.

"_Maybe_...it's a possibility. Or it could have been experiments with animals, plants, or even the environment…but knowing what I found when we took office, I can guarantee it wasn't good."

Squall couldn't even look at her when he said it. "War isn't always ethical."

"Rinoa, it's a part of Esthar's past and unfortunately can't be changed." Laguna offered her a reassuring smile as it was the only encouragement he could muster. "But I can promise that I'll do everything in my power to stop it from happening again. Whether it's experiments on sorceresses' powers, para-magic, or chemical warfare – history isn't going to repeat itself. But please remember…it's all speculation at this point. Let's just be thankful for what we know now that nobody knew before today – a name. Duncan Sirtis."

It was then that Kiros proposed an idea to the others. "Not to intrude, but I'd like to offer a suggestion. There's a chance it may take me a day or so to hear back from my contacts. So, it may be easier for everyone involved if you were to be more accessible. Although the Presidential Palace is massive, the living quarters are private, plus there are more than adequate resources for research. Of course, that is, if this is all right with Laguna."

"Yes, that would be…easier," the President stated almost reluctantly.

Laguna didn't want to seem overly enthusiastic about the situation. He was torn on how to react; they were obviously testing boundaries and pushing too far was a real concern. In the past, Squall never once came to visit on his own accord. The only time the commander had even stepped foot in the upper floors of the Palace was before heading into space and that was an entirely different situation. As Balamb's Commander, Squall had attended a few required events, but most of those were located in a lower ballroom and, true to form, he would often disappear just as quickly as he would arrive.

So when Squall remained silent, Zell took the reins as temporary leader. Before any decision was reached, he thought it was best to ask a few questions. "Um, yeah, what about Palace security, aren't they both inside and out? I'm not sure how we could even get there…aren't we going to be seen going upstairs? And once we got in, how safe would it be?"

"Very safe, but your concerns are understandable. First, please realize that Esthar isn't the same as Galbadia. We still have relative freedom – just like we're alone here now. It's not as if Laguna has several escorts at any given time, it's usually one of his aides, two at most. As far as getting past security, if you and Squall rode back with us, nobody would check the car and as the windows are tinted, that would be fairly straightforward. Rinoa can follow behind with your vehicle. That would be searched and it would actually draw more attention if we requested it not to be. Although not terribly stringent, Esthar does have standard protocol. Still, there shouldn't be any concern as we're aware the van's primary function is for surveillance and you're an extension of SeeD trying to locate a killer."

Since Kiros was more articulate with outside security, Laguna let him explain. However, when it came to his personal residence, the President knew that situation all too well.

"…And getting you into my quarters isn't that complicated. I have a private lift and am on my own now…I've never been one for servants or anything like that, if that's what you're wondering. There are cleaners that come in three times a week since Kiros and Ward _insisted_." Laguna said the last part rather sarcastically, giving his friend a sideways glance.

"Precautionary measures," Kiros stated, folding his arms over his chest. It wasn't in his nature to roll his eyes, but the look he gave Laguna could pass as his equivalent.

"Get a few stray cookie crumbs in a keyboard…_or two_, and it apparently becomes an international incident," Laguna shot back. "But crumbs aside, I can easily reschedule the cleaning crew."

Zell raised an eyebrow. "Crew?"

"There were _a lot_ of crumbs," Kiros uncharacteristically joked.

"Whatever," Laguna countered before moving on, "There are three people, technically it's more like a mini-crew…and there were not _that many_ crumbs. But again, it's a non-issue, because I can easily cancel. …And Ellone moved out some time back and into her own place on the east side. It's likely she'll insist on checking in, even if I do try to tell her I'm okay… She'll still need to call up from the front gate, so there's plenty of time to get out of sight. I'll probably end up saying Rinoa is staying with me for a bit… Elle would actually feel better knowing that I wasn't alone. As far as anything else, I'm on the top floor. There's a patio thingy that overlooks a courtyard, and a few smaller balconies, but as long as you don't go outside, I don't foresee a problem."

If there was one thing Rinoa had learned in the last few years, it was that opportunities were often little and far between. The fact that Squall had actually taken a step towards building a relationship with Laguna, albeit under some duress, was a marvel onto itself. The fact that she saw another opportunity was nothing short of a full-blown miracle, by the gods, she was going to take it. He could, and most likely would, complain later. Things had changed, but some habits die harder than others.

Rinoa was going to speak for everyone, even if _'everyone'_ didn't want her to speak for them. "Well, Laguna, I guess all those times you offered for me to come and visit are finally going to pay off – you're getting company."

It was with Rinoa's newest revelation that Squall finally spoke up, unsure of what the hell had just happened. He turned to her, softly trying to be civil about this whole thing. He didn't want to hurt Laguna's feelings, but he wasn't exactly comfortable sitting at the guy's breakfast table either.

"Rinoa, can we please discuss this for a moment?"

She was already fully-aware of his numerous objections. She had mentally noted, labeled, and filed away his many concerns in her mind; she had already overruled each and every one of them. Sadly, he was unaware that he had already lost his cause.

Rinoa looked at him, smiling sweetly. "No, I already decided. I'm a democracy of one."

"That's not the definition of-"

"I vote in favor too." Zell grinned as he voted, raising his hand for show. In most cases, going against a superior was a bad move, but in this particular instance, he wanted to be on the winning side.

"Ah ha! Now it really is a majority," Rinoa said triumphantly.

"Still, you're both missing the point. SeeD is not a democracy."

"No, you're missing the point. I'm not a SeeD and, as far as_ that_ goes, look me in the eyes and tell me when was the last time you actually decided to follow an order?" As they stared intently at one another, he could easily see his defeat. She was hell-bent on her decision and taking her stubbornness into account, any battle was moot.

She lit-up at her victory, elbowing him lightly in the ribs. "Good. Now, get over whatever objections you may have and suck it up."

At this point, it was just better for him to concede, albeit very reluctantly. "Whatever."

Rinoa tried not to let out a laugh as she looked across the room to see Zell sitting there, feet still up on the table, holding two thumbs up and a smile that was the textbook definition of 'cheesy.'

"I'm sure there are things you kids still need to do," Laguna started, before trying to correct himself. "Sorry, didn't mean kids, like as in _kid_-kids. It's just something I tend to call…not that you're not my kids-"

"They get it." Kiros interrupted before the President could continue babbling. If he persisted, the aide honestly believed that Squall would find any reason to back out. After decades of knowing the man, Kiros understood that Laguna was just excited. In the same amount of time, he also understood that Laguna often had trouble finding just the right words.

Although sometimes, when it truly counted, he _did_ find the right words at the right time – and earlier tonight, he managed just that.

Kiros closed the computer and started to put it back in the satchel. "I believe what Laguna was going to say is - why don't you start gathering your belongings and we'll head out as soon as possible."

Rinoa shrugged. "We really don't have anything. I have a bag in the bedroom, but it's still packed for the most part. We weren't really sure what was going to happen, I mean if we were sleeping in here tonight or in the van. So, figured it was easier to be able to pick up and leave quickly."

"Fair enough. So you're ready to head out?"

"I believe so." Rinoa looked between Squall and Zell, checking for any objections. Well, any _other _objections, besides the obvious ones Squall was most likely fighting against saying.

"All right, Laguna and I will head to our vehicle. We'll let you decide when it's best to make your move."

It wasn't long after that both Kiros and Laguna made their way outside. After they had closed the front door, Squall immediately stood up. Rinoa nervously mirrored his action, afraid that she had pushed too far this time.

He looked down, needing to reassure her. "Despite my personal objections, you made the right decision. Don't think otherwise. I'm just-" He rubbed the back of neck, looking away. "Never mind…it's not important. Why don't I go get your bag from the bedroom?"

"…Okay," she whispered, still holding on to some doubt.

Squall reached out, holding onto both of her shoulders. Taking a step forward, he looked down into her eyes – he wanted to make sure she really understood.

"Rinoa, it's fine. I'm not upset. It's just…slightly overwhelming." He leaned down, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. With a thin smile, he drew her into a hug. "Hey, let's look at this as a new experience for both of us – it's going to be an adventure, for sure."

He kissed her on the head one last time before they parted. She watched as he started to walk into the bedroom and immediately she could feel someone resting on her shoulder. She turned to see Zell standing there with his cheesy grin from earlier still fully intact.

"You're loving this, aren't you?" she questioned, although it was rhetorical on just about every level known to man.

"Very much. Fully-stocked refrigerator, extra-soft mattresses, the Presidential Palace… I'm movin' on up, baby."

"Baby? Really Zell, that's creepy." She leaned on him too, still joking around. "I'm actually kind of sad… I've never been to a spa before - there goes my chance to try a mud-bath…although the thought of relaxing in mud just seems so very wrong."

"Oh yeah, they have tons treatments that make being covered in mud look like a walk in the park. I seriously wanted you to try the miniature-fish therapy. There's like a thousand small fish in a tank and they nibble at the dead skin on your feet…. Cuz' I wanted to know how weird that felt."

She looked at him in utter confusion and a tad amount skepticism. "Tell me you're kidding…and more importantly, why do you even know this?"

"Sorry, I was bored in the bathroom. There were pamphlets to read, need I say more? I mean, it was either read about spa-stuff or brood in a corner like Squall… I chose to educate myself in the ways of the spa."

"I love you Zell, and don't ever change, but I'm not having fish eat dead skin off my feet. Not happening. Ever. But if you want to try it that badly… seems like a good wedding present for you and Alex. I'm sure she'll be overjoyed at the prospect. Nothing says romance like a thousand miniature fish eating your flesh."

"Hehehe," Zell teasingly elbowed Rinoa as they stood waiting. "Speaking of romance…"

"What are you going on about now? And did seriously say 'hehehe' like a bubble over a comic strip character?"

The martial artist gave her a large smirk. "Yes, yes I did. Do you want to know why?"

"Most likely not."

"Probably true, but I'm going to tell you anyway."

"Most likely so," she deadpanned, already dreading his answer.

"Do you realize that when you check-out, it'll look like you met Kiros in a hotel for a few hours? All by yourselves, _alone…_you know what the staff might think?" He raised his eyebrows before giving her a suggestive wink.

She pushed him away, horrified. "Really? Really! That amuses you? I beg of you_, I implore you_… for the sake of your girlfriend and my sanity, stop hanging around Irvine! I'm giving you a pass because I'm tired, it's late, and we've all had a rough day…but so help me, when this is over, I'm kicking your ass."

At that point, Squall walked out of the bedroom with Rinoa's bag hanging over his shoulder. He looked between the two friends and decided that whatever had caused that reaction from Rinoa, he was better off being left in the dark. Sometimes in life, especially _his life_, ignorance was bliss. He continued walking by and, without breaking his stride, reached for Rinoa's hand.

Zell stood as the two of them headed to the front door. "Your girlfriend threatened to kick my ass."

"Good," the commander shot back over his shoulder, "I'm sure it's well deserved."

 

 


	21. Statistical Probabilities, Shattered Mirror, and The Arsenal of Freedom

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**Chapter Sixty-One: Statistical Probabilities**   
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__Getting into the Palace was nearly as simple as Laguna predicted it would be. They had made it past the checkpoint without the President's car being searched. For Squall and Zell, it was as simple as ducking onto the backseat floor. Honestly, they didn't even need to do that; it was strictly a precautionary measure. Rinoa had also made it through, albeit very nervously. She couldn't help but be slightly worried, although at that point, she had no real reason. At least she handled the whole ordeal with a little more grace than earlier with the resort's guard.

After parking in a remote area in the garage, the group found themselves next to the entrance of a lift. The elevator appeared to be private, specifically intended for Laguna and possibly any 'informal' guests to his residence. Even by appearance, it was different than the standard modes of transportation in Esthar.

Kiros had already taken his leave, which left the three of them to test the waters at Laguna's. The President was trying his best to act casual but, just as Rinoa found earlier, it was almost impossible to suppress one's natural personality. Even though he was placing the pressure on himself, Laguna couldn't do anything to curb his anxiousness. This fact was obvious to everyone, but nobody minded and given what the older man had gone through lately, it was almost expected.

After they boarded the lift, Laguna nervously shifted his weight, unable to stand still. In his entire life, he had never spent this much time around his son. It was difficult for him to find an emotional balance, not to mention, he was trying to do his best to be a decent host.

"So, this is going to be…new for all of us, huh?"

"Yes it is." Squall stated as if the answer was obvious.

"Well, um, when we get up there, make yourselves comfortable. Think of my place as your place and so forth and so forth… So, yeah, basically if you have any questions, just ask."

Laguna winced. It seemed that the longer he had to think about everything, the more tongue-tied he became. He had done better when he was caught off guard; he only wished that ability had lasted beyond the first ten minutes of the reunion.

There was a slight jerking motion as the lift stopped and the doors opened; Laguna and Squall unknowingly discovered another piece of common ground - they were both thankful _that _was over. Not that the commander found his current situation any less bleak, but at least he didn't feel quite as trapped as he did. It had felt more like a prison cell than an elevator; of course, that comparison was most likely due to his mindset.

The three guests found themselves in an exterior hallway of the residence. From here, one could see that this path opened into a larger, still informal area. Squall gathered that they were currently in an area most likely off the kitchen. As they came in such round-about way, Squall deduced this may have been originally intended for palace staff and deliveries. Now it was just easy access for the President and his guests...Squall understood not wanting others to wait or take care of him. He was not too surprised to find that Laguna also shared this belief. It wasn't exactly the social-circle either of them had been raised into.

The trio didn't speak as they went through the kitchen. Laguna mumbled something about the refrigerator, specifically pointing to it out as they passed by. In all honesty, Squall found it was hard to pay attention to his host. He used to feel an overwhelming need to drown the man out, well, _most people out_, and when Squall was tired - his subconscious often fell into learned habits.

Still, the commander had made a personal promise that he would give this man a chance…but that 'chance' had already filled today's quota patience. There was always tomorrow. What surprised Squall the most about Laguna's home was the amount of artwork he had - the whole place seemed to be a museum of sorts, including several glass sculptures around. Then again, given the continent, the commander shouldn't have been too surprised.

The commander would never understand Esthar's obsession with glass and mirrors. It was like a whole country full of people who shared Zell's affinity for things that sparkled and shined in the sun. From their buildings' architecture, to their roads translucent roads, and even their use of traditional white roads – Squall believed this entire place often seemed more like a goddamned museum than a functioning metropolis.

Squall could recall a lesson in a history class. The students had been taught that the city of Esthar expected its roads to be clean enough so that its citizens' long robes would never get dirty. In the times of Adel, it was a very punishable offence if the robe looked anything but pristine. He above anyone else appreciated tidiness, but this placed really pushed the envelope on so many levels. It was extremely ironic that Laguna Loire, _maker-of-the-cookie-crumbs_, was now this nation's leader.

As they reached the main living area, Squall glanced to a wall on the far side that drew most of the room's focus. From end to end, the entire wall was covered in hundreds of pictures - different frames, different sizes, and from what he could tell, different subjects, but they all fit together to form a fascinating puzzle. He couldn't make out much detail from this distance, nor did he currently have the inclination to walk closer, but he did mentally note to come back and study it later. He had genuine curiosity about the collage. Glancing over quickly at Rinoa, it was obvious by the way she was staring at the wall that she shared his fascination.

Laguna stopped abruptly, nearly causing a small collision with those walking behind. Squall thought he seemed to be suddenly frazzled by something, although it was anybody's guess as to the reason.

…As for Laguna, he _was_ frazzled.

The man was frazzled, frayed, and generally befuddled. He really needed to know how to accommodate his guests – mostly, he really needed to know how _to ask_. This next question was going to come out rather uncomfortable no matter how he tried to phrase it but, knowing him 'uncomfortable' was most likely a vast understatement. Reaching back, Laguna rubbed the nape of his neck and wondered exactly how to say this.

Truthfully, his son's love interests and affairs were none of his business. Unfortunately though, this was personal to him on a secondary level. After all was said and done, the President didn't want Rinoa hurt by any of this. He was worried that she'd be dragged back into something, solely caught up in the emotion of the moment – something that he had quite the expertise in. If Raine had suddenly appeared, Laguna doubted he would see things clearly. It might have been a very different situation, but wearing blinders was easy to do when emotions were involved.

Laguna would move the world for his son - that was never a doubt. But as much as he loved him, he also knew that Rinoa and Squall's priorities didn't always align with one another. There was no blame in that – they just had two different personalities. In the past, Laguna had never taken a 'side' because he could see each as individuals, with a different set of goals in life.

Worse yet, as far as Laguna knew, Squall had a girlfriend back in Balamb that he was still attached to. Without being privy to details, the President was afraid this would end badly, as someone was bound to get hurt. This is where he found it hard to remain objective. He had met Lauren and had no ill-will towards her, but he couldn't help but pull for Rinoa. All he had to do was look at the way his son introduced each of the women to him. There was a difference between simple acceptance and proud (yet understated) enthusiasm, the latter was how Squall acted when he informed his father he was dating Rinoa.

Still, in his mind, Laguna couldn't assume that just because Squall was alive, and he and Rinoa were currently working together, that they were 'together-together.' As the entire group had touched on earlier, assumptions often got people into trouble. Laguna certainly didn't need any more misunderstandings in life.

"I know you guys are probably tired and want to head off to bed… So…um…will you be needing one room or two?"

Squall had snapped out of his earlier trance, at least enough to be irritated. "Two. What kind of question is that?"

…_That_ went about as 'smoothly' as Laguna had expected. Taking a step back, he subconsciously tried to distance himself. It was humiliating that his heart had jumped to the wrong assumptions and, even though his mind vehemently warned against it, he still wanted to believe.

Of course, if the man could learn to properly read his mind's warning signs, he would have had the foresight to abandon explaining.

"Sorry, I hope that didn't offend either one of you. I was just thinking... Call it silly, but with everything that happened, I was thinking that maybe you two would have, um…wanted to share a room. Wait, wait - it's not that I'm advocating you two sleeping in the same bed or, you know, hoping that you two were going to-"

Laguna paused, horrified what he had just said or whatever he had implied. He was Squall's father and if he had continued speaking, it would have ventured into rather uncomfortable territory. The President prayed to any deity that would listen - to please grant him a 'do-over.' Maybe this time, he'd take a little more caution from those damn warning signs.

"Wow, I'd love to start over. It's just that I honestly wasn't sure how many rooms everyone needed and I was trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements. I didn't know if you two were sharing a room…."

When he no longer focused on explaining, he managed articulate to articulate more clearly. "In my mind, I know that Squall's involved with someone back in Balamb, but in my heart, that hasn't ever seemed real, but those are my issues and I shouldn't project them onto you two. I've always respected both of you, and should extend the same to Lauren. Even me asking the question was inconsiderate and crossed a line... I hope that you can forgive me. Your relationship isn't my place, I'm sorry. I just honestly love both of you and I want you to be happy – no matter who you end up with."

It had taken Squall long enough to figure out what the hell Laguna was trying to say and then slightly longer to wade through his attempt at an apology. Squall was horrified with his earlier misinterpretation.

"Oh dear god, you meant _Rinoa and I_ in the same room."

"Uh, yeah?" Laguna replied, not understanding his son's confusion.

Rinoa couldn't help it as she broke out into hysterical laughter. The martial artist couldn't help but join in, as it was only the two bystanders who seemed to have understood all along. Rinoa had quickly realized that Squall had originally thought Laguna was talking about them and then Zell. That's why he was irritated with his father's question – of course they wouldn't want to share a room with the martial artist. She gathered that Laguna was hesitant to ask about Rinoa and Squall sharing a room, not knowing the status of the relationship. It was a logical question, and Squall's reasoning was also logical. Thankfully, she had the benefit of knowing both men and how their minds tended to operate.

The sorceress thought back on this evening. Tonight, anytime that she and Squall where holding hands or showing anything that extended beyond a platonic relationship, Laguna wasn't in the room. So as far as the President knew, they were nothing more than close friends.

It was almost comical how bad all their communication skills currently were – even including herself. Even now, she had a hard time jumping in to clarify, because to her, the mental image was too damn funny – then again, that could have been extreme tiredness talking.

Squall turned away, mumbling something that Rinoa couldn't quite make out. That was most likely a good thing; her laughter could have easily added fuel to the already irritable 'fire' that was Squall. While she tried to regain her composure before it got out of hand, Zell had luckily come to the same conclusion. In an attempt to salvage this awkward situation, she took a step forward and placed her hand on Laguna's arm.

"Don't worry, I understand what you meant…and we both appreciate your concern."

Rinoa turned to look back at Squall, squinting her eyes as if to silently warn him to tread lightly. In his _attempt_ to make peace and put this disastrous evening behind, he nodded as if to agree. Satisfied with this small victory, Rinoa turned towards Laguna and offered him a genuine smile.

"To answer your earlier question, we need two rooms in _total_. Zell will be in one, while Squall and I will be staying together in the other. And yes, we're working through the Lauren issue and it wasn't something we took lightly. As far as the details go, in some aspects those are kind of complicated... I promise, we'll explain what we can tomorrow - when _all of us_ are hopefully more coherent."

"_You'll_ explain tomorrow," Squall corrected.

"Fine, as Mr. Cranky so eloquently pointed out, _I'll _explain what I can tomorrow…that's a promise. But for now, I think we all could really use some decent rest."

As Laguna grinned, he was easy to agree to those terms. "That'll be great. It's all great."

Squall listened to the exchange and took the second part of his father's response not to be about tomorrow's explanation, but about their relationship. _It was great_. Squall realized this days ago and every moment since. Even with the missions ups, and downs…and seemingly even_ more_ _downs_, it was worth every second of the risk he took. Just to seal that thought, or to play on his father's confusion, he wanted to close this moment with a trace of spontaneity.

After Rinoa gave Laguna a goodnight hug, she stepped away, retaking her spot next to the commander. What happened next completely took her off guard as well as the room's two other not-so-casual observers. Rinoa was taken by surprise, feeling Squall softly grabbing her and then edging her towards him. He skillfully snaked one arm around her waist; his other hand reached out and tilted her chin upwards. Bending down, he gave her a kiss on the lips.

"I'm not cranky," he insisted, momentarily reveling in the shock contained within her eyes.

The kiss wasn't long, but given his history with 'public' affection, it could have been viewed as an eternity. Before, Squall rarely made physical contact - outside the times they were alone and it was never without prompt. It was usually her that initiated contact and he would_ sometimes_ follow her lead. What Squall hadn't realized was just how easy being around her was becoming, even acts that he would have struggled with in the past now seemed almost natural. He enjoyed having the ability to surprise her, not to mention, to surprise everyone else around him.

Of course, Zell had a few 'surprises' over the last few days he could have lived without. "Yeah, and if you think this is uncomfortable, you should have heard their conversations in the van…awkward,_ awkward_, and more _awk-ward_. I'm still trying to scrub the mental pictures from my mind."

* * *

In a matter of minutes, Laguna managed to throw together adequate sleeping arrangements. A lot had transpired today since waking up outside Fisherman's Horizon and whether physically or emotionally drained, everyone was glad to have to get some rest. For Squall, this was time to unwind and begin to come to terms with his situation.

After tossing their bags onto the bed, Squall started to wonder around the room. Rinoa eyed him curiously and decided that he was either taking in every little detail, or planning his escape.

It left her with great confusion when he appeared to focus on a final destination. To her surprise, he walked to a medium-sized oil painting on the far wall. It was, ironically, a still-life of a bowl of fruit. Rinoa studied him, studying the pictures and both observers seemed fascinated by their subjects.

Shaking his head and crossing his arms, Squall turned back to look at her with an expression of that equally piqued her interest.

"Well, we're here. At Laguna's. In Esthar. There's fruit on the wall."

"Yes…yes we are and yes there is," she said slowly, unsure of where this conversation was headed. She hadn't a damn clue – one thing she could say as of late was he always seemed to keep her on her toes.

"_Fruit,_ Rinoa."

"Are you upset that they're not vegetables?" she asked in genuine curiosity.

He made a sound that sounded she took to be a disgusted laugh. "It's just when I think there's more to him…he has fruit on the wall. Some of the artwork and sculptures he has out there are beautiful, but then…he has fruit."

"Well, it's decently painted fruit, right?"

He was about to speak, but an all-too-familiar sound emanated from Rinoa's duffle bag.

As the phone rang, her mind temporarily blanked and her body became rigid. This didn't bode well for the rest of the evening. She didn't even want to look at Squall as she went over and started digging through the bag.

"I never called Zone after I arrived," she tried to explain.

He didn't even try to hide his aggravation anymore. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

In his opinion, this 'overprotective-thing' was getting downright ridiculous. Rinoa wasn't a five-year-old who needed checking in on every five minutes. That_ might_ have been a slight exaggerating on his part, but it didn't make his calling any less annoying.

Rinoa knew this concept was difficult for Squall to understand. At Garden, they expected independence and 'checking in' was usually only done from superior to subordinate. But out in the real world, people often worried – parents to children, husbands to wives, and even as in this case, friends to friends.

Under her circumstances, Rinoa never questioned Zone's concern. Sure, his calling may have been excessive, but he had her welfare at heart. Plus, she couldn't exactly tell Zone to stop calling because 'it was upsetting her supposedly-dead ex-boyfriend.' When she did tell him about Squall, it certainly wasn't going to be over the telephone; she had enough respect to look him in the eyes at tell him the truth.

"He's just worried. I promised him I'd call, but it kinda slipped my mind…considering."

"_Considering_ he has a thing for you?" It slipped out of his mouth before he knew, but at that moment, he didn't really care. It was the truth even if she didn't see it that way.

"Seriously?" She glared at him, angrily ripping the phone from the bag. "How about _considering_ I had to talk to your girlfriend today face-to-face?"

He said nothing, knowing that he couldn't possibly top that. Not that this was a competition on who could one-up the other, although when they argued, it often came across that way.

"Yeah, _thought_ so," she spat in irritation. Holding her hand up, she not-so-politely indicated for him to be quiet. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she opened the phone. Her mood instantly changed as if someone had flipped a switch - turning her voice from angered to overly saccharine.

"Before you say anything…Zone, I'm so, so sorry. So please, please forgive me. I know I promised to call when I arrived, but Laguna and I got talking earlier and you know how time has a habit of slipping right by me."

There was silence from her end as she listened. For a guy who usually didn't want to talk to people, the commander could think of _plenty _of things to say to Zone. After this mission, if there was one thing Squall never wanted to do again is have to sit through this hellish-torture. Rinoa was trying so hard to overcompensate the fact that she was doing all right that, in Squall's opinion, she often came across as flirty. He was afraid her tactic would eventually backfire on her.

The commander hoped that he was wrong, but Zone's intentions seemed as crystal-clear as the streets of Esthar. He would never stop believing that 'her friend' was using his death as chance to get closer to Rinoa. It was hard to convince her of this, although after the unwanted kiss a few nights ago, she might have been a little more open to his theories. Still, he couldn't say that without sounding like he was the one being selfish or downright jealous. He might not have liked Zone, but he understood how easy it was to have feelings for Rinoa. Squall couldn't fault him for that, but he could fault him for how he was going about it.

In the end, Squall was forced to stand back, listen, and hope that nobody would end up hurt.

"Oh sure… be that way, but how am I _not_ supposed to take that personally?" Rinoa laughed, before trying to sound threatening, "Oh yeah, well I'll remember that. You should be scared."

Squall tried his best to ignore half of what was going on. He was better off looking at the fruit.

She continued talking, purposely avoiding looking at Squall who was still standing on the other side of the room at this point. "Well, he's…as good as can expected, I guess. I don't think he's been sleeping… Hopefully tonight will help, I'm holding out hope that things will take a turn for the better."

A few more seconds of heavy silence passed until she ended up surprising Squall. In an instant, she turned to look at him, and by the expression on her face, something had upset her. Whatever Zone had said, caught her off guard.

When Rinoa looked at Squall she didn't see any traces of anger, only concern. Still, she tried to keep talking.

"Um…not that I believe? I think everyone's just leaving it to the people who know what they're doing. I know he wants answers, but right now, he's just trying to make it through the next day."

The fact was – she was beginning to feel uncomfortable and guilty, plus she honestly had problems talking about Laguna like this. Her irritation with Squall faded when the reality set in again. Here she was lying and on top of that, she felt as she was betraying Laguna to an extent. His grief was now nothing but another cover-up and it didn't feel right. It always seemed to be one damn lie after another.

…And to make it worse, she had purposely tried to use Zone to irritate Squall – because she knew she could. It was stupid on her part.

She wanted to blame it on being tired, but that didn't excuse her behavior when she did the same thing in the van. She wanted to blame it on the three years of being alone, but she wasn't blameless in that either. She wanted to blame it on seeing Lauren today, but if anything, she had been nauseatingly helpful.

The truth was - she wanted to make Squall jealous because years ago, he never seemed to care. Now he did.

She needed to put an end to this now. Looking up at him, she mouthed, "I'm sorry."

The commander knew that he had been partially to blame and the anger wasn't all toward Zone, although it most definitely was part of it. Instead of shying away, Squall walked over to the bed, taking the space beside her. As Rinoa listened on the phone, she gave into opportunity and leaned back onto his chest. And just as simply as that, he too was able to reign in any traces of earlier annoyance. Wrapping his arm around her, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head. This was his way of relaying the message, "_I'm sorry too,"_ without having to say the words.

"…Anyway, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. But yeah, I'm here and Laguna's been very welcoming."

She looked back and gave Squall a heartfelt smile. That to him was worth all the 'thank-yous' and 'I'm sorrys' in the world. It was also because of that smile that he would come to understand what she said next. He would realize the words weren't for Zone, but were really meant for him.

"I have no doubt that I made the right decision coming here. No matter the ups and downs, I don't regret it for a second. For once, I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be."

As rested against his chest, feeling his every breath, she was right – this is where she was supposed to be. Maybe Squall was right too – she was thankful for Zone's friendship but she didn't want to give him false hope. The only thing she should have been _'considering'_ earlier was that she was very much in love with Squall. Maybe it was time she could show him with her actions and not only her words.

"Zone… I'll call tomorrow, but maybe we can cut it down to once a day, or even every-other day, all right? I know how much you care and I swear to you - if I need anything, in any way, shape, or form you'll be at the top of my list. But I'm in Esthar, I'm safe, and I'm in good hands…the best actually. So trust in me, please?"

There was a short period of silence from her end, before she ended the conversation. "You too. I haven't had many true friends in my life – and I don't want to ever lose that. You've always been the best… but for now, goodnight."

Shutting the phone, she tossed it onto the bed. After a deep breath, she collapsed back onto Squall's chest as she let out a cynical laugh.

"You know, it's funny…I'm no longer lying to Zone about everything. I really am here in Esthar and staying with Laguna. How's that for predicting the future?"

"Things have a way of working out. Sometimes it just takes a little time."

"It's a good thing we both can be patient when we need to be." She pulled away, sitting so she could look him in the eyes. "Make you a deal…let's not talk about Zone, Lauren, Laguna or anything even semi-work-related for the rest of tonight."

"Deal," he agreed without elaboration on the subject.

To her surprise, Squall gently moved her to the side, making way so he could stand. With a serious look and something that qualified as only a borderline smile, he held out his hand to her.

"…_Okay_?" she drawled out, looking confused by his gesture.

"I'm going to go take a shower."

She stared at him, still suspicious._ "…And?"_

He was tired of holding out his hand and growing slightly impatient by her feigned innocence; she wasn't exactly clueless of his intentions here. Rinoa just really enjoyed the song-and-dance sometimes. Then again, so did he, but he'd never admit it willingly. So at this point, he reached down, pulling her up to her feet. He couldn't help himself; he was going to enjoy this dance for all it was worth.

He tried to sound as convincing as possible. "Studies show that you get a better night's rest if you shower right before you sleep."

"You're _totally_ making that up, Leonhart. What studies exactly?" She laughed as he pulled her tightly next to his body, leaving no space between them.

He kissed her gently and passionately; it was a combination that required skill and desire, right now he had both. Much to her protest, he pulled away, but never breaking eye contact. With as much authority as he could muster in his situation, he answered her earlier questions.

"For your information, I'm _totally not_ making it up. Actually, I'm currently in the middle of conducting these studies right now."

She smiled, leaning forward until their foreheads were resting together. "Knowing your thoroughness, I expect there will be charts, diagrams, and all sorts of graphs. Am I correct?"

"You know it," he whispered seductively. "Not to mention a catchy title, an abstract to highlight everything, a comprehensive outline… all that accompanied by a five page report detailing all the proof you'll ever need. Trust me, I can assure you that taking a shower is the best thing you can do for yourself right now."

"Well, who am I to argue with scientific data, right?"

* * *

When Squall woke up in the morning, it took some time to adjust to his surroundings. There were always those moments before he opened his eyes where his mind would try to make sense of errant thoughts. He never did well sleeping in strange places, then again, he never did well sleeping _anywhere_. Then there were also those first moments of realization, when he would know that he wasn't alone. He could always sense a presence beside him before the memories would flood back.

He would have liked to say that waking up with someone was unfamiliar, but it wasn't. However, waking up with someone and not regretting or hating his actions was unfamiliar, but it was _that _feeling he was eager to grow familiar to.

It was still dark outside, waking up before dawn was nothing out of the norm for him. Instead of getting up without glancing back, another norm, he found himself able to relax, taking in the essence of the person sleeping beside him. In her deep state of slumber, Rinoa appeared to be wrapped tightly in a blanket, holding it almost protectively around her.

This was one of those small, annoying habits of the past that he quickly was beginning to recall, from those few nights he woke up completely uncovered. She was one of the largest blanket-hogs he would ever most likely meet – and he loved her for it. The reality was she was less used to sharing a bed, but he believed this was one of those small 'hurdles' they could quickly surmount.

As his eyes adjusted, he could make out her hair as it cascaded over the pillow. It was almost impossible for him to make out where her hair ended and the shadows began. He allowed himself to smile, watching as her body would gently rise and fall with each breath. He had learned a long time ago there was no such thing as perfection, or an absolute angel, but why would he want _that_ when he could be with the most beautiful, stubborn, confusing, and at times the most irritating, person in the world?

Rinoa wouldn't have been pleased if she knew he was studying her so closely - she would feel completely awkward and way too self-conscious. The only time he could afford to take the chance was when he she wasn't aware; his being veiled in darkness also was a definite plus in this particular situation.

Still, as much as part of him wanted to stay, he found another part of him found it difficult to remain stationary. He just could not let his mind find complete peace – if complete peace was even an obtainable goal. There was so much looming over their heads, so much about this case to be sorted out. Carefully, he rolled out of bed as not to disturb her – sadly, this was something that he had some experience in, but again, the circumstances shouldn't even be compared. He gathered his clothing, got dressed, and then had a small epiphany: he had no place to go. There was no office to run to, no training center to practice in and, without waking others, no way to easily go over the case.

He was lost.

It was easy to over-think things when there were no distractions to occupy one's mind. In the room, there was a set of double doors that had been covered by a large set of curtain. Last night, its existence wasn't more than fleeting thought, but now he found it calling to him. From what he had surmised, the balcony was just like Laguna stated and opened to a private courtyard – surrounded only by the Palace. Nobody would be looking for him, nobody would be expecting him, and given that it was still dark, nobody would see him. It was probably a foolish move, but one that his mind, his sanity, needed him to take.

He turned and gave a final glance towards Rinoa, making sure she was still asleep, before he quietly opened the doors. Squall Leonhart stood alone on the balcony taking in his surroundings. Below him was an extensive garden, highlighted by fountains and sculpted statues; above him was the full moon, still visible even with the glow of a thousand lights. In front of him was the city and beyond that, the desert – the place where his past and future merged making their own crossroads in his life.

Esthar's air was crisp; there was always a certain feel to the air surrounding a desert country. Even though he was still within the confines of the city, that unmistakable feel lingered deeply. If he could stop, putting his resentment of this land behind him, maybe he could begin to see its beauty.

As he looked over the illuminated glass and towering skyscrapers, he couldn't help but feel as if today was different. There was no obvious reason, but it was a feeling that brought him a sense of peace. It was a rare, but beautiful, tranquility. Out here in the solace of thoughts, in the place of his nightmares, he was able to look at things with a newfound clarity. In that crisp desert air, he could feel the beginning of a change.

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Two: Shattered Mirror** _

* * *

_ **  
** _

It came as no surprise when she woke up alone.

There was no bitterness or resentment on her part; there were only memories of the night before. Truthfully, it would have been more surprising if he had still been in the bed. The fact that they woke up together in Timber was something she would never forget, but it was also something that she would never come to expect.

With a tired breath, Rinoa used these few last moments to stretch out her body's aches and pains. The combination of sleeping on the van's floor back in FH and the previous night's 'activities' made her realize the toll of working in an office environment had taken on her body. She made a mental note to spend more time working out, pondering the idea of starting an exercise regiment together with Squall. Maybe they could even use the spare bedroom for a home gym or, better yet, maybe they could finish off the basement and put it down there. The more she laid there and thought about it, the more the idea of planning a future was…

…Well, it was so damn ridiculous.

Getting up and tossing on clothes, the only thoughts in Rinoa's mind all seemed to circle back to the truth, which was nothing like these archaic notions she held in the past. The more she thought about the future, the more she realized how damn absurd this all was.

It was easy to live in this world of fantasy she was creating - hell, she wanted to believe in it so badly. She had these same dreams at seventeen and every time she thought she had moved past ideological bullshit, she was dragged back into that picture-perfect fantasy. No matter how many times Squall said he was leaving SeeD, it just never seemed to ring true; it was a pipedream momentarily shared between declarations.

Even after overhearing Squall's end of the conversation with the headmaster, the one stating this was to be his final mission, she still held onto her doubts. Seeing or, in this case, 'hearing' was believing and her younger self used to believe that anything was possible if one worked hard enough. Maybe it was time for Rinoa to take a lesson from her own past and believe anything was possible, even their relationship.

On the note of 'seeing is believing,' she winced as she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her hair seemed to have a mind of its own; apparently, falling asleep with damp hair wasn't the most intelligent move on her part. Then again, the events of last night were _so _worth having a bad hair day. It was obviously going to be a losing battle, so she opted to toss it back into a ponytail; her appearance wasn't exactly a priority at the moment. Right now, she had much more pressing issues at hand, like finding Squall.

There wasn't much to her deduction process, as figuring out where Squall had gone was limited at best. The most obvious choices were either outside or the bathroom and one quick glance towards the adjoining bathroom ruled out the latter. She also could make a fairly educated guess that he'd most likely avoid going into the living area to be 'social' with Laguna and although guesses and assumptions were frowned on in military work, in real-life hunches often proved helpful. Even now, it surprised her how easily he had agreed to staying here last night; she was expecting much more opposition on his part. Even if Squall would never admit to it, his 'lack of resistance' spoke volumes to her – deep down, he wanted to know his father on some level. Then again, that was most likely one of those 'hunches' that Squall would vehemently protest.

Drawing back the floor-length curtains, Rinoa looked through the glass doors and confirmed her earlier suspicions. He was standing at the railing, looking off into the distance. Even though she couldn't make out the expression on his face, she could sense overwhelming emotion; it was a feeling that encompassed both regret and sorrow. There was something so inherently personal about that moment and Rinoa felt as if her presence was going to be an unwelcomed intrusion. The problem was that Squall's solitude was bound to be broken; there was a lot of work today, something all of them were soon to face.

Then, an almost euphoric sensation dawned on her and, for the first time since she could remember, she wasn't concerned about the interruption. Squall wanted her with him; his actions had made that abundantly clear. He wanted to be with her and maybe it would never be perfect to most, but it would be perfect for their relationship. Going outside wasn't so much an intrusion as it would be offering him companionship. That was a feeling that was seemingly new to her; she would interpret it as a strong foundation towards their future.

When Rinoa opened the sliding doors, Squall didn't turn around; she could tell that he was aware however. The commander remained the ever-vigilant statue, never breaking his gaze. Rinoa still could feel the authority in his very presence. Even in a t-shirt and jeans, he looked as if he could take on the world.

She could have said something about him being on the balcony. She could have reminded him about the risk he was taking about being exposed, but it would have been all in vain. He was most certainly an adult and capable of making his own choices and weighed probabilities against possibilities for a living. As she neared, Rinoa momentarily hesitated and noticed how his silhouetted form was highlighted by the sun's early rays; it was seconds like this where she remembered how much she truly loved him, but she refused to let herself be hurt again.

He didn't turn around as she walked up behind him, wrapping her arms loosely around his waist.

"Squall?" Rinoa wondered why her hesitation often came across as a question.

"Morning. Sleep all right?"

She let out a deep breath as mischievous smile crept across her face. "You should know… you're the one conducting the studies."

"Oh yeah, forgot." He let out a something akin to a laugh, but it was more or less indifferent.

She could tell that his thoughts lay somewhere else, probably somewhere in the desert just beyond the horizon. On instinct alone, he reached down, moving his arms to where her hands met on his stomach. His eyes closed when she rested her head on his back and bowed his head downward. In that minute, he held on to her like a life preserver. He just needed to.

She knew that even though he was standing right in front of her, his mind could have been oceans away. It was a gamble, but she wouldn't let him do this to himself. He had spent so long in silence, even when it wasn't necessary.

"I don't think your theory worked for you." Her voice was barely above a whisper, filled with guilt that she had taken on herself. "Something tells me you didn't sleep well."

There was so much he wanted to tell her, so much he needed to say. When he got out of bed, he never thought his morning would turn out quite like this, but before he could stop himself or convince himself otherwise as he had done so many times before, he said something that changed everything for him.

Holding her hands tighter, he finally found the strength to admit it out loud. It was a step, a step he had no inclination he would be taking as he watched the sunrise, yet it was one that had been a long time in coming.

"I didn't sleep."

"What? …You mean you were up all night?"

He nodded his head remorsefully in agreement - although it wasn't an answer to the question she had _just asked_, but the one plaguing his mind. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to look back up into the distance, into the land of his past. "I should have stated that more clearly. Yes, I somehow managed a few hours last night, but I wasn't talking about last night..."

"Squall, you mean-"

"Yes, I do."

He stopped her before she could continue; he couldn't bear to hear to the words from her of all people. They both now shared the same train of thought and hearing her say the words would do anything but cement the blame.

In reaction, her body tensed as she honestly wasn't sure how to handle this. There were so many times in the past where she tried to get him to open up. At times, it worked to a degree, but even then there were barriers that had _never_ been broken, lines that were never once crossed. In the span of a few days, the dynamic of their relationship had already changed and it was obvious that the old rules no longer applied.

And really, that was a good thing; it just took some adjustment for each of them to accept.

She was grateful, but that never stopped her from trying to dissect things from every angle, often trying to overanalyze. It was a trait that evolved with her over their years apart. Rinoa had grown more analytic, where Squall had focused on trying more to live in the moment. Ironically, both would be influenced by the other even when they were apart.

Moving from behind, Rinoa walked up beside him, resting her elbows on the railing as she focused on the skyscrapers. Squall glanced her way momentarily. It was the first time he had seen her, _awake _at least, this morning. To him, the most telling part about this was that she hadn't prodded him further… no questions, no assumptions, and no blame. Maybe she had accepted his confession for what it was - a single moment of truth.

And because of her _inactions_, he found himself grateful. Stranger yet, it was her silent acceptance that made him want to say more – not because he felt like she needed to hear it, simply because he wanted to. He looked back out into city before he continued his explanation.

"I'm not sure why I didn't remember before...it seems obvious to me now. Yes, I had memories of being tired…but it seems like I've spent nearly my entire life being _tired._ I don't think my mind was able to differentiate between being tired 'then' and being tired 'always'… My life, my job, it was _always_ move forward,_ always_ push on. But during that mission…it wasn't just lack of sleep. It had gone into something more dangerous… three, four days, maybe more."

"Without any sleep?" she questioned softly. It was impossible for her to fathom; it was a nightmare she wouldn't even want to try imagine.

"None."

"That alone can…" Rinoa trailed off, knowing she would only be stating the obvious. He lived it; he already was well-aware of the inherent dangers it could have on one's body.

Even with Rinoa's limited combat experience, her days with the Timber Owls taught her how sleep deprivation could impair one's abilities. There was one night in particular that she could recall; Zone had been out for two nights doing reconnaissance. When he returned to the hideout, he found the others were starting an impromptu Triple Triad tournament. Instead of sleeping, he insisted on joining in.

Within the next hours, Zone was convinced that his personalized Shiva card was, in his words, trying to 'come onto him.' To her and Watts it was comical and they laughed, openly coaxing their friend to bed. Although they forced him to go to sleep as his behavior progressed, they could see the traces of the paranoia and hallucinations; Zone's beliefs spanned from his Shiva card both winking and 'flashing' him, to a Tonberry card trying to stab him when the others turned their backs.

Now, with distance and understanding, the situation wasn't funny in the least. She was sixteen back then and experiencing the world for the first time, encompassed so many new adventures. Rinoa hadn't exactly been sheltered, but she certainly had been monitored – just how dangerous it could have been never dawned on her. At the time, she mentally equated Zone's behavior due to sleep deprivation to that as if he had been intoxicated.

But that was only a card game, with a thankfully harmless outcome. It was one thing to find humor when a friend thought a paper likeness of a GF was trying to flirt with him, but in the midst of a true battle, either 'real' or only real in one's mind, it wasn't the least damn bit comical.

When Squall's mind couldn't differentiate allies from enemies, it wasn't even close to a game. If one coupled the commander's lack of sleep, with the stress already haunting him before he ever left Balamb, Zell was right, it really was a perfect storm in Squall's mind.

"I know, Rinoa, I know."

His response wasn't angry or hostile, just something he said to break the stillness. For once, he didn't want the silence, he needed the words, either his or hers, anything to keep himself from falling back into his mind.

So in that vein, he continued, "I was under the impression it was necessary for me to stay awake. I was responsible for them, for their training, but I doubted their abilities. The irony was – they should have been the ones to doubt mine."

As he gripped the rail, he glanced down as Rinoa's hand gently rested over his. They exchanged looks, without words, a moment of shared remorse. For all his life, Squall needed to let go when he wasn't in charge, especially as it dealt with trusting others. When it felt like what he knew to be comfortable was going to be challenged – he'd always return to the state of solitude he knew. He really had learned something from her over the last three years, proving that much last night.

Squall wanted to trust again but the only way to do that now was by admitting the truth. "In the end, it was easy for Garden to say it was a faulty radio – a bad transmission blamed on a rebel group. Hell, for awhile, they had me believing it. If you repeat a lie for long enough, it somehow becomes the truth in some twisted way. The message was most likely fine, but it came down to a moment of comprehension. Maybe if one of the cadets had heard it and not the person who hadn't slept, my life wouldn't be a constant series of _what-ifs_."

Then again, if this was about truth, he needed to be honest with not only himself but with her. She would never understand completely, but the words needed to be said.

"Rinoa, maybe that isn't entirely true. I'd been questioning a few of my personal decisions, and my _indecisions_, months before."

She immediately knew what 'the few other things' he was talking about – their relationship. A few years ago, she would have taken it personally and she might have even had some right to take offence, but the fault was always theirs to share. The problem that she didn't see back then was that they couldn't base a future on an unstable foundation. No ring, no forced vows, or no commitment neither would be fully invested in, would suddenly make all their problems go away. It was idealistic, but never realistic. She had retracted her hand from his, instead mirroring his actions of intently grasping the rail.

… And their joint silence spoke volumes for the entire world to hear.

It was a subconscious act on his part, but Squall realized that now that his hands were freed, he had been twisting the Griever ring on his finger. He stopped immediately only to have it also occur to him that, adding insult to injury, he was mimicking the actions of his father. One spun Griever this morning, one their wedding ring last night, but it was a nervous trait shared by both.

"Rinoa, I don't expect you to say anything,"

Being the aggressor on the balcony this time, she turned, pulling him into a loose embrace while resting her head on his shoulder. "Sometimes, I don't have to_ say_ anything."

"…And sometimes _I do_," he whispered into her ear.

"And you did."

Combing his fingers through her hair, he stared off into the distance. She was right – _he did._ The guilt he harbored for so long would never fully dissolve; however, years of therapy hadn't given as much clarity as the last few days. Even after he finally admitted the facts, he felt no different; there was no huge weight lifted from his shoulders. Just saying the words didn't have the ability to turn back time.

The truth was _never _going to set him free – it was only going to help him begin to move on…there would never be any true justice for any of them. There never could be. The only thing he could do was move forward and beyond the safety zone he had for nearly twenty years. He had a home now, it just wasn't at Garden.

He was going to move forward, but there was one last thing he needed to ask of her. He stepped from their embrace, stepping back, but making sure that both of their hands remained together.

"Rinoa, would it be possible to ask for a favor?"

She smiled, but inwardly was very curious. "After everything else, I think I can handle it. It's not really like you have to ask, you know? You know I'll do whatever is in my power for you."

"Well, I've been told it's polite in the real world to ask first and I'm trying to brush up, considering… I think I'll do slightly better in the private sector without always barking orders."

"But you bark them so well, plus then it gives you and Angelo something in common."

He chuckled softly, looking back at with utter astonishment. "Only you Rinoa, only you."

She shrugged, "What can I say…I'm still caffeine-less. So before we remedy that, what's this favor you want to ask?"

He let go of both of her hands, rubbing the back of this neck. He wasn't sure how to say this and after everything this morning, he was surprised that this had somehow made it to the forefront of his mind.

"Yeah, um, Rinoa, it's just that…I don't want Laguna to know about what happened here – _before_. In a way, I know I don't have to ask you as you'd never say it openly, but given the circumstance, it's just not something I want out there..."

"…_you'd never say it openly."_ The words echoed in her mind. She knew that it wasn't his intent to make her feel guilty, but it wasn't her intent to betray his trust either. She did. She said it 'openly' and now she'd always have to live with that. Rinoa wished she hadn't told their friends, but it was another hurdle in their relationship that could never be wished back.

"Stop that," he said softly. Reaching up, he rested his hand on her cheek, forcing her eyes to make contact with his. "I wasn't meaning_ openly_ as in telling Quistis and Selphie. I get that the circumstances warranted the truth and honestly you should have never been put in that position. It should have been me. That simple. I've said before and I'll say it again: don't dwell on that. I'm sure in that mind of yours which makes you - _very you_ \- you somehow see it as some sort of betrayal of _my _trust but don't…because I betrayed yours long before."

She gave a feeble smile, but it proved difficult. Still, the fact that he could read her thoughts so plainly, even in the midst of _this_, it meant something to her.

"All right."

Now it was his turn to offer a reassurance. "I'm taking that as an 'all right' for both things… you will no longer feel guilty - plus you understand it's something I don't want Laguna to live with."

She nodded with a little more enthusiasm. "It is and I do understand but…"

"And Rinoa, before you say it, yes, I do believe he would understand or, at least, as much as one possibly can. It's not a matter of pride or that I don't think he would think less of me. My reasoning isn't anything like that. So before you stand here and argue his good points here…I agree, well, to an extent."

"Okay."

"Hey, aren't I the one infamous for one word answers?" He tried to lighten her mood, but without his reasoning he knew this would be moot. This wasn't going to be easy to admit, maybe more so than his failed mission and maybe because part of this did actually hinge on pride. He moved his hand from her cheek and turned back around, retaking his early position on the rail.

"Rinoa… he doesn't need to know. There is no good that could come out of telling him. This favor really isn't about any perceptions of me; believe me, it's about putting him through a feeling both you and I are going to deal with for the rest of our lives. I can tell you a thousand times, a million times, not to feel guilty, but you will… I will too. No words will change that and, God help me, he doesn't need to know this feeling too. We know how he's held on to Raine all these years; his entire past is comprised of nothing but guilt... It's just that now, even after getting caught up in the moments like last night, I just can't feel the same bitterness toward him. In fact, in some ways, I understand him and that scares the hell out of me."

It was almost a perfect moment, as perfect moments went in their lives. Rinoa truly had never admired and respected him so much; even in admitting his faults she found strength. He was beautiful in a way he would never know. She didn't care that they were in the open air of Esthar, or could have been watched by an entire city, all those things had been blown hours ago. As she took a step towards him, he seemed to understand. Again, the words in that moment were laced in the silence.

It was moments like this, when a kiss went far beyond the physical boundaries of a kiss, that he would never forsake this chance he was given. Duncan Sirtis may have been the reason that led them back to one another, but they were the ones who brought themselves closer. It was making love in the rain, the confirmation in her office, intimate confessions in the van, and the maturity and will to understand the magic that was truly at stake. All their arguments, irritation, and misinterpretations of one another would always be there – but it was this moment that made every tear worth the prize.

Squall had learned a few years ago that sometimes one kiss can be more personal, more private and more amazing than emotionally-devoid sex. Some people could live this way, some people had no problem with that lifestyle and he couldn't fault them. It was a choice, one that he had made with others, but one whose sole purpose was punishing himself.

It was a lesson he had pushed upon himself – one that forced him to look himself in the mirror many nights and mornings. He hated it and wanted nothing more than to shatter that damn mirror – his own reflection made bile rise in his throat. He hated himself and the person he had become. As much as he tried to move forward, it was memories that tied him to the past, but he swore that she would make a difference. She loved him once and that had to mean something. So he never shattered that mirror, but God there were days he wanted nothing more than smash it with his fist.

In the end, one resentful shooter, one near-fatal bullet, one over-heard confession at a funeral, and the biggest deception ever perpetuated by Garden gave him this – everything. One bullet gave him a second chance with her, a chance to try to understand Laguna, and a chance to essentially get his life back. In a way, he could shake this man's hand when they found him. He wouldn't, of course, but wouldn't the world be in for a shock if he did.

As they finally parted, Squall was the first to act - as much emotion as he had just built up, he needed to become grounded. The best way to ease the mood was to turn this 'morning confessional' around on her, plus he really did love it when she tried her best to act innocent. He would classify it as 'cute,' but that would most likely lead to a more irritated Rinoa. So cunningly, the commander grabbed her hand and led her to the sliding doors, acting as if they were going to go inside. But, in true 'surprise your enemy' fashion, he stopped and turned towards her.

Folding his arms, he began his stealth attack, "By the way, I don't believe I'm the only one here with something to confess, Miss Heartilly."

Squall cocked an eyebrow accusingly in her direction. For some reason, she found herself worried that his comment was in reference to the ring, which was about as far from the truth as one could get. Here he was trying to lighten the mood and she feared he was only going to make it more intense.

Maybe because during that kiss for a second, just a _split second_, she wondered what it would be like married to him. It was a fleeting thought, one that she tried to repress since she ran out into the rain-soaked streets nights ago, but the more that albatross lingered between them, the more she grew to resent it. Maybe when she got home, she'd take that damn thing out of the drawer and just hand it over to him, along with the millions in Gil still sitting in her account – another thing they seemed to have conveniently left out of their conversations.

When she remained silent, he started to fill in the blanks. "Rinoa Elizabeth Heartilly, I don't think you're as innocent as you lead others to believe...in fact, given the opportunity, you have proven to be quite cunning. If you're still in the dark, I'm referring to your little stunt last night. I believe you intentionally kept Laguna talking – fully-well aware that I didn't have a choice but to listen. Very sneaky and underhanded, and _almost _surprising coming from you."

"Oh that!" She let out a relieved laugh. This most definitely was an easier subject to handle before a cup, or more likely _a pot_, of coffee. Her laughter continued as did his explanation.

"As I see it, I was trapped in a bathroom with Zell, while listening to Laguna, which to me is the near-literal definition of 'between a rock and a hard place.' If you had managed to get Seifer in there somehow, you would have managed the trifecta of irritants in my life."

"What _you _see as sneaky and underhanded, _I_ see as clever and conveniently-timed strategy. We need to work on your positivity again, don't we Leonhart? And let us not forget, as your subordinate Zell so skillfully pointed out, there was an escape window slightly above the tub. So, in my eyes, that means it was completely_ your_ choice to stay there. You could have implemented plan-B after all. Plus, I thought you and Seifer were _besties_ now."

Squall had never been so horrified at a single word in his entire existence. "God, you somehow made me just appreciate BFFs, that's an accomplishment in its own right. And while I and Seifer and I are…in communication, he still irritates the hell out of me. The friendship relies heavily on the fact that talking isn't a necessity, but watching a fishing line is. Does wonders for people without social skills, but nice derailing, it's about your deception, Heartilly."

"Sorry, I believed derailing was an accepted Garden technique. I'll brush up on policy later… _but_ if anybody here was sneaky and underhanded, I'd say it was you. Trying to use science to get me in the shower."

The commander moved so he was pinning her against the glass door, one hand on either side of her shoulders to prevent any thoughts of escape. "So, are you stating for the record that you _did_ _not _enjoy last night's research?"

She shrugged indifferently. "It had its merits, I suppose."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes, but never yielded from his position.

"Oh, now look who's back to the one word answers?" She continued taunting him, "And what was your earlier comment about my sneakiness as being _almost _surprising?"

"First, thank you for your cooperation. You just stated, as fact, it wasn't sneakiness, but cleverness… my earlier statement is now proved true. Second, remember I worked a rather long mission beside you, then somehow ended up dating you for a few years… So, I have firsthand knowledge that your innocent act isn't always as _innocent_ as you want people to believe."

"Hey, I think I resent that." She playfully nudged him in his biceps. "So, if you know me so well, what was my first thought this morning?"

"Well…it might not have been 'your first,' but when you saw me out here earlier, you wanted to give me some sort of lecture about being outside, but you refrained…at least until you thought you'd have me in a position to listen."

"Well, you're sorta right, but I can guarantee you it wasn't my first thought - that was more along the lines of home renovation… But, yes, I did think about a safety lecture, but then I quickly realized that would be a fruitless endeavor on my part. Plus, I'm not ready to handle any more drama, well, until I have least have two cups of coffee. Then we'll revisit this."

"Home renovation, really? …And drama? When do I ever cause drama? I think you have me confused with someone else."

"Sorry, Squall, you're right, I can't recall one dramatic moment in our past. I'm glad you've brought clarity back into the situation."

"See, when in our relationship was I ever not clear? I'm a damn window of clarity."

"Window, really? More like steel door… But for your reference, I'll say the clarity issue was already clouded during that first _non-dramatic_ we met – that ever-so-clear moment when you said you didn't know how to dance, but did."

She reached up like she was going to playfully kiss him, but instead surprised him by pinching his rear end. The action caught him off guard enough to stiffen; she used the given opportunity to duck under his arms and run to the door. As she opened it, she yelled over her shoulder. "You're right, I am sneaky, but so are you Mr. I-Can't-Dance."

"Great, now we're going to revisit that too," he replied sarcastically as he followed her inside.

* * *

First to rise, last to breakfast – yet this wasn't unexpected by anyone there in the least.

Laguna half-wondered if the commander would even come out of the bedroom at all; it was only a passing thought, as he knew that Squall would eventually be forced to work. The waiting only made him become more nervous, but that was seemingly normal anytime he tried to spend time with his son. Laguna also knew that this time, just like every other time he tried, was born out of circumstance and not desire. In the end, even if a work-related relationship was the only thing in the cards for them, he would gladly accept the miracle.

The President looked down at his food as he lazily dished up hash-browns into a bowl. He had to admit it was great having company again. He had felt Ellone's absence for quite some time so it would be nice to sit down at a table with someone other than his two usual cohorts. Zell had taken upon himself to start preparing breakfast, although Laguna insisted on helping once he woke up. The President never really had the chance to get to know the martial artist all that well, but he definitely could relate to the younger man. Zell's enthusiasm for life seemed to mimic his own; he always seemed to find the positive in everything, even finding joy in making biscuits.

Before the two had finished cooking breakfast, Kiros called up saying he was on his way upstairs to their surprise. Nobody had expected the aide to arrive so early, but Laguna had always lived with that old adage, 'the more the merrier.'

As he entered the apartment, Kiros greeted the two 'chefs' with small bow and slight disbelief, but he managed to hide the latter – in politics, restraint was key. The aide managed to remain professional as Laguna attempted to make eggs without breaking the yolks. It was unintentionally humorous, but Kiros remained the ever-constant professional, as he explained that he had already spoken to Ward this morning.

Currently, his friend was in-route to research some files stored at Odine's old office at the Lunatic Pandora site. As Kiros asked to see if he could use a part of the table as workspace, he noticed that Laguna had, over the course of their conversation, wisely changed to making scrambled eggs – and order was once again restored to the universe.

As the two finished placing the food on the table, Kiros already had his laptop operational. In a matter of minutes, the Estharian aide had set up a makeshift workstation, transforming his little space into a rather functional office. The three then mutually agreed to wait on Squall and Rinoa before they talked and at least get breakfast underway.

Just as the food was about done, Laguna was putting the final touches on the table. It was about then everyone could hear the sound of the bedroom door opening down the hall. At that point, he had a single coffee cup in his hand and he looked up to see Rinoa walking in, followed slightly behind by Squall.

"I will love you forever if you say that's my mug and there's already coffee poured in it." Rinoa said with much hope as she walked in taking a seat at the table.

"Well, will you partially love me if it _is_ _your mug_, but there's just no coffee in it? But I can remedy that problem easily."

"Only because it's you Laguna… and I'm nice and all."

Zell snickered as set a plate in front of her. "_Niceee,"_ he drew out the words for emphasis, "yeah, _riiiight_."

She grumbled, elbowing him lightly in the ribs as he turned around. "Don't start Dincht. I got you out of that van; I can put you back in."

"Well, I'm feeling the love this mornin.' I forgot how there's never a dull moment with you two around."

Squall sat down beside Rinoa, already with the tell-tale signs of an oncoming headache. He tried to ignore the unfolding scene around him; Zell was insisting that Laguna take a seat and that he would gladly pour everybody's coffee. There were a few more moments of back-and-forth repartee before the President reluctantly agreed.

At this point, Squall could have poured his own damn coffee, eaten his breakfast, and loaded the dishwasher. He needed to stop this banter before his head exploded with the most ridiculous attempt at chivalry he'd ever been witness to. He had already been stressed enough without throwing _this_ shit into the fray. Rinoa was right; life was too much to deal with before at least two cups of coffee. Sometimes, he really could relate to Rinoa's philosophy.

Squall rubbed his thumbs into either side of his temple, trying to relieve the building pressure. After exhaling his stress, he reached for his freshly poured coffee, and absentmindedly asked, "Is there cream?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry." Laguna jumped up, bumping the table in the process. It wasn't enough to spill anything, just enough to draw attention to the fact he was outwardly nervous, which again was another thing that compounded onto Squall's stress. There was this constant tension that hung in the air. It seemed that if he and Laguna weren't talking about business-related issues, they found it impossible to find common ground.

The commander shook his head as this was going to be a long day. Then Squall realized it - the impossible had happened: the van-from-hell seemed a little less 'hellish' given his alternative.

Feeling a light tap on his arm, he turned to see Rinoa giving him a rather vacant look. She almost seemed surprised, but her expression teetered more on the side of hurt. It was a look that inherently felt wrong to him, given the circumstance.

"You use cream?"

"Yes…" he hesitantly answered, "is that all right?"

She shook her head, wondering why this bothered her more than it should have. After everything else, it almost felt like a juvenile complaint, but somehow it also felt like it was the tip of so much more.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. It was mainly out of habit and although she said the words, the meaning behind it seemed to be absent. "It caught me off guard, that's all. It's just that you never used to…_before_, I mean."

He shrugged as he stared down at his black coffee. "Just a habit I picked up along the line. Never thought about it."

"Why didn't you say anything when you were back at my house? I served it to you black." Somehow, it came out of accusing, but she was honestly was curious.

"I guess I didn't want to inconvenience you?" he answered her with a question, which was honestly never a good sign, "I mean, we were already putting you out. I didn't see a need to bother you anymore. Is that a problem?"

"No. None. Just curious, I guess."

Even if her words denied there wasn't a problem, he most definitely could sense there was an issue. Using cream in his coffee seemed like such a ridiculous thing to be upset over, unless it held some deeper meaning than he was understanding. This feeling seemed extremely familiar, the one where he had no idea what the hell he had done and why she was upset.

By now Laguna had made his way back to the table and handed him the cream before retaking his seat. Squall found himself grateful when Laguna attempted to make conversation, another first, as it took the focus off that exchange that Squall could only classify as 'extremely odd.'

"So, kids, everything all right last night?"

"Yes," Rinoa started, but was cut off again by their host.

"Sorry, sorry, I did it _again_…I didn't mean kids, as in kids. I can't seem to get that right!" He paused as everyone turned to look at him. "I should have asked… how did everyone sleep last night?"

Rinoa took a sip of coffee before answering him; something told her she was going to need it.

"We slept great, thank you. I can say with certainty this place is a thousand times better than the van."

"Hear, hear!" Zell chimed in with his normal enthusiasm.

The sorceress continued, "Also, it's all right about calling us kids. We're not offended." She didn't move her head, only her eyes to emphasize her next words, "Well, at least Zell and I aren't offended."

Squall sighed, knowing that everyone was now looking at him. "It's fine. I get it. I'm not offended either."

Zell couldn't help but smile at the commander's lackluster reaction. It might not have been appropriate, but there was this inner satisfaction watching Squall lately, as his normal composed demeanor often vanished around Rinoa and, now by default, Laguna.

Rinoa continued on, trying to have a polite conversation with their host. "Thanks so much for letting us stay here. It'll be great to have access to the extra recourses. I know this whole thing is very overwhelming. Trust me, I was in your shoes quite recently, but please don't worry so much about offending us. You're thinking about everything too much; we're not all that scary - just be yourself and relax."

"You know, Raine always told me the same thing…then years later, it was Ellone, guess I should start listening. Great minds thinking alike and all that." Laguna smiled – a gesture which Rinoa returned in kind.

"Well, I don't think I'd qualify as a great mind, but I couldn't have asked for any greater company, that's for sure. But maybe you should take the advice to heart and listen to us one of these days… just relax." She paused for a second before turning to the other person at the table, the one currently engaged in paperwork. "Speaking of great minds, I'm surprised to see you here this early Kiros."

"I wouldn't say 'great mind' but thank you nonetheless." He nodded in her direction as he lifted his eyes from a folder. "And as for your question, I've been up most of the night trying to extract what I can. I've found a few things, but please, the information will be here after breakfast."

Then the martial artist chimed in. "Great… now I feel guilty for sleeping, although it was a really awesome mattress. No offence Rin, the futon was nice, but this was magical."

"No offence taken," she assured him before looking back to Kiros. "I have to agree with Zell here though, not the mattress thing… I feel horrible too knowing you were up all night working on this, while we were here resting."

"Don't feel guilty, please. You've all had to endure the stress for so much longer, while I've only had a night. To ease your conscience, I was able to rest a few hours at the office, but I wanted to see what I could uncover. Honestly, I feel as if Esthar is somehow responsible or at least connected and that we have an obligation because of that. Plus, without clearance, it would have been difficult for you to dig around in our computers. You three gave me the direction; I just followed the map you had drawn."

As much as it pained Laguna to admit, he felt that the Esthar connection was somehow at the heart of this. He didn't know how, but given how his life often came down to fate intertwining with circumstance, the fact his son almost died would probably be his fault, albeit_ indirectly_, but still he would never have forgiven himself. The fact he was going to tell anybody in that room not to feel guilt was ironic in its own right.

Laguna spoke up, much to the surprise of everyone.

"Let's just agree that nobody needs to feel guilty, especially you three. If this was one good night of rest, then it was something you all deserved. Between what Zell and Squall went through both physically and mentally, and the emotional highs-and-lows Rinoa's faced, we can all agree that you've done your jobs, much more than your fair share. Now it's our chance to do something for you."

"See, you didn't over think any of that, did you?"

The President slightly chuckled as he looked toward Rinoa. "No, suppose not. I guess Raine should be glad I finally listened, and somebody finally got through to me…just took me a little while to come around. Although in ten minutes, I'll probably revert back to old habits - fair warning."

"Baby steps…but that's why you're you. We love you for it."

She really did care about this man and given what Squall said on the balcony, it was evident that the feeling was mutual. And even though Squall would most likely deny it if asked, just like his father, he too had taken baby steps.

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Three: The Arsenal of Freedom** _

* * *

_ **  
** _

For his part, Squall wasn't sure how much more of this he could handle; this was so sickening he was finding it difficult to even digest his breakfast. The earlier banter was annoying, but this had just fallen into the realm of uncomfortable. It was as if Rinoa, Zell, and Laguna seemed to share some brainwave to talk about the most random things. Even at Garden, Squall had learned how to zone out his friends' unwanted chatter in the cafeteria but, somehow, here he found that skill was impossible to use.

It could have been because above it all, he subconsciously _wanted_ to hear Rinoa and Laguna talk; he was less interested in Zell's end in the conversation, but even then, the more the commander paid attention, the more he started to find the martial artist slightly engrossing.

Squall mentally found himself going between wanting to listen and wanting to be sick.

It was quite the social paradox.

Deep inside, there was a part of the commander that wanted to fall back onto work as a failsafe. If he lingered too long on the situation literally in front of him, well, it was moments like this that Laguna started to skew years of built perceptions. There was a part of Squall that found it difficult to admit that he was sitting down at a meal, _with his father,_ and not actually completely hating it. So when it became too real, he did the one thing that helped survive all these years.

"Sorry to interrupt but, Kiros, I'd really be interested in what you were able to find out. I see no need in waiting any longer, everybody's about done and I think we'd just be wasting time at this point."

He looked up from the computer monitor, although not overly surprised by the commander's decision. Truthfully, the aide was more surprised this hadn't happened earlier.

"All right, please allow me one minute to get organized."

Kiros started shifting through files as the table's other occupants exchanged glances with one another except for Squall; his sole attention seemed to be focused on his used napkin. There was no doubt that he was purposely avoiding their reactions and failing greatly about being discrete about it. But as much as Squall had tried, he just couldn't envision this as some break-through moment. To him, it seemed like the equivalent of a family, _a dysfunctional family_, sitting around a table for a meal and needless chit-chat when part of the house was on fire. There was something greater that needed to be done and, until this mission was behind him, there would always be a 'fire' burning somewhere.

Rinoa wasn't surprised by Squall's actions either, but she was disappointed. It was obvious that Laguna was too, but he was doing his best to mask it. Zell was most likely the most indifferent, but that was because he was also the least emotionally invested in their makeshift family reunion.

Everyone continued in silence, eating small bites to fill the awkwardness. Squall was now upset with himself; he knew that the entire shift in mood was due to his insecurities. If he could have just held out for another fifteen minutes, this would have most likely have been a moot point.

But he didn't, he tried, but he couldn't.

It was still hard for him to accept this epic change in such a small amount of time. Thankfully, Kiros was ready to begin, relieving some of the pressure Squall had placed upon himself.

"Finding information on Duncan Sirtis was relatively easy, finding information on Midnight Katipo was a little more difficult…and finding information on _Midnight Kupo_ was impossible."

It was another rare joke from Kiros, a rather subtle attempt to lighten the mood.

"Hear, hear!" Zell said again, repeating an earlier sentiment. Now, he too was trying to help alleviate the tension. This time, he raised his coffee mug in an imaginary toast.

Simultaneously, both Laguna and Rinoa mimicked him, by raising their mugs. Rinoa however, added her own salutation of, "_Kupo_, _kupo_, my friend."

There was a part of Squall that felt he should be irritated - two sentences in and they had already veered off wildly course. Still, there was a larger part of him that was glad they could still find humor and be themselves, but mostly he was glad that he hadn't ruined it. And try has he might, he had to take this chance to be thankful for being alive.

Maybe it was these small moments which reminded him just how truly thankful he was for this second chance, or third, or forth…or whatever the hell count he was on. These were the moments that he wanted to fill his future with. As annoying as they could be at times, he couldn't picture it any other way and looked forward to a lifetime of them.

So, in an act that completely threw the others off, he raised his own coffee mug and offered his own toast. "_Wark_, _wark_."

Rinoa laughed, "Ah Squall, _kweh_ too?"

"Awesome one Rin!" Zell snorted, nearly choking on his coffee.

He shrugged as leaned over and surprised everyone again by giving her a kiss on her cheek. "You know me, have to be difficult. Sorry, about, you know, the work thing."

"Nah, you're right – it's like a forest. We walk off the path, you stay on it, we just need to find a medium so we can still see the scenery."

He nodded in agreement, but didn't respond further.

Three years ago, he might not have used cream in his coffee but, three years ago, he would have never done that. She would gladly accept one fact if it meant moments like this, no matter how fleeting they were in their life. As if he was apologizing for all of them, Squall looked towards Kiros and continued with her metaphor.

"Apparently, we now have a forest to get through. That won't happen again, please continue."

"No worries. I was basically responsible, so there's no need for apologies." Kiros leafed through the folder in his hand. "As I was saying, finding information on Duncan Sirtis was relatively easy, given the direction you three had lead me. His Estharian military career was exemplary – several awards, acclamations, and even recommendations by peers and superiors alike. This man was basically a poster child for military service, nothing on file to indicate why he would have this breakdown. I suppose some people just mentally can't handle the pressure and it builds over time – not everybody is like us."

Nobody had to say it – the words hung heavy in the air between the SeeDs and Rinoa. Kiros had no idea what he had said; he had no way of knowing. Still, that didn't make it any better. The moment of laughter only minutes before was all but forgotten. Rinoa reached under the table, placing her hand on Squall's leg. There was some fear on her part that he'd push her away, but he didn't.

The commander could honestly say he didn't need the comfort, but he couldn't deny that he wanted it either. This was a step for him, even if he didn't realize how his acceptance had evolved over time. On the balcony, they were alone, but here, he allowed Rinoa to do what came naturally to her, and what was seemingly becoming more natural to him. He was able to move a free hand down, wrapping it over hers and giving it a little squeeze. That had become their silent means of communication over the last few days.

To most, it might have seemed like a rather common gesture, but in their minds, it crossed once-impossible barriers. A simple squeeze of the hand was interpreted by both as love, support, acceptance, but most of all, it was the fact they were in this together.

Of course, Kiros had no idea what he had said or how his words twisted to fit more than the actions of Sirtis. In some ways, it was a ridiculous idea to even draw comparisons between this killer and Squall – as one was intentional, deliberate, calculated, and callous and the other was born out a moment of exhaustion and confusion.

The problem was that sometimes intent couldn't be measured through an outsider's eyes; some would view the results of one as being as unjustified as the other. They both ended in death and, as of now, both went unpunished.

The aide continued with his findings and in the long run, this was best for everyone to move forward. "Sirtis was classified as a marksman, originally attached with Trinneer's infantry, although he had previously established himself as a proficient sniper."

Zell raised his hand like he was in class, which caught everyone's attention. The martial artist grinned sheepishly when all eyes turned toward him. He couldn't help it; there was something so formal about Kiros that he had flashbacks of many-an-instructor at Garden.

"Sorry, habits and all," he quickly apologized, "Anyway, I'm going to ask this even though I can mentally hear Irvine groaning half-a-world away at my ignorance. What's the difference between a sniper and a marksman…or even a sharpshooter? They're all kind of guys with long-range guns right? I suppose I should have listened more when Irvine droned on – _and on_ \- about his solitary life and how nobody understands…but I figured it was just a way to pick up chicks. They like that kind of loner, emotional stuff."

"Hey," protested Rinoa, "I think I'm offended in there somehow."

"Really?" Zell raised an eyebrow while pointing towards Squall, "Loner, emotional, sound familiar?"

"Fine, I'll concede _those _points. Still, I think you're kinda over-generalizing…and I'll say with a hundred percent confidence that you need to spend a little less time around Irvine and more around Alex. Chicks? Really?"

"All right, I'll concede _that_ point. I'm sorry, let me rephrase - _women _seem to like that sort of loner, emotional thing. Better?"

"Sure," Rinoa replied with a mild hint of sarcasm in her voice. Then she turned to Kiros. "He does have a valid question in there somewhere, I'm a little lost as to where exactly, but I also thought that they all meant the same thing."

"Well, it varies by location and who you may ask but, for _our _classification purposes, I'll break it down like this: sharpshooter and marksman are relatively the same – they are skilled within their craft but usually part of an infantry. A sniper is equally as skilled, but tends to work alone or with a small team. They're often deployed on an as-needed basis – Sirtis has both in his credentials. He's had both medals and ribbons in two disciplines – rifle and pistol. After Adel, there seems to be a small lapse in history, but he shows up again in civilian completions, only locally in Deling City."

"Locally? As in he moved to Galbadia?"

Kiros confirmed the commander's statement. "That would be correct."

Laguna saw the irony as he, himself, had moved from Deling City to Esthar, while Sirtis did the opposite. He murmured almost inaudibly, _"The enemy of my enemy and all that…"_

Kiros knew his friend often took things to heart, even the acts of an Estharian citizen he had never met. "Well, it wasn't uncommon for people to leave; Dobe even helped build Fisherman's Horizon as a form of escape. People want to start over after a time of strife, it's understandable and it may have been why it took Sirtis five years to resurface. It also appears that alongside that, his adoration of firearms never waned. Along with being in local competitions, he used to own a small weapons shop."

Squall nodded as if a missing piece had just falling into place. "Damn it, we never went that route, although the answer seems obvious now. He would have easily available stock; firearm regulations in Deling were almost non-existent after Vinzer Deling's death. Sirtis could have literally used a gun and then resold it, nobody ever being the wiser. If he acquired the guns in that the time after Ultimecia, there'd be likely no way to trace them…besides physically comparing ballistics."

Zell reminded him, "We kinda guessed along the lines of a collector of sorts… we weren't too far off the mark, especially if you factor in trade shows in other regions... Now that I stop and think about it, seems like weapon shops were popping up on every other corner for awhile. I guess after the Lunar Cry people wanted to feel secure… Tch, you know, one can never be too prepared if a Ruby Dragon shows up on the front porch for dinner."

The more the group got to know Kiros, the more they uncovered his dry sense of humor; one that was often hidden by a stately formality.

"Well, in the case of fire-breathing dinner guests, Mr. Dincht is correct - security would be of the utmost importance. I've been told that Ruby Dragons have a very difficult palate to please. So it would be advised to avoid cooking for one – or being cooked by one. Either one of those options could result in severe consequences, which is precisely why numerous weapon stores are needed."

Rinoa covered her mouth, turning her head from Squall as she giggled. This exchange was downright odd. If she wasn't here herself, she would have hard time believing that this was from Kiros.

Without missing a beat, the aide continued, "However, in the case of Mr. Sirtis losing his business, it gets a little more complicated than uninvited dragons. That option almost might have been more preferable compared to the truth."

With those words, he handed a folder over to Laguna. The President started skimming the contents while Kiros gave the others an overview. "Several months before the first shooting, Sirtis was having financial problems and made an attempt to get his loan refinanced. However, that fell through and a few months ago as the bank foreclosed on the building. When his shop closed for good, officials stated there was very little inventory on hand. What was there had been recently liquated."

Laguna was outwardly upset after reading the news. Without the evidence, Duncan Sirtis may never be prosecuted for all the crimes. The President knew that one death was not above the other, but he couldn't help but feel especially bitter toward anyone who harmed his family. Handing the folder back to Kiros, he could no longer keep his silence contained.

"In other words, some brilliant mind in Deling sold the murder weapons at auction… or melted them down for scrap-metal or something equally as stupid. With Galbadia's half-assed record keeping system over the last few years, it's basically impossible to trace a fucking thing. This guy was good. Switching the weapons each time was not only a way to keep us from putting it together at first, it was a brilliant way to cover a trail and resell the weapons. How in the hell are we supposed to find all these guns? Go door-to-door?"

"We may never really _need _to," Kiros spoke with conviction to emphasize his point. "With a little more digging, I was able to find the root cause to his financial difficulties… All records indicate that about six months ago, Duncan Sirtis was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The disease appears to have advanced into final stages – at this point, there's nothing further that could be done medically. We don't have to give him a sentence for his crimes; it seems like fate has already given him one."

"What? How…what? I… he seemed…" Rinoa prattled on rather incoherently, trying to add this new factor into the equation. She was trying her best not to let emotions get the better of her, but given the circumstance, there was no chance of that happening. "It's just that – why would you do that? I mean, this is still about finding why he did what he did - people need to know, families need to know. Why _these_ targets? Why _these_ victims? If you found out you only have months to live, why would you spend it hurting people?"

"Righting wrongs." Squall's voice was soft, outwardly filled with regret.

There was no surprise when everyone remained silent. He wished that he hadn't even spoken, or kept it to himself, but it didn't make the sentiment any less true. There may have been no need to explain, but it was a courtesy he felt he owed.

Not everyone could think like him – maybe that was a damn good thing.

The commander wasn't going to be delicate about this; it was hard to get a point across if he was caught up in etiquette. "Listen, his means are completely fucked up, no sane person could begin to understand the logic, but he's managed to justify and twist the reasoning in his mind. He's dying and he knows it. This is his last chance to right the wrongs of his past…or if he can't fix_ his_, he's saving others from making those mistakes. Think about the people he killed, and what bills he was trying to stop - from endangered spices to drilling oil. These people are the bad guys; he's some type of champion, but one that never wanted praise. He's still a sniper, taking out one target at a time. He may even see himself as saving these people too; saving them from whatever hell he's living everyday..."

Squall paused, turning directly towards Rinoa and found it surprisingly easy to look her directly in the eyes.

"When I thought I was going to die, there was only one thing on my mind. But over the following days, I never fixated on just _one_ of my mistakes, but _all_ of them." He squeezed her hand, before turning back towards Kiros and Laguna. "Basically, after a lot of self-realization, I knew it would always be impossible to fix_ all_ of my mistakes… He's already faced that, so he may be settling for what he can. Whatever his mistake was cannot be undone, but he's convinced himself that by killing certain people, he can stop new mistakes from being made."

Zell asked the question they all were thinking. "So what's this thing he's trying to fix?"

"That's the real mystery," Kiros answered truthfully, "knowing may serve to explain his motivations, but I don't know how much that's going to help. Although, I believe finding out is key as it may help us discover where he's headed next. We know his time is limited; he knows his time is limited. We just need to get into his frame of mind and find his next target – before he does."

"Uggh," Zell groaned, "I've been trying to do that for days. I've looked at bills, proposals, and gone through enough bureaucratic red tape to… well, to tape up something really, really large."

Laguna let out an unintentional laugh. "Sorry, but I have no idea where you were going with that one."

"Yeah, me either. It's already been a long morning with a lot of new information to digest."

"I totally agree with you there... So, um, do we want to come up with some kind of game plan for the day? …Anyone?" Laguna asked out loud, although it was directed at one individual in particular.

Kiros had begun to highlight information on the computer, but became vastly aware that all eyes now were focused in his direction. He understood the reason for his 'election' – even if it was essentially by default.

First, he was on home soil and it made sense that he would have a lot of influence in Esthar's day-to-day governmental activities. Second, Laguna's position was often was more symbolic than functional which, more-often-than-not, was for the best. The man could easily rule this country with his heart and lead with emotion, but sometimes it took the rest of the world to hammer out the finer details. Even now, he was still trying to regain his strength and his rare skill of being truly empathetic was honestly best-suited elsewhere.

Next, having Rinoa, _a known sorceress_, running around asking about classified military operations probably would prove very counter-productive. If she asked the wrong question to the wrong people, she ran the risk of ending up sealed again – not exactly the objective they were going for today.

Finally, Squall was, well,_ dead._

That pretty much ended his chances of thoroughly leading an investigation. Asking political figures questions from beyond-the-grave was rather eccentric, even for the collective masses of Esthar.

Zell was a possibility, only as far as the fact that he was supposedly still in a coma but, at least in terms of believability, that was a step above the commander's physical condition. As another negative, he knew very little about Esthar's city, its people, and its customs…. Once again, the default position circled back to Kiros. Thankfully, he was more than capable of the title. Plus, he also could gauge the assets and skills of his current companions, which would help in the investigation process. Closing his laptop, he reached for a few folders and stood at the head of the table – now Zell was truly having flashbacks of Garden's instructors.

"First and foremost, let me state that it will be an honor to work with all of you." Kiros offered a respective bow to his comrades; his formality often made him appear more intimidating than he was. "Now, as far as any set 'game plan' for today… As I already stated, I'm waiting to hear back about the Katipo project. Ward should be sending confirmation shortly, although he won't share vital information over the computer. We can expand on that once we know more details. Again, I don't feel as if speculation is the best recourse."

At that point, he briefly paused. Reaching across the table, he gave Rinoa the few folders he had been holding.

"Miss Heartilly, I'm aware that your job in Timber has several aspects of research involved. I'd like for us to work together, specifically delving into a more detail-oriented history of Duncan Sirtis. For starters, I'd like to cross reference any known encounters with Trinneer. We can't rule out any meetings outside of their military careers. We need to look into any overlapping aspects of their past – schools, acquaintances, civilian work-history, anything along that vein; I'm also very curious about the medical histories of both men. That is, if this arrangement is all right with you."

"I'd been honored," she smiled and gladly accepted the chance, albeit with one small condition. "If it's all right, I'd like to clear the dishes from the table first. I kinda feel bad that I wasn't here to help make breakfast…so the least I can do is help with the clean up."

"Most understandable, Miss Heartilly."

She looked back up at him with a vexing smile; apparently, she had to rescind her earlier thought as there were actually _two_ small conditions. "Please, Kiros, call me _Rinoa_. We're going to be likely working together for some time and Miss Heartilly makes me feel really old."

"I understand, it's _Rinoa _from here on out," he respectfully replied.

She smiled in gratitude and set her folders out of the way. Shifting in her chair, Rinoa positioned herself so she could rest against Squall's side. She wished that damned caffeine would kick in shortly, as right now, she felt like she could crawl back into bed and easily sleep in until tomorrow morning.

He looked over at her, slightly taken aback by her actions. He would like to have said that he was _completely_ comfortable, but little nuances, such as this, took some adjustment. He still found a mental block between when _she _was initiated any sort of physical contact and when _he_ did – this often intensified dependent on their company... His block was even more present when it was an openly-forward action, compared to something more subtle that usually went unnoticed by others. Still, it didn't bother him enough to protest; this was just an aspect of himself that had been guarded so long, it was sometimes difficult to let go – _but he did_ \- as group continued to listen to Kiros.

"I believe you three are best suited for the more strategic aspects of this - prioritize targets and look at it from a militaristic point of view. I know SeeD has been at this for quite some time so maybe taking advantage of the given work space will help – feel free to spread out as much as you need. With things out in the open, you sometimes gain a different perspective."

Squall had always respected Kiros, anybody who could spent that much time with Laguna had to have immeasurable patience. Nevertheless, it was his intelligence and professional demeanor that rose above all other qualities. If there was one strategic benefit of today's endeavor, the commander looked forward to working alongside someone like Kiros Seagill.

It was rare, but Squall couldn't help but voice his opinion. "Kiros, it's a welcome change working with a dedicated professional like yourself. If you're ever in need of a leadership position, one that doesn't involve crumbs, by all means, please look me up."

To Squall, it was a response that indicated how impressed he was with the man's work ethic. Unfortunately, he hadn't thought about how the words could be taken by others.

The 'other' in this situation was Rinoa.

"Oh, you'd be great at Garden," Zell agreed. "Ever since Xu went to Trabia, we could use someone as serious as Squall. Somehow, he doesn't feel quite alone if there are 'more of his kind' around. Irvine and I…well, we are not that."

She was the only one to interpret the 'job offer' as something more than an off-handed remark. To her, it reaffirmed Squall's life-long commitment to remain a leader at Garden. He would always be at Balamb, willing to hire Kiros without question. This was a battle she had fought, and lost, years ago. This setback played into her insecurities and the thought of fighting that battle again simply petrified her.

As Kiros, Zell, and the commander continued a dialog, Rinoa pulled away and collapsed into the back of her own chair. In her mind, he didn't even seem to notice when she withdrew; hell, she figured that he most likely felt more relief than concern. As if to emphasis his 'indifference,' he reached for his mug, nonchalantly taking a sip of coffee.

She was facing her own damn bouts of insecurity once more, disappointed in herself more than with anything he said in passing. Maybe it was because she had allowed herself to be fooled before. Then again, there was that nagging voice that was screaming to be heard, but she wasn't listening to reason. Maybe she was making too much out of nothing, maybe this was her way of sabotaging their future before he did.

As for the martial artist, it was already obvious that his views in no way paralleled hers. It was hard for her to sit back and listen to the prospect. Even though the rest of them knew it was unlikely, more like impossible, it seemed to be the new hot-topic. Zell was almost overly excited, so she just sat back and focused on the half-eaten crust of her toast.

"Kiros, I'm totally on board with Squall. It would do the place some damn good to have you around. You could fill in for Xu's role, plus you're much less irritable than Squall – another major plus among the vast majority, minus Rin, who seems to have a thing for irritating men. Still, look at the commitment… you've been up all night and you're still going strong. I mean… is there anything you can't do?"

Laguna couldn't help but laugh, although he had kept most of his opinions to himself. Somehow, the idea of Kiros running a military school didn't exactly fit although the President knew his friend would do a damn good job at whatever he set his mind to.

"Sorry to disappoint you two, but hiring Kiros is not a negotiable deal. Hell, I'd be lost without him. And just for the record, he can be irritable, so don't let him fool you… Not to mention he's pretty much running Esthar behind-the-scenes - I'm sure that last piece of information comes as a _major_ surprise… so I should give you a fair amount of time to digest that startling news. Don't worry, I'll try not to let your visible lack of _shock and awe_ upset me." Laguna laughed.

The President swore that if the light was just right and you looked only from a specific angle, with your head ever-so-slightly tilted, that Squall nearly, almost (maybe) smiled.

As long as Laguna felt there was a small crack in the ice, he was going to use that opening to his full advantage. He also really did appreciate everything Kiros had done for him over the years. Some debts could never be repaid.

"Kiros also can put up with me, crumbs and all. Some would classify a few of my actions as 'antics,' but he's just always referred to them as _adventures_. But Zell, you're right – he can do just about everything. You know, since we moved to Esthar, he's gone back to school, finished a political science degree, found the perfect assistant for me, started law school, got certified so he could perform my assistant's wedding, found a new assistant that bakes awesome cookies, finished law school, keeps peace between all facets of the government here… and last, but certainly not least, can kick my ass in darts, lawn darts, and go-fish."

"This is a joke?" Squall asked Kiros, hopeful that Laguna was attempting humor rather than stating fact. Although the aide's credentials were more than outstanding, did his father really bring the fact he couldn't win at 'go-fish' into the morning's conversation? There was one even bigger question in this torrent of information, one that Squall should have most likely kept to himself, but this was one of those rare moments that he said exactly what he was thinking out loud.

"In what universe did Laguna ever outrank you back in Deling? This whole thing is warped humor, right?"

"I'm sorry commander. First, Laguna's statement about go-fish is indeed factual. It dates back to our days in Winhill and Ellone's only deck of cards. To this day, the statistical chance of losing hundreds upon hundreds of games seems like an improbability, but however infinitesimal the odds are, Laguna has managed to achieve them. As far as your comment about the chain-of-command, Laguna only thought he outranked both of us; Ward and I found it easier to play into his delusions of grandeur."

"Hey, wait a minute…" Laguna's brow furrowed as he started protest, but Kiros waved him off.

"All joking aside, your father very much is cut out for his role. He has a natural way with people and it shows in his leadership. People follow him and it isn't because they are given an order, but it's out of freewill. He has earned their trust, such as he has earned ours. He was in charge back then just as he's in charge now for the same exact reason. We are just thankful that go-fish isn't an accepted battle strategy among most developed nations."

Once again, Zell started to raise his hand, but stopped himself before the others noticed. "Hey, Kiros, when this is over - I officially challenge you to a game of go-fish. After Triple Triad, it's my second favorite card game and nobody back home ever wants to play a round or two. Although, gotta warn ya, you've met your match. I'm still undefeated. Came close to losing last year against my cousin - aka Big-Bad Rascal, aka Annoying-Pain-in-the-Butt - but I pulled out an amazing comeback."

When had this conversation degraded from catching a ruthless serial killer to Zell, Kiros, and Laguna's card-playing prowess? Why was Squall even sitting here listening to this? Every time he tried to stop the banter, it came back tenfold.

"Just shoot me now," Squall mumbled under his breath.

"_Really?"_ Rinoa shot back irritably, breaking her rather long bout of silence. It was that comment that finally pushed her over the edge. She stood up abruptly, trying to avoid looking at everyone around her. Instead, she set her focus on gathering dishes.

"What?" The commander was taken aback as she grabbed the plate in front of him

"Really, Squall? Given your circumstances –_ that's_ what you have to say? It's not cute, funny, or endearing."

"Bad choice of words," he admitted, although confused by what seemed like an overreaction as she left the room.

There was that familiar feeling of wondering what he had done again. How could one sentence, or phrase, set her off that badly? He realized that his comment came off as thoughtless, no matter the original intent. Right then, it had become obvious that he had done something more than just his verbal gaffe.

Standing up, he ignored the nagging fact that all eyes were now focused on him. It was better to just ignore their existence; he never looked up as he grabbed dishes off the table. When his hands were relatively full, he headed toward the kitchen. Standing in front of the sink, her back was towards him although she didn't seem to be moving. That was rarely a good sign – 'rarely' as in 'never.'

"Rinoa, can we talk?"

He could see her breathing; it appeared that she was taking deep, even breaths to calm herself. After another few seconds, her hand reached over the facet and started the water. She was being oddly quiet. Turning around, she looked at him, again not saying anything but rather 'sizing' up her prey. She was almost like a lion ready to pounce and he honestly hated when she was quiet; that was when she scared him the most.

"Yes, Squall we can. Just not now. I haven't the strength or the desire …and we have jobs to do."

He set the plates on the counter and put his hands up in surrender. Some battles were best left for another time, although he didn't know how the hell he was dragged into this particular 'battle' in the first place.

"Fine, all right. _Your_ call - again."

"Yeah."

The single word answer wasn't what he expected, although he wasn't sure what the hell he should have expected anymore. She was right about one thing - they had jobs to do. So that's exactly what he intended to do. That being said, never in his life would he have thought that working with Laguna would have been more preferable than being in a room with her, but given Rinoa's erratic behavior, maybe it was for the best. His earlier intuition was right; this certainly was a start to a very interesting day.

* * *

The investigation had continued for nearly two hours without interruption. Stranger yet, they had managed to do so without contact between the two separate groups. At that point, they were two halves of a whole, working as entirely independent entities. Rinoa and Kiros remained in the dining area, spreading paperwork over the tabletop. They sat across from one another, each currently using a laptop as their primary source of information. The other three had moved into Laguna's den, which doubled as an office when he occasionally did work from his residence.

For their part, Rinoa and Kiros had worked together wonderfully. There was very little verbal communication needed as their task focused solely on research. By then, Rinoa had managed to curb her earlier anger towards herself; she now directed that emotion into work rather than projecting it onto Squall. It seemed to be the perfect solution all around.

The sorceress had to admit that there was a very small part of her that liked having full-access into otherwise-restricted areas. In everyday life, she would have preferred not to have this much power or access; it was something she was often uncomfortable with. Even with her limited computer time, she believed that Esthar's reach extended beyond the grasp of the World Council, though it was understandable considering they also had decades to learn how to be more covert than other nations.

This fact remained a double-edged sword for the former xenophobic country. It was just like at home when she had every right to actually log into the World Council's database though she never felt comfortable. If it hadn't been for her relationship with Laguna, and even Kiros, this would have felt equally – if not more so – wrong. But because she was focused, and this had to be done, she was just glad she was honestly able to help in a mission rather than be an obstacle – now that was feeling she could definitely grow accustomed to…

Squall, Zell, and Laguna had done more in the aspect of talking but, then again, that was more out of necessity than desire. Squall would have rather worked on any aspect that didn't require being part of a 'think tank,' which, given his company, was going as well as expected. The current brainstorming session had its moments of ups and downs, a few sporadic storms, but very little brains. Of course, this was the commander's opinion and was most likely to be exceptionally biased.

It wasn't bad. It just wasn't good.

Squall found it hard to concentrate as his mind often drifted elsewhere. It wasn't like him to be caught in daydreams, but it wasn't like him to be sitting in a room with his father either. Whether those two factors directly correlated to one another remained to be seen.

At this point, they had gone through the files that Zell had initially tagged and narrowed it down to around thirty probable targets. From there, they quickly reviewed their findings, adding, subtracting, and then adding again and when they were done with that - they ended up with forty-two possibilities. This raised a question however. How do you predict the next target when they were in a political climate that included hundreds, if not thousands, of potential victims?

All and all, the commander was satisfied with their selections; the trio thought it was best to run them by Rinoa and Kiros. It would be good to have others' opinions, plus Zell and Laguna had both wanted to take a break. Their attention had waned; this was more than evident up to and including the assembly of several paper airplanes. Laguna explained that he often did it as a form of therapy when stressed. At first, Squall thought he was joking but, just as with the go-fish, he was not.

The fact was Squall could also go for a break, especially after he outwardly caught himself watching them folding the planes and questioning their engineering techniques. If ever there was a sign he needed more coffee that was it. Not to mention he still had this nagging sensation that Rinoa was upset with him. It was a hunch, but a pretty damn good one at that. So the three of them left Laguna's office, heading toward where the other two had set up office.

Rinoa was honestly so focused on her work that she hadn't noticed the others as they walked into the area. She had just highlighted some information and was just about to hit the print button when she was abruptly halted. To her surprise, the sorceress felt a projectile hit her directly in the back of the head. As she turned, Rinoa's peripheral vision glimpsed the last few seconds of a paper plane in flight.

Crossing her arms, like a parent about to reprimand a child, she stared at the trio. Narrowing her eyes, her line-of-sight focused solely in Zell's direction.

"Really?"

Ironically, she was also well aware of her newfound vocabulary word of the day.

"_He_ did it." Zell pointed to Squall accusingly, who seemed less than pleased. The commander didn't have to voice or express this in any way, shape or form, it was simply understood.

Rinoa bit her lip and tried to reign in growing irritation as she gave the martial artist an even more condemning glare. She couldn't comprehend why people felt as if they could mess with her; she had already proven that she wasn't always the easy target. Usually, she wouldn't take their actions to heart but, in her current mind-set, she seemed to find everything personal.

Zell started to fidget as he stood as her stare was downright scary. Plus, it was obvious that she wasn't going to be fooled into buying Squall as his scapegoat; it was ridiculous thought. If Irvine had been here however, it would have been a much more believable scenario.

"Fine," the martial artist begrudgingly admitted. However, he certainly wasn't going to go down on this sinking ship alone – so much for years of training about not breaking under pressure. Zell turned his finger, now pointing at Laguna. "He _made_ it."

Rinoa shook her head and was about to say a word or two, probably not too kind, but the President beat her to the punch.

"I did. I'll admit to that, but I didn't throw it – although its maiden flight was a success in my book, except for that minor collision with your head. Its innovative aerodynamic design is top notch, made by the same technicians who designed the Ragnarok."

"Sorry, Rin, we were just playing around to lighten the mood," Zell apologized. He had not expected this reaction, but also knew the stress they were under often manifested itself differently. It was surprising that she had managed to keep her emotions in check for so long.

"I'm not mad." She finally moved, relaxing from her earlier defensive position. She wasn't really 'mad,' she was just irritated, tired, worried, and often overwhelmed. "I'm just really tired – physically and mentally... I know you're just being you, it's my own problem. I just feel like I'm an easy target... it's that whole outsider complex. I've just been asking myself a lot of questions since I woke up this morning, I suppose it's easier to believe that you're a target than face the truth, face your own insecurities. I guess."

"Sorry again Rin, I get this being overwhelming." Zell walked up, supportively placing his hand on her shoulder. "You'll always be one of us and you know how much we love having you around again…And you're not a target, it wasn't our intention to make you feel like one."

"That's it!" Laguna exclaimed loudly, literally scaring everyone to varying degrees. "Rinoa, you're not a target, but we made you feel like one!"

"Um, yeah?" She sat up, looking at him skeptically. "But I also said that I had-"

"No, no, no!" Laguna interrupted, quickly grabbing the files from Squall's hands, and walking to the table. "Let's say it _really was_ our goal to make you the target Rin and, by us knowing your insecurities, we used them against you. You just didn't figure out what we were doing until it was too late."

Accentuating his point, he forcefully placed the stack of folders on the table.

"Yeah, Laguna…" Zell began hesitantly as one hand remained on her shoulder, the other scratched his head. Laguna could often be puzzling, but this line of reasoning was downright perplexing. He already felt bad for hitting her, and whatever the President was doing surely wasn't helping. "I'm really not sure where you're going with this. Rinoa already feels badly enough. I don't think that you saying we were _trying_ to use her insecurities is the best way to make her feel any better… I'm kinda guessing it has something of the opposite effect."

"You're right. Sorry. I'm really not making my example work well. I'm just saying we _could_ have done that if we had wanted to. We know enough about her to turn her weaknesses against her."

Squall rubbed the bridge of his nose looking at the floor. "Yeah, not much better."

"Fine. Let me start over." Laguna put both hands in the air in mock surrender, before pointing to the stack of files. "These are profiles of people that have bits and pieces of what this guy is looking for, we can find some patterns but we don't know who the target is."

He then stopped and motioned towards Rinoa. "She talked about her insecurities and said she felt like a target when Zell hit her with the plane. I'm saying we take all the things we know about Sirtis… and well,_ we_ decide who we want him to throw the paper plane at."

"As usual, your delivery is questionable," Kiros finally chimed in, "but I understand what you're saying."

"Well, at least someone does." Squall didn't even want to look up. One minute he was just starting to understand the man, and by the next, he was mortified at the thought of sharing DNA with him.

Laguna laughed nervously, embarrassed at how he had rambled on; it wasn't endlessly, but it only felt that way now. He had just been so caught up in his own enthusiasm. After spending the entire morning deadlocked in debate, he wanted to share his breakthrough with the world, or at least the world as defined as to those people within this room. He often just needed to slow down and take a deep breath; it seemed this was _another _mantra that Raine, Ellone, and even Kiros also found themselves repeating.

"Laguna is just passionate, that's all." Once again, Kiros found himself designated to the role of interpreter. "To clarify his point, he's suggesting that instead of trying to guess which one of those files _may be_ the intended victim, we setup our own target. We know the criteria that Sirtis looks for and we know his triggers; we take this information and set up someone that hits all of them. Basically, it's our job to make one target more appealing above all others. "

"We set the target," Rinoa repeated, looking at the numerous files before her. "So we just have to find something that draws his attention more than any of these other causes."

Squall knew what _cause_ this man most wanted to target; Squall had lived the answer far too long...

"His past." The commander stated the words firmly, as if they had been written in stone. "If we find the mistake he's trying to erase, we'll find our answer."


	22. Favor the Bold, Shades of Gray, and Up the Long Ladder

 

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_ **Chapter Sixty-Four: Favor the Bold** _

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Knowing this was not the time to dwell on his own demons, Squall found this task surprisingly easy considering all his contemplation as of late. They would always be there, below the surface, but just how deeply they were buried seemed to be dependent on his own conscience. This mission was never about him but, at times, the parallels were hard to overlook – two men seeking redemption, most likely for mistakes that even confession could never atone. And, at the heart of the matter with both men, was Esthar - a country's whose own sordid history left devastation in its wake.

It was only understood by a couple others, but Squall's earlier words about Sirtis weren't exactly to be taken at face value.

"…_His past. If we find the mistake he's trying to erase, we'll find our answer."_

There was no outward reaction – even by those who could link the commander's history.

It seemed the others were more focused on the enormity of Laguna's suggestion. The idea did take some time to digest. To _purposely_ place a given target in the line-of-fire wasn't preferable but, at this point, it could almost be viewed as a necessary evil.

Squall was grateful that everybody was at least on the same page. At times, deciphering 'Laguna-ese' could be an art form – one that he had no desire of ever learning how to speak; ironically enough, Rinoa believed the same could be said about him though her opinion was thankfully unbeknownst to Squall.

No matter who thought it, the commander believed the idea certainly had its merits, but it also had its drawbacks. The scale of such a deception would be unprecedented, save for the sleight-of-hand performed by Balamb Garden.

But that was Garden's lie – and he knew that Garden's philosophy was solely based on results; its lies could be explained easier than a nation's leader garnering the trust of its citizens. In war, some lies were expected, but in peace, a nation's trust was paramount. The question Squall had to ask himself was who was truly at war with Sirtis - politicians or the environment? It was always about catching a killer but, in this instance, the killer was a dying man trying to save the environment in his own twisted mind. In some ways, this could cause a problem; the man could just as easily end up a folk hero rather than a villain – it truly was all in one's perception.

And besides a few oddities – one being a gruesome murder of a family man, the other being the still unknown reason Squall himself was targeted – this man's action had noble, though arguably misguided, reasons.

Years of studying military strategies led Squall to understand a few things about this mission; it would rely on a series of events that, for the moment, seemed all but impossible to fathom. Skill, logic, and even a fair amount of luck would all be necessary. There was also this nagging feeling about Sirtis' competency – it still stood out that the man was a trained marksman, one of Esthar's best. To demonstrate this deadly accuracy, he had managed to shoot Avery Siddig with a single-shot to the base of the skull. However, on the other end of the spectrum, there was Squall's own 'murder.' It was messy at best, lucky at worst. With the new evidence, it was possible that the man's physical condition could also account for the variances - medicines, treatments, and quickly-deteriorating health - could explain the miss.

Still, if Sirtis on his game – he was _on_. If he was off, then nobody was safe…

This meant that not only did they have to catch Sirtis before he got into position for the target's benefit, but also for any bystanders. The last thing Squall needed on his conscience was an innocent caught in the crossfire, such as Zell had been back in Dollet.

The commander scanned the room, trying to gauge everybody's thoughts even though deciphering people's emotions wasn't exactly his forte. However, the one thing that was apparent, even to him, was that nobody wanted to be the first break the verbal impasse. There was a time and a place for silence – this certainly wasn't it. The commander knew the basis for all intelligence operations relied heavily on communication and, even if he usually preferred it, this roomful of silence wasn't going to catch a killer.

With a deep intake of breath, Squall took a step forward, and shattered the stalemate as he crossed the room and headed towards Rinoa. He was aware most of the attention was probably focused on him but, at this point, he couldn't care less.

Moving forward with this mission – and essentially his life - was his only priority.

Rinoa tried to smile as he neared. Her effort was halfhearted at best, although she appreciated his support. It was little things like making the effort to be next to her that separated today from the past. Before, he always tried to keep a certain distance between them, at least in a professional situation. It always seemed that he needed to keep her separate from work, and she understood to a point, but she also had to admit that she could get used to this too. A simple act could make her feel included instead of feeling like an outsider.

Maybe she too had begun to move beyond the insecurities of the past. There would always be ups and downs on the path before them, times when falling back to old patterns would be the easier of two choices, but if they stayed the course – maybe there was hope for the future.

With that thought, her earlier smile was no longer halfhearted. Her eyes followed him as he grabbed a chair and moved it closer, before taking a seat. He offered her a nod and thinly-veiled smile before turning to address the others in the room.

"Right now, we need to place all of our combined efforts on digging into his past. If we find that secret he's been hiding…we can recreate the surrounding circumstances to the best of our ability. We can pretty much narrow this down to one specific time period. Duncan Sirtis wants to right a wrong, let's give him the target that best fits that scenario - then stop him before he does."

Thankfully forgoing the act of raising his hand, Zell asked the thing foremost on everyone's mind. "Big question…um… I see the direction this is all taking us and everything. So, I'm going to ask the obvious here – _who's _going to be the target? Seems to me that even if we're watching, there's still danger involved." He paused slightly, letting out a nervous laugh. "I mean, it's kinda obvious the target isn't going to be either dead guy or coma guy – so who do we use?"

Before anyone could utter a word to counter, Squall looked to Rinoa, nearly snapping his response. "No. Don't even say it. It's not happening. Ever."

She was taken aback with his almost volatile reaction. It took her a moment to recoup, but she had mentally shrugged off the idea by then.

"It wouldn't work anyways. I've spent the last few years trying to stay out of the spotlight; it wouldn't look right having me suddenly walk back in…_considering_. It wouldn't take much to add up the facts: I've never had any outward political pull in Timber, I've been on leave from work, and then mix in the timing of your death… Well, it might appear suspicious to anyone, especially one who knows the ins-and-outs of the political system."

Rinoa had made valid points and Squall knew it. Right now, he couldn't imagine being anymore grateful that she hadn't reverted back to old ways. Even after all this time, he still half-expected her to be stubborn, insisting that she could climb whatever mountain was in front of her. Years ago, she nearly ended up getting devoured by a pair of Iguions _because_ she was so damn adamant. Like him, she also had learned to step back and take in the picture as a whole.

But now that Rinoa had been officially ruled out, Laguna refused to stand there and take a backseat. In his mind, he would always believe that Esthar owed the world a debt that could never be repaid. To him, a debt started and ended with a country's leader.

"I'll do it."

Even as Laguna's words registered with Squall, they didn't sit well. It wasn't the same guttural reaction like when he thought that Rinoa was going to volunteer, but it was a reaction nonetheless. If Squall believed anything about this man, it was at that the President's ability to be 'insisting and adamant' was only a step slightly below his girlfriend's. It wasn't as if Squall wanted anyone put in danger, but there was something almost protective in his feelings. At the moment, it was a new and rather irritating feeling to the commander. A few minutes ago, he mentally cursed at the thought of sharing genetic DNA with the man – now this?

The fact was that he_ couldn't_ let Laguna take that chance. Squall was just getting comfortable with the idea of learning about his past – about Raine, and damn it, deep down he knew he needed to protect what family he had; he needed to protect the memories of the ones he hadn't yet learned about. So, even if he outwardly tried to deny it, Laguna mattered.

Squall cared. Damn it all.

Luckily, before the commander could let himself wallow in this newfound revelation, Kiros once again managed to use reason over emotion.

"As a group, we can sit here and hypothesize all we want but, until have a better understanding of the facts, this is a variable that can't be determined. Miss Heartilly was right about certain political factors appearing out of place. So, until we know what he's looking for, we're all just making assumptions about the target and that alone can be dangerous. Although, I will go on record and _firmly_ state-"

The aide turned, narrowing his vision directly at his friend.

"President Loire, you are _not _volunteering. We have to weigh possible reward against cost. Esthar could not afford to lose your presence. Even though it's been over five years, there is extensive rebuilding to be done from the Lunar Cry. As we're well aware, the devastation will still be felt for years to come. People need stability and that's_ you_. If this plan does fall back on Esthar's shoulders, I'd be the logical person to step up on Esthar's behalf."

Squall also understood that they were being rash, but he could never fault anyone for wanting to help. And, as much as he tried to hide this more selfish aspect of himself, he was grateful that both Rinoa and Laguna had been eliminated from the fray. From an administrative point, it was better for the country if Laguna wasn't purposely placed into the line of fire…_"Better for the country" _was the reasoning he was still trying to convince himself of mentally.

"As a whole, I don't believe we should dwell on this aspect until we know better." The Estharian aide continued, "Just be assured that there's a list of others, besides ourselves, that we could enlist if necessary - Headmaster Kramer, General Caraway, Headmaster Martine, or even Xu, depending on region. As Laguna has continued close relations with the Shumi Tribe, even Elder may be willing to step up."

Rinoa couldn't help let out a sound that almost sounded like a laugh. "Bwaha."

Knowing all the focus was now directed at her, she bowed her head regretfully. "Sorry, just hearing Caraway's name on that list…it's just _yeah_… I mean, he didn't even show up for Squall's funeral. Sure, he'd be all in for 'volunteering' if he could somehow spin it so he comes off looking good. It just sounded strange for me to hear. I'm sorry for the reaction."

Squall knew that many aspects of this case were bothering her, including using a living person as bait. But, if there was anything he had learned lately, when you least expected it, sometimes things just had a way of falling into place.

"He might surprise you."

Rinoa looked up at him with an anguished smile. There was something so serious, yet pained, within her eyes. "He _did_ surprise me - by not going to your funeral. No matter how many problems we had in the past, he _knew_ I could've used the support. Up until then…well, guess over the last few years, I thought we had come to an understanding but…maybe we really hadn't. Maybe it was all some grand delusion I needed to believe… Or maybe the support just didn't reach into my personal life."

She took a deep breath before continuing. It was difficult, but she needed it to be said.

"I can't look back on the last few weeks as being without family though… I know the people that were there helped me better than any empty words."

While Squall certainly didn't want to defend Caraway, he knew that even the simplest looking situations weren't always in black or white.

"Rin, I'd like to think he'd step up to help, and you know that optimism isn't usually my thing. And as far as him being a no-show, maybe he just didn't know how to support you. Again, I'm not trying to make excuses for other people, but seeing you like that and not being able to do anything might be difficult for him – it was sure as hell difficult for me. Being able to handle emotional situations is more complicated for some than others – just talk to him. Don't let _this_ be the thing that keeps you apart. Progress is progress, no matter how small, so don't lose what you two have achieved. As far as the funeral, remember, I watched it and like you said - you did have support - the best I could ask for. I'm grateful."

Rinoa blinked a few times, shocked at his words. Although said_ to _her, the latter statement wasn't directed _at_ her. Even if not stated outright, to hear him admit such things was enough to make her earlier attempt at a smile into an honest one. Again, this probably wasn't the time for such a confession, yet it was these little moments in life that could never be planned.

Laguna was glad he was standing away from them, wanting to turn away at this point. Not because he was ashamed or angry, but because he didn't want anyone to see the forming tears in his eyes; he was trying to be strong. God, he was trying not to seem emotional, but those were words he never thought he would ever hear. They were directed at him and he knew it. But he couldn't turn away, he wouldn't. This wasn't about possible embarrassment, it was about hope. That's what he had somehow rediscovered in the last twenty-four hours.

There was another small bout of awkward silence, but that was quickly shattered by Squall. It wasn't as if he didn't understand the gravity of the situation, quite the opposite, but they were under time constraints. The mission had to be their first priority, not to mention it was easier to deal with the physically tangible than intangible emotions.

"Did either of you find anything in Sirtis' history that may be useful or, at least, some sort of jumping-off point?"

"Well, some but…" Rinoa hesitated, looking towards Kiros for guidance. She had her own interpretation of what this information could mean, but hoped that she was jumping to rash conclusions. Her eyes remained on him as she said the words. "There's only seventeen."

"I'm sorry, what?" Squall questioned.

She looked down, trying her damndest not to humanize the statistics. Taking a deep breath and a moment to close her eyes, she managed to regain her composure. When she looked up, her demeanor seemed to have made a one-hundred and eighty degree turn.

"Sorry, didn't mean to be so cryptic. Basically, this morning I focused on the other personnel assigned to that company. Right now, I can only find post-war records of _seventeen _of those men. Also, there isn't a trace of information in regards to the medical staff. I'm willing to place good Gil _that_ wasn't an oversight either. But…" she trailed as her voice cracked before finding a second wind.

"I know that there could be discrepancies in the records, especially with people not wanting to be tracked, those who wanted to start new lives with new identities like Blalock. Not to mention record keeping at that time was scattered at best but, of those seventeen, only eight are still alive. With the exception of one who was killed in an automobile accident, the others all… died of medical reasons."

"Given that all countries have different definitions for military units, what's the size of typical company in Esthar?" the commander asked Kiros. He truly hoped the math in his head was far from accurate.

"In those days, it most likely would average between eighty to a hundred and fifty men. But, keep in mind, this entire scenario is quite atypical. Esthar's records indicate that Sirtis' original unit remained where they had been stationed until after the fall of Adel. Still, it appears that individuals were handpicked from several companies to form a new one. Again, a medical unit should never have such firepower."

"Even more ironic, if you can find irony in any of this," Rinoa began softly, handing a folder across to Squall, "is a hospital _without_ patients. If you take a look… those twenty or so names are the only ones _on record_ for being treated at a major post during wartime – mostly stitches, abrasions, broken bones, and a few random non-lethal gunshot wounds. Basically, the same thing you'd expect from cadets in the training center…well, hopefully minus the bullets, but you get the idea."

The fact is we have a large medical facility with an abnormally high number of weapons and strangely low number of patients. All those 'patients' were also already embedded with the unit from what I can tell. I haven't found any proof that outsiders ever were treated. In fact, most injuries were taken back directly to Esthar."

Kiros continued with the findings. "The evidence is supporting that it wasn't a hospital. The facts coincide with the rumors; its sole purpose was a medical research station. Now we need to figure out what type of experiments they conducted. I believe that if we can find out about the specifics of the Midnight Katipo project, we may discover our answer. After that, we can look into the possibility of selecting a target. Following this path seems most rational. "

Squall closed the folder, setting it on the table. "You're absolutely right. At this point, picking a target seems as if we're trying to put the cart before the Chocobo."

After hearing that comment, Rinoa couldn't help but give him a sideward glance. "How very _Zell_ of you."

"Ha, I was just going to say something along those lines!" the martial artist interjected. "But um, Squall, gotta say I was under the impression you hate Chocobos. So, coming from you, that comment seems really odd."

With this development, Laguna moved from the wall he had been leaning against, moving into the room. "Wait, my son hates Chocobos?"

"He doesn't hate _them_. They hate_ him_." Rinoa laughed as she made the correction; she was well-aware of how much Squall was a fan of both Chocobos and semantics.

This time, it was Squall's turn to give the sideways glare. "I'd say it's more of a mutual thing. However, I am hating that I used that expression."

Still, this left Laguna to ponder aloud. "How can anyone hate Chocobos? They're like the Mogs of the bird world."

"What have I done?" Squall muttered, realizing that his plan to move forward had failed greatly.

There was definitely a pattern forming with this group. He had been so used to working within a set of constricted guidelines that he honestly had no idea how to function in a disorganized setting.

He became aghast with a realization - _this _was probably akin to being part of the Forest Owls years ago. With a mismatched group of 'rebels,' the far-out and seemingly-absurd plans, and the lack of communication on the most basic levels, the only things missing were having the meeting on the floor and a ridiculously elaborate model train. To be fair, his tour of the President's living quarters was far from complete, so he wouldn't rule out the model train just yet.

But above the obvious dysfunctional similarities between both groups, there were a few comparisons that could be drawn. They were both filled with a passion and a desire to succeed that couldn't be equaled – even if the path often detoured. With diverse core members, everybody brought something to the table. Unlike Garden, where students were trained equally, having people from different walks of life allowed unique abilities and skills. There was no outward structure, but that seemed to work for everyone – even if it was often irritating at times.

However, there was one major difference between the Forest Owls and their makeshift team - Zell Dincht and his ability to repeat embarrassing facts.

"You know, not only does he hate Chocobos, but he was knocked out by one."

Even Kiros couldn't let this one go. "You were attacked by a Chocobo?"

"Squall, what did you did you do to upset a Chocobo that badly?" Laguna asked, looking horrified. He always had a soft spot for the big, loveable birds since his days in Winhill.

"I didn't do anything, he started… You know what, it's _classified_."

It wasn't, but he'd be damned to argue his defense against a bird.

"Um,_ classified_? I don't think that word means what you think it means." Rinoa laughed again, knowing Squall was desperately trying to pretend this was never brought up.

"Whatever."

"I think he knows what_ that_ word means though." Zell grinned, fully aware he would be catching hell later over this but, like so many other things in life, this moment was fleeting. It really was worth the risk.

Once more, Squall had to find his mental center before continuing. "Although quite the remarkable fact-finding session, I don't believe my past escapades help, but it was a pleasant break…" Another deep breath. "Well, pleasant for _most of us_, so can we agree to move on?"

"Fine, it's on the back burner. For now. Just wait 'til this is over, I think we'll all be expecting answers." Laguna smiled, feeling a little more at ease.

To everyone's surprise, it was Rinoa that seemed to object to continuing, although that hadn't been her intention. "If you guys will excuse me, I just need to take a quick break."

When Rinoa stood, Squall immediately mirrored the action; he couldn't exactly figure out whether it was protective or instinctual. Either way, it just felt like a natural gesture of politeness on his part. But to his surprise, she put her hand out as a way to stop him.

"No, it's okay… please sit back down. I'll just be gone a few minutes. I'm fairly confident everyone can manage without me."

"You all right?" he questioned, thinking that her wording seemed to be polite yet firm - something rather odd given the circumstance. Maybe he was just reading too much into it as being suspicious was an unfortunate side effect given his line of work.

She quickly glanced towards Kiros before answering. "Yes Squall, I'm fine. Just need to run to the bedroom a minute."

He really wasn't convinced after _that_, but he didn't want to doubt her sincerity either. Reluctantly, he sat back down and started leafing through the folder she'd handed him earlier. He didn't even know why; it was just something to bury himself into a distraction and hopefully avoid idle chit-chat with the others.

Kiros stood up, looking toward the three remaining men. "I'm also going to take a few minutes - I'd like to make a call myself and check back with my contacts."

After the other two had excused themselves and were safely out of hearing range, Zell had to ask about his friend. "She really okay?"

Squall shrugged. "I can only hope. There have been a few times I've questioned if something's wrong myself… Everything started off so well today. This morning was something I wouldn't trade for the world, but now… I just don't have a clue."

Zell grinned and lifted his finger as if he was going to make a point, but Squall wisely cut him off.

"_Don't _even go there. We had a decent _conversation_ this morning. That's what I meant - nothing more, nothing less."

Zell grumbled as he lowered his hand. "You sure can take all the fun out this. Guy's gotta entertain himself somehow."

It was all becoming a bit much; first, there was Rinoa's unexplained mood and now Zell's comments, although those were unfortunately explainable. The commander was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his restraint. His next words were meant as a warning, although he didn't know if they'd be interpreted as such.

"Zell,_ my _personal life shouldn't be a source of entertainment for _anyone._ So could we kindly keep it out of this?"

Now it was the martial artist who was searching for restraint – if ever there was a perfect set up, that had been it. So he didn't say the first thing that popped into his mind – nor the second or third. Plus facing Squall's wrath wasn't on his daily to-do list as he didn't want to actually end up in a coma. Thankfully Zell, more or less, ended up mumbling under his breath. It was something based more in fact than in innuendo.

"Well, remind me about 'keeping your personal life out of this' the next time you two forget Rinoa's wearing a damn microphone."

"Can I interrupt?" Earlier, the President had no intention on stopping their conversation, albeit the term 'conversation' was stretching it at best, but something had come up that needed to be addressed.

"Please," Squall replied irritably, although his annoyance wasn't directed towards his father. This was a moment that needed to be noted for future posterity – Laguna with perfect timing.

"I just got a text from Ward and, um, right now he's outside of Esthar's west gate and sort of on his way here. By here I mean_ here _– here. He's most likely about twenty minutes out. Since I know we haven't exactly discussed this scenario, I thought we better before he walks in and it becomes one big room full of 'wow, surprise, non-dead people.'"

Laguna chuckled nervously, embarrassed at this rather huge tactical oversight. "I'm so sorry, Squall… Unlike Elle, Ward works in the building so he doesn't call – I guess this sort of slipped my mind yesterday with everything. Just so you know, the reason he did message was because he found some files at the old laboratory, but I don't know the specifics yet. So, the question is, well… I'll just say the ball's in your court."

Squall cracked his knuckles. It was a rare sign of tension in the young commander, something left over from his early adolescent days. He had basically broken the habit before becoming a teenager as Garden instructors were often irritated by this and often vocal about their displeasure. It was surprising to him that he had reverted back now; he certainly didn't want to stop and dwell on any deep-rooted physiological meanings. Instead, he decided it was best to get back on track and ask Zell's opinion about Ward. In theory, he was still the commanding superior, but this had more or less become a partnership along the way – not exactly Garden protocol. For all intents and purposes, it had worked out well for him and he didn't want to risk anything now.

"Zell, any opinions?"

The martial artist shrugged. "On a personal level, I don't see a problem letting Ward know. Laguna trusts him, and it's kinda along the lines of Kiros. Work-wise, I think his help maybe useful in the long run. So, I'm on board, if you are."

"I agree. I'll run it by Rinoa." Squall glanced toward the bedroom although he saw no signs of movement. He glanced at his watch. Although he knew they were under severe time-constraints, he figured he could allow her some leeway. "I doubt she'll have a problem with it, but I just feel given the situation we're all in, I think it's proper to ask. If she doesn't come out in the next few minutes, I'll go in and check."

"The more the merrier right?" Laguna rhetorically asked, glad that his son believed in his friends enough to trust them fully. Even if it only came about by happenstance, it meant something to him.

"Heh, yeah," Zell snorted, realizing that their small 'team of two' had grown rather exponentially and rather against the headmaster's will. "Technically, we could now field an ice-hockey team with everyone working on it here. Just hope nobody gets fouled or Cid would have to step in, which may not be pretty… either him or Angelo, who might be better qualified. Dog kicks ass."

"Well, me on skates isn't pretty either. Angelo could kick my ass too, I'm sure." Laguna smiled as he shook his head at the memories. Raine had forced him out onto the ice back in Winhill. Needless to say, that was his first _and last_ time trying such an outrageous adventure – now he'd much rather stick to Ruby Dragons, machine guns, and time-compressing sorceresses; those seemed like the safer bet.

Refraining from becoming sentimental over his past, Laguna wanted to change the subject. When he asked the next question out loud, it wasn't meant to anyone in particular – just a general statement about his friend.

"Rinoa still a huge hockey fan?"

Two very different answers were spoken in unison.

"Yes," was the positive response from Zell, while Squall had gone with a fairly definite "no."

"What?" Squall questioned in shock.

Now he wondered if Zell had known something he hadn't or if it was an assumption on the part of the martial artist. For some damned reason, the commander hoped it was the latter.

"You know, how she loved the Bears and all, but can't say for sure." Zell shrugged his shoulders as he leaned back into his chair. "Thinking about it… I'm sure she totally is. As much as Rin isn't always thrilled with her hometown, she's always had a soft spot for the Galbadia Bears."

"Well, that was one thing we both used to have in common. I can honestly say it's been awhile since we've had time to talk about anything besides politics." Laguna smiled, hoping no one would get too technical. He and Rinoa did have time at the funeral, and over those days they did have rather personal conversations, but talking sports was hardly on the agenda.

Still, the President didn't dwell too much as he continued. "It's ironic that both of us moved from Deling, but some of our roots will always be firmly planted there. The other night there was this really bad electrical storm. I turned on the television to check weather, but somehow randomly flipped to a hockey game. It's hard to explain - I found myself drawn to it and I really tried to watch. Well, 'trying' under the circumstances just really wasn't good enough. I wanted to call her – went as far as picking up the phone and hitting the first few numbers… but chickened out. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't know what to say – wasn't sure if hearing from me would help or hinder."

Again, the President realized that he was falling into that same sentimental trap and had to pull back. He glanced over to his son who appeared to be completely withdrawn. Laguna had a horrible feeling that he'd inadvertently managed to fall into another trap, while trying to avoid the other. Leave it to him to ask a simple question that would have anything but a simple answer.

Squall, for his part, was still lost on the fact that both Laguna and Zell seemed to know this specific fact about Rinoa. Truthfully, he had virtually tuned out the last part of Laguna's comments. It was something easy to do, but this time it had been done for completely other reasons.

Squall racked his brain, trying to recall anything Rinoa might have said about hockey three years ago, yet nothing seemed familiar - nothing even remotely close registered. Not even a single memory about any sports in general, unless Triple Triad had been radically redefined. Their sports-related history was limited having a group conversation on a basketball court, and fighting enemies on an ice hockey rink. True, that _was_ hockey per se, but the only thing that stuck out about that day was Irvine and Zell's joint irritation about having to fight on ice, and falling often while doing so.

The only possible hockey-based memory Squall had that even remotely related to Rinoa wasn't in the past, but something quite recent. The night he went back for her in Timber, he briefly remembered a very random phone conversation. He was slightly ashamed to admit that his focus had been more on watching her, rather than listening, but he vaguely recalled a list she gave. In between something about papier-mâché, special effects, and complaining that Angelo hogged the entire couch, she uttered something along the lines of 'Galbadia has the best mascot.'

"Has she always liked hockey? Or is this a new thing?" Squall asked, worried about hearing the answer. He, himself, had never paid much attention to professional sports; he always seemed to have other activities and priorities to attend to. There wasn't even a moment that crossed his mind that she'd be interested in something like that. But, back then, there were a lot of things that never seemed to cross his mind – and he would learn from those mistakes.

It had taken some time, but the reality finally dawned on Zell. The dots were often hard to connect to form the big picture; it never occurred to him that the commander had been this unaware of the past. There were certain social aspects of everyone's lives that the commander had missed. It wasn't just because Squall wasn't around - it was because he was always busy. There was always just_ one_ more meeting, or_ one_ more report, or_ one_ more application that needed to be processed – that so many of his friends' social calendars didn't include him.

They always wanted him there. But, given the truth, he was the one to exclude himself.

Zell looked at him awkwardly. It was one thing for them all to know the facts, but it was another saying them directly to his face. If they had told him back then, it would have fallen on deaf ears, but today, the martial artist knew it would do anything but. He didn't want to hurt his friend, but it was another truth he would learn to face.

"I'm sorry…but yeah, she's always been a big fan. In fact, huge fan. Back when she was living at Garden, her and Irvine started having get-togethers on game nights - both being natives from Deling, they kinda had this weird brotherly/sisterly hockey bond. Throw Selphie into the mix - who vehemently loved the Trabia Blazers and was very verbal about that love, well… let's just say if those two teams played each other, it could get very heated. All on a very friendly level, of course, but still it made Quistis and I glad to sit back and be thankful we're from a hockey teamless-town. Hell, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was just there for the endless salsa and chips… It's _free_ food man, hard to pass up."

"And I was?" Squall questioned, although he had no idea why. He knew the answer, maybe to hear it from Zell was the pain he deserved.

"Working, training, missions – kinda the whole 'commander package' wrapped up in workaholic bow, I guess. It wasn't your thing and Rinoa was aware, we all were. She said she started to ask you once, but you cut her off and she took the clue. The whole 'party thing' wasn't just about the sports, but also about the socializing and you weren't a fan of either. Pick and choose your battles, you know? Forcing you to watch a three hour game that you had no interest in, while the girls, and Irvine, were cheering loudly at the top of their lungs… Well, having you miserable wasn't going to do anybody good. It's not like us getting together was an all the time thing either, just during season, but it was still fun. Except playoffs… then _not_ as fun."

In a moment of anger, or misplaced regret, Squall slammed his hand on the table, startling both Laguna and Zell. It was rare to see an emotional outburst from him before, but given the pressure, it was becoming a little more commonplace.

"Why in the hell do I know that Lauren is a huge a fan of Trabian Blazers, but I didn't have a clue that Rinoa even like the damn sport?"

It was one of those moments that Laguna didn't analyze, but just spoke from his heart.

"Honestly, Squall, I don't know enough about your relationships with either to understand completely. Still, even though I don't know Rinoa as your girlfriend, I do know her as my friend. I'd say Zell was right when he mentioned 'picking and choosing battles.' Rinoa knows how you feel and respected your choice. It wasn't a battle she wanted to fight. Maybe, to Rin, discovering things like what sports team she liked was something she wanted you to find out during your relationship. While Lauren was more direct and felt comfortable stating things outright. Neither is wrong, they just have different ways of getting to the same destination, but…"

The President paused before offering the next lines. This was the closest thing to advice he had ever offered his son, even more surreal was that it was about relationships.

"…But sometimes, it really isn't about the destination - it's about the journey. It's about the path you've taken to get there and all the details you learn about each other along the way. Maybe she never went through with asking you, because she knew that she'd be turned down. Sometimes it's easier believing you know the answer - rather than having to go through the pain of hearing it."

Squall bowed his head, combing his fingers through his hair. The only person he felt aggravation towards was himself; he was the only one to blame. "It's always been little details that matter and it's the little details that I chose to ignore… And honestly, Rinoa was right about not inviting me. I would have found any excuse to stay the hell away. It's something I would have hated. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth."

"Yes, but you admitted the truth," Laguna said with sad smile, "I lost my chance to make amends and that cycle nearly repeated with you two…. But before moving forward, here's what you need to ask yourself – how would this situation be any different today? Even if it sounds like it, this isn't about watching hockey games on television. It's about the meshing two personalities. Neither of you can be someone you're not – and if you try to be, then everything will be repeated."

In that second, Squall realized that three people had been right about the type of person Laguna Loire truly was.

Kiros was right in the sense that Laguna could understand people on the most basic of emotional levels. He might not have been the most conventional leader by textbook definition, but he was leader that made you want to follow him.

Rinoa had been right too. Sometimes Laguna could say exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time. Squall just had too much anger and resentment to listen before, but circumstances had forced him to open his eyes. The commander wasn't going to ignore the past, but he wasn't going to let it consume him either.

And Laguna himself was also correct. He could often get tongue-tied, that fact was more than evident, yet when the President managed to follow the best advice Raine had ever given him, to just relax and be yourself, his words were unparalleled.

 

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Five: Shades of Gray** _

* * *

_ **   
** _

As the commander walked down the hall, Laguna's question seemed to be haunting him.

"_How would this situation be any different today?"_

This wasn't about hockey or even her liking the sport, it never was. Hockey was just the unlikely catalyst that led to a string of realizations. These last few days were essentially about taking that mental sketch he had made of Rinoa – erasing, drawing, shading and, in essence, making it only a ghost of what it once was. The basics were still there, but the picture had gone far beyond what he'd remembered.

In both versions, there was always beauty in the subject - that was never in question.

She was, at the core, the same amazing person he fell in love with five years ago – only now it was the composition's details that had become the focal point. Still, no matter how many added eraser marks or errant pencil lines there were, he knew that just looking at it from afar, taking it at face value, would never be as beautiful as getting to discover all the imperfections.

As he reached the bedroom door, the one they had shared the night before, he wondered what the protocol for this should be. In essence, this was his room too - at least temporarily. Normally, he wouldn't bother to knock on his own bedroom door. Still, this was about defining boundaries, and respecting her privacy. Because of that, he offered a quick knock before entering.

The small fact that Rinoa _had not _said the words 'come in' dawned on him only after he had begun to open the door. It was these subtle rules of etiquette that would still take some adjustment. There was also some irony in the fact that, five years ago, _he_ was upset with this very thing. She had this knack for barging into his dorm without warning but, then again, he also seemed to have this knack for forgetting to lock the door.

Back then, 'not entering without permission' was such an easy concept, or at least it was to him, that he couldn't understand why she had failed to grasp it. Of course, with the passage of time, he realized how easy it was to become distracted or lost in thought. Worse yet, for him, his complacency had become the norm, and this dynamic was magnified in his relationship with Lauren. There was no personal expectation of privacy in his apartment on her part, yet in the office, it was quite the opposite – both demanded it.

Of course, the whole point was moot and why he was even comparing two incomparable relationships was beyond _his grasp_ this time. Most likely because it was a distraction from 'hockey,' although the subject matter wasn't any better…

Forcing himself back in the present, he was surprised at Rinoa's reaction - or rather _lack thereof_. She was sitting motionless on the bed with an expression he couldn't read. He was generally curious why she left the table in the first place, but again, this fell within the boundaries of respect. If and when Rinoa wanted to talk, he'd be there – just as she was for him this morning.

Even her words offered no clues as to her mood. "Squall, you scared me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. Is everything all right?" It wasn't meant as prying, just honest concern.

"Yes, fine."

Squall still sensed that something was off. He found himself fighting that nagging, suspicious feeling again, but there would be a chance to talk this out later. There were time-related issues at hand that needed to be addressed.

Taking a step in, he closed the door behind him. "Sorry, I didn't want to bother you… but something came up after you left, although rather small in the grand scheme here. Apparently, Ward's going to be here in about fifteen minutes, give or take… and since is this is kind of team effort, I wanted to run it by you."

"Really?"

She was shocked - not so much by Ward coming, as that was almost a given, but stunned by her inclusion. While it was flattering, and God it was, it was hard for her to see that she carried the same amount level of investment as the others. Whether another person found out that Squall was alive didn't seem like a decision she should make. She believed the final decision should be left to the two SeeDs…or, even more so, the headmaster.

Rinoa remained on the bed, hands resting on her lap, as she found herself unsure how to respond. She didn't want to come across as ungrateful but, at the same time, it really didn't seem like her place to validate this decision.

…But there was one response that instinctually came to mind.

"Thank you."

She didn't elaborate. It was just something that needed to be said – that_ she_ needed to say. This moment was a far cry from years ago and she never doubted his sincerity. Squall wasn't asking just to appease his girlfriend. He honestly wanted and, more importantly, valued her input. There would never be enough 'thank-yous' in the world to explain how much this touched her.

With a thin smile, she continued, trying to piece together an answer. "I guess, the truth in the matter is, Ward knowing doesn't bother me… but, in the same breath, I can't say that I'm affected by him finding out either. It's honestly flattering you asked and thought of me this way… It's just that, in the end, as much as it pains to admit it, this is a SeeD mission – yes, I'm helping, but in the long run, this isn't my future career at stake."

Looking down to her hands, she paused as her entire mouth felt parched. After hearing those words leave her mouth, she needed to refocus and, just like earlier at the table, without betraying her fears, she found the drive to recover.

"You, Garden, the headmaster… because of your positions, you're the ones that will be facing the fallout. We both know what's most likely coming is going to be hell for someone. The outcome will only help at first – the more people realize how hurt they are about the lie, the bigger the resentment will grow. The sad part of this world is that as much as people need a hero to look up to, they equally need scapegoats to blame."

Stopping for a moment, she stood from the bed, looking him in the eyes. "You came in her wanting my opinion, right? So, I'll give you the only answer that makes sense to me – because getting a hold of Cid within the next ten minutes is likely impossible, I think the final decision honestly falls to you and Zell. _You're _the ones who represent Garden's interests – _you're _the future of Garden."

There was a distinct sadness in her voice during the last lines of her answer. Even though he was well-aware of her behavior, he hadn't yet made the connection between her emotions and those words in particular. In fact, between her earlier outburst, her unwillingness to talk, and her seemingly cold demeanor now, he was quickly remembering why he felt that he was caught in a constant mind game. He didn't doubt her words; he just knew there was something deeper behind them and that was what upset him. It was all too familiar.

"Look, Rinoa, I was _trying."_ The word came out sounding bitter, that was never his intention. Yet, even after he realized this, he hadn't the desire to correct the possible misconception. "The fact is we all have something invested in this… and we're a team. At least, I thought we were a team. I thought this was about our future, but if _you _don't see it that way then maybe-"

He had to stop before he said something he would regret. That also was something he knew far too much about. It would be best for both of them to step back and discuss this later when they were less stressed and had clearer heads. Just like the kitchen, he raised his hands in surrender and started to walk away, but stopped the instant a hand reached around his bicep. He turned back about, their eyes meeting in an almost defiant lock.

"Squall, wait what did you mean?" The fact that he had mentioned the future offered hope. Unfortunately, there was no way for him to understand what her question had meant.

He furrowed his brow, unsure where this was going. "What do you mean, what do I mean?"

"I meant, what did your statement mean?"

"This is going in circles," he said in disbelief. Oh, yes, this is what he remembered. Exactly.

Sighing in frustration, Rinoa stated the now very obvious conclusion. "Somehow, I think we're still having communication issues."

"Good guess. Although, I think that's more on your end than mine."

"_Wha-?" _Still in shock, she didn't say the entire word. The sorceress only managed to mouth the first sound as she remained dumbfounded.

"Look Rinoa, I'm not good at this. Most likely, I'm never going to be and I'm certainly not going to stand here and pretend that I understand whatever your goddamn problem seems to be with me. I don't get you and your attitude. This morning, there was hope and now everything seems to be going to hell. And it's like… all the aggravation I remember from before is coming back – and that fucking scares the hell out of me. This is it. I've laid all my cards on the table – the rest is up to you. I might not always say the right things or ask the right questions, but I want to make _us _work."

Then he let out a cynical laugh, looking her in the eyes. "You know, for a guy whose 'supposed' downfall is not expressing himself at the right time, there seems to be a lot of role-reversal going on lately. In the kitchen, I tried to talk to you and I was literally waved off. I come in here, and I get the same basic response. _Nothing_. I can't wrap my mind around whatever happened in the last few hours. From all I can gather, this seems to have started over some damn creamer. Yet, I don't believe that you're somehow that invested in my coffee habits to garner this type of response. I'm still not sure what I did, but whenever you decide to tell me where I screwed up, I'd be more than glad to hear it."

Lowering her head, Rinoa took a step back from him. The truth was, in that moment, she felt ashamed knowing that his anger was warranted. This was about her doubts and insecurities, she was the one accountable. He had also been right about the role-reversal, but it wasn't until he pointed it out that the picture became clear.

Three years ago, she was usually the verbal aggressor, desperately trying to get him to explain himself, his feelings, or simply trying to get him to recognize his emotions. Now, when she was directly confronted, she was the one finding it hard not to hide behind the mask she'd crafted over the last years.

And when faced with admitting the truth to herself, she knew. Rinoa was scared that she would end up putting her heart so fully into this relationship that the pain of rejection would only hurt more. The closer they got to the end of the mission, the more the fears seemed to take hold. The first few days were unreal but, just like those doubts in bed this morning, reality slowly crept into fantasy.

He had promised to always be there, but he wasn't. He had promised to be her knight and protect her, but he didn't. Now he had promised to leave Garden – and she wanted to believe him. But yet, true to form, the moment she had allowed her mind to drift to converting spare bedrooms into exercise rooms, he asked Kiros to work with him. It might have been an off-handed, flippant remark on Squall's part, but it didn't hurt any less. In the end, this was about his future and the unspoken implications about remaining at Garden.

When she still hadn't managed an answer, he found her silence a source of great frustration. He was at least thankful that she hadn't exacerbated the situation by replying with a snide 'whatever.' Although, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that might have been a well-deserved backhanded jab at him.

Taking the entirety of their situation into consideration, he had to remember how overwhelming this all was and years of mutual silence couldn't be just overlooked in five days. They could not just pick up and start where things left off but, honestly, that was a damn good thing. He would never want that relationship back with her - he wanted this one.

"I'm sorry. Everything I meant to say was somehow screwed up between my brain thinking it and my mouth speaking it. It all came out sounding worse than it ever should have... I feel as if I'm really trying right now, but communication between us isn't exactly a two-way street."

It was his turn to mask the pain. This pain wasn't hers; it was a self-inflicted result from actions, and inactions, from years past. "Rinoa… I found out by chance that you're a huge hockey fan. I was your fucking boyfriend for two years and didn't even have a clue you've loved the sport since childhood. It was one thing for Zell to know, but hearing this from Laguna… It's just that – God, who were we back then? Did I even know you?"

"You did… better than anyone." Rinoa never doubted those words. He might not have known the more superficial aspects of her life, but he knew more about her than any living soul. It was also that same knowledge he used against her, but that was something better left unsaid. In the same respect, she knew him or at least what he allowed her to glimpse.

"I want to believe that… but now this just scares me. What if we never have the ability to know one another - when we can't even talk about what's going on here?"

She turned away. He was right. Maybe her refusal to talk was because she was afraid of his answer, afraid of the future, or afraid of what could happen if they did follow through. The unknown was always filled with uncertainty. It was easier believing in the lie than knowing how this could end. If he returned to Garden, even for a little bit, she knew how the story would play out - to help with the transition, he would stay one week, then two, and before both had known any better, they would have spent a lifetime waiting on a dream that would have never come to fruition.

He said he had laid all his cards out on the table. Maybe it was time she no longer hid behind her hand.

"Squall… were you serious about moving to Timber? I know things are often said in the heat of the moment and it wouldn't be fair to hold you to something that wasn't right. I know what you said to the headmaster, but I also know Garden has a way of tethering people. Besides a few fragmented memories, it's the only home you've ever known. I'm not sure how I can take that from you."

"I- what?" This honestly surprised him and now he was the one at a loss for words. This entire line of thinking had come from nowhere. In fact, now he started to wonder if she wasn't projecting her doubts.

He knew what he wanted. He knew from that moment that bullet tore through his skin. Hell, he knew before that. There was nothing he could do but stare in disbelief.

This time, it was his silence that seemed depictive. Wrapping her arms around herself, she turned back to look at him. "It's okay, really."

"_No_," he answered rather forcefully, "it's_ not_ okay. Why are you even asking this? What would make you… seriously, what possibly gave you the idea that I wouldn't want to?"

She shook her head, taken aback by his reaction. "I mean, well, you kinda did… It's just when you mentioned Kiros working at Garden - just the way you said it – it was so definite sounding. You sounded as sure about that as you did about moving to Timber. I guess what I'm getting at is that if you're second-guessing now, how would you feel in six months, a year? You're going to wake up one day and, well, you know it would end… The truth will hurt now, but later it …I can't. I just can't. Not again."

He couldn't watch as her body trembled. He knew that she was trying not to cry or show weakness; she was fighting back emotions just to appear strong – maybe he did know her. In that moment he shared her pain. He knew about second guessing and misgivings; it had unfortunately become his life's unwanted motto.

From adolescence to now, he had many doubts – but this wasn't one.

He reached out, gently taking her hand that now rested by her side. Without words, he pulled her to him, offering his strength for both to share. Now that he had uncovered the root of the problem, he could relate to her self-preservation. She might have misinterpreted what he'd meant, but he had been responsible for planting that seed of doubt. Truthfully, this could have been avoided from the beginning if he had just made a simple correction.

History gave precedence and, in military terms, hers was a preemptive strike – a defensive move to protect herself. In fact, only a few minutes before, he was no better as his irritation wasn't only based on the current situation, but off of memories as they resurfaced. It seemed that for the both of them, the past influenced how they interpreted things now.

It wasn't right, but it wasn't exactly wrong either. This made him circle back to Laguna's earlier question, relating it to the situation at hand – they had to figure out how they were going to handle these problems in the present, rather than basing it off differences of the past.

He honestly wished they had more time. Still, it was better to 'scratch the surface' in the next few minutes rather than let it all stew and build over the next few hours.

Letting out a long breath, he pulled back slightly, keeping their bodies wrapped in a loose embrace. This honestly was something that never needed to get this far. Again, he could have avoided this, but it never occurred to him that it could have been read into so deeply. To him, it was only a fleeting thought that passed just as quickly as it appeared.

"Rin, about what I said earlier… I was serious about working with Kiros – somebody like that doesn't come around often, but I never said anything about _Garden_. It was Zell that mentioned the whole Garden thing and that they could use someone with his skills. The truth is, I realized what he said, but didn't think about it enough to correct him – or at least not for the reason you're thinking – and that's on me. I honestly never thought you'd take it as any sign of doubt. If I did, believe me, I would have mentioned Zell's mistake right then and there. The most amazing thing is that I almost found it ironic that he had forgotten I'd given my resignation. I was also glad he didn't correct himself as I didn't see that as the time or place to go into the fact that I was leaving SeeD."

Rinoa put her hand over her mouth in an act of both embarrassment and shock. It was Zell who had gone on about Garden. Her mind had jumped to conclusions without taking the time to see the facts for what they really were, not what she had believed them to have been. There was a time when she would have always believed the best, and she did she want to believe again like her younger self more than anything, but she also wanted to question, like her older self – she wanted to believe, but not blindly; she wanted trust, but wisely.

In an attempt to reassure her, he gently traced her jaw line and smiled. She wanted to say something more, but right now, she was ashamed she had let it get this far. If she had just said something in the kitchen, things would have been vastly different – he was right about their lack of communication. It was so easy to believe it was always him, but this just proved that the issue belonged to both.

To lighten the mood, he explained the real reason why he never corrected Zell. "You know, if Laguna found out I was resigning my position _and_ moving to Timber – we both know it would have just led to another thousand questions. After the whole 'Chocobo incident' earlier, I figured we'd veered off track enough for one afternoon. If anything, I thought I'd spring it on him later… when he had time to recant his glory days of youth working for the Timber Maniacs. We both are well-aware he probably has million stories he wants to tell with every excruciating detail intact… So, are we okay here? I mean, is this what was wrong?"

"I- I mean, yes, that's basically what it boils down to… I just thought that…"

"I know what you thought _now_, but it honestly didn't occur to me then. I also get you're probably predisposed to think that way, which I get… the reasons are obvious for both of us. I think we both have things that can trigger a certain thought or response from us and that isn't going to change overnight."

Still holding her hand, he began moving toward the door. As an afterthought, he turned and gave her a few last words of reassurance. "Just get it through that stubborn head of yours that you're not getting rid of me that easily this time, alright? If I say something, or do something, please talk to me – two-way street, remember?"

As he stared into her eyes, he saw a glimmer of that optimistic teenager he had fallen for years ago. The hope was always there but given the last few years, her emotions were sometimes clouded. Rinoa's demeanor lacked the tension of earlier but, even in the moment, the cynicism was hard to completely dissolve. She weakly smiled, wishing it was all this easy.

"You make it sound so simple."

"It isn't, but who wants simple?"

"It's overrated." Nodding her head slowly, she needed to believe.

To make the circle complete, she added, "Squall, your original question – about my opinion on Ward. I think you should – _we should_ \- tell him. Given his friendship with Laguna and all he's done in our past, he deserves to find out from us firsthand. I'll always be indebted to him. No words could ever thank him enough for letting you through at the Sorceress Memorial… I mean, if he didn't tell the soldiers to stand down, who knows where we'd be? Our lives could be a completely different story. Even now, without knowing the reasons why he's running around, he's helping our mission. It seems like a pretty obvious decision – it may not be Garden's choice, but I think it should be ours. He's part of the team now – _our team_."

"Ha, I knew you had an opinion," he said slyly. Raising an eyebrow, the commander felt it was his turn to point out the obvious. "You _always _have an opinion."

His last not-so-witty comment was met with a playful slap on the arm.

"Sure Rinoa, blame the poor messenger. Anyways, ready to go tell another person that the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated? Well, after one minor detour. Speaking of which, we need to hurry."

"What detour?"

He didn't reply with words, instead, he replied with actions. He had to admit there was something enjoyable about keeping her guessing. These were little surprises he had done before, they weren't completely foreign, but back then they were _very _few and _very_ far between. Silently, he led her out of the bedroom and back to the others. Ward was still thankfully absent, which worked as a positive. It hopefully allowed his timing to be exact – a skill that he had worked hard to perfect in his line of work. By now, Kiros had rejoined the group and the three men had retaken their previous spots at the table.

The commander impatiently cleared his throat to get the group's attention. Squall wasn't sure if they didn't hear them enter the room or if they were casually ignoring them for privacy's sake.

"I just want to say something," Squall began, sounding more the part of a commander rather than a boyfriend. Rinoa smiled nervously, glancing between the man standing next to her and the three at the table.

"When I brought up the idea of working in the future, it unintentionally came off as misleading."

At this point, Zell had mentally shrugged off the announcement. Not that it wasn't important, but because he already knew the words that would most likely follow. There was very little suspense on his end. Well, besides dissecting Squall's body language as they waited. He appeared confident and was relaying the part – chin up, eyes forward, standing straight, shoulders slightly rolled back, and his legs hip-width apart.

Mumbling under his breath, the martial artist cursed that damn tape self-help tape – as even when he wasn't _trying_ to notice things like posture, he damn well was. But far as the whole 'Squall moving to Timber' thing, part of him had truthfully forgotten. Time had become completely skewed over the course of the mission and memories had become almost surreal.

"To clarify, when this mission is over, I technically will no longer have a job..." Squall let his last words trail a little before coming to a complete stop.

He glanced over to Rinoa, but never broke the militant façade. His actions seemed off to her and if she had to guess, it almost felt as if he was intentionally prolonging the announcement. Then again, given the conversation a few minutes before, she was surprised that he was doing this in the first place. He had stated that his reason for not doing so originally was because it wasn't the time or place – not to mention, he dreaded the inquisition.

Kiros was surprised by Squall's comment, but he also had an inkling that the statement couldn't quite be taken at face value. That was another benefit working with Laguna – even interrupting others became easier. It became second nature to read between the lines, more importantly, learning to wait for some lines to be said before trying to read between them.

Laguna had taken the statement to heart, however.

His mind had initially believed that Squall's leaving was a forced issue. Worse yet, the idea of Garden finding a way to turn this around and holding their commander responsible, although that even seemed like a long-shot to him, Garden would try to capitalize on Squall's situation, not condemn it.

It took all of Laguna's self-restraint not to say something, but a little voice told him to just wait this out; Laguna could often be emotional, so he decided to remain quiet, at least until Squall was finished. Coincidently, right after that decision, the President actually heard Kiros whisper 'just wait' under his breath.

"Squall?" Rinoa finally questioned, unsure why he had paused so long. Unknowingly, she had done the same thing as Laguna - automatically thought the worst.

It was only a moment later when Squall heard his cue. "A few days ago, I gave the headmaster my resignation over the phone… finding Sirtis will be my last mission with SeeD. After this, I'll be moving and looking for a new job… in Timber."

Nobody had time to properly respond as Ward walked in the room holding a large box of files. Almost everyone turned their attention towards the doorway, meaning all but Laguna; he was still in shock about the news and yet equally as proud.

Another moment or two of awkward silence passed before Zell couldn't help himself. Tossing his hands up dramatically in the air, he shouted, "Surprise!"

"Look, Ward's speechless," Kiros deadpanned, trying to also defray some of the tension.

The comment caused a bit of laughter from the martial artist. "So is Laguna, although I'm guessing it's for different reasons."

Kiros stood up, taking the files out of Ward's hands and placing them on the table. "I think it's best if you have a seat, this may take a while to explain."

Rinoa shook her head, realizing what Squall had managed to do. "Clever." She sarcastic whispered, leaning over to him.

"Hopefully, clever enough – let's see if diverts questions."

It didn't for long…

"You're… moving to Timber?" Laguna finally asked.

"Yes, I am."

After sparingly answering the question, Squall then ushered Rinoa toward the table. It was probably best to take a page from Ward's book and return to their seats.

"_Wow_…this is just. Wow. You know, that's one of the few places I never lived. …But I did work for the Timber Maniacs and those were some great, great times, in fact, let me tell-"

Kiros put a hand up. "Laguna, not to cut you short, but that's best left for later. We really should fill Ward in on everything – he just walked into a very odd situation, to say the least."

Rinoa and Squall exchanged quick looks with one another, but he never had to say a word. His outwardly-expressionless face to her was an obvious, "told you," while hers was a mixture of delight and amusement. She remained in awe of his foresight. He was able to both appease her while avoiding a flood of questions. What was even more impressive was that he had cunningly managed to have Kiros do the so-called 'dirty work.'

Over the next few minutes, Zell and Rinoa took turns going over the important details of the mission. Together, they gave a condensed version of how everyone eventually ended up in Esthar, more specifically, at Laguna's front door. The martial artist handled the SeeD aspect, while Rinoa covered the more recent events. Squall found himself thankful he wasn't put on the spot again. At one point, he was starting to believe he would be forced to tell the entire populous of the world – one person at a time.

Ward seemed to grasp the main points, and it did explain why he was researching the time encompassing Adel's reign. It had been more or less Laguna's decision to leave the past in the past, so researching that period was something Ward, or any of them, hadn't run into often.

After Rinoa finished explaining, there was a lull in the conversation. To everyone's surprise, Zell snickered loudly, drawing all eyes to his direction.

"So Zell… care to share this amusing thought with the rest of the class?" Rinoa sarcastically asked. She wanted to roll her eyes at him, but didn't feel like exerting the time or effort.

Plus, knowing his recent state-of-mind and Irvine-like ways, he would say something that would warrant the action at tad more. The fact was she doubted that she, or the others, wanted to hear this, but apparently she was a glutton for punishment.

"Just hearing you finishing the story – about why we ended up telling Laguna – it just got me thinking, which led to the snickering. Think of how amusing this will be with your father."

"Yeah, Zell… _Not _amusing." If she was only given one word to describe her father – "amusing" would be conveniently absent from the list.

"No, no, no… I mean normally anything to do with Caraway is far from amusing but… I'd _sooo _love to see his reaction to this whole situation."

"Yes, spreading the joy with him is atop my priority list. Really." The sarcasm was more than evident in her voice.

"As it is mine," Squall stated dryly, his cynicism equally matching hers.

"I think you two are looking at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from the wrong perspective. I mean, really think of all the fun you guys can have messing with-" When the martial artist realized he wasn't getting anywhere, he tried another track. "Okay, starting over, let's break it down. Rin, you have all Squall's money and stuff from the will right?"

That question made both Rinoa and Squall flinch. Again, it was a subject that neither had broached and certainly something neither had expected to be questioned about point blank. It was obvious that it needed to be addressed – apparently a little_ sooner _than later now. Rinoa swore under her breath, desperately trying to fathom why she wasn't hitting her friend with a Silence spell.

Some things in her life were obvious, some things were not – keeping Zell quiet seemed most definitely among the former. It was just sheer willpower holding her back. Not to mention the awkward factor between her and Squall suddenly measured off the scale.

After she realized that they were still awaiting her answer, she finally managed a, "…Yeah."

Afraid to hear the next words out of his mouth and under the impression that Zell was clearly intent on making her life as uncomfortable as humanly possible, casting that Silence spell was looking like a damn good alternative right now. Having already mentioned her father and the will, all she needed was for Lauren to be dumped into the conversation and then she'd have hit the trifecta of awkward.

The martial artist leaned the chair back on two legs before continuing. "Okay, okay… so here's what you do when this is all over - go visit your father before news gets around… to tell him about your new boyfriend. You know, the guy who you started seeing a few weeks ago and is already moving in. If that isn't enough to make Caraway squirm, wait 'til you then go on to explain your boyfriend also has no _money_, no _job_, no _home_, and his last known address was a van. Think of the fun! Bonus points if he says, 'well, at least it's better than Squall,' because then you can laugh your ass off. Just sayin'."

The sorceress couldn't help her reaction as the mental image sent her into a fit of laughter. Even the commander couldn't hide the fact that he found humor in the idea.

Managing to compose herself, Rinoa had to admit there would be some ironic beauty in it. "All right… gotta admit that I so want to do that now. I really, really do…and that's probably very, very wrong of me… but hey, how can he argue? The guy thrives on the facts and demands his subordinates get to the point – so telling him that way is both truthful and accurate."

Laguna also enjoyed picturing the straight-laced man's reaction. Given his history with General Caraway, there might have been a 'tad' bit of harmless payback in the idea, although he knew better than to voice that fact. He was supposed to be the older, wiser father-figure in the room so saying, 'Go for it!' wouldn't reflect that all too well. Then again, if Rinoa was to ask about a future birthday present, a video tape of that exchange would top his list.

Again, it was one of those things best left unsaid…

The sound of an unfamiliar electronic ring filled the air and Kiros raised his hand as if to single for everyone to remain quiet. There was a good amount of tension in the air. It seemed that every phone call carried the same degree of uncertainty as of late. The group remained silent as the aide mostly listened; whoever was at the other end was doing most of the talking. The call lasted barely thirty seconds but, by its end, several doubts would be erased, yet several more questions would inevitably arise.

Kiros closed his phone, calmly announcing, "He's in Esthar."

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Six: Up the Long Ladder** _

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"Sirtis?" Laguna asked in confirmation.

The question wasn't honestly needed but, in cases like this, verifying was never a bad idea.

The aide nodded as he answered. "Yes, two of my men confirmed it - one even exchanged 'hellos' with him while in full dress. It was before they had received notification that he was a person of interest."

A chill ran through Rinoa's body as she remained deadly silent. It was one thing when the killer's whereabouts was based on speculation, but it was another thing all together_ knowing _he was in the same city. In her mind, it also brought renewed urgency to the case. Not to say it wasn't always important, it was, but this also served as a wake-up call to reality.

To her, it also begged the bigger question, 'what the hell was Sirtis doing in Esthar?' Was it because he had decided on a new target or was he just retreating to somewhere familiar? As any security she found over the last days ebbed, it quickly was replaced with an all-too familiar sense of helplessness.

With her emotional response, Rinoa had overlooked an important factor about the news. The fact that a call _was made at all_ however, hadn't slipped by the commander, nor would he be the type to let it go without question; he just honestly wasn't sure how to go about bringing it up.

Even still, the commander wanted to get a few facts straight before bringing up the bigger question. Articulating his words firmly, Squall carefully asked, "So, about this exchange…do you think it was meant as baiting when he talked to your man? Or is there a possibility that the two knew each other, possibly an old military acquaintance or even a friend?"

Squall had some degree of difficulty believing that Duncan Sirtis would be casually strolling out in the open, speaking to random soldiers no less. Sirtis was intelligent, trained, and cunning. It seemed like every action would be planned and calculated – he wasn't the type of suspect to leave certain things to chance. It was rather known that suspects often tried to immerse themselves into the investigation in some respect, but outwardly trying to bait the soldiers was rather bold.

As for Kiros, he understood Squall's concerns. As a leader, he could relate up to a point. In all truthfulness, the fact that some of Esthar's currently-active soldiers might have worked alongside Sirtis had also crossed his mind. Before he was reassigned due to his sharpshooting skills, Sirtis had served in other regiments. That didn't even take into account any relationships that predated his enlisted career. The man was born and raised in Esthar, there were bound to be ties to his past.

Still, as their military leader, Kiros had to believe and trust in his men's loyalty. Over the last twenty-odd years, they had never given him a reason to question their allegiance and because of that, he wouldn't start to do so now.

"There's nothing to indicate that my man and Sirtis had been friends, or even past acquaintances. The gentleman who called has an exemplary military career that extends well over two decades. Yes, we can't discount the possibility he and Sirtis had crossed paths but, without digging, I'm inclined to take the conversation at face value. With all that said, I highly doubt that my officer would have brought it up at all if it was more than just a friendly acknowledgment from his end."

Kiros had a point that Squall would concede to, as it would have been simpler to leave that fact out if it hadn't been just an innocent exchange of pleasantries. With that out of the way, it was time to address the main issue – _why _was the call made in the first place.

"There are six of us in the room right now and, up until a few minutes ago, only five were aware of the suspect's identity."

The commander crossed his arms, directing his full attention towards Kiros. "So how is it then that your man called, letting you know Duncan Sirtis was spotted in Esthar? No matter how useful the information may be… I'm at a loss of how anybody – outside of this room – knows who we're looking for. I'm aware we talked about your sources, looking into rumors about Katipo – but looking into a project isn't the same as identifying a suspect. I don't exactly remember a group decision to make this public knowledge. Apparently working 'with Esthar' has a few strings attached."

"…As does working with SeeD." The tone Kiros spoke in never wavered. It was even, but held an edge of sharpness.

Rinoa glanced toward Zell, who had also sensed the uncomfortable shift in the air. He wanted to reassure her that this would work itself out but, knowing the determination of both men, it could take awhile before that came to fruition.

To his credit, Squall had let the comment about SeeD roll off his back for the most part. He had been equally as guilty by taking a jab at Esthar, no matter how factual it may have been. Still, by announcing the suspect's name and giving a face to the killer, Kiros had relayed vital information that even Squall had been reluctant to release. In his opinion, it was strategically-held information – the timing could be crucial.

…And in one fell swoop, Kiros had possibly fucked up any chance of making this easy, at least in Squall's opinion.

The commander was less than pleased by this revelation. He was used to being in control of the mission and having the upper hand in any given situation. Right now, he realized just how out of his hands this assignment had become. No matter how he looked at it - the moment Esthar became involved was the moment everything was shot to hell. No matter the aide's intent, this was a betrayal of the group as far as Squall was concerned. He thought the need for secrecy was understood, but then again, assumptions in this line of work often fatal.

Taking a deep breath, Squall tried to keep his voice down while addressing Kiros – if nothing else than out of respect for the others who were also present. "Sirtis was trained military. _Esthar's_ military. He knows people, he trained alongside these people. If he has close ties with any of them, they may warn him. He may go into hiding and we may never see him again. If he knows we're on to him, our idea of setting a trap has been essentially rendered useless. Hell, if he has any way to intercept faxes or follow any officially military channels, we're already screwed."

"Esthar shares your concerns," Kiros said, trying to remain diplomatic, although that too was becoming increasingly-difficult. "For that reason, the information on Sirtis was strictly need-to-know. Before arriving here, I met with a few of my top-ranked men this morning and informed them of the possible threat. They were then told to relay the information to a select few. Give or take, this includes about twenty people – one of whom just found out and notified me immediately. I've trusted them for many years, and have no reason to doubt their integrity."

"Esthar shares my concerns, _really_?" Squall shot back with contempt; that comment potentially acted as the harbinger of his undoing. There was very little Esthar shared; and Squall doubted his concerns were chief among them.

"For the most part, yes. Although, it seems to me that you're not sharing _ours," _the aide responded in a tone equal to Squall's.

"Mr. Leonhart, above all else, this Estharian soil. My duty to this country is to, first and foremost, protect our citizens, up to and including President Loire. It would have been very short-sighted of me not to inform about a wanted man's identity over some territorial issues. To ease your mind, I never explained how I came about the information. Rest assured, your presence, along with Garden's involvement, remains classified."

Kiros stopped briefly but, as an afterthought, he decided it was best to add, "And to address an earlier concern, we are not faxing anything, nor are we broadcasting the information over any channels. I can guarantee that there is no paperwork involved as something like this is best left to direct communication. These are people we can trust and they know how to keep secrets if need be."

In Squall's opinion, some things never could change, no matter outward appearances; Esthar was a living testament to that fact. They just spent the morning trying to cipher through clues because there_ was_ no paper trail. And yet, ironically enough, Kiros was trying to make those same kinds of actions sound like a _good _thing. They were, in essence, the same protocols in place years ago, but only this time, they were trying to turn the secrecy to their group's advantage.

Squall wondered how one nation could be so damn powerful while remaining so damn clueless.

This was just adding to the headache that had been steadily marching into his thoughts. Still, out of respect, Squall tried to remain professionally civil; this was a courtesy that he wouldn't have offered most if forced into this position. He wasn't the type to feel the need to explain his point of view, put simply, most would accept it, given his résumé. If they didn't, it really wasn't his problem.

"Kiros, I'm not positive how you can mention 'trust' and 'Esthar' in the same sentence and act as if we're supposed to blindly follow you. I'm more than aware of Esthar's need for secrecy. Any country that would go as far as hiding behind a cloak of smoke and mirrors for over a decade, just to avoid outside contact, has some serious issues. The Katipo project is only scratching the surface here – who the hell knows what's still underneath? As a nation, you're not exactly known for your ability to trust, or be trusted, and while I may believe, or…"

At this point, Squall stood up and extended his hands, motioning between Rinoa and Zell. "Or _they_ may believe in you, Laguna, and Ward – what you've essentially done is forced our hand in this mission… and I fucking swear to God that it have better been by accident rather than design."

His earlier self-restraint had almost faded as Squall narrowed his vision towards Kiros. The aide kept his composure, refusing to show any outward displays of weakness. After all, it had never been his intent to bring harm to any of the SeeDs or to 'force their hand.' Kiros would never do that to Laguna; to him, betraying a friend would have been a sin that could never be absolved.

Laguna had just found his son again, and by all the power he had, Kiros would never do anything that would jeopardize that. However, that didn't mean he would sit here and quietly accept hearsay as facts and opinions as truths; the aide would defend his adoptive country, just as he would defend its President.

Even if Squall was Laguna's blood – he most certainly could be an ass.

"You are letting your personal opinions cloud your judgment, Mr. Leonhart. I stated my intent was for safety reasons only and I stand behind what I've done. And all though I do respect you and your competency, I do think all this talk about trust coming from a SeeD is a little ironic. How would you rather this play out? It seems to me you're standing there, asking Esthar to… how did you say it earlier? …Ah yes, blindly will not _blindly follow_ Cid Kramer and Garden - a group designed as mercenaries that sell out to the highest bidder. While I do trust you, it's hard to 'trust' completely in your organization – they've also been known to harbor a few secrets."

At this point, Rinoa couldn't look at either Squall or Kiros. Honestly, she didn't want to look at anybody. Keeping her head down, she had vivid flashbacks to those years inside Caraway's mansion. Closing her eyes, she could recall her father's abrasive tone as he would argue and berate whatever poor sap was unfortunate to be caught in his path.

It wasn't until she was older that she learned there was often no 'right' or 'wrong.' Even people with vastly-different viewpoints could often reach the same end conclusion – as she believed to be the case here. Kiros and Squall both wanted a murderer brought to justice, with minimal collateral damage, but had two very differing ideas how to reach that point. They both spoke of trust, but even she could see that their words were just that – words.

They essentially agreed in theory – but disagreed in how to reach that end result.

"Kiros, I'm not going to stand here and argue a point that it appears your country will never come to terms with, moreover that you're too blind or proud to see for yourself. You _have_ forced our hand - not Cid's, not Garden's, but the three of us in the room. Now our mission, our future, is dependent on not only on you three, but on your entire military; the same military who, quite frankly, may be responsible for creating a killer in the first place. Whatever drove this man to kill the first place started here, with a project Esthar doesn't even want to document. So next time one of your soldiers conveniently says hello to a killer - stop and think about who made him, who his childhood friends may be, and who else in your trusted military might want to keep the truth from coming to light."

When Squall finished his statement, Rinoa knew that it was unlikely either man would back down willingly. She finally looked up, glancing over to Laguna this time. It was easier when she had looked at Zell before as he was less emotionally-invested. This was most likely mentally breaking the President; Laguna seemed to be avoiding eye-contact, which was expected, the fact that this had escalated from a simple phone call was hard to digest.

The truth was - the President had found himself in a mild state of shock. That was the only way to describe it but, with all he had gone through lately, it took very little to get to this point. He definitely took all the words and thinly-veiled insults to heart. This exchange was between his life-long friend and his son – not to mention his country lay squarely in the middle of it.

As time went on, it was apparent to all that Kiros and Squall shared quite a few traits – beside their normal reserved demeanor, they both had formidable military knowledge, and a direct approach. Now, above all, it seemed that both had an unwillingness to back down from something they passionately believed in.

And as Laguna remained silent, Squall grew frustrated.

The commander felt any ounce of control he had slipping through his fingers. Coming to Esthar was mistake; Squall knew that from the first damn moment the idea had been originally proposed. He had just fooled himself into believing that it wasn't that same xenophobic country from years ago. He honestly believed that Laguna's leadership might have made a difference, but it was more than evident the position was held in title only. Hell, he knew that three years ago when he was hired to fight a group of rebels outside the country – they were trying to stage a coup, maybe to save this damn place from its own arrogance. Esthar certainly wasn't the idealistic, picture-perfect utopia they tried to get the world to believe. How far they would go to keep the façade up was the real question of the day.

The non-response from Kiros was the final straw. "Fine, don't say anything. Apparently, I have to make a call to the headmaster."

He started to walk off, but turned around abruptly. If there was one thing Kiros had unknowingly hit on was the fact that Squall's dislike of Esthar had most likely clouded his judgment, but this small fact even went unbeknownst to Squall himself.

"I think that all of you need to look at your government's position from logical standpoint. This country was around way before the three of you strolled in twenty-some-odd years ago. I have to believe that there are those still in Esthar who feel it's best to have a few more random deaths than expose the truth. Duncan Sirtis' days are limited by his cancer and fate will silence him - but the fallout of these experiments are going to crush people, a lot of people. To believe otherwise is downright egotistical. There are most likely those in your military and government still covering up the truth and willing to look the other way. Again, your country does have a way of letting war criminals back into its society, I'm sure Dr. Odine would agree."

"Mr. Leonhart-"

"_Commander _Leonhart," Squall abruptly corrected. That had been the third time that he had been addressed incorrectly, and it would be the last.

"Commander, now you are now being downright insulting." Kiros stood up, vehemently ready to defend his position; this was also the first time he showed a crack in his normal demeanor. The aide never stopped to think about whether it was honestly the words Squall spoke - or the possible truth that might lay behind them. At the moment, he was too angry to see with clarity himself.

"To bring up Odine is crossing a line. He has done horrendous things, and will be making amends until the end of time, but this fight is not with him… And, no matter his crimes, cold-blooded murder wasn't among the charges. If you are insinuating whatsoever that Esthar would allow a murder to go free, just so to save face, you are completely wrong. That sounds more like something that Garden would be apt to do. Again, since you brought up precedence, I believe Seifer Almasy had a firm hand in the entire Ultimecia affair, not to mention the missile attack on Trabia; he got off with a slap on the wrist while Cid Kramer managed damage control. For the record, I truly believe that Garden would do anything to salvage their reputation, even covering up murder. So when you speak of trust, look in the mirror."

And then Rinoa realized it had gone too far – way too far.

It was treading into dangerously-personal territory and Squall somehow had found himself on the wrong side. He probably hadn't ever realized that it would degrade to such a point; she certainly hadn't expected it to turn like this. Kiros couldn't have known what he had said - the 'mirror' comment was only meant figuratively but, a few knew, it was also quite literal.

"Please stop."

Rinoa's words were the first ones spoken outside of the colorful exchange. Her voice was meek and pleading. Truthfully, she didn't even know if anyone had her.

…But they had and Laguna knew he could no longer sit back.

He slammed his fists on the table, causing everyone to look his way. "_That's enough._ I let you two have your say…now it's your turn to listen. I understand the loyalty you two possess - for both Esthar and Garden. Taken on an individual level, I can respect how each of you feel. But this is an important mission and we have to keep our emotions in perspective. We've all suffered… Hell, two weeks ago I thought I lost my son but, for some reason that I've yet to understand, something in my life finally worked out. But, no matter how thankful I am about that, this country still lost a valued aide. William Koenig was a friend and when he was murdered in his home, all of Esthar suffered. "

It was difficult, but the President turned toward his son first. "Squall, If at all possible, we _are_ going to keep Esthar's history out of this. It's not fair for us to disrupt the lives of thousands, if not millions, of people if it can be avoided – we're just beginning to move on as a nation... At the same time, I'll be damned if Esthar is sacrificing others' lives to cover our mistakes. We do the best we can with what we have. Is it possible that someone in our own government wants to cover it up? Absolutely. But if Kiros believes he can trust these men – we trust them. Sometimes we just have let go and believe in others – that's what I'm asking of you."

Laguna paused, directing his remarks to Kiros. "From now on, things like who _needs-to-know_ will be a decision that I'll be directly involved in… or at least something that we decide on as a group. The information we have is because of them."

Laguna nodded towards Squall, although his sentiments included all three of their guests. The President wasn't thrilled that Kiros had inadvertently breached everyone's trust, but what was done was done and moving forward was the only option. Laguna also shared responsibility with his aide's actions as he often gave his friends free reign in their positions. It was a short-sighted approach but, up until now, it had worked well for the trio. Still, the President wanted to remind his subordinate that there was a chain-of-command.

"Kiros, I also take responsibility for not following up on procedure. From what I understand, Squall hasn't even told the headmaster about Duncan Sirtis. That was simply to keep the information controlled. They gave us a name and trusted us - we owe them the same respect."

At that point, he softened his tone, looking toward Rinoa. It was her soften plea that had snapped him out of the moment. Now it was his time to offer her reassurance. "Like I said a second ago, what's done is done and this is about going forward – as a group. It's all going to work out… I think this is just hitting everyone a little close to home and speaking of home, I say we get this mission done. Just like Esthar, some things shouldn't be about the past, but about the hope of the future."

He then looked back and faced the group, although focusing on nobody in particular. "This is going to put behind us. It was said. It was done. Each of you expressed how you felt and now it's over. Right now, we take advantage of the information that Kiros received. We know that Sirtis is in Esthar or at least he was several hours ago. It's our job to keep him here and how this plays out in the end comes down to us."

* * *

In Zell's mind, things were tense, but bearable. Then again, that had become the norm of their working situation.

He had gone into the kitchen shortly after things had calmed down. Rinoa followed him a few moments later, citing that she wanted to help her friend make some sort of late lunch for everyone. It seemed that over the last days, Zell had somehow found himself in the role as the substitute cook. Honestly, he didn't mind and would even go as far as to say that he enjoyed the change of pace; food was something he'd always been fond of and, over the last years, he had found cooking was something he was quite good at.

Apparently, all those hours of helping Ma doing everything from de-boning Balamb Fish to canning raspberry preserves had inadvertently rubbed off on him. Plus, to be rather honest, being in the kitchen around here always seemed like a great excuse to get away from the drama. Oddly enough, it was the opposite growing up, as 'Ma's Kitchen' used to be the nexus of most drama in his childhood home – from the ruined apple tart incident (aka freshly-baked tarts vs. Zell's misjudged round-house kick), or Big-Bad Rascal stealing (aka 'borrowing') freshly baked chocolate-chunk cookies, before smearing the evidence into the couch upholstery.

Of course, nobody could overlook the tragedy that seemed to happen the most often - someone eating the last precious hotdog from the pack. Zell Dincht had spent many minutes in silence as he mourned the premature demise of his beloved processed meat.

Ma's kitchen was truly the epitome of drama and, sometimes, the martial artist found himself nostalgic for those days. It wasn't the same here, it never could be, but at least he could find some comfort in the memories.

As for now, although the food was cooking, it would be at least another twenty minutes. The duo had been passing time by finishing up the breakfast plates. She'd wash, Zell would dry. They had managed to find a decent rhythm. Since they began this routine at her house, doing the dishes had become an enjoyable, almost therapeutic, break from reality. The fact that both Rinoa's place and Laguna's apartment had fully-equipped dishwashers went oddly unmentioned by everyone.

Up until now, there had been little talking, beside meal-related topics. This was most likely was on propose, but now that they had found themselves back into familiar roles, both relaxed back into typical conversation. So far the topics had all been rather mundane until the martial artist had to jokingly ask her something.

"So, you think Kiros lost his job offer?"

Rinoa moaned as she started to scrub a frying pan. "You know, I was so proud of you for not bringing it up for what…a full twenty minutes or so?"

"Yeah, like you really thought I'd leave it unsaid. Silly sorceress."

Casting a sideways glance in bewilderment, she then flicked some soap bubbles in his general direction. "Zell, I'm so starting to worry about you. Let it be known henceforth that you are the first, and _last, _person to ever call me that - unless you want to be turned into a toad."

"You know, Rin, I think you're derailing the conversation here, _henceforth_," he teasingly mocked, "And as fascinating as my life as a toad may be, you've conveniently avoided answered the question."

"Can't blame a girl for trying, henceforth?"

"Henceforth," he replied firmly with a completely serious tone. It was obvious that the word had lost all meaning and they were just randomly stating it for no particular reason. He had tried to keep that same straight face, but the moment she started laughing, he had to join. It was at least the needed moment to break their earlier silence.

Finally, Rinoa had managed to compose herself. Shaking her head, she placed the pan in the drying rack, shut off the water, and turned around so her back leaned against the counter. Although she hadn't wondered about that exact scenario, Zell had managed to bring up an interesting point.

"In all seriousness, I think if the chance ever arose for them to work together, Squall would do it. I can't say that I know Kiros well enough to say for sure, but something tells me he'd also agree… One thing, as far as Squall goes, he likes someone who can challenge him, even if it isn't always for the best. Just look at that whole Seifer and Squall dynamic - they pushed each other. Their skill level most likely wouldn't have been as advanced if it hadn't been for the other one. They might have skirted the line with the rules, but they drove each other and were challenged because of it."

"Yeah, I totally agree. Those two always brought the tension. Half of the time, I was expecting an impromptu gunblade fight during class."

Zell stopped drying the dishes, joining her by resting against the counter. "Speaking of your boyfriend and tension, have you ever noticed the constant tension since this mission started? I mean think about it – first it was me and Squall, but we'll blame that on the van-from-hell... After that, the tension moved between you and Squall, which is rather self-explanatory. From there, we go to Laguna and Squall and their family issues… and now, in a completely-random pairing, we've moved on to Kiros and Squall. Just sayin,' I think there is definitely a common denominator in this equation."

"Common denominator of Squall? It sounds like some new-age math theory." Rinoa laughed. "You know, when you lay it out like that, I don't see how someone who speaks so little manages to do that so easily."

"Oh wait, you just reminded me of another 'tension-filled' pairing that seems even more impossible because they haven't even spoken to each other… I totally forgot about the dynamic duo of Zone and Squall, which, if you stop and think about it, is _really_ impressive because Zone doesn't even know he's involved. So, in that sense, we've proved that Squall doesn't even have to speak to manage to get into a conflict."

"Er…well, I think that's one that is better left to be one-sided. If things work out and Squall moves to Timber, I don't see that one ever completely resolving itself. There is just something… I don't know… it's always been there since the first mission. There's some kind of major distrust there. I mean Zone's never been one for organized military, and Squall's well… Squall. Hell, I'd rather have to deal with Squall and Seifer, because at least they have some common ground. It's going to be…"

She paused, trying not to let this get to her. "You know, I've never lied to Zone…until a few days ago and now I feel like I'm using him for information. It just isn't fair to Zone how this is all playing out. We've always had this great relationship; he and Watts were the two people I could trust through all this, but now I've screwed that up… and now with him kissing me, it's pretty much all out there. I'm going to have to face him when I go home and… how do I tell him that in the same breath I say Squall is moving in? Someone is going to get hurt. I can't look back though… leaving to help you guys was my choice. I never could change the fact I love Squall and if there is a chance, _any chance_, I have to take it. It may be selfish, but…"

Zell reached over putting his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder. She was honestly glad to have someone to talk to about this. It was difficult to bring this particular subject up to Squall. Not to mention, he honestly had bigger issues at the moment.

Rinoa looked up to her friend and the formality of 'thank you' never had to be said. He smiled as he asked her a one-word question.

"Henceforth?"

She found herself giggling. They really did make no sense and would never be able to take that word seriously ever again. "Okay, okay…_henceforth,_ I hope that Zone and Watts know I never wanted to hurt either of them. When this is over, what I've done is going to hurt Zone greatly. Watts will be more understanding, but he's always been more accepting of Squall. It just scares the hell out me that Zone may never forgive me. But he's my friend, and it may take time, but hopefully he wants me to be happy."

The arm that had been over Rinoa's shoulder gave her a consoling pat. "You know, I wouldn't worry about that. I think somehow they'll reach a mutual understanding _somehow_… not saying it couldn't get ugly. Squall can be stubborn and from what I know of Zone, I'd bet I could say the same of him…but I think that pairing, including the common denominator of Squall, will work itself out in the end."

"For your information – your use of the word 'pairing' is a little misleading and rather unsettling."

He gave her a cheesy grin. "Sorry, Alex is strangely into those nighttime teenage-drama shows. It's a kind of guilty pleasure we share – I suppose some of the terminology is slipping in. Plus, it explains how I still manage to get along with all of you guys – Garden is kinda like a revolving door of soap-operaness. And henceforth, Silly Sorceress, that doesn't leave the room. If it does, then I'll then have to bring up the fact that out of all the 'Squall' pairings- sorry, _combinations_, I've listed that only _one_ of them has an ungodly amount of sexual tension. I won't mention which_ one_ right now, but surprisingly enough, I'll just say that you're not in it."

She spun away, pushing his arm off of her in mock disgust "Bad, Zell, bad."

"Ha! See? I knew that would get you. So we have a deal – if you don't talk, I won't either."

She reached into the sink and grabbed some of the remaining bubbles clinging to the side. Taking a handful, she purposely aimed up high, managing to get some perfectly square on his ear.

"You deserved that," she teased, trying to reach for another handful of suds. Then something dawned on her and she launched another attack on him. "Actually, Mr. Dincht, you deserve to be tar and feathered, but I'm making due with the ammo I have. Do you even know what you said in there?"

He had his arms up, trying to defend himself from flying suds. "You're going to have to be more specific; I say a lot of things – only mean about half of them. Not telling you which half."

"I'm meaning that whole _will and money_ thing. I can't believe you brought it up – in front of everybody no less! That was awkward. It's not like we've even talked about it…but now it's kind out there. "

Up until this point, he had been egging her on, but was honestly curious about her comment. "Wait, wait, wait…in all seriousness, I'm not sure what you're getting at?"

She sighed, flipping the reaming soap covering her arms back into the sink. Her hands reached to the counter for support as she was still for a moment. Zell watched her and, as a casual observation, he noticed that she was closing herself off, unlike before when she faced into the kitchen.

"I mean, the fact that Squall left me everything… his property, assets, all his money. _Everything._ We haven't talked it yet or about the fact we hadn't spoken in three years and then, well…the entire inheritance. Truthfully, I had no idea of the will's existence until Xu spoke to me at the funeral."

"Rin, I had no idea either. Then again, I don't really think about what everyone else does… But the first I heard of the whole thing was after the fact, when we were already doing surveillance. Cid called and basically said that they had to follow through as if it was real. It was just a heads up to Squall. Xu was only doing her job; she's been left out of this too."

"I guess… I assumed… I mean, he said nobody knew, but Garden defining 'nobody' kinda could be interpreted in many different ways."

"As far I'm aware, well, before we kind of recruited the rest of the hockey team-"

She looked at him, unsure what his comment meant. He waved it off, forgetting that she wasn't around for that conversation. "Sorry, just an analogy, it's not important. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that - aside from myself, Squall, and the headmaster - the knowledge was very limited. The only ones I can say for sure who know are Dr. Kadowaki, as did another doctor from Dollet, Elise something-or-other. So, basically Xu had no way of knowing. She was just doing what was normal. Although, the moment Squall got that phone call, I think everything changed."

"What do you mean?" Rinoa questioned, turning to face him.

Unbeknownst to her, but something Zell saw reflected by her mannerisms, she was beginning to open up again, letting go of her momentary defensiveness.

He shrugged, it was hard to explain. "I guess, if you think about it, the moment Squall realized the will would go into effect, regardless if he was actually dead or not… there wouldn't be much doubt what he still felt for you. I mean, you two basically tried to ignore each other's existence for three years but, out of nowhere, you were going to find out that he still cared. It's almost like you two went out of the way to show how much you didn't care, but now he couldn't hide behind that. I mean, it's pretty common knowledge that we update our wills every six months at Garden… So he couldn't hide behind the 'I never got around to changing it' excuse. I mean think about it Rinoa, you were the _only one_ listed, and he had a girlfriend for over a year… So yeah, connecting the dots was going to be easy for anyone. I mean, the rest of us already could connect the dots, at least about how you two felt, but this just confirmed it."

"I was surprised." She thought back to all the emotions she felt about the will, even going as far as sitting on the floor and crying to Laguna. "At one point, I even tried to reason that he hated me, and leaving me everything was some sort of final vendetta."

"…That's kinda extreme."

"I know that now. Hell, I think I knew it then, but I had to try to rationalize. I guess it was easier to be mad at him than to face the fact he was gone forever. Do you know how hard it was to pack his things? He never let me get that close when he was alive and it was… it was only after he died -"

She stopped, realizing how much she hated when she made slips like that. "I mean, it was only after I _thought_ he'd died, I felt like I was really beginning to know him at all - from the books and magazines he read, to the art he had, and even to the trinkets he kept. I felt like I was invading the privacy of a random stranger. Whoever lived in that apartment, I never knew."

"Maybe…he didn't know himself either. I mean, yeah things changed, but things also stayed the same. He did sorta find out he liked art, at least this one picture that he had in his living room that was from the Shumi Tribe. He actually told me how impressed he was with it… But he also found out he didn't like some art – another piece in his living room that the Dobes gave him."

"Oh, God that thing that was on his coffee table, that was hideous… but I did keep that picture. It's funny, I didn't know that he liked it that much; I mean he _owned it_, but again he also _owned _that atrocious modern-art looking paperweight. I just figured he was given a lot of things too, like you said. I just really liked that picture – I suppose in some ways, it reminded me of him. In fact, Garden was supposed to be sending it to Timber. They just had to package it – so it wasn't sent with the rest of the things."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be glad you liked the painting from Artisan. Now the real question – what did you end up doing with that hideous thing? If I'm not mistaken, and I wish to God I was, I believe Flo mentioned she crafted it as a symbol or some kind of interpretation of her womb. I don't know how he kept that thing on the table…it kind of wanted to make me throw up a little in my mouth."

Rinoa's mouth had been literally hanging open. She knew the statue was odd, but she had no idea the meaning behind it. Still, knowing the history made the truth a little more amusing.

"I gave it Irvine for his office. Selphie and I found humor in how bad it was, but she didn't exactly want it at their place."

"Good girl."

"Wait until I tell Irvine what that statue actually is... Then again, he may insist on giving it back now that Squall's back. Maybe it's best just to let sleeping dogs lay with this one. I can't risk it showing up in Timber. Although, I will say that piece 'of art' was one thing we all managed to joke about when going through Squall's things. You know, it was fun to get back with Selphie and Quistis. I knew I missed them, but never knew how much, but, well…" She paused, not wanting to go down that road. "Things were awkward, but hopefully we're all on the right track now."

"Oh, you are… don't even think about that. It's our fault too for not reaching out. It was just…well, as you said, 'awkward' but, knowing what we do now, we get it. Well, I do, I'm sure they'll do too. So, now you've piqued my curiosity, did you manage to find anything of interest about our dear commander? I mean, what exactly were these so-called magazines you speak of? Want to clarify the contents?"

She let out a bitter laugh. "No Zell, I really don't. You're going to twist anything I say into something… well, Irvine-esque. I will say the one thing that we didn't find were any reminders of me. There were no photos or letters or anything that showed we even knew each other… I don't know what I was expecting, but whatever it was – it wasn't _nothing_. Well, almost nothing. We did find a piece of jewelry, but it wasn't anything I ever had."

"First, he did have pictures of you, but they weren't at his place - he kept that sort of thing in his office. I didn't realize it until after a phone call I overheard. Well, I mean, I was stuck in a van so it wasn't like I was purposely _eavesdropping_ – just wanted to clarify that point, although we both know I wouldn't be above it…. Anyway, I heard him specifically request that you never had access to his office… I didn't get it at first, but things fell into place. Keeping you out of there was easy enough and it made sense; Garden wasn't too keen on you being around a SeeD office, nothing personal… Stop and think about where our workaholic commander spent most of his time. I'm talking days and nights… and you know, his new place never had any memories of you, but his office did. I think he only kept the ring there as a reminder to himself and, like you said, it wasn't as if you actually had or wore it."

Spinning around, she grabbed his arm, forcing him to look her in the eyes. The fact that he knew about the ring didn't fit in at all.

"Wait, what? How do you know about the ring? Selphie and Quistis had no idea; we figured it was something he would rather keep to himself…but you're saying _you knew_? Truthfully, when we found it, we thought it was for Lauren, but Quistis found a dated receipt in his drawer."

"Lauren, yeah…_no_…but wow, _that_ is awkward. Also awkward you found the receipt and know how much he spent, but I guess that compared to thinking it was for someone else, price is rather a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. But no, I didn't see it until a few days ago. I had no idea that he bought it or was even thinking about it back then. I was as shocked as anyone."

"Wait, what? You mean you saw it a few weeks ago or heard about it a few days ago. Those are slightly different things there." Somehow, she didn't think this was going to bode well for her. Maybe Squall had brought it up during the mission, maybe before he went to her house? She hoped.

The martial artist eyed her skeptically. "Am I that confusing? I mean, yes, I am sometimes… but on this? I didn't think so… Anyway, I meant what I said - I _saw _it a few _days _ago."

 


	23. Dagger of the Mind and Day of the Dove

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Seven: Dagger of the Mind** _

* * *

_ **  
** _

 

Rinoa desperately hoped that there had been some strange time-differential that had been lost in Zell's translation. Maybe SeeD now functioned in their own time zone where weeks were months and hours were days? Stranger things had happened, right? Like back in the 'old days' at Garden when Zell complained he was going to die of starvation because hadn't eaten a hotdog_ in forever_, but it had only been hours…

"No, it could not have been a few days ago," she spoke firmly, as if stating a fact and not optimistic-hope. "Because, _I've _had the ring since the funeral."

Zell scratched his head. "Yeah, we're going in circles here, Rin. Unless there are two rings, and this is Squall, so let's not discount a back-up theory, but I saw the ring a few days ago. He showed it to me at your house."

She put her hand over her mouth. "He knows?"

"He knows…what? He knows that he bought you a ring? I hope so. "

There was no way Zell could understand and she honestly didn't know how to take this. Somehow, Squall had found the ring. She hadn't honestly tried to hide it, but it did mean that he had gone through her drawers. It was her own damn fault for not putting it somewhere safer, but she wore it that night - tired and wet, her ankle bleeding, as she fell asleep on the floor… When she woke up and finally took it off, she tossed the damn thing in the drawer. She resented it. She hated it and wanted nothing more than to shove it in a useless drawer with paper clips and thumb tacks at that moment.

Nothing would be the same after that night.

Rinoa never expected him to come back into her life. How could she? She had never expected him to find it; it was just a thruway drawer full of trinkets. Just like the will, this ring had been a silent albatross around their necks and would be impossible to ignore.

She walked over to a small kitchen table, unable to stand up right now. Zell followed, obvious to the fact that something he said had upset her and it wasn't from their normal banter; this was truly eating at her. Taking the seat beside her, he offered her a reassuring smile.

"So, want to talk about what's up?"

"It's just that…now I know he knows that I know. It was so much simpler when I knew and he didn't know that I knew. Or, I should say, he didn't know for sure if I knew."

"Rinoa, I'm going to say this with as much love as possible." He reached for her hand, giving her support. He couldn't help but smile as he began to explain. As serious as this was, there was some definite humor in how two people could be so utterly clueless about one another and yet be perfect for each other at the same time.

"You two have some major-ass issues that nobody on this planet could even begin to comprehend. Did you just hear yourself? What did your words even mean? _Know_ and_ knew_ don't even sound real any more – so henceforth, they are banned from your vocabulary. Got it?"

She let out a small chuckle, so he continued. "The fact is none of that shit matters. Stop focusing on the past and worrying about what each other thinks. Just talk, alright? So are you going to tell him that you know that he-"

He stopped, overdramatically tossing his hands up in defeat. "See? Now you got me buying into your nonsense. Thanks Rinoa. _Really_. Between you and him, I've never met two more ridiculously-stubborn people that I want to handcuff, lock in a room, and keep you in there for days just so you'll talk. And, no, I'm not talking about the good kind of reasons for 'handcuffs' with whip cream and strawberries either. Although, if you're into _that_ – again, I can check with Alex and see-"

He was cut off as she stood and nearly pushed him off the chair. "Dork."

As Rinoa regained her balance, she saw Squall standing in the kitchen doorway. She knew there was no way he had overheard the entire conversation, but she honestly couldn't be sure if he had caught the tail end – which was probably just as incriminating.

He didn't say a word as he glanced between Rinoa and Zell; he had been trying to figure out exactly what convoluted thing they were talking about that led to the martial artist's last comment. The more levelheaded part of him wanted to let it rest, but again, situations like these didn't fall into his lap often. He would have to put a little thought into it however.

Of course, Zell couldn't let her comment slip by, especially if there was a chance to embarrass her and she really did walk right into it. "Rinoa, I know you may not know this, but a 'dork' is highly rumored to be a term for a whale penis. I mean, unless that is what you're trying to say and all…because well…thank you. If not, maybe you should have stuck with meanie."

He guessed that right; she _was_ dying from embarrassment right now, at least figuratively. Rinoa mentally decided that was the last time she could use random childhood insults around him. It also posed the more important question, why would Zell even know this bit of useless trivia? How many animal species could he identify male genitalia for – and for the love of everything, again…why!

Squall, in all his infinite wisdom, decided it would be best to just ignore the last few seconds of his life.

"Just checking in, making sure you two didn't need any help."

"No, no, we're fine," Rinoa answered a little too hurriedly. Glancing to the oven's timer, she stated what was rather obvious. "The timer says two more minutes."

"I see that." Squall nodded, then began cracking his knuckles. "But I could use a break still… so I'll look for a side dish or something – maybe some fresh fruits or vegetables."

He walked to the refrigerator and started searching through the doors. His smirk was hidden as he saw a container filled with fresh strawberries and grabbed them from the shelf. By this point, Zell and Rinoa had gone back to preparing for the food, grabbing the plates, napkins, and silverware from various areas around the kitchen. The commander didn't say anything as he took the strawberries to the sink and began washing them.

"So Squall, um, you guys find anything new?"

He loved the way she was trying to start a conversation, basically trying to keep his mind occupied. The last thing she probably wanted was for him to start asking about why she and Zell had taken an absurd amount of time in the kitchen. He honestly didn't care what they were talking about, even if it was about him. He was glad that she had someone to confide in and someone who could understand the problem from more than just one angle.

"Ward managed to dig up a few useful things at the old lab - some information about chemical components, a topographical map of the Great Salt Lake region, and an old newspaper section that talked about a drought… I'm not sure what the last thing has to do with it but, ironically, on the back of that was a review of that _Sorceress' Knight_ movie that Laguna was in."

He let out a small laugh as he continued to wash the fruit. "It wasn't flattering, to say the least. It seems that Laguna wasn't much of a movie star. Apparently, the Ruby Dragon acted circles around him… and would have made a more believable hero."

As she walked by with a handful of plates, she reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Be kind."

"I was quoting the article. But it made him laugh, so I doubt he's taking it much to heart."

By now, Zell had removed the food from the oven. "That whole chemical thing doesn't sound too promising. Have any ideas?"

"Not right off. It seemed like it was a part of something else… like the chemicals themselves were a part of something bigger. Kiros did a quick internet search and there are way too many possibilities for us to reasonable narrow it down. We would have to have someone with a better understanding of this to make light of anything – but that would mean dragging another new person in and… let's just say that's a last resort."

The martial artist really couldn't add anything helpful. "Well, can't say I know much about science, but I do know about food – and we're ready to roll here. Squall, you find anything you wanted as a side?"

"Yeah, just finishing it up. Hey, Rin? If you have a free second, can you go the fridge and see if there's any sort of topping. I don't know, maybe some cream cheese?" The commander paused on purpose, hopefully making it sound like an afterthought. "…Or wait, better yet, see if there's any whip cream in there."

There was and he knew it; he'd even purposely moved it to her eye level.

Zell was truly amazed as he watched the scene start to play out before him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the truth had dawned on him after he saw Squall washing the strawberries. Then again, something like this was more likely to ring a bell for him than Rinoa. The martial artist excused himself and quickly headed towards his room. Thankfully, she was too busy to take much notice.

Opening the door, it didn't take her long to see the can full of whip cream. It was one of the first things she saw sitting on the shelf after all. Rinoa still hadn't drawn any parallels to earlier however. Honestly, her mind purposely tried to forget _that _part of the conversation the moment after it left Zell's mouth. At that point, she started to hand Squall the can, but instead, he handed her the container of strawberries.

"Here, I believe you requested these."

Squall's voice was completely serious, which only led to greater confusion. The way he stated it so matter-of-factly that it was like she was automatically supposed to know what he was talking about.

Zell ran back in, catching his breath but trying to act casual. He had to admit this whole thing was rather kind of humorous, only because Rinoa was so clueless – here she was, holding strawberries in one hand, a can of whip cream in the other, and to her side was Squall, who was right in the middle of the joke for once.

She was so very confused. "Yeah, okay…what? I sorta don't recall asking for anything."

Zell smirked as he pulled something from his back pocket. "Here, maybe this will help, you're missing these."

"What are you talking ab…" she trailed as the martial artist dangled a pair of handcuffs in front of her. She looked down again at what she was holding and felt like a fool.

Zell had to laugh; the process of her realization was truly priceless.

"Shit…" she grumbled, looking at the items. When this mission was over, there would be much hell to pay.

* * *

Lunch hadn't been formal; it was basically a grab-and-go from the kitchen. The six sat around the dining room table, trying to make heads-or-tails of what little they had found. It seemed like the deeper they tried to dig into the Midnight Katipo project, the less sense everything made.

What they could say with some certainty so far was that there were missing soldiers, high estimates could put it at upwards of two-hundred, unexplained medical conditions of those who survived, and now, they could link breakdowns of chemical components. Moreover, the end uses of those components could be for everything and anything under the sun.

The few things that they managed to find plenty of were secrecy, brick walls, and dead-ends - all of which seemed to be found in an infinite supply.

The room had been relatively silent so when Rinoa's cell phone rang, it caught everyone slightly off-guard. Well, _almost _everyone. She only had herself to blame for letting things get this far and how these next few minutes played out was solely on her conscience.

She was first going to talk to Squall in the bedroom, but then he decided to be wonderfully spontaneous and tell everyone that he was leaving SeeD. She could have mentioned it in the kitchen but, with Zell around, it was uncomfortable and, quite frankly, she had been distracted by other issues.

Even right before the first ring, she could have said something – some warning would have been better than _no _warning. Again, she had found herself distracted by eating, or procrastinating by will.

"I'll be right back." Rinoa smiled nervously, voice cracking.

The commander didn't try to hide his disgust nor keep his comment to himself.

"Great, her boyfriend."

Honestly, to the best of his recollection, he _thought _he had heard Rinoa tell Zone last night to allow her some space. Maybe that entire conversation was just a figment of his imagination or maybe the guy couldn't take a hint even if it was spelled out clearly for him. Since Squall's imagination was limited at best, he decided that the latter option seemed the most likely.

At that point, Laguna looked around, feeling rather confused. Given the way Squall was acting, combined with Rinoa's sheepish exit, it almost seemed like it was a boyfriend on the phone. The President had known about Lauren, but Rinoa had never mentioned a boyfriend. Then again, with him being the 'ex's' father and all, it was a complicated situation no matter how you looked at it. Still, Laguna thought they had clarified this relationship status last night, but the tension in the air spoke differently. It probably wasn't the most socially-accepted idea to ask, but Laguna didn't always 'think' certain things through and his garbled words were proof of this.

"Wait, I thought that Rinoa and you were… I mean, you two last night … you're moving to Timber…"

In something akin to a stage-whisper, Zell sarcastically explained, "It's Zone - not really her boyfriend."

"No, he just _wants_ to be." Squall shot back.

Okay, maybe he was wrong and it was jealousy…

"Fine, yes, um that one is _probably _true, but it's not going to happen." Zell looked over to Laguna trying to sum it up. "There's just sort of history between Squall and Zone so… things often get ugly for no reason."

Crossing his arms, Squall vehemently disagreed. "Fuck that. No reason my ass."

"Alrighty then…" Laguna realized he really had stumbled over his own feet and into the proverbial can of worms. Not only did he open said can, apparently he dumped it upside down making sure each last one had escaped its cylinder prison.

To the martial artist, it was better to explain things now, rather than letting Laguna's mind wander down the wrong road for too long. He also knew that Squall mostly likely wouldn't give a straight answer. It would either be that or whatever the commander said could be construed as spiteful or, like his earlier 'boyfriend' comment, very misleading to outsiders. It seemed as though more time that passed and the closer he became to Rinoa, the more difficulty Squall had remaining objective in the situation.

To a bystander, it might have seemed like straight-forward jealousy, but the martial artist viewed it as more of Squall's protective nature. He felt that Rinoa was setting herself up for a fall, even Rinoa confessed as much in the kitchen.

All Zell knew for sure was that someone was going to end up getting hurt. Given Rinoa's emotional involvement between both parties, it was looking more likely to be her.

Laguna realized this wasn't exactly the way to start a dialog with his son, or at least a positive one. He wished that he would learn when to hold his tongue…better yet, remind himself just to ask Zell later, but emotion often got the better of him. There was silence, which usually tended to follow the awkwardness but, what wasn't expected, was Squall's willingness to explain his side.

Although his fists were clenched, the commander tried to remain impartial or rather _sound _impartial. "Rinoa, Zone, and Watts were part of group that hired us. The guy didn't like me from day one. Which is fine, I didn't think much of him either. He saw me as a threat, I saw him as an asshole…check that - _a perverted asshole_."

To Squall, that was the best impartiality he could muster. "Basically he liked her, but she didn't see him as anything more than a close friend or a brotherly figure. Flash-forward to now where Zone and Watts are still her best friends. Watts has a life, while Zone is still chasing Rinoa. I 'die' and he finally has the balls to make his move. I saw through him back then, like I do now…it's taken her a little longer as she still sees him like an older brother. I don't expect her not to be friends with him, not in the least, but I find his tendencies to be out of line - he's checking up on her five times a day."

"I'm gonna play devil's advocate... um, _not_ that I'm calling Zone the devil. I just mean I want to expand on Rinoa's point of view little more." Zell had no idea why he was saying this. Defending Zone in any way, shape, or form certainly wasn't going to win him any brownie points with Squall right about now, but it really wasn't about that. The commander's synopsis of Zone was a tad bit skewed, just as he was sure Rinoa's would have been had she been the one to explain.

"It's just you got to remember, when things got difficult with Caraway, Zone and Watts took Rinoa in. She could have ended up on the streets or alone, but they helped her find purpose instead. Because of them, she bonded with a city, which is why she still loves Timber. Squall did get some right – she does see them as not only great friends, but basically like older brothers who protected her. He also got the whole dominance thing right - he and Zone didn't get along right from the get go, but they both equally acted like-"

Zell raised an eyebrow, looking at his comrade. "_Assholes?_ I believe that was your colorful description there… You also got to remember, Zone and Watts were the ones there for her after the breakup, so it's natural that they would worry about how she's handling everything… And, yes, I will agree the calling thing is bordering on creepy, but Squall was embellishing a bit - it's only been like once a day. So yeah…the long and the short of it is that Zone has feelings for Rin, but she doesn't feel the same."

"Oh, you mean those 'feelings' he showed by kissing her in front of me?" Squall said through gritted teeth.

"You're _dead_ Squall. I hardly call that 'in front of' you. Unless you were haunting her, then it would be you that would be bordering on creepy…"

"Me being dead _completely_ excuses his actions."

"Kinda? I dunno, a little? Gah, I give up!" Zell threw his hands in the air, debating with him was quickly becoming a lost cause. "I'm just going to leave it at that. There was no way in hell Zone knew you would be spying on them, but we'll leave your 'manliness issues' for another time."

All Zell could do after this would be to wish Rinoa luck when she and Squall returned to Timber; if Zone was half as stuck in the past as his friend, there would be turbulence between those two that may never fade. They would have to find common ground on something. Hopefully, Rinoa's happiness could be it.

"I remember hearing their story… More precisely, the story about their fathers back when we were still serving under Galbadia. They were labeled as traitors by Vinzer Deling, then publically executed on the street, correct?" Kiros had directed his question towards Zell as somehow he believed he would get a more neutral response.

"Yeah_, right _in front of them… How that man stayed in power so long is beyond me, not that he was any better than Adel. I guess…both countries were equally as screwed at one point. It does explain why people ran towards places like Balamb, Winhill…and even Timber when it wasn't as badly regulated. Oh, actually, it was also their fathers who started the Forest Owls. Zone and Watts continued in their footsteps. It was their goal to get Timber free and that determination transferred onto Rinoa."

"God, that story was…tragic." Laguna weakly smiled. "And that's coming from me. I remember hearing that the boys watched… how do you even get past something like that?"

"You don't," Squall stated plainly. "I'm not saying I don't respect everything they've overcome, because what they've accomplished is rather impressive…and I'm saying that also knowing that their aptitude for organization and planning is probably on par with yours. No offence."

"I'm not offended at all." Once again, the President again offered a smile. "Hey, I'm proud of my ability to do things by random chance and pure accident. That's a talent all on its own, you know."

The commander wasn't even sure what the man had said, but somehow it made sense a very Laguna-like way.

"That was quick." Kiros' offhanded remark to Rinoa wasn't picked up by Squall – at least the way it was it meant.

At that point, Rinoa solemnly walked back to the table. In Squall's opinion, any amount of time was too much right now, but he was well-aware that was a personal reaction.

The sorceress nervously looked down at her phone before placing it back into her jeans' pocket.

"It was Selphie." She glanced over to Kiros as she stood, even though the comment wasn't necessarily directed to him. It was just a generalized statement. She then wondered he believed that she was covering up something and added a firm, "It _really_ was."

If she had been a casual observer, hearing the tone of her own comment would have actually raised more suspicion. She knew that was reading way too much into everything - especially herself.

Shaking herself of _herself_, she continued on. "…She was just checking up on me, seeing how I was doing. She also called to, um... she wanted to update me on Zell's condition."

Rinoa smiled meekly, looking at the martial artist. "I mean your _reported _condition… If you want to know, you're doing better, even walking around and talking. Just unable to contact anyone for security purposes."

He sighed. "At least Ma and Alex have something positive to hear, even if it isn't true."

Rinoa wanted to reassure her friend. She owed him that - if not so much more - for all the support over the last few days.

"I wouldn't say that, Zell. I mean, you _are_ walking, and you _are_ talking – even when my sanity would have been much better if you hadn't."

This time, her smile was bright. Taking a few steps in his direction, she supportively placed a hand on his shoulder. It was the reverse image of what happened only hours before, aside from whacking him in the head with a paper airplane that is. Then again, the day was still young and with this group, anything could happen – an errant paper plane wasn't that big of a stretch.

"Also, Zell, you really _can't_ contact anyone on the outside. So, for the most part, Garden _is _telling the truth. Your family has hope now and, most importantly, they _know_ you're going to be all right. Henceforth, I want you to think positive… I'm sure the people who love you are."

As she returned to her seat, Squall reached over and as he took her hand in his, he gave a familiar squeeze. "Is everyone doing okay back home…and what about you? I know them calling must feel like a double-edged sword. This would be hard on anyone."

It was ironic - she caught that he had said 'home' but it didn't seem to bother her this time. Maybe it was due to her state-of-mind or maybe their talk from earlier honestly did clear things up. He said he might make mistakes and not to hold it against him and, this time, she knew his words were said out of familiarity and habit.

Not to mention, it would have been hard to be upset at him under these particular circumstances. Here, he was genuinely asking about his friends; not only could she see his emotions backing that up, she could sense it. This was a far cry from five years ago when he was just a teenager who insisted he didn't need friends.

The person sitting next to her still may technically not _need _friends, but he _wanted_ them.

"Selphie said they were doing fine, but I think we're both acting to a point. It's not like she's going to go on about how much they miss you. I'm sure she's trying to be positive for my benefit. So, she acts strong… Of course, it's obvious I can't say the truth, so I end up saying very little. My silence probably comes across as uncaring…or maybe they just think I'm distancing myself again. I don't know. I think they're really taking the news about Zell to heart, again, it's positive, and they're focusing on that.

"She also said everyone was glad I had taken some time for myself… but yeah, I could tell she was shocked I was staying Laguna's, figuring the whole father-son relationship and all. I did mention I was in the middle of a meal when she called…it wasn't really lying, I guess. She said she didn't want to keep me from eating any longer so… I suppose it was an out for both of us."

"Do you want to go talk or take a few minutes for yourself?" Squall asked out of concern. He knew that they had work, but he also wanted to give her a few options.

"No, I'm okay. I guess it wasn't who I was expecting and I had to quickly change my mind set. It just mentally threw me for a loop, but I'm fine. Thanks."

"Honestly, me either." Squall stated it as if it were fact, because as of now, only one person had called on her mobile.

Up until then, Rinoa had completely forgotten about his 'boyfriend' comment. Still, maybe it was for the best that it was Selphie on the phone. This allowed her an opening to explain herself. And at least now she could tell him before she actually got the call. At this point, it was pretty much six to one, half dozen to the other now. He wasn't going to be thrilled no matter how the truth came about but, at least this way, she would be the one to say it.

"Um, Squall… I need tell you something."

As she pulled her hand away from his, her eyes hesitantly traveled over to Kiros; her intent was understood to him, even without explanation.

When Rinoa had made the suggestion earlier, she was unsure how Kiros would react. However, he had eventually been in favor of it. To the Estharian aide, it was an out-of-the-box plan but, after being in cahoots with Laguna for so long, nothing really shocked him anymore. That sort of surprise ended the day 'someone' pushed him off of a very large cliff to commandeer a vessel – everything after that seemed almost hackneyed.

Rinoa's idea also stood against everything he believed as years of ingrained training taught him to rely on solid fact. So even drastic ideas held some merits, especially with those who would be considered trustworthy – and Rinoa's trust in her friend never wavered.

Now, knowing some of the history, Kiros understood this had probably been an unwise decision, especially given Squall's earlier reaction to outsiders. It was now very, clearly obvious why it was unwise, but the call was already made. Rinoa had not explained the situation entirely; some of the facts that came to light might have just changed his opinion. Still, Kiros refused to make Rinoa go through this alone.

"Commander Leonhart…"

The moment Squall heard that, he knew that he wasn't going to like whatever was bound to follow. The fact that Kiros had addressed him formally most likely didn't bode well.

"…Let me preface this by saying, that I am entirely to blame. As you know, we were getting nowhere in following any leads. The contacts I had, as of now, have all come up dry in this particular area. Either Esthar did an amazing job of keeping the MK project classified, or as you so eloquently stated, people do not feel at liberty to talk about it. I don't want to believe it is the latter, but I'm willing to concede that for the benefit of this conversation. As I've stated, I'm against listening to rumors, but sometimes there are facts rooted in gossip. There has been a very long-standing military adage, dating back to the ancient times of Centra – the enemy of my enemy is my friend. And sometimes, if you want to get information, you need to look outside for those 'friends.'"

Squall was growing even more irritated as he was forced to listen to some political double-talk. "Can you spit out what in the hell you're trying to say? I have no idea _why_ I'm even supposed to be upset…but believe me, I've reached my tolerance level – about _two hours _ago. But if you _have_ involved Rinoa in any of this, then me being upset is pretty much a given and a _very_ large problem for you."

"Squall, I'm not a child, I can make my own decisions. He didn't 'involve' me, Squall, this was my idea."

"Can you enlighten me then?"

"What Kiros is saying is that, sometimes - _to get information_ \- you have to talk to someone who's studied that person or, in our case, the country. I know someone who would have a good idea of what Esthar was capable of."

"You mean someone who studied them tactically, like Galbadia? …You called your father?"

"No… sorta, kinda a person who was working against both Deling and Esthar… you know, like Timber." She bit her lip nervously. "Maybe this person wasn't around then, but heard stories…from his father… a person who's specialty was gathering information and spent most of his free time studying conspiracy theories?"

"_You _called…" He refused to say that name. It was stupid and possibly juvenile, but he had just argued about trust with Kiros and now Rinoa goes and calls possibly the most untrustworthy person he could think of. "Tell me this is a joke and it really was your father."

"Look Squall, I'm not telling him about the mission, honestly. I haven't even talked to him yet. He was busy, so I just left a message to call back. That's who we thought it was…"

He ran his fingers through his hair, looking down in frustration. "You know, Kiros going behind my back is one thing but you – you, I can't even."

She stood up angrily, causing him to look up. "Just stop it! This isn't about me asking someone, it's about me asking _Zone_. You're a damn hypocrite Squall. First, you say that Kiros involved me? _You're_ the one that involved me, not him. It was my choice, but it was_ your_ invitation. Not to mention, a few days ago you had me call Lauren to get information. It didn't matter that it was your girlfriend – you had me call her because she had access to information… this is no different. We need someone who loves history and conspiracies – Zone's the best I know."

"I take it this is why excused yourself to the bedroom earlier? I mean, if you and Kiros have this wonderful plan that's going to _solve everything_ \- why keep everyone in the dark?

"This, Squall. _This."_

She sat back down not sure where to go from there; it seemed like everything always led back to this circular reasoning. She knew that a good portion of this could have been avoided, namely if she had been truthful from the start. Maybe in some convoluted way, maybe she had hoped that she could have done this conversation without revealing her source. She sighed, knowing that in some way he was right – he hadn't treated her any differently than Kiros. They both had taken it upon themselves to bring outsiders in and, more importantly, they had done it without discussion.

"You're right we don't communicate," she said in defeat. "I wasn't thinking when I called Zone – looking at the big picture hasn't exactly been my strong suit in the past. Guess it's still a problem. You know me, I just kind of live in the moment…but that doesn't work here. I was also being selfish... I just want this to be over. I want that life Squall - the one with you. I've wanted that life for as long as I can remember."

He wasn't thrilled, but he had calmed since the initial shock. The truth of the matter was that Rinoa and Kiros had good intentions. They both meant well even if the execution was lacking. He also wanted this mission to be over for himself as much as everyone – Rinoa, Zell, their friends, Ellone, and even Zone to a point. Rinoa had tried to explain her feelings to him, but her haphazard answers sounded so unsure that it could have been misleading. Maybe once she could be honest about her what was going on, everyone could start to heal from this.

Maybe this was also another time he needed to step back. They all wanted the same thing. And if there was one thing he knew Rinoa would never tell anyone about him, it was that she knew he trusted her with his life. Now he had to trust her judgment.

"So, how did you plan on going about doing it… without him knowing why?"

"Lying, I suppose… I've managed to get pretty good at it by now." It almost came across like a backhanded insult, but it wasn't intended to be. As she said before -this was her choice. She knew what lay in store.

"Squall, you've got to know that he wants this guy caught and brought to justice just as much as any of us do, although, he's also among the masses calling for his head. Let's face it, we've clearly stated what happens if SeeD gets to Sirtis first. You know, being objective is difficult for me too… but even I get that Lauren might be our best chance at getting answers – and that is hard as hell for me to say. I promise Zone _will not_ know about you or the mission. You might not trust him, but please say that you trust me."

"I hate this. I hate everything about it." Squall looked at the window although the curtains were drawn. "But you know I trust you."

"Thank you."

That was all that needed to be said.

* * *

Time passed excruciatingly slow it seemed, although it was all in perception. Waiting wasn't exactly something that Squall had been fond of over the years, waiting for Zone to call was infinitely worse. When the phone finally did ring, Squall did his best to be encouraging; he trusted her. It wasn't surprising that she left the room again however. He knew that it was hard for her to lie; doing so in front of others would just add pressure.

So now all he could do was sit back and wait. He didn't know if this would work, he honestly saw no gain in it, but it was an interesting take. Zone had an imagination – often a little too broad. He recalled the incident on the White SeeD ship. After he berated the commander, he turned around and wanted to trade Triple Triad Cards for a collector's edition of 'Girl Next Door.'

Of course, there was a back-story to why Squall had been carrying in the first place, but again, that was another story. He just remembered Zone begging him to trade, saying that the special edition was printed in short-supply to drive up the market value. To top it off – he explained it was only distributed in Galbadia, although printed in Timber, thereby having Deling City reap the tax benefits with exporting.

Squall had honestly drifted off about then, but let the man continue to have his say… His theories weren't completely ridiculous on the large scale, but knowing they were talking about an adult magazine, it honestly put them into another context.

In that moment, Squall realized that hearing Zone's exorbitant tales and Watts calling him 'sir' was going to be his future.

…And it was great.

Rinoa glanced back at her friends before answering her phone. She tried to keep positive – they all needed this.

"Hello."

"_Hey, Rinny, everything okay? I honestly never expected you to call. Especially after last night, but glad you did."_

Rinoa winced. Oh yeah, that – now she was coming across as the hypocrite. What she said still rang true, she didn't need checking on – but she did want to keep up contact. They just had to find a medium.

She had to cover her tracks as best she could. "I wanted to call for a couple reasons…I'm sorry about last night, it was a long day…between all the traveling and everything, I was stressed. It was just a bad time all-around, so I just wanted to make sure everything was all right."

"_No problem, everything's forgotten. I know being there has got to be difficult…but I don't believe that's the only reason you called. I know you better than that."_

She laughed, albeit nervously. For once, she hoped he was very wrong about that. "You got me, but if I'm bothering you… I mean, if you have something to do – I don't want to keep you from anything. It's one of those silly little things."

Rinoa closed her eyes, shaking her head in disgust. _"Silly" little thing?" _she thought. She hadn't used the word 'silly' in years; Zell's earlier comment somehow had to be blamed for that. Not to mention, she was talking about a project that would be classified as anything but - deadly, horrific, inhumane – yes, but never silly. That was something else she'd have to put out of her mind as Zone continued.

"_Nah, meetings are over for the day. Actually, tomorrow is the big ribbon cutting ceremony for the new railway. I'm going to be there, and after a lot of persuasion, I talked Watts into coming. He was hesitant to leave Erica and Carly, but even they told him to go… Okay, Erica told him, Carly's not even a week yet, but if she could talk, you know she'd be telling him to get his butt out of the house. I figured this was more of his brainchild from the get-go. Yes, I helped, but he was the one who really worked hard to find the funding from our end. It didn't seem right to do anything without him there… Actually, it doesn't seem right not to have you here too."_

"That's sweet, but I really needed to getaway for awhile, but you've got to send pictures. I feel bad…I should be there. Also, I'm glad Watts is going, send everyone my love."

"_Well, you're always welcome to come home. I can be at the station to pick you up on the first train out of Esthar, or if Laguna's feeling generous enough, talk him into letting drive the Ragnarok."_

She started to relax as the conversation turned more natural. Flopping down on the bed, Rinoa had to smile at the visual she had – stopping to pick up Quistis and Selphie at Garden, and casually taking the Ragnarok cruising around the world on a Friday night.

"Zone, you make it sound like it's a car. As if I just have to ask for the keys to take it for a drive around town."

"_Could you? I mean if you really wanted? Just curious… it would be fun to take a quick spin around the globe. Honestly, I could be ready in ten minutes. Maybe we can take it through a drive-thru."_

"Ha, I don't think so… I'm pretty sure my license doesn't cover flying dragon-shaped spaceships. Plus knowing Kiros, he probably keeps the keys locked away. I'm thinking Laguna would be the type to join of us just for the fun."

"_Strange, my license says it right on the front, but I am restricted to flying during daylight hours. It's probably better that you don't anyhow, I hear adding that to your insurance is killer." _He paused, knowing something was up, although knowing Rinoa, she was probably feeling guilty. _"I don't actually think you called me about flying, but of course I am glad you called. Want to tell me what's up?"_

"You know me," she replied. She only hoped he didn't know her well enough to see through her words. "Okay… I have a question it might seem totally out of the blue. You remember Kiros, right?"

"_Of course, that whole group is kind of… well, memorable, but Kiros is cool. I've worked with him, he knows his stuff." _Oddly, Rinoa knew Zone well enough too – and his feelings about Squall had extended onto Laguna. It didn't matter that Squall himself wasn't thrilled with his heritage, but Rinoa never pressed the issue. It was also why she had mentioned the discussion was with Kiros, another subliminal message that might get him to be more open.

"Well, last night we got talking... and I know how you love conspiracy theories and all."

"_Conspiracy? Really?" _He had to interrupt, the thought amused him_. "You've always hated this stuff… I think I remember you telling Watts and I to shut it a few times, even threatening to sic Angelo on us."_

"Okay, okay you're right. It's not that I completely minded, some of it was _kinda_ interesting to a point, but it's when it was _everything_ with you two…and I mean everything. Do you remember when we all went to the movies and they put extra butter on your popcorn? I believe you complained during the entire movie that it was Galbadia's attempt to raise your blood pressure and send you to their doctors…or something like that."

"_Okay, that might have been a slight over-exaggeration, but it was a damn boatload of butter and for the record, I actually said it was so the doctor's could cover their membership dues to the country club's new golf course."_

"I stand corrected. It makes s_ooo_ much more sense after hearing it a second time."

"_Liar," _he teased, not knowing how damn right he was,_ "So, let's hear it. Hit me with anything, I'll tell you what I got."_

Here it goes, now or never…

"Well, it's a little complicated, but you how I can be stubborn. I just have this weird need to be proven right, even when I'm wrong…"

"_You wrong? Never. Honestly, I know as fact that there are certain phrases that have been stricken from your vocabulary such as: I don't feel like coffee today, maybe I should set the alarm clock for a little bit earlier, and 'I'm wrong, you're right - how could I have doubted you oh great one.'."_

"Talk about overkill…it was almost believable until that last line," she sarcastically stated. "Anyways, this all started because Laguna had a meeting for a few hours. I think he felt bad for leaving me, so Kiros 'conveniently' ended up coming over with a chocolate and cappuccino crunch cake."

Zone had to laugh. _"Yep…that's an obvious set up - your two favorite things chocolate, dessert, and a coffee-type product. Wait, that's three…either way, mixing them together is genius."_

"I thought so too... Sorry got off track again; you know how I tend to be."

Rinoa wondered how many times she was going to end up saying some variation of 'you know me' over the course of their conversation. Maybe it was to reassure him, or maybe it was to convince herself that she was acting beyond the norm. She would need forgiveness after this and hoped he would understand once she could speak honestly. It was also slightly troubling how easily the lies were coming; she hadn't even batted an eyelash making up the dessert story.

"Kiros and I don't really have much in common so we were kind of grasping at topics. Finally we got into a discussion of some of our childhood stories…you know, those kind of rumors you hear as a kid that are totally false. The thing is…well, growing up I heard a lot of rumors about Esthar, for obvious reasons. We were comparing horror stories and I mentioned one I'd heard of…but for the life of me, I can't remember where I heard it or some of the details…it's all fuzzy. I just want to know if you've ever heard this – I can't be the only one on the planet to have heard it…"

"_Well, hit me with it. You know me, lover off all useless knowledge and random facts, even the facts the government doesn't want you to know."_

"That's exactly what I'm hoping," she said truthfully. "Growing up, I heard of some secret experiments that made the whole Odine thing look tame. Something…_midnight_ maybe? I don't remember the name. I just heard something like two hundred people were involved and Esthar tried to cover it up… I think there might have been chemicals, but I could be wrong on that."

"_Oh man, you mean the Katipo project? I remember talking to someone who was there many years ago… It's very true, but it wasn't a spill or by accident. In fact…"_

* * *

For the last ten minutes, everyone around the table remained silent. Nobody knew exactly what to say; the quite seemed to fit best while Rinoa was away. Still, there was a tension in the air that easily rivaled anything throughout the mission. When a door sounded from the hallway, everybody tried to act casual. However, that didn't last long as Rinoa came running down the hall.

Squall stood on instinct, followed by everyone else. They were unsure what was happening, whether the running was by choice or necessity.

"Are you okay?" Squall asked, voicing the very question on everyone's mind.

She waved him off, running past the table and into the kitchen. Finally, she stopped at the large box Ward had brought back from the lab.

"_Map, map, map…"_ she muttered under her breath as she started removing files, hastily tossing them to the side. Finally, she found what she was looking for and held it up triumphantly in the air.

"Map!" she yelled in the excitement.

"Pen!" Zell countered jokingly, holding the writing instrument above his head.

"Good, I need that too," she replied, ignoring the obvious facetious comment, "bring it here. Everyone come over, I want to show you this."

Luckily, she had remembered hearing that Ward had found a topographical map. It made this so much easier seeing the surrounding area, especially because the varying heights and land depressions were marked. By the time everyone had walked over, she had unfolded the large paper which covered almost the entire counter. Running her fingers over the Great Salt Lake region, she searched for just the right spot.

"I take it that he knew something?" Squall asked, managing to show little trace of emotion.

"Yes, but more importantly, he inadvertently told us how to stop the guy, at least I believe so...but we have to act quickly. Here, hand me the pen."

"Say please." Zell smirked.

"Hand me the pen, meanie."

"Aww, but I preferred dork."

"Just give me that, _please_." Rinoa grabbed the pen from his hands, giving him a sideways glance. At least she was thankful that he didn't go into another tirade about words and their meanings.

"How quick?" Kiros asked, a little concerned about the military aspects.

"Like _tomorrow_."

Squall tried to restrain from asking questions, but there was a limit to everything and 'tomorrow' was it. "Rinoa, are you saying Zone told you how to catch Sirtis, tomorrow… and you said _nothing_ to him about the mission."

"Nothing, I promise. He doesn't know who Duncan Sirtis is from a hole in the wall, or in this case, a whole in the ground. Like you said, it's about laying a trap, and now I know we know where to set it."

She took a pen and circled a spot on the map. "There."

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Eight: Day of the Dove** _

* * *

_ **  
** _

Laguna rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of what to think. Rinoa seemed so confident when she marked the map, but setting a trap in the middle of nowhere would be rather obvious.

"Rin, you know that's kinda the middle of Great Salt Lakes? So you want us to go out to a desolate, deserted, derelict, dried-up… well you get the idea. Um, I'm not saying that I come up with the world's greatest plans, but this one… let's just say it will look very suspicious."

She smiled, easily relating to his concerns. "Well, _my _plans usually consist of jumping car-to-car on a moving train or putting random jewelry on someone who finds compressing space and time a practical move. Rest assured that this really isn't my plan as much as it was something from Zone."

"Not better," Squall stated under his breath.

Rinoa turned, eyeing him with irritation. "Really?"

"Fine – _slightly_ better."

"Wait, that's not what I meant!" She realized she had set herself up for that one. Still, even if Zone's plans were slightly better than hers as a whole, it didn't negate her point. "You haven't even _heard_ the plan yet – it's not exactly what you think."

"I'm not sure what to think," Squall truthfully replied, albeit with a tad bit of sarcasm.

"Well, to be fair Rin," Zell tried to explain, knowing the commander had probably grown inpatient by now, "All you've done is put a circle on a map, announced you had a plan, and then rehashed how bad you are at making plans. Kind of a unique way of selling us on it."

Squall was glad Zell had stepped in, mainly because he wouldn't have to explain his earlier comment, although he was damn sure he would hear about it later.

"Fine. Here, Kiros take this." Rinoa handed him the pen and gestured toward the map. "You've been working on the new commuter train system, right? I want you to mark the proposed route. You know, where the rails are _supposed_ to be laid."

Instead of questioning, he felt it best to follow her instructions. Marking the route on the map, he offered clarification on a few key points.

"The tracks over the ocean will run parallel to the existing lines. Engineers felt it was better to build new bridges for support and safety issues. We'll be running some designated freight trains between the two countries a few times a week, so we need to compensate for the additional weight, although the line will mainly focus on daily commuter services. The main difference in track layout will be when the TEL tracks meet the Estharian mainland."

"And tel is?" Squall questioned.

"I apologize." Kiros stopped marking as he explained. "TEL is the acronym that Esthar has assigned in referencing the railway project – 'Timber-Esthar Line.' Although, no official title has been agreed upon by all parties, it's among one of those small setbacks in negotiating with Fisherman's Horizon, which in itself has been a time consuming process. They don't believe it is fair representation, but we were basing it on the two originating destinations."

"Makes sense."

Squall knew that Kiros was probably being very diplomatic in his comments about Fisherman's Horizon. Last he heard, Flo was worried about the color of the trains clashing with the town's aura or something along those lines. Rinoa had told him, but the reality of what she was saying was too bizarre for him to even begin to comprehend. There were no 'small issues' in dealing with the Dobes.

Kiros nodded a response before looking back to the map. "As I mentioned, this is where the differences occur - at the point right after the train reaches the mainland. The old line has a station before the Great Salt Lakes. Right now, commuters are forced to find a way from there into the city. The new line will continue on into the heart of Esthar, ending at the current Air Station. The station will now serve multiple purposes – flight, rail, and our own inner-city transportation system. This will also make it one of the most important transportations hubs in the world."

By then, he marked a path detailing the proposed route that wound around the natural land formations.

"That's what I thought… Kiros, did you notice this?" She took her finger and traced a path that was a more direct route. In this path was the large circle she had made earlier. "Is there a reason that they chose to go out of their way, instead of traveling through here?"

"That question did arise, but it was answered sufficiently. I honestly don't feel at liberty to say because of what it entails. I will say that it shouldn't bear any weight to this case."

Squall was taken aback. After all they had shared and had access to, it was surprising Kiros was suddenly intent on keeping secrets. Then again, he knew about classified information better than anybody and he could empathize to a degree.

Surprisingly, it was Zell who spoke out. "If Rinoa is asking, how can we be sure it doesn't have to do with the case? It seems like an odd coincidence that she mentions the same area of land you've been told not to talk about."

"Yeah… I agree," Laguna admitted, albeit hesitantly. He didn't particularly feel comfortable about being in the middle of this situation. Kiros was doing his job, but this didn't feel like a fluke. "If you know something - go ahead and tell them. It won't leave this room."

Squall wanted to roll his eyes at the comment, but kept his posture. He just found that sentiment ironic after Kiros told his men to be on the lookout for Duncan Sirtis.

"Wait." Rinoa stood up as she addressed the group. "How about I tell you what the rumor is, then you can see if it lines up? That way you're not breaking any confidentiality."

"I'm inclined to accept that." The aide believed that was a fair agreement.

"Okay… Zone told me that during Adel's rule, she supposedly had a group sneak and steal a missile from the company that produced them outside of Deling City. Thing is, it wasn't armed – they purposely went after a weapon that didn't have a warhead because security wasn't as tight. Basically, Esthar stole an empty shell."

"What good would that do? I mean Esthar's technology was beyond that of Galbadia," Laguna asked. "Let's face it - the only thing Galbadia had over Esthar was whoever designed their military uniforms."

Rinoa couldn't argue with Laguna's comment. "You're right, I mean about the uniforms – not really a fan of the pastel military look myself. If I had to pick a favorite design, I'd go with the formal SeeD uniform, although I could be slightly biased." Truthfully, she was very, very biased but that wasn't the point. "Anyway, Zone said rumor was that Esthar was setting up Galbadia to blame them for something."

Rinoa left it at that for now as the stolen missile was documented from Galbadia's end. She did have more, but everything that followed was hearsay and speculation. She also wanted to see if that had been enough to warrant further information from Esthar's end.

And at that point, Kiros realized that the information he had was on the opposite end of the spectrum – at least according to his sources. One aspect of both stories overlapped; it was enough for him to feel that his information may be relevant.

"I was informed that near the end of the war, a Galbadian missile was shot down over the marked area on the map. When it crashed, it weakened many of the natural formations, which would be costly to try to re-stabilize. Also, there is still some radioactive fallout making it unsafe for engineers to construct the needed supports. I do know for certain that missile debris was returned to the Esthar's main laboratory where it was photographed, cataloged, and then destroyed."

"Where did you hear this?" Squall asked.

"I've seen it. Actually, the files were first brought to my attention when I addressed the same concerns as Rinoa. Which yes, does seem like questionable timing, but I was also provided with physical evidence that backed-up the photographs. It most definitely was Galbadian missile debris. I've seen enough of them up close in my day."

Rinoa was half-hoping Esthar's version was correct, at least for Laguna's sake, while the other half believing in what Zone said. She didn't listen to his theories often, but there was something about all of this that seemed to ring true. No matter how it was going to play out - one of the two stories wasn't true. Maybe the truth was somewhere in the middle of both allegations.

"Zone said basically the same about the missile debris… I mean, with a few differences, I guess. Long story short, Esthar stole an empty missile and then destroyed it to cover up what they were doing. That spot on the map – that's where the research facilities were and where the true source of the radiation was. Esthar had to keep people away, so they blamed it on a failed attack by Galbadia."

Laguna didn't like where this was headed, wanting to jump right to the crux of the matter.

"All right, if the land isn't unstable, just tell me – what's there?"

"It might be unstable because of the missile, but there are also…" she began, her tone softening, "bodies… at least by all logical accounts…or traces of what was happening." As eager as she had been a few minutes ago, the reality was far more sobering. "…Basically it's all those secrets they want to remain buried."

"Zone said he knew there were bodies out there?" Squall was trying not to sound skeptical, but given the nature of this, it was hard not to. He hadn't heard of this project before now, but then again, there were a lot of things Garden kept hidden from the world.

"He only told me information he heard secondhand. How reliable that is, I can't say. But apparently, there had been rumors in Galbadia about Esthar using their soldiers as test subjects. Doctors knowingly injected something into the men during routine check-ups. Some tried to escape once they realized what was happening, but there were orders to shoot on sight. Apparently, there was always a sniper on duty."

Zell couldn't imagine being put into such a position – to shoot people you knew for trying to escape for their lives or probably being killed yourself. It was a no-win situation at its very core.

"Man, you're telling me one of Sirtis' jobs was to shoot fellow soldiers trying to desert? Geeze, that's harsh… I mean, I'm not one for running away, but when you're a human experiment, it kinda changes one's outlook."

"I'm not stating anything as factual, just relaying information… it's all assumption really. Anyways, they experimented with chemical reactions… but somehow, it went to hell. To hide it, they buried the failed test-subjects in a mass grave - using the Galbadian missile explosion as a cover. Remember, it was war time, so things were easily blamed on the enemy. So…uh yeah, that's basically the gist of the more important stuff."

"Was there more?" Laguna questioned.

…And there was.

She paused, wondering how she would even address this part, but she couldn't hide behind her words – her hesitation had given it away. They didn't know Zone like she did and, as a general rule, he required some extensive knowledge of reading between the lines to be understood. She could have compared him to Squall in that aspect, but that would have gone over…_ not well._

"Um, those are the aspects that make sense. You kinda have to know Zone… he tends to… well, everything usually ends up as some weird theory." She really wished she hadn't brought this up at all. Zone's credibility would quickly be challenged; if it hadn't already been from the start, that is.

She purposely said her next words rather quickly; it was her intent to get it out in the open so the inevitable ridiculing could begin. _"He thinks Adel turned them into a hoard of zombies." _

At this point, she slowed down, trying to quantify her last statement with as much logic, and hopefully dignity, as she could muster.

"I don't believe the last part for a minute. It's just that… ever since he said Vinzer Deling was a zombie and well, it-kinda-sorta turned out that when we fought his clone it was actually a disguised Gerogero… so, yeah. He considers that a 'win' for his theories and solid evidence that the real one was too… But please ignore the last part… think of the stuff that coincides with what Kiros said. It's seems obvious that Esthar was covering up the truth and disposed of the bodies so there was no evidence. Like I said, you have to know Zone…"

Zell unfortunately decided to chime in, overdramatically at that. "I _knew_ a zombie invasion was coming! But did anyone believe me?"

Squall shook his head. There were no words. None.

In fact, the commander's logical side felt the need to vehemently debate this idiotic theory with Zone. Hell, the clone couldn't even talk longer than a five sentences before speaking with ludicrous intonation. On the other hand, Vinzer Deling could somehow manage to eloquently address an entire nation and rally his troops against Adel. Then again, Zone had probably already deemed the commander a zombie and the whole point would be moot.

…There truly were no words.

"So, let's say your information is correct, minus the zombies," Kiros began, "how does this help set a trap?"

Rinoa honestly hadn't thought that far; she had only known what to use as bait. If whatever happened on that spot was the origin to the madness, it might be enough to persuade him out of hiding.

"I can't," Laguna said, taking a step away from everyone. "I'm sorry, but if there's even a grain of truth to this – our country isn't ready to handle the fallout. There are relatives of these soldiers who believe their husbands, wives, sons, and daughters died protecting them, but to find out the truth… The damage is done and like you guys said, it can never be undone."

Kiros had an idea, but he wasn't shortsighted enough to know there weren't risks involved. "We could publically announce that I'm changing the route and issue a press-release that I've brought in an outside engineering firm, one which believes the land can viably support the train. Because of my history with Laguna, he is following my recommendation, but not without reservation. However, he is deferring the project to my judgment, which leaves me as the sole link. If this is the event that started it all, Sirtis will want to keep it buried."

The aide turned to his friend, offering reassurance. "Laguna, I promise you it will never come to that. We will never use that route – this will only be something written on paper and said in a speech or a radio address. No matter if we catch him - I will retract, saying after further inspection, I reversed my decision. We know that whatever is there is most likely what started this. We need to try and, given the timeframe, it will force his hand without allowing too much investigation from outside sources."

Rinoa remembered something during the telephone conversation. "Zone mentioned he and Watts were going to a ground-breaking tomorrow in Timber. Does Esthar have something equivalent?"

"Yes, actually." Kiros paused. Reaching for his mobile phone, he began searching through his contacts. "It is to be held in unison with Timber's as a sign of solidarity. Another aide is supposed to be handling the address. However, I know that can easily be changed."

"Are you sure about this?" the commander asked.

Right now, he and Kiros were on the same wavelength. After all, it was what Squall would have done without question had their situations been reversed. Nobody else had caught on yet, but the realization wouldn't take long.

"Yes." The answer was dignified, spoken without indecision. "It was originally supposed to be me but, because of the situation surrounding your death, I stepped away from giving the address. I wanted to be there for Laguna if needed – it shouldn't be difficult to change. I'll contact the other aide and tell him it's Laguna's wish for government agencies to begin operating as normal. My position would typically include media relations so, to the public, this will be nothing out of the norm."

The President had a bad feeling – like he was missing the obvious. "Wait… _what's_ my wish?"

Kiros raised his hand to the President. "Please, you don't need to object, it's already duly noted. However, if the key lies in Sirtis believing we're going to use the infected land and that I am the only one wanting to make the change, then this seems like the most valid plan to draw him out. It just needs to be handled quickly, as the ceremony is scheduled for late tomorrow afternoon."

"You're going to be the bait," Laguna said as the truth slowly sank in; all emotions seemingly drained from his voice. This was the point when everything again became surreal. This entire twenty-four hours had been nothing short of a beautiful, yet horrific dream.

The President had known it would end up _here_. In his life, every positive situation eventually ended on this same worn path_._

"Won't it seem suspicious that you're suddenly doing the speech and changing the route?" Rinoa asked, genuinely curious.

It would be Squall who answered. In this moment, he was thankful that nobody else here shared his inner demons, but he also knew that in some twisted way, Sirtis may be an unlikely kindred spirit. There was a part of the commander who could emphasize with the darkness, though he would never admit these words out loud. Everybody was destined to follow their own path; Squall had found a way out of his mind with support and love. Sirtis was never afforded that opportunity; he lived a life in solitude, buried by the weight of the past.

Squall knew this would be Sirtis' final chance to make a stand – not only to Esthar, but for himself.

"Yes, Rinoa, it may raise some suspicions, but he'll be there. Whether he thinks it's happenstance or whether he thinks we're calling him out – it's part of his past that he's going to need to face. He has nothing to lose and with his illness, time is not on his side. If this is about some warped sense of salvation, he won't be able to keep away. He would rather be taken down in battle than die in what he would consider cowardly retreat. It might be his last chance to reflect on the past. It's risk versus reward. That simple. Even if he thinks there's a chance it could be a set up – pride will force him to be there."

"Okay, okay…lemme see if I got this right," Zell interrupted, wanting to clarify everything, "There's been a ton of things tossed out and my brain was sort of lost after zombies."

"Zombies – braiiins," Rinoa mocked. It had to be noted, plus it served as a humorous distraction.

"Ha, ha, very funny Rin." Zell shot her a knowing look. "Back to what I was saying, I just wanted to make sure I'm on the same page as everyone else here and, you know, not like three chapters behind. Basically, Kiros has decided to step up as our target by doing the speech at the ground-breaking and what he says is supposed to draw out Sirtis. He's going to lie to well, _everybody_, and say that Esthar is changing the route of the train, although they're not…so even if we don't catch Sirtis, they'll be a correction in the next few days."

"I believe that sums it up," Kiros said, gesturing to the martial artist. "We believe that the land was contaminated by Esthar but, in order to cover it up, a missile was said to have been destroyed. There may or may not be bodies, or any sort of evidence." As an afterthought, he added, "But no zombies. I can reasonably assure you of that. It appears your apocalypse will have to be pushed back to a later date."

"It was an _invasion_, not an apocalypse."

"I stand corrected." Kiros shook his head at Zell, unable to believe he was actually engaging in this debate.

"Sounds pretty much like the same outcome to me," Rinoa added her opinion, whether it was warranted or not.

Laguna had been quiet, ignoring the usual repartee of his friends. The President would never make peace with the plan, but he would have to accept it as an inevitability. More importantly, he would do everything within his power to make sure Kiros was well-guarded. Even if it meant having Rinoa cast a continuous Protect spell around him, it would be done. That much was guaranteed.

"What about backup?" Laguna asked, finally voicing his concerns.

Squall's earlier fears about Esthar's security didn't seem so irrational now or maybe Zone's 'conspiracy theory syndrome' was starting to rub off.

"I - I want to trust Esthar's military, God do I want to… but Kiros, if they just told you about the missile recently... I'm not sure who or what to believe anymore. I know that whoever told you could be relaying the information that they think is correct, but what if…"

As Laguna's voice trailed, Kiros picked up the conversation. "I understand. Some I thought I could trust, I may have to rethink – but I also must follow my gut. Those I know best and believe I can trust will know. Rest assured, this time I will heavily limit the information."

"SeeD." Laguna said the single word with a newfound determination. "What about Cid Kramer? Would he be willing to send support? I mean, security is being stepped up worldwide – I could hire a team, and have them placed around the area in plain clothes."

"_Slight_ problem..." Zell honestly hated to bring up this one minute detail. "They kind of want Sirtis dead. I mean dead – dead. It's kinda an unwritten rule and all. Shoot first, ask questions _never_."

Squall would regret the next words, but it needed to be known. "Not all of them."

Rinoa's breath hitched as her heart began to race. Taking a few steps away from the group, she rested her back against a wall for support. She didn't say anything, but the tension in her body said she knew Squall's line of thinking. She wasn't right; he wasn't wrong. That didn't make it any less difficult to swallow.

Zell hadn't caught Squall's underlying meaning and thought of their friends first; it had been a natural assumption on his part, just one that couldn't ever work to their favor. "I don't know if that will work… I think Quistis, Selphie, and Irvine are too recognizable after everything, especially since Sirtis was at your funeral. Even in plain clothes, they sort of stand out around these parts of the world, or all parts for that matter…"

"He's not talking about them," Rinoa said, trying not to sound bitter. "He's talking about the SeeDs at Fisherman's Horizon. He's talking about Lauren and her squad."

It had been Rinoa's decision to say it before she could hear the idea from Squall's mouth. It was one thing when she had to talk to Lauren for a few minutes at FH, or even over the phone, but it was certainly another to bring her into this mission.

It felt intrusive on more than one level. The working relationship Rinoa had built with Squall and the others was something that she wouldn't ever forget. They were a team. To bring Lauren in bothered Rinoa more than she cared to admit. Earlier she had said Squall was a hypocrite, but now she was doing the same thing. She trusted Zone. Squall didn't. Squall believed that Lauren was the best for the job – and, beyond the initial resentment, Rinoa did too. That fact upset her more than anything else as she couldn't even argue a better solution.

Most of the attention was focused on the tension between Rinoa and Squall, but there was someone else who was greatly affected by this. Zell had been looking at the ground, his mind processing just about every scenario with that particular group being reassigned. There was one thing he knew for sure – this was a volatile situation on all counts. Even the best laid plans can go to hell and he couldn't, he wouldn't, put someone he cared about in the possible line of fire. Yes, Garden had trained her well and this was their job – but there was also a level of emotional involvement for every SeeD out there.

The entire group had enough on their plate in trying to catch Sirtis – all the while protecting Kiros. Zell didn't want to worry about Alexandra too. She had gone through so much emotionally over the last few weeks and this was the one thing he could do for her – keeping her safe, even if she didn't know it. He had asked little on this mission, but there was something he had to ask now.

"Squall, I'm asking you a personal favor – please, can Alex not be involved? I know that as SeeDs, we're always in danger and it's part of our job. But please, she doesn't need to be anywhere near Esthar. Sirtis shot me and she'll remember that fact on every level. Seeing him will… I'm just asking this of you."

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm still commanding this mission, at least for now. So I'll inform Cid she'd be best suited to remain in Fisherman's Horizon. I honestly believe that if Lauren is called away, Alex would be the most capable squad leader – I believe that she also deserves the chance to take the reins on the FH investigation."

"Thanks man."

"It's the least I could do." The commander turned to Rinoa, knowing that she was his biggest hurdle at the moment. "Are you okay with this?"

"I have to be." Wrapping her arms around her waist, she mustered a feeble smile. "But you owe me. If we can pull everything together by tomorrow night… and if Zone's information turns out to be what helped, not to mention if I have to work alongside Lauren then…like I said, you owe me. When we get back Timber you will…" Still leaning against the wall, she gestured for him to finish the statement.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "I will what?"

"Are you being difficult on purpose? Okay, let's try this as a fill-in-the-blank question: if this plan does work thanks to Zone's information you will…."

"I'd prefer multiple choice. You left that way too open-ended for your own good."

"You_ are_ being difficult. Fine, since we're looking at a time issue, here's your damn multiple choice: A) Thank Zone and do your best to get along. B) Thank Zone and do your best to get along or C) Thank Zone and do your best to get along."

At that point, he walked over to her. Reaching out his hand, she accepted it without hesitation. "I'm glad you're managing to keep a sense of humor. I know this has been extremely difficult at times and that it doesn't seem like it'll change in the near future. And yes, I will do my best to get along with Zone. I can't guarantee it will work from my end or his, but maybe we can at least come to some sort of understanding. It's important to you, so there's common ground on that."

Maybe it wasn't the perfect answer from him, but it was perfectly him. Guiding her away from the wall, they rejoined the group. Instead of letting her go, he stayed behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. It was another small bit of affection he would have never showed years ago. This fact wasn't lost on Rinoa as she leaned back into his chest, silently thanking whatever had gotten them to this point – the good and bad, the ups and downs. Right now, with such a simple touch, she knew every moment was worth it.

"So, let's put this plan in action. I think we're all ready to see this through," the commander stated, reclaiming his authority yet never letting Rinoa go. "When we're done, I'm going to call Cid immediately. He needs to be brought into the loop that we have positively identified Duncan Sirtis as the shooter, plus bring him up-to-date on everything we have so far. I'll also put in the request for Lauren and her team, minus Alex and a few others to remain behind in FH. I'll probably have four to five capable SeeDs. Does anybody believe we'll need more?"

"I think that will suffice as we need to keep a low profile." Kiros then continued, "I can arrange for plain clothes security, on top of the normal security. As a nation, we tend to be lax on these types of gatherings but, with current events, it will be well within line. When we adjourn, I'll also put a call into the aide who was doing the speech and let him know of the change."

The President was the next to speak. "I'm going to put together the press release of the modified route for the TEL and that Kiros will address the situation publically during the ground-breaking ceremony tomorrow. I'll also issue a preliminary statement to the media outlets to help get the word out there. If Sirtis is following the news, he should hear about the change by the end of the night."

"Guess this leaves just Rin and myself," Zell said, rubbing his neck. "I can get a layout of the area for tomorrow's speech and start staking out the best vantage points. Rin can go down to the van and get our surveillance equipment so we can figure out the communication aspect." He then turned to her with a wry grin. If this did end tomorrow night, he had to get a few more jabs in now; he did have three years of teasing to catch up on after all. "Or you _could _work on the victory celebration if you'd prefer. You know, maybe a whale-shaped cake with whip cream and strawberries… or whatever - you're the expert there."

"I'm so going to ignore that last comment for your sake… But I'll be glad to get the equipment." She forced a smile as she tried to remain cool; the last thing she wanted was for questions to be asked.

* * *

There was a moment where the commander had to pause to take in everything since going for lunch in Dollet. A simple lunch, on a simple mission, that turned out to be anything but. There was a realization this could all be over soon. Everything he had ever known had been challenged in the last few weeks. And from now on, his life and choices would be completely under his control.

This was a leap of faith on so many levels.

Faith in himself, faith in Rinoa, faith in his abilities outside of Garden, and faith in the choices he would inevitably make – for good or bad. But at least they would be his mistakes and he would face whatever came his way.

Even now as he sat as his father's dining room table, it was hard to digest his surroundings. A man that he had adamantly avoided in the past was now one of his greatest allies. Squall had no doubt that Laguna would have always been this way, but it was a matter of him needing time – and possibly a very large nudge in the right direction by a bullet.

Still, as he sat by himself, Squall was thankful for everything. It would be hard to explain as most would look at a near-death experience as anything but positive, but that's exactly what it had turned out to be. In his life, he had taken many seemingly-impossible chances. Often they were not so much 'chances' as they were calculated risks – but there was no way to truly calculate love or the future they would hopefully share.

And now the plan was set in motion, one that would define the rest of his life.

Everybody had been handling things from their own end. Kiros left a few hours ago to work from Esthar's main government offices. Squall could only hope for the best and believe that Kiros had the support of his men. Their numbers would be fewer, the information would be limited, and there would always be questions, but there were always unknown variables with any mission.

Laguna had been in his home office, working some of the finer details out. Even Squall had to admit this was a lot suddenly thrown onto him over the last day or so. Laguna was also risking a lot – between lying about the route to the possibility that more of Esthar's brutal history may be unearthed. The President would even be putting his ties with the World Council possibly in danger, but Laguna didn't seem to worry about political agendas – he knew exactly what he wanted to do and never backed down.

Zell and Rinoa had moved on, completely working on hammering out the communications issues downstairs. The martial artist had also managed to get back into the van with Laguna's help. Keeping their interactions limited, no additional personnel would know that the two SeeDs were helping on this mission; the main communication would be exchanged between Esthar's soldiers and Lauren's SeeDs. Any communication including Squall and would be solely between him and Laguna – the President would serve as the go-between if anything needed to be relayed.

As for Squall, after a rather 'colorful' call with the headmaster, he managed to get the needed backup support. They would be arriving by mid-morning and report directly to Kiros. Cid hadn't been thrilled learning that Squall had been sitting on a positive identification, but the commander never second-guessed his earlier choice. Squall also never mentioned any connection to the Midnight Katipo project, only that Rinoa identified him from military photos and that the background data supported that Sirtis had extensive firearms experience.

Currently, the commander was studying the layout that Zell obtained earlier. There wasn't much to do at this point, as the martial artist had already marked the most viable locations. A lot of the planning would ride on when the SeeDs arrived tomorrow and correlated with Esthar's main security team. Squall knew that he would have to remain in the background to the action. He couldn't exactly give orders, but he could make suggestions through Laguna, which he would most definitely do.

He, along with Rinoa and Zell, would move to another location that Kiros was setting up. They would have full access to surveillance equipment, acting as a few more sets of eyes. Laguna had supposedly been in contact with the people, although the President had remained in his office afterwards. Squall weighed his options, the organized part of him wanting to verify the cameras had been set, while another part urging him to just let it go. It was an inner battle that soon ended. The commander reluctantly stood from the table and headed down the hall – better to be sure than to sit and contemplate the endless possibilities.

As he approached Laguna's open door, Squall found himself hesitating. This would be the first time he had been alone with Laguna; it was another awkward situation that he had hoped to avoid – at least he kept trying to convince himself of that. If that was truly the case, he could have turned back around, walked away, and asked the question when they wouldn't be alone.

And yet, he didn't leave.

Instinct told him to retreat but, in this case, he fought against what felt natural.

Taking that final step into the doorframe, it seemed that the President was very caught up in whatever he was writing, unaware of anyone watching. It seemed like fate had given Squall one last chance to change his mind, but instead he found himself studying the man before him.

His hair pulled back in typical low-ponytail fashion and, whether it was the angle or the light, Squall noticed several prominent gray streaks in his hair. He also wore a wire-rimmed set of reading glasses, something else that Squall had never seen before. For a brief second, Squall almost didn't even recognize him – he seemed to be showing his age, but that could have been the emotional beating he had taken over the last few weeks. It was times like these that Laguna let his guard down – trying not to put on any façade for anyone.

Squall believed there were two sides of this man. One side that was outwardly carefree and tried to remain jovial, even in the face of adversity – he couldn't always do this, but the man damn well tried. Then there was the side that was extremely serious, with a work ethic that could easily rival his own. And in some ironic twist, it was also that side that Laguna tried not to let others see as often.

Oddly enough, the one thing he didn't label his father anymore was 'moron.' The man could be different, but his cheerfulness was a personality quirk – one that Squall could only aspire to even carry a pinch of it.

Taking one last deep breath, Squall finally knocked on the door.

"I just was coming in to double check that everything is set on your end for tomorrow."

If Laguna had been startled, he didn't show it. Looking up, he saw his son in the doorway and, for a few moments, he just stared. It probably made Squall feel that much more uncomfortable, but the sight was something beyond imagination, beyond hope. Honestly, the only thing in the world that mattered right now was that Squall was standing there – very much alive. It was a brief moment of giving thanks, but one that needed to be done.

Clearing his throat, Laguna set the pen down from his hands.

"Yeah, they're going to be placing the cameras tonight. I'm also friends with the owner of a nearby building that has a great view of the area. Even better, it's currently being renovated into condos. He's fine letting us use as many units as we need for surveillance. They'll be a set of monitors in there for you three to watch. So, we're pretty much done tonight with everything from our end until SeeD arrives in the morning – then that'll be another story." Laguna paused, scratched his head, and looked to Squall with a concerned look. "Um, I guess the bigger question is – how is everything set on _your _end?"

It was funny – even though Laguna's question was rather vague, Squall understood him completely.

The commander let out a sound somewhere between a grunt and a laugh. "How the hell she's managing to do this and still speak to me is beyond me. Tomorrow will be… interesting."

Laguna gave a sympathetic laugh. When he thought of the situation as a whole, he felt bad for his son, tomorrow probably wasn't going to be the easiest hurdle to jump.

"Interesting is... an _interesting _word choice," Laguna said with a wry smile. "Well, how about a slightly easier topic – how did everything go with Cid Kramer?

Squall gave an audible sigh. "I managed to get a hold of him, although not a high point in my life by any means. For lack of better words, I'm kind of on his shit list right now."

"Well, you're damn good at your job. I'm sure his anger is only temporary."

Squall leaned against the doorframe. "Maybe… at least his anger on a personal level is. _Professionally_ it might take a bit longer."

"I guess you ended up timing your resignation perfectly then."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

Looking at the window behind Laguna, Squall focused on the city's lights as evening was fast approaching. Both were quiet – it seemed like they'd reached an unspoken impasse. Laguna was hesitant to say more – afraid of saying the wrong thing and undoing any progress they had made. Squall wasn't even sure why he was still standing there. It would have been so easy to walk away; it took more emotional strength to remain.

Squall closed his eyes for a brief second; he fought those initial thoughts of saying goodbye or thank you. It would have been so damn simple, yet what came out of his mouth was something neither of them would have expected.

"…Tell me about Raine."

And once it was said, it couldn't be taken back.

The commander's heart raced like he was charging into battle and maybe he was – with himself. He spent so long running from this – his father, his mother, his entire past and here he was, asking to face it head on.

Even Laguna was dumbfounded as the words sank in. Raine wasn't a subject that he talked freely about. The memories were sometimes too painful, let alone say out loud. They were personal to him, something shared between only he and Raine. Yes, Ellone knew some, but there were also things that he had buried deep in his heart and hadn't ever shared with anyone. Until now, it never felt right.

"…Are you sure?" Again, on the surface, Laguna's question sounded simple, but Squall could decipher through its cryptic meaning.

If Squall let this in, he would eventually have to face everything from his past. There would be no running and hiding behind masks. There would be no more denying the pain - from his mother passing away during childbirth to his years at the orphanage. In the past, Squall had put little stock into his memories, often treating them as if they were nothing more than something he watched in a movie or a television show. They were easy to mentally sort and catalog if they seemed like the belonged to someone else. It wasn't the best way to deal with it and it was nothing short of denial, but it was how he had found a way to survive.

He couldn't live like that any longer, because that is exactly what those years at Garden were – _surviving_ not living.

"Yes." He had answered firmly, looking Laguna in the eyes.

The President smiled, trying to hide the overpowering flood of emotion. The last thing he wanted to do was to scare Squall off before he even had the chance to sit down. Still, he couldn't help the water forming in the corners of his eyes - willpower alone kept them from falling. Laguna managed to hold his composure together as he gestured towards the chair in front of him. His hand was trembling as he did so, but so was his entire body at this point. Laguna tried to calm down, mentally reminding himself how he needed to keep himself together, how he couldn't show weakness, how-

"It's all right. I'm feeling the same," Squall reassured, as if he was reading his thoughts.

Laguna managed to examine his son as he took the seat before him. The commander was wearing a dark t-shirt and jeans. His hair was unruly, which was probably from the hundreds of times today that he'd ran his hand through it in aggravation. It was a trait Laguna had noticed early on, but never mentioned it in all these years. It was something he'd used to do in his younger days before settling on tying his hair back.

But it wasn't Squall's outward appearance that drew his attention the most; it was something unspoken that bound them together. Laguna realized that he wasn't the only one facing this anxiety. In that moment, he could see the uncertainty hidden beyond Squall's outward veneer. It brought Laguna an unlikely sense of reassurance, knowing that he wasn't alone in his fears. This would be hard for both of them, but they both needed to face it so they could begin the healing process. For Laguna, he knew he had put that off way too long; it was only when faced with this moment that he could fully comprehend.

"So, Raine was… Raine was," Laguna wavered, trying to figure out how to explain the unexplainable. He had never put his memories into words and now he knew why. Finally, he decided on the only answer that fit. "Raine was everything."

He nervously laughed after he heard his answer. In times like these, being articulate wasn't his strength. Looking down, he timidly interlocked his fingers as if he was going to crack his knuckles, but instead he just stared helplessly at his hands. Squall had been patient, allowing Laguna to face his own ghosts.

Laguna finally spoke, his voice was soft. "Meeting her was one of those things you just don't plan but, after it happened, you can't imagine life any other way. There was a part of me that flat-out refused to believe my feelings were real. I tried so damn hard to justify what I was feeling as anything but what it really was, but somehow I knew… In my heart, I always knew. God, I miss her."

There was something emotionally heart-wrenching about hearing Laguna speak. It was almost as if he was reliving the memories as he talked, straining to find just the right words. Somehow, he managed. Squall almost wanted to stop this, but he knew this wasn't just about hearing about his mother, it was about Laguna talking about her. They both needed this and to leave would do more harm than good.

As for what Laguna said, the commander could relate on some level – it seemed that love was the one thing in his life that he couldn't plan either; he also understood the desire to deny what had been right in front of him.

Laguna had recomposed himself; maybe the first words really were the hardest – the initial dam holding back the doubt had been broken. With more conviction, he started with where it all began.

"Raine had taken care of me, but that wasn't what made me realize how I felt. It was the little things – her love of flowers, the way she truly cared for people, the way she cherished life. She saw beauty in things I never could. And for some reason, she always believed in me – even when I didn't always believe in myself."

Laguna managed to smile at that thought. Leaning forward, he placed his elbows on his desk for support.

"The rest of the town just saw me as some outsider that would never fit in or understand their way of life. Maybe I was, maybe I would never fit in… and honestly, I never did. But I can't look back on that…because in the end, it doesn't matter what _they thought_, only what _we_ _knew._ And even if you never believe me on anything else, we did know what we had. I loved her."

There was little Squall could say at the moment. He simply couldn't form the words. It was hard to hear this, hard to think of this man as somebody who had experienced love and loss, happiness and grief. It had been easier for Squall to keep his distance than to face this very moment – the moment when he fought against resentment and started breaking down barriers.

To Squall, there was no doubt that Laguna loved Raine. That was honestly something that he had never doubted; it had only made the truth of how things turned out that much more painful.

He knew that Laguna was looking at him, waiting for some sort of assurance. Maybe that was something Laguna needed to know for himself. Maybe he needed Squall to know that his parents loved each other very much. Squall still didn't think he could say something one way or another, so instead, he nodded in response.

He nodded because he knew it was true.

Laguna did need that. Like so many things in his life, he couldn't explain why. With that, he managed a thinly-veiled smile as he continued. "Too proud, too arrogant, too reckless - I heard it all. I just didn't fit in anywhere… I've spent hours thinking of what I could have done differently, what would have been that _one _thing to make everything right. If I hadn't been so damn stubborn and hell-bent on trying to save everyone, maybe I could have saved her… and myself."

Again, he found himself pausing, allowing his mind to catch up to the heartbeat pounding in his chest. It was years of bottled memories resurfacing into a flood of emotion. This was the one subject that neither Kiros nor Ward had ever talked to him about. They always believed he would open up when he felt ready – and right now was that time. It still didn't make it any easier. Not by a long shot.

"What was she like?" Squall finally asked. It was one thing to see pictures or even his own memories through Ellone's abilities. But he wanted to hear about her in Laguna's words – the little things, everything that made her _her._

"Raine was… _perfect._ Stubborn, insistent, annoying, beautiful, a whole lot of everything, but always perfect… to me. Did I mention stubborn?" Laguna smiled, genuinely laughing at those particular attributes.

"I can relate," Squall replied with his own small laugh. Who knew the one thing that would inevitably lighten the mood was the correlation between Raine and Rinoa's stubbornness.

"Yeah, somehow I think you can," Laguna agreed, although he loved Rinoa like a daughter, he knew her temperament. But just like Raine, Laguna wouldn't have wanted her to be any other way and he was positive his son felt the same.

"As far as Raine, I guess it's hard to sit down and explain after all this time. I wish I could… Squall, I wish I could tell you something about her that would make you understand exactly who she was… What I can tell you about her won't make any pain in your life disappear, I don't know if it will even make you feel any connection to her, but you deserve to know. I know her, and she'd at least want me to try… trust me, she'd insist on it.

"She loved flowers, white lilies in particular. She was horrible at cards; Ellone thought she always let her win, but it wasn't on purpose. She would dance while washing the dishes if she thought nobody was looking. She also found out that she loved art, but wasn't very good at creating it. That's kind of a cute story and typical Raine."

"I'd like to hear it." That struck a chord with him. Art was something that he had found about himself over the last few years. It was a surprising revelation back then. It was odd how he now felt something that was so random in his life turned out to be something he shared with his mother.

"Well, it was a few days before her birthday and I tried forever to figure out what to get her. I was limited in funds and gifts were never exactly my forte…but I remembered when I'd go out monster hunting she'd sit with Ellone and color for hours. I knew she loved looking at books with art from around the world, but wasn't the best at creating her own art. Although, I will admit that she and Ellone had pretty much mastered the art of drawing stick figures. Still, she loved the process so I bought her some oil paints for her birthday. They weren't the best, but they were the best I could do. I think she was embarrassed to paint around me so she waited to use them. As far as I know, she only ever painted one picture in the months I was gone… a bowl of fruit. Leave it to Raine to pick the most clichéd thing but, it was a start. I-I…well, it's one of the few things I managed to bring back from Winhill, although it's hard for me to look at still. But if I know her, she was damn proud of it, cliché and all."

And suddenly Laguna's 'art choice' in the guest bedroom no longer seemed ridiculous or out of place; it seemed beautiful. Squall never even had to ask why it was there — he understood. Truly, he found that his father had more strength than him. Squall believed that if the situations had been reversed, he wouldn't have had it up at all. It would have been easier to bury it away in the back of a closet – out of sight, out of mind. His father had a deep-rooted strength and Squall truly admired him for this.

"You know Squall, it's funny now that I'm talking about this again how many things are coming back. So many little things I'd forgotten or maybe purposely tried not to remember… Like when I went on those monster hunts to the outskirts of Winhill. Whenever I'd come back, I'd always called Raine the 'commander' and Ellone the 'assistant commander.' I just realized that now, given your job and all, it's of kinda ironic. God, how did I allow myself to forget that?"

"I guess that makes all three of us being commanders at one point. Runs in the family."

"Yeah, guess it does." Laguna had to take in the moment – that was the first time Squall had ever referenced them as a family in that manner.

"Raine sounds amazing." It was the truth; she sounded like everything he ever believed her to be.

"She was. She always loved fairytales and happy endings. She loved believing anything was possible, even if the world told her it wasn't. And you know what… somehow, for some godforsaken reason, she loved me. She honestly loved me…."

The President trailed off as he felt that familiar doubt creeping in. He always tried to deny his skepticism, to remember the good times and not question the bad. Laguna's tone became heavy and his fears started to get the better of him. The fears he had tried to deny for well over twenty years.

"But Squall, there are times now, times when I sit here and stare off into god-knows-where, I question everything. Did she really love me? I mean, sure it's easy to say to she did to everyone… I don't even know if my memories are real anymore or if my mind has twisted the facts so that reality doesn't hurt so damn much. I'm afraid I've manufactured my memories of her and that scares the hell out of me."

"She loved you. I have no doubt of that." And no matter the history of the two men, there were some things Squall would believe with absolute certainty – and that was one of them.

It was a feeling that Squall couldn't explain, but maybe somehow part of him did know his mother. She was that part of his conscience that spoke to him when he needed her most. It was that same part that guided him here – not only to Esthar and his father, but back to Rinoa.

Raine believed in love because she _was_ in love. It was that simple.

* * *

**End notes**: I'm saying this here in case it comes up, scratch that, I'm pretty sure it _will_ come up. *ducks and hides*

There are going to several things happening in the next chapters, I know many won't agree with some of them or might question it. I understand that too. One of my ideas does not follow what is believed by canon, but this is only an interpretation of a single event on this particular story. I'm just hoping you can wait until you see it as a whole…many will want to throw the traditional rotten-tomatoes at me, and I'm sure and some will be 'ha, see!' I won't say anymore than that, but from here things are going to happen quickly and again, may seem…odd. I understand, I do. I've only changed one thing about the entire story and after I made the outline, I'll explain the reasoning behind that when it comes up.

Basically get ready as it gets near the end, things will happen semi-quickly from here on out. So get your tomatoes ready…you can either toss them at me or use them to make ketchup. I'll understand either way. ;)

Thanks again, the support from everyone through this has been amazing.


	24. Past Tense and Future Tense

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Sixty-Nine: Past Tense** _

* * *

 

_****_The last person Laguna had ever expected reassurance from was his son. Squall would never truly know his mother, he would never carry on a conversation with her, or he would never have more than Laguna's words to form an opinion – but even with all the reasons not to believe, hearing the words from Squall was the best reassurance he could have ever had.

It was Squall's next words that would truly start to bridge the gap of doubt.

"Remember, I saw her from your eyes, before I knew who she was," Squall began, trying not to let the memories get to him either.

He wished he had known the truth; he wished that Ellone had showed him so much more. If he had known back then, he wouldn't have been aggravated or frustrated at being forced to watch the lives of two total strangers. Well, he still might have been slightly irritated as Ellone's timing usually left a lot to be desired.

Like Laguna, Squall understood how paralyzed fear could make you. It would make you question even the most obvious things until you know longer could tell fact from fiction. The commander would never know the weight his words carried now, but he wanted to let his father know what he remembered firsthand.

Squall had a glimpse into the past, a glimpse that would always remain both beautiful and haunting.

"Raine loved you even then. I'll never doubt what I witnessed through your eyes – I just hope you can remember it as clearly as I saw. It was real. Plus, she married you. I think that's all the answer you need."

"No… not really." Ashamed of his response, Laguna shook his head unable to look at his son. "I'm so sorry…"

Laguna was surprised he was bringing this up. Still, this was his one shot at honesty and trying to mend a relationship that could never be whole. He could only do his best and doing his best meant complete openness. Squall, above anyone else, did have the right to know. Instinctively, Laguna started to nervously twist the wedding ring on his finger.

"I guess, if we're being honest… I need to tell you the whole story. It's all a lie, a damn lie. I've lived with it because I had to... I mean, had to for myself. I needed to believe it was real."

"What?" Squall had no words, well, no _polite_ words.

He felt utterly sick. If this were true it would be a betrayal beyond anything he could have ever imagined. There was a part of him that wanted to get up and walk at the door, cursing the man forever and cursing himself for taking this chance. Not only had Laguna lied to him, but he had lied to the entire world. It didn't make sense…it simply did _not_ make sense.

Laguna hesitated, trying to fight back the tears once again threatening to fall. No good could come out of showing weakness. Not now, not in front of this man, his son – he hadn't even been able to make eye contact since the confession. His shaking hands barely had the strength to remove the wedding ring. As soon as it left his finger, Laguna knew it was the first time in nearly a quarter of a century that he had found the need to even make that step. But it wasn't removed because of courage - it was removed because of guilt. He was ashamed of what he now perceived as being weak back then. If he could have just done a few things differently… God if he could take it all back and try again.

For a second, he just stared at the silver band. Once it was off of his finger, it was nothing more than a foreign object. Swallowing what pride remained, he set the ring on the desk in front of him.

"I'm sorry, we weren't actually married. Not really, it was a fantasy. I'm so, so sorry… There are so many things I should have done differently…"

"I-I don't even," the commander took a breath, "What the hell? Why did you pull this lie on everyone?"

"Because if you think something long enough, it becomes the truth," Laguna paused, as he held up his bare hand. He needed to do this now, before he backed down. Squall deserved to know the truth, even if he hated him for it. It hadn't been his intention to keep the secret so long, but there was a part of the President that had come to accept the marriage as the truth. God, he had just wanted Squall to also.

"Squall, what do you define as a marriage?" Laguna quickly motioned to ignore the question. It wasn't the way to go about this, plus it was obvious that Squall was upset. "Don't answer that. My mind is all over the place… I guess what I'm getting at is that Raine and I had to find our own definition of marriage; it just didn't fit into any other conventional definition."

Upon hearing that, Squall found himself calming down. There was something in him that didn't want to fully believe what Laguna had said at face value. It had made no sense – it was also that sliver of hope that kept him from walking out of this man's life forever. Although Laguna could be absentminded at times and often had questionable judgment, Squall never saw him as outright deceitful. Even though he had differences with his father and didn't care for most of his choices, the one choice that he never questioned was marrying Raine.

Laguna picked up the ring in front of him, balling his hand into a fist around it. "I need to explain from the beginning… the fact is that nobody in Winhill would marry us… and maybe they were right in the end. Maybe they did know what was best for her, but I wouldn't see it and, in all her stubbornness, neither would she. When I had to leave for Esthar, I swore when I got back, with Ellone in hand, the town would change their minds. Then she'd have the wedding she deserved, with flowers, and ribbons, and all that frilly stuff. I already had the ring, but had been waiting for the perfect moment – the moment when everyone would accept us."

Setting the ring back down, Laguna actually smiled as he talked about the next part. "But it didn't work out that way exactly…maybe in my heart I knew that nothing I ever did would be good enough and wanting the town's blessing was just a dream. So, when I was leaving for Esthar, I did possibly the craziest, most impulsive, most beautiful thing I'd ever done. I asked her to marry me there, on the spot. I already had the rings on me, so why not? There we were in the middle of a field, not a damn soul around. It was a feeling that I could never describe in words, it was everything because of her. I still can remember every little detail… In the end, those memories would be what get me to sleep at night. I can still picture the moon… It was so full and bright – everything just lit up in its path, but nothing will ever compare to seeing her eyes reflecting in the glow. To this day, whenever I see a full moon, I feel like she's watching over me. I can see those eyes… Just for a moment, it's like only her and I out in the middle of the field again."

Laguna turned his chair so he was looking out the window. In the distance, the moon was showing even over the city's lights. "I know what the moon can do… God help me I've had to deal devastation of the Lunar Cry for years… but that's the extreme, something brought on by humanity's foolish actions. In its element, it will always be beautiful to me."

Squall had watched that same full moon this morning – and somehow it had given him faith that everything was going to be all right. It was the first time in ages that he could remember looking to the sky and finding hope. Maybe Raine was guiding him, giving him the encouragement to move forward, and to accept that his past was behind him. It was illogical and probably downright ridiculous but maybe, for once in his life, Squall was honestly starting to look beyond the logic and just believe.

As Laguna stared at the almost translucent-looking moon, he shook his head, softly admitting, "Putting that ring on her finger is the memory that is the most cherished to me… but it's also the most haunting. Still, exchanging vows that night was the one mistake I never made."

"You were married," Squall stated firmly. "In the end, laws don't matter, only what you two believed…and if you two believed the vows you exchanged with one another … then it was real. Don't ever convince yourself otherwise."

Again, the words touched Laguna. Of all the people in the world, his - _their _son's was the only opinion that truly mattered. He had always lived with the regret of never having it legalized, but to know that Squall believed it was just as real as any document meant everything to him.

Laguna once again found himself grasping at words that were hard to say. Instead of responding, he turned back around and reached to his top desk drawer. Squall's eyes watched Laguna as he slowly pulled out a silver ring, firmly holding onto it with his fingers.

"I um, I don't…" Laguna began before he had to cough, taking a few moments to clear his throat. He was going to get through this and maybe with the moon acting as his guardian angel, he could do just that. "I, ah, normally don't keep this in here, but after the funeral, I worked from this office a lot… so I kinda found strength in having it close. I can't explain it, I just needed…"

Laguna shook his head, unable to continue. His body still trembled as he extended his hand, offering it for his son to hold. Squall looked at the silver object, a thousand fears collided in his mind and he was almost afraid to touch it, knowing the inevitable sorrow it may cause. In any other situation he might have declined, but the way Laguna's hand was shaking was difficult to bear and accepting it felt like a necessary act of mercy.

The moment Squall's fingers touched the ring, all the pain and heartache of his past seemed to be coursing throughout his body. It was that voice in his head that argued with his heart, the one that he had convinced himself was there to protect him. He could remember the years of never knowing about his parents and convincing himself he didn't care. _He didn't care._ He spent so long in his own thoughts, building walls that shouldn't be destroyed. _That wouldn't be destroyed_. He never needed anyone – friends, family, love, and especially parents – he used to want none of that; he believed he could survive alone. _He could survive alone. _

Slowly, each wall had crumbled.

Slowly, all those things he had denied meant something.

Slowly, his parents were no longer ideals or passing thoughts he tried to ignore – they were living, breathing, and loving people. They were real.

Slowly, he learned to silence that voice. Even if his heart didn't win every battle, it was going to be strong enough to win the war.

This was the first thing he had knowingly seen of his mother's. Of course there had been the fruit painting, which now was the most beautiful piece of art he had ever laid eyes upon, but it could never compare to meaning of this ring.

"Her ring?" Squall didn't know why he asked. Honestly, from the moment he touched the silver band, he had felt her presence. It was probably just an internal manifestation of his emotions, but he honestly believed that her spirit was watching over them. It wasn't a presence in a conventional sense, but the spirit of all the happiness she encompassed – her love of life and her love for both him and Laguna.

Laguna found a way to smile as he looked at his son. "The townspeople wouldn't bury her with it. To them, we weren't married… I never thought it was any of their business, but they took it off her as far I'll know… There was an older lady who ran a flower shop…she wasn't thrilled with me, but she was more accepting than most. She cared about Raine enough to save the ring, the painting, and a few other small things… I mean, she didn't care enough to tell me about you, but I think it might have been more about her wanting Ellone to have something. There was a crystal bowl Raine used to keep candy in so that when Elle finished her chores, she'd get to grab a piece. I gave it to Ellone because I thought it would mean something to her."

"I think Raine would have been glad and I know Ellone is appreciative." Squall looked at the ring in his hand. It was so different than the one he would spend countless hours staring it. It was so simple. So beautiful. "Is this platinum or white gold?"

"Ha, no not even close." Laguna managed a genuine laugh as he leaned back into his chair. "By then, I was basically broke. I mean broke-broke. What money I had when I arrived was pretty much used up in the months Raine was caring for me and honestly, hunting Buchubuchus and Bunbuns didn't pay all that well… though I'd sometimes score a piece of candy from the bowl myself, but only if Ellone thought I did well enough, which wasn't often. She was a sweet little girl, but wasn't much for sharing her candy."

Both men managed a small laugh. Squall had completely forgotten, but hearing Laguna say that jarred a childhood memory.

"I seem to remember something at the orphanage… Seifer and Zell snuck into her room and stole some of her red licorice sticks. The following morning, a few of their larger toy soldiers were mysteriously wearing nail polish and make-up. The make-up was Matron's, but Sis used a permanent red marker for the nail polish…let's just say the guys were traumatized. However, Selphie and Quistis thought it was an improvement. I… I forgot all about that."

"Elle had her moments, but she was such a loving, energetic little girl – just don't take her candy. Even now, I advise against it…but don't tell her I said that." Laguna jokingly put up his hand like he was telling Squall that it was a secret.

"Oh, the ring…sorry, I got sidetracked. I tend do that," Laguna sheepishly admitted, hoping that Squall wouldn't be too put off. Still, the President had a feeling that his son had probably come to this conclusion on his own way before now.

"I'm friends with Irvine and Zell… it's pretty much the norm. You were saying what the ring was made of?"

"Okay, as I was saying, I was broke-broke. But, there was this older couple back in Winhill who owned this really big house at the end of street, and they were quite…eccentric. I suppose that's the 'nice' way of putting it. It was no big surprise that they weren't too fond of me but, for some reason, they took a shining to Kiros. Anyway, because their son had been called away to war, they would ask Kiros to do some manual labor around the house…you know, odd jobs here and there. I would usually end up helping him, but would hide or duck behind something if they came around…again, they really didn't like me. They would pay Kiros in silver coins and he'd split the earnings.

"There was no jewelry store in the area, so I ended taking my share of coins to the local silversmith. Eventually, I talked him into melting them down and forging the rings. Of course, it cost me several more coins to have him agree to do it, remember, they really didn't like me… so in order to get it done, Kiros ended up giving him most of his coins too. But sometimes you do what you have to do; I'm just thankful I had friends that stood by me."

Squall sat silently amazed; not only by the ring but behind all the love and dedication behind its existence. All the commander could do was stare at the ring and think how much his mother must have loved everything about it. It didn't matter what it was made of, only who had given it to her.

"I think it's beautiful."

"Thanks… I guess I've always felt guilty. I thought she deserved so much more – diamonds, platinum, gold, the sun, the moon, everything, anything…but a few melted coins were all I could offer. So, we made do."

Squall wrapped his fingers around the ring, wanting to imprint the feel into memory. Finally, he looked back to his father and gave him the ring back. Laguna accepted, setting it on the desk in front of him. It was the first time both rings had been unworn in well over two decades. As the President looked at the rings resting next to one another, he realized he finally had found that reason he had been looking for, that reason to move forward.

"Can I ask about one more thing?" Squall had been curious - if his parents weren't officially married and if the townspeople of Winhill didn't accept their union, what about Raine's grave? "If the town didn't acknowledge the wedding, why does her tombstone say Loire?

"I did that," Laguna stated firmly. It was the one small victory he could claim. "I had one made several years later that said Loire, after the animosity died down. Honestly, I was half-expecting that it would be removed…but they didn't. Maybe it wasn't worth the fight. Maybe I wasn't worth it. We'd all suffered enough. For whatever reason, the headstone still remains that says Loire. It's a small victory, but one that I'll gladly take."

Laguna was glad at the realization. "You've been there. She would have appreciated that."

"…I didn't really want to go at first." It sounded horrible when he said it, especially after hearing how much they had had endured. The worst part was that when Squall had visited, he felt that it was forced on him. He ended up doing it as something to appease someone else rather than for himself or even his mother. He could have covered that up, but somehow he felt the need to explain fully, he owed Raine that much.

"Truthfully, I ended up doing it more for Rinoa. She seemed to think it was important…and, somehow, I thought she'd let the whole thing rest if I gave in – maybe wouldn't try to push me on the whole 'knowing my family' thing, but yeah, _that_ didn't work. I underestimated her stubbornness."

"Yeah, that can be a fatal mistake. You know, I hope you don't take this wrong, but sometimes I can see a little of Raine in her – I mean the qualities."

"I doubt she'd be offended in the least. As she mentioned at breakfast, she's in good company. In the end, I'm glad I went to Winhill even if it was for the wrong reasons at the time. I think maybe now I'll find the time to go back, sometime…"

There was an awkward silence between them. Laguna wanted to ask about Rinoa but he also knew that he might be pushing his luck to transition topics. Squall was a very private person and listening to him talk about his mother wasn't the same as being asked questions. For the most part, Laguna had done all the talking; he wouldn't expect his son to say anymore than he had.

It didn't surprise Laguna when Squall stood up. In all truthfulness, Laguna had never expected him to sit down for this long, if at all. What did surprise him, however, was when Squall said he would be right back - _that_ was something the President wasn't expecting. Laguna didn't say anything as his son left the room; instead, he reached for the two rings on the desk, knowing that the time really had come to move on. He would never forget, but this was the push he had always needed.

It hadn't taken more than a minute before Squall returned to the office. This time, the commander made a conscious effort to close the door behind him. Laguna wasn't sure how to interpret his action. It most likely meant he didn't want anybody hearing what he was going to say, whether that was good or bad remained to be seen. As Squall walked closer, Laguna could see he had something concealed in the palm of his hand. It wasn't until the commander sat down and produced a small, velvet box that Laguna had a vague idea it was jewelry of some sort – he wouldn't venture a guess beyond that.

Setting the closed box on the desk, Squall ushered it towards his father. "I bought her an engagement ring."

Laguna was utterly speechless as the news sank in. "You wha? When?"

There was also something unsettling about Squall's bluntness. He was often direct, but the two terms had quite a distinction, although their nuances were sometimes hard to decipher.

"Three years ago, before the breakup… but I'd rather not rehash the particulars. Let's just say that buying it would lead to a series of questions. It was those questions that would eventually lead to the end of our relationship."

Thinking back, it seemed now that Squall's life had been a constant barrage of questions, often evolving but rarely resolving. Even as he sat here, he thought of Laguna's earlier question, although there was one major difference – his ability to answer. The thing was – it wasn't Laguna that needed to hear the answer first, it was Rinoa. It might have been hard to explain to himself and others, but somehow he just knew.

Of course, that theory didn't exactly transfer over to telling Laguna about the engagement ring. For that one, he deserved some explanation.

"So, I'm taking it she knows about the ring?"

"…That's complicated," Squall said after some initial hesitation.

"Well, my life has been nothing but complicated, maybe I can relate…I mean, if you want to talk or anything."

Laguna hoped his words hadn't sounded too eager. It was meant as a casual invitation, but often things came out sounding misconstrued. Again, it was one of those side effects of the President's habitual over-thinking. He could mentally hear Raine scolding him at this point, but somehow right now, hearing her voice, even if mentally reprimanding him, was somehow comforting.

Looking down, Squall massaged his temple trying to ease the building stress. He had gone this far, it was too late to back down now. Even more surprising was the fact that talking about it came as a strange relief.

"She didn't know then, but apparently found out after the funeral…or that's what I assume."

"Oh right, the will."

"Exactly. I had no idea they'd pack up everything so quickly. Honestly, it is protocol to clear things out and move forward. I suppose it sounds cold, but it's the truth and to avoid suspicion, Cid didn't make an exception in my case. Maybe it was for the better that Rinoa found out about it, but I didn't exactly want her knowing that way…or knowing _ever_."

"Honestly? It seems to me that 'ever' is a very long time."

"I broke ties with her for her sake. At least I thought I had."

Sighing, Laguna leaned back to his chair carefully watching his son. There were so many things he could have said, especially knowing the difference between what Squall was saying and what his actions otherwise implied.

"Squall, you want me to believe that or, in some convoluted way, you've convinced yourself it's true, but we both know otherwise. I don't believe you ever wanted to cut ties…_completely._ Keeping the ring, naming her in the will – those are ties that could have been broken. You two may have been physically apart and not speaking, but the ties were never really cut. And truthfully, knowing the bond, I don't know if they ever could be."

"The ring was kept as sign of my failures not as a reminder of her."

"You're telling me one thing, but I don't even think you believe it. How you could separate those two things doesn't seem possible." He paused knowing this wasn't getting them anywhere. It wasn't the reason Squall showed him, and it certainly wasn't the reason Squall had it in Esthar in the first place. "If the ring is the past, why is it here?"

"I… honestly don't know. I saw it at her house. It was just like when we were starting to move forward. There it was, dragging me back into the past."

"Squall, it's diamonds and metal. It doesn't define you."

"Doesn't it?" The commander couldn't help but let out a small, sarcastic laugh. Reaching out, he picked up his father's wedding ring. "You worked for months, just to get the silver to make the ring. I walked into a damn store."

"This isn't about the ring or how you got it. It was never a symbol of your love, but your regret. If I had the money, I would have walked into the store; I honestly wished I could have. It comes down to the fact that I never looked back, but at that time, you couldn't look forward or something like that right? You said the breakup was because of questions… If the questions were along the lines of wanting to be married or not - then how you got the ring wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference. It still doesn't answer the question of why you brought it with you."

"I've been asking myself that for the last few days. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure, but something was just nagging at me. I left her everything in the will and I didn't give a damn about anything else, money, property, whatever…just not the ring. It's my fault for not getting rid of it, but I can't exactly take that back now."

As his voice softened, he handed Laguna's wedding ring back to him. For some reason, he didn't want to set it back down; instead, he respectfully handed it directly to Laguna.

The President paused as he looked down at the ring in the palm of his hand. He knew something of regret, he knew of uncertainty. On yet another level, he found a way to relate to his son. "Maybe it's the same reason I hadn't been able to take this off until now – maybe we're both holding onto the past."

Squall reached down, closing the velvet box that had long been an albatross. Without looking down, he placed it into his pants' pockets. It seemed like neither father nor son wanted to be the first to speak. In the midst of silence, Squall stood from his seat and walked over to the window. Laguna stayed in the chair behind his desk, not turning to follow his son's movements. As the President held his own wedding ring in his palm, Squall watched the skyline and even in the company of one another, they both found their own moments of solitude.

The moon was more visible as the sky turned into night. Even through the lights Squall could make out the minutest details, just like earlier that morning. He also felt that same sense of hopefulness, a feeling he couldn't understand until now.

"Maybe it's time we both moved forward. It seems to me that taking off the ring was your first step, now I need to make mine."

* * *

As Kiros walked into the main living area of the Presidential Palace, he immediately noticed the noise, or rather the lack thereof. This seemed odd, given the situation and the current visitors, but welcomed it on his end nonetheless. The preparations were complete, at least until the SeeDs arrived tomorrow.

When he entered the main hallway, a door opened and Zell smiled with a quick nod. "Yo."

Kiros cleared his throat, "_Yo_ to you too. Laguna around?"

Zell motioned towards the President's office. "In there."

"Rinoa?"

This time the martial artist pointed towards the guest bedroom. "In there."

"Squall with her?"

"No…think he's _in there_ too." He again pointed to Laguna's office.

"Really?"

"We think so…can't say for sure, but his hiding places are limited. Rin and I were working down in the van, came back up and the door's been closed since. So that's kind of our best guess that they're talking, fighting, or playing go-fish, but we kinda figured it wasn't the latter, knowing it's not Laguna's forte. Not sure they'd even have a deck around, although I guess you wouldn't need one, because you could really use any normal card deck, really, but that's all really beside the point. Basically, they're in there and there's been no screaming or sounds of weapon fire. So, hopefully it's civil."

"That's…" Kiros began, but really didn't know how to finish exactly. Not only to any of Zell's commentary, but also the fact the two were together, in the same room.

Thankfully, Zell fully understood. "Yea, I know."

"I was supposed to talk to Laguna, but now I'm not positive. I don't want to bother them."

"Maybe wait? I dunno. They've been in there awhile…which is either good or bad."

"He called about fifteen minutes ago, so I want to give them some time. I can wait."

"Fifteen minutes? Um, they've been in there way longer than that. I'd say they probably wanted to go over something with you. I know Squall took over marking on vantage points, so they probably just need input or a referee, depending on how it's going."

"All right." Kiros said, although he still felt uncomfortable about the intrusion. "Thank you."

"No prob. I was just headin' off to make more coffee; I think I've already gone through half a pot in the van…if you couldn't tell. It's a little late I know, but I blame the habit on Rin's unnatural caffeine addiction. And, um, please don't tell her I said that – she's still in denial and all, plus I'd rather have her speaking to me rather than using a silence spell on me. I can bring you a cup if you'd like…call it a peace offering or a bribe – whichever."

"Sure, I'll gladly take some. It seems like a long night ahead. Also, your secret is safe with me. It would be rather inconvenient to be Silenced, especially tomorrow."

A few seconds later, Kiros found himself standing outside the office door. He mentally debated, but now wasn't the time to question orders. In essence, that's what Laguna's request had been, although by technicality alone. The President's mood when he called had seemed…different. Then again, if he and Squall had come to some sort of understanding, the elevated mood made more sense.

He knocked softly and was surprised when a second later, Laguna opened the door. "Get in, hurry," the President nearly barked before grabbing him by the arm and dragging him inside, before closing the door tightly behind him.

"Did anyone see you?"

"Um, Zell…security downstairs? I didn't know this was something that required being stealth."

"Zell?" Laguna said nervously, "Did he say anything?"

"Well he said 'Yo' and talked about go-fish? Also mentioned coffee …"

"Coffee…oh no, that can't be good."

"I really, don't understand? He seemed a little caffeinated, but at this point, I'd say the same about the way you're acting. I'm not sure what you're getting at…"

"Neither am I," Squall said with only a slight hint of sarcasm, "I'm going to… leave." Being in here was only adding to the commander's stress. Laguna meant well, but there was only so much he could handle, given the situation. Still, he was surprised at how his tolerance seemed to have increased slightly, but there _were_ limits.

The aide still felt like he had walked into the middle of movie and hadn't the slightest clue of what was happening on the screen. It seemed like Zell had been right about one thing, there weren't any weapons drawn so it most likely meant they had a chance to talk at least somewhat amicably.

Kiros had hoped this day would come, but he had always harbored doubts, although he would never tell his friend that. Maybe this was really the chance they all needed. He watched as Squall picked up something off of Laguna's desk, although it was something he couldn't quite see.

Whatever it was, the commander carefully placed it in his shirt pocket. As he walked by the two men, Squall acknowledged them as he opened the door. Looking back, he said, "From that moment you never looked back, and neither will I."

And as he walked out of the office, he didn't regret this decision. Maybe nobody would ever understand, but that was that's all right. It wasn't for them to understand. He figured it out, maybe just a little late, but thankfully not too late. The first time he said it was at Irvine and Selphie's wedding. It was so clear, just like it is now.

And after his son left, Laguna had to stand there and accept everything that happened as reality. There were no apologies or excuses of their past, only words about his past with Raine. He had been waiting for years to talk to his son, to explain his side of the story. He would never beg forgiveness, but he would accept a future if Squall would be willing. He had spent nights alone finding just the right words and then just as quickly dismissing them.

But today, he realized one thing – there really were no words. No amount of guilt would change the past. There really were no magic words to erase blame. To even bring it up would have ebbed any progress made. In the end, relationship between them would never be rooted in the past; it could only be cultivated in the future.

* * *

She had always liked this city. It was hard to explain, but even with its sometimes eclectic and rather eccentric personality, there was an undefined magic. It was quite the contrast to the city life she had grown up in; the entire demeanor of the country was less hustle-and-bustle and more relaxed. Of course, she tried to forget this was also the place that wanted her sealed as a sorceress, but it seemed everyone had gained understanding throughout the years - even Esthar.

She sat on the balcony, legs propped up as she sipped a mug of coffee Zell had brought her just moments before. In fact, when she heard the sliding door, she had thought he had forgotten something. Looking at an aircraft darted across the sky, she smiled into her mug.

"For the last time, I'm not playing strip Triple Triad. Who even thinks of these things and what would your girlfriend think?"

There was a strange pause.

"Please don't make me answer that."

She whipped her body around in shock, again forgetting about the hot coffee in her hand. She winced as her mind mentally registered the incoming pain, but this time there wasn't any. Unlike the van, Squall had moved behind her quick enough to grab the coffee from her hands. His quick reflexes apparently worked on coffee mugs as well as in battle.

"You're getting more predictable," he calmly stated, setting the mug on a small table.

"I-you…?" she stammered, starting to stand up. He put a hand out to stop her, kneeling beside her.

"I know. It's fine. Honestly. There's no way to get a clear shot, we're in one of the highest buildings as long as I stay low…plus it's been tested and secured."

"What?"

"Never mind." He shook his head, with a hint of a smile. "Just trust me on this one, we're fine."

"If you say so…" Sighing heavily, she reached her hand, placing it on his leg. She knew better than to ask about his time with Laguna. If he wanted to talk, he would. The one subject that she knew was safe to ask was about the mission. "So, is everything in place? I mean for tomorrow, Leonhart?"

He found himself amused at her comment, but not for the reason she would have believed.

She suddenly felt uncomfortable as he was staring at her. It was one of those times that she was completely clueless as to what was going on in his head. Not that she ever knew, but honestly, this time she was beyond clueless.

"What?" she finally asked when he hadn't spoken. At that point, she started to feel self-consciousness. She had changed into tan shorts and a magenta t-shirt, her hair tied into a loose braid. She did a quick check to make sure she didn't have a huge ink spot on her or something. She had learned that lesson well during her pre-teen years; biting the ends of pens had its grave consequences.

She laughed nervously, "You're thinking of me as one of Zell's zombies, aren't you?"

"_Not even close,"_ he thought, but opted to remain silent.

Standing up, he offered his hand to help her up. Rinoa's fingers nervously tightened around his and he could sense her unease; it didn't take a knight to understand.

"Squall…you're worrying me. Is everything all right?" She sounded hoarse, barely able to voice the words.

Leading her closer to the rail, she felt slightly nervous about their location, but worrying about Squall's actions seemed to weigh more heavily on her mind. Her eyes darted between the skyline and him. "…Are you sure?"

"Yes. There are only a few vantages points, and they're currently secure. So no more worrying about that, okay?"

"I-um," she began, but he placed a finger up to her mouth silencing her.

"Shhh, it's fine." He paused, fidgeting slightly. "Rinoa, we need to talk."

To that, she didn't answer. Those certainly weren't the words she wanted to hear – or anyone ever wanted to hear. It was so damned clichéd that even Squall would have to know the traditional meaning behind them. He had even said the words so directly, so sure of himself. Had she had the ability to do so, she probably would have shot back with a sarcastic, _"It's not me, it's you"_ but honestly, she was so dumbstruck that no words would ever suffice.

She couldn't imagine he would bring her this far only to mess with her feelings. Her heart believed in him right now, but it was just her brain that was apparently having its fair share of doubts. Rinoa's fingers tried to keep holding onto his, but he had already pried himself free. Her only recourse was to grasp the railing; something that she had found through experience was a hell of a lot less comforting than his touch.

At that point, she automatically started to shield herself for the worst, although her heart still refused to yield. It might have been misplaced faith, but she still believed in him – in their future. She didn't know whether it would be a curse or a blessing when he finally spoke.

"Rinoa, I don't give a damn about anything else… but I'm asking you, would it be all right for me to take this back?"

That too had caught her off guard, as she had no idea what he was talking about. Tilting her head, she looked up at him without words. The look in her eyes was the only question needed. The moment he pulled the velvet box out of his pants' pocket, the question answered with deafening silence. In that second, the illusion she had allowed herself to create had been ultimately shattered. It wasn't going to go away. It never was. There would be no more hiding, no more turning back. After this, she'd know the truth of the past – even if the truth was painful to face.

As Squall held the box in his hand, he knew the person who bought it hadn't done so for the right reasons – he only hoped that one day she could see that as clearly as he did now. Moreover, that she could understand and forgive him – it had taken himself this long to do that for himself.

Rinoa hadn't answered, believing it was a rhetorical question, plus, speaking right now would have truly been a small miracle. A little more firmly, he asked again, holding the box so she could see it. "Rinoa, may I have this back?"

To her, it was never about material possessions or money, or even the ring in his hands, she never wanted anything – but him. He could have anything he wanted back, as long he still wanted her in his life. Still unable to speak, she nodded her reply.

"Thank you," Squall mouthed silently.

He smiled softly, opening the velvet container. For the final time, he removed the ring and held it in his hand. An object that been such a cause of regret, suddenly had new meaning.

"I'm finally doing this." Although Squall had said it out loud, the words were meant as assurance for himself. Rinoa knew he was inwardly nervous, but it was equaled with an unexpected air of confidence.

Rinoa remained speechless, but for a completely different reason than before. This was the moment of adolescent dreams; it was all so fast, so unexpected, but oh so beautiful. A week ago, this moment was nothing more than an impossible dream. Somehow, fate had led him to the ring, led him to this moment, and most of all, led him back to her.

Since he had removed it, his attention had been on the ring; his focus on everything it had represented over the years – every hope, every dream, and every damning failure.

His calloused fingers were a stark contrast to the perfectly smooth band. It truly was the finest that money could buy, and by all physical standards it was perfect. He wanted to permanently embed this entire night, if only symbolically, to replace the memory of years ago. There was no rooftop candle-lit dinner, or rose petals strewn in a grand romantic gesture. Yet, even without that, his actions were sure - a stark contrast to three years ago.

He finally looked at her and as their eyes met, she offered a smile. He took one of her hands in his, intertwining their fingers, and returned her gesture just as effortlessly.

At then he did it, the one thing he had been able to in three years… His smile had never been so genuine, no pretense or thought. With his free hand, he held onto the ring one last time. Without doubt, he did the one thing that felt right. In one smooth motion he did it, he finally did it…

With all his might, he threw that damn ring over the balcony railing…

_ **   
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* * *

_ **Chapter Seventy: Future Tense ** _

* * *

_ **   
** _

Rinoa always said that Squall did have a way of surprising her. Whether for good or bad, the knight did have a gift for leaving for her speechless. And, in that department, he had truly outdone himself this time.

…She was totally, completely, and utterly without words.

In her confused state, she had gone through a condensed version of the stages of grief, although she remained far from the last - acceptance. No matter how hard she tried, she would never understand the inner-workings of his mind.

Tears brushed her eyelashes, but she refused to show emotion. The last thing she wanted him to see was that he still could affect her so deeply. Damn him.

Still, she fought within herself, knowing that she shouldn't be upset. He had every right. The ring was technically never given to her, save for actions of the will and Garden's deceit. Even if it was originally meant for her, she had only obtained it during the course of unforeseen events. And to top that off, he had gone through the courtesy of asking for it back. It wasn't hers by any means and _maybe_ if he could put this behind him, she could follow.

Then again, if in Squall's mind 'not wanting to talk about something' now equated with 'literally tossing it over a balcony,' their future may have hit a _small_ snag in the communication department.

Truthfully, her thoughts about the ring might have been a little selfish, but it was hard to separate herself from the emotional pull. Again, she needed to remind herself to try to look at the situation objectively. Up until now, she too had purposely avoided the topic just as much as he had, but had she known that the ring wasn't in a drawer back in Timber, she may have looked at this from another angle. If only she had talked to Zell about the ring earlier it may have turned out differently – but _shouldn't haves_ and _couldn't haves_ were all irrelevant now.

She had no idea what she was possibly thinking while he was holding that ring; she now felt foolish – which is most likely where some of her original feelings stemmed from. For one brief, fleeting moment she thought…well, she thought the impossible.

Rinoa had to remember that her childhood fantasies weren't broken with him, they weren't. They were broken because life just isn't that way no matter how hard you may wish it to be. It just isn't. He wasn't the picture-perfect prince of storybooks, but he was real. He had faults and made mistakes, just as she had. Fairytales no longer mattered to her – only he did.

Her thoughts were interrupted as he edged her closer to him. The fact that they had been still holding hands had momentarily been lost. His touch was something that she had never taken for granted before and it bothered her that she had lost sight of it now. At that point, he let her fingers drop and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. There was something in the way he held her, so free and relaxed. Again, the sorceress held back tears that she refused to shed. And the moment he smiled down at her, Rinoa felt a sting throughout her entire body.

It was bittersweet.

There were only a few times that she could remember Squall Leonhart seeming so unencumbered. Somehow, the fact that it came at the expense of something that once stood as representation for their future was hard to overlook.

His voice was soft and tender - a stark contrast to the perceptions most people had believed of this man. "Thank you."

…With those simple words, her anger was disarmed.

Rinoa knew she could move beyond this, but it didn't stop the momentary shock. It was only a ring – plain and simple. He had meant so much more than any material object. After what it took them to get this point, to this balcony, neither platinum nor diamonds would ever compare in worth. Although, she had no idea why he had chosen those specific words, all she had done was give back something that was rightfully his. There was no need to thank in for doing what was right.

Closing the remaining space between them, he held her tightly. Tenderly, he placed a few kisses on her head. Whatever resistance she offered at first dissipated as he felt her relax against his chest. He knew that she wouldn't ask - whether it was from shock, fear, or confusion, he knew her well enough - she would let him have whatever time he needed. And holding her here, under this moon, knowing everything he did – past, present, and hopefully future, he knew that he would never look back after tonight.

As for that expensive piece of jewelry that he had so willing hurled over the edge – he had never felt more liberated than in that moment. He didn't care where it landed. It could have been in the President's gardens, in the small pond, the grass, or in the fountain. It simply wasn't important; it was gone _to him_ and that's what mattered. And for the first time since he could recall, he felt free. The tethers to the past would always be there, as they would never fully break, but today they seemed a lot less binding.

Although he could have stood there all evening, just holding her, the future he intended was a little more vibrant. Squall had taken that first step and now he just needed to continue taking the journey… He also probably had a _tad_ bit of explaining to do. Even if Rinoa thought she'd be satisfied like this, he knew that communication tended to be their downfall.

Right now, tonight, there would be no more running from fear, no more hiding behind walls, even if that meant hiding from themselves. Squall knew that their life started the minute that engagement ring hit the ground, now he just wanted her to understand that too. Closing his eyes, he took in the moment for few, last precious seconds. It would change after this and, no matter the outcome, there would be no looking back – hell or high-water, tonight would be what it was fated to be.

Clearing his throat, the knight stepped away, putting slight distance between them. It was no great effort to keep both of his hands linked with hers; their physical contact was one of the things that had felt completely natural at the minute. In her touch, he could feel the baggage they both had carried.

In her eyes, he couldn't hide and, god help him, he didn't want to.

Squall's head motioned towards the balcony, but his wooden expression was the bigger mystery.

"…So, Rinoa, um…about _that_."

At this point, he broke into an uncharacteristic, wry smile. For an instant, Rinoa thought that maybe her boyfriend had somehow managed to channel Zell, although that thought in and of itself was extremely unsettling. Given the events that had just preceded it, nothing really seemed like a stretch - even Zone's Zombies may have had some credence.

"All right…" she prodded carefully, making sure to maintain boundaries.

"I'm guessing, by now, you gathered that I bought you an engagement ring. Cat's kind of out of the bag on that one."

He continued his awkward smile, but she could clearly feel the nervousness and she wanted to wince again, although she fought against the urge. The whole 'cat out of the bag' thing also sounded more like Selphie, and then all she could think was, _"Why the hell am I thinking about everyone else right now?"_ As she mentally posed the question, demanding for herself to answer, she already knew the answer.

Distraction, plain and simple.

It was the byproduct of her nerves, which equally rivaled his and as much as she tried to convince herself that it didn't hurt, there was a small part that felt otherwise.

And maybe he could sense her discomfort, or tell that she was distracted, or maybe he just knew that he had momentarily fallen into old habits and was stalling, but whatever it was – it wasn't doing either of them any good. After giving her hands a small squeeze, he released them from his own. His smile was replaced with a look that was more his own. Turning, he leaned his back against the balcony railing. Rinoa bit back her hesitancy of that act; the whole 'out in the open' thing was slightly hard to overlook from her end, but he seemed confident enough.

Again, he could read her like an open book and wanted to offer reassurance. "It's safe. I'll explain in a minute, but for now, just trust me on this."

He didn't know if she was convinced, but he would answer all her questions later. He needed to talk about the more pressing issue in his mind.

"Rinoa, you need to know the truth – good and bad, all of it. The fact is - throwing that damn ring over that railing and out of my life feels… _amazing_. I wish I could come up with a word that wouldn't come across as a little selfish, but_ '_amazing' is the only thing that seems to fit. What you need to know is that every time I saw that fucking thing in its box, it was… I can't describe it. Let's just say I'd rather take go through having another dozen bullets in my lung than to go feel that again. That ring was a constant reminder of what _could _have been, not necessarily what should have been."

How does one respond?

The answer to that question was the only thought going through Rinoa Heartilly's mind. It was one thing when Squall's feelings had been mere speculation on her part, but once he had openly proclaimed he had been 'thrilled' or 'amazed' - or however the hell he wanted to say it - about throwing the ring, it felt like her world had imploded for second time. By all outward accounts, Squall seemed so positive and… so damn _free._

For every action with Squall, Rinoa faced an emotional counter-reaction – positive or negative, it had almost become a given. She quickly found herself fighting an internal battle as her pride felt like it had been scarred once again.

Folding her arms, Rinoa fought against the helplessness from the past. If this had happened years ago, she couldn't say how she would react – spiteful words, throwing herself around him, or, worse yet, maybe even talk - _plead_ \- with him into changing his mind. Possibly even going as far as asking for him to go down and look for the ring or offering to do it herself. Whatever it took.

That _Rinoa_ would try to bargain, never understanding the lasting effects. Guilt might have worked in the short term, but long term… it would have backfired. In fact, history proved it _had_ backfired.

No, she wasn't always like that. Even back then, she could be level-headed and often was, but somehow being around Squall often skewed her outlook. It could have been her age, or the fact she hadn't come to terms with her own insecurities; it could have even been emotions stemmed from a bond between sorceress and knight that neither had taken the time to fully explore the minute complexities. Back then, she could make the best of plans, with time-consuming preparation. In contrast, she could also randomly try to put jewelry on a sorceress, one who was hell-bent on dominating time, on a whim.

Standing there, she found it hard to look at him. Not yet. Rinoa purposely turned so her back was angled towards him, her eyes temporarily finding interest in an aircraft as it landed at the edge of town. It was a cover, they both knew it. And as her eyes followed the light's streak, she inwardly realized that some small part of her _still_ wanted to yell, or reason, or even go downstairs and look for the ring – but she wouldn't. She would always retain parts of her younger self, just as he would do the same. Those were parts of who they were - not as a couple but as humans, and those thoughts were nothing more than momentary lapses.

She had to remind herself of her earlier 'bargaining' phase. He was more important than anything material object. With the maturity of years, she knew this time they both had to be sure in this relationship – without begging, raising her voice, or any accusation, she wanted to give them both an out. As painful as it was, she loved him enough to not to live a life of regret.

"Squall, I'll be honest, I don't exactly understand what just happened. If the ring was always just a painful reminder of what we could have been, how do you know that we're any different now? Maybe… we just shouldn't be."

"We _should _be."

As he said the words, both simple and to the point, he stepped off the rail and moved behind. Rinoa's posture straightened as she felt his presence in back of her. She found that her weight was equally supported between her hands on the railing and his arms wrapped around her. She wanted to object or at least put up a small protest, but that thought, like a shooting star, became a fleeting memory. Relaxing her head against his chest, she had already given in. She couldn't see his eyes but, in that moment, she could feel the same sensation as earlier – he was both positive and free and this time, it wasn't about throwing a ring.

"Rin, as I said earlier, you deserve the truth. Just bear with me… please. It's kind of difficult to put everything in words." He paused as he placed a reassuring kiss on the top of her head. She always loved the way it tickled her hair as it mixed with his warm breath.

"The truth is that three years ago, I walked into a jewelry store to buy an engagement ring. I'd finally managed to free up some time in my schedule to make the drive to Balamb – at least that's what I kept thinking, yet somehow, I always found the time to go to the training center. I'd found a way to categorize priorities, not always by need, but honestly by want. I'd never miss a chance to challenge Zell or Irvine, but I'd find a way to miss dinner with you. I could convince myself all I wanted that I was 'training' to make myself a better knight, but I think we can safely say we both saw though that façade after awhile. I respect you too much to even try to defend myself in that regard. The problem was - while I had forced myself to make the trip to Balamb, and _forced_ is pretty much what it came to down to – I could list a thousand reasons why making that trip was for the best…. Honestly, not one of them was the right one."

Her body filled with tension, it was not a conscious decision but rather the stress which had built up naturally. She had tried to let the words roll off of her, but reliving their past, so candidly at that, was still hard to hear, no matter how true it may have been. Again, it was one of those things she always knew deep inside, but hearing it flat-out in the open brought the pain to fruition. She had to keep reminding herself not to take his words to heart; even though people ask for the truth all the time, in reality, very few actually want it. She knew the difference and, in a way, she had him to thank for that too.

As her hands remained firmly holding the rails, his fingers traced their way up and down her arms – ever-so-slowly she had started to relax.

"So… what was the right one?" she asked, voice wavering. It would be hard to hear the truth, but she also knew that the only way to understand the situation, was to understand his reasoning.

"Well…" Squall slowly stated, hesitating a little, "I'll get there, promise… it's a little bit down the road."

Nothing was going to dissuade him from this path. This next part was going to be the most difficult, but there was no other way than to be blunt. "Rinoa, even though I couldn't give the one reason at the time… I did have answers for other questions. I'm not proud, but you need to know. Did I buy the ring because I wanted to be engaged? No. Did I want to be married? No, I really didn't. Was I happy? _Sometimes._ My growing frustrations didn't always have to do with you but, somehow, a lot of my resentment always ended up circling back that direction."

He paused when she remained deathly quiet. He didn't know what he expected from her so he took her silence as his cue to continue. "I mean, I could have asked myself the same things about work – did I want to stay at Garden, did I want to remain a SeeD? I guess I wanted to stay, because I didn't know else what to do. It was the only thing I'd ever known. SeeD itself was fine, but hell, I knew I didn't want to be the Garden's Commander. I just wanted to be a normal SeeD, do normal missions, and not spend hours drowning in paperwork. Nothing about what happened after the graduation ball was 'normal' by any means, even meeting you. Since I graduated, I slowly was losing myself and I felt I'd lost control over my own life. The longer my doubts festered, the longer the fears would compound. I honestly don't think I even wanted friends, not because I was too independent, but because I found myself being annoyed with them and suffocated between them, you, being a knight, and work. Then it hit me, did I even want a girlfriend? No, not really… not like I thought I was supposed to."

That hurt. In his own way, he might have been trying to sugarcoat it, but even with his bluntness, there were certain things she didn't think she would ever hear. That was among them. Then every doubt she ever had hit her with force. What if her own view of their relationship had been so distorted that she couldn't separate fact from fiction? What if he had never cared or, worse yet, never…

"Before you over-think this, my feelings for you were very real. You told me before you never, ever doubted that, please don't start now."

Again, the knight was met with initial resistance, but he made her turn around and look at him this time. She always said she could read so much written in his eyes, and while he never quite understood her reasoning, he would put his faith that it still held true.

"Rinoa, being with you was a contradiction. I didn't want to deal with all those responsibilities that were part of being in a relationship but, at the same time, I was terrified of losing you. So, somehow, I thought that if I just did what was 'expected of me' it would work itself out – commander, knight, and then husband. And yes, I get that this sounds fucking ridiculous to possibly think of asking you when I wasn't even sure that I could handle a girlfriend, and knowing deep down inside that I definitely wasn't ready for a wife… It just felt that I had very little choice over the last two years, and, for the most part, those decisions had worked out for the best for everybody else. In my mind, I was trying to convince myself that maybe marrying you would work out too. It was what I was 'destined' to do according to most of the press and even our friends. Everybody seemed to write it off as a foregone conclusion, that I thought…maybe."

As he placed his hands on her shoulders, he had intended to look her in the eyes for the next part but, instead, found himself looking towards the sky. If his earlier thoughts about his mother had been right, its illumination would carry him through. To his surprise, he felt Rinoa's fingers softly cradling his hands. He knew it was her way of saying she understood. She never stopped loving him and not for once, did he ever stop loving her.

"So, I bought the ring and planned the evening… I just didn't tell anybody. If I had, it would have just added pressure… I figured it had to be some grand gesture or something, again, I didn't understand at the time, but I think I was just trying to cover my doubts with rose petals. I had the ring right there in my pocket and-"

"Oh my god, the roof? That was…"

"Yeah, your _supposed-to-be_ engagement dinner." He had to let out a short, cynical laugh as he finally looked away from the moon. "Even worse, I probably just took one of the few positive memories of us at Garden and gave it whole new meaning. Knowing the truth, your perception of that night will never be the same. Before now, if I'd ask you to think back to that night, you'd most likely think of something positive…maybe thinking it was spontaneous or a beautiful night. Now, when you think back to that night…it won't be the same. It _can't_ be the same. You'll start to second-guess everything, wondering if you missed any signs or clues. When you think of it from here on out, romance will never be the first thing on your mind. It will always be the _could have_ beens.

"Rinoa, perception changes…and as I said earlier I think our minds try to categorize everything - to find that _one thing_ that would have been the key… that _one thing_ that would have made everything turn out right, but the problem was that there never was one thing. The ring had only served as catalyst to the problems, not the root. You asking me not to go to Esthar soon after…well, it came across in my mind as you asking me not to do my job - to pick you over work. I get now that you knew something was up, that things were building, but I doubt that you even realized it at the time. You just knew something was wrong. So from there…well, you know where it went. It was easy to blame it on you at the time. I know why you left and I thank you for caring every day. I just…would come to see what I lost over time and the problem was I purposely kept that physical object to remind me – that's what that engagement ring became to me. It wasn't just my failures with our relationship; it came to symbolize my failures within every aspect of my life."

Rinoa would have loved to do nothing more than to tell him he was wrong and that night would always remain beautiful in her memories but, unfortunately, he wasn't wrong. Far from it. To a certain extent, that rooftop would always hold a place in her heart, but she could never look back on those years with blithe optimism either. Truthfully, it had taken that long for her perception to change after she left Garden, now her perception had not only changed once, but twice.

Before tonight, she had always remembered the roses.

That night, there _were_ petals scattered with the soft scent of roses in the air. But, since their break up, that smell remained one of the most pungent odors in her mind; one that that would always be linked with memories of _him_. From the petals on the rooftop, to the woman selling freshly-cut roses at the train stations, and even to the bouquet she held at Selphie and Irvine's wedding - she could always smell those flowers. A few weeks ago, if you would have asked her about that night on the roof, it wouldn't have been the romance or even his spontaneity that had stood out the most – it would have been the unbearable smell of roses. Even, if in reality, if it had only been faint smell that drifted in and out with the breeze, her mind and turned the scent into something so much more powerful over time.

…And just like that, she understood.

Every time Rinoa saw or smelled a rose, she equated it with the caustic events surrounding their breakup. Whether right or wrong, her mind had made the correlation and no amount of logic or reasoning would change her feelings. It might have been a little illogical and maybe a little misguided but, over the last three years, her irrational dislike had become ingrained into her everyday life. She loved flowers, but avoided roses and anything related - smells, lotions, and shampoos. She had even given away flowers received on her birthday. She'd smile, say thank you, but the memories always started to get to her and having them around would take their mental toll on her.

The problem was that the damage was already done. Even if their relationship worked out from here on out, she didn't know if her distain for roses would ever completely fade. In general, she probably would look at the flowers with a changed perspective, but there would always be that small bit of doubt whispering in her ear.

…And these were the thoughts that would lead her to understand.

Rinoa could empathize with Squall; to a point of wishing that it was within her power to share the burden. The countless tribulations that ring had caused him over the years would remain immeasurable. And the worst part was that he had willing allowed some of this to happen. He had kept the ring and forced himself to remember; she gave away the roses and tried to forget. In a way, she knew his actions were for her – not the ring, but trying to make himself a better person and not let mistakes of the past repeat themselves.

If Rinoa had figured this out before tonight, she would have gladly thrown the ring over the edge for him. But, in the end, it might not have mattered – it was the action itself that freed him, not the end result.

Asking for it back was a formality, throwing it over the edge was the true victory.

"Squall, for the first time in three years, that ring is _exactly_ where it belongs."

"I know." There was no doubt or hesitation, his voice remained as positive as he was.

Whatever epiphany she just had, he was thankful for. He wouldn't ask, but she honestly seemed to be at peace. Taking his hands, Squall placed his palms on either side of her cheeks. Massaging her jaw bone with his thumbs, he could feel the bond growing between them. The physical contrast of their skin was as different as their personalities, soft and smooth – silken but strong-willed, coarse and jagged – broken to some. Tenderly, he traced his way up and down her neck, before pulling her into an antagonizing slow kiss.

With every heartbeat, their kiss deepened - with every breath, passed a moment of understanding.

From the day that Rinoa found the ring in Squall's nightstand, to the moment it sped through the air, this was the first time it was no longer standing between them. Squall had decided that in some very roundabout way, the diamond and platinum ring had served its purpose, although not technically the one its designer crafted it for – it had solidified a relationship.

He broke the kiss and gently rested their foreheads against one another. As their heartbeats slowed, and they caught their breath, his fingers twisted around longer strands of hair that had fallen from her braid. When he smiled in the shadows of the moonlight, it took her back to another time as his look reminded her of a time back in Garden, back after Ultimecia. It was back when he desperately wanted _and tried_ to be free, to define his own path.

But that was then… and even though he had always been more mature than his years would suggest, she always loved him for who he was, not on what he could accomplish. Back then, she loved the teenager and, at that moment, she knew she was very much in love with the man he had become.

"So, I guess wishing on something does sometimes work. Thank you for understanding."

"What you mean you made a wish when you threw it? Is that a thing that I somehow missed in my childhood? I guess they really do things differently in Balamb."

He shrugged. He really hadn't made a wish as much as it was promise. "I was playing it by ear. I'm not sure if it's a 'thing,' but I guess we can make it one. Shooting stars, tossing coins into fountains, and throwing engagement rings over balconies in Esthar - are hereby officially the best way to make wishes."

"I'm on board. Hey, traditions have to start somewhere…but let's face it. This one is the_ worst tradition ever_, but who wants to start a traditional tradition anyway?" She let out a small giggle.

"On my end, this may be a one-time deal, at least for the moment," he said with a hint of amusement. "Since I'm currently kind of broke, I'll have to stick with tossing single pieces of Gil into fountains or hope for shooting stars for now. It's a lot cheaper to make wishes that way."

She had to softly laugh. "You know, that's the first time we've been able to talk about the whole will thing, well, at all. Plus, I don't think you're going to be poor for long - the money's all yours." She looked at him, smiling curiously. "Did you really make a wish when you threw it? Is that a thing?"

"Guess that's for me to know."

"You just like to keep me guessing, don't you? So, does this mean I can have the honor of throwing the box away? I'll go and mix it up a little since the whole balcony thing has been done, perfectly I may add, already. I'm thinking _trash compactor_. It will be a mangled-mess of a velvety carcass."

Her enthusiasm wasn't lost on Squall. "Your desire to annihilate it is sounding a little Selphie-esque, but I'll be there. I never try to miss a good box-crushing party. Plus, someone will need to fix the trash compactor."

She laughed. "This is why this relationship is going to work."

Squall nodded in agreement as her laughter subsided, but when faced with the silence, he subconsciously started to scratch the back of his neck. It was tell-tale sign, but his body had reacted before his mind likely could read that; it was usually a sign of nervousness or frustration, just like running his hand through his hair. They were going off-track, but it was honestly their night, so he had to remind himself there was actually no track to follow. Not to mention he loved hearing her laugh; it was one of those things he took for granted, or even had found himself irritated with it in the past. He honestly had tried to forget how easy it was to both smile and laugh around her. He hadn't done that much over the last few years.

He wouldn't say he was nervous yet, but he definitely wouldn't argue against uncomfortable.

"Rinoa, I promised to answer your earlier question…"

"Which one? You mean about you can be out here and not be a nervous wreck with a sharpshooting-murderer on the loose?"

She hated to admit it, but she had asked a lot of questions – or at least thought them. She often bottled them up to ask him later, finding that if she asked too much, he had a tendency to shut down. For someone who said they would let things happen at a natural pace, she did have a way of nudging them along without even realizing it.

That wasn't the one he was going for, but he knew it was upsetting her and rightfully so. It was best to set her mind at ease. "If it's still bothering you… I'll let you in a little secret. Turns out my father is the President of Esthar."

She narrowed her eyes, wondering if he had been setting her up. The only thing holding her back was the fact that he had referred to Laguna as 'his father' without any animosity in his voice.

His comment did have a reason behind it however — he just hadn't gotten to that. Again, that might have been playful calculation on his part, especially given his thin-lipped smile.

Carefully, he grabbed her shoulders and turned her back around so that she was now looking out over the city's skyline. "Anyways, as Esthar's President, he had the foresight to hire his own staff, and apparently very competent staff at that. It seems that Kiros is as meticulous as I am, if not more so and there are actually security protocols in place. Because of how high we are, there are only three possible spots that would have the line of sight to this balcony. Kind of along the lines of how I was marking vantage points for tomorrow's layout. All three locations are all secure, but because of the situation, Laguna had extra guards stationed at them. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I need to start trusting in others sometime…as I've been informed countless times… plus, I really don't think he'd steer me wrong on this one."

"Now, was that so hard?" She smiled almost smugly, though he couldn't see it. And although what he just said about security helped put her mind at ease, what he said about Laguna was far more valuable.

"Just trying to remain mysterious, I have this persona to keep up and all. Speaking of which, I heard a rumor about you. Care to explain?"

That made her turn back around. "What? Who?" She had no idea what he was talking about, but one could only guess what Zell would have said. Not that she really had anything to hide, but it still made her wonder.

"Well, that got your attention, didn't it?" He kept a straight face, his tone equally as neutral. "I found out from some 'reliable' sources you like hockey."

"Wait?" Well, that completely caught her off-guard. "Are you serious?"

"Very."

It was becoming apparent to him that his early confidence was beginning to wane as he could feel himself fumbling with his thoughts. He just hoped he was able to mask it from her.

"I do… but um…why does that matter?" She looked at him with genuine curiosity. Of all the times and places to talk about sports, this _really _didn't seem like it.

This was the first time since he could recall that his gunshot wound was bothering him in the slightest, although he had pretty much thrown out the doctor's 'no strenuous activity' rule. When his heart was racing before, his mind and body was slightly more preoccupied. Now that he was just standing there, it was hard not to notice; he tried to ignore the light throbbing in his chest and found himself awkwardly shifting his weight. Ignoring his nerves, he focused on the moment.

"Rinoa… I'm sorry, I didn't know you liked hockey."

"It's… okay?" She honestly had no idea where this was going.

"No, it's not. It's that…" He paused, calling on all his training to remain unfazed. "Earlier today, when I used cream in my coffee, you were surprised. Of course you would be - that's just something I started over the last year. I didn't get why it bothered you, but when I found out that you liked hockey… I understood. Hearing it from both Zell and Laguna no less was a bit of a wake-up call. You didn't know something about me you couldn't have, and I didn't know something about you I _should_ have."

In response, she shrugged. "Couldn't have and shouldn't haves don't matter again – I'm sure there are tons of things we'll learn as we go along. I guess hockey to me is a fun hobby or habit or whatever you want to call - it not that big a deal. I never figured our relationship hinged on my liking a sports team, plus I kinda figured you wouldn't be interested anyhow. It' just a carryover from my days in Deling. You know, when things in life seemed as simple as getting a puck into a goal. Or well, the_ concept_ of getting a puck into a goal – because that can be a little tricky. Learning all those technical rules and regulations seems more up your alley as hobby though."

She tried to laugh, playing it off. She felt bad because he seemed generally upset by this and while she liked hockey, it certainly didn't define her in the least.

"Squall, I'll make you a deal – if you don't expect me to put cream in my coffee, I won't expect you to like hockey."

It was time to answer Laguna's earlier question about what would he do differently now. He knew the answer and, more importantly, he was saying it to the person it mattered to.

"That's the thing… I don't know if I'd be interested, but I'd be willing to give it a shot. I'm still not big on parties or public gatherings but, if you want to invite a few people over, I'll be there for you. I may like it, I may not… obviously I can't pretend to like something I don't, but if you're willing to explain it to me, I'll be willing to listen."

She smiled brightly. She wouldn't put him through weekly games, but maybe one game for a playoff. She knew she had to give him the past "Garden" experience as everybody should have Selphie's themed blue and green colored beef tenderloin Hors d'oeuvres at least once.

Before she could answer, he seemed to read her mind. "Oh god, you're planning on inviting Selphie, Irvine, and Zell…aren't you? I guess I asked for that."

"Well, _you did_, but I won't put you through that…yet. Let's see how it goes and let the chips fall where they may. And in this case, the 'chips' would be covered in Selphie's Trabian Blazers purple dipping sauce."

"…Really?"

"Sadly, yes… she likes her food coloring. But if you don't look and just eat, you'll get through it just fine." She reached her right hand up, placing it on his cheek. "And Squall, I would never expect you to pretend to like something for me, but you giving it a shot means the world. I don't want you to be anybody but you."

…And then it suddenly became easy for him. His wound didn't bother him, his nerves were all but gone and, in this moment, everything felt like it should. No doubts.

"Kiss me."

Rinoa didn't have time to register, or respond, it wasn't so much a command as a statement on his part. She felt him reach out and take the hand resting against his cheek. As he moved it down beside them, he interlocked their fingers. Her other hand had been left free, so she reached up to his shoulder, trying to pull him closer; he seemed resistant as she noticed he had left a distance between them. She could tell his other hand was moving, but under the circumstances, she wasn't sure where. It only took him a few seconds of this awkward position before he finally moved in, closing the gap. It wasn't like she was paying attention to it as it was just an odd feeling, but whatever his hang up was, it seemed to be over.

At that point, she finally felt his other arm wrap around her waist until it was placed firmly on her back. His hand didn't remain idle long as he steadily traced a trail from the small of her back upwards. She could feel his fingers as they brushed by her neck and clavicle as he continued to determine his own path. Slowly, she could feel the bottom of his palm press into her skin as he worked his way from her shoulder, her arm, and finally ending at her wrist. From there, he grasped the hand that had been around his shoulder, moving it so it was straight down between them. His actions had been strong and although it was not forceful, it definitely stood out.

As confident and sure as his movements had been, his kiss had deepened, matching his intensity - Rinoa found herself falling into this trance. No matter how many times they kissed, she could feel both a nervousness and comfort that was beyond any words. He still had that effect after all these years - every kiss, every touch, every time she looked in his eyes…she would always be that young girl falling in love against all odds. In the same respect, no matter what happened in their lives, he was the only one who could ever give her the comfort to be free, to be herself – mistakes and all.

It was at that moment where she could feel his right hand finally reaching hers. He slowly opened her hand, all the time never breaking from the kiss. In one final movement, he clasped their hands together. She felt something, but there was a moment of delay, mostly out of uncertainty. Pulling away, he had balled her fingers into loose fist. As she stepped back, she looked down to her hand, knowing by now that he had most definitely placed something there.

It felt like forever, but it was just a few mere seconds where she had stood there, left utterly speechless. Slowly, she turned her arm so her wrist was facing up, finally taking that last step to open her hand. There were no words in that moment, but she was positive he could hear the sound of her heart beating within her chest and, quite honestly, his too. It might not have been roses on a rooftop or some other grand gesture, but it was so much better…

He was the one to finally break the silence.

"Please don't throw this one over the balcony."

 


	25. In the Pale Moonlight and All Our Yesterdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for anyone who has stuck with me this far, I will get this done. I promise! ;)
> 
> I've been working on this story for over seven years now and it's getting closer to the end. When I'm finished, I plan on going back and edit. I know there are errors, plus formatting issues. Some of those carry-overs from ffnet that strip coding and, for some reason, have a habit of running two random words together. Plus there a few things I need to clean up in general - from small details I changed to repeated ideas/phrases. Unfortunately, when it takes seven years to write one story I tend forget what (small) ideas I had written months or even years prior. Once I can go back and read it as a whole, I'll cut some of the repeated items. I hope it doesn't distract too much from the story, so I apologize in advance. ;)
> 
> As far as upcoming chapters, the next ones are basically wrap-up of some events. I didn't know how people would react, but I've tried to address some of the problems I foresaw myself in this chapter and the next, yes, it is scary when Zell becomes the voice of reason, but I've always loved the guy. I've always believed him as someone who's very observant and often under estimated by others; his way of getting there might not be the same, but he takes his own path to get there.
> 
> From my outline from seven years ago, there was one main thing I changed. Originally, Squall was going to give Rinoa the ring he had bought, but after his conversation with Zell, I realized that ring would never be string-free and those years of doubts would never be erased. They both needed a fresh start - and that was found that in the past. So, I had Squall throw the ring over the balcony and 'start over.'

 

  


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**Chapter Seventy-One: In the Pale Moonlight**

  
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Under the light of the moon, Squall stared, etching every detail about her into his memory. He had pictured this scenario in his mind - many, many times, in fact. It kept him up at night; it plagued him in dreams. Three years ago, the idea of this had scared the hell out of him but, right now, in this moment, it just felt right. Naturally, there were a large amount of nerves at play but, overall, he felt at peace with the reality, with her, but most of all, he felt peace within himself.

It was a stark contrast to years ago on a rooftop. To reiterate a point that seemed to be a reoccurring them since he first showed up in Timber, it was the same, but different.

…And in this case, different was definitely better.

"…Is this?" Rinoa had finally managed to choke out a couple broken words.

"Yes."

"Your mother's?" Again, she barely was able to breathe the words, but he understood.

In her hand, she held the memories of the past and the endless possibilities of the future. The band was simple, not adorned with the sparkle and glamour of the previous one. Yet the beauty of this ring could outshine any diamond.

"Now it's yours." Under his breath he had added a 'hopefully' to the end but, given her level of shock, he believed that the misstep went unheard.

And it had. The sound of her heart pounding had overwhelmed all her senses. This whole night was exciting because it was unknown and even after the words he just said, she didn't want to lead herself into believing a fallacy. She had misinterpreted intentions in the past in instances where it was a combination of fault – her for assuming and him for not always being forward.

Even though she had vowed to protect herself, as the silver band rested in her palm, she wanted to believe in this so badly.

Sure, he had said he was giving it to her, but did that just mean he was 'giving to her' as a present or did it mean something more? Even if she had the ability to speak, she wouldn't have known what to say.

Yet tonight, they had crossed another bridge - she did not assume and he stepped forward, taking the lead.

"Rinoa, a few months ago at the wedding, right before the ceremony, Zell jokingly tried to talk Irvine out of going through with it. He started listing reasons why marriage was a bad idea… and somehow he had decided that it was his goal to counter every one of Irvine's reasons why it was a good idea. Most of Zell's were what you'd expect, making about as much sense as walking down the aisle with a hotdog. A few I'd consider valid points, but the others… not so much. For some reason, he thought he could turn to me for help… and I couldn't give him any. The truth is that I _could_ have easily doubled the list. It was a topic that had haunted me for years, but those were my reasons, not his… It wouldn't have been fair to base any answers off of my fears. But the thing is that it didn't matter in the end. I couldn't add to Zell's list, but I could easily add to Irvine's. You can have everything in the world working against you, but you just need that one to go through with it. Three years ago, that_ one_ reason wasn't the one that got me into that jewelry store – but it's that one reason why I'm standing here now."

Rinoa had promised before that he wouldn't see her cry, but that promise turned out to be one she didn't mind breaking. There was no way she could stand here and not let years of emotions manifest itself through wayward tears; they were not born from pain, but from the solace they both shared.

And, as before, he saw no weakness with her tears. This entire ordeal had been trying and he had often admired her silent strength throughout it. She had always been one to take risks, often choosing the harder road over the familiar one. She left her childhood home to fight, she left Timber to save the world, and she left him – so he could save himself. It was his time to finally follow her lead - by following his heart. He knew leaving Garden and moving to Timber wasn't the easy path, but it was the right one. He did not even notice when a few stray tears left his own eyes; they didn't make him weak, they made him human.

Rinoa's fingers closed around the ring as she held it tightly in her palm. One of his hands still held onto hers while the other reached up, wiping those errant tears from her eyes. His thumb gently made tiny circles, and she found herself leaning into him as he cupped her face. She tried to look at him, but it was hard to focus through watery eyes.

Her breath hitched as he leaned forward and softly kissed her tears. From her cheeks to her eye lashes, he wanted her to know exactly what she meant to him, what she had _always _meant in his life. His warm breath tickled her skin and every time his lips made contact, it became more intoxicating than any drug.

Sometimes words weren't needed, but sometimes he _needed_ them to be said. "Rinoa Heartilly, I love you."

She couldn't help the muffling sob that escaped her lips as she found herself falling against his chest. In her hand, she still held the ring, yet there was such an unexplainable need to hold him, to be close – to be lost in the moment. He said he loved her and though she had no question in her heart, he wanted her to know.

In the past, he had only said those words a scattering of times, honestly being able to count them on one hand. They were never words that came easily for him; he had guarded himself against trying to express emotion for so long. Since their first kiss in the rain when she believed him nothing more than a ghost until this very moment, he had not even said them to her. She was glad. It made this night even better. Rinoa knew how rare it was and she would never take his gift for granted.

Every turn of events led Squall back to these simple words, two words that once had weighed heavily were now spoken with ease…

"Marry me."

For him, it was as if every dream, every doubt, and every sensation that he'd ever felt had led to this one defining moment. And there they remained, tightly in each other's arms. It was reminiscent of when he had first freed her from the Sorceress Memorial but, this time she had freed him from a life where he had felt trapped - or rather, she had helped him free himself. The first steps were always up to him, he just had to be ready and willing to take them.

There was something poetic about their lives. It was about coming full circle and finding that home wasn't a physical place but, to them, it was a place shared within two hearts.

In all honesty, there were probably any number of reasons why she could have said no and nobody would have blamed her, but she just needed one to say yes. She _wanted_ to share her life with him, she _wanted_ to marry him. Everything else be dammed in this moment, this was their time and even if she tried to outwardly deny it, she never stopped loving him and she knew that he had never stopped loving her. It might not be an easy road ahead, but it was theirs to travel.

Although she remained silent, his mind was remarkably at ease. Truthfully, he didn't think it would even be possible to be this calm under the given circumstances. Still, he didn't push for an answer, choosing to simply hold her in his arms until she was ready to answer on her own.

As for Rinoa, it had taken her some time to regain her composure. Hearing him say those simple words had more impact than she would have ever imagined. It felt as if her entire life had been building to an emotional crescendo that had peaked this very night.

…And for the beauty in the journey, she wanted to soak in every last detail.

Her legs would have given way had she not found a way to anchor herself in his strength. As her hand gripped the ring tighter, she took a step back, being careful not to break the sense of security she found with him.

Rinoa had pictured this moment a million times before but, this time, reality had easily outshone any dreams.

"…Yes." Her voice cracked as she hoarsely answered with the single word. Saying it the first time was the hard part, repeating it a second time became a little easier. "Yes, Squall… very much yes."

"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" he asked with a wry smile. There was no denying every obstacle they had faced to reach this point.

She made a small sound akin to a laugh before letting him know some things in life never changed. "You're still a meanie."

"Damn straight." Again he surprised her, by pulling her into another tender kiss. The one thing they both agreed on was that they could spend the rest of their lives working towards times like these.

It was stolen moments under a moonlit night, stolen moments in the life of a dead man – and they embraced every beautiful second of it.

As they broke apart, she stepped back and looked up at him with a teasing smile. "If this is some huge ploy to avoid filling out all the paperwork to get your money back, I'm going to be so mad."

He shrugged. "Caught me."

Narrowing her eyes, she tried to emulate the motions of being angry, but was failing miserably. "For your sake, Leonhart, you'd better be kidding."

"Rinoa, I _really_ hate paperwork." He tried to deadpan the best he could. "Do you know how _many_ forms I'd have to fill out to get all my property and money back? It'd be easier to just sign the marriage license and avoid any sort of prenup."

She playfully gasped and acted hurt, placing her hand over heart. "I knew it. You're just after my recent inheritance. Next thing I know, you're going to go for legal custody of Angelo."

He couldn't help but laugh. Of all the things he ever thought they would talk about in this situation, his disdain for paperwork and parental rights of a dog were pretty much at the bottom of the list.

Trying to return to his noncommittal charade he continued, "That's the plan. I'm a meanie, remember?"

"Yes, yes you are, but I wouldn't want you any other way." She reached forward, placing her arms around his shoulders. Her gaze met his as she pressed their bodies together.

Through the good times and the bad, through the jokes and the pain, when he looked in her eyes, he always saw acceptance. It was not about understanding the situation they had found themselves in, but acceptance of him, his past, and all his faults. _Their faults_. It would never be easy or perfect, but what in their lives had been? It would be a constant battle between ghosts of the past and demons which still may surface in their future.

But it was their future and, for good or bad, they would be the ones to define it.

Speaking of their future… he had managed to get over one, _very large_, hurdle, but that wasn't the only one possible for tonight. Breaking away, he gently took her hand and led her back towards to where she had been sitting when he first walked out onto the balcony.

"Rinoa, we need to talk… again."

Her initial instinct was to shake her head, but she decided to laugh about it instead. Squall needed to stop with all the clichéd sayings. "Talk about déjà vu. Let me guess…you just want to be just friends now? I love you, but I'm not _in_ love with you? Or the most popular, _it's not you, it's me_?"

"No it's you. All you," he said, trying to keep from cracking a smile again.

She playfully tapped him on the arm, making a grunt in mock disgust. "Going for the meanie of the year, are we?"

Taking the lead, he sat down on the cushioned balcony chair. Still holding her hand, he looked up, informing her of his goal. "Be the best – it's constantly instilled into our heads at Garden. I'm just carrying the motto over to my new civilian life, be the best meanie I can be."

"Aw, the things you do for me. I'm flattered… _really."_

There was more than one chair on the patio and, by any logical account, she could have moved it next to him, but that didn't feel right. Not tonight. There was no asking, but only a small squeeze of the arm, coaxing for her to share the chair with him. She didn't protest and gladly found herself sitting into a once-familiar position. Moving her upper body to his right side, her legs rested over his lap. His right arm instinctively draped around her, coming to rest on her thigh.

He liked it; it felt like the Ragnarok, it felt like on the balcony in Dollet, it felt right.

As she snuggled closer, he felt the need to remind her. "You know, last time I mentioned I 'wanted to talk,' I think it turned out fairly well for both of us. Plus, on the linguistics side, if you need to talk to someone, what else are you supposed to say?"

"Point taken," she grumbled. "I guess I can't argue with the commander of all things logical… but I can try."

"That's the Rinoa I know, stubborn to the bitter end."

There was a part of him that had missed this good-natured bantering for so long, where he could just let himself go and not worry about others' perceptions. When she lived at Garden, exchanges like this were rare occurrences. It was a part of himself that he only shared with her. It was mainly when they had gone on weekend holidays, when he tried to separate himself from Garden – even if it the separation was only physical; mentally, SeeD always had a hold.

Over the last three years, he had discussions with his friends, but there was seldom, if any, of the good-natured teasing occurring from his end. He was always too aware, watching and choosing his words carefully. It was times like these where he understood what it was like to be completely comfortable with another.

Rinoa had finally managed to settle herself in. Leaning back, she rested her head the in crook of his neck. It wasn't until she was completely comfortable that he struck – making a move for his newest target. Even though he had extensive training in stealth, there was no lesson cited for victory in this scenario. With cat-like grace, he reached his free arm out, carefully wrapping his fingers around his goal.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing? That's my coffee!"

Unfortunately, her sixth sense about all things caffeine had kicked in, before he could even lift it from the table. But he was determined and being caught didn't stop him; he wouldn't give up on his objective that easily.

"Careful, I'm doing this with my left hand."

"Though quite an impressive feat, it really answers nothing. So, again, what exactly do you think you're doing?"

"Practicing," he said, bringing the cup to lips, "marriage is fifty-fifty… so I've heard."

"That does _not_ apply to caffeine products - it's in the fine print. Also, I've heard it's important to set boundaries."

He chuckled softly as he took a few more sips. "I'm glad I know where the line is drawn – money and property are split equally, but coffee is a deal breaker, huh?"

"Chocolate is in there too – just so we're clear."

Squall started to set the mug back on the table, but she seized the opportunity, launching her own counter-strike. Thankfully for the both of them, she managed to retrieve her coffee without any tragic accidents and as she took a few sips, her eyes glanced up at the moon. She realized that in this moment, life was just about as perfect as it ever could be. It seemed so simple in theory – being with the one she loved, sitting under the stars, and yes, this even included the coffee in her hand. It really was the little things that made life worth living.

When she was finished, she purposely set the mug on the table nearest her. He shook his head, finding this whole situation humorous. It was all in jest, he knew that, but it was fun to go along with this playful side of her.

"Now that I understand the lengths of you go through to protect your coffee, forget what I said earlier about not having a prenup. Apparently, we're going to be the first couple in history to have a one drawn up that separates perishable items instead of financial assists."

"I'll have Zell draft it, he gets me."

"I-I got nothing there. In fact, that is downright disturbing."

"I don't mean it like – oh just forget it! I don't think _this_ is what you wanted to talk about."

"Not really, but I'm glad I have a better understanding of what to expect in the future – his and hers coffee makers.

"Talk about stubborn," she muttered.

"That's why we work. In all seriousness though, you're right - that's obviously not what I wanted to discuss." Although Squall was enjoying himself, he couldn't stall much longer. "I just keep thinking tomorrow this could all be over and then well…"

"Is something wrong?" The way he hesitated had scared her. With their history, it was impossible not to read between the lines.

"It's not really what's wrong now. It's more about what's _going _to happen over the next few weeks, hopefully not longer... I _am _leaving Garden, that's a given, but I still have responsibilities that need to be taken care of. Also, I can guarantee there's going to be questions regarding this mission and I'll have to answer for the part I played. Some people are going to feel betrayed. I'm not talking about friends; I'm talking about those with political ties to Garden. The World Council will put every little move under their damn microscope. To a point, the next few months are going to be hell. The commitments hopefully won't be the same as after Time Compression, but there _will be_ publicity on this to a lesser degree."

"So… what are you saying?"

Even if he was trying to be reassuring, she honestly wasn't seeing it. If anything, he had given her more to think about, more to worry about. She knew cutting ties wouldn't be as simple saying 'I quit,' turning around, and then walking out the door. Garden was a bit more strong-handed than that. She just hoped for once they wouldn't treat their SeeDs as political pawns.

"Nothing bad. I just need to know we're on the same page."

"I guess if by 'same page' you mean it might be awhile before you come to Timber and you want to make sure I understand… I get that. I've waited this long, I think I can make it for a little while longer. Honestly though, the idea of you going back there for any amount of time scares me; I know what they can do. On the same token, I know you need to – it's who you are and I wouldn't expect any less."

She could understand but, even as she said it, there was that old familiar doubt lingering. She didn't want to feel this way, but work-related promises were hard to accept at face value.

"Rinoa, I promise I won't be there all the time. I'll commute. And Garden could never make me do something I honestly didn't want to do. In the past, I've gone along with them, but I've also stood up when it was needed. I know when to fight and stand my ground, even if this time it is _against_ them. If this means long weekends with you and staying at Garden a few nights a week – I'll make it work. Think of this – the publicity of my faked death will be a double-edged sword for them. Once I publically state that I've resigned for personal reasons, it's out there. One thing that would end up costing Garden in the long run is the public perception that I left on bad terms or had some sort of fallout. They still need me in that respect. I've never used my status for personal gain, but it's that status that's going to keep them from showing their hand."

"What about how Cid? How will he…I mean, the history with us and all?"

"He was protective. Maybe it came across as selfish to some degree. I think he knew before anyone that I'd never be able to handle being a knight and a commander. He had experience in something similar and it didn't work for him either. The sorceress-knight bond could have gone either way; looking back in hindsight, it's always been an either-or decision– but I was too stubborn and believed I could do both."

"Yeah, I get that somewhat…figuring what happened with Edea."

"Cid knew that we'd be sent to kill his wife and if things had worked out as we planned, we would have. I think he was afraid that history would repeat itself. He was trying to protect me from having to make a decision that could've ended your life. Right or wrong, he was trying to spare me from that guilt. Think of Zone and Watts who think of you as family - they have always gone out of the way to protect you. If they could stop you from getting hurt, they'd damn well do it. Sometimes there are blinders on, and people who shouldn't get hurt in the process do."

He looked over to her, brushing stray hairs that had escaped from her braid out of her face. The eye contact remained as he continued talking.

"I think Cid knew what was coming when I called from Timber. Hell, he probably figured it out the minute I escaped the-van-from-hell. With our bond, I think he always knew that finding our way back to one another was inevitable. In a way, I also think we knew less about our future than he did in some respects. I truly believe that in the end, he'll be glad."

"You really do? I mean… I always felt like he thought of me as more of a burden."

"Rinoa, you weren't a burden, but he knew that you could be a distraction. I stand by the fact that both of us needed to understand ourselves better before we could understand us as a couple. Just to clear things up, I'm not asking you to come back with me to Garden. I know how difficult that would be and honestly, it's probably best to keep your distance. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what I'd say, there's always going to be some…resentment. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I have to be realistic and it wouldn't be fair to put you through that either. In their eyes, I'll come back from the dead and then be seemingly abandoning them. I have no idea how they're going to react to being deceived in general – there's bound to be blame and finger pointing. After talking to Laguna, I think you could equate to how he felt in Winhill to a point. For what it's worth, I think both Winhill and Garden were equally as misguided in that respect."

Rinoa sighed. "Yes, but he didn't let people stop him either. I know I shouldn't care what they think but…"

"No 'buts' Rinoa. You did go back, just like he did. You showed up for the funeral and that's all I could ever ask of you – that's something I wouldn't even have asked. You stayed there for days and faced everyone…and that takes strength. I know some blamed the change in my behavior on the fact you left. The headmaster tried to hide the breakdown, but students are taught to question everything and look outside the lines. Explanations and apologies aren't going to matter to them, but their opinions shouldn't matter to us. They don't know the truth, we do."

"… Maybe in the end, it's better this way." She looked down to the ring in her hand. It was ironic that it was already giving her strength. In her earlier years, she drew solace in her mother's wedding ring, now she found another.

She knew the truth. He was right – their opinions didn't matter. "I know it would have never made a difference, even if I tried to go back to explain. They don't want to listen. Five years ago, when I first walked into the picture, half of the students seemed to automatically resent me – the fact that I was dating you, the fact that I received Edea's powers and was a sorceress. I get that. It scared me too and after fighting and losing loved ones because of a sorceress…and well, it's natural to hold onto those grudges."

She felt his grip tighten as a silent acknowledgment. In a perfect world, he could reassure her that she was being paranoid and that nobody thought that way. But the world wasn't perfect, and both of them knew he'd be lying if he tried.

"Thank you." She raised his hand up, placing a small kiss on the back of his hand. "Thank you for not asking me to go back and not trying to sugar-coat it to make me feel better."

She placed their joined hands back on her lap and let out a sigh. "It honestly feels like it would be ten times harder now. Back then, some of the Trepies resented me because of the Quistis thing, now it would be because of Lauren. I knew you never had any sort of personal relationship with Quistis, so I could let the comments roll off me to a point, but as far as Lauren… I couldn't really deny that. It's not like I could try to explain my relationship to you versus hers. Students found reasons to not like me five years ago and, when I left, I gave them reasons to validate their hatred. I was always the outsider – that could never be changed."

"I don't think they hate you, I think they just don't understand, but that's their loss. Trust me, I know that anger is an easier emotion than acceptance."

"You understand me. That's all I need."

"Well then, I guess that's a good lead-in for story time."

"See, another surprise," she teased as she nestled her head against his chest. "Hmm. I think I've heard you say more in the last five days than in the two years we dated. Does this mean that story time is going to be our new tradition? Instead of sitting on your lap watching the sunrise, I get to sit here and hear a bedtime story? I could get used to that."

He chuckled softly. "Well, don't… I actually have things to say tonight. I doubt I can come up with this much to talk about on a regular basis. And for the record, I'd have to say that I prefer the sunrise tradition, especially the part where you were naked."

She outwardly groaned in disgust. "I was wrapped in a _sheet_ \- that's not like naked-naked…thank-you-very-much. Besides, I was only that way because _someone_ picked me up and carried me out there."

"You remember it your way, I'll remember it mine."

"Whatever." She momentarily buried her face into his chest, although he could still make out her words. "Now I'm going to have to find a way to drag you out onto the balcony to watch the sunrise, only wrapped in a sheet. It only seems fair and all."

He shook his head. "You'd stand a better chance of me telling you a nightly bedtime story – but neither of those things will happen."

"_We'll, see…"_ Rinoa dragged her response out as if to taunt him. Using the back of the chair, she propped herself up to look him in the eyes. "I dragged you onto the dance floor so I think I can drag you onto a balcony. I have my ways."

With that, she leaned forward, catching him off guard as she placed small teasing kisses on his lips. He accepted the momentary interlude and found that he had become the aggressor, suddenly feeling the need to deepen their kisses. She tasted like heaven and coffee; he decided right there and then, that he was not only now addicted to caffeine, but to the taste of it on her lips.

She finally broke away after proving her silent point. "Sorry, I just really wanted to do that. In all seriousness, you know I'd love to hear the story. I'm guessing it has something to do with how it came about that I'm holding your mother's ring."

"Yes it does…and Rinoa, for the record," he paused to whisper in her ear, "I didn't mind you doing that - _at all_."

His breath sent a surge of tingles throughout her body. Sometimes she felt like a teenager again, the way he could make her body react to the slightest touch. For a brief second, she wondered if that was _his way_ of also letting her know that just like her, that he also had his ways. The future could be very interesting in that case…

Smiling at those thoughts, Rinoa looked over to him. He seemed to be contemplating something, which was not completely unusual for him as a whole. She figured that he was concerned about saying the wrong thing and was trying to choose his words wisely. At one point, he even went as far as opening his mouth, but only shook his head as if clearing those thoughts.

Finally, he seemed to have composed himself. "Rinoa, I want to show you something."

She had to suppress a laugh. It appeared that the last few rather intimate moments were still clouding her thoughts. The first thing that came to mind was a retort more suited for the likes of Zell or Irvine. She silently cursed the martial artists and his one-liners; this also gave her confirmation that she had spent way too much time trapped in close-quarters with him. It also made her earlier statement of 'he gets me' seem even more disturbing because, apparently, now she 'got' him just as easily. It was times like these when she was overjoyed that she and Squall didn't have the ability to hear her thoughts, although the way he was suspiciously eyeing her cast a little doubt.

Thankfully, Squall knew better than to question the response. It hadn't occurred to him at first, but after he thought about his words, and gauging Rinoa's reaction, he quickly put two and two together. This also confirmed what he already knew - they were spending way too much time around Zell. So in all of his infinite wisdom, he didn't elaborate. Instead, he maneuvered her so that he was able to reach into his shirt pocket.

"Do you still have the ring?" Even he knew that was rhetorical. There was no in hell she'd ever let it go.

"Of course."

Moving her hand from her lap, she raised her palm upwards to reveal the ring. Squall noticed how the band had already made an imprint into her palm from holding it so tightly. He couldn't blame her; he had done the same thing back in Laguna's office. One thing he could say for sure was that the history of the ring would mean as much to her as it had to both Laguna and himself.

Without further explanation, he carefully placed the item from his pocket onto her palm. He had united the two silver bands once again. In the light, they looked identical in make, save for the larger size of one.

"Laguna's..?" she asked, completely taken aback.

"Yes."

Rinoa remained quiet, although truthfully, it wasn't as shocking as when the first ring was placed in her hand. That moment could never be equaled. Still, that didn't negate the fact that she was holding a ring that Laguna had worn for nearly twenty-five years – one he had probably had on not even a half an hour ago. Since the first day she met the President, there was never a time in which he hadn't worn his ring. Even after all this time, Rinoa understood that he held the memories of his wife close to his heart.

"Those were Raine and Laguna's wedding rings," Squall said as if to reiterate it as fact.

He was going to say more, but again found himself hung up on his own words. He wondered if he would ever be able to think of them as something other than proper names but, maybe with time there would come acceptance in that area. Just a few minutes ago, he told Rinoa that anger was easy, acceptance was hard – maybe he needed to heed his own advice.

She had remained distracted, studying the rings in the incandescent light of the balcony. She wanted to try to take in everything this meant on a grander scale - two rings, two pairs of history, two generations defined by fate. It was also the first time she had taken a close look at 'her' ring. Laguna's had obviously been worn through the years and because of that, each scratch had a story and each dent made it perfect.

"Your parents," she softly said, her voice just barely above a whisper.

And for some unexplainable reason, he echoed her phrasing. "My parents."

The simple fact is he _wanted_ to say it; he wanted to see how it sounded, to make it real – and in that moment, it didn't feel completely absurd, but it didn't sit naturally either…his _parents. _To him, they may never be 'mother' and 'father,' but right now, he would willingly accept that, in time, 'parents' might not be too far out the realm.

They both found their attention was focused on something of importance – Rinoa looked at the rings in her hand, while Squall found himself drawn into watching her.

"They're beautiful."

"Yes," he quietly agreed, "beautiful."

"Silver?"

With the inquiry, he tore his attention away from her and back towards the rings. Normally, she would get self-conscious when he watched her like that; in the past, he found the only time he could look without her becoming nervous was when she was sleeping. Right then, she had been preoccupied, so it was an easy decision to take the chance he was given.

"Yes, they are silver."

"How did you?"

To his surprise, he found himself nervously letting out an unintentional laugh. "I guess this all seems a little off."

"Things have been _little off _for some time now… but yeah, this is, I don't even know." She turned her attention back towards him. "I know Laguna's wedding ring means the world to him and I guess it just had me a little shocked that he had taken it off… though there's not a doubt in my mind why he did."

_For Squall._ Rinoa knew how much Laguna would do for his son. There was never a question about how much he loved him.

Squall didn't respond to her comments directly. There was another reason for Laguna's action, but he would be getting ahead of himself if he said it. He just hoped he could make it through the second part of the night with the same confidence he felt in the first. Time would eventually become a factor, he needed to let her in on a little history lesson before it got too late.

"Before I get started, do want me to put the rings back in my pocket or would you rather hold them?"

She closed them into her fist, bringing her arm to her chest. "Hold them, I'll definitely hold them."

His lips formed a thin smile; he certainly wasn't going to cross her. Last time Irvine tried something like that as they left D-District Prison, he ended up getting scratched repeatedly. Although they were older, and hopefully wiser, Squall wasn't going to risk it – the bullet wound was enough to deal with.

"So yeah, about the rings…" he began, combing his fingers through unruly hair. One of these days he would stop doing that – today was far from that day.

"First, I wanted to thank you. It means a lot to me that you never questioned me about Laguna. I'm still trying to understand myself and it's going to take time."

"It's honestly not my place. Sure, I was surprised by the rings, obviously, so if I said something that was out of shock…and I'm sorry. You know I'm always here if you want to talk."

"No apologies, Rinoa. We kind of keep failing at this 'no sorry' thing, but as long as we don't break the 'no goodbye' rule, we're still doing well."

"I guess that makes us two sorry people."

"Something like that." He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. It was just an act of reassurance for both. "Also, I know you're there. Sometimes, I wonder how I made it through three years without having someone to talk to without being forced."

He hoped that she could read between the lines on that one. Part of his treatment was talking to whoever Garden threw him in a room with. It wasn't the same by any means. He just didn't want to bring up the specifics up as it certainly didn't feel appropriate right now.

"Once you left, I realized it didn't matter if I talked or not, it was enough knowing someone was around who cared and understood enough to listen. Then again, I think that you were always a part of me – it might have been the bond or my imagination, but some part of you remained. I think part of me wanted to get better for you at first – maybe it wasn't the right reason but it was a start. I wanted you to know you made a difference because you honestly did. The thing was, as the months passed, I realized that I wanted to get better for myself too and that's when I understood a little more. And for what it's worth, you honestly have every right to know about how I ended up with the rings. It's important to me that you know the history, figuring we're going to be wearing them soon."

Truthfully, Squall did not feel comfortable in sharing all aspects of his conversation with his father, especially when it came to Raine as a person, not just a name on a tombstone. Still, there was one very important aspect that he needed to share.

Resting his head back against the chair, he looked skyward towards the moon. "So, Laguna… I admit that I've tried to avoid saying one word to him in the past and I honestly thought I'd never want to hear anything he had to say… but, for a brief instant, I understood him a little bit better. I'm not going sit here and lie. I can't say that everything is forgiven and that we're suddenly going to be one big happy family. I know better than anyone that would be an outright lie. But we did find something in common, it may not be enough to build a future, but it's at least a foundation that I'd ignored in the past, or rather, I chose to ignore."

He paused and thought of the best way to say this. "Anyway, after we talked for a bit, I learned something that came as shock. I'm just going to come out and say it – Raine and Laguna were never technically married."

That surprised her, still not as much as the proposal, but it was still up there in shock value. "What, how…that doesn't make sense."

"It didn't to me either, but it does now. There was nobody in Winhill who would marry them. Those that could have flat out refused. For all these years, I believed I was given the Leonhart surname out of some sort of spite… but I wasn't, because they weren't."

"Squall, I-I can't believe they weren't married. I just always assumed because of the rings and he always said that…" she simply trailed on, as it was impossible to put into words.

"Wait, before you start thinking the same thing I did, let me finish. I could fault Laguna for a lot of things, this isn't one of them. Raine and Laguna might not have been officially married, but they did have a ceremony… it's just that…well, nobody else was there. Even when the whole town was against their relationship, they didn't let others stop them. The night before he left to find Ellone, they had their own wedding – they said their own words and faced their own consequences."

"Wow… that's amazing." She felt bad that she had ever doubted her friend. She easily agreed with Laguna – they were married. It was possibly one of the most romantic things she could have ever imagined.

"It is. It really is. Even more amazing is the fact he worked odd jobs to earn silver coins that he eventually made into wedding rings. When he didn't have enough money, Kiros gave him what he had earned. And you know, that's when it hit me. I walked into a store and easily paid for a ring I wasn't ready for. He worked months just to get the silver on one that nobody but Kiros supported him on."

"I just had no idea."

"Rinoa, I don't think anyone did outside of Kiros. I guess the town never accepted him. He mentioned going back and buying the headstone with 'Loire' on it years later. He figured they'd give up the fight. He only ended up with the ring because the villagers refused to bury her with it. In the end, the flower shop owner ended up with it. I don't know how or why – I didn't ask specifics, but I don't think it matters right now. What does matter is that it was eventually returned Laguna. He's had it all this time so he passed it onto me."

He paused only long enough to take a deep breath as he tried to hide his anxiety although he was pretty sure that she could feel his hands as they began to get clammy.

"The fact is parents were never technically married. But to me, and to hopefully everyone, they were married. Again, it was them under a full moon exchanging their own vows, which now that we have the rings, hopefully it brings us back full circle."

The significance of the rings would always carry meaning, one that went beyond Squall and Rinoa as a couple. She was truly glad she knew the history, that Raine and Laguna had the most beautiful, yet tragic, love story she had ever heard.

"Squall, what your parents did was very romantic because it wasn't conventional. They did what was right for them…and yes, circumstances might have played a part, but it never changed the result. To be completely honest, when I was younger, I did dream about my own wedding, even when I was back at Garden. Actually, by then, I already had most of it mentally planned down to the color scheme." She looked up at him apologetically. "Sorry"

"Mmm." It was a noncommittal response, but he honestly wanted to see where this went on its own.

"But at Irvine and Selphie's wedding, I realized something very important about my old dreams – that a wedding ceremony with all the ribbons, lace, bells, and whistles was beautiful… But honestly, in the end, it didn't matter where I was, what I was wearing, or who was watching. I just wanted the person standing next to me to be you. That's all that matters, that's all that ever did."

Squall could say the same. That entire day was awkward; she had gone out of her way to avoid eye contact, but he couldn't blame her. "For what it's worth, when I gave the speech, it wasn't only for them… it was meant for you too. I don't know if you got that or not or if you were even listening, I just wanted to let you know."

"I hoped it was…but I was afraid to fool myself into believing."

"Well, I think we both were putting on fronts that day. I suppose it was natural under the circumstances. And just to clear this up, when Zell gets married, you're official my date. I want to avoid later confusion if I end up giving his toast."

"Funny Leonhart, although you're incorrect. _You_ are going as_ my_ date. Semantics, remember?"

Rinoa didn't know it at the time, but she had unwittingly given him an opening to start this part of the conversation. His idea might have been walking on the proverbial edge, but then again, everything about their situation was a leap of faith. Moving to Timber, asking Rinoa to marry him, and now this…

"Rinoa, speaking of semantics," he started as he reached for her hand. Gently, he pried her fingers open and the rings were again visible in her palm. He carefully reached down, holding the smaller of the two in his fingers. "This is a _wedding_ band, not an engagement ring."

Although his comment had specific meaning, there was no way that she could have known the intent. She had assumed that he was talking about her not being able to wear something out in public; a single band wasn't the same as the as the engagement and wedding ring sets that had been become so popular lately. She wanted to assure him that she never wanted anything more.

A ring wasn't about status or proving their engagement by the ring on her finger; it was about something deeper to which a value could never be placed.

"Squall, the rings are perfect, _both_ of them. I know you've had your fill of things like fate and destiny, but I believe with everything in my heart that things worked out as they were meant to. For years, I wore my mother's ring and hers wasn't flashy or part of a set, but it brought me strength when I needed it. While hers may have been platinum, both of our mothers' rings carry something worth more than any amount of money. As for Raine, I know that not having it buried with her was probably hard for Laguna, but I'd like to think that your mother's spirit was watching out for you. A ring that meant the world to her found its way back to someone who meant the world to her. Like I said, this is one of those things that are just meant to be."

He quickly realized how she had interpreted his comment. The last thing he was thinking about was something being a part of set; it wasn't his normal train of thought, not like he was an expert on this sort of thing anyway. Even if there was some miscommunication, though it was pretty much his own fault, Rinoa had said something that stood out. Maybe his love/hate with fate and destiny would finally be tipped in their favor; she was right, this was meant to be.

"_Meant to be,"_ he repeated the words aloud poignantly, "like my parents doing an impromptu ceremony under a full moon?" Surprising her, he picked up the second of the two rings before gesturing up to the sky. "That moon."

"Okay, sure," she nervously laughed. The fact he had just taken the rings back didn't exactly jibe with the theme of tonight. The strange part was that she wasn't upset about his actions, but rather curious of them.

He lurched forward, letting go of her hand completely. "Let's get up for a second."

She shot him an inquisitive glance, but decided it was best just to play along. As he was getting out of the chair, he skillfully placed the rings back into his shirt pocket, taking the chance when her back was turned. The next time she saw Raine's wedding band was hopefully going to be the moment he slipped it onto her finger.

After a moment of stretching his legs, he led her back towards the railing, stopping a few steps shy of the edge. He turned, wanting to look her in the eyes for this. Although her sitting on his lap was nice, it wasn't the kind of intimacy needed in this moment. He reached both hands out to her, taking one in each his.

"Rinoa, what you said earlier about an elaborate wedding is the exact way I feel. You know more than anyone that I've never cared for large gatherings, especially when I'm somehow at the center of it. What I also said about after this is over is true – it's going to be a few chaotic months. It's going to be difficult to plan things until we get settled in – even then, I'm going to have to find some sort of work. Basically there's always going to be something we're dealing with, especially given we're not going to be the only engaged couple between our friends."

She felt a twinge of guilt, having completely forgotten about that detail. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to split the focus between our wedding and Zell's." She knew her friend wouldn't care; he'd be thrilled for them. The idea of him getting married brought a smile to her face – a few months ago, the poor guy swore he'd never fall into this trap. He was _so_ caught… "Of course, this is figuring Alex will say yes, but I think she'd be a fool not to."

"She would be, I agree. But you do bring up another point, I'd hate to overshadow anything they do, neither of them deserves that. No matter if it was our intent or not, people will naturally be heavily focused on us. My position, my death, you being a sorceress, and our reconciling - it's going to be a heyday for the damn media."

She suddenly felt disappointed as the realization set in. "We're going to have to hide this… aren't we? I mean, at least for now until we see how everything pans out."

"No, we're not hiding anything else anymore." His words came out a little more forceful than he had intended, but it was something he felt adamantly about. "We've both had enough secrets to last our lifetimes. The fact is that I don't think I'd make very good fiancé. I don't want to worry about china patters or matching the color schemes. I don't want to worry about our wedding turning into a political platform - who was invited, who was left off. Most of all, I don't want to worry about being an 'I' anymore. Where our relationship is concerned, we're both still individuals, but we're also a 'we.' We just need to start our life together and not worry about things that aren't us. Most of all, we deserve the beauty of what my parents had – with a few minor alterations that is."

She found that she was the one now squeezing his hand tighter. "I-I um, wait… what exactly are you saying?"

"Marry me."

"You've, um… asked me that already, I'm fairly positive." She tried to hide her fear or confusion as she wasn't sure what this feeling was.

"I did. But what I'm asking now is for you to take a leap of faith - to break away from tradition and what others expect, by following our hearts. So from now on, when we fall, we fall together. I'm asking you to marry me right now, right here. Sometimes things _do _come full circle and like you said, it's meant to be."

"I can't believe this… you just show up and-" she barely managed.

Pulling away from his grasp a little too quickly, she brought her hands to cover her mouth. She was afraid of saying the wrong thing out of shock, but she doubted it mattered as her body language was speaking volumes. At least she knew with great clarity what she feeling now - this was full-blown confusion.

Even if she had tried, she could not look him in eyes right now. This was something that she could have never anticipated – hell, something nobody could have anticipated - and the conflict between the reality and her perception was blurred at best.

He took a step back nervously; apparently they weren't on the same page earlier. He was never that good at expressing himself. In the past, she had been usually very good at filling in the blanks.

Placing her hands on either side of her temples, she was still trying to make sense of this. "This is crazy."

"…I'm not really a fan of that word." His voice was soft and even though he tried to mask it, the hurt was evident.

"Oh god Squall, I'm sorry… I wasn't thinking." She closed her eyes, cursing herself that she hadn't kept her mouth covered. She hadn't thought that one through. "Sorry."

"It's all right, I get it. I probably just should have stopped while I was ahead."

He turned to lean on the railing, the fact that he had his back to her wasn't intentional nor was it something he felt inclined to fix at the moment. For now, he focused on the streets below, just to find some order in his mind. He couldn't even fathom what fucking hell had come over him, why he would have even thought of this in the first place. He also wondered why it still felt right to him - like he had said earlier, somehow this was 'meant to be.' There was no rhyme or reason why he should feel like that; it made no logical sense. Maybe she was right, maybe he was crazy, or in love… or both. He didn't have a fucking clue.

He suddenly became very aware that his mouth had become dry, but he would be damned if he would go inside right now to face the others. It should have never mattered when this happened, she said yes, so the 'whens' and 'hows' weren't important. It was out there now; it was something that couldn't exactly be taken back. He had this amazing tendency to put his foot in his mouth – this conversation stuff was overrated. Like she mentioned, he had said more in the last few days then the entire time they were together. Maybe he should go back to short replies and predictable 'whatevers.' Being perceived as an indifferent asshole was better than this…

For once in his life, he was following the lead of his father, which may have been where his downfall had been. Still, strangely he had no animosity toward Laguna, at least not over this. In fact, if anything, he was more impressed with what his parents had done. Squall was not really confident when it came to the romance part of the relationship, or truly the 'relationship' part of it either.

He didn't know how long he was looking at the skyline now. It felt like forever, but it was one of those situations where one was very aware of the tension filling the air. She was still out there, that at least was something.

"Why?" a tiny voice said as she moved forward, leaning on the rail next to him.

He winced; there was no getting away from this. "Why what?"

Both had been careful to avoid eye contact and it seemed that both had done their fair share of thinking. Squall wished he could have read her at the moment, to know where her mind was at.

She sighed, "Why did you really ask?"

"I thought I told you… I meant it if you want to know."

"It wasn't because you were afraid?"

"Of course I'm afraid. I have no idea what the hell is going to happen. When this is over, I'll have no job, I'll be facing several people who aren't going to take kindly to being lied to, and I'll always have to worry about whether or not my past catch up with me. But if you're asking if I'm afraid of marrying you – that's the one thing right now I'm ironically not afraid of."

"I thought that maybe you felt like if you didn't do it now, you'd never do it. That you'd keep pushing back a date or find some reason to break it off completely."

"No, Rinoa, no… I asked because I wanted to. Nothing more. Nothing less."

"Okay."

The both leaned on the rail; the silence lasted about another thirty seconds before Rinoa spoke again. Her voice was no longer timid. In fact, it was said with much conviction although her words seemed completely random.

"Espresso machine."

With that, she pushed herself away from the balcony and took few steps back. "I've never had the money and they're kind of extravagant, but it's one of those things I've kinda dreamed about… I guess I tried to keep my 'dreams' a little bit more realistic over the last years."

"What?" With his by his side, he finally turned around.

Looking at the sky, she shrugged her shoulders. "It's just that future you were talking about earlier – the one with_ his_ and _hers_ coffee makers. I'd kind of like it if, you know, instead of getting another coffee maker we could possibly get an espresso machine instead. It can go right beside the coffee maker now… then we can share both. You know someone just told me marriage is fifty-fifty and they were right."

She finally looked back to him. "Plus it's easier this way… I don't think Zell would have enough time to draw up the prenup this quickly. So looks like this works out for everyone."

"Rinoa are-?"

"Yes," she said, cutting him off. She walked up to him, placing her arms on his shoulders. She found herself smiling as she looked up at him. "Plus I want my ring back, damn it. You kind of took it back without asking."

"Me?"

"Innocent doesn't work with me, Leonhart. I know you."

"Yes, yes you do."

Neither of them could tell who initiated the kiss, but it didn't matter. That was only semantics.

The truth would always remain that Laguna and Raine had their own story; it might have been tragic but, for a short time, it shone brighter than any star. Now Squall Leonhart and Rinoa Heartilly would have a chance to rewrite the ending in their own way. This wasn't about expensive gowns or hundreds of guests, this was only about two people making a commitment to one another – world and circumstances be damned.

 

 

* * *

  


  


_ **Chapter Seventy-Two: All Our Yesterdays**_   


  


* * *

She had not expected this, because no one could have foreseen this moment – not her, not even Squall. Yet the moment he had simply said 'it just felt right,' she knew he was right. As they stood under the night sky, she knew this was where she was destined to be. It was impulsive, unpredictable, and by far the most spontaneous thing ever to happen in her life. It may be a mistake, and it certainly would never be perfect, but it was a gamble she was more than willing to take.

It really was a leap of faith; there was beauty to be found in the unknown.

As much as she was enjoying this interlude, she couldn't help but think about some of the more technical aspects. She knew his parents weren't legally married, but that was a choice forced onto them by happenstance. She needed to know if he was talking about an actual legal commitment; truthfully, there were many variables that needed clarification. Not to mention, the biggest hurdle of them all - Squall was currently _slightly_ dead.

Breaking away, curiosity was getting the better of her. "How and who? Is this even going to work…with you being well, by all accounts, dead?"

He raised an eyebrow at her as if the answer was blatantly obvious. "Marrying the undead will nothing new during the zombie apocalypse - we're just trend-setters."

Again, Rinoa found herself playfully smacking him on the bicep. "That's not what I meant! I'm trying to be serious… though I guess I'm the one who got the ball rolling on that, joking about the espresso maker and all."

"Wait, you were joking?"

"Not really…you got me there. Espresso _is_ serious business. I'm guess I'm really curious about how this is going to work. I mean, you can really make this happen tonight?"

"Yes… although not alone. Let's say, I've kind of enlisted an expert team to help me on this mission… And before I go on about that, I wanted to give you an update about our _other _mission. Basically, until Kiros can consult with the SeeD backup tomorrow, we're at a standstill. I just don't want you to think for one second that Sirtis is taking a backseat to anything. I guess time has also taught me to accept that we've done all that could be done. There's no reason for me to be up all night obsessing over it. I've kind of learned that gets me nowhere and usually turns out counterproductive."

"You've gone from obsessing about work to getting married on a whim. You rather like extremes, don't you?"

"Can't promise I'll never obsessive over work again at some point, but I can tell you that this the first, and only, time I plan on getting married. I'd say tonight maybe classifies as an extreme, but I wouldn't call it a whim in the conventional sense."

"I guess you had some time to think about it."

"Just a little bit, although I agree, I never thought of this. I guess I have to give my parents credit for the idea. Speaking of which, if you'll recall in one of Laguna's earlier prattling about all of Kiros' accomplishments, he mentioned that he was certified to marry people in Esthar and well, Laguna wasn't mistaken. Amazing how the paperwork isn't much of a problem if you have the right connections."

"And let me guess, your father is the President of Esthar?" she mimicked his earlier statement, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

"Best pickup line I found is when you add in, 'I saved the world' and it's pretty much a done-deal." He reached forward, grabbing both of her hands, pre-empting another retaliatory whack in the arm. Leaning over, he whispered into her ear, _"I'm related to the President of Esthar and saved the world just for moments like these, to be with a person like you. So, let's celebrate how thankful we are to be alive together later on."_

She had to laugh, which was hopefully the reaction he was going for. "Sorry, that was a little too Irvine-esque. You have the right credentials, but the delivery is _so_ not you. Although, cheesy lines and all, you better believe I'm taking you up on the celebrating part tonight."

"Well, I'll have to check the rulebook, but I believe that's still considered a victory. And as I've only said that once, I now have a hundred percent success rate."

"You better be glad I'm marrying you before that percentage rate plummets into the negative…and yeah, yeah, I get that it's theoretically not possible, but you've been known to do the impossible – like coming back from the dead and then spontaneously getting married."

Letting her hands drop, he stepped closer, wrapping his arms around her waist. "The only slight drawback is that it can't be registered until I'm officially _not dead_ to avoid any red flags. Still, as of the time you and I sign, along with Kiros and a witness, we're legal by all accounts. And if all goes well tomorrow, it can be filed the minute we catch Sirtis."

She nodded as a small breeze edged through the air. He used the opportunity to lead her back towards the railing. Again, she found herself looking between the contrasting lights of the city and the darkness of the sky. Standing behind, his arms wrapped around her body as their hands joined, resting on the railing.

Rinoa watched as another far off aircraft landed over the horizon. She thought of the one earlier, although it wouldn't ever be the same ones she liked to believe were artificial shooting stars. Try as she might, it was impossible to wish for the real thing, but that is what made them even more beautiful. She could smile at the memories; it had been so long since she allowed herself that comfort.

"So, was this honestly planned?" she asked, clasping their fingers together, "Up until your explanation, I kinda thought getting married tonight was something that you thought of in the heat of the moment."

"If you're asking if I thought about this before coming to Esthar, I didn't. If you're asking if I knew before stepping out onto the balcony twenty minutes ago, then the answers is yes, I did know. _I hoped_. When I heard Laguna and Raine's story – nothing else made more sense to me. I can't explain every little thing that led up to this night and this moment, but I think things worked out like they had to."

Rinoa leaned back, falling into the support he offered. She smiled as he kissed the top of her head; it sent a warm, tingling sensation throughout her body. They were not tied to any specific timetable, but she still wondered how long they should be out here.

"_A few more minutes,"_ she thought. It suddenly occurred to her that this would be the last time she would ever spend with her 'boyfriend.' Again, that was solely based on semantics, but she believed that thought was worth at least a few more minutes.

As her body rested against his, he wondered how he could feel this calmly. In the scarce-few weddings he had attended, the grooms always seemed to be nervous, although Squall knew he could have been basing that off of his own residual feelings. Irvine tried to appear as the perfect picture of cool, calm, and collective, but managed to fail on all three accounts although he was sure the cowboy would adamantly disagree. It got the commander thinking of his friends' wedding, to today, and everything in between.

"Going back over things, I don't know why I even felt the need to bring the old engagement ring from Timber. I left it the first time but, when I came back for you…something told me it would be important. I couldn't have known we'd follow this road, but it was almost as if my conscious wouldn't let me leave it behind."

"You know, someone once told me that your conscious was the voices of the dead trying to guide you along the journey in this world. It's basically like the spirits of those who loved us in this life were helping us avoid the mistakes they made, or to sometimes find a path that we might have been too blind to see… I don't know, I never really thought much into that theory…but somehow, there's almost a comfort to it. Like, maybe your mother, or both our mothers, were watching out for you leading you there." She sighed, realizing how ridiculous this sounded now that she had stopped and thought about her words. "Sorry, that probably sounds stupid."

"Maybe, maybe not. I kind of like the idea though. It does beg the question of who you heard it from – knowing the cast of characters in your life, I'd go with Laguna, Zone, or Zell. Not necessary in that order."

"Cast of characters, huh? I guess that means you now have a starring role and they're just day players. As for where I heard it from, it didn't involve conspiracy theories, knowledge of the word 'dork,' or losing in go-fish so… none of the above. It was Nida, actually."

"Nida, really?"

"Yep, really…he can be articulate and very convincing. I think if ever spoke up, he could go far. He has interesting insight into the human mind. Last I knew, he was studying psychology behavioral science."

"Guess it's a good thing that I didn't see him much over the last few years, considering. Still, all-and-all, I kind of like his theory no matter how unlikely… Honestly, I can't come up with any other explanations for first discovering the ring…okay, so I did need a pen, but I could have looked anywhere. Plus there's the fact you placed it in a junk-drawer in the first place, which seems like an odd place to keep engagement rings." He let out a small chuckle at the irony. "Unless of course, it was a commentary on your feelings about me."

"No, it was more like denial about how I felt. How it ended up there was…" It was something she didn't want to remember. "…it was just a series of things, I guess… Honestly, I wasn't exactly stable myself… Instead of thinking of that, I actually like the idea our mothers were somehow guiding us the best they could."

"Well, from what Laguna seems to say, it sounds like something Raine would do – too stubborn to give up on us getting back together and, if your mother is anything remotely like you, she'd be right in there too."

"Oh, she _so _would." Rinoa softly laughed at the thought of her mother…her mother.

The feeling hit her just as quickly as anything else tonight. Closing her eyes, the young sorceress inhaled a trembling breath; she was glad her back was still against Squall's chest as she closed her eyes. This had been the first time she had thought of her mother on this day. She didn't want to do this now; there were some things she still needed to do alone.

Her mother would want her enjoy this night for everything it was and not dwell in the past. So just as quickly as it came, Rinoa tried pushing those thoughts from her mind. "Squall, I think you and I have just made history. We have just uncovered the first conspiracy theory from beyond the grave. Zone would be proud. Our mothers are quite sneaky, it appears."

Even though she had tried to cover it, Squall could sense her faltering and if he held the power to do so, he would have done anything to have Julia here tonight. Hell, he would have done anything to have Raine sitting beside her too. As he glanced up at that moon, he knew both Julia and Raine would be there - not even death could keep them from their families.

_Family_… that brought up something else he needed to ask. No matter how tonight played out, having this wedding would lead to hurt feelings. And yet, it was still better than any political consequences or media circus others would try to twist out of their vows. Squall believed that the people who mattered in their lives would understand. If not, he would have been the first to call it off.

And although some damages couldn't be negated, one particular one could be.

Standing behind her seemed too impersonal; he wanted to her to know the sincerity behind his words as he asked this one thing of her. There was never a doubt in his mind that she would agree, but marriage was about communication and if it didn't continue from here on out, it may once again become their undoing and that was a chance he refused to take. Stepping beside her, he moved so he could see her face as he spoke.

"I'd like to know how you would feel about something. It's obvious that we're keeping private about this, but there's one person that this wouldn't feel right without – Ellone. She's only a few minutes' drive from here and I get that I'm supposed to be keeping a low profile but… we're better informed now. As a precaution, she can stay in one of the dignitary guestrooms on the lower floors. That's where Kiros is staying to make sure he's out of sight until precisely the right time. I'm not willing to take a risk on anyone's welfare, but I've weighed the options and I feel like she should be here. I'm hoping you're okay with this."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on his cheek. There was something heartwarming about this, about Squall wanting his family to be a part of this. She was almost envious of how they would rally to support him, to support them. Her own father would disapprove, but that owed more to his pessimistic nature. Rinoa knew he would want her to be happy but, for him, happiness often related to work and accomplishments rather than love. She didn't begrudge him for his beliefs as she had come to accept him for who he was long ago.

Her own friends were also wildcards, Zone more so than Watts as the latter would happy for his friend, but the former…not so much. In some form of irony, the person she would want to share this with her the most would have been Laguna – the man who acted as father figure at times and as a confidant at others. Their friends back at Garden would understand, at least most of them…

Rinoa smiled before biting her lip. "You know, Selphie is _sooo_ never going let me live this down. I hope she'll understand."

"Her wrath is the only thing I'm afraid of. She's small but wiry and I'm pretty sure she could take me down in some ninja-like attack," he teased, "but in the end, she'll happier than anyone."

Now it was his turn to be reassuring. "If it makes you feel better, we can get together with everyone when this is over. I know you don't want to go to Balamb but, maybe we can do something in Timber. Selphie can plan a dinner with everyone, plus Zell's wedding will keep her busy enough. I mean, if that's all right. I've just had enough public gatherings to last me a lifetime."

"Prior to contrary belief, I've kind of outgrown them myself. And Squall, when this is over, don't question for a second that I don't want to go to town to see them. The minute you get off the train, I want to be there by your side. Plus, I really feel like I need to see them again… I mean, under better circumstances. A funeral really wasn't a great place for a reunion and I still know there are things that have been left unsaid. I think we all need to mend those fences together."

"Sounds like a plan, although I don't think we'll be stepping off of a train. The van-from-hell has to make its triumphant return… and honestly, I think Zell more than deserves to get back to his family the second this is over. So, if you're game, we can spend our two-day honeymoon driving over water and then under it."

"A honeymoon in the van-from-hell filled with self-help tapes, freeze-dried food, and military-grade sleeping bags? Screw the fancy wedding and castles - _that _was my dream scenario from childhood."

"That's me, your knight driving gallantly in a twenty-year old white van, the cornerstone of every fairytale ever written."

His smile slowly ebbed as his hand brushed against her cheek. All joking aside, he just wanted to make sure this was real; he didn't want her to look back on the _could've_ beens and _should've_ beens. The hard part was behind them and even if she told him she changed her mind, he knew they'd make it either way. No regrets.

"Rinoa, in all seriousness, I know this isn't what you planned and if you're not comfortable, I don't want you to regret anything. Just close your eyes for a second and walk through this in your head, think of everything good or bad… I won't be upset with whatever you answer."

Opening her mouth, she was going to protest, but decided to follow his advice instead. It was easy just to answer without thought, to get caught up in the romanticism and not the reality, so she refused to do that. To distance herself, she stepped away, just slightly to allow herself to clear her mind. As she closed her eyes, she became in tune to the distant sounds of the cityscape. Even the touch of the breeze became more defined.

There were no shortcuts; she allowed herself to poke into every crevasse of her mind. In the end, she knew her decision hadn't changed. If anything, her conviction had grown stronger… But yes, there was one thing she kept coming back to, one thing she wanted to address, readdress, and make sure of beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Turning back, she steadied herself before asking. Truthfully, she already knew the answer, but it felt unnatural for it to be overlooked so easily.

"Squall… there is something that's still a little hard to get past. By all accounts, I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does."

This was his fear, but he also knew it wasn't an easy road. "It's all right, talk to me."

She would have done anything not to bring this up, not here, not now, but she needed her mind at ease. "I'm just… it's Lauren. I know what your relationship is, I'm not doubting anything you've told me, but I just think…" She shook her head, looking away. "I'm probably looking at this too personally because I couldn't be like that with someone and not be attached in some way. Somehow, I can't stop thinking about how I'd feel if I was Lauren in this situation – you go on a mission, die, come home and, _surprise,_ you're now married to someone else. In my heart, I know it's not the same – at all. It's that, well… what if you're misinterpreting the relationship? I mean, what if she does have feelings for you?"

He felt guilty; it was as simple as that. He would take responsibility for Rinoa feeling this way. He had let this happen. It was his weakness and self-loathing that had even brought on this part of his life. Part of him believed he had already closed that chapter on his life, but that was rather presumptuous on his part.

"Rinoa, this is hard to say and don't take this the wrong way but, I know her. No, it's not like I know you. I don't know about her quirks and habits, but I know about her work ethic and drive. I tried to emulate her to a point, focusing everything on the job. I couldn't. Her drive is probably greater than Xu's. It's natural for you to worry; it's what makes you - _you_. I've said it before, but I understand given the situation why it should be brought up again. Honestly, yes, I care for her. I think I tried to outright say I didn't before, but I'm not heartless and neither is she. There was intimacy, but never love. She's not interested in emotional ties or relationships in that respect. If she was here right now, she'd tell you to do what feels right to you…and then probably ask if I would write her a recommendation to become commander permanently. That's just her mindset. But if you really want to talk to her first, I'll understand. We can't have any regrets about this."

In the back of her mind, Rinoa knew that about Lauren, and Squall's words only confirmed her beliefs. The one thing that stood out was that he said he had some form of affection for her, and vice-versa, and that was reassuring. He wasn't outright denying that she meant nothing to him, like a one night stand that went on years. He was being honest. It wasn't love, it wasn't close.

"Okay," she whispered, "the only regret I'd have now is if I let this night slip by. I want you to know that you were right earlier; this wasn't the wedding I'd pictured. It's so much better."

"I don't think that this is what either of us expected," He stepped forward, locking his arms firmly around her. "but it's what we both deserve."

She agreed. It would be easy to place blame – anger was easier than acceptance. They both would find a way to put mistakes behind them. They knew some things were important to remember, but some things were better left in the past.

"So um, what do we do now?"

He lifted his arm to read his watch. It was just past nine and if all went according to Laguna's schedule, they would get married at midnight. "Let's go."

Like a gentleman, he offered his hand to her, before they headed back inside. "We have just under three hours. Unfortunately, I think the next step is go in and tell Laguna it's on… and then listen to the inevitable ten minutes of gushing."

"You sound like you don't mind," she teased as they made their way through the bedroom.

"Hmph." No, he wasn't thrilled but, given the situation, it kind of was expected to a certain degree…a degree that undoubtedly Laguna would run past with great gusto.

Hand-in-hand, they walked down the hall that led to Laguna's office. Squall purposely stopped short, taking the moment to collect his thoughts. Neither spoke, but found mutual reassurance in the other's eyes. Rinoa smiled and squeezed his hand. It was the same silent declaration they had exchanged over the last few days.

The door was pulled too, so Squall thought it would be polite to knock.

"Come in!" Laguna was already trying to rein in his excitement, but subtleness was far from his strong suit.

As they entered, the President stood from behind his desk. Kiros remained seated, but respectfully acknowledged the young couple.

Laguna started to walk forward, but the excitement got the better of him. His eyes had been so transfixed on the two that he misjudged the space between his desk and the chair; the sound of his knee hitting the hardwood echoed loudly in the room. Squall looked on in shock and Rinoa physically winced at the thud. It was obvious that he was in pain, but the determined man refused to let it stop him as he hobbled forward.

"So, um, anything new or different or anything?"

He didn't want to ask straight out - in case Squall had changed his mind and not asked or, even worse, if Rinoa had answered him with a 'no.' Given what Laguna knew, he would place bets that neither of those two had happened, but it wasn't his place to broach the subject. Somehow, he never second-guessed the fact Rinoa would say yes, but he would have understood if she had been concerned about the timing.

"We're investing in an espresso machine," Squall stated very matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Rinoa nudged him in the side with her elbow, urging him to continue. "…And."

"We're still undecided about a food processor, but Zell said he swears by his."

This time, the nudge had a more force behind it. "…And."

At this point, Squall had been impressed by Laguna's ability to balance on one leg. "…And that had to have hurt, would you like some ice? Oddly enough, I have this annoying pain in my side that just started a few seconds ago. I can go get us each a bag from the freezer."

Rinoa threw up her hands. "Forget it, Squall…you and your ill-timed sense of humor."

This brought her back to the first back-and-forth exchange she could remember with him, in front of Dr. Kadowaki no less. However, today there was one key element that wasn't present any time before – he was openly doing this in front of Laguna. This was a side of Squall that only those close to him ever saw and even then, it was often guarded. By him taking this step, as ill-timed as it was, was a good sign. It was that or he was messing with his father, purposely making him squirm.

Either way, she was going to put the poor guy out of his misery. "Yes, Laguna, we're getting married tonight."

Rinoa wasn't even sure what happened, it was like a presidential blur moving towards her like a speeding Cactuar. Before her mind could register, Laguna had pulled her into a bear hug, crushing her in excitement. She reciprocated the best she could, but he had given her little room to maneuver…or breathe.

Sensing that she may be in over her head, Squall thought it best to step in. "Please try to avoid breaking my fiancée."

"Oh, sorry, sorry, this is just so… I was hoping, but yeah." He pulled away sheepishly, although the enthusiasm in his face never diminished and the pain in his leg was all but forgotten. He had already shared his approval with Squall, now he wanted to offer the same to his future daughter-in-law.

"Rin, I'm just so happy…I don't think I can ever tell you what all this means." He reached down, taking her hand. "I need you to know you've always been family to me – you were never just Squall's girlfriend, because I got to know the amazing person you are. Over the last few years, I've come to love you like a daughter. This is just so perfect! I feel like my son and daughter are getting married."

Placing a hand to his forehead, Squall mumbled a profanity under his breath. Kiros merely shook his head in disbelief, but couldn't help as a smirk crept onto his face. Rinoa had only smiled widely, unsure of how one would politely respond to that.

Given the mixed reactions, Laguna's choice of wording finally dawned on him.

"Wait- I mean, it's just that… See, Rinoa's like and Squall he's-" He abruptly stopped when Rinoa moved forward, giving him another quick hug.

"Laguna, it's okay."

After a few seconds, she pulled away and moved back to Squall's side. For all intents and purposes, she had deciphered Laguna's unique phrasing and without question echoed its exact sentiment. "I know exactly what you meant, so don't worry about trying to explain. For what it's worth, I think of you as family too and I have for a very long time."

The commander looked at the man standing before him and even though long hair covered part of his face, there was no question about the sincerity written in his eyes. As the President stood there, Squall noticed the difference a day could make. At the resort, there was something so pale and frail about his father, he looked like a shell of his former self last night. While twenty-four hours, give-or-take, wasn't enough to undo the weeks of stress, it was enough to mark improvement.

Laguna noticed his son was looking at him, but thought better of asking. Instead, he extended a hand out to him – and to some surprise of the older man, his gesture was accepted without reluctance. The President knew better than to push boundaries with a hug; he had done that last night but part of that was shock and part was to quell disbelief. He wanted to acknowledge this moment too, minus the awkwardness that Squall most certainly felt yesterday.

"Congratulations… officially." The President grinned from ear-to-ear. Even if it was a simple handshake, it meant everything to the older man.

"Thank you." Squall's response was both genuine and sincere.

Rinoa and Kiros exchanged quick glances, knowing the small steps that were taking place. It wasn't leaps and bounds, but it was better than anything in the past. When Laguna stepped back, Kiros stood from the chair and took the opportunity to extend his hand, offering his own well-wishes to the couple.

When they had first walked in the office, Rinoa had immediately noticed the lack of Zell. This especially became apparent when his sarcastic digs had been absent over the last few minutes. There hadn't had been much of a lull to ask until now, although she knew he would forever regret missing the brother/sister remark.

"Does anyone know if Zell's still in the other room? I want to let him know the wedding's a go too. I don't think it will be official until I get to his colorful commentary."

Squall began feeling a little bad for not including his friend. "Actually, he wasn't in on it. One thing led to another while I was speaking with Laguna, and Kiros just happened to walk in at the tail end of it. At this point, Zell's unaware of everything."

The aide recalled running in to him on his way here. "Last I saw, he was headed to the kitchen to pour some coffee. He most likely returned to his bedroom."

Squall turned to look his fiancée. "Rinoa…"

He didn't know why he was having trouble articulating it, but he needed to do this on his own. There were a few things he wanted to say to Zell – a few 'thank yous' he needed to offer. From the minute the stepped on the boat to Dollet to tonight, the martial artist never stopped believing in his friend. He never stopped believing in love even if Squall had been too stubborn to admit it himself. From half-brained analogies of meat, to physically stopping Squall from crashing his own funeral - the martial artist had been a better friend to him than he ever deserved.

"Would you be alright if I were to talk to Zell on my own? I owe him a lot."

He didn't elaborate to her, but that wouldn't be needed. It was a request that she would gladly grant. "It's no problem. I know he'll be glad that it's coming from you… I'll make you a deal, I get to tell Quistis, Selphie, and Irvine and in exchange, I'll let you tell Zell, Cid, Edea, and my father. Sounds fair."

"Nice try, but no dice on the last one. The others I'll agree to."

"Can't blame a girl for trying." She flashed him an innocent smile. "I could have thrown Zone in there too, but I was feeling generous."

"Okay, okay. We have stuff to do!" Laguna strategically interrupted, hopefully changing the subject. The President didn't know much about this 'Zone' character, but Squall's reaction to Rinoa calling him earlier was more than evident. "Let's get down to business… Rinoa, I need you to stay here and get a few answers from you for the license. Squall, I pretty much have everything we need. I'll bring it down later for you to sign. If you want, why don't you move into the master bedroom for now? I was going to ask if you wanted to borrow a shirt or something since I'm not sure what all you brought. It doesn't matter to me, just throwing that olive branch out there."

Rubbing his temples, Squall realized that Laguna was right. It surely wasn't his intention to ever wear his father's clothes, but when the headmaster gathered a bag of the commander's belongings – semi-formal attire was strangely absent. Besides for jeans, t-shirts, and boxer shorts – he was out of luck. Even though tonight wasn't based off of tradition by any means, the boxer shorts probably would be ill-advised. There was just something overly personal about borrowing Laguna's clothes. He didn't like wearing others' things – period. It hard to accept the offer, but Squall knew it was one of those times where he _wanted_ to move beyond his hang-ups.

"I have black jeans which should work fine, but I could use a shirt that's a little more appropriate."

As they were discussing what to wear, it suddenly dawned on Rinoa that she didn't have anything appropriate either. Although she wasn't opposed to doing this in shorts and a t-shirt, she would have liked something a tad dressier.

"Um, basically everything I have is like what I'm wearing. I don't mind, but…"

"Don't worry, I got it covered." Laguna smiled as he leaned against his desk. "You know those white robes that the Estharian citizens love so much? Those long, hot ones where material is easily the equivalent of wearing insulated curtains made thirty years ago and gives you the figure of a hot air balloon. Well, it's traditional wedding attire 'round these parts and also rumored to bring luck and fertility to your marriage."

Rinoa smiled, although it was only to mask her horror. She suddenly wished she hadn't asked and just opted for the khaki shorts she had on. "…That's very nice of you. Thank you," she found herself saying. She didn't want to hurt his feelings, but was searching for a polite way to get out of this.

She turned to Squall who had a amused look on his face, but seemed intent on letting her fight this battle on her own. "When in Esthar…" was his not-so-helpful reply.

"I, um, didn't think that… they give you good luck you say? That's…nice, I guess."

At that point, Laguna outwardly had to laugh, even Squall threw in a chuckle, but it was time for him to let her off the hook. "No, luck is involved, unless it's bad. From my years of living here, I can tell you that the only thing they're guaranteed to do is make you itch terribly and, in a few… _unfortunate _cases, give you the nastiest rash known to baffle Estharian scientists. The only fertility involved is how much the itching multiplies."

Laguna subconsciously started reliving that unpleasant memory, not even realizing he had been rubbing the back of his neck – a tell-tale sign of to whom he was referring. "I have a few in my closet as it comes with the territory, but I can't stand those damn things… And yes, they are actually used as traditional wedding wear around here, but I'd never do that to you. I kind of want you to still speak to me when this is over."

"Great," Rinoa mumbled, "the first thing you guys agree to do together is tease me. I feel loved."

"Ellone is bringing something," Squall explained, trying to put her mind at ease. "Honestly, it's not a department the three of us had experience in so Laguna told her to bring a few dresses that she thought you'd like. Although, if you prefer to live on the edge and try a robe…"

She put her hand on his arm. "No, no… that's quite alright. A simple dress will work perfectly."

Kiros looked at his watch. "We should probably be moving along."

Laguna looked to his son. "If you need anything, I'm right down the hall. The type of shirt you're looking for is in the big closet. You'll see it when you walk in."

"It's fine. I'll manage for now, just stay with Rinoa. I'll grab Zell on my way to your room so I can speak with him."

Before Squall left, he exchanged a quick kiss with fiancée – a title she was only going to hold for only a few short hours. He stood there afterwards, giving her a curious look.

"What?" she questioned, feeling that familiar insecurity creep in. Her random fears ranged between concerns that he had changed his mind about marriage to hoping there wasn't a poppy seed stuck in her teeth. "Um, Squall…?"

"Sorry. Nothing really. Just next time I see you will be the wedding – _our _wedding."

"It's just surreal."

"Very," he agreed.

She should have just let sleeping dogs lie, but that was easier said than done. Damn insecurity. "You are sure, right? I just don't want this to be some spontaneous thing you did out of guilt. No regrets, right?"

"None. Plus, I think I have a history of doing spontaneous things where you're concerned… Amazingly, an off-the-cuff wedding will only rank as the second on my list. Jumping out of an escape pod hurling through space to save you still stands firmly at the top. The worst that can happen here is spending our honeymoon in the van-from-hell as opposed to imploding in a messy bloody mass."

"You're _sooo_…romantic," she said, horrified.

He chuckled out loud at her reaction; her expression was priceless. With one last kiss on the cheek, he walked out the door, knowing full well she was watching his exit.

After he was out of view, Rinoa turned back around, but was blindsided by another hug. Luckily, this one wasn't applied with the same deathly grip. She had realized that Laguna had been showing his version of restraint around his son, but now that he had left, he felt like he could express his excitement a little more.

"I'm going to step out," Kiros said from beside them. "I want to check to the status of the press release, double checking it hit all the main media outlets. Everything else is basically on stand-by until morning. I also want to stop by the storage area to see if I can locate a few things for the terrace. I'll return shortly and bring by the marriage certificate."

Rinoa nodded, although it was probably directed more towards Laguna. After the aide left, Rinoa could tell that Laguna had finally broken down. It wasn't in a bad way, not at all, it was just all the emotion mixed with the excitement of tonight.

She let out a small laugh as it dawned on her. "Poor Squall, he thought he could get away with just signing the license, guess he forgot about the actual certificate. We probably shouldn't tell him, double the paperwork may be a deal breaker."

"That's my kid." As Laguna said it, he realized just what that statement meant, every truth it entailed. He softly repeated it again, letting the significance of every word sink in. "That's my kid…_my_ _kid._ He listened to me. He actually listened."

"Yes he did. Just give him time." She could feel him nod as a small sob escaped. "You know, it's all right… I know exactly how you're feeling. Trust me, a few nights ago, I was in your place." she assured, still holding him. To anyone who walked in, this would be quite a sight, but neither of them gave a damn what others thought at this point.

"Thank you," he whispered, trying not to be embarrassed by his actions. "I just feel like I need to be strong right now. I guess I'm failing, badly."

"You're not failing at all. This has been an emotional rollercoaster for everyone. We need each other, all of us. I leaned on you for the last few years, when nobody else could understand. At least I can return the favor now."

He pulled away, meekly wiping his tears. "I want you to know what I said earlier was true. I've always thought of you as family."

"Thank you. You'll never know how much that means." Now she found herself wiping her own tears, but her smile never dimmed. "Also, I appreciate you for also never judging me… after I left Garden, I never said anything before because it was hard and I didn't want to answer questions – some I could have, some I still didn't know. Things probably seemed rather one-sided… and I'm sure you heard a ton of rumors. I totally would have understood if you had felt uncomfortable around me, but you never seemed to be. That means so much more than you'll ever know."

"It's never as simple as it seems and things that seem one-sided rarely are. People can be very closed-minded, especially if that's all they've ever known." His distant look made her realize that he was speaking from experience. The comment wasn't about Garden, but about Winhill.

His demeanor changed as light returned to his face, "Don't ever worry. I know how much you have always loved him. I also understand that you'd do anything for him, even if it's harder than anything you've done in your life. Sometimes it takes more strength to leave than to stay. I often think if I had…"

No, he wouldn't allow himself to do that. To have left Raine early would've meant not having Squall. To his dying breath, Laguna would never change that.

"You know what Rinoa, honestly, I don't care what happened…and I don't think I ever want to. Life isn't always black and white and I get how it is to be disliked for nothing more than being yourself. I may be his father, but I understand that Squall needed time to come to terms with everything around him; he needed to come to terms with himself. That's probably still going to be an uphill battle, but you're facing it together."

At heart, he couldn't deny that he was still a full-blown romantic. He leaned over, saying the next words rather sheepishly. "I-I never said anything to you, _considering_, but I never lost hope for you two – just ask Elle how I'd go on about it. I just always wanted things would work out."

"They did, Laguna, they did. Well, so _far_," she exaggerated the last word playfully. "Ask me again in five years when we've had a decent amount of time to argue about whether or not Angelo gets to sleep on the bed, if leaving the toilet seat down is required etiquette, or worse yet, hearing him go on about how he's tired of my lace and floral print towels."

The President laughed. "Yeah, the towels may be an issue…flowers I get, but flowers _and_ lace is pushing the envelope on the manliness meter. I'm sure he can grab some of those standard-issued ones from Garden. He's paid his dues. He deserves a complimentary set of gray terrycloth towels for saving the world."

"Sounds more than fair. Plus they have the little embroidered logo on them so they could be a collector's item one day."

"Think of it like a hotel – it would be a shame if he 'accidentally' packed a set or two when he left. Oh, and tell him to grab a handful of those mini soap bars too, they're rather useful. You should see the collection I have stocked. It started in my traveling journalism days and continues on…but let's keep that one between us. I'd rather not have anyone know what all those shoeboxes under my bed and up in my closet actually are."

"You were always such a rebel, weren't you?"

"Quite. Anyway, on more serious note, I know we should sit down and let you answer these questions…gotta admit my leg is hurting, again, but that's another thing to keep between us."

She shook her head, crossing her arms. "I _knew_ that had to have hurt, but mum's the word."

"Thanks." He started to walk behind his desk, but stopped. There was one more thing he wanted to say. "Rinoa, I really need you to know something… Raine would have loved you and she'd be so proud of everything you two overcame. I was very open with her…okay, maybe not right away, but I did tell her everything about Julia. I know you and I don't talk about that much, but Raine had no ill-will towards your mother - neither of them were like that. I suppose in a way, I knew that Julia was special, but I didn't know why back then. Now I do – it was because Julia was your mother. She was destined to be my son's mother-in-law. It's hard to explain, but I still love her, because she's family."

"Darn it, now I'm going to cry again." She smiled in a failing attempt to keep her composure. "And I want you know, I believe that Raine has never been more proud of her two boys than she was today. Squall keeps saying 'no regrets' for us, but it applies to you too. I think Raine never regretted a single thing when it came to you two…and I am proud to follow her lead."

Laguna recalled what he had told Squall about his mother. "Rinoa, she would have thought what you're doing tonight was perfect. She always believed in love and happy endings. She always said that a fairy tale is what you make out of it. She knew reality wasn't a book and was never perfect, but the memories you pass down will be."

Rinoa had known little about Raine, but in that moment, she felt she had found a kindred spirit. "Sometimes you realize that your knight in shining armor is just a man and riding off into the sunset isn't exactly ideal. It gets dark, and cold, and even the horse needs to stop and rest." She looked down to her finger, the one she'd soon be wearing a ring on. "But in the end, none of that matters. It's what you make out of the life you've been given that becomes fairy tale."

"She really would have loved you." This time, she could sense the sadness in his voice.

Walking over, she took his arm. "Laguna… I know this might sound a little off, as we're not doing the whole traditional wedding thing… But you – _you_ \- have been there for me every step of the way. From the day I left the Sorceress Memorial, you supported me and never looked back… You are family. So, I was kind of hoping, that although there isn't really going to be an aisle, I'd be honored if you gave me away."

* * *

Sitting on the bed, Zell had cycled through all of the television channels at least three times. Apparently, for a city that was so advanced on technology, it was light-years behind in the entertainment industry. He hadn't flipped through this many different channels since the 'old days' of Irvine, when the cowboy would irritate everyone by constantly changing channels and playing a game he liked to call 'real' or 'fake.' Selphie quickly put an end to that little game.

After all else failed, he ended up on a channel that looked like some futuristic version of what Estharians must considered to be a sport, but he couldn't make heads or tails of the concept. Why he was still in there, he didn't even know. And why he was still watching _this_, he really didn't know.

It felt like everyone outside this room was acting… actually felt more comfortable staying in, sipping coffee, and watching this television debacle_._ Saying it was weirder _out there_ than in here was saying a lot – he was currently watching teams of ten in white unitards chasing after a waist-high neon orange ball with green paddles. Given the effects of lights and lasers, it almost looked reminiscent of a pinball machine, but he'd be damned if he could even figure out how they kept score or what the goal was besides to look like huge idiots in front of the entire nation.

He never missed hockey, or human company, so damn much...

When he and Rinoa had returned upstairs from working in the van, nobody was around. She mentioned going into her room and getting into something more comfortable than jeans. He didn't think she would be long, but she had apparently decided to stay in her room. The next time he would see anyone was a chance encounter with Kiros in the hallway. Unbeknownst to him, the aide was about to disappear into the same black hole as everyone else.

After that, he decided to take a cup of coffee to Rinoa; it was her who had started him on this crazy habit anyhow. She seemed surprised when he showed up at her door, offering her both coffee and a suggestion. The coffee was accepted, the suggestion…not so much. He was determined one of these days someone would take him up on playing strip Triple-Triad. He wouldn't actually go through with it, but it was a fun challenge just to see if he was as persuasive as Irvine. Selphie, of course, would die if she knew that her secret was out.

Leaving Rinoa's room, he had studied the map in the living room a few more times, before feeling the need to rest. Now he was back in his room, suddenly wondering if his social skills were that bad and why all sports in Esthar had the lowest common denominator of men in full-body spandex suits and oversized goggles. He would never understand this country or its definition of 'entertainment.' Thank god.

Luckily for him, there was a saving grace in the form of a knock on the door. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.

"Come in…_please_!"

Squall pushed the door open, but made no attempt to walk in.

"Follow me." Squall said hurriedly as he was already halfway down the hall.

He had missed the memo that stated the commander had returned from the black hole and was back to barking orders. He wanted a damn manual that explained his friend, or maybe someone would design a mood ring that would indicate the commander's temper - that sounded suspiciously like a project that screamed Selphie.

Rolling his eyes, Zell got off the bed, mimicking a two-way conversation. _"It's nice to see you, Zell. Squall, would you like to come and watch TV? Looks like they are about to do a report live from the locker room. Oh, I'd love to Zell, I hope it's full access because you know how I love those candid locker room interviews and wow, I love those stylin' outfits! Do you know where I could pick up one as Rinoa would love it? No Squall, I don't, but never figured you to go from leather to designer suits to full-bodied spandex."_

As he turned the corner, he realized that Squall had stopped. He had no idea of how much the commander heard and it was probably better not to know.

Squall said nothing about the original subject matter, but decided to offer some sage advice. "You may want to consider switching to decaf."

They walked past the room where Squall had been staying and headed directly to the large door at the end of the hall.

"I'm confused, wasn't your room back there? This is Laguna's, right?"

"If you were confused before," Squall started as his eyes scanned the room, easily spotting the closet, "I'm really going to throw you for a loop – more than wearing spandex."

"Thanks for the warning, I guess…" Zell mumbled as Squall headed towards the closet, "Is there something I'm missing here? Something about the case or just doing a spot-check to see Laguna's taste in clothing."

"No, it's not about the case." When Squall opened the closet doors, he noted the obscene amount of shoeboxes stacked on the upper shelves; apparently, his father shared Quistis' obsession with shoes. That was a comparison he wished he had gone his entire life without making.

Shaking it off, he began scanning for a shirt, but his eyes were drawn to the oversized white robes hanging at the far end. Out of curiosity, he had to see if material was as bad as his father had made it out to be. To his surprise, Laguna hadn't been kidding about them having the texture and weight of insulated drapes.

As Squall tested the fabric, the martial artist thought that was why he had been dragged in here.

"Oh God, you're joining a cult, aren't you?" Zell stated in shock as the commander had paused at the robe, "You know Squall, I love ya man, but not sure if you're going to find the path to enlightenment and the key to transcending this way. If you're going through some experimental phase, um maybe start with incense and candles? Yoga also works well… at least Selphie says so."

"What in the hell are you going on about?" Squall had no idea what the martial artist was even saying. Then he realized that Zell thought _that_ was the reason for going to closet. "How does one even make the leap from touching a robe to joining a cult?"

"Movies? There's always this creepy leader and dark woods-"

"I don't even." Squall raised a hand, cutting him off. The last thing he needed was Zell rehashing bad movie plots. "If you must know, I'm getting married."

"Oh yes, and that's much more logical." Zell laughed. "You _are _joking, right?"

"Serious as Cid on field exam day. In other words – _not _joking."

"Right now? I mean, right this very second… you're getting married? To Rinoa?"

"You know, about now, I'm wondering why Nida wasn't assigned to go to Dollet with me. He always seemed like the quiet, go-getter sort and apparently quite the philosopher. …And of course it's Rinoa. Who the hell else would it be?"

"I don't know, _I'm_ not the one with two girlfriends," Zell shot back sarcastically.

"I'm getting married so I'm letting that slip _this _time. How do you feel about wearing formal robes though? I was informed they are traditional Estharian wedding attire. I'll let you pick first."

Zell helplessly glanced between the robes and the commander. "You've got to be kidding about wearing those, right? We'll look like giant marshmallows or huge, shapeless ghosts…basically we'll look like two blobs. No wait - Blobra ghosts."

Squall shook his head as this conversation had run its course and then some. He returned to his search for a shirt that he could live with. Zell had taken this as a sign that the commander hadn't been serious.

"Ha, see, I _knew_ you were kidding! Seems rather strange to joke about… but I didn't fall for it even for a second!"

"Yes, Zell I was kidding..."

The martial artist folded his arms in triumph on calling the commander on his bluff. However, it was a short-lived celebration lasting all of three seconds.

"…About the robe, I was kidding about the_ robe_. I am still looking for a shirt that's more appropriate than anything I have with me."

Somehow when Squall said it this time, there was a different air about him. In that second, the martial artist knew he wasn't kidding about getting married.

"You really are… aren't you?"

"Yes, I am. Sorry about leading you on about the robe, I apologize."

Zell thought if _that_ was what Squall considered amusing, then there definitely was some television programming around here that he might get a kick out of.

Noticing the martial artist's silence, the commander turned back to his friend. "In all honesty, I'm glad you were the one assigned to Dollet. I wouldn't have wanted to go through this with anyone else. Rinoa and I need someone to stand as a witness, or be a best man, whichever you want to call it… and I can't think of a better person and I know she feels the same way."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'll deny this conversation ever took place later, so enjoy it for all it's worth, but yes, I'm glad it's you here."

"Me too man."

Squall went back to searching the closet as Zell glanced around the room; it was the first time he had really taken in his surroundings. If anything, the master bedroom had a sort of cluttered, eclectic feel. The rest of Laguna's living quarters seemed nearly picture-perfect, but this room felt 'real.'

Knowing that the commander could be debating shirt choices for awhile, Zell decided to find a seat. The only chair near the closet was this modern thing that looked like it was one of those 'ergonomic' designs. Even though it seemed out of place compared to the feel of the rest of the room, he decided to sit down albeit with a few hesitations. It felt like the thing was bent at an odd angle and he shifted back and forth, trying to get comfortable. For all the country's technology, one would think that they would design comfortable furniture and decent sports but, apparently, futuristic aesthetics were more important that functionality or entertainment.

At this point, he yearned for the van-from-hell's bolted-down stools; at least there he didn't sit on a bar strategically placed for maximum discomfort. After Zell managed to settle in, he watched as the commander would pull out a shirt, stare at it, and put it back into the closet. He seemed to be repeating this pattern often.

The martial artist wondered if he should say something about Squall's decision. Honestly, this was all well and good and very much on the romantic side, but that didn't necessary mean it was for the best. When he had teased Irvine before his wedding, it was just that – good-natured ribbing. He had never expected the cowboy to change his mind. Truthfully, Zell would have given his friend hell if he had actually followed his advice and called off the wedding. That was all in good fun and harassing Irvine was a definite added bonus.

In his heart, Zell knew that Rinoa and Squall should be together – they always should have been. Still, he worried about his friend, no, _both_ his friends. If he overstepped a boundary here, it could truly be detrimental, but if he remained silent, it could prove even more harmful.

"Squall, as your friend who's known you most of your life, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. I also wouldn't say this if both of you two didn't mean a lot to me… Of course I love Rinoa, but I've only known her for the last five years… I've been around_ you _since my earliest memories and I trust you with my life. And trust me, that isn't something I say often. I guess, what I'm trying to say is - I know your life isn't my business and I know you're probably going to be upset with me for asking, but it's only because I think of you as family….are you sure about this?"

Zell stopped, waiting for the verbal berating that he had grown accustom to over the years. That might not have been a fair assessment as he frequently had done something, or _forgotten_ to do something, work-related. Squall didn't usually just randomly yell, except following the months Rinoa left. On the other hand, he had just questioned his friend on a very delicate matter. One they both knew damn well wasn't his business, but Zell needed to be a friend right now and sometimes that meant asking the hard questions.

When Squall continued looking in the closet, Zell was unsure what to do – either he was ignoring him or desperately trying to refrain from punching him in the face. He didn't know whether to keep talking or not, but at this point, the damage had been done.

"Squall, I understand the situation is all new and exciting right now, but this doesn't seem like you. I just don't want you to look back on tonight and wonder why you did this. I know it may not be immediately, but in three, four, or more years from now, I don't want you resenting Rinoa because you decided to resign your position. This has as much to do with protecting her as it does in protecting you."

Zell didn't know what to expect when the commander turned around and at that point, he was prepared for anything good or bad.

But the reaction he found wasn't volatile. In truth, it was the most serene and peaceful expression Zell had ever seen on his friend and as Squall took a seat at the foot of the bed, there was something innately calming about his demeanor.

There was no acidic tone, but one of acceptance. "I've spent my entire life looking back and wondering what I did wrong. I'm not just talking about Esthar; I'm talking about from my earliest memories. And now for once, I'm living in the moment and not thinking about regrets. I've had too many of those. Over the last few years, it seemed like my life was a game. It felt like I had no control over myself and lost my freewill. For that, who's at fault? I could blame the GFs or Garden, even Rinoa. In a broader aspect, I could easily turn the blame on myself. The problem is that it wasn't just _one_ thing. Can I blame myself for Raine's death, could I blame Laguna? …And what about Rinoa? I could easily argue that I was overwhelmed and felt the relationship was forced. I could blame outside influences and say it was the work of all my friends. You gave her Griever, but I allowed her to keep it… Then who next? When does it stop? Zell you and I both grew up in a system that stresses blame and self-accountability. Hell, I don't think any of us came out unscarred… but I can't live that way anymore.

In the midst of it all, he managed to smile; it was not forced in the least. "A few days ago, for the first time, _I_ took control of my own life. From the night I left for Timber, up until this minute… these have been the most defining days in my entire life. And the morning after we broke into Rinoa's office, I didn't feel guilty waking up next to her; I didn't hate myself or think that being with her as a weakness. These feelings were new to me. Even telling Cid I was resigning was easier than I'd ever expected. The words came out naturally and I didn't worry about blame; I didn't care about what others' perceptions were for once. I felt free. I know every morning won't be like that, but if I could at least feel the tiniest sliver of that for the rest of my life, I know I won't regret tonight."

"It's not that I don't agree with you…and I do see you two getting married in the future without question. I guess my question is, why is it _tonight_?"

He shrugged his shoulders, not able to give the articulate answer Zell probably wanted to hear. "Rinoa asked the same thing, I'll give you the same answer I gave her – because it just feels right."

"Well, that's solid logic."

"I never said it was logical, I just said it was right. You have to remember that _to you, _this seems quick - you only found out that I bought an engagement ring three days ago. To me, this was a commitment I've contemplated for three years – lived with, blamed, and regretted."

This was the first time Squall had taken the time to study his friend. He was surprised to see Zell sitting in a way that looked agonizingly painful and slightly inhuman, but left that fact alone for the time being. There would be time to call him on it later.

Standing up, he took a few steps forward, asking, "Zell, I have a question for you – why did you give up hotdogs when you met Alex?"

"Er, okay…" Zell began in confusion; he didn't know what this had to do with the other, but he would give the commander the benefit of the doubt. He always did. "..I mean, I didn't give them or any meat up at first. She honestly didn't care or try to change what I did or anything about me… I guess, eventually, I felt bad eating around her on my own, so I cut down trying to inhale them when she was there. First, I didn't eat when she was there, but then we were together more and more. I suppose it happened eventually and, to me, I started feeling better. Hotdogs just weren't that important to me anymore. She doesn't eat animal products because of what she believes but, to me, it was more because of a physical improvement when I cut out meat… We still have major differences in what we eat, but it somehow works for us. I think I've mentioned the whole thing before…because in the end, I can't say there was one particular thing or reason - it just felt right."

"Exactly, it _felt _right. You can't sit there and give me a guarantee that in ten years you won't want another hotdog or will never eat one again. But do you regret your choice so far?"

"No…sure, I miss it sometimes but I don't regret it."

"I guess sometimes there is no logic. It comes down to a leap of faith, one I want to take."

Grinning, Zell felt better. It wasn't the words Squall said per se, it was the fact he was willing to say them at all. This was a person who was trying to communicate rather than hiding behind facades. The martial artist would even venture a guess that in ten years he, himself, still wouldn't be eating hotdogs, because they weren't important to him – and Squall wouldn't regret being married, because Rinoa was important to him.

"Then I'll be honored to be your witness or best man… or witness-man. You know, whatever, I'll have your back on this either way. And sorry to go all Quistis-y on you…I just figured since she wasn't here, I had to be the practical one, but I'm glad that's over since she's so much better at that than I am."

"You don't need to be sorry, it's what friends do. For the record, Quistis will be proud – you -represented maturity well. As a side note, I'd prefer 'best-witness' over 'witness-man,' but let's officially go with best man; again, it somehow just feels right…but let's not mention that one to Irvine either. Oh, before it slips my mind, here…"

The commander reached in his shirt pocket, pulling out the two rings. He looked at them one last time before handing them over. "I suppose you should hold on to these for the time being. Just don't lose them and prove me wrong on that maturity comment. I can't reiterate not losing them enough. Also, don't even think about throwing them over the balcony for good luck."

"Did I miss a shopping trip to the mall? For once, I really would have loved to tag along. And why in the world would I throw them over the balcony? Who would be stupid enough to do that?"

"You'd be surprised," Squall said, looking directly at the martial artist, "Then again, who would be stupid enough to think that a folded weight bench is a chair? You look a Chocobo trying to lay an egg."

* * *

The time alone in the shower gave her time to clear her head. The steam had become as thick as morning fog, giving the atmosphere in the room an entirely stagnate feel. As water trailed down her body, she felt herself relaxing to the hypnotic rhythm of the jets. She smiled to herself about the memories of being here last night.

It certainly wasn't something she had expected from Squall. Years ago, he had been very reserved, but last night showed that he had become more comfortable with himself and most definitely her. Making love in water appeared to be the new theme in their lives - first in the rain and then in the shower. Maybe they should forgo the espresso maker and opt for buying a hot tub, she thought. With a devilish smile, Rinoa made a decision that, if he agreed, they deserved both. Neither of them were ones for buying frivolous things, but this should be the one exception – a damn good one at that.

Stepping out of the shower, she grabbed a nearby towel, wrapping it around herself. With her hand, she wiped off the mirror, although it was a futile attempt. Still, she couldn't help but feel excited. For a second there, she felt like a giddy teenager getting ready for her first date. Only she was four years removed from her teens and this wasn't getting dressed to go out to a dance, but preparing for her wedding.

Even worse, she kept thinking of little things along the lines of, 'this was the last time she would shower as single person,' or, 'this was the last time she would brush her teeth as Rinoa Heartilly.' She squarely blamed this on Selphie's influence. Before her wedding, she had been randomly pointing out such things, but now Rinoa saw how easy it was to do the same. She didn't want to admit back then that it was hard – she never liked the word 'jealous' but it was hard not to reflect on the past.

Thankfully, she hadn't quite gone as far as Selphie however. Namely when she had made the rather vocal assertion of, 'this is last time I'm going to blow my nose as a Tilmitt' in front of the photographer and his crew. That little outcry would be talked about among the girls for years. There were other assorted 'last time' comments that probably would have been best left unsaid, although they would make quite good stories later on. At least Rinoa hadn't quite devolved into doing that _yet._

A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom donning a royal blue bathrobe. It was so oversized that it was easily comical - the embroidered Presidential Seal on the breast pocket rested near her stomach. Still, it was without a doubt the most comfortable robe she had ever worn. Thinking about the earlier conversation with Laguna, she let out a small laugh. Maybe she should follow his earlier advice about towels and 'accidently' pack this in her bag and he could think of it as a wedding present afterwards. After a few alterations, it would be the perfect thing to wear after getting out of their, albeit currently imaginary, hot tub.

Walking across the room, she finished knotting the towel around her head. The most logical next step was to get dressed, but dressed into what was the big mystery. There wasn't much for her to do this second as it was more or less a waiting game right now. Sighing, she sat down at the vanity, trying to calm herself. The sorceress looked at herself in the mirror, trying to still comprehend that she would wake up tomorrow as a married woman.

"Last time I'll be sighing in a mirror by myself as a single woman," she mused aloud.

It was in the silence that she realized the down side to this – she was alone. There were no bridesmaids or friends rolling their eyes at her comments, not even like at home when Angelo purposely ignored her. She still wouldn't change tonight but maybe this time alone brought some perspective into the fantasy.

She continued looking in the mirror; the reflection was not the person she was the day she boarded a train, taking a step that would ultimately shape both of their futures. She cried then and she cried today, but not for the same reason. Time had changed a lot of things, including her perceptions of this day. Yet there was one factor that could never be changed - a childhood dream that could never happen no matter if she married tonight, tomorrow, or any other day for the rest of her life.

Rinoa placed her hand up to the mirror, her fingertips resting gently against the glass. "I miss you mom. I wish you were here."

Her words were soft, a quiet hope that could never be answered. With a somber smile, she continued. "I'd tell you all about him, but something tells me that you already know. You've always been watching as my guardian angel… and I know you'll be right beside me tonight."

And Rinoa knew her mother would be; there was no doubt. She had learned a lot from Laguna tonight, especially from the parts of himself that he guarded close. But even before his words, she had no doubt that Raine would be standing next to Squall. The two fated spirits would be there.

They wouldn't have missed this night for anything.

  



	26. Far Beyond the Stars

  
**   
_Chapter Seventy-Three: Far Beyond the Stars_   
**   


A soft rap at the door brought Rinoa back into the moment. She would be honoring the past but for now, she needed to live in the present. Grabbing a nearby tissue, she took a deep breath before wiping her eyes. She wouldn't fool herself into believing that this would be the last time she'd be crying tonight; she was far too realistic than that.

Usually, she would've told whoever was on the other side to come on in, but given that this night had gone completely off-script, she didn't want to take the chance since her current wardrobe was a tad embarrassing. And so she opened the door a crack to see who was there.

"Rinoa?" a somewhat timid voice questioned.

"Ellone!" the sorceress said excitedly, throwing the door the rest of the way open.

By the other woman's reaction, Rinoa realized her enthusiasm gave her quite a scare; she hadn't intended to act that way, but her emotions were rather unpredictable right now. Rinoa also surmised that between her earlier musings of 'last time as' and now her random bouts of enthusiasm, she had fallen quite far into Selphie territory. Thankfully, she had not reached the stage of wanting to blow things to 'smithereens,' but the night was still young… and Zell could be rather inappropriate.

As they stepped into the bedroom, the two women greeted each other with a mutual hug. The sorceress had just been glad for the company; being left alone with her own thoughts was something better fitted for her future husband.

"I'm sorry about that… I'm just glad to have someone to talk with." Rinoa nervously apologized, smiling as she spoke the words. "I'm still trying to figure how this all worked out… Honestly, I still have to pinch myself into believing this is real."

Ellone remained quiet as she tried to remain positive. It had taken her aback to see Rinoa like this, but everyone was different.

Rinoa noticed the young woman had hardly moved and spoken even less. She felt like a horrible hostess. "Please, Elle, have a seat… I just need to keep my mind occupied."

As the young sorceress returned to the vanity, she glanced at herself. She winced in horror at the image staring back at her. Honestly, she easily could have been awarded the title as the most disheveled bride-to-be. The hem of Laguna's robe easily dragged on the floor, the excess material on the sleeves arms hung on her like bat wings, and there was no denying her eyes were still puffy from crying. Not to mention the entire ensemble was topped off with the wrapped towel on her head, which was _clearly_ the epitome of refined elegance.

She laughed as she took a seat. "I know I look completely ridiculous. Laguna let me borrow his bathrobe, which I suppose is stating the obvious." Unwrapping the towel, Rinoa let her hair fall free, drying it as she continued. "You know, I'm not sure how this robe even fits him… he'd have to be swimming in it too. Oh, speaking of Laguna, I'm so happy he was able to get a hold of you. I hope we're not interrupting any plans, but you being here means the world to all of us."

"I wasn't busy. I haven't felt like doing much lately, considering." Ellone paused, still surprised at Rinoa's behavior. The sorceress usually talked, but not this much. In fact, she tended to be reserved and, over the last three years, Ellone believed that she had been also choosing her words carefully. Then again, the last few weeks had been an emotional rollercoaster and she recognized that people sometimes handled things differently… _really_ differently in this case.

Ellone watched as the younger woman grabbed a nearby comb and ran it through her hair. Rinoa's actions almost felt detached from reality, but Ellone brushed it off, and politely continued.

"I wanted to see you while you were visiting Uncle Laguna, but I also wanted to allow you two your own space. I'll admit his call tonight was out-of the blue, but he just sounded… _happy._ I can honestly say that he was happier than I've heard him years. It was so-" She shook her head. "Never mind. What I mean is that I didn't have the heart to turn him down, not that I would have."

This time, it was Ellone who found herself trying to tread carefully around her wording; it was difficult for her to understand this evening, but she would do her best to respect them.

"Oh, Laguna is thrilled, trust me. And Elle, the wedding wouldn't have been the same without you. As I said, we all want you here tonight. You're part of the family." Rinoa let out a small laugh at the realization. "I guess I will be too in a few hours. Well, that is, if I don't end up forgetting how to breathe and end up passing out, which is something that's looking more likely than not right now. I'm not kidding, I have actually had to stop and remind myself to breathe. You know, I can't say this is how I pictured my wedding, but now I can't picture it any other way. Although, I'm still a little afraid of Selphie's reaction, but I think she'll understand. If nothing else, I think Laguna can make her understand…don't tell her I said this, but she's always sort of had a thing for him, especially when she first went back to the past. It was kind of cute, now it's kind of… well… ironic, I guess? Anyway, we'll probably have some sort of reception once things settle down; maybe he can talk her down then. _Maybe."_

Ellone blinked her eyes, trying to absorb the shock. _"…Wedding? Married?" _she thought, but was too stunned to speak. The young woman sitting before her seemed so sincere if not long-winded.

The sorceress could admit that the conversation was rather one-sided. Then again, given who Ellone's adoptive sibling was, Rinoa had her fair-share of lopsided exchanges. She couldn't really fault Elle in this case; having gone through the shock of finding out that her brother was not only very much alive, but also getting married required some adjustment. It might have been futile, but she wanted to offer some reassurance. In truth, maybe she was just afraid to hear Ellone's thoughts on the marriage. Laguna could be emotional, but Ellone was more realistic.

"I know you're probably thinking that us getting married seems sudden and impulsive. And in good conscience, I shouldn't sit here and deny that because I had the same concerns... and honestly still do. But you know, I think every bride does, whether you've been engaged two years or two hours, you kinda reflect back on your entire life... and that's the thing. The more I started to think back, the more I questioned everything, but it's also the more I can say it honestly does feel right. It's like everything is falling into place. Everything has a reason."

Rinoa realized there was something she needed to ask, a courtesy that she wanted to extend. Her tone softened as she turned to face the young woman. It might not have been necessary, but to Rinoa it was. Not by blood, but by bond they were going to be family and Ellone would always remain a sister to both her and Squall.

"Elle, I don't know how much Laguna had time to fill you in on, but there's something that I wanted to ask before the ceremony. Maybe this should have come from him, but I know he's slightly overwhelmed… I would never forgive myself if you don't know beforehand… and before I go any further, please, if there's a problem, at all, tell me. I've kind of learned that holding onto resentment and pain gets you nowhere. To paraphrase my fiancé, no regrets. But, um, I'm going to be using Raine's ring."

"I…" Ellone tried to reply, but without much success, "I didn't. I can't-"

"I know….we'll I _didn't know_ before tonight, but I guess nobody knew that it wasn't buried with her," Rinoa answered, misunderstanding Ellone's inability to respond. "I'm so sorry, Elle, this really shouldn't have come from me. Apparently Laguna couldn't accept that she wasn't buried with it so he never told anybody – until tonight."

Rinoa looked down, subconsciously focusing on her ring finger. She knew that this would be a difficult subject for Ellone; she had always been accepted in Winhill and to say anything unkind about her hometown wouldn't be fair.

"I guess it was decided that it would be returned to him… but the rest should honestly be between you and Laguna. I know it probably wasn't my place to say anything, but I didn't want you to be surprised tonight. So much has happened in the last few weeks, the last few hours; it's probably easy to overlook a few details here and there. I know Raine and Laguna were like parents to you and that's why I wanted to get your blessing. I don't think I could wear it without it. There's so much tragic beauty in their story, but I promise we'll do everything we can to at least give the ring the ending it deserves."

"Where is Uncle Laguna?" Ellone's words were rushed; it sounded as if it took everything she had just to say them aloud.

The sorceress didn't need the ability to read minds to know that she was not taking this well. If Ellone didn't support the wedding, Rinoa didn't know if she could even follow through. Squall would be devastated if his sister didn't approve. She couldn't say if it would be enough for him to change his mind, but it would certainly give him reason to pause.

Now it was Rinoa who was having difficulty finding the words. "Laguna is probably with Kiros… to finalize the paperwork, I think. He was down the hall last I knew."

"I need to sit down."

Looking over, Rinoa saw that all the color had drained from her face. She jumped up, grabbing the Ellone's arm in support. As she helped her to the bed, Rinoa tried to pretend she didn't notice how the other woman wouldn't look at her - _but she noticed._ It honestly would have been impossible not to.

"You're really not okay with this, are you?" Rinoa said as she sat next to her, hoping she was imagining the reaction.

As the older woman bowed her head, could see that besides still refusing eye contact, Ellone was now crying – in that moment, Rinoa knew that it wasn't her imagination, now rooted in indelible reality.

Through her tears, Ellone wanted to explain, but how do you explain impossible? "Rinoa, this? I just… can't. We just buried Squall and now… I can't forget him so… I just can't… I'm so sorry."

With those incoherent words, Rinoa suddenly understood that one rather _major_ detail seemed to have been omitted entirely from this scenario. Sliding off the bed, Rinoa kneeled in front of her, trying to get her to look her in the eyes.

This time, Rinoa spoke with a calm and sympathetic tone. "Ellone, who do you think is getting married?"

"You?" The sorceress nodded, encouraging her along, "…and Uncle Laguna?"

"Well, that explains… a lot." Rinoa no longer tried to kneel as she sat on the floor, dumbfounded at the notion. Although this would make for another good story later, it didn't really make for one at the moment.

Rinoa figured that Ellone had been briefed on the entire story. Now it was clear to see that she had completely forgotten an chapter page from Squall's rule book - assumptions and jumping to them. Thinking about it now, of course Laguna wouldn't say anything over a non-secured line, and especially to someone as important as Ellone.

It was now vital to find what Elle did or _did not_ know about her brother being 'not as dead' as everybody believed. As she had already mentioned Raine's ring, seemingly out of nowhere in retrospect, Rinoa didn't feel as if it was her right to tell Ellone about her brother. So far anyone who had known the truth had been told on the commander's terms – out of respect, Rinoa wanted this situation to be handled no differently.

"Elle, can you tell me what exactly Laguna said to you on the phone? Why did say he wanted you here tonight?"

"He just asked if I could please come over straight away, sounding very excited. Oh, and he mentioned that you needed a light-colored dress and asked me to bring a few. Guess I know why…"

"And nobody mentioned any _specifics_ on the way over?"

"No, it was Ward who picked me up and well, you know. Soon as I arrived, he pointed towards this room before heading back downstairs to gather the items I was asked to bring."

"There's been a huge misunderstanding. And I'm talking very, very huge."

"So, you two are not getting married?"

There had been hope in her voice, but Rinoa could sympathize. "Yes, Ellone, I am, but I can safely say that, with a hundred percent certainty, it's not to Laguna."

After the young sorceress picked herself off the floor, both figuratively and literally, she extended her hand towards Ellone. "I think you need to come with me."

"What's going on?" Ellone stood as Rinoa began leading her out of the room. At that point, Rinoa didn't care about looking like a fool in her bathrobe. It was funny how it was now the last concern in her mind.

The sorceress couldn't help but smile as they stood outside Laguna's bedroom door. "Think of it this way Elle, you just skipped to the last chapter of book without reading all the boring parts. And trust me, in this book, the ending is hopefully the best part."

"I don't understand."

"You will, but it's not my place to tell you."

Rinoa knocked on the door. "Zell, you in there?" She normally wouldn't have specified Zell but she was trying to avoid seeing Squall for the time being. They might have been avoiding most traditions, but she kind of wanted to at least follow some customs and this one in particular seemed like a good one.

"Zell, he's here? I thought that he was… Wait, are you…?"

With a small laugh, Rinoa raised her hand. She had to stop the question before it was even asked. "No, I'm not marrying him either. I just need to have a quick word with him."

The martial artist opened the door and because of the angle, he could only see Rinoa standing there. He took a long look while eying her suspiciously. "What are you doing here? More importantly, what are you wearing? Rinny, if you can hear me, blink twice if you're being digested by a large terrycloth monster that's hell-bent on world domination by absorbing one victim at a time. I know you've had problems with being junctioned in the past – first to Adel and now to an oversized terrycloth demon from beyond. Oh, the humanity…"

Rinoa folded her arms. "You are so weird. And I mean that. Weird. I have no other words to describe you."

"Ah, come on, I'm your little dork… and you know I'm your favoritest person in the world and yes, favoritest is now a word. I'm surprised you're here though. I figured you above anybody else would be up on those superstitions about not seeing the groom."

"I don't think it's against the rules to hear the bride speaking in the hall, but anyway, I have someone here to see you. She's a little lost as to what's happening. I didn't think it was my place to… explain."

"Sis!" Zell exclaimed loudly as he flung the door open.

Rinoa took this moment to excuse herself. This was a reunion that was best left for them; she already had her time and, more importantly, she didn't want to intrude.

Fresh tears trailed from Ellone's cheeks as her arms wrapped around him. "You're all right. You don't know how much I worried about you. We all worried."

Zell winced in pain, but tried to play it off with a laugh. "Um, yeah, I was kinda shot in the shoulder."

"Oh. I'm so sorry. I thought - I don't know what I thought."

"Don't be sorry, you couldn't have possibly known. It was actually a simple through-and-through and direct pressure still kinda hurts like hell, but it really doesn't bother me otherwise. And for such petite person, you hug like a Behemoth, no offence."

"None taken, although that does beg the question - how do you know what a Behemoth hugs like?" She giggled softly, stepping away. She wanted to take a good look at him, thankful for the blessing before her.

Over the last weeks, there had been a few moments where she had actually left the pain behind. Still, every moment had to end and every minute had to pass into another. She had been fighting against herself to just let this happiness be, but there were some barriers that couldn't hold.

Wiping fresh tears, she tried to remain positive. "No matter what happens, I can't believe you're here… When you were in a coma, Garden wouldn't give us any information. Kiros tried everything he could to find out… Laguna, well, he just wasn't able after…"

She looked down. It was hard to think the words, let alone speak them. So she wouldn't, at least not directly. "It's been like a nightmare I can't wake up from. It's cloudy and cold and feels unnatural. I can't even begin to explain… there's no rhyme or reason. I've seen so much reaching out to others, but I can't see that. I can't see what you saw. I don't have the strength."

Reaching her hand out, she touched his cheek, offering a weary smile. It was the most she could give, knowing the horror that could never be unseen. "Zell, I know he was like a brother to you too. He didn't die alone, he died with family. I can take solace in that."

"Um," Zell faltered, as he took her hand from her cheek and held it tightly, "Elle, look me in the eyes and think, 'why are you here?' What about this doesn't make sense? Well, okay, besides all of it - I get that. Maybe you've known, always known somehow."

"I don't understand. What does this have to do with anything?"

For some reason, he felt uncomfortably coming right out and saying it. There was a process to this, even to grieving and accepting. "Ellone, I'm standing here, not in a coma asking you why did Laguna call you tonight? If you're here for Rinoa's wedding – who would she be marrying?"

"There's only one person Rinoa should marry, but that's not possible."

Zell chuckled. "After traveling through compressed time and giving up hotdogs, I'll be the first one in line to tell you that sometimes the impossible is very possible."

Ellone's look only illustrated her confusion. Sometimes, it was beyond reason to see the obvious, the mind refusing to believe the impossible. Zell understood her reluctance and took heed in the old adage that sometimes seeing really was believing.

"Yeahhh…" he drawled out, "why don't you just follow me? Trust me, it will save me a ton of explanation."

With a smile and a slight bow, Zell extended a hand, "May I have the honor, Madame? I shall escort you to the path of enlightenment… also known as the bedroom in this case."

"Zell?" Although she took his hand, her voice was apprehensive.

He gave her a full-blown smirk. "Yeah, didn't think that one through... Rinoa's right, I really need to cut back on hanging out with Irvine. It was a joke from earlier, guess you had to be there. Let's just say, I promise things will make more sense when you step inside, 'kay?"

She nodded a reply. As he led her through the doors, he looked back at her. "Ta-da," he announced, turning to see her reaction.

It might have been selfish, but he and Squall had watched silently as all their friends mourned and Zell wanted to replace those moments with something positive - to remember the joy, not the pain. It was the little moments that would make this all worthwhile.

She cluelessly stood there, unsure of what she was supposed to see. If there was some great discovery to be found in here, she was surly missing it. The only thing she noticed was that the closet doors were half-open and that a few shirts were lying on the bed.

He turned, smiling rather sheepishly. "So much for my great timing, kinda blows the suspense, doesn't it? This obviously didn't go as planned, not like anyone around here ever follows plans anyhow."

Shaking her head, she simply didn't understand. "Zell, I'm sorry."

He raised a hand to stop her. "Hang on." Turning around, he yelled toward the en suite bathroom. "Yo, zombie boy, can you please step out here."

There was an incoherent mutter from the bathroom, but something about the grumpy undertone seemed inherently familiar...

Squall didn't look as he stepped out of the bathroom. He had been busy messing with his shirt than looking up at Zell. Plus, he had it up to here with the zombie comments; he blamed Zone for starting the whole ridiculous concept in the first place. With outward grunt, he finished adjusting the cuffs and then smoothed out the black cotton button-up shirt.

"Why do I feel more like a waiter than a…"

He paused sensing a different feel in the air, whether it was from Zell's lack of comments or maybe the near-silent gasp that his mind finally registered.

And all he could so was smile.

Neither of them said a word as he made his way to her. She opened to her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She couldn't even move. He walked up, pulling her towards him. She rested against him, but besides that, had been firmly rooted in place. He hadn't been surprised, in fact, he was quite getting used to the varying reactions he received. Yet there was one thing that each reunion had in common; he could feel how much he was loved. It was something he had easily taken for granted in the past, but it was a feeling he now coveted more than any victory in battle.

He was the first to speak. In his own way, it was an attempt at light humor to ease the mood. "You look like you've seen a ghost or, according the newest expert on the subject, a zombie."

"I have," she answered simply as tears snaked their way down her face. "Please tell me this is real."

He chuckled softly as she finally put her arms around him. "It's real. I'm real. You'd be surprised how many people keep asking me that. I think I'll get it on a t-shirt and avoid having to repeat myself."

Now it was her turn to offer a warm laugh. "You should."

Time passed in silence as both stood there, holding on to one another. In Squall's opinion, there were very few gifts worth giving, but he would give her all the time and reassurance he could offer. It might not have been a gift to some, but all those who knew Squall could see the beauty in this gesture.

"I can't believe," she managed in between tears, "I still can't believe you're standing here."

"I promise you, I am." He had already made the commitment to leave SeeD, but moments like these only solidified it. There was always danger in life, but there were some jobs that magnified the dangers tenfold. He couldn't promise forever, but he could lessen the worry. Whatever he found to do in Timber wouldn't be on the frontlines; he had fought those battlefields, now it was time to retreat. He would still find a way to train and put his knowledge to use, but he wanted to defend, to defend his friends, his family, and now, his wife. No regrets.

He could feel her pull away, ever so slightly. It was just enough to look him in the eyes.

"Squall, wait… I'm not hurting you too, am I? I didn't know about Zell's shoulder."

"To quote a friend, that's because he's a chicken wuss, plus I got way better pain killers. Don't tell him that." Squall ignored the disgusted snort that emanated from beside him. "But no, I've found a way to manage. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but I'd gladly take the pain. It reminds me how close I came and how glad I am to be alive."

"It's a long story, isn't it?"

"Uh, yeah, before I get to relive this mesmerizing tale of… _something,_ I'm going to find Kiros and see what's up," Zell announced, wanting to give them time. As an afterthought, he added, "And maybe switch your pain killers with breath mints and then we'll see who's the real chicken wuss."

Squall shook his head, paying no attention to his friend; what they had gone through over the last weeks had made ignoring Zell's comments into a new art form. If only he had learned that skill many years ago with Seifer, he mused. Then again, who knew how things may have turned out in that case.

"Yes, it's a long story…and complicated. You may want to sit down for this." Leading her over to the bed, he pushed aside a few shirts before they both took a seat. "In a nutshell, I was shot in the lung, but it was relatively clean. I only found out about Garden's plan after waking up, but it was already set in motion by then. Zell and I were put undercover for the mission. Eventually, I broke cover and headed for Timber."

She smiled knowingly. "Timber, but whatever for little brother?"

"I know, I know. Not exactly my most shining move career-wise, but personally best damn thing I've ever done. From there, I asked Rinoa to help with the mission, which eventually brought us to Esthar. We needed some information, but she couldn't lie to Laguna and when it came down to it… I couldn't either. And before you ask, he and I are never going to have some picture-perfect father and son relationship, but I'm wearing his shirt so, take that as you will. As for the mission, we have a plan for tomorrow, so hopefully we can all get back to our lives soon."

Ellone finally managed to gather the general idea of the situation, although there was one thing she could guess with some certainty. "You really didn't need Rinoa's help, did you?"

He looked at his cufflinks. "Got me there. Truthfully, the mission may not have needed her help, but I did. We wouldn't be where we are now without her. It was because of her that I'm in Laguna's house now. I doubt that I would've even spoken to him, I can pretty much guarantee that… but I'm glad it worked out this way. Very glad."

"You're getting married." Ellone stated as if the realization had finally sunk in. Now she had to laugh, resting her head against Squall's shoulder. "Thank God, you two getting married actually makes sense."

He narrowed his eyes. "Do I really even want to know?

"Probably not." She turned, wanting to look at him again. "I'm so happy for you, for both of you."

"Thank you. I can't believe I'm this nervous." He rubbed the back of his neck, which brought a smile to her face. She wouldn't ever say it out loud, but she guessed that Rinoa had witnessed the similarities too. "I suddenly have a little more sympathy for Irvine a few months back. I wasn't really that nervous asking her but, as it's getting closer, I'm definitely feeling it. Hopefully she doesn't get scared away."

"Don't be silly. There's no doubt she wants to do this as much as you… I actually talked to her first but, if it puts you at ease, she's rather nervous herself. You're never alone, Squall. We'll always be here."

"I know I'm not alone, I never was," he said sincerely. "It just took a little nudge in the right direction for me to believe it… Or, in my case, I can start a new phrase. Instead of 'a nudge in the right direction,' I'll go with, 'a bullet a few millimeters shy of my heart.' Who knows? Maybe the saying will catch on."

Ellone let out a diminutive giggle; she knew he was trying to keep it light for her sake above all else. "I can honestly say that tonight is the most I've ever heard either you or Rinoa ever talk. At this rate, you're both giving Laguna a run for his money."

"Something tells me I should be insulted, but I'm in a rather forgiving mood lately." At that point, he found himself fidgeting with his shirt, readjusting the buttons just to keep his hands occupied. The more he thought about tonight, the more he couldn't help himself from smiling.

It was official – along with the talking, he had officially smiled more in the last week than in the twenty-four years prior. He probably smiled more today than in all the years combined. "I know you've already spoken to Rin, but I'm guessing you haven't run into Laguna yet. Something tells me he's still the one who has more to say than both of us combined." He let out a grunt as he pictured Laguna bouncing off of the walls by now. It was a terrifying sight. "I just hope Rinoa doesn't realize how dysfunctional her new family will be and come to her senses."

Ellone placed a supportive hand on his arm. "Well, if you ask me, it was the both of you that finally came to your senses. I never knew what happened between you as that was your business, but the fact you two still loved each other very much was always evident. Neither of you two were that good at hiding that fact. I can safely say now that acting wasn't your forte." She pulled her hand away, folding her arms over her chest. "But, I do feel bad. I should have said more to her at the funeral… I knew what you two meant to each other, but because you were both refusing to admit it, I didn't exactly know how to approach her. I had Matron and everyone from the orphanage sitting with me but…she seemed so lost. I truly was glad when Uncle Laguna decided to stay with her so she wasn't alone."

"I know, Sis." It was still hard to talk about the funeral. Both of them knew it, but it was also the first step towards healing. "And you will never know how thankful I was to see him there for her. Laguna and I will have a lot of hurdles, but what he did then, I can't forget. Maybe there's still some hope yet."

"It's never too late to start believing in miracles. I know I've seen a few, one is sitting right next to me."

She leaned over, straightening the collar on his shirt. She could tell that because of his anxiety, he was doing more harm than good in trying to fix things that didn't need fixing. She had never seen him like this. His nervousness was enduring to her and came across as cute; he was like a child in his first school play who was afraid to step out on stage, but she wouldn't dare tell him that.

There was a knock at the door and both turned to see Zell standing against the frame. "Hey, Commander Zombie, your presence is requested in the office when you're able."

Squall would have made a comment, but the one he wanted to make wasn't exactly appropriate in present company. Although hearing the word 'commander' did remind him of something else he wanted to mention.

Standing from the bed, he extended his hand to Ellone. "Sis, so you hear it from me officially, I resigned from SeeD. I'm sure you may have assumed that much, but I wanted the truth to come from me. After we wrap-up this mission, I'm moving to Timber. I'm not blind to this - I know there'll be ups and several downs, but we're starting our life together there."

Ellone's eyes carried the same sisterly compassion as they had years ago. She would always be proud of him no matter what he had accomplished, but for the first time ever, she believed that he had followed his own path and, in her opinion, there was no greater victory.

"In all my memories, there will only a precious few that I know I'll be able to remember with such clarity, this will always be among them. Both of you wanting me to share this means the world, you being here means the world to me. I need you to know that." She took his hand in hers, reminding herself that he was real. "After the last few weeks, I could never have dreamed that I'd be standing next to you on your wedding day."

"Well, I don't think anyone in their right mind would have predicted that I'd be standing here, getting ready to get married no less."

"Wait, wait… I did! **_Yessssss_**," Zell yelled emphatically as he jumped, pumping his fist into the air.

"And do I want to know about your impromptu celebration is about?" Squall shot him a skeptical look.

"Well maybe I technically didn't predict it was going to be you getting married - as in _you-you_ \- I just meant it wasn't going to be me. Irvine is going down buddy, and I'm taking his hundred Gil with him."

Ellone leaned over, whispering in Squall's ear. "Do you understand him?"

"Unfortunately, yes." He shook his head as they continued to watch Zell's celebration party – a party of one.

"See, Sis, **_I_** won the bet – I wasn't the next of the group to get married!"

"Well, congratulations," Squall stated dryly, "I'm glad I could be of some service. Although I did say that nobody in their 'right mind' could predict this, so that does offer a valid explanation about your victory."

"Tch, fine. Whatever. I'm going back to check on the bride. Believe it or not, with my best-witness duties, I already helped her pick out a dress. See, I'm defining a new role in modern weddings. Who needs bridesmaids and groomsmen when you can have both rolled into one package of awesomeness? Not to mention, the mental support I offer as a bonus, especially seeing as she's soon going to be Mrs. Commander Grumpy."

"Very good idea," Squall managed, again gritting his teeth trying to avoid any unnecessary comments.

"Wait," Ellone ran over to Zell, "Can you give her a message for me? Tell her that I couldn't imagine Raine would want it any other way and neither would I. She'll know what I mean."

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As she smoothed the fabric of the dress out, she stared at the reflection in front of her. It was beautiful and she would always be thankful that she had this over khaki shorts. Sure, it might not have been your traditional attire but, like everything else, she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

A little while ago, Zell had knocked on the door with an armful dresses on hangers. He laughed as he explained how he'd run into Ward in the hall who then handed the dresses to him. He joked that he assumed they were for Rinoa, because they seemed a little small for Squall.

She then pulled him into the room and forced him to give opinions on the different dresses. She had said he had 'lost' by default, but honestly, she just wanted someone in there with her. He never complained or honestly didn't seem to mind, besides swearing that this could never get back to Irvine. What was even more surprising was that Zell's opinions had basis and he was surprising good at women's fashion. He begrudgingly admitted that it was from the hours that he had tagged along shopping with Alex. In confidence he did admit being dragged to the mall wasn't as horrible as he made it seem, but he had to save face, although he did draw the line at modeling now. She wanted to question his odd addition of the word 'now' but figured it was better left unasked and definitely best left un-pictured.

After going through the first few bags, they both had instantly taken a liking to same dress. Rinoa had to laugh at the fact that it meant that her tastes matched Zell's, secretly wondering if that was either really cool or really scary - she couldn't decide which, but figured it was something best not to be dwelled upon.

The dress was one of the few that weren't white, but in an ivory color. It had an embroidered silk bodice with an overlay of appliqués held up by two spaghetti straps. The skirt itself was tea-length and had multiple layers of lace ending with a satin trim. Rinoa first noticed the color, it reminded her of the first night she had met Squall. The dress really looked nothing alike, but there was something about it that she just loved – and she knew immediately that this was right.

She turned as there was a knock at the door. The door opened a crack and she heard a familiar voice.

"Are you decent in there? If you are, I'll come back in a few minutes."

"Original, you used that Selphie's wedding," Rinoa groaned loudly, "Just get in here Zell."

The martial artist entered with a huge grin. "I did? Wow, I need to come up with new lines, the old ones aren't working."

"I'm surprised," she deadpanned, "and for the life of me, I cannot understand why."

"Wow… you look absolutely beautiful." He walked in, taking a seat on the bed. "Wait, did I use that one too?"

"Well, not really, you said you didn't believe it was Selphie, and then she proceeded to kick your butt."

"That's not exactly how I remember it… but your version seems more realistic."

"So… are we about ready? The waiting is starting to get to me."

"A few more minutes, I believe. I left Squall and Ellone… stopped by the kitchen for a much-needed snack, and then came here. Can I get you anything?"

"No, no, I'm fine." She looked down to her feet. "Well, unless you brought shoes, one of those small details we all overlooked. I have sneakers… but well, no."

"I'm sure there's a joke in here somewhere, but since it's your wedding day, I'll play nice. I do really love the dress though, it's absolutely beautiful. It almost reminds me of..."

"…An angel," a female voice continued as she pushed the door open slightly. They both turned to see Ellone standing there with her hands behind her back. She softly smiled as she walked forward.

"I was invited to a masquerade fundraiser a few years ago and I used that dress for an angel costume. I left the rest of the outfit at home, but I fell in love with that dress the moment I saw it and now I know why. It's perfect."

"Thank you for bringing it. I know this is all sudden, but hopefully things make a little more sense now."

She nodded. "They do. There was only one person I could have pictured you marrying, besides, there was only one person I could have ever pictured marrying you. I couldn't be happier for either of you." She smiled. "Although you did give me quite the scare when I thought you were marrying Uncle Laguna. Looking back on it now, it is rather funny."

"Oh-my-god!" Zell nearly doubled over in laughter as he fell onto the bed. "Oh, that is too great. That almost tops winning the bet with Irvine… I'm sure Squall was thrilled. Or should I say your future step-son."

Rinoa shook her head. "You probably should have not said that in front of the peanut gallery. Now none of us will ever live it down." The only consolation Rinoa had at the moment was that Zell hadn't heard the comment from Laguna about his son and daughter getting married, although at this point, that might have been preferable.

"I'm so, so sorry." Ellone realized what her ill-timed comment had done.

"It's okay; he's had a hard few weeks. Let him have this." Rinoa shrugged, and then gently kicked his ankle, not hard, but enough to get his attention. "I'll kick the rest of his butt later, or sic Selphie and Quistis on him. Even better, I'll tell about your extensive modeling career of women's clothing."

"Again, I'm so sorry… but to make it up to you, I want you to keep the dress. I think every bride should have it for the memories, so it can be something to pass down."

"Are you sure?"

Ellone nodded, she wouldn't dream of taking it back. "Very."

"Thank you."

"Rinoa, speaking of passing things down, I know you don't have a lot of time, but I was wondering…" Ellone moved her hands from her back, holding a small group of pale-pink flowers by their stems. "When I was young, I used to pretend I was a princess. Raine was always there playing along. She'd go outside and get small flowers like these that grew around Winhill. She'd pull the sides of my hair back, weaving the flower stems into the braids. I always felt like it was a crown, like I truly was a princess… She told me her mother used to do it for her. I can't offer much, but I was wondering if you would like me to try."

Damn it. So much for the not crying thing. "I'd be honored."

"One other thing, Laguna wanted to ask do you have any preference in flowers to carry. He has roses in just about any color you can imagine. There are several others in the garden so, if you tell us your favorites, we'll do our best."

"Not roses," Rinoa answered a little too quickly. She hadn't even told Squall how she felt, how the smell reminded her of the past. Yet for some reason, she wanted to tell someone and, maybe it was something she needed to share with someone who would understand. "I'm sorry, that probably came out wrong. It's just that roses reminded of times that I'd rather leave in the past. They're beautiful, but I'd like something… different. A fresh start. I know it's not traditional, but I think we're kind of throwing tradition out the door at this point."

Ellone smiled. "Lilies, white lilies. I know Laguna has some downstairs, he grows them every year. Those are the only flowers in the entire Garden he personally takes care of - they were Raine's favorite. But please pick whatever you want, don't feel like you have to."

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. Lilies will be perfect."

"I'm on it." Zell stood up, his face still red from his bout of laughter. "I'd rather be on flower duty than to be roped into being a test-dummy for the hair braids. Contrary to popular belief, I do have my limits."

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It hadn't taken Squall long in the office. Kiros had a few details to sort through, both personal and professional. There had been a few minor adjustments with cameras that had come up, along with going over a checklist for Squall and his team's observation area tomorrow. After they had finished, both men made their way to the main balcony. Squall had been listening to Kiros, but his attention was quickly drawn outside.

The commander walked out to the terrace, looking at the hundreds of white lights wrapped around just about everything in sight. He was speechless at first, but after looking at the lights even strung above his head, he couldn't remain silent.

"This is amazing."

Laguna smiled brightly, never one to take a compliment from Squall lightly. "Thank you. Kiros and Ward had a lot to do with it."

"The lights…"

The President shrugged as if it was no big deal. "When Rinoa first moved to Timber, I knew one of the first things she did was add lights to some trees. She actually sent me pictures from her phone and then again from her computer… she must have thought about it a couple days later because that night she apologized for bothering me. I told her that she never had to say she was sorry. Even though it was a small change, I told her it was a beginning. Like people, cities don't change overnight. She mentioned once about seeing something like it in childhood and the memories stuck with her. I knew we had some in storage from some of our solstice festivals and Kiros was kind enough to dig them out. He and Ward do the hard part by stringing them; I basically just directed… badly. With my luck, the best I could manage without blacking out the entire city is plugging them in, although I guess that doesn't count for much. But, on the bright side, the city still has full power… so I'll count it as a win."

"You really paid attention to her, didn't you?"

"I did." He smiled; he always felt that he could never do much to help her, but he could listen. So he did. "I mean, I think she needed someone who could relate. I guess in a way, we both needed that support at first, but she grew into her role in Timber. I'm proud."

"Me too."

Squall walked to the edge of the patio and looked down at the garden below. "The old engagement ring is down there somewhere."

He didn't know why he was sharing this, but somehow he felt Laguna should know. His parents had played a major part in tonight, it felt right including him in the truth.

Laguna let out a soft chuckle, but didn't question the comment. Somehow, he understood. "That sounds about right."

Leaning his back on the rail, Squall turned to Laguna, "Were you able to get the thing I asked about?"

"Oh yeah, Ellone and Ward stopped on the way to pick it up. Poor girl must have really been confused about that one too."

A bright flash of light startled them; instinctively both went on the defensive.

"Relax, it was flash." With Ellone in toe, the martial artist walked outside to join the others.

"Let's not do _that_ with a madman on the loose." Squall tried to control his annoyance, but it easily shown through.

"I know, but it was so worth it. I didn't think either of you would agree to a picture and Selph will permanently maim me if I don't document this. Plus, who is going to believe you two were talking civilly without photographic proof? This kinda kills two Chocobos with one stone."

Ellone instinctively reverted into her old orphanage role as big sister and most importantly as peacemaker. "Zell, from now on, make sure everyone's aware of the flash. It's secure, but it's easy to understand why everyone is on edge. Squall, this is your wedding and years from now you'll be thankful for the pictures."

Laguna had to add his opinion in, wanted or not. "And Zell is right. Selphie scares me too…I think we're all a lot safer if there are lots and lots of pictures. Ward's taping everything too."

Kiros shook his head. "And you want pictures too, just admit it."

"…Fine." Squall hated being cornered and outnumbered. It was even worse when they had a valid point.

Ellone stepped forward. "See, everyone is happy. Anyways, we came out here to tell you we're all set. Just waiting on you guys."

Laguna smiled nervously. "I guess that's my cue."

Squall gave him a questioning look, but did not ask.

"She didn't tell you?" Laguna immediately put a hand on his forehead as he realized the idiocy of what he just asked. "Yeah, of course she didn't tell you… you haven't seen her since you left my office. Um, Rinoa sort of asked me to walk her down the aisle, that is, I mean…" he fumbled, trying to find the right words. In his mind, it was any easy thing to say, but doing it while looking into his son's eyes, not so much. "Squall, if you have a problem just say the word and I won't give-"

The commander put his hand up, stopping his father's blabbering for both of their sanity. "Yes, I have a problem. You're keeping her waiting. Get in there." Squall's lips curled into a thin smile and his expression softened. "Laguna, I don't mind at all. You've been there for her. Please don't take this wrong, but in a way, I feel like she's not joining my family, I'm joining hers. And, you know, I actually like that idea."

The President let out a nervous laugh. "It's probably better to think of it that way, because Caraway is totally going to kick your ass."

"He is, he really, really is." Squall unfortunately agreed.

Some reactions were impossible to predict and some were pretty much fact, Caraway's reaction was both. Squall almost added, _"If you think he's going to be angry now, wait to we have kids."_ But honestly, the last thing he wanted to do was plant that seed into Laguna's head.

Of course, this also begged the question, why it had even popped into his own? Hopefully, a child was very far down the road; the idea was still scary as hell but, like having a meaningful conversation with Laguna, the thought became a little more bearable.

Laguna felt for his son as he'd had his own run-ins with Deling's favorite General. It never ended well. "Just give him time. For some people, it takes longer, but it's worth it."

"Subtlety is not your strong suit, is it?"

"You know Squall, I've been told that before, but I still find hard to believe." Laguna took his chances, extending his hand to Squall. "But before I leave, I wanted to wish you luck. Also, wanted to let you know, son or not, if you hurt her in any way, Caraway won't be the only one kickin' your ass. Is that subtle enough?"

Squall looked at his father's hand and shook his head. He swore to himself this was a one-time deal. This night was meant to break down walls or, maybe in their case, chip away at them. Before he did this, Squall did have one thing that needed to be stated to all bystanders, especially to one in particular. The commander turned around, doing his best to sound as imposing as possible. "Don't even think of taking a picture. Seriously, I'm warning you, don't."

Ignoring Laguna's out-stretched hand, Squall stepped forward and pulled Laguna into a loose embrace. It was awkward, like the one at the resort the night before, but it was done completely on Squall's terms and that made all the difference.

Nobody standing outside on the terrace would deny what this meant. They also knew it probably owed more to the events of the evening than to anything else. Then again, it wasn't like the commander to get caught up in emotions; he had spent his life learning to compartmentalize his feelings. Even Laguna understood Squall's action was because of his continued relationship with Rinoa, rather than a son accepting a father.

But, at that moment, the path they took to get here didn't matter - the result was the same.

A second or two had passed before an invasive flash cut through the night, Squall felt annoyed, but not surprised. Sadly, he had guessed his warning would heed little in the results department. After breaking apart, Squall turned and glared at the martial artist. He had to at least play the part; he wouldn't let the façade crumble completely.

Zell shrugged shoulders, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry, figured Rin would wanna see."

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There was no music, no bridesmaids, no throngs of people waiting anxiously, but none of that mattered. When she looked in the mirror this time, she no longer thought of it as 'a last time' but rather as the gateway to many new firsts.

When she heard the knock, Rinoa couldn't help but smile. There would be no more waiting, no more time for reminiscing, no more time to think about could've beens, should've beens, or even time to forge regrets.

…There was still time to be nervous, but hopefully that too would pass.

As she stepped out of the bedroom, Laguna was there to greet her with a warm smile and a supportive arm. He stood like a true gentleman, outwardly appearing as the epitome of regal, but inwardly, he was anything but. Rinoa could see through his nerves; she shared them equally.

The President had not been overdressed, thankfully deciding against a uniform or a robe. Instead, he opted to match the casual atmosphere, donning a white button-up shirt. His hair was down and fell well below his shoulders. Rinoa couldn't recall a time, that wasn't in a photograph at least, where his hair wasn't in his trademark ponytail. It was so rare to see him like this, not only in his appearance but the way he seemed so free from burden. In this moment, she even saw traces of Squall in him, but those were observations best kept to herself though it wasn't enough to prevent the smile that graced her lips.

Laguna escorted her down the hallway, both unusually silent. He would occasionally glance in her direction, but Rinoa didn't react. Truthfully, she was concentrating on the simple things in life like walking and breathing. The closer they got the main balcony, the more difficult those two actions became. She hadn't even noticed when her lax grip around his arm had turned into something more Selphie-eque. She smiled apologetically as she loosened her death grip. The funny thing was Laguna noticed, but never once minded; he was glad to be there for her. If support meant losing blood circulation to his hand for a second, he would gladly allow it. Rinoa would never know what these moments meant to him and, by extension, to Raine, who he never once doubted was walking right along with them.

As they rounded the corner, her eyes were immediately drawn to the countless bulbs that illuminated the darkness; it might have gone against better judgment not to look at the groom, but the small, twinkling lights were a breath of familiarity. In their spell, she couldn't help but stand there in awe. As she looked around the terrace, she could truly believe that the lights were stars and not only were they getting married under them, but they were truly going to be standing around them as well. It was a silly, romantic notion but, tonight she felt like she was walking among the heavens themselves.

The rest of the world could keep their thousands of Gil spent on decorations; this was the simplest thing she could have ever imagined and yet, it was easily the most beautiful.

Right then, her mind willed her to look at Squall, an act of conscience she had been saving for just the right moment. As their eyes met across the distance, she couldn't help but feel something akin to nervous peace. It was simply one of those things in her life that could never be explained, but that it was something she just knew. The once fairytale-like knight had all but vanished - standing in front of her now was not an idealistic fantasy, but the man she loved with all her heart - faults and all.

"He's perfect."

The words slipped from her thoughts before she could stop them, but she wouldn't correct herself because she had honestly meant it. However, she would expand a little. "Tonight is perfect… Everything is beautiful. Laguna, I don't know how I can ever thank you."

"Never think you have to thank me. I'd give you two anything if it's within my power. Whatever you need – ever – just ask."

"Just be there, that's all. As a friend and as family." She took on last deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. Turning back towards Laguna, she found her courage. "Ready?"

He let out a small laugh. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

He tried to hide his tears, but she could easily tell – once more, she shared them.

Leaning over, she placed a kiss on his cheek. "We're in this together."

"Together then," he whispered as his hand clamped over hers. Neither could tell who was more nervous as both found a way to cover it well. As they took their first steps forward, their strength united them, but the memories of two spirits guided them.

From where he was outside, all Squall could do was watch and marvel at her ability to find the beauty in everything, even the simple fascination she found with festival lights. To him, they would have just been a twinkling annoyance, a drain on funds, but to her, they represented hope for the future by linking to memories of the past.

And so he stood in silent reverence.

A warm night, a full moon, close friends, and newfound family - it was everything he never imagined and everything he always wanted.

He knew this was a battle he would never regret waging; he knew that every minute from this one forward would be gifts defined by chance. This was the accumulation of so many factors - a madman's agenda, a misguided bullet, Garden's elaborate hoax, Rinoa's recorded confessions, him deciding to take control of his own life, and her for accepting him for it. They both had faults, but they learned that they weren't a weakness together, but rather a strength. He didn't know how all these fates had finally aligned, but somehow they did and, just as he told her earlier, there were no regrets.

Several months ago, he watched her walking down the church aisle, a stranger he tried to deny. Now, with every step, he realized just how much he had been lying to himself - she had been no different. They were both trying to pretend, but not anymore. Never again.

There was something almost poetic about the moment to him, not only because of the similarities to his parents' ceremony, but because of something that was reminiscent about the first night he ever saw her. Her dress was about the same color, but much longer now; her hair was partially pulled back with what appeared to be small flowers, but the moment their eyes met – both then and now - he felt like they were the only two people in the world. Back then, the feeling was so unfamiliar it almost made him want to run, if his legs would have been able. But tonight, all he wanted to do was run to her.

If he had known that she'd be walking towards him like this five years ago when she'd approached him in the ballroom, he might have been a tad bit more cooperative about dancing with her.

…Then again, that wouldn't have been much of a story to retell years later.

Three months ago in Balamb, outside after the wedding, he remembered the times she walked away from him, but tonight the only thing that was important was that she was now walking towards him.

He watched Laguna give her a hug, one that she returned in kind. Squall had not meant to look at his father, but even they had a passing moment of understanding and the commander nodded. Regardless of the past, he was thankful that his father was there for Rinoa.

Rinoa clung to the lilies in her hand, as she looked back to Squall.

"Hey," she smiled nervously.

"Hey to you too." Looking down, he noticed her bare feet. He couldn't help the lopsided grin, as there was something quirky about her, but endearing nonetheless.

Neither knew what to expect; they weren't exactly versed on the traditions of Estharian weddings, nor had they even bothered to ask. Then again, it wasn't like Squall was very versed on weddings in general either. His mind had pretty much forgotten most of Irvine and Selphie's as his focus hadn't been on the ceremony as much as it had been on regrets.

Rinoa was only vaguely aware when Zell reached for the lilies during this moment, just as Squall was only vaguely aware that Kiros had instructed them to hold hands. As they faced one another, Rinoa was caught off-guard when Squall leaned over, giving her an unscripted kiss on the lips.

In corner of her mind, she could hear Zell utter, 'Hey!' while Ellone and Laguna exchanged a small laugh. Kiros merely shook his head, realizing that like his father, Squall wasn't really one to wait for instructions, often doing things on his own terms.

"You looked nervous," he whispered in explanation.

She bit her lip, with a faint reply, "Maybe… a little."

"Don't be," he reassured, squeezing her hand in sign of familiarity both had come to understand. "But if it makes you feel better, I do too."

"It really, kinda does." She then giggled timidly, looking down from embarrassment. He shook his head, momentarily releasing one of her hands to lift her chin.

As they looked eye-to-eye, he added, "You look beautiful."

She gave him a genuine smile, but couldn't answer.

After watching his friends, Zell couldn't help but lean over to the groom. "You know Kiros is supposed to be doing the talking, right?"

Squall and Rinoa exchanged a private laugh, finding the irony that Zell had basically told Squall to be 'be quiet' during his own wedding.

Kiros opened with a few words on marriage, although Rinoa and Squall were basically in their own private world. The aide had the sense to keep it short; he knew it wasn't about the fanfare, but about the meaning behind it. At that point, he had asked – twice in fact, as the first time went unanswered - if they would like to say their own vows.

Truthfully, neither knight nor sorceress had rehearsed or practiced any words as everything they could think of had already been said earlier in the night. Still, he needed to do this; he wanted to not only open himself up to her, but to do so with others around.

It might not have been the most eloquent speech, but he needed to make a promise to her in front of others – one that wasn't scripted by tradition. This was not only for them, but to finish the story started by his parents and to give them the ending that they had been denied.

"There are thousand things I could say and a thousand things I have already said. But the words that matter are the ones you already know. It's never been easy for me to say this out loud, even when the feelings seem so natural but, I want to say it now, in front of everyone – friends, family, my father, our mothers – I love you Rinoa Heartilly."

Again, he stepped forward, letting his hand gently cup her face. Just as he had done on the balcony earlier, he placed a few butterfly kisses along the path formed from her tears. As a final statement, he placed a tender kiss on her lips once more. He didn't care about the traditional rules – they were only guidelines.

This was their story to write; there was no right or wrong tonight.

His thumb wiped away the tears his lips had missed. To her alone, he finished his earlier statement by whispering, "…And I always have, please know that."

"I do."

"And I've always loved you too…no matter our past, I only want this future."

"I do too."

Zell leaned in to Kiros, giving him a friendly piece of advice. "I forgot to mention, they tend to follow their own script."

"I've known Laguna for a very long time, I understand this tendency well." Kiros shook his head with a wistful smile. He leaned towards the martial artist. "Honestly, they only need something honoring their commitment, consent from both, and a witness or two. They've met the criteria on their own so who are we to argue how they arrived? Do you have the rings?"

Taking the cue, Zell handed both rings to Kiros. Honestly, there was a normal spoken dialog for this, but he knew it would most likely be in vain. Squall was handed the ring first to place on Rinoa's finger.

"Go ahead," Kiros instructed.

For a second, he held the ring in his palm. He wanted to remember this for everything it was, for everything it meant. He wasn't the type to pray or talk to the dead, but in that moment, he mentally wanted to share this with his mother, _"Thank you Raine for helping me get here. Watch over her, over us, over our family. Thank you for the ring too. Somehow, I know this is what was meant to be."_

He smiled as he said the words to himself, truly hoping that Nida was right. He somehow felt comforted by the fact his mother was part of his conscience.

Rinoa smiled and never questioned why he paused for those few seconds. As he slipped the silver band onto her finger, he had never felt such peace within himself.

"No regrets," she whispered softly, holding her hand to look at the ring on her finger.

"None." His tone carried held more assurance than either of them could ever recall hearing before.

Next, Kiros stepped forward, handing the second ring to Rinoa. She accepted it in silence, taking another breath to compose herself. She wasn't surprised by how calm Squall was or how his steady hand was a contrast to hers. It was strangely comforting when her knight sensed she needed help, guiding her without a word to help place the ring on his finger. She wanted to laugh at herself, but only mustered a smile.

She couldn't help but wonder if he had only helped her because, at the rate she was shaking, she was very likely to have missed his finger entirely, and the ring would have ended up rolling right off the balcony. It would have been just her luck, but he was there, beside her every step of the way. When she finally got it on, he reached for her hand, placing them palm to palm. Together, they kept their hands up so the two rings were visible to not only them, but for everyone to see.

Then he repeated the words she had spoken. "No regrets."

"None."

At that point, she interlocked their fingers as Kiros started speaking again. They kept their hands up, but momentarily turned to face him.

"Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter to the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other." Kiros closed the small book, as if to signify they had reached the end of the ceremony.

Squall turned back to Rinoa. "It fits."

"I sort of liked the rain."

He had to smile at the memory. "We'll find a compromise."

She barely managed a smile before he pulled her into their first kiss as husband and wife. All the 'last times' would never matter; they had a world of 'firsts' waiting for both of them.

Ellone held on to Laguna, watching her little brother and his wife – it was still shocking and would take getting used to, but she couldn't have been any happier for either of them. Tonight certainly wasn't anything she would have expected from the normally-reserved man, but she also knew that this was truly a once-in-a-lifetime event. She also couldn't have been happier for Laguna – maybe this way, he could get closure on so many regrets of the past.

Ward stood silent, taping the whole thing. Zell had insisted on it, hoping that it might buy him some sort of reprieve from the wrath of Selphie, though probably very little. It was for Irvine and Quistis too, although they would have been less vocal, but somehow he knew they would want to be part of this, even just in memory. It also gave him more conviction than ever to as Alexandra to marry him.

Kiros and Laguna smiled at each other, both knowing that the past had come around in full circle. It wasn't about regrets, but about hope. The President never doubted that Julia and Raine were there, probably crying along with him. This night reminded him of his wedding, yet it held its own special place. He could never compare the two. He had to pause, and smile up at the moon. Somewhere, someplace, she was watching.

"I love you," he whispered. Ellone didn't say anything, but he could feel the reassuring hug. She'd already known that – they all did.

In the end, her wedding had not been the one she had dreamed or the obligation he had thought. What either had expected certainly didn't happen, but that didn't matter – it was theirs and theirs alone.

...And it was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lines Kiros read from the small book are from the Apache Blessings. Although, as reference, there has been any known connection to the Apache; it is a 'traditionalesque' and is not associated with any religion. I thought it worked well, plus, darn it... it had rain in there.


	27. The Mind's Eye

  


**Chapter Seventy-Four: The Mind's Eye**   


He had woken up well before dawn. Over the years, he had become used to the lack of sleep, but last night he couldn't say that. It might have been short but, the hours he'd managed to get in were very refreshing; that alone was something rather foreign to him. In the past, he would have gotten up and gone to his office, maybe the training center, wanting to be anywhere but his bed - especially if there was someone next to him.

Yet this morning, he stayed.

It took all his will not to wake her, but he knew that she needed her rest - not everybody was on his ridiculous time schedule. He also swore when this was over, she would get a real honeymoon, something that didn't involve capturing psychotic serial killers the next afternoon. He had watched her sleep in Timber, but now he wasn't watching his girlfriend sleep, but rather his wife. To his surprise there wasn't anything startling about that phrase – _his wife._

It felt foreign, but not wrong.

Squall smiled as he picked out an errant flower stem from her hair, an obvious carry over from last night's ceremony. He would always think that their wedding had mirrored their relationship. It was simple but intricate. It was a firestorm of emotions, but also the greatest peace he had ever known. It would always be there as a memory, something that he hoped he would recall much more than all this fears from the years before in the long run

He had lost track of how long he had been immersed in these thoughts, but as the sun broke through the curtains, he knew it had probably been hours. He decided to get up and shower, giving her a few more minutes of rest. It hadn't taken long before he found himself partially-dressed and sitting on the empty side of the bed.

His hand gently went through her hair as he softly whispered. "Rin, hey…you need to get up."

She rolled away from him, but not before grabbing the pillow he had been using. Placing it over her head, her muffled voiced practically begged, "Just ten more minutes. Please."

"What have I gotten myself into?" he asked with a small chuckle.

"No, what have I gotten _myself_ into?" she corrected, still talking through the feathery barrier. "Tell me what in the world possessed me to marry a morning person?"

Taking the pillow from her head, he placed it back to her side of the bed. "Apparently, you can't help who you fall in love with. I learned that the hard way but, as a conciliation prize, at least there is coffee."

She slowly turned around and managed to pry one eye open. "You made coffee?"

"Well, no, but I can smell it… so I know someone did, but I do have a present for you."

"A present? How?" She opened both eyes, looking at him skeptically. "Did you go sleep-shopping in the middle of the night?"

"Not exactly. As you might recall my finances aren't the best… although I guess they're doing a lot better since I got married."

"Funny, very funny."

"I try." He turned, looking at something just out of sight to her. "I know it's not much, but I wanted to get you something."

"Squall, you know I never expect anything from you." In that moment, she felt bad. Never once did she want him to think that she wanted any material items from him. Sure, she joked about things like hot tubs and espresso makers, but nothing was ever going to make her as happy as waking up next to him… although she guessed that it would be more of a metaphorical thing. There were inherent dangers of marrying a morning person after all.

He leaned over, giving her a lingering kiss on the lips. "I know, but I wanted to do this. I'd like to think of it as something for both of us. Although even I've got to admit that it is rather unorthodox."

Sitting up, she looked at him questionably, as he got off the bed and headed towards the balcony doors. He didn't go outside but opened the curtains instead. Rinoa shielded her eyes from the sunlight, but could make out what appeared to be a tree slightly smaller than she was.

"Is that a…?"

He sat back on the bed, giving her another kiss on the lips. As he pulled away, he softly whispered, "It's a sapling. Someone once asked me if I ever planted a tree and watched it grow from a sapling. I hadn't. So I thought that it's about time I did… or rather we did – together."

She smiled as a thousand childhood memories suddenly mixed with this moment. "I don't believe it."

"Well, I guess it's time to start believing. …And trust me, I learned all about the differences between a seedling and a sapling, which I'll file that under 'things I never knew I wanted to know.' This one is about five years old and I thought it seemed appropriate since it was about the time we met." He reached for her hand, his fingers gently twisting her wedding band. "And if for some reason lightning ever does strike it once, twice, whatever - we'll plant another, and then another… I promise you this."

"I can live with that." She smiled, placing her arms around his shoulders.

"You should get up," he urged, motioning his head toward the bathroom.

"I _should_… but damn it, if I'm going to have to be woken up at some godforsaken hour in the morning after my wedding, I'm at least going to make the most out of it."

"Mrs. Leonhart, whatever are you saying?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

After he said it, they both looked at one another; there was that moment of realization that was the first time either had said it out loud – it was the first time _anyone _had said it. Somehow, it had been overlooked during the ceremony last night, something which both could take partial responsibility for.

"I'm not the one getting up – you're the one coming back to bed."

* * *

It had been nearing eleven o'clock when Rinoa had looked at her phone to check the time. She tiredly stretched as her eyes looked around Laguna's living room. She had been finding it hard to concentrate, but was doing her best to keep up. Squall, Zell, and Laguna had gone into the office nearly an hour ago and she found herself spending more time chewing the end of her pen than thinking about anything substantial. She had been realistic about the situation, knowing her presence would hinder more than it would help, and so she had opted to stay out here and study countless folders about Duncan Sirtis.

To pull herself out of the self-induced trance she found herself in, Rinoa stood up from her chair and headed over to the myriad of pictures on the wall. She realized that after all her dealings with Laguna, she had been no better than Squall in trying to avoid coming here. There was something different about talking to him for countless hours on the phone, or seeing him in various places around the world. Looking at the pictures on the wall, she knew exactly why it had been so hard to be here – memories.

Looking at the pictures now, Rinoa also had a sad realization – Laguna never once believed Squall would come here. If he had thought it was a possibility, he wouldn't have had so many pictures of him up. This was the only way the President ever feel part of his son's life, the photographic diary of his life was undeniable proof. Most of Squall's pictures were press shots, a few from younger days, and quite a few that she suspected only Selphie could be behind – maybe the sorceress hadn't been the only one continuing contact with the President. One thing for sure, not one picture had been taken by him as they all were from secondary sources. _Sources_ that helped him glimpse into his son's otherwise closed-off life.

There were other subjects there too. Some of Ellone during various ages, older pictures with people who looked as if they could very well be his parents, both candid and posed shots of Raine, and even Kiros and Ward in what looked like their graduating class in the Galbadian military. She smiled as there were even several pictures of her. Some with Squall during their years together, some publicity-related ones from her appointment in Timber, and a few of her and Laguna – even a duplicate of the one she had on her desk. Although he had told her this before, looking at this wall made her realize that she already was a part of this family and she had been for quite some time.

She giggled at one that was probably taken at the orphanage. All the children were dressed up, but the only ones smiling at the camera were Ellone and Edea. Squall looked irritated, Irvine's hand appeared to be pinching Selphie, who was grimacing although also managed a 'peace symbol' with her fingers. Seifer looked outright mad, Zell was making a face and Quistis was looking at all the chaos surrounding her.

Rinoa couldn't help but smile as she realized that their wedding picture would be among the collection soon. It was just one moment in time, but now it would be captured forever along with the hundreds of countless memories on the wall. She decided that when this was all over, they would have to return and hear the story behind each one. After spending a few more minutes looking, she turned around and headed back to the table.

It had been a nice break, one that helped remind her about the true importance of this mission. Taking a few sips of her now-lukewarm coffee, she was surprised when she heard the back door. Placing the coffee down, she grabbed her pen and started looking through the folders again. She kept looking towards the kitchen, waiting for someone to walk in. She knew that she shouldn't be nervous, they were in a secure location, but there was always that lingering doubt. A few moments later, Kiros stepped around the corner. She had been slightly surprised to see him as he had been in charge of working with the SeeDs, but it wasn't totally unexpected either. As he stood there for a moment, the slight hesitation coloring his actions struck her as odd but she dismissed it as her own doubts creeping through.

He scanned the room, making sure that they were truly alone before he began. "Rinoa, Commander Rachels has asked to speak directly to you. Given the enigmatic situation, I felt compelled to check with you first. If you would prefer, I can offer her your apologies."

"Ah… what?" Rinoa asked in confusion as she bit at the end of her pen a little harder than before. It was a bad habit, she knew, but couldn't help herself. Kiros was usually formal, but for some reason, nothing he said had even remotely registered in her mind. He could have been speaking another language and it still wouldn't have made much difference.

To her surprise, he broke his typical rigid stance, jerking his head to the side and glancing back at the kitchen. Either Kiros was trying to communicate by a series of charades, or she was even more tired than any amount of caffeine could possibly cure. Rinoa's eyes traveled between the kitchen and the aide, wondering what massive clue she was escaping her.

"Commander Rachels would like to address you," he spoke formally, but then his voice dropped to just above a whisper, "I can say you're unable – if you would rather."

"Is um… who?" Rinoa spoke slowly, still trying to figure out this rather awkward exchange.

"Commander Lauren Rachels, Balamb Garden."

"Oh fu-" Rinoa muffled a trail of profanities, quickly placing her hand over her mouth.

She _knew_ that. Yet somehow, the last name had slipped her mind or maybe that had been a conscientious choice. She had only heard Lauren's surname a scattering of times, but honestly tried to put it out of her mind just as fast. True, it might have been a rather shallow approach, but at least now Rinoa could admit that she cared instead of pretending to be indifferent.

Now that Rinoa was clued in, she surmised that Lauren was most likely within earshot range by the way Kiros was acting. Unfortunately, Rinoa hadn't caught on quickly enough and the longer he waited, the more awkward this had become. She couldn't exactly come up with a good reason not to see her without looking like she was '_trying to come up with a good reason not to see her.'_

"And I see the honeymoon continues," Rinoa sarcastically muttered under her breath. She knew that Lauren couldn't hear that, but Kiros had as he responded with a rare smile.

The comment had been uncalled for, but meeting her husband's girlfriend was not exactly how she'd pictured the first day of marriage. It would be easy to make up some excuse, but that would be the simple way out and most likely counterproductive. If Lauren was asking to speak with her, there was a reason; Rinoa highly doubted that the interim commander wanted to coo over the latest fashion in shoes.

There was no way out, besides running from the room screaming. It may have been tempting, but certainly not tactful. Rinoa might not have been a fan of Lauren, but given the fact that she was a sorceress, it may be a good strategy not to make an enemy out of someone who would most likely be commanding an elite force of mercenaries trained to kill her. Oh yes, this just got better with every thought.

"I, um… yeah, send her in," she said the words hurriedly, getting them out before changing her mind.

At the same time, Rinoa waved towards Kiros as a gesture to let her in. When her hand crossed in front of her face, a flash of silver caught her eye. She held a quick mental debate on whether to remove her ring or not as it certainly couldn't be seen by Lauren. Still, she had made a promise to herself not to take it off unless it was unavoidable. In this case, it was avoidable by keeping her hand out of sight. She hoped the visit would be a quick in-and-out, most likely a 'pep talk' about Garden doing their best to bring justice for Squall.

In a matter of seconds, the sound of heels echoed against the floor. Rinoa tried to keep up the façade of indifference as she looked up, but couldn't help but wonder how 'practical' it was to be wearing heels on a mission. She tried to push back the petty thoughts as Kiros stepped to the side and allowed the young SeeD to pass. The aide nodded to both women with a curt smile, before dismissing himself – clearly Rinoa believed him to be the lucky one.

As Lauren approached in full dress uniform, Rinoa felt that entirely all too familiar feeling of intimidation creeping in. It was the same tired feeling she had come face-to-face with often, dating back to the first day she met Squall. To say she felt inferior would be stretching it, but Rinoa knew that there was an aura that nearly every SeeD conveyed.

Garden meant discipline, it meant training, it meant being able to think on your feet - having both the understanding and sense to back the actions up. Living at Garden, Rinoa always found herself intimidated by this; it was the acceptance and high-esteem Quistis had, the respect Xu commanded whenever she walked into a room, and even the resourcefulness of Selphie.

Years ago, Rinoa waited for the day Squall would decide that _that_ was the type of person who was better suited to understand him. She would be the first to admit that her thoughts were born out of insecurity. She hadn't the formal training or education and acted more on whim rather than reason. At first, these faults were magnified being in close quarters with Quistis and Selphie, but as time went on, the fears ebbed, but never completely faded. Truthfully, by the end, a lot her fears probably had transferred onto Squall.

And now, seeing Lauren again in full dress uniform, brought every one of those insecurities to light. Maybe it was a very ill-timed revelation, but Rinoa realized in some really round-a-bout way that Squall had done exactly what she had feared. Her doubts prompted her to ball her hand into a fist and as she did, she could feel the outline of the ring. It was enough to bring her back, to remember that her emotions had obviously been running high and no matter what. There was never a comparison in Squall's mind – so she needed to stop the ones in hers.

"Miss Heartilly," Lauren addressed formally.

A small part of her wanted to correct the SeeD about the title, but that was just the pettiness talking again. Still, she couldn't help the small amount of joy the thought had given her.

"You can call me Rinoa, I mean, after everything… and all." Inwardly, Rinoa winced at her awkward comment; to speak without sounding completely asinine around Lauren always seemed like an impossible task.

"May I sit down?"

"Sure, um, yeah… that's fine." Taking a seat didn't bode well in Rinoa's mind - so much for her hope of a quick in-and-out rally of 'go team SeeD.'

Closing the folders in front of her, Rinoa made sure to keep her left hand out of sight. She also hoped Lauren hadn't looked too closely at the material in front of her. How would she explain reading the suspect's background file? At that point, Rinoa looked over to the woman seated across from her and to her surprise, and slight horror, Lauren had removed her uniform jacket. The fact that the commander seemed to be making herself comfortable wasn't reassuring in the least. There was at least one positive side to this; the white, button-up sleeveless shirt the SeeD wore underneath actually made her appear less intimidating.

Lauren rested her arms on the table, leaning slightly forward. Rinoa had flashbacks to a Dollet police precinct and being interrogated by the detective. She suddenly found her mouth going dry and instinctively reached for her coffee. The fact that her hand was slightly trembling probably wasn't a good thing either.

"Rinoa, I know this is uncomfortable and I apologize for that, but right now, I don't want you to think of me as a SeeD or in any way connected with Garden. I wouldn't say 'friend' because we both know that's not the situation, but… let's say as two people with certain friends in common."

"…Okay," Rinoa hesitantly replied. She was happy that she had managed to set the coffee cup back down without spilling its contents everywhere.

It seemed that the more Lauren relaxed, the opposite held true for Rinoa and her tension multiplied. For her sanity, she hoped that 'certain friends in common' was a reference to either Selphie, Quistis, Irvine, or Zell. Hell, even the guy at the front gates, anybody but…

"More specially, Squall."

Well, there went any hope of getting out of this with a bit of grace and dignity.

"Rinoa, I don't want to put you on the spot and I know that's how it's coming across."

"I um… I mean, we can talk about him, but maybe in a few days?"

Her mind was desperately searching for a plausible excuse. If Sirtis could just be captured the remainder of this conversation would probably never have to occur. Clearing her throat, Rinoa tried her damndest to channel Squall's mannerisms. Maybe if she said something that sounded ultra SeeD-like, Lauren would find herself agreeing. "I know how demanding being in command can be and I'll be glad to sit down with you later… But I'd never forgive myself if you didn't use this chance to run through scenarios with Esthar's security. Personally, I don't want anyone else to experience losing someone they care about. I'm fairly sure that Squall would back me... if he could. You know him, always planning and re-planning. Work to the best of your ability and everything else."

Maybe that would buy her some time or maybe it wouldn't. She suddenly wondered if she had made any sense at all or if she was just throwing out a bunch of random words that Squall had said at one point or another.

Lauren smiled and leaned back into her chair. She truly felt bad for putting the other woman on the spot and _would have_ avoided this conversation completely, if it had been feasible; it was more than evident that it was Rinoa's wish as well. One thing Rinoa said rang true above all else though – Lauren did want this done to the best of her ability, to the best of SeeD's ability and that was precisely why she was sitting here.

"Rinoa, maybe it would be easier if I was more direct. I know my timing may seem a little off but, trust me, it's not. It's actually timing that's been a key element here. Headmaster Kramer has been very limited in the information he has released to us. In fact, until about two hours ago, neither my team nor myself were aware of the shooter's identity. The headmaster has made it an unwritten policy of keeping us in the dark, which in and of itself isn't particularly rare. In our line of work, need-to-know really is the norm. However, what does stand out is timing – _your_ timing. You always seemed to be one step ahead of us – first Fisherman's Horizon and now Esthar."

Rinoa froze. She had no idea where this was going, but her overwhelming fear was that Lauren was somehow going to try to link the attacks with her movement. Maybe she was interpreting this wrong, but suddenly it was no longer reminiscent of a police interrogation - it _was _one.

"I came here to visit Laguna. That's all. He's been a friend for years. Please feel free to check with anyone, including our friends. I was traveling by ground so I_ had _to go through FH to get here."

Ironically, that was probably the most assertive she had been towards Lauren, if not slightly defensive.

Lauren gave a nod as she ran a hand through her hair. Rinoa couldn't help but stare, wholly in shock; there was an undertone in her mannerisms that was frighteningly reminiscent of as Squall.

"Rinoa, please know I'm not trying to insinuate or accuse you of anything negative. Don't feel as if you need to establish an alibi. That's not at all what I'm getting at… I guess it's my fault for still being evasive. Honestly, I think we're both trying to tread around mentioning Squall's name directly. What I was doing was trying to do was offer you some background into my thinking. But I think the best thing I can do is stop dancing around the truth. The fact is we all want this mission to end successfully. But to ensure that SeeD has the best chance at making this happen, there has to be honest and open communication between their leaders. I'd like to talk to him, but given the circumstances, I felt it was a necessary courtesy to speak with you first."

"Him? As in Laguna?" Rinoa barely managed, hoping she wouldn't pass out from forgetting out to breathe.

"No, not Laguna." Lauren shook her head. "Rinoa, as you well know, this job is a based on fact, but sometimes intuition does come into play. We've trained in-depth to watch how people react in certain situations. For example, during the funeral, active SeeDs were told to be on the lookout for anything suspicious – don't worry, your behavior then was what would be considered normal, as well as all of Squall's close friends. In fact, everything that happened was rather expected - that is, until the _unexpected_… which happened one night by means of a phone call. A call, if you can recall, was someone asking about a donated a tree. There were other people you could have called and, let's face it – if it had been your choice, I would have been the last person in the world you wanted to speak with. I never really understood why you'd chosen me, that is, unless you needed the information immediately."

Rinoa inhaled deeply, she really couldn't deny that. If she thought it was awkward talking to Lauren then, she could easily say it was a thousand more times awkward talking to her here, in person.

"It wasn't that alone," the interim commander continued, knowing how this must have felt. No matter how it seemed, Rinoa was never the one on trial. Lauren was trying to explain how a series of events, ones that most likely Rinoa had no choice in, led her to her conclusion. "The main clue was in FH. When I was leading the SeeD team, I had only learned that Blalock's murder was in any way connected to the political shootings literally minutes before you showed up. Until then, we were under the impression that we were working on securing a crime scene. Yet, when I just happened to run into you at FH, you, unlike everyone else in town, never questioned why SeeD was called in a stabbing. Even more impressive was that you had already made the connection between the murders. Honestly, there was no way you could have known that without committing the crimes yourself, working with the person who did, or working with someone who was also investigated the case – not to mention, _someone_ who was more privy to information than we were. I ruled out the first two, which pretty much left that you were also working on this… with someone who apparently trusted you more than the headmaster trusted us."

She realized that Lauren _had _known for quite some time. In fact, Squall pretty much confirmed it; he just simply brushed over it, which was probably wise of him at the time. Rinoa put a hand on forehead, looking down and the table, trying to make sense of it all. "You told me to talk to Blalock's daughters. I remember."

"I did. They wouldn't talk to SeeDs, but I thought… well, I thought you might have had a chance of gaining their trust. Apparently, it worked."

Rinoa could only nod her head as the reality sank in. Squall had told her point blank that Lauren had helped her, but Rinoa never once equated 'helping' with 'knowing.'

"The truth is you're not mourning anymore, Rinoa. And while I completely understand that you could put a lot of effort into finding the person who killed Squall, I highly doubt that's the case. I already spoke to Laguna today, along with a few soldiers who are running security from Esthar's end. I tend to avoid gossip, but buzz among the ranks is that the President is in better spirits than he has been in weeks – again rather suspect timing. And although I'm sure he's glad you're here 'visiting,' I don't think that alone is what's making him smile again. And probably the biggest, _biggest_ give away is that you're still sitting here. If I had been wrong, you would have told me by now, more than likely lashed out quite vocally, or walked away at the very least."

"I don't suppose me walking away right now would do any damn good at this point." The sarcastic remark was meant more as a reprimand to herself than an answer to Lauren.

"No, not really." The SeeD was determined to block all means of escape. "Listen, I'm not here to upset you – nor do I have any intention of interfering with your personal life. Right now, I'm just trying to explain how I reached this conclusion. And before you ask, the answer is _no. _I haven't talked about my observations with anyone else - including the headmaster. I think it's important to note that as a matter of trust between us. This isn't some master plan. I wouldn't have even asked if I didn't believe communication with him would help everyone. The rest of the team won't even know who I'm speaking with; it will be a two-way device."

Lauren doubted the next words would make any difference, but she said them anyhow. "Please know I'm happy for you. I'm happy for him… and I'm fully aware that coming from me, that seems a little contrived. But it's the truth so take it for what it's worth."

Rinoa opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. She knew that she had been backed into a corner and there was no way to conceivably deny it. Lauren was right - the moment she didn't protest, she all but admitted guilt. If this had come up at the funeral, she wouldn't have sat here and listened. She would have been enraged, upset, stunned or too upset to hear the lies, but certainly not silent. A morose part of her brain even recalled Squall's comments last night – when Rinoa was worried about Lauren's reaction, Squall never held back the truth. It brought the relationship into a completely different light – the one he had tried to explain. Rinoa found herself empathizing with the woman before her. For all her skill, her drive would most likely keep her from ever forming true relationships; she _was_ Squall sans the emotional connection. At this point, it wouldn't have been a shock if ended up being completely accurate with his prediction and that the first thing she'd ask him later _was _about a recommendation.

Regardless of this newest obstacle, Rinoa had to gather her faculties - if not for herself than for the mission. If there was honestly a better chance of success based on communication with Squall, logic couldn't argue with that.

Managing a half-hearted smile, Rinoa looked at the young commander. "You know all those nightmares you hear about as you grow up like endlessly falling or showing up _really_ late on the day of finals or, even worse yet, showing up with no clothes on? Yeah those type of nightmares. Well, I'd like to petition to add 'talking to your ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend who thinks he's dead but actually not' to that list. I just wish I didn't feel so damn crappy about it."

"Well, if you want to talk about crappy, if it makes you feel any better - when I spoke to you at the wedding, I had several glasses of wine under my belt already. From a social standpoint, I wanted to meet you because of your accomplishments… _and _your connections_. _It wasn't because we ended up going out with the same person but… I don't think that exchange was exactly my most shining moment either."

"… I still don't think we look alike." It was another sarcastic shot Rinoa attempted to make, but her delivery, like always, seemed to be off. She had often thought back to Lauren's extremely awkward remark, wondering what in the hell it was supposed to mean. The sorceress had bolted immediately afterwards, ironically to go dance with Laguna.

"That was never a comparison that came from him, just so you know. He would have never done that to you. It was the wine talking, I'll admit." Lauren stood up, grabbing her jacket from the chair. "What happens professionally after this mission we can sort out later, but what happens personally has never been a question. If you feel uncomfortable with me in direct contact with Squall, I'll step away. My only goal here is to bring Sirtis in – alive. That's why I came to you first."

Rinoa knew it was important for the mission to push pride aside; she had been among the ones who wanted Lauren to oversee the SeeD presence in Esthar. It was still that last bit of lingering pride that stopped her from saying 'last door at the end of the hallway.' Instead, Rinoa felt compelled to escort the SeeD, at least for the moment.

Rinoa placed her two hands together before standing. She half-wondered if her actions made it more suspicious, maybe Laruen hadn't finished sizing up the situation. But even then, in the back of her mind, she wondered how big of deal it would be now if she had found out. Rinoa could have come right out and _told_ her, but at this point, it would have almost felt like rubbing it in. It would have also been like declaring a victory in a war that apparently neither of them had been actively fighting. It made her wonder if telling Zone about Squall would go this smoothly but, somehow, she doubted it; he had always been emotional and his moods were often unpredictable. Squall being not dead was one thing, Squall being her husband was quite another. Oddly, in that case, telling Lauren seemed preferable.

As Rinoa led down the hallway, she said nothing; not too surprisingly Lauren wasn't much one for small talk either. Shocker. With a deep breath and a second of meditation, Rinoa gathered her thoughts before haphazardly knocking on the door. It was a mere formality on her part and she never bothered waiting for a response. The fact she was actually 'knocking' at all was more of a giveaway than the momentary pause. When she opened the door, neither man had even bothered to shoot a glance in her direction. Of all the times to feel ignored, this was definitely one of the worst.

For the time being, they had made a make-shift office in the master bedroom. They would have stayed in Laguna's office, but locating themselves here was precaution in case unexpected visitors dropped by as most normal people would shy away from the bedrooms. That theory was pretty much shot to hell now, but the SeeDs had yet to realize it.

"It's me, um, me…" Rinoa nervously cleared her throat. She nervously shifted her weight, waiting from some kind of response, but both Squall and Zell seemed to be otherwise occupied, although the martial artist did manage a passing wave. She let out an annoyed breath, wondering why of all the times they could pick to be _this _engrossed in their work, it had to be at the time that would result in the most awkward moment for her.

The back of Squall's head was all she could see of him. It appeared he was watching a video on his laptop, although he had his headsets resting around his neck. She made a mental note to yell at him later, as it was obvious he could at least _hear_ her enter. Apparently, her husband was destined to spend their first day of marriage in the preverbal doghouse. Of all the times to at least not turn around and nod or something - this was not the time. From her spot, Rinoa could tell it was surveillance from his funeral, so she figured it was emotionally-difficult to watch so it bought him some leeway, not all of it, but some… He had mentioned that he was going to go over whatever video was on file of Sirtis. If the man was in disguise today, Squall's ability to see through the façade could mean the difference between success and failure.

This morning, Squall had explained to her that it was important that he memorized the subtle nuances of the man's actions - everything from the way he carried himself in a crowd, to the gait he most commonly walked with.

…And yet the subtle nuances of his wife mentally screaming at him to turn around were a little harder for him to decipher? So much for that wonderful sorceress-knight connection, she thought, silently swearing that they wouldn't go on a honeymoon after this, but rather a damn boot camp instead.

As for Zell, he sat across the fold-out table and seemed to be locked in a battle of wits with an unruly microphone cord. Again Mr. Know-It-All had found himself engaging in a heated battle with modern technology.

…And Rinoa found herself in a battle of wanting to banish them both to the van-from-hell. If she knew a transport spell, she'd have used it on them right now.

"Guys?" Rinoa said with a hint of desperation. She still couldn't believe that she was all but being ignored. Yes, Squall often got lost in his work, but even then he'd usually turn, grunting a hello.

"_Wireless_. Damn it. Wireless – meaning without wires!"

Rinoa tensed, surprised by Zell's outburst.

"How hard is it for these people to design something without ridiculously-archaic wires that pre-date the Stone Age! Most advanced country in the world, my ass." Tossing the aforementioned item to the table, he then looked up at Rinoa. When he did, his mouth fell open.

Even with the mini-tirade, Squall's attention never left the screen, but at least he acknowledged her. "Rin, were you able to verify that the SeeD team arrived?"

Zell's eyes darted between Rinoa and Lauren. Seeing them up-close, standing next to each other and only a few arms' length away from Squall was like one of those distorted visions of reality during Time Compression. Even more horrifying was that Lauren was behind Rinoa with her arms folded and, after Squall's question, unbeknownst to her, Rinoa mimicked the female SeeD's position. And it was eerie, beyond eerie.

Although after he regained control of his motor skills, Zell couldn't let this golden opportunity slip by. "You know, I'm going with a whacky theory and say _yes, _yes the SeeDs did arrive. Just pulling that one out of the air, ya know."

"Whacky theory? Seriously?" Squall snapped. He wasn't too thrilled with the response; he knew that his future, their future, was too important to be left to chance.

"Um, why don't you just ask Lauren then? I'm sure she'd be… interested in hearing from you. You know, big surprise all-around… for everyone."

"I'll get right on that and call her up. I'm sure that conversation would go well for all of us." The commander had no idea why he was getting so irritated; he was usually calm before missions, but he honestly felt like he was being goaded now.

"Yeah, well, let's just say you don't really have to call her up for the surprise… more like, you know, turn around."

Zell held up one hand to the side of his mouth, while the other was pointed behind the commander. Doing an exaggerated stage whisper, he loudly announced, _"They're here…"_

At first, Squall thought he was joking, but something about the martial artist's bemused expression said otherwise.

"Dude… talk about _awkward_," the martial artist said in jest as he slipped from his chair and heading over towards the door. There was no doubt in Squall's mind now that Zell hadn't been kidding. All eyes were on him when he finally turned around.

Rinoa was slightly shocked when Zell had made his way over to her, placing his arm around her shoulder. He didn't say anything further, at least for the moment, but even now Rinoa knew that he had been there for only one reason – to give her support. Maybe he knew that Squall and Lauren would take this 'reunion' less emotionally than she would have; that alone was a rather strange concept considering. But whatever brought him there, she was grateful he had looking out for her.

As the awkward silence continued, Zell believed that instead of taking this too seriously, it was best to laugh about it openly. He pointed between Rinoa and Lauren, giving the sorceress a sly wink. "On a positive note, this is about how half of Irvine's written short stories start out. And by 'short stories' I mean the letters he's submitted to Girl Next Door… but I was taking creative license."

Rinoa whacked the hand that was dangling around her shoulder, not really caring how it looked.

"_C'mon_… you know I tease. I love you Rinny."

"So you keep saying," she huffed, but couldn't help the small laugh that had escaped.

She was literally standing in that nightmare she had joked about earlier. This was possibly one of the most disturbing worst-case scenarios one could even fathom – the 'dead' husband finding his girlfriend right behind him; it sounded like a low-budget movie at best. Not to mention, she had kicked the whole thing up a notch in her head by having another woman's soon-to-be fiancé's arm around her shoulder. Add in the last twelve hours where she had been said to be marrying her 'brother' and then thought to be marrying her now father-in-law, it all couldn't be taken very seriously. This was such a dysfunctional mess; all she could do was laugh into Zell's shoulder. It was far better than breaking down from the absurdity of it all though.

The commander glanced to his wife, making sure she was going to be all right, before looking back to Lauren. "Is everything in place?"

"Yes, but I thought direct communication with you would benefit everyone."

"Two-way secured channels?"

"Yes, we have usable walkies, unless Esthar has something more advanced."

"I'm more comfortable using Garden issued."

"Are you kidding me?" Rinoa said under her breath. She hadn't known what to expect during this meeting but, whatever it was, certainly wasn't this – this sounded more like something straight out of a SeeD training manual.

This exchange had even caught Zell off guard. Sure, Lauren and Squall were always professional, but this was far from the reaction even he had been expecting. It was completely devoid of emotion and felt completely wrong. Sure, he didn't expect Lauren to run up and jump on him like they would expect from Selphie, but Rinoa was right, this was uncomfortable for more than one reason.

"Look guys… I may joke around, but this is possibly the most bizarre thing in the world. I mean, we get that the entire situation is awkward, but this is like two robots reuniting… and it's coming off on this side of freaky. It also kind of raises more questions than answers."

Squall shrugged, placing his hands in his pockets. He wasn't trying to come off as indifferent, but the truth was that it didn't surprise him. He wasn't going to act like the reunion was any bigger than it was.

"I had my suspicions back at Fisherman's Horizon. I didn't mention it right then because of what we were asking of Rinoa. She was already stressed and what good would telling her my theory accomplish? At that moment, it would have hindered, not helped. After I realized that going to Esthar was inevitable - Lauren knowing, or_ not_ knowing, was the least of my concerns. I never meant to deny anything, but I couldn't say, without a doubt, that I was a hundred percent either. I know I brought up the fact that Lauren had helped Rinoa in FH, but let it go at that. It was speculation for the most part, but… let's say that over the last two days, I've had other things on my mind, things that weren't based on a hunch."

"Pretty much the same here." Lauren gave her reasoning, before turning to face the commander. "But for the record, I will say that I'm glad you're alive. More than that, I'm glad you're back where you should be."

"Thank you. I'm glad too." He nodded, knowing that her last sentiment wasn't related to work, but to Rinoa. "We can catch up later. Right now, Zell's packing our equipment for this afternoon. Laguna's arranged for us to be in building that's currently under renovation and is slated to be empty. We'll have monitors, but your team is lead on the ground – although Esthar may not agree."

"Speaking of which," Zell began as he walked over, grabbing his newfound nemesis off of the table, "Rinoa, can you go run and ask dear ol' daddy-in-law why, for the most advanced country in the world, his microphones suck."

"Toss it here." Squall instructed. Although wireless was good, for security reasons, there was something to be said about the old school approach.

Becoming quite adept at using both hands, Squall took his hand from the pocket. As one closed his laptop, the other caught the tangled microphone.

In shock, Lauren noticed the ring on Squall's finger. "Married?"

Squall raised an eyebrow, somewhat mocking her abilities. "Oh, didn't figure that one out?"


	28. Image in the Sand and Hollow Hollow Pursuits

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_ **Chapter Seventy-Five: Image in the Sand** _   


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There was something to be said about being on the frontlines of a battle.

It_ was_ that rush of adrenaline when seeing your enemy for the first time.

It_ was_ the unity of brethren, individuals fighting to achieve a common goal.

It_ was_ the decisions that came instinctively, whether from years of training or something more primal.

Most of all, it was not wholly relying on the actions of other people. _Your _actions, _your_ abilities, and _your_ knowledge often decided your fate. There may have been other factors which heightened the chance of success – equipment, cover fire, knowledge of the terrain, and even the skill of your peers – more importantly, your _trust _in the skill of your peers.

But, in the end, battles were like floods; it wasn't a single fight or fighter, but it was several drops of rain combining into something greater than the whole. With every sword-clash or gunshot, there was a victor and a loser. A battle is a living fabric, constantly changing until only one side survives.

In this battle, the problem Squall faced was that he wasn't out there on the front lines; he was a bystander watching out a window as raindrops fell like shards of glass. He could see the deluge as it flooded the streets, sweeping up everything in its path. Only his window wasn't traditional - a pane of glass had been replaced by flat-paneled monitors. He didn't want to view his future in high-definition LCD, but he had learned to accept it.

Given those circumstances, he understood that this particular fight might not have been his to win, but he knew the war remained his to lose. It wasn't a battle based on physical strength but one that was lower key, fought with mental prowess. It hinged on the abilities of others – some he knew and trusted, but far too many could be called into question. This could easily be broken down into the simplest reason - Esthar's soldiers protecting Esthar's secrets.

He also had come to realize that no matter how much both the soldiers and SeeDs alike wanted to catch Sirtis – in the end, they were only being paid to do their job. That was a rather ironic stance coming from the commander of an elite mercenary group.

To his surprise, he had tried not to dwell on the negative. Maybe being married for roughly twelve hours had made him more optimistic, although he had to scoff at the thought. In the end, no matter how much he wanted to finish this today, he knew that the important things in his life would still be there tomorrow. Truthfully, he wanted this to work out more for Rinoa and Zell than his own sake.

Shaking his momentary thoughts, he once again found himself immersed in the surveillance feeds. After re-watching the footage of Sirtis this morning, Squall's first instinct was to rule out that the man was hiding in plain sight, pretty much like at the funeral. It was doubtful at best - an insult to Sirtis' cunning at worst.

With his headsets on, Squall listened in as people yelled back and forth. There were a few scattered people milling about, most of them making final preparations for this afternoon. To him, studying everybody's interactions beforehand was still very much a part of his research as reading any file had been. If Sirtis had any supporters within Esthar's security detail, Squall wanted to be able to find even the smallest hint.

In less than two hours, Kiros would have the nation's eyes trained upon him. That was another ironic fact to add to his ever-growing list - all his life, Squall had loathed press conferences with a passion, yet now his future could be determined by one.

Thankfully, nobody had been aware of his eavesdropping as even the Estharian technicians didn't know that he had been linked in. He almost had to laugh, as ass-backwards as he thought Fisherman's Horizon was at times, those guys seemed to naturally be tuned into small details like that. While Esthar had the flashier technology, it seemed like the people of FH could manage with a lot less. In this case, it was simply natural ability versus resources.

Even though he had never outwardly shown it, the commander was well aware of when his two cohorts had entered the room. They were trying to enter in stealth, but between the lack of soundproofing and the shadows cast on the wall, it was the equivalent of a Blue Dragon in a china shop.

As much as he loved having Rinoa and Zell around, they tended to sometimes serve as more of a distraction. He wouldn't have said it out loud, but he had been glad to have some time by himself to put his thoughts in order beforehand as arriving at the penthouse today had already been taxing enough.

For the most part, leaving the Presidential Palace was nearly as simple as walking in. After Rinoa, Squall, and Zell had safely made their way downstairs, the trio once again found themselves facing in another _emotional_ reunion - one between them and the van-from-hell. The homecoming was thankfully short-lived. It consisted of a dozen or so city blocks, separating the Presidential Palace from the building that was to serve as their base.

…Of course, each one of those blocks was filled with Zell's quasi-tour guide imitation. Unfortunately, he had felt the need to reprise his 'world-renown' role as Mr. Know-It-All. There was so much about Esthar that both Rinoa and Squall didn't know that they had never wanted to know.

Once they arrived, the trio found themselves on the twenty-first floor of a building semi-adjacent to the conference. Zell and Rinoa had immediately excused themselves after walking in the front door, explaining they wanted to gain familiarity with layout below. In truth, they both were dying to investigate every nook and cranny of the penthouse and, also in truth, Squall was very aware of this fact. He was just glad for the time so he never argued. It had given him the time to take the reins and get a good bearing of the situation without… _distractions._

Now, Rinoa and Zell had not-so-covertly made their way behind him as he sat at the command center, continuing to feign ignorance.

Zell made a motion with his hand, pointing to the commander's headsets while mouthing instructions. He had hoped Squall was too enthralled in watching the most world's most boring television programming to notice. The martial artist would have liked to say that what was on the monitor was a step-up from Esthar's spandex fixation, but even that had more entertainment than watching guys tape cables to the ground.

Either way, the martial artist couldn't resist the temptation. This could be ending soon and he had to have his fun at the commander's expense while they were at least on the same continent. A month ago, Zell would have been risking a court-martial for irritating his superior. Now, he hoped he would only be risking a stern-looking, annoyed death-glare.

As for Rinoa, she knew that they could have done one of two things - quietly joining their leader in studying the monitors, even without headphones they could have still learned a lot, or joining him _not_ so quietly. To Squall's dismay, she already knew that they'd be taking the latter option without question – it was her honeymoon and she deserved a taste of adventure.

Still behind Squall, Zell lifted his fingers, signaling a countdown. As each digit dropped, the two mouthed in unison, "3, 2, 1…"

Both grabbed hold of a side of the headset, bending down they loudly teased, "Dork!"

Closing his eyes, Squall took a moment to meditate, which was far, far better than his initial thoughts.

Rinoa bent down, placing a tender kiss on his cheek. "Sorry, you looked like you could use a distraction, even a really bad one. Relax - they'll do a great job."

"I want to be out there."

"I do too."

He had not expected her response, but was glad it was a shared sentiment. He glanced over to her, offering a brief, but reassuring, smile, "I think we're exactly where we're supposed to be, even if it is up here."

It was reassurance meant for her; a private conversation borne out of understanding and although the word wasn't spoken, there was something else mutually understood. _"Together."_

Wherever they were physically didn't matter, only the fact that they had found their way together.

It _wasn't_ about being the hero.

It _wasn't_ about the glory of bringing in an infamous killer.

It _wasn't_ about recognition, or promotions, or favor with the World Council.

No, this_ was_ about stepping back and trusting in others; it was putting preconceived notions aside and believing in your allies – no matter how seemingly illogical. Rinoa trusted Laguna, Squall trusted Lauren, and Kiros trusted his men. It would be those bonds that helped link the others.

At this point, they still had a good hour before Kiros was scheduled to take the stage. Zell had also picked this moment to finally sit down in one of the empty chairs. He had wanted to look around more, but decided against it. Even though he had pushed his luck when it came to the wrath of the commander, a good soldier knew about strategic retreat or, in this case, strategically taking a seat.

Picking up a pen, Zell twirled it between his fingers to curb the boredom. When that didn't work, he opted for conversation. "Damn man, you really need to take a tour of this place before we leave. I'd so love to buy a place like this for Alex but I probably couldn't even come close. With any luck, I could afford to buy the kitchen pantry or something."

He sighed, thinking all the Gil he had managed to spend through the years on frivolous things. "Wish I'd saved more, but you know how it goes… youth, foolishness, expensive hotdog obsession, betting Irvine could so something… and then the ensuing medical bills when it turns out that I _couldn't._ You know, all that normal jazz. Least I'm over that stage of irresponsibleless-ness, irresponsibleness, um, my irresponsibly? Forget it, in other words, basically, I'm responsible now."

Rinoa couldn't help but giggle as he tripped over his words. "Yes Zell, all that _normal _stuff like using all your holiday pay and taking a six-week trip around the world in search of the greatest gourmet hotdog all time. Although reading your real-time blog was hilarious, I'm not sure if hiring a photographer to document the trip qualifies as _normal_."

Zell turned back to look at her, but the pen slipped out of his fingers and made a large 'whacking' sound as it flew over Squall's head and landed on the marble floor.

Calling again on his meditation techniques, the commander took a deep, cleansing breath before lowering the headphones to around his neck. Clearing his throat, Squall casually inquired. "So, what's the walk-in closet space in the master bedroom like?"

"Huge-ass-_huge_…" he emphasized this by expanding his hands in demonstration, "I mean you could physically pick up two SeeD dorms, place them inside the closet, and you'd still have walking room, _seriously._ Oh, and you know the size of my bathroom? Yeah, well that's about the size of the walk-in shoe closet… I mean, it's literally like the walk-in has a walk-in."

"Mmm," Squall mumbled, clearly uninterested, "…and the bathroom? Plenty of built-ins there? Tub's nice I'm assuming?"

Rinoa opened her mouth, but closed it just as quickly. Trying to get her cohort's attention from behind would prove futile. She had caught on to her husband's little game as interior design was the furthest thing in the world Squall gave a damn about. She could see where this was inevitably headed, unfortunately, Zell could not.

"Oh man, are there built-ins! Usually, I'm more into crafting metals and such, but I'd love trying to try my hand at constructing something like this. I'm telling ya – don't leave this place without looking at the master bathroom… If the universe had a bathroom - that was the mother of all bathrooms - _this_ would be that bathroom. There's a tub inside a spa and the hot tub spa thing goes outside onto the balcony! Leave it to Esthar to be so progressive to be putting water inside water and all."

"Sounds nice. A stroke of architectural genius." Squall spoke in the same disinterested voice. "… And how well can you see the press area from the other bedroom? Good line of sight to the main podium? Since you were checking it out and all."

Zell's enthusiasm waned as he sheepishly looked up to Rinoa for help. "It's um, yeah, it's like… I'll go take a scope and recheck distance. It's, um, like Garden has taught us – never can be too careful or too cautious."

"…Or too distracted," Squall sarcastically added as he handed Zell a pair of binoculars. "It's called 'work' for a reason, Mr. Know-It-All. Make you a deal, if Sirtis is inside a walk-in closet or hiding in tub within a tub, then I'll bow down to your superior investigating skills."

"Come on, you know you'll miss me when you leave Garden. You'll look back at these moments fondly."

"Whatever."

After that, the martial artist made a quick exit, but took a second to mimic the commander behind his back. Rinoa smiled, trying not laugh. Okay, maybe they could have waited to look around, but the place was rather impressive.

Rinoa moved closer to Squall, placing her hand on his back as she stood. "You know, it is pretty damn amazing."

"…His forgetting to check out the obvious and do his job? Yes, it is pretty amazing."

She would have thought that he was upset, if he hadn't turned to her with a hint of smirk.

Giving him a light tap on the neck, she jokingly scolded. "You're so difficult, Leonhart."

He shrugged, but kept his eyes forward. "So I've been informed, repeatedly. Also, I'd like to point out that you calling me 'Leonhart' has become a rather moot point as it's now your name too. For all I know, you could be talking about yourself."

She folded her arms over her chest, shaking her head. "Thanks. Now there are a few _other _things I'd love to call you right about now."

"I can only imagine," he stated rather amused. His eyes had remained on the monitors the nearly the entire time, but he finally looked in her direction. "So really, it goes outside? I mean, the bathtub is _in_ the hot tub? You have to walk through it to get to the bath or something?"

She laughed as her earlier point was proved wrong. Apparently, interior design wasn't the absolute furthest thought in Squall's mind. "No, you walk over a step to get to the bathtub as, but it really is awesome. And since I know you're not a bath person, I can tell you that the shower is also impressive." She bent down, teasingly adding, "It's definitely big enough for two people and it also puts the one at the Presidential Palace to shame. In fact, make you a deal..."

Her words trailing, she pulled a mobile phone from her jeans' pocket. She turned it on, before holding it up slightly up to demonstrate. "I'll go take a bunch of pictures. That way you won't lose any of your 'commander points' by looking."

"That doesn't sound like a deal. Sounds like you've already made up your mind."

"Well the deal was that I take them and you look at them, but if that's too simple for you, I can up the ante. The new deal is that if I do it and build a place that's a little more appropriate than my townhouse, we'll do the water-in-the-water thing."

He let out a soft grunt as he watched a news crew arrive on the monitor. "Somehow, I don't think I get the short end of the deal either way – now don't I?"

There was a long pause and he had been surprised she hadn't replied; he certainly hadn't expected her to remain quiet about this. As he looked at her, he knew in an instant that all their kidding had been forgotten.

"Rin?"

Shaking her head, she gave him a weary smile as she looked at her phone. "Zone sent a text… he's been trying to call."

To his own surprise, Squall didn't flinch nor did he feel the least bit upset. If anything, he felt a pang of guilt. Although they both had lightheartedly joked about telling him about their marriage, it was much easier said than done and it would be Rinoa who would inevitably feel guilty. He was different than everyone else; their friends at Garden would be thrilled, likely a little upset about missing it, but there was no doubt that they would support their decision. Zone was one of the few people who would truly be upset. Well, outside of Caraway, but that would be bridge they would cross when they got to it or maybe something to save for a 'oh by the way' line in his next birthday card – the latter would be Squall's vote.

"Is he all right?" Truthfully, Squall was concerned, but that concern was mainly focused towards Rinoa.

"Nothing like that. It's just…"

She hesitated, knowing that Squall's habit of overanalyzing had rubbed off on her at the most inconvenient time. She felt guilty - so naturally those feelings went into her interpretation of his words. She wanted to tell Squall the truth, but she wasn't exactly sure what the truth _was._

"I just think he knows my questions yesterday weren't because of some random conversation like I tried to make it seem. No, it's not like he knows-_knows _about you, but he can easily see that this trip isn't exactly what I made it out to be… He knows I wasn't telling him the truth. He didn't come out and say it directly to me or anything, but it's something we both know."

Squall's only response wasn't verbal; without a second thought, he reached out for her. One of his hands met with hers, the other gently guiding her to sit down – not in the empty chair next to him, but on his lap. Even as his attention was mostly centered on his work, he still found a way to comfort her. She leaned back, resting against him for support. There was a sudden tinge of sadness as she wondered where _this_ Squall was three years ago, the one who still was intent on his responsibilities to work, but also took the time out to listen to her. As their fingers interlocked, she reminded herself that the 'whens' didn't matter. It was the 'whos and hows' that made all the difference.

"Okay, seriously?" A voice boomed through the mostly-empty room, the marble floor making it echo quite loudly. The volume caught both Rinoa and Squall off guard, but only Rinoa outwardly reacted with a flinch.

Walking over, the martial artist set the binoculars on the table, before taking the seat next to the commander. "All right Squall, I now get that you set me up, but after checking – not_ one_, not _two_, not even_ three_, but four other bedrooms - all of 'em are completely at the wrong angle. There's no way you can even see the stage without having x-ray vision or something."

"I was just trying to get you to do what you said you were doing in the first place. That's all."

Zell grumbled, "Tch, fine, I get it. Lesson learned. I'm not sure now if you really wanted me to look, or just to prove a point, but you can only see the staging area from the downstairs here and the master bedroom… Kinda funny that it's actually the master bath that has the best view. …Suppose I shoulda noticed the first time, but I was distracted by shiny things being pointed out by your wife and all, but that's so not the point."

"No, _not_ the point," the commander said tersely. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, trying hard to avoid the inevitable headache.

"In my opinion, the best vantage point is the upstairs balcony. The roof would be good as well, plus it wouldn't be so restricted. There's someone stationed up there, right?"

"Yes. At least two units per rooftop, anything that you can see, even a sliver of the press area. This guy's a damn good shot, not worth taking a risk."

Zell couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "Well… both my shoulder and myself beg to differ with your definition of a 'damn good shot,' but close enough. Who knows, maybe Sirtis hit me purposely to throw us off the track. If every try had been some kinda medal-winning shot, the suspects would be sorta limited."

"That's actually the most plausible theory," Squall agreed, "anyone with intermediate weapons skills could hit you and then me. Sirtis broadened the entire suspect pool by hitting you first."

Rinoa had been half-listening. She knew it was at one of the worst possible times, but then again, she had little to do until the conference. It wasn't like Sirtis was going to waltz right up and say, "Here I am." Sure, she could look at video, but she would have had a harder time tearing her eyes away from Kiros, worried about his safety.

It was like the more she thought about anything, the more she started to question every little thing. Again, she blamed Squall's obsession to detail and over-thinking for this. Her thoughts would drift from Kiros and his safety to the text messages left on her phone. She even started to think about every conversation she'd ever had with Zone – even predating even before Squall's 'death.' Even if she had made the most innocent comment to Zone, she wondered if he was now questioning whether or not she had been telling the truth. The problem was – over the last few weeks, she hadn't been. It bothered her before, but now it felt so much worse.

There was a part of her that wanted to call him; she hated the idea of basically ignoring him but, for now, she knew that she had to. It was easy to tell her mind to focus, but convincing her heart to follow through was nothing short of a pipedream.

Standing up, she brushed herself off. "I'm going to the kitchen to get some water. Anybody need a bottle?"

"No thanks." Zell said as he found a new pastime - fiddling with brightness of one of the monitors.

Squall didn't answer her question. He knew that there was a bigger problem at hand, which had nothing to do with water or Zell's inability to keep his hands to himself.

"You're avoiding your problem. Trust me, that's something I know about. Right now, there's nothing you can do to fix things, but you at least talk about it to make it a little easier. Someone taught me that years ago."

She gave him a sincere smile. "You pick the most inopportune times to use my words."

"Well, there are no guarantees, right?"

"You win, you win… I give up before you call me a meanie."

"Do you want to talk about something he said in the text? I don't need all the details, just a general idea if you think it helps."

"He just… he…" She gave up on trying to explain. Instead, she opened up her phone and scrolled to Zone's last messages. There was a part of her who deeply wanted to get another opinion and that was why she was so willing to share. Again, she hoped that maybe she had been jumping to conclusions here.

With a feeble smile, she handed him the phone. "There are a few of them, just keep scrolling."

Glancing up to her, he hesitated for a moment, wondering if this crossed a line. Yes, she was offering, but maybe it wasn't his right to know. The momentary dilemma didn't matter after she asked him for his opinion. There was something so pained in her voice; he knew he couldn't say no.

"_If you get this call me. Left a voice message wanted to talk to you. I know you check texts more than voicemail - so doing both."_

"_Still trying to get a hold of you all morning, starting to worry. I saw the news from Esthar. Please tell me your questions about Katipo had nothing to do with this. Somehow I think they did. You could have asked. I would have helped."_

"_I've always trusted you. Why couldn't you trust me? I've been around too long to believe in coincidence. I would have helped you. I think of everything everyone went through especially Zell and all those families. If the reason behind this is the reason I think, I hope you find who you're looking for. People died and the truth needs to come out."_

"_One last thing. Remember he hurt a lot of people – people who had families. Those type of men don't deserve mercy. He deserves justice and even though he took something from you – you will blame yourself. I know you. Don't feel guilty no matter what happens. The minute he killed them, he needed the same fate. This isn't your fault. Remember that."_

"You know what I think?" Shutting the phone, Squall placed it into her palm, protectively closing his hands around hers. "I think the person sent these texts knows you well. He knows that _if _today is a setup and _if _you had some part in it that_ if_ something goes wrong and Sirtis dies, you will blame yourself. Oddly enough, I agree with Zone. No matter what happens today, Sirtis made his own bed to lie in. Just because you helped find him, it doesn't mean a thing."

She remained silent, but Zell took that as an opportunity to offer his opinion. "Rin, I didn't see the texts, but I kinda get what Squall's saying. Zone's frustrated, not mad. He's worried and can't get a hold of you… I mean, it's not really close to what Alex is going through, but they're there is some similarity. Someone you care about is out there and you want to help, but because of stuff you can't – whether because SeeD is hiding you or you have your phone turned off half a world away, it's the helplessness that hurts."

"Thanks you two, I needed to hear that. I know it probably was the fact that I was lying to him. I hate doing it, but hopefully when this is over, he'll understand." She could dwell on that later, right now there were other tasks at hand. Leaning over, she gave Squall a kiss on the cheek, before walking over to Zell and mirroring the action.

He smirked triumphantly, although she had no idea as to why. She never could understand him, which alone was something to be extremely grateful for. "You know Zell, no matter what Squall makes me try to believe, you're not that bad."

His reply was a sly wink, which in turn made her laugh – she didn't know what he was trying for, but she thought it was completely endearing.

After she had gone into the kitchen, Zell picked a second monitor to start messing with. He was met by a rather abrupt flick on the wrist.

"Really, Squall?" he asked in bewilderment, "Did you just flick my hand? What am I, five?"

"I do wonder sometimes. And for your information, a vast majority of Garden's five-year-old residents know not to touch everything in sight. It's one of those things teachers try to explain on the first day of class, but you might have missed that. I seem to recall some official documents stating that _someone _was in the infirmary after touching a cactus."

"That's was curiosity, which is a good thing… having cactus needles embedded in your tongue, not such a good thing. I thought it was a miniature pet Cactuar… should have known when it didn't run away but, hey, it's a life lesson, that's all." He turned around to glance at the door, making sure they were still alone. "You think Rin's all right? I know she's taking it hard."

"Time will tell," Squall answered truthfully.

"It's kinda ironic that Zone's so big into studying conspiracy theories and because of that, he may end up in one. I wonder if he'll ever realize that he'll _either_ play a part in exposing one of Esthar's biggest secrets or keeping it buried."

"Time will tell for that too but, whichever way it goes, I hope it's for the best. It's a damn hard call to make. A lot of people are bound to get hurt. This runs very deep and even with time, some wounds are impossible to heal."

"I don't envy Laguna one bit if it comes down to that choice. That's for sure. You never know what Sirtis will say if he is kept alive, but we also want answers." Zell reached for a nearby calculator and started to hit the buttons. "Plus this guy sounds like he obsesses about current political events as much as you obsess over work."

Squall side-eyed his friend, but decided it best to let it go. First, he wasn't sure how he felt about any comparisons to Sirtis – no matter what was said, being compared to the man left him feeling very uneasy. Next, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Zell's fingers had successfully latched onto another target. Usually, Zell's actions were harmless, except for those few times where they… _weren't._ Still, Squall couldn't come up with an inherent danger caused by a calculator, unless Zell had taken a page from Irvine's playbook by typing out letters that juvenilely spelled out certain words. Squall would risk it.

Unbeknownst to the commander, Zell did have reasons for his actions. There was a method to his (arguable) madness. It helped him clear his mind, although it was an unorthodox process, it was a therapeutic one which tended to suit him well. With his fingers busy, he managed to put a positive spin on the text messages sent to Rinoa.

"Squall, you realize what those texts mean? There's actually a good thing that came around from all those messages. It means Zone heard the news and pieced together what land they were referring to. If Sirtis is still in any area where a television broadcasts, there's a good chance he probably figured it out too."

"I didn't think of that," Rinoa said walking from the kitchen, "We know the word's out there."

"That's true. I have to commend Kiros. He's good." Squall was truly impressed with the aide's abilities.

Rinoa walked between where the two men sat, handing them each a drink. "Here."

"You didn't have to," Squall said as he accepted the bottle with a nod.

Even Zell agreed. "Seriously, you didn't need to trouble yourself. We could've gotten one later."

Rinoa fought against the near instinctive urge to roll her eyes. She was trying to be supportive, but sometimes it felt as if they went out of their way to make it difficult. "I know you said you weren't thirsty, but I figured you might be later. If things get too involved, it would be harder to get up then. So, I was just being proactive. Plus, it's _bottled_ water. Very little trouble involved from my end, besides the oh-so-complex motion of opening the refrigerator. It's not like I went in there and prepared a four course dinner or anything."

"Yes, we know better than that to take that risk. Again," Squall mumbled under his breath.

"Dude, that's legendary. Even you can't mess up bottled water… or set it on fire."

"Whatever. It's been years, I can actually cook now," she shot back forcefully. One little incident with the fire alarm and she was forever branded.

Zell gave this friend a sympathetic look. "For Squall's sake, I hope so."

Squall still continued to watch the monitors as logic dictated it was safer than watching his wife. "Oh, crap your cooking. I forgot… It has been Zell doing any actual cooking over the last few days… On a completely unrelated subject, is it too late to do a prenup? Forget the money, it's my health that needs securing."

"Too late, completely too late… In fact-"

She was interrupted by a knock on the door, all three immediately turned at the sound. Funny how such a commonplace action now riled up so many nerves. Setting her water on the table, Rinoa headed towards the front door. She withheld a sigh, only because she had a fairly good idea who was on the other side. Kiros and Ward were staying in their offices at the Palace until right up to conference time, along with a full security detail.

As for Laguna, no matter how much he insisted and stubbornly implored, everyone believed that it was for the best for him to stay in his office. It was the one thing that every single one of them had agreed on. Of course, he was trying not to take that fact personally, but he knew it would be one less person for them to worry about. He knew this was about the safety of his friend, but it didn't mean he didn't want to be out there protecting him too.

Rinoa had tried not to laugh as she realized that both father and son felt the same way. Even better was when Zell tried to offer his sports analogy to Laguna – explaining it was difficult for the President to remain on the sidelines for the last two minutes of a tied game. There was also a comment about Kiros being forced coach and Ward acting as referee. Although Rinoa had stopped trying to follow along when Zell alluded to her and Lauren as cheerleaders - a comparison that quite frankly almost earned the martial artist a Silence spell.

…She hated to admit how much she would miss him when this was over.

After opening the door, Rinoa stepped to the side, forgoing the pleasantries as Lauren walked in. She still felt uncomfortable being around the SeeD – a fact that would most likely never change. Still, she had the forethought to make the best of it and not to make the situation any more uncomfortable – for now and for the future.

Squall and Zell had at least been clued in this time and, unlike before, they both found themselves staring. Even Squall could admit it was more uncomfortable. The first time, it had taken him by a certain amount of surprise and instinct had taken over then. Now, with a little time and perspective, he could look at the situation a little more objectively.

Thankfully, the female SeeD didn't seem to have the same hang-ups, at least outwardly. She held out her hand to the commander.

"Here, it's the secure two-way. I checked with Esthar's technical unit and it's not on a frequency they use. It would be best to use non-identifying names, for security. I'd highly recommend not using anything associated with SeeD, in case it's picked up. Any ideas?"

Rinoa stood behind her, obviously trying to fake a smile. In her days in the Forest Owls, they would have said 'hey, let's have code names – just in case' but, apparently, that was far too simplistic for some people. She had hoped this visit had gone slightly less awkward than the first. It might have happened, if not for unwanted commentary by Zell.

"Oh, I think Rinoa could come up with a few choice names."

The sorceress knew she was blushing. So much for last night's theme of 'no regrets'- she truly found herself _regretting_ not casting that Silence spell earlier.

Through gritted teeth, she replied, "Well since you've taken dork, I'm at a loss."

Trying his best to ignore the banter, the commander put up his hand up as signal for them to stop. He knew that they were all tired, trapped, and really needed a break. If this had been a regular mission, he would have put an end to this unprofessionalism way before now. Hell, if it had been normal mission, Zell would have found himself demoted from an A rank SeeD back into negative numbers; he'd even be re-joining the junior cadets on the first day of class. It really was about picking and choosing battles but, with Lauren in the room, the line needed to be drawn.

Of course, the fact that Lauren was suppressing a laugh wasn't lost on him either. The Squall she knew would have bitten whoever's head off by now. To any outsider, he would still appear as if he were upset, but he wasn't. Yes, he may have been a little _annoyed_, but that was far different from what she had observed for countless missions. Then again, she knew the commander had found himself at a distinct disadvantage – how do you try to discipline a team member who wasn't even a SeeD, moreover, his wife?

"I don't care. I doubt we'll need them, "the commander replied.

"Better to be over-prepared for all, than prepared for none."

As Lauren recited the words, Squall knew he would not miss that. Truth be told, he actually had found the banter_ less_ irritating than the constant quoting of SeeD mottos as answers to questions. It was something he had endured before because of the circumstances. While he was well aware of phrases highlighted in the SeeD manual, inside and out, he didn't feel the need to quote them back to people, with the possible exception of underclassmen. To talk that way to a peer often came across as condescending to him, but that may have been his interpretation. Even if Lauren's answers weren't random and proved a point, and always a correct one at that, it still grated on his nerves.

"Fine. Pick two animals or something." Squall knew it was easier just to give in, but he wasn't going out of his way to be a part of it.

Much to the chagrin of the commander, Zell felt the need to expand on Squall's comment. "Hint: _avoid whales_… and probably all marine mammals to be safe at this point." Again, it was another not-so-subtle attempt to ease the tension filling the room. It worked as he noticed Rinoa smiling into her hand and trying not to laugh.

Lauren shook her head feeling like she didn't want to know that story. "Sticking with the large cats, lynx and ocelot."

"Ocelot is already used by someone else." Zell smirked, loving to make this more complicated.

"Fine, lynx and puma," she corrected, "Are those adequate?"

"Whatever." Placing the ear piece of the two-way in, Squall tried to act indifferent. "By the way, I'm lynx and you can take puma. And, Rinoa is right, Zell prefers dork." He had no idea why he had said that, so much for drawing the line. Still, as long as they succeeded when the time came, he honestly didn't care.

"I doubt we'll use them. Just in case." Lauren nodded in agreement before looking at her watch. "I need to head down. I said I was in charge of making sure upper floors were cleared. The team's reassembling in the lobby."

Squall easily fell back into his command role. "We want him alive. Make sure that's clear."

"Crystal."

Lauren glanced towards the monitors and saw that people were beginning to gather. "I need to go."

"I know. Maintain radio silence unless it's absolutely necessary. Esthar has the main eyes here, we're just back up."

"Understood." Snapping into a salute, Lauren acknowledged her superior. "See you all on the other end. The team will do you proud." Relaxing her stance, she turned to Zell with a questioning look. "You are aware what a dork can mean, right? I'm assuming you didn't know before picking it as a code name."

"It's not like that! I-" Zell began to protest but was cut off.

Squall spoke in the same authoritative tone as before. "Commander Rachels, you better make the rendezvous point – lynx and dork will have your back." Squall saluted her with a thin smile, although added a sincere "Be safe" at the end.

She bowed once before turning around and leaving.

"Why did you do that? I didn't get a chance to-"

"Explain? It wouldn't matter. You'd talk, it would go around in circles until we ended up at this point again. We do have a mission to complete. And if all goes well, I promise you can spend the next two weeks explaining your fascination with slang for male anatomy to Lauren. I personally don't give a damn as long as I don't have to be involved."

Squall glanced up to Rinoa and gave her an uncharacteristic wink; the gesture was something she would have only expected from Zell or Irvine, but she was glad to see this side of him. They all were nervous knowing that this could be over very soon.

Rinoa bit her lip as they all found themselves looking back at the monitors. She knew that no matter how much they'd tried to kid themselves, there was very little they could do. They were observers, but at least through the two-way, Squall could command by proxy.

Grabbing a folding chair, Rinoa had opted to sit to the left of Squall. This way, both the SeeDs would have an unobstructed view of the equipment. She would lend her eyes, but she didn't want to interfere.

It had become very quiet as the entire atmosphere took on serious feel. Looking over to the men, she noticed that both of them had switched gears. Each had a set of headphones, but only Zell had put his on. Squall still had a set hanging round his neck, but had opted not to divide his attention with the smaller communicator in his left ear. He seemed to be listening to whatever Lauren was telling her team and every once in a while, even Rinoa could hear her bark orders.

As her eyes rested on the monitor, she couldn't help but look back at the last week with fondness. She knew that the window for messing around had ended and a part of her felt a little empty. This mission, even with all its frustrations, was one of the best things in her life. Of course she wouldn't have wanted anyone hurt but, if it had to happen, she wouldn't have changed a thing - not the arguments, not Zell, and not even the van-from-hell. They would all have a special place in her memories. When she glanced over to them, she was glad that they hadn't noticed that she had to wipe her eyes. It was illogical, but with all the emotion crammed into the last few days, logic was hard to define.

Her hands returned to her lap, but to her surprise, Squall reached out. He never turned from the screen as he wrapped his hand around hers, but somehow, he knew that she needed him. She thought that maybe she wasn't the only one feeling nostalgic. Somehow, together, the battle seemed a little less daunting. People were arriving, press was already in full buzz, and if all went to plan, Sirtis would be arriving too.

In the end, battles may have been raindrops and the war being a flood, but after the deluge comes the wake. There would be damage and fallout, but hopefully there would also be a rainbow. It might have been cliché, but once the colors filled the sky - she knew it would be beautiful.

 

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_**Chapter Seventy-Six: Hollow Pursuits**_  


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In the past few minutes alone, she'd made several attempts to open her mouth to say something but, as soon as a thought came to mind, the will to follow through dissipated just as quickly. Their silence was becoming so unnerving. Yes, there were some erratic sounds leaking from their headsets, but to her it was nothing but muffled background noise. In the beginning, Squall had been the only one to speak, saying a few words here and there to Lauren, but the sentences were always abrupt and were three words at best.

Rinoa would have liked any exchange of conversation, a simple line, or even a comment – anything that didn't make her feel completely invisible.

Maybe Squall thrived in invisibility, but her mind equated it with emptiness. Even her posh surroundings seemed to echo the sentiment. The marble might have been expensive, but it was cold and impersonal. The feeling reminded her of her youth when her father would drag her to a distant relative's house for holidays. At first, the size and beauty was overpowering but, after the awe wore down, the only thing left was that uncomfortable feeling that she didn't belong.

Say what you will for its hospitality, but even the van-from-hell had taken on its own personality. How pathetic did she sound wishing they had been stationed there instead? The guys would have scoffed at her, but at least it was equipped with beanbags and throw pillows, although not exactly SeeD-issued.

Gnawing at her lip, she looked at the monitors and wondered what great life-altering promises the politicians were BS-ing their way through. In some rather ridiculous oversight, there had only been two pairs of headsets left. Leave it to the world's most advanced country to set up a command center with _four_ monitors, _three _chairs, and only _two _headsets. Apparently, math wasn't their strong suit.

As for Squall and Zell, they had been intently watching the screens. She inwardly smiled, glancing over to them. The commander was living up to his reputation for being thorough; he'd observed every detail, filing the information in his mind. When push came to shove, they were both damn good at their jobs. She had always been impressed with their work ethics, even if she had questioned the ethics of their work - a _very important_ difference to distinguish between.

There had been an opening address by someone that Squall hadn't been familiar with; not that he kept himself privy to the inner workings of Esthar's political infrastructure but, over the years, he had become acquainted with a few key players. The aide's speech focused on 'unity,' 'improvement,' and other political buzz words that he made sure to repeat often. Squall knew how this rhetoric worked, designed to invoke specific responses from the listener.

Repetition bred familiarity, diversion removed focus and, at its heart, Esthar's could have used a little more 'diversion.'

How nobody had caught on to this circular bullshit yet, Squall would never understand.

Finally, the commander finally caught a glimpse of Kiros waiting in the wings from the side of the screen. The first hour and a half of this pomp-and-circumstance shit had finally come to an end. It was show time, both on the stage and behind the scenes. Instinctively, Squall leaned forward to get a closer look. If the plan was to succeed, it would most likely come to an end soon. To be safe, they were buying Sirtis extra time; the man was too methodical to need it, but they needed anything at their disposal to put a bigger target on Kiros. Squall had him to take time, upping the ante by taking questions and answers from the press, if necessary.

"_Lynx, he's on deck,"_ Lauren stated over the radio, giving the commander a heads up.

Squall knew that she was using the name just to irritate him. It was stubborn, annoying and something he might have done if the situation had been reversed. She was stuck on protocol and was, in no uncertain terms, subtly letting the commander know that he was skirting around it.

"Copy that," he replied. After the connection was cut, he added under his breath, _"Subtle my ass."_

As he spoke, Rinoa looked at him – half in awe that he'd spoken, half in awe that the words included 'my ass.' She had no idea what Lauren had said, but at least _somebody _said _something_; it had been the first time she heard an actual voice going on near forty five minutes. It was easy to see that his demeanor had intensified tenfold and from where she sat, she actually became anxious. To an unknowing bystander, Squall's stoic expression didn't give anything away. Honestly, he could fool the best of them in Dollet's gambling halls; nobody would know what type of hand he had as he always kept his cards close to his chest. The man simply had no tell for others to read… at least, to everyone save for herself.

To quote Quistis, Rinoa would consider herself an 'expert Squall observer' at least as much of an expert as any living person could have been. There were subtle signs she could pick up on right now - the way his necked craned slightly to the right, the way his thumb nail dug into his fist, and even the way only the ball of his right foot rested on the ground. Normally, he would have them evenly placed, but the slightly raised foot was a habit she had picked up on during the travels. He waited that way in case he needed to stand up quickly. He only did this during missions and on the rare occasions when Irvine would start sharing detailed accounts of his conquests. It was always meant for a quick escape.

It was the little things about Squall that said it all.

She momentarily had to wonder if Lauren had ever noticed them too. Inwardly, she scolded herself at that thought; she hated making comparisons. To different extents, she had been that way ever since she saw them together at the wedding. Of all the times her mind decided to play that game, she didn't know why she was doing it now.

Shaking those thoughts, she opened her mouth to speak for the umpteenth time in the last hour. It would have been simple and nonintrusive, but just like before, as soon as she started to speak, the words vanished. With a sigh, she glanced between the monitor and the headset; she was tired of doubting herself. Then again, maybe Squall was right, sometimes saying nothing at all said the most. Maybe that was true, maybe she could say her encouragement by actions. Showing no signs of hesitation, she placed her hand over his as it rested on his leg. He flinched. The reaction was more out of surprise than anything, but relaxed just as quickly.

When they had been waiting for the first speaker before, he had been the one to reach out to her when she needed it. As the press conference started, he had to focus on work. He would need to not divide his concentration here too, but at least for now, she had mirrored his action; he - might not have needed - but appreciated it.

And as the last speaker wrapped up, Squall felt that familiar feeling… No, it wasn't the frontlines, but even he was taken aback with the sheer amount of adrenaline flooding his veins. Getting to this point had required so much, but there was still so much left to get. His mind raced with so many thoughts, so many questions. He hadn't even realized that he had been holding her hand tighter until he heard a surprised whimper beside him.

He gave her hand a quick squeeze. Honestly too embarrassed to look at her right now, although was apologetic. He knew that she understood, she was feeling the same emotions too; even he could feel her pulse by holding her hand - her heart was beating just as fast as his. All his life, he had hated being distracted on a mission and he always considered her a distraction but, maybe, just maybe he had been looking at this wrong...

…She wasn't a distraction, she was his reason; she wasn't a hindrance, she was his muse.

Rinoa smiled when he didn't protest. It brought back memories of all the times she had seen Irvine and Selphie holding hands on missions; all those times she pretended not to notice… all those times Squall _did _notice and as their superior, corrected them on it. Now that it was his fingers interlocked with hers, she had to wonder what _his_ superior would say. Then again, for her own sanity, maybe she was better not knowing.

"He's up."

Rinoa had never heard Squall more uncertain, at least when it came to work. Even saying those two words showed a glimpse into how much this meant to him. They all had a hell of a high stake riding on this. She wished this was as simple as a card game in Dollet. It was one thing to be betting with money, but it was quite another to be gambling with someone's life.

* * *

_Five minutes, thirty seconds…  
_ _Thirty-one seconds…_

Nobody could recall when they had taken their last breath. Each second steadily ticked away, a metronome silently mocking them. It had been over five minutes since Kiros had taken the microphone; Rinoa was fairly certain that was the last time she remembered to breathe. Physiologically speaking, it couldn't have been but it damn well felt that way. She felt sick. It was the waiting, the uncertainty, it was not even knowing if Sirtis had taken the bait. In short, it was the purest form of agony.

Squall had let go of her hand along the way though he didn't even consciously remember letting go. He and Zell had been working on auto pilot and often he often didn't think about his actions, only acting on instinct. That wasn't always good; he found that out the hard way. So, he would stop to center himself every so often.

It was one of the exercises the therapists had taught him in case he found himself in a 'dangerous situation.' He was a fucking SeeD. With the number of people who wanted him dead on a daily basis, waking up could have been classified as a 'dangerous situation.' He thought the doctor was full of complete and utter bullshit but he played nicely - just to get out of the session. Yet now, he found it was helping to some extent... Not that he'd ever admit that to anyone.

The commander reached forward and cycled through the camera feeds, trying to get the broadest view of the audience. There was no point in watching Kiros; it would have been too late by the time they saw him react. They needed to do their best to find Sirtis but it seemed like a seemingly-impossible task given their limited view.

He switched feeds again. And again. He was trying to a wide angle of the crowd, looking toward the podium. He found himself getting upset - nothing was what he needed. He would have asked for a certain shot, but hell, he didn't even know what he was looking for – he'd just know when he saw it.

He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to take a moment. The longer this went on, the harder it became. Another few seconds, another camera switch. He managed to cycle through all of them within a minute.

_Seven minutes, thirty-nine seconds…  
_ _Forty…_

Yet, something in his mind was willing him to go back to a more narrowed view from the side. Logically, it was an unlikely scenario because it had the most uniformed security in the shot, including two SeeDs. But there was something here, something obvious. Leaning close to the screen, he focused all his attention on a particular figure.

The fact was that this was almost _too_ textbook. Squall realized that was the only reason his mind had fixated on this person. He was wearing a heavy coat. A few workers had light jackets on for set-up in the morning, but once the sun was up it became too warm. Squall had noted the temperature at the time. It was pleasant, not too cold, not too hot yet, and far from coat weather. Mix the extra layers with closed-mass of spectators and this person was almost screaming out to be noticed.

The most telling clue was that this man (most likely male, given the broad shoulders) still had his back towards the camera, but had slowly been making his way _backwards._ Again, most people would make their way to the front or at least to the sides so they could leave… but not this man. Again, he was doing the opposite of what a soldier trained in stealth would do.

"Check in a secondary monitor to see if you can find this guy from another angle. I'll keep my eyes on him, not switching feeds to be safe." Squall pointed him out on the center monitor. "Tan coat, brown hat. It's warm; he's too unseasonably dressed. Spotted him about one-third up, but he's been pulling back."

"Back?" Zell questioned, having the same doubts as Squall, "That's a little weird."

"He's obvious… too damn obvious, that's for sure. It's basic 101 surveillance. Even the way he's walking with short, unnatural steps is off. It's like a first-time shoplifter wearing a big sign. This guy was fucking Special Forces. He's not going to act like that."

"Or, you know, _he is_." Zell stated offhandedly, watching the screen. "The same guy who might've shot me to hide the fact he was a marksman, might be the same guy who's looking so obvious we wouldn't waste our time on him."

There was something so blaringly suspicious about this that Squall began to question himself. It was something he rarely did in battle situations, but this truly defied logic and training. In fact, Squall did something he rarely, if ever, did. He voiced his thoughts, working on them like they were a puzzle. Usually he did this in his head, but maybe working through this together would help.

"Maybe he's lining up a shot? Maybe he needs some specific range? He could be a distraction to something else, or al-" He abruptly stopped, looking over to the far left corner of the screen. "Shit. Lauren. She's right there, scanning the crowd."

He had seen her standing in uniform, there was no way this coated-figure hadn't either.

_Eight minutes, fifteen seconds…  
_ _Sixteen seconds…_

The man never shied away. Steadily, he continued to make his way towards her - there was something very wrong about this entire picture. By now, Squall had made his way to his feet. He didn't know why as he couldn't exactly do anything under the circumstances and by the time he could get anywhere even close to the suspect, it would be far too late.

"You don't think that he's going to?" Rinoa's voice was so soft, one had to strain to hear it. "Is he-?" she asked a little louder.

"I don't know," the commander said abruptly, "We never considered him switching targets. Fuck this."

"He's still inching his way over, about four meters and closing." Zell pointed out, although it was already evident.

"_Lauren?"_ Squall asked, hoping they still had a radio connection. He could see her on the monitor, it looked like she was talking, but it certainly wasn't to him.

"_Read you, lynx."_ The commander didn't even have time to consider nicknames, but had never been so glad to hear her voice.

"Two o'clock, tan jacket, may be subject."

"_We already have eyes on him from above. Two o'clock, moving backwards, right?"_ she repeated for verification.

"Affirmative."

On camera, they watched as she switched communicators to talk with her team. Squall covered his ear, straining to hear the sound, but she'd intentionally left his communicator on so he could listen this time. He heard her order cover, directing a few SeeDs to close in around her position.

"What's she doing?" Zell asked rhetorically. There was an aspect of disbelief as his mind fought to believe.

"Turn around! He's right there. Damn it, turn around!" Rinoa hoarsely managed as the words caught in her throat. She could no longer remain seated; she wanted to run, but just like Squall, she knew it would be too late.

It became too hard to look at the screen and she didn't care if she looked weak. When it came to watching someone die right before her – she damn well was. She held onto Squall's bicep, burying her head in his arm. She couldn't help but steal glances at the screen despite wanting to shield her eyes, morbid curiosity kept taking over. It was like watching a horror movie; here she was, pointlessly yelling at the young co-ed on screen, hoping she'd see the killer slink up from behind. The only difference was that the victim in the movies never could hear the warnings, but Lauren had; in Rinoa's opinion, she was outright ignoring them and it was downright maddening.

"Shhh," Squall spoke quietly. He gently reached over and rubbed her back as reassurance.

_Nine minutes, fourteen seconds  
_ _Fifteen seconds…_

He knew that Rinoa was worried about Lauren. There was some irony in this, but that was the furthest thing from his mind. Right now, every thought was with his team in the field. Even if Rinoa did not, he understood everything Lauren was doing.

Keeping his voice low, he did his best to explain. "She knows it's too risky to face him. It might spook him. He could feel cornered and panic which could lead to a potential hostage situation. She's doing the right thing for the crowd's safety. It's always them over us. It also buys time for back up."

"_Do not shoot. Repeat, no open fire. We need him alive and without casualties."_ It was Laruen's voice. Rinoa could barely hear and only made out certain words.

Squall shook his head in disbelief. "This is too easy. I don't like it."

"I agree." The martial artist finally stood. He'd been listening intently but nothing was adding up. "He's a marksmen - why is he risking close range? He would have had to go through security check points to even get this far. What is planning? Hell… we don't even know if it's him or just some damn guy in a coat."

"Security check points are shit. We both know that. Sure, they may stop the average person, but we're talking far above the norm here. If this guy wants to bring a weapon in – he's going to bring a weapon in. You know we both would."

"Tch. You're right." There wasn't a point in arguing against that logic, even though it was far from reassuring right now.

"Then again, he's so obvious that I don't know if it's him. I don't fucking know." He was questioning everything about this. Was he falling for some trap while someone else took the shot?

Feeling his seething anger, Rinoa let go of Squall's arm and took a step back. He needed his space and she would only irritate him. She didn't want to add to his growing aggravation.

She willed herself to look at the screen. Lauren outwardly seemed to be collected, but even she began to shift her weight wait the longer she waited. For the first time, she could see that her resolve was cracking. Rinoa had grown up with a father who was never fazed, who always stood tall no matter what was thrown his way. For every situation, there was an answer and for every action, there was an outlined reaction that he followed to a T.

Yet as she stood, she saw three SeeDs unable to handle this because it went against everything they knew.

When Squall slammed his fist down in anger, she jumped. It surprised her but watching him and the others fall apart, she understood because quite simply – they couldn't see beyond their blinders.

"It's him," she said firmly, pointing towards the screen. "He's done exactly what he set out to do… or at least in part. I have no idea why, but everything he's doing is the opposite of what he's _supposed_ to be doing."

"Great Rin, now you're just as confusing as him."

"That's it. She's right." Squall quickly moved forward and sat down in the chair. He motioned for the others to follow. "He's not hiding in the shadows, he's hiding in plain sight. He's not blending in, he's standing out. He's not shying away from security, he's moving toward them. He probably knows enough to see Lauren's the field commander right now. And because of everything he's not doing, we're becoming frustrated. It's become mental warfare and we fell right into it."

"…He counted on our training to take over. We were focusing on too many questions that really didn't need to be answered." Zell realized. "So then, if he's being obvious on purpose, what's his game?"

"I believe he was messing with us for some twisted version of fun. Whatever he has planned hasn't changed, he just showed us that he's the one in control. He's gained the upper-hand by doing nothing. He knows the SeeDs won't close in until we know for sure. They wouldn't want to blow what could be their one chance."

_Ten minutes even…_

Ten minutes after Kiros took the microphone, all doubts had been erased. Again, in one deliberate move, Sirtis turned towards the camera. He knew they were watching him. He smiled.

Rinoa's mouth went dry as her mind was conflicted. This man was supposed to be the devil incarnate, yet he'd also stood with her as she mourned. The same man who tried to kill Squall was the same man she told about her mother's garden. That was something she hadn't shared with anybody and yet she picked _him_ of all people to open to.

She knew the answer - he was a sociopath. Everything he said to her at the funeral had been an act of calculation. He had her talking about her loss and about the pain he'd caused; he had the upper hand then and she hadn't seen it. She, like the families of all his victims, was used as a means to end just so he could get off on his own perverse needs, a mere instrument.

When his eyes glared into the camera, she knew he was still playing the same game. He had just manipulated an entire team of SeeDs into doubting themselves and probably enjoyed the hell out of it.

As for Squall, the only thing he had seen was a man filled with emptiness.

It hadn't been the burning hatred he had expected or even the raw, conflicted emotions Seifer had carried years back. There simply was _nothing_ he could make out, _nothing_ that actually made sense. The look at the camera had only lasted two seconds at most, but it would be another image that Squall would never forget.

Pushing those thoughts from his mind, he swallowed hard. It seemed like Sirtis was ready to make his move and he knew that Kiros wasn't the one in danger, Lauren was. They had never thought about changing targets – he would blame himself later for his shortsightedness. He didn't ever fucking deserve to be commander. It was one tragic mistake after another. In the end, he would have more blood on his already-tainted hands and in the end Garden would still make him the damn hero in the end.

With every step Sirtis took forward, Squall felt himself being dragged back into that darkness. He had found himself hypnotized by the television; it had become the vessel to pull him back into his own personal hell.

"Commander?" Zell had noticed this change, he had seen that haunted look back at the funeral.

Taking a deep breath, Squall knew what he had to do – his damn job. His next words were calmer than they had ever been on any mission.

"_Lauren, three meters and slowly closing. Still at two o'clock. Backup holding approximately six meters out. Have them pull back to about ten. Remain at the side, do not re-engage the crowd."_

"_Copy, lynx."_

Rinoa still didn't know if she could watch - death wasn't something that she could ever get used to. She so badly wanted to bury herself back in Squall's arms, but that was the selfish part of her. Now, more than ever, he didn't need to worry about her; there was a time where they all had to grow up and face the inevitable alone. This was just another one of those times for her.

Closing her eyes, she listened for any sign of what was happening. Low rumbles crackled through the earpiece, commands now being screamed by a male through the headsets, and even the uneasy breathing of her husband. Even without using her sight, it felt like every sense was on fire, overloaded by fear.

Squall couldn't be annoyed with Rinoa's choice not to watch – this wasn't her life. She didn't choose it, but she was forcibly living it. He hated that he'd put her in this position… her nightmares over this would be his. This was another moment where he found it incredibly easy to hate himself. It wasn't as if these feelings resurfaced all the time, but they did happen. If he said he was completely fine - he'd be lying.

Again, he found that he had to ground himself. He would never know if it was from the therapist's exercises or their resurfacing bond. It had taken time to realize this but the bond between them wasn't just to help the sorceress, it helped the knight just as much – that is, if he let her in. This time, he truly had. Right now, it may have also been his saving grace.

_Eleven minutes, twenty-two seconds…  
_ _Twenty three…_

As for Zell, he silently continued to watch – not just the monitor, but the scene playing out in the room. He knew Squall couldn't be distracted and Rinoa knew that as much as anyone, so she let him be. But more than anything, the martial artist knew that she was out of her comfort zone. There was nothing he could for Squall's psyche right now, but he knew of at least one friend he could rescue. Walking behind the table, he made his way over to Rinoa, placing an arm around her.

She hadn't seen him coming, but she'd heard the steps. When she felt his embrace, she was shocked, but ever so thankful.

Until he got there, he thought this was just for her, but he quickly realized that she wasn't the only one that needed comforting. Yes, he had been trained and could have faced this alone, but facing it with a friend was so much better.

Truthfully, the monitor was hard for any of them to watch just knowing the countless possibilities, but the two SeeDs really had no other choice. As Sirtis had forced them into a holding pattern, it became even more difficult to bear.

This was a lethal game of chess; everyone saw the entire board and where each piece was placed. It was calculating moves before they were made, but knowing nothing of your opponent's mindset. It's was what was impossible to see that made this game so deadly - the inner workings of a madman's mind. He may have had them in check, or this could have been checkmate already, but until he telegraphed his move, it was a waiting game.

…And just when it seemed endless, it no longer was. Sirtis moved.

Squall's heart raced, but he found a way to keep himself calm – for both Lauren and Rinoa. A few minutes ago, this seemed impossible, but just as fast as a thousand doubts rose to the surface, they ebbed just as quickly. He knew it was far more than a single life out there; it wasn't about Lauren or even Kiros, but about everyone else who might become expendable pawns.

"_One and half meters, closing at three o'clock. Going silent. Godspeed, puma." _

Squall coolly stated what most likely would be his last words to her. There was even a moment where he realized he really did care about her and in that moment, he called her by the codename. If those where the last words she'd ever heard, they would be out of respect. Not many would understand, but he knew she would. Lauren was on her own, although back up was close, they would never be close enough.

In his peripheral vision, he caught Rinoa looking over as he said Godspeed. He wasn't sure why that particular phrase popped into his mind; he didn't recall a time he'd ever said it before. He had wanted to wish her luck, but saying 'good luck' didn't feel right. A moment after he'd said words when he thought of the Ragnarok. They made it through then, so maybe lightning really would strike twice and they'd make it again.

It was strange, but somehow thinking about the past brought a sliver of hope.

_Twelve minutes, fifty-five seconds…_

* * *

From Squall's last message, the SeeD knew that he had moved positions slightly, but she continued to play the game. Acting as if she'd been completely unaware of Sirtis' position, she continued scanning the back part of the crowd. It worked against every survival instinct not to pull out a weapon and take him down, but self-preservation was secondary.

Mentally, she did clock her ability to draw her side arm if it became a viable option. She also had a dagger secured around her thigh. If this went to hand-to-hand combat, she believed that she could take him. He may have been a well-trained sharpshooter where he would have easily had her at distance, but in unarmed combat, the playing field leveled.

_Twelve minutes, fifty-nine seconds…  
_ _Thirteen minutes even…_

Lauren trusted that her teammates had moved into position. She had no idea what to expect, a gunshot to the temple, a switch blade in the kidney, anything…

"I believe you're looking for me."

…Except _that._

His voice was calm, but the words were spoken with a methodical edge. Instinctively, as she turned around, her hand reached under her jacket to her weapon, but did not draw. It was an unspoken warning, or rather, that had been her intention. With his direct candor, she honestly didn't know who was the one being warned.

Back in the penthouse, all three were stunned. Even Squall had to pause, making sure he had heard Sirtis right. However, his disbelief didn't last long as he immediately fell back into a familiar role. He quickly resumed listening to the communication with his subordinate. Still, he'd be damned if it was _this_ easy. This guy was planning something and it was their job to figure out what the hell that was.

He listened through his earpiece as she never wavered.

"_Duncan Sirtis, remain still. Don't even breathe. Place your hands behind your back and you will be restrained." _

Back down below, a plain-clothed SeeD had been the first to make his way to the field commander. Within a blink of an eye, he was joined by a second SeeD and two members of the Estharian military. One of the soldiers nodded to Lauren, signaling that the suspect was covered. She then motioned for her team member to proceed, handcuffing the man not-so-gently. Sirtis was again cooperative, not resisting in the slightest.

"Check for weapons and explosives." That had been Lauren's greatest fear, but she knew everyone watching had the same thought.

The SeeD quickly followed orders and, in fact, felt the need to double check. They had expected to find _something_, some sort of weapon at the very least, but the guy had nothing – no gun, no knife, or even a set of nail clippers. Nothing.

"Commander… he's clean." Even though he had been searched, there was still an air of uncertainty in SeeD's voice.

"Good. Clear the immediate area. The Estharian soldiers will stay with me for transport." Even if the danger appeared to be behind them, it was something that shouldn't be left to chance.

Her eyes made contact with the suspect. "Fair warning, you're in the scopes of many expert snipers. If you value your safety, I'd advise against trying anything stupid or you'll see firsthand how accurate those crosshairs can be."

"Their _sights,"_ Sirtis corrected, mirroring the tone she had used on him._ "_Garden tends to use bolt action rifles with 40x telescopic sights, although I'm sure Esthar has their fair share of archaic weaponry in the mix. Trust me, don't let them be the ones to attempt to shoot me, who knows what the hell those things will end up hitting. It doesn't matter what's pointed at my head – whether it's the sniper rifles or the .40 caliber Glock in your holster. I surrendered, I'm unarmed, and last I checked, I'm in your custody. It's your move, babe."

"_He's throwing irrelevant information at you trying to gain the upper hand. Don't let him."_

Lauren didn't respond to Squall's comment as she had already figured the same. She had to admit it was good to hear from her superior though; she never thought she'd hear that voice again.

Giving a single laugh, the intern commander scoffed. "Confusion – the oldest and most typical political tactic on record. It's rather ironic that you despise politicians and yet have no problem stooping to their level."

"_Save it for interrogation, Rachels. Get him into secure custody before setting him off," _Squall warned, still uneasy about this entire thing_. _He may have been trying the same mental tactics he pulled earlier.

The was also another reason - if Lauren upset him, even unintentionally, and Sirtis so much as flinched, someone watching from a rooftop with an itchy trigger finger could easily write it off as 'an aggressive attack.'

…And if there was one thing he knew with great confidence, it was that Lauren had the ability to push.

It was easy to get caught up in the rush of the adrenaline and if he had been out there in the field he might have had the same reaction. Still, Sirtis was very much out in public and discretion had to be maintained. How this was handled would reflect on both SeeD and Esthar; no doubt the World Council would be putting every move that they made under a microscope.

Making their way through the rather deserted streets, Lauren kept a firm hold on him. With a small platoon of security literally surrounding them, they then made their way towards the car. Soldiers had lined up to witness this for themselves; it was history in the making – seeing the man who killed the world savior. Most weren't afraid to share their opinion vocally, but thankfully everyone had been restrained enough not to take it to a physical level. The anger wasn't surprising though. Along with Squall, Esthar had lost an aide to this man and it was easy to hold that grudge against this coward of a murderer.

Still, this case had now shifted from capture to interrogation. It was about finding justice for all those he killed and then Sirtis' justice would be served later. As they made it to the police vehicle, Lauren watched as he got inside. The older man looked up at her before she closed the door.

"You might not believe me, but I don't want any more blood on my hands."

His words would never bring comfort; they only served to cheapen the blood already shed.

* * *

The surveillance team had lost video after Sirtis had been removed from the main area, but Squall still had an audio connection with Lauren. He had taken out his earpiece, having the sound coming directly from the radio's speaker.

Rinoa had listened closely at first but, after the danger passed, her mind had started to drift. She couldn't shake her earlier thoughts. It was easy to write this man off as a sociopath, but was he that or an enigma they hadn't cracked? When she had finally heard Sirtis talk, she couldn't help but think back to Squall's funeral. She honestly thought these doubts were behind her, but the minute she heard that same calm voice, she was transported back to when she was comforted by him.

She felt…_ dirty_? There was no other way to describe it. Hearing his voice wanted to make her run to the shower and scrub away all these feelings.

Squall had glanced from the radio to her a few times, but she hadn't noticed. She had been the one that wanted him alive and now Squall had to wonder if there was a small part of her that would eventually question that decision. It was one thing when it had been theoretical, but that was also before everything about Katipo had come to light. Sirtis not only held answers to his victim's murders, but possibly to Esthar's secrets. By him telling the truth, he could ease the mind of a few families, but shatter the illusions of an entire nation. Even Squall began to wonder if finding out why he was targeted was worth the price. Was anything worth this price?

The three of them had remained abnormally silent. They had been listening to every word said over the speaker, but no words resounded so loudly, nor cut as deeply, as the statement Sirtis made.

"_You might not believe me, but I don't want any more blood on my hands."_

"_Too little, too late. You already have blood on your hands. Lots of it,"_ Lauren curtly stated as the sound of car door slamming filled the room. It was followed by faint voices and shuffling, and finally a second door opening and closing. Lauren was going as escort, all of them knew this, but once the doors were closed and the sound of the outside world had been drowned out, she had one more piece of sage advice.

"_If you're looking for redemption, I doubt you'll find any here."_

"_You're wrong about that."_ Sirtis' tone again had remained tranquil. It was the same voice he had used when he first turned himself in. _"Esthar's where it all started. It's the only place it could end. It may not be redemption, but there is a finality."_

As Squall heard the words, there was a haunting, familiarity edge to them. He felt sick that he empathized with the man, even for a fleeting second. They both had been military heroes, fallen from grace and had outside forces that covered for them. They were the only ones who could impose any sort of accountability unto themselves and that's where their paths differed. Squall accepted his faults, taking his second chance for all it was worth. Sirtis on the other hand, had laid dormant, planning his revenge. Then when the time was right, just like the Katipo spider, he struck with venomous intent, then distributing his own form of justice.

Lauren had been right on one account - no matter what sick and depraved theory Sirtis believed - a man would never find redemption while focused on revenge. It pained him to admit this but, Sirtis also had a valid point. It had started here and this was truly the only place it could end in his mind. It might be ending in pain and death for Sirtis, but it would be an end.

The commander had to wonder how he would have fared under the man's situation. Hell, how anyone he knew would have fared. What kind of twisted government would order a solider to shoot his peers for escaping? The soul of the military's infrastructure is trust and if you remove that, you have nothing… _correction_ – you have monsters - you have Duncan Sirtis.

"I can't believe it's almost over."

Zell's words weren't spoken with his natural enthusiasm; it was so anticlimactic that it was hard to accept anything as truly 'over.' The man literally walked up and turned himself in without so much as a fight… maybe with a little intellectual goading, but never a fight. Even now, all three of them kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something that would give it finality. Something that would give them closure.

"I don't think it is." There had been a surprising darkness to Rinoa's words. Still, she said what they had all been thinking. "That was too easy."

If she had always been the most optimistic of the group, then why couldn't she just admit this was over and walk away with a smile on her face? There was something she couldn't put her finger on – dots that still hadn't been connected.

Why give up now? Why give up after mutilating a father of two and ruthlessly shooting six others? Why do you pick now to turn yourself in? There was no final act of glory, no desperate attempts in the eleventh hour. _Nothing._ No matter how misguided his brand of justice of was - it would be hard to walk away from such strong ideology, not without just cause.

"Rinoa, I don't know if it's over, but I'm sure time will tell. The one thing I know is that our job isn't over. We wanted to be able to ask him questions and now we have to be prepared to live with the answers."

Squall took his seat as he quickly started to organize the files and notes – now was the time to put all the pieces together. He turned his radio down, but left it on in the background. He didn't have to glance over to know that Zell and Rinoa hadn't moved. He understood how they felt, but they didn't have time to have some brainstorming session. They needed to get to Sirtis before someone else did.

"Do you think he'll expose Katipo project to the world?" she asked quietly.

Squall had figured that she had been thinking about earlier and she was second-guessing herself. It was great to want answers when they were in Fisherman's Horizon. It was easy to focus all her energy on giving Blalock's family answers. Now things had turned on its head and they knew the pain this man could cause could spread like a cancer throughout an entire nation.

"Yes." Like he said to her before, sometimes answers aren't the ones you want. "Rinoa, his knowledge is his bargaining chip; he didn't walk in here today without some holding cards. Don't think for a minute that any of us can control the information Sirtis lets out into the public. Even if someone decides he's better off dead, he could have files programmed to send at any time or have sent the information to the media. Just because we have him doesn't mean it's over. It's just over for him."

"Yeah, sorry Rin, Squall's right. He didn't come in here without a backup. I'm guessing he didn't think he'd even get this far alive, you know?"

Squall finished stacking the last of his files. "His killing started off so methodical that originally nobody connected them together. It took months before anyone realized there was a serial killer and by then, the damage was done. He's left his mark in precise, calculated strikes. If he's looking for redemption, he's got to expose the cover-up and what Esthar put him through. That's his end game."

"Laguna…" Rinoa said sympathetically, feeling a wave of dread wash over her, "…Seeing Esthar fall like that will tear him apart. He was devastated after the Lunar Cry – but at least the city could band together against a common enemy. He won't know who he can trust there or who would turn on him."

"If this goes public while Esthar's already in a volatile position, no one's safe from blame. There's going to be finger pointing and the blame will even pre-date his presidency. This could be nothing short of a civil war." Squall wasn't going to sugarcoat it, but he did feel bad for his father. The man was still cleaning up from Adel's mess.

She placed a hand on Squall's arm. "Do you think we could stop him before it goes public? For Laguna? I mean, talk him out of whatever he has planned on doing?"

Squall looked away; he knew the answer and something told him she did too. "If there is any stopping on Esthar's part, it's not going to be talking. As far as him keeping quiet, why go through all of this just to walk away?"

"Forgiveness? Redemption? Maybe, just maybe, he cares about his country still. They didn't all turn on him."

She looked to the ground. It was so easy when they were talking in hypotheticals and names without faces. Standing up, he reached over and forced her to look at him. "Let's hope it doesn't come down to the worst, but we can only do so much. Some wars just aren't ours to fight. Some secrets aren't meant for us to keep."

She still looked unconvinced, but that was all right, he wasn't either. "Look, whatever Laguna decides, whatever happens, we'll support him a hundred percent. Not SeeD, not Garden, _us_."

"Okay." She wrapped her arms around him. It might not have been an answer to the problem, but it was something. He was going to support his father's decision, not as a commander, but as a son.

"Ready to head down to the police station for questioning?" He squeezed her shoulder as they he started to lead her to the door. Leaning over, he whispered, "Not the first time you've heard that one before, is it?"

She managed a tiny laugh, glad he was trying to cheer her up. "Why are we going to the station anyhow? Seems like we should head back to the Palace."

"It's a compromise. The police are working as a liaison between Esthar's military, SeeDs, and the World Council. Sounds like a shit job to me personally. I'd love to see anyone try to get one of those agencies to agree to anything, even the kind of donuts being served. I guess the building itself is some kind of multi-million Gil complex downtown, housing several of the city's offices. It's secure. That's all I care about."

"Ah." She stopped and started to dig through her pocket. He had paused beside her as she seemed to be searching for something. It took only a second until she produced a familiar set of keys. "Wanted to make sure I had them before we left. I'm feeling kinda scatterbrained, it's been kind of… difficult.

He gave her a small squeeze, again trying to lighten the mood again, if only for a few minutes. "Scatterbrained right now? How's that any different from normal? Plus, I know you're going to miss that van. Don't lie."

She laughed a little louder this time. "If all goes well, this could be the last time we're in it together. It's kinda sad… it'll be like I'll be saying goodbye to a family member. You know that distant family member you avoid at get-togethers because they smell like mothballs and Gysahl greens, but a family member nonetheless…"

"And I thought _my _family was odd."

She gave him a playful nudge in the side as he continued.

"Plus I'm sure I can talk Cid into either selling us the van or giving it to us as a wedding present. I know how you feel about goodbyes, so I'll do the knightly thing and try to save you from this one. I always thought of buying more property, but a twenty-year old company van that will forever have the odor of Zell's bare feet works too."

As they got into the elevator, she didn't have to contemplate that for long. "…Thanks, but we'll just take a picture for the scrapbook."


	29. Distant Voices and The Enemy  Within

 

 

* * *

_ **Seventy-Seven: Distant Voices  
  
** _

* * *

 

 

Nobody knew what to say.

That might have been an oversimplification of the situation, but it didn't change the fact that not a single word had been exchanged between the three so far.

Upstairs, Rinoa had made a playful comment and they joked and smiled - for a few brief seconds, everything felt normal. Now, the twenty-first floor felt like a world away.

When the elevator doors closed, a cold rush of air hit them; inadvertently, it had become a sign of things to come. It seemed like the second the temperature fluctuated, so had their frame of mind - the playful banter between them suddenly dried up. There had not been so much as a snide or sarcastic quip, not a single word. There was _nothing_. In essence, they knew the crescendo of the piece had all been played; the only thing remaining was the encore.

Today was the beginning of the end. When the ovation was over and audience cleared the only thing left would be this strange mixture of both emptiness and accomplishment. The second the elevator doors had closed, all had realized that this movement had basically come to an end.

When the elevator doors opened to the basement, even without speaking, everyone knew their place. By now, even the smallest things had become second nature. Squall and Zell remained out of view while Rinoa checked the area. The garage had been secure on the way up and seemed to be that way now. It was completely empty, save for the van-from-hell and two other Estharian cars parked nearby, ones which Kiros had already given them a head's up about.

As she stepped onto the pavement, Rinoa was greeted with another blast from the air conditioner. On instinct, she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to get warm. That was something else that could be said about this building as well - besides their love of built-ins, they also liked to keep the common areas at bone-chilling temperatures.

Still chilled, she started to walk briskly towards the van. It wasn't long before she could sense someone coming up from behind who was matching her pace before ultimately moving to her side. There had been no reason to turn, she already knew who it was, but when an arm went around her shoulder, she couldn't help it. Glancing over to her husband, she threw him a thankful smile as he tried to keep her warm.

_Today _was a beautiful, remarkable dream that suddenly scared the hell out of her. It was if she was waiting for that other shoe to fall or, maybe their case, for the glass slipper to be shattered. Her fears had seemingly come out of nowhere, but she wondered if that was due in part to Sirtis. The way he just gave up so easily didn't feel like a victory, it felt like a trap. For the first time, she realized that she had honestly become more scared of him behind bars than when he was free.

She didn't say anything, opting to just smile and nod when they'd reached the van. When they parted, she quickly made her way to the driver's seat as the two SeeDs had taken their customary places in the back. It wasn't long after that when a short transmission from Kiros alerted them they were almost to the garage.

"_Miss Heartilly, do you copy? I stopped by to pick up two associates. I apologize for delay."_

Actually, he had been right on time, if not a few minutes sooner than they had figured. She picked up the radio from the dash and her brief reply of 'copy' was the first word said since being upstairs.

Kiros had cleverly disguise the true meaning of his message; it was never intended as an apology for 'being late,' but to serve as a warning that they wouldn't be arriving alone. She recalled doing something similar back in Timber – the night she went out to dinner, she had made a fake call to 'Selphie.' Of course, her only reason was to give a heads up to the guys that Zone would be coming home with her. Thinking back, that was only about a week ago, yet somehow it felt more like years.

After setting the radio down, she readjusted her mirrors; it wasn't needed since she was the last to drive, but it was more or less busywork to keep her mind occupied. Then again, leave it to her to get _distracted _from her _distraction_. Somehow, she forgot what she was supposed to be doing and instead found herself looking at Squall in the rearview mirror. Without saying anything, she watched as he gathered up some papers from the small desk area, flipping through them briefly before placing them in folder.

He must have sensed it or maybe she just wasn't good at being subtle, but he stopped and looked up, easily catching her spying. For some reason, she was sadly reminded of those awkward years of her youth. It was like in school, when she first had a crush on guy, only to be caught staring at him in the halls. Of course, this was not some upperclassman who didn't even know she even existed - it was her damn husband. And yet, she still managed to feel just like a nervous schoolgirl in that moment.

He didn't call her out. Instead, he held her gaze for few moments before returning to his work as if nothing happened - and really it hadn't - but somehow, she felt like it had. Resting her head on the steering wheel, she closed her eyes, wondering how much longer this day would be; she really just wanted it to be over.

About a minute later, she heard the distinct sound of a door opening and quickly sat up, rubbing her eyes. After all she'd gone through, a nap would have been nice, but it also would have been impossible. Then again, she was _partially_ at fault for being so tired, having not gone right to sleep last night. The other party _partially _responsible had just caught her staring at him a minute ago. With that thought, she tried to hide her smile by stretching her arms and yawning as she watched across the way.

The door wasn't too far away, but enough that it gave them a little leeway in space. Kiros and Ward were the only two people she saw at first, but it was likely that they had taken the lead with good reason. When they looked towards the van and could see them clearly, she gave them a casual wave to let them know they were clear from their end. Kiros turned back around as if he was speaking to someone before he headed towards one of Estharian vehicles. It didn't take long before two others emerged from the door, trailing behind her friends. Rinoa squinted, trying to focus on the strange men; she believed they may have both been sitting members on Esthar's cabinet. In the back of her mind, she realized how much she had come to dislike secrecy in general. It was one thing when Sirtis was free, but now it just felt counterproductive. Yes, it was necessary and she understood _why _they were doing it, but it didn't mean she had to like it.

As for Squall and Zell, they knew it was in everyone's best interest to keep a low profile; even with Sirtis in custody, there were still some major question marks on who they could trust. Squall understood that him suddenly being alive was going to take a little more explanation than simply showing up at an interrogation, walking through a door, and gleefully proclaiming, _'Ta-da, I'm alive!' _

That might have been Selphie's approach if she had been in his situation as 'gleefully proclaiming' seemed like something that might have been right up her alley, though she'd be more likely to proclaim, 'Tee hee! Let's _party!_' instead. That might have been Selphie's take on life, but certainly wasn't his, although Squall doing the latter certainly would have given people more to talk about than him simply being alive.

Squall crouched down, staying in the shadows enough to watch what was happening outside as everyone got situated in their respective vehicles. He then pulled back when Rinoa started the van and made his way back to the bolted-down stool in the back. He wouldn't miss this at all, even more than the van itself, and he hated this cursed thing. After this, he knew he'd never forsake his executive leather office chair again. He quickly made a mental note to take it with him - hopefully Garden wouldn't notice.

It didn't take long before they were on the road again. Kiros and his passenger led the way out of the garage, followed by Ward and his. Rinoa stayed close behind, not wanting to get separated – that would have been the last thing they needed today. Along the way, their small convoy was joined by two more cars, one being Laguna's black sedan. Rinoa had to giggle as she saw the reflections of the makeshift parade in a nearby glass building. Here were these four impressive, high-end cars in a Presidential motorcade of sorts and smack-dab in the middle of it was the infamous van-from-hell, complete with a tacky, giant red rose decal.

Thankfully, at least for her, the parade was short-lived. The lead car pulled into a massive structure that looked like it encompassed several city blocks. The way the roads were set up reminded her of an airport as its layout directed commuters to different terminals, but only it was different organizations in this case. She only saw a few things housed in the building - police headquarters, housing commissions, banking, conference center, and even an outpost of the World Council.

"_Great_," she sarcastically thought, rolling her eyes at that, _everything seemed so much better with them around._

She continued with the convoy's game of follow-the-leader as they broke from the main drive to go onto an access road, making several twists and turns along the way. She hoped that someone would draw her a map to get out of this place or she and Squall may be spending the rest of their honeymoon trying to navigate this labyrinth – because god only knows he wouldn't stop and ask for directions. Tired already, the thought made her giggle though she tried not to give herself away by biting her lip. After the awkward moment in the mirror, she didn't want to give him another reason to wonder about what she was thinking.

At last, they went through a gated checkpoint, which thankfully they got through much more smoothly than their earlier attempt at the spa's security booth – at least this guard just waved her through, clearly a benefit of being part of the President's motorcade. Finally, they pulled into a small, secluded parking area. She turned the engine off and waited in the van. The more she looked at the building, the more it the truth sank in – Sirtis was in there. The man that had been devious enough to commit six near-flawless murders and yet had waltzed up during a crowded press conference to turn himself in, more or less smiling the entire time. With a man like that, it honestly begged the question of whether or not they walking into a trap.

She even took this moment to think about how gigantic this place truly was and how nicely Esthar had managed to fit in so many important organizations into one convenient… _target_. There was a time in her life where she would have been much more optimistic about this, but as life and time had slowly ebbed away, so did a lot of her naivety. Instead of solely marveling on the convenience of it all, she couldn't get past the possible security issues therein – police, banking, the World Council. Hell, in a minute, even the President of Esthar would even be inside.

She tried to stop herself from thinking this way and pressed her fingers to either side of her on temple, trying to ease the stress; she could feel one doozy of headache coming on. She watched the other cars as everyone talked for a second before breaking off. Ward, the Presidential driver, and the three other men were the first to go inside - no doubt a plan to get them out of the way. Kiros held back along with Laguna, who was now attempting to act casual; it was his 'not-so-obvious-but-very-obvious' way of waiting for the trio to get out of the van. Unsurprisingly enough, the President's subtlety left a lot to be desired.

Pulling the key from the engine, Rinoa looked at the key ring in her hand. She disliked this van, but realizing that this could honestly be the last time she'd be in it drove the point home a little more. Taking a sharp breath, she finally spoke. "This really could be it."

"I know. It really could be."

By now, Squall stood, crouched down by her side. She really didn't know when he'd moved from the back, but she really didn't care. Turning, she gave him a sad smile.

"…Then what?"

He was surprised. He thought that outside of Zell, she would be the most excited about this prospect. He turned to his comrade, giving a questioning nod. "You mind?"

"Nah, not at all. Gonna see if this behemoth of a place has at least one working coffee maker. It's a police station too, right? Here's to hoping there's some truth in stereotypes." He saw the files sitting there and he thought he'd help out. "I'll take these folders with me too… you know to help out and... can grab the door?"

"Sure," Squall replied as he leaned over, letting Zell out of the van. In all honesty, the commander didn't want to do this now – instinct was telling him that he needed to be in there, but he also knew that this might be their only chance at having a 'private' conversation for quite some time.

Moving back to her side, he squatted down, using the seat's arm for balance. He tried to smile up to her, but the gesture had been lost in translation between his mind and lips. He wanted to make sure she was all right, but he also wanted to move this along. So, to skip past the first part of this back-and-forth, he basically carried on a two-way conversation with himself.

"Rinoa, I know you didn't ask for me to stay behind, but I wanted to make sure we're on solid ground before we go inside. Yes, I also know if I'd asked if you wanted to talk, you would have politely said no. Even if you had something to say, I know you'd feel too guilty keeping me here. I've been around the block a time or two with this type of scenario."

He was trying to keep it lighthearted but quickly realized that, coming from him, it sounded more passive-aggressive than sincere. Not to mention, the whole 'asking to stay behind' seemed like jab at what happened before the Esthar mission. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he couldn't believe at how unbelievably bad he was at this.

"God, I'm hearing myself speak and I don't know what the hell I'm saying. The bottom line is we probably won't have a chance to talk inside. But before things blow-up, I just want to make sure that you're okay – that we are okay. I just want to know what's bothering you – and don't even try to say _nothing_, we both know it's something. Does it have anything to do with Sirtis?"

Rinoa sighed, staring at the keys still resting in her hand. "Yes and no… It's what I said - this could be the end."

"…And the end is bad?"

He hadn't thought so – it would be difficult, yes, but he certainly wouldn't define it as 'bad.'

"No, the end of the mission isn't 'bad.' It's just sinking in that this really is the _end-end_. The last week has been so perfect… well, besides a few minor bumps, and _we've_ been so perfect. It just seems like whenever things go this well in my life, it doesn't last. It never does."

Reaching down, she grabbed the hand that had used the arm rest for balance. He thought she was going to hold it, but to his surprise, she placed the keys in the palm. As he looked at her he realized that she truly did believe something would go wrong. He hoped that she was just handing him the keys to hold and not truly afraid that she wouldn't be around if he needed them.

Rinoa hadn't started crying yet, but if she didn't get the words out, she would be soon.

"Squall, I know our future may not be perfect, but I at least want the chance to try. It's like everything I see - I wonder if that will be the reason it doesn't work out. What if Sirtis does something to trap us all? Or maybe even Cid somehow guilts or forces you to stay at Garden?"

She paused, embarrassed that she was admitting this to him. "I'm scared. I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop. In my life, it always does."

He was never the optimistic one, but right now he needed to be. This time, he managed to give her a genuine smile.

"Come on." Taking her by the hand, Squall led her to the sliding side door of the van. He jumped down first, and then, like a gentleman, turned and reached up for her, helping down. Of course, the last time he'd helped her like this, it was from the back door and it had led to a rather heated moment in her garage. Sadly, history wasn't about to repeat itself this time, especially with the entire peanut gallery watching from the curb – the title of head peanut squarely belonging to his father.

Without explaining to her, they made their way to where the other three were waiting. He noticed Zell didn't even make it to the inside on his quest for coffee, but he had more important things to deal with at the moment.

Squall looked to his father. "Did you bring it?"

The man was grinning ear-to-ear as he pulled out a rolled piece of paper from his back pocket. "Told you I wouldn't forget. I didn't lose it either, although Kiros said I would."

The aide remained firm as he answered very matter-of-factly, "There has been enough precedence to justify what I'd said. Luckily, your pants' pockets tend not to have holes in them anymore."

"Hmph, whatever," Laguna mock pouted, folding his arms, "As I mentioned in the Lunatic Pandora, nothing's cheaper than free… not like we'd ever figure out where that key ever went anyhow, but that's not the point. The key didn't have any meaning to me, this does. You'd better believe I'm going to protect this with my life. Not even Elastoids, Gespers, or dynamite that makes boulders roll randomly downhill to expose cool things will distract me from my mission."

"A simple 'yes' would have sufficed," Squall said through gritted teeth. It was so hard sometimes…so damn hard.

"Squall?" Rinoa asked softly.

He turned, holding both her hands in his. "I told him that if the plan worked and we caught Sirtis… before anything else, we're making _us_ official on paper. By the time Sirtis is questioned, we'll officially be Mr. and Mrs. Leonhart, but truthfully, we already were."

"All right, okay." She nodded with a knowing smile.

Honestly, this hadn't exactly been an answer to what she was worried about, but it was _an answer. _It also explained why Laguna was so insistent about waiting for them to get out of the van; she had vaguely wondered why the President acted like he hadn't seen them in months. The man could hardly stand still, but again, it was Laguna – no other explanation was really needed.

She didn't care who was watching as she put her arms around him. He momentarily tensed and hesitated before finally returning the hug. Again, if she had to be honest, she was glad that he had showed a tinge of reluctance; she never wanted him to change completely. The fact was she could have easily kept talking or explaining her fears more in-depth. With her luck, she'd end up giving him enough reason to talk him right out of filing.

From today forward, she wanted to live in the present – this was her leap of faith. A thousand things could go wrong – whether it was tomorrow, two weeks, ten years… nobody knew but, then again, nobody ever does.

Breaking the embrace, he still held on to her and as he held her left hand, his fingers played with her wedding band.

With his free hand, he brushed some hair out of her face as he looked into her eyes. "You know, you're right, maybe someday that other shoe may fall, but for now, we'll just each wear one shoe and hop around life happily on one foot. Then again, it may never fall. Either way, just think of all the exercise we'll be getting."

She laughed. That might have been the worst analogy ever, but it was so sweet. It also was something she could easily picture hearing from Laguna. That being said, she certainly wasn't going to ruin the moment by mentioning that.

He had been glad to hear her laugh, but now he needed to be more serious. "I know the next few months are going to be rough, I get that. And believe me, I also know something about doubts and questions. I can't stand here and give you answers and promises you may want, but neither can you. The fact is we can do this together – we were always stronger together than we were apart."

Zell let out a rather loud, "Aww." The commander ignored him, but Rinoa turned, giving him a quick death glare. It was hard enough to get Squall to talk in front of people, making any sort of comment probably wouldn't help.

"Let's get inside. Laguna has a document to file and we have a suspect to interrogate."

Taking her hand, he began leading her inside. Zell quickly caught up, "Wow Squall, I guess we've been on this mission for a long time. I mean, I never thought my optimism would rub off on you."

"It hasn't," he said tersely. "I keep a small vial of it in my duffle bag. Saves me from having to kick everyone's ass. And for the record, I just used my last drop, so I'd step away." Right then, Squall realized that this would be the perfect time to ask why he was even there in the first place. "Didn't you have coffee to make or something?"

"Yes, but apparently, I couldn't go walking around without an escort… somehow they're all under the impression that I like to wander around and touch things."

"Slander," the commander shot back sarcastically as they continued into the building.

As promised earlier, all the hallways in the path had been cleared. The group continued to silently follow Laguna and Kiros down a few more access corridors before the rejoining the main interior. When the passageway came to a 'T' Laguna grinned happily and pointed to the left hall.

"This is where I bid farewell for now. I need to head this way, hopefully. You just keep following Kiros, he's the expert here. Trust me, it's really easy to get all turned around in here and that can be… _embarrassing_. Oh yeah, and Squall? Don't worry about secrecy - I know the clerk who works in records, so we're all good. She won't say anything… I have my ways to keep her quite and, if nothing else, the Cuchi-Cuchi treatment always works," he said cheerfully.

Not knowing if Laguna was serious or just made an ill-placed joke, Squall and Rinoa exchanged glances, but said nothing. It was_ so_ much better for everyone that way.

"Uh, so… yeah then, see ya!" Laguna said as he headed off.

Squall was extremely glad that hadn't gone further. There were certain things he was better off not knowing in life, now mentally amending one more thing to that list. Still holding Rinoa's hand, they continued down the hallway. Honestly, in a normal situation, he would have let go by now, but seeing that they had closed off the halls, stating security reasons, he didn't protest. Still, the barren halls gave him time to focus on the building. Everything in there was so pristine and white, even the paint smelled fresh and his mind flashed back to his room at the medical center outside of Dollet.

He subconsciously squeezed Rinoa's hand as he thought about that place. He remembered the void of waking up, or what little he could recall of the details. He might have had recalled specifics, but it was the mere feeling of emptiness would haunt him most. If he had ever once thought Cid's plan would turn out like this, he would have been a little - no, _a lot _\- more cooperative from the beginning; then again, if the headmaster had known how it would have turned out, he may have reconsidered. Thinking of Cid, he realized that he hadn't seen him since the hospital, and the few times they had spoken usually ended up resulting in insubordination. After his defiance, resignation, and subsequent wedding – he wondered how well the reunion would go today.

To say the very least it would be… interesting.

Finally, they reached a security door and Kiros entered in a code into the electric panel.

"Sorry about the walk - there wasn't a secure path that was more direct and we needed to keep you out of sight. I think we've covered a good portion of the lower level."

"We understand." Squall answered with a slight nod.

Stepping into the room, they discovered that they were in some sort of lounging area. Rinoa had spent some time in police stations, her arrest notwithstanding, but nothing compared to this. The décor in here could easily rival anything at her mansion in Deling. There were two oversized dark sofas separated with a black lacquer and glass coffee table. The whole room was black and white, with a splash of red highlights – there was something very 'Squall-like' about it. Even the art on the wall reminded her of the pictures he had in his apartment, thankfully the only thing missing was that god-awful statue he had on his coffee table.

"It's nice."

Squall let go of her hand as he looked around. He walked toward the wall closest to them and checked out another code-operated door, but was unsure where it led. Looking towards the other side of the room, he noted all the amenities. It had a full-size kitchen area, complete with a bar and four stools. Towards the other wall was a six-person glass-topped table.

"I thought it was very you," Rinoa added. As she looked around, she wanted to find out about this place; it wasn't like any other building she had ever seen before. "Kiros, can I ask what this place is exactly? It's so massive… and eclectic."

"Absolutely." He nodded, glad to explain. Since the Lunar Cry had destroyed many buildings, this one was one that Esthar had been most proud of. "This is the Pandora Freedom Complex, and yes, it was meant to be diverse. The name may seem inappropriate given the tragedy, but it was designed to show how Esthar united in the face of adversity. The majority of the west side houses many of Esthar's sub-divisions of government such as housing, banking, agriculture.

"More importantly, it's eventually set to be the new home of the World Council, but for now, they are only using about a tenth of their allotted space, mainly administrative. Actually, we're in an area that's supposed to be jointly used by our police and the World Council for high-profile cases. This particular room is a waiting area for dignitaries that have requested to listen in on interrogations. As a side note, the police have their own normal rooms they prefer for questioning. Trust me, this isn't their style."

"Explains the full bar, not exactly standard police issue… but I'm sure my father would feel right at home though."

"Definitely not police issued," Kiros agreed.

"I have heard of it, but for some reason I'd only heard it being called the Freedom building. I guess I didn't realize it wasn't the official name and I absolutely had no clue that it was this big."

"Well, Miss Heartilly - my apologies, Mrs. _Leonhart,_ you'll most likely deal with Laguna and we'll be remaining in our offices. It makes it convenient as Laguna likes to be able to run upstairs for meals. Plus we tend to have mishaps every so often."

"I like it better too. For being in such a big building, Laguna's place is very comfortable. I really do feel at home there." She smiled but added as an afterthought, "Oh, yeah… I think I've already told you to call me Rinoa… please. You're family…well, kinda sorta. And trust me, it's easy to forget the last name thing. It's going to take me time to adjust."

By now, Zell had fallen onto the couch, finding no difficulty in making himself right at home.

"Guys… this place is _so_ much nicer than my dorm at Garden. I gotta say this is like the most impressive police station in history - ever." Looking back over his shoulder, he had a huge grin on his face. "Rin, next time you decide to solicit an undercover cop and get arrested, do it here. This beats the hell out of the waiting room in Dollet, hands down."

Realizing his double entendre, he laughed at himself. "Then again, I probably shouldn't have said 'do it' given the charges."

Rinoa couldn't look Kiros in the eyes, hiding her face behind her hand. Sure, Squall and Zell understood the huge mix-up, but she didn't exactly want to go around publicizing it.

"Meeting an informant, misunderstanding, undercover cop, prostitution charges, you know – the usual," she mumbled.

The aide let out a soft chuckle. "Again, you forgot who my boss is. Let's just say that I fully understand and leave it there."

"…And there's another thing I'll never be able to un-hear," the commander said under his breath.

It was about that time that Zell remembered what his original goal had been. "Score!"

Kiros merely shook his head as the martial artist shot up from the couch and zipped passed them. He looked back to Squall as he pointed to the side door. "Commander Leonhart, I know you're eager to get back to work. If you go through here you'll be in a small hallway that leads directly to the interrogation area's viewing room. The security codes are currently bypassed only between these two rooms as the one we used to get in here still requires a pass code. Also, if you need them, the doors against the west wall are the pantry and a full bathroom.

"As far as the interrogation, it's your typical one-way, reinforced glass. Mr. Sirtis won't be able to see _you_ in particular, but make no mistake, he is acutely aware we're watching. For now, he's alone, but if the man so much as raises an eyebrow, it will be caught on camera. Commander Rachels is waiting in the viewing area; she wanted to take this time to study him. Of course, she's waiting for you to proceed, but we felt there was no harm in letting her in. So, when you're ready, you may proceed at your discretion."

Kiros hesitated, his words becoming less confident and his demeanor more conflicted. "Esthar is… letting SeeD take point. That fact is not sitting well with our men but, after things start to come out, we need to look as impartial as possible. Since you're… alive, we're deferring to your rank and position and think it's best you call the shots. Once Katipo comes to light… let's just say there's going to be scrutiny. Right now, we don't even know what we're up against so we need to free our resources – just in case. However you handle this between you, the headmasters, and Garden protocols will be fine."

"This is for the best," Squall agreed.

The commander knew the questioning would either fall to SeeD or the World Council and the latter was not a desirable option to him to say the least – not if they wanted some control over the situation. In all honesty, he would have liked to have said that the 'they' he was referring was the joint headmasters of the three Gardens, but he'd also be damned if he would let that happen.

He didn't want to lose control of this situation; this was just as much for Zell and Rinoa too as _they _were the only 'they' that concerned him in this case.

"Commander Leonhart, I was also supposed to pass along that Cid Kramer should be arriving no later than two hours. I'm not sure what your intent with Sirtis is, but I thought you should know. Right now, I have something that I need to check on, but I'll be back shortly. Again, all decisions are up to you."

"Understood." Squall saluted as the Kiros left the room.

"Oh goodie, two hours - I can't wait," Rinoa deadpanned as the door closed. "Just when I think this honeymoon can't get any better… surprise, it_ does_."

Somewhere in the back of her mind, selfish or not, Rinoa was glad that Laguna was filing the marriage certificate. The last thing she needed was for Cid to give his two Gil about Balamb's star gunblader and heroic commander getting married on a whim, although she was sure that nothing would stop him from voicing his opinion. It was one thing if she or Squall had concerns; it was another when it came from outside sources who had ulterior motives.

He wouldn't lie to make her feel better, but he did want to offer her hope. Pulling her close, he gently kissed the top of her head. "Don't worry about what others think so much. We know why we did what we did and those that matter most will support us. Yes, it may be a shock to some and take time. And as for Cid, I was thinking about that a few minutes ago. Though I can't guarantee anything, but it'd like to believe he'll come around in time and, if he doesn't, well… Matron will kick some logic into his ass."

He heard a muffled laugh and with that simple sound he knew that everything would be all right. Although even he had to concur – _worst honeymoon ever._

"You know what Squall? You _are_ good at this when you don't think about it so much."

He smiled, but she couldn't see it. "Thanks. Of course, now that you pointed it out, I'll start to think too much and mess it up."

"Oops, my mistake," she replied jokingly. "Now, go make Matron proud and kick some logic into Sirtis' butt."

He pulled away, guiding her towards one of the couches. "Now that we have that settled, I want to talk to Sirtis before the headmaster shows up. Maybe he'll be upset enough about that fact - he won't give a damn we're married. But in all seriousness, the interrogation is going to be a long, difficult road. If you feel too uncomfortable, stay in here. Lie down, take a nap… anything to get your mind off of this."

She looked up at him, knowing he was being diplomatic by offering her a way out. "Thanks, but you know wild Chocobos wouldn't keep me from being in there. I didn't come this far to sleep on a couch, even if it's an awfully nice one. Squall, we might not have started this together, but I'll be damned if we don't finish it together."

"You and Chocobos, I swear…." He shook his head. "Promise me that you'll at least take a minute for yourself, get coffee, go to bathroom, breathe - just do whatever you need. I'm going to go ahead and meet with Lauren. When you and Zell are ready and caffeinated, just head through the door. I promise nobody will start without you. Honestly, having your opinion might be good because on face-to-face conversations, you have an advantage over all of us. I might have studied files and videos, but sometimes it's what you don't see that's important."

She nodded, glad that she had something to offer, even if her usefulness proved very little in the long run. He leaned over, giving her a quick kiss. And with one fleeting smile, he took the folders, heading out the door.

* * *

Squall Leonhart was like a coin. For the most part, he had two distinct sides and while one was showing, the other remained hidden, just out of reach. Of course, the reality of it was much more complex but, to break it down into the most simplistic terms, his life had boiled down to heads or tails, Rinoa and SeeD.

And just like anything else that changed with time, he was learning to fuse the two sides together; maybe one day he would no longer be caught up in knowing where one edge ended and the other began. To allow those aspects of his life to blend would take time and patience - he had neither of those luxuries right now.

He had made progress, but there were still limitations and, unbeknownst to him, he was about to define those.

During the last week, Rinoa had mixed herself in with his SeeD life. He had learned to accept the overlap and even came to embrace it. However, when his SeeD life mixed itself in with Rinoa, it wasn't good. Sure, the difference could have been considered semantics to some, but to him it was two distinct ideas.

As soon as the door closed behind the commander, it felt as if he became another person – the tails side of his personality. Not entirely as nothing was absolute, but whatever need he had to comfort others was now replaced by determination.

Life was never simple. It was never black and white; it was never heads or tails and right now, he reminded himself of that. After he walked through that second door, he didn't know what he would find.

There were so many types of enemies, and nobody perfectly fit a certain profile, but there was one thing he knew for sure - facing a man who understood his or her own mortality was sometimes more complex than a magical beast. It wasn't about a clash of a blade or the timing of a spell; the battle was much more cerebral and a lot less physical.

Opening the next door, the first thing he saw was Lauren sitting at a small table. Several stacks of paper had been spread out in front of her, but she wasn't paying attention to that. Instinctively, Squall traced her line-of-sight, but even then, he already knew what she was looking at.

…And there he was - the man, the _monster_… Duncan Sirtis.

This was the man they hunted, the man they studied, the man who nearly ended his life in Dollet, and the man responsible for him being in Esthar, now… this was the man who changed his life, a man he wanted to thank. Of course, the commander would never go through with it for more than one reason, but that didn't negate his feelings. Only separated by a pane of glass, he looked at this stranger and wondered where he'd be this very moment, at least emotionally, if their paths hadn't crossed two weeks ago.

No, he knew exactly where he'd be - still denying the second side of the coin ever existed.

Lauren turned around, shortly after hearing the door open. The commander began examining the suspect, most likely making mental notes for questioning later. She didn't want to bother him at first, but he seemed to be taking longer than expected. Wanting to get to work, she cleared her throat in an obvious attempt to get his attention.

It worked.

For a fleeting moment, Squall thought she was going to bite his head off. His guess would be that she was upset about one of two things – either for disturbing her in the first place or for the insufficient use of Garden's time. Thankfully, she let the subject rest, at least for now.

Standing up, she gave him a proper SeeD salute. "Commander Leonhart."

"At ease." He tried not to roll his eyes, but it was difficult. "You don't have to be so formal, you know that."

"I do, sir, but given your circumstances, I thought this would be best for everyone."

To his surprise, the first thing that popped into his mind was, and god help him, he'd rather be trapped alone in here with Laguna… well, maybe.

Shaking that thought, it dawned on him that _this _was the first time he and Lauren had been alone since the shooting. The last time they had gone out publically to dinner was about three weeks before Dollet – a timeframe that made him cringe. When he broke it down like that, Rinoa's concerns about 'how the public would see this' held a little more validity. Still, as he had said, 'those that knew him, knew _them_, already knew the truth' and that no explanations or justifications would ever be needed.

And as he and Lauren stood face-to-face, Squall realized that he'd always felt uncomfortable around her and that was why they worked – at least, for him. Now, after just coming from being in Rinoa's company, it magnified how he felt. Thirty seconds ago, he found himself comforting Rinoa and making her laugh, all before leaving with a hasty kiss. If would have ever tried that with Lauren, she would have stiffened on the contact… or more likely gone somewhat Fujin on him, giving him a swift kick in the shins.

Squall never compared the two; he already knew there was no comparison. There just _wasn't_. Yes, he was glad Lauren was all right - for a few moments today he honestly thought she wouldn't be - but now he could see the life he had forced himself to live for exactly what it was. For three years, he didn't allow himself to be happy or to feel emotion and so he allowed himself to be complacent. It was merely existence, not life.

And if she was going to salute and call him 'sir' to passively challenge his authority then this was going to get old quick. He knew exactly what she was doing as he had been no stranger to it, especially when Quistis was his instructor.

The worst part of all this was that since he and Lauren had been going out nearly two years ago, this was the first time that their relationship had ever affected his performance in one way or another. He was determined to finish his career as a SeeD as distinguished as the first day he started.

"Lauren, drop the act. The only thing that's 'best' is getting through this. Seriously, I'm not in the mood for any official protocol shit. Let's cut to the chase and get the job done… Call me Squall - not commander, Commander Leonhart, and definitely not 'sir.' Even if you were being cute, you're right, Rinoa's probably not thrilled working with you, but something tells me you won't be too thrilled working with her either and you going out of the way to act unnatural isn't going to prove a point. Everything aside, you're a damn good SeeD, one of the best, if not _the_ best in Balamb. You and I have worked well on missions before… acting like this and butting heads isn't going to get the job done. I wanted you here for a reason, don't make me regret it."

Taking her seat, she managed to throw him a smile. "I get it Squall, I do."

She wouldn't apologize, but neither would he.

Sitting beside her, he did manage to smile back. "And before I forget to say it, you did a damn fine job out there… I'm glad you're here and alright. You had us worried for a bit."

"Can't say I wasn't worried too, but glad to be here."

"Get anything out of him on the ride over?"

"No, but I wasn't trying either. We needed a recording for reference and without documentation it would have been nothing more than hearsay. You know, abundant caution does no harm and all that."

"So I've heard," Squall said dryly as she quoted back another line from the SeeD handbook.

When he remained silent, she took the lead and prodded him for information. "Do you have any ideas of how to approach this?"

"A few, but I'll wait for the rest of my team. I figured I'd keep them directly in them in the loop and this way I don't have to repeat myself."

She let out stifled laugh. "Team? As in Zell?"

"And Rinoa," Squall added, trying to follow his own advice and not sound defensive. Unfortunately, it still came across just that way. He should have let this be, but for some reason, he felt like he couldn't.

"Rinoa's been an integral part of this mission's success. She's the one who had the initial contact with Sirtis and was key in connecting the dots that led to his arrest."

Ironic, _he_ was the one sounding by-the-book now.

"Well, yes, I understand she's helped a lot, especially in letting you stay at her place and driving around. I also get it was a lucky break she couldn't make it through the funeral. But she's far from trained and I just never thought of-"

"Well, _I_ do." Squall interrupted, in a tone that dared her to challenge him further.

He had half-expected Rinoa to be the one with the difficulties, but he truthfully hadn't expected it from Lauren. There was something about the way she worded things made everything sound like subtle jabs at her. It sounded like Rinoa's 'help' on the mission consisted of nothing more than running a hotel and being a chauffeur. There was also the way she inferred that the only reason Rinoa spoke with Sirtis was because she hadn't been strong enough to sit through his funeral. He might have been taking this completely out of context, but he didn't appreciate the way she so easily dismissed Rinoa's part.

For once, timing was on his side. Before he could answer with a few choice words, there was a knock on the door. Again, he didn't know who was out of line, but if he had been allowed to say what he was thinking, that question would've been easily answered.

"Come in," he said, his eyes still narrowed in her direction.

"Hey, we're here." Rinoa opened the door, and smiled, although Squall could tell it was forced. Someone behind her, presumably Zell, kicked the door open further so she could walk in with her coffee.

She hadn't looked around and whether that had been an intentional decision to avoid Lauren, Squall wouldn't say but, when she saw Duncan Sirtis from behind the glass, her eyes were like moths to a flame.

The longer she stared at him, the more Squall wished she hadn't been. It felt as if he was watching as her spirit drained from her body.

Standing up, he grabbed her coffee mug and placed it on the table. Taking a few steps back, he moved to her side. He didn't try to touch her, or comfort her in an obvious way, they just wordlessly stood together. He didn't want to make a big deal of it; truthfully, there was no 'deal' to make. The fact was that they both needed this; it couldn't be explained, not even to themselves.

She had to get past what she saw in Sirtis' eyes – and that was life. He was a living, breathing human being. It was so easy to hate a concept, even one she knew was true. The moment she came face-to-face with his humanity, everything she knew or felt seemed to be shadowed in doubt. She wanted to have even a fraction of the poise Squall had in these situations. And whatever strength his presence allowed her to gain, she was grateful for.

"Thanks." The single word was not just gratitude, but a sign that she was ready to move forward.

"Come on, let's take a seat … just don't look at him. He's not worth it." He placed a hand on the small of her back, guiding her towards the table. "You already know he can't see you so looking at him is only going to end up being counterproductive. Find an object and just focus on it - a paper, your coffee mug… on anything but him."

She nodded. It would hard, but she owed it to herself to take his advice. She glanced at Zell, although he was not what she was going to focus on, but was still a rather humorous sight nonetheless. He had already made himself at home, his stretched legs staking a claim on a good portion of the space underneath the table.

As the last two sat down, the martial artist made a motion to a mug on the table. "Yo Squall, you were busy so you probably didn't notice, but I brought you a cup fresh from the pot." He looked over at Lauren whose expression was intimidating, to say the very least. She didn't appear to be pleased; he knew that the delays and small talk were easily grating on her nerves. Still, he felt bad for not being polite.

"Oh… I um, can go get you one… or you can have mine, I just had a sip. I can go get you some though if you'd like, no prob."

"No thanks. I'd actually like to get to work."

"Oh, yeah. That's a good idea too." He winced as he realized how utterly ridiculous he sounded by suggesting that doing work _at work_ was a good idea. He saw Squall turn his head slightly from Lauren and, to the trained eye, it looked like he was trying to hide a thin smile. Squall noticed Zell looking in his direction and instead of looking away, the commander looked up the ceiling for a brief second and Zell could tell he was thinking 'whatever.'

He wanted to laugh, especially at the commander's non-verbal response. It certainly wasn't the time or place, but then again, Squall's sense of timing was often questionable. The most ironic part to Zell was that during Squall's tenure as commander, he and Irvine often did the same thing, sometimes rolling eyes or making faces when he they could. This would always be a moment he remembered with Squall; it was something so unusual, so small, and so ill-timed, that it was completely perfect.

He hadn't heard all of Lauren's comments, but he doubt he missed that much; still, it would probably be best to pay attention instead of reminiscing about something that happened fifteen seconds ago.

"…Searched and processed accordingly. They will also be outside the main door with rotation no more than every two hours. If it goes beyond a three minute window, they must report to Kiros for a security assessment, as per my request. So, I believe that covers everything thus far from my end. What progress have you made since you left the penthouse?"

"…We found the coffee maker _and _used it." Zell couldn't help himself. He'd so pay for it later, or possibly now, but the set up pretty much wrote itself.

Rinoa openly laughed, which probably wouldn't bode well for her either. She tried to cover her mouth, but it was no use. Even Squall was biting his lip to a point where it was turning red from the pressure. He was doing his damndest to remain straight-faced, but the cracks in his shell were becoming obvious.

To his surprise, when Zell turned to Lauren, she seemed stunned, but not exactly angry. She looked at him for a second before smiling. "Okay, okay, I get it. I'll take a step back, you take a step forward. Agreed?"

Now it was his turn to be stunned. Yes, when they had hung out as group, she did joke around, but he had never seen her smile during work. She was so more _Squall-like_ than Squall himself was most of the time.

"Okay, okay. I do have something riding on this – a trip home, so I'm with you." He wasn't being sarcastic that time; he really did want to go home. He looked between his fellow SeeD, finding himself unsure on how to address them properly. "So, um commander, command-_ers_? What's the game plan?"

"Squall's the commander, he's always has been. Right now, I'm just captain of this mission."

Squall understood she had deferred her title of out of respect for him. He didn't know how that would come across to the others, but he appreciated the gesture nevertheless. Still, when answering Zell's question, he didn't address her statement.

"The game plan is going to be complicated. SeeD, as in _us _and only us, needs to handle the questioning, but it's most likely not going to go over well enough for that to happen. Today, three agencies worked jointly on capturing Sirtis. So, no matter what we do, it's going to look like we're trying to vie for power. Esthar needs to stay out of it – that comes from Laguna's office, but the people under him won't understand. The fact is that they need to keep their hands clean - that way, whenever details on Katipo surface, they can focus on containment. The main problem with the World Council is that they're the World Council. They would say they're trying to be diplomatic, but since their definition of the word probably starts and ends with blood, instead of any chance of getting answers, we'd get a corpse. And as you know, the majority of SeeDs would prefer him dead. So, if someone else handled questioning, it's a crapshoot."

"Question," Rinoa raised her hand and then put it down. She had no idea what possessed her to do that. "What about Cid, where does he fit into all this?"

Squall went back and forth on what to tell her. And if he was waffling on what he thought the headmaster would do, that said something in and of itself.

"Deep down, he's a caring person. Rinoa, I know you don't see him like we do, but he does care about SeeD, about Garden. It's just that sometimes he can get blinded by that. Sometimes what he thinks is the best isn't. And if someone presents him with… let's just say a better or more beneficial solution, he may be tempted."

"Squall, what does that even mean?"

It was hard to explain to an outsider. He lived, breathed, and slept Garden, and sometimes that meant he had blinders on. "It means he's not going to be invested in anything to do with Katipo. His pledge was to Garden, not Esthar. The fact is that he's coming in with World Council members and if they managed to… do you remember with Norg? He doesn't always stand up to people, sometimes he does but it's too late. He's great financially and has built his dream… it's just that having others be in charge of his dream is what's helped made Garden today."

"…So if the World Council wanted Sirtis dead or Katipo exposed?"

"Rinoa, he doesn't always say no. I'll leave it there."

"…So it's really just us?"

He nodded. He didn't honestly know how to explain the situation with Cid; he was a complicated man and although Squall often found him a hypocrite, he never doubted that he cared. Still, the one thing he did take from what he said was that Garden was Cid's dream, it wasn't his. It was funny how simple it all became when it was spelled out in front of hm.

"Excuse me," Lauren began as she hastily started scanning the files, "what's Katipo? I've read everything in these files. Twice. There's nothing mentioned by that name I can assure you. Is there something else I should know?"

"Shit," Squall said when he realized the oversight. Truthfully, there was nobody to blame but himself.

For some reason, with all she knew, Squall somehow assumed that she had been briefed on everything, but that would have been impossible – they had never _told_ Garden everything. Of course she had everything in regards to the murders, but knowing the man's present meant shit about knowing the man's past - and as even his surrender showed, that remained key.

And here he was, in all his infinite wisdom, about to send her into the lion's den without a damn clue. Squall was mad. He was mad at his stupidity, mad that he had allowed himself to be distracted, but most of all, mad at his pure incompetence.

Zell couldn't say for sure why Squall hadn't answered yet, but he could take an educated guess and, while that was understandable, it wasn't helpful. Still, if Lauren continued to annoyingly flip through her files, all the while shooting accusatory glances, he was going to lose it. It was bad enough she was doing it so loudly, it was even worse knowing she was never going to find it.

"It's nothing you'll find on any paper. So… you know, you can stop looking. Promise," Zell added, shrugging his shoulders. "As for Katipo, basically, it's a long story we really don't know the first thing about. We have bits and pieces, nothing concrete."

Zell's voice snapped him out of it. Squall could reflect on his mistakes later, his only job right now was to brief her on the situation.

"He's right, you won't find it. That was intentional on our part. Until we had more evidence, we were trying to keep it out of the reports. The truth is going to hurt many people and I didn't believe it was a Garden matter. What we do know is that during Adel's regiment, a portion of Esthar's military doubled as human guinea pigs and Sirtis was left to clean up their messes. From what we believe, they used his skills as a marksman to shoot any colleagues who tried to escape. We don't know how deep his involvement went, but whatever happened seemed to have scarred him for life. Adel managed to create this monster with a warped sense of right and wrong. I'm not sure how much was choice, or an unfortunate destiny."

"There's no exact count, but we figure up to two-hundred died at the facility. Those that didn't… well, they did later… or still are. Sirtis is dying, he's got a few more months maybe…" As Rinoa said the words, she turned to look at Sirtis again. She wanted to heed Squall's warning, but she found it impossible. She didn't want to humanize him but, like or not, thinking about what he saw, what he was forced to do… it was hard not to.

Knowing she was uncomfortable, Zell jumped in. "Their families thought they'd died during a Deling missile attack, but that's just a cover story. From what we can tell, they were injected with something that they thought they were vaccinations. We don't know what they were testing or creating… although the idea of a 'hoard of biochemically-engineered army of indestructible zombies' has been thrown around, just sayin'."

Squall loudly cleared his throat, giving the martial artist a very distinct side-eye. "Ignore him. But from what we believe, there's supposedly a mass grave where Kiros proposed the new TEL line. We hoped that by saying the tacks were being re-routed in that area would be a message to him, drawing him out. We think he wants to expose Esthar before he dies; he's already proven he wasn't going down without a fight."

Lauren pushed a stack of papers away, knocking a few folders to the ground. "So, basically everything in these files is…_ useless_. The way I was planning on interrogating him is also useless. I was led to believe that these killings were politically-motivated, but it's not that random, it's something to do with his past – the one you didn't feel it was important enough to tell us about?"

"No, the current murders aren't tied to the others – the first six, myself included _are_ political. The final victim, Conner Blalock, was the only one that appears personal and the only one tied to Katipo. We're looking at this as two separate series of events, but our main goal is to find about the murders. The rest… we'd rather not delve into, but keeping quiet on Katipo isn't very likely to be on Sirtis' agenda."

"…But apparently covering it up is on ours?" Lauren sternly asked, "It's nice to see that Esthar has someone willing to keep its secrets, but I refuse to do that if this could come back on SeeD in any way. Do you know what would happen if we were caught covering this up? You say that you want to make it look like Esthar's impartial but I think you need to give the same consideration to Garden_."_

Squall stood up, walking to the door. "Zell, could you?"

The martial artist understood; some things didn't need to be asked out loud. Getting up, he offered his hand to Rinoa. She was more relieved than confused – she may not have always caught everything, but she quickly caught onto the fact that she wanted to be nowhere near this discussion.

After the door closed behind them, Zell and Rinoa exchanged glances. They hadn't seen that one coming.

Leaning against the wall, Rinoa was the first to speak. "I guess I thought she knew… I didn't really think about it."

"Garden only says what they know, or think they know, you know?"

She smiled softly. "I honestly do. So, can we trust her?"

"Well, it'll all be moot if Sirtis says something, but as far as trust, yeah Squall does. For good or bad – take that however you want. Of course, it doesn't mean they'll agree. There's nothing binding her from reporting what we know. Lauren can be… not bad, but well, she's actually a lot more… she's, um-"

"Yeah, I get that." Somehow Rinoa understood that garbled mess.

They didn't make the effort to move as Rinoa closed her eyes. She just wanted to get this over with, but yet again, she felt that they couldn't make one move without being forced to jump over some political hurdle.

They didn't know how long they would be waiting as it had only been a few minutes, but both suspected this could take a while. To their surprise, Squall opened the door and, as usual, his expression didn't betray anything. He never even mentioned the delay, acting as if nothing had happened.

"It's best we stick to the plan and Lauren goes inside. Sirtis has had some sort of interaction with her, although very little. He picked her to turn himself into and made some sort of off-the-cuff confession before getting in the car, it may be enough. We can hope he'll be in a talkative mood after all."

"I need to be clarified on one point," Lauren stood, looking at the man she was about to question. It was ironic how hearing a few details about his past had changed her perception. It wouldn't matter though. She was professional and this wasn't about feelings, it was about end results.

"If I can."

"How did you know he was going to show up today? If he wants to expose Katipo, why try to kill Kiros? Wouldn't he be glad for the assistance?"

"Yes and no... I can't give you a definite answer, but we've come up with a few working theories. You have to remember that this man has been planning his revenge for years. He knows how he wants this to play out and having Kiros ruin that might not fit into his game. More likely than not, he may believe that if Esthar starts digging around, they could easily remove any evidence they come across. If Sirtis wants to expose Katipo, those bodies need to be there. With all the commotion, he may think Esthar is trying to make everything disappear. It's plausible. As far as showing up… I believed he would simply out of pride. He knew we'd figured it out, he knew that we'd made a connection to the past, and there it was – a large invitation plastered on the news. He may be a lot of things, but a coward isn't one of them. We issued a dare, one that he was damn well going to take. One way or another, he was going to make an impact today. Mission accomplished."

Rinoa looked to Zell, feeling a little lost. She had no idea what happened or how they'd came to this decision, but apparently they had found a way to work through their differences.

By now, Squall had walked back over to Lauren. She was standing next to interrogation room door, watching Sirtis as the commander double checked the single folder in his hand. Without looking up, he casually asked.

"You up to this?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

"No."

"Then why do it?" she said with a smirk, snatching the folder from his hands.

He didn't smile, but he was more lax than before. Honestly, Rinoa found herself more confused by what was happening than by Sirtis. If she were to look at this from an outsider's perspective, the way these two fought back and forth made it seem like there was some sort of unresolved sexual tension going on here. She knew it wasn't, that it was simply the result of two Squall-like entities arguing - the pure bull-headed stubbornness alone was the likely culprit behind it all.

Still, she couldn't help but feeling a little jealous of the way they worked together at the same time. It was hard to describe and probably went back to her insecurities, but damn it, she couldn't wait for this to be over. She listened as Squall gave her a few last words.

"Remember, don't let him lull you into a false sense of security. For all we know, he's playing us or could be working with an outside source. There are still a lot of unanswered questions right now. Focus on why he picked those targets and not on my death, but talk about his victims equally – play down the SeeD aspect. He dislikes everyone equally, keep that in mind. Clean and simple." He put his hand on her shoulder, giving a final nod. "You'll do fine."

Lauren saluted, although it wasn't with the passive-aggressiveness like earlier. It was just enough to acknowledge his rank. He stepped away from the door, taking a deep breath. It was now or never and they would only have a small window of opportunity to talk this man… a window that apparently started five seconds ago.

* * *

She walked into the room with the conviction; she was determined not to give anybody a reason to second guess her abilities. With her hair slicked back into a bun and her uniform pressed, she wanted to let this man know who was in charge and it certainly wasn't him. Tossing a heavy folder on the table, she used a little more force than necessary, using the room's acoustics to amplify the sound.

"I'm sure there's a reason you walked up to me and turned yourself in so easily. If what you said is true, that you don't want any more blood on your hands, this is the time to live up to those words. How this plays out from here on out is no longer up to you. Your game is over."

"That's your problem, it was never a game. It was life and if you can't see that, you can't see anything."

For a while, that would be the longest sentence he'd said and also the most telling. The tone mirrored his earlier confession - there had been no malice in his voice but that would soon change.

Over the next few minutes, Lauren believed she was holding her own. The questions were rather mundane as she was trying to establish a read. She was trying to gauge his honesty - simple things like where he was born or how long he operated his weapons shop. They could all be easily verified, but she had the answers memorized long before she walked through the door. He usually responded with one word or brusque answers; it was obvious he was irritated, but for now, he was playing along.

Back in the observation room, Rinoa and Zell remained at the table, while Squall was standing by himself. Against the back wall were Kiros and Ward, they had walked in shortly after her first question. Nobody had spoken, feeling as though everyone was collectively worried that if they talked, they would miss something. The only person who didn't seem worried by anything was the suspect.

Squall quickly realized that this whole setup was pointless as there were no conflicting factors. Good cop-bad cop was clichéd as hell, but the premise was solid - having two opposing sides was the core of virtually any conflict. Lauren in there alone was useless and the commander highly doubted this man felt like spreading enough joy and goodwill to voluntarily confess. He also knew that if this kept up, he could feel the makings of a tension headache coming on.

The way Squall was standing looked lazy, but it gave him a better vantage point. Leaning against the window, his forehead was resting against the back of his lower arm. It blocked reflections and gave a more up-close view and, since couldn't be in there, this would be as good as it got.

"We need someone from Esthar in there."

The commander had noticed that each time Sirtis' military career was mentioned, even indirectly, there was a flash of tension on his face. It was the crack in his armor and it was their job to take and exploit it.

"I know you wanted to keep your hands clean, but this isn't going to work. His past in Esthar is what drove him to kill these men and we need to use that hatred as leverage." Pushing away from the window, Squall turned towards the two aides. "We need to use you as leverage."

Squall half-expected a fight, but was glad that they had enough common sense to see things clearly. Kiros folded his arms, but never took his eyes off Sirtis. "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but I agree. I'd send Laguna in _but_… I believe that I may be better suited."

"I agree," Squall said without hesitation. He didn't even want to think of the possibilities if they had gone the other way.

"I kinda don't." Zell spoke up, much to everyone's surprise, including his own. When all eyes were trained on him, he wished that he had kept his mouth shut, but apparently 'wishing' didn't help the situation - hopefully explaining would. He stood up, using his hands to make his point.

"I'm not saying Laguna's the perfect choice, but I've been watching this guy too and there's something about the way he's acting... little things like the first thing he said. It doesn't really line up with how he's acting now. He's mirroring her defensiveness, not creating his own." He emphasized this by pointing to a small mirror on the far wall.

"I mean, it's a hunch, but we've spent so long making him into some sociopathic killer… Okay, I'll give you that there are some things that point to this, like the whole 'gutting a guy like a fish 'isn't a normal behavior, but if we kind of scoot that over the side..."

With his last sentence, he had used his hands like he was pushing a box out of the way; his explanations started to look like an impromptu game of charades but he honestly felt passionate about this. He could also tell the commander didn't share his passion. That being said, even with folded arms and stern look on his face, Squall was letting him finish.

Standing behind Rinoa, Zell placed his hands on either of her shoulders. "Think of Rinoa. Take into account that he actually talked to her. Even she had said that he seemed to sympathize back then, we just didn't know the facts… heck he even planted a tree. Sociopaths aren't sorry, or at least the good ones aren't – at least, I think. Whatever… not my point."

Waving his hand, he continued on, "Sirtis wasn't trying to make a public display of remorse when he planted the tree. It wasn't like we caught him with his hand in the cookie jar and then he said 'I'm sorry.' He basically left a bag of cookies next to the jar for the next person to eat. He did it before he got caught too, and you know, he might have never been caught… at least while he was still alive. I think we're dealing with someone who's trained military, but has a hard time balancing that with real life. He's supposed to turn emotions off and on and he can't seem to do that anymore. I think if you want to throw him off, Kiros isn't good enough, so go personal. Go for Laguna. He's not only the President, but a victim's father."

"I think Zell's right." Speaking up, Rinoa placed her hand on top of the one Zell had on her shoulder. "There's been something off and as much as I want to think of him as the devil incarnate, there's something that I can't place. Laguna's from Esthar and if he's personally-attached, it's an emotional conflict. Squall, just think about it at least, please?"

Squall's look could have been easily described as, _"Are you fucking kidding me?"_ but he tried to remain level-headed. "Rinoa, you want an explanation that makes sense, one you can live with. Not to agree with Sirtis, but he's right about this being life. Our best bet right now is to use Kiros. He's the both more knowledgeable and less emotional than Laguna."

"I'm going to go in, if there are no more objections." Kiros didn't bother looking around the room, he was aware that there were objections, but the commander was right. "I'm going to try to remain in the background. If I do end up involved, I'll attempt to steer the interrogation in limited directions. I want to help, but Esthar needs to remain my first priority. If I feel that I need to step out, I will."

Squall quickly saluted, looking back to his wife. He could tell she was upset, but had decided that now was not the time; he could empathize with her reasoning even if he disagreed. As far Zell, he was a little more upset. Kiros had more or less summed it up - his first priority was Esthar and he knew Lauren's was SeeD. The problem was that it seemed like nobody's first priority was the truth.

* * *

As Kiros entered, Lauren stopped mid-question. She was surprised, if not a little upset, that he was in there.

"Duncan Sirtis, I believe you know who I am," the aide stated calmly.

The change of atmosphere had answered that question already - he most certainly did. Still, Sirtis held his own between the two. "Good cop, bad cop – how originally unoriginal. Or are we trying a new variation - bad cop, bad cop? Judging by who's in front of me, that seems to be more fitting."

"I've been reading up on you - heard you served in Esthar's military and I'd like to take this opportunity to extend our appreciation for your service."

"Bullshit. I'm not talking to _you _or anyone from Esthar. I'd rather deal with the SeeD here. I sure as hell don't agree with their methods, but at least I know where they stand. I'd rather stick with the enemies you do know – not the ones pretending to be your friend."

"We're not your friend, nor are we pretending to be."

"Obviously. I would choose my friends better."

Lauren stepped in between them, trying to draw Sirtis away from any further confrontation. "Why don't we just get start by talking about the victims?"

"I'd use the word victim ironically, but you're running the show."

She wanted to say something, but knew he was baiting her. If he was willing to talk, it was worth it let his inappropriate comments slide. She picked up the folder she had slammed on the table earlier and moved so she was standing beside him.

Opening in the folder, she took out the first of the pictures. They had been placed in sequential order according to the day they were murdered, not on date of discovery. Placing the first crime-scene photo in front of him, she pointed to the bloodied victim. "Let's try this in order - maybe you can walk me through it. First, let's talk about Patrick Spiner. I'm sure I don't have to refresh your memory, but he was a lobbyist from Deling."

He only glanced briefly at the photo before looking back to her. If they were trying to intimidate him by showing him human corpses, he couldn't be bothered. After the things he had seen done to his friends, it would take a hell of a lot more to garner some sort of reaction - this pathetic attempt was certainly far from it. Still, he felt like playing along - their game right? It might be fun to get their hopes up only to have them realize he was saying nothing at all.

"I believe Mr. Spiner was involved in a hunting accident outside the Monterosa Plateau. Unfortunate, I know… About as unfortunate as when he decided to allow oil to be drilled in the same area. Can't say for sure, but I'd venture to guess someone mistook him for the animal he was."

"Unfortunate," she repeated. Her eyes darted to the glass window before pulling out the second photograph. She again placed it in front of him, but said nothing, only pointing to the victim.

"Ah, yes William Koenig… ol' Billy-Boy in certain Estharian circles. Never met him personally, but I heard quite the sordid tales about him back in the day. Recently, I also heard tales – like he suggested the intelligent idea of digging a damn trench through the entire continent. Good to know money can still buy power, not brains. He claimed that a direct waterway would benefit trade for the entire country. In theory, not a bad idea if he'd honestly cared more about the people and less about lining his pockets. A few suggestions here or there and it might have worked… but that would've cost a little more money and time. In the end, it was all about him being able to buy a bigger home. It's too bad the only way he could see to do that was by destroying the only known nesting grounds for the white-tipped Chocobo. Their home for his, I gather… In another unfortunate turn-of-events, someone invaded his home before he could invade theirs."

As an afterthought, he added, "Seems to me you may want to question the birds. You may have the skills to handle them. But I'd be careful though, I hear they hold grudges."

"Don't even bother." She did not take kindly to his attempt at sarcasm. "Seems there's been a lot of unfortunate people lately it seems."

"No, what's unfortunate is that some other blow-hard is now running with the idea. Something tells me he may succeed this time, unless someone steps forward to protect the wildlife. Personally, that was a solution I was originally hoping to be a part of… but I've apparently been sidetracked… that and my health isn't what it used to be."

"My heart aches for you."

He was just toying with her at this point, but she refused to let him get the better of her.

His deep laugh felt unnatural as it filled the room. Following Squall's advice, she didn't continue to dig, not yet. This was about establishing information, knowing about a future target could be used against him later if needed.

Setting the next picture down, she asked, "What do you know about this man?"

"Since you asked so nicely, that's Christopher Pegg… but I'm sure that it comes as no surprise as the information is nicely typed on the photo's label, but for the sake of argument, we'll pretend you're illiterate. It's also says that he was a World Council member from Dollet, so since it's there, it must be true, right?"

"I don't answer your questions."

"Whatever you say. But if you want to know what's not on there, but was printed in the paper, is that he wanted to build a resort along the Hasberry Coast. Again, like Koenig, he's someone who doesn't give a damn about who he hurts in the process. It's the only known mating ground of another endangered species - this time, it's a turtle, the red-shelled Adamantoise. Pegg was killed in a mugging, if I'm remembering the article correctly. I'm sure there's a good 'tortoise and the hare' moral in there somewhere, but I'll let you use your imagination to draw parallels."

"You're right, it is a fable in the making," she flatly replied. Sometimes he made it so hard, but it wasn't like she ever believed it would be easy either. Pulling out the next picture, she continued. "What about him? Was Terik Beltran also the future star of some children's book?"

"I guess that depends if you decide to write it. Oh, sorry - touchy subject and all." He glanced over to Kiros, who did nothing but stood in attention. He wouldn't give the guy the satisfaction of responding. "Maybe your bulldog over there might take a crack at it. I know he's quite the speech writer and after babysitting the President for so long, I'm sure he's an expert on what children's bedtime stories are like."

"Your political views are noted, but for now, can we move along?" she replied.

Kiros knew better than to react; standing perfectly still, he was the unmarred image of a statue, but from behind the glass, the silence was broken.

"Fucking pompous ass," Squall growled, his hand fisted against the window. Sirtis better be damn glad that he wasn't in there.

Since Sirtis started talking about his victims, the entire atmosphere changed. The air felt heavy and even the normally-jovial Zell seemed to be grounded in his own world. As far as Rinoa, all she could feel... was numbness. To tell the truth, she was glad Squall had said something. Even if it was out of anger, it was at least something. There was also a quiet kind of irony in the fact that the only time the man's sarcastic quips had bothered Squall was when Laguna's name had been mentioned. It was one thing when Squall himself would make comments, but he sure as hell got defensive when it came from someone else.

Right now, it was the small things that she found herself clinging to; it gave her hope in spite of this man's depravity. The next thing would definitely be the hardest to hear however - Squall was up next. Closing her eyes, Rinoa prepared herself for what would come next. After hearing about Beltran and Siddig, she would ask the question they had all wanted to know for weeks - _why Squall?_ But she would have a minute to prepare, as the questions were still on the previous victim.

"How about Terik Beltran? I'm sure you want to say something about him."

"It doesn't matter what I want, you're the one asking the questions. I'm just telling you what you think you want to hear." He pointed to the picture, before flicking it across the table.

"Ah, Beltran, another one of Deling's most 'brilliant' cabinet members, also another unfortunate victim – wrong place, wrong time. Paper said it was drive-by shooting, no witnesses. I'm feeling generous, so I'll give you a lead - you may want to check with someone who had a family member die from malaria or yellow fever because of unsanitary water conditions. I'm not talking about a developing country, I'm right talking about just outside Deling City. Do you know that the city's water usage as tripled and their purifying efforts have become more lax in comparison? Trust me, this is something I know about, but Mr. Beltran thought that instead of using the money for building a better filtration system, he would a rider that gave the earmarked funding to restock Deling's military. Turns out, the tax first break was given to a manufacturer who specialized in submachine guns. Again, if memory serves, same type of weapon used to end our unfortunate man's life. Irony is a fickle creature."

"Apparently very fickle where politics are concerned. The irony just keeps building; it's almost like it was fate's plan… or did fate have an accomplice this time?"

"Hey, some say there are higher powers, but I personally don't think so. I'll let you know if I'm wrong in a few months."

"Interesting discussion, but we'll bottle it for later. Instead of that, since you're doing so well, let's continue." She pulled out the next picture, repeating the ritual. "Avery Siddig?"

"Ah, Mr. Siddig, such wonderful person and an esteemed councilman from Dollet, which is great, unless you're a fish. While his early political career was quite impressive, his later years left a lot to be desired. After the war, he found himself in bed with the wrong crowd, so it's only fitting he would end his life in an ocean bed. Little known fact, he alone was responsible for allowing the coast to be overfished. As a result of that and a few other things he had his hands in the reef at Holy Glory Cape has had a dramatic decrease over the last few years. Siddig didn't seem to care about what methods anybody used as long as there was profit to be had. Maybe in death he was able to give something back to the fish; you know a nibble here, a nibble there."

"Seems like all of these men had things in common with the environment."

"Never thought of that way, seems like you may be correct. Like Mr. Siddig learned, there are a lot of fish in the sea - metaphorically of course, as there are actually a lot less when he got through. But the fact is that all these men are just a drop in the ocean. Like in life, there are good guys and bad guys… it's nice to see the good guys getting ahead for once."

Lauren paused as her hand lingered over Squall's picture. It was very unnerving to see the photo taken while he was dying in Dollet, blood covering his body as rescue crews worked on him. She had seen it before, but yet facing the man who did this… the scene took on new life. She tried to remain emotionless, placing the glossy photo in front of him.

"And him?"

He again found himself laughing once more as he pushed the picture back towards her. Then, as if to make a point, he mimicked her actions and tapped his finger on the photograph. "Him? Really? Honestly, if you don't know the name of the guy you were sharing a bed with, you have bigger problems than I do. That is, if my research is correct about your relationship and, as you can tell, I love my research."

"I'm not saying it again - I don't answer questions, _you do_," she repeated, trying not to sound affected.

She started to push the picture back to him, but was surprised when he countered her move. His hand stopped her, making the picture rest between them. "Commander Rachels, I know how your little game goes. Even though I already stated I wasn't playing one, you are and have been for a very long time. I'm sure if Commander Leonhart could talk here, he'd agree."

Lauren remained silent, refusing to take his bait. When he laughed this time, it was more guttural than before. It didn't take long before his deep laughs had turned into a sickly cough. With the sound resonating in her ears, she pulled her hand back from the picture. It had taken her a second to realize that she had been the first to give in. It wasn't exactly the way he intended, but he had come out the victor in that round.

Catching his breath, he managed to answer. "Fine. Your game, your rules – _for now_. That's Squall Leonhart, Commander of Balamb Garden. Well, for clarity's sake we'll make that _former _commander of Balamb Garden. Poor bastard, man could save the world but couldn't save himself… From what I've heard, he was gunned down after being hired as an escort for the latest peace conference in Dollet. What's most ironic is that I couldn't have planned that one any better myself. Not to mention, whoever the hell hired him deserves a refund and then some."

He paused, waiting for a response. When he got none, he continued - this just got interesting to him. "Word says he was a rather a cold and uncaring, but something tells me that's why he was he was your type… I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see who the dominant one was in that relationship was. Sex must have been amazing and I'm sure the fact that screwing the boss has other benefits didn't hurt either. In fact, rumor has it that you have his job, at least for now… and I'm sure that putting his killer away would go a long way in making it a little more permanent, wouldn't you say? Either way, congratulations on the promotion. I'm sure you… _worked _hard for it. For what it's worth, I did plant a tree for him, but I'm sure you know that too. Don't you?"

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you? I don't answer your questions."

"That's fine. I'm not really answering yours. So, who's next?"

From the other room, Squall continued to listen to Sirtis' bullshit. He had no idea why Lauren had let him go on for so long or why she seemed so invested in his words. Whatever it was, she was going to hear about it later. There was no reason to let him say that much; there was no reason why Rinoa had to be put through this. It was a mind game and Lauren had failed – it was just that simple.

As far as the victims, he honestly believed there was some grain of truth of what Sirtis was saying. They had done enough research to know that these men had made questionable decisions, but justice didn't equate to murder. The other thing that stood out was Sirtis own admission – he really wasn't answering questions. More or less, all he was doing was rehashing information from the evening news, newspapers, and public records. Hell, Squall could have given Lauren the same responses, but it didn't mean he had killed them – it simply meant he had done his research.

He was honestly at a loss, they hadn't found out a damn thing since this started. All they had done was given Sirtis the platform to spew his rhetoric. Even worse was knowing that Rinoa had overheard everything that had been said. Yes, it was difficult knowing, but having it reinforced by an outside source, even one as twisted as Sirtis, made the reality set in a little more.

Rinoa and Zell remained sitting next to one another at the table. Rinoa had found that when Sirtis was talking about Squall, she couldn't even look up – not at him, not at anyone. Her hands had wrapped around her coffee mug, holding the ceramic piece as if was the only tether to her sanity. In fact, she was squeezing it so hard that she wouldn't have been surprised if the damn thing had shattered. Somewhere after the 'sex' comment, Zell had put a hand on her shoulder. She was glad for his support, but even the kind gesture didn't seem to make anything better.

She couldn't believe Lauren had let it go on. There had to be a reason, she was just too biased to see it. A darker part of her even thought that the SeeD had done on purpose. What Lauren had to gain she didn't know, but Rinoa knew she was the one with something to lose. The worst part of the entire thing (if pressed to come up with one candidate for the title in a sea of many) was that Sirtis was so focused on trying to belittle Lauren's self-worth that he didn't actually have the chance to give a reason for killing Squall. And just like she instructed, Lauren didn't push and let whatever excuse for an answer stand.

Just now she felt such an overwhelming urge to stand up, run though those doors to get in Sirtis' face and demand an answer – an actual answer. She wouldn't. She never could, knowing that she could risk blowing the investigation even more so because of what was to come next – questions about Conner Blalock.

He and his family were the reasons she fought so hard for this in the first place. There wasn't much 'fighting' as Squall pretty much had agreed that he wanted answers too. It didn't mean others agreed and that's why they had gone out of their way to protect a lowlife like Sirtis. Like Squall's death, Blalock's murder didn't fit Sirtis' normal pattern and their research had come up empty. It would at least be worth some of this hell if they could even bring peace to at least one family.

Closing her eyes, Rinoa took her frustrations out on the mug as she waited for Lauren to ask the inevitable. She didn't have to wait very long.

Lauren held the picture in her hand, purposely keeping it from Sirtis' view. She walked in a small circle before stopping directly behind him. "Now, the last one here… He's the one that makes us question your skill. For someone who is so proficient with a weapon, you certainly didn't pay any respect to your 'art.' Maybe we need to re-examine all those medals and awards you were given since it doesn't seem like you have the ability to hit much of anything. You didn't just kill him, you annihilated him… Let's just say that this breaks pattern…. but that's not news to you. It does make me wonder though, Conner Blalock, what was it about him that deserved so much rage?"

When the picture was set in front of him, he didn't look away. If anything, there was an undeserved sense of accomplishment as he stared at the gruesome photo. There was no remorse, no guilt. As instead as he folded his arms and met Lauren's gaze, he almost seemed proud.

"Sorry, can't help you, never met Conner Blalock."

"Funny, I was told you served with him. The two of you went way back."

"What's funny is that you were told wrong… and you were doing so well too. But thanks for the stroll down memory lane. Am I free to go now?" Of course he knew the answer, but goading her was rather entertaining.

"Really?" She leafed though her file until she found a particular group shot, one that included both Blalock and Sirtis. Setting it on top of the picture of the mutilated body, she waved her hand toward the photograph. "I know we have the technology to manipulate photos, but I assure you that this is real."

He looked at her with smirk. "I assure you it's real too. It's funny how you assume I'd disagree. Not that I want to do your job but here's a pro tip: think about your questions and listen to what your suspect actually said, not what you_ think_ he said. I'm feeling generous, so I'll let your incompetence slide this time. You asked about Conner Blalock's murder. Whoever the hell Conner Blalock is - I haven't a damn clue, but if you're asking me about Conner _Trinneer _I can say there's only one reason anyone would want to kill that bastard."

"…And that is?"

"Justice." He looked away, allowing his mask of indifference crack.

"For who? You seem to be the one here with an agenda. He had a family, a wife, two daughters."

"…And probably a dog too. He wasn't what he seemed. That's all. Like you said, 'pictures can be manipulated.' So can the lives of people."

"Name change withstanding, I'm not here to judge the dead. I'm just here for facts as they pertain to you and the fact that most stands out is that you had quite the field day with him. For someone who's supposedly trained not to let emotions get the better of you, this seems like a huge screw up."

The last line was meant twofold - it was a reminder not only for Sirtis, but also for herself. A second ago, she let Squall's picture get to her and then Sirtis' words in quick succession. In the grand scheme of things, it may have looked like a minor slip up, but she saw it as something else - the beginning of a very slippery slope. Even more surprising is that those words sparked some emotion in Sirtis. Maybe it was timing, combined frustration after talking about Blalock, but it was the first time he broke his mold of indifference.

"Who says, commander? Who? Who says _I'm_ the one without emotions. You don't even want to hear the truth, you just say you do. Trinneer wasn't the victim here, but you don't give a damn as long as you get credit for my arrest. I only turned into what they wanted, what he made me. In fact, I-"

She put her hand up, keeping him from walking down this path.

"Just stop, I don't want to hear it from you. If you aren't going to answer the questions I ask, we'll try again later. I don't want you to think you can muddy up this investigation by blaming the victim. In fact, we're waiting for some DNA results that will tie you to his brutal murder. Then we don't have to ask the questions, the evidence will tell us the answers. Until that's done, why don't you take this time to reflect, meditate, whatever you snipers do. Maybe think about praying to that higher power that you're so sure isn't there. You're going to need whatever help you can get."

Kiros stepped forward, unsure why she was doing this. It seemed like he was finally ready to talk and she purposely stopped him. Her words were hurried and her threats made no sense; they already had processed the weapon – DNA, fingerprints, and even the ballistics had already been rushed through. They knew before Blalock's body was even cold. Yes, that information had been restricted to a few of them, but Lauren was one that had been included. So why she was using that now?

She closed her files, basically ignoring the fact that Kiros was standing next to her. She wasn't going to answer him, not in front of Sirtis – not in front of the cameras.

If she had wanted to stun Sirtis, she had. For once, she had the upper hand and if there had been a tally, this was a round that she would have won, even if that hadn't been her intent. She signaled Kiros to follow.

As she walked back into the room where the other three were, Squall had moved from his place and met her as she entered. Everyone else might not have understood what she just had done, but he did. It was no small decision on her part.

"Thank you." It wasn't quite a smile, but it was a beginning.

 

* * *

_****_

_**Seventy-Eight: The Enemy Within**_

_**   
**_

* * *

 

Zell sat at the table dumbfounded, unsure of what had just happened. Of course, he was far from the only one who felt this way. When it finally seemed as though Sirtis was going to give something up, Lauren managed to rattle him enough to shut him up - mid-sentence even. Then, just when she was getting somewhere, she walked out without explanation.

If Zell hadn't known any better, he might have thought that 'the commanders' shared a telepathic link when it came to mission-related issues. The lesser known effect of said link was being able to confuse those around, bugging the hell out of everyone who wasn't them. At this point, Zell was beyond the point of caring.

It might have been out of turn for him to speak out, but he wanted this to be over with. The one chance he saw had suddenly been snatched away.

"So, um, Lauren you're going to… basically... You know what, I'm done tiptoeing around. What in the hell did you just do? He _was_ going to talk."

"He was," Squall agreed as he walked back to the table with Kiros and Lauren in tow. "Sirtis didn't say anything useful about anyone else, but whenever Blalock, or rather _Trinneer, _was mentioned - he couldn't help himself. It went beyond everyone else. It was personal… and whatever _it_ was most likely links back to Katipo. Believe me, while it's our intention to hear every word that man has to say, we just want to keep some of those words between us."

"Figuring out Lauren's plan took me a little longer than I care admit," Kiros confessed as he pulled out a chair at the table. "While we're all invested in the outcome, the true picture can be lost with tunnel vision. We might have wanted him to continue talking, but she made the right call to stop him. Now, we have a tape to present it to the World Council. And as far as they will know, Lauren was tired of his derailing and waiting for the forensic evidence to come in. Yes, we know we already have it, but both Sirtis and the World Council won't."

"If we can get a solid confession, I seriously doubt they'll watch all the tapes, but they'll sure as hell want to keep them as leverage," Squall explained as he joined them at the table, Lauren silently following suit. "We still don't know what Sirtis will say, but it's best to keep our knowledge of Katipo out of it either way. If it does end up on tape, we'll have to act just as surprised as everyone else or we'll be accused of being part of the cover up."

"At the very least, we have to know a few more pieces of this puzzle." Kiros stood up, knowing he had to take care of cutting the feeds. "Whatever we're up against is tied to Sirtis and Blalock's history. We need to hear what he has to say – without extra ears listening in."

With a slight bow, he dismissed himself for the moment. "I'll let you finish this discussion among yourselves – you know Esthar's stance. But give me at least four minutes on the video, I need to stop taping. It's important to point out that you know that even though I can stop them from recording, I cannot stop the feed from being broadcast. We have a system with a built-in failsafe - if any video feeds are cut or tampered with, several people are alerted and the building would go on lockdown. This just means that if anybody tuned in to the channels, they would still see streaming video, but no audio. I felt I should give you fair warning about that although it shouldn't come into play."

"Understood, sir," Lauren answered as the man left the room.

Squall nodded, knowing that this was possibly their last shot. "We need Sirtis to believe we care about his contrived sense of justice." He looked at the group to gauge their reaction but his eyes stopped when he saw what the martial artist was doing. "Didn't Quistis give you the lecture about doing that years ago? We don't need another medical emergency."

"…_Maybe_." Zell smiled impishly.

He had leaned back, balancing on two legs of his chair while the other two remained on the floor. It was a habit that had started in his childhood years and never seemed to have faded completely. He had spent many hours like this studying and over the years, he had adopted this as his 'thinking position.' Unlike his teenager years, he was thankful that 'someone' wouldn't walk by and purposely try to tip him over.

"It helps me think, that's all," Zell began to explain, a luxury he was never afforded in class. "Like, right now, I'm thinking why don't we try listening? We've tried the blaming angle enough. What if whatever he knows about Blalock, er, Trinneer _is_ worth caring about and we don't have to pretend? Look at this objectively, yeah what he did was massively wrong… again going back to my gutting-a-fish analogy, but everyone else who died wasn't innocent or anything. If Blalock felt so much rage towards this guy, maybe Trinneer isn't the 'wife, two kids, and a family dog' innocent guy that he wants to appear. Yeah, yeah, I get the irony in taking some of Sirtis' advice but I stand by what I said earlier – we're going about this all wrong. The fact is that Sirtis _did _show emotion, you've got to use that."

Squall leaned back into his chair, running his hands through his hair in frustration. They had a few minutes to work through three weeks of information and just over an hour before they had company. He hated this part of the job; he'd rather be in a heavily-fortified combat zone than planning this strategy. He was never good at reading or understanding people emotionally on a one-on-one level. For that moment, he wished that Xu, or even Quistis, had been here. Lauren was an excellent SeeD but, like him, her forte was combat-orientated. That headache that he felt coming on earlier had begun to attack at full strength and wasn't taking any prisoners.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt like they were back at square one. There was just something so off about every answer Sirtis gave – and the man was right — they weren't confessions, they were summaries of news reports. Not to mention Sirtis was completely standoffish with Lauren but, given his thoughts on the military and politicians, that was almost an inevitability.

"Damn this," he muttered under his breath.

Zell's idea was starting to make more sense, which was truly a frightening thought although he doubted Laguna would be useful. Hell, his father wasn't even in there – apparently he was still somewhere else, hopefully _not _giving the lady in records the _Cuchi-Cuchi_ treatment. With all the stress the commander was under, the visual on that was the icing on the cake.

That was it. Zell was right. Maybe it was hard to accept, but maybe that's exactly what he needed to do. Last night, he had talked about a leap of faith with Rinoa and he had taken one _with her_, but maybe it was time to expand that theory to others he trusted. The fact that Sirtis had shown emotion _was _a crack in his façade. If that was coupled with his earlier admission that he didn't want any more blood on his hands – there _might_ have been something there.

Still, the idea of sending Laguna in there was horrifying – beyond horrifying. There was so much he would have to brief the President on. Not to mention, he would need his father to humanize himself completely, leaving any military or political affiliations behind. But given that Laguna was the President of the country that fueled Sirtis' hatred, Squall knew that would an impossible obstacle to ignore for just about anyone. The clock was ticking and a decision had to be made.

Standing up, the commander knew what had to be done. And he didn't like it. At all.

"We need to throw Sirtis off his game or 'the game' he refuses to believe he's playing. When Lauren cut him off, _that _caught him off guard. It went against everything we're trained to believe about enemy interrogation and-" Squall stopped as Kiros had walked back in, giving him a curt nod before he reclaimed his place at the table.

All eyes rested on the commander as he continued, "…And the problem is - every one of us has been trained in how to act and _react_ if we were the ones being scrutinized by the enemy. Arguably, we've all been taught slightly different techniques, but that's the problem in itself - we've all been _taught_. We've tried it my way and it worked to some degree. I also believe Kiros' presence is effective, but the results aren't fast enough."

Squall didn't hesitate per se, but even he felt a certain amount of awe behind the words he was about to utter. "We're running out of time and it's time we try it someone else's way. It's an idea that goes against everything I've even been _taught_, but therein lays the beauty; it goes against the norm. The headmaster could have easily told us to wait but he didn't. You could argue that it would have been more logical, but this allows for plausible deniability on his part. Cid must have known that this might take unorthodox, outside-of-the-box measures and gave us this opportunity for that very reason. We're taking it."

"…And who's more out-of-the box than me?" Zell smiled, grateful that Squall had enough faith to give his idea a chance. "Well, I mean, my _ideas_ are a little unconventional… It's not like_ I'm_ going in there, but since Laguna can be out-of-the box too, I think we've got it covered."

Kiros nodded. It might have taken a little pushing and a lot of prodding, but this was a major concession by Squall, but one the aide would ultimately follow. "It is beyond Esthar's norm, but I agree. No disrespect towards your headmaster but, it's likely he would just end up deferring this matter over to the World Council."

"He means well, but Cid does have a history of trying to appease everyone. The other problem we're facing is that Laguna isn't going to be the one to work," Squall simply stated as if it was the most obvious fact of the day. "He might have, save for fact that he's the President of Esthar. So while he may have worked on one level, he won't on another. Trust me, it will be impossible for Sirtis to see past his title."

"Permission to speak freely," Lauren said bluntly, snapping to attention. She stood so fast that her hand smacked against the table; the impact was hard enough to cause coffee from Squall's mug to spill over the edge.

"Denied," he responded to her tone in kind, using his hand to wipe off the spilled liquid. There had been no doubt in his mind that she would be two steps ahead of everyone else when it came to this. He had anticipated a negative reaction, although with a little less mess. He looked up at her, knowing she had no intention of budging, not that he thought his answer would satisfy her.

"I'm fully aware of your objections, _Interim_-Commander Rachels, but our choices are limited – and so is our time. If you're worried about credit, I can guarantee that you'll receive full commendations for your part, but sometimes the difference between being a good SeeD and a great one is knowing your limitations and when to step back."

There was irony in his statement and everyone knew it. Including her.

"Understood, Commander Leonhart, _sir," _she saluted him, literally biting her lip in anger.

"It _better_ be understood," he said in a threatening undertone, "Remember your rank."

She had managed to remain silent so far, but when he felt that he needed to add that last dig, she didn't hold back. In three weeks' time, she believed that Squall had become weak and that whoever this man was certainly had no business commanding SeeD. If he was going to make a travesty of the process, it would not only be the downfall of his career, but possibly of Garden.

"I do understand, sir," she responded snidely before adding, "Please inform the suspect that he was correct about one thing - apparently, whoever's screwing the boss _does_ get the benefits."

Lauren knew she had been walking a fine line and with that comment, she had gone well beyond it, but he was out of his mind. It wasn't like her to act irrational, especially towards a superior, but in this case, _he _was the one being irrational.

"…What the ever-loving fuck?" Squall spat, making everyone one in the room wince. He didn't even have the words to continue, thunderstruck at her insubordination.

She had gone this far, she wasn't going to back down. What she said may have been out-of-line, but what he was doing was far worse in her opinion. "I may need to be reminded of my position, but so do you. By regulations, we're equally-ranked during this mission. I may be an interim commander, but you were an absentee one and, for all intents and purposes, the paper work is official - even Cid can't argue that. You are not the headmaster, but you're under the impression that he's not good enough so it's up to you to make the calls? That takes some nerve."

Metaphorically, Zell felt like he was tossing himself on a hand grenade as he threw his body between them. This fight was likely to explode or at least escalate to nowhere good. Grabbing Squall's shirt, he pushed him back, which did shut the commander up, but also put Zell directly in the line of fire. It was far from the smartest move he'd ever made, the flashes of anger in Squall's eyes vehemently affirming this fact. Zell had never quite seen him react so heatedly in a verbal confrontation, although he had seen quite a few unfortunate souls draw the commander's ire.

In this case, Zell felt that both Lauren and Squall had crossed the line, baiting each other in the process. The martial artist needed to calm them down and shut them up before Sirtis and the entire building heard them.

"Calm down, calm down… both of you. I get it. We've veered way off Garden's normal path. If this was anyone else, I'd say it's personal, but I know it's not. It's professional and you've picked the worst time to enter a power struggle. Get over whatever issues you two have. Both of you are right and both of you are wrong… We're tired, we're stressed, and we're acting a little irrational. So, um… yeah, get over it. Quick."

Rinoa sat in shock as things had quickly unraveled in front of her. At first, she wasn't even sure what Lauren had been objecting to or why Squall was so defensive about his decision. The sorceress would admit she might have been preoccupied before the argument. Then, she had been so taken aback with Lauren's comment that she hadn't connected the dots yet. Honestly, she barely dealt with hearing the 'sleeping with the commander' quip from Sirtis, but hearing it from the SeeD was far more hurtful.

The sorceress didn't even want to look up at anyone. Right now, she honestly wished she had taken Squall's suggestion of taking a damn nap in the other room. And if Squall was suggesting what Lauren believed he had been, or at least how Rinoa interpreted it, then it really wasn't Laguna Squall wanted to go in there – but _her_.

In that case, she'd have to full-heartily agree with Lauren, no matter how difficult that was to believe. It was Lauren who had the point – again one that was very painfully stated. Placing her hands on the table, Rinoa refused to look at anything but her fingers.

"I can't, I can't," she began, her voice trembling.

"You know what, Rin? Ignore them," Zell stated sympathetically. Letting go of Squall's shirt, he moved past the commander, retaking the seat beside her. Placing a hand on her back, he wanted to help her get past the shock.

"Before we started, you agreed with my idea. I know we both thought it would be Laguna – but it's not. The idea hasn't really changed and something deep-down tells me you still agree with it. But Squall's right, it can't be Laguna." He paused long enough to look at the commander who seemed to fall back into old roles, as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.

The commander gave a slight nod as Zell continued, "Rin, it sucks, I know, but Sirtis won't give a damn about Laguna's being related; he'll never see him as anything more as the leader of Esthar. Actually, according to Sirtis, a childish leader – there's already no respect there. Our best bet at drawing any sympathy or throwing him off guard is you… It's hard, but think past your doubts and remember you already had a conversation with this guy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work."

Lauren too had managed to calm down some. She honestly didn't care what Rinoa's relationship to Squall was – it was the simple fact they were sending a civilian in. This went against every code and regulation she could name and honestly, she didn't know why Squall would even risk such a foolish plan. This could end badly for everyone, including Rinoa.

"This is getting ridiculous. Rinoa doesn't even want to do it and she's the only one that seems to be thinking clearly. Why throw her into a situation where, depending on how it goes, the ramifications could stick with her forever?"

"…_Or_ she could be the one to get answers." Zell shrugged. "Look, besides me, the only people that have been hit are his targets… and even then, it's still possible that I wasn't supposed to be shot."

"That's what I'm leaning towards." Squall took a small step forward, but still kept a distance from Rinoa. "Sirtis never killed a target when they were around their families. It seems as if he made a conscious effort to keep others from getting hurt. Even during the home invasion, he waited until Koenig was alone. If we look at this objectively, he has made sure to only take out who he wants… again, excluding Zell."

"Yeah, again excluding me… as I pride myself on being different and all." Zell tried to lighten the mood, but even he could tell it was falling flat. "Okay, I get it, Sirtis is not exactly a shining example of humanity, don't make me mention the fish for a third time. Plus, in his own way, he seems to care about living things - the environment, and trees, and Chocobos and stuff. Just not politicians."

Watching as things played out, Kiros had kept to himself as it wasn't his place to get involved. It was hard to believe that the most shocking event of the hour hadn't come from Duncan Sirtis, but rather how tuned-in Zell had been.

There was something about him that reminded Kiros of a young, passionate, and idealistic Laguna – _strike that_ – reminded him of Laguna, even to this day. The President was, at heart, the very same intuitive, compassionate person from their days in Deling. Laguna had a way with people, something he saw reflected in Zell.

Kiros also knew it was time to weigh in; Esthar had the largest stake in the outcome. "Miss Heartilly," he began but amended his words, "my apologies, Mrs. Leonhart, I share your hesitations, but I'm inclined to agree. I've spent nearly my entire career working alongside someone who… well, to politely defer to your husband's terminology, 'someone whose thinking often falls outside-of-the-box.' Sometimes it causes problems, but sometimes, it's exactly what's needed."

She continued staring down at her hand as she nervously twirled her wedding ring. "I get it's a good in theory, it's just a bad choice. _I'm_ a bad choice."

"Mrs. Leonhart, not to be so blunt but, under these circumstances, you're the _only_ choice."

"Lauren's right… I'm not trained. I'm going to mess this up for everyone. I can't."

After making the confession, she made the mistake of glancing over to the female SeeD. Lauren had moved away from the group, standing a good distance away. It looked like she had been paying more attention to the file in her hand than the conversation. Rinoa knew it was meant as a silent jab - not acknowledging the situation was more or less not acknowledging her.

"The only way you can mess up is if you don't try." Zell cringed at his words. "I sound like a damn motivational poster. What have you done to me, Rin?"

That was the first thing that garnered a hint of a smile from her.

"Kiros will have your back in there. We're not sending you in alone." Everyone turned to look as Squall spoke; he had completely re-composed himself, brushing it off as if it never happened.

"See," Zell smiled, turning back to her. He then referenced Sirtis' nickname for the aide. "You get the bulldog. What could be better?"

"Having a choice?" she answered honestly, "It seems to be the one thing I don't have."

Shaking her head, Lauren stepped forward and placed the folder back on the table. "Don't lie."

"What?" Rinoa was taken aback, what the hell did she do now? It seemed Squall thought the same as his head snapped in the other SeeD's direction. He was about ready to open his mouth and quite honestly, he doubted he'd be shutting it any time soon. Thankfully, before that happened however, Lauren offered an explanation.

"My apologies, that came out wrong. Don't lie to_ Sirtis_," Lauren said, overstressing the last word. It still came off as far from friendly advice, sounding more as if she was condescendingly briefing a subordinate.

"I'm sorry… I don't follow?"

For the sorceress, it was seemingly impossible to take any advice objectively, especially coming from Lauren. If Rinoa thought she had been intimidated before, that was nothing compared to how she felt now. She also half-expected her confusion to be met with sarcasm, an outward sigh of annoyance at the very least, but Lauren continued on with the professionalism she had displayed earlier this morning.

"It's important that you don't try to tell him what you think he wants to hear. Stick with the truth so he can't catch you in a lie. He may be upset at first, but it will slowly build a rapport. If he asks why you're here, tell him about working on the case. The fact that Squall's alive should be a non-issue. It should be a given already so he shouldn't ask. The truth is - this is going to be difficult, but not impossible."

Squall knew that was as much of a pep-talk as she would ever get for Lauren. That_ anyone_ would get from Lauren. He also knew that he couldn't have Rinoa sit here while they tried to feed her information. Her best bet was to get in there, still upset, and have things come naturally. If she seemed too prepared, it could backfire; Sirtis needed to see her as she was now – confused and lost. Someone he could talk to, someone who might listen to his twisted sense of justice. It felt as cruel as anything Lauren had said around her, but this time Squall couldn't guide her. She had to be on her own.

"…I'll-I'll do it." In Rinoa's mind, she had to say it out loud to make it true. She also knew that no matter how much he tried to seem indifferent, Squall needed to hear it too. He really wouldn't force her in if she refused, even if he thought there was no other way. He had confidence in her, she knew that. Of course, now it was just finding that very confidence in herself. There was still that initial shock about how it all went down, which didn't help at all. It would be difficult, but once she got in there, she would find the strength, she always did. It was just thinking of all the things that could go wrong that was slowly starting to eat at her.

"Rinoa, you should go in there," Squall said glancing up at the clock, "The more you sit here, the more you're going over-think it."

He couldn't have been more right; she was doing just that.

Offering his hand, he helped her from the chair. As he pulled her up, she was expecting him to give her a hug or whisper words of encouragement.

…But he simply turned to Kiros instead. "Take her inside."

The aide obliged, crossing the room to where Rinoa stood. Wrapping her arms around herself, she could feel her whole body tremble as if she had caught a chill. Kiros gently placed his hand on the small of her back, ushering her to walk forward. She had been resistant at first, but eventually gave in. It was challenging enough to breathe right now, let alone remember how to place one foot in front of the other.

Squall knew that she was waiting on him to say something and under normal mission circumstances, he wouldn't. This was a part of a tactical strategy, but then it hit him - the reason he didn't give her advice was because he couldn't. In truth, he didn't want to send her in at all. He was upset she was in this position; he was upset at himself for putting her there. If he had talked to her, _he'd_ more than likely be the one talking her out of it. He was conflicted, because even if he knew her going in was 'for the best' he highly doubted it was for 'her best.' But even if he couldn't give her advice, he could give her encouragement. He didn't give a damn if he looked 'weak' because of Rinoa. He wasn't the same SeeD he was three weeks ago and that was a good thing; it had just been a matter of pride hearing it from Lauren. He had been training to be a SeeD all his life and sometimes it was hard to leave that mindset behind, but thankfully, with time he knew he could – Rinoa was not a mission, she was his wife.

Glancing back again, Rinoa still expected – _hoped_ \- for some encouragement from her husband. It might not have been the pep talk that she wanted, but it was something only she would understand.

"You're not alone."

She managed a thin smile, mouthing a 'thanks.'

Picking up the same folder Lauren had placed down, Squall tried to leaf through it, but found it impossible. He had to wonder how many times today they had picked up and looked at those files and how they never seemed to read them. They were a distraction, something to do with their hands. Knowing that's what he was about to do, to use it as another excuse to distance himself, he tossed it back down.

After the door closed, Squall looked over to Zell who was still seated. "He better damn well be a bulldog."

"Kiros is going to make sure nothing happens. Let's face it - he'd have to deal with your wrath _and _Laguna's. Not to mention, if Selphie found out… Whoa, poor Kiros wouldn't know what hit him, she's scrappy and definitely not a fair fighter... trust me on that. It's safe to say that Kiros will be her bulldog; it's better than the other option… Selphie the killer Chihuahua." He let out a small laugh. "Personally, I'd worry more about Rinoa when this is over… Risky move, pissing off a sorceress, _correction_, your _wife,_ the sorceress. Dude, when I think about it that way, you're never going to win an argument… I mean, Alex scares me enough when she's mad, even without the ability to turn me into a toad at will."

Squall looked over to him. "Most of the time, I get so annoyed with you that you'd better be grateful that _I_ don't have the ability to turn you into a toad. We'd be dining on frog's legs by now if it were the case. I'm going to miss this… but I'll forever deny I said it." He paused, knowing he should say something as it was already going to be awkward enough. "…Thanks for stepping in. I can be a little bit… obstinate. What Lauren said was out-of-line but I wasn't any better. On protocol, she was right and it would have been better to acknowledge it rather than argue. I might not agree with her, but it's hard to fault her for being what I was."

"No problem. We'll call it even on one condition… never _ever_ tell Selphie I called her Chihuahua."

* * *

As Rinoa entered the room, she felt physically ill. If it hadn't been for Kiros supporting her, she easily could have passed out. Even now, she wouldn't be too surprised if she found herself staring up at the ceiling, drifting in-and-out of consciousness the next time she opened her eyes.

With all she had left, she grasped Kiros' arm. He hadn't spoken to her, but at least he was physically there to use as a crutch. As she walked further into the room, she couldn't even look over to Sirtis. It was hard enough to stare at the man through the window, but now even the security of the one-way glass had been ripped away.

"Miss Heartilly, please have a seat," Kiros formally addressed, moving a chair out for her.

Sirtis watched as the woman barely managed to sit. Even as her hands gripped the edge of the table, she was hardly able to steady herself.

"At least get her some water."

At the sound of his voice, Rinoa drew in a hurried breath. No matter how much she had tried to will herself against it, she was unable to stop herself from looking at him. Truthfully, there wasn't much choice in the matter. This wouldn't work without some degree of eye contact; she couldn't spend the entire conversation staring at the carpet no matter how appealing the thought was.

"N-no, I'm fine," she managed hoarsely.

"Whose brilliant idea was this one? Esthar or SeeD's?" Sirtis asked snidely, shooting an accusatory look at Kiros.

"It was hers," the aide replied, motioning down to Rinoa.

God, she had wished they had given her some advice on how to steer the conversation; hell, maybe even on how to even _start_ a conversation. Sure, Zell and Kiros had tried to give a pep talk, but that was dealing with abilities and inner strength - all that was pretty useless in light of not knowing what the hell to say. To her horror, the only person who offered any help, possibly either begrudgingly or mockingly, was Lauren with her simple 'don't lie.'

Then again, since it was the only advice she was given, she might as well take it to heart.

"That's not true. It wasn't." She slowly inhaled a few deep breaths, turning her head towards the mirrored glass. She could see the reflection of Kiros, as he stood somewhere behind her and, even though she couldn't see him, she could feel Squall's eyes on her. "It wasn't my idea. I didn't want to do this. Even now… I don't want to."

Sirtis narrowed his eyes as he studied her. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on the table as his hands folded together. "So, why do it then?"

She opened her mouth to say something, but found nothing coming out. No, she wasn't trying to 'think' of the right thing to say, she was trying to come up with a way to put the truth into words. Everything had happened so fast, she hadn't had time to compose her feelings, let alone come to terms with any of them.

Gnawing on her lip, she focused her eyes on the table. She was surprised he wasn't getting impatient, but to her, everything she was feeling was just so…

"…Overwhelming," she finally blurted out.

The word was meant more for herself and sounded rather nonsensical given his question. She looked back to him as she tried to put her scattered thoughts in some coherent order "I'm just overwhelmed right now. I was in there and they asked… I wanted to say no, tried to say no… but as you can see, I'm here and honestly, I'm not sure what the hell happened."

"Ha, that makes two of us." His laugh was noticeably more genuine than before. "One day you're at home, building model battleships, the next you're here. Of course, a few steps in between – give or take."

She just stared at him, horrified that she was even a part of this conversation.

"So, whose plan? Which one of them was responsible - the bulldog or the poodle?"

"I'm sorry... what?" He didn't have to answer as she mentally made the connection – he had called Kiros the bulldog so that only left one other person to be the poodle. "Oh, yeah. Them. Of the two, it was more Kiros, I guess? A few others too, but me… not so much. I don't do _this_… They thought you might talk to me, because…yeah."

It was still difficult to piece together an articulate sentence, but she was started to feel a tad bit better, if only a little. That was until he became deathly quiet. She was expecting a response, but there was none. There had been nothing more unnerving in her life than utter silence.

Leaning back in the chair, his fingers slowly began to drum on the table. The sound acted like a metronome and, without realizing, her breathing matched his pace. Rinoa so desperately wished she could ask the right question to hurry him along, but all she could do manage was haplessly stare. That overwhelming sense seized her again and when it all became too much, she had to turn away.

"I see," he finally stated, nodding towards the window, "Why do they think I'll talk to you?"

Hearing the words, she snapped her head back towards him. It seemed whatever trance the sound had put her in had been lifted. This was some sort of game involving mental warfare, one she didn't know the rules to. It had only been after she looked away that he again acknowledged her presence.

She wouldn't let him get to her. She didn't come all this way to back down now. "Honestly… it's because I don't what I'm doing. Everyone else has had some sort of military training and because of that, they didn't think you'd talk to them."

"There's some irony to that." He looked at her skeptically, but didn't refute her words. "You didn't answer my earlier question, why do this at all then?"

She started to think about her response, trying not to panic as the right words weren't coming to her. It was hard, but she glanced up and at least found comfort in knowing her husband was behind the glass. That was it - the answer she'd been looking for was so simple and so true.

"Because of Squall," she stated firmly. It had been the one response she had managed to say with any amount of conviction. "I realized along the line who you were… we talked the funeral and I… you just… you didn't know him – didn't know the kind of person he was… who he seemed and who he really is are different things. How could you even show your face at his funeral after what you'd done?"

It was becoming increasingly difficult to make sense of her feelings, let alone her keep her resentment and anger in check. She hadn't meant to accuse him, although she most certainly blamed him, but it was like she'd stated earlier – overwhelming. She needed to keep it simple, she needed to keep it on track.

"I agreed because I want to know why you did what you did… why him out of everyone? Why Squall?"

"That's the problem, you think that knowing is absolute. That what you know is absolute. People will truly never 'understand' another's motives. Theories are just that – _theories._ You can try to get into someone's head, but in the end, their reasons are theirs alone. The truth is I could sit here and give you an answer and it would never satisfy you… one answer will always lead to at least two questions. There's never just one answer. There are hundreds and not one of those will ever be good enough to erase the pain. If you cared about a person, there are no answers. You believe reason will bring you closure, it won't. I promise."

"I don't… I'm sorry." Rinoa shook her head, not understanding in the least. "Are you saying that there are a hundred reasons why you killed him? Or are you saying that there's no closure?"

Sirtis crossed his arms, looking at her poignantly. "See – one answer, at least two more questions. I've proved my point that it's an infinite loop. But in the case of Squall Leonhart, even if I wanted, I'm afraid I can't give you any answers. Maybe _they _can," he snarled, narrowing his eyes at the tinted glass, "_They_ are the ones making this into something it never had to be."

Her mouth was agape; there was nothing about this making sense. Maybe she was just too emotionally-tied to look at this with the proper objectivity. "I'm sorry- I can't… I don't understand. I'm trying, really."

He sighed in annoyance. "Have you been working with these geniuses today?"

The way he looked at her carried so much accusation in his stare. Somehow, he'd managed to have her feel like she was the one who ought to be feeling guilty.

"Yes?" She didn't know why she answered with a question besides being flustered. "I've been helping for a little over a week... with what I'm able to manage, at least. A few days after Squall's funeral, I was asked… and I needed to know who shot him… I had to know why."

"Interesting…" His intense gaze continued, dissecting every aspect of her involvement. With the way he looked and acted, it was as if she was the one being interrogated. And she was. She just hadn't caught on yet. "I ask you about today and you tell me about the whole week. So you want me to believe that you and Poodle are working together? Bulldog, I get, but the yappy one? Not so much. The current and the ex working together? I'm guessing that she already knew that you still had a thing for him." He laughed to himself. "Not like she'd give a damn who he's doing on the side. Still, there's no way you and Poodle skipped hand-and-hand down this SeeD-coated path together, let alone a path that ended on my doorstep."

"God no, no not at all." Rinoa had ended up spitting the words out rather abruptly. She had considered correcting herself or at least amending it to make it sound a little less harsh, but decided against. Lauren had said be truthful. So be it.

"No, we didn't work together. Before today, we talked once on the phone and spoke briefly in FH… She actually had a rather strong… _opinion_ about sending me in here. But… I'm here anyway."

He chuckled. "Now, _that_ makes sense. I thought I heard… disagreement."

Feeling her stomach drop at the comment, she had no idea whether he was baiting her or not. Still, she refused to offer further explanation; she knew it wasn't his business.

Sirtis remained silent, seemingly acting indifferent. After while, he seemed bored and went through the motions of cleaning out the dirt from under his fingernails. "Miss, the point I'm making is - that if you've been following, you should be aware that I turned myself in _voluntarily_. Poodle and Bulldog are the ones being incompetent assholes who are unable to find their own butt." He laughed to himself. "Now that's fucking irony, think about… Now they have nothing and they're desperate enough to throw the sacrificial lamb into the wolves' den." He stopped, leaning far across the table. "Lamb, I might answer a question, if you answer mine."

From the corner of her eye she could see Kiros taking a step forward. No doubt he was uncomfortable with the situation, she was too. Putting her hand up, she signaled him to stay back. It became difficult resisting the urge to pull away; she was determined not to let his proximity faze her.

"I can try."

"Good. Now who from Esthar is behind the glass? Bulldog is the only one with enough balls to show his face, who's back their figuring how to spin this to fit their political career?" He turned, pointing to the darkened window. His mask of indifference crumbled as he angrily spat, "I know how your game works! I know your fucking secrets! You're not using me again - you're not using anybody again!"

Rinoa flinched at his words; by now Kiros had disregarded her earlier signal, protectively walking behind her. Sirtis acted as if the aide wasn't there as he looked back to Rinoa. His words weren't a request, but a dare not to be broken.

"Be honest, Lamb. I'll _know_." He emphasized the last word as he spoke, before resting his elbows on the table.

"From Esthar?" she managed, swallowing nervously. Her only comfort was that he hadn't asked about everyone. "Um, there was Kiros, obviously… Ward is the only other one in there… that is, unless Laguna showed up, he was supposed to. He may be there by now, but he may not. They… uh, that's Kiros, Laguna, and Ward wanted to keep Esthar out of it as much as possible… It's a trust thing, I guess."

Rinoa glanced do the darkened window. She was fairly certain everyone behind the glass had been sending her telepathic waves to 'shut the hell up.' God she wanted to, but that seemed to be an impossibility.

"Really?" Sirtis wasn't sarcastic; in fact, he seemed genuinely interested, "I know I've asked my question, but as I already stated - every answer leads to more questions. By that logic, I'd say it's still my turn. So… what's with the President's sudden trust issues?"

How much truth she was supposed to give, Rinoa couldn't say. In the back of her mind, she had hoped that her silence would buy her a chance - maybe they would give her some sort of signal. She waited, she hoped, but the only she found his icy glare.

Hell with it. "Laguna has always been careful… but this, this just started. When we were looking for you, we found some things out. Things that they don't understand, things that make no sense. Guesses – more or less. Some of us are working like a group within a group… in about an hour, the World Council gets here… then it's out of their hands. That's why they wanted answers. Why I wanted answers. This may be my only chance to know about Squall… please?" Her voice cracked, in her mind, she heard herself begging; in her heart, she found herself asking for the smallest amount of understanding.

Leaning back, he crossed his arms over his chest. "…You really aren't good at that this, are you? It's customary to place your bets _before_ you show your hand. Now that I know your cards… or at least the ones you want me to believe, you're either one of the world's worst interrogators or I'm being played. The truth remains to be seen. Right now, I suspect a little of both." Whipping his head toward the glass, he stared angrily at his reflection. "Someone here is playing me; if it's not her, it's one of you. It's too bad this is being recorded or you may have earned yourself at least one answer."

"But we're not taping!" Rinoa interrupted hastily. She had blurted it out so quickly, she hadn't had time to weigh the consequences. There had been a glimmer of a chance and in her haste, she grabbed it. "It's not, I promise, the first part was, but when you started talking about Blalock they thought it would be best… with the history and such."

In the other room, Squall had held his tongue… until now.

"Shit." Pushing away from the glass, he knew this hadn't worked. At all. He had only let her continue, thinking they would move beyond this, but apparently Sirtis was hell bent on investigating all of them. Unfortunately, Rinoa still hadn't caught on that she was the one being interrogated.

"Brilliant idea, commander." The second he heard her voice, he tensed up, balling his hand into a fist. "Anything else she forgot to mention? Maybe they'd like to plan a surprise birthday party for you while they're at it?"

"Just... don't." His words came out in a growl; a primal threat equal to any other predatory animal. If Lauren didn't back away from the subject, he swore he didn't know what he would do. As far as Rinoa, there was nothing else left to do but damage control. He had hoped her emotional connection to the victims would be enough, but apparently it wasn't. Hell, they never even got that far, Sirtis saw to that.

"Get in there and pull her," he ordered. He hoped that above all else, she would follow through without talking back. Lauren had been standing next to him at the window, but before she turned to go, the outside door opened.

…Squall's day just got better.

Adding insult to injury, Laguna chose that very moment to come bounding in, happily holding up a paper for his son, and the entire world, to see.

"It's done – signed, filed, and photocopied. Well, photocopied _before _the filing…obviously. If not, it would be like a picture of the outside of a filing cabinet and that would be-"

The excitement on his face completely vanished, turning into something much darker. He found himself frozen in place as he caught sight of the interrogation room. In fact, he had to keep looking because he absolutely refused to believe what he was seeing. There was little time in his life where he would question his son's decisions as his respect and admiration for him was almost limitless. But, if he had willing allowed this - willing thought that _this _would be a good idea in any shape, way, or form, – then there would be a long, and very unwanted, talk in Squall's future. He'd be damned to let this go so easily.

"What in the hell is she doing in there?" The President's brow furrowed as his eyes bore a hole directly through Squall's pride. "Why? …Why would you do this?"

_This _Squall didn't need. He had never seen the President this angry – worse yet, this disappointed. It was obvious who Laguna blamed and the worst part - he was absolutely right.

"We're pulling her now." Ashamed, Squall lowered his voice, looking away from everyone's judgmental expressions. It was important to keep his eyes on Rinoa, plus the look on his father's face bothered him more than he cared to say. He knew that look, knew this feeling as it often haunted him. He was disappointed in his actions, in himself.

"At least tell me this was her idea." Laguna tried not to sound too accusing, but he felt very protective of her.

The worst part was that Squall's answer wouldn't ever matter to Laguna either way – it didn't negate the fact there was no reason in the world good enough to warrant putting her across from a serial killer, even if _she_ had been the one hell-bent on facing Sirtis.

Squall's silence answered the question.

Laguna was still livid when he turned to Lauren. The SeeD had stopped in her tracks when the President walked in. There was no way she was going to open the door with the possibility of jeopardizing the case; she had almost expected another minor shouting match.

"Please get her."

Remaining professional, Lauren saluted the President.

There had been silence from the other room so it felt like an appropriate time to retrieve the sorceress in any case. Placing her hand on the doorknob, she heard the cockiness in Sirtis' voice again.

"_Good. Don't tape this and I'll give you an answer. Esthar can't be trusted - any of them." _

When Laguna heard the response, even he became curious. He walked to the window, standing next to Squall's side. The commander had turned and was going to tell Lauren to wait, but she had already stopped. It seemed they were at least on the same page about this as she joined them at the window. The two commanders made brief eye contact, but said nothing. They would be damned if either admitted they could be wrong.

Laguna was torn. He wanted to get Rinoa out, but she was already in there. And if Sirtis was going to talk, pulling her now would render her actions useless and there was comfort knowing that Kiros was standing guard behind her. Squall had not sent her in unprotected, apparently just unprepared.

Back in the interrogation room, Rinoa tilted her head, looking at him in disbelief. "Laguna? I shouldn't trust Laguna?"

His response wasn't direct, but phrased in yet another series of questions. "Do you trust _everyone_ who can hear me? I get how you feel about Poodle, but can you trust her?"

"People _I_ trust say I can trust her."

"Diplomatic answer," he said with a subtle laugh, "The fact is since the bulldog, the orangutan, and the ferret took over, they've never been quite in charge."

"Who? Are you talking about people or a zoo?"

"People. Animals. Whichever." He smiled.

"_Whichever_ is important to me. I'd like to know about people, not animals."

"I refer to people as animals – because they _are _animals. It's a lot easier to remember them that way and either clues me in on their personality or place in the food chain - like you, Lamb. You know, the little lamb thrown to slaughter or the sacrificial lamb… whichever saying you prefer. The bulldog is obvious and his friend, the orangutan – one of the most intelligent species of apes, yet very solitary. I wouldn't want to leave out President Ferret, named after a mammal that tends to sleep fourteen to eighteen hours a day and when excited, they tend to hop around and bump into things. Sounds like Esthar's illustrious leader, doesn't it? I will say one thing though – with all that sleeping, figuratively and literally, he tends to miss out on what's going on right in front of him. This city has secrets, some that could kill, some that would be better left alone… but apparently can't be. And I won't let them set me up to take the fall. Not again."

"You're saying someone has been setting you up? Who?"

Another guttural laugh let loose again. "Esthar, of course. Now, I'll ask you - who's setting me up this time?"

"What?" She hadn't even stopped to consider him playing this card – the innocent victim. There was no way, what happened was concrete; he even admitted as much to Lauren. "You can't believe for one second that we…? I-I can't even… How?"

She could feel the tears stinging her eyes as she shook her head in denial. She didn't want to cry and she honestly had no idea why of all things this would be her breaking point, but it was just too much. That final straw.

Placing a hand on her shoulder, Kiros stepped in. "Don't even try to twist this. You confessed."

"No, I didn't. Listening seems to be a very difficult concept for you. If you had been paying attention, you'd know that all I did was give reasons why people may be upset at such _unscrupulous_ individuals. Either way, I was talking to Lamb, not you. This conversation is private. If I want to talk to you, I'll be sure to give a high-pitched whistle, Bulldog."

Rinoa could sense the change in his demeanor. Originally she had been glad that Kiros had stepped in, but right now, she realized that Sirtis' loathing of anything involving Esthar was still a major obstacle. The break had at least given her time as the focus had been taken off of her and she could mentally regroup.

"I got it." She turned to Kiros with a nod. "I was just caught off guard, but I'm all right," she replied, keeping Lauren's advice in mind.

"Fine. You say there's a time deadline… Let's lay all our cards on the table, no holds barred. If you lie to me, it breaks the deal."

"And you?"

"Same rules apply. I'll cop to everything I did, including the moment I ripped out Trinneer's entrails, giving him more mercy than he deserved. If I had known who he was, what he _still _was, I would killed the bastard slowly, letting him teeter on the brink between life and death as he rotted in his own filth... but we all have regrets in life, I hear. Deal."

She nodded; her throat too dry to speak.

"Fine, but if you really want me to be an open book, answer me this." He leaned forward again, making her tense. She wished he would stop doing that, but she knew that was the point. This reaction, this fear unsettling her, is exactly what he wanted. Swallowing nervously, she held her breath, waiting for whatever question came out of his mouth.

"I'm sure as hell that I've mentioned this before… which one of you is lying to me? Who the hell is setting me up? Is it just you or is it all of you?"

"Lying? I-I really… don't understand?" She feared for her sanity the way he was looking at her; that look, that pure unadulterated hatred burned into the deepest recesses of her mind. If it was hard to breath earlier, now it was near impossible.

"Tell me," she practically begged, "Tell me what you want me to say, tell me what you really want to know. Make me understand so maybe I can find out how to answer… I don't know what you're saying."

"Of course you don't." He dismissed her plea without so much as a thought. "In Balamb, you were a different person. A victim of circumstance, someone worth talking to. Don't even try, you may be acting clueless here, but you're far from innocent."

His gaze never softened. "I saw you that day at Fisherman's Horizon. Surprised, Lamb? Don't beat yourself up too bad over that. Blending in is essential in my line of work – same as sitting behind a desk in Timber and looking pretty is essential in yours. Don't kid yourself Lamb, we both know you weren't hired for your brains – you were hired because of who your boyfriend and father were."

It was hard for her to bite her tongue, but this was another one of his tactics. If she even showed the slightest bit of protest, he would take that pain and run with it. Her thoughts were her own, her insecurities were her own, and she wasn't going to let him prey upon them.

When it seemed to have worked, he moved on. "Well, whatever path you chose to get to FH doesn't matter; what's important is that you found your way there. In the middle of murder investigation, in an ocean of SeeDs, it's easy to get lost, right? But at least when you're lost there's cheese fries along the way, right? You paid the girl behind the counter with twenty Gil… then stopped to get napkins."

"You-you were?"

"Right behind you in line. Damn good fries I'd say. You know, there was a time where I worried about what I ate, but figuring I'll be dead a few months, cutting out fried and fatty foods seemed rather pointless. I was a different person back then… just like you were a different person back in FH and Balamb. Something is different about you – something that makes me believe you may be working with them. I asked for the truth and since the minute you walked out here, it's been a damn lie."

In that very moment, Squall knew. He saw exactly what Sirtis had and he cursed himself, cursed his stupidity. It was oversights like these that could get people killed - details that shouldn't ever have been left to chance. It might not have dawned on Rinoa yet, but it should have hell dawned on him before she set foot in that room, being trained to think two steps ahead was his job. He had spent countless hours studying Sirtis from afar and yet he hadn't even taken twenty seconds to study his wife.

When Laguna saw Squall clenching his jaw, he knew that whatever Sirtis had meant by that last comment, Squall had figured out. He had looked to his son for some understanding. He had not been privy to their encounter in FH, but the fact he had been that close to Rinoa in a non-controlled setting made his skin crawl. He could tell Squall was attempting restraint, but above that, he could sense the guilt. Whatever it was Squall was taking the blame.

"What's different? You know what he's talking about, don't you?"

"Yes. I also understand I screwed up royally yet again." He lifted his left hand, showing his ring. "She's my wife, that's what's different."

"But he can't possibly… can he?"

"When she's nervous, she reaches for it. That's why Sirtis made the point about saying what she paid with; he was close enough to see her hands. He might not know the details, but he will when Rinoa gives an answer. Either way, she's screwed. This ends."

He started heading toward the door. He had put her in this position, now it was time to do what he should have done in the first place.

"What the hell?" Lauren started after him and even Zell got up from his chair. He had let everything play out, knowing it was best to stay back. But this involved them, all of them.

Lauren grabbed his arm, pulling him the best she could. "You can't go in there. Do you know what you'll be doing?"

He roughly pushed her hand off of him. "Yes. Fixing my mistake. You want to hear it? Fine. If it's that important to you – yes, you were right. Rinoa should have _never _been sent in there. Now, go in a corner and wallow in your damn victory, I'm stopping this."

"I'd let him," Zell said, becoming Squall's unlikely ally in the fight. "Once Squall decides to let someone know he's alive – it's going to happen. Trust me, talking sense into him earned me a black eye for my efforts. Plus, if we want to catch Sirtis off guard, maybe learning that he'd botched a shot will wound his pride. Snipers aren't too keen on failure."


	30. The Darkness and the Light & Future Imperfect

** _Chapter Seventy-Nine: The Darkness and the Light_ **

 

Duncan Sirtis liked subtlety. After the war, he thrived on a simple existence. Part of that became the study of human nature – from people-watching in the park to watching the evening news. People had a pattern - a defined reaction within a set of boundaries. It was when an individual exceeded those boundaries that he truly took notice, however.

_Those _were the interesting ones.

Rinoa had fit into a pattern… _at first_. She had mourned a loss, she had felt guilt, and then one day, she completely stopped grieving. This wasn't denial - as that would have fallen within the norm - this was complete acceptance. It was as if her loss had been written in pencil - now eased from history, erased from the news and had been redrawn with a ring on her finger.

He knew grief. This _wasn't_ it.

Still, he had grown tired of waiting for his 'interrogator' to figure out what he had meant - either she was that clueless or that devious, though he doubted the latter. There was no question that Rinoa was lying, but to what degree? That was the real mystery.

Fed up with her stall tactics, he looked accusingly at her. "For someone in mourning, you made a very unusual… and seemingly-irrational move."

Reaching out, he quickly snatched her hand, holding it directly in front of her face. "_This_. Lamb, this is new."

Everything after that became a blur. Rinoa could vaguely recall flinching at his touch and her hand being jerked in front of her face. The flash of silver had only caught in the light for a moment before his hand was ripped from hers.

The moment Sirtis had crossed that line, Kiros made sure he paid the price. Lunging forward, the aide quickly acted to restrain the man. He grabbed Sirtis' arm and twisted it behind his back, snapping his wrist in the process. There had been no struggle or resistance as Sirtis' health made it far from a fair fight.

Rinoa's hand had only been caught in the fray for a second, but that mere second was more than enough to make her want to get the hell away. Jumping from her seat, she stepped back quickly, tripping over one of the chair's legs in the process. She barely kept her balance, reaching out to the wall for support. The cracking sound of bone still resonated in her mind, as did the sharp, inhumane cries of pain. She wanted to cover her ears to drown the world out, but all she could do was collapse against the wall and hope it would all be over soon.

The worst part was that she wasn't even sure if Sirtis' intention had been anything more than pointing out the ring. It might have been an overreaction on Kiros' part or vast stupidity on Sirtis' to physically grab her but, either way, the result had become bone-shatteringly clear.

It had all happened in a fraction of a second – from Kiros' swift reflexes, to the door slamming against the wall as it was flung open… the last part hadn't registered right away with her eyes fixed on the altercation. But when it did register, it hit her at full force. Her stomach lurched the instant she realized that Squall had entered the room. She so desperately wanted to yell at him to go back - blowing his cover over this simply wasn't worth it.

Even now, Sirtis still hadn't seen him, which meant there was still a chance for him to turn back. Yet, it didn't matter how much Rinoa hoped he'd do what she believed was logical – she knew that her hopes and wishes would fall on deaf ears. There was no way Squall would back down. How far he would go, however, was the bigger question.

When the commander had opened the door, he had no idea what he'd be facing on other side. Right then, they had only been talking, but when Sirtis had touched Rinoa, Squall knew all bets were off. The moment the door slammed into the wall, he had two choices - check on Rinoa or go after Sirtis. It became an easy choice. From across the room, he looked at her and made sure she was wasn't harmed. He knew that she wouldn't exactly be all right, as it would be almost impossible not to be shaken up by this but, with time, that would pass too.

It was when their eyes met that Rinoa sensed a change in him; even after charging in, the commander seemed to be in control of his emotions. There was something telling in the fact that he had checked on her first, even if it was at a distance, there was no doubt that his main concern was her.

Though still rattled, she mustered the strength to smile and mouthed, "Thank you."

With those two simple words, he felt disarmed. Why the hell should she be _thanking_ him? He was the one who put her in this situation. He was the one who constantly seemed to be disregarding protocol, even going so far as letting a moment of pride cloud his judgment. She shouldn't be thanking him, he should be asking for forgiveness, not only from her, but from anyone left in the wake of his reckless actions.

That thought bothered him, but now was not the time for self-reflection. Looking over to Sirtis, he knew the man was obviously in great pain, but at least his moans were starting to subside. He was still fully incapacitated. Kiros had one of his hands pinning his arm behind his back while the other held his head firmly against the table. There was still no way Sirtis could have seen the commander but, that didn't matter; Squall refused to hide anymore. The lies, Garden's deceit… it ended here. It wasn't like Squall to negotiate with a murderer but, if the only thing this man demanded was the truth, then that didn't seem too high of a price for everyone to get their lives back.

"Let him go," Squall ordered.

Kiros didn't question the commander, although he held his own doubts. He forced Sirtis' head down onto the table a bit harder before releasing him with a polite warning.

"Keep your damn hands to yourself. I won't be gentle next time."

Sirtis seemed less interested in his surroundings, or anyone in them, than he did with his wrist at the moment. "Fucking ass, you broke it."

Trying to sit upright, he continued to nurse his wrist. Kiros and Squall exchanged glances, both slightly shocked that Sirtis hadn't reacted to the commander's presence. It was possible he had been so preoccupied that he hadn't noticed, and yet… that seemed unlikely.

Squall moved directly in front of the man, daring him to take the bait. "You wanted to know what Rinoa was lying about? Here I am."

"Yes, here you are." The older man carefully laid his arm on the table, looking up at Squall. "It seems that the reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"I'm not disappointed." Sirtis flicked his head towards Rinoa. "If anything, I'm glad for Lamb."

It seemed that Sirtis had his own ideas of exactly who should be the one 'taking the bait.' Squall sure as hell wasn't going to bite, however. "Because I know you're thrilled with the game analogies - that's an amazing poker face. Earlier you said that you wanted to lay all your cards out on the table and yet you want us to believe you're not disappointed in your own failure? Tell me some other shit."

"Fine, if my feelings are somehow that important to you – I'm a little disappointed that your wife didn't save me a piece of cake, seeing as we're getting to be such good friends and all."

"Don't fucking start," the commander warned.

"Then don't ask questions I've already answered."

"That's the problem. You really aren't answering any of our questions. In fact, you've made that abundantly clear. But I'm sure someone who thought they had a perfect kill rate has to be upset about the one that got away."

Sirtis looked at him defiantly, a grotesque smile on his face. "If I wanted you dead, you wouldn't be standing here."

"Everyone makes mistakes. Just look at your work in Fisherman's Horizon."

"That wasn't a mistake… That was justice - pure and simple. That bastard deserved no mercy, even deserved so much worse than what he got."

It seemed that there was only one topic that had caused a crack in his emotional shell. "I heard that from you earlier, but all I see is an innocent father who is dead by your hands. Someone you served alongside with - someone who also pledged Esthar's military oaths to defend honor and valor."

It was all or nothing, the moment of truth. "Not only that, he was beside you from almost the very beginning to the very end. Even through Katipo."

When that single word was spoken, a deathly silence filled the air. The atmosphere had become charged with doubt and anticipation. With one spark, the entire room would have ignited like a Molotov cocktail. All eyes had fallen to Duncan Sirtis as what arrogance his face had shown was replaced with a silent torment. He shook his head, looking down at the table and losing the cocky arrogance in his voice.

"So, you really are a part of it. You'll find that some sins can never be forgiven and there are some actions that can never be atoned. In the end, you chose your side. When I turned myself in, I still had hope…"

For the first time since being in custody, Rinoa saw a sliver of that man she had spoken with in Balamb - the person who had taken time to listen to the problems of a stranger and the man that offered her hope.

It might have been easier to ignore that fleeting glimpse of compassion and believe he was a monster through and through. There was no doubt that he was guilty, that was never in question; however, what was in question were his motives. Too many things didn't add up, too many blanks and inconsistencies. She couldn't just walk into the other room and take the easier way out; she had lived enough of life behind the safety of tinted glass. It was important to know that her first instinct in Balamb was right; beneath it all, traces of a good man still existed – a good man that had lost himself along the way.

Surprising herself, she garnered the strength to move away from the wall. It wasn't easy to look at Sirtis, but it was something she had to do for herself. So without words or explanation, she retook her seat at the table. Squall glanced at her briefly, silently impressed with her fortitude, but said nothing as he stood beside her.

Sirtis was the first one to acknowledge her choice. "How much are they paying you? It will never be worth it."

She didn't answer and he never expected her to. When that got no reaction, he turned to Kiros, throwing a disdainful warning to the aide. "I knew what Esthar was planning from the moment I heard about the TEL line. If you think what I did to those politicians was bad, you have no idea what you're about to do. I couldn't do a damn thing decades ago, but I could stop others from making new mistakes. And I did. But you…you just made the biggest mistake today – too bad nobody stopped you. All I can say is, don't trust your friends and watch your back; you're in bed with a demon."

Now it was Squall's turn. Since deciding to be so congenial, Sirtis wanted to make sure he treated these vultures fairly; the last thing he wanted was to be accused of favoritism. "I knew this was a setup. The fact that you're standing here - alive and kicking - proves how far the deceit goes. Just so you know, daddy-dearest is no better than Adel, but to her credit, at least you knew where she stood. She didn't try to become friends with the country before destroying it, can't say the same for the baboons running it now."

He turned to the window, making sure everyone outside could hear. "You want the truth? Yes, over the last few months, I killed six people… all of who were far from innocent. Congratulations, there's your damn confession. The question is, in the next few months, how many lives are _you_ going to destroy?"

Sirtis' last words of wisdom were once again for the young soldier. "You call me a monster, but you're working with them… sometimes the scariest monsters are the ones we face in the mirror. How many more innocent lives are_ you_ going to take, commander?"

Squall folded his arms, defiantly looking down at the man. It wasn't the normal stare given to a suspect - it was a contempt that went far deeper. He had never felt such disgust for single human being, although that term should be applied loosely in this case – if at all. Again, Sirtis was trying to throw the blame back on anyone he could; it was all in desperate hope to find someone weak enough to fall for his mind games.

Squall would be damned if he ever took the bait, however. "I helped saved lives. A whole world in fact. The only life I'm planning on destroying in the near future is yours. Quit playing the damn victim. You said you'd give answers for the truth. It's yours, whatever I know. …Or was your offer only a bluff? If it was, I'd rethink – seriously. Trust me, nobody in the World Council will listen to one word of your shit and the only fucking game they'll play is the one where your severed head ends up on a pike."

Apparently, Sirtis didn't take the earlier warning at face value. As he stood to meet Squall's challenge, Kiros started forward, but the commander cut him off by raising his hand. Squall could more than take care of himself. He would not back down; this wasn't about a physical conflict - it was a mental battle that had only just begun.

"I'm not the one playing a damn game," Sirtis growled defensively. "It's you. It's Garden. It's Esthar. It's whatever setup you and your 'associates' have going with this award-winning performance. I will not be responsible for what those bastards did, what they made me do… and I sure as hell won't be the one to be responsible for anything you do now. I served with those men and women, I knew their friends and families, and will not ruin their lives even more. That's on you, assholes. If you're so dead set on finding a scapegoat, look again. I don't care how many lives you saved, Mr. World Hero, if you hurt them again, you can go to hell with the rest of the monsters."

"Sit down," Squall murmured.

When Sirtis didn't react, Kiros moved over and forcefully pushed the man into his seat.

All eyes were on Squall as he remained oddly silent. After a few seconds, he turned and started to walk away. He was obviously upset… something Sirtis said had gotten to him. Rinoa reached out and he brushed her hand off, not wanting to be comforted right now. She tried not to look upset, knowing it was most likely an automatic response; in hindsight, she should have thought that one through. Having your wife figuratively and literally holding your hand through an interrogation probably didn't bode well - it definitely had to diminish the intimidation factor.

Embarrassed by the stupid mistake, she decided it was best to keep her hands in her lap. For some reason, she decided to look up at the mirror - yet another mistake. Behind her reflection, she wondered what the others were saying about her. Lauren was probably having a royal fit over that her blunder, while Zell was doing his damndest to defend her being there. Laguna probably didn't see anything wrong with it and wondered what the big deal was and Ward would just roll his eyes in response.

Turning her head slightly away, she could see Squall's reflection. His head was slightly bowed as his fingers rubbed his temples. Rinoa knew that sign well - it was a sure fire bet that he was giving himself a stress headache. Given the pressure, they were all about due for one. To her surprise, she was pulled out of her thoughts when somebody broke the silence.

Sirtis had been studying Squall's demeanor carefully. After getting a good read, he turned back to Rinoa. "Lamb, looks like we're all being played."

Then he laughed.

His words left her even more confused. This time, she looked over her shoulder so she could see Squall directly. He had turned around, most likely at Sirtis' voice, and now was on his way back to the table. The commander's confusion was gone, at least outwardly, regaining his normal steely composure.

He now stood closer to Sirtis than he had been, keeping eye contact the entire time. All at once, he slammed his fist onto the table; this was the start of Squall's new challenge.

It was a challenge that he never thought he'd be proposing; it was asking a question he never thought he would be asking. Honestly, he had thought the answer had been a given – it never occurred to him they might have been wrong.

"Don't give me any shit. You said the soldiers were your friends? Do you really want to protect the families? If you care enough, you'll give me straight answers to protect their memories…Was your recent killing spree leading up to uncovering Katipo? Was exposing Esthar your endgame?"

"It never was." He said both simply and honestly. "What I did was to stop the mistakes from happening again. I haven't lied to you. I might not have been directly honest, but I never outright lied."

"If it wasn't about the past, then why kill Blalock?"

"That turned out not to be about the past, but about the present. Like I said, he deserved it." He paused, looking down to his wrist before continuing. "But to understand, you'd have to see the whole picture. How much do you know about Katipo?"

"Nothing."

Sirtis couldn't help but sneer. "So much for your honesty. Shoulda figured. Fucking politicians."

The commander hadn't intended to lie, but the shards and fragments of information they had _were_ nothing to him. Then again, that was his opinion; maybe it was best to let Sirtis form his own.

"We know nothing concrete. The President tried to help us uncover what we could. Unsurprisingly, there were no computer references and it appears most of the paperwork either never existed or has been long since destroyed. In the old Lunatic Pandora Lab, we were lucky enough to recover a single box of files. It was very little and cryptic - the only thing we could make heads-or-tails out of were immunization records, a list of chemicals, and a news article. Honestly, the most solid lead we managed to come up with was via a friend of Rinoa's who is…" Squall paused to mentally chalk this up as another thing he never thought he'd be admitting. "Let's just say a… conspiracy theory aficionado. He heard that Esthar had been injecting people, possibly to make them into better soldiers."

Rinoa wanted to get this over. It was her friend and no matter who said it, Zone was going to come off as a little… unstable. He always meant well, but his enthusiasm could just be overzealous.

"Zombies. He used the word _zombies_, okay?" Rinoa irritably snapped, looking at her husband. She had gone on the defensive as there was only so much crap she could take about Zone's theory. "And no, I don't think he meant the kind you find in horror movies. Zombies, or rather 'lifeless' entities, could mean soldiers without emotional attachments or without concern for their own safety… an emotionless husk with one basic function – to kill."

When she was done, she was quite proud of herself. The entire concept seemed less humorous when put into a real world application… and even plausible. Truthfully, she believed that Squall and Zell would have to agree that her explanation had credence in a military setting. The only thing was that no matter how feasible it came across as, she damn well knew Zone had meant zombie-zombies, but she'd be damned if these guys knew that.

She noticed that they'd become strangely quiet with all eyes on her, but she held her ground. Finally, Squall's attention returned to Sirtis, "Like I said, we had nothing."

"You have _something_," Sirtis said sarcastically, "but it's the same something usually found floating in the toilet."

"You asked what we knew and we told you. If you don't believe that then I don't know what to tell you."

"Oh, I believe you - nobody could make up shit like that and say it with a straight face. And Lamb, you need to find friends that aren't fuckin' nuts." He laughed bitterly before looking at Squall. "Is the ferret around? Oh, my _humble_ apologies... is dear ol' daddy ferret around? I know Lamb here said he wasn't before you came in to chat. I get it. We all know the building's big and when you have a ferret-sized brain, it's easy to get lost, I'm sure."

It was insulting, but since Sirtis was actually communicating, Squall knew that whatever he decided to call them was a moot point. It was only to get a rise out them and the most logical thing to do was let it be.

"Yes. He's watching from behind the glass."

"Good. Before we go any further, I want him in here."

"No deal."

"Funny, it's odd that you protect daddy but not your wife-y? Hell, you basically threw her to the wolves...should be interesting to see how long this marriage will last."

"Leave my family out of this. I'm not protecting my father - I'm just not putting the President of Esthar in your line of fire – so to speak. I know your feelings on this country, and can't say that I blame you, but I won't let your hatred be misdirected."

Before Sirtis had a chance to reply, the door to the observation area opened. Everyone turned to look, yet nobody was surprised when Laguna walked in. His confidence didn't carry the same air as Squall's, although slamming doors to make a grand entrance might have helped a little.

Kiros didn't flinch at his arrival. Just like Squall, once Laguna set his mind on something, it was going to happen. In fact, the aide could've closed his eyes and then opened the door for the President to walk through, down to the very last second; Kiros was that familiar with his friend's timing... barring any unfortunate mishaps and/or missteps, that was. Rinoa's reaction was more sentimental as she inwardly smiled. The more time she spent around those two, the more she could see a familial resemblance. They both stubbornly denied others and, in this case, both were determined to face Sirtis directly.

In a twist of irony, the only vocal response came from the person who was normally silent.

"_Great. Just great._" Squall's comment was quiet, but far from silent. Even worse, he had to fight the urge to roll his eyes when, on top of simply coming in, Laguna decided to come in with an ice pack in tow. Leave it to him to feel sympathy or guilt… or both for the guy who tried to kill his son. Whatever it was, it was something very Laguna-like.

"I don't expect you to stop calling me ferret, but here." The President handed him the ice pack before stepping towards Rinoa. There was something telling in the fact that he had chosen to stand next to her rather than his own son.

"Family reunion, how _touching_." He placed the ice bag on his hand, carefully examining the unique dynamic before him. "Ferret, I need to hear this answer from you, not your son - was this about Esthar exposing Katipo through a scapegoat? I need to hear it from you, yourself, god knows you can't speak for the rest of your government."

"No. I'm not even sure what all of this means, but if Esthar really did something that caused hundreds of their own to die but maybe…" His voice grew softer, shaking his head. "No, in my heart, I know there's no maybe about any of this. I'm sure they did it... I know what Odine alone is capable of doing. I know firsthand what Adel was capable of. I have no doubt… something happened…"

It became too emotional for him to continue. Rinoa had watched him suffer through this as each word was slowly killing a small part of him. She didn't care how it would look - it wasn't about that now, it was about letting someone know they had support. From where she sat, she reached out, grabbing his hand. Unlike Squall, he was grateful but she knew better than to draw comparisons – despite some similarities, they were two different people in two different situations.

Laguna smiled to her before looking back to Sirtis. "Esthar's been hurt enough. We need to heal."

"Then you have a longer road ahead of you than you can imagine. Be careful who you trust."

There was something so haunting about his words, not on the surface but rather within the meaning they carried beneath. Laguna could have ignored them, chalked them up to the ravings of a madman and a confessed serial killer, but the fact that they were spoken in earnest couldn't be dismissed. The fact that Sirtis had been honest, cruel but honest, was also on his mind. Laguna felt the grip of Rinoa's fingers tighten, silently letting him know that he wasn't alone.

Sirtis too could see that Laguna had begun to listen; it might not have been all for naught at the end and the least he could do was give the President a fighting chance. "The people you need to worry about were here before you and no matter what you think, Esthar isn't your country. They just allow you to act as the figurehead. When your goals had aligned with theirs, you were fine… but you blew that to hell."

"What… ?"

The more he talked, the less obscure his warnings seemed like. Laguna had never understood why he had been chosen to lead the country. Sure, he may have been a military hero, but that certainly didn't qualify him for politics. Maybe if he had started off small and worked up the ladder but…even he had to question his ascent. He was a stranger to a country he barely knew, to customs and beliefs he didn't even understand… the sudden power never felt right. And what was the first thing he did? He led the country into seclusion because he was _advised _that it was for the best, a suggestion he blindly trusted.

"…What did I do?" No doubt remained; it was clear to Laguna that he had been used. And if his actions inadvertently placed others in danger… he would never forgive himself.

Sirtis laughed once more. He didn't care of this was some grand moment of realization. If only this fool had asked more questions two decades ago.

"Oh you did something wrong, very wrong. Your little plan worked. Congratulations, you got my attention, but it also attracted some… less favorable people who get off on cold-blooded shit. And this coming from someone who's rather proud he just axed six people, so you know you're fucking screwed. You and your Deling trio of misfits are on their radar now and there's no going back… welcome to hell. _My hell_."

Kiros decided to join in, not nearly as trusting as Laguna. He certainly wasn't going to stand idly by while this parasite tried to bore his way into the President's head.

"Your words are just that – _words_. The only worth they have is their perceived value in your mind. You say we've blindly followed before, but now you expect us to blindly follow you - a murderer who kills without mercy? Do not project your paranoid delusions of the past onto the present. It's a fruitless labor and we refuse to be pawns in your game."

"If they're only words, you would think that you could understand at least one of them. Hell, when even ferret gets it before you, it's time to reevaluate your listening skills, Bulldog boy. If I could bark it, would that help?"

Growing very tired of this bullshit, Kiros stepped forward, involuntarily causing Sirtis to flinch. Once more, the commander found himself in the unlikely role of mediator, this time placing a hand on him. No one was above having breaking points, including Kiros, and Sirtis seemed to be his.

"Nobody blew a dog whistle, better keep your pet in line," he replied smugly, looking at Laguna. After all, seeing these lemmings riled up was his only source of entertainment.

"It's ironic your pet thinks I'm lying. You're the fools who set up a press conference to draw me out, staged your son's death, and held a funeral. I'm sure all that cost a pretty Gil. And while we're having fun tallying your lies, how 'bout that other SeeD in a coma? Going out on a limb here - fake as Poodle's implants, right? In fact, I'd put money that the other guy is watching us. Sad, he's too chicken to come out and face me."

Carefully, Sirtis turned around just enough to wave at the glass. "Hey, Chicken… why don't you come out and say hello? Let me guess, don't you have the nuggets to face me?"

Behind the window, Zell couldn't help mumble. Even in the midst of _this_, he was somehow branded as a _chicken._ That hurt. Couldn't someone be original for a change? Pigeon, turkey, emu… he would have preferred to be called any bird that wasn't a damn chicken and, most importantly, his nuggets were just fine, thank you very much. Of course, this so wasn't the point, but it couldn't help but sting his pride a little.

Sirtis didn't wait to see if anyone took the bait. "I went after my targets, clean and simple. You are the ones with the history of playing games."

"What about the tree I helped you plant? After what you did to Squall… why plant it? Maybe that wasn't a game to you… but after I found out the truth, it felt like one to me." Rinoa couldn't speak about the rest, but this was something she knew firsthand.

"Best intentions and all that, right?" Kiros shot back irritably.

"…And the addresses? You want us to believe the victims coincidentally lived on streets named after trees? I'm glad to know that was some magical fluke." Squall added, although he couldn't refute Sirtis' earlier arguments.

Garden _had _played games on many levels. Sadly, the commander had become too immune to some of their tactics over the years. Still, all of this was truly moot. It was nothing more than a battle of pride between the two sides, two peacocks showing their plumage while a pack of wolves approached. It didn't matter who was the winner - in the end, they'd both end up as nothing more than an appetizer.

For this very reason, Squall had to take the higher road. "It doesn't matter who was playing who – neither side is innocent. But you're right - we did play games. I'll admit that much so we can move forward to what's important. We need to know the truth before people get hurt. From everything I've been led to believe, Katipo can do just that. You wanted Laguna in here so you could get assurance and you got what you wanted. Now we need facts."

They were always on borrowed time and while some answers could wait, some had to be spoken now. It was a truce of sorts, a reprieve that both sides reluctantly agreed to.

"Fine. You told me what you knew a few minutes ago, but is that it? Since we're all buddy-buddy now, maybe something slipped your mind, something better than zombies."

On instinct, Squall wanted to hold back; he wanted to be the one to lead the interrogation. It was like when Rinoa had confronted him - Sirtis was steering the conversation. Still, this came down to the commander deferring his pride and knowing when it was best to take the backseat. This was their one shot at answers and while he might have been a peacock, he also knew when to put his plumage down. Plus, it made Sirtis much easier for the wolves to see.

"We don't know much. The box we recovered contained what I'd mentioned before - mainly files on military personal… but there were a few items I chose to omit like a topographical map, a list of chemicals, and data that detailed the inoculations given on-site. We figure that's the catalyst to whatever Katipo was – it's whatever poison they injected into the soldiers."

Reaching for a nearby folder, Squall pulled out the only other thing found at the facility. Setting it in front of Sirtis, he pointed to the black and white photograph of his father fighting a dragon.

"This was the article I mentioned before. There was no explanation why this should be archived with the files. It's a review of a movie Laguna had starred in before becoming President. We thought they might have been studying him or watching for weakness... honestly, we can't say. We think that maybe Laguna was supposed to play a later part."

"Then you were right before - you know next to nothing." Sirtis picked up the newspaper, glancing at both sides. Finally, he held up the side with the movie review. "This article, my _friend_, is serendipity. The only thing to be learned from this is that a Ruby Dragon's pile of shit can act better than daddy."

"I wasn't _that_ bad." Laguna couldn't help but defend his rather short-lived acting career. Of course, it only earned a contemptuous glare from his son.

Sirtis forcefully slid the paper across the table. As it flew up, Squall managed to catch it before it landed on the floor. "Nobody gives a damn about the shit-fest movie. The real story is on the other side."

The commander recalled the article or at least the gist; it was about how Estharian citizens had been coping with a drought - a human interest story. It listed alternative ideas over the summer besides water-related activities, dotted with blurbs about how people were trying to stay cool and conserve water until the crisis was over.

They had considered it briefly, but the fact that Laguna had been on the other side seemed like too big of coincidence. Still, it now it gave him pause. "The drought?"

"…Adel had like a weather machine?" Laguna added in utter disbelief. He knew that sorceresses could do a lot of things if given the power, but controlling the weather seemed a little out of Adel's league. Then again, Ultimecia had managed to manipulate time, so nothing seemed that implausible.

"No. Your thinking is a little, well… Let's just say Diablo help me if I actually understood the way you think, because it fails on every level of logic," Sirtis sneered. Now he found it even more ridiculous that this imbecile supposedly ran country. "Ferret, gotta ask again, who exactly handed the keys of Esthar over to you? I sure as hell didn't vote for you or even recall _anyone_ voting for your ass. You just kind of burrowed your way into office like a carnivorous earwig… or, should I remind you again, an earwig who is being completely used."

"I prefer Ferret." Laguna's reply was rather abstract and certainly didn't answer the question. Not that he was going to anyhow.

"You're a damn puppet. For the sake of Esthar, wake the hell up! Remember it's better to be a ferret than a scapegoat."

"Enough!" the commander warned. "You're the one that wanted him in here. Show some damn respect."

Again, Squall felt himself in an unfamiliar position of defending Laguna. Even if he wanted to, and often did, roll his eyes at his father's actions, Sirtis certainly didn't have the right to belittle him or his position.

"Snippy, now I see why Poodle liked you." Sirtis couldn't help but take another potshot at them - they made it so damn easy. "Forget the weather machine and think a little more real and a lot more chemical. See, Odine had his 'pet' projects and Adel was more than willing to fund them."

"One of those 'pets' was my sister," Squall venomously interrupted. There were some lines he would never allow to be crossed and Sirtis had just stepped directly on one.

"I didn't know, my apologies." To everyone's surprise, his words didn't hold the same spite as before, giving a hint of genuine sympathy. "The point I was trying to make is that even Odine could look moral among certain circles. Please understand I meant no disrespect to your sister but, Odine… he had a purpose, misguided of course, but his experiments were limited to people who met a specific criteria. Then there were those who were… not as picky in their test subjects –_ subjects_ that I called friends."

"Odine wasn't part of it?" Laguna asked with a lump in his throat, having a hard time thinking of Odine as 'moral' by any definition of the word. Either Sirtis was blowing smoke up their asses, or he truly believed that there were monstrosities far worse than what Odine had committed.

"No, he wasn't. That crazy-ass clown was too focused on his sorceress fetish. I'm not even sure if he knew what else was going on outside his lab. That guy was basically obsessed way past the point of creepy; his unnatural interest in little girls was… fucking sick. How that clown walks around with his freedom is beyond me, but again, I'm sure you don't have much say in that, they just want you to think you do… Anyway, I honestly doubt Odine knew about Katipo - Adel was quite good at keeping the people working for her in the dark. She didn't want the left hand to know what the right hand it was doing - it just made it easier to wash her hands all at once."

"Makes sense." Squall looked at Laguna and then down to Rinoa, who had been amazingly quiet. He couldn't blame her. This was even hard as hell for him to hear and he was trained to deal with the worst in humanity. "It makes cleaning easier."

"…You mean?" Rinoa managed, albeit hoarsely.

"Yes, I do. It's easier to order an extermination of entire group. Best way to keep information from leaking is mass execution. Also, if someone were to fall through the cracks, there's plausible deniability."

"Welcome to war. It ain't pretty." Sirtis grinned as he looked at Rinoa, taking this moment to enjoy some more of his free entertainment. "Lamb, now that you and I've bonded over our mutual dislike for Dr. Pervert-Clown, your Ferret-in law's shitty acting abilities, and how dead hubby managed to bed both you and Poodle… It's truth-telling time, was the bedding him thing individual or simultaneous? It's the second one, right? You can tell me, it'll be like I'm part of your dysfunctional family and all."

Rinoa blinked a few times, unsure of how to respond. She had said so little and the last thing she expected was to be called out like that. Her mind tried so badly to comprehend.

"I-I don't get you. One minute you seem to genuinely care and then the next… you don't."

"Rinoa…" Squall began, trying to softly warn her with his tone. They had been getting somewhere and he was afraid that she'd accidently set him off again. Rinoa had been absolutely correct – Sirtis was volatile but, for the sake of the truth, she needed to let it rest.

The commander had seen reactions like this before, even Seifer had been this way, but to a _much _lesser degree; it was a defense mechanism – pure and simple. Any time Sirtis generally started getting emotional or reliving past memories, he'd counter those feelings with hostility.

As for Rinoa, she seemed to understand Squall's plea. It was hard for her, being someone who tended to wear her emotions on her sleeve, but she pushed through. So, instead of becoming upset like he wanted, she did the opposite. "Please tell us about Katipo. You have to believe that all of us here want to help, but as you said… we can't say the same for everyone else."

"Ah, Lamb, since you asked so nicely, let's get back to the big mystery. Since you have the files, I'm guessing you know my military history better than I do. I'm sure the first part's right, no gain in Esthar screwing with that. So, same normal shit, until one day when I got called into the Captain's office. Then it all went to hell. I'd been reassigned but the thing is - they wouldn't even let me go back to my bunk to get my belongings. Before I could even question the bastards, I was whisked away, thrown into the middle of some base in the middle of the Great Salt Lake. Trust me, the scenery was great the first ten minutes, then you realize it's nothing more than a damn prison."

He took a breath, readjusting the bag of ice. That was the easy part; he wished his life story had just ended there. "We couldn't talk at first. No communication besides the officers barking the orders. Finally, all of us were rounded up and they made us go over the military oaths and reminded us that we swore to defend our country with our lives. They thought we'd buy the 'field hospital' thing and we did – for all of two minutes. We knew when the scientists outnumbered any real doctors or patients that we'd landed in some serious shit. Next they took us to one room and made us strip down and one by one, they gave us some damn physical… or whatever the hell it was. Then we stood in another line for shots; apparently we needed to be vaccinated against a virus that thrived in that climate. They could have given us clothes, but I think they were going for the humiliation factor. From day one, they wanted us to know who the hell was in charge and it certainly wasn't us grunts…"

"You became their test subjects." Squall realized that their earlier thoughts might have been correct. "We believed they might have been testing for some type of antidote in case of chemical warfare."

"Congratulations then… for jumping to yet another wrong conclusion." Sirtis was getting tired of this; it seemed like they were more intent on being right than listening and the 'dead guy' seemed to be at the top of list. "Damn, you just don't listen, do you? How you got commander, I'll never know, then again, maybe it was the same reason daddy gets to play leader. Apparently, whoever put you two idiots in charge didn't do so because of your brains… I clearly stated what the shot was for - there was a virus, something about being the mold in the area. People _do_ get inoculations for things like the flu. Really, genius, you can look it up. I'll wait right here if you want… or if you'd rather I continue, how about you just shut up? Then again, I could just agree with whatever fucked-up theory you have just to end this quicker."

Rinoa started to reach out to Squall, but withdrew quickly, remembering a few minutes ago. This certainly wasn't the time to upset him further. To her surprise, she felt a hand on her shoulder giving her a small squeeze. Leave it to Laguna to return the favor from earlier. Sirtis had been right on at least one account – it was a unique family dynamic. She didn't care how skewed it seemed to outsiders, it was one she was damn proud to be a part of.

Sirtis bowed his head, looking as though he was almost struggling to find his words. Again, she could see that side he tried to hide with spiteful words. He was in pain. He was a man fighting against himself, against his memories.

"It was flawed. All of it. There wasn't a fucking thing about Katipo that wasn't sick or twisted. I knew something was going on, I just thought…"

Exhaling, Sirtis looked back up, his eyes coming to rest on Squall. Even the commander could see that the man's wall was breaking, the tears he was fighting confirmed as much.

"… I thought exactly what you did. It's what we all thought. Not at first, of course, but when people started becoming ill, those shots we got the first day seemed like the most likely culprit. Maybe that's why hearing it… it was…" His words trailed before his demeanor turned one hundred and eighty degrees. It was like all traces of the remorse were gone and when he spoke, he sounded detached. It was as if a bystander was simply retelling the events.

"What people think isn't important. It's only the truth that matters. So when it continued, the soldiers became even more suspicious. Not long after, the leaders formed a subgroup and separated by putting them into another area of the compound. I was among that group. Then they had the balls to say we were the _lucky _ones. Lucky…. want to know how Esthar defined lucky? It was the ones who were told, _'follow orders without question or your families will be executed.'_ _Lucky,_ my fucking ass. In hindsight, the lucky ones were the ones who died quickly, still believing in the country they were fighting for… but none of that matters today, does it? Don't worry, it didn't matter to the government then either."

Sirtis knew his anger was misdirected, but it was hard not to be bitter. He wouldn't apologize for his feelings or what he had said, but he would tell them what he knew. "Katipo… It was something I'd overheard only after we were placed into the subgroup. I wasn't a scientist and had never heard of the word, but I had enough intelligence to look up."

Again, he found himself faltering. To everyone's surprise, he looked at Rinoa. "Can I get some water?"

She wasn't sure what to do, but Squall nodded. Getting up, she quickly started heading towards the door. She didn't even make it two steps inside before Lauren handed her with an already-filled cup. Again, Rinoa found herself shocked. It wasn't that someone had handed her the water as that was rather expected, but it was the look Lauren had given her. It was a genuine smile - a sympathetic, yet encouraging, gesture.

Walking back, Rinoa stretched out her hand to him. She hadn't even realized how bad she was trembling, until she saw the water moving in the glass. She wished he'd just take the damn thing, instead of making her feel even more uncomfortable. The commander even wondered what Sirtis had been thinking. Did he believe that after all this, SeeD would decide to drug him? Sirtis had to know that would be a completely idiotic move. They had him talking now - drugging him would be very counterproductive.

A few seconds later, the trance finally shattered. With a nod, Sirtis accepted the glass with his good hand. He looked at it again, as if he was contemplating his next move, but must have decided it was safe as he took a few sips of water. When he was done, he set the cup on the table and then continued as if nothing odd had occurred.

"As I said, the whole project was flawed from the beginning. Hell, if you want to get technical, even the name was flawed… So, I looked up the word Katipo. It certainly didn't mean what I thought it would mean, far from it._ A spider_. Yeah, we'd all known Adel had some depraved fascination with them. Hell, if she wasn't dissecting a sorceress, she was dissecting a spider. From what I was told, she thought of arachnids as nature's perfect hunters – efficient, deadly assassins. In her speeches to the troops, she'd often relate their tactics to that of our military… I remember only pieces of her blathering… I know one was like how our ground troops needed to _'channel a spider's aura'_ or something. You know like camouflage themselves better when they're laying in wait, how to set the perfect traps, how to better build a believable web of lies for the enemy to fall for."

He laughed to himself, reaching for a sip of water before continuing. "The moment I should have known our country was in trouble was when she told our Special Forces they needed to methodically sneak up and use their 'fangs' to distribute venom that will kill silently… I took it to mean like a knife slicing a jugular. Then again, Adel was bat-shit insane and might have truly believed our soldiers had fangs. Who knows? Hell, later she ended up visiting the facility and told me that I was a kindred spirit with the spiders. Apparently, I had some kind of amazing eyesight and could find my prey from long distances. They weren't my fucking prey... they were my friends. They were my fucking friends and I killed them. I'm not sure if they were in their right minds… I wasn't at that point, but not for the same reason. I couldn't let them leave, I wanted to, but I fucking couldn't. I doubt anyone would ever understand."

"She'd kill their families," Squall stated, truly finding himself empathizing with the hell this man went through for the first time. "You shot them, to save their families."

This time, Sirtis didn't get upset with the commander's interruption. Maybe, just maybe he was glad to tell someone, someone who on some levels, might understand.

"Yes. I had to remind myself of that each time I pulled the trigger. Adel followed up on her threats… she took sadistic pleasure in it – like the spider and the fly. This one guy had gone AWOL right after the first wave hit. I'd never talked to him, maybe saw him once or twice… that's it. We were told he never made it far… and it was the truth. We saw that as they dragged him back into camp and executed him at point blank range right in front of us. _That_ wasn't our warning – that was just business. The warning to us was when they dragged his wife and teenage son back in along with him. His family was killed first so he could watch. It was never enough for Adel to just stab you in the heart; she had to twist that serrated blade in deeper even after you stopped bleeding. We all understood that day there was no return – we were all dead either way.

"The only true choice we had is who would die with us. If we fought, our families would die; if we surrendered peacefully, only our minds would die… and after so much suffering, those lines easily blurred. The one I shot trying to escape, _I did it for them_… if they'd been in their right minds, no escape attempt would be worth the price. They were too far gone – after awhile, reality and hope get skewed and all that remains is insanity. So, yes, I killed them…"

"To protect who they were fighting for," Laguna finished. This was Esthar's history. These were the ghosts that he would have to live with… these were the voices he would have to keep silent.

"That's why if you think my intention in all of this was to make Katipo public, you'd be very wrong. But if you think my goal was to stop another tyrant like Adel from emerging, you'd be very right. Yes, I recently killed five people for the evil I saw growing in them. History is full of people asking, _'what if this leader had never risen to power'_ or, _'what if someone had the foresight to stop them?'_ I saw the signs… and what the hell, I had nothing left to lose. My freedom was an easy price since my health has already given me a death sentence."

Sirtis knew he had done what countless people wished they had the courage to do. When he looked into the commander's eyes, something told him that he shared that darkness, although he would never admit it. Because once that road had been traveled down once, there was no coming back from the void.

"Don't expect an apology. My actions carry no regrets. Think of the countless lives that would've been saved if someone had stopped Adel. Yes, it might be murder, but in the case of pure evil it's justifiable… and spare me the rhetoric about justice not being mine to decide. That's your opinion and I have mine. I also practice subtlety, while SeeD still is focused on pageantry, apparently. I ask you, what good did it do you to fake your own death? What good did it do you to top off your stupidity with a press conference? You know there was a reason I tried to do this low key… to keep the murders from being tied together, but you assholes single-handily have ruined that by drawing attention to yourselves. It's like you're standing on a damn hill top, blowing whistles, putting banners up, and having a parade full of idiots with a hell'va lot to lose on your end. Half of the reason I showed up today was to save your asses."

"You've said that already," Squall stated bluntly, "And it's ironic that the only idiot who showed up to our parade of one seems to be you. So feel free to enlighten us on how you've managed to save us all. You know, you haven't even told us what Katipo was, just what i_t wasn't_. Not sure how something from that long ago could make such a big impact today. I think you're overestimating your worth…by a damn long shot."

Despite his words, the truth was that Squall knew quite well how the past affected the present. Still, he was trying to appeal to Sirtis' pride, although something told him that this man was smart enough to figure it out. The hard truth was that Sirtis had been in charge since the moment he walked up to Lauren.

And see through he did, Sirtis laughed at the commander's pathetic façade. These assholes were lucky that he cared enough about other people and wanted to tell them the truth, if only to make them live with the daily reminders of the horror. He could guarantee that not one of them would ever make it through an entire day with at least some doubt. Reaching out, he took a long, deliberate drink of his water, before setting it back down.

"You know, commander, it took me a little while with you… you truly were the wild card in all this. I wanted to watch and figure you out, but now I know what you remind me of – a cuckoo bird. Not only is the name seemingly apropos, but they're the con artists in the world of birds. They lay their eggs in someone else's nest and then some poor sap raises it as its own. Got to hand it to 'em, they got the parenting thing down pat, you know, not being there and having someone else do all the dirty work. It gets even better once the cuckoos are born - they tend to dispose of the 'siblings.' It's sibling rivalry in its most deadly form."

The older man looked at Rinoa. "It'd be best to take something from this lesson, Lamb. Who knows how many eggs your cuckoo husband has in some other chickadee's nest? Maybe Poodle is just the first and maybe in about nine months, your hubby will have a whole flock of his own."

Squall had to take his own advice again and remain composed. "Your knowledge of avian facts really doesn't tell us a damn thing. We're here, we're listening, and now we'd like answers. I'm not saying it again - what is Katipo?"

"You already know… Okay, maybe I haven't told you in precise words but, if even one of you geniuses was a fraction as smart as you think you are, you'd have figured it out. I led you right to it. Sometimes the truth is right in front of you and you're too blinded or too fucking stupid to see it. In fact, you should be thanking Lamb. Your wife was the one to help me show you."

Squall had a sickening feeling. "What the hell did you do to her?"

"Don't get your tail feathers in a ruffle, Commander Cuckoo. I said she helped show you…" Sirtis reiterated. Knowing his entertainment would end soon, he had to make the most of it.

"First of all, I didn't do anything to her…. not that I wouldn't mind. In fact, why don't you give me a few hours with Lamb and Poodle together. Since you didn't give me a straight answer earlier, I'm guessing that it's something you've tried once or twice."

"Stop this!" Laguna let go of Rinoa, stepping directly up to the table.

He had enough of this man belittling Squall, Rinoa, and their relationship in general. Maybe his interruption wasn't the smartest move on a political front, but he knew it was the only one he could make on behalf of his family.

"Listen, I know you want to help. I do, I just do. But whatever this animosity is between you and my son, just needs to end. Get over it, both of you. I've only ever wanted to help people… and if there's a chance that this can hurt anyone, in Esthar or otherwise, I need to find a way to stop it. Please… I know I'm the President of the country that did the unthinkable to you… but I promised to protect the people here. You know what, if I am a puppet, I'll have to figure that out later. But if by any chance I am, this is my chance to cut the strings. And I know no apology is going to change the past… but you helped these people's families before. You wanted to save them then, so let's save their memories now. Please. This is my last chance… what is Katipo?"

A pained look crossed Sirtis' face as he thought about the words. His problem with Squall was simple – it was anger. "I don't like your son because of his lies. Even if it wasn't his idea, he was more than willing to go along with the whole fake death thing and funeral. When the push comes to shove, I will admit what I did. I just don't like being set up for what I didn't do, but let's let that subject rest for now."

Reaching for his drink, he took another quick sip before setting in the center of the table.

"…Now, I'm not a scientist on any account, so give me leeway on some of the facts … then again, I doubt anyone who knows the truth will give you the time of day. So, as I was saying, I'd overheard one of the science guys mumble the word Katipo, so I managed to run a computer search. Shit, I was clueless, it could have been a damn vegetable for all I knew… but turns out it wasn't. Far from it. Now go back to my earlier comments about Adel's almost ritualistic worshiping of spiders… hell, look at the layout of Esthar if you need further proof. From what I came to understand, the city planners modeled it off of the Katipo spider."

Taking his good hand, he gestured at the table, making a circle. "Now, pretend this is a map of the city... but don't think of it as a city with buildings and shit, think of it as a very large and powerful spider."

"Esthar is Katipo… the city itself?" Laguna questioned out loud.

He'd known that the plans were based on a spider, looking at map made that quite obvious, but had never known about any specifics to the layout. He had asked about it once or twice after taking office, but anyone who he thought might have known the history, seemingly became mute on the subject. He had figured that they honestly hadn't known… but, after today, he would start to wonder.

"Partially correct." Sirtis pointed again to the imaginary outline on the table. The only thing obstructing the table was his glass, but he saw no reason to move it. "See, while a spider's venom may not be fatal with one bite to humans… but see, to Adel, we were insects. _Her_ insects."

Squall didn't say anything, but that hit a familiar chord. Ultimecia had called them locusts. It seemed as though Adel held similar views on humanity. Shaking the thoughts, he continued to listen.

"Again, imagine that Esthar itself is a large spider – with a few necessary liberties that needed to be taken. See, spiders have glands that distribute the venom through the fangs, but that doesn't work in Esthar's case, does it? Instead of glands, our 'city-sized' spider was forced to have the toxins flowing through its veins. Again, I'm simplifying for the sake of my understanding… Back then, we thought we'd been injected with a chemical and that it was what made us sick… but it never was that simple."

One final time, he moved his hand in a giant circle over the table. "Think of this as a spider and tell me how the venom, toxin or whatever is 'flowing' through its veins."

Squall looked down to the only thing sitting on the table, the only thing that Sirtis had requested. The one thing Rinoa had given him.

"It was in the water… you drank it."

"Commander Cuckoo earned a cracker, good job." Sirtis whistled to imitate a bird but nobody paid attention – there was too much to soak in.

Picking up the glass, Sirtis raised his glass as if he was making a toast to the discovery. "To anyone within the sound of my voice, I promise you one thing – every drop of water from this day forth will bring questions. Each time you shower, flush the toilet, or run water to brush your teeth, you _will _remember this moment. I promise you that… for over two decades, it's been my curse. Now I officially welcome you to it. Cheers!"

To emphasis his point, he gulped down a good portion of his water, which he had been carefully conserving before. He then slammed it down. Not hard enough to break, but enough to get everyone's attention.

"Esthar made us fucking lab rats… every meal we had a glass, every bottle they gave us after running drills… hell, even the cup of coffee we had in the morning."

"Oh my god… all of you." Rinoa put her hand over her mouth. Sirtis had been right - after this day, she may never look at a cup of coffee the same way ever again.

"That's not the half of it. Because we test subjects were isolated, it was easier to give it to us, but to distribute it to an entire city – that was an engineering challenge." He pointed to folder where Squall had placed the newspaper clipping. "They were planning a test run through backup water supply. They managed to synthesize a compound that would have gone through the filters completely undetected. Correction, as far as I know, it can manage to trick Esthar's main and backup filtration systems to this day. Tasteless, colorless, undetectable, and given the proper dosage, deadly. Of course, small dosages of the neurotoxin will still affect you – ask all of us lucky survivors, those two that are left. It didn't immediately take effect, but it's there waiting to strike in one form or another - brain damage, cancer, liver failure… well, you get the idea."

There was no military benefit for Adel poisoning her own city, or at least Squall had yet to think of one. From a tactical standpoint, it would have had more effect to use the compounds to cripple a rival city. It would have been nothing short of barbaric, to say the least, but at least there would be some twisted logic in it.

"Why the hell would Adel want to poison Esthar? It was her city."

"Assurance," Kiros stated simply. "People weren't citizens, they were property. As you said it yourself, it was _her_ city."

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Eighty: Future Imperfect** _

* * *

_ **  
** _

It hadn't taken long for the enormity of it all to sink in. This was more than an isolated incident a quarter of a century ago; this was something that reached into the deepest recesses of Esthar's government. Maybe everyone involved had moved on, maybe the idea had been completely abandoned, and maybe this was some huge smoke screen, but these 'maybes' were not the ones to leave up to chance.

Laguna had to sit, afraid that his legs would no longer support his weight. Rinoa had helped him down before returning to the seat next to him. She kept her arm around him, letting him know he was never alone in this. Even Squall felt bad for all the weight that had been thrown onto Laguna's shoulders. This would be a hard reality for anyone to wake up to.

For Laguna's sake, Squall hoped this was still some part of a complex web of lies – Sirtis had pointed that out like it was something Adel had made a priority. Because of that, the commander would not accept this so blindly. From his standpoint, killing an entire population seemed… drastic.

"This all sounds a little farfetched… Sometimes the truth isn't some complicated scheme, but it's the most obvious answer before your eyes. Given your history, there's a seemingly-high probability you're still playing us. What's better than killing one man? Taking down an entire governmental system by destabilizing it from within – that would be the ultimate revenge. You already managed to have the President questioning himself, his decisions, and the people he trusted."

"Whatever. It's your damn choice whether to believe me or not; I'm not going to hold your hand while you make it."

Kiros was still on the fence but, over the last few minutes, he was starting to lean towards Sirtis' story. By the same token, it would be disservice to everyone if he too followed blindly. However, unlike before, Kiros found he might get better results without the hostility.

"Mr. Sirtis, the commander has a legitimate argument – even you should see the validity of it. To be honest, I'm finding myself believing your version. My biggest question is - how did you manage to walk out of there?"

"And how is there radiation on the site if it was all chemicals you ingested?" the commander added.

"Well, as I stated clearly – _I am not a scientist._ Do you need me to write it down, say it slower, or maybe knock it into that cuckoo-shaped head of yours? I'd jump up and down and scream it, but I'm sure Bulldog'll just tackle me so I'll opt to keep at least one hand functional. How else would I be able to flip you off behind your back?"

Sirtis thought it was rather funny that he'd told this asshole exactly what he wanted to know and yet he still didn't believe him. It was especially ironic coming from this two-timing liar who only faked his own funeral so SeeD would have a damn horse in this race. Between the father and son, Sirtis would have never believed that not only was the old man smarter than the son, but much less insufferable – and that was saying a hell of a lot.

"Look, I can't give you all the answers but, rest assured, there are plenty of people on daddy's payroll who could. I can only tell you what I found about the project… what's true or not is up for debate, but that's your debate - not mine. The one thing all of us can agree on is that I'll be dead in a few months, and Adel deserves a thank-you note for engineering whatever's eating away at my body. You want proof? Just look at all the soldiers who have 'MIA' stamped on their files. Most of them are only 'missing' because of some synthesized neurotoxin.

"From what I understand, if regular venom is digested, the body processes like food. Meaning if you were fortunate enough not to have a rip in your stomach lining or something else internal like that, it usually bypasses the blood stream. So Esthar's oh-so-brilliant scientific assholes synthesized a product that_ wouldn't_ break down like normal venom. As for any radiation, they experimented with tons of different shit and I'd bet a shiny Gil that several of those pieces of shit were radioactive. When you don't give a fuck, it's easy to produce waste that'll be a biohazard well into the next millennium… And thanks to our 'honorable nation,' my friends are among that so-called waste."

"If it was that bad… how were you able to survive then?" Because it was Rinoa who asked, Sirtis appeared to be less hostile.

"I didn't survive - I just lived. There's a difference. At first, it was because some genius along the way realized if they killed all the soldiers - they would've killed _all the soldiers_. Hard to make a defensive stand when your defensive is all dead. So us 'lucky ones' had our special water and under strict orders to avoid the others. If we warned anyone… well, you know the dance by now…. That's right, you guessed it, they'd kill our families. Adel only had one move in her playbook: death. So, while we were exposed to the first rounds, it was in lower doses that would take time to catch up. In the end, it _always_ caught up."

Squall did not want to believe, but the more details he heard, the harder it became to deny. "If this so-called plan was in place, why wasn't it carried out when Laguna first took over?"

"That, I can't say. Maybe someone out there grew a conscience or maybe someone wanted to keep this ace up their sleeve. If there was one lesson Adel taught us loud and clear is that there's power in fear. Also, at the time, nobody had considered the possibility of her being sealed. The whole thing had been based around the city being taken so that threw a wrench into their plans. I'd become close to one of the scientists at the end. That's why I know as much as I do, but she…"

He hadn't let himself remember that for years and wished that memory had still been repressed. "…She was killed. Leave it at that. The only thing that matters is - if they had known that I had known…I wouldn't 'have known' much longer. I'd have been hunted into extinction way before now. Actually, I think they all thought we would all be dead in six months. Some ran, some changed names, but nobody stayed. The lower-level scientists… they were already exterminated. And as far as I know, the system is still under the city. You can go look, but if you get too close, well… spider, fly… you get the picture. Guess it's time to take a good long, hard look at everyone in your government. See who brings bottled water into your next meeting. Who knows, because of your little stunt with the press today… let's just say that I'd avoid drinking fountains."

Never in his life would Laguna thought he would have preferred zombies - that would have been far easier news to swallow. Now he had to wonder - could today's press conference really have made a far greater impact than luring in Sirtis? They had to know there would be nothing gained by following through with Katipo, but how far they would go to keep the secret?

It might have been callous, but right now, he couldn't even think about the five men Sirtis had confessed to killing; in the grand scheme of things, it seemed like a drop in the ocean. He hated himself for feeing that way, for prioritizing anything over the death of his friend or the four other men, but right now, it was hard to focus on anything else.

"I… I need to get out of here," he managed to say, albeit hoarsely.

Rinoa stood, reaching out her hand to him. It was easy to see how shaken he'd become and even if she couldn't do much, she could be a shoulder to lean on. He had been her pillar of strength at Squall's funeral - being there for him was the least could do. And in all honesty, she was more than ready for a break.

"Let's go grab some air… I think we could both use a change of scenery." The sorceress looked at him sympathetically, as she interlocked her arm within his. Neither could tell whose benefit it was truly for, having become a mutual crutch for one another.

Sirtis watched as Laguna had been the perfect gentleman, opening the door for his daughter-in-law, but as she walked through, he called to her.

"Hurry back, Lamb. Might not believe me, but you and I have unfinished business… there's something you need to know. You seem to care… and god knows someone without a fucking political agenda has got to. Then it'll be your time to decide if I'm just your run-of-the-mill killer or the monster you've painted me out to be. The call will be up to you but, my guess? You'll throw me a parade for killing the bastard."

There was no doubt that the timing was deliberate, waiting until the last second before she walked out before baiting her. Laguna glanced over; he could tell that she was fighting with herself. She wanted to make a clean break from here. Then again, in their line of work, no break was truly ever clean.

"Blalock?" the President whispered.

She nodded. There was no doubt that's who Sirtis was talking about. And goddamn him, he was right - she did care. Momentarily, she closed her eyes as she began to feel lightheaded, "I have to."

"I know." He gave her a heartrending smile. "You'll be fine. Squall won't let anything happen."

"I wouldn't make it through this without him."

"Me either," Laguna replied sadly.

Leaning over, she gave him a kiss on the cheek before stepping away from him. "Go on. Get some air, rest. You need to get out of here."

"I do," he sighed pensively, "And I will, but only when you do."

"You don't have to."

"I know, but I want to."

Rinoa knew that it would have been better for him to rest, but she also knew better than to argue with him. This time, he had been the one to reach over and offer his hand to her. As she accepted, she knew that she had to be honest. If there had been one life lesson reinforced over the past few weeks it was that, for both good or bad, nobody could predict the future.

Though they were out of earshot, she still lowered her voice. "I want you to know that I might not have made it through _this _situation without Squall, but I wouldn't have it made it through anything without you. I know what I'm about to say goes against protocol, but it's kinda my thing to be impulsive and have bad timing…. Laguna, I haven't said it enough but, you're an amazing person inside and out. You're a friend and even before last night, you were always family. No matter what happens, no matter what you need, I'll be there for you. I love you."

He wiped fresh tears, trying to keep his head down. "Damn it, you're making me cry." He let out a small laugh, but she could tell that he was doing everything to keep from completely breaking down. "Great, now Squall's going to wring both of our necks for being the worst two interrogators in the history of interrogators."

"Rinoa, we need to get this back underway." Squall's firm tone filled the room. "Please make a decision quickly."

Wiping away her own tears, she knew he was right. She just needed one more second to compose herself; this wasn't the break she wanted, but it was still one she needed. "Oh come on Laguna - this happy-joy love fest is right up his alley. Actually, I think that's pretty much the saying he has printed on his stationery."

Laguna laughed, which was good, because after she thought about, it sounded less like Squall's stationery and more like the title of Irvine's biography. That thought made her at least smile - and she definitely needed that - but she certainly wasn't going to say that to her father-in-law.

"Let's get back. This break's been just what I needed." He took a few steps before turning back to her, "And it also goes without saying, I'll always love and consider you family too."

Rinoa didn't say anything as they walked back, but she couldn't agree more - this was just the break she needed too and the walk back didn't seem as long with someone beside her.

Squall gave the pair a look as they retook their seats, feeling a bit of suspicion over the whole thing. He still wished that they'd decided against coming back. Professionally, they were a distraction as their emotions tended to draw Sirtis' attention. Personally, he wanted nothing more than to protect them. Then again, it had been his brilliant idea to throw Rinoa into the fire; he didn't have the right to say that he wanted her to leave to protect her now.

As he leafed through the file in his hand, Squall thought that perhaps they needed to rethink their approach. Instead of being overly confrontational, maybe attempting a slightly less ridged approach would be more suited to everyone. He already knew it was time to abandon the topic of the past - time had become their main nemesis, and it was important to get information about the present. Someone from the World Council could easily show up at any time now and it wouldn't bode well for them if they were discussing Katipo. Then again, maybe they would be distracted by the fact that Squall was alive - that in itself was quite the attention getter.

To keep this more civil, Squall decided to take a seat. Subconsciously, it traditionally showed a more level position with suspect; a ploy designed to falsely make them feel more at ease, but Squall doubted this would work on anybody familiar with the process. But that's not why Squall decided to sit, frankly, he was damned tired. Physically, he had been getting by but, once and a while, his body reminded him it had only been a couple weeks since surgery.

Since his father had taken the seat beside Rinoa and sitting next to Sirtis was simply out of the question, he decided to grab a chair and place it at the end of the table. Kiros was the only one who remained standing for security reasons.

Setting the file down, Squall decided to change things up again by appealing to his humanity. "We're running out of time and it won't be long before we have company. The simple fact is - I hate politicians. I understand the irony in that statement as most classify my position in that category, but I don't. You might not believe it, but I was just a soldier who got thrown into being commander. While I grew to find the military side intriguing, I truly hate the political side. So, I'm not going to give you some bullshit song and dance about right and wrong. I'm also going to say something about the assassinations that no decent politician would admit – I get it. Would I have done it? No. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it. Not so much now, but in the past, yes. Then again, sometimes when we're forced in a corner, well, we do things we don't expect."

"Nobody knows what they're capable of until they're staring death in the eyes."

"Agreed," Squall concurred, though quickly adding, "But I still don't like you."

"And I loathe you and all you stand for, we good?"

"We will be." He pulled out the same pictures that Lauren had placed in front of him earlier. They were crime scene photographs of the victims. "We're going to need enough information to keep the council distracted. I know all of us would like to keep some aspects of this case… in the past."

"So, you're trying to build a case solely around my latest… projects? You do have this twisted sense of irony, don't you? I mean, because I supposedly killed you and all."

Sirtis started to upset himself again when he thought about that. It just blew the commander's bullshit statement to hell about not being a politician - who the hell would go that far to set him up? But this wasn't about SeeD's deceit; it was about protecting the past.

Squall didn't respond, opting to grab a pen from his shirt's pocket and started writing the information down. "I'm guessing the reasons you 'hypothesized' earlier were the actual motives for choosing the first five victims?"

"Yes. But if you want an apology, you ain't getting jack shit."

"I'm not looking for one." Squall had not lied about understanding to some degree. "So, you chose those victims solely based on political views and the streets they lived on had nothing to do with it? As mentioned earlier, there seemed to be a correlation between their home addresses and types of trees."

Shaking his head in disgust, Sirtis answered the question. "Well, part of your theory holds water... but I just wouldn't drink it." He let out a small snort. "Couldn't resist."

With his good hand, Sirtis reached over to the photos and pointed to the mutilated corpse of Blalock. "But how does that work with your dear, Saint Conner Whatever-the-hell-he-called-himself? Fisherman's Horizon uses a numbered address system. That's fairly common knowledge, especially given that most of the town is located on one large-ass street."

He continued to flip through the pile until he reached the one of Squall's crime scene. "And what of you, Mr. World Savior or, shall I say, Savior Cuckoo? I don't believe your address works either."

Squall started to write, but his pen hovered just above the paper. "So, your official statement is going to be that it just happened to be the biggest coincidence in the universe?"

"Yeah, the planets aligned and all that shit…" When that didn't draw a response, Sirtis then asked, "So, you want the truth then?"

Squall refused to dignify that with an answer.

"Damn, you really are a prick. Lamb, you sure can pick 'em. Maybe you should get an annulment and see if you can score with either Bulldog or Ferret… although doing the dad would-"

The commander angrily cut him off. "Just answer the fucking question!"

Since sitting down, that had been the first time Squall had become openly irate and Rinoa had admittedly appreciated his timing greatly; that was a road she was glad Sirtis didn't have the chance to go down.

"Prick," he mumbled again before continuing, "The truth is that city planners are rarely original. You have a lot of space in that cuckoo head of yours, so try using it a little for thinking. If you compare the street names in a lot of cities, you'll find several of them are identical – as I said, being original isn't much of a priority anymore. One thing that's pretty universal is taking things from nature for road names – you know, you got your trees, flowers, plants, animals, lakes, rivers, and so on… After numbers, trees are actually the most common. There's also a growing trend to remind us what used to be there, you know, before us humans fucked it up. What I mean is, say you tore down an apple orchard and put up a mini-mall. What do you call it? Something uppity-sounding like, 'The Shoppes at the Orchard' on McIntosh Lane. So when the developers file for bankruptcy, the only thing you have is a decrepit parking lot and memories of the apples you picked as a kid."

"You worked there, I remember. It's why you later got a job in the nursery," Rinoa interjected, the eerie calmness in her voice causing everyone to look. "Your first job as a kid was helping families pick bushels of apples. You told me all about it at the funeral… I'd forgotten that. You also… you let me explain how I helped my mother as a kid."

It was as if Rinoa suddenly remembered that day a few weeks ago with absolute clarity. Her memories before had been hazy, skewed by both anger and sorrow. Now she could recall the feelings, the strange comfort she took from helping him. Closing her eyes, she let her mind travel back.

His voice had lost all traces of hostility, almost as if he had been sharing the memory. "All stories worth telling are long."

With those words, she opened her eyes, a sad smile marking her features. "That's exactly what you'd said, but you also mentioned something about regret… it was like you'd cut down too many trees and it was time to rebuild."

"You're right. I'd meant it more as a metaphor, but it was also the truth. And for the record, I stand by my words. I still think all stories worth telling are long… but I am sorry you had to hear mine. There was something I didn't say back then, but second chances, right? You said lightning destroyed a tree, the one you and your mother planted. Thing is, it will never be the same, but plant another one in its place. It's the future, without forgetting the past." He looked down to his now-swollen wrist. It hurt, but he had felt much worse. He also hated feeling this vulnerable and exposed; he refused to let it continue. He laughed. "Lamb, I also remember something else - you mentioned someone you'd lived with. Can't remember exactly, but it sounded like a guy's name and I thought it was your husband. Funny thing was, turned out to be a dog, a girl at that. Though, gotta confess, think a dog sounds like massive improvement over your current spouse. Might want to keep your options open… and I know there's a joke in there about a 'bone.' I'll let you figure it out."

Sirtis' resentment couldn't just go away that easily. In fact, if he had known how deplorable the man was at the time, he certainly wouldn't have planted a tree in the bastard's honor.

Rinoa found it best to let the jab slide; she was going to try her damndest to keep the civility going. She had been interacting with him as if he was the only other person in the room and it seemed to have been working. "You really care about trees, about all of nature. The way you talked about it seemed to bring you peace."

He had told her how he forgot to mention something that day, but now there was something she needed to say. In order to heal, she had to confess. She learned this from Squall – he learned it with time.

"Duncan Sirtis, you helped me that day. Without both you and Laguna, I don't know how I would have made it through. I wish I didn't know the truth. I wish that one moment had never become jaded – that moment when a complete stranger listened. That night, I had convinced myself that you had been sent by my mother, that she had been watching out for me. Seems silly and ridiculous now, but it had gotten me through. But you weren't there to help, or because of my mother - you were there because you shot Squall. You shot him. You thought you killed him. You only wanted to see the pain you caused."

She took a ragged breath, looking down to her wedding band. "And that…_ that_ I can't forgive you for."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes."

"Then, Rinoa, I'm truly sorry."

It had taken everyone aback to hear him call her by name. Even Squall had found himself entranced by their exchange. He had wondered about their exchange, but she had remembered very little. A part of her had tried to forget, but memories could be easily triggered by certain words or phrases. In her case, recalling those memories had been for the better. Although that too would be impossible to see right now, she would need time to feel the cathartic effect.

She was crying, but he knew that she was trying to mask that fact. Under the table, he placed his left hand on her leg. He wasn't surprised when she showed no reaction. This went against his instincts as a SeeD, but he needed to do it, for the both of them. Laguna had also been there, outwardly supporting her as a father would a child. Again, Squall never thought Laguna's Laguna-ness would be a good thing, but once more, his father had surprised him.

Picking up his pen, Squall hoped to wrap this up as they were all in need for some air. "…So the streets, yes or no? Did they play a part?"

"Yes." That was the first time any of them could recall Sirtis giving a direct answer. "It wasn't going to be, but turned out they made it so damn easy. Remember the apple orchard? Turns out it works just as well with ritzy-ass neighborhoods. I like to think of rich people as the giant lemmings of our world - their follow-the-leader mentality makes them easier to take down. Turns out the better the address, the more likely the name refers back to nature. Of course, this is just a working theory, yet seeing as I had a damn good selection of candidates, I'd say I'm on to something."

He stopped, tossing a devilish grin towards the SeeD commander. "So yes, the addresses had something to do with the politicians - went as far as skipping a few because their cities didn't meet my… _criteria_. I mean, look at Balamb - their streets are named after fish. A little crazy, but unique as hell too. Skipped right over a guy because of that but I had bigger fish to fry… so to speak."

It appeared as if Sirtis' sense of decorum had taken an ugly turn once again. One didn't have to be a genius to know that was a reference to Fisherman's Horizon. Nevertheless, two major loose ends remained as far as Sirtis went. There still hadn't been a rational explanation for killing Blalock, although the words 'rational' and cold-blooded murderer certainly were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Still, in Sirtis' mind, there had to be a connection, no matter how abstract.

…And then, of course, there was his 'death.'

It was obvious that Sirtis had resented him, even more so than his father. Logically speaking, the animosity should have been directed at the President of Esthar, but it hadn't been. There had been a few potshots here and there, but Sirtis seemed to be throwing those around to everybody. What was even more unusual was that it seemed as though his anger had been growing rather than already-established. Squall believed that Sirtis' calm reaction to him walking in had been nothing more than a ruse but, the more his failure seemed to sink in, the more resentful he grew. As Irvine pointed out once, a sharpshooter's pride often is tied into their abilities and right now, Sirtis' had been wounded. The theory fit, but it was still a work in progress.

Just like everyone else, he wanted to get a definitive answer but, as he pointed out to Lauren, it was important to treat the crimes equally. Squall placed the photographs of the first five victims back into the folder so only two remained now. He moved the picture of Blalock squarely in front of Sirtis. He saw Rinoa outwardly flinch at the gruesome photo before she looked away. She couldn't stomach the brutality and he truly hoped that it would be something about her that would never change. No one should become desensitized to the sheer depravity of some men; he unfortunately had a long time ago.

"What about him? What crime did Conner Blalock commit that caused him to die… and so brutally? For someone who thinks they're exterminating evil from the world, you seemed to have picked the wrong victim."

"And for someone who is dead, you ask a lot of questions."

"Don't even try."

"And what I'm saying is that appearances are deceiving. No matter how much we try, those we called a _friend _can still be hiding something. The closer you are to the fire, the more you become mesmerized by the flame. Then when you get burned… it hurts like hell." He took the picture, turning it upside down. Nodding towards Rinoa, he then turned back to Squall. "Don't flip it back. It's not going to affect me, but someone around here has to take Lamb's feelings into account… And don't you fucking dare call him Blalock anymore, call him Trinneer. Remember, his family has to spend the rest of their lives with that last name. And that 'legacy' he's leaving them is nothing but tainted."

Rinoa felt that this is where she could step in, that maybe her connection to the family might help. There was an underlying sense that Sirtis' resolve was about to break, even his jibes seemed to be half-hearted at best. Before when they talked about Trinneer, Sirtis had let his anger slip through, but now the anger had broken, fading into sorrow and maybe even into guilt.

These were hard memories to share, but she needed to build trust. In deception, maybe they would find more common ground.

"I know what it's like… to be betrayed." Rinoa found herself fighting for the courage to continue. She had talked very little about this and never in front of so many people. "By someone who you thought was your friend, maybe your best friend, or even by someone you thought you loved. I know that feeling, that pain and I know it more than once."

She couldn't look at anybody, not even her husband. She wouldn't give specifics about him, but there was something in the past she could use, something that still haunted her nightmares. "No, it's not exactly the same, nobody's pain is ever the same, but I've spent years asking if I could have done things differently. Did I not see the signs? Where there any? ... I even had an ex-boyfriend who hurt me. Not only did he do that, he tried to sacrifice me to Adel. I don't mean that figuratively - I'm being as literal as you can get. You never get over that betrayal, I know. To know my life meant so little to him…"

It took all she could do not to cry, because wasting tears over Seifer wasn't worth it. Maybe he had changed, maybe Squall was right, but a little part of her trust died that day, a part that she would never get back.

"But I learned from it and it made me stronger. I lost a little faith in people that day. And now it's harder for me to trust and even after that, I was hurt again. But each time it happened to me, it made me stronger."

"All you know is that your taste in men really, really leaves a lot to be desired. I don't say this lightly, or to satisfy my own fantasy, but maybe you should switch teams. You may want to think of striking up a conversation with Poodle or something. I have a feeling that while she'd be a huge pain in the ass, at least she won't stab you in it."

Rinoa took a deep breath, on the verge of walking out. If it hadn't been for Blalock's family, she just would have. He was so damn infuriating. On the same token though, she also knew that some of the blame was on her - she had freely offered up extra ammunition in regards to her love life, damn well knowing a leopard doesn't change their spots. The minute she mentioned an ex, the snide comments should have been all but expected. The one thing she hadn't expected however, was for Laguna to step up.

"You could show a little respect - she was being serious. It's not like being betrayed by someone you truly cared for is easy to talk about. I was there and it wasn't something to be brushed off - she almost died. I get that you don't like my son, you've made that perfectly clear, but I'd ask you to have respect for her. Out of all of us, she's the only one who talked to Blalock's girls and knowing they don't have a father because of you obviously bothers her."

Squall was impressed. He hadn't expected Laguna to do that, but he was glad he did. Coming from the commander himself, any comment would have seemed antagonistic. He hated the fact that he had to tread so carefully, at least for the moment, but the key to success was paying attention and all in the timing. And right now, his best bet was to be seen and not heard.

"You're fooling yourself, Lamb. You will be hurt again by someone you care about. It happens - it's called life." Sirtis glanced between her and Laguna. "It's never the same. Sure, even I doubt someone will be using you as chum for a sorceress, but it will be something. You think you're prepared but you're not - it's only human to deny what's right in front of us. Sure, you want to protect yourself from pain, but when it happens again, you're mad, you're pissed, and you feel like you could kill somebody. As for Trinneer, I won't apologize for ripping him apart. He deserved to die. Not now, but two decades ago. If I had known… if I had even thought… but maybe I did. Maybe I just couldn't see it… I was too close… enthralled in the flame."

Drawn in by curiosity, she again found herself empathizing with this man and that bothered her. She had seen the pictures; no man – no matter how monstrous – deserved that fate.

She would make one final plea. "His family wants answers, I promised."

"Lamb, _never_ promise. Promises should be saved for a black and white world, ours is clouded in gray. I'll give you the truth, but I bet you'll never repeat it - _that _truth will become your burden. I'm even willing to look you in the eyes and tell you – you will never say the truth. And you know what? I want you to lie."

For all his many faults, Sirtis had a way of getting into your mind. Laguna was reminded of his own regrets. No matter what the past held, he had always believed that a new start was possible; he had to believe it.

"What could be so horrible? We're all are capable of mistakes… there are always things we all wish we could do over. Everyone deserves a second chance - it's what they make of it that shows their character. He started a new life and if-"

Sirtis cut him off sharply. "-Stop. Just stop. I'm not going to sit here and let you make a bigger ass of yourself. Like I told Lamb, the truth will be another burden for each of you to bear."

Bowing his head, Sirtis knew there was no going back. "… Conner Trinneer and I had similar military backgrounds. We joined around the same time and were both brought into the Salt Lake base. It didn't take long before we became friends - I told him just about everything. As things went down and people got sick, I started to think there might've been an inside man. You know, someone to switch out water bottles, add whatever, and basically be a spy. So, I told my suspicions to him. Stupid mistake."

"Trinneer… he knew?"

"Down to every last drop of water. Here I was, telling him all about my suspicions… I was a damn fool. The one friend I didn't have to kill back then was the only one I should've. Of course, I didn't find this out until the night at FH. Also learned he was the one who slit the scientists' throats - it was all about some misguided chance at glory. The few of us 'lucky ones' only lived because they wanted to study the long-term effects. But if for one second he thought I knew about the distribution plans, I'd have been dead. Guess I didn't tell him _everything._"

"So, you killed him because he was a traitor against Esthar, secretly working with the government?" The concept was not unheard of to Squall, but it definitely was a longshot.

Sirtis openly laughed at the commander's ignorance. "How the hell are you are a traitor against the government when you're the one working for them? A traitor against his friends and morality _yes_, but he followed his oaths to a damn 'T.' He was the perfect choice – the man truly had no conscience. Even if I think it's a shit reason to pull this, he did his job and I can't fault him for that."

"Then why kill him decades later if he was just _'doing his job?'_"

"Again, putting words in my mouth, cuckoo? When it's your turn to talk, I'll let you know… But until then, find something useful to do. In fact, don't you have a clock to pop out of soon? Now there's a thought scary as hell… seeing your face at the top of every hour."

"Please." Laguna was not above pleading. "I think it's gotten to you, whatever he did. In my gut, I honestly think you care. So, can we just call a truce between you and Squall for the sake of everyone?"

He gave Squall a poignant look. "Fine, but keep your son from squawking."

The commander clenched his jaw, in order to keep himself from commenting. Thankfully, that was enough for Sirtis to continue.

"Anyways, when the media figured out everything was connected, I knew the gig would be up. I hadn't seen Conner in years. It was supposed to be simple - I just wanted to say goodbye to my old life, to an old friend. What happened… wasn't planned. Yes, I did have my handgun on me, but carrying one for protection had become habit. Revolvers were never my specialty, so I only had the one I used on Koenig. I never thought I'd actually be using it… I wouldn't have wanted to; I never wanted to be connected to Trinneer – not for me, but for his family. The connection would have drawn too many questions. That's why I tried to retrieve the bullet, so the ballistics wouldn't match but, as you saw, the picture shows my failed… _attempt_."

He looked to Rinoa, not wanting give the graphic play-by-play. "I'm getting ahead of myself. Until that night, I didn't know anything about Conner's involvement. Like I said, I went to see him to say goodbye because nobody understands the hell you went through like the guy right next to you in the foxhole. I don't know why, but I told him what I did… I thought he'd say something like, _'__I understand you can't live with the guilt of the past anymore.'_ Anything… anything but what he did. He laughed…"

Without warning, he took the ice bag from his wrist, violently throwing it across the room. Everyone had already been on edge and his actions didn't help. Kiros debated whether to move closer, but felt it was better to let this play out. Sirtis wasn't lashing out at them; he was lashing out at a ghost.

"…He laughed. He fucking laughed and said he didn't think I had it in me. Told me he was proud and that we had a lot more in common than I knew. And just so you know, we had _nothing_ in common. I killed people to stop history from repeating, whereas he wanted to kill people to repeat history. He then went on to tell me the truth, how he was involved. I listened… because I had to know. Then when the words came out of his mouth, I knew – I knew that the nightmare would never end… he asked if extra money would make me feel better."

"Money? Who's he working for?" Laguna asked, immediately regretting it. Sirtis was most likely going to snap at him as he did with Squall. But for some reason, the man appeared sympathetic to the President.

"That's a question you're going to answer. Hell, I don't even know if he knew names… maybe I should have been a little more patient, and not so trigger-happy, but I'll fully admit this was the one time I lost it."

Sirtis' answer didn't ease the President's mind; it would take a near-miracle for his mind to ever be at ease again.

"I played along but it had nothing to do about money – it was because I had to know. Maybe if I had just turned around, he'd still be alive... and then Lamb wouldn't have to lie. He started taking me to some docks and I honestly couldn't get him to shut up about the past - it was like he wanted to gloat. Said that he made sure that I was given as little as possible when he could, even considered himself my guardian angel. He then told me how his input helped which people were 'lucky' and which ones weren't. Then he said it, the words that made me snap… I stand by the fact that I never went with intentions to kill him. Looking me in the eyes, he smiled and said, _'I'm more than an angel, I'm a god.'_ After that, he went on about that fact, that he could create life and he could take it away… I didn't understand."

Squall and Kiros shared a look; they both had an idea where this was headed. Fortunately Laguna and Rinoa didn't think like them and Squall believed that was a blessing. They still thought the best in people. Maybe neither of them were as optimistic as they'd been in the past, life had a way of changing that, but both generally tried to believe the best in humanity.

"He took me to some place to show me something... but we were headed into an open area. Right then, we still were fairly hidden. So, I played along, appealing to his ego, told him I was impressed and so forth, but I needed to know right then… Turns out, he never stopped the experiments. Someone was funding him to try lower doses to see what would happen with prolonged exposure, to see if it was possible to build an immunity or some other fucking bullshit. Finally, I asked the question I already knew, but wanted to hear the words from him before I pulled the trigger…"

"…Test subjects," Rinoa whispered, closing her eyes. In that minute she knew. But what bothered her the most, deep down inside, she was silently cheering Sirtis on; she wanted him to pull that trigger.

Sirtis laughed, but it was nothing like before. It was a man desperately trying to regain his sanity.

"Who knows what Esthar brainwashed him with, _if anything_… Trinneer was sick and believed his own delusions – he was a god. He could create life and he could take it away. He didn't have children, he had lab rats… Hell, maybe even that family dog, was just a rat. You need to test them all, including his wife. And when I pulled the trigger, I didn't give a damn about being caught. But then it dawned on me – for his family's sake, there couldn't be a connection. I needed that bullet back but… someone was coming. Still, the moment my knife first carved through his skin, I smiled. I don't give a fuck what you think, judge me all you want. The only consolation I have is that he was a clueless asshole who couldn't handle chemicals worth shit. Karma. He'd been exposed to the secondary effects and was losing motor function… that's why he needed my help – to be his extra set of hands. So, I helped. Of course, I wanted to slice him into a thousand pieces, so the result wasn't quite the art I hoped. But I'm an artist and still stand by my work."

The reach of evil had no bounds. She couldn't speak, but she'd heard enough to know that she had to leave. On fumes, she barely managed to stand without collapsing and mumbled incoherently.

"…I can't be here."

Squall reached out and touched her arm, but there was no reaction. Laguna had started to stand, but she stopped him. She couldn't explain the overpowering need for solitude, but she needed to be alone. It was hard for Laguna to stay back, but he understood. Sirtis had been right; the truth was now their burden to bear.

Reaching for the door, she wasn't too surprised when Sirtis called out. There was a pause as she debated on whether to acknowledge him. It was a gamble; he may just want to add one last insult in regards to her choice of men. So help him, she wasn't in the mood and he'd be lucky if he didn't end up with a Firaga spell hurling in his direction. Still, she needed to know, but would not give him the satisfaction of turning around.

"Lamb, tell the family it was me poisoning them. I'll sign whatever you need to make it official. Say I was often in FH on business and that's how I contaminated their water supply. Those girls should never know it was their father - that they were bred to be test subjects. They'll believe it, because they'll want to believe it."

And, in that instant, Rinoa knew that Sirtis had been right from the start - she would lie.

When the door finally closed, Laguna looked back to the observation room. "I need to… not just for her… I just really could use that air I didn't get earlier."

Squall nodded, indicating for him to go. He knew it wasn't only for Rinoa's sake, although that was a large part of it, but also because Laguna really did need that air.

After Laguna excused himself, Kiros and Squall found themselves alone with Sirtis. The aide relaxed from his more rigid stance - only because both of men could easily defend themselves.

Moving so that he was next to Squall, Kiros was appalled that Sirtis found a way to control the situation again. "I don't know what to make of what you're asking of us. We already have our concerns about keeping Katipo quiet, but now you think we're going to help you cover up another lie?"

"We're going to do it," Squall stated firmly.

"Commander, you're playing his game again and there are still way too many unknown variables. We don't even have a plausible reason for Sirtis wanting revenge."

"Love," Squall stated looking at Sirtis. "It's a strong emotion that can evoke strong reactions. The scientist you mentioned… you were in love with her, weren't you?"

Sirtis smirked, but offered nothing further.

"Then the story is plausible - you lost her to Trinneer and never got over it. And now that you're facing your mortality, you had to carry it to its inevitable conclusion. It might sound like a long shot to us but, with your mental state, nobody is going to spend that much time questioning. The truth is that the world doesn't care about a single man in FH, all eyes are on the politicians. Killing someone over jealousy is far from unheard of, waiting a few decades… that's the main hurdle."

"Her name was Kate. Just so you know – so _someone _knows. Like I said, people will believe it because they want to. They're lemmings; you just need that first one in line to believe and the rest follow. Who is alive to refute the facts anyhow? I sure as hell won't give details. My reasons are my own and they always have been. But I'll admit to the killing and the poisoning and that is all people care about – the fucking bottom line. The truth just makes things messy."

Kiros looked over to Squall. "You think it'll work?"

"I do. Just leave it vague."

A sudden knock on the window caught them all off guard.

"Take it your little council friends have come over for a play date?" Sirtis snidely replied.

"It means they're in the building. So we need to stay… on topic." It was understood, there would be no more diversions into the past.

* * *

It wasn't only those in with Sirtis who had felt the chilling affects of his words. Lauren, Zell, and Ward had listened to every horrendous detail, yet nobody had spoken. They had all gone through worse, all veterans of battle, but there was something so unspeakable about this.

It wasn't an act of war; it was an abomination to all mankind.

The three hadn't changed positions much. Lauren still stood vigil by the two-way glass, Ward was still resting against the back wall, and Zell remained at the table, watching in complete awe. These truths, these events, these feelings - they felt like something being relayed to fictional characters and not his friends but, the minute Rinoa started to leave, it snapped him back into real life.

Getting up, he hurried to the door to meet her. He knew what she was trying to do by keeping up this pretense, there was no question it was an act. And, by the time she walked into the room, she'd given up that illusion too. So much for being alone – as soon as Zell wrapped his arms around her, Rinoa remembered exactly why she needed her friends. She hadn't even noticed when Laguna had walked into the room, but she noticed when both men walked with her to the table. Like a gentleman, Zell pulled out her chair before taking the seat next to her.

Still a virtual ghost, she leaned on his shoulder. He immediately placed an arm around her as they shared the silence. There were words being said in the other room, but it was nothing more than white noise to them.

Laguna awkwardly tried to split his attention between Rinoa and the window; he wanted to know what his son and Kiros were saying, but he also worried about her. Still, when he noticed that her face seemed devoid of all emotion, he made up his mind and turned his back on Sirtis. Placing his hands in his pants' pockets, he awkwardly tried to think of something to get the ball rolling… That probably wasn't the best metaphor for him - seeing how rolling 'boulder-sized balls' didn't go so smoothly on the Lunatic Pandora. Then again, who leaves random levers and buttons attached to explosives just casually sitting around anyhow? Logic dictates that _someone_ is bound to touch them.

Taking a few steps towards her, he put on his best smile. "I know what always cheers you up, how 'bout I hunt down some dark-roasted coffee? It's an Estharian specialty from outside the Grandidi Forest." Rinoa looked at him her mouth slightly agape and Zell's eyes opened in shock as he made the gesture to 'cut it out' with his hand.

Laguna laughed nervously as he shifted his weight between feet. "Oh yeah, riiigght… how about a canned soda? It's Galbadian, you know meaning as imported from Galbadia, the continent…um, if that makes a difference."

She knew he was doing his best to help. He had far more to worry about than her. Even if she wasn't thirsty, she didn't want to appear ungrateful.

"Thank you." Her answer was polite, if not slightly forced.

Laguna was glad to help, even in this small way. "Great, I'll go grab you something… to drink that is."

He had started to the main door, but was stopped before he could leave. Ward signed that he should go as Laguna didn't need to be roaming the halls. The aide believed the President's place was here. Like Rinoa, Laguna knew it was polite to accept the offer.

As for Lauren, she had remained indifferent to what was going on around her, trying to hear them hammer out the details inside. If anything, the outside distraction was getting aggravating. Training had taught her how to distance herself and she was doing just that. No matter how much anything she heard surprised or horrified her, her demeanor remained neutral.

Several minutes later, Lauren was thankful that everyone on her side of the glass had settled down. She was just grateful that the President hadn't gone off on another wild tangent or, for that matter, Rinoa or Zell. All three of them equally shared the ability to be quite maddening. Squall definitely had the strange misfortune to be a lightning rod to a certain type of person; she often wondered how Quistis had put up with it for so long.

Ward finally returned with drinks in hand. Deciding to be proactive, he thought it best to bring a small bucket filled with a variety of soft drinks. When he set them down it was only Zell who glanced at them, but stayed in place for Rinoa's sake. It wasn't necessarily about wanting a drink, but when he was nervous he liked to have something in his hands. It was one of those little quirks that Alex pointed out one day Irvine was – _being Irvine_. She said that holding something kept Zell 'from making fists' which could have been a very bad thing. So, from about that day forward, whenever Irvine was around, Alex would always give something to occupy her boyfriend's hand - a book, a drink, her hand or, on one unfortunate incident, her purse. She always said it was better to be safe than sorry, although Zell highly suspected that after a while she just liked having her stuff carried around.

Ward had changed positions; he now stood on the side wall next to a dry erase board. Laguna had somehow managed to commandeer his old spot. The President decided that Rinoa was in good hands and he truthfully needed to lean against something. Today wasn't helping his blood pressure. After the last few weeks, he didn't think it was possible to add to the stress – he was wrong. But he still carried the memories of last night and no matter what lows were ahead, nobody could take away that high.

As for Rinoa, she still hadn't moved. Her mind had drifted a million miles away… or rather half an ocean away. Her mind was asking questions about Blalock's family. What would they do? How contaminated were they? The one question she didn't ask - how would she find the words to tell them? She wouldn't; it wasn't her place. There were some things she would have to bow out of, even if not gracefully, and that wasn't her battle to fight.

To various degrees, they had all been listening through the speakers. Sirtis was being his usually _charming _self and making it difficult to get a straight answer out of him. They were down to only one loose end that needed to be tied. Thankfully, it looked like that mystery was about to be solved. They just didn't know it yet.

Squall stood intently in front of Sirtis as he loomed over the man. _"So, now that you're being more talkative, still an arrogant bastard, but at least a talkative bastard-"_

To everyone's surprise, Kiros interrupted. It was quite obvious to him that these two men still had their peacock complex. _"What my colleague is getting at – is that you never gave us a reason why you tried to kill Commander Leonhart."_

Rinoa's head snapped up. It was the one piece they were missing. Even Laguna found himself walking up to the glass window.

"_Not this fucking shit again,"_ Sirtis responded bitterly. _"I thought we'd become friends. It seems you just won't give up the damn lie… So fine, I'll bite."_

It was the first time in awhile that not only his words, but his demeanor had become defensive. Whatever trust they had built up, seemed to crumble quickly. _"I'm sure there are a thousand reasons to want him dead, problem is – none of them are mine. I can make up some shit if that makes you feel better – maybe it's because his fashion's as questionable as his taste in bed companions? Maybe it's because he laid an egg in the wrong chick's nest and the hubby birdie found out? Or, you know, maybe because he's just a general all-around pompous-as-ass prick?"_

Kiros calmly continued, "_So, you admit that you don't have as specific reason? That implies someone else hired you to kill him. You want us to believe after all your 'upstanding morals' that you're no more than a gun for hire?"_

"_What is it with you damn people and putting words into my mouth?"_

Squall stood strangely upright as if he had fallen into military attention. Those that knew the commander could see the wheels turning as he listened to Sirtis.

"_Bulldog, I'm saying that I'm sure there are people who wanted him dead, I just wasn't one of 'em. That doesn't mean I was hired, it simply means I didn't fucking do it. I can bark that to you if words are too hard. I… didn't… do… it… woof, woof."_

Back in the observation area, Zell excused himself from Rinoa. His eyes never left Sirtis as he walked directly between where Laguna and Lauren had been standing.

"Can you believe this bullshit?" Lauren asked. "So much for playing the martyr."

"I-I don't know," the martial artist stammered.

"What are you saying?"

"I dunno… it's something I can't explain. His body language, his comment earlier about wanting Squall dead and standing here now, and even the fact he copped to everything else. No trained marksmen would've taken a shot he couldn't make. It's a pride thing according to Irvine. One shot one kill – it doesn't gel with hitting me and then hitting Squall."

"Nobody has a perfect record. Ever," she shot back in disgust.

Zell swallowed nervously. A small part of him equated the comment to the commander's record, but this wasn't about Squall's mistakes. This was about the mistakes Sirtis made – or rather _didn't_ make. He quickly crossed the floor over to the dry erase board on the side wall. Grabbing a black marker, he drew five circles on an even line and then one both above and below.

As he was drawing, he started to explain. "I watched his reaction when Squall walked in. Lauren, I think even you and Squall had a more emotional meeting, which is saying something. I kinda had some time recently to learn when people are telling the truth… being stuck in a van with no radio apparently has come in handy. Maybe fate put those tapes in there."

Lauren was becoming even more annoyed with Zell. "You're right. It was probably 'fate' and not Cid because serendipity makes a much better story, right? Like you said it's a pride thing, Sirtis won't admit defeat. So, he's refusing to acknowledge his error. He'd rather say that he didn't do it than have that black mark on his sniper record. People lie – that's _also_ a pride thing."

Zell believed it was _also_ a pride thing to have someone else figure it out before her, especially him. He was quite aware of the brick wall he was up against. He didn't care if she constantly dismissed his idea; he just needed someone else to see it. He wasn't about to give up.

"No, I really don't think that's it. You know… also if it was Cid who put those tapes in there, he must've thought they were useful somewhere along the road – and maybe we've just traveled down that particular road. But, I'm serious… Sirtis was seriously less surprised to see Squall than you – think about that. There was nothing about his body language that suggested he cared either way. Then there was that comment he made to Rinoa - about being glad for her sake – it almost seemed… genuine, maybe?"

"Zell's right. It's not about being perfect, it's about being smart – Sirtis is," Laguna said his body numb. "Why would someone willingly admit to six murders, not seven?"

Turning back to the board, Zell grabbed a blue pen. "We have a pattern and can connect all five of these murders. So… say these are the five politician guys." He then drew a line through the five circles he'd drawn in a row.

"Those fit. Sirtis admitted to them, so we cross them out. Next, we have the one circle above and the one below – these are the two 'killings' that that never made sense. First, we go to Blalock or Trinneer, or whoever the hell he really was… Let's just call him 'evil guy who died in FH' for now."

Taking his pen, he drew a line that connected the circle at the bottom to the main line. "This broke pattern because it was spontaneous, in the heat of the moment. So we can explain the death of 'evil guy' that way."

Making a large 'X' through that circle, he changed to a red pen and made several bigger circles around the top circle to highlight it.

"Then we have Squall – our top circle. We never could find a definite reason and, most importantly, Sirtis can't give us one. As Laguna said, why admit to six and not seven? And not only is Squall alive, but I was shot first. Sirtis _always_ made sure that nobody else was hurt. The guy is a grade-A asshole, but he seems to have some kind of code. Maybe it's an honor among thieves sort of thing, but it is _something._ Again, minus shooting evil FH guy… Tell me that the same person who planned things that methodically would risk shooting into a crowd of people?"

Lauren still tried to be the voice of reason, although she was starting to have her own doubts. "Squall Leonhart is a world savior – facing SeeD head on is a far worse fate than anything individual countries or the World Council would throw at him."

Zell corrected her. "No. Facing a slow, painful death because of something he had no choice in doing is a worse fate. In his case, death would have been the easy way out."

Laguna turned to look back at his son. "You don't try to make peace with all you've done in this world only to lie about one thing. Sirtis is afraid of what_ has_ happened not what's going to happen."

Rinoa finally spoke, her words eerily without emotion. "We all have secrets; we all have reasons to lie. But he's a man who's lost everything."

"Exactly. There's nothing left to lose." Zell shook his head, placing a big 'X' through the remaining circle. "Squall never fit the pattern, because _he was never part of it_."

"…Just close enough. Someone wanted us to think he was," Lauren said knowing this couldn't possibly be a coincidence. "I've got to get him out of there."

"Yeah, you do." Zell tossed the marker down and headed back to Rinoa. She was going to need support more now than ever. The selfish part of him couldn't help but think he was going to need it to - just when he thought he was going to get on with his life, he felt more trapped than ever.

Sirtis agreed. "Exactly. She lived always looking over her shoulder. If someone took her power and managed to take the city – she was determined to destroy it from within. It was hers or nobody's. Like Bulldog said, people were insects and she'd be damned if she would let anyone else have them."

Laguna felt his legs weaken as he fumbled into the chair next to Rinoa. "How, what, why? I don't… I just don't! Who? Why?"

Sirtis looked at the President blankly. He wasn't in the mood to deal with this buffoon. It didn't matter that his glass was almost empty, his intent would still be clear. Picking the water up, he offered it to Laguna, sarcastically adding, "Here, have a drink on me. In fact, we'll get you a full pitcher. I'm sure it's fine. _Really_."


	31. Time-Squared and Return to Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story notes: The execution of the subplot came from an idea on the show Numb3rs. I always wanted to do a copycat, but needed to work it into the plot. The way Zell explained was similar how I remembered, but again… it was an episode I saw once back in 2005 (Ancient, right?), given my memory, I'm sure I ended up putting my own spin on it.
> 
> Also, please know your feedback is important, especially plot related questions/concerns. I actually get incredibly nervous the closer I get to completing a story - it was the same with Crimson. I don't know why but, as far writing goes, I rather just freak out, so any support honestly helps greatly. I do know how I tend to write, descriptive and often long. I doubt that will change as that's what I've become comfortable with; I understand that some like it, while others do not. Then again, you're on chapter eighty-one, so I'm sure this is something many of you have figured out. Just a note on that subject - I have tried to change but, it doesn't feel right to me, and I end up second guessing and lose any flow I have going. However, it's partially because of the length that I'll try to edit down when it's complete; for now, the style will not be changing through the remaining seven chapters.

 

 

   
  
 

 

* * *

 Chapter Eighty-One: Time-Squared

* * *

Laguna wasn't going to fall apart. He had more reasons than ever to be the leader that was needed here. He wanted to think his newfound strength was for his country, and part of it was, but most importantly, he was going to be there for his family. They needed him as much as he needed them.

"The press will be arriving soon. It's important we keep Squall from being exposed until we can piece this together for certain." Laguna gestured up towards the security cameras. "I know they're on a closed circuit but, even with the audio disconnected, if someone happens to look at the picture... Well, let's just say it's a chance I'm not willing to take."

He turned around so he could look into the interrogation room. There was only so much he could do to protect his son; the rest lied in the hands of the others… and a killer. He placed the palm of his hand up to the glass, leaning forward as he looked inside.

"What about Sirtis? He knows the truth about Squall. That can't be good."

"He won't say anything." Rinoa stated with quiet conviction.

"He's not exactly the morally-upstanding citizen likely to help us." Lauren still harbored many doubts and she certainly wasn't going to take some naïve approach in a situation like this – and having 'faith' in a serial killer seemed as naïve as one could get.

Rinoa had to trust her gut. "There's common ground. He just won't."

Again, without reason, Zell found himself siding with Rinoa. Maybe it was because they were the only two who could draw parallels that no one else could see and, fates willing, would never be able to see.

"I kinda get where Rin's coming from. I bet a lot of Sirtis' hostility came about 'cause he thought he was being set up. Maybe it's one those things where both sides thought the other was pulling something. That might sorta, kinda explain some of his earlier comments… You know, about _us_ being the ones playing the game. He could've been mad thinking Squall set him up for a murder that he didn't commit and, on top of that, one that never actually happened. Gotta admit it - I'd be rather pissed. Then again, he did kill five people – the whole, _'being pissed'_ part is sorta lost in the grander scheme. Although that does explain why he showed at the funeral - he's the type to show just to see what Garden's next move would be. Thinking Squall was behind it explains the confrontational attitude."

Lauren didn't respond, not knowing what to believe anymore. Even still, it would be best to err on the side of caution and get Squall out of there. If it was true, they had already wasted enough time on speculation.

* * *

Back inside the interrogation area, Squall and Kiros had attempted to poke holes in Sirtis' story. No matter how many times they tried to trip him up, it simple didn't happen and, quite frankly, the commander had a good inclination that it never would.

The men's collective attention shifted when the door opened again. Lauren walked in, with nothing less than her all-business demeanor.

"Commander, something's come up that requires your immediate attention. I'll be glad to assist Mr. Seagill from here."

"Oh my dear Poodle, don't be so coy, you know you missed me – hard to get just doesn't become you. And sorry about the implants remark, that was just wishful thinking on all of our parts, or at least mine. It's easy to tell from here that you're all natural but remember - there can never be too much of good thing." He winked at her with an outright brazen grin, but she didn't even give him the satisfaction of flinching.

Squall clenched his jaw. He wanted to stay and be in here, but he also knew that the ball was no longer in his court. They still had to play by someone else's rules.

"Understood."

Looking down at Sirtis, he attempted one last read on the man. He thought all their work had led to this final reveal but, just like that, they might find themselves back at square one.

"Commander Cuckoo, It's been a… _pleasure_," Sirtis sneered. "Give Lamb my love and tell her that if she ever decides she wants a real man - my nest is always open."

Squall took a few steps, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging his pompous shit. Still, he couldn't leave - not yet. He had a thousand questions, but was forced to settle on just one. "If you didn't do it, why take the risk planting a tree in my name?"

"Congrats, appears that sense has finally managed to sink its way through that mangy-haired head of yours. And because you decided to grow a brain, I'll call a semi-truce and offer you this – truth is you and I were both playing games, problem being, we didn't know we were pawns in someone else's scheme. Gotta tip my hat to 'em though, I envy their…_ style_. So in honor of you being only _slightly_ less smarmy than I thought, still cuckoo as fucking hell, I'll give you this one. Call it a belated wedding present or an early gift for your impending divorce… If you want to know, you have to ask nicely."

Of course, Squall wanted to know or he wouldn't have asked, but he wasn't about to kowtow to the psychopath. The commander's expression remained flat as he simply stated, "No."

Sirtis laughed, seemingly amused at the man's overt defiance. "Bout time you grew a fucking backbone to go with your newly-formed brain. Here I thought the one of you tools who wasn't an invertebrate was dear 'ol Poodle. So here's your answer – _curiosity_. Hell, I was being accused of a crime and wanted to figure out what the hell your game was… To truly know your opponent, you need to study them. As for the tree, as you ineptly pointed out, that kinda grew into my calling card, plus it made for a good cover. You'd be surprised how you all-fuckin'-mighty SeeDs look down on all us blue-collar folk. But for what it's worth, I had a slight, _microscopically _slight_,_ bit of empathy on your death. You seemed like a decent enough kid, just working for a fucked-up organization… But I know how that goes – past experience and all. Trust me, life is more than the next set of orders. Get out while you still can."

And with that, Squall left.

He never believed that he'd be following Sirtis' advice but, since the words already alighted with his future plans, it seemed inevitable. There was something else that made him wonder - even when Sirtis was gone, he could never ever truly escape his past. Would Squall follow suit? The obvious answer didn't matter; his life would be what he made of it. For once, Squall wouldn't look back - he deserved and _wanted_ this opportunity; the future was his to shape.

As he met up with the others, everyone looked at him, save for Rinoa. The overall sense of foreboding was impossible to ignore as no one wanted to tell Squall their latest theory, but that didn't change the fact it had to be done.

In some roundabout way, Zell figured the responsibility of telling the commander fell on his shoulders. They had been partners since the first day, plus he was the first to come to the conclusion. Still, it was nothing more than a hunch and Squall was always so adamant about certainty. Saying it to Laguna and Rinoa was one thing; saying it to the person who still had someone who wanted him dead was another.

"Um, Squall, uh... yeah, it's just that we think that _maybe_…"

"…Sirtis didn't do it. I know."

"Yeah. That." Well, it had gone a hell of a lot easier than he thought.

"It never added up, now we know why."

He continued walking passed Zell after their brief exchange. It might have been rude, but he was beyond caring as he didn't acknowledge anyone else. There was only one person he was worried about. And, as she felt him near, she got up and flung herself into his arms. He winced at the pain, but it ebbed when she loosened her hold. Returning the embrace, it didn't take long before he felt dampened tears through the fabric of his shirt. He felt helpless as her body shuddered within his arms. He knew that she would quickly reach her breaking point, if she hadn't already.

He leaned down, whispering in her ear. "I'd ask if you're all right, but I already know."

She didn't respond, just tightened her grip.

"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say as he winced again but fought trough the discomfort.

"It's not your fault." Her shoulders heaved up and down as she said the words. "I just can't – we have nothing. Nothing."

He gently guided her head back to look up at him. Giving her a soft smile, he placed a hand under her chin. "Well, I wouldn't say _nothing_. It wasn't you, right?"

"No." She gasped out; somewhat taken aback by the fact he'd even ask.

"Good." He continued to give her a reassuring smile. "See that - we just narrowed the suspect pool down by one. I'm also going to go out a limb and rule out Laguna and Zell too, although if it was Zell… I'd be pretty damned impressed at his abilities to move that quickly… he'd have to be part magician and part Cactuar. I don't believe he is, so we can rule him out. Now we're up to three… we're on a roll."

"That's not funny." Even though his words were true, she couldn't help the faint smile that accompanied them.

"No, it's not, but seeing you smile, even a bit, was worth it." Leaning over, he gave her a tender kiss on the forehead. "I know it seems like we're starting over, but we're not. We now know what it _isn't _\- so now we focus on what it _is. _We were so sure that it was one shooter we might have overlooked the obvious. But Rinoa…"

He made sure she was looking into his eyes because he couldn't ask anymore from her. "If you need to go home, I understand. You've lost three weeks of work because of me and I don't expect to put your career on hold."

She blinked, but didn't say anything.

Again, he found himself trying to lighten the mood. "Hey, someone's got to keep their job in the family… Apparently, we have a very spoiled dog at home whose grown accustom to a certain life style."

She laughed. It was small and barely audible, but it was there. He talked about _their_ dog at _home._ The words might have been said in jest, but what they meant to her was so much more. And yes, she had considered work; it was one of countless thoughts crossing her mind the last few minutes. But it felt selfish; her husband had just discovered he was still a target and her thoughts were with work. How could she not feel guilty? The truth was she could extend her sabbatical a little longer, but if it came down to it, she would consider going back. She was thankful Squall understood; she had worked hard to establish her own identity and he truly respected that.

"Thank you." Letting go, she exhaled deeply while taking a few steps back. Her hands clasped behind her back as her fingers played with her wedding ring.

"Thank you," she parroted, believing that the words needed to be reiterated, "but right now, I want to be here. Yes, maybe later I'll need to go back to Timber. It's funny, lately I started to believe that there are things we learn about ourselves – feelings that can never be put into words. So, when the time comes for me to work, _I'll know inside_. …But if I went back now, there's no way I could concentrate. I'd be more of a hindrance than help… that's something else I also know. And, yes, maybe it's the same here, but it's also different."

She managed a feeble smile at their inside joke. "While _I know_ that I can't always help, _I know_ I can always support you – all of you. _This_ is where I need to be; this is where my heart's at."

"If you're sure." It wasn't a question; he knew the choice was solely hers to make. Not to mention, Angelo really didn't have to worry. They still had several million in the bank, which should keep the pampered pooch in velvet beds and top-line bones for quite some time.

"I am."

"I'm starting to think you're staying around just so you can fling yourself into my arms… not that I'm complaining."

"You _so _are," she called him out with a smile, "Don't they say if you find something that works, stick with it?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he draped his arm around her waist and then faced Zell. The martial artist was also affected by this, more so than anyone else, including him. The commander decided he would speak to Cid privately, suggesting they possibly allow Zell to call Alex on a secured line. She was a SeeD and there would be no doubt that she would keep it confidential. He wished he could've asked for him to call Ma Dincht too, but Squall already knew the answer to that.

It was the least that Squall could do for Zell's unwavering support. Yet, for the time being, his capabilities didn't go beyond reminding his friend that, no matter how lonely he felt, he was far from alone.

"You all right?"

"I will be." Zell shrugged. "Guess I shoulda known better than to get my hopes up, but that's okay. It has to be."

"Can't believe this is coming from me but, it's not always a bad thing to have hope."

"I guess… I'm just... hell, I don't know what to think. I mean, where do we even start?"

"The beginning." Laguna had been abnormally quiet, but he refused to sit idly on the sidelines this time.

Again, Squall found himself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with his father. It still felt like a foreign concept, but seemed a _tad _easier each time, although he'd be damned to admit _that_ part. "Laguna's right. Now that we have a different perspective, we look back to that morning in Dollet - from the minute we stepped on dry land. We search for any recordings from that day – news reports, even security footage from inside the summit. We should even check online - sometimes people post things. If that fails, we move to the funeral - Zell knows those tapes best. Actually, I might have him take a second look as soon as possible, something might jump out."

Even in the midst of all the turmoil, the moment the President heard his son say the words "Laguna's right," he couldn't help but become emotional. Then he mentally chastised himself and tried to remain as professional as Squall. With that in mind, he decided to give them a head's up about what was going on in the outside world.

"I wanted to let you guys know the media is already running with the story. So… I'm guessing by now just about everyone and their brother's brother knows we have someone in custody. Wait brother's brother doesn't make sense, does it? Well, maybe with different par-… Ah, _nevermind_, scratch that."

…And there went the _'being professional'_ thing, flying out the door and already half way down the street at top speed. Putting it behind him, he wasn't going to let it get to him.

"Basically, by now, everyone knows we have a suspect, but the press doesn't have specifics – _yet_. The problem is there were hundreds of witnesses today; so it's only a matter of time. Also, with everything that's happened… I'm not sure we can trust our military not to leak info … Even if you take away well, you know-" His voice softened for the next three words, "…_the spider thing_. Bill Koenig was really well-respected among the men. I'm so, so sorry."

"That's not your fault. You can't control everyone - only yourself."

In his heart, Laguna already knew the truth but the guilt didn't lessen. Hearing his son's encouraging words however, meant more than he could ever know. "Thanks… I guess, for now, you guys should head back into the other room and I'll have some computers and stuff brought in… That way, you can get a start on videos or whatever. Um, unfortunately we're going to have to keep you in there… just for a bit. It should be a decent enough place to work; at least a little more head room than the van."

"Any place I can stand without hunching over is better, thank you." Squall gave his father a slight nod. "Is there any possibility of getting either Kiros or Lauren to round up the security footage from the van? I'd have Rinoa do it, but her being around might lead to another set of questions. I'm sure we'd all want to avoid that."

Rinoa looked at him skeptically. "I'm really starting to think you're afraid I'm going to mess up something in the van… or erase the tapes or something. It's like you don't trust me with technology."

"I _so _don't," he used her earlier words against her, "but what was it you said? If you find something that works, stick with it? Or in this case, if you find something that works, keep Rinoa away from it."

She pulled away, folding her arms and tapping her foot to the floor. "I _so_ resent everything about that statement."

"In all seriousness, now isn't the time to be wandering around. It would be best if you stayed with us."

"_Gah_, I really am on house arrest!" she groaned. "Sure, just when I wanted to buy chocolate from the vending machine… I really, _really_ need chocolate."

"Ah, there you are." Laguna reached his hand to her shoulder; it was _this _Rinoa he was used to seeing.

"Yeah, I'm here. Everything just hit me like a ton of Chocobo feathers, but I'll be okay." She smiled up to him.

Now it was Zell's turn to poke a bit of fun at her. "Don't ever change. We'd hate for you to start making sense one of these days."

* * *

Give or take, it had been around thirty minutes since they had returned. To say the mood was somber would have been an understatement. In Zell's mind, he believed that an unconscious Blobra showed more signs of life. He had lovingly dubbed this place as 'the room-from-hell.' Of course, it wasn't – it was far from it – but he believed that they had an established theme going and breaking it could mean bad luck.

Ma Dincht had always been overly superstitious. Apparently, at least for this mission, some of her fears had rubbed off on him. He wasn't usually like this, but he wanted every possible advantage, even if it meant making a few sacrifices. For now, he had sworn off some of the more traditional harbingers of bad luck. He had sworn off using ladders, holding mirrors, and even using salt… the final one the only thing that would come into play. There was always that other staple of misfortune - and this one he was fairly confident that he could avoid in here - black cats. Then again, Laguna_ did _run the country. Random felines in governmental buildings might have been as commonplace as Moombas warning, 'talk to the paw' on computer screens.

Still, he would admit that being sequestered here was better than that infernal van. To tell the truth, this room alone was far for more spacious than his and Alex's places combined at Garden. That reminded him that he should speak to Cid about that. If they got married, he really was going to need a bigger place. This was a rather random thing to be thinking about in a time like this, but it was the things like this that gave him hope. As Squall said, it wasn't a bad thing to have hope.

…And, seriously, they would _so_ need a bigger place.

Alex had amassed quite a ceramic clown collection. Those loathsome figurines were damn creepy. He would like a good room-sized buffer between him and their beady little eyes - actually, he would have preferred a good ocean-sized buffer, but marriage was apparently about compromise. An eerie chill ran though him as he pictured those ceramic devils but, love was about sacrifice and triumphing over fears about soul-stealing clowns.

Thankfully, the room where he, Rinoa, and Squall were in now was one hundred-percent clown-free. Not to mention, it was big enough that all of them could migrate to their own sections. True to his word, Laguna had managed to wrangle up four laptops to get them started. Impressively, he had also managed to do so in about ten minutes.

However, during those minutes, Zell had staked claim on a small desk near the security door. Needing to distract his thoughts, he decided to go desk-drawer spelunking – a term coined by Selphie after a weekend searching for a dry-cleaning claim ticket in Irvine's desk. To her surprise, not only was the guy way too picky about starch, but he was also a sentimental packrat. So much so, that he managed to defy the laws of physics with all the stuff crammed into every drawer. Selphie equated it to searching for a single diamond in a cave full of cubic zirconia and hence the term desk-spelunking was born.

Unfortunately, Zell's spelunking efforts didn't yield any treasure. The most exciting thing was a half-empty box of paperclips. Glancing around in stealth-mode, he made sure nobody was watching as he removed the box and began linking them together. Like Alex had so wisely pointed out, he had to keep his hands occupied… even with something as meaningless as making a paperclip chain. When his computer finally arrived, he decided that his 'hard work' shouldn't have gone in vain and so he decorated his workspace with his metallic garland. Even if the room's mood wasn't any better than that of an unconscious Blobra, Zell was personally determined to be more creative than one.

As for his two cohorts – sadly, the martial artist thought that the Blobra had them beat both on mood_ and_ creativity. It was a mild victory for gelatinous creatures everywhere.

Squall had commandeered the large table near the kitchenette. Between his open folders and laptop, he had thoroughly covered the tabletop. He had used his earlier downtime a little more effectively. Rather than worry about home décor, he had taken the time to organize his workspace, excruciatingly so from Zell's point of view.

Of the three, only Rinoa had to take a step back. When they'd first walked in, Squall had told her to rest on the couch and, instead of stubbornly arguing this time, she agreed. Honestly, she needed a few minutes (or hours… or _days_) to try and compose herself. She was overwhelmed as it was and a single, seemingly-harmless action had suddenly made it even worse – she'd looked at her phone. There were missed calls - _a lot of them_ \- and each one brought that much more guilt.

With all the messages, any doubt that the news hadn't reached the far reaches of the planet had been erased. To Rinoa's surprise, it had been Selphie who'd topped the charts with seventeen missed calls. If that didn't gift her with enough guilt, there were several others from Quistis, Watts, people from work, Irvine (which she guessed was placed at Selphie's request) but the biggest surprise was one missed call from a phone number that stood out above all others – her father.

She was conflicted. Was it out of sincerity or was it politically-motivated?

No matter how curious, she'd let that mystery rest for now. She didn't have the mental capacity to deal with returning calls. Yes, she knew that came off as selfish as they were only worried about her, but she couldn't. How could she lie to her friends again? How could she say that she was 'grateful' that Squall's killer was in custody when she knew that it was untrue?

It was better to ignore than to deceive. At least, that's what she told herself as she finally closed her eyes. Her head rested on a throw pillow while she used another to shield the light. She doubted she could sleep; the only thing that she knew for certain was that there was a full-blown migraine that was rapidly approaching. Unbeknownst to her, the thing that was 'rapidly approaching' wasn't a headache, it was a person — a headache might have been preferable at this point. Still, there were still a few minutes of calm before that storm made landfall.

As for Squall, he was doing his best to focus, but even he found it difficult. He did his best to look busy, but his actions were regrettably more for show. It was one thing when his shooting was believed to be politically-motivated. He could understand how a person could be disgruntled with politicians as a whole, but never to the degree of murder. Now it felt personal and that became a much harder pill to swallow.

It also made him reconsider something they'd dismissed before – could they have been after Zell? Call it a hunch but, that still seemed unlikely. For now, Squall had to remain focused and try to recall all of his missions from the last year. Whether he was there in person or just overseeing from his desk, every decision he'd made was not above suspicion. He tried to remember, but found his mind drifting; it was obvious that this was going nowhere fast.

Glancing to the couch, he had to inwardly smile. Sometimes the fact she was there, even with her head sandwiched between throw pillows, was still hard to believe. She was in a situation way above her norm or his for that matter, which summed it up nicely. To him, this stopped being about finding his shooter; it was about pardoning both Rinoa and Zell from 'house arrest' as she dubbed it.

That meant returning to the basic foundations of training, not letting his mind wander but, most importantly, it meant not caving to the pathos of defeat. In the interrogation room, his pride had taken devastating blow. Not only had he allowed himself to become a victim, he allowed himself to be used as a pawn. The commander knew that defeat was a sign of weakness and failure but, worse yet, it was all too familiar. This time, he wouldn't let himself be fooled by past fallacies.

However, everything came to an abrupt halt with the familiar chimes at the door. Squall had been more curious than concerned, but stood up regardless. Rinoa did little to move, besides peeking an eye out from under the pillow. Their selection of visitors was extremely limited – Laguna, Kiros or, worst case scenario, Lauren. Unfortunately for Rinoa, it didn't turn out to be any of them.

The surprising part was that she would have rather had the ex-girlfriend or even that migraine - either of those options would have been preferable. The commander wasn't surprised, however. If anything, the only real surprise was that it had taken this long.

"Headmaster, sir," he addressed while saluting sharply.

Luckily, this time, Squall had the foresight to keep his wedding ring out of view. As he saluted with his right hand, he balled the other into a fist; he hoped that his greeting would draw the headmaster's attention away from that hand as he returned the gesture. After that, Squall immediately placed both hands behind his back. He remained at attention, although with that small, non-regulation adjustment. Etiquette was about attitude at this point and, while he never intended to hide the truth, he did want to leave it for a better time.

Speaking of 'better time' or, in his case _timing_, Zell's couldn't have been worse. His decision to raid the cupboards came back to bite him royally in the butt. He stumbled over himself as he stood to address his superior.

"Sir," he managed through a mouth of pretzels, although it came out more as a muffled 'sure.'

Squall didn't glance at Rinoa, but he guessed that she was trying to suppress a disgruntled moan. He also wouldn't have been too surprised if there was a debate-of-one currently going on in her head. At this point, she was probably weighing her options between playing possum and just hoping for the best. Then again, knowing her, the most likely scenario was that she was simply wishing that Cid didn't see her there at all. Squall hated to be the one to break it to her, but two decorative throw pillows didn't exactly scream military-grade camouflage.

"At ease. Squall, Zell, glad to see you're all right. Please, no formalities are needed." He cleared his throat, "…And Miss Heartilly, I take it that you're doing well?"

Squall turned enough to see that she was sitting up, probably cursing his name the entire time though still managing to put her best foot forward. It was something that both she and Squall had grown accustomed to - feigning politeness while wanting to rip hair out one strand at a time.

Her legs felt shaky, but she managed to stand. Taking the lead from her husband, she made sure to keep her ring out of view.

"Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. I hope all is well with you too, sir."

"It's been a mess, but that's nothing new. One cannot begin to fathom the sheer amount of red-tape and hurdles I've had to jump through over the last few weeks. Trying to appease everyone, all the time, is extremely tiring. Politics truly is a young man's game."

"I'm sorry to hear," Rinoa awkwardly replied. Why couldn't Cid just answer with a generic, _'I'm fine?'_ Because honestly, she was far from 'fine' at the moment, but delving into the truth was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Of course." Cid gave a curt nod before turning his back to address his two SeeDs. "When this is over, I'm going to need a vacation. I venture to guess that even the Island Closest to Hell would be a welcome change. But for now I-"

He stopped. Narrowing his eyes, he gave the martial artist a curious stare. "Mr. Dincht, are you wearing a… paperclip necklace?"

Zell sheepishly grinned. "Chain… it's a _chain_, more manly that way."

"I'm sure your mother would be proud, but arts and craft time is over. This isn't summer camp."

Offering a hurried apology, he quickly removed the chain from his neck. Zell had completely forgotten that somewhere along the line that he'd decided to accessorize. Curse his boredom-fuelled, yet still truly awesome, creativity.

"Appreciated," the headmaster continued, "Now, as you may know, I've spent the last few days doing my best to handhold and coddle a few council members. With much conviction, I can say that the experience has been… _eye-opening_. Suddenly, taking thirty cadets out a few weeks during survival training seems like a relaxing holiday. It took some doing, but I managed to get everyone situated upstairs. They all wanted to jump in with the press, but I insisted that we needed to verify facts before we found ourselves in hot water. I don't think they'll play possum long so needless to say, I'm glad I could finagle a few minutes."

He paused momentarily, placing the full of his attention on the commander. There was just this _feeling_, but one best left alone for now. "Squall, on the way down, I did pass President Loire in the hall and heard that Sirtis was somewhat cooperative. However, our exchange was brief, care to fill me in?"

This would become the commander's precipice; there was no return.

And this time, the truth worked in their favor. The only blood the World Council demanded – the blood of the man responsible for shedding their own. Squall would continue to do his part, making sure that their past remained _in the past_ \- a concept deftly executed by Garden over the years.

Maybe it was because the commander knew what it was like to have to rely on others' trust to keep secrets. The fate of Katipo did not rest with him, it rested with Laguna. His father had at least earned that amount of respect. Of course, he couldn't speak for Lauren or Zell and, yet again, he had to place his trust in others.

"In short, Duncan Sirtis admitted to the shootings of Spiner, Koenig, Pegg, Beltran, and Siddig. To put it candidly, their politics either directly or indirectly had some sort of negative impact on the environment. Therein lies the motive – to stop those responsible for bills or riders that could affect our ecosystem. He had been diagnosed with a terminal disease, currently entering the final stages. With his last few months, he wanted to do something _drastic_ that helped impact the environment or at least brought some of the politics into question. As a matter of record, Mr. Sirtis previously owned a gun shop in Deling City, which gave him access to weapons. Commander Rachels is currently detailing that in her field report and, by this evening, she'll have a summation of the case thus far."

"And his other two targets - Blalock and yourself?"

"That's a little more… _complicated_," Zell said, checking the commander out of the corner of his eye.

"How is mutilating a body complicated? Sick, but certainly not complicated – any wild animal could manage that feat."

"Not the act, sir, the reasons," corrected Squall, "By the pure brutality, we believed that Blalock's murder was personal… a fact which Sirtis verified. However, no matter how brutal, it also wasn't planned."

The commander knew he was going to give the version Sirtis had suggested - not the truth they knew.

"Conner Blalock served in the military with Sirtis. However, records will have him listed under Conner Trinneer. Sirtis and Trinneer have a rather sordid history."

"Let me a guess, it was a woman. It's_ always_ a woman."

The headmaster's icy words definitely implied _something. _Squall couldn't decide if the statement was a nod towards Cid's own personal history or if it was towards himself and Rinoa. Either way, the sentiment wasn't going to faze him.

"You are correct. Yes, there had been a female named Kate back in Esthar – but he refused to offer up surname name. Apparently, there was some infidelity by two of the parties which was the root of the problems. Even after the woman was completely out of the picture, their bitterness continued to grow… and it grew and festered until it became something much darker. Trinneer tried to walk away by moving to FH and changing his name to start over, but Sirtis wouldn't let it go. He decided to get his revenge by contaminating the Blalock's drinking water."

"I'm sorry, what?" The headmaster wasn't sure how they ended up_ there_, or if he had even heard correctly for that matter.

Zell stepped forward. He knew what Squall was doing and was glad to back up the commander's account.

"Yeah… Sirtis admitted to putting some chemicals into their water supply for years. So, um, we need to get the wife and kids checked out. Remember, like you said, Sirtis was sick…. I think we can all agree that only someone truly twisted would do that."

Inwardly, the commander breathed a huge sigh of relief. Zell was truly a great friend; moreover, he was truly a great person. Those kids should never know the truth. This way, they wouldn't and could still get the medical treatment. To Squall, the most notable thing was that Zell didn't technically lie. The fact was – those words _did _come out of Sirtis' mouth. Of course, Sirtis was lying through his teeth, but nothing the martial artist said was a lie.

Cid shook his head in disbelief. "What kind of monster would even think of that?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know." The commander added the next part to help put Rinoa's mind a little at ease. "But now that we know, I hope that we can make sure they get proper help – medical, financial, and emotional… Maybe this is a chance for Garden to help regain public trust once the truth about the funeral comes out. I honestly believe that Blalock's family doesn't have the means to deal with any of this, but since Garden has plenty of resources… it could be perceived as an olive branch."

"Yes, yes, we can arrange something, I'm sure. The funeral is in few days… let's at least give them this time to grieve while we look for answers." Cid wouldn't commit anything beyond that at the moment, but he would make sure that Garden provided aid in some way. There was no question about that - Selphie was always overly-willing to organize some sort of fundraiser; she completely thrived in these situations.

Cid's words also brought up a fact that could've been damning, but thankfully Blalock's remains had already been cremated. The last thing they needed was a body where further tissue samples could be taken. If Sirtis _had_ been poisoning the water, Blalock's contamination _should_ have been nearly identical to his family's. Needless to say, any physical evidence would easily refute that.

"Although, I do have to ask, why didn't Sirtis just continue to poison them? If he hadn't killed Blalock, they could have died slowly - wasn't that his intent?"

Squall believed that simple answers were often the best. In this situation, trying to rationalize either man's thought process could easily prove more harm than good. "The truth was discovered. Once that happened, somebody was going to be leaving in a body bag… it just happened to Blalock."

The headmaster looked skeptical. "I don't get it. If this man was so determined to protect the environment, why would he risk resorting to something that equated to small-scale biological warfare? Seems rather counterproductive in his fight."

Squall tensed, although he was far from the only one. "Irony."

Not the best answer; it was literally the first one that came to mind.

"I suppose…" Cid wasn't convinced and began talking to himself through his own skepticism. On very rare occasions, such as this, he did the seemingly impossible – he managed to make a coherent explanation from a rather nonsensical response.

"Yes, yes, you're spot-on commander. I now see what you're saying. Sirtis only poisoned one water tank – fully-well knowing that the entire family would suffer. Down the road, they'd all became outwardly sick and, well, logic dictates it would eventually be traced back to the source. And, by poisoning the entire family, Sirtis would accomplish two goals. The first - to eliminate his targets… the second would be more subtle and, as you said, ironic. I'm horrified to admit this, but it's also a tad ingenious. He was going to use his own victims to further his cause. He knew an entire family would come across as sympathetic figures to the press. Honestly, the entire purification industry might've been placed directly in the media's cross hairs. Guess we caught a break by having the whole thing discovered now; the last thing we need is some mass worldwide hysteria where everyone thinks their drinking water is trying to kill them. Hell, with Garden's luck, we'd probably just find ourselves forced to cover something else up."

Now _that _was irony. If the three of them hadn't been collectively holding their breath, they might have been able to agree.

Thankfully, that topic was all but dropped as Cid continued onward. Pushing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose, he cleared his throat and asked the one question that had stumped them since the start, "…And Sirtis' reason for shooting you?"

The already-tense atmosphere erupted like an invisible volcano. The headmaster took note, responding with a peculiar laugh. "Maybe Sirtis has seen my backswing and wanted to keep me off of the golf course. Plus, he knows the headmaster position is all yours… Too bad he's not stopping either my love of golf or your promotion."

He paused and began rubbing the back of his neck; his actions must have subconsciously influenced his words. "Honestly though, I'm still scratching my head at what Garden's direct policies have to do with environment but, we've not exactly been selective about our clientele. As long as they have money, we have work. I guess that means our enemies are literally a Gil a dozen, so I'm sure he could take his pick of reasons. Either that or he really doesn't like my backswing."

Rinoa had let the first comment about 'always a woman' slide. But that, coupled with the remark about 'not stopping his promotion,' erased any doubts about Cid's opinions. If he was trying to diffuse the situation with humor, she believed that their views greatly differed on what was funny. She still believed that Cid was a great leader when he wanted to be. He was as protective as any man could be; it didn't matter if you were a student or blood-family, he was a man you'd want in your corner. However, if your views differed from his or if he looked at you as a threat, you'd also be quite aware of that too.

In several cases, his feelings were expressed by passive-aggressive comments. Right now, it was clear to Rinoa that was his current Modus operandi with her.

Unfortunately, the commander had also noticed this. Still, this wasn't the right time or place to open that can of Abyss Worms. Right now, pertinent facts were all that mattered and personal opinions needed to be pushed back for a later time.

"Headmaster, sir, the part about shooting me - that's where it gets… really complicated."

"Really, _really,_ complicated," Zell interjected.

"Again, I'm not seeing how this is complicated. I'm beginning to believe that you two have a very different definition of that word. This man tried to kill you and was a hair's breadth away from appears cut and dry to me."

"You are correct, _that_ would be cut and dry if, in fact, it had been Sirtis who shot me." Tentatively, Squall relaxed his rigid posture; the aches in his body were becoming a tad uncomfortable. "…But, it wasn't. It's come to our attention that the attempt on my life was the product of a copycat. Someone believed they could pass it off as part of the pattern and it worked for a while."

Cid scoffed. "And who dropped this nugget of information? Sirtis? Commander Leonhart, you know more than anyone that suspects lie."

"I'm aware. Please don't equate the truth with me being incapable of doing my job. While I was on the operating table, I lost blood - not intelligence." He knew that probably came across as a tad snide, but he was growing tired of the backhanded insults. On top of the two earlier comments, Squall believed he was well within his rights to become slightly defensive.

"I understand, Squall, but you've been in isolation for a few weeks and judgment often becomes easily clouded in those kinds of circumstances, especially when you feel as if you've been backed into a corner. In this particular instance, it may be beneficial to take a step back. I'm not saying you're wrong; I'm just saying your judgment might be impaired and you're not thinking correctly. There's a difference and it speaks nothing to your abilities. We also have to take into consideration that there's a good possibility you've become distracted. Lately, you've made a few brash decisions and I need to take the entire picture into account while still giving you leeway. Honestly, I need you to be one hundred percent sure. Even the mere _thought_ of a second shooter would complicate things significantly."

Now there was no doubt in Squall's mind that he had made the right decision about _everything_. Not only that, but he knew the headmaster was calling him out; truthfully, no matter how much it pained him to admit, Cid was well within his rights to do so as well.

Yes, Squall had made some questionable decisions as far as SeeD was concerned, but not as far _he_ was concerned. Sure, if leaving Zell alone on the outskirts of Dollet, going after Rinoa, and even bringing her into an active mission were taken into account, those actions were definitely far from Garden's protocol. And he would gladly take responsibility for any of those choices. However, not one of those choices changed the truth - Sirtis did not shoot him.

With everything Squall had gone through, it was taking all his will to remain on an even keel. He wasn't one to lose his temper, especially with a superior, but right now he wanted to scream 'he didn't do it' at the top of lungs. Sadly, as far as the headmaster was concerned, the result would have remained pretty much the same.

"Um, headmaster, sir," Zell began, not knowing if he was making the situation worse or better but, for his friend, he had to try something. Squall felt helpless and, even Zell could see it; it was almost as if Cid refused to see the truth painted right in front of him. If he thought convincing Lauren had been difficult, he had no idea that the headmaster would be stubbornly opposed to being rational.

"Sirtis didn't shoot us." Once he opened his mouth, Zell knew it would look bad if he didn't try to qualify the statement; that was the hard part. Namely because saying 'it's a gut feeling' didn't exactly fly around here. "Because… well, that's sort of hard to answer. See, there are actually _a lot_ of little reasons. It's like, by themselves they don't seem like a big deal, not adding up to much. But if you put them all together, you can see the big picture emerge."

"Like a puzzle Zell? It seems like that's the metaphor you're going for."

"Ha, yeah. I guess I could've just said that… would've been easier."

"Quite," Squall said under his breath.

"As I was saying," Zell loudly cleared his throat as he went in for his second attempt. "There has always been something off about Squall's shooting from the beginning - even you had mentioned the lack of clear-cut motive to the timing. He had never killed that closely together and even though Siddig's body washed ashore after Squall was shot, the timeline was way too congested. However, the _biggest_ red flag to all of us is actually the simplest - Sirtis just would _not_ miss. And, not only did he miss - he missed big time, hitting the good-looking guy next to the target."

"…Good-looking," the commander repeated the phrase in horror, although they were quite muffled.

Zell shrugged. He had to wonder if a case of cabin fever had taken over him fully, because while he was accustomed to joking around, it very rarely _\- if ever_ \- happened in the midst of addressing a superior.

To their surprise, it appeared that Cid had contracted something himself, most likely a side-effect of babysitting World Council members. He couldn't let the commander's comment escape without being taken completely out of context.

"Squall, your belief that your comrade is indeed a handsome man has been duly noted. And while I'm sure Zell's thrilled to hear that you verbally agreed with what he said - that he is indeed a good-looking man - now is probably not the best time to expand upon that thought, however."

"World Council that bad?" Zell asked with a smirk, raising an eyebrow at the headmaster.

"Yes. God, yes."

Irritated with the entirety of this exchange, the commander began to cross his arms; luckily, remembered about the ring in time. He clenched his jaw as he returned to the full attention position, letting this get to him simply wasn't worth it.

The other two men shared a brief laugh – even Rinoa found it difficult not to let out a small giggle. It seemed that Cid's light humor had the opposite effect on the martial artist, helping alleviate his stress.

"Well, sorry to hear Headmaster. I wish for your sake as well as ours that this could be over, but unfortunately we really don't think it is. As I was saying, think about it, _really_ think about it from an objective point of view. As a sniper, Sirtis was good… actually, the records indicate he was more like great. Wait, strike that too… this guy was a super-duper _über_ marksman. He's proved that he still has the ability – even that single shot to the base of Siddig's skull was perfect. Yes, I know better than to take a suspect at their word, but he said his illness hasn't affected his coordination – both his actions and his medical records can back that up. And you know how anal snipers can be. Sirtis never shot when anybody else was around… and something about his body language, everything I saw from the direction he looked, to his posture and, well, everything pointed to the fact he was telling the truth. Plus, remember that all three of us would've been thrilled if it was him, we wouldn't be saying this if we didn't believe it. I guess it boils down to a leap of faith but still, trust us, what facts we have, and yeah, even our gut feelings too. There's a whole bunch of things that never added up anyway. So yeah…Duncan Sirtis didn't do it."

"Fine, we'll defer to your judgment then." The headmaster waved his hand in defeat; his momentary break in humor was all but history.

Squall had to wonder if was because Rinoa had joined in the laughter earlier. Maybe that had only reminded him that she was there listening and whatever false wall he had built up had disappeared. Whatever his problem was, he came across as terse.

"Commander Leonhart, Mr. Dincht, I've trusted you two so far and, as you've made clear already - it's your lives after all. You'll have whatever backing you need. I guess I should now inform the suits upstairs we have a second would-be killer on the loose."

"No, please don't," Squall said curtly, "The absolute worst thing we can do is show our hand. Esthar is keeping this newfound information under wraps from their end – at least for the time being." Squall didn't even know how to feel about this. He honestly didn't expect some warm welcome from Cid after all the shit he pulled, but he didn't expect to not be believed. As did his obvious distain for Rinoa – or their rekindled relationship at the very least. That hurt.

"Again, fine," Cid answered dismissively, "Your call."

His earlier thoughts were proven true - the headmaster didn't like aspects of a case discussed in front of a civilian, let alone future plans. But his two SeeDs didn't have the same hang-ups about outright breaching protocol, apparently. The headmaster didn't feel as if he could speak freely and with Rinoa all but attached at their hip, it seemed like a problem that wasn't detaching itself anytime soon.

"Commander, I'd like a word with you - _privately_. I was informed there's an access corridor between here and the interrogation room. It's vital that we discuss a few things before we continue forward."

"Sir, with all due respect, I'd like Rinoa present. I'm sure whatever you want to say doesn't directly relate to SeeD. Whatever discussion you're planning, connects directly back to her and my relationship with her."

Cid was awestruck. He could have ordered Squall to comply but something told him that his star-gunblader wouldn't be changing his mind on this. It was an unprecedented battle of determination and pride; one that Rinoa and Zell were squarely caught in the middle in.

"Aah, you know what…. why don't I leave?" Zell cracked his knuckles. He wanted to do the smart thing – survival of the fittest and all. It's like when you're a smaller fish — you avoid the oncoming feeding frenzy by getting the hell away.

"I mean, there's just one of me and like three of you and… well, the math says I should go sit in the hall, right?"

"That would be greatly appreciated, thank you." Zell never even noticed the headmaster's courteous bow as he had quickly closed his laptop before making a beeline for the door.

Again, the headmaster found himself readjusting his glasses, glancing in the direction of the couches. "Why don't we have a seat? I'm sure we'll all be more comfortable there."

However, Rinoa believed that the word 'comfortable' was the furthest thing to describe anything or anywhere in this room. She even believed that sitting on the moon's surface in the midst of a sea of monsters before the Lunar Cry would have somehow been more 'comfortable' than this.

 

* * *

 Chapter Eighty-Two: Return to Tomorrow

* * *

Rinoa felt helpless in the situation unfolding around her, but neither Squall nor the headmaster noticed. Cid had taken his place on the love seat, presumably because it was the smaller of the two couches, allowing Rinoa to reclaim her earlier spot. Squall had also followed suit without so much as a glance back. It was wrong to feel abandoned as this didn't qualify on any level, but she felt _something_ – and whatever it was, certainly wasn't pleasant.

Trying to shake it off, Rinoa knew that it was probably best to take the headmaster's suggestion and sit. She began to take a step forward, but found that her body was anything but willing. To her horror, it seemed as if it was determined to follow its own agenda. _This _agenda currently consisted of doing a very life-like imitation of a statue and no matter how much she beckoned her feet to move, they seemed hell-bent on remaining firmly in place.

When Squall realized that she hadn't budged, he looked over at her curiously. While he knew that she and Cid's relationship had been strained, he didn't think that she'd outright be this stubborn on some sort of principle.

Reading his expression, she could easily piece together what he was thinking. He was wrong, but it made for a damn good cover excuse. 'Standing on principle,' seemed like a far more sound reason than 'fighting hyperventilation because your husband's boss wanted to talk and intimidates the shit out of you.'

Thankfully, she didn't have to worry about it any longer as her brain decided to play nice, surrendering its control over her nervous system. Even though she now had control of her feet, it didn't make this vague, unpleasant feeling go away, but at least sitting next to Squall made it a tad better. Again, following his lead, she made sure to keep her hands clasped so her ring was out of sight.

Despite the conscious effort to hide it, there was this smug, satisfaction in simply imagining what Headmaster Kramer's expression would be if she was to suddenly extend her arm straight out to show her ring and promptly announce, "Talk to the Paw."

Notwithstanding the distraction provided by her amusing, and admittedly juvenile, thought, she still felt so small and insignificant here – something she hadn't felt in years. Past memories and feelings surfaced, eerily echoing all the times she'd been called into Caraway's office, knowing there was a 'mystery' lecture waiting for her on the other side of the door.

Back then, it would have involved endless droning about her irresponsibility or whatever topic of the week he'd settled on; she'd always felt like a failure because she'd always disappoint him in some way. For awhile, she wanted do better… until the day she realized the hardest lesson of her life - there was never going to be a 'better' in his eyes.

The worst part about now? There was no reason to believe that she would fare any better here. She was very much the same helpless ten year-old and she hated herself for allowing _anyone_ to make her feel this way again. But this time, her real concerns weren't with herself. Personally, she didn't give a damn if she disappointed the headmaster as that ship had sailed long ago, but Squall...

…He was different.

Cid Kramer was his family. She didn't want to go as say 'father figure' but she would easily say that he was a mentor and someone who cared about him. And _caring about him_ was the only common ground that she had ever shared with Cid.

In their own ways, they both wanted the best for him and for his future – they both loved him. The problem was that their methods and relationships greatly differed.

Apparently, to Rinoa's not-so-great-surprise, Cid's method this time equated to something along the lines of denial.

"Squall, I want to start off by saying that I know this has been difficult. And I, _personally_, take responsibility for not helping you more – you needed to come to terms with almost losing your life. Not only that, I threw you into a very complicated situation without giving you any say in the matter. From day one, I was aware that you had some concerns. You did do your best to express them at the hospital and yes, maybe I should have addressed them more. At the very least, I was accountable for helping you sort through any emotional fallout. Squall, the fact that you witnessed your own funeral... Well, that's something I wish I could take back. For that, I want to apologize."

"It's appreciated, thank you."

To Squall, it was a little late, but it did sound sincere. Really, there was no point to dwell on it – mostly because he knew that if the headmaster had to do it over, nothing would have changed. _Nothing._ In the heat of the moment, Cid would have still done what was necessary and apologize after the fact. It was an endless cycle - missions and war always were.

"Now, Squall… now that we have an understanding - I'm afraid that my choices may have been responsible, at least in part, for your hasty decisions. Again, the fact is I cut you off with little support… it's natural to feel trapped and alone. And while I was upset with your actions at first, I do understand the preceding factors that led to them. It's because of this that I'm assuring you that no disciplinary actions will be taken."

Squall was simply left awestruck. There were no words; at least none that would be appropriate to relay.

"Commander? Again, I know that you've gone through a lot and I'm not negating those circumstances. It's been discussed at length and we believe it's best to put all of this behind us. It's easy to make brazen decisions when the only thing that feels real are your emotions. That false reality then became your only source of guidance. So, with these current failures, we promise there will be no finger pointing or blame. The fact is, we're all at fault here, and that's why a clean slate is important. Returning to command will have an adjustment period but, come hell-or-high-water, we're going to be with you each step of the way. No cutting corners or shortcuts, you'll have the entirety of Garden's support as long as it's needed."

Failures? Did Cid just imply that this had been nothing more than a failure? There was so much wrong with that statement that Squall didn't know where to start. He still respected Cid and would keep his tone accordingly, but he refused to sit idly by any longer.

"Before we go further and, trust me, there's no room for doubt that this is going to go much, _much_ further… you need to know what I'm about to say – at least for the time being – is directed at your position, not you. We have history and I'm going to respect that and not bring this to a personal level – so do the same."

There was no way he was going to 'politely request' for Cid to keep it professional - he outright warned him. The headmaster needed to tread lightly and avoid any unnecessary comments in regards to his personal life. The headmaster didn't respond, mostly because he was shocked that the commander had been so direct. Either way, Squall wasn't about to back away.

"Garden took my life, my freedom and, not that I give a shit, they went as far as taking my money just for appearance's sake… and now they're willing to look the other way because_ I_ was little upset? Worst yet, _you're_ going along with their idiocy and then turning it around, making it sound like it was for my benefit? I did exactly what was asked of me. With no support or direction, we were able to figure out Sirtis' identity _and_ got him to surrender peacefully. Not one shot fired, not one extra life lost… and it was _you_ who trusted me to make those decisions. I basically had to work as a separate entity… and I was able to do just that and, for all intents and purposes, commanded a ghost unit. The choices I made might not have been Garden's, but they sure as hell were mine. And, with all due respect sir, the thought of disciplinary action is rather far down on my list of concerns."

"Commander please, I'm not trying to upset you again, but let's put the last few weeks in perspective."

The older man was truly concerned for Squall. He was rarely impulsive and if he was, there were always mitigating circumstances. But with all the rash decisions in the last week alone, the headmaster had to question his true intent. To Cid, that became the crux of the matter. He had to know if these decisions were some sort of message to Garden or _something_ deeper.

"Squall… I know for the last three years our relationship has been strained – you've gone out of your way to avoid me and I've allowed you your space. I've never pushed you, but we need to address this head-on in order to move forward. You're a damn good SeeD but it's imperative that you regain your focus."

The more the headmaster spoke, the more Rinoa became increasingly uncomfortable. It was natural to feel like a third wheel, especially when one of the parties said – _outright_ – that he didn't want her there. Even though Squall was the one that requested she stay, it constantly felt as if she was eavesdropping on a private conversation.

Still, all that aside, she was stunned to hear that their relationship had been strained although she wouldn't deny the tiniest bit of satisfaction derived from hearing that. Cid had made sure to say that their problems had conveniently lasted 'three' years. Rinoa guessed that was probably another not-so-subtle jab at her past relationship problems with Squall.

To her surprise, the only response the headmaster received was Squall's continued silence. This had been the last straw in Squall's mind. Apparently, his warning had gone unheeded.

And that was it – the silence had become his answer. The headmaster slumped back into the cushions as it all came crashing down. He wouldn't admit 'defeat' because this wasn't a loss in the traditional sense; this was Squall choosing the direction of his own life. It was akin to a child finally taking that last step to become his own man. Cid couldn't fault anyone for that, especially because there was a part of him that couldn't have been more proud. Of course, the headmaster side of him knew of the political ramifications this was going to create in spades.

Unlike Squall, it was difficult for Cid to separate the two aspects of their relationship, the career-leader and the nurturer. Even the headmaster knew this had stopped being about business a few weeks ago – this was about the most basic needs of life. It was still hard to let go. It was especially hard to let go of his own reservations.

"All right, Squall, I concede that there's no moving forward like this. So I'll drop the pretense and be honest."

"Please." He quickly glanced to his wife, making sure she was faring well enough under the pressure. They were mutually thankful that the headmaster decided to drop the charade - acting as if nothing had changed felt like he was censuring their relationship. Plus, the older man could only deny this for so long before coming across as a little desperate.

"…Fine then." Cid hesitated briefly as he removed his glasses and set them on a nearby table. "I know keeping things separate doesn't appear to be much of a problem for you but I'm sorry to say that it seems I'm often the one with the bigger hang-up lately. With that in mind - forget SeeD, forget work, even forget I'm the headmaster… none of that is relevant."

Chuckling softly, he looked at Squall. "Maybe, in a way, I'm not surprised that you two are back together. I'll admit to be surprised in _how_ it happened and maybe that's what I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around. More than anyone, I understand how tragedies can bring people closer together. In my line of work, I've spent far too long watching heartbreak and pain firsthand... Sometimes, it pulls together; sometimes, it tears apart. Unfortunately, about three years back, that was also a lesson you two discovered the hard way. I've been around the block enough to know people deal with tragedy in so many different ways and no two reactions will ever be the same. They can't… no situation is ever the same. That's the reason why I'm worried you're both caught up in the fantasy of what could be and not the reality of what is."

He then glanced to Rinoa. "I don't mean just him, but you too, Miss Heartilly. You thought you lost him and were going through the early stages of grief… And then, all of a sudden, he's at your door. To you, it can be perceived as something it's not; it wasn't because of a miracle he showed up – it was because of a lie. You have to understand that it's easy to get caught up following that trail of emotions."

Biting back her words, she forced a smile. Thankfully, that fleeting thought about correcting her last name had quickly passed. Because, like Squall before, she knew that the headmaster's words held some truth despite his delivery always leaving a lot to be desired. Still, maybe if Cid had started out more like this and less like he had, her and Squall wouldn't have gone on the defensive. She did believe he was being sincere – for what it was worth, she could tell that he did care about Squall and, maybe only by proxy, her.

She still didn't agree with him as his arguments were one-sided at best. Then again, the same could be said about her reasoning.

As for Squall, he would gladly allow the headmaster to say his peace before he offered his. And if he knew one thing – it was that his point was going to be made. Cid didn't have to agree, he just had to listen.

Cid shook his head as his eyes remained downcast. No matter what was to be said about the context, the emotion was genuine. "I'm sorry to say this but, when the dust settles, you'll realize you're still the same two people from years ago. Right now, you're caught up in reliving the good memories, but eventually, every one of those bad memories is bound to resurface and those are the ones you will think about at night before you go to sleep. You were two very different people years ago and while you've both grown in your own ways – you're _still _two very different people today."

It was becoming personal for Cid – and he wasn't referring to Rinoa and Squall. The headmaster had a feeling they could see through that. When it came to things like these, he wasn't a stranger to being accused of wearing his emotions like a badge. It was because of this weakness that he found himself returning to his safety zone – his role as headmaster.

"Commander, expanding on my position, I understand that you tendered your resignation. Whether this was done in person or, in your case, over the phone in Timber – I did take the intent as genuine, but again, I feel that it was your emotions at play. I want you to take some time and truly reconsider the impact of your actions. Again, none of this is meant to disrespect Miss Heartilly, but I would be remiss in not questioning your motives. I don't want you to throw your career away for something that simply feels right _in that moment_. In a few years, if you still feel the same, you two can move forward the without any doubts. Nothing is official – remember that."

Keeping calm, Squall bowed his head and took everything in. Finally, he looked up, his eyes never losing their determination.

"Sir, this might not be official on your end, but it is on mine – as are other things. I've listened to everything you've said and truthfully… I can say that there isn't one concern that I hadn't thought about on my own. Honestly, I have thought about the repercussions – _we both have._ Nothing was decided lightly, but it _was_ decided. I ask that you respect that decision."

Life truly was too short and Squall Leonhart refused to be afraid anymore. Not of Cid, but of his own insecurities. Shifting his body towards Rinoa, he slowly extended his arm, offering his hand. She smiled, as his fingers interlocked with hers. He had even used his left hand, the one with his wedding ring. Try as she might, she couldn't help but harbor doubts – those lingering fears that maybe Garden had some unspoken hold on him and SeeD controlled his future. Those doubts that had taken root in her psyche wouldn't fade anytime soon but, for the first time, she started believed they would.

As for Cid, he seemed to be at a loss for words, finding himself still conflicted. For whatever reason, the headmaster hadn't noticed the wedding band. Then again, he had other things on his mind and, unlike Sirtis, didn't have a reason to manipulate them to his advantage.

The commander was never good at relaying emotions, especially through words. It was rare occasion when he'd even try, but telling Cid how appreciative he was towards him and how some debts can never be repaid… those thoughts needed to be spoken.

"Headmaster… Cid, I'll always appreciate everything you've done for me – not just at Garden but at the orphanage. You've seen me at my best and you've seen me at my worst. I know you believe that my full potential can only be reached at Garden, but that's not the kind of potential I want to achieve. Honestly, I can't say I ever wanted to be headmaster, but it was the only potential I could see in front of me. But now, I want the future that's uncertain – the one that I still need to discover on my own. Am I making a mistake? Maybe. But the fact is that nobody knows the future – but this is my chance to create the one I want to live in."

"I suppose it is, son… I suppose it is. And no matter how much I tried to deny it, I knew this day was inevitable. I'm getting older and it's becoming harder to let go… but that shortcoming is completely my own. The fact is - I've been lucky enough to still have five of my wards still at one Garden. Besides Ellone and Seifer, my family is close enough to watch over. But again, that's my failing – even family has to move out of the nest sometime and spread their wings. Garden has been my life but I can't expect to be all of yours."

There was something implied that Rinoa latched onto, as if this had been preordained. "You always knew… didn't you?"

"…That Squall would leave? No, not for sure. But I did know that a sorceress and knight will always find a way back to each other if it was truly meant to be. If a bond is solid, it's nearly impossible to break. But if either of you wavered before it formed completely, let's just say that we'd all be stepping into the unknown."

"_Wavered?_" Squall asked cynically, "You make it sound like I can't decide what lunchmeat to use on my sandwich. I understand that may be your interpretation, but it certainly isn't mine."

Rinoa blinked a few times before glancing at Squall. She had to wonder if Zell had subconsciously started to influence them a little too much.

"I love Edea with all my heart, but what we've gone through… I couldn't put someone I cared about through that kind of emotional hell." It was impossible to hide the sheer amount of pain, he wouldn't even try. "Kids, we all have things we struggle with… and I'm no different. I've never admitted this to anyone, but _maybe _the healing process would have been different if I had. I failed Edea. Not only that, I did much, much worse – I _resented_ her. I blamed her for the position she'd put me in... for the position she'd put you children in. The thought of Squall going through that… I couldn't. Just couldn't."

Not being able to carry out his duty had been his greatest nightmare but, when it came to pass, being human was his greatest fault.

"I know it's hard to understand, but that resentment can grow. It changes you and taints the bond that's trying to form. When that happens, it's the equivalent of poison running through your veins."

The headmaster's choice of words truly was chilling. Rinoa and Squall shared the same thoughts, yet neither could voice them.

"And that poison… it's something beyond any words. It's extreme highs and lows; it's being burned by ice and fire until your body screams to give in. Then one day it's just _gone_ and there's just emptiness… and regret. That was the moment I knew Edea had gone too far – the woman I loved was someone else's vessel. I had failed. I was young and believed I could split my duties between Garden and Edea, but I could never strike that perfect balance. I wasn't strong enough… I wasn't even strong enough to see past my own weakness. …And when I saw myself in Squall, saw that pain and that conflict… it felt like I was reliving my failures through him. I knew how quickly things had progressed between the two of you. And yet all I could see was Rinoa as a sorceress who held enormous power, but was still too naïve and inexperienced to wield it."

He shifted his head towards Rinoa. "What happened during the Esthar mission… well, it was easier to think it was because Squall was your knight rather than because he was fallible. If there had even been the slightest chance the bond was tainted - I needed you to leave. Even if it did mean misleading both of you, I believed that the further you two were away from each other, the better chance he had."

"Me?" Squall said in disbelief, "You were afraid that your past mistakes would repeat themselves and that, just maybe, Rinoa was unknowingly manipulating me? So your solution to that was to _knowingly_ manipulate both of us? That logic, hell I don't..."

Shaking his head, the commander recalled his earlier conversation with Sirtis about playing games – that was exactly what Cid had done three years ago. Even if it was to protect him, Squall knew that he had deserved the truth way before now. Yet he never questioned, followed blindly even – he truly was too close to the flame to see ashes around him.

"I couldn't explain right away because – one way or another – my opinions might have influenced your thoughts. If you didn't resent Rinoa, any insinuations on my part would have planted that seed. But whether you did or not, it was better to separate the two of you regardless. The truth is you started down that road on your own – you already blamed her. That anger you felt towards her would have only magnified. Right then, I couldn't say why that mission had gone astray but, once the seed of doubt would have been planted, it could have been deadly for not only you, but for her too."

"So, why not tell me later? A year, two? When you knew I'd fucked up because I was human and not because my girlfriend was a sorceress, didn't I deserve the truth then? Or were you afraid that I'd just up and leave my command position? Sometimes it felt as if you only cared about the figurehead on Garden's posters, not the person I am inside."

The headmaster didn't have to be a mind reader to know how this was going to go over. If anything, he was surprised at how restrained Squall had been.

"I've always cared about you… probably too much. Squall, your problems might not have been because Rinoa was a sorceress, but she_ was_ part of them. There were many compounding factors and while even you understand your relationship was shaky back then, it came across as toxic at times to myself and others. The reason I didn't tell you later was because I felt that bringing up the past would only disturb what you had built. You were moving forward, your career was thriving, and you even had a steady girlfriend – drudging up old ghosts could only make you regress."

The headmaster gestured towards the sorceress, "And Rinoa - you too had an established career. It didn't seem fair to either of you. But… you're right. That was never my call to make, I'll admit that. But you're here, you're together, and I can sense a difference. Call it a knight's intuition, but I believe that both of you are ready for this relationship. Personally, I do believe it's moving a tad quick but, as you said, it's your choice. So the only thing I can do is wish you and Miss Heartilly well."

"Mrs. Leonhart," Squall corrected as he tenderly squeezed Rinoa's hand.

Cid looked surprised. "You're engaged? That's _sudden_…"

"…Then you're really not going to like this," Rinoa said with a faux-smile as she kept her eyes planted to the ground.

Squall cleared his throat, hoping she didn't elaborate. It was obvious that she still wasn't overly thrilled with Cid, but that seemed rather mutual. Then again, after his next words, he doubted that the headmaster would be none too pleased with him either.

"No sir, we're not engaged." He lifted their joined hands, showing his ring. "We're married."

At first, the headmaster thought this was some joke – it had to be. He rubbed his chin, thinking about the situation as a superior first and a friend second, or rather, like family. Sadly, neither part of him found that he could be overjoyed

"Okay. All right then."

When Squall didn't respond, Rinoa wondered whether or not to say anything. It wasn't much of a shock when nothing really substantial came to mind; the real shock would have been if something substantial _had_, though she doubted that any such words even existed. So instead, she said the first random thing that popped into her head - another side-effect of spending too much time with their enthusiastic van-mate.

"Sir… you know how I sorta inherited all his money? We decided it was easier to get married because it saved a ton of paperwork for him to get it back… and, ah, you know how Squall hates paperwork… hates it a lot."

When Cid looked at her, she wished to god she had just shut up. Why she said that she had no idea. Then, all at once, he smiled, breaking out into full-blown laughter soon after.

"You do hate paperwork, son. That you do."

He shrugged indifferently. "I don't know anyone who actually_ likes_ it."

"True, very true." Cid stood up, patting Squall on the back. "I know what to get you two as a wedding present then – a paper-shredder seems more than appropriate."

This wasn't an overly-emotional exchange by any means. Squall knew that the headmaster still believed that this was a bad idea and he also knew that Cid and Rinoa would always remain distant and that this was as good as it would get – he would take it. He would also take a paper shredder since, besides the coffee maker, it was easily the most-fitting gift.

* * *

After the headmaster left, it didn't take long for the three to return to their earlier positions. The only exception being Rinoa, who no longer attempted to sleep – that dream crashed when Cid walked through the door. In a strange way, his visit had caused the most unexpected cleansing effect as she felt reinvigorated. Her reasons might not have been the best, but they certainly increased her determination to see this through.

There also had been another contribution to the general upswing - one big enough to put their collective mood ahead of the unconscious Blobra's. Laguna had done a quick check-in on them after the headmaster left. Not only did the President stop by but, in Rinoa's mind, he was like the dashing knight from his movie. His knight-dom didn't come by defeating a 'lifelike' paper-maché dragon. No, he achieved this status by setting forth on a not-so-epic quest. Searching the great expanse of the kingdom, or maybe just by asking someone for a phonebook, he recovered three key items. There was no doubt her metaphor had bypassed overkill and skipped directly into absurd by now – again, she blamed Zell – but she was at that point where everything became a little silly.

Still, she was very appreciative of Laguna because not only did he get a Dollet-style pizza for everyone and pills for her headache but, most importantly, he heroically saved the damsel by bringing her a gigantic, kick-ass bar of chocolate. Then again, she was starting to believe that the medicine might have been a little kick-ass too. It could have been the pure exhaustion talking but, whatever it was, it all made being on house-arrest a much more tolerable experience.

His appearance was brief, but appreciated. They had all taken a plate of pizza back in their respective seats, exchanging only a few words. Rinoa found herself purposely eating slowly, she couldn't stop thinking about her earlier statement to Squall – maybe she truly was more a hindrance than a help. The two SeeDs didn't seem to share that problem as they had both adapted well into their roles. Squall divided his attention between skimming files and running searches on his computer. She noticed that every so often, Squall would jot something onto paper without looking down. His hidden talent was rather impressive; if she'd tried to write without looking, it would be nothing more than illegible Chocobo scratches.

Sighing, Rinoa tried to think of the best place to start without asking the guys. She wanted to come up with at least one thing on her own. Picking up pen and paper, she glanced over to Zell. There was always that on the slim chance that, besides passing as a court jester earlier, he could also be her creative muse, although if she considered that last thought, it was a completely terrifying prospect. Then again, if she had known that_ his_ muse had been channeled in the form of an unconscious Blobra, she might have felt a little better… or a lot worse.

As for the martial artist, he was following up on an earlier suggestion with his usual flare. While scouring videos posted by outside sources, he leaned back in his chair, balancing it on two legs again. His skill was slightly less impressive than Squall's, but the man truly had taken chair-balancing to a new art form.

Flicking a black olive from her pizza, she realized how much she hated her habit of procrastination – not only was it her 'skill,' it was something that she had successfully escalated into an art. She set her half-eaten slice down and wiped her hands before picking up a nearby notebook and pen. The blank sheet of notebook paper taunted her when all her different thoughts suddenly intersected on one subject – all those missed calls. Powering down her phone didn't help; it simply wasn't a case of out of sight, out of mind as she was feeling trapped between so many lies.

So while the two guys wrote down a list of suspects, or whatever they were doing, she wrote down her own list - all the names of the people she was deceiving in one way or another. When this was over, she was going to personally apologize to each and every one of them. She already knew they would say it wasn't necessary, but it was to her.

To her surprise, the person that headed the list wasn't necessarily the most obvious, but he was the most personal - her father. She wasn't going to apologize for her actions per se to him – she stood by those decisions with every fiber of her being – but she did want to offer an explanation and make whatever amends were possible. Even if Caraway would never respect her choice about marrying Squall, Rinoa found that she respected him enough to break the news to him in person.

After writing down her father, the others began to flow naturally and within a blink of an eye, two-thirds of the page had been filled. The paper put it all in perspective. Silently, she sat in awe at how many lives had been touched by this lie and this was just _her_ list; she couldn't begin to fathom what Garden's looked like. She doubted Cid would go door-to-door to deliver personal apologies, but a mass email certainly wasn't going to cut it either. Damage control would be an uphill battle in the upcoming months and she feared that Squall would be dragged into the undertow.

Setting the notebook down, she looked back to her court jester-slash-muse. She only looked at him and not Squall because from her angle, she could get a partial view of the videos he was watching, although the sound was muted. It was a global news feed that had aired hours after the shooting, one that was all too familiar. Even without her own headset, she recalled the woman's chilling words that had sent her into shock. The words that made Zone do everything within his power just to help her to regain focus.

"I saw that." She didn't know why she announced it, as the statement was more for herself. Still, in the memories of that night, she felt as if admitting that aloud was a step toward healing.

Squall glanced between Zell's monitor and her, but didn't openly speak. He wanted to, but he was still dealing with his own guilt. He hated that he caused her that much pain; even now, the look on her face didn't mask a damn thing.

With only one ear covered with an earpiece, Zell was a tad more encouraging than his counterpart. Taking off his wires, he set them in front of him. He turned back, giving her a compassionate look. "Sorry, Rin. I was just trying to catch up on stuff from that day. Still… I know finding out like that it must have been hard."

"It was." She smiled. "But you have no need to apologize; you have nothing to be sorry for. Honestly, I'm not sure why I even said it… I just sort of _did_."

"That's kinda my life's motto." He laughed. "Although, I'm not even sure why I'm watching the later news reports. I'm sure the shooter was long gone. Unfortunately, I don't think they'd be randomly holding up a sign in the background saying, 'Hey, it was me!'"

"It would be helpful if they did. Would make my job a hell of a lot easier." Squall shot back without glancing up.

"Awww, come on man… then we'd miss your brevity and wit."

Squall stopped writing, the comment finally causing him to look up. Cocking an eyebrow at Zell, he had to ask. "Brevity?"

"Yeah, a word-of-the-day calendar Alex got me. …Although I haven't flipped it from January 1st yet. I figure you can't rush learning."

"Of course not."

Squall had no idea what unknown force had compelled him to ask; history had proven that nine times out of ten, the answer would lead to even more confusing questions. Still, as long as they had started a dialog, no matter how disjointed, it was a good time to see if Zell had an actual plan or if he was just winging it.

"So you're starting with the news reports?"

The martial artist remained skillfully balanced on two chair legs. "Me? Yeah… I'm not sure what for exactly… Um, I just clicked the first thing I saw and have played link-tag ever since. I did decide to only focus on network feeds, but suppose I should leap-frog it back to the beginning… Maybe start with when the first station broke the story. I guess starting there and moving forward would be the better plan, right? Although, I'm sure it'll go the speed of a Tonberry waist-deep in syrup but I guess my calendar magically freed up for the next however long. So, yeah, that's my plan… I really did have one; I just had to think about it. Oh yeah, and after all that, I'm hitting that site where you can post your own videos."

Pausing, he winked before tossing a grin at Rinoa. "Not talking about the site where Irvine has his lifetime VIP platinum membership… I meant the other amateur one."

She gave him a stony glare. "…Please tell me you're kidding."

"Ah Rin, you know that you totally love me we totally get each other… So, henceforth, don't try to play all innocent and act like you don't know what I'm talking about, I know better. I'm sure if we searched your computer history, we'd find some very _interesting _information about the newly-crowned Mrs. Leonhart."

"I'm not even going to dignify that," she said curtly while attempting to throw him a disgusted look – unfortunately, an attempt that failed miserably.

Still balancing on his chair, he looked towards his counterpart with a victorious smirk. "Squall, notice how the word 'no' miraculously never escaped her lips? I think you have yourself quite the little minx. Congrats."

"And I think you're putting way too much thought into our private life."

"Geesh, touchy… but really, it's not like I have to put that much imagination into it. Remember I _did_ get some juicy details firsthand when you two geniuses forgot that Rinoa's mic was on in the van…"

While balancing, he covered his heart with his hands and looked towards the ceiling rather melodramatically. "…Alas, it is for that very reason I'll forever be scarred every time I see a poor, defenseless lawn chair in the rain."

Rinoa pursed her lips, before coving her mouth. It took all her willpower just to keep from laughing out loud. Her Rinoa-esque faux pas still made her cheeks blush and it definitely wasn't something that would be easily forgotten – Zell would make sure of that. Looking over to her husband, she was rather surprised that he seemed only moderately annoyed which, on a sliding Squall-scale, was quite impressive.

After that, they returned to work but the mood was far more peaceful. It wasn't perfect, but it was tolerable. This continued for another good hour or so with only the slightest bouts of conversation - mostly an errant comment here, a random question there, or something else that could be answered with a few words. Squall continued detailing his missions, Zell with his news clips, and Rinoa… Well, she decided to search for any archived news articles that may have been relevant. At least, that's what she tried to convince herself she was doing, but… she often found herself drifting back to the names written on her list.

It was well past nine but, without a window, time seemed to be nothing more than an abstract number. It wasn't surprising that they were still there. Squall recalled many nights he had worked well into the hours of the morning and, if he left at all, he didn't expect this to deviate from that pattern. It's not like they really had to go anyway – it'd simply be from one makeshift jail to another, although their other cell had a separate room for their rather depraved third-wheel.

As for Zell, he had seen so many news broadcasts by now that he was able to invent fifty-three separate drinking games from watching this crap. If he had taken a shot every time a reporter mentioned their 'unknown sources,' said the words 'off the record,' or claimed their station had the ever-popular 'exclusive,' he would have most likely died from alcohol poisoning… or went unconscious like his good ol' friend the Blobra.

He knew he had hours more to go, but he honestly needed a break. Maybe looking at some amateur footage of the day would prove less grating; he highly doubted that the alternative could be much worse. He tried to think back to something that stood out that day. Well, besides the part where a bullet ripped through layers of his skin and muscle by a copycat with lousy aim… or the other part where his best friend traumatically bled out in his arms to within a breath of his life. Something along those lines though just a _bit _less harrowing. Then, to quote Rinoa, 'it hit him like a ton of Chocobo feathers.'

Zell immediately went to the public video site and typed in a few key words. When he hit enter, he stared at the screen, completely dumbfounded. There were literally pages and pages, and pages, and, well, _pages _of results. There was no way he could keep this discovery to himself.

"Holy Ifrit on a stick… Seriously? Who knew if I ran a search on Mrs. Dobe _this _many crazy videos would show up?"

In unison, both Squall and Rinoa deadpanned, "Me." They looked at each other as Rinoa giggled softly, smiling at her husband.

"_Oooo-kay_ then," Zell exaggerated, shaking his head at his two friends; he thought it would take at least a few months before they would do that creepy-couple thing. Apparently not.

"Thanks for the answers guys, although it was more rhetorical anyways. I suppose the better question would've been, 'how many _normal_ videos of Flo do you think are posted on the on the net?'"

Rinoa tapped the end of her pen on the paper as she thought. "Normal? That's a tough one… but even a stopped clock is right twice a day and all that jazz. So, I'd say that out of the likely thousands upon thousands of videos posted, I'll go with… maybe twelve, thirteen, um? Fourteen. That's my final answer - fourteen are _normal_."

As she answered, she placed the end of her pen in her mouth, giving her husband a confident smirk.

"You're giving her way too much credit." Squall briefly glanced up from the computer long enough to dispute his wife. "I'd say a half-dozen at the most."

With his mind still reeling with all the inaccuracies of the news reports and the general puffery of the media, Zell had desperately needed a break. The way both Rinoa and Squall had made their respective guesses with the intent of one-uping each other gave him an idea. He didn't say that it was a good idea, but it was an idea nonetheless; one that would hopefully put that Blobra in their rear-view mirror.

"Bzzzt! I'm sorry contestants but you're both incorrect," Zell said energetically. "The answer we were looking for was _two_. But fear not, you can still earn enough points with the final bonus question."

The martial artist finally put all four legs of the chair down after maintaining his balance, straight, for at least thirty minutes. Scanning the desk area, he spotted a stapler sitting on a small shelf. Getting to his feet, he grabbed it and then placed it in his hand, turning his new prop into a cordless microphone.

He was determined to have some fun and was going to play this for all it was worth. With an overly-cheesy smile plastered to his face, he turned slightly stage left and acted as if he was addressing a home audience.

"Welcome back from commercial break! The score remains tied and you can _literally _taste the excitement in the air. For the home audience, excitement strangely tastes like coconut cream pie. …And I have no earthly idea why that was the first thing that popped into my mind, but not terrible shocked that it involved pie. Pie is good, remember that at home viewers."

He took a few steps forward with his 'mic.' "Now, before we get to the final question, we just want to remind both contestants that this will be a grueling battle for completely worthless prizes. But there's always bragging rights and of course the winner's dignity will remain intact… maybe. So, let's find out who will claim top-honors today on Fisherman's Horizon's highest-rated game show about the mayor and his wife… The game show that is loved around the world, FH's own… _Do-be or not to Do-be."_

"Clever, very clever word play," Rinoa interrupted, laughing fully at this point.

"Hush now girl, you just ruined my 'Flo' of awesomeness-ness."

"Gah, bad Zell, very bad pun – no cookie for you." Rinoa groaned, flipping the pen she had been holding directly at the show's host. After a pun that bad, he needed to be whacked with something.

"Feisty little contestant, aren't we?" The emcee was trying to keep a straight face, raising an accusatory eyebrow in her direction. "That little stunt just gave your husband ten bonus points for not manhandling the host."

"…Manhandling?" Her laughter became almost painful as she held her stomach. Maybe they had all reached that point where the simplest things seemed beyond hysterical – she sure as hell knew she had. "Zell…_ that_ word… _that_ word doesn't mean what you think it means."

"According to a few sordid rumors on Garden Square - Zell seems to know the definition of manhandling quite well."

"Oh my god!" Rinoa covered her mouth, falling onto the couch. By this time, her laugh had turned into an unfortunate snort. It was just Squall's deadpan delivery that made the comment so damn perfect.

Zell's face was turning red as he was trying hard not to fall into hysterics himself. He needed to regain control of his 'television' show before its untimely cancellation. "Okay, okay! Score update, Commander Dork just gave his wife one hundred bonus points for… being a dork!"

Somehow, Rinoa managed to pull herself back up into a sitting position. She was thankful that any tears this time were the product of pure, unadulterated laughter. At that point, she could see the prize within her reach and decided that rather than winning gracefully, she'd rather stick her tongue out at her husband, taking their 'rivalry' to the next level.

"You're going down SeeD-boy. I'm ahead by ninety points."

Unfazed, Squall reached down and took a pen off the table. With an effortless flick of the wrist, he tossed it across the room and hit Zell squarely in the chest.

"Hey, wait a minute… what was that for!"

"I was helping my wife get an even one-hundred point lead. That way, I can triumphantly come from behind and kick her ass with a single question - making my victory that much more satisfying. Plus, you've been annoying the fuck out of me for the last two weeks."

"Tch, everyone's feisty today." Zell then covered the 'microphone' with his hand as he scolded the commander. "Language, we're a family show that's why Irvine was preemptively banned from the studio set. And, until you kiddies learn it's not nice we throw things at other people, I'm confiscating your pens as collateral."

As he bent down to retrieve both pens off of the floor, Rinoa used the opportunity to stick her tongue out at the host. Squall chuckled to himself. Honestly, his mindset was the same as hers. All three were tired and had reached that point where they just couldn't concentrate any more. Right now, there was nothing else to do but laugh; it became their only saving grace.

Zell returned to his seat, placing his loot on the desk. Picking up his microphone, he quickly went back into character, speaking in the most obnoxious 'game show' host voice he could muster.

"Welcome back _again _home viewers! We're glad you made it through the unplanned commercial break… technical difficulties and all that. But now… _now_ is the moment we've all been waiting for with baited breath - we're going to decide this week's winner of _Do-be or not Do-be._ The score is close, currently in the lead with 110 points, sorceress extraordinaire, Rinoa 'whip cream and strawberries' Leonhart. She's followed closely by Commander Anti-social, Squall 'I may be a zombie' Leonhart with a whopping ten points."

Setting down the stapler, he reached for his laptop and clicked on a specific picture. It didn't take long before a large image of Mayor Dobe filled the monitor. "Okay, I'll have you both direct your attention to the screen. As anyone can attest, our mayor has a clothing style that's often hailed as 'completely his own.' So here's the final question for all the guts and glory - how many floral and tropical-print shirts does Mayor Dobe own?"

He hummed a few bars of random notes, giving them time to mull over the answer. He first turned to Rinoa, "Sorceress, as you're in the lead, you have earned the right to answer first."

"Man the pressure," she joked, wiping her forehead. Then, with a finger in the air, she pretended to be solving a math problem. "Taking the fact that there are seven days in a week, fifty two weeks in a year, and well, ten years in a decade… if we add those and then multiply by hours in the day and then divide by… well, it doesn't matter because it still means _absolutely _nothing! So, yeah, someone once told me the answer to the universe is always forty two. So… that's what I'm going with – he owns forty-two floral print shirts."

"Very good guess! Now to the guy that, if he was turned into a zombie, nobody would even know the difference – Mr. Braaiinns."

Squall couldn't believe he was playing along with this. There was so much left to do on the case, but nothing about that made sense – not that Zell's game did either. Yet, this was a moment just to forget about the piles of folders in front of him or his incomplete list of missions but, most of all, he did it just to hear Rinoa laugh. He had missed that so much, so he would take this hit on his pride to see her laugh.

And with the answer he was about to give, his pride was most definitely going to take a massive blow. He truly hoped she knew how difficult these words were to even utter.

"First, this is a trick question. Unfortunately, my wife failed to see this fact… rookie mistake. To understand a Dobe, you must think like a Dobe. So the correct answer is zero. Mayor Dobe does not own any shirts because he does not believe in possessions or material objects and thinks that no one thing can be 'owned' - from pets to the most gaudy floral print shirts on this planet. In fact, Mayor Dobe doesn't have a closet - rather he has a free-range option for storing clothing. This way, the shirts can then be free from the oppression of hangers and washing machines."

That was it; Zell had finally lost it with the idea of 'free-range' storage. He had to set the computer down before he ended up dropping it as getting a bill for breaking Esthar's technology was something he'd rather not have to explain to the headmaster.

"You-you win," he managed through the laughter, "You _sooo_ win. I'm actually a little concerned how well you think like a Dobe."

"It's downright eerie," Rinoa interjected as she tried desperately to catch her breath.

Zell had managed to sober himself from his laughter-induced state at least enough to make an interesting observation. "Guess it's a good thing we found out about Laguna. If not we might've started to suspect that Squall was the Dobes' love child."

With that mental image, Rinoa broke out into another fit of laughter. It increased to such a point that her attempts to breathe and laugh simultaneously came out as a rather undignified series of snorts. Pointing to her husband, she haphazardly managed, "Squall… shirts… floral print… free-range… Squall Dobe… help… help me."

Squall tried to keep up his façade, but it was an act Rinoa and Zell easily saw through. They could tell that he was enjoying this, even if it was at his own expense, but he would continue to play along for them.

"You two seem to forget that I'm a highly-trained professional, a chameleon of sorts… easily adapting into any situation."

"I can see it now." Zell put his palms in the air, acting as if he was framing a camera shot. "Squall the chameleon, selling vacation timeshares in FH. I can see the brochure now - there you are with a spray-on tan, donning your Dobe-inspired tropical print shirt, khaki shorts, straw hat, and to top it off – _the __pièce de résistance__** – **_socks with sandals."

Rinoa thought she was going to pass out right then; never in her life had she remembered laughing to the point of lightheadedness. Feeling woozy, she attempted to take a sip of her pop, which unfortunately ended up backfiring. She ended up choking as drinking and breathing concurrently proved difficult.

Who knew that picturing her husband in socks and sandals could be deadly if not under proper supervision? However, it was a life lesson that none of them would soon forget. Still gasping for breath, she hadn't noticed that Squall was there until she felt his hand on her back.

He sat on the arm of the couch as he continued to rub her back. After she calmed down, he looked in her direction, giving a small, private smile. Zell had been laughing too, not exactly to the same extent as Rinoa, but it felt invigorating just to have a few minutes of asinine stupidity without having to worry about the consequences.

Zell's chair was still facing Rinoa and Squall, but his body was slightly turned as he was searching through the videos. The sheer volume of videos posted about the Dobes truly was astronomical. That couple was truly… _something_.

When the laughter had subsided, Zell made a few observations as he was skimming through the on-line videos. Still, some of the descriptions alone were enough to make him side-eye the couple forever.

"You know, after looking at these videos, I think that Squall's answer was just a lucky guess or, as he pointed out, it based on personal insight because of his highly-trained awesomeness-ness. Wait, wait, sorry… that's me. That's _so _me." Looking directly at her, he gave her another wry wink. "Honestly, I was going to add that, besides being highly-trained and entirely awesome, I just may be the hunkiest-hunk to ever walk on this planet. It's just… well, taking into account current male company, I didn't want to bruise any fragile egos. But that dreamy look in your eyes tells me everything I need - you know_ exactly_ what I'm saying. Don't ya, Rinny?"

To her credit, she didn't encourage him, but she did wish she had another pen to toss in his direction or maybe an entire gross.

"Are you actually trying to say something or just trying to hit on my wife?"

It was said in good fun. Squall understood their dynamic, no matter how slightly odd it seemed to him. He had a feeling that Zell and Rinoa would always have a special bond after this – all three of them would.

"Can't it be both?" Zell replied with a bit of a smirk just to goad the commander, "Nah, I did have point in here, um, somewhere… maybe? Oh yeah, I remember… What I was saying is - now that I've gotten a more up close and personal glimpse into the escapades of our dear Dobes, I'm feeling rather confident that Squall's not their love child. If they had one…. it would definitely be someone much more Selphie-like. Well, besides the part where she loves blowing stuff to smithereens… as that part doesn't exactly gel. Still, if you take that whole thing Selphie said about peace, love, friendship… or peace, family, kittens, apple pies or whatever random words she decided to string together for the occasion, it's very Dobe-like. I'm just saying, out of everyone we know, who else would fit in with people so… weird? I mean, tell me you can't totally see Selphie dressing up as a tree like Flo did."

"She would, _she so would_." Rinoa easily agreed. "You know, I don't think Selphie would even need to protest anything, she'd just dress that way for the fun of it – or to irritate Irvine."

"You heard about that?" Squall asked. Then again, he shouldn't be surprised as Flo Dobe was a subject that many people had talked about. Her methods might have been unorthodox, but he couldn't argue with the results.

"Yeah, remember Zell told me all about when we were back in Timber? Told me about her dressing in brown, green hair, yadda, yadda."

"No, no, no…" Zell raised his hand up to correct her as she was dismissing that abomination _way too_ easily. It became obvious that he would have to prove his case with video evidence. "Rinoa, I promise that _hearing_ about it is one thing, but seeing it is quite another. I do believe you're underestimating the pure gravity of her performance."

Getting up, Squall offered his hand as he helped her stand. "Rin, it pains me to admit, but Zell's right."

"That hurt, didn't it?" Zell couldn't help but gloat over his minor victory.

Like a professional, Squall ignored him, speaking only to Rinoa. "Just watch the video. I'm not one for words which, in this case, is fortunate. …If it hadn't been for my getting shot, this would've likely been the headline story. Trust me."

General Caraway had raised her to know that certain things were better left to the imagination. Somehow Rinoa believed that adage would hold true here. Her father's wisdom might not have been meant for a situation like this, having obviously implied something _far_ different, but Rinoa believed that it could be taken as sound advice across the board. Unfortunately for her, Zell and Squall believed otherwise. They found the strangest things to agree on.

Zell sat at the desk as they all gathered around his computer. It didn't take Zell long to find what he was looking for and quickly hit start before Rinoa had the chance to come to her senses and run. For added effect, he turned the sound up and expanded the screen so it could be viewed in its high definition, full screen glory.

Squall stood behind Rinoa, his arms circled around her waist, their hands meeting in front. She wondered if was a loving gesture or just to ensure that any escape plans were thwarted - maybe a smidgen of both. She could easily see as she rested against him but, as soon as the image appeared on the screen, she truly wished she could unsee.

"Bright green hair and brown, skintight unitard – hot right?" Zell sarcastically asked. It was like some unspoken macabre force kept his eyes glued to the screen – either that or he truly was a masochist considering that the first time was traumatizing enough.

"That really is… skin tight." The sorceress found herself trapped in the same gravitational pull that had ensnared Zell. Sadly, no spell could break this insufferable curse. She watched as the figure in brown walked directly under the building's large rotunda. Several members of the World Council also seemed to be caught in Mrs. Dobe's orbit and were unable to look away.

The camera had panned slightly, enough for her to see Squall and Zell in their dress uniforms standing next to the Balamb officials. They were in the back, but she would know Squall anywhere and Zell was rather easy to pick out of crowd too. She really couldn't see their expressions, although she could easily venture a guess. They were out of the shot just as quickly as the camera centered on Flo.

Rinoa had to say it, because well… it had to be said. It was hard to pry her eyes from the screen but she managed to do it for a few seconds. Craning her neck, she looked back at her husband.

Feigning concern, her voice was hushed and somber. "Squall, you need to be honest with me. Please, it might hurt for a while, but all I've ever wanted is your happiness. I see what's on the screen… and it pains me to admit this but, I know I never can compete - you're only human. I promise you, I won't be jealous or vindictive, but if you feel it's best to annul our marriage, please… I need to know. You're a man. She's a tree. It's a love story as old as time."

His stoic expression didn't change, face remaining forward. Squall's silence betrayed his contemplation and only his eyes darted between Rinoa and the monitor. The camera then zoomed into a shot of her face and upper body. In that moment, all became clear; he knew exactly what needed to be said.

"Rinoa, we all have to know our limitations… and I understand it's impossible to compete with that – no mortal woman could. But when I look at Flo Dobe, I notice something very important. It's the same thing that just about every man out there is thinking - she is very, very… cold."

"You didn't just… did you?" Rinoa thought she had put the laughter behind her, but it turned out that she was wrong. That comment was the last thing she had expected from Squall and judging from Zell's reaction, it was the last thing he expected too.

"My eyes, my brain! Damn you, Leonhart!" The martial artist had missed that 'pertinent detail' or perhaps it had been a case of selective amnesia for self-preservation, but now it was something else that his eyes could never unsee.

Thankfully, they were all saved as the camera followed her as she went to the ground. Rinoa had no idea what was happening; it looked as if she was curling into a ball on the marble floor. In all seriousness, she was a tad afraid. Scratch that – she was very afraid.

"Um..? What… is she doing? She's… just kind of laying there in the fetal position. And nobody is stopping her or I don't… just why?"

Squall chuckled as this was the part that he vividly remembered. "Actually, there's somewhat of a parallel here. Remember how you asked me about growing a tree from a sapling? I believe Flo is representing a seed but, barring that minor change, you'll have a new visual aid on the subject."

Grumbling, Zell became irritated at himself. "I shoulda made popcorn. I guess my pretzels will have to do - still needs beer. Actually, for what we're about to watch, I'll need something stronger than beer… hard alcohol, lots and _lots_ of alcohol."

There was an uncomfortable silence while Flo remained curled up on the floor. Zell remembered that this had gone on for what felt like an excruciatingly-long time. With the continuing break, he figured that he'd mention something that popped into his mind after their earlier conversation.

"So, while Flo's still… gestating or whatever seeds do in the ground, I'm going to offer you this pearl of wisdom. Remember the whole 'Dobe love child' joke from a few minutes ago? Okay, so go back five years ago, right before we kicked Ultimecia's ass, remember?"

"It rings a bell." Squall wasn't amused, fearing where this was going. With Zell at the helm, it could literally lead anywhere.

"Okay, just bear with me here… So, we're running around the world preparing and, Squall, you strangely decide it's the perfect time to build your Triple Triad card collection."

Squall was growing increasingly aggravated. "The cards refined into useful items. And as I recall, we all benefited."

"Geesh, don't get your boxers in a bunch… I'm not judging. What I'm saying is that you won your Quezacotl card from Mayor Dobe. That's all fine and good but think about this… you got your _Irvine_ card from Flo. Now… is it just me or should we stop and revisit that love child angle again, hmm?"

Rinoa started to giggle, now picturing Irvine in the gaudy floral shirts. Although if anyone of their group could have possibly pulled off socks with sandals, it might have been Irvine.

"I'm just sayin'." Zell shrugged as he looked at the commander. "Because Laguna did have your card and Caraway did have Rinoa's… So, makes you wonder why Flo had Irvine's? Or, for an even scarier thought, why did Cid have Seifer's… hmm?"

Squall opened his mouth to say something, but closed it as he drew a blank. He shook his head, trying to clear those thoughts. Thankfully, the subject was dropped as the main show began. He nudged Rinoa to look at the computer monitor. "You don't want to miss this. She's been apparently been… fertilized."

At that point, Flo 'grew,' depicting all the stages of a tree's life - at least that's from what Rinoa gathered. To further her statement, Mrs. Dobe unclasped her hair, which had been clasped back into a loose bun. Shaking her head, she attempted to emulate a tree's leaves blowing in the wind. Then again, maybe Rinoa was reading too much into it; the fact that she had followed the 'story' so far was scary in and of itself. Still, that didn't answer the real question at hand.

"What am I even watching?"

"Performance art. Use your imagination," Squall bluntly stated.

"As you just said, we have to know our limitations. …And I'm looking at mine."

"Still needs popcorn," Zell whined.

"..No, you hit it on the head with the alcohol part," Rinoa corrected. She didn't drink often and only had been drunk twice but, after seeing this, the idea of erasing this from her memory seemed very enticing.

"Lots and lots." Even Squall had to agree.

The performance reached its dramatic climax when she mimicked being chopped down by loggers. Rinoa stood aghast, as did most of the crowd.

Squall gently squeezed her hands as she finally managed to verbalize her thoughts to him. "Wow… that was, wow."

"Yeah, it was. She's definitely passionate about her beliefs. I can't really fault her for that."

She agreed. "I suppose not. It's admirable... in a way. I mean, you can tell she truly believes in what she's standing up for and doesn't care what people think. That alone takes a lot of conviction and, in her own way; she does draw attention to the subjects. People _are_ talking… that can't be denied." Bowing her head, she let out a weary sigh. "It's sad really… and I guess a bit ironic - both she and Sirtis have the same goals. They both want to bring about environmental awareness, but they both went about getting it in completely different ways."

"Understatement of the year," Zell added with a grunt. Still, even he had to agree. "Not to mention, they both chose some sort of extremes to get their message across…and least the only thing to die watching Flo was brain cells…. Still, there has to be a happy medium – one that gets the message across but, at the same time, is both unitard and gun free."

He then began scrolling down the long list of videos, too afraid to click on anything else for the time being. "But come on Rin, truth time - you gotta admit that image is going to stick with you a long, long time, right? I don't think hearing about it secondhand comes anywhere close to watching the video…. Then again, watching the video pales in comparison to seeing it live."

"Now _that's_ the understatement of the year," she replied sarcastically. "I mean, yeah I heard about it from more than one person, but I never exactly pictured… _that._ Guess that means you'll always be part of the chosen few – the lucky ones who saw it in person."

"Lucky?" Zell snickered, "Scarred, horrified, and revolted with nightmares worse than cheese-Abyss Worms, maybe. But I'm not positive the term 'lucky' is anywhere on that list, although I'm glad I found a video showing the grand entrance. I wanted you to vicariously share that sensation with us - that moment when your mind simultaneously screams 'awe' and 'eww.' The grand entrance was _grand_, that's for sure… unfortunately, it also made you want to poke your eyes out with sporks."

"Grand entrance… as in what? You guys seeing her for the first time or everyone?"

Rinoa almost sounded hurt; Zell hoped that he hadn't accidently offended her. "Rin, I'm sorry if I overstepped… I know Flo has the best intentions and all. And when I said 'grand entrance' I was just referring to the first time she wasn't in normal stuff… Well, normal for her as in blonde hair and actual clothes that didn't make you want to lose your lunch. Flo just wanted to make a bold statement. Can't argue that it didn't work."

Letting go of Squall's hands, she pushed away. Her expression was eerily similar to when she was placed in a trance, but this was on her own accord. As she took a step towards the monitor, Zell scooted back to give her space. The video had finished and the ending shot of Mrs. Dobe became more distant with the options to either replay or find suggestions popped up - she didn't want either. Without speaking, she bent in front of him and grabbed the mouse. Slowly, she scrolled through the flurry of comments. There were tons posted, none all too flattering.

The martial artist was rather uncomfortable as Rinoa continued to lean over him to use his computer. He had no idea what she was doing, if he should move, or exactly what was going on. He joked a lot but it was never serious and this position was rather cumbersome.

"She dyed her hair different colors every day?" Rinoa's words weren't really a question, nor a statement. In fact, the two SeeDs thought she might have been unwittingly thinking out loud.

Finding himself an increasingly-precarious situation, Zell leaned back even further. Rinoa seemed to be invading his personal space even more so and now had basically trapped him in place. She still hadn't noticed, although Zell was fairly certain that Squall had. He glanced apologetically to his friend as he did his best not to look at Rinoa because of the awkward angle she was leaning and the eye-level gap in her shirt. Truthfully, this really must have been something important for her to be so oblivious to her current position.

The commander shook his head only once, signaling that he was equally as confused by his wife's actions.

Still unsure what her words meant, Zell thought if he gave some sort of answer she might remember that he still was _very closely_ there. "Yeah, you're right, Flo did change her hair color daily. I mean, each time it was to represent a specific cause. Not so sure of the details right off, but I'm thinking on the second day it was dyed blue for the sky or ozone awareness or something along those lines. There was also red so… forest fires, maybe? I'm not exactly pos-"

She didn't care. Cutting him off, she stood up abruptly. "When was the green?"

Readjusting in the chair, Zell appreciated the return of his personal space. He didn't understand Rinoa's sudden attitude, but he was sure that there was a good reason; she wasn't the type to turn on a whim.

"When was it green? All day? I mean… I'm just guessing that it was all day… or are you asking was it green until she dyed it blue? We kind of got sidetracked around lunch time with the almost dying thing… Honestly, I don't know much more than what I saw firsthand. Does that answer anything?"

When he finished, she didn't seem to be any more satisfied with his response than he was. Then again, it was hard to answer correctly when he didn't exactly understand the question in the first place.

Rinoa remained impassive. And for that reason, Zell decided that he'd need to try again. Maybe if he said enough, he'd accidently stumble on the answer she was looking for. He was used to this temperament from Squall but, coming from Rinoa? It was completely unnatural.

"Okay… unless you're asking when did she first dye it, maybe? Because, yeah, it wasn't green in the morning. The summit itself was what I'd call 'disorganized-organization.' People were in different rooms, some didn't care about breaks and worked continuously, but the majority was the opposite. Most of those delegate guys wouldn't miss a minute of lunch or break so they could pat their own asses. I'm guessing that's what Flo was counting on…. She must have left before first break and dyed it then."

"Her hair was green," Rinoa stated out loud once more to no one in particular.

"Yes," Zell answered frankly. He then looked to Squall who was intently watching her.

"_She_ was in… and if she," she incoherently mumbled to herself, "…in person."

"Rinoa?" Squall reached out to touch her shoulder, but she flinched and backed away.

"Don't," she warned sternly. The reaction was instinctual but, as soon as she snapped, she felt bad even if she couldn't vocalize that in an apology.

She had to get away. She was tired, worn down, and to a point where nothing made sense. It was easy to jump to conclusions when jumping was the only thing she had known for the last two weeks.

She glanced at the coffee table and then back to Squall. One was the right answer and the other was the easy one. It was selfish as hell but, she was feeling too sick to rationalize at the moment. She darted across the room to the table. Ripping the top sheet from the notebook, she hurriedly stuffed it into her jeans' pocket. Trying to keep herself from falling apart, she needed to put distance between herself and the world, if only for a few minutes. Physically, she didn't even have the coordination to grab her phone without incident. The back of her hand collided with the pizza plate, flipping it and the mostly-eaten piece of pizza onto the ground. She didn't try to pick it up as with her luck, she'd probably end up making even bigger spectacle of herself.

And so she headed to the door, without a single glance backward. The only thought in her mind was she needed to clear her head; she needed to convince herself that her jumbled thoughts were completely wrong. As she opened the door, she managed a broken 'need air' under her breath, but had no idea if it was heard. Squall wouldn't go after her – he couldn't. She hated the fact that she was using his situation to her advantage, but it was an advantage that she felt forced to take.

 

 


	32. Time's Arrow and Rocks and Shoals

 

* * *

**Chapter Eighty-Three: Time's Arrow**

* * *

 

The halls resembled the majority of the Estharian continent – cold and barren. Rinoa had no idea what part of the building she was in nor did she particularly care. Security seemed to either be overlooking her presence or were unaware of it, though the latter seemed doubtful. The building remained partially under construction as metal scaffolding and paint lined several of the smaller corridors.

Her mind and sense of direction had found common ground – both were hopelessly traveling in circles. She didn't want to run into anyone, pleasantries were the furthest thing from her mind and about the furthest thing she was capable of. She did her best to be left alone, casually falling into an avoidance pattern whenever she saw a person down the hall; her strategy was proven to be surprisingly successful. Once again, she found herself questioning if this owed to luck, skill, design - maybe a splash of all three.

Whatever. They were leaving her alone and that was the only thing she gave a damn about.

Part of her life was collapsing and, in its wake, she could feel her body giving in. There was no point to fight. She'd already surrendered to the constant chill as her body trembled. With each step, she fought to keep the contents of her stomach contained. Inevitably, that was going to soon prove to be a losing battle, _very_ soon. Not much was registering, but she did recall passing a statue towering over a marble and glass fountain at least three times. At least her mind was capable of retaining something useful, remembering a women's lounge in an adjacent hallway. Quickening her pace, she found herself in the midst of making a mad-dash to the restroom. The surroundings were nothing more than a blur as she sprinted inside; it was all she could do to make it to the toilet, not even bothering to close the stall door.

When she was done, she sat on the floor, knees to her chest and fresh tears trailing down her cheeks. She knew she didn't have to go through this alone, but she _needed_ to. In all honesty, she wasn't even positive; there wasn't even proof - solid or otherwise – and that made her guilt even worse. It made her sick that loyalty, itself, was being tested on the singular premise of Flo Dobe's hair color.

In fact, she wouldn't accuse anyone alone on ridiculous notion but, if it was so damned ridiculous, why was huddled on a bathroom floor, alone and hiding? One laughs at absurd theories and shares them with the others; one doesn't run – _unless –_ there was a sliver of doubt that feared the theory wasn't so absurd after all.

Using the side walls for support, she pulled herself to her feet - even standing had become a minor victory. It took a second or two to acclimate herself but, once she was fairly confident in her bearings, she reached into her pants' pocket and took out the list. In that moment, all her anger was directed at that single piece of notebook paper. There was nothing else as she completely immersed herself in its destruction, ripping and tearing it into shreds beyond what would be considered healthy. The act became a make-shift form of therapy, trying to release pain with every tear. The majority of the pieces had made it into the toilet and, without even bothering to look, she reached for the handle and unceremoniously flushed them.

It took a heavy dose of reality to find that she was being that 'idealistic amateur' again. She could see that. Honestly, she could see so much now… while still completely blind. She would apologize to some people in person, but that list was wishful thinking. In the bitterest form of irony imaginable, it appeared as if Squall wasn't the only one writing down a suspect list. Using the stall's dividing wall to prop up her body, she reached into her pocket again, this time to get her phone. Pressing the phone between her palms, she wanted to call someone, _anyone_, before she'd have to start to question her own sanity.

Clasping the phone a little tighter, she _knew_. There was no one.

Even if she wanted to talk this through with someone objectively – it wasn't exactly something she could drop on her friends or even hint at through casual conversation. Hell, none of them would begin to comprehend – it was impossible to explain a problem when part of that problem was 'dead.'

There was always Squall, but well… _she couldn't_. Not yet. It was far too shameful. Hell, maybe it was outright selfish or she was too weak. It didn't matter why – it simply couldn't happen yet. Zell would be _slightly _better option, but pulling him aside would just lead to more questions, especially after her rather graceless exit. The next logical choice would be Laguna. But she thought that he might be too close to give an unbiased opinion - maybe he could have if some time had passed, but time was not a luxury not afforded to her. Not to mention, the President was already buried under a landslide of bad news today. He certainly didn't need to be burdened with some far-fetched hypothesis solely based on a dancing tree's choice of hair color. Esthar's situation also knocked out Kiros and Ward as they already had their plates full, although she wouldn't dismiss Kiros all together. If she wanted to be a masochist, there was always Cid, but she still held out hope for her last bit of sanity.

There was no one - at least no one who would understand at the other end of the line.

Shoving the phone back into her pocket, she made her way over to the sink. Her hands gripped the edge as she forced herself to keep upright. Her body was weak between the emotions, the exhaustion, and getting sick - it took her strength, and then some, to keep standing. But even then, she couldn't look up into the mirror; the person looking back would have been nothing more than a doppelganger she wouldn't recognize.

This was the part where she tried to convince herself that she was wrong, but that absolution never happened. She hated these feelings – she was angry, she was hurt and, truthfully, she was pretty pissed at the entire universe. It wasn't logical, but emotions rarely were and, until she could find some semblance of understanding, she doubted that feeling would be fading any time soon.

She had to be wrong.

The palms of her hands grew sweaty against the porcelain. Forcing herself to move, she turned on the water as her fingers remained wrapped tightly around the handle — a feeble attempt at tethering herself to this world. Leaning over with her free hand, she splashed the icy water onto her face and tried to rinse her mouth.

Choking back on the taste of bile, her mind circled back to the only logical explanation - the only three words that made sense – _she was wrong_. It was that simple. Her judgment had been compromised. Someday they would all be sitting around the dining room table, sharing a hearty laugh about this mistake.

Someday…

Someday…

…Was _today._

She laughed.

The response happened naturally, without thought, although her mind struggled to understand why she had chosen that as release. But, if she hadn't laughed and let the hostility free, she would simply break too far down.

She let go of the handle and placed both hands under the faucet to cup the water. There was no rhyme no reason, no understanding or logic, all her senses were numb – maybe that was why she felt desperate. She didn't slow down as she continued to splash the cold water on herself. The contrast in temperature didn't give her the wake-up call that she so sorely wanted; however, it did give her a reason to continue laughing.

If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Sirtis had been fucking right. She was a damn fool; she couldn't protect herself from getting hurt again. Her independence had been built on this theory but now, for the first time in years, the framework felt unsteady. Rinoa had been standing too close to flame. She hadn't even realized she was slowly burning until someone forced her to stand back.

And no matter how much water she drenched herself in, the only thing she felt was the fire's phantom burns.

The only thing the water had successfully accomplished was making her even more miserable and leaving a sizable mess. Not only was she thoroughly soaked, but there was a rather telling pool at her feet. The water was still running, but she was just standing - truly mortified that she allowed herself to lose control like that. It was in that moment that she had an epiphany of sorts – some things were beyond her control. She could never stop others from hurting her, but she could stop her from hurting herself. She now had a family to think of – as hard of a concept as that was – and she would protect them at any cost.

"Rinoa?"

At the sound of her name, there was a fleeting moment where she believed that she was hallucinating again. Last time, it was a washed out image of Squall in the bathroom mirror. There was morose humor in this unlikely pattern – how many people hallucinated, heard voices, and saw ghosts while in the women's restroom? But, unlike Timber, the imagined voice came across as a lot more _feminine._

"Rinoa, are you okay?"

No, she was not okay. Which part of this picture looked anywhere in the vicinity of _okay_? With that bit of internal monologue, everything came snapping back. It was like launching a rubber band with your thumb and pointer finger, only to have it backfire and hit you in the face; thankfully, it was that momentary sting that had brought her back into the present.

She just wished she hadn't been so… _preoccupied_. Maybe then she would have heard someone else enter. She had to remember she was in a public building; it wasn't a far-fetched idea that another woman would actually need to use the bathroom. …She had hit herself with another rubber band, metaphorically-speaking, as she felt a second sting. It was that awkward moment where the phantom voice now had a face, one so awkward that she would've actually_ preferred _the hallucination.

Truthfully, the sorceress didn't want to turn around simply because she'd decided that the apparition couldn't be real. Urban myth stated you had to repeat her name in a mirror in order to get her to appear and Rinoa certainly didn't remember saying it once, twice, let along three times – yet there she was, standing directly behind her.

Rinoa was upset and_ maybe _that thought was a tad harsh. Still, they always said that Lauren was 'oh-so- wonderful' at her job but, really, if she was that observant, why did she even bother to ask if Rinoa was 'okay?' Out of kindness or not, the question answered itself and any 'world class SeeD' should have the wherewithal to figure it out - hell, even Angelo could've managed that one.

"I'm-" Rinoa began, but found the words were just out of reach.

Inside, it was a different story. Thoughts and words came to mind easily, but expressing them was another matter. She wanted snap out loud and let Lauren know that she could shove _certain _items up _certain _parts of her body. Not to mention, that she'd like to follow that with a couple more colorful phrases — she'd been dying to get a few of those off of her chest since the wedding in Balamb. On top of all that, she wanted to, in no uncertain terms, tell the SeeD to mind her own fucking business. Honestly, she wanted to scream so many things and didn't matter all that much if it was misdirected or not, whether it was born out of anger or from those feelings harbored for months.

Rinoa knew that she was being irrational… but just envisioning herself confronting Lauren like that felt therapeutic. Thankfully, she said nothing and, when the push came to shove, she doubted she ever would. Rinoa respected Lauren on a professional level, but she didn't _like_ her.

"It's all right, you don't need to answer." To the sorceress' relief, Lauren's tone didn't sound accusatory. In fact, it seemed genuine. This was even more conflicting - Rinoa was appreciative but, at the same, she had the sudden urge to throw up again.

The SeeD stepped around in order to turn off the water. After, she gave a tight-lipped smile and offered, what Rinoa believed, was Lauren's version of support. "Rinoa, you don't owe me an explanation - people deal with things differently. If you're fine, I'll leave."

It would have been so simple to say 'fine' although they both knew it wouldn't have been the truth. Then Rinoa would be alone with her thoughts again and far away from the one person she most wanted to avoid. Lauren had given her an out but, if it was so easy, why didn't she simply say it?

With a shaky breath, Rinoa forced herself to look in the mirror. Who she saw staring back wasn't herself – it was merely a doppelganger. There was only one way to feel like herself again and Rinoa was ready to move forward - to confide, to work though, and to ultimately discover the truth. Turning, she hoped the words would come easier.

The words that followed would still be a foreign concept to both parties. Unlike her inquiry about the tree donor, this went beyond a request of a SeeD and delved into one of a far more personal nature. Four words that were spoken out of desperation, "I need your help."

It even caught the SeeD off guard - all she'd expected was a noncommittal, 'I'm fine.' It came off as rushed, giving the impression that Rinoa had forced herself to say the words before she'd change her mind. It was that suspicion that made Lauren pause. She wanted to make sure that the request wouldn't be something later regretted. And as curious as the SeeD was, and she _was curious_, it went against principle to take advantage of someone backed into a corner.

"Rinoa, are you sure you're feeling fine?"

It wasn't an answer by any means and that detail was mentally noted by Rinoa, but it also wasn't a no – another important factor not overlooked.

The sorceress nodded that she 'fine' or at least physically. What she didn't say was that even though she was all right, she really wasn't okay. She had slowly started to acclimate herself to the _possibility_, but was still far from accepting the inevitability. She just knew that her thoughts were jumbled and she needed someone to help guide her in the right direction.

The SeeD carefully looked over Rinoa, giving her a rather thorough once-over; she didn't appear injured – only desperate. Lauren couldn't decipher the problem without gathering more information, but it was something that had affected the girl deeply. She was flushed, shaking, and there was a high probability that she'd been physically ill, taking in some outside factors. If that wasn't a big enough sign, the fact that Rinoa was wet and standing in a puddle of water was the equivalent of a flashing neon sign.

No matter how desperate though, the SeeD would never blindly agree to help, but she was willing to hear the young woman out. "Tell me what's going on."

Until now, Rinoa hadn't made direct eye contact but, no matter what inferiority complex she suffered from, she had to be strong enough to work beyond it.

Still, she couldn't help but wonder if Lauren would have ever found herself in this position. Would she have seen the truth for what it was? Would she have been hoodwinked by her emotions? They believed that they had the right suspect – so nobody continued the search. But even if they thought they knew, would Lauren have been more vigilant if she had been part of the entire picture like the sorceress was? Rinoa had to believe that the SeeD wouldn't have been fooled – she certainly wouldn't have let her emotions blind her. As hard as it was to admit, that was why Lauren would be her best hope. However, even knowing that didn't make talking to her any easier.

"We both know… I wish that I could ask someone else; it's just… not possible. None of my friends could even begin to comprehend the basics."

"If it makes you any feel better, I'll freely admit that this is uncomfortable for me too. But remember, this choice wasn't left to us. So, we'll make the best out of what we're given. We'll accept that we're both uneasy as fact. With that understanding, we only move forward. So, what type of help you need?"

"That's the other problem… I'm not sure."

Rinoa felt like an utter fool before, but that just solidified it. Way to follow in her father-in-law's footsteps - placing the cart before the Chocobo.

"I guess… maybe I just need to talk something through with someone? You know, without… um… without-" She found herself hesitating as, no matter the phrasing, it would come across badly.

Lauren however, summed it up much more bluntly. "…Without bringing it up to Squall."

"That obvious, huh?" Rinoa let out a sarcastic laugh.

"Yes. I'd say you could talk to him about anything, but if you don't believe that's true – I'll listen to you. Believe me, I understand that you wouldn't be placing yourself in this position if you saw an alternative. That was also rather obvious to me." Stepping to the side, she gestured towards the door. "Would you feel more comfortable sitting? There's that lounging area when you first walk in."

Rinoa nodded and then followed the SeeD's lead. "Thanks. Guess I kind of flew by it on my way in. You know how it is – basically, just concentrating on making it to the toilet before it was too late. I definitely had tunnel vision."

…Why the hell did she say _that _of all things? Couldn't her brain tell her to shut up after the word 'thanks?'

Lauren sat down in the seat nearest to her - a rather stately-looking wingback chair. Rinoa had to wonder if she had chosen that seat based on efficiency or if it had been calculated maneuver to avoid the god-awful floral print loveseat. Maybe the Dobes' had expanded into an unlike foray - interior design. That rather terrifying thought managed to make Rinoa snicker, if only on the inside.

"This place is very… _floral_. Doesn't really gel with Esthar's normal décor or even the rest of the building. Seriously, I've never run into anything like this at any police stations I've been at." Rinoa immediately felt the need to qualify that. "…Not that I've been to a lot of police stations. Just a few here and there… for stuff."

When reflecting later in life, she'd be eternally grateful that she didn't mention the Dollet incident. To paraphrase a Selphie-ism – with Rinoa's 'mega-ton of awkwardness,' nothing that came out of her mouth would've been that surprising. It seemed that common sense and her brain were acting like team players for once.

"This is a state-of-the art collaborative governmental facility. It's far from your typical police station per se – not even your common murder suspect would be processed here." Lauren's words sounded dismissive, but this wasn't what the SeeD had planned to discuss.

"Ah yeah, suppose that explains the restroom lounge, marble floors, and those expensive-looking fountains. Guess those World Council members like their luxury."

"No. The World Council has little to do with _this_." The statement vastly contrasted Rinoa's lighter tones. Lauren's words definitely held a strong undercurrent and, even as she continued, the distinct edge remained.

"The World Council's offices are primarily located in the southwest wing, but their in-house suites are on one of the upper floors. I believe this entire wing is intended for divisions of Esthar's government. Actually, when this particular sector is complete, they'll hold political galas and other formal events in the adjacent ballroom. So any 'luxury' is the direct result of your father-in-law's administration."

Rinoa made a quick mental note: never say anything bad about the World Council in Lauren's presence, even in jest. Sadly, that was a lesson learned a little too late. Not to mention, the sorceress realized what she was doing – stalling with small talk. This was a character flaw that had been pointed out to her _several_ times in the past, by _several _different parties. Two minutes ago, Rinoa was pissed at the damn world and felt truly lost within herself… but now? Now she was attempting small talk with Squall's ex-girlfriend.

Falling back onto the pillows, Rinoa stared at the ceiling. "What am I even doing here? Nothing makes sense. Hell, I don't even know what I'm thinking."

"Rinoa, if I may?" Lauren paused after asking for permission.

In any possibly_-_volatile situations, SeeD protocol stressed the importance on being overtly-respectful to all parties. Still, with only four words, it became evident that Lauren was more at ease than their last topic, although the complete opposite held true for the sorceress. The irony certainly wasn't lost on Rinoa, but her choices were currently limited to either 'the rock' or 'the hard' place. Waving her hand dismissively, she signaled for the rock to continue.

"Thank you." Lauren bowed slightly forward in appreciation although the gesture went unnoticed. "Rinoa, I believe that you're in here because you know something... something you wish you hadn't. It's tearing you apart so much that you decided it would be better to face it alone — in a woman's lavatory no less. Something you believe is your burden or you'd be with your husband. You're also worrying about the possible consequences, even if they maybe are self-imposed."

The interim commander relied heavily on her expertise, stopping to study Rinoa's body language; this was a skill that came natural to both Zell and herself, but one that Squall had often struggled with during his tenure. To Lauren, watching for people's tells was instinctual and Rinoa just had one – to the naked eye it was difficult to see, but was blatantly obvious to Lauren. With the last comment, Rinoa grew more rigid and because of that, she believed that her hypothesis was correct, with one minor change. "No. I'll amend that last comment – they are self-imposed. You're punishing yourself and that's why you need to be positive before telling Squall. That's why you asked for my help." Lauren didn't smile, but there was no doubt she was proud of her feat.

Breaking her standoff with the ceiling, Rinoa briefly glanced down at the SeeD. Her hands gestured in disbelief. "How? What…? How did you get all _that_ from _this_?"

"Well, it wasn't all that hard." Truthfully, it wasn't, but who knows how Rinoa perceived the modesty; Lauren also believed that issue was best left un-clarified to avoid any missteps. However, the rest she was more than willing to explain her chain of reasoning.

"Rinoa, I know that the three of you had started to reevaluate some of the videos. Laguna also mentioned he'd asked you to stay out of sight, which made perfect sense – _you didn't_. For you, it's very telling that you didn't follow through with his request. In order for you to leave like that, it had to be something major. Something happened to make you get away from there – or rather get away from _someone_. You left Squall, knowing he couldn't follow you and if nothing else, that one action defines how desperate you are… even more so than talking to me. Plus, unless you have the rather disturbing habit of creating small lakes on bathroom floors – your mind was somewhere else."

She might have been appreciative at Lauren's attempt at humor, if she didn't feel that it was passive-aggressively aimed at her.

"Rinoa, I believe you let your emotions consume you until they physically manifested; a majority of the time, losing yourself like that often relates back to varying degrees of animosity. Above all, is the fact that you distanced yourself from the others as if the pain or anger was personal to you. If that's the case, logic dictates that this 'something's' connection wouldn't have been with Squall's life as a SeeD, but something connected to you."

Rinoa mentally added a few choice lines to the end of Lauren's explanation and/or the SeeD's self ass-pat, depending on one's viewpoint. Still, Rinoa didn't want to appear ungrateful; she still wanted to ask for her help and Rinoa had made the unfortunate mistake of asking 'how' amid her moment of shock. A second mental note was then made: _never_ ask Lauren to explain her thought process. To quote another one of her friends – unless you have alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol – just don't ask.

Rinoa was used to it to a certain extent as Zell and Laguna often gave round-about long answers, but that was because they were easily distracted by shiny things. Again, she realized her anger was misdirected but emotionally, it was so much easier to give in to.

When she was younger, they'd told her that one of the stages of grief was anger. Since then, she learned both book-wise and firsthand that dealing with the anger was far simpler than dealing with pain. Funnily enough, the last time she had heard that was about two weeks ago at Squall's funeral.

As annoyed as she was with her current company, it was the traits that Rinoa found the most exasperating that would be the most beneficial. That especially held true with her next words as the SeeD summarized her thoughts.

"To answer your original questions - you think that someone betrayed you so it's for that reason it's nearly impossible to trust your thoughts – your entire perspective abruptly changed. Because of that, your thoughts feel overwhelmed as you try to separate the fragments - truth, lies, and even false memories. Also, I think tried to justify your running as a way to protect Squall but, truthfully, you ran to protect yourself."

Lauren managed a sympathetic smile, at least to the best of her abilities. No matter how she viewed interactions with others, being betrayed by someone close would be devastating to a person like Rinoa. "I truly am sorry if I am right, but I think we both know that I'm at least close. Rinoa, you haven't once told me to stop or corrected me. If I was off-base, you would have become upset by what I was saying… Instead, your initial reaction spoke volumes – you asked how I figured it out. By questioning the process and not disagreeing with the conclusion, we both know that's equivalent to confirmation. It also circles us back to the fact you've asked for my help."

At those words, Lauren leaned forward, wanting to make sure that Rinoa clearly understood. "I'll do what I can but, until I know what's fully going on, I cannot promise anything. Even then, there are limitations."

"I understand. And I don't expect you to break any rules or anything. I just have to trust that you won't say anything right now. Squall trusts you… and that is harder to admit than I thought, but he does. That counts for something."

Rinoa bit her lip as she continued to lean back on the sofa, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. The pain kept her centered in some way, something she wouldn't explain. Couldn't explain, even. But, if she wasn't careful, she knew she'd end up drawing blood. Still, there was no way possible she could've made it through that admission while looking directly into Lauren's face.

"Thank you. I trust him too and I respect the situation enough to let you be the one to talk to him. You have my word on that."

Rinoa knew that this was the closest Lauren would come to a promise. At its core, a promise implied a verbal contract and the SeeD would never do that. But even without that assurance, Rinoa never doubted it as truth.

Even in the midst of this, Rinoa was hauntingly reminded of Sirtis' words – _don't ever promise. _

The sorceress knew that there was only one thing left for her to do. It became a moment of reckoning but, exactly _whose _reckoning, depended on the discovery. If she didn't find the courage to speak out, she doubted she ever would. If she said the words fast enough, maybe it would be the equivalent of ripping a band aid. But considering that the said strategy never lessened the pain as a child, she doubted it would for this either. The only thing she hoped for now was a jumping off point. Baby steps.

"Flo Dobe."

It took everything she had to spit the two words out. Of course, they were utterly useless without context, but it was a foundation. Forcing herself back into a sitting position, she clasped her hands on her lap and nervously twisted the ring on finger again.

The SeeD tried to hold back her skepticism as that answer made little to no sense – as did her actions. Frankly, Lauren got the feeling that this was a reoccurring theme with the new Mrs. Leonhart.

"Rinoa, both Flo and her husband have solid alibis. The mayor was still in Fisherman's Horizon and while it's true that Mrs. Dobe was in Dollet, there are multiple accounts of her whereabouts. Understandably, she was hard to miss. This fact is corroborated by security footage and hundreds of eyewitnesses."

"I know. _That's_ the problem." Rinoa hadn't caught on to actions until she noticed Lauren's focus had shifted to her fingers. Before, her movement was more subtle but, as her stress-level increased, the faster and more blatantly obvious her ring-spinning habit became. Rinoa hesitated for a moment, until she realized something important – she just didn't care. It was a habit that she needed at the moment; if twisting a ring brought her even a little solace, then so be it. Of course, it was only coincidence that this was also Laguna's old nervous habit. He would be proud of her for that, but he wouldn't be proud about this… she needed to quickly get herself together.

"Rinoa, I fail to see how Flo Dobe qualifies as a problem, but I may be missing something here. You've been more informed on certain aspects of the case than I have. So, I'm willing to hear this out."

"That brings up another problem," she started slowly, but at least she was openly talking, "this was _supposed_ to be far removed from the case. It was _supposed _to be small talk during a friendly but, excruciatingly-awkward, dinner conversation." Rinoa knew that she needed to start making sense soon; she'd half-expected Lauren to walk out any second now.

Once the words were out there for the universe to hear, they could never be taken back. Still, if she could prove herself wrong then it would be worth it.

"Okay, okay, I can do this…." The motivational words were meant as self-encouragement; she'd moved beyond caring about how she came across at this point. It was the mentality she needed to adapt as she continued. "I'm hope what I remember is wrong or just a mistake I made because by transposing a couple memories… but that's why I need to talk this through with someone."

Hugging her arms together, she relied on that last ounce of hope. "You know how like Flo Dobe wore themed outfits each day that I guess somehow went along with certain causes? The main thing I got out of hearing about it was that she wore them for a day… then she'd move on to something different for another cause the next day. Well, this is _only_ about the first day… the day of the shootings. She was focusing on logging or destroying trees so her hair was green and she wore some brown getup to look like a tree. That's the only thing about it that's important right now - _that _hair on_ that _day. See, the guys just played a video and it sorta came up that Mrs. Dobe didn't arrive in Dollet looking like a tree. She dyed her hair before first break… to add to the shock factor or something… Sorry, this just feels so impossible to put this into words. But, basically to sum up my jumbled-jumbleness – the only day Flo's hair was green was that day, but it was after first break. Um, yeah… so are you following any of this?"

"I believe so, at least in a general sense. I do want to interject with one thing - the time stamp confirms that Flo dyed hair blue around the same time the following day; technically, that would mean that her hair was still green a few hours the next morning. If that is something you'd like specific timestamps for, it shouldn't be a problem. I could get that if needed."

"No, no it's fine… I think the next day's kinda irrelevant anyhow. I mean, the thing is… say someone mentioned seeing Flo - _in person_ \- on the day Squall was shot, saying her green hair had to be seen to be believed… yet that same person said the only places they were that day were FH and then Timber. I'm specifically talking about the day of the shooting, not after…How does that happen?" Briefly, she shut eyes and whispered a plea, "Please, tell me there's some way."

"You're positive this person said they saw her in person while her hair was dyed green?"

"Yes, very much so. I might've asked about exchanging hellos and stuff, but it's all rather fuzzy. Please, please tell me that it's possible in some way, shape, or form for this to have some logical explanation."

"…Rinoa. I-I don't know what to tell you. It could be a misunderstanding - I wouldn't rule that out. I guess the big question you truly need to ask yourself – would this person have a reason to go after Squall? Of course, this is based on the general understanding that Zell was _not_ the target."

"God… I forgot how he reacted when he heard about Zell's coma… he was so upset. I mean those feelings were genuine. It even stood out to me, but I didn't have the wherewithal to deal with anything." Rinoa couldn't say the name, not yet. A name turned a laughable theory into a very real possibility. With every word said and every memory that had resurfaced, her hope slowly dimmed.

To her surprise, she found herself able to continue. Maybe it was because her heart wanted to believe this was still a 'laughable' theory – yet her brain was waiting for the punch line."When I watched the news report about Squall's death, I honestly thought he was being strong for my sake. Thinking about that now – it's like everything looks rather obvious… guess that's the beauty of hindsight. It's just that he was so shaken over Zell… he even went out and ordered him a personalized Triple Triad card. I-I actually thought that was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done… in the past, those two actually got along great. Surprising, but true... God, if I'm right… I was so stupid. How foolish can I be?

"Rinoa, you didn't see what was in front of you because you had no reason to look. Without touching on the rest - it does sound as if your friend felt bad that Zell was injured, but whether it's out of concern or regret is the issue. If their past relationship was anything like you said – either way, I completely agree that his emotions were genuine. It's difficult for me to comprehend but, for some unknown reason, people seem to flock around Zell's personality. Whereas I much prefer Squall's… while most find that his personality takes getting used to – to put it mildly."

Lauren paused, knowing that she found herself in a difficult situation. Then again, as of late, difficult situations had become as plentiful as the common cold. The thing that had caught the SeeD most off guard was that she found herself caring enough to qualify her words. It honestly had little to do with Rinoa but, out of respect for the commander, she didn't want the statement's context to be misinterpreted. She wasn't about to apologize as it was her belief that she didn't do anything wrong, but she would offer a little clarification.

"Please, I meant no offence by my last comment. My personal preference has more to do with how they handle themselves on a professional level."

"You know," Rinoa began as again tears began to well in her eyes, "I'm beyond all that right now. I'm sitting here, trying to desperately explain this away. Squall and Zell will be goddamned overjoyed to even think that someone that was like my brother was at the other end of the gun. It's like all coming back, all these things that I should've... That day, I remember talking to him on the train and he told me - God, I…"

She couldn't finish, not the words were ever coherent to start. She remembered something else this time – another fucking lie that she naively chose to believe. He said that not only had he _seen_ Flo Dobe that morning in FH, but that he'd spent hours trapped in a room with her. He stated it was the _mayor_ who was in Dollet. He wasn't. How in the hell did she not think of any of this before? She was a fucking fool; the truth had been tauntingly staring her in the face since that first day.

"Rinoa, you may be wrong, I hope for your sake that you are. Anything you have now is purely circumstantial - your memories could easily be skewed. Emotionally, you've been through a lot over the last few weeks. And in a distressed state of mind, it's hard to recall events sequentially, let alone accurately. Yes, you've established that there was opportunity, but you're still missing motive and evidence. Simply saying they saw Flo's green hair won't be enough but, in the same regards, you don't want to discount gut feelings. I agree that there's something we're missing. We know there's a second shooter, whether this person you know or not is guilty, we can't say."

"There's just so much you're not getting about this." Heaven help her, she was actually trying to talk Lauren into believing that he was guilty. In some roundabout way, she was actually tossing out reasons _to_ implicate him.

Rinoa knew; she just _knew_.

A few minutes ago she could barely speak, unable to believe it. She still didn't _want_ to believe it but, unfortunately, she did. Semantics again, but this time it was one a level nearly impossible to comprehend – the difference between innocence and guilt.

Again, Rinoa found herself rambling, but this wasn't about indecision or apprehension about saying the wrong words; this was her mind jumping from one possible lie to another. There wasn't even hesitation — in that moment, it had been replaced with heated determination. "He asked me out to dinner. No, he _insisted_ that I went to dinner. It's like he _had _to be with me that night – maybe wanted to see my reaction when I heard the news. God… that afternoon, I even faxed plans to FH because he forgot them or he _said _he did. How do you forget plans when that's your only reason for going there…? Maybe some people sure, but not him… he was good at his job, he was since the Timber Owls. He was organized. Hell, he was organized and somehow he actually got me to cover for him… Maybe it was all one big lie to help establish an alibi? Or… maybe there was some reason he wanted me to be part of his alibi? I-I can't. I just don't know what to think anymore. When he called he-"

Rinoa stopped suddenly at the realization. _He called_. She'd said it earlier but the words registered this time. He called her from the train. She wiped her eyes, although she had stopped crying. It was a reflexive action. This might be the break she either needed or the one she really didn't want. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her cell phone and turned on the power. Glancing down, she noticed there were a ton more voice mail messages and missed calls just like before. The one thing that was also of note - just like after interrogating Sirtis - not one of those missed calls was from him. The one person who had been insistent about calling, the one person who called to check on her not once, but several times a day, had abruptly stopped doing so.

"Sorry," the sorceress mumbled an apology, unable to pry her eyes from the phone. She also made a third mental note: to replace her cell phone when this was over — she never wanted to see that infernal thing again. Setting the mobile on the cushion beside her, she pushed it towards the SeeD.

Clearing her throat, Rinoa tried to remain optimistic but her efforts fell flat. "If you take that, can you trace the history of a specific number? It's the one that I have several missed calls from this morning – and then suddenly none. You know, when any normal friend tried to call to see how I was doing. But, if it's possible, find the outgoing calls from that number on the day of the shooting, especially like an hour to two after. The call might've gone to my home line, I'm thinking so… I honestly can't remember — it's all a damn fog. It was all so unimportant, but now… now it feels like everything. I'm positive that he placed the call with his cell."

She looked down at the phone; it was a simple choice that shaped many futures. She was still upset, but she was at least speaking at a normal level, f not a little somber. "…FH or Dollet – that's the question. If there's any way to pinpoint that, you'll have your proof and I'll have my answer. If he lied… no, I can't even begin to think about that... not yet. I can't say anything to Squall until I know. There's history. And if I'm wrong… it'll do nothing but damage the future. So, I can't… _not yet_."

"You don't want to make it worse. I understand the reasoning, although I may not agree. But, Rinoa, I'm not in your shoes… and honestly, with the way I handle things, it doesn't bring emotions into the equation. It's usually about efficiency, not feelings."

Reading between the lines a lot, Rinoa considered the SeeD's response to be a compliment of sorts.

Swallowing hard, she struggled to say the next words aloud. "If the call didn't originate from somewhere around FH then… Well then, I guess I was lied to again."

Lauren paused as if she was contemplating her options. But, in the end, she again fell back onto her earlier thought; this was out of respect for Squall and locating his would-be killer. If faced with a choice, maybe she could bend the rules, _slightly_, if needed.

"Yes, there is a way to triangulate the call." Lauren leaned over, picking up the phone. "Before I go into that, can I get some sort of name, even a nickname or anything to identify this individual? It might make conversations a little easier as 'your friend' or 'he' may become confusing. I understand that it's difficult and if you aren't willing to divulge information, I'll do my best to respect that too."

"Zone. His name is Zone." She quickly drew her hands to her face. It was a juvenile reaction but she couldn't fight this urge to hide – this pitiful attempt came nowhere close. She was mad at herself, mad at him, mad at the universe for having these doubts in the first place. She removed her hands, as she continued. Sadly, staying in her fortress of solitude wasn't a viable option, so she uncovered her face, hoping to try to across as slightly less pathetic that way. "He's listed on my phone as just Zone or number two on the speed dial. If I'm wrong… what the hell have I done? How do I even begin to recover from his, let alone explain any of this Squall?"

"Mrs. Leonhart, as I see it, you're looking out for husband. That's all." Lauren found herself in the odd position of trying to reassure the distraught woman. Not exactly a situation any of them would have ever predicted.

"As far as tracing Zone's call, yes, we should be able to pinpoint the tower it originated from. Not every country has this ability. It's usually over ethical concerns and invasion of privacy, but Galbadia hasn't exactly shaken all of Vinzer Deling's philosophies, as in, "monitor what our citizens are doing all the time to the best of our abilities. Honestly, the real foreseeable problem is any legality of information. What I'll be able to obtain this way won't exactly fall anywhere _on the record_. Still, it is a start. It'll be easy enough to then go through proper channels once we know which direction we should be facing – not surprisingly, it's mostly paperwork and work order, but I'll go ahead and start opening those channels too, in case they're needed. But first, I'll contact Trabia's tech department, which shouldn't take long."

Rinoa nodded, showing that she was following along. She did question Lauren's decision; however, the SeeD possibly interpreted the lack of response as confusion. With that thought, she explained her reasoning, adding a more in-depth background.

"In all honesty, each Garden has particular strengths that can be used to an advantage. If you want the best in skilled fighters, look toward Balamb. If you want raw fire power, Galbadia has the edge. But if you want the best in electronic analysis and cybernetic crimes, it's easily Trabia. It's also my home Garden and I'm aware of their capabilities. Rest assured, my contacts will also keep it discreet. And Rinoa, I can see the struggle that you're facing but, if it turns out you're correct – no matter the struggle, coming to me may be key in saving him. You know I made sure that my team protected Sirtis, I'll do no less for your friend."

"Thank you." The two words weren't nearly as difficult as Rinoa led herself to believe. Then again, her thoughts were an ocean away and tripping over her words became much easier when you simply didn't care how you came across. "Commander Rachels, I never meant to ask anything of you… or put you in this position. I hate this."

Rinoa's confession hardly came as a surprise; it was apparent that she'd been placed in the middle of a complex situation, actually a few complex situations.

"…I do, I hate everything about this. I hate myself for thinking this way. Worse yet, I hate invading the privacy of a friend who might've just misspoken… or maybe who I might have misunderstood – someone who is isn't just a friend, he's a colleague, a brother, a friend… not just a friend a best friend."

"Wait," Lauren interrupted, "you said colleague? So, I'd be correct by saying that Zone works with you? I know this may seem irrelevant but, I assure you, it's not. Is Zone employed by the government of Timber and would this have been a phone issued to him through work?"

"Ah… yes, he does and yes, it is. He's been working on the TEL project; our other friend is on family leave. Actually, the whole urban planning is far from what Zone usually does… trust me, he's not the type of person you'd want designing street layouts and such. He's normally works along the lines of security, although Timber doesn't have an organized military or anything. He's been trying to get a program up and running, but it's more along the lines of civil defense. Lately, Zone's in charge of recruiting and training the units." She let out a bitter laugh. "Squall said he'd swallow his pride and talk to him about a job. If everything plays out like I'm afraid it's going to, that's sadly the most ironic thing about this."

Lauren let the last sentiments go; there was no point in rubbing salt into an already-open wound. The woman had already given her the pertinent information, even if she was clueless as to why. "Rinoa, that 'foreseeable problem' I mentioned just become a non-existent problem. If it's a work phone issued through Timber, there is no expected issue of privacy. Any place with government representation in the World Council has a blanket clause allowing all e-mails and phone logs to be public records. It's not invoked often, but this means we can check his call records and locations easily. The paperwork now needed to make it official enough move forward, was just reduced by around eighty-five percent."

"I'm not surprised. The Council doesn't want you in their records, but they can sure as hell poke their nose around in yours."

"Welcome to world of politics – do as I say, not as I do."

* * *

Her hand was on the bathroom door, but she couldn't open it.

Rinoa glanced back to a nearby mirror for a final look. There was no doubt that she needed to pick up the pace; it was surprising that Squall hadn't called the cavalry on her, although there was Lauren's appearance. The SeeD showing up did have some _very_ coincidental undertones, but Rinoa felt surprisingly grateful. Lauren's detachment turned out to be a good thing in this case; it would have been impossible to admit that to those who knew Zone. Also, her friends would have tried to sugarcoat it, worried more about Rinoa's feelings then getting the information. In this case, someone more direct turned out to be her saving grace – another bit of irony to add to the ever-growing collection.

Speaking of friends, she could name one that was most likely attempting to lighten Squall's mood, an uphill battle on rollerblades if there ever was one. She could picture Zell, leaning back on two chair legs, systematically listing off scenarios that may account for her disappearance; more likely than not, a central theme had also emerged – something akin to hurrying off to a 'bikini mud-wrestling' match or an idea equally as sexist. Thinking about her friend's antics strangely made her feel better while simultaneously making her feel a tad dirty. Maybe that earlier thought about him being her creative muse wasn't as farfetched as she thought. Scary as hell, but not exactly off base.

The truth was that although she knew that Squall would allow her time, she'd already felt selfish for taking too much as it were. Still, there was a sense of conflict within his personas – knight, husband, and colleague – were three very _different _parts of the whole. While he, as both a knight and a husband, were willing to give her time, it was the commander aspect of him that would be more likely to push for answers. To some extent, his worlds were colliding, and the longer she was away, the more of a distraction she felt she was being.

There were many obstacles to get past, but she only needed to focus on that first one – the one that explained her behavior. Then again, maybe the best thing remained to _not_ explain it – to simply say she would explain in time and hopefully they'd respect her decision or, in desperation, maybe she'd end up agreeing with whatever cockamamie theory spouted from Zell's mouth. Then again, with her current state, he would have far more evidence to back up a wet t-shirt contest than mud-wrestling.

Overall, it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been, but her shirt was obviously wet in some places. After Lauren left, she had managed to maneuver herself under one of the hand-dryers with all the grace of an Iron Giant. Only one woman had come in, but Rinoa just nodded and said nothing. By then, she had also cleaned up the puddles from the floor, or at least the majority of them. Unfortunately, nothing erased the lingering feeling of pathetic-ness of Lauren being the one to find her. The SeeD never said anything negative, but her thoughts remained a far different story.

On the contrary, Lauren had gone one step beyond anything that she would've predicted. To Rinoa, it was a simple gesture of kindness, but knowing who it was from made the act even more unexpected. The SeeD had returned once to drop off a few essentials – towels to soak up the puddles and a travel-sized toothbrush and toothpaste.

Squall had been right; Lauren always came off as professional and carried herself that way for the most part. Rinoa also found that she understood his description of her a little more now and she too wouldn't be surprised if Lauren asked for that letter of recommendation. Hell, if Rinoa managed to walk out of this bathroom with most of her dignity intact, she might even write her one.

As her fingers slipped from door handle, she took one last look in the mirror. It was time to push forward, one obstacle at a time. She tried to hold onto Squall's _'no assumptions'_ rule. However, that was much more difficult to accept than Squall's _'no regrets'_ attitude. At this point, she'd count herself lucky at being fifty/fifty on Squallisms. Like Lauren even pointed out, she was only trying to protect Squall and that was something Rinoa would never regret. Redoing her ponytail, she looked at the figure in the mirror.

With a few last words of encouragement, she softly spoke, "You can do this… No assumptions. No regrets. No regrets _on_ assumptions."

"_Squall would sooo not be thrilled with that change to his principles,"_ she thought mockingly. She then added the next part out loud, "Poetic license. It works well for me… he can deal."

After that last hesitation, she left the restroom. It had taken her a few minutes to return to the secured area, purposely taking the extra time to compose herself. On the way, she managed to read every poster, sign, and plaque. She had even taken the time to examine the fire evacuation plan. It was when she'd caught herself using her fingers to measure the distance between the exit doors that she realized that she'd hit rock bottom.

Her procrastination had gone past the point of being ridiculous and well into absurd territory. She was trying to avoid her husband, just so she could avoid the possible truth. It felt like her two worlds had somehow found a way to intertwine - past and present, friendship and love, Garden and Timber.

It was after she returned to Timber three years ago that she had categorized these parts of her life as two separate entities. Now, she was going to have face reality – there was only one world and she couldn't keep them separated forever.

The problem was that somebody was going to get hurt. Either way, somebody already had.

* * *

The martial artist found himself in the oh-so-familiar position of focusing on the monitor. Shortly after Rinoa left, Kiros and Lauren had returned from the van with tapes and more specialized equipment to watch them. Given their new perspective, Squall suggested that Zell should re-examine footage from the day of the funeral. If that failed, he could return to the needle-in-the-haystack method – a rather fitting metaphor for their current situation if there ever was one.

Zell forgot how much watching these videos made him want to poke his eyes out with rusty spoons. He'd thought that they had made it past this point and he'd never have to lay eyes on these abominations again - he was so very wrong.

He had watched these videos for so long that every time he closed his eyes, the images were seared into the back of eyelids. When he wasn't having nightmares of monsters composed of cheese, they were invaded by people on campus the day of the memorial. He could vividly recall the level 7 SeeD at the five minute mark who tripped over his own feet, but passed it off as if someone had pushed him, saving face in front of the guys. Then there was also the female cadet that who tossed out her lunch trash and accidently threw away her male friend's apple; quickly retrieving it, she handed it back to him before he noticed, although the face of disgust she made when he bit into it was rather funny… funny for the first _fifty or so_ viewings.

Squall had been his usual self, silently watching the same videos – minus the complaining. Zell had expected him to be quiet, but this had wandered into the point of eerie. He even found himself glancing over to make sure that Rinoa hadn't snuck in and whacked him with a Petrify spell. From that, and desperation, the martial artist decided to attempt conversation. All and all, not the wisest of moves but, right now, he would face the metaphorical firing squad – it was a far better fate than the tapes.

"So, Squall… this how you pictured the first day of marriage?"

"No. Amazingly, you were absent from any picture I had."

"Tch. Fine, I might've absent, but does that mean you're saying that video tapes, police stations, and interrogation rooms were actually_ in_ the picture?"

Squall never missed a beat as he studied the computer in front of him. "I married Rinoa. Switch out video tapes for charges of sexual solicitation and I learned that lesson after Dollet."

"Oh yeah." Zell laughed. "Now _that_ was very cool."

"Cool?" Squall asked with a raised curiosity. He never looked up to see his friend, but his particular usage of the word 'cool' was more than a tad bit unsettling.

The martial artist answered coyly. "Well… um, from the way Irvine has embellished the story over the years it's sounded rather cool… but yeah, guess maybe if it was Alex in that situation, I might not feel the same."

Zell then burst out into laughter. "Nah, sorry, that story would then become mega-cool and funny as hell."

"Whatever."

The commander drummed his fingers against the table. Between this conversation and Rinoa's unexplained absence, his patience was starting to wear thin – or rather thinner. It had gone long past 'thin' hours ago.

Of course, Zell couldn't let it end with a simple 'whatever,' although he was truly tempting fate.

"Make you a deal, take my original list of video tapes, police stations, and interrogation rooms and _keep _the video tapes. Then switch out police station and interrogation rooms with _handcuffs _and _gelatin shots_ and now you've got yourself a good story… And a _damn good_ honeymoon - even Irvine will be envious."

There were times when silence was golden and others times when silence was a necessity. Right now, the latter held true. Keeping this in mind was the only way Squall kept from taking a few cheap swings at his friend. He would _never_ do it… Okay, he'd never do it _again_; the van was a one-time deal. But as the commander looked down to a pair of scissors across the table, he wrestled with the temptation to give his friend a scar to match his and Seifer's. But, instead of a single diagonal line, he'd opt to do two and make a complete 'X.'

That way, anyone who wanted to smack him with a pen, spitball, or whatever was at hand would have a target. Squall was big on community service after all; at least, that's how he'd explain the reasons behind maiming his friend.

Luckily, it was only a fleeting thought and one Squall wasn't too proud to admit, although it did keep him from responding. Still, as he looked at the permanent black marker next to the scissors, he couldn't help the internal smirk. If Zell didn't drop the subject soon, his friend might wake up with a lovely addition to his tattoo.

Thankfully for Zell, all the commander's thoughts were placed on the back-burner when they heard the sound of the door opening. Squall finally looked up from his computer to Rinoa standing in the doorway, one hand in her pocket, one still on the security touchpad. Squall expected that she'd find a way to learn it from someone; he also had sneaking suspicion from who.

Closing the door, she forced a smile as she walked into the room.

Only catching her from his peripheral vision, Zell had to ask the vital question. Well, the other vital one as badgering her about her whereabouts wouldn't help; she clearly had her reasons.

"Rinny, please tell me you were searching for food and miraculously stumbled upon a four-star restaurant nestled in the bowels of the building. One pizza for three people doesn't exactly cut it, especially when one of those people is me. I'm starving and the room service in the place is lacking. I've yet to find an in-room menu."

"It's a _police _station," the commander shot back, "Room service could be arranged by having you arrested and tossed in a damn cell. …This does prove you have the mental capabilities to obsess over two entirely different subjects - sexual deviancy and hunger."

"Ye Squall of little faith, sometimes I combine the two and think of 'em at the same, but there'd only be diagrams and questions. That's a discussion for another time; I know Rinoa and Alex will be thrilled to help me with the live demo later on. Right, Rin?"

"Oh yeah… sounds good," she replied with the same smile she'd walked in with; the one whose value went no deeper than the surface.

Her answer caught Zell off guard; it certainly gave away more than she had intended. Turning to face the commander, the two SeeDs exchanged knowing glances. It was obvious she had left upset, but they'd come to the same conclusion – it wasn't over. Truthfully, neither had expected it to fade that easily, they had only hoped it would have for her sake.

In all seriousness, Zell thought he understood the root of her problems. He believed that it had stemmed from building herself up for this to be over, only to be faced with disappointment. No, they weren't back at the starting line, but they were somewhere in its vicinity. Removing herself from her peers, unable to live her normal life and, compounding that, lying to her friends? These were things bound to take their toll. Maybe it was those truths that had hit her hard, they had for him, but he wasn't in a position to show it.

It was expected of SeeDs to be strong. Still, he did have much to be thankful for – this could've ended so much differently. So he coped like he always did — he laughed, he joked, and carried all his disappointment and pain on the inside.

"All joking aside, you're not alone," Zell said, getting out of his chair and taking a few steps towards her. She was still standing at the entrance, seemingly unsure of what to do with herself.

He wanted to support her. The one thing that he didn't have to hide was how grateful he was that his friends were by his side — that had been one of the only redeeming qualities about this mission.

Noticing her surprise, he reached for her hand and started to lead her over to the larger couch. Of course, he couldn't let this moment go by without asking the nagging question.

"So… pick a fight with a rain cloud and lose? Either that or you pissed off Leviathan… he's kinda got that whole 'bad temper' thing going on, although not nearly as bad as Cerberus, but not nearly as chill as Shiva."

Sitting down, Rinoa remembered how much he always wanted to smile around him, even if she couldn't show it. She was fairly shocked that the words t-shirt, bikini, or wrestling had all been absent from his vocabulary. History indicated it would only be a matter of time, so she decided to diffuse the situation on her own terms. It at least served as a small distraction and maybe she could repay only a portion of all the smiles Zell had given her.

"No, nothing like clouds or a bad-tempered GF. I had to clean up after spontaneously entering the World Council's annual wet-t-shirt contest. Unfortunately, it changed into a mud-wrestling match during the second round. Thankfully, I was already wearing my bikini for some inexplicable reason. Basically, the norm."

"That was_ sooo_ going to be my first guess but, you know, being the gentleman and all," he somehow managed through his laughter. Closing his eyes, he looked up towards the ceiling, trying to get the perfect mental image. "Yep, that's so it. Perfect. I've totally got this scenario playing in my head. All I can say… way to go, Rinny! Go get 'em, li'l lioness."

Squall had stopped working the moment she returned but, after her answer, his concentration was definitely pulled. All his focus remained on her; he wasn't buying her performance for a minute. He knew the words were just as forced as the smile she walked in with. He'd give her credit for trying, but why was she _trying_ and not being honest with him? It was upsetting, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions. Maybe it was something she didn't want to say in front of Zell so perhaps it was matter of opportunity.

It became even more unusual when she glanced over to him. When their eyes met, she didn't seem embarrassed that he was watching, which in itself was telling. In the past, she often tended to blush at being caught off guard. In fact, she surprised him further by flashing him a sincere smile, not the plastered-on one she'd walked in with.

He knew Zell was saying something to her, but since he was facing away, it wasn't possible to make out his words. He only heard her softly giggle. Although he was glad that she was laughing, he found that it bothered him on some level. He grew irritated with himself – _he_ should have been the one there. He saw she was upset, but did nothing. It was Zell who got up and walked her to the couch. It was more natural for Zell to jump in, heart first, to comfort someone. With Squall, it often took time but, in this case, 'time' was a shit-ass excuse in his book. Rinoa was upset and the least he could have done was go to her.

The commander was also irritated because this was supposed to be over – but so goes the story of his life – just one more mission. He almost wished that it had been Sirtis who shot him. Then again, if it had been Sirtis, he was positive that his life would've ended in Dollet.

Even if he was mad at himself, he was glad that Zell was there as Rinoa needed to laugh — that was far from Squall's forte. And although Zell made her laugh, he also cared about her. All quips aside, he was also worried about her.

Leaning back, the martial artist decided to give his honest, point blank opinion of their situation. This time, saying it loud enough for Squall to hear.

"You know Rin, long story short, this sucks. Sucks bad. But I do get it. Now is the time that, as a SeeD, I'm supposed to regain focus, buckle down, and continue the mission with a new resolve… but yeah, that's a load of steaming Behemoth crap because this mission just went from an annoying kind of suck to flat out suck. But remember, things can only suck so long. It will get better… and maybe I shouldn't use the word suck so much. It kinda loses its meaning."

She couldn't help the small giggle. It might have been the worst pep talk in the history of Garden, but it was nothing short of the truth. "Zell, from now on, I nominate you to give all motivational speeches before all fights. Squall's speech before the battle with G-Garden may have been more traditional and a little on the contrived side, but yours is definitely honest... and strangely, less sucky."

Squall closed a file that he was 'looking' at quickly, before reaching for another one. "I'll sit over here and try not to be offended."

"Don't be Squall," Zell began, still trying to cheer up Rinoa in the process, "I don't think she's saying yours was that bad. It was great for what it was and who it was for… although I might've added the cafeteria staff shoulda hid the hotdogs. Because you know soon as those Galbadian dorkwads boarded that they'd be the second thing they'd raid after ammunitions. But I'll let bygones be bygones since it's not like I even eat them anymore. But I gotta admit that I still get a little teary-eyed at how many innocent wieners met their untimely end when the power to the refrigerators failed… But again, bygones."

"You had a point in there?" The commander crossed his arms over his chest. "I somehow missed in the middle of… what was it? Oh yes, pile of steaming Behemoth crap."

"Well, I actually said _load_ not pile, but close enough. And yes, I do have a point, Commander Braiiins… I was saying that my 'this is suck' speech was different because I'm not trying to motivate an entire Garden. I'm being honest with my best friend and his wife… Oh yeah, and in this scenario, I'm pretending that I'm your best friend. Sorry to dear ol' Seifer…"

"For the love of-" Squall began but stopped himself.

"Tch, fine. Again I see marriage has mellowed you and… Now, you made me lose my original point. So, I'm just talking to Rinoa now… turn around and go about doing your commanderly stuff."

Turning back towards Rinoa, he grabbed her hand. "Rin, in all seriousness, it's hard to accept this… I know that more than anyone. I mean, we all believed the lies were over. Now… we're not any closer to the ones we love…."

Horrified at herself, she placed a hand over her mouth as it dawned on her how completely selfish she had been. She hadn't really considered what Zell was going through aside from a passing thought or two. First, her thoughts had been with Blalock's family and the people of Esthar. Then it turned to the idea of a second shooter. And now, they rested with the possibility of her best friend being responsible - and through all of that, she had ignored the obvious. This moment wasn't about Sirtis, Zone, her, or even Squall, it was about all Zell had lost with the news. Right now, she was just too caught up in her own self-pity to see.

"That's not exactly true, is it?" her words were soft as she leaned over, resting her head on Zell's good shoulder.

Glancing to Squall, she noticed he hadn't heeded Zell's suggestion, as he was listening to their conversation. She could tell that he was shaken with Zell's words; he had true concern for his friend - she forgot sometimes how far he had come.

Placing her hand on his bicep, she continued, "Zell, some of us _are_ closer to the ones we love. Squall and I have each other and even Laguna and Ellone. Since we found out from Sirtis, neither Squall nor I have really taken the time to find out how you're handling all this… at least, I haven't. Right now, you should be the one in a plane or boat or in something headed towards Balamb. It doesn't matter how you get there, but you're supposed to be on your way back to your Ma and Alex. Instead, you're sitting on couch with me… and, not only that, you're trying to cheer _me _up. No matter what's going on in my mind, it's kind of selfish of me to be that upset when you can't even tell your family you love them."

"I'm the one who's supposed to be trained to handle this stuff."

"Zell, nobody can train you for this. They can tell you how to focus all they want but, until they've been in your shoes, no book can dictate how you're going to feel. I've been trying to wrestle with a few things myself, but that's the load of Behemoth crap – you're the one who must feel alone in this. You might not be alone-alone, but compared to what we have… you must feel so alone at times. For what it's worth… love you and really am sorry."

"S'ok." He shrugged. "Honestly, worrying about you and joking around keeps my mind off how royally screwed we are. Even if I wasn't serious when I said it earlier, maybe it's the best for me to refocus and stuff. Believe me, it's not because of Cid or Garden, but it's all about my Ma and the one particular SeeD I want to marry when this is over." He then smiled. "And don't you dare throw an Irvine joke in there. He's not the SeeD I want to marry."

"I know. Sorry that Selphie beat you to him but settling for Alex in this case is a _really_ good thing." Rinoa laughed softly, it sounded nothing like earlier, but it was genuine. Thankfully, Zell joined in, but not before he jokingly poked her in the ribs.

"Hush girl or I'll ask how you did in the wet t-shirt contest, because well… we all know that one usually needs bigger 'assets' to win."

She poked him in return. "Funny, very funny. Ha."

Squall had been listening. It bothered him to know this was yet another thing he should've handled differently - not as a commander, but as a friend. "Zell, I'm also guilty. I'm sorry to say that it had crossed my mind, but I never acted."

Squall knew that when he'd reflect on this mission, Zell would always play vital role. From stepping onto the vessel that took them to Dollet, to kicking in his sleep (an unfortunate discovery when sharing the van's floor), to realizing there was a second shooter, and up until this moment now – Zell had a positive outlook on this mission no matter what was thrown at them. Just as importantly, if not more so, Zell had also played his own role in helping him rekindle things with Rinoa - from that first punch to bad punch-lines in his meat-driven pep talks, open microphones, and most importantly being his best man…and maybe even his best friend.

Rinoa had been a hundred percent correct — Zell shouldn't be here, he should be home asking Alex to marry him. "You should be with Alex right now. You should be engaged."

Zell nodded toward the commander, glad that his friend acknowledged him. It was difficult, but he would keep smiling though — he always found a way.

Rinoa pulled back, asking the pertinent question at hand. "So… any ideas on how you're going to ask Alex to marry you?"

"Nah, not really. I've had few here and there, but dunno, nothing solid. I mean, now I get to follow on the heels of Commander Spontaneous over there… I actually thought Irvine's proposal to Selphie on the train was really sweet, but that's not really Alex. I'm up open for any ideas, if you get any."

To everyone's surprise, Squall had some advice. "Don't worry about what we did. Just do what feels right and you can't go wrong."

"Awww, that's so sweet." Rinoa said, giving the martial artist a quick peck on the cheek.

Snickering, he looked towards Squall. "_Priceless._ You say it and I get the kiss. It's your honeymoon and, in the last four hours, I've now officially had more action than you."

"I'll forgo the juvenile retort and just say get your ass back to work. We need to catch this guy so you can go plan a wedding."

Rinoa stood up, giving Zell a wistful smile. "You'd better listen to him. He has a good point… for once."

"Yeah, he does. _For once_." Maybe this conversation was the motivational kick in the shins he needed. Maybe watching the monitor would be a little less daunting. It was ironic, he went over to help her but, it turned out that he also needed help.

Taking a deep breath, Rinoa knew that her mind had only been temporarily distracted. This unsettling feeling wouldn't go away until Zone was cleared. Standing up, she walked over to Squall, giving him a kiss on the cheek. She could've jokingly mentioned it was to even out the 'action,' but it honestly was for his advice to Zell.

Pulling out the chair beside him was his silent way of inviting her. She wanted to at least feel part of this investigation instead of just aimlessly waiting around.

"Need to talk?"

"Later." She gave a half-hearted smile.

"I'm here."

"I know." She nodded to the stack of folders in front of him. "Want to hand me one?"

"If you're up to it. I could always use the help." He eyed her carefully, looking at the slight discoloration of her shirt. "Sure you didn't lose a battle with a rain cloud?"

"No, I won. Kicked its fluffy butt so hard that Esthar now has new lake right outside. Now just hand me a damn folder, Leonhart," she demanded teasingly. She loved when they shared this private banter; she forgot how much she had missed it.

He started shuffling through them, trying to find one to hand to her.

"Being picky?" she asked, only half-joking, "What are these files about anyhow? Suppose I should know what I'm going to be looking at."

"We're now working off the theory that this was personal, not political." He paused a little, unsure how to word this. "…basically this is just the first box of people that might have a reason to come after me. It's not that I'm trying to be picky. I guess… it's that I'd rather not have you read some of the more colorful commentary of some of the clients. You might start to question why you married me."

Rinoa rolled her eyes, grabbing the nearest file. She playfully whacked him on the arm with the folder. "I already know what people say about you. In fact, _I_-"

She stopped abruptly, hearing the faint sounds of the door's keypad. With each electronic beep, her anxiety grew. Squall could physically see her tense; he had known something had been off since her return, but decided not to pry more than a passing mention. She would tell him when she was ready or able to, but seeing her so freaked out about the door didn't fit any plausible scenario. Even stranger was that when it opened and Lauren walked in, the SeeD zeroed in on Rinoa. It was… unnerving to him, but Squall tried not to overanalyze. He was the one that requested Lauren to look for her, but never expected more than just a meaningless exchange of pleasantries.

Squall was just about to say something to Lauren but, to his surprise, Rinoa got up, nearly tripping over herself to get to the other side of the room. Again, Zell and Squall found them exchanging looks of utter confusion.

This really didn't bode well.

 

* * *

**Chapter Eighty-Four: Rocks and Shoals**   


* * *

She should have showed restraint, but that was lost hours ago.

The minute Rinoa ran over to Lauren as if she was some long-lost friend, she knew that whatever happened next would need some sort of explanation – either way it fell, she would offer the truth.

There was little chance of her passing it off as 'no big deal,' especially after her foot managed to yet again get caught in Esthar's oddly-shaped chairs. Maybe Zell's skill balancing act was more impressive than she originally gave him credit for; Rinoa was finding it a big enough challenge to balance on two feet.

For her own sanity, Rinoa never looked behind her, fairly certain that all eyes were trained on her. In typical SeeD fashion, the men were most likely analyzing her actions down to the smallest detail; she wouldn't blame them as this went against every conceivable ounce of logic.

Stopping a few steps before, Rinoa quickly attempted to weigh her options. She and Lauren could go out the main door into the hall, but they could be heard by any random passerby. Not to mention that anyone in the building who knew their history would find this a little suspect – and this building was probably brimming of people who knew their history. There was always the hallway to the interrogation room as well - it was where Zell had the privilege of waiting while the headmaster got to berate their relationship up close and personal. Rinoa still hadn't fully processed that joyful encounter, but now she was trying to deal with so much more.

Yet, there was nagging feeling she couldn't explain. Something inside was almost reaching out, begging that she stay close to Squall. Even if he was at the other side of the room, she needed to know he was present. The end result wasn't going to change; after Lauren left, the entire truth was going to come out. She would tell them, but hearing the answer was something she felt obligated to do on her own.

So, it was decided. Rinoa ushered Lauren to the far corner and the SeeD followed, albeit hesitantly.

Lauren felt uncomfortable in the given situation, but was not clueless like the two men currently had to have been. The SeeD had no allegiance to Rinoa, seeing as what respect there was stemmed from her connect to Squall and her help with Ultimecia. Even before transferring from Trabia, Lauren had always wanted to meet her, curious to study a sorceress to see what type of woman could wield so much power. After meeting her, she still wondered.

The fact remained, on some surprising level, Lauren did hold some admiration for the girl. If not, she could have just as easily taken the information and the credit, but there would be no victory in that. Whether the rest of the world knew it or not, Squall was still very much in command — a fact she refused to look past.

As for Zell, since he was the closest to where the women stood, he decided to allow them their space. Standing up, he didn't even look back, although he really wanted to. He wouldn't deny that bit of morbid curiosity that was gnawing at his insides because, anyway he looked at it, this was just plain weird. He was just as fascinated by this turn of events as Squall was, but whereas it more personal for the commander, Zell could freely look at this for what any normal outsider would see it as… weird but fascinating.

In a way, 'weird but fascinating' also seemed like an apt way to describe Squall and Rinoa's relationship as a whole. Those two _totally_ defined normalcy in his book, you know, just skimming the surface with - her falling into a coma, him jumping in space, her nearly being sealed away forever, him being a knight, her being a sorceress, and then finding each other somewhere in time. And to top themselves in the normalcy department, they'd gotten married when one of them was sorta, kinda legally dead and had a girlfriend. According to Zell, the fact that these two women were huddled in a corner whispering was possibly the most normal thing in their relationship. It almost made the way he met Alexandra seem like a bit of a letdown – standing in the lunch line and begging to cut in front of her for hotdogs… wouldn't exactly make an epic story for the grandkids, but at least it was at least _way more_ believable.

Walking to join Squall, Zell hadn't looked back yet as he focused on the commander. Again, Squall showed no outward signs of well…anything. Making it the table, Zell grabbed the chair Rinoa had been using, but flipped it backward before he sat down. This really wasn't his thing, it was something Seifer did far more often to irritate instructors, but it was a sure-fire way from tipping back on two legs.

Leaning his elbows on the chair's back, he looked over at Squall. He could tell that his friend was concerned. Although his face never betrayed the facade, other facts had – he'd been holding the same file for some time without even looking at. More telling was the fact that he somehow didn't even notice it _wasn't open_.

And as the martial artist finally looked at the two women from across the room, he wanted to find the right thing to say to Squall, but it was probably something else in the world that didn't exist. So, he figured that he'd just sit here quietly and be supportive if nothing else. Truthfully, looking at the two women like this, Zell's first thoughts were a bit… Zell.

"Say it."

Squall knew the demand had shocked Zell but the silence was bothering him more he thought. And right now, Squall strangely needed that distraction.

"Uh… it? I mean, what?"

"Whatever smartass remark you thought. Tell me."

"Squall, I didn't think anything… but I mean it's weird, that's all."

"_Tell me." _

Zell was taken aback, no matter how quietly spoken his words were, their edge made it clear that it was a warning. "Yeah… okay, guess I was thinking it doesn't matter what anyone says, once you put them side-by-side, they really look nothing alike. It's rather obvious that Lauren…" He paused, holding back on everything he thinking, so he went with his second choice, "…is taller. I mean, look she's nearly an entire head taller. Rinoa is… shorter than I remember."

"Fucking bullshit." This time, the commander turned to look at Zell, setting down his folder. "I asked what you were really thinking. Up until now, you've been more than willing to offer your opinions. Now drop the bullshit and tell me."

What Squall didn't say was that no matter how unwanted Zell's opinions were, they often held a grain of truth to them. Looking at them standing together like this, he _wanted_ that truth.

"Whatever man, I don't get you. I screw around, you get pissed; I do the right thing, you still get pissed. You win – I was thinking Lauren's taller and would have a good chance at placing in a wet t-shirt contest. Rin's a lot more personable and has this natural hotness factor while Lauren has to work at it and… is that enough? Because something tells me this isn't about them or about differences and similarities they do or don't have, it's about you. So if this is about blaming yourself because for some reason Rin's talking to her and not you for some reason. Looking over there, you can see she's upset so just…forget your past mistakes, just don't go make new ones."

"All right."

If Squall's earlier comment had caught Zell off guard, there was prepared for that one or the words that would follow. "They're not alike, but maybe I wanted them to be. Maybe I denied, no, I did deny it for nearly two years. When I first saw Lauren across the room… for a minute I could see the smallest traces of Rinoa in her. I hated myself for it; I hated myself for everything that came after that night. Every time I heard the whispers of them looking alike I convinced myself they were wrong, but I was the one who was wrong. Seeing them standing next to each other, I see my denial. They are nothing alike, but I wanted them to be."

Seeing them across the room, whatever he had tricked himself into believing, was no longer there. They were as different as night and day — they always had been.

He had told Rinoa the truth the first night he stayed – those moments of whether she would tell him to stay or go were some of the longest of his life. He once had to prove to everyone that he was stable enough to have a girlfriend and, as evidenced by their little encounter with Cid, it had worked, maybe a little too well. Those that knew the truth didn't say anything, those that didn't know Rinoa like he did – _they_ _had plenty to say_. He tolerated a relationship with Lauren for those rare moments that he could fool himself – whether a fleeting glance across the room, or seeing dark hair on a pillow. He denied it to everyone else but he could never deny it to her. Even if he lost her that night, he couldn't lie anymore. Making himself tell Zell was just another step forward, even though in his heart he felt it was a giant step back.

And Zell understood. For all the pain and denial of the years, Zell understood. "That's the past, man. Look over there and realize that's your wife. No, I'm not going to make another comment about which one… only going to say it's the one you wanted it to be the whole time."

The only response was a mumbled sound, but Zell knew that his friend was appreciative. No words would make the feelings completely fade so the martial artist questioned the situation at the hand instead.

"I'm guessing you have no idea what they're talking about?"

"No, but for her to be acting like that, it can't be good."

"Her?"

"Rinoa. Seriously?" he shot back in anger. It was obvious who he meant, at least in his mind.

"Sorry, you're right. I mean, I meaning they were both acting… odd. Lauren's not the type to talk to…um, how do I say it… someone like Rinoa."

"A civilian?" For Zell's sake, the commander hoped that's where that comment had been headed. Nevertheless, he was right, Lauren only helped before when Rinoa was a go-between. No, all logic pointed that she would've been speaking to Squall, if no other reason than he was her superior.

"Yeah, exactly... Plus, for Rinoa to be willingly be talking to her… maybe we should we go in the in the hall and give them some privacy?"

"Really Zell, _really_?" If his earlier warning didn't get through, that one should have. "And here I had just decided _not _to mar you in your sleep… then you go and say that."

"What…?" He hadn't meant _anything like that_, but then it hit him. He put his hands in defense. "Oh, no, no… I _really _meant maybe Rinoa would feel more comfortable with us being gone. I really didn't mean that. Sorry."

"It's fine." Squall didn't apologize for the misunderstanding. Zell only had himself to blame as there was plenty of precedence to give his comment a second meaning. Plus, the commander was too irritated at himself to try to wade through his own hang-ups versus Zell's bullshit. The longer he watched them talk, the more failure he placed upon himself. This was his fault; he knew something was wrong and not only had Zell been the one to comfort her first, now it seemed that for some reason, she even trusted Lauren more than him. He knew that theory held no reason, but still it didn't make it easier to take.

Swallowing the emotions he harbored, there was something Squall needed to say. "I knew it, I just knew something was up, but I didn't push it. You at least managed to distract her earlier… thank you for that."

"Seriously, no problem man. She's my friend too… and I know it's got to be bad if she's talking to Lauren."

Squall didn't respond. Once more he tried not to take it personally, but having it reiterated had the opposite effect. He still wondered why Rinoa didn't feel as if she could talk to him. The only response he got was 'later.' It was difficult, but the important thing was that she wasn't keeping it bottled in; he needed to be thankful that she was able to speak to someone, even if it wasn't him.

This wasn't a matter of his pride; this was simply about her.

* * *

When the two women first were in the corner, Lauren purposely situated herself so that her back was toward the men. This way, when she removed the phone from her jacket pocket, she could pass it back without it being seen. Rinoa grabbed it easily, tucking it in her palm and out of sight.

Patiently, Rinoa listened as Lauren explained about the process of triangulating calls and how towers differentiated from one another. Rinoa wasn't the least bit technical-minded, but did her best to follow along. She wished that the SeeD would just skip to the answer, yet an answer without understanding, really couldn't be used as solid proof.

Something inside cried out to look up at Squall for support, but just having him close would be enough to suffice. She knew he couldn't understand, hell, she didn't either. In this minute, this remained her battle. He had faced so many alone so this was the least she could do – not only for him, but for herself. Just knowing that she was loved beyond all reason, gave her the strength to get through this.

It was probably one of the most inappropriate times for her mind to wander, but listening to the boringly-long explanation reminded her of Quistis' lectures. Even through that mind-numbing fog, Rinoa managed to grasp the basics — namely how some regions only had the ability to trace a tower while the phone was in use, while others used a different process and could gather records after the fact. The final part of Lauren's explanation touched upon Galbadia's ethics - that they still were very insistent on tracking movements. Since the towers in question would most likely fall under their jurisdiction, there would most likely be detailed records.

For once, Galbadia's stronghold of the world had come in for their favor.

Lauren knew it was now or never — even she had been surprised at how it difficult this had become. Maybe a part of her had actually started to feel for the girl.

"Rinoa, you were correct about the phone being issued through Timber. We were able to obtain the records legally in that regards. However, we did bypass a few steps in between. I've actually filed the requests and we're getting the authorization through the proper channels. The clearance will take us anywhere between three and ten hours, depending on who processes the requests. After we get the approval, we will be able to receive _this_ information officially. So again, the information I have is _technically_ off the record, do you understand?"

"…I understand." Rinoa replied slowly. The last thing she wanted to hear was some explanation of paper work – no actually, there was _one thing_ she wanted to hear even less. Even if that was true, she couldn't wait any longer.

It felt as if repeating the two words 'I understand' aloud became a legal signature that decided someone's fate. Somewhere inside, her conscience desperately called out to remind her that she was not the one sealed his fate. If he was guilty, then he had done that completely to himself. Unfortunately, whatever words that internal voice tried offer were drowned out by the rest of her conscience.

"Okay, Rinoa, as long as you understand that _you can't officially act_ on this information until we receive clearance, I'll continue." The SeeD wanted to emphasize that point, but was careful to keep her voice down. "We were able to pull the records from that phone number for the entire day. There were some very early morning calls that were bounced off the Nanchucket Island and Mandy Beach towers and then a few off shore at Fisherman's Horizon."

A wave of relief flooded her, as she placed a hand over her heart. "Thank god, he was at Fisherman's Horizon."

Lauren had made a point not to avoid saying names just in case her voice carried. "Wait, Rinoa, I'm not sure you're understanding what I'm trying to get at… Yes, he, or at least his phone, _was_ at FH. When I said early, I meant _early_. I'm talking around three in the morning. The last call routed from any of those towers was still before dawn… I pulled up the train schedule to corroborate and I found that it would have put him back in Timber at 6:05am. Then there are several hours where no calls were either received of placed. Given the lack of information, it's entirely possible that the phone was off. However, the next call was the one placed to you, estimated a little over an hour after Squall was shot. His cell to your home phone –"

"Where?" she pleaded, finding the wait unbearable.

"A tower just north of East Academy station. After that, he called another number a few times. Those calls were first routed off the East tower, the later ones off a tower that's near Obel Lake. Following the trail, it looks like someone who would be headed south. If he traveled by train, it would have returned to Timber's station in plenty of time to pick you up for dinner."

Rinoa closed her eyes. "No, please, no…"

Lauren found herself putting a hand on her shoulder. "Do you need to sit down?"

Taking an uneasy step back, Rinoa fell against the wall. It seemed like one of those campy movies where the camera would continue to spin at 360 degrees. Bringing her hands to her chest, the phone slipped from her fingers and the sound of plastic hitting the tiles floor echoed loudly. Her legs finally gave way as she slowly collapsed to the ground.

Squall refused to be a bystander any longer. He had no idea what the hell was happening or what the hell Lauren said that would have upset her to this degree, but he'd be damned if he'd let this continue. There was allowing her space, but there was also a point where he wouldn't let face this alone – it didn't matter what 'this' was, if it hurt her, it hurt him.

He found himself standing, he didn't even remember exactly when or how. But the moment the phone left her hand, he could have sworn he had made it across the room before it even hit the floor.

"Rinoa?" He kneeled in front of her, gently placing his hands on her shoulders. He didn't care if she didn't want to talk to him; he just wanted to make sure she was all right.

"Look at me." She didn't. Being in the dark about her pain was bad, seeing her like this was far worse.

"Rinoa, please?" he practically found himself begging for a response.

She didn't have the ability to offer one. Instead of some feeble attempt at words, she managed to throw herself forward, wrapping her arms around his neck. It completely knocked him off balance and he almost fell over. Luckily, his quick reflexes kicked in as he managed to put his hand on the ground to keep from them both tumbling backwards. It took a few seconds of adjustment with the added weight, but he was finally to regain his balance. Carefully, he started to stand, gently guiding her up to her feet with him. His arms were still tightly around her, tight enough to actually pull her up as she didn't seem to be standing on her own accord. Not that it mattered anyway – he wasn't about to let her go.

He honestly had no idea what was going on, but he certainly didn't like it. Maybe it wasn't his business, but he flat-out refused to let it continue like this, especially if Lauren was somehow involved. It didn't seem like getting a straight answer from Rinoa was going to be an option, although he didn't care for the only other choice present. But what sickened him even more was feeling absolutely powerless to help. Turning his head, he looked at Lauren. She blinked a few times, holding her ground the best she could.

Squall Leonhart _did not_ like that answer.

"What the hell is going on?" His demand wasn't loud, but the intent was felt crystal clear. Lauren could not recall a time where the commander's words held so much passion, so much venom. In two years, he had never demonstrated that level of emotion over anything. She also knew the words were not only meant to communicate anger, but laced within was a very caustic accusation. The six words were much more than just a question and, if one could read between the lines, they also held a very real threat.

This was the first time that Lauren felt uncomfortable around him. In the past, she had always held her own, with the confidence and skill to back it up. But now, his menacing demeanor reminded her of her first day as cadet in Trabia. Even then, the instructor's intimidation level was nowhere close to this. Still, even if she felt coerced, she wouldn't cave. It wasn't her place to explain, although she knew the commander would undoubtedly not see it the same way.

To Squall's surprise, Lauren's indirect response was to snap herself into military attention.

To him, this was a fucking direct order and she just fucking disobeyed it. Interim commander or not, she was still his secondary and not answering was nothing less than direct insubordination. He could write her up, could suspend her without pay… hell, he could stop her career dead in its tracks. If she didn't answer soon, he was damn well going to do every one of those and so much more. If this came down to a matter of wills, Squall had way too much to lose and not one fucking person was going to stand in his way, _especially her_. The one thing he didn't care about was the one thing that mattered most to her – a future in SeeD. If that was the card he had to play, he wouldn't be above doing it and not blink an eyelash. He had played in their political games so long, he knew exactly how to destroy her.

Finally, she broke from her position, but continued her next movements with military-like precision as his scathing gaze watched her kneel down and retrieve the mobile phone off of the floor. Again, each of her moves was designed to be overly-deliberate as she continued to prove her point. His misdirected anger wasn't her problem — _it was his._

Again, with military posturing, she pivoted to the right. It was then that Squall noticed Zell's shadow standing almost directly behind him. Squall had no idea when he'd come over, but had to believe his friend's intent wasn't just to visit. There was no doubt in the commander's mind that the only reason Zell showed up was to run interference or step between if them if he felt it was necessary.

Quite simply, Zell was there to protect the commander… from himself.

Squall would never do anything. Regrettably, that was another thing with unfortunate precedence. The commander didn't appreciate the lack of confidence from another subordinate, but he was slightly more tolerant with Zell. His friend was being cautious and was looking out for everybody's best interests.

"Squall," Lauren began. She would've liked to have said that it had been a slip of the tongue, but it wasn't. He wasn't acting professional, so she extended the same courtesy. However, even if she found herself stepping over the line at times, she didn't want to cross to a point of no return.

"Commander Leonhart, it's not my place to explain. I'll be following up on something in the data analysis lab and will be awaiting your orders, sir."

"It might not be your place, but you better damn well start talking. I have no idea what you said _or did_, but you cannot just hurt her like this out of some spite."

Lauren clenched her jaw, contemplating her options. He really did seem hell-bent on blaming her; he was being irrational and his judgment was completely colored. Here she was, trying to _help_ Rinoa and he had already turned her into the enemy. Her words wouldn't get through to him and it was clear to her that he didn't want to hear anything she had to offer anyway — he only needed to hear what Rinoa had to say.

With another formal pivot, she took two forward steps forward to Zell. "This is Rinoa's."

He arched an eyebrow at her, more surprised that she was openly disregarding Squall's authority. It came across as if she were mocking his competence, tempting fate at the very least. Zell wouldn't deny the commander was being emotional and tad irrational, okay _very_ irrational, but this still seemed more like battle of pride between the two.

As if she was trying to provoke him further, she continued speaking to Zell, it was concerning that he appeared to be the more rational of the two. "She'll want to keep track of the phone, but it's best if you hold it for the time being. Also, to update you to the situation, Kiros has finished interrogating Sirtis. He and Ward have now processed him fully and we'll be transferred out shortly to a more suitable facility. As I stated, I'll be in the upper digital communications lab when you need me. You can access it by dialing #427 on the phone. I'm also currently coordinating with the team in Fisherman's Horizon. That situation has been wrapped up to the best of SeeDs' abilities, so the team's heading out for a more-pressing assignment." She smiled slightly. "Don't worry, I have permission to tell Alex that I spoke with you directly and that you're doing well. Any messages?"

He knew he probably shouldn't have responded, but easier said than done. It was one thing when she was rambling off an update - it was another when it turned personal. He believed there was no end in sight and this might be his one chance of giving her a message. Squall's wounded pride or not, he was damn well going to take it.

"Tell her I miss her… please." He wanted to say so much, wanted to tell her so many things, but playing 'telephone' didn't seem like the right time. Plus, they simply weren't one of 'those couples' — the 'darlin' and 'dear's' were much more Selphie and Irvine. Then he thought of the perfect thing for them, not the rest of the world.

"Oh, tell her 'artichokes and jackrabbits," he managed with a lopsided smirk. "She'll know what it means."

Lauren nodded as she got the message, but thankfully didn't understand it. She started to leave, but Squall refused to back down. He had had allowed her to talk to Zell, believing that she might have come to her senses. Then when she was talking about Alex, he held his tongue, for his friend's sake. But, the moment she turned her back on him, the anger flared again.

"Don't you fucking walk away, this conversation is not over. It's not Rinoa's responsibility to tell me what bullshit thing you said. If you want any chance of keeping your command, or your damn job, you better talk."

At this point, even he knew he was coming across as irrational and he hated himself for it. His temper was rarely seen, but it had been building slowly over the day and her condescending-as-ever attitude pushed him over the edge.

As for Lauren, she refused to back down either.

If Squall couldn't see that it wasn't her place to say by now, then he truly had lost his objectivity in life. Honestly, she was growing tired of this and Rinoa was starting to wear on her too. She understood the initial shock, but it didn't take much for the girl to speak up at least to agree. This was why the SeeD never did well with emotional people; she didn't have the patience to coddle them like toddlers.

What she would do next certainly wouldn't go over well, but she felt she needed to prod the sorceress in the right direction. It seemed that Zell was the only other person capable of thinking logically – not a thought she ever believed would happen.

"Rinoa, what we talked about is between us on my end. Sometimes the truth is hard to face, but you need to find the strength. You were doing fine — don't regress because he's here. I'm going to be blunt here - you need to face reality. We cannot sit too long."

Squall was going to be 'blunt' too but before he could get a single word out, Rinoa finally spoke. Not only did she answer, she thanked Lauren – and it was completely genuine-sounding.

"Thank you… and I do understand. I just don't want anybody else to get hurt."

Her response was something neither woman expanded on, but something mutually-understood.

Lauren nodded in kind. She knew that Rinoa's words weren't going to be enough to pacify Squall — that degree of anger didn't subside so easily. If nothing else, it might have given him pause enough to start to re-evaluate his rather one-sided view of the situation. If he had looked at it objectively in the first place, the truth might have been a whole lot easier to see. Lauren wouldn't be holding her breath for an apology, however.

Just because he failed at being objective, didn't mean she had to. And, yes, maybe she had let her pride get the better of her too but, before she left, she wanted to end this on a better note - even if Squall questioned the sincerity. Before turning and walking out the door, she proceeded in giving him a proper SeeD salute.

After she left, Rinoa had to wonder how she had arrived at this point; what twisted road would deliver her to the most beautiful night in her life only to continue on to bring her to one of her worst lows? It wasn't the worst, she'd admit that, but if his aim had been a little bit better, it just might have been.

_But why?_ Why go after him now?

It had been three years — years she spent trying to leave the past behind. Instead, his actions had brought it front and center again, that was something he'd be forced to live with, but something she willingly accepted. Closing her eyes tighter, she realized just how much – she'd accept it today, tomorrow, and as long as time allowed.

The reality it was, if it was true, it was Zone's fault. Nothing more, nothing less. He had knowingly placed himself in this position; he wasn't worth the pity.

…Yet, she knew that wasn't true, she could never be that heartless. No matter how sick he was, he _was_ her friend. There was no doubt that someone who twisted and manipulated any reason to justify cold-blooded murder was ill – regardless of the person, whether it was Sirtis or Zone.

Sirtis. With that name, she fought collapsing again, Squall's arms being her only salvation. She was reminded of another unfortunate reality… an 'unwritten rule.' It was that rule responsible for bringing Lauren to Esthar, it was why Squall had trusted her to lead. And again, Rinoa found another person's life was in the interim commander's hands. In retrospect, it was a decision that most likely changed the mission's outcome. If a rogue SeeD had shot Sirtis, the truth would've been buried with him.

Shoot first, ask questions never…

The bile from her stomach rose again with such a simple thought. A simple thought that led to a world of complexity. Any doubt about the truth washed away - _he_ was the one insisting 'the killer' never be given the opportunity to explain. Zone's philosophy of life was based on the existence of conspiracies and ulterior motives. Yet, this was the _one _time where he sided with the government - of SeeD - to shoot without getting answers.

It's what he expected of SeeD — it's what he _wanted._

Rinoa had no idea how much time passed in his arms, but his echoed breath served as a reminder that he was alive. If it hadn't been for her, he might have never been placed in this position. Guilt, like love, was a difficult feeling to shake. No matter how hard it became, she needed to confess; the silence was only temporary – he was going to learn the truth and it needed to come from her. The longer she kept this bottled inside, the bigger her mind made that first step.

She reminded herself that she didn't have to be strong enough to get through _all_ this right now, just strong enough to trust him. It took everything she had left, but she slowly stepped back. His silence never broke, but even then she could see his concern.

In the midst of all this, she came to the most awkwardly-timed realization in the history of… _ever._ She would never admit this but, she also couldn't deny it, she had never been more attracted to him on both an emotional and physical level than right now. It was everything about him from the way he defended her without hesitation, without question — to the concern she saw in his eyes. From the way he protected her to the smiles reserved just for her. In the middle of a seeming hell, she had found her peace. Maybe it was wrong to take comfort in this right now, but… she could just _feel_ how deeply he cared.

…She could _feel_ it.

It had been far too long since they'd connected on an empathetic level. There had been a few brief and fleeting moments that teetered on that border, but this was a spark with absolute clarity. Weeks ago, remnants of their bond connected them in Timber; when she saw a faded image in a restaurant. That had been the first time in years but, no matter how faded, she realized now it was always just under the surface.

In her mind, that old bond was gone, replaced with a new one. One built on a solid foundation was better than one built on illusions of the past. It wasn't perfect, but that word had left her vocabulary when she was five. She didn't want perfect, she wanted _real._

And _real _was him coming to her defense, and real was standing here. Whatever the world threw at them, they were stronger. Still, before she told him, it wasn't a bad idea to throw some kindling on that spark. She knew her actions would only be more confusing, but it felt necessary.

No… it _was_ necessary.

"Need to talk now?" he reiterated his earlier question, his hand rubbing her back in small circles.

"Yeah… I really do." Her answer was firm, as was her next request. "Please, don't ask. I need to do this first."

"Do wha-?" He was cut off as she crushed her lips to his.

Caught off guard, he found himself hesitating; this wasn't exactly the ideal place, especially after his confrontation a minute ago. Still, he found himself giving in, at least in part. It was obviously something she needed and it wasn't his place to object. It was as if she believed this was a last testament to her feelings, afraid he was going to be mad… _or leave._

The thought terrified him, and he found himself pulling away.

"Um, you guys want privacy?" Zell asked, feeling more like a third wheel than ever. He wasn't sure if they remembered that he was there, though he doubted Squall could overlook that fact.

He laughed tensely. "…So, yeah… lemme just head out. Guess it's time for the hall and I to go on our second date. Then again, I've sorta been eyeing that closet over there – I love a little variety."

That reminded him of another awkward situation. "Just so you know, chillin' in a closet alone is fine… chillin' and squeezing in one with Squall can be defined as too much variety. All those and my many issues aside, I'll give you guys space. I know you need it."

"No, don't. This involves you too."

"Okay, I'm going to be honest with you Rin. If this were any other time, I'd be making the obvious threesome comment here - an inevitable side effect of being exposed to the manliness that is 'the Zell,' but as flattered as I am - it's been a rough few hours and I don't exactly need a fist to the face to add to that. Kidding aside, today's been… hard to process. I'd like to ask if this can wait until morning, but I kinda got the impression… it can't." Zell's tone lacked its normal enthusiasm.

Why he'd even beseech such a request, he had no idea – perhaps it was a plea to preserve his last shred of sanity, maybe? He knew it was in vain, but he just needed to try anyway — a last-ditch attempt, if nothing else. Lauren was rather adamant that _something_ had to be dealt with _now._ He was just surprised that whatever it was included him.

Her expression never wavered and that stood out above everything else. Zell had always tried his damndest to cheer her up, to get her to laugh, but with every piece of bad news, she became a little more disheartened. He believed it might have taken its toll — it had on him. Honestly, he just wanted to make it until morning before piling on more steaming Behemoth crap; today had already filled its quota and then some.

"I'm sorry… so, so sorry. It just…. can't." She'd purposely avoided eye contact with both men — everything about her apology had fallen short.

Saying the words, she pulled further away from Squall. Yes, he personified her strength but, his touch had become a constant reminder that he could have died on the operating table and that her best friend was fucking responsible.

He had noticed her movements. She wasn't as stealthy as she wanted to be and the more she tried to act casual, the more apparent it became. It was a bit surprising and a lot concerning

Distancing oneself was often a strategic move to feel as alone as possible, but tactical moves weren't Rinoa and neither was acting like this. He found himself studying her, from her posture to her newfound fascination with the clock on the wall.

The second hand ticked by countless numbers before she finally looked back. With a pensive smile, her voice remained crestfallen. "How is it possible for time to pass so quickly, but feel like an eternity? All this time, all these weeks, it boils down to _this_." Her fingers combed through her bangs, pulling it slightly in frustration. "Three to five hours… it's so little time. It takes me longer to decide what I'm having for dinner."

From that comment, she made one of the most unlikely leaps in words as she looked toward Zell. "The winds of the heavens shift suddenly, so does human fate."

"Rin, um yeah…okay… I'm not really sure what sure what you're getting at, besides sounding really wise... or like a fortune cookie. I'm sure that meant something but kinda I'm too beaten down to get all philosophical."

"I know." She smiled, not at the comment, but at the memories.

Zone had bestowed that piece of wisdom the day she joined the Forest Owls. Truthfully, her response was rather similar to Zell's, albeit with a slight difference - she asked if it was from a fortune cookie or some motivational saying from his 'prized magazine collection.' Rinoa was right – _twice._ It was a saying that Miss September read on a fortune cookie and then listed it the magazine as her life's motto. No matter the source, Rinoa believed that the words rang true.

In a way, it had become Zell's fate as it was his future that most shifted with the wind. He was closer to home than ever — he just didn't know it. Shaking her head, she spoke softly, "Don't worry, just an old proverb a friend once told me… How about I put it this way, every cloud has a silver lining… Today, you're my silver lining."

"How 'bout platinum lining? Silver is s_ooo _is so passé." He was trying to keep it light, but it was still rather difficult in his state. "…Sorry."

Zell was right – he was her platinum lining. In twenty-four hours, he could even be an engaged man…that is, if he didn't 'chicken-wuss' out. There were positives, many of them even, she just remind herself of this. Like Zell, she had a new life to start too.

"Don't be sorry. You and Squall have nothing to be sorry for… at all. When this is over, I want to have this again… I lost all of you for too long." With her index finger, she outlined a circle between them. This dynamic was something she had treasured. She didn't want to lose it again, not like last time. It was their dorks, their zombies, and their henceforths. It was bad jokes about the van-from-hell, it was strawberries, whip cream, and his wholly-inappropriate sexual innuendos.

It was memories.

She'd lost so much over a lifetime and now she was destined to lose more. She couldn't lose this too.

By now, both men knew just how serious this was; there was some sort of finality in her words, there was also fear. As a SeeD, Squall wanted to ask questions but as someone who loved her, he wouldn't. Her words, coupled with pulling away, said enough to worry him. He respected that choice, but wanted to remind her that she wasn't alone, even if she wanted to be. Saying nothing, he reached over and placed his thumb on her cheek, brushing the tears away.

Rinoa had become so emotionally numb, she honestly hadn't been aware of the crying. With his touch, she tried desperately to get the words out before the guilt swallowed her.

"I want you two to know how sorry I am… I had no idea…"

"It's okay. We're both here. _I'm _here."

She nodded. At least this was going slightly better than when she told Lauren. She'd done it once, the words were out in the universe, but once she told Squall, everything would change. If by some non-existent possibility they were wrong, the damage had already been done.

Whatever she said next, she knew she'd end up losing one of them.

One was the person who encouraged her independence, the one who taught her how to fight for her beliefs. For the last three years, he'd been her best friend and confidant; the one who called to laugh at bad movies and cheered her up, bringing chocolate muffins and coffee.

The other was, simply put, the man she loved since _their_ beginning.

There was no choice, there never had been.

"I love you." His confession made her heart sink, but inside she needed that final push. Maybe he knew… Reaching out, he took her hand in his. Instinctively, she wanted to pull away, but he wouldn't let her. Leaning over, he softly placed a kiss on the outside of her ear, whispering a single word, "Always."

Their eyes met as she blinked away the tears she was now fully aware of. Between a barrier and the truth remained only her confession. With the simplest of touches, the mental dam she'd made to block emotion had flooded.

"I'm so sorry. I should've seen it, but I didn't. I _couldn't_. We had him, right? The video and the color - he couldn't have… her hair was green. Why go to FH at all?"

Her words were apologetic and they were nonsensical, they were nothing like she needed them to be. …So much for it going better than with Lauren. Even still, at least she wasn't hysterical. If anything, her tone came off calm and indifferent — she was anything but.

To her surprise, he squeezed her hand. She expected a much different reaction, but it had become their silent form of encouragement over the last few days.

And maybe in that moment of support, she found clarity and a missing piece found its way into place. There had been no rhyme or reason why Zone had to go to Fisherman Horizon that morning so, why go at all? All of sudden she knew. _She knew._ He was setting up part of his alibi. It was small, but something that had become something of a ritual. Any time either Zone or Watts traveled to FH, they picked up fresh sea food from the docks. Erica would make a bouillabaisse recipe that had been in Watts' family for years. The next day, she'd always package enough for the three of them to eat at lunch.

If Zone was supposed to be in FH, the last thing he'd want to do would be to draw attention by breaking tradition. It was a small detail, but the details were the most important aspect in crafting an alibi, but no alibi is ever iron-clad. Zone had placed too much faith in Sirtis being killed — the one crucial detail beyond his control.

The men found themselves sharing looks of confusion, something rather commonplace in the last hour. At this point, Zell decided to step in. He knew that the commander was, in all probability, having a rough time – being patient with others wasn't exactly a virtue associated with Squall Leonhart. But whatever this was - _was_ important not only to her, but apparently Lauren. So Zell would be there, deciphering for as long as needed, if nothing more than for the love of a friend… that and he didn't exactly have anywhere else to be at this moment.

"Green hair… Okay, it has to be Flo Dobe, right? I mean… not sure who else and you did mention FH."

Squall was grateful for his friend but, unlike earlier, he wasn't going to just sit by — she needed to be reassured. The three of them had become an amazing, if not dysfunctional, team.

"Rinoa, it's okay, I promise. Nothing you say about FH will change anything – not you and I, not the friendship between the three of us, if that's what you're afraid of. You're not alone and I'm certainly not going anywhere after all it took for us to get here. …Always."

He knew that she'd understand its meaning from before. Placing a hand on her shoulder, she tried to mask it, but he read the desperation in her eyes. But she didn't shy away from his touch this time; in fact, she met her hand to his, wrapping her fingers around it. _Accepting._

Why was it her natural instinct to push him away? Not just now, but from the moment she figured it out.

She hated that there was still this barrier of trust, no matter how much she denied its existence. If it wasn't there, she wouldn't have run – her first reaction wouldn't have been closing herself off and shutting him out. But, unlike years ago, she could admit her faults and not passive-aggressively place blame on him. She shielded herself for so long and running was a defense mechanism. It was impossible to turn it on and off like the bathroom faucet.

She trailed their joined hands from her shoulder to her jaw. Softly, she planted butterfly kisses as he continued to watch her. It was an odd time to apologize but, in order to move forward, she needed to take this small step back. After that, she knew she could do it. In the end, this wasn't only about Zone but in how she handed herself throughout all of it.

"I'm so sorry, Squall. I shouldn't have left… I shouldn't have run. It's been so hard… all of this. Not just today, but the last three years. Those fears build… I think I'm okay, but when reality brought the last few days come crashing down, I got scared. So I ran – it makes no sense, god, I know it doesn't. I wish I could change who I told, but when Lauren ended up finding me in the restroom… I needed to confide in someone."

At least she was managing complete sentences, but maybe she would have been better off without them – at least they didn't hurt him.

"So… that's what that was." His words came out harsh. That hadn't been his intent, but he wasn't going to tiptoe around his surprise or his feelings.

She noticed the moment of pain. It was that sting that made her remember that this wasn't about her or her fears. Her emotions were honestly secondary, she wasn't the victim, yet here she was, unintentionally or not, playing one. Not only that but Squall was hurt again and this time she was _completely _at fault.

"Squall, before I explain that, please believe me I_ do_ trust you… my life would be yours. It's impossible to translate these emotions into words… All of a sudden, I was trapped in middle of something. If I'd made a mistake… there wasn't a return. It was to protect you, _protect us_. It's not something I could be wrong about, but I wanted to be. A hunch was just a hunch until I had proof. I learned that from you - no assumptions, right?"

"…Assumptions? Not having assumptions is important when it comes to work, not when it comes to us." He cupped her cheek as he softly ran his fingertips against her skin. "Rinoa, I thought after last night, you could tell me anything. We've talked about keeping things from each other. It's hard for me to understand why you'd feel like this the very next day. Turning to Lauren no less? That's what_ I_ can't translate into words."

Really, she had no answer for him other than_, 'she just happened to be there.'_ Her eyes tightly closed as she second, triple, and quadruple-guessed herself. He wasn't trying to make her feel bad; she was doing that to herself. All she could manage to do was manage a haphazard shrug, nervously biting the corner of her lip. She just wanted to say the words, "Zone shot you." Three simple words that were anything but simple.

By now, Zell had passed third wheel status and headed into a whole other level of uncomfortable. Honestly, he felt less awkward when they were discussing their sex life, which said a lot. He had to do something, because seeing Rinoa so lost was breaking his heart and seeing Squall's reaction also made him uncomfortable; the commander usually didn't shows hurt or weakness and right now was clearly an exception.

He made the observation that, over the course of five years, one thing hadn't changed about his friends – the root of their problems usually boiled down to communication. This time he had more faith that the pair had a desire to work on their differences. Unfortunately, the current situation seemed to be serving as a crash course and Zell had no desire to be part of the learning curve right now.

Taking a few steps closer, he moved beside them, placing his hand on Rinoa's shoulder. "Okay, Zell Dincht relationship expert extraordinaire. I love you both and as much as I want you two to work this out at your own pace, it sounds like we're on borrowed time. No offence, but if I let you try to work it out now, it'll take seven or eight years with my luck. Plus, damn it, I really want to sleep tonight."

Squall was none too pleased, expressing his silent irritation at he turned toward his friend. He also lowered their hands from Rinoa's jaw line, but he never let go of her completely — something that didn't go unnoticed by the martial artist.

"Rin, I get this is hard… and after three years of literally no communication, we've thrown a ton on you. Trust isn't your issue - you were hurt before and it muddies things up in your head. This whole thing has been one contorted journey, kinda like reaching Ultimecia in her castle… another architect that needs their ass kicked. Anyways, you're tired, stressed… and, going out on a limb, I'm guessing you two didn't get much in the way of actual sleep. Adding to that, Sirtis, Lauren, Cid and, let's face it, your husband's the equivalent of a stress ball on legs. It's hard, but trust yourself. You can't be scared of things changing… it's when you become overly-aware that things _do_ change."

Removing his hand, he was to place it on Squall's shoulder, but the incensed look on the commander face quickly snuffed out that idea.

"Touchy, touchy." Even as Zell placed his hands in surrender, he wasn't backing down. "And Squall, before you say it, I know it's none of my _damn_ business…you know, except the part that Rinoa somehow said it was … that and, she's my friend. It's also because she's my friend that I get how difficult it was to ask Lauren for _anything_. Let's face it, she's probably just below Adel on the list of people Rinoa wants to you know, conversate with and such, let alone ask for help."

At this point, he was actually surprised that he hadn't been cut off or cut with a gunblade — the latter scenario probably only thwarted by the fact that his friend was weaponless. Reaching to prove his point, Zell gestured as if he was saying 'I don't know' before pulling a random example out of the air.

"Okay Squall, um, say Rin here believed that there was good reason to think Caraway put a hit out on you… but turned out she was wrong and he was actually trying to buy you a birthday present. See, while she was wrong, and I mean really wrong, the fact that she even _thought_ that could have planted doubt and now suddenly, _whamo_, all those holiday dinners with pops at his mansion got a hell of a lot more stressful. And I'm not talking stressful like you just ate four pieces of pumpkin pie and the General didn't get any – and pumpkin pie is his all-time favorite…then he stares spend the rest of the night staring you down across the dinner table."

Zell grunted loudly, rubbing his temples. "…Not like anyone's crazy enough to stuff their face like that when meeting their girlfriend's parents for the first time because they might be extremely nervous and it's the only way not to hyperventilate…. Uh, I'm just saying is, down the road, you're going to question if some misunderstanding about a 'hit' influenced how you see Caraway forever. Slightly off-topic, always bring extra pie to family gatherings, just sayin."

The martial artist's examples had graduated from lunchmeat to dessert, a chronological step forward on the dinner menu. And just like those earlier speeches, Squall miraculously understood the point buried in there _somewhere_. The smallest piece of doubt could break off like a splinter in the body and its effects could spread like an infection in the bloodstream. Ironically, it was not the first time he'd been given a similar example today.

Hesitating, the commander swallowed. At times, it took a little longer to digest information, especially when the delivery was so… unique. He was just about to speak, but unfortunately Zell had misread his silence for displeasure.

Again, Zell placed his hand on her back. "So Rinny, this is the part where you say your dad doesn't even like pumpkin pie and tell Squall that his father-in-law didn't put a hit on him or wants to kill him in any way."

He was correct — Caraway had nothing to do with this, but it still rang too close for comfort. She couldn't even joke about it as a sob escaped her lips.

Squall had suspected what Rinoa might have known, but he was the first not to place too much faith in hunches. But in his own unique way, Zell had opened the door. He was going to confront her directly about his suspicions.

"Zell was close, about putting a hit on me, wasn't he? You have an idea who wanted me dead." Squall moved both of his hands up to her shoulders, silently forcing her to make direct eye contact.

She couldn't…

"Wait, I what? Oh shit! Caraway tried to kill you! Holy Ifrit on a stick!" The martial artist was in shock, realizing that he'd accidently stumbled onto something.

Enthusiastically, he made fists, throwing celebratory punches in the air. It was an unfortunate emotional reaction that he suddenly had realized mid-punch. Celebrating that Rinoa's father _may have_ tried to kill her husband came across as enormously tacky; he'd honestly been so ecstatic about going home, he hadn't considered the deeper ramifications. For now, it appeared that the couple had been so focused on each other, they might not have noticed their third-wheel having a party of one.

By then, Rinoa had stared at the floor so long that her eyes began to sting - she had to remind herself to blink. The more she contemplated the similarities within Zell's story, the more she knew that _it _was the push she needed. If one could get past the dinner, the pumpkin pie, and the other superfluous information, it was a fairly-decent example, at least close enough that Squall had finally asked the right question; unfortunately, it was the one she actually had the answer for.

It also made her glad it wasn't her father. Losing her friend was devastating but losing any chance of continued reconciliation with Caraway would've been unfathomable. It would also have been a guilt she didn't believe she could live with. It was odd thing to take comfort in – knowing it was her friend, not her father – but it worked. It was enough for her to make eye contact.

She reached out so that both sets of their hands remained loosely between them, needing that extra connection. Take it or leave it, she wasn't apologizing for that.

Squall half-expected her to speak to him, but she didn't. Turning to Zell, she believed it was probably for the best that she set the record straight.

"No, my father _did not_ try to kill Squall. Also, don't be embarrassed about celebrating… I'd be happy too, knowing I was going home. Zell, _home _and_ family_ are the most important reasons for you to celebrate… and that's what made you my platinum lining."

With a rueful look, she solidified his theory. "It's surprising how insightful you can be, when you try. You _understand_ people — that's your real talent. With a more time, I'm sure you could've gotten it."

He thought he'd try to cheer her up one last time as he leaned on her shoulder. "One last try, for old-times' sake? I ruled at that murder-mystery board game as teen — kicked everyone's ass, so no one would play. So, if it wasn't General Caraway, in the dining room, with the pumpkin pie… I'll use more logical-logic this time and go with a semi-automatic sniper rifle, in Dollet… I have a pretty good feeling on those two, especially that first one."

Standing straight, he emphasized his point by rubbing his bullet wound. It was when he saw how distressed she looked that he realized that even if he was trying to cheer her up, this wasn't the right way to do it. "I'm sorry, Rin. I know you don't want to hear this. I kinda talk when I get nervous or excited. Or both. I'd say it's the lack of sleep, but that's no excuse for my actions that least few minutes… sorry."

"Please, don't be sorry. And I know you're not going to understand this, and I _really _know Squall won't… but I want you to continue and, as strange as it sounds, you're helping me process a few things. And I really need that…plus, I've also been known to talk or prattle on a time or two when get overly-emotional… we're kindred spirits in that regards. I'd love to hear your next guess, although it will be difficult top pie."

She knew Squall was desperate to stop this, but he knew this is how she worked best. It was hard to explain to someone who thrived on order, but chaos helped her. That and this somehow felt like that last meal before the final execution. She'd almost found a tranquil acceptance about it and she wanted to remember these last beautiful moments.

Because once she spoke, her world would never be the same.

As for Zell, he'd gladly oblige. His mood and energy levels both had done 180s or more like a 540s. His mind was still reeling, knowing the end was in sight; he felt like he'd become infused with the power of two pots of coffee.

"FYI Rinny, it is _not possible_ to _ever _top pie… _ev-er._ But I'll let it slide, but now I want pie – just tossing that out there. But, I'll go ahead and make my official accusations. Remember though…" He took step away from them, drawing an invisible circle around his head and torso, "master at work. Also, I'll have you know I haven't peeked at the correct answers, as Irvine is always highly suspect. However, be warned, I'm using real-life logic this time… so get ready to be dazzled with my awesomeness-ness and sleuthing skills."

Rinoa quickly glanced to Squall, whose mind she was very thankful she couldn't read. He hated everything about this. His tightened jaw and perfect posture were always his tell. She was sorry, but she needed this.

Zell walked around making small, thinking circles, as he cracked his knuckles for effect. "As I said before, we have the weapon and place, rifle and Dollet. Now, the tough one… There are currently three bodies swimming in my suspect pool - the top would've been your father. I kinda always figured Caraway was upset that Squall defiled…deflowered? Well, you know, basically he did the nasty with his daughter. He seems grumpy that way. If it wasn't your father, he's kicked out of the pool. That only leaves two suspects swimming around - Zone or Angelo."

Rinoa swore she stopped breathing just then, but they didn't seem to notice. She should have interrupted him, as it was the perfect opportunity to do so, but before her mind could tell her to open her mouth, Zell had continued on. This time, he extended his hand like he was trying to greet the commander.

"See this Squall?" With his free hand he pointed to his outstretched hand. "This is a _handshake_. Five plus years ago, during our introductions at the Timber Owl's base, Zone offered his hand to you and you just stared at him like he was from another planet. Dude, when someone offers a hand, _you shake it_… It's the international gesture for - I'm cool, you're cool, let's work together."

At that point, Zell pulled his hand back quickly like he was trying to 'fake' someone out.

"Although, in hindsight, maybe not such a bad call, Squad Leader Leonhart… because now we know all about him being a world-class dirty magazines aficionado. See, if you take his 'collection' and what he does with the same hand he shakes with… well, there's a lady present, so I'll let you just add two and two together. Even still, it was rude and there's always hand sanitizer."

Squall still didn't speak. That was a good thing. Zell wouldn't have wanted to know what was on his mind. If it hadn't been for Rinoa specifically requesting this nonsense, Squall would've lost it well before now. He found himself having to take extremely deep breaths while slowly counting backwards; it took all that and more just to have the strength not to go through with his earlier scissor plan. That 'X' never seemed more appropriate, especially when Zell looked right at him.

"Last but not least, Angelo, your step-dog-ter… who we still find dog-paddling her way around the suspect pool. It's a long shot _but_… Three years ago, you not only monopolized Rinoa's fetch and tug-of-war time, you took up way too much space on the bed. I'd say that you ate her dog treats, but there's no solid proof of that, just hearsay and a few blurry photographs on Garden Square. From a purely logistical standpoint, not sure how Angelo would even begin to hold a gun, but I fought alongside her and she was one kick-ass mutt… Even with her accidently shooting me first, the aim for a canine is pretty damn impressive. So, guess that's it. Any comments?"

Oh, there were comments. Squall had more than enough, even if it hadn't been for Rinoa, he wouldn't have dealt with the sheer absurdity. People were one thing, including dogs was another. It wasn't a fucking joke, no matter how _supposedly _good Zell was at reading people. Bullshit, horseshit, and every steaming pile in between. Letting go of Rinoa's hands, he turned to look at his fellow SeeD. Clenching his jaw, he tried to speak as 'appropriately' as possible. "This is fucking hard enough and I get you think this bullshit is cute, but it has it's time and place."

"He's right." Her voice was so soft that her first attempt went unheard.

"…What Rinoa need's right now is support. You're a fucking professional-"

"…He's right." This time her voice was a little louder, but it took a second for it to register.

"-and if you honestly fucking think that sex, handshakes, and dog bones are the reason I was almost dead. You'd better be…"

Squall stopped as her voice finally sunk in. He wouldn't allude to hearing correctly though, because the idea honestly felt too damn absurd.

All eyes were on her as the word caught in his throat. "What?"

"Zell's right." He had been so busy yelling, he hadn't noticed how far she had distanced herself. The truth was out there and that's all she could ask for at this moment.

The commander remained eerily silent as Zell reasoned the only possible conclusion. "You said it wasn't your father… it can't be Angelo…. So, it's…"

She nodded before looking to Squall, once again begging forgiveness. "I'm sorry Squall, I'm so, so, so sorry, I don't know why."

The SeeDs looked at one another as they now found themselves absorbing this information in completely different ways. Zell was angry; he wasn't even going to try to hide or sugarcoat it for Rinoa's sake. In fact, he was downright pissed.

Squall was also mad, how could a 'friend' put Rinoa through this hell? To see her this hurt tore him to his core. He could feel her desperation, sharing every ounce of her pain.

…Then again, he knew Zone probably said the exact same things three years ago.

But beyond that original flare of anger, it made way for a far more important concern. Squall was worried. Yes, the anger would most likely return with time, but his feelings weren't important. It wasn't his pain that wouldn't ever heal, it was hers. This time, he was the one to take the steps forward, circling his arms around her. Softly, he placed a few tender kisses on the top of her head. She didn't seem to be crying; she looked more like she was in a state caught between disbelief and shock with a hint of relief.

In hindsight, he knew Zell's point had been spot on — with the history and animosity already between him and Zone, she needed to be one-hundred percent certain as everything between them was already volatile.

Adjusting for the height difference, he leaned so their foreheads could rest against each other, as she quietly rocked in his arms. To a passerby, it would have almost looked like they were slow dancing without any music. The military part of him wanted to know what proof she had, drilling her about how she reached this conclusion. Yet, as someone who knew and loved her endlessly, _always_, there was no room for doubt – she was damn sure.

Right now, she was probably still in a lot more denial than he was. Not that he actually would've thought that the former Forest Owl leader was behind this; it was just that Squall had seen the best and worst of humanity. It took a lot to shock him anymore when it came to the depravity people were capable of – although what Sirtis told him earlier came damn close._ This_ was hardly a drop in the bucket compared to that lack of moral compass.

But, to be on the safe side, he did make a mental note to shake hands with people from now on.

 


	33. Return to Grace and The Inner Light

 

* * *

_ **Chapter Eighty-Five: Return to Grace** _

* * *

  
The commander had experienced many emotions throughout the last few months — emotions that often felt more like distant memories, feelings that were easier to ignore and suppress to move forward. Living the existence that he had chosen, he was trapped in someone else's game, someone else's poster child, someone else's bed companion.

Then, at times like Selphie and Irvine's wedding, he wanted to be able to free that side of himself, if only a little, but the damage ran too deep. But that night in Balamb had been a catalyst and to give a little would mean to give everything.

And now, he had.

Years ago, Selphie hatched a plan to get Rinoa and Squall together. She _did_. Seven years later she'd unknowingly be a party to the same. That night was the catalyst, setting in motion a chain of events that would even mystify Selphie's intricate planning.

That night, Squall had pushed himself. He wanted Rinoa to know that their years together hadn't been in vain; he was always going to be himself – those were stone cold facts that wouldn't change. Yet 'himself' had become the man who could _sometimes_ smile, dance _every so often_, or be among friends, _in moderation_. He had always hated the people in the halls who had said that Rinoa had 'changed him' or that he was no longer the person he had been for the first seventeen years.

Change is malleable; what some considered change he considered growth.

If people at Garden held that fact against Rinoa, then they were the ones who actually needed to change. Unfortunately, he found that was the problem of many at Garden; they lived within a finite space and were given finite guidance for life. He had been in the system and had seen firsthand how shortsighted the whole concept could be. In its own way, the Garden system had created a utopian society where all basic needs were supplied with no worries of the outside world — shelter, food, and entertainment were under one roof.

And if any change threatened their little world, they always placed blame because _they_ couldn't grow.

For awhile, he had even bought back into Garden's sovereign creeds. The world beyond was enormous, chaotic, unorganized, materialistic, and often quite indolent. Garden was safe. Being commander was safe. Even going out with Lauren, was safe. One could ask about any SeeD candidate what they would prefer between going into battle or going into civilian life – the majority would choose battle in a heartbeat.

It was, to Squall, the highest form of brainwashing. He knew that change was malleable, but growth was liberating. But liberation often held collateral damage and he'd found it — he himself was proof of it.

…Unfortunately, in this case, so was Rinoa.

She hadn't said much since her confession, but that wasn't a surprise. If anything, the only remotely-surprising aspect had been Squall's almost non-existent reaction. His earlier irritation at Zell quickly ebbed into… acceptance? In the life of Squall Leonhart,_ this _wasn't rather shocking. The 'who' wasn't worth getting worked up over – if only for Rinoa's sake.

There was no doubt. He was the one shot; she was the one wounded.

Zell had calmed down _some_, still a little higher-strung than normal. The commander couldn't fault him and to his credit, the martial artist was making a conscious effort to pull in the emotional reigns, at least when Rinoa was watching. However, if she wasn't, he'd then go into another phantom round of punching. The commander wasn't the most imaginative guy yet he easily knew the recipient in this scenario.

Without commenting, Squall had led her back to the waiting area's couch. Sitting first, he gently ushered her to the seat beside him. The room's atmosphere had grown heavy, the silence magnifying this fact. Zell stayed behind, a conscious effort to mask his irritation and allow her time, although he found it increasingly difficult. He bit his tongue, but managed a few imaginary punches to pass time.

Rinoa leaned against Squall - the metaphorical paralleling the literal. When she started to fidget, he guided her, encouraging her to find a more comfortable position. She'd placed her legs up, stretching them the length of the couch. He supported her weight as her body rested against him, her head laid on his shoulder. His arm wrapped protectively around her, slowly rubbing her bicep. He remembered that they'd used to lay this way years ago — another repressed memory, _feelings_, that he allowed to surface. The main difference was that nobody ever saw these private moments. Now, an entire marching band could go by and he wouldn't give a damn… all right, _he would_, but he was a little more willing to show affection with those that were close to him.

Again, _this_ was the process of growth; change was only what people saw as the end result.

Finally, Zell had taken a seat, after managing to drain his pent up energy. He wanted to take his cue from his commander, discussing it on a more neutral level. Of course, he still had a little 'oomph' residing in him, doing a one-handed front handspring onto the smaller loveseat. Rather impressive, if anyone had noticed.

Rinoa's eyes flew open. The spring's reverberation was like a clap of thunder. Readjusting her position slightly, she shifted, carefully maneuvering her body so she could rest her head on Squall's chest – it was a lot more comfortable and a lot less bony than his shoulder.

She did her best to remain present, meekly smiling towards her friend.

"…Tell me that's not how you sat when you first met Alex's parents? Although, flipping over furniture would leave quite the lasting first impression."

She hadn't seen, but she knew. Old habits and all that.

"Nope. I used two hands and the only impression I left-" Grinning, he used his thumbs as he pointed to his rear. "-was my butt in the cushions. So, you know my first impression was a _fine_, good-looking one."

Narrowing her eyes, she looked at him questionably, unsure if that even made sense. Shaking it off, she looked beyond his outward antics to something she'd picked up on earlier. Regret. "Your first meeting really wasn't that simple, was it?"

He shrugged; nobody had called him on that before. "It _was _simple, but simple doesn't always mean good. I tend to eat when I get nervous... hasn't changed. It occupies my hands… and usually calms nerves. But sometimes, the nerves get the better of me."

"And the pumpkin pie story is…?"

"…Unfortunately true. They'd set it in front of me and I was talking to Alex's mom, her dad had to take a call. I didn't even realize that I'd managed to eat over half of the pie myself. Then he returned… and well it was gone... and it was for his birthday. So, yeah… their first impression of me wasn't fine, more like a horse's ass."

"Give it time. You love their daughter… I think that's the only thing any parent can hope for — their child's happiness."

He contemplated how to answer. "Let's just say her dad has this General Caraway vibe going on… but her mom liked me. Maybe? I just don't like feeling like _this, _like I need to win anyone over instead of just taking me for who I am. But you're right Rinoa, I hope Alex's happiness is enough. And who knows? Maybe all that's happened will work in my favor. Her father's not military, but up-the-ladder in local law enforcement — Dollet, ironically — there's a kick-in-the-groin I didn't think of. Then again, maybe our work with Sirtis will help."

"I'd like to tell you it gets better, but I won't lie. In the two years Rinoa and I were together, Caraway's opinion never changed…at least not for the better. And my first meeting consisted of trying to assassinate the person who raised me and then topping that off with a power play about contacts. In hindsight, I might've handled it differently. Or maybe not, I'll admit pride had a hand it that. It wasn't a pie, but it was failing a mission to someone like Caraway is the equivalent of eating an entire pumpkin pie."

"Ha, you were kind of a jerk, even Irvine stepped in between you two… And when Irvine's right, you know you're _wrong_." He grinned sheepishly. "…Actually Squall, thank you. You made me feel a helluva lot better. It could have been worse. I could be you."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel better." Whether he was or wasn't didn't matter, Squall was thankful he had. "We can get your future father-in-law together with mine. They can start a support group, sit around, sip brandy, and complain about the men their daughters married."

"Incompetent Dolt."

Squall looked down. "What?"

"….Incompetent Dolt, it's my father's… pet name for you," she explained, her voice a little shaky. "We're married, I've got nothing left to hide."

Zell felt for her, another victim of circumstance. As an aside, he was increasingly thankful that he wasn't Squall. "Ah-ha, that's right, you still get to tell dear ol' General Daddy that you married his daughter. If history serves… that's bound to be a hoot…" He cleared his throat, tossing Rinoa a lopsided grin. "I mean, it's bound to be a stressful situation that we, your closest friends, won't ever want to hear about the in-depth details so we can recount them on every major and minor holiday."

"Your enthusiasm for my impending doom is duly noted."

"C'mon Squall, even you gotta know he's not your biggest fan. Least you'll get bonus points for not knocking her up first. Instead, you just got yourself killed, gave up your savings, and quit your job… actually, that really does play well with General C thinking you're an incompetent dolt."

She couldn't help the mocking snort. "General C? That's… rich if you're a supplemental vitamin drink. But kids? Probably not a good subject for either Squall or my father. Both of them are facing enough to freak them out for the next few years."

Honestly, she wished the idea hadn't been touched, in jest or not. The whole topic was extremely sensitive. It also hadn't been discussed before though it _should've_ been, but wasn't - another hit for impulsiveness. Years ago, they both held solid opinions and any debate was stomped out with a firmly-stated, "No, and don't ask again."

Squall could say one thing – she held up to her end, she _wasn't _asking. And maybe that's why he felt the need to step in.

"Rinoa, good, bad, everything in between, I've considered it down to the smallest details. I knew what I was getting myself into… Someone who hogs the covers, doesn't immediately wash her dishes, is way too aggressive behind the wheel, has the pre-coffee morning attitude that rivals a Behemoth's, and well, a few other interesting facts that, for your sake, I'll leave there."

She looked up at him gruffly. "You're right, your Behemoth says leave _that there."_

"I said I would," he replied, somewhere between light-hearted and serious. "Although it's another phrase I don't feel comfortable with, yes, I'm sure there'll be things that will 'freak me out.' Confronting Caraway will be a challenge, but let him take his best shot. I've heard and read it all. Down the road, if children are in our future, he can deal with the fact that his grandchildren carry Laguna's DNA. It's ironic that I'd find some smug satisfaction in that."

She was already trying to handle one bombshell and now she was handed another. By the time she pulled back enough to look at him properly, he already knew. Leaning down, he gave her a tender kiss on the lips. It was short and chaste yet it represented something more — it served as a period to dot his response, rather than a question mark.

"Rin, I told you on the balcony, when I married you, I married _you_. Time has a way of giving perspective. The idea is scary as hell." He shrugged, a thin-lined smile pressed on his lips. "So were the rather ambiguous concepts of girlfriends, relationships, commitment, and marriage. As it stands, I'm now four for four on those. I'm not saying it again – this wasn't done on a passing whim, I don't do whims. I spent countless hours trying to think of everything and then some."

Zell scoffed. "Bet you didn't think of _everything _during those hours, like her deranged homicidal crackpot theory friends?"

He hadn't really meant to ruin the moment; it was more or less him thinking out loud. Either way, it was official — Zell Dincht had become the largest third-wheel since the wheel's invention. The problem was, as much as he loved to hear about his friends' future, sharing in their moments of kittens and joy, he was becoming agitated. It was astonishing that Squall was being so… lenient about all this. He sort of wanted to talk about the random grenade Rinoa threw on them.

If Squall thought he was appeasing Rinoa with silence, denial or, whatever the hell _this_ was, it wasn't the answer.

Unfortunately, Zell got his own answer in the form of a few _choice_ words. The commander stressed it needed to be addressed in a more appropriate way and with more appropriate wording. That yes, he was allowing Rinoa time, but Zell would do the same if it had been Alex. It was also pointed out that the way Zell phrased that comment turned it back onto Rinoa. It wasn't her fault, but Squall believed there was an implication about her choice in friends.

Rinoa spoke up. They had come this far and she needed _both_ of them to move forward. Not talking about it didn't make the truth fade and she refused to play the role of victim again - to either to Zone or to denial.

"Squall, he's right. We need to talk about it. I thank you both for giving me time… but time won't make this better. Not yet, at least. There are questions, but the answers you want most... are the ones I need to."

In that moment, Zell knew he had been the true dolt. Hearing the pain her voice underlined that fact. Both he had Squall had been wrong in their approach. "Rin, I'm truly sorry and nothing is your fault. _Nothing._ Got it? We've all had our share of friends who've done shitty-ass things. Take Seifer, we all knew he was… combative, but not one of us at Garden saw something like that coming – expulsion, yes, terrorism, never. The shittiest part is you'll never understand, but that's for the best. That's not a world you want to know."

"…You're right. Because, no matter what he says, there will _never_ be a good enough reason."

Just like when Squall said he knew what he was getting into, the same could be said for her. Rinoa tapped her husband's arm, curious why he hadn't moved. "Squall, isn't this your cue to grab a notebook? Documenting and obsessing over detailed notes is kind of your thing."

"Let me, I'm closer." There was something about Zell's eagerness that was endearing. Upon reaching the work area, he wasn't positive what to grab. Three color-coded binders lined one side of the table, separately breaking down specific aspects. Shaking his head, he mumbled something barely sounded like 'when in doubt.' Stacking them on top of one another and grabbing a pen and pencil for good measure, he headed back.

"Squall, you do know she's right, right? You document every detail of your life, more or less and hopefully not just the boring ones, because I'm waiting for the helpful hints and outlines about having sex in a lawn chair. One wrong move and that puppy's gonna flip. I mean, I don't know about you, but there are some body part parts I wouldn't want mashed, smashed, crashed, or pavement gashed…just sayin'."

Squall still wasn't thrilled with Zell's earlier comments and he certainly wasn't doing himself any favors with the unnecessary quips. There was already slack being cut, but the world only contained so much rope and Zell currently possessed all of it.

Rinoa had a similar reaction. Hiding her face into Squall's chest, her words came out rather muffled, "Ugh…you're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Going with 'no' on that one… but it won't go further than us. And as an act of goodwill and my awesomeness-ness, I'll even have Alex tell you one of my embarrassing stories. You two can bond over that… girls do bond over that stuff, right?"

She was looking at him again, her brow knitted as she replied in monotone voice. "Yes. Totally. All the time."

With a sly wink and a smile, he started to hand the binders to Squall, but was surprised when the commander moved his hand up to stop him.

"Hold up."

This was a crossroad. It wasn't life-shattering, but it was significant and something that most wouldn't have given more than a passing thought.

Squall refused the binders. Waving them away, he placed his arm back around Rinoa. Softly, he rubbed her arm as sign of assurance.

"_Yeaah_… Squall?" Zell asked as he gave a puzzled look to the binders in his hand. "_You_ don't want to take notes? Won't you want the information later?"

Squall's conviction was resolute. "Yes, I will and the information will be there." He paused, feeling Rinoa's eyes on him. His face was shielded from his comrade, so he purposely, and awkwardly, mirrored Zell's earlier wink and smile before turning back.

"SeeD has many aspects, comprised of many abilities. When we left Balamb neither of us knew this mission was both an end and a beginning. I've learned about myself, but I've also learned about you. Zell, you have this insight into the human psyche and the people skills to back it up… and it's as annoying as hell when you don't shut up. Still, the things that I struggled most on are the things that come naturally to you. You get people."

With the books still in hand, the martial artist gracelessly flopped into his seat - a little confused, but very in awe. This felt as surreal as compressed time. For Squall to be saying this to him without being on hallucinogenic drugs or standing at death's door left him utterly speechless.

"Remember when you write, be detailed but avoid external emotions and opinions. If a third party were to read – nothing should slant interpretation. It may seem like 'just notes' but it's an essential building block. Zell, you helped me…" Again, he looked to Rinoa, placing an unexpected kiss on her forehead. "…You've helped _us_. The least I can do before my retirement is help you get opportunities. The future is yours and with a little discipline and focus, yours can be at Garden."

Encouragement never flowed naturally from him, but when Squall spoke from his heart, he found the words came easier. There was one last piece of advice he needed to give, one that nobody _at Garden_ ever had the courage to say. "Just don't ever lose sight of who you are – not who they want you to be. Nothing will ever be worth that price."

The words had left both Zell and Rinoa taken aback in silence. Squall mused if he'd known that's all it took, he might've tried saying something this poignant four van trips ago. There was also the matter of payback about the growing number of lawn chair comments… and nothing worked better than the truth.

"I thought you might need a little career guidance." Squall then gave a sympathetic nod. "Unfortunately, I was privy to an awkward dinner conversation between Selphie and Alex. Before I could grab my shit and run, your future wife mentioned that she always wanted a big family, at least six children. Some damn-good organizational skills will be needed with that many little Dinchts running amuck."

And with that, he decided to end this discussion with one more thing that needed to be addressed pointblank. "Also, don't call us to babysit. It's marked on our calendar, we're both sick that day."

Zell was trying to fight off a mild panic attack while Rinoa couldn't help but picture the pure and utter chaos. She knew it was just another momentary distraction, but it was one that she needed. At this point, it all came down to Lauren anyhow; they were basically dead-in-the-water, so to speak. At least this way she could smile, it was so much better than tears.

"Going for your own hockey team? Then again, you could also have a basketball team, always good to keep your options open."

"After the jig at FH, I wouldn't discount a family band," Squall deadpanned.

"Okay, okay… let's just focus on this," Zell said hurriedly, opening the notebook, "before I think about having to buy a clown car."

He flipped to a blank page and wrote down a few things. Suddenly, he felt like he was interviewing Rinoa, but hoped it didn't come across that way. After their run-in with Sirtis, they all had enough with interrogating.

There was an uncomfortable stillness in the air. No matter how many minutes they procrastinated or tried to lighten the mood, it would inevitably end up back in the same place, back to the one thing that none of them could escape – the truth.

"So, um, err Rin, how did you make the leap from Flo Dobe, green hair, and fresh fish to Zone shooting us… er, Squall?"

Before Rinoa answered, Squall tightened his grip on her in support, suddenly making her realize that this was why he had Zell take notes.

"In hindsight, it so simple. I mean, it was _right there_," she began slowly. Squall moved his other hand down, taking her hand in his. "The day of the shooting, he was supposed to at a planning meeting in FH. I asked him if he had seen Flo, because it's usually… an experience. He said that not only did he see her – he'd been in a room with her for three hours."

"But you said that he saw Flo in FH, if it was during the day… she wouldn't have been there?"

"Yes, that's the point," she'd unintentionally snapped. "I put it together when you showed me the video. The night Zone and I went out to dinner… you know, the one you kept calling _our date_."

She looked at him accusingly.

"Sorry," he mumbled apologetically, speaking of hindsight, he actually felt bad about that.

"Zone mentioned it again. Then we somehow got on the topic of Flo's green hair, he made a similar comment - it had to be seen to be believed. It's like nothing between the two conversations Zone and I made sense. They were both part lies, part truth."

"The problem was that he couldn't keep it straight," Squall explained. It was common with suspects, especially when they let their guard down. Zone felt comfortable with Rinoa, unrightfully so. "When he talked to you the day of the shooting, he was chose his words carefully. By the time of…" eyeing Zell directly, he sneered, "…_the date_, for lack of a correct term, he believed he had succeeded. The parts he told you then were most likely true, like about Flo. He wasn't thinking that'd you'd connect the two. He was relaxed and, as much as it pains me to say, trying to impress you, keeping the topic light. That night was about cheering you up. He took that task to heart, that part I can't fault him for."

"Except the part where he was the one that put her in the mood that she needed cheered up from," Zell interjected. He had this weird feeling that Squall was tip-toeing around saying negative things about Zone. This whole evening of coddling was kinda growing old. There was something to be said about politeness, but Squall's detached attitude was unnerving. The guy put a bullet through his lung and now he's saying Zone did the right thing in trying to cheer her up? If Squall didn't start acting like himself soon, he was going to throwing pens. But first he would try to see if his next question proved anymore successful.

"You believe Zone was in this by himself?"

"Rinoa," Squall began carefully, watching his tone. The last thing he wanted to do was accuse another of her friends. "You did know that right before I was shot, we ran into Watts. It was lunch break and he called over to us. We talked about things."

"Yeah, Squall lied and said he had a meeting with a hotdog, if you call that '_things_.'"

"It wasn't exactly like that… but yes, I did say something about lunch or being in a hurry. Thanks for taking that out of context." He threw a disgusted look at the Zell. "It was uncomfortable and I'm not a small talk kind of guy, especially with one of your friends."

Zell pointed to Rinoa. "Squall did ask about you though, just thought you should know that — before the hotdog even. He tried to play it off casually, but it's Squall. _Awkward_. When we walked away, I talked about your non-existent relationship… then well, loud boom, lots of blood, brooding, and regrets… basically the whole, almost dying thing."

"Thanks again. I'm glad we shared that," Squall stated sarcastically.

"Actually, I am." She leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "It's both horrifying and sweet that you were talking about us, even the non-version of us, when you were shot."

She looked down to his hand, speaking from her emotions. "Although, if you had died… I don't think I would've ever wanted to know - like Zell said, regrets…. Oh, and yeah. Watts did tell me you asked about me so… thank you. He never hid the conversation and I knew it couldn't have been easy for you. It's nice to hear the other side though."

"Well, five minutes ago, I did actually have a point in bringing it up, but somehow we derailed." Zell had no idea how people did this all the time, shooting things was much easier. "But Rinoa, it's important you know we saw Watts. He did corroborate Zone's story – that he was the one in FH and mentioned him being with the Dobes."

"Oh, god." Rinoa hadn't entertained the thought. The assumption being that Zone acted on his own; what had they told her about assuming?

"Wait, wait, wait, Rin," Zell waved his hand anxiously; he didn't want to upset her more. Great now he was the one who was tiptoeing around. Damn it. "Even though Flo's antics were center stage, several of the groups did work through breaks. Watts kinda strikes me as the Squall sorta guy there."

Squall knitted his brow, thankful that at least he hadn't been compared to Zone. "Rinoa, can I ask - why was Watts in Dollet and Zone in FH, if Watts was leading the TEL project?"

"Honestly, Zone volunteered to take over and they both had working knowledge of trains from their Forest Owl's days. Because of the experience factor, it really wasn't questioned. Plus Watts was going to need family leave for Erica, so it all fell into place. I mean, her due date was set around the TEL ground breaking. It was better to have Zone step in a little ahead of that."

She let out a bitter laugh as other things suddenly 'fell into place.' "Zone actually jumped at the chance… said he wanted a break from anything negative, wanted to work on something that brought something positive, be part of a change. Hell… looking back now – I know what he meant. It wasn't the train that was positive it was getting rid of-"

Stopping abruptly, she wouldn't say it. It was too fucking ridiculous, twisted beyond reason to even think. She would rather talk about the one she'd still considered to be a true friend.

"The switch between TEL and the summit was a win-win for Timber. The higher-ups thought that Watts was more…personable. Zone can be-"

"A psychopathic mega-dickbag?" Zell finished the sentence for her, glancing to Squall as he gave him a thumbs up. "Don't worry, Commander Leonhart, I'll keep that out the official notes. Impartial-bility, I can write it, just can't think it."

"_Impartiality,"_ Squall growled.

"I was going to say he can rub people the wrong way," Rinoa sternly answered. This was all still too new still and defending her friends came naturally, even if they turned out to be a 'mega-dickbags.' "In all honesty, neither Zone or Watts were their first choice, but I couldn't – after the wedding, I was afraid of who I'd run into. Stupid, I know... but that whole weekend hit me hard. I'm sorry."

Squall had never been more grateful that she turned them down, the last thing she needed was to witness his 'death' firsthand. Zone might not have gone through with it then, but the man seemed rather unstable, so there were no guarantees. Then again, if Squall hadn't been shot well…nobody could predict the future.

The knight had said in passing that he'd have to thank Sirtis for giving him a second chance. However, the thought of thanking Zone for everything, for Rinoa wearing a wedding ring and for Laguna giving them to him, it would be something he wouldn't forget. He had a feeling that would stick with Zone too.

"You know…" Zell tried to recall that day too, it had become a massive blur in some aspects. "I do actually remember Watts saying that Zone was having to deal with the Dobes, I guess I was thinking after her little tree stunt she might have headed home. She didn't, but I didn't think anything about it to tell you the truth, I was kinda focused on how uncomfortable Squall was – and what a horrible actor he was… and his, 'I'm fine, but how's Rinoa?' bit. _Shheshh_. The hotdog would've played it off smoother – asking and then trying to get the hell away was cringe worthy. "

"Whatever." Moving his arm from around her shoulder, Squall rubbed his temples. He had given up trying to argue Zell's points, mainly because protesting would've proven his guilt.

"If you want my opinion, we all made mistakes in that conversation – either from honest ignorance or _denial_." The commander threw his comrade a poignant stare, hoping that would end the subject of Squall's guilt. "I don't think Watts was part of it. He has too much to lose and he's not going to risk that helping Zone's idiotic plan to assassinate me. If anything, he was being used to set up an alibi, just like Rinoa."

"My phone," Rinoa cut in, trying to change the subject, if only slightly, "that's where Lauren came in."

"I was wondering how she fit in the picture. I was using my imagination, but…" Reaching in his pocket, he leaned over, passing it to Rinoa with a wink.

"Stop picturing _anything_ with both of us in it, if you value not being turned into a toad… I'm sure I could do it, _maybe_. Either that or blow you up, it's your gamble."

Squall, leaned forward. "Lauren back-traced the call from the day of the shooting. She triangulated originating points."

"…Yes, that's exactly it."

"Damn… _I was going to say that, really_," Zell mumbled sarcastically as he scratched down a few more notes.

"Next logical step," Squall replied nonchalantly with a shrug.

Looking down to where their hands were still joined, her voice betrayed her guilt. "Maybe I should've told you sooner. You seemed to know exactly what to do."

"Maybe you should've, but maybe you weren't ready. As your boyfriend, I don't like it, but I also understand needing to work things out on your own. As a person, I can appreciate that... Besides, I think you did pretty good - you found a way to get the job done. You remembered Zone's words and thought enough about tying the phone into it. In the end, you got results and nobody could ask for more. I don't negate credit. I respect it."

"Thanks." She gave his hand a quick squeeze. "Somewhere through the tears, I at least managed to do something right. But, yes, that's what Lauren did. She came in here to tell me the Trabian techs traced the calls. The morning calls were in Fisherman's Horizon, but the calls after your shooting were routed off East Academy."

With a small laugh, she reached out for the ring on his finger, twisting it slightly. "And by the way, Mr. All-Knowing SeeD, you forgot you're my husband, you just said boyfriend."

"I was proving a point of how easy it was for Watts to misspeak. That's all."

"_Bullshit."_ Zell coughed into his hand before looking back up to his friend. "Dude, you just lost your street cred. I just tagged you out for that and now it's my turn to take a stab at this. The first calls were from FH for the fresh fish. Even if he'd gone somewhere else to buy fish, like to a Dollet market, it would've been a risk… better to be at the FH docks before sunrise, cuz it's a happenin' place. Wait, wait this begs the important question, what about the fish? I mean he took that back on the train? One sure-fire way to get a seat to yourself, I guess. Unless you're a cat."

"I don't know. His house is near the station enough, but we'll have to ask."

Letting go of Rinoa's hand, Squall crossed his arms. There would be enough time on speculating later, right now they had to address the nagging question. Looking at her, he knew again he was putting her in an awkward position, but there seemed to be no other way. Hopefully, this would soon be behind them.

"Rin, I know what I'm asking, but can you please call Lauren? I would if I could but, we're still out of circulation. We need to cement a plan. It sounds like she's putting something in motion, but, dead or not, I_ am_ taking command, openly if necessary."

She looked at him questionably, not about calling, but about leading. "Squall, I-"

He knew it before she asked; he also didn't want to put her through the anguish of saying the words. Most of all, he wanted to ease her conscience. "Zone is your friend. He's important to you and, for that but no other reason, he's important to me. My personal feelings and our history isn't the issue. To be blunt, this mission is now about making sure he stays alive. If I think he has a better chance with me being in command, and that's where I'm going to be. Unfortunately, the reality is that we're also going to need Lauren. Again, this places you in the same position, but if you can place your faith in her one last time – it's Zone's best chance at survival."

"I can." She smiled, placing her hand on his thigh as leverage for standing. Reaching for the phone, she knew she didn't have to explain, but that's why she wanted to. "I've lost too many people, too many friends. I'll never forget, and I doubt I can forgive, but I've seen too much loss."

"Rin, I know. If I didn't understand, I wouldn't offer. In all honesty, my gut says Zone needs help... he's trapped in himself. I know what that's like."

She nodded thankfully, not elaborating. "Extension #412, correct?"

Zell glanced to his commander, they hadn't had time to discuss any of this privately. The martial artist was conflicted; he still had a hard time accepting it was Zone. It seemed like ancient history, so why wait for three years? There were plenty of other (and easier) chances to kill Squall. The only reason he hadn't questioned it further was because of Rinoa's certainty; she wouldn't turn on a friend without a solid reason.

"Zone?" he questioned in a stage whisper.

Squall shrugged. He harbored the same doubts, but he could _feel _Rinoa's pain. It was real. "I know his father trained him in weaponry and he has more than enough skill to _attempt _it. He's no Sirtis, but he's more capable than most."

"I guess man, but still… that's some harsh shit. I get not liking you and we've all wanted to take a swing or two…or three at you, but killing you? Nah."

In reality, Squall didn't understand either, but when you're desperate, sometimes your mind creates its own enemies. Again, he mirrored Zell – if Zone was going to take a shot, why now? Again, some opportunities were a Gil a dozen, Zone definitely had the skill to cover it up; he was a walking encyclopedia of just about every conspiracy theory on this planet and then some. Still, in some regards, this chance was as good as any. If not for a few detours and a _slightly _off-target shot, even Squall believed he would've been successful.

Duncan Sirtis said he had to tip his hat to whoever was responsible and Squall found himself agreeing – at least from a tactical standpoint.

He still hadn't answered Zell's question, but he doubted that he could. The only connection that Squall could draw was the one that tied them both. "Well, I fucked up when it came to Rinoa. He'd warned me than once, even wanted to kick my ass on the White SeeD ship, but Watts reasoned with him. It took him six years, but guess he made good on his threat."

Rinoa was still trying to get a hold of someone, but without her right next to them, they could be more candid.

"Yeah, but Squall do you really think it's just Rinoa? I mean, I sure that's _a_ reason, I just can't see it being the only reason. I mean, I totally got the impression he was into her way back before. You're rather obtuse on social cues, but even you could put two-and-two together on that. It still seems like after Ultimecia and even you two breaking up, that he should've seen that Rinoa only wanted that sibling-type relationship."

"The guy has brains, but I don't believe that was the head he was thinking with. Hell, he thought he killed me and his idea of celebration would have been screwing my ex-girlfriend if she'd let him. The guy has fucking balls."

"She's on her way down." Both men looked up to see Rinoa standing there.

Squall knew that his crude comments were out of character. The truth was that until he started talking, he hadn't let himself admit how angry he was at the situation as a whole. Not even the nearly-dying-on-the-operating-table part; it was just Zone's behavior afterward. The worst part of him getting carried away was that it was overheard by her.

"Rinoa, I'm sorry, I-"

"Save it, Squall." Even though she'd cut him off, it was to save him the trouble. He was absolutely right. The last thing she needed was to hear him apologize when he wasn't in wrong. This time, their relationship wasn't going to be spent walking on eggshells – and that went both ways.

Rinoa collapsed on the couch, looking up as if she was searching for simple answers to complicated questions. To her lack of surprise, the only thing above her was the artistic musings of an overpaid interior designer.

She was irritated. With herself. With Squall. With Zone. Even with the Estharian contractor. Being logical while being upset wasn't exactly her forte.

"Squall, don't apologize, just… _don't._ First, you don't really mean 'you're sorry.' The only thing you're 'sorry' about is that I overheard it. Second… you're right. That simple. What I'll _never _get past is how he treated me afterwards. Zone went out of way - and I mean out of his way - to support me. Always wanted to be first in line and I… I fucking fell for his 'oh-so-innocent' song and dance routine. How do you think that makes me feel?"

She looked between the two men, almost daring either of them to speak up. However, neither man was that masochistic; sure, throw them unarmed into a pit of or even jump out of an airplane into an active battlefront. Hell, even force them to be in costume (begrudgingly, under orders) dressed as twin kittens in Selphie's play for the junior cadets, but there were thresholds that should never be crossed. Giving Rinoa these moments was a chance to let her blow off steam, while saying her emotional peace…and thankfully not having to don mascara-made whiskers drawn onto their faces.

Taking their cue, she continued to vent. "The part that makes me _physically ill_ is that I almost fell for it. No, correction, _I did_ fall for it. That night… that night was gahhh… it was just so rough… that day, that night. I felt, well you know… and I just felt, you know… and then I saw Squall… and just gahhhh! Then he kissed me… Zone I mean, not Squall…. You know because he was in Dollet dying on damn operating table because of Zone… Anyway, I was saying I reciprocated that damn kiss. For just a minute, I wanted to forget who I was kissing and just be kissed."

Her hand motions had become equally as erratic as her emotionally-charged speech. "Fine, I admit it. Since Selphie's wedding, I was trying to find a way to move on. It became my… priority... yeah, yeah not exactly an 'obsession' but you know, one of those things I thought about several times a day even when I should be working. Whatever. I get it, I get it. I can hear the lecture now, 'Rinoa, _dear_, you can't 'force' something like love; it comes when you least expect it, blah, blah, blah…' Really? I didn't want 'love' at that point; I just wanted a night of sex to prove to myself that I could. One night that I know I'd end up regretting immediately. So, tell me guys, how does even begin to make sense that I just wanted sex and then I'd deal with the consequences?"

The two men again were silent.

The sad part was, Squall knew that she'd most likely regret this outburst too, although the road to recovery would be much smoother. Rinoa was emotional and, since things turned this way, the guilt would've slowly taken its toll. In that regards, Squall was thankful she never went through with it… honestly, he was thankful in other ways too, but even thinking those thoughts felt extremely hypocritical.

As for Zell, he tried not to fidget in his chair, afraid that Rinoa would call on him. History proved that was a sure-fire way of having an instructor call on him when he didn't know the correct answer. Right now, although a technical impossibility, he was beyond clueless. Even still, he was fighting against his morbid fascination, but avoided direct eye contact. This was also something else that would be deliberately absent from his notes, because "Rinoa wanted to have sex, but didn't" didn't seem to be the kind of objective data that Garden was looking for.

At this point, the regret had slowly started to creep in already. And between the blurs of anger, confusion, and exhaustion, the world around her held some focus. "Sorry guys, I know this is about the last thing any of us want to think about… I just feel sick. What I did, what I almost did. It's not enough that he violated my trust, I feel like he was trying to advantage of me when I was at my weakest. As far as the rest…. I just wish it had been easier. All of you guys at Garden just seemed so… blasé about sex." She turned to Squall, giving him a lopsided, sympathetic smile while biting her bottom lip. Nervously, she laughed, offering yet another apology.

"Sorry Squall, I just need to stop while I'm ahead. I didn't mean _everyone _at Garden on an individual level… I'm honestly not trying to lump any of you into some category. It just seems that the entire culture there was a little more open… I mean, it's a little odd as an outsider raised into a more conservative philosophy. And wow, I have no idea where I was going with this… I derailed this enough and have gone so far off track that I think I'm technically off the grid."

"For what it's worth, I do understand. I found myself in a similar vacuum, but found a way out. I know it means little and the words start to lose meaning after a while, but honestly it's the best I can tell you right now – no regrets." Reaching out, Squall put his hand over her arm, giving her hand the signal they had come to understand over the last few days. "We can talk in private, whenever you're comfortable. I promise you it has no bearing on the case from my end — you need to check to make sure it's the same for you. I understand you feel used, so let's make sure we get him out of this in one piece then you tell him everything you just said."

Reaching over she took both his hands in hers, knowing he was right. He said it best when he said she 'felt used' and to her, that would eternally remain the world's largest understatement.

"Squall, all I wanted was something with no commitments, no expectations, yet I knew it was stupid and shortsighted. Honestly, if the news about your shooting hadn't come on… who knows what would've happened if the push came to shove. Why couldn't I be like you and find someone else? You had a lot in common with your girlfriend and Zone…well, we shared a lot of history. And he wouldn't hurt me. He couldn't. Just to have someone touch me and tell me I actually mattered."

With nothing he could say right now, he looked to their hands. It might've seemed like the cowardly way out, but he'd tell her tonight, tomorrow, and the rest of her life that she mattered.

_Ah screw it,_ he thought, bringing her close. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, softly echoing the words he'd been thinking. "Rinoa, you matter, you always have."

"And sorry again about kissing Zone in front of you, if I had to do it over… that wouldn't have been my reaction."

"I'm sure. Yes, it was hard seeing that but… what right did I have to say anything? It's not like we were even in a relationship. Hell, I think you spent most of the day not speaking to me."

"Yeah, pretty much, meanie." Embarrassed, she turned Zell, not exactly forgetting they weren't alone but not really worrying. "You probably think I'm a horrible person now."

"Nah, you're human – no shocker there… although jury's still out on your not-so-better half. Although, gotta wonder if it had been reversed and you had to watch Squall kiss Lauren instead. I mean how you would've handled it? Would be… _interesting._ Let's say you just happened to be lounging in the sun and…"

"Yeah, this is circling back to bikini-mud wrestling again, isn't it? Not going to happen, Zell. Not in this life or next." She had to add a comment, "Although, about watching the kiss, I'll just say someone would most likely end up petrified."

"That's my girl." Zell had to laugh at the image, although inappropriate timing was truly inappropriate and he highly doubted she was joking all that much or _at all._ "Might not want to dwell on that too much as she's sorta on her way down here."

"_That_ reminder was needed," Squall shot back.

As if on cue, the alarm on the door chimed as Lauren opened the door, following close behind was Laguna.

"Great, something else that's _needed_," he added, low enough that only she could hear. No matter how much progress they'd made, Squall's gut reaction couldn't change as simply as the wind's direction.

Unfortunately for the commander, Rinoa's reaction was equally as resolute. She'd been close enough to 'accidently' elbow him - a secondary opinion that she'd make sure was voiced. Catching the exchange, Zell had to chuckle to himself how cute they were, although the cuteness factor would turn if actually pointed out in front of their company.

With an attaché case and folders in hand, Lauren went into full-business mode. "Don't stand. We'll get right into the situation."

Rinoa fought the urge to roll her eyes. She had _zero _thought of standing, but was glad Lauren had been kind enough to tell her not to. They'd pulled two seats up from the dining table, including the one that had been doubling as Squall's workstation.

Taking a seat, Laguna tried to ignore the obvious tension, focusing on Lauren.

"So, yeah, your friend here filled me."

She smiled politely. "Lauren if you prefer, President Loire. You may call me Lauren."

"Sounds good. How 'bout you call me Laguna and we just drop the formalities altogether. It's never really been my thing."

"It's appreciated, sir. For the time being however, I believe I'd be more comfortable with the formalities. A man of your stature commands respect. Maybe given time, that will change."

"No problem either, I get that too," Laguna laughed tensely, finding the situation growing increasingly awkward. No matter the angle he wanted to approach things from, the ingredients in the room felt like a recipe for disaster. There was an estranged son, a nervous father, a new daughter-in-law, an ex-girlfriend, her ex-boyfriend, a sorceress, a President, two feuding commanders, three conflicting SeeDs… and, of course, Zell.

On that basis alone, this had become a powder keg of epic proportions.

As for Rinoa, she found herself fascinated with Lauren and Laguna's interactions with each other. It should've been the last thing on her mind, but that painful exchange left her in awe. The sorceress was the last person who should pass judgment, but sometimes Lauren Rachels made it _so. Damn. Hard_. Truthfully, Rinoa had no idea why she even cared. After tomorrow, she'd personally be fine never being on the same continent as the SeeD again. Yet there was something gnawing inside of her, something that warned her not to make waves, that it was better to leave this mission with ally intact than an enemy born.

Looking towards his son, Laguna continued in rather iconic Laguna-esque fashion. "Um, yeah, I was saying that your friend here called me, asking me to meet her outside this room… I guess maybe you've found something, or something? So... that's why I'm here."

Rinoa now found a new reason to be in awe. Her father-in-law referred to Lauren as 'their friend.' Not only did he say it once, he repeated it a couple times — each instance a cringe-worthy, eye-rolling offence on its own — but she held her peace although, with Laguna's words, Rinoa's mind somehow made the most nonsensical leap… ever.

Lauren wasn't an ally to keep close; she was a rash that needed to be handled with care.

There would always be this nagging feeling that female SeeD would unexpectedly show up, like a dormant rash just under the skin. Even if you couldn't see her, you knew she was there, festering like an annoying itch that would never go away.

As Rinoa sat there, watching the meticulously-annoying SeeD, she tried to figure her out. It wasn't that she really wanted to, but it made for an interesting distraction. As for Lauren, there were times Rinoa found her less annoying, bordering on tolerable, and sometimes even on the verge of helpful. Then at others, not even a pallet of antibiotic ointment would work. Hell, Rinoa hadn't been around anyone this inherently-infuriating since Seifer.

Then, she had it - the most random thought in the history of thoughts, even a step above (or below) the rash. Out of nowhere, Rinoa broke into laughter and all tension of the room was transferred, the reaction just as ill-timed as a broken clock.

Trying to duck behind Squall, she waved them on to continue. There was no way she was going to say that she'd basically equated Lauren as the female version of Squall – at least as far as work ethic — and thought it was be hysterical if Lauren started dating Seifer. She had to amend her earlier thought – _that_ was the pinnacle of psychological, exploding powder kegs. When this was over, maybe Squall could hook her up with his 'BFF.' She suddenly felt the contents of her stomach trying to escape.

It only got worse when felt the gentle touch-slash-warning of his hand.

"Shit," she murmured. Her emotions still registered on everywhere on the charts. As a whole, she honestly had no idea how she was keeping it together this long.

"It's okay," he softly reassured.

To break at least one of the established barriers, he grabbed her hand, in front of everyone, before speaking to his father. "Right now, Rinoa's been trying to sort through a very difficult situation. I don't want to negate anything she's accomplished but, if it's okay with her, I'll go ahead and fill you in."

She smiled, appreciatively. Even though Laguna had been dutifully 'knighted' earlier after conquering the quest for pizza - only one man ever truly held the title. Taken aback, she blinked a few times, convincing herself that he wasn't some elaborate hoax. His free hand reached over and moved wisps of hair of her forehead. He didn't smile, but she could see the smallest traces of one forming on his mouth. It was these stolen moments in front of others that proved how much he cared, how much he was worried about her. It wasn't like her to laugh — that alone had given him the right to worry. To return the moment the only way possible, she mouthed 'thank you.'

Without making a huge production of it, he turned back to Laguna. "We know the identity of the shooter. There's a solid-"

Laguna jumped up, forgetting about any pretenses and restraint. "Really? That's great! How? When? Why? Who?" Stopping to catch his breath, he noticed the obvious. "Yeah…. why is this a party of one? Isn't this a cause for celebration?"

"I celebrated." Zell raised his hand, much to Squall and Rinoa's chagrin.

"…Okayyy then," Laguna drawled, nervously scratching his neck as he tried again. "Correction, why is_ nobody else_ celebrating besides Zell and I?"

"There's a solid chance Zone's the shooter."

"Zone? As in Rinoa's boyfriend?" The President mentally kicked himself for that one — Rinoa and Squall were mentally willing to join in. It was only because that's how Laguna made the association after last night. "I'm so, so sorry … I didn't mean boyfriend, _boyfriend_. He's the one who called during dinner the other night, right? I do remember someone called him that – an unfortunate connection that stuck, apparently."

He looked down at son who responded with his own version of eye-rolling. Yes, Squall said something along those lines, but it was done with obvious sarcasm, at least to Squall.

Laguna felt as if it was a constant battle, but he refused to let it get to him. "Oh, he was also the expert on conspiracy theories, correct? Oh yeah, and there were complaints that he was checking up on Rinoa a whole bunch, even like calling five times a day and..."

Even with Laguna's limited knowledge, the more obvious pieces fell into place. "Oh, I get it… in hindsight, that totally makes sense."

Although she had remained silent, Lauren couldn't let that pass. Cocking an eyebrow, she threw her superior an accusatory look.

"Five times a day and no red flags, Commander Leonhart?"

"It's… complicated." Squall wondered when he'd be done with copout responses. It wasn't even a valid answer; if anything, it was a bogus excuse that Lauren saw easily through.

Still, his cookie-cutter answers were the best she'd get so there was no point to press. At least she had the smug satisfaction of turning Squall's sarcasm against him. Yes, it wasn't professional but, in her opinion, this had already turned into a mockery.

Keeping her eyes on him, she responded in kind. "Understood. I agree. If the media hears from two credible sources, yourself and the President of Esthar, that Rinoa _had a boyfriend_… 'Complicated' seems appropriate.

"I don't," the sorceress cut 'the rash' off curtly.

"Sarcasm doesn't translate in print and responses such as 'it's complicated' leaves the interpretation up to politicians and the media. I'm here to protect Garden's reputation, not your feelings, but I believe those two coincide in the long run, but you have to give me that chance. It might help your husband to remember that we need to work together."

Squall hated when Lauren was right. Actually, it was a far worse experience than Seifer being right – Seifer was an arrogant prick (to paraphrase Irvine), did a flashy little dance of superiority, and then lorded it over you until he was wrong, which the turn-around was not-too-surprisingly quick there. But Lauren… Lauren was so damn 'perfect' about being perfect. Unlike Seifer's delusions of grandeur, Laruen made you _feel_ hers and, unlike the dancing prick, the time before she was proved wrong was excruciatingly-long.

"Zone has been a brother-like mentor to her since she was about sixteen," Squall began sternly, finding himself playing both peacemaker and mediator again. Between Rinoa and Lauren and the awkward comments from Laguna and Zell, Squall was going to need a vacation from being dead very soon. "It's easy to see clues in hindsight but, when we were only looking for one suspect, it complicates things quite a bit."

"It_ complicates."_

There was another form of that fucking word — one he was going to strike from his vocabulary after this was over.

"Commander, you're correct. Without the entire picture it is complicated, commander." Turning towards the sorceress, she wanted to clarify. "I didn't mean to come off accusingly. We're all under a lot of stress and, yes, in retrospect, it's easy to see things for what they are. Out of curiosity, if you don't mind, I don't recall seeing that name in attendance at the funeral. Did he show?"

"I, he… no, he didn't," choking out the words, her eyes looked to the floor. _They_ were exactly right. All the clues, the 'big picture,' it was right there. She should've seen, but she was too blinded by her emotions. The truth had been literally standing in front of her.

"Rinoa, I only ask because one of the main reasons that we actually held the service that quickly after the shooting was to see who we drew out. I'm not sure if they explained, but guilty parties tend to like to see the pain they caused firsthand… but you need to understand that every case is different. I think that the Council might fixate on the fact that the non-guilty party actually showed up for the funeral, but the guilty party didn't. That's something… well, I'll just say that none of our scenarios ever foresaw that. After speaking with Sirtis, I think we can all relate – to some degree – why he showed up."

"Rin, I know it's difficult, but Lauren's right." Rinoa looked to Zell, the words were difficult to hear, but his smile was reassuring. "Even Squall and I thought the shooter would show up. It really is a way to relive the crime or witness the pain firsthand. Even so, I don't want to insinuate that Zone wanted to see people's reaction. I still don't think he's _evil-evil_ just, you know, evil."

Rinoa crooked her head so she could look at both Zell and Squall. "No Zell, you're almost exactly right, he wanted a reaction. See, I didn't want to go dinner that night — I'd been a little more pre-occupied with work lately, but I knew he wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer on the phone. After dinner, I think he made sure that my television was on. It was muted, but stayed on until the news was on… As far as our kiss, looking back now, I don't think he actually thought it would happen before. If so, he might've had the television off…" She let out a bitter laugh. "Okay, yeah, there's no _'might'_ about it - the television would've been _off._ Zone didn't know the details about the emotional bond between Squall and I, or everything that fell into place before I kissed him."

Lauren knew exactly what this 'friend' was doing. "Rinoa, you're not wrong. It sounds like he was planning to be there when you got the news. If anything were to transpire between you, it would be in the wake of the tragedy. Honestly, this could've been a long-term plan - weeks, months, or even longer… if he's waited this long, a little more time wouldn't matter. Permanently eliminating his competition was a perfect failsafe and, from a strategic standpoint, going with his friend–comfort–compassion routine was a rather solid move."

Squall found that mentally placing himself into Zone's position helped his thought-process, although it also made him feel emotionally-dirty. "Rinoa, you and Lauren are both right. The reason he wasn't at Balamb is because it honestly didn't matter; y_ou _were the reaction he wanted to see. In regards to my shooting, all those countless hours of funeral tapes from Balamb were entirely useless."

Zell groaned an inhuman guttural cry of agony.

Honestly, the martial artist didn't give a Red Bat's ass about how unprofessional the reaction was. No, it was the fact those videos were seared into the deepest parts of his mind. That pain should count for something; in fact, he made a mental note to kick Zone's ass twice now. And after the second ass-kicking, he'd arrange for Zone to also enjoy those videos from his cell.

Lauren shook her head. Folding her arms, she looked towards her tormented comrade. "Mr. Dincht, I understand the travesty you've endured. Being forced to actually do your job, is a novel concept to you, I'm sure. And it wasn't a total loss as it led us to Sirtis. So, no worries, you'll be back in your dorm soon where you can resume watching your normal video fare which comprises of a dancing and singing dinosaur."

He desperately wanted to mimic her, but wisely held his tongue. Squall could get away with an asshole-ish attitude. For one, he had Lauren shared the word 'commander' somewhere in their title. More importantly, when this was over, Squall could walk away, whereas Zell would be likely finding himself walking through her office door.

Still, that didn't mean he wouldn't silently mock her because he seemed to vividly recall _Rinoa _being the one to break the Sirtis part of the case_, _watching the tapes only serving as a source of confirmation. Although pointing that out that 'it was Rinoa who led them to Sirtis and not him' would prove slightly counter-productive. He could also point out that he _most certainly didn't_ watch videos of damn dinosaurs singing or dancing. However, saying that his movie collection was inherited from Irvine pre-marriage didn't bode well either – even worse when he could honestly say that the stupid dinosaur was a _much _better actor.

Thankfully, it was dropped by both parties; in reality, they all had bigger problems.

The one person, who had been amazingly quiet, even by normal standards, was Laguna.

There was so much that he was trying to process that he found himself drifting in and out of their conversations, becoming lost in his thoughts. Then again, after those last comments from Lauren, he honestly wasn't sure of what he'd missed and maybe that was for the best. Yes, the details were important and he'd work on sorting those out. But, in these moments, the 'how' they figured things out wasn't as important as 'how' it affected the people he loved.

"I'm so, so sorry. You didn't deserve this… If you need anything, anytime. I'm here, you know that, right?"

"You always were." She didn't mean to sound accusing, but unfortunately it may have come off that way. "It's the past. As much as I try to reason everything, I keep coming back to maybe this had to happen. For my sanity, I've given up on trying to use logic."

"Maybe I should try avoiding logic too." He smiled knowingly. "Don't even say it. I just opened myself up to way too much ridicule there. Still, the more I try to use logic, the more illogically this becomes. How can anyone who'd called themselves a friend do that? I remember both of your friends and meeting them once or twice. I could never figure out who was who… that's a mistake I won't be making again. Ha, speaking of mistakes, remember that charity thing in Timber? You know, where I misread the card and introduced them publically as life partners…. That was…_awkward."_

Rinoa was glad to laugh — in the midst of everything, it was the only part of her that felt remotely natural. Zell also joined in, although the word 'natural' couldn't be used on the rapid succession of snorting-type laughs that he made.

For even a brief moment, Rinoa dared to believe that a snicker had emanated from her husband too. Even so, figuring out whether the source of his rare, public mirth was from the Zone-Watts story or Zell's snort laugh was likely to remain an unsolved mystery.

"Laguna, thank you for bringing up the memory. I needed to laugh."

Smiling, she turned to look at her husband, but glanced to Zell. "We were holding benefit to rebuild a youth center in Timber. Thinking that Laguna might have some clout, I asked him to do a formal speech. He introduced me first. It was just a brief line about how I worked foreign affairs. Simple enough. The guys' introduction was supposed to mirror mine, but the only difference being that they worked in partnership with Timber on the domestic side. But since it's Laguna, the normal, vanilla introduction turned into anything but. He…"

This time, she was the one managing the muffled snort. With her hand atop her mouth, she fought to compose herself. "Somehow, he transposed the words on his note cards or something and introduced them as Zone and Watts, Timber's domestic partners."

"…Then it got bad," Laguna said, shamefaced. "See, Rinoa was standing right there and she tried to correct me. She'd whispered '_domestic affairs,_' but, yeah, I only heard the word _'affair._'" Laguna placed his hands up, although it remained unsure who he was 'surrendering to' or if he just randomly put his hands in the air. Looking at his son, he continued to explain that his heart was in the right place, even if his hearing and logic had both been on a sabbatical. "Okay, Squall, in my defense, this was the first time I'd seen Rinoa post-break up … So maybe,_ maybe_, I was emotional and projecting your separation onto Zone and Watts' breakup."

"Their _nonexistent_ break up," Rinoa corrected.

"Fine, fine. Still, I wanted to see them happy and it wasn't a large, large crowd… so I thought I could maybe rebuild a youth center. Win-win, right?"

"No." Squall said horrified. Suddenly, Zell's thoughts about meat now seemed award-worthy.

"Yes, yes he did," she countered with a sly grin, looking at her husband. "Laguna told the crowd that he'd personally donate the _entire amount_ and anything extra they raised could be used on items, furnishing for the center – all in exchange for a few minutes' time. He then went into a speech about love and forgiveness. And then he went on about overcoming obstacles and, since he thought one of them had an affair, he spent the next few minutes talking about the underlying reasons for infidelity. Honestly, by the end of it, everyone was giving him standing ovation because of his passion. He went on about how it doesn't matter who you love, no matter how difficult they can be, or what the world thinks – along as you're happy. It was so sweet that he was trying to mend Timber's 'domestic partners.' Nobody had the heart to correct him, not even Timber's favorite 'domestic partners.' Laguna had become the hero of the night."

"Of course, Rinoa saw through it right away. I mean, of course I wanted to Zone and Watts to reconcile… again, not getting into logistics or you know, logic in general. I was trying to get Rinoa to hear me out, because she was like a giant clam on the whole relationship thing. I felt bad for putting her on the spot, but I wanted her to listen. Plus, I knew – that she knew – what I was doing, especially when at one point I'd accidently referred to one them as 'my son.' Guess people thought I was doing that fatherly advice thing."

"Well, Squall… at least I never asked which one of the two he was calling son." Rinoa put her hand on his leg, a laugh still filling her voice. The whole thing had become so absurd that the only way survive the night was with humor.

"Hey, at least I figured the whole thing out when I saw the wedding picture on Watts' desk."

Rinoa urged him on. "Which _was_…."

"Two months later, okay? Nobody told me until then; actually, nobody told me at all – thankyouverymuch, but I figured it out. Eventually. See, isn't Zone big into conspiracy theories? I mean, seems like he was part of one. Just saying."

"Yeah, yeah he is. He has... a lot of them. I can't even keep them straight. I guess that once in a while, he gets something right… unfortunately."

"Rinoa, what he did isn't forgivable but, if he hadn't, then we may never have spoken to Sirtis. Finding the truth out about Katipo may be able to save lives in the future. Zone also used his historical knowledge, giving us the TEL lines as bait. The whole thing is creepy, yes… at least there's some consolation in the fact that he didn't attend Squall's funeral. The thought of him there creeps me out on every level possible."

"You're somewhat right. He didn't attend the funeral, but he wanted to… God, it's another thing I can look back on now… I see it so differently. He _really_ wanted to go with me, but I said I needed to face that part of my past alone. Actually, I remember when I got home, he was completely weirded out about a stack of Squall's boxes. I'd just set them in the living room and… he was really weird about it."

For some reason, she looked up at Laruen. Seeing as the female SeeD had made a snide comment about Squall's overlooking the obvious, Rinoa had actually expected one to be hurled her direction as well.

To her surprise, Lauren did respond. Most likely for the fact that Rinoa had been the one initiating eye contact. "The boxes were a physical manifestation of what he'd done. Killing and death were no longer an abstract concept. Reality and guilt were clashing in the makeshift utopia where you would end up going to him for comfort."

Rinoa sat dumfounded. "Yeah…or something like that. He kept insisting that I put them in the basement for my sake. Looking back at the situation now, I feel as if he kept telling me how I felt – like I was bothered to see them. Yes, maybe I was, but I was too lost to put that much thought into any one thing and not to the level that he was. I think now I can easily say he was the one bothered by seeing them. Hell, he even volunteered to call off work and move them — I gotta admit it came off a little _obsessive_… Squall and Zell were there for that conversation, but they um…."

Licking her lips, she thought about that day. Of course, she could've covered easily, but Laguna had just shared his heart-warming story. "They were squashed together in a closet. They'd shown up hours before, so I hadn't had time to cover their tracks. Jumping in was a split-second decision but there was no other choice but my point is that they can verify the conversation as they were actually present. I didn't speak with Zone long — honestly, I was trying to get him out of there without being too eager about it. They were literally in a small closet on top of one another. Plus seeing Squall's boxes when he was staying in my house didn't bother me anymore, but their significance would have obviously never changed to Zone. I think that's when it became less about wanting to help me, and more about keeping things out-of-sight-out-of-mind for him."

"Since walking into this room, I've already heard a lot of non-essential information to the case or to life in general. However, once in a great while, a tidbit comes down the pipe that makes these bouts of chit-chat more tolerable. Thank you, Mrs. Leonhart."

"Really?" Zell shot back, his mouth agape, "Really? Rinoa?"

She mouthed 'lawn chair' before looking back to Lauren.

All joking aside, she hadn't thought about Squall's belongings until now. Zone was so adamant about getting rid of them. She had to wonder how many other little things were suddenly going to have secondary meanings.

There was an awkward silence where it seemed like nobody knew what to say, either about the boxes or about the closet. Finally, Laguna sat back, looking at his son and daughter-in-law.

"Well, I was joking before, but I'll come right out and say that we owe Zone a bit of thanks. The guy may be more screwed up than Sirtis, but if it wasn't for him and his bad aim, you two wouldn't be back together… and married."

With that thought, Zell jumped up, throwing a few victory punches. "Let me tell him! That's better than kicking his ass the second time. I want to see his face when he finds out his plan couldn't have backfired any worse! Hell, not even a Rinoa plan could end this badly. No offence." He grinned, giving her a double thumbs-up.

"Whatever." Rolling her eyes, the sorceress fell back on the couch – with a smile just below the surface, even more so when she felt Squall's hand reach for hers.

"Now Squall, that's a moment I'd watch over and over if we taped it. Plus he and Caraway are kinda like co-Presidents of the anti-Squall club. Like I said, the fact his plan backfired this badly is beyond epic. And not too long ago you told me once that you would thank whoever did it so… I'm just saying we should up the ante with a huge thank-you card and pictures of the wedding."

"Look, I know you're not thinking clearly, but it is Rinoa's friend. It's hard, but all of us need to keep that fact at the forethought."

"Rin, I'm sorry… again. I actually think I've said that more in the last few days than all the rest of my life. That can't be a good sign. It's just easy to get caught up with everything. I have all this energy pent up and I feel like physically kickin' Zone's tail, but I know he's your friend, so it's fine to kick mine when I say something stupid."

He smiled awkwardly, "Fair warning though, your legs are going to get tired — you'll be doing a lot of kicking."

Here she was again –_ caught_.

Zell was being honest with his feelings, and probably was the only one of them who had been this entire time. For good or bad, he never held back from what he was feeling. It's what she'd always loved about him. Letting go of Squall's hand, she stood up to go over and give Zell a huge hug. She didn't return to her seat, instead she wedged herself in between her friend and the loveseat.

"You're right, Zell. All of it. Yes, I think the thing that will haunt him most about this is the fact Squall and I got married. I know how much satisfaction you'd get out of telling him yourself, trust me, I'm sure you're not the only that feels that way but… this needs to come from me. I owe it to him… and yes, I get how that sounds, but I don't owe it to him for the present or even the future, but Zone helped me through the past."

Turning to everyone, she outwardly voiced her plea, "I know this sounds ridiculous considering, but I know Zone. He's family and I love him, but I also believe there's a catalyst we're missing, another reason to go after Squall… more than a three-year-old breakup. I think it goes deeper, but I'll be damned if I don't find out what it is. _**I **_need to find that out."

Softly, she laughed; the irony wasn't lost on her. "This morning I wanted Lauren to help because I made the mistake of promising Blalock's family they'd get answers about Sirtis. When we got the answers, I would become one of the liars – not Sirtis. Now, I'm in the same spot, needing answers again, but for part of my family. So, I'll ask Lauren for help again – and if I find I don't want whatever answers I get, I'll end up lying again – to myself this time. But no matter what anyone else ever hears from me about Zone, I need the truth."

Lauren stood up. Taking a step forward, she handed a folder to Squall. "Commander, here's your team, but obviously you'll be a ghost leader. I'll be taking point to head the capture."

Her expression softened as she turned toward Zell, "I need a reliable second. I've put in a request that Alex fill that position. Don't worry, she can hold her own, although I don't foresee any danger."

Zell knew that she could hold her own. Oddly, for once, he wasn't worried. Yes, he'd be the first to say that he might've wanted to personally rearrange Zone's face at the moment, but he believed that the man wouldn't hurt innocent people.

If anyone was in danger from Zone, it was Zone himself.

Flipping open the folder, Squall skimmed the paperwork. "9:00 am, Mandy Beach? We'll have to head out now to even try to make it on time. Even then, that'll require us to be driving the van at full speed. Best honeymoon ever."

Great, just the perfect way to end his first day of marriage – he'd always heard the phrase the 'honeymoon's over' but memories of it actually starting were rather hazy. Of course, that had been their choice and one no doubt they'd make again in a heartbeat. Still, driving all night in the van-from-hell wasn't what he'd pictured; he'd make this up to her and probably take her somewhere where vans were completely illegal.

"Squall, I can help there…Okay, not completely as technically it may still be the worst honeymoon in the history of honeymoons, but I'll help you stay off the roads by arranging air travel. Why have a ship like the Ragnarok if it's just going to sit there and look… _awesome_? Fifteen minutes, give or take, and you've crossed an entire ocean… Don't worry, I won't be hurt if you'd rather take the van, I'll-"

"-Stop. Please, that will be fantastic." Looking over to his wife, smushed next to Zell, he wanted to smile. Wanted to, but _didn't_. "The Ragnarok is fitting. It kind of holds a history for us."

"Awww," Zell voiced dramatically, tilting his head so it rested on Rinoa's shoulder. She patted him on the head as if it had been Angelo who was looking for a little affection.

"Whatever." The commander wouldn't dignify Zell's response. The martial artist had actually been sincere in his 'awwing,' unfortunately it wasn't taken that way by Squall.

Who knows? Maybe Squall was too defensive of the ship, and of his history with Rinoa. It was special to them and if others found that juvenile or a source of humor, he honestly didn't care. He would never say there was one particular moment or time that he 'fell in love.' Emotions didn't work that way, at least not for him. Still, even he'd have to say that some monumental moments happened on that ship. His life had started to change, his thoughts began to grow, and a lot of that could be rooted on the Ragnarok.

As for Laguna, he was thrilled to actually be able to help. So many times he offered, but so many times he'd been shot down. The last few days were… hopeful.

"Squall, I can get a driver to cross the van over the bridge, if you'd like. I know once things are put into motion it's likely to go… _quickly_. At least, this way, Garden's van will be in Timber or, if you'd prefer, I can get someone to take it all the way to Balamb. That's not a problem either, just say the word."

"Timber will be great. Thank you. From there, I'll let the headmaster make the call."

"Um, if it's okay…" Laguna felt his entire body tighten up like one giant ball of nervous stress, so much for the simplicity of leg cramps. "Squall, I know that this part really isn't Esthar's concern. And yeah, maybe I should stay here… No, I know I should because of Sirtis and Katipo, and everything else under the sun, but I also really want to go along. Esthar will still have its fair share of the world's problems tomorrow but… you're my son and Rinoa's my daughter so, I'd kind of like to be there… for both of you. Or I can stay here. The last thing I want to do is be in the way. Oh, yeah…don't worry, you'd still get the ship… you know, the Ragnarok. Or if…"

"Laguna, I know the ship would still be ours to use — that offer is still appreciated. The answer to the other is yes - you, Kiros and Ward are more than welcome. As I see it, the Ragnarok is an Estharian ship; it's more than fitting for an Estharian crew to come along. I can assure that SeeD will be glad to have your assistance."

Squall knew what his father had been getting at. Like so many other times, it was easier to just cut to the chase. Then again, Squall may be the one to benefit from that lesson and learn to cut to the chase as well. Because while the words he said were true, they really weren't what he meant. After a brief glance at Rinoa, and a shared exchange, it was if she understood too, helping him to open up.

He never knew why this stuff was so damn impossible to say; the whole concept was way too new to begin to make sense. Still, he'd try.

"…Aside from the assistance that you'd offer SeeD, we'd like you there too, not as backup I mean. It's just Rinoa and I… well, the ship wouldn't feel right without you."

It wasn't some overly-mushy 'you're family' sentiment — Squall wasn't ready for that. Hell, whatever just spewed from his mouth _obviously_ proved he wasn't. Sadly, Angelo might have come across as more articulate.

Lauren stood up, falling into a stance that was very attention-like. "Commander Leonhart, is there anything I can do to be of service? If not, I'd like to be dismissed. I still need to verify transport for two separate teams tomorrow as we converge near Mandy Beach. Our group will meet in the designated passenger section of the Ragnarok at 0:700. This ensures that we'll have adequate time for both briefing and travel."

As she was starting to fidget, Rinoa glanced to the present company, waiting for someone to speak up with what seemed like the obvious question. Yes, there was a chance that they were waiting for tomorrow before drilling specifics into place. Still, she found it incredible odd that_ nobody_ mentioned the actual play to talk to Zone. Rinoa, herself, had been bouncing around few thoughts, but didn't want to shot down; she already knew what Lauren's opinions would be and she didn't feel like being humiliated – even it wasn't her intention, it was often the result.

Flipping a few papers, Squall looked up from the folder. "No, you're dismissed Commander Rachels. I think it's best we adjourn and look at this with a fresh set of eyes in the morning. Capturing Zone isn't going to be anything like going after Sirtis. For now, I'd rather not have the team know_ why_ we are looking for him, for his safety — this remains classified. And the last thing we need is word getting out."

"Understood. I'm going to head back upstairs… I left Cid trying to babysit two Council members while trying to coordinate with the FH group. I'm sure he's about ready to pull his hair out… or down a bottle of wine. Or both."

"Good luck with that."

All three SeeDs saluted one another before Lauren left the room. Laguna looked at his watch before placing his hands in his pants' pockets.

"So, um, I_ was_ going to tell you that Kiros was securing two of the courtesy suits upstairs. We saw no reason to go through the song-and-dance of returning to the Palace just to turn around and do it again after a few hours of sleep. Like I saying, I _was _going to tell you about the rooms, instead, you gave me an idea. It's nothing as fancy as upstairs… that's kind of the World Council's thing anyhow. But these rooms are much better and honestly a lot cooler. This building's connected to Esthar Air Station by an underground tunnel and since you two have to be _there_ first thing in the morning anyhow…"

Laguna hated when he made things awkward; in this instance, it perhaps owed to the fact that this was his idea and he felt like they'd judge him for it. He also found that making eye contact with Rinoa was easier than his son, so he decided to go the safe route. He even glanced down Zell, who smiled from his place on the loveseat – the martial artist had this amazing talent to be naturally reassuring.

"I was wondering if you'd like to stay onboard the Ragnarok. We redid the cabins a few years back and the captain's quarters are free. Honestly, they're not all that big. I think the SeeD dorms are larger but… there's something really fascinating about being aboard the Ragnarok like that. I'm just offering it to you two… that is if you'd like."

Zell had noticed that Laguna had been acting nervous again so he took that last bit of unfortunate eye contact… and ran with it for all it was worth. Grinning at the President, Zell placed his arm around Rinoa's waist and pulled her into a hug, catching her unaware. Falling back, she landed awkwardly on his lap.

"Laguna we'd love that! Thank you. Rinny dear kicks in her sleep, but I do too, so all's fair in love and war but… what about poor Squall? Is there a spare engine room or something?"

* * *

_ **Chapter Eighty-Six: The Inner Light**_

* * *

  
It didn't take too long, but the four managed to hash out a new plan for the evening. The only thing that remained was for Laguna to tell Kiros the 'good news.' The President wasn't looking forward to that as history proved that his impromptu or improvised planning style usually didn't go over well. Kiros often found that he had to rearrange Laguna's rearrangements. On the bright side, Laguna could point out that at least this plan didn't involve vessels, oceans, sheer vertical cliffs or random acts of stupidity.

When Laguna first mentioned that he wanted the three to sleep aboard the multi-million Gil, high-security, state-of-the-art technological, secret-filled spacecraft, it went over as well as expected. No matter how much Kiros liked the three, they were security risks. It was his job not to be clouded by emotion and look at the security resumes that each brought to the table.

First, was the Commander of SeeD who was, for all intents-and-purposes, dead to the world. Not to mention that following orders seemed to be something Squall hadn't been doing very much of as of late, a fact he himself had admitted outright. The man had his own agenda which, first and foremost, included his wife. Kiros loved Rinoa, but she had her own baggage in the security department. She was still in fact the daughter of a high-ranking Galbadian General. The country was Esthar's former enemy and relationships between the two nations were strained at best. She was also a representative of Timber's government and a former resistance member but, most importantly, she was a sorceress - not an easy fact to overlook. Then there was Zell, who was… hyper and had an uncanny ability to touch random things, break random things, and then attempt to fix random things within a matter of minutes. It usually turned out all right, but when something contained lasers, bombs, and missiles, any rational person's mind would leap to worse-case-scenarios.

Of course, any of Kiros' objections were quickly overruled by the President. Honestly, maybe it was just the initial shock that Laguna had offered up the Ragnarok as Esthar's latest hotel but, maybe the President was right. The three had too much to lose – not that he thought they'd do anything personally, but being in charge of Esthar's entire defensive system, it was his job to think of 'what ifs.' It was Laguna's job to help him remember his humanity – not everything was a war and not everyone was a threat. The more he started to rationalize it, the more he realized that Laguna had been right all along.

The choice was actually quite efficient. Strategically, it honestly didn't come any easier – on paper, reaching Esthar Air Station was easier than sneaking the trio upstairs to the en-house suites or back to the Palace. During Esthar's reconstruction, engineers had added a secure underground transport to all major points of local government and Esthar's Airstation. Again, it was something else that Kiros had been against, noting that it posed a security nightmare, but the politicians had all decided that convenience outweighed the risk.

Kiros still believed he was in the right; then again, this was the same brain-trust that devised a way to poison its own water supply. At least he found that they could finally use the city's infrastructure to their favor; ironically, while also proving his point. If two or three people could devise a way to sneak people around without being seen, what could an enemy accomplish using the same tactics?

After the call, plans were immediately set in motion. Ragnarok's three overnight guests were on the move – most likely their last time traveling on Estharian soil. Laguna and Lauren served as their personal escorts while Kiros and Ward had gone ahead, securing a path. Thankfully, the lower corridors were relatively deserted after dark, especially approaching midnight. Even so, this was riskiest part of their journey but, it was a damn cake walk compared to their other options.

When they all met back up, Kiros ushered them on the train on the off chance someone would show up. He then relayed the most important points of the plan, outlining necessary items without adding superfluous information. He was all business and Squall respected that. Even if the two of them had butted heads recently, the commander recognized the man's skills; moreover, he recognized that Laguna was very lucky to have him as an ally and, more importantly, as a friend.

For full disclosure, Kiros continued the rundown, explaining that he'd already called in some of the Ragnarok's technicians. This was not only standard procedure, it was necessary for pre-flight maintenance. He also explained that most lived within walking distance to this building; they were likely to come here first, boarding the underground system to commute.

Because of this, he proposed that someone should remain at this station, allowing for a heads-up. It didn't take long for Lauren to step forward, eager to volunteer for that particular duty.

After that, the train pulled in from the station. Kiros and Ward sat up to the front in order to be the main watch out. Zell and Laguna were sitting about ten rows back, the newlyweds directly behind them. It was eerily quiet, save for the engine and the sound of the wheels turning below.

It seemed as though nobody wanted to speak.

Honestly, Rinoa didn't even know if she could. Her mind had been caught in a whirlwind, still unsure of what was happening. Right now, she was doing her best to stay out of the others' way. Mentally, very few things were registering. Honestly, even if her life depended on it, she couldn't recall what the boarding area looked like. It was like she was suffering from an acute case of tunnel vision, focusing on seeing only what was in front of her. She needed to snap out of this and collect herself - to be her own person again - and not some animatronic imitation. It wasn't until the train was moving before some of Kiros' had words clicked; it appeared that her brain was currently processing life about two minutes behind the speed of reality.

"_Our technicians have designated work areas and shouldn't be near the crew cabins. However, for precautionary reasons, I'll be locking down your area of the ship. And before concerns are raised, yes… emergency exits are still accessible. Understand that this is a security precaution. Obviously, we do not want them recognizing you or believing that there are intruders aboard. These men are military. If they believe there's a security breach, they will use necessary force so don't put yourself in the line of fire."_

Unfortunately, Rinoa knew exactly what that meant - they couldn't go nosing around the ship. Even with her tunnel vision, she'd still let her mind wander. Maybe it was nothing more than a necessary escape, but she'd secretly concocted this whole romantic scenario - the one where she and Squall retraced their footsteps until they 'oh-so-conveniently' ended up at the cockpit. Maybe it was best left a dream. They had a busy day in the morning, after all.

She wanted to scream as a form of release, but didn't. Again, she replaced the reality of tomorrow with the fantasy she'd created. For her sanity, she simply had to. She smiled softly, mentally picturing how fun it would be to re-walk the _ass-backwards_ route they were forced to take because of the Propagators. Of course, that would be just to annoy her husband. Truth was that he'd been annoyed enough for both of them five years ago, but at least he got to kill things then. She sighed, maybe it was for the best after all.

Walking down memory lane wasn't such a good idea, but her thoughts had at least served as hopeful distractions. Speaking of distractions, she had to make an observation about train – it seemed as if Esthar had built a relatively-normal transit system. She believed their levitating tea-cups – or what Selphie dubbed the 'freaky floaters' - were both impractical and dangerous… Adel really was a very odd person.

The subway-like transport ride was short lived, but Zell found the brief trip mildly amusing - if for no other reason than it being a change in pace and, more importantly, it _wasn't in a damn van_. He also made a mental note to tease Selphie about fulfilling her 'lifelong dream.'

Okay, so maybe 'lifelong' was overkill…and fine, maybe even saying 'her dream' was a bit of a stretch too. Still, oh yes, there'd be jealousy; although his 'accomplishment' was _nothing_ to be jealous of.

…But he'd still play it up.

Selphie Kinneas would rue all those jokes she'd made about him and hotdogs. Oh yes, Zell Dincht would embellish the last three-and-a-half minutes like they were _the best thing ever_. Just for shits and giggles, he would even follow Laguna's lead by 'transposing' a few other events just to make the build-up even bigger.

The story he'd tell would start with Squall taking him under his wing after being highly-impressed about his super-dooper people skills. He was now Squall's personal prodigy or protégé… or something that sounded equally as important and to celebrate, Sir Laguna bought him dinner. And since they'd already stayed at the Presidential residence, he invited them aboard the Ragnarok. To get there, they had to ride on a train reserved for VIPs. For the cherry-on-top of his hodgepodge of re-arranged facts, he'd end the story by saying that he sat directly next to "Sir Laguna" and they swapped emotional stories during the entire trip – ones that involved blowing up things. If this worked, Selphie would be so jealous that she'd never, ever ask him to be on another decorating committee.

Although Laguna had been sitting next to Zell, his thoughts were at the opposite end of the spectrum. He was thinking about his country, his people. He was thinking about the future of his family, his _whole family_, including the couple seated directly behind him. In a way, this train trip marked the beginning of the end but, Laguna was optimistic by nature, so he liked to think of this as 'the beginning of the new beginning.' Granted his statement outwardly didn't make much sense, but it did to him.

His future held hope again and that's the only sense that mattered.

As for Squall, he was personally glad there had been no talking as it gave him time to solidify his position. It seemed that they were putting a lot of thought into tomorrow too, so was he.

As the doors opened, Kiros and Ward went ahead, making a preliminary sweep. Getting into the cargo hold of the Ragnarok was a breeze - at least in comparison to all of the day's other endeavors. Since Rinoa and Squall were staying in the captain's quarters, their room was a level above, but Zell wouldn't be too far away. If needed, he could take the shortcut as there was an access hatch linking the areas. For the moment, they remained in the clear, but there was no need in tempting fate. Kiros decided the best course of action was also the simplest - divide and conquer. He'd remain in the cargo bay, holding his position. Ward would take on escorting Zell to his room while Laguna would lead the newlyweds to upper section.

Kiros played it off as if his choices were the most convenient for everybody, but Rinoa caught on. Actually, she made a fairly-educated guess that _everyone_ had caught on. Letting Squall lead, she turned around, giving the aide an appreciative nod; he responded in kind, knowing at least two people now appreciated his all-too-transparent decision. Hopefully, Squall would too.

Rinoa continued a few paces behind her husband, smiling fully at the irony. If his goal had been to make a 'quick and painless' get-away, his objective had been met by enormous failure. Putting them with an emotionally-charged Laguna, who knew that tomorrow would be impossible for personal matters, was as far from a clean break as they could get. Her father-in-law would want to say his goodnights, goodbyes, and any other sentimental thoughts that randomly popped into his mind.

Even if her thoughts drifted elsewhere, her eyes had been drawn the ship's renovations. Still, she wasn't _that _far behind and could easily hear what Laguna was saying; not to mention, one couldn't really define him as 'quiet,' especially when being driven by emotion. Hearing him go on and on about the ship's improvements reminded her of earlier today.

She inwardly chuckled; it seemed that she and Squall couldn't get away from those who apparently had missed their life's calling as professional-grade tour guides. First, it had been Zell relaying his 'facts' about downtown Esthar _(facts_ whose validity was dubious at best) and then it was Laguna with his "Presidential tour" of the Ragnarok. However, it seemed that he might've been a tad mixed-up at times and trying to impress his son was actually making it worse. Rinoa could tell that he actually knew key words and phrases, probably heard several times while being briefed, but putting that knowledge to practical use was… well, she loved him for trying.

However, it went beyond Laguna simply trying – far beyond.

Lagging behind, she was able to watch the way father and son interacted. She'd probably be chastised by both, but she'd go as far as calling it 'adorable,' another observation over the last few days that would never see the light of day. Plus, Squall would deny what he was doing; truthfully, he may not have been consciously aware, but he wasn't making corrections or purposely asking questions that couldn't be answered (at least, not correctly). Maybe he was too tired to care or maybe it was something more but, he was listening. If she had to guess, she believed that he was giving Laguna this moment.

Besides that, there was no doubt that Squall held interest in the Ragnarok itself. He'd always been fascinated with space, especially after their encounter; he considered it beautiful and terrifying. She inwardly smiled at the parallels – they were two words that could have also been used to describe him.

As she watched her new family, she wanted the best for them. They'd both suffered enough and while she emphatically believed that the future held no guarantees, it never meant that it didn't hold hope. Rinoa hoped a lot for their future, she also hoped that she and Squall could return Esthar - when one of them was no longer considered dead. Maybe for his birthday, they could come back and also visit the Ragnarok with some of the ship's technicians- learning about it would be the perfect way to preserve their memories while creating new ones.

"So um, this is impulse power unit, yeah," Laguna continued doing his best with the tour. "I know that we upgraded something impulsive. I didn't mean we were impulsive when we redid it, I meant it had impulse in the name."

"Propulsion is important." Squall replied feebly. To him, it was such a nostalgic feeling being aboard. A few years ago at his lowest, no amount of Gil or promises would get him to step foot on this ship. Now he would have gladly fought a new hoard of Propagators just to get the chance to relive these memories.

Unfortunately, the President had taken Squall's response as mocking; he didn't know his son well enough to see what Rinoa could.

Laguna tried not to let it get to him, but he couldn't help but feel deflated. He wished that he could explain things better and wow them with his vast knowledge of the ship. In reality, he must've sounded pathetic doing his best to remember what was what and what went where.

He wished that he'd stopped himself, but getting carried away tended to be an unfortunate habit. It's just he swelled with an overwhelming sense of pride on the subjects. In a way, it was also where his worlds intersected. Squall had played a vital role in the Ragnarok's return and so he connected it his son. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but he'd come to think that the Ragnarok was a 'gift' from his son, representing a second chance. It was Squall's courage that brought it back to him.

It wasn't about glory or the accolades that came with accomplishments. It wasn't money that made Squall jump into space. In that minute, it was all done for love. That's what brought the ship back to Esthar and that's why Laguna couldn't have been any prouder. Downstairs, Rinoa even reaffirmed how sentimental the spacecraft was to the both of them too. That's why Laguna became excited when he'd inadvertently stumbled on common ground.

Looking down, he stared at the metal-grating that formed the upper part of the floor. Sandwiched beneath that was a complicated series of pipes and wires - below that was a solid metal floor. Regrettably, whoever designed the ship didn't consult with Kiros as there had already been a few Laguna-related mishaps, ironically at least two of them involved dropping keys into the grating. Unfortunately, none of those keys were 'free,' although they were retrieved with a little effort.

Actually, the memory of losing the 'free key' on Lunatic Pandora always brought a smile to his face. Laguna discovered long ago that his confidence was found in the most unconventional ways – unlike that key nearly three decades ago, his confidence wasn't lost, just temporarily misplaced.

Smiling, he apologized while trying to explain himself. "Rinoa, Squall… um, yeah, sorry 'bout this… Guess it's no big surprise that I don't remember everything or, you know, _anything_. I really was told, but never took notes or anything. I didn't think I'd actually be quizzed on it. Okay, not a literal quiz, but it's because of you guys that the Ragnarok is home. So, I solemnly promise that if you return to Esthar, I'll get one of the real engineers give you the tour you deserve… I mean, that's if you want. No pressure or anything."

He tapped a nearby wall to make his point. "Let's face it, you both earned to have someone that's a little more knowledgeable than pointing and saying, 'you hit that big red button to blow up things.' Okay, _maaybee _I wasn't that bad, but I was bad."

Rinoa laughed. "Stop it. No, it wasn't that bad, although Selphie would've loved the tour with the red buttons of destruction. She sort of has an obsession with things that go boom. …But personally, I wouldn't have changed a thing. Not to mention, I thought our tour guide was quite charming. So, we're the ones who are honored."

Squall turned his head, feigning interest in a nearby control panel. He couldn't face them, especially Laguna. He saw that moment - that split-second - where Laguna's expression waned and his spirit faltered. Yes, he managed to bounce back. Squall had the impression that's what Laguna Loire spent most of his life doing - making the best out of a bad situation. For the first time that Squall could remember, there was a part of him that felt ashamed - not about what actually had happened, but about how things _could_ have been perceived.

He found it uncomfortable, struggling to understand these unfamiliar feelings laced in guilt, knowing Laguna had taken his words the wrong way. While Squall hadn't meant the propulsion comment to come off as condescending – _it had – _and it was easy to see why Laguna had taken it that way. Honestly, based on last year's encounters alone, it was easy to see why Laguna had become crestfallen.

The reality was that history clouded the present. Opening his mouth, Squall stated to explain. "I wasn't… never mind."

His words ended as abruptly as they began. Now his failed attempt probably made him come across as an even bigger asshole, but it didn't matter. History couldn't be changed in a day, neither could years of perception.

Rinoa and Laguna exchanged a brief look, sharing in the momentary confusion. That had been… _different._ But it wasn't if they were following any chartered boundaries and pushing Squall would be detrimental. She felt this need to reach out to him, even if it was only a small gesture. Moving closer, she took his hand in hers, firmly wrapping her fingers within his; her husband didn't refuse her actions, but he also offered no response.

The mood had shifted, but she'd do her best. "Um, Laguna, I don't know if you were serious about touring the Ragnarok later on or not, but that's something I'd really be interested in. I mean, I won't speak for Squall, but we have so much history aboard the ship … And from what I've seen, she looks great. Her and I… well, we sort of went through, well, let's say a transformation together. When we needed her and she needed us and maybe a little worse for wear we all found our way home somehow. So, if you meant it, I'd at love to see how the rest of her turned out."

About eighteen months ago, he'd made a similar offer, although it had been more hypothetical then. The Ragnarok had just started renovations, but he thought she might have been interested - she brushed it off. He believed that, just like his son, she was a part of its rescue. That's why Laguna always connected her with the ship as well. Maybe the Ragnarok wasn't the only one adrift and it took one of them longer to return, but now they'd both found their way back home.

A genuine smile passed his lips as Laguna temporarily forgot about everything else. "A kindred spirit, I understand. The girl's all yours. Well, I'll be sure to throw in an actual tour guide… Then again, if you're wanting someone to point to random buttons that are either light switches or machine guns – hey, I'm your guy."

"Thank you Laguna - that would be amazing." Biting her lip nervously, she made a slight confession. "…I have to admit, I was disappointed when I found out that we couldn't look around the ship. I just had this crazy thought about spending time on the bridge."

Realizing that may have come across ungrateful, she corrected herself. Their host had been more than amazing already. "Oh, no, no… I mean, I totally get why we can't. There's no risk worth being safe, _believe me_. We'll hit the bridge next time for sure, it sort of has some very special meaning to Squall and I."

She was shocked to feel Squall's hand tense, but when she looked up to question it, she was unable to read his expression.

To Squall, while he completely agreed with everything she'd said, she'd inadvertently crossed into something uncomfortable. His boundaries were still deeply personal and while he was learning to loosen his grip in some respects, others were off limits. Memories could be stolen or twisted - that's why those particular memories were private and only shared with only her.

It was difficult for him to accept how easily she shared what he perceived as something intimate. She was completely in the right; he was the one who felt selfish hoarding memories but, for the last few years, that's how his mind survived. It would take him time, but he would be glad she opened up to others. For her, sharing their memories made her feel closer, as if she was sharing a part of herself.

"…Squall, is everything all right?"

He heard it; it was that familiar fear in her voice, the one she did the best to tiptoe around, afraid of stepping on eggshells. Now he'd managed to upset both his wife and his father in the span of just over five minutes. He was having on hell of a night. Why couldn't the Ragnarok have a fully stocked bar?

Massaging his temples with his free hand, he shook his head. "Nothing. Long day, we need to keep moving."

As they started walking again, Rinoa held back a step, pulling her hand away as they began. It probably wasn't the right response and neither was the fact that instead of just letting it go, she stared at his hand to see what he did. She wondered if he'd turn to stop, reclaim her hand, or if he'd play it off as if nothing happened. What she saw was even more upsetting - he made a quick fist before relaxing his hand.

She couldn't read too much into nothing. Of course, what she really needed to be doing was scolding herself for doing that in the first place. It was simple - he was stressed and she needed to respect his space.

Thankfully, Laguna had missed their exchange. He continued speaking as if nothing had happened - _nothing _except that Rinoa's accidental guilt-trip had worked and her plan to tell him not to feel bad backfired. This was Laguna and telling him not to feel bad made him feel worse.

"I'm so sorry, Rinoa. I promise that when this is over, you'll get whatever time you want here. I'll even have them bring the ship to you - consider it yours for a bit no matter where you are! Okay?"

She could go into the 'don't feel bad' thing again, but it would be redundant. So she did the next logical thing and it helped get her mind of off of Squall – she laughed.

"You know, I think you stumbled on to something there… consider it Esthar's new upstart business venture. See, if the country goes into a financial crunch, you're ready to go with Rent-a-Ragnarok. It's like a limousine or party bus service, minus the need for those darn pesky roads. Throw in a few kegs of beer and a commemorative t-shirt and it becomes a sure-fire hit that sells itself. In fact, I can already see Selphie lining up to be your first booking."

He couldn't help it, that was such an absurd idea that even he had to join in the laughter. Then again, under the right circumstances, he could totally see himself doing it.

"Rinoa Leonhart, you're hired as Rent-a-rok's marketing director. I even streamlined the name for you so it sounds like a class act now." Turning the final corner, he would have liked to say that he'd taken the most direct route, he should've been able to say that for security issues alone, but he couldn't.

He wanted these moments; even if he had to all but steal them. It was hard to say goodbye knowing that goodbyes changed everything. For now, he wanted to spend these last few minutes laughing with his daughter-in-law and being with the family that he believed was gone for good just a week ago.

Having fun, he continued to play along. "Think of it this way Rinoa, you've given Kiros, Ward, and I fallback careers. If this whole political thing takes a nosedive - we're good. Ward can fly the ol' girl up into space and then I can do my tour guide spiel. I'm sure that with the help of enough alcohol, even my pathetic abilities will become surprisingly believable. Kiros can be the on-board activity director. Poor guy will find himself throwing space-themed birthday parties or planning out-of-this-world family reunions… although we'll have to vote on bachelor parties because I'm pretty sure there's an expression along the lines of, 'what happens in space, stays in space'… or something like that, right?"

"Um, yeah… never heard of that one. Personally, now I'm a tad bit frightened to know _exactly _what was happening at the space station before it was destroyed. If you guys had a slogan like that, well some things are better left a mystery." Inside, there was a part of her who couldn't stop smiling; Laguna had called her Rinoa Leonhart like she'd been that person all along.

"Piet can be one wild and crazy guy. Trust me." Laguna ran his hand through his hair, trying not to think that with every word, they were getting closer to the inevitable conclusion – the end. "Anyways, tell Selphie not to get out her credit card yet, I don't think we'll starting Rent-a-Rok anytime soon, but the bird is all yours next time. You two have experience; I think I can talk them into letting you take guys take her out on a spin. I can play the 'I'm the President' card when I need to. Plus, then I can do that whole father thing and let my kids borrow the family vehicle, just remember the keys. Getting a locksmith in space is a killer."

She couldn't picturing the mental image of Laguna handing Squall the keys, lecturing him like a parent about the rules – things like reckless driving, insurance going up, and that the family vehicle wasn't meant to fool around in. She avoided eye contact with the aforementioned son, aware that he wasn't finding any of this amusing. It was good that he couldn't read minds, because then he'd really be upset with her right now. Not to mention that she was planning to completely break the last part of those rules she imagined, although 'messing around' would be a huge understatement. That was if he wasn't too tired or still in the mood after she spoke to him about tomorrow.

The atmosphere suddenly fell into an awkward silence. Squall had remained his usual quiet self, but Rinoa wished he would just say something. Still, she knew better than to push it, resigning herself to the fact that he'd probably already shut down for the evening, at least as far as his father was concerned. That's why it came as a shock when he spoke. It was said almost under his breath, but it was sincere.

"Thank you."

And inside, Squall had been grateful for the hospitality, but he was a little too tired and a little too unsure to expand on his words.

"Oh, yeah, guess I should've mentioned this – we haven't just been standing in a random hall, we're here." He pointed ahead to a smaller door with an empty name plate mounted to the side. Placing his hands in his pockets, Laguna nervously started shifting his weight back and forth.

"So, yeah, I'll be getting out of your hair soon enough…yep. And um, remember that although the section will be locked down… just secure the door from the inside, alright? Can't be too sure…. Plus, safety is Kiros' middle name and all. Okay not really… I actually think it's something like Francis or Francisco or something along those lines, but I prefer Safety. It fits so much better, so maybe he could legally change it… and I'm rambling."

Out of nowhere, Laguna found himself on the cusp of his most infamous habit 'triumphantly' returning. His right leg started rapidly shaking and it didn't matter how much he hoped they wouldn't notice - neither of them were blind…or deaf. The metal grating reverberated in time with his trembling leg. The newlyweds were one step away from the joys of experiencing a leg cramp firsthand. Because, yes, that's _exactly _what Laguna needed as nothing screamed 'emotional farewell' like hopping around on one leg like a drunken flamingo…. Which, ironically was his nickname during boot camp, but he'd rather not have the kids discover that random fact.

Pushing past the obvious physical impediment, the older man continued, shifting his weight on the other leg. "So, don't forget that we're meeting at 7:00 am. I'm honestly not sure who's all going to be aboard, but it'll be the skeleton crew. Kiros doesn't want to draw attention. Well, _any more _attention. Let's be real - flying in giant, tomato-red, metallic, dragon-shaped spaceship does pose some rather big stealthy disadvantages."

Nervously, he took his hands out of his pockets. He began rubbing them rapidly together and then just _stopped_ as if his hands had literally frozen in mid-movement. Then it all hit him. Laguna Loire had worn his wedding ring for around twenty-four years, but now he hadn't worn it for around twenty-four hours. And yet, standing there, everything about not wearing it felt completely… _right._

He missed it, but it was never missing as it was exactly where it was meant to be.

With that thought, he looked back to his children. He knew Squall would roll his eyes if he'd heard him say that, but he didn't stop to think about that. He didn't even pause to think about his shaking leg - the one that had stopped moving moments before. Smiling, Laguna realized that this wasn't goodbye, but rather the start of a new chapter in their lives, the pivotal moment where everything was destined to change.

"Well, guess that's about it. I'd better get back before Kiros thinks I'm lost and sends out a search party again. Hope you enjoy your stay at Hotel Ragnarok, continental breakfast will be served in the passenger area, but sadly the pool and hot tub are closed. Kiros and Ward won't let me build one yet… but just you wait until the Rent-a-Rok takes flight!"

And all the momentum that he'd gathered, all the confidence that he'd felt… it all crumbled like sand under his feet. He could say so many words, but he couldn't say the one he needed to – goodbye.

Humor was easy, but he didn't want to chance becoming overly-emotional over a silly little two syllable word. Laguna knew that as far as emotions went, last night had been all he needed; it was unexpected and perfect. Laguna had to remind himself that just because _he _felt as if he had over two decades of parenting to catch up on, Squall didn't need it. Squall didn't _want_ it. What they had now wasn't conventional, but it was a huge step forward.

Rinoa, on the other hand, had absolutely no problems in expressing feelings right now. She knew that the next few months would place a strain on all of them. More than that, all of them would be bound by the secrets they were forced to keep. The needed to count on each other, knowing each other would be there. In fact, they were never alone – she believed Laguna needed to be reminded of this the most.

"Thank you, Laguna, not just for this, but for everything." Rinoa stepped forward. Not once did she stop to think about her actions – whether they were awkward, appropriate, or even wanted. She wrapped her arms around him, speaking from her heart. "Laguna,_ you_ are loved. You know how much I love you – as you said, we've always been family. If you need me, call – I'll be here in a heartbeat."

Hugging him tighter, she knew everything he was doing to himself. She knew all the responsibilities he insisted on taking. She felt the weight of an entire country as he carried its burden on his shoulders. She sensed his immeasurable loss and pain. And through it all, Laguna never lost himself or his positive outlook on life – he was a role model they should all aspire to.

"And now that you're officially my father-in-law… _fair warning,_ I'm going to bother you sooo much more. Last night, I even download my copy of the 'how to be an annoying in-law' guide."

Laguna chuckled, "Wait, isn't that supposed to be the other way around? I mean, aren't I supposed to annoy you? I'm kinda new to all this in-law mumbo jumbo."

"Technically, I believe you _are_ correct. I know that this may be difficult to believe, but I could never find you that annoying. Nobody who has a heart as big as you could ever annoy me." She felt the tears beginning to well up in her eyes as she patted his shoulder. "I better stop myself before my husband does that for me."

Luckily, Laguna found humor in that. "Good idea. I'm sure he's with the majority where the words 'Laguna' and 'annoying' are synonymous. I sorta have to agree a little… you're being overly kind; then again, I could always use a person like you in my corner… A person, by the way, who could never be annoying."

"You're both annoying, does that help?" Squall's voice held a hint of humor, although outsiders wouldn't have been able to decipher it. "And can we wrap up the love-fest before we're discovered? With me standing here _alive_ and you two hugging like_ that_…it'll lead to questions. Awkward ones."

"He's right. I mean about hurrying up… not about the annoying thing," she sniffed, pulling back. Even before the first word was spoken, she knew this would end in tears. She was trying to wipe them away as she continued, but it was to no avail. "In all seriousness, the next few months are going to be a strain for Squall and I… But that's nothing, and I mean_ nothing,_ compared to what you're facing. I know Esthar needs you, but you need to remember a few things too. Remember, it was Adel who was sick - don't you dare blame yourself for her actions – ever. Now, I'm going to get all sentimentally-annoying on you now, so fair warning."

Reaching over, she took hold his arm before resting her head on his shoulder. She knew that her tears were most likely staining his shirt, but she didn't care in that moment. "Laguna, if you need to talk, no matter the day, no matter the hour, don't hesitate to pick up the phone. Even though Squall and I aren't here - we can be here in a heartbeat. You are our family so don't you ever, ever dare forget that you are loved."

"I love you too, Rin," he replied softly. Like Rinoa, he knew that no matter how resolute he wanted to be, his tears were already a given. "I wish I could repay you for all you've given me, not just for last night but for all those years. Nothing in this world will come close… The best I can give you in return is my word. If I need someone no matter when it is, I'll call. That's a promise." As her head rested on his shoulder, he leaned his down so it touched the top of hers. "Rin, I don't know if I should say this, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry about your friend. I don't know how you're managing."

"Because of your son," she replied simply.

Nodding, he pulled away. Oddly, it was mentioning Zone that reminded him that they needed their space too. "Goodbye."

With a wave of the hand, he nodded before turning to leave. Now he hoped that he could get out of here without making some clumsy exit that ended in a full-out face plant. He hadn't made it two steps when he felt a hand grab his arm, but it lasted only briefly. Turning back around, he fully expected to see someone else standing there. His heart soared, becoming overrun with emotion when he saw his son standing in front of him.

"Thank you." Squall paused. For him, it was still uncomfortable, but he wanted to do this, "Not just for this, for everything."

" Anytime."

Laguna knew that with Squall, saying less said more. A solemn smile past over his lips as he turned back to leave. The President knew that their goodbye, minus a few hiccups here and there, hadn't gone too badly. No, not badly at all. Walking away from his children, by blood and by marriage, his thoughts fixated on their future. Fate willing, it was truly their own and their life together was still unwritten. For a man who'd become particularly hesitant of change in his later years, he believed that change had been the best thing to ever happened to their future tonight.

Nobody saw has his small smile turned into a full blown grin.

"_He totally gets the annoying part from you,"_ he thought to himself, having an argument with Raine as he often did.

"_Hey, can't blame a guy for trying_, _right?"_ he sighed as he was being called out by a ghost. _"Fine, Raine, you win… But without a doubt, the stubborn thing is completely from you."_

Losing an argument to a memory wasn't something he'd openly admit, but it were these conversations that helped him get this far. It might've not been considered normal, but it was nice to have someone who gave him confidence, speaking with him anywhere or anytime.

…_Anytime._ He repeated the word; that had been his only reply to Squall.

The response was also an open invitation to return to Esthar 'at any time.' For once, he believed that their coming back wasn't a matter of_ if_, but rather a matter of _when_.

And whenever that was, he'd be ready.

* * *

If an outsider were to hear Squall's thought process, it would have been labeled as cold and callous… and that was using the upmost decorum. Being a military leader demanded being emotionally-detached when necessary; it was about survival – the sacrifice of the few for the needs of the many. The problem was, over the years, he knew that he hadn't perfected this ability, even if the rest of the world believed otherwise. He wasn't void of emotions; he'd just been forced into compartmentalizing them at an early age – it was about_ his_ survival. For over two decades, he'd done that for the most part.

…But there had been breaks in the façade, minuscule fissures that allowed some emotions to seep through. The most notable crack was the one that happened unexpectedly when he seventeen.

It was because of that ability – the cataloging and prioritizing emotions and needs - that when Laguna walked away, he couldn't dwell on it any further. Again, it would be callous to some, not stopping to wonder, or to worry, or to inwardly smile at the steps they'd made, but it was necessary. It wasn't that Squall didn't care but, in this particular case, the old adage rang the truest – out of sight, out of mind.

He reached his hand out to open the door, but stared at it for a second; it was an unlikely sense of déjà vu. Yes, everything had been replaced, but the Ragnarok's overall feel actually was more reminiscent of the Deep-Sea Research Center. It was an odd comparison as Esthar had claimed that facility and, of all logical things, was doing _research_ at the research center, but he was taken aback that some of the elements had been incorporated into the Ragnarok. Then again, the ocean and space were virtual unknowns and the extreme pressure in both places was astronomical; the landscapes had their similarities.

So thinking about it, there was solid logic in their reasoning.

Then it hit him. He'd spent more time concerned about a door's design than he did about his father breaking down and believing that goodbye wasn't just a word but the manifestation of all his fears. That was the very reason Squall didn't say that word, wouldn't say that word– he wouldn't give it power_. _

That's why, in context, Squall's actions were mind blowing. He didn't hate himself for not saying goodbye; he hated himself for not following through with the process – he was a damn hypocrite.

Now he had to push that all out of his mind as Rinoa fidgeted behind him. Just because she wasn't speaking, didn't mean she wasn't communicating. She was anxious, or tired, but whatever it was, it was making her to move around. The metal grating became very telling as the new flooring certainly wasn't installed for its stealth capabilities. With this, sneaking past some of the Propagators would've been an entirely different challenge.

He opened the door, but remained firmly planted in his spot. With a quick visual scan of the room, he determined that it was actually a tad smaller than his old SeeD room, although it was meant to be in space, so this definitely had a one-up as far as the view went. The bed was a typical captain's bed, recessed so the edge was flush with the wall and had traditional storage compartments underneath. From here, it looked like it was a twin size, maybe a little smaller. Either way, it still held more appeal than the cold van floor even if they were going to be a bit of a tight fit.

As he looked around, he remained firmly rooted his spot - much to Rinoa's chagrin. She went back to her conversation with Laguna and officially decided that _he_ was the annoying one. Unfortunately, anointing her husband with the (not-so) much-coveted title didn't make a lick of difference. He still didn't move, stubborn as a damn Chocobo.

Squall still held his ground; he was caught up in the room - regardless of the dimensions, this… it was perfect. He'd left a part of himself on this ship years ago, afraid that when he came to that crossroad, he'd take the wrong path and get lost. And maybe he did, but maybe it was also time to let this part of his past go.

For him, it wasn't at the graduation ball, it was right here. _This _is where it all started..

Of course, Rinoa was clueless to any of this – where it started, reaching a crossroads, and becoming lost. Honestly, her train of thought was more along the lines of concern. Maybe he'd suddenly forgotten how to place one foot in front of the other without falling flat on his face… then again, if he was flat, she could have at least stepped over him. Okay, she wasn't _that_ concerned – it had been a very long day, tomorrow was going to be even longer and her stubborn, Chocobo-like husband still wasn't budging.

She was over this. Standing behind him, she crossed her arms and knitted her brows. Her foot tapped against the floor and now she was forced to try to tune out the annoying echo. Her impatience should've been extremely obvious, at least to her and the rest of Esthar, but it only made it apparent that her husband had graduated from being a stubborn Chocobo to being as clueless as a drunken Ochu.

…Definitely not a step in the right direction.

Inching forward, she poked him three times on the shoulder blade. "You know, unlike Selphie's attempt at setting the two of us up at FH, you're _not that transparent_. Just throwing that info out there… transparent – as in able to _see through_. So, do with that analogy as you wish, but to make it easier for you, I'll give you a hint - it's a _hint_."

He did an about-face so quickly that her body instinctively flinched. She thought that he'd reverted back into commander mode. He'd possibly mistaken her for a rebellious cadet but, in reality, she was actually a rebellious wife. However, she'd made it her mission to make sure he wouldn't forget that, even he'd figured that out, which was fine because he could hold his own.

"Impatient, are we?" He raised an accusing eyebrow.

"I'd at least like to attempt getting some sleep. Physically, being able to reach the bed is often considered helpful in that department. And before I forget, here's some unsolicited career advice for you - you don't make a good door or a good window, Leonhart."

"In? You want… _in_?" He looked as if he was confused by her request. "Here's a hint: how about asking?"

"Um, what?" Rinoa blinked a few times. Yes, she was tired, but she was currently living under the impression that she was awake. Stranger things had happened in life, especially in the last hour.

"Quit making things so damn complicated, _Leonhart_."

Jokingly, he referenced her earlier use of the surname as it was something they often did in the past. Honestly, besides the occasional 'Rin,' they weren't the type of couple who resorted to nicknames. Both considered calling each other either Leonhart or Heartilly their version of being playful. Of course, now that the name was shared, its impact had been greatly diminished.

She understood exactly what he'd meant. "Fine, you forced my hand. Remember, you made me say this… _Seifer's Bestie-and-BFF-forever – _can I please get into the room?" She faked coughed into her hand. "God, I feel sick. That physically hurt to say."

"That's it, you're in trouble now." Before she could offer a further rebuttal, he'd bent down and placed one arm around her upper body, while the other reached for her legs. In one fell swoop, he'd pulled her into a rather unexpected, romantic gesture. She let out a surprised yelp as her arms instinctively went around his neck. She purposely tried to maneuver herself so that she didn't make direct contact with his wound, although he certainly didn't seem to mind. Honestly, he'd never admit to pain even if it had been bothering him this entire time. Rinoa was fairly positive about one thing - Squall wasn't going to be Dr. Kadowaki's bestie at his follow-up examination.

"There's something important that I need you to know… and the words come from the bottom of my heart," he spoke firmly, his face exuding the seriousness that his tone implied. "Rinoa, in the abbreviation _BFF,_ the second 'F' means forever. So, actually saying BFF _forever _is a redundant statement. And now, I feel a little ill myself…. but I love you enough for you to know this."

"I stand corrected," she laughed.

He sighed, but with smile. "… Wrong again. You're not standing."

"Fine," she huffed, "I'm carried corrected. Great. That doesn't even make sense… none of this does, actually. Wait… I shouldn't say that, because there's one thing makes sense through all the ups and downs. Thank you for helping me laugh. It means a lot."

"I know." He shrugged. It wasn't meant to be condescending, but there wasn't a single doubt in his mind that she was thankful; just as he was thankful that he could be the one here for her – an honor he wore with pride. Well, him, Laguna and Zell, they all meant something to her during this and he didn't want do diminish the roles of the other two in the least. They meant something to him too.

"By the way, just say you want in next time. Was that transparent enough?" he added sarcastically. Honestly, he hadn't been worried. Kiros mentioned that the mechanics didn't have business there and by now they'd secured the area after Laguna left. Still, it was better to err on the side of caution.

"Squall, I want in."

"Affirmative." His simple response corresponded with a firm nod and again, she noticed that he was radiating a rather intense commanderly vibe. To tell the truth, she believed that if his arms hadn't been otherwise occupied, his head nod would've been a full-blown salute. She really hoped that this was all in jest and not some weird SeeD version of caffeine withdrawal.

That problem would be dealt with at another time; their problem-level had already reached full capacity for the next twenty-four hours, next twenty-four years… _whichever._

Taking his first step, Squall discovered that his grand, romantic gesture wasn't backed up by logistics. Thankfully, the problem didn't require an engineer or him going upstairs to grab the nearest Estharian rocket scientist. The solution was relatively simple, requiring only a minor adjustment. Slightly twisting, he tried his grand, romantic gesture again, but this time at a sideways angle; however, it had been downgraded to just a plain-old romantic gesture for having to put this much thought into it.

_Clunk_. The sound of her head hitting against the metal echoed worse than it actually was.

"Ouch," she laughed, reaching up to rub her forehead.

Honestly, if either of them would've stopped to think about the likelihood of success - _this_ would've been the inevitable outcome. It was as clichéd as any attempt could get; now, it was officially stripped of 'grand' and 'romantic' and it was merely a _gesture_ now. However, since she wasn't hurt, Rinoa easily admitted that this had been humorous; maybe the withdrawal from his super-SeeD powers was quicker than expected.

Looking down, he made sure she was really all right. "Maybe I should say that was retaliation for the _Seifer's bestie_ comment but we both know it was an accident…or karma. Really. Either way, I'm sorry."

His sobering tone hadn't helped, but the minor throbbing had stopped. "Uh-huh, sure. Karma…good one. Be nice, I'm sure it's not too late to get this marriage-thingy annulled. Plus, word on the dating circuit is that Odine's back in the game. You know, a girl needs more than a guy with looks – we also look for men who understand the complex workings of how a door works… fashion sense is a plus too. And you know Odine's a fashion god, bet he could get me through the door."

"What the hell does that even mean?" He stopped to think about the possibilities of her sentence and then immediately regretted that decision. If that was some sort of sexual innuendo, he really was better off being left in the dark.

"_Never mind_. Some mysteries aren't meant to be solved." He deadpanned as they'd finally made it to the center of the room. Knitting his brow, he started to give her the visual once-over for his own piece of mind. "Rinoa, exactly _how hard_ did your head hit against that door and do you want medical attention? I'm starting to believe you need it." As an afterthought he added, "Not Dr. Odine."

"Jealous?" she playfully teased, but he brushed it off.

Instead, he continued walking over to the bed and, unfortunately, his attempt at setting her down went a little awry. Because the bed was lower than a standard mattress, she came out of his arms a little harder than expected. Again, it was certainly nothing that would hurt her - his pride maybe - but not her. She'd basically rolled so that she landed on her stomach, burying her face into the pillow to mask her laughter. It was a matter of pride, and his was left just outside the door. It took her a moment to regain her composure, but she finally pushed around, laying on her back.

"You're _really_ out of practice."

"Deal with it." Reaching down, he planted a chaste kiss on her forehead. "If you want Odine, I'm not going to stand in your way."

She smiled, dismissing it with her hand. "Nah, I'm good. Sounds like too much paperwork."

"Hmm," he replied, deliberately pressing his lips together, but she saw through the ruse, still able to make out the thin outline of smile. After continuing to stare at her, he shook his head before turning around to take care of the door.

Thankfully, the floor here was made of solid tile. He didn't think he could take listening to the sounds of the grating each time one of them took a step - not that either of them planned on pacing around tonight. After sliding the lock back over, he turned around and purposely took a moment for himself. Maybe Squall was being led by invisible riptides; it turned out that Laguna's emotions had a way of manifesting in other ways. There was so much he didn't want to think about – so much he should think about – but finality loomed on the horizon.

Tomorrow everything changed. For good or bad, the rest of his life began tomorrow.

Squall had this need to draw from this experience; to appreciate all the things in life that were easy to overlook. Right now, that translated into looking around the room. It was the chance to stop and smell the roses, which currently equated to stopping and looking at the wires on the ceiling. He had no idea where they went or what their purpose was, he just saw all the colors of the rainbow encased in clear tubes. They all served a purpose; they were all important working together cohesively. That was it. He had to stop himself, realizing that he was channeling Laguna right now. He wasn't thrilled, but the reality wasn't quite as scary as it was a month ago; if anything… he kind of liked not knowing what his next thought would be.

Yet again, overanalyzing that wouldn't be a good thing.

Taking a step towards a second smaller door, he had to admit that he really did like this ship. Why he believed that admitting things like that others would make him weak he'd never know. In hindsight, it didn't make sense; it didn't make him weak, it made him human. He pushed opened the adjacent door to see a small bathroom. It had a toilet, sink, and a small shower. Still, given that this was meant for outer space, a private shower while flying among the stars sounded like the ultimate luxury. Of course, having a _semi_-private shower sounded even better. Suddenly, he felt the oddest need to be specific - a shower with Rinoa sounded better. For some reason, the random need to restate the obvious made him inwardly groan – again, it was part of his parentage seeping through.

This trip wasn't about leaving the planet's atmosphere, but it didn't lessen his gratitude. He was glad to be aboard no matter where the spacecraft was headed. On the other side of the room, there was a large counter that ran nearly the entire length of the room. The only part where it was absent was in front of the large picture window. That had something better; it was a cushioned seat directly in the front of the glass. It was large enough to stretch out and it even had a few coordinating throw pillows. He refused to dwell on the fact that he'd actually noticed the matching throw pillows.

Looking beyond the cushions, towards the farthest wall, there was a large bag with a stylized Moomba design; it was a company logo that he'd seen before. He thought they made some sort of molded plastic products, but he guessed that Laguna just loved the Moomba design. It had his father written all over it. Thankfully, that wasn't a literal statement. Still, Squall knew it had to be a sack full of whatever provisions they were able to throw together so quickly. Again, the hospitality had Laguna's paw prints stamped all over it.

He had to admit this was really was a nice gesture. It all was. "They've really sunk a lot of capital into the renovations. At the core, it's the still the same ship, but it all seems so different."

"Different, but the same?" she asked, still lying on the bed. Rolling onto her side, she propped herself up on her elbow so she could look at him.

"Mmm."

The sound was meant as a form of agreement, but one had to speak the secret language in order to decipher its clues. It was also those clues that led her to the truth – he liked it here. There was a curiosity about him that was almost childlike. He was fascinated, wanting to soak in all of the ship's details; she soaked in details too, completely enamored in watching him – but that wasn't to say that she didn't share his interest in ship. In space, it was difficult for either of them to fully take in its pure grandeur. Honestly, when you believed that something was destined to be your tomb, it was very easy to overlook its splendor – at least that's how she thought of the Ragnarok five years ago. It seemed that every minute they found themselves faced with a new challenge back then - from running out of oxygen, to imploding, to exploding, or crashing, or being attacked by Propagators. Also, neither discounted the anxiety of just being alone together. Still, their first experience on the Ragnarok was a little more trying than the average date – years later they'd both jokingly gone to referring to it as their first date; the worst one ever, but it was also a way of coping.

To Squall being bombarded by unwanted emotions was just as scary as any ten foot dragon-insect-hybrid from outer space. Of course, Rinoa had her whole sorceress thing going on…it was still always there, even today, but she had to learn to joke about that to stop herself from going insane.

Squall took advantage of the window's cushioned area as he sat down. This was the first time he'd seen the new Esthar Air Station. They'd missed all this coming in from the freight entrance in the lower cargo bays.

"Tinted windows," he said out loud, tapping on the glass, "You forget how big the Ragnarok is until you see just how high up we are."

He was surprised when she joined him on the cushions. He hadn't even heard her get out of bed, although the fact that the floor was more conducive to sneaking helped – not that 'sneaking' had been her intent.

She rested against the window, looking down at the loading areas. "Even while docked, the view is still amazing… It's also way less space-y than last time."

"I've had my fill of space."

"_Yeah_…" she softly replied.

Both knew that his response was most likely a surface answer; he wasn't being honest with himself but, in this rare case, he didn't exactly know what honesty was. Just thinking about it, just picturing being up there again… there was a solitary beauty, just as breathtaking as it was deadly. Rinoa didn't push him and he was thankful for that; if anyone could understand the mixed bag of emotions, it would have been her.

Then he saw the reflection of the bathroom door in the window. It was probably one of the strangest connections he'd ever made, but in that second, he knew that the truth was buried there all along.

"I'd go back."

He'd made peace with one part of his life, but other parts remained unresolved. He continued watching a few workers waving someone over before a familiar friend came into view– Laguna.

"Rinoa, for years I didn't want to come back to Esthar because it was easy to associate my mistakes with this country. The group we were going after, not to give too much a way, was considered a terrorist threat to the government. I managed to associate their behavior with Laguna rather than my own. Where it took place – it shouldn't have mattered but _I_ made it matter. And I can't escape space just like we can't escape looking up at the stars and honestly… I don't think either of us would want to. What happened in space, what could've happened… it doesn't make a difference where it was, just like Esthar. We can't stand here and say that the Ragnarok means something to us, but space doesn't."

"I'd go back too."

He let out a deep breath, knowing the difference between them. "Yes, but you would've gone back two years ago while I would've made an excuse to avoid it. Space, Esthar…it didn't matter. Call it whatever you want but it's still fucking hiding."

"You're not hiding anymore." Okay, technically he _was _hiding, but that wasn't what they were talking about.

"It's our hurdle to cross. If it's in my power, we'll find a way to get back."

She nodded in agreement, but then everything changed.

Rinoa knew that it was already past midnight and tomorrow was no longer an abstract concept that she could fool herself into believing it was. Laughing and smiling was coping, but she couldn't merely 'cope' to make it through the present - she had to come to terms with it.

It had been his words - _hurdle to cross_. He might as well have said burden to bear… or battle to fight… it was all the same. He meant that the only way to take charge of your future was to accept your past. The problem was that her past that it wasn't something behind her; it was something about to happen in a few short hours.

He noticed.

He noticed her behavior from the moment she stood; it wasn't with her carefree grace, it was ridged and robotic. The softness in her eyes had found a way to hardened as she looked beyond the Air Station. Following her line, he knew what she was staring at – just like he knew exactly where her heart and mind lay.

She might've been in Esthar, but her mind was _in_ Timber.

She wasn't just in Timber, she was with her friend. _Friend_. It was impossible to stop using that term after a decade; one that's worth was greater than the span of ten years. Still, she didn't know what Zone was to her now, but she knew what he had been – although those memories had already started to blur, his past tainted by what she knew in the present.

She wished that friendships – or relationships in general – could be turned off and on like a faucet. Hell, that would've saved her countless sleepless nights in the past and even the emotional battle currently waging within herself. Her mind had no doubt about what he'd done, the unspeakable pain he'd caused, but her heart… it was the last hold out in the war. It still wanted to refer to him as a friend – just one who was ill and needed saving.

She'd felt this was before… and the whole of the situation became eerily similar in parts. She loved Squall, but it didn't mean that should favor him – both men where human and both occupied a place in her heart. Years ago, Rinoa was willing to do anything to save Squall and now Zone needed saving from the same enemy - _himself._

But her mind saw it differently, refusing to acknowledge any parallels and quickly disregarded her heart's attempt at misguided sympathy. Squall had a breakdown and during that, the worst-case scenario took place. His was a moment that went beyond confusion; he went to a place where he lost himself – and even now found himself destined to watch every step he took in order to stay on the path. And Zone… his breakdown or illness – she couldn't define what it was yet when faced with so many unknowns – but whatever it was, nothing like Squall's. It was cold and calculated. He'd set up someone else to take the fall – and even if the other person was a monster, it didn't lessen Zone's guilt. He'd even made Rinoa into part of his alibi in the death of her former knight.

There were no words.

And that's why she hated herself for this but, her heart was always stronger than her mind. This was no different. She owed Zone something – maybe it was just the chance to live; the chance to look her in the eyes and explain the unexplainable. Most of all, she owed it Timber as this needed to be done without spilling blood. They had all suffered enough and losing Zone was going to hurt morale because he was one of them, even his father gave his dying breath for Timber.

That was why she needed to confront Squall now, to beg or plead if necessary. She didn't care who she had to speak with, be it her husband, Lauren, the headmaster, or anyone who would listen if she spoke loud enough. She was the best hope and she owed it to Timber – and yes, she owed it to Watts, herself…and even Zone.

Whatever reasons he had, they were his own, but he never believed in hurting others. He wouldn't want _her _to be hurt. Her heart may have been uncertain about so many of the newly-discovered facts, but she was resolute about this. _She_ could talk to him tomorrow. _She_ could get him to turn himself in. She could diffuse so many volatile variables in a flammable situation.

SeeD had asked things of her over the years and she never denied them. She left Garden when Cid thought it would be best. She didn't want to, but she did. To a lesser extent, they needed her help to find Sirtis… or maybe to do so in a timelier manner. She gave SeeD her help and now she needed theirs. She damn well deserved it. She had to be the one to talk to Zone. She needed to be there – he'd surrender to her. Most of all, she needed to find the courage to confront Squall about this right now. She wondered what would have been the best approach – was there any protocol for things like these? How do you ask your husband to let you be the one to confront his murderer about turning himself in?

However one does it, she hoped the answer would come to her right now.

 


	34. Haven and A Matter of Honor

 

* * *

_ **_**Chapter Eighty-Seven: Haven**_  
** _

* * *

He knew what it was like to be lost inside your own mind amid the desperation and loneliness. Even if her retreat was only temporary, he'd help her escape.

As she looked out the Ragnarok's window, she saw so much more than the dry-dock - she saw the world. It was life outside the bubble they'd both been guilty of creating. To a point, he was used to this, used to living a dual life while on a mission - it was something she couldn't just 'get used to.' His death, their isolation… it had been both good and bad, but it was finite, with limited interactions and that would all end.

Squall understood that separating the aspects of his personal life from the confines of the mission was difficult. It was an ability that only he'd had experience with – to her it was as foreign as Esthar's soil. And as she stared at the city's distinctive skyline, the buildings and lights had somehow manifested into a physical representation of her world's colliding.

That's why he hadn't said anything at first, allowing her to process and say what was on her mind. But the longer she looked out _there_ – into the glass and night - the further she withdrew from him.

He knew more than anyone that the further you withdrew, the greater force there was to your rebound. He knew that intensity – the power often too overwhelming. He'd had a lifetime of experience in wading through confusion and he wouldn't let her lose herself, even for a night.

Reaching out, he softly placed a hand on her shoulder. Her muscles had been so tense beneath his fingers that, on instinct, he moved behind her and began to massage the tension from her body. It pained him to see her this way - he wanted her to let go, let him into her thoughts… but the irony of being shut out wasn't lost on him.

Also, there something important earlier that didn't go unnoticed - for someone he heralded for having innate stubbornness, she'd been _too _agreeable during the briefing between Lauren and the others. When it had to do with Rinoa, things were rarely _that _simple.

His thumbs found pressure points on either side of her upper spine as he pleadingly-whispered for her to let go. "Don't. You're not alone."

"Hmmm?"

He wanted to laugh; she was as transparent as he was.

Firmly massaging between her neck and shoulders, he leaned forward, speaking softly into her ear. "Rinoa, even though time's past, I'd still like to think I know you. I know something is on your mind. I could always tell when something was troubling you, just like it is now."

Her body stiffed beneath his touch. He knew. His words had struck a nerve. He couldn't change the past, nor would he ask for forgiveness. He wasn't always proud of who he was, but it was simply who_ he was._ For the sake of the future, both moved beyond apologizing for a past that couldn't be changed.

He swallowed, hoping that she'd understand. It still wasn't easy to open up, to admit his limitations and fears. To anyone else, they'd be simple words but, to a man like Squall, it was the equivalent of stripping down, revealing an emotional nakedness, exposing a mental weakness. Closing his eyes, his arms wrapped around her as he pressed their bodies together. Before he could stop himself, he found himself whispering in her ear.

"…I have many regrets."

Compared to everything else, this shouldn't have come as a shock to her. She'd already been mentally impaled with a thousand Cactuar needles - what harm could a thousand and one do? Yes, it hurt to know that, years ago, _he knew_ when something was bothering her and played – for lack of better word – dumb. But after the first hundred or so needles, one's perspective changes and, to be fair, she was upset _a lot _back then. Sometimes the reasons were small, sometimes imagined or misunderstood, and yes, some even valid. He had enough on his plate, how could he differentiate between everything?

So yes, after the first thousand needles, you can take a confession like this as either good or bad – to either think your boyfriend couldn't have been bothered, or to take the confession at its lowest common denominator.

Stepping away, she turned to confront him face-to-face. His eyes betrayed the confusion as he took a step back, not sure what kind of reaction to expect. She reached for his hand and as he was momentarily distracted - looking to where their fingers intertwined - she caught him off guard, pulling him into a kiss. He was hesitant, still unsure, even as he found that he matched her intensity. Her action had been calculated, yet forceful, and just when he found that he was finally letting himself go to her, she pulled away – the action just as deliberate.

Looking down at her, his brow furrowed and if honesty was truly the best policy, now would be the time to put that to the test. "Rinoa, I don't understand."

"Let's just say that's for being a combination of a gentleman and a jerk. Figure that one out." She forced a laugh knowing that he'd even be more lost after the statement. She licked her lips before the inevitable smile came; somehow, he'd ironically made it easy to talk to him. Even though he was someone who rarely opened up, she always wanted to do nothing more than open up her heart to him – to say so much so he knew her in every way. In the past, she'd hold back, but not anymore; his simple confession reminded her of this.

She stepped in, leaning against his chest as he moved his free arm loosely around her waist. "Squall, it's just back then I thought you were too… um… clueless to know when I was upset. No offence."

"_Slight_ offence," he corrected with the deadpan humor she'd witnessed only a handful of times before their reunion. Placing a few kisses on the top of her head, he felt the need to follow up, "but it was _probably _deserved, so I won't complain too much."

"_Probably_?" she repeated playfully, snaking her arm around his back.

"_Maybe_ then?"

"Yes, _almost certainly_," she laughed, almost forgetting her point all together. "You're just being difficult."

"No, I'm being _clueless, _remember?" He actually let out a small laugh, making her smile. God she loved being with him. She loved _him_. But in a few hours, he wouldn't be just hers, he'd be the world's. It was selfish, but damn it, she wanted to be selfish once in her life. Still, she needed to tell him about wanting to confront Zone on her terms – she just hoped that he'd still be in such good spirits after that bombshell.

The first thing she had to do was step away from him as being this close was often… distracting. It became even more so when they were alone and could be left to their own devices. She'd grabbed both of his hands, looking him in the eyes.

Her mouth felt dry again, finding herself nervously licking her lips before talking. "In all seriousness, I'm not mad that you knew when something was bothering me. The memory of the teenager within me is _probably..._ um, _maybe_…fine -_ is_ \- a tad bit upset that you were well, for better term, ignoring 'her.' But that's all right because the person who married you – she's the one that's glad you weren't emotionally naive. What you just said meant you _knew me_ \- I wasn't just some stranger. Squall, this isn't about the teenager being upset for what didn't happen in our past, it's about the adult believing the best for our future."

"You were never a stranger, Rinoa. Don't ask me how that's possible, but it is." Gingerly, he moved one hand up, his fingers lingering against her cheek. "Rinoa, I think it's not that I couldn't read people back then - to be blunt, I didn't care to. Somehow, you shot that philosophy to hell. Still, I could always read you… Actually, it was more like _this feeling_. It was a blessing and a curse. I found that knowing and understanding another human being was terrifying as hell, especially when I couldn't understand myself."

"You're still terrified," she whispered truthfully, leaning into the palm of his hand.

"_As hell_… but I've come to know myself better. Part of accepting that was knowing I don't want to do this without you. I would. I could. I simply don't want to, _but…"_ he drawled out the last word, removing his hand and looking her directly in the eyes. "…but part of the problem is, I still know when something is bothering you. And you're going have to accept that if it's bothering you, it's bothering me. Don't keep it inside – that's a dangerous thing."

"I was going to tell you." She knew that sounded a little too well-timed but it was the truth. "Actually, this probably won't make sense, and don't expect it to, but hearing what you said… It was what I needed. Well, that or the back rub, because that was good too."

He offered a brief, but reassuring smile as he reached for her hand. She was slightly confused, but he led her to the bed. He made a gesture for to sit, which she did willingly. It actually was nice, namely because she hadn't realized how tired she was until she'd sat down. He then gently ushered her so she turned and, to her surprise, he continued the massage. Not that she was complaining, but there was a really awkward distribution of thoughts between what she had to do and what she wanted to do.

"Rinoa, you are far too stubborn for your own good. And downstairs you were way too willing to sit quietly without objections. So, now that we've just finished one of our legendary rounds of speaking in circles… we've _probably_, _maybe_ returned to the starting line. My original point stands – _don't._ You're not alone."

He couldn't see her, but her mouth fell slightly agape from the momentary shock. He was good and scarily intuitive, although maybe in this case, she was the open book. He was wrong about one thing, they hadn't talked in complete circles, more like a large oval – she understood him better along with his advice. He knew something was wrong and was telling her to open up, that he was there.

"…Tomorrow, I want to be there."

"I figured." He exhaled deeply, but kept kneading the muscles in her back. No, he wasn't thrilled, far from it, but he also knew that she wasn't the type to quietly remain on the sidelines.

She felt her heart race, realizing her mistake. He was way too calm. That's why she should've been more selective in her word choice. She hadn't noticed that one of her hands had reached down, nervously pulling on the sheets.

"Squall, wait, I knew I'd end up screwing this up… I'm saying I don't want to _just be_ _there_, but I want to be the _only one_ there… the one that talks to him."

In all honesty, this was his worst-case-scenario. He couldn't retract his hands fast enough, running one through his hair to try to curb his anger. This was the point that he'd blow up if one of his subordinates came to him with such an asinine request. He'd offer them a word or two, neither of them polite nor friendly or even suitable to be repeated in outside company. The next few minutes weren't going to go well but, he was adamant, and there was no fucking way in hell.

"Damn it, Rinoa. Out of question."

So much for her worrying about the correct wording. Still, she wasn't about to roll over, offer a salute, or kiss his ass like any cadet. Thankfully, unlike any other cadet, he'd actually listen to her, once he got over the initial shock. She could be disappointed his reaction, but not angry with his decision. That had been an honest response and it wasn't about pulling rank, it was genuine concern.

No, more than that - it was a response born out of fear and love.

Shifting to face him, she knew that the most important thing was to present a valid, well-reasoned case.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to quell her growing anxiety. Their eyes met and, after being paralyzed by the initial pang of fear, she did her best to convey the confidence she had. This wasn't some emotionally-driven idea done on a whim – this wasn't her past - this plan_ would_ work.

"First, I understand that on the surface it seems like a bad idea. So yes, I'm willing to concede to that this could, in fact, very easily be a bad idea. I'm not asking for you to agree right now; I'm just asking that you give me the fair chance to explain and counter the _possible bad_ with the _possible good_."

Damn it, she had him. He actually longed for the day where her counter-arguments consisted of 'you're a meanie,' but here she was being so damn annoyingly-logical. In this particular case, he was torn. He didn't like the idea of having her anywhere around Zone. Hell, he'd prefer she stayed in the Ragnarok, but that argument wouldn't fly, unless he wanted to spend his second night (and possibly beyond) of marriage in the dog house. Still, as conflicted as he was, there was a part of him that was secretly impressed. No matter how fleeting, he saw a glimpse of his wife's true persona – who she was beyond their bubble. It was how she handled herself in diplomatic situations.

Whether he liked it or not, he begrudgingly agreed to listen to her points. "Fair enough."

"First, it isn't just Zone's safety or even mine. The people around him are my friends and colleagues. If you're seriously thinking about confronting him at work, then there needs to be some degree of trust and having random SeeDs storming in isn't going to build that. I know that SeeD isn't going to go in, guns-a-blazing because there is still protocol involved. I know that building, I know those people, and worst case scenario, I know they'll listen to me. And, if it works out that you apprehend him on the street or at his apartment – somebody_ is_ going to be in the line of fire and, yes, that includes Zone. Squall, not everything requires special ops, special SeeDs, or whatever - sometimes it just takes a special friend." She bit her lip before letting out an awkward laugh, "Yeah, okay… that sounded wrong. You know what I meant, special friend as in best friend – not 'special' friend as in like boyfriend or you know… just a boy friend-friend."

"I get it." He wasn't about to nitpick wording, especially when the context was obvious, although watching her concern about his possible concern was rather endearing. Although he'd found a newfound respect for the more eloquent-sounding Rinoa, he'd always have a soft spot for the one he'd first fallen in love with. 'She' was the one that had no idea her cheeks blushed when she became flustered, nervously stumbling over her own words.

Her voice cracked, softening ever-so-slightly as she made one final plea. "Squall, I promise, _promise_, that sometimes simple _is _better and this is one of those times."

He pressed his fingers to either side of his temples. His actions had become deliberate, bordering on painful, as his fingers traced through unruly hair. Following the natural curvature of his head, his hands forcefully clasped back together before resting at the base of his neck.

"Not my call." It was blunt, but accurate and true for more than one reason. "I do appreciate your insights, but you're really not giving a reason. And while those in charge will agree that this isn't a battlefield, they won't agree that it isn't a battle. To SeeD strategy itself is considered a battle – something that can either be won or lost. Either way, informed decision or not, none of this is my call to make."

She sighed, looking away.

"Don't," he responded with an outwardly-abrasive overtone. "Rinoa, I know you're going to interrupt that as some sort of insult… please don't. It wasn't meant against you, because I do understand what you're getting at. The fact is, as of now, anything that either of us actually believes boils down to our opinions. I know that Zone is your friend, but there are aspects that I'm more familiar with. Until I see floor plans, then map and assess the situation, you're asking me to go in blind. I can't."

"No Squall… I'm asking you trust me."

That stung. "That's not fair and you know it."

"Whatever." She blinked a few times. He knew that she was trying her best not to cry. He felt bad, but feeling bad and doing the right thing were two separate entities.

"Rin, we don't know how he's going to react… I've never believed in living under the umbrella of assuming, but this is different – this is about erring on the side of caution. We have to believe that Zone could be a walking time bomb. And taking his level of emotional attachment into account, the surprise of seeing you could be the spark that ignites the bomb. It's going to raise questions and uncertainty, and that's what we can't have. The fact that you stroll into work, without any communication to your best friend, it's going to raise a huge red flag in his mind. Right now, Zone believes that you're still in Esthar… and, if I'm not mistaken, the main reason you gave was to spend time with Laguna. Then the day after Sirtis is captured you up and leave? Honestly, that's when you'd both need the most support. Seeing you is going to scare him and it's that initial emotional reaction that scares the hell out of me."

"Correction commander, I still am in Esthar."

"Rinoa, stop with the semantics. You know what I mean." He was scared; if only he could admit how much.

"Do I?" She turned back, she wasn't crying, she wasn't angry - her inner willpower was the glue holding herself together. "Maybe I wouldn't detonate a bomb, maybe I'd diffuse it." She paused, choosing her words carefully. Truth be told, Zone_ was_ the wildcard in this situation. "I'll concede that Zone's… _misguided_, but he isn't going to hurt people. He isn't going to hurt _me_."

"Misguided, are you fucking kidding me?"

So much for picking her words, but the whole subject was a loaded minefield. She could tell he was trying to suppress his anger. They were both tired – physically and mentally - and neither wanted to fight. Honestly, it was a rather awkward day to start your first full day of marriage - discussions about confronting your husband's would-be killer tended to be a mood killer no matter how it was worded.

Squall needed… hell, he needed a lot of things, but his most immediate need was to end this conversation before it took an ugly turn. Fighting with her still wouldn't give her an answer, or at least one that she wanted. He stood up, removing his shirt; at the very least they could both get some much-needed sleep. There also was a secondary reason - he needed to remind her of just how real this was, how real it could've been.

Standing in front of her, he reached for her hand, placing it directly on his stitches. She honestly didn't know where to look, too ashamed to meet his eyes. This time when he spoke, he remained unfazed and his tone bordered on seductively-soft.

"Rinoa, _this_ isn't the result of someone who was simply misguided. _This_ was intentional. It was skillfully planned out, which includes the fact he almost successfully pinned it on someone else but, worse than _all that_, he endangered not only me, not only Zell, but everyone else in the area. It may be hard to hear and impossible to understand, but this wasn't a battlefield. There were kids, families, and other innocent people around me. If Zone's already shown that he's not above putting the welfare of others at risk, how can you look at me, this wound, and then tell me you can guarantee that he won't hurt anyone else?"

Still holding her hand, he pressed it down just enough that the direct pressure made him wince.

That's all it took. She snatched her hand away, whatever point he was attempting to make, he didn't have to play that dirty. She'd seen the wound before. No, she hadn't felt it with her hand directly, but still she'd made contact with it. He'd only had it not bandaged for the last few days. She wished he would cover it, but she hadn't broached the subject. Part of that she figured was he'd run out of supplies and didn't ask, although he was still caring for it and making sure it was cleaned. She hated it. It was always going to serve as a reminder for so many things – the most important being how close he'd been to truly being lost.

Why did he have to play so dirty?

The room suddenly felt as if it was closing in. Standing up, she couldn't even begin to compose a response, which also made her angry. She was suddenly transported back into that feeling of helplessness from five years ago, when all she could do was silently and desperately want her voice to be heard. But to be heard, you had to speak – she couldn't. She looked at him, shaking her head before finally having to brush past him to get to the bathroom.

Squall found himself sharing the same mindset. So much for their night on the Ragnarok, it seemed like this was destined to mirror their first time aboard, complete with the regifted bag of mixed emotions. Worse than before, he felt trapped. He didn't even have the luxury of walking around the ship or kicking a Propagator's ass. He found pacing futile as it only took three strides from one end to the other. He began to feel as if he was actually just spinning in circles - or was it brooding in circles? Whatever. He needed a distraction.

The commander was not a curious person by nature, although he'd gladly classified himself as extremely observant – two separate entities. It often boiled down to the difference between necessity versus genuine interest. For example, he'd already noticed a larger bag on the built-in countertop. Normally, he'd let it go after assessing that it wasn't a security threat, whereas some people (possibly led by their ringleader, Selphie) would feel the innate need to snoop. Yet, in the midst of needing a distraction, he realized that it piqued his interest more than normal. He had no idea if the larger bag was meant for them or for the ship's crew, but there was a rather noticeable note stapled to the drawstring.

…Curiosity, cats, old adages, and all that. He grumbled those seemingly random and nonsensical thoughts trying to justify the situation to himself. Screw it. Squall used to pride himself on wanting to possess the strength of a lion, but the reality was that they were just large cats. For once, he decided to make his life easier and embrace the cliché and the distraction.

"_Thought you two might like these! Compliments of the hotel management."_

It was simply signed with the letter "L" followed with not one, but two smiley faces. Yeah, that's what he needed. He could only guess that those smiling faces were supposed to represent him and Rinoa. Showed how little Laguna knew him. He also decided dwelling on the fact that his father shared the signature of a thirteen-year-old girl was not in his best interest. Rinoa had said that the Ragnarok meant something to them and this was probably Laguna's way of making them be a part of it. It was a small gesture, but one that would be remembered.

He looked to the bathroom, thinking of what could've been. Still, maybe he wouldn't give up hope. Positive-thinking wasn't usually his forte. It felt… wrong. Shaking his head, he mumbled _"What the hell happened to you Leonhart"_ to himself as he opened the box.

Inside he found two matching Ragnarok t-shirts and a set of very nice button dress shirts embroidered with the ship's logo. He instantly knew that these shirts weren't something picked up at the corner souvenir shop, all this was official crew gear. It also wouldn't be something he'd normally wear, but there was something endearing about it. In fact, even in the midst of his foul mood, he hadn't noticed the trace of a smile gracing his lips. Who would've thought that clothes from Laguna, of all things, would make him feel this way?

Walking over, he knocked on the door. He wasn't surprised when there was no immediate answer. He immediately berated himself for that comment; he had to remember everything she was going through. It was easy for him to stand on the sidelines and judge but, in a very short span, her world had been shattered, been rebuilt, and now collapsed again – or more like imploded. At least the only way to go was up. Inwardly, he let out a bitter chuckle, this 'optimistic thing' felt so very, very foreign to him.

"Rinoa, I'm not here to start anything. I wanted to let you know that I opened that box and it's clothes for us. There's a Ragnarok t-shirt for you to sleep in… if you're interested." He paused again, finding himself in the unfamiliar position of rating clothing, "It's… um, nice."

That last statement must've drawn genuine curiosity because she opened the door. Her hair had been put in a high ponytail and traces of water remained on her face. She held a washcloth in her hand as Squall tried desperately, albeit unsuccessfully, _not _to notice the fact that she'd removed her shirt, wearing only a bra. This proved to be a rather _unexpected_ distraction.

"A nice t-shirt? Huh?" She looked at him skeptically before putting her hand out. "Fine."

Her eyes met his with a look that screamed, _'if they're so 'nice' why aren't you wearing one?'_ Which, was a decent question, even if he hadn't thought that far ahead. Then again, he could've been reading way more into her body language than she was saying but, either way, he decided it best not to push his luck - yet. After handing her the top, he walked back to the counter, putting on his t-shirt.

Killing time, he picked up the dress shirts and happened to notice a second note placed at the bottom. Without knowing for sure, he had a nagging suspicion that Laguna had an inexplicable love of scavenger hunts - a gene that thankfully wasn't passed down to him.

"_Hope you like these, but you picked up the shirt, so that's a good sign, right? I got it! How about if you do, look in the closet. If you don't, ignore this note."_

This time it was signed with just the letter L minus the smiley faces. There was a certain charming aspect to this, even if pained Squall to admit. He certainly couldn't handle it all the time but, here and there, a little dash of whimsy couldn't hurt.

…And what the hell. Between that thought and optimism, he was feeling nauseous.

Maybe there was something in that pizza earlier or maybe somehow he'd accidently ingested some of Rinoa's headache medicine – those seemed like the most plausible explanations. Though pushing possible drug-induced thoughts to the side, it was impressive that this had been set up so quickly. Squall had to assume that Laguna had only dictated to an assistant or something… a job that probably didn't pay enough. Adding smiley faces to the Presidential signature seemed a tad humiliating; then again, one could only assume the job would be chalk-full of variety. He'd personally loath something so demeaning. Rinoa, Selphie, and Zell on the other hand….

All thoughts were put on hold as the bathroom door opened and Rinoa came out in her t-shirt - and only her t-shirt. Turned out that he was one hundred percent correct, the t-shirt was… _nice_.

They were also extremely comfortable, even Squall would attest to that. For a country that produced such god-awful robes, they'd perfected the market on t-shirts. Then again, maybe they were standard under-robe attire.

He silently watched as she sat on the edge of the bed; she was either unable or not trying to mask her irritation. She also avoided eye contact – an extremely calculated move on her part. He had a feeling she wouldn't be that upset with him if she looked into his eyes. It had always been her weakness and one he had every intention of exploiting. No matter what, the Ragnarok was special and differences aside, they could come together on that; he wasn't about to let her regret this opportunity. No matter what was said, it may never happen again. With that in mind, he went to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

So far, so good.

It wasn't easy, but Rinoa had managed to hold her ground. After crawling into the bed, she turned away, breathing a sigh of relief when the bathroom door closed. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but he'd be there with a counter-argument every step of the way. Tomorrow she could plead her case to Lauren, although she doubted that it would yield any different results.

Honestly, she had no fathomable idea about how she was supposed to sleep; her mind was like a storm with a thousand different thoughts pelting her in every direction. What had been done, what could be done, and what should be – and yet not one of her thoughts was coherent enough to make sense. It wasn't too long after that she felt him getting under the sheet with her – irritated or not, she knew one thing – he made sense. Okay, it wasn't good sense, but as he laid next to her, he remained the one thing that she didn't question.

Thankfully, he'd already turned the lights off because, in the darkness, she'd be less tempted to look into his eyes - either by accident or by design. Honestly, since that first dance in the ballroom, staring into his eyes had become a private, intimate exchange. That's also why arguing with him proved futile in the past - mutual silence led to impromptu, intense staring contests.

She could laugh about it now but, as a teenager, she'd been half-convinced that his eyes should've qualified as one of the world's natural wonders or at least one of its greatest mysteries. In fact, she often believed that he wasn't just staring _at_ her - but _through_ her. Maybe he secretly had the ability to see beyond the physical and into something much deeper. Of course, as an adult, she'd readily admit that registering Squall's eyes as some sort of national treasure was probably _slight _overkill. Still, moving beyond random bouts of adolescent romanticism, she'd never deny that his eyes still had power over her.

Then again, maybe she wasn't alone with her thoughts as she'd also caught him taking his fair share of stolen glances.

And it was those moments where they shared their unexpected, yet intimate, moments of silence that she'd felt completely loved. Sometimes, she'd tense, feeling the ghost of her teenage self - the one that still wanted to know the mystery behind the stare. That young woman once wanted to know everything hidden behind his eyes, but not now. Rinoa never wanted to know entirely – sometimes the best mysteries were those left unsolved. Still, if he really wanted to, all it took was one poignant glance and she'd feel weak.

Now that they were married, or unless she planned to conveniently forget to pay the electric bill, she'd need to learn how to even the field. Then again, that's why the situation suddenly had potential - the darkness could be an advantage. Maybe she'd try one more time to appeal to his… well, she wanted to go with 'logic,' but that wasn't right. When it came to logic, Squall was the one who was being sensible. So, she'd do her best to reach out to his humanity. If it had been Zell, Irvine…or any of his friends needing help, he'd insist on being there. Rinoa realized that she'd been wrong as logical reasoning was well and good when something was logical – emotions were anything but.

She rolled onto her back, looking up to the ceiling. Her eyes had adjusted and the light filtering through the window was a little brighter than she'd believed. Then again, it was impossible to judge things accurately with your eyes closed.

Her voice came out surprising somber. "Right now, I wonder how different it would've been if I hadn't told you. If I'd just returned to work and confronted him on my own."

"You could've," he conceded, "And I couldn't say that's not what I would've done, because honestly, I probably would have."

"…Then why?" she softly pleaded, "Why can't I get some sort of credit for that? Squall, you're my backup. Not SeeD, but you… there's a difference. Maybe I'm not trusting in Zone as much as I'm putting my faith in _you_."

He rolled over. She expected him to go onto his back, but he turned to face her instead. It was already a snug fit, and now on top of that, she became completely aware of his proximity. A fact that something told her he was relying on.

She let out an involuntary 'yelp' as his arm went across her stomach. She didn't know why, but she hadn't been expecting that. If she thought he'd been playing dirty before, this move was off-the-charts.

"Rinoa," he sighed, making her stiffen as he nudged into her. Squall Leonhart did not play fair. "It's really not my call to make. I do have to… let's just say stay under the radar, but yes, I will have influence."

It wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes. Then again, maybe she could play a little dirty too. She turned onto her side to face him. Propping herself onto her side, she reached out and started to casually to play with the long strands of hair that fell over his face. She tried to sound as sweet as possible, although probably overdoing it a tad. "…A lot of influence, right?"

"Not as much as you think you have right now but some." He let out something akin to a laugh to which she jokingly took offence to – maybe it had been more than a 'tad.'

"Whatever." She moved her hand, pushing his shoulder. He had no idea if she was trying to push him off the bed or just move him, but it was a failed attempt on all accounts. He found himself laughing again.

"Laugh it up," she said with hint of playfulness, "I'd have loved to see the newspaper headlines –entire Garden looks like a collective bunch of fools as lone Timber woman solves mystery in Balamb commander's attempted murder."

"That is..." He purposely paused, making sure she got the full dramatic effect, "…a really, really long headline. Did my father write it? Because seriously, sounds like him." He teasingly ran his hand up and down the sheet next to her. "And seriously, fools? SeeDs been called far worse. _I've_ been called worse. Hell, I've been called worse - _today_. I'll get you to change your mind yet."

"Fine, foolish meanies. Happy?"

"Almost," he whispered.

She closed her eyes as his hand moved from the sheet to her arm. Rinoa knew she was going to cave very, very soon and he was well aware of that too. "And foolish meanies? Those are fighting words, miss. You know, I do believe that they could even be considered an act of aggression and you could find yourself the target of all-out war. See, I knew you'd want to reconsider your early headline. SeeDs are nothing if not efficient. We get the job done."

"Efficient? Hah, you guys make counting to ten a forty-two step process, complete with diagrams and back-up strategy, you know, in case number six is out to lunch or something."

"Again, you're mistaken. Everyone knows that number three is a prima-donna." He had to laugh at how ridiculous his statement was; he had no idea why he'd even say that.

By now, she'd joined in his laughter. In retrospect, she really had given a horrible example of a headline, not to mention that this entire conversation had veered off course, although she was glad to have the tension broken. Even more than that, she loved it when he joked around. It was difficult to put into words, but she'd never known humor, especially laughter, could be such an intimate experience, yet with him, it was.

"Fine, Squall you win… Let's just say I was paraphrasing the entire article. You know, me and my awesomeness."

"_Awesomeness-ness_?" he deadpanned in response.

"Thanks Zell," she replied sarcastically.

That was the last straw, in more ways than one. He sat up, laying on top of her, gently holding her arms so they were pinned beside her.

Clearing his throat, he tried his best to come across as authoritative. "Mrs. Leonhart, from this day forth we're setting some new rules in place. First, while in bed, we never, ever mention my father. Second, while in bed, you will never refer to me as Zell. Actually, let's say that you never refer to me as Zell, no matter the location."

"Oh god, I didn't think of that… and now, I just…" She groaned outwardly in disgust. "Damn it Mr. Leonhart, why did you have to go and point it out? Now I'm scarred. _Thankyouverymuch_."

"You're scarred?" He let out another dry laugh. "You?"

"Good point." She'd barely managed the words before she felt his lips tickling her, stopping her laughter dead in its tracks. He'd been purposely been holding back - he really wasn't playing fair.

"I… will…" he kissed her in between each word, slow and calculatingly. She was torn between wanting him to actually give her an answer and wanting him to give her a kiss that went beyond mere teasing. She struggled with the thoughts as he finished. "…keep… the…options open for tomorrow."

She'd been straining to meet him, but pulled back when he said the last word. "Really?" She didn't want to get her hopes up, but he wasn't the type to mislead her.

"Yes." He'd also pulled back, one of his hands reaching for her face. His fingers slowly traced her jaw line before coming to rest on her lips. "I've asked a lot of you, SeeD's asked a lot of you. Today, I put you in a room with a fucking serial killer…another in my long line of mistakes. And yes, letting you talk to Zone will likely be another one… but who am I to justify one over the other? But you'd better believe I will be there if it goes down like that and at the first sign of danger, you're out. I'm serious, at the first flinch."

She nodded beneath his touch, too stunned to even articulate her answer. His sudden change of heart made no sense.

"Rinoa, I just-" He stopped. Everything about him seemed to change and she so desperately wanted to urge the words from him, but she felt something deeper – he was terrified. He rolled off of her, lying on his back. "I'm sorry." His apology was forced, as were the next words. "We should sleep."

Finally, she'd received the answer she'd wanted, but it had come at a high price. She'd not meant to guilt him into anything or imply that he was a hypocrite for having her face Sirtis. She understood why he did what he did today. He did what _he_ _thought_ was right – just like tomorrow was about what _she thought_ was right. And yes, putting her in with Zone would always be some sort of danger, but somehow no matter how lost Zone was, she still believed that there was a part of him that would never hurt her, he'd be far more likely to — and with that, it hit her.

Mirroring his action, she moved on top of him. He tried to turn away, but she'd gently guided him so he was facing her.

"…I said we should sleep." He tried to repeat the sentiment, although his heart was hardly in it.

She ignored him, resting her forehead against him. "It's not the same."

"Don't," he warned with the absent intensity as his other words. He was just going through the motions, which to her was scarier than his anger - he'd mentally retreated.

"…And it's not going to go away."

A bitter laugh escaped his lips as he turned his head from her again.

"Squall, you're not the same and neither are the situations. We have to believe in each other… and trust in each other. I'm going to need you to have my back tomorrow - not because I think I'll need the protection, but because I need _you_."

"He's unstable, Rinoa. He's shown that. There's no way to predict his reaction."

"…Squall, stop trying to predict his reaction - that's where you're going wrong. Not everything can be predicted, analyzed or explained, and wasting all the energy doing that isn't always worth it. It's like thinking about everything you don't have instead of focusing on what's in front of you. " She placed a soft kiss on his cheek, hovering just over his ear. "I love you… and I believe in you… in all these years, that never wavered. And right now, I'm the one asking for your support."

As he looked back up at her, he took time to memorize all her features among the shadows. The glow of Esthar's lights mixed with the ship's interior bathed the entire room with soft blue light. She was beautiful- everything he'd remembered and yet, so much more. It was times like these, as the soft light kissed her skin, she was more angel than mortal and he had to remind himself that he wasn't going to wake up from this dream. Too many countless nights he'd reach for something that wasn't there, or even worse, when he'd reach and there was something there – only to come face-to-face with the truth.

He had to hide his fear, for her sake. She was the one that feared everything would change after tomorrow – so had he. She worried that Garden would keep him, hold him back from living whatever this life was they were going to piece together, but he feared the opposite. She'd wake up and realize her mistake; know how damaged he truly was and not see a future, their future. And no matter how gently she'd break it to him, the reality would sting more than the nights he reached out and she wasn't there.

But he could do this for her – or at least try. Marriage was give and take, or so Selphie had informed Irvine quite readily, but he doubted few faced such challenges.

Reaching up, he did something that felt completely wrong – which is why he believed, for them, it had to be right. "I promise you, I'll do my best. I'm sure I can persuade Lauren. But just remember, it's not a concrete yes, but definitely not a solid no."

"That's all I can ask right now." She paused, suddenly feeling extremely wrong. "Okay, maybe _not all _I could ask. Rule number three, along with Laguna and Zell, we don't mention-"

It pained him too much to hear her repeat that name so he cut her off. "-Don't say it. I know."

She rested her head on his bare chest, letting out a long breath. She was halfway between comfortable and uncomfortable, but yet she had no desire to move. As his arms wrapped around her as he pulled her near, it seemed both had found solace in the moment – the last few minutes of calm before the storm.

He should've let it go, but again, he found himself unable to concentrate as his thoughts were too focused on her.

Rinoa not only heard, but also felt his voice as it reverberated within his chest as he spoke.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm worried about you, Rin. I know this has got to be tearing you apart, but you haven't talked about Zone besides wanting to be there. I do want to support you, but that means right now too."

She smiled. He cared enough not to keep his thoughts to himself. Her hands held him tighter as she began to talk. "You know, things must be really bad when you're talking to me about feelings." Reaching up, she gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before continuing, "But you're right, Squall. I know that I'm probably coming off as… well, indifferent, maybe? I think it's the way I have to deal with it for now. It's not right, but I'm not sure it's wrong either."

She found herself readjusting so she could look out into the city. It had become her new favorite view, well besides the one directly beneath her. "Maybe there's some part of me that still hopes that when I talk to him this will all be some stupid misunderstanding. Maybe it's hard to accept as real until I see him with my own eyes, hear him with my own ears."

He shook his head. He feared something like this - sometimes it was a bad thing being the eternal optimist. "Rin…"

"I know, I know." She had to stop him before he said it. "You're right. No matter what, I know I'm kidding myself. I think it's just the process my mind has to go through to get through tomorrow… Don't ask me then what will get me through the following day." She sat up again, looking him in the eyes. "No, I know what will get me through that and the day after and the day after… The same thing that's going to get me through a very long time."

"I got the only miracle I'll ever need." Even in the dark, he could see her smile - it had never been so radiant in his dreams.

"So um, Squall, while we're here… I mean aboard the Ragnarok." Rinoa nervously licked her lips before finding the courage to ask him. She had no idea what was possessing her, but he was her husband now. She figured there had to be some unwritten law about being truthful, even about long-repressed, possibly embarrassing realizations coming to light. "Can I um… ask you something?"

"If I say no, are you going to ask anyhow?" Honestly, he felt just a tad bit scared.

"Yes."

"Shocking."

"So yeah, when we were on the Ragnarok last time, you know up in space, did you ever think about you know…_this_?"

"This?"

"You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"

"Do you mean devising a complex plan to pretend to be dead in order to set a trap for a serial killer? Yes, absolutely. Don't worry, I won't make you say it," he said before sarcastically adding, "Or wait 'this' as in the other thing – as in being in a group of meddling slightly-older-than-teenagers solving crimes in badly-painted van that include a hot girl and an annoying sidekick. Thankfully, the oversized dog stayed home. Who knew that childhood dreams could come true – not mine, everyone else at the orphanage."

"..Wha?" She laughed unable to stop that seemingly-insane scenario from popping into her head. "Does that make cheese fries - Zell-snacks. Seems the same."

"Touché. But yes, you're right, that's_ exactly _what I thought about after jumping out in space. I'm so glad I could finally get that off my chest."

"Yeah… speaking of chest. I'd better be the hot girl in that group."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Turning his head, he let out a fake cough. "…_Annoying sidekick."_

"Your humor is so…wrong. Very wrong." A genuine laugh escaped her lips as she inched her way up his body and, as their foreheads pressed together, she became exceedingly aware of their bodies' proximity. Nervously, she swallowed while subconsciously licking her lips. It took everything she had (and more) to focus her attention into her question rather than the man directly beneath her. "Squall…yeah, I feel strangely compelled to ask about your brain's modus operandi here. How did you possibly manage to go _to _the question you answered_ from_ the question I'd actually asked? Sure, I get how the rest of the world's population may do random, but _you_… not so much."

He shrugged. "Repressed childhood memories that should've stayed repressed. Still, there's a positive. If I try to 're-repress' everything now, Zell's existence gets caught in the wake. Makes it an absolute _win-win_ for me." He then paused, knowing how she was going to respond.

The next two words were spoken in perfect unison, "Be nice."

She giggled at the way his serious attitude countered hers; she also made a mental note to re-examine her predictability after this.

He loved hearing her laugh; earlier today his only wish is that she'd be able to do just that. Still, it was probably best for their relationship if he confessed yet another deep-dark secret… for what was clearly a lack of a better term "Fine, maybe, just maybe, I really didn't think about solving crimes the last time we were on the Ragnarok. Of the million things that crossed my mind, that wasn't one of them."

"I'm so hurt and shocked. Really." She feigned being upset. "Here I thought we were kindred spirits. I was already making plans to sell my house, but it turns out that our shared dream of van-cohabitation was all an ugly ruse. You _are a_ meanie, simultaneously obliterating my dreams of both crime-solving-slash-meddling and van ownership. 'Disappointment' aside, I'm forced to circle back and again ask – why, just why?"

"Vicariously reliving Selphie and Zell's childhood obsession, maybe? I wasn't kidding about the repressed aspect, I'd forgotten about it until recently – _thankfully_. About two weeks ago when the van was parked outside of Dollet and Zell was searching through the funeral footage and he and I disagreed on basic needs. He thought he needed a television break, while I thought he needed a black eye. I won."

"Oh, wow, _two full weeks_ ago? That explains _sooo_ much - you were a far less personable back in those ancient times of yore," she spoke mockingly.

"I really was." Exhaling loudly, it bothered him that he'd only been partially kidding. Honestly, his behavior towards Zell had been simply abhorrent. "How about I purchase him an entire collection of the cartoons in high-def – will that make up for it?"

"…It's a start. Squall, you gave him a black eye for trying to help… Maybe consider purchasing him the high-end video player too. Trust me, I've had the joy of being your van-mate too…So yeah, with that in mind, you may want to throw in a large-screen television too." She followed that by giving him a tender kiss. "You know what's the worst part about this? Nobody will believe me if I tried to tell them what you just said."

"Probably not. That's what makes it so damn perfect. And speaking of perfect…" He snaked his hand around her body, working his way to her head. "Have I told you how much I love my wonderfully-annoying sidekick for life?" He then gently pressed their lips together, momentarily forgetting about anything else. As he deepened the kiss, it almost worked.

"Hmph…" she managed, pulling away. Narrowing her eyes, she'd caught on to his highly-effective diversionary technique. "You… you are avoiding my question."

"Question? I never actually heard one."

She groaned. "_I knew _you'd make me say it. You _so know_ \- and _I know_ that _you know_. Fine, I'll play along. Last time when you and I were aboard the Ragnarok, did you think about us at all… I mean, more than just a hug to know we were alive… kissing, sex, anything?"

"Rinoa, I was a trained military commander, facing a life or death situation. We were trapped in space, floating around lost, losing oxygen, with little to no hope of getting home – hell, I didn't even take time to even give you the hug - it wasn't time-efficient," he then sternly added, "Of course, somewhere amid all of that I thought of sex."

Any laugher earlier paled in comparison to now, "Oh..my.. God…Squall…"

"Yes, it my mind it went something like that," he deadpanned.

It took her a second to grasp the double entendre but, once she did, she ended up rolling off him and onto her back. She was afraid that in her state of doubled-up laughter that she'd end up hurting him in one form or another. True,_ maybe_ the question was a tad loaded, but there'd always been genuine curiosity after an off-handed comment by Irvine. She believed that the idea was entirely far-fetched – that Squall Leonhart wouldn't have such pedantic thoughts. However, Irvine strongly disagreed. In fact, he was adamant enough in his beliefs that he'd bet her ten Gil that no matter how straight-laced Squall seemed, the thought had crossed the commander's mind – and more than just in passing. It looked like the cowboy won at least one of his outstanding bets.

This time, it was his turn to surprise her, capturing her hands again, carefully pinning them over her head. Even though they'd somehow returned to their original positions, a lot of understanding about tomorrow had passed between them. By now, she'd laughed to the point where tears had built-up in the corner of her eyes. He knew it was more than a reaction to his simple comment, but rather a form of emotional release.

He smiled. "Sorry if I tainted whatever image you had. I can pretend it didn't happen if you'd prefer."

"No, it's actually very sweet."

"Yes 'sweet' is exactly what I'd call it." Again, it was his delivery that made it hard to catch her breath. It was hard to put into words, but somehow this felt like one of the most 'real' moments they'd ever shared. Not only had he'd been honest, but he had been honest about a rather vicarious matter.

To him, any embarrassment was worth it when he saw her infectious smile beneath him. He slowly started to plant butterfly kisses between her neck and collarbone as he spoke. "To be fair, I did think about all those other things too - from what genius genetically coded Propagators so they'd have to be killed in such an asinine way, to more of our baser needs." His lips brushed kisses to emphasis each of his words, "From food, water, oxygen – then to things like landing, and losing you… then to kissing you and maybe even what it would be like _to someday_ make love to you."

"Someday?" she gasped as his warm breath tickled her.

"Yes, someday…" he leaned up seductively whispering in her ear, "…or right there and then in the pilot seat, _whichever_."

So much for seductive. Rinoa found herself trapped in this awkward combination of desire, laughter, and honest-to-goodness shock. He continued to expertly kiss the sensitive skin on her neck as he whispered secrets he'd never intended confessing. "Of course, at the time I tried to deny these thoughts even crossed my mind, but you decided to make it _impossible..._ especially when you decided to plop yourself down on my lap. Let's just say that I became_ very aware _of a few of those baser needs that weren't food or water… and it may or may not have played into why I told you to get back to your seat, before you noticed I was _very aware."_

"You_ are_ kidding right?"

"You'll never know, will you? But as much as I'd love to reminisce about awkward moments in my teenage life, we need to sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

"Squall, that's _so_ not flying this time." She chuckled again, hooking her legs around him. "Let's just say that this time I'm _very aware_ that _you're aware_ of exactly where this is headed."

"Well, that only took you seven years to catch on." He softly laughed no longer holding back.

"_Probably, maybe_," she reiterated from earlier, gasping as her breath hitched. "…_Most_ _certainly."_

* * *

Sleep hadn't come easily, but she had tried. Every time her eyes would close and she'd drift off, she'd wake herself with a start. Yet as she woke herself up this time, everything suddenly felt different. She couldn't say when or how, but the steady vibrations of the Ragnarok shook her entire body. The slow back-and-forth rocking motion would've been comforting, had it not been for where they were headed.

She'd let out a sharp breath as the realization they weren't flying dawned on her. She knew they weren't in Esthar anymore, that she'd slept through the trip. When she finally opened her eyes, looked out, well… her adoptive homeland would never be so heartbreaking. She didn't even have to move to know Squall wasn't there; she wasn't surprised, but that didn't mean she wasn't disappointed. Of course, he thought he was doing the gentlemanly thing by letting her sleep in, but he'd never understand how hard it was to wake up alone – especially today.

Honestly, she'd rather be deprived of sleep than to open her eyes with the overwhelming feeling of emptiness. The ship suddenly jerked again, as if it had shifted gears or was powering down. She'd realized that it was probably the Ragnarok's descent that had roused her from her already-turbulent sleep.

"You're awake." It wasn't a question, but a statement – it was one that she hadn't expected. He wasn't in bed, but he wasn't gone. He hadn't left her.

"You're here," although it was spoken in thankful desperation, it came off as nothing more than stating the obvious.

"I am."

It was enough encouragement to open her eyes. The first thing she saw was Squall bending over, carefully holding out a coffee cup to the side as he placed a quick kiss on her lips. It was his way of saying good morning, in a morning that was anything but – the words would hold no meaning and she knew that's why he didn't say them.

He sat on the bed, fully dressed in his clothes from before, with the exception of his shirt. He'd had on a black button-down - what she'd qualify as a casual dress shirt with the Ragnarok's logo. He looked amazing. There was a twinge of sadness at the thought, how long would it be until she'd be able to spend another morning with him. Maybe it shouldn't be one of her first thoughts considering, but dreaming of the next time she'd wake up just to be greeted by him – that was a thought worth fighting for.

"We're due downstairs in fifteen minutes. I was… letting you sleep in."

"I kinda figured. Thank you, I guess. Maybe I needed it, I suppose."

After taking a sip of his coffee, he placed his free hand on her shoulder. She'd still wrapped herself up in the sheet, but her bare shoulder was exposed as he gently massaged it. "That's a lot of decisiveness in one statement. That's why I fell in love with you_ sorta_."

She snorted a single-syllable response, unable to articulate anything else. She had a feeling she'd already hit the height of her decisiveness. God help them if it was all downhill from here.

"There is water pressure in the shower. It's weak, but you should have a good ninety seconds of warm water and two minutes of tepidly _almost-tolerable-for-Rinoa_ water. I know you love your showers on the hot side, but apparently hot showers and space travel don't mix, although I don't believe we were expected guests."

"Tell me there's at hot water for coffee. Today is not a cold coffee day."

"Don't worry, you're safe. Zell brought up two cups. …Have to say you're slipping though, figured that would've been the first words out of your mouth today." He made a sound which she'd come to recognize as a form of laughter before doing his Rinoa impression. "Coffee. Now."

"Yeah, not sure if that's supposed to be me or Fujin… because I think you're missing a 'meanie' in there."

"No, she's not missing – she's still in bed."

Even under the circumstance, she managed a grumbling-laugh as she rolled onto her back. It had been forced, but she appreciated that he'd tried. Looking up, she had to blink a few times before the ceiling finally came into focus. Last night, as she tried to lull herself into sleep, she'd spent far too long staring up at it. Still, she managed an honest smile as she contemplated his earlier comment. "If you must know, after I realized that I wasn't alone… I believe my first thought was, 'where the heck are my clothes?'"

"Everywhere… seriously, everywhere. I'm not positive how you managed that, but now they're folded on the counter. Would you like them?"

"No, I wanted to show up downstairs at the meeting with Laguna, Lauren, and the others naked."

"Let's call that plan B." He let out a soft chuckle. "But let's stick with plan A. That's the one where I clarify my earlier statement – would you like me to hand them to you?"

"Plan A sounds better."

"Much." He got off the bed, gathering her clothes and handing them to her. "You have one of these shirts too, if you'd rather wear that over what you have there."

"No, it's fine, I'll go with the t-shirt. We've not even been married 48 hours so I think showing up in matching clothes to the meeting is going a little… overboard."

"I can't really comment on that subject since this coming from the guy who spent a good chunk of his life dressing like everyone else around him. Still, I completely understand."

"Squall Leonhart and conformity – there's some irony in there somewhere, isn't there?"

"I suppose, although I'd say Rinoa Leonhart and conformity is even more ironic."

She didn't have time to respond before someone knocked on their door. "Yo, sleepyheads, you are being summoned. Err…maybe summoned isn't the right word, since it's not like you're a GF, although Squall's grumpy enough to be one and have you ever noticed they're all like totally grumpy? I guess if I was trapped-"

"Stop." Squall whisper-yelled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'll be down, just stop."

"Tch, fine. See, you're grumpier than Diablo or Ifrit – Squallfrit? Squallablo? Yeah, heard myself… going." There was a quick pause, before he yelled back. "Oh, mornin' Rin, coffee's on."

"Thanks." She tried to sound polite, but her heart unfortunately wasn't in it. She sighed as she sat up, still holding the sheet to her chest. She didn't really need to, but it was just a random mental hang-up of hers, especially when they were having a conversation with a third party.

"He's so happy… I can't blame him. He gets to go home. I need to remember that."

Reaching over, he set his coffee cup down on the built-in nightstand before pulling her into a hug. She leaned against him, taking solace in knowing that these were their last few minutes. Still, she appreciated that he was there in the first place, that he could've been downstairs, that he _should've_ been down stairs. One quick glance to the small table confirmed that he was working though he'd stayed with her. Resting against him, she had this oddest feeling as she looked out the window to see her first glimpse of Timber's skyline. It was such a stark contrast to the glass iridescent lights that Esthar had been known for.

"You know we're home for the first time."

"Actually, I do." He kissed the top of her head. "Welcome home."

She gasped, pulling back so she could look him in the eyes. "Before Zell stopped by, you called me-"

"Shhh I know," he'd stopped her from saying anymore as he offered a knowing smile. His abrupt interruption wasn't intended as an act of rudeness, but he needed her to know that she didn't have to say it – he knew already. "I'm going to have to head downstairs. Your coffee is on the counter and there will be food downstairs. Eat. I know you won't want to, but you're emotionally and physically drained, so no arguments, all right? And no matter what happens today, I'm here. We'll get through this together and remember Rinoa Leonhart, we're home."

"Thank you."

Standing up, he reached for his coffee before leaning over to give her another kiss before he left. He offered her another smile, speaking with conviction. "You're an amazing, strong person."

She did her best to smile in reply, although it ended up looking like a pathetic attempt at best. It hadn't been his intention and it was ill-timed, but she looked so cute that he gave another soft chuckle before one final kiss.

She watched as he left and after the door closed and a few seconds past, she found herself whispering, "I love you too." He hadn't said it in words, but she knew now more than ever that he had said it.

With the sheet still wrapped around her, she got out of bed, making her way to the picture window. Timber had never looked so big, yet so small. She had to be strong and she had to be the one to do this – this was more than about Zone.

It was about Zell's future engagement.

It was about a bullet's path veering a little off course.

It was about reunions with friends

It was and about a wedding and about newfound family.

It was about going home.

* * *

_ **_**Chapter Eighty-Eight: A Matter of Honor**_  
** _

* * *

 He believed in her.

_He did. _

But believing alone wouldn't be enough. It rarely was. Belief didn't win wars; it couldn't – or wouldn't - save lives without something more. Maybe it was his training, or the games forced onto him, but Squall knew that belief alone was idealistic,_ not_ realistic.

Rinoa never quite grasped that concept.

Maybe he should have been grateful for that. _Maybe_. That had always been a fundamental difference between them - ideals defined an angel, reality defined a lion. Still, even amid the clouded doubt, his heart believed in her. The reality was far less pretty but, if called upon, could he believe himself? That thought gave his mind pause. Now, he despised the silence although he'd once known it intimately as any lover – what once brought him comfort, now left him exposed.

It was slowly eating away at him; he had to stop this before he lost himself.

The wait. The silence. The helplessness.

The realities he knew and despised with equal fervor. Maybe it was time for the lion to grow wings, trying to embrace that one thing that had eluded him all his years - to believe in ideals. _Truly believe._ Maybe he could if only because he believed in her.

He did.

* * *

It was the wait that slowly ate away at him. Once the building was given the all-clear, the life they'd built over the last weeks would be a memory. Rinoa was still outside getting last minute advice. The image was clear – Kiros was attempting to highlight the important points, Laguna not being able to control himself, adding his own most likely long-winded advice that would inevitably add confusion. Squall would do anything for her to change her mind, to let him and his partner advance on Zone's location. Hell, to have anyone advance – it didn't matter to him.

Squall hadn't noticed how firmly his jawbone had clenched, nor how forcefully his teeth grinded together. His tenseness carried over into the physical. It squared his cheekbones so dramatically that, at certain angles, he appeared seemingly unfamiliar, an illusion. Shadows and light worked on his features like a canvas; the finished product added not only years, but an overall hardness. Very few had seen this side of the commander, usually those with him seconds before battle. Then again, if this had been strictly about the battle, it would've resolved itself.

But he wanted it too much.

To most, that wouldn't have been a problem but, to a seasoned vet like himself, he knew the danger - the more he over-thought, the more everything compounded. He needed to harness the emotion and, to his own surprise, he had. All that tension had manifested itself in an extremely unexpected way. It was, as what Lauren could only describe, a bout of nervous energy.

Squall checked his earpiece knowing the stakes had never been higher. The little device remained fully-functional…just as it had been thirty seconds ago, the thirty seconds before that, and, yes, thirty seconds before that. There was vigilance and then there was obsession - Squall had managed to accomplish a hell of a lot of both in five minutes. Lauren had lost count after a dozen checks, but she gave him this. However, she knew the truth as well as him - Squall Leonhart had become his own worst enemy.

At this point, he might as well order himself to do the impossible, like calming down. However, that was a feat far easier said than done given his position – his _literal_ position. Right now, his body was flush against the wall as he strived for the meticulous balance between remaining stealthy and obsessing over equipment. It was easier to think about the latter than all that could go wrong or the fact he was forced to keep his distance. He wasn't to engage the target – a call that certainly wasn't his. He also didn't like that there was an entire room going to be separating them. Training his mind and body to stand down was one thing, explaining that to his heart was quite another. At least the building's workers had been evacuated, thanks to Kiros and the coordinated efforts of local law enforcement and a tactical SeeD unit.

So close. So far…

He caught the eyes of his partner as she offered a weak smile. Lauren mirrored his position from across the doorway, albeit with a much less rigid stance. As odd as it was, he thankful for her presence; she had a good reading on things – her focused and detached nature had become a source of balance. Yes, maybe it_ should've_ been awkward, given who she was and whose tail they would be backing up, but she was support, even if it was not by the conventional definition. Lauren was exactly who Squall wanted across from him – someone who could compartmentalize, keeping all emotions out of the equation.

As much as the commander respected Zell's abilities as a SeeD, he was too close to Rinoa – being emotionally linked to the subject was far from a sound or strategic decision.

It was also a load of shit.

Squall could sell that bull to them, but not to himself. Following that logic, he too had no business here. He should be in the surveillance van, sharing a scone with Laguna or some other fucked up shit. But as cliché as it sounded, neither wild horses nor the entire Galbadian army had the ability to keep him away from exactly where he was now.

That being said, he knew that this also meant he'd owe Zell, or rather, he'd owe him yet another apology – the current story of his life. Before the mission, he'd openly sold his friend short. Truthfully, the martial artist was more than capable of separating emotions from objectives – a lesson Squall's own hubris should've followed. It was an aspect of his personality that the commander was slowly being introduced to. It wasn't the only truth that he'd kept to himself – the single most compelling reason he wanted Lauren there – her marksmanship.

If she had the shot, she'd have the kill.

With a semi-automatic pistol, the interim commander was virtually flawless. What skill Irvine possessed with a long-range sniper rifle, Lauren matched with a .40 caliber pistol at up to fifty meters.

Therein laid the rub, something that skirted the fine line of the commander's darker nature he often wrestled with. It started hours ago, before the first troop stepped into the building. Squall had ordered the target to be taken in alive, a point that he reiterated again and again to SeeDs and law enforcement alike.

Although he spoke to those within earshot, the words were specifically crafted for her. Yes, he would protect Zone, that wasn't the lie, but he would not protect him at _any_ price. He had made that decision the very moment Rinoa inserted herself into the middle of this lunacy. The last few hours had consisted of nothing more than careful planning and equally-as-careful wording. Outside of their group, nobody knew _why_ they were systematically entering a building for Zone. It was only explained as a 'security breach that needed urgent attention' and everything else had been strategically omitted. It was just as he'd explained to Rinoa - if the SeeDs knew that Zone was behind the assassination attempt, someone may come down with a severe case of 'itchy-trigger-finger-itis.'

Truthfully, every mission was a wildcard. There may have been guidelines soldiers followed, but that was far from 'order.' It wasn't some dot-to-dot puzzle, where going forward was as easy as finding the next number. The term 'routine mission' was one of the largest misnomers in law enforcement – an ideology created for family and friends, implying comfort and normalcy.

And that - _all of that_ – was the reason _why_ he wanted Lauren watching his back.

If at any time he believed that Rinoa was in danger, whether from herself or Zone, all bets were off. Lauren would shoot to kill - no hesitation, no second-guessing, and no ties. After Seifer, Squall knew how powerful history could be – looking into the eyes of enemy was much harder when you had once called them friend. Against Zone, Lauren was Squall's best weapon as he was the one bound by emotion for once.

Shit. Now was not the time to get trapped in his thoughts. Lauren shook her head, to which he nodded a response. Focus. He had to remind himself the mission was on-track… well, except for some bonus pent-up, anal-retentive, nervous energy.

Speaking of which – he realized something was in his hands. Looking down, he figured out exactly why his partner had given him that look. For lack of better words, it was as if his brain had been on autopilot as his fingers expertly hit the series of buttons. He had started the test that verified the signal – again. Maybe it was because he knew; that little device would be the single most important lifeline to his wife. While the earpiece itself might've been tiny, the purpose it served was anything but - once the verbal cue was given by Rinoa, everything in his life would change.

His mind couldn't stray from plan; he had to listen for her words. Again, to be clear, this wasn't _his_ plan, nor did he want anything to do with it. He much preferred facing Zone through direct means. Rinoa, however, had a far different plan; she'd rather side-step the direct idea with some 'heartfelt conversation.' A bad idea to him, as hers centered around emotional dynamite - nothing like telling the guy who tried to kill her ex-boyfriend that, not only did he fail, but he epically failed – by mending fences and wearing wedding rings. Squall had yet to understand how Rinoa believed that her plan would end in peaceful surrender.

But marriage was 50/50 right? Give and take? Like the fact that he'd _give _his opinions and then she wouldn't take them. Worse yet, they were being backed up by his ex-girlfriend and his father. Then again, maybe he'd grown more cynical in death.

And then, it happened.

It was the sign that he didn't want to come. Lauren communicated in silence – the sharp hand gesture indicated that she could see her – Rinoa had entered the building. There was no return, but there hadn't been for some time, although he didn't want to admit that. For good, for bad – this was the beginning of an end.

No more time for nervous energy, everything he had, all the strength he drew from these last weeks – he'd focus every last drop on Rinoa.

At least she was surrounded by the best; he and Lauren could hear every word that would be said. Zell, Kiros, and Laguna would also be monitoring, but from a secondary van brought in by the SeeDs stationed in Fisherman's Horizon. The channels had been restricted for a purpose and what was said between Rinoa and Zone would stay among them.

Then there were the SeeDs who were highly-trained and strategically placed throughout the building – the sharpshooters across the roof would have their weapons trained on the target. Squall couldn't say if Zone would hurt Rinoa, but nobody could predict what someone would do backed into a corner. Squall had subscribed to the belief that self-preservation was a trait held by many but, selflessness,_ true selflessness_, was a trait held by few.

Then he heard it, a sound that terrified him - her footsteps. No matter how much he wanted to look out, he wouldn't. It was a risk and nothing, especially his own desires, was worth it. On instinct, he reached down to his sidearm; he wasn't used to something so small, but it would do.

Rinoa whispered to him in the microphone – and that was the last thing he heard before she entered the room.

He believed in her. He did.

"…_Hey, Zone."_

With those two words, his heart stopped. He'd never felt so helpless. He'd never been so scared, so terrified. Today, didn't feel real. When he woke up, he had no idea his afternoon would turn out like this. Why did the others go along with this? Why did he agree? But truthfully, the choice was never really his – it was and always had been hers. Plus, Rinoa could be quite tenacious when she set her mind to it.

When he woke up this morning, it wasn't supposed to go like this. He had replayed everything a hundred times over but, no matter how much he wanted, he couldn't just open his eyes and be on the Ragnarok as if nothing happened.

But he believed in her.

_He did._

* * *

Unlike his wife, Squall was a morning person. Well, every morning with the exception of this one. Leaning against the Ragnarok's window, he looked at Timber's skyline.

There was something about air travel that had always left him a little uncomfortable. Squall had never mentioned this to anyone – to him, it wasn't even anything worth mentioning. The feeling certainly couldn't be categorized as a phobia and, honestly, it didn't even qualify as a fear. He wasn't worried about plummeting to the ground or fuel leaks, engine failure, collisions with a flock of kamikaze geese, or what have you. One of the main reasons was this feeling had never been about death but rather something even more terrifying – losing control.

When he was in the sky, someone else was at the helm. He felt as if he was surrendering his destiny to someone else's whim; it was about their abilities, their faults, and from that uncertainty, dislike was born. But there was a lesson in it, one that flowed through every aspect of life – try as he might, there were times where having control was impossible. Life required him to step back, relinquish control, and rely on the skills and abilities of others.

Today, he would be putting that to the test. Standing on the sidelines, watching Lauren and the other SeeDs take point in the mission - _that_ would prove to be the true testament of will. By sunset this evening, the fact that he hadn't been able to pilot the Ragnarok would be the furthest thing from his mind.

Up to this point, this had been his mission…_correction, _he'd been the mission. Now, he had to entrust not only its success or failure to others, but had to relinquish control entirely. This felt eerily reminiscent about his feelings towards flight; it was like sitting in the airplane's fuselage, knowing the ones in control were locked behind the cockpit. And as he watched the plane's ascent, the ground becoming a distant memory, he'd be forced to accept that all his control was lost the moment the cabin door was sealed.

Today, he had to trust Lauren and her squad – they'd become the pilots. Even harder to accept –what if they bought into Rinoa's idea that she should be the one to confront Zone? He knew it wasn't a wise move and hoped that Lauren and the others saw how foolish it was. Then again, there was a small voice in his head reminding him that _he_ was the one who sent her to do reconnaissance at Fisherman's Horizon. Worse yet, _he_ was the one who wanted her to speak to Sirtis when everyone else was horrified at his actions. He wanted to tell that damn voice to shut the hell up but…he couldn't. It was right, but it didn't stop his mind from thinking that this was different…somehow.

Even if Squall accepted that he wouldn't be the mission's pilot, even if he recognized that he wasn't in charge of the flight, he'd be _damned_ if he wasn't the one to break that door down and force himself into the cockpit. Of course, before destroying the doors of imaginary planes, it would make things infinitely easier if he left their makeshift suite.

It wasn't surprising that leaving his wife proved to be one of his most difficult tasks to date. However, it became a necessary evil - if he ever wanted to look himself in the mirror again, he knew what he was about to do – he needed to do it alone.

Closing the door to their quarters, he took one last moment to reflect on _this_ life. He thought about last night – maybe it a good thing he wasn't 'piloting' today, given the amount of sleep, or lack thereof, that he'd gotten. With his random luck, he'd end up with some Zell-like results, such as careening into an iceberg or derailing into a field of alpacas. This was especially impressive given they were traveling neither by boat or train, but that's about how things felt like they'd play out today.

Squall could say with a hundred percent honesty that _this_ wasn't how he pictured his next trip on the Ragnarok; in all actuality, it was probably closer to how Irvine probably pictured his next trip here or well, pictured his next trip _anywhere_ – the years certainly hadn't deterred his imagination, much to Selphie's chagrin. Personally, before yesterday, Squall would not have pictured _any _trip on the ship, considering it was a singular representation of a time in his life he tried to repress. Now, forgetting simply wasn't an option.

It was nice while it lasted.

He felt the sides of his lips twinge, involuntarily curling into the thinnest of smiles. Thankfully, the Ragnarok had coffee and the mug camouflaged this 'so-called' smile perfectly. It was then that a random thought entered his head - although he knew that beggars can't be choosers, he wished the coffee had been a hell of a lot stronger. Since one of his very first thoughts of the day included alpacas, maybe he needed to seriously reevaluate some life choices. Nursing a long sip, he mentally concluded that…well, for now, he'd just go with the fact he was 'satisfied' with his life choices.

True, maybe staying up most of the night wasn't the best professional choice but it definitely ranked in the top five of his personal choices. He and Rinoa _needed_ that time, the closeness and the intimacy – it was needed on more than one level. After today, married life would be put on pause, at least for a while. Last night had been about reassurance; it was about whatever obstacles were thrown their way - whether it was dealing with Zone's actions, the political fallout, or even the repercussions of his SeeD resignation - hell, maybe even icebergs or alpacas too - but whatever they faced would make them stronger on the other side.

It took time, but he finally turned away from the door and, all too soon, found himself staring down the spacecraft's narrow, infinite-looking passageway. At least he could fully appreciate the technical aspects now that he wasn't being led by an incompetent, although somewhat endearing tour guide – the key word being _somewhat_. Seriously, he couldn't emphasize the 'somewhat' part enough. That aside, the Ragnarok's construction was an engineering marvel and there was a sense of beauty in it. From a visual standpoint, the pipes paralleled the ceiling and grated floors, adding dimension with an added touch of symmetry. With layering and some pipes tapering, it appeared to be an optical illusion to an extent. Maybe now that he'd have a little 'free time' on his hands as he was currently unemployed, he'd learn more about the mechanics as it always did fascinate him - a thought he'd be keeping to himself. The last thing he wanted was Mr. Know-it-All volunteering to tutor him on…well, everything.

Then again, maybe this was all in his mind and the illusion was some inner projection. The corridor was only infinite because that's how long he imagined the upcoming weeks would feel like.

Again, he found that he'd stopped in a hallway - taking that next step was proving troublesome. Now, he knew it was all in his mind. Still, it reminded him of that old Centran proverb that went something like, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Of course, not to outdo noted philosophers and scholars, when Zell was around sixteen, he had put his own unique Zell-esque spin on it with, "The journey to the cafeteria begins with running, shoving, and trampling the underclassman." Oddly, this version now seemed equally as fitting and, if it was one thing, it was honest.

Not that Squall intended to physically harm anyone (neither did Zell as it was simply a turn of phrase…well, except once, _maybe_ twice…) but there was a subtle pro-active wisdom to it. It had been originally coined during the height of Zell's hot-dog dependency although Squall did his damndest to ignore it, which likely classified him as an enabler. It literally had been years since Squall thought about that time in their lives, but the analogy felt wholly-appropriate today. Months ago at Selphie and Irvine's wedding, Zell proceeded to lecture him about the joys of life, love, and the pursuit of hotdogs.

That day, Squall couldn't pinpoint what pissed him off more - Zell's boundary issues, Zell's shit-for-timing, Zell's _so-called _advice that was thinly disguised as random stupidity or, worse than all those combined, the fact that the guy was spot-on. Even if Squall had acted indifferent, he always listened; he could even recall something else had said that day – that he'd given up something he loved, for something he loved more. Those words stuck but, although he couldn't say that he 'loved' Garden, it was still a deep part of him, but so was she…and he loved her more. So basically, Squall could say that Rinoa was his 'hotdog,' but that would likely offend both Zell and Rinoa… Yes, it was official - he really needed much stronger coffee. If he wanted to make this marriage work, saying something like that out loud it would top the 'poor' life choices column.

As he slowly walked down the 'infinite corridor' with limited time, he decided that his last official act as Balamb's Commander should be to offer Zell a weekly love advice column at Garden Square. Maybe that had been the martial artist's true endgame and helping Squall was easier than lobbying for the position outright. Though with Irvine's influence, he feared the outcome could turn a little…well, risqué. Then again, that would be somebody else's problem, although he had no idea whose. Maybe he should've put in as much time thinking about a qualified replacement as he did imagining a 'Dear Zell' column.

* * *

She stared out the window with a sheet wrapped loosely around her. It wasn't expertly styled into a toga like those in the movies as that would involve way too much effort for this early in the morning. Maybe there should have been some attempt on her part, but it was taking what little coordination she could muster not to trip over her own feet.

These minutes needed to be about decompressing her thoughts - thankfully the solitude made it easier. She briefly flashed a smile as she reached for her coffee cup - it was one of those heavy-cardboard types. There would usually be a white sleeve around it, as the paper helped reduce the heat, but it seemed that either Zell forgot it or the Ragnarok didn't have all the creature comforts that her favorite chain coffee shop offered. She'd have to fill out a suggestion card and give it to hotel management, although she wouldn't forget to praise Laguna on the complimentary clothing. Rinoa chuckled to herself, realizing how easy it was to picture him running a hotel. No, not a hotel…more like a small bed and breakfast in Winhill or, with a very little prodding, maybe even in Timber.

Okay, maybe her idea was…well, in theory, "Laguna's B &amp; B" seemed decent enough, but reality was far more complicated. Still, good or bad, it was a plan and if this whole President thing fell through, it was a backup. The funny part was she was only partially kidding about that – seriously, the whole idea was easy to picture – either that or she'd 'change the names to protect the innocent' and pitch the idea to a television network. Seriously, there was half-hour comedy idea in there somewhere.

…And, above all, Laguna seemed like a guy who should have his own catchy theme song.

She glanced over to the box of clothing and saw _"L's"_ handwritten note sitting to the side. She wanted to make sure to take that. She couldn't explain but… it was just one of those little things. Who knows, maybe with his free time, Squall could start a scrapbook or, better yet, work at his father's fledgling hotel business and/or produce the sitcom pilot. This time, her laugh was out loud – _this_ was why nobody took her plans seriously anymore.

Still smiling, she looked outside, making it a point to appreciate the city. She'd seen a lot of skylines in the last week, each one beautiful, but not one paralleled what was before her. And even though Timber wasn't directly on the water like Fisherman's Horizon or didn't have the glass-and-mirrored skyscrapers like Esthar, to this day, it was the only place that had accepted her for her. She wasn't the General's daughter, the Commander's girlfriend, the outsider, or the sorceress. She was just Rinoa.

It was more than a working-class, blue-collar city as most aboard the Ragnarok would label it – it was home. Timber represented everything beautiful in the world, yet everything equally as ugly. But, maybe that's why she started working for its government. She saw how wonderful it could be – she wanted to share it with others, one white-lighted tree at time.

That lead to an almost surreal moment; she saw herself standing in the present, watching glimpses of their future, and fragments of her past.

There was something else that Timber was right now, the first glimpse of life outside the self-contained bubble she and Squall created. Again, surreal in its own right. It had been a support system of friends and family…and, well, whatever Lauren was. Personally, she had loved their time together but, by their very nature, bubbles weren't meant to last – and neither was this.

Today, it would all pop – and that thought was terrifying.

They were living a life that had been a representation of either of theirs; Squall was always there because he _had to be_. Those hours of late night work? Yeah, she was not only there by his side, but working with him as an equal. Once she left this room, not one person on this ship would consider her an equal – Squall included, she feared. He'd quickly fall into old roles – it was his nature to protect her, even when she didn't need it. Then again, she was stubborn; he wouldn't like her ideas today, but she'd make him listen – she had her role too.

Setting her cup down, it was time to face the day. However, before waging war with all things SeeD, not to mention waging war with the water-temperature-challenged shower, there was one more thing she had to do – take a page from her younger self's book.

Her earlier mistake had _almost_ cost them everything and she'd be damned if she'd be so careless a second time. So, she scoured the small quarters, searching for anything that would prove useful. She and Squall hadn't packed much and, what they had was useless in this case. As a latch-ditch effort, she went into the bathroom and opened every drawer and closet, searching every nook and cranny. There was one place she hadn't tried, only because it was so ridiculously high. Apparently, whoever designed the Ragnarok was part Iron Giant or something as there was no other logical explanation to put a cabinet so high – unless the structural engineers _really_ held a grudge against people that they considered short…defined as anyone smaller than an Iron Giant.

Thinking about it realistically, this _could have_ waited until she joined up with Squall, but it had become a quest now. This wasn't about taking the easy way out, it was about taking the Rinoa way out – which was often twisted and complicated and far more effort than its worth…but she figured that she'd stick with what she knew. It worked out in the past…well, sort of.

And really, it was best because if she waited until she got into the crew room, it would likely garner more unneeded attention. As it stood now, she already expected to be one of the main attractions in SeeD's little three ring circus. Kidding aside, she was terrified to walk into that room. It made her wonder how many of the SeeDs would honestly believe that their commander would've been better off dead than back with her, never mind dragging the idea of marriage into it.

That's why this quest was small, but important. She wasn't going to wear her ring after the episode with Sirtis, but she wasn't going to go without it either.

And so, there was only one thing she could think to do – earn some life experience and follow through, even if that meant checking the Iron Giant cabinet. Looking around, it became clear that this would require a little bit of finesse. Closing the toilet lid, it became her makeshift stepping stool. From there, she leaned over, placing one foot on the sink to anchor herself before climbing onto the sink. Seriously, she and an Esthar engineer or two were going to have a little sit-down after this – she wanted to explain words like 'practical' to whatever genius thought this qualified as a good idea. Then again, maybe she was the one that needed a little sit-down with common sense, because doing this at all, let alone while wrapped in a sheet, was about as intelligent and dangerous as putting a bracelet on a sorceress.

Bad ideas aside, it took a little stretching and a lot of balancing, but she managed to get the door open. At that point, it was going to take even more faith as she couldn't actually see where she was sticking her hand; for all she knew, she was about to get up-close-and-personal with an ungrounded wire or, far worse, stick her hand into a nest of killer space spiders who yearned for the taste of human flesh… Yeah…that was the wake-up call she needed to stop watching those ridiculous low budget sci-fi movies as they were slowly eating away at her brain like zombies.

Or wait, zombie space spiders…? Was that that brilliant or just hackneyed? Maybe she should run with that instead - ditch her network-comedy for a screenplay. If Zell was any indicator, there was a sci-fi market for that. Seriously, most people in her position would've been more concerned about losing their balance and being knocked down to the ground – and yet all she could think about was writing the next low-budget flick – lest she not forget the possibility of the not-so-dormant-anymore space arachnids attacking.

Placing those career ambitions on hold, she took a deep breath as she rose on her tip-toes. Doing her best to feel around, she found what appeared to be some leftover items from construction. Grabbing what she could manage, she pulled out a handful of scraps - one of those appeared to be the decent length of green wire. Perfect. Rinoa tossed the other things back in, quickly closing the door behind her. It seemed like common courtesy after all; leave something for the next quest-seeker as there's nothing like getting to a rogue treasure chest only to discover someone before you had completely looted it.

As she slowly finagled herself off the sink, she couldn't shake that lingering feeling of ghost spiders crawling all over her body. Her subconscious finally won that battle as she made a visual check. Once she was satisfied, she washed her hands before taking a seat on the still-closed toilet.

Holding her hand out, she looked down to see the silver band one last time…rather, one last time _for now_ \- it _would_ be back. She hadn't worn the ring long, but it had become a part of who she was just that quickly. It was a hell of a lot harder than she thought but, she was able to remove it. Holding onto to it, she closed her eyes. She needed to stop this; her mind was somehow making it into something it wasn't. It wasn't an ending; they were still married, he still loved her – absolutely nothing was changing but the placement of a piece of silver.

She needed the ring; she_ needed_ the strength derived from it. Very soon, she'd meet up with everyone and then it would take all she had to plead her case about being the one to speak with Zone. Nobody else would get the true answers, it had to be her.

Channeling a bit of her teenage self, she recalled how her mother's ring had been a part of her then. So, she took the wire, sliding the wedding band onto it before placing it around her neck. She stood to use the mirror as a guide, making the wire into a makeshift chain, twisting it so it wouldn't fall apart. After a few firm tugs later, she was convinced it wasn't going anywhere. The wire wasn't exactly comfort-friendly, but that thought never entered her mind as she placed it under her shirt. Rinoa made a conscious decision to wear her hair down to help hide any traces of the wire.

And while the ring couldn't be seen, it certainly could be felt.

* * *

Squall had found that he was having a difficult time.

This mission would be far from impossible, but there were certain times that it took longer to clear his head than others – today fell directly into the 'others' category. For those who knew the commander, this would seem out-of-character, but for those who _truly_ knew him – they would understand.

The weight that he always carried with him had multiplied over the last days - he slowly found himself folding under the weight. What was impossible to grasp was the emotional toll today would take on Rinoa and that was something he just couldn't get past. Before he walked out the door, his last statement to her wasn't, "I love you," but rather one of reassurance.

When he'd opened his eyes this morning, he had all the signs of an impending migraine. Technically, it was no longer impending, as it was clearly there…with a vengeance. Apparently, Squall's headaches valued punctuality as much as he normally did. The migraine had started to become unbearable during his shower as the pain settled directly behind his right eye. He found himself pressing gently on his eye to ease some of the pressure. It helped, albeit only slightly.

As he continued on, he realized what an odd sight this would be for any SeeD who might have crossed his path – their dead commander moving slower than a Caterchipillar, clutching his coffee cup with one hand, while the other one's palm pressed into his face. Maybe they'd just think he was some wretched ghost destined to walk the corridors eternally searching for coffee, aspirin, and a past love he'd found here – actually, that seemed aptly appropriate for him.

Then it dawned on him, this marked the first time he'd ever walked around the Ragnarok alone. Way back when, Rinoa had been behind him almost every step of the way –_ literally_. Then again, staying behind him wasn't something she limited to space. Plus, his friends were little to no help, once they realized how fun it was to play 'irritate the hell out of the commander' everyone joined the game. It had become a running joke. Thankfully, that childish follow-the-leader crap died a few seconds after Ultimecia did.

Still, Rinoa's extreme-closeness in space went overboard, even for her. On the Ragnarok, it wasn't about how many _feet_ she was behind him, it was about how many _inches _she was behind. He remembered asking himself the question 'was Rinoa _just that terrified_ or _just that bold_?' She had practically been on top of him at times, or so it conveniently seemed in his teenage mind. His head was already swirling with a million questions from being in space, unfortunately, being around her led to a million new ones. He couldn't stop to think about any of those for too long, or decide if he found her actions quirky, cute, or creepy – although he probably would've gone with all three.

As far as quirky, she had the market cornered on that. Even before they'd made contact with mission control, most of his contemplation had been done in silence…Rinoa, not so much. Since he didn't feel the need to talk, she tried to make the most of the hand she'd been given. That's why he'd sometimes overhear conversations between his future wife and, well, _anything_. From talks with her Shooting Star, to the Propagators, and even the Ragnarok itself – thankfully, it all had remained one-sided. Years later, when Squall understood her better, he realized that her seemingly quirky conversations - and even staying close – was the only way she had to work through her fears.

…Wow. Had he really, really repressed all of this?

Actually, by the time they were dropping out of orbit, he had purposely tried to forget it all; it was what SeeD had instilled in them, don't let the mission become personal; moreover, don't let the clientele become personal and, in all honesty, he had been struggling with both. Sadly, that brought back even more.

He'd never talked about any of that with her, although it was said in passing to a therapist who had told him not to read much into thoughts, given their unlikely situation. Rinoa had been his shadow and it grated on his nerves to the point where it was almost creepy. When he felt someone's breath on the back of his neck, there had been times, that when he turned around, he would've preferred to be face-to-face with a Propagator. Monsters didn't play games, nor were they responsible for making him question everything he'd been taught.

There had been a brief, _very brief,_ period during the Propagator hunt that he mentally called Rinoa the blue Propagator, noting that color had been conveniently absent. He felt horrible about it now, hell, he felt horrible about it then - he just didn't understand at the time. To him, she was always just there, to the point where he joked about searching for her matching pair. Now, he understood why he never did discover her color-coordinated mate – turned out he was the other blue Propagator all along.

Yeah...somehow, that thought could've been far more romantic and far less creepy.

Like what he'd remembered about her talking in battle and having conversations with whatever happened to catch her eye. To be completely fair, that habit wasn't limited to battle. She would speak to herself, sometimes it was full-out, sometimes it was nothing louder than a mumble, but she often randomly narrated or spoke as a form of encouragement. There was one time that really stood out. The entire group stopped at the Island Closest to Heaven to stock up on some much-needed spells.

His team had consisted of Irvine and Rinoa and it hadn't taken long to cross paths with a Ruby Dragon. Logistically, Quistis always had a plan and Squall usually deferred to her on magical support. So, to strengthen them as a whole, she wanted everyone to draw as many Meteor spells as possible.

…And goddamn it, he _hated_ the monotony of drawing spells. It was far too much down-time and not anything that even remotely came close to action. It was seriously taking for-fucking-ever, as in he was positive this bullshit had been going on for nearly three days yet, according to the watch that greatly mocked him, it had been less than two hours.

That day, well, was to blunt – it was shit.

Not to mention, it was looking to be one of the hottest days on record, which wasn't based on Squall's bad guesstimating skills; it was based on the words of an Estharian meteorologist and their professionally-bad guesstimating skills. Of course, heat heightened everybody's irritability, especially those who unwisely decided to wear leather.

If the day hadn't been bad enough, each time one of their trio stepped forward, Rinoa said 'draw' under her breath. Maybe 'Rinoa-logic' believed that somehow saying it aloud increased the draw success rate; in reality, all it did was increase the likelihood of Squall whacking her with a good ol' fashioned Silence spell. The worst part of her redundant narrating? Although it heavily grated on the single nerve he had left, inexplicably somewhere along the line, he began to find it endearing. The worst-worst part about it? He mentally started saying it too.

It was hard to believe that was over ten years ago. He wondered if her fighting style had matured with time, or if she still redundantly whispered everything she did. He was looking forward to finding out. Of course, they may train in the future, but he guessed the monster killing would be sparse. Once he moved to Timber, Squall would consider himself retired from the _'saving the world from the evil, lunatic, world-dominating sorceress'_ thing. From there on out, it would be more like _'saving the screaming, panicked sorceress from the house-dominating spider' _thing.

After thinking about everything, he thought it best to re-repress pretty much the entirety of this morning's thoughts. However, it was even better to never, _ever_ tell his wife. New data indicated that female blue Propagators typically held grudges for far longer than the lifespan of the blue males.

Still, there was something to be gained from these memories. Squall realized that Rinoa's speaking had been her version of a coping mechanism, just as silence had been his. Most breakthroughs weren't immediate and, in his case, it needed time, distance, and multiple sessions with a therapist. While his speaking and her silence had always seemed contradictory traits, he believed the came from the same root – being alone. During his childhood, he found himself by himself far more than with others. Although his isolation was often self-imposed, his actions spoke of something far deeper. In a crowd of thousands, he'd still feel entire alone. Rinoa was different; her isolation was most likely a product of Caraway's strict ideals. She'd been taught by tutors at first, sometimes going weeks without seeing other children. Speaking to herself or for others had become her outlet for handling fear. It was about voiding the silence, filling nothingness with life to combat the loneliness.

After living all these years seeing through a cocktail mixed with pain and denial, it was sobering the way everything cleared so suddenly. It was as though the bullet had found a way to loosen these memories from his psyche. It had only been the major ones at first but, once he opened his mind, the flow had been impossible to control — especially with outside influences like the Ragnarok speeding up the process greatly.

He took another swig of coffee, hoping that it would help alleviate the constant pounding. He and Lauren had actually had several discussions on that matter; caffeine often gave her headaches, while it often helped alleviate his - maybe that should've been a huge clue that their relationship had been destined to fail…well, that and basic common sense.

As Squall turned onto another narrow corridor, he continued to marvel at how much the Ragnarok had changed. Several of the large, open areas had now been re-purposed. It seemed like it would've been easier to build a second ship, but he could appreciate the sentimental value – it played a significant role in Esthar's history after Adel's reign.

Maybe there was a parallel in here, even though the relationship took work, it was better to rebuild his future with Rinoa than to start fresh. He would say they they'd changed as individuals, but they hadn't – they'd grown as individuals. To him, saying people change conjured up imagery of human-sized chameleons camouflaging themselves, depending on a particular situation – an analogy he'd blame on spending time with Zell. But 'grow' embodied a sense of maturity. For that analogy he thought of a tree - to one borrow Sirtis' obsession of choice. As the tree matured from a sapling, it never hid, or disguised itself; to survive, it always gave with the wind, never defied it.

Even with the headache, he managed to smirk. Serious tree metaphors aside, it dawned on him how interesting Rinoa's life would be now if she hadn't outgrown her 'talking herself through work' habit. There she'd be behind her desk in Timber, commenting on the enthralling world of paperwork –

"_Pick up stapler. Pick up papers. Press to staple together. Now staple, staple, and then staple again. Repeat." _

All the while, some poor high school intern would be sitting across from her with a horrified expression, unsure whether to ignore her or ask if she was all right.

But in any event, he'd call it a victory that she still didn't insist on walking a few steps behind him at any given time to spare the ensuing awkwardness.

Then again, if Squall wanted to be all technical about all this, the _'Rinoa following him closely and being his shadow'_ thing… it could be argued that it was actually his fault to begin with.

Because once upon a time, he told her to 'stay close.'

…And well, she _did_.

Squall often referenced that particular trait as Rinoa's 'selective hearing.' Of all the things he or the other SeeDs had ever suggested or recommended for their then-client to do – or preferably _not_ do - _that_ had been the one piece of advice that she'd taken to heart. To be honest, he wasn't being serious at the time, far from it. The statement had been entirely tongue-in-cheek; when he'd said to 'stay close' she was _literally _hanging on his arm – thus cementing his theory that 'personal boundaries' was a concept entirely foreign to her. Seriously, how could she not get the fact she was already _staying close_?

Unfortunately, for both Squall and his personal space, Rinoa didn't understand his sarcasm. He'd admit that his delivery could be considered deadpan but, dry humor or not, he thought the obvious _shouldn't _need explaining. It would've been akin to him telling teenage-Zell that "if he'd shown more outward enthusiasm about hotdogs, the cafeteria lady would see how he loved them, and would stock more." In both cases, it was about pointing out the obvious and, yes, even judging them slightly in the process.

In hindsight, maybe people were just so shocked that he had opinions that they took whatever he'd said as an honest suggestion. Rinoa did; she took the words at face value and ran with them, or rather stayed close with them but, in the end, the joke was on him. Somewhere along the line, when he was too busy wryly pointing out the obvious, it was no longer a flippant response, but the truth. The universe had its own sardonic sense of humor as he ended up falling in love with the girl who just 'stayed close to him.'

Even if that turned out for the absolute best, it demonstrated how her selective hearing worked. During the Ultimecia conflict, he and the others often gave her advice, but what she decided to get out of their words – that was an entirely-different story. Another prime example - Quistis told her to stay in Caraway's place and Rinoa heard, "Stay in Caraway's place _just long enough, then go face the sorceress completely alone._" And that one, while not the absolute worst, didn't turn out for the absolute best.

That's why this morning he hoped that Rinoa's 'selective hearing' had the 'hearing' part outweigh the 'selective.' Just like in the past, sometimes the words themselves tripped them up. Because of that, Rinoa often understood what he didn't say more than what he did. Unfortunately, communication had always been hit or miss with them - one extreme to the other – but lately they'd hit a comfortable stride.

Maybe it was a mixture of time, maturity, and life experience, but he'd found they'd been far more in sync. He'd even bet a year's salary that, sometime after he left this morning, she felt the need to say she loved him out loud. It was an affirmation she still needed, plus it could be considered a throwback to her need to speak to random, inanimate objects, for example, the back of a door…maturity did have its limits, thankfully.

He really did have a better understanding of her – something his teenage self couldn't do and, in truth, often had no desire to do. For Rinoa, love had always been the easy part, but completely believing in herself? That was the challenge. Squall had come to believe it was due to an inner struggle that had developed during childhood. Rinoa's self-esteem was shattered the day her mother passed away. Caraway had always been disappointed in her and, even after she left, there was a part of those insecurities that never faded. She questioned herself, her abilities, and somehow had gotten it into her head that she needed to fight beside others. In her heart, she often reverted back to that scared child seeking approval, but she was far stronger than any of that – her actions over the last years proved exactly that.

He just wanted her to see herself as the woman he saw.

Maybe that's why part of him wanted to rush back to their room and make sure that she _truly_ understood. Then again, while all that was absolute truth, maybe he was looking for excuses to go back. Doctors supposedly made the worst patients and, apparently, the same case could be made for commanders when they, themselves, were the mission. And while he hadn't exactly stopped to smell the proverbial roses, he'd uncharacteristically challenged his inner-Zell – stopping to admire the Ragnarok's sparkly-new technology. Nothing started the day off like the whiff of partial cannons, the fresh aroma of coffee, and the stench of procrastination.

To be honest, he wasn't doing well; maybe he should've taken his own advice and believed in his inner strength. This was more than a migraine; that only served as a prelude to whatever came next – from panic attacks to full-on blackouts. He knew the signs. Earlier, he had smiled as some long-forgotten memories returned but he needed more than that this time.

It was about decompressing his thoughts to make sense of them. After deconstruction, he'd rebuild, placing them back into a clear, concise order. He'd once outlined this process to one of his therapists, although at the time it was considered a necessary evil - if he'd refused to open up, even about the smallest detail, he'd be stuck in those sessions forever.

"_Finds order in chaos_."

The doctor scribbled it down under the 'signs patient exhibited' heading. Squall never did know how to interpret the meaning – was it considered it a positive or negative? It was never directly mentioned again, at least in those words. However, Garden's version of 'discussion' often left room for interpretation. As, shortly thereafter, some overhyped guru-type specialist had been brought in from the Shumi Village to teach him some meditation techniques passed down from ancient Centra. Seriously, Squall thought it was an unfunny joke at first. Surely, the Shumis would've had their own teachings? Why rely on an extinct culture that basically imploded on itself? Squall would've liked to point out the obvious irony; if Centra had better meditative techniques they'd have calmed down rather than self-destructing, virtually wiping themselves off of the face of the planet. Unfortunately, using that logic would've only reflected on his mental state, so he just shut up and played along like a good little soldier.

It wasn't like grasping at straws had been anything new for the headmaster or Garden. They had tried to convince Squall that he was not at fault; however, that was smoke at mirrors for the true message they ingrained within him – it was in no way, shape, or form Garden's fault. Instead, they transferred blame onto anything that seemed plausible – such as his relationships with his estranged father, the sorceress using guilt as a weapon to make him her knight, his childhood at the orphanage, his friends pressuring him to fit in, hell, even the turkey sandwich he had for lunch.

And truthfully, Squall blamed Laguna for a lot of his things, but not that. Nor did he blame his friends, his childhood…but the Rinoa thing. He _knew _it wasn't right, he _knew_ there was no pressure, he _knew_ but…

Squall would never forget a conversation he'd overheard between the headmaster and the Shumi. The words would trouble him, but the meaning would haunt him. Cid stated that Squall's "slight lapse of judgment was likely due to incorrect meditation techniques." It wasn't a 'slight' lapse of judgment; it was multiple counts of manslaughter. It made him ill, even then, but he'd been too far deep in their bullshit to stand up to them and, quite honestly, he could barely stand up to himself.

Speaking of which, it was happening again…_not again_… he could feel himself falling back there again, into that place…_so long_…it had been so long.

With every lie Squall had gone along with, willingly or not, Garden had taken another sliver of his humanity.

With a single call, a single lie unraveling - the future that he wanted so badly could be whisked from under him. It's where his conscience fought from within; he shouldn't be free, he should be punished, but this facade, it had become his truth. Garden found it easy to draw the line on blame. Squall couldn't – so many factors, so many faults, so much blame, but it had all been destroyed as easily as the bodies had.

For years, he'd resided to the fact he'd accept his fate, no matter what. If one day he found himself in prison, he'd never look back. But now, now he had a future, one that Garden could steal. They couldn't; he convinced himself, they were in just as deep, if not deeper. Still, there was a part of him that realized that after today, they could come after him. That's why this mission ending had become terrifying. Those higher up in Garden could be vindictive.

The more he thought about it, the more he found the tightening in his chest increasing. With every breath, he realized that he was still too far twisted in their bullshit to ever be completely free.

His fate, Rinoa's fate – they'd never truly be on their own. Garden would always have a hold over him.

If the phone rang, if someone knocked – every time Squall woke up, he'd wonder if today was the day…No, he was doing this to himself again, overthinking the worst. _Breathe._

These attacks had become practically nonexistent in recent years and, on a day that required mental strength, he couldn't bring weakness. Rinoa didn't deserve this; she needed a goddamned knight, not to be saddled with the court jester. If this had been three weeks ago, he knew Cid would take great measures to remove him from the situation. The headmaster referred to it as their 'contingency plan,' but Squall referred to it as 'hiding Garden's dirty little secret.' On far too many occasions, he'd find himself isolated in his apartment, the infirmary or, in extreme cases, an on-call facility in Balamb.

…But it had been years, _fucking years_,since he'd had an episode but, maybe it made sense, it had been years since he allowed himself to feel. As the doctors had been quick to point out – to open himself up emotionally was inviting in a certain degree of vulnerability. Those therapists and counselors pulled everything out of their bag-of-tricks to convince him that the positives of allowing people in far outweighed the negatives. Funny thing, his friends had shoved a near-identical speech down his throat years before – without the pompous degrees and accolades plastered on the walls.

But, they'd been right, both his friends and the doctors – yeah, he'd give them that one.

Then again, maybe they were right on the meditation and breathing techniques too. It would never be a cure-all, but Squall was mentally stronger now, even if he'd sometimes take a mental stumble. It seemed that his best chance of making it through this was using all those remedies he'd openly scoffed at. During his treatment, it was easy to become jaded - nothing worked because he didn't want it to – at least, at first. If he sobered up, the pain may consume him – for far too long it was easier to live in a mental haze. It had been so goddamn tiring. Around every corner, someone promised a miracle and, behind every door, was a doctor Garden sent with a new _and better_ treatment. Squall had become the flavor of the week to the field of psychiatry and all he wanted was to be left to his own screwed-up devices.

For supposed geniuses, he thought those doctors asinine fools. Hell, when Odine started looking like a saint with scruples, Squall knew he was treading in dangerous waters. Those people couldn't even relate on a most basic levels; back then, he wasn't looking for someone to save him, someone had tried that once – it didn't end well. Then there were those times equally as dark where he wanted to break his self-imposed silence and scream to everyone the thoughts in his head; he wanted to shock those on the board that governed the Garden System – to have them see the dark and twisted place he lived, no thanks to them. He wanted to see their faces as he'd tell them there were times he'd wished Ultimecia had won, and that none of this would exist.

In those months after Rinoa left, it became about punishing himself; he wanted to find a punishment that would fit all his crimes, not some school-age punishment doled out by the Disciplinary Committee. He'd gotten to a point where he craved the pain; it was the only reminder he had that he was alive and two innocent SeeDs weren't. Then, he spiraled, it became about more than any physical pain - broken bones mended and skin could be stitched. He needed those things that would never heal, the emotional scars that he'd carry to the grave – which he would've accepted sooner rather than later. But, he'd never purposely search out death – far too easy. Instead, it became a sick game as balancing that fine line of self-loathing and desperation, all while discovering his body and psyche's emotional and physical limits.

The doctors didn't realize how fucked up he was, neither did his friends. It seemed SeeD and Garden were doing their best to cover his tracks – sending him on long term 'missions.' Maybe that was it too – some part of him wanted SeeD to yell at him, to show that they cared, even by threatening him – to have them draw a line in the sand instead of going around behind him, paying to cover up the fact the line ever existed. He wasn't only testing his own limits he was testing theirs – it turned out, his celebrity outweighed everything. He could get away with anything, even murder.

That's exactly why he resisted any help at first. It's also why he had to let those demons run their course. He had to hit bottom before he'd allow anyone to help.

Even after he was able to maintain his sobriety, he didn't recall much from those early sessions, aside for the fact that…well, basically he could say those early meetings 'didn't end well.' After the initial period of resistance, he'd been broken enough to agree to their plan. One morning, amid the trash and insect-infested alleys, there was this brief instant of clarity – he remembered what life could be like. He knew he'd never have that again, but he wanted something. For a man who had everything, he also had nothing. The uniform had been the only defining factor between him and a homeless man sleeping on the streets. Gradually, he began following the steps they'd laid out, barring a few setbacks here and there. Even though he did what they asked, he believed that most of the programs were utter bullshit. More than once, he'd walked out of the office and then straight out of Garden. He'd be gone for hours, days or, a couple of times - even weeks, but he'd always come back.

Once he hit bottom, there was only one reason he returned – _hope._

Hope had carried him when he'd been too far gone to stand. Somewhere along that dark path, he learned that hope had been the only emotion he possessed that came close to rivaling that of love. Until a few days ago, he'd never talked about his sessions and what he'd experienced, not even with the headmaster – _especially_ not him. At least it was classified but, in a field where intelligence was a highly-sought commodity, 'confidential' and 'top secret' were merely labels. Files existed. They always would as not even Garden had that much influence. But Cid used every weapon in his arsenal to protect the SeeD Commander, although the headmaster's intent wasn't exactly black and white. In reality, it was a case of dominoes – if one fell, the next would follow – from those at the bottom, such as the person who blacked out documents, to the top –including the headmasters of all three Gardens.

Under normal circumstances, Garden believed that complete documentation was their single-biggest asset to success - ergo, they demanded thorough records at every level. From junior cadets to senior instructors, SeeD drilled these beliefs at its core. Every mission and incident in their history had in-depth reports and post analysis, every mission but _one_.

Garden covered facts by creating more 'believable' facts - lies begat lies, questions bred suspicion, and then the truth became doubt.

Only information that had been deemed absolutely essential was transcribed into those reports. Any document or the like was then subsequently encoded. As a secondary level of precaution, all pertinent information had been encrypted before the original transcription. Any subjects involved, locations, or specifics were already coded before the first transcription. So, before the information left Cid's desk, the false details were already embedded – Squall Leonhart was no longer on a mission that day, but rather Thomas Kindle — a third year, A-Rank SeeD.

Thomas Kindle was an actual SeeD at Garden, or at least, he had been, _past tense_. On holiday in Dollet, he'd gone off the side of a cliff – news that would eventually make the headmaster smile immediately upon hearing it. That alone should've spoken to the mindset of Garden, especially the headmaster, a man whose life once revolved around giving unwanted children a loving home. Like Squall, Cid Kramer was merely the shell of the man that he'd used to be. Even still, Squall never doubted that Cid cared about him and his friends, they were 'his' children after all, but the man running SeeD was far from the person who created it. This Cid had been happier that, through an act of happenstance, the perfect scapegoat had been landed directly in their lap rather than mourning a twenty-one year old man and his friend who died because a truck driver fell asleep after a twenty-one hour shift. All three died instantly.

After a while, all SeeDs were just statistics anyhow, right?

Statistics like how Garden feigned outrage about a truck driver being overworked, killing two innocent people – they were too damn cocky to look in the fucking mirror. Squall had been gone nearly three days, save the false indignation for another cause.

To them, Kindle's timing was the gift Garden's needed as it was exactly two days after things went to hell in Esthar. Obviously, if the first level of security failed and his name decoded, he couldn't talk if confronted. It was made to appear as though the stress had been so overwhelming that he'd gone away for the weekend. His alcohol level was a likely factor in the accident too – as he couldn't react fast enough; alcohol he'd consumed when the guilt of being responsible for two SeeDs became too much. The irony from all of this should've been enough to make Squall realize how far they'd all fallen. But he didn't do a thing - not a goddamn thing.

The falsified story was their failsafe; if it was deciphered, Garden had found their patsy. It didn't matter that the memory and reputation of a good SeeD would've been forever tarnished. Squall had asked about just that, call it a brief moment of conscience back then, and the answer he received felt as cold as a Trabian snowfield.

"_It is unfortunate that Thomas Kindle would become collateral damage, but it's for a greater cause_."

Cid had recited those words as if he'd been reading a script, detached and void of any discernible emotion. However, the response given by Galbadia's headmaster was something Squall would never forget. He was smiling; the fucking prick was smiling and drinking a glass of lemonade.

He looked Squall directly in the eyes and said, "Lad, you should be thanking Hyne that the truck driver didn't survive. It's not costing Garden money to pay for his silence, which often ends badly when they hit a rough patch in life and think we're a goddamn bank not a business. It's a lot less messy this way. But if you're worried about his wife, great news – the guy was basically a crispy critter – instant cremation. So, she lucked out too, saving thousands of Gil on burial costs. So, think of it this way, we're all winners here."

Two of the men laughed, _they fucking laughed_ as they made a mock toast with the lemonade glasses. Not Cid, he just sat there, even he wasn't that callous, but Squall stood there, doing what he'd end up doing best – saying nothing.

That conversation would end up replaying in his head; eventually, he'd start downing shots to try to wipe it from his memory. Moreover, wipe the fact that he just stood there like a fucking coward. It was one of those things that would haunt Squall; no amount of talking to therapists would even begin to scratch the surface. What scared him most? Well, besides their flippant behavior, was how easily the lies came. It made him sick.

…In Squall's mind, he'd always be responsible for three deaths – two by his hand, one by his actions. Of course, Squall hadn't killed Thomas Kindle, but he had killed the memory of a good SeeD. He was never a standout recruit, but he had made it in SeeD. He was, in all accounts, ordinary – yet he was a person with a fiancé who worked at a bank, and a man who loved to golf. Now, because of Squall, he would be known as the guy whose careless actions were deadly.

So, when the final report from the Dollet highway patrol came out, there was not one mention of the tired truck driver, but only about the mass quantities of alcohol consumed by Kindle. In reality, he hadn't had one sip, but now – he'd been at fault. The day the report came out – it wasn't alcohol Squall had that night. He didn't remember anything after that – for two days.

Garden implicitly told him never to discuss Thomas Kindle. _Ever._ Even in his theory and counseling sessions. It was funny, Garden wanted him to get better – they wanted their favorite plaything back in the field - but they constantly tried to censor what he was allowed to say. Looking back now, maybe it the first non-cowardly thing Squall did; maybe it was the only recourse he had, but he did talk about Kindle.

Not at first, but eventually. Even then, Squall had gone out of the way not to personalize them. He could say he did learn something from the Garden higher-ups. Unfortunately, that was something that hadn't changed, as he rarely referred to them by name. The ones in Esthar had simply become '_the_ _SeeDs_' in his mind. By the urging of his therapist, he did go to their graves…once. He'd once thought they had family, but then he wasn't sure – conflicting sources. He never found out. He never wanted to know. Still, Squall paid someone to plant flowers and care for their plots. The man he'd hired thought Squall was their relative and he never corrected him. Maybe he should have; it would be pretty twisted to have the killer say he was related.

None of these things were easy for him, not then, not now; he spent a lifetime distancing himself from loss. Three years ago, he had a minor breakthrough and willingly started going to Raine's grave yearly to plant flowers. This year, he thought of adding another stop, not paying someone else to do it. If he truly did want to remember their lives, it was time to start humanizing them.

The first step in humanizing them was remembering them by name. Haley and Caleb…two amazing SeeDs, two amazing people. She liked cats, he collected superhero action figures. That's really all he knew. Maybe in that time together, he should've listened more.

All those earlier lighthearted thoughts about Rinoa had faded; he felt that all-too-familiar tightness in his chest, followed by a wave of nausea. He tried to ball his fists, but he didn't even have the muscle control. The coffee cup fell from his hands, bouncing a few times while the liquid fanned out everywhere. He should've cared, but he didn't. Not right now.

They'd never clear him for duty like this; so he found himself using one of the breathing techniques that had been taught to him. If he wanted to be there for her today, he couldn't let this have him – he was already armed with the tools and the ability. He also had the two most important things going for his future – Rinoa and hope - both of them meant the world.

_Breathe…just breathe. _


	35. This Side of Paradise and The Vengeance Factor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to leave a quick note here - October 10th, 2014 marked the 10 year anniversary of "After the Fall." Originally, I chose October 10th as it was my daughter's birthday - figured I'd always remember the date. Ashley was six years old when I began - now she is sixteen and, even if I finished within the next few months, by the time the final word is written, she'll be driving. Of course, this alone is a terrifying thought...so for my own sanity as a mother (she's my youngest of two) we won't mention this again. To me, she'll always be that six year old, falling asleep with stuffed Cactuar in hand and the only thing she'll 'drive' is the electric Power Wheel Jeep she 'inherited' from her then seven-year-old brother.
> 
> As for the story itself, we'll just pretend it's some sort of major accomplishment that I stuck with it. In total it will have 95 chapters, over 600k words, and been written over the span of a decade...but again, I never gave up, so we're going with 'positive' thing. :p

 

* * *

_ **_**Chapter Eighty-Nine: This Side of Paradise**_  
** _

* * *

For the last few weeks, his life made sense and, by all accounts, it _shouldn't have_. He'd never been happier; then again, he'd made a reputation by living life outside the status quo. But now, that security was being ripped away. He feared the toxic environment that would surround him back at Garden. More than that, he feared the constant barrage of questions. The ones regarding his current mission, those were the easy ones, but the ones his friends would have...the ones about his past actions, the ones about… No, he couldn't, not again… he had to remember to breathe.

As Squall felt his heartbeat course though his entire body, he knew that denying the truth led nowhere. This was the time he needed to regroup; most importantly, he needed to decompress under his own terms – remembering the key points to what the counselor told him in the past. He'd worked with one as an outpatient in Balamb; he liked her…well, 'liked her' only as much as he liked anyone in the field. They'd outlined the process, breaking it down into a series of steps - ones specifically designed to help him find _his _order among chaos. Compared to his method, this was simplified, stripped to its basics – basics that had proved most effective for him.

The list was straightforward - physical support, clearing his mind, owning his actions, finding the root and, most importantly, remembering to _breathe_. The last one sounded absurd, but during a crisis it was often the easiest things that became the most difficult. It's also why 'finding physical support' was first; in case someone (as in himself) became unable to continue under his own volition. The only world he'd ever known was one dominated by 'what ifs.' No matter how brave or invincible SeeDs appeared to civilians, safety was always at the forefront (…in theory.) That's why he purposely placed it at the front of his list. For now, he remained supported by the nearest wall; truthfully, it didn't meet the qualifications, but he'd consider this a work in progress (…_and breathe_).

Next, it was about clearing his mind; any perceived ideas, thoughts, or notions weren't important. Unless it was an emergency, whatever was going on around him wasn't important. Closing his eyes, he took take a deep, cleansing breath…and then, he took another (no boundaries – whatever was needed) Well, there was one guideline he'd created, they needed to be slow as not to hyperventilate (…again.). If he'd calmed enough; if he'd cleared his mind enough – _if and only if_ – he'd allowed himself to admit that these feelings were genuine and never, ever dismiss them as weakness…

He'd failed that step (…he'd never passed it. Ever.)

But, a failure there paved the way to succeeding the step - he owned his mistakes. He'd remind himself that it wasn't weakness, rather he'd been strong for so long, always for others - including the goddamned world as a whole – that he'd paid his dues and being human was never a weakness.

After that, it came to a final step – identifying the root of the problem, what was triggering this episode? In a way, that was easy – maybe a little too easy.

In one manifestation or another, it often looped back to a single concept – one born from a child inwardly internalizing his feelings about abandonment. He couldn't blame Cid and Edea; he was one of many children – children that had all suffered the loss associated with war. If he'd been with guardians who'd had the means to help then maybe he would've spoken to a professional to help him cope – maybe his would've have been a completely different story. But the Kramers were young themselves and lived on a shoestring budget. There was no funding or aid; a war had just ended, the world had its own problems sifting through the aftermath. And to the Kramers, every child in their ward had suffered loss - some acted out, like Seifer, and then some withdrew, like Squall.

To an outsider, their system may have appeared flawed, but need often boiled down to a 'triage' system. Much of their efforts were focused on someone like Seifer who'd become physically aggressive towards the other children. They believed Squall would eventually grow out of his shell and one day he'd simply move on – it's what kids do, right? Looking back, he knew Edea wished they'd questioned his behavior, but Squall knew they did their best. They couldn't know the insecurities that were forming as it was a critical age of child development. Squall saw how the other kids were teased by one another and feared being called out, so he chose solitude over possible embarrassment, although this route rarely proved successful.

But that was only a portion of it. Once he enrolled in Garden, it got worse. So he hid behind his weapon and let his abilities speak for him. It worked…for awhile.

_Breathe._

But, there came a point where he couldn't hide, where he was called out to lead. He never asked for it, he would've been content just being the best damn SeeD he could be. Maybe, in the end…it wasn't about childhood or insecurities, maybe it was the fact that he wanted to please everybody. In the end, maybe the root of all his problems was a lot simpler than he realized – he couldn't say no. He had become a commander and a knight, both commitments he wasn't ready for, but he couldn't let anyone down. Maybe he'd been so afraid of what people thought, he couldn't disappoint them…until, well, he did. All of them.

Then he did something he would've never thought. Shaking and weak, he sat down. There was nobody around, nobody saw their commander like this…he should've done this from the start, but it was about appearances…afraid of appearing weak.

In that minute, he was weak and if someone saw him – for once, they'd see the truth.

As he sat there he realized, this wasn't as 'new' as he first thought. His acute anxiety had already manifested once before on this mission. No, this wasn't the nervousness he'd experienced when asking Rinoa to marry him or at the wedding, that was terrifying, but a normal sort of terrifying he guessed that many men experienced.

Today, this wasn't normal, it was debilitating. (…_Breathe_.)

However, once he sat down, it occurred to him that maybe it hadn't been the 'years' he first thought since an attack; no, it was nowhere near the same, but it could've been. He'd felt something similar on this mission, but again to a much lesser degree. The three of them were on the bridge, driving towards Esthar City. It was while crossing that final leg between Fisherman's Horizon and Esthar's mainland. With every passing minute, they'd grown closer to the place he'd spent his later years actively avoiding. It scared the hell out of him; he feared what would happen to his mental state once he returned to the place it all started. Somewhere between his fears and monotony of the endless water…he'd almost lost.

…Yet, there was something keeping him grounding; somehow, he'd managed to hold himself together. Just like how he was sitting now, he sat not long ago in a beanbag and while there was a part of him that was ashamed, he never tried to hide it from Rinoa or Zell. They saw him; they knew exactly what was happening and never judged him. He wasn't hiding his past or his mistakes; instead, he was doing his best to work through them. Honestly, for the first time, he'd been with two people who knew him and instead of hiding, he allowed them in. He wasn't afraid of what they'd think.

But that was Zell and Rinoa. Zell was…well, often the butt of jokes, but he was so much more. He took life in stride, finding a way to roll with whatever was thrown his way. Out of all his friends, Zell was easily the one who wouldn't hold the past against him. A few of the others may take it more personally and feel hurt that Squall had kept it from them.

Squall was smart at least when it came these issues; he had fairly decent idea of the questions he'd face once he returned to Garden. Those were irrelevant; they'd be about his 'death' – they'd be questions he'd have answers for - if he cared enough to answer - but the ones from his friends? Those he feared.

They would ask him everything and anything, one or two didn't have much of a filter, it could be about the mission, Rinoa, or even the events of Esthar. He expected them to range from logically thought-provoking, to wholly inappropriate, and even a few that could only be classified as bizarrely-weird - in chronological order - Quistis, Irvine, and Selphie, of course.

So, when Quistis would pull him aside to ask him if his rash decisions could possibly be the result of some sort of emotional-rebound from his near-death experience. She'd try to tread carefully, questioning him not only about making major life-choices, but the fact that he'd made _multiple_ ones. In other words, she'd politely point out he's screwing up his life. But, he had answers for those questions, although likely not the answers she wanted – _**yes**_.

Yes, to each and every one of her concerns. He could try to argue, but he'd only be lying to himself and her. The truth was – his choices were rash. The action he took might've been too soon but, a more terrifying reality, his actions had almost been too late.

It may have taken far too many years and a bullet to realize, but he did realize – it's better to take a hundred chances than miss out on single one.

And that's exactly what he did. He stood, emotionally-exposed, on a rain-soaked patio; he made a rather impromptu "U" turn on his way to Fisherman's Horizon. He broke all the rules bringing a civilian in on a mission and, not only did he bring her in, he made her an equal. But most of all, he planned a spontaneous wedding and exchanged vows among Esthar's crystal skyscrapers. Each one of those, plus countless others, had all come down to a leap-of-faith. If he'd given into his fears on _even one,_ it would've changed the story of their lives. For once, instead of overthinking – they leaped. Quistis may not agree with his answer, in fact, he'd bet Gil that she wouldn't, but that was all right, it was the answer he had to give. It's the one he _wanted_ to give.

Irvine would ask about the honeymoon or other things, most likely doing with their situation and spending time in the van with Zell – that area was ripe with jokes. The fact that the most 'action' they had involved securing a microphone cable likely wouldn't be enough fodder for the cowboy. Squall could also bet Gil on Irvine that there'd be some major embellishment going on after he found the truth way too boring. As far as Selphie, all bets were off; he wouldn't even begin to imagine what went through her head.

The questions they'd have about his resignation or Rinoa, those were easy, if not a tad on the personal side. It's what would come next; it was about his fear of losing them. After celebrating the fact that he wasn't as dead as he'd let on, reality would set in. It was about the truth that he'd chosen to bury beneath more lies. He owed them the answers…but there was no guarantee how they'd respond.

What would they think of him? When they thought of him, what would they see first - a coldblooded killer or their childhood friend? Maybe, just_ maybe_, they could forgive what happened in Esthar, given his then state of mind, but the events that followed – those remained unforgivable.

_Breathe. _

He shouldn't be considered their leader, let alone a friend, he was their embarrassment. Not only did he shut them out, he lied by omission and allowed the person he loved, the person he'd taken an oath to protect, to take his fall. Not only once but, in a way, he'd betrayed them twice.

At the funeral, the lies perpetuated by Garden transferred onto her; their sins had forcibly become hers. The day she moved out of Balamb, Rinoa promised Cid that she'd keep his secret – a sacrifice to help Squall, not SeeD – _never SeeD_. But nobody considered all the possibilities, as neither Cid nor Rinoa foresaw that she'd ever walk through that front gate again.

Yet, there she was, backed into a figurative corner.

When they staged the funeral, Squall didn't think she'd show, _but he'd hoped_. It was for entirely selfish, self-serving reasons. He needed to see if _something_ was there, no matter how small – _anything_ would be enough. And as he sat there with his headphones on, listening to words that weren't meant to be heard by him, at least by a breathing him, he'd once again found that thing that eluded him for years - _hope_. However, Rinoa only found something different at the funeral, she found herself backed into a corner. Emotionally, she'd become trapped between the past and freeing herself from the lies. And while he sat in the surveillance van, clinging onto that small sliver of hope he'd found, she sat in tears on the floor of his apartment. She stared at his new life, the one she'd been systematically removed from – and the dam broke.

He never blamed her for telling their friends; rather, he blamed himself for being a fucking coward. Now his friends had to find a way to balance the mourning process with the resentment of being betrayed. Like Rinoa, the secrets were forced on them. It was typical, he 'dies' and there's Rinoa, cleaning up his mess. Even today, it scared him as she was far too positive a person to have been caught up with the likes of him. Eight years ago, he just didn't try to hurt her – he twisted her fears, accusing her of murder, and yet she freely shed tears for him.

Squall should make the history books – the only knight to fail in both life and death.

Fail? That word was far too tame; what he'd done was beyond fail. He was a travesty to all the knights who'd come before. He was calculating and spiteful, doing far more than simply destroy her heart and spirit. Theoretically, he'd fed her to the wolves, the sharks, and then topped it off with a goodbye kiss from a Malboro. Rinoa forgave him, although _how_ would always be a mystery. …But his friends? Even if they forgave him, their trust was fractured.

It went beyond their ties as SeeDs, which had their own code, but from their days at the orphanage. Childhood was only a foundation, but their bond was cemented by the blood spilled, the sweat of battle, and tears of both pain and joy; it was life and the constant reminders of death around them and all of it – _all of it_ – was held together by trust.

Trust in each other was the greatest weapon soldiers had on the battlefield; even in the barracks it was the glue that held the battalion together - he shattered it.

Rinoa may have suffered, but at least she'd known the truth. To them, that fact alone spoke volumes. Even today, she woke up in his arms, but his friends in Balamb – they woke up in the dark about everything. Yes, the lies had been necessary but, the moment he'd broken rank to contact an outsider, he'd compromised the core principles of SeeD.

_Breathe._

As he sat there, arms on his knees, head bowed, he felt like a fucking child as he reminded himself to take a breath. Maybe this was karma. Once he'd become aggravated as Rinoa decided to give the play-by-play of drawing magic; however, his narration wasn't cute or quirky, it was utterly humiliating. In that same breath, he also realized his need to let it go - anger was a major stressor and often intensified his attacks. He wasn't used to thinking about the positives, especially now. But even as he had to tell himself to exhale, he realized this had been the very first time he'd been able to identify the stressors.

For the first time ever, he wished that one of his doctors had been reachable. He'd call, but hearing from a dead man would probably prove counterproductive. On any other day, the fact he was willingly reaching out would be considered a life-changing breakthrough, but today it was likely to be one of many notable events. He made a promise to himself that on the day he returned, he'd call for an appointment. His doctors would likely think it was a prank call and he couldn't blame them. They would be shocked at how much he'd accomplished. He'd done a lot, which is why he couldn't be too upset with himself if he stumbled.

Hell, a year ago he wouldn't even think Rinoa's name. He'd improved and outwardly he probably came off as normal – he'd just become an expert in holding in the pain. He'd been able to cover in all facets of his life, all but one. She was always 'the one' even if it took his mind a little longer to catch up with his heart. That's why he couldn't even get himself to think her name.

It was a major hang-up and one he wasn't shy about imposing on others or, in a few select cases, making it a direct order. Selphie once challenged him and it almost resulted in a court martial for insubordination, but Quistis jumped up to mediate, thankfully. One thing everyone could agree on was he wasn't shy about correcting them. If - and only if - that subject needed to be broached in conversation the only acceptable responses were: _her_, _she_, or _the sorceress_. He also applied that theory to his counseling sessions. Once he angrily left after the doctor's insistence of using Rinoa's proper name. In his opinion, he'd been more than reasonable, even going out of his way to point out the man's error several times. However, after the fourth instance, Squall was over it and stormed out. When Garden received a bill for a replacement office door the headmaster was pissed but, so was Squall; he was pissed that he hadn't left 'three Rinoas' earlier.

His friends worried about him and for good reason. At times, they'd place blame on the one whose name they couldn't say. None of them would openly admit that, actually, each of them would openly deny it, but they had been given a reason to feel that way. Strike another 'win' up for Garden. When Squall's behavior had become erratic, it was about damage control. Very early on, about a week after his return from Esthar, the headmaster had planted that seed of doubt. He called Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, Zell, and Xu into his office and reiterated his concern for the commander.

However, it wasn't over a botched mission, rather he told them to expect some instability from Squall. He'd gone into great detail about how once a sorceress severed a knight's bond, there were always repercussions on the knight. It was all a lie, seriously, the guy pulled statistics out of his ass, and not only did they believe it – they offered to help anyway they could. They covered for him. It was how a lot of his behavior was kept from Garden, at least what they could.

It was simply meant as a blanket statement that could easily explain away Squall's erratic behavior, but when they offered to help, it was a win-win Garden. And while they never blamed Rinoa for the breakup, they never understood why she left – from what they were told, she could've gone about it a different way. Also, they saw the fact that Squall was hurting and she'd figuratively fallen off the face of the planet. What they had with her was only sparse communication at best.

So, like everything else, they tried to appease him at first to help. Selphie was the one who questioned it, who always thought there was more to the story, and it's why after four years, she started to call Rinoa by name.

Three years later and it hurt like hell. He was ashamed to say, that when she did stand up to him, his first thought hadn't been disciplinary action, rather to physically lash out. That wasn't him, he didn't like that part of himself. In a way, it was his wake-up call. He'd been going to Garden-appointed doctors, but it was just for show. However, after he realized he wanted to hurt his friend over saying a name – a fucking name – he needed help. It wasn't about going through the motions.

It didn't stop across-the-board ban of using Rinoa's name, he just wanted to find a way to control his anger. The absolute worst was when he was forced to discuss their relationship, a topic the doctors often harped on and on, for far too many years, she was _the sorceress_ to him. After Ultimecia, Adel, and possessed-Edea there was a natural connotation of evil associated with the term. Nobody knew a 'good sorceress' so he purposely played on people's fears. If he de-humanized her enough maybe she'd become a stranger but, in reality, he was the one becoming a stranger, not only to those around him, but to himself.

He'd lost himself as a SeeD. He'd lost himself as a knight. And when he'd lost himself as an individual, he had nothing left to do – so he lashed out.

For as long as he lived, he'd never forget the day that he'd returned from Esthar. He tried to…god did he try to forget it - by _any _and_ every_ means possible. In reality, he had no business being at work, someone should've stopped him long before he stepped in that door… He was desperately crying for help, but nobody heard the screaming in his head. If only someone had seen the signs, he just killed two people for god's sake, and nobody did anything but tell him 'good job' on the mission, pat him on the back, and tell him to get back to work – not even Dr. Kadowaki wanted to see him.

If only someone saw him – _anyone_ – before he saw Rinoa.

Instead, the moment his eyes met hers, a single thought consumed him – pain. He wanted to hurt everyone, making them feel the pain and self-loathing that had suffocated him for years. He was haunted by Ultimecia's order to Griever, "Make them bleed." Thankfully, it never became physical, but not for lack of disturbing images, most were blood-soaked pieces of the cadets. He wanted everyone to close their eyes and see the nightmare; he wanted nothing more than to destroy whatever pathetic soul got caught in his wake.

…God help him, in that moment, he wanted to destroy her - _especially_ her. Emotionally, he'd already proven to be an unstable powder keg but, this time, he'd make sure the right person paid.

Like so many times before, _she_ was the first to show up after he returned from a mission. Smiling, happy, like a goddamn puppy dog begging for attention. By the time she walked into his office he'd had nearly two days of self-hatred building – and the only sleep he'd gotten was for two hours after they had to give him an injection when they extracted his unit from Esthar.

From the moment _she_ walked in the ballroom wearing a skirt that showed no decency, to her raised her finger at a shooting star, and then to announcing she needed a hug to feel alive – each and every one a calculated move to make it about her; she begged for attention, Angelo had more class. When he looked into her eyes he was no longer under a trance, he'd freed himself from her hold. She was a sorceress; she'd done all this to him. All of it.

He was not going to be her puppet any longer – he was free.

And that's when he shattered her illusion; the one where he was the knight and she was the princess, or sorceress, or whatever title she gave herself for attention. Her dream ended the moment she walked into the office. The façade dropped and she was no longer human to him – he was no longer blind. Finally, he saw _her_ \- the vile creature within her skin, the evil abomination that lay with him in bed.

That woman who hired SeeD at his graduation dance? Dead. General Caraway's daughter had been killed years before at Edea Kramer's deformed, unholy hands. It was in that moment he thought he'd woken up from a two-year nightmare – he was too far gone to realize that two days before, he'd walked into a nightmare without end.

When she smiled, placing her arms around him to give him a hug, he lost it – pushing her away. He resented everything about her – from her presence to the fact that she loved him. When he was filled with so much self-hatred, his mind couldn't accept her feelings as genuine. It was the trick of an evil sorceress who mocked his fear of loneliness.

In truth, he had twisted his own thoughts and hatred into something perverse. If there'd been a shred of his humanity left, he would've warned her – told Rinoa to run away before he crossed a line of no return. Today, as he stood in the Ragnarok, he no longer knew that man who returned from Esthar. He hadn't…he couldn't…these memories; they were ones he didn't want. It was all he could do to make it to his feet. His stomach lurched violently and he could no longer hold its contents down – he ended up getting sick into something, whatever it was – wasn't designed for that. He'd tell someone, when he could…he'd do a lot of things, when he could.

Right now, saying he was a fucking mess was an understatement.

Breathe, goddamn it, inhale.

And as he stood on the Ragnarok, he remembered her eyes. He would always remember her eyes. The dumbfounded expression she wore after he had physically pushed her. He was just thankful that it hadn't been at full force. If he'd hurt her…. he'd have lost all hope.

There was a perverse joy as her smile faded into confusion, a feeling that only fueled him. Then came the pain and it was…glorious. He told her that she'd killed them, that she had done this to him – made him this monster. The bond had turned toxic as she was growing darker; her powers had become corrupted and she'd corrupted her knight. None of it was true, but she believed him – she believed every fucking word. He watched as the first tear fell, and then the second, it was even better than the pain.

There was a very fine line between love and hate, a line that he'd twisted for his own gain – he hated her. At least, he thought he did. She couldn't love a monster; he was a monster. It made no sense, but nothing about it did, but he knew her greatest fear. She'd told him one night when they sat under the stars. They talked, well, _she _did…he listened because, as always, it was about her. So like the expert he was, he wielded her fears like a weapon, striking her to the core. In his mind, she'd become the monster - she'd trapped him in a promise that he felt obligated to make. And his last official act as knight was to make her see what she truly was, what couldn't be denied – a soulless creature shrouded in death and fear. Her kind had caused thousands of deaths, now she'd caused two more – those were now her burdens to bear.

Twisted as his actions continued to be, he knew the words were about himself. Every spiteful and odious word he spewed should've been aimed directly towards him – the soulless creature that masqueraded as Balamb's Commander. If only she'd walked out before he said this…if only she stayed to tell him how wrong he was. If only…

Then he said it; the simple words that would twist the knife in her open wounds – _he was afraid of her. _

However, that comment had been the single exception to all his words as it alone carried a grain of truth. Squall Leonhart was afraid of her, terrified at what she was capable of doing.

But, like everything that had come before, the statement couldn't be taken at face value. He was never afraid of the sorceress she was – the power running in her veins or the destruction she could cause. Like reality often was, the truth was far more terrifying – he was afraid because he loved her.

And, in his mind, this was a punishable offense – hell, if he could've court martialed her he would've done it without batting an eye. It boiled down to one simple truth - he hated her because he cared about her. In his sleep-deprived, mentally-broken state that made perfect sense.

To be honest, back then, he wasn't ready for a serious relationship; he'd never really dated, he hadn't the desire. Then, just like that, he'd found that he'd gone from a relationship-virgin to being in a lifetime commitment – to him, taking an oath to protect Rinoa felt more intimate than asking for her hand in marriage. It was more than loving her 'through sickness and health;' it was pledging to place her life above all others, to sacrifice himself if needed. Seriously, that was a lot of pressure for an eighteen-year-old kid. No matter how grown he felt, he was far from mature – _far _from it. If some of his friends could move past the romanticism and truly look at the concept of 'knight' realistically - it was, quite bluntly, fucked as hell.

Yet, he did it because it was what was expected of him - always the perfect soldier, the one who saved the world and didn't have 'no' in his vocabulary. In short, the world's whipping boy.

So, led by Cid and Edea, he knelt on one knee, swearing on his weapon, his name, and his honor. He recited the oath that he'd been forced to repeat after Cid, following in the elder knight's footprints. They had been words that the errant knight only partially believed. He did it all with her standing at his side, like the princess she thought herself to be. As it reached its crescendo, she pricked his finger with a sterilized needle to seal their oath. It was a ceremony for show as the entirety of Garden – all were invited, although only a few hundred showed. If she thought that it would win her points with SeeD, she truly misunderstood the situation – many had lost friends and family in wars with sorceresses, and watching the coronation of another pawn didn't sit well with many. There was no true reason besides the fact she wanted the world to see – pomp and circumstance - he knew it was a prelude to the wedding she wanted.

Rinoa wanted to go out and celebrate. Celebrate what?

The fact that he'd made an oath he couldn't truly mean?

He made an excuse, eventually prying her off of him and when he got back to his dorm, he barely made it to the bathroom as the bile rose into his throat. He was sick; sick of what he'd just done, it was a lie to her and to him…hell, it was a lie to every knight before him, but he was trapped. Instead of celebrating, he spent the night hugging the toilet as the resentment continued to build. What a fucking knight he was.

There had never been time for him to adjust. From their first kiss on the balcony, he'd begun to suffocate under the pressure. As his feelings of resentment deepened, he wanted nothing more than to make a clean break; but there really was no free will. Actually, free will was something that he'd never had - until very recently. Now, it was something he finally claimed - the moment he'd left a sleeping Zell to go after Rinoa.

But, this was about the two years they dated before. The two years he was trying to figure his feelings out, figure his whole damn life out. Becoming her knight? It happened three months before Esthar. Likely, it was about the tradition for her, but he never took it lightly. No, he didn't have to become her knight, but not having one could risk her well being. What was he going to do? Say no? Ask Zell or Irvine step in, or maybe call up Seifer on his mobile, tell him the gig as sorceress' knight had an immediate opening, apply within? Hell, everyone knew Zone would've jumped at the chance.

Squall couldn't.

Pride certainly wouldn't let him, but it was simply foreshadowing – as pride cometh before the fall. But, at the time, he wanted none of it – the relationship, the knight, the responsibility. He didn't want her around, but he sure as hell didn't want her to love anyone else – that thought was ten times worse. He was truly fucked up and she was the easy target, unfortunately.

Rinoa was demanding, irritating, and a thousand other negative things that wore on his nerves daily. He'd heard the students' whispers and saw the stares of the instructors, but he had tried to look past it like Rinoa did – what they thought didn't matter but, somewhere inside, it did…God help him, it did. He cared what they thought, even if they were wrong. And that was why on the day that Squall had fallen, he made the conscious decision that she would fall too.

Leaning against the wall of the Ragnarok, he tried to wipe his mouth the best he could. There had to be a restroom nearby but, the layout was a little more complex than the linear design of a traditional airplane. So he began to walk as he had a general idea where to go. He did his best to stave off the lightheadedness and keep the oxygen level so he didn't pass out…it wouldn't have been the first time.

_Inhale. Exhale. Breathe._ The mantra he'd come to live by.

Finally, he found a small restroom and made sure to lock the door behind him. As he reached for the faucet, his hands trembled - a side effect of the lack of oxygen as well as thin spider-web type red lines on his skin. He slashed some water on his face and washed out his mouth, cleaning himself the best he could.

As he looked in a mirror, he didn't know the man standing in front of him. For the last few days he'd finally known who he was or rather who he wanted to be; now he saw that no matter how many changes in he made his life, he'd always be chained to his past.

Sometimes those chains had weak links. Like the day she left, somehow even after his goal had been to tear her down, when he finally did, he regretted it immediately. There were moments of clarity, moments that he wanted to fix it – he'd gone to the train station. He'd raced to get there, even on rain-slicked roads. It wasn't safe, or likely sane, but he wanted to catch her. Her phone was off, he tried. In fact, that phone would never be on again – once she'd gotten to Timber, she changed it. If she'd truly wanted him to go after her, she wasn't making it easy…but that was blaming the victim. She was probably was as torn as he'd been – cutting off ties immediately or holding out hope.

In retrospect, going to the train station would've never been enough - after telling her that she was an abomination of nature who was responsible for two people's death, showing up wouldn't have been enough. But, it may have been a start…if he'd really wanted to fix it. Maybe he was doing the same; maybe he'd always been a little kid playing a 'big kid's' game. In their relationship he'd always push her away and then she'd find a way back. It was her relentless drive that had carried them for two years. He'd tested her. He'd always been so afraid of getting hurt that at every corner he tested the strength of their relationship. Maybe he _needed_ her to fight, to tell him he was worth it and that he wasn't the monster he believed. Maybe he needed the impossible. When he finally pushed too far and she didn't fight for _them _for the first time, and she'd gone back to a place she'd felt safe, choosing Timber over him, he wanted to forget she ever existed.

That's when things truly hit bottom and his only goal was to erase his own regrets. When his anger cooled and his fear of being alone set in - when he'd not only lost her, but lost himself – that was when his world was reduced to dust.

For quite some time, the only thing he had to look forward to was death. He didn't merely hit bottom, he imploded, self-destructing on himself – maybe he and the people of Centra had common ground after all.

He held himself with his arms, leaning against the sink. After he'd gotten better, he did his best to repress this specific past, like so many other memories. That was his problem – even things that are buried often find their way to the surface and secrets never stay buried long. It wasn't as if he didn't remember anything, he did, but his memories were like he'd been watching a movie that someone else was in – he distanced himself from being the star.

_Breathe._

After Rinoa left, Garden tried to control him…_that _went as well as expected. He didn't fault them for trying – given that he was hell-bent on self-annihilation. In truth, somebody needed to intervene; it would've been another deadly mistake not to. It had always been the reasons behind Garden's concern that he'd taken issue with - it certainly wasn't an act of goodwill. It wasn't even about Squall as a person – their commodity was bought and paid for by doctors and politicians. His mental state was irrelevant as long as he still looked good in a dress uniform. He was expected to be their political chew-toy, showing up at fundraisers and parties at their will.

Sometimes, he'd show up and remain civil. Sometimes, he'd lash out. Still at other times he'd withdraw - nobody knew which Squall would show up. Regardless of which one, there would always be a drink in his hand, a flask in his jacket, and a map to the nearest bar in his pocket.

Back at Garden, the rumor mill took off with more speed than a Cactuar, especially when he and sorceress were the topic of choice. The students no longer whispered behind his back, they had no problem telling him to his face. He'd listened to them bash Rinoa, sometimes with a thin-lipped smile on his face. They openly blamed her for his decline, calling her every derogatory name in the book; hell, that wasn't limited to students - the civilian support staff and instructors were some of the worst offenders.

The commander's wish had been granted; his anger towards her had come full-circle, multiplying tenfold in the process. They blamed her, just as he had. For months he couldn't walk around a corner without someone berating her, in the processing managed to destroy any positive contributions she'd made during Ultimecia – he heard them say that she was worse than Ultimecia. For the longest time, he did nothing but listen…except for those times where he'd chime in agreement. There was never a limit or taboo subject, he gave them free reign – somehow, the students found a subject that bonded them. During the darkest period of his life, he had found kindred spirits with their hatred.

Their lies had slowly become his truth.

It had been so easy…at first. People don't say, "It's always darkest before the dawn" for no reason, they say it because it's often true. However, nobody ever tells you how long until the dawn comes – days, weeks, months, years?

The first year had been the worst – the memories were bits and pieces that felt like someone else's life. Countless times he'd come back to Garden early in the morning after a night out, waking up hell knows where, but nobody there blamed him. If anything, people would congratulate him for moving on, for living his life, and finally acting like a twenty-one year old.

His favorite watering hole had been the biggest pub in Balamb. After a few weeks, the bartender had started a betting pool – Squall had an open tab but, in all his months, had yet to put a single charge on it. Apparently, being 'world savior' meant never having to pay for a drop of alcohol. Most of the time, it would be the women who'd buy the drinks and then guys would offer him high-fives. It was a juvenile gesture which he never reciprocated, but someone was always there to celebrate his on-going failures. Hell, it was the first time Squall Leonhart was considered 'approachable' by those at Garden. He was one of them, fitting in better than he had his entire life. The lies he'd told about Rinoa continued to bond them, which to him, wasn't too fucking bad when someone handed him a bottle of whiskey to celebrate.

Of course, his friends never did anything of the sort. They didn't say anything about his relationships and, if they had tried, he would've pushed them further away. They knew this too – it was a situation that required balance. They'd been told firsthand by Cid about how severing the bond would affect Squall and to handle the situation with caution. If they got too close to the truth, Garden would be there running interference. Against the headmaster's instructions, Quistis had once almost talked Squall into getting help outside, looking into treatments in Dollet or Deling – Garden immediately squashed that attempt as they promptly whisked him away for a week to Trabia. The only thing he remembered - being awoken in a snow drift by Trabia's commander. Needless to say, they'd kept him away from the general populace, but they thought the change in scenery may do some good…it didn't.

The main difference between his friends and the rest of Garden however, was that they never blamed Rinoa for his behavior. That wasn't to say they weren't upset with her, breaking the bond suddenly, but Squall was a grown-ass adult, capable of making his own decisions. And honestly, they knew they didn't know the whole story; she loved him and had worried horribly when he'd been on a mission for well over a month. She wouldn't just up and leave – something prompted her. But, like Squall, Rinoa was also a grown adult. Even if she left Garden, there was no written rule that she had to leave her friends too. It had been her choice to close herself off from people who cared deeply for her; she never once reached out beyond a holiday card or one-line letters. They were hurt; she didn't just leave him, she left them too.

Still, problems and breakup-mysteries aside, it had been their friends who held out hope. As the years passed, Squall would've thought that their hope would've faded, yet they still held out that candle. Even after Squall had found himself in other relationships, there might've been times where that hope dimmed, but that candle always remained lit

And there it was again – _hope_ – now burning as strong as ever.

After he began dating Lauren, his friends didn't really discuss the relationship. That was until a few months down the road. As 'luck' had it, he and Irvine ended up by themselves in the weight room, although Squall heavily questioned the 'coincidence' of it all. Whether by design or not, the cowboy decided that empty weight rooms were the ideal place for spilling one's guts, or rather, the collective thoughts of the group. They questioned whether seeing Lauren was truly a healthy choice for him, although at least they admitted that she'd been a constant – it was obvious to everyone that he'd needed some stability.

By then, Squall had been in on-going therapy for some time and his current relationship had more durability than others. With the obvious exception of Rinoa, calling anything that he'd had before Lauren a 'relationship' was taking some massive creative liberties on the definition. It could last days or, at his lowest, for hours – at least, evidence had him believing this much – he'd be hard-pressed to call any of those 'relationships.' Honestly, he had no memory of some encounters, a realization that had become even more frightening once he'd become sober. For someone whose sole existence had been based on control, having so much of his life erased, as he'd lived in walking-blackouts, was utterly terrifying.

There had been single turning point, unlike the others he remembered it vividly…or at least the outcome. For years, he'd kept this to himself, too ashamed to even mention in therapy; he'd held it close to his chest, internalizing and using the pain and revolution as a reminder of how far he'd fallen.

In a state somewhere between sleep and consciousness, the first thing he realized was the wind against his face. He was no stranger to the elements - sleeping outside on many missions, so that alone didn't faze him. It was what happened next – the wet nose of an animal prodding him. Tired and hung-over, his mind tried to make sense of the situation, especially when a wet tongue started licking his face.

Angelo.

The dog had annoyed him on more than one occasion and he'd constantly told Rinoa his thoughts on disgusting dog kisses. It wasn't cute or sweet or whatever she thought – it was straight out gross. Annoyed and irritated, Squall pried an eye open to tell off the damn dog – and quite likely its owner. Rinoa knew to keep that goddamned mutt away from him. As he managed to open his eyes, a task he'd found far too difficult because they were matted and swollen, he was eye-to-snout with a very large, very black, very not-Angelo dog.

It took him aback; he'd expected to see Angelo with her annoyingly-sunny disposition - like owner, like dog. It appeared to be some sort of retriever-mix too well-kept to be a stray, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that once his eyes met the dog's…every painful truth came flooding back. For those few seconds, those few precious seconds, he'd simply forgotten – he _wanted _it to be that annoying dog, giving him disgusting kisses, because it would've meant he'd finally awoken from the nightmare and life was like it should've been.

But life wasn't like what it should've been – it's like it was.

All he knew was that he was outside; his body ached, like he was supposed to be the main course in T-Rexaur's dinner, but had been spit out instead. As he tried to move, it became evident that he wasn't on a bed. Pain shot through his entire body and he winced trying not to cry out, which he'd only held back for the sake of his pounding migraine. His hand reached out to grab onto something as he wanted to pull himself up. To make matters worse, his right arm was asleep, mostly from lying on it wrong all night. Between the wincing and grunting, he managed to maneuver himself so he was propped to one side. It was then that he finally noticed that he'd reached out to a bag of garbage for support.

Squall Leonhart was being supported by garbage - if that wasn't a fucking metaphor for his life, he didn't know what was.

By then, he'd started to put two and two together although he was still hung-over enough to come up with five, but close enough. Between the distinct cinder blocks, piles of trash, and security doors, he realized that this was the alley behind the bar. He looked down enough to see the rotting wood below, his mind was able to piece together that he'd been laying on wooden pallet, or likely, two of them to create a makeshift bed. On the ground he saw several used joints in a pile. He'd like to say he was a stranger to the alley and the illicit side of Balamb, but that would've been a lie, although he'd never been fucked up enough to spend the night.

With tilted head and perked ears, _not-Angelo_ stared at him through the entire process, probably wondering what kind of creature was this pathetic. However, after he'd maneuvered into a sitting position, the dog likely sensed his mood and decided that this human wasn't one to be trifled with – good call. _Not-Angelo_ then sauntered off towards the ocean.

Now it was Squall's turn to get out of there, although the task seemed almost insurmountable. A baby has to crawl before it can walk and Squall had to sit up before he could stand, let alone think about walking. He always told himself 'baby steps' and this time it was quite literal, unfortunately. Still using the garbage as leverage, he found himself straining to reach a full sitting position. _Crack._ The distinct sound echoed in his head and, for a brief second, he thought he'd broken a bone. The thought was short lived as the rotted wood on the pallet snapped and he unceremoniously dumped onto the pavement. His head hit as he'd been unable to break his fall; for a second he just laid there – noticing the insects around him for the first time. At least he was regaining feeling in his right hand. As he was finally able to focus, he was shocked to notice a bottle in his hand. It seemed that even taking a header onto the pavement couldn't pry his firmly wrapped fingers from the neck of a cheap tequila bottle. The label had been ripped halfway off and, next to that - a woman with dirty-blonde hair.

Disheveled and only half-dressed, he let go of the bottle and as it then proceeded to roll several meters away. …He'd go after that later, but right now he needed both hands – it didn't take long, he emptied the contents of his stomach into a nearby weathered cardboard box, a courtesy not all of the alley's patrons would give. As he continued to dry-heave after the bile, he decided that leaving was overrated. He did want that bottle back though… if he could just reach- It never got that far, his body had nothing left to give as his head lay on the gravel-strewn pavement. Deciding he just didn't give a damn about anything, with the exception of his tequila, he closed his eyes…. Before passing back out, he vaguely remembered thinking, _"Not-Angelo better not touch my fucking bottle."_

Time passed. He had no idea how long - whether minutes or hours, hell, it could've been days, but he woke up being shoved into the back of a Garden vehicle by two people. He knew one was the headmaster, but the other person looked like a fuzzy blob, although that could've been the alcohol affecting his judgment. Because, as far as he knew, there weren't any Blobra currently enrolled in Garden although they had been lenient on their recruitment statutes.

"_A Blobra SeeD, bet he can dance."_ It was stupid and desperate, but it's all his mind could picture as he snickered out loud, a gesture not appreciated by the headmaster.

"Damn it." He remembered Cid angrily scolding him, "This isn't funny. I'm sure Rinoa would be so proud to see you like this."

"Do-" Squall was too far gone to even formulate a response; hell, he couldn't even manage a "don't."

Fuck the Blobra, now he wanted his gunblade…it had to be here somewhere. He'd show Cid…Nobody was allowed to say that name. Nobody. Especially him, who the fuck did he think he was? If Squall could've stand, he would've put the headmaster in his place.

Somewhere during the course of his anger, somewhere between being pissed at Cid and propping his head against the doorframe to close his eyes, somewhere between then and now… well, somewhere the anger ebbed into something else. Regret, embarrassment, shame, all of that and more. It tore at his soul, but Cid was right - she wouldn't be proud. If she could've seen him this morning, she'd think a lot of things and 'proud' would be the furthest away.

"…Rin...noa." It was broken and tense. It was soft and a whisper. It was the first time in years that he'd spoken her name and it would be years before he'd say it again. It's like something inside him snapped just like rotting wood. He did something that he never thought he'd be able to do again, he allowed himself to show vulnerability as he broke down in tears.

"…S-Sor…Sorry...I am."

His words were as confused and backwards as he felt, but nobody said that a baby's first step had to be a perfect – it simply needed to be taken. The words were spoken to the wind, but they were spoken. Rinoa didn't hear. Cid didn't hear. But, beyond the alcohol and drug fueled haze, he'd heard. Eventually, he'd look back at this as his first moment of clarity - _true clarity_ – not the bullshit spewed to keep the doctor's happy.

However, the moment was short-lived when he heard a female's voice. He'd forgotten about her; he _wanted _to forget about her, but she had other ideas, apparently. Even though a voice in his head was telling him not to, he had to know who she was. Sitting upright had helped his eyesight as she no longer looked like a Blobra. Thankfully, she wasn't someone he could immediately recognize, although he'd say that she'd spent her fair share of nights in the alley… Pot, meet kettle - he certainly wasn't any prize. Hell, at least she could walk on her own volition. She was also speaking to the headmaster, neither looking none-too-pleased. Cid was obviously trying to avoid a scene (a bigger scene) but she wasn't playing along, continually raising her voice.

He finally could make out what she was harassing the headmaster about - _Gil owed_… At first, Squall tried to think what he owed her for…food or the 'quality' bottle of liquor? He quickly ruled out a hotel room. The way Cid was acting, trying to calm her, he did not want attention. Was it for the joints…or god help him, something else? He felt ill.

Feeling as if he was going to empty his stomach again, he briefly shut his eyes. When he pried them open (a few seconds, a minute?) again, Cid was handing the mostly-used bottle of tequila to the woman. Damn it, he wanted that… no, no he didn't.

It seemed the headmaster was falsely under the impression the negotiations had concluded as he turned to leave, but the woman was quick to inform him otherwise. Since they'd moved closer, Squall was able to make out more details. She was demanding more money – followed by a comment about keeping quiet - newspapers and television. And of course, Cid paid. But Squall realized that the woman was playing with fire and, if he'd had the wherewithal, he'd have warned her although it was doubtful she'd listen. Garden didn't take kindly to threats – and six to one, this woman had already sealed her fate.

His very last memory before waking up in the infirmary with IV fluids was looking down. He'd bowed his head realizing that he might as well be considered responsible for her too. It was then he noticed that his button-up shirt was only held together by a single button. He was such a miserable failure, he couldn't even get that right – the bottom button was in a hole midway up his shirt and at least three were completely missing. It was also the first time he'd saw that his arms were covered in road rash; the scrapes were so bad that tiny pebbles had imbedded themselves in the open wounds. Continuing his self-examination, his pants were undone but at least they were on and, at this point, he'd classify that as a minor miracle. Then when he looked down to his legs, he really did get sick, although it was to the point of dry heaving. It wasn't due to an injury, rather it was the first time that he'd noticed several maggots crawling on him. He'd laid down in a rat-infested alley, he should be thankful that's all he picked up. He remembered wanting to brush them off, but the moment he moved… and that's when he woke up back in Garden wishing it was dream, wishing that Angelo would be there annoy him – but some wishes were never meant to come true.

And so he laid in the infirmary, clinging onto those earlier moments of clarity. Here was the man who destroyed Ultimecia, killed Omega Weapon, and survived Time-Compression and now blacked out trying to wipe larvae off of his pants - pants stained with blood and smelling like the urine from the alley.

When he woke up in the infirmary, the first thing Dr. Kadowaki had said to him was, "At least you won't have any lasting scars this time."

She had never been so wrong.

But there was something else – a wake-up call from life. As it turned out, it would be the first of two, the second years later in Dollet. Actually, maybe it wasn't so much life giving him a wake-up call as it was a dog's wet nose and sloppy kisses. Fondly named _'Not-Angelo'_ to him, it was a dog that might've saved his life. Because of those few seconds, those seconds where he thought everything in his life seemed like it used to be. For a brief second, he remembered what it was like to be normal.

So, back in the weight room when Irvine had talked with him about Lauren, Squall was open enough to listen. He understood his friends' concerns. He knew that Irvine had likely been selected to talk to him and would just end up playing operator to whatever was told to him. So, in the interest of keeping the facts accurate, he ended up inviting everyone from the group to his then-new apartment. For a guy who wanted to keep his personal business personal, it was difficult, but he felt as if he owed them – even if they didn't know completely why. So, he explained to them that he and Lauren gave each other something positive. No, their relationship wasn't conventional, but they were two consenting adults who defined their own parameters.

And today, as he looked in the mirror, he realized that maybe the person staring back at him could handle everything. He'd managed to be open about his life before, even when it was uncomfortable..

A few nights ago, one of his and Rinoa's first nights in Esthar, Squall had come clean to Rinoa on_ almost_ everything. They'd laid in bed talking; well, for once he mostly talked and she listened – it was nice and it felt entirely natural. He didn't offer graphic details, plus he hardly remembered everything anyway - he didn't remember names, but what he'd told her had been as personal as one of his therapy sessions. It was important that there were no surprises in their relationship, at least to the best of his abilities. It was new for him, being so open, but it wasn't entirely bad – she made it easy.

That night, he told her about hope and how it saved him. How he wanted to get better and return to work. _Real work_, not the sham he'd been doing for almost two years. He wanted to do this for her, to show her that she had made a difference in his life. But, most of all, he wanted to do this for himself. Plus, deep down, he knew if there was to ever be any chance for them, he had to learn not to hate himself.

She kissed him and reminded him how much she loved him. They were just about to fall asleep for the night and then it happened. It was no longer _almost _everything, rather he told her everything. Telling her about the back alley, the woman with dirty-blonde hair, and most importantly, Not-Angelo – it all had been so freeing, but maybe to really know his demons, he needed her to understand the moment he'd hit rock bottom. So, he did. Honestly, that was something he'd planned to take to his grave – at least his second time at the grave. He had kept it from his doctors and therapist, but he couldn't keep it from her. Maybe letting go of something his heart had guarded for so long gave him freedom.

Coincidentally enough, the last time he had done anything even remotely similar was when he defied everyone, jumping out in space. He felt emotionally free then, just as he had a few nights ago.

And here he was, standing in the ship where it all started.

Then he realized that maybe the key was in the memories, as he recalled who he'd been and how she found a way to love him anyhow – it had given him hope. Somewhere along the lines, his breathing returned to normal, although he remained a little woozy and his head still hurt, but his breathing was normal.

Drying his hands, he fixed his collar as he looked in the mirror. He knew he had an important place to be, Lauren was probably highly agitated that he was late. Oddly, death had become one of the busiest times of his life; who knew that dying would increase his social life tenfold?

* * *

Laguna was dreading this.

He was dreading everything about this day. No matter how desperate things became, he had to believe in his family, either by blood, by marriage, or those bound by friendship. Weeks ago, part of that family had been stolen, but it turned out that it wasn't 'lost' – more like it had been found somewhere in Timber.

Laguna's father died two weeks before his ninth birthday; he didn't remember a lot about the man, but he remembered _some things_ – far more memories than Squall had as a child. One of the things the President remembered was catching fireflies with his dad or, as he'd been corrected by Kiros, 'lightning bugs'. Apparently, in the Esthar region, what they're called is a hot topic among many of the firefly-lightning bug faithful. Laguna's father would've gotten a kick out that debate, probably chiming in as pro-firefly. He liked that he knew that about his dad.

His father once said that you have to treasure family because the time you have with one-another is fleeting. It's like a flash, a firefly in the night sky. One could try to capture it, place it in a jar, but that would be selfish. Fireflies, like family, need their freedom to shine their brightest.

…He wondered if Squall liked fireflies.

Laguna understood the world they lived in, more than most he'd guess, and today's mission could easily turn tragic. He had to believe that his father would be watching out for them, along with Raine and Julia, and if things started to turn dark, maybe the fireflies would help light up the sky.

And, even if the light of the fireflies dimmed, Laguna would be there with a flashlight and that's exactly what he was going to do - remain positive and focus all his energy for the powers of good. …Yeah, even he realized that was a tad on the cheesy super-hero side. Then again, he sort of had the cheesy super-hero vibe going on; maybe he should just go with the motto. Plus he knew that Timber would have light at 10:00 a.m. this time of year; he'd just meant metaphorically dark…unless there was an eclipse, and then it _wouldn't_ be metaphorical. He didn't think there was supposed to be one, but he'd have to verify that with the internet.

Also, before he strapped on the super hero cape and broke out the spandex, which sadly both existed from his teenage years, he'd settle for just being the person his family could count on. And, in the interest of full-disclosure, in regards to his fashion sense, the Galbadian roller rink scene was a whole different animal three decades ago. Thankfully, Raine never saw that disco-dancing, bell-bottom sporting, guy-liner wearing side of him that attracted many of the fairer sex. He was also thankful that nobody ever searched too far in his closet – the evidence of his roller-king status may, or may not have, existed in a box labeled 'winter clothes' to shirk suspicion.

He also guessed that Disco-Lu would be satisfied with how life turned out; there had been some bad times, but to take any of that away would be like asking to change the present. He wouldn't do it. For the entire world, he wouldn't change a thing about his sometimes grumpy, often stubborn, and all-around extremely dysfunctional family that had become his guiding fireflies. 'Not trading for the entire world' was clichéd, yes, but Laguna was a known fan of clichés, even the ones he got _slightly_ wrong… Nothing cheaper than free, right?

He would never forget the time they shared over the last few days and, if he died tomorrow, he'd die the happiest man in the universe. Yes, another cliché, but he was on a roll.

Although she wasn't here today, he knew that Ellone was there in spirit, standing behind her brother and sister-in-law in every way. Laguna never had to worry about his adopted daughter – she was his cat, always landing on her feet no matter the situation. Actually, he never _had_ to worry about her…but that didn't change the fact that he always did.

And of course, there was Rinoa, who was family even _before_ she was family. She was his daughter in every sense of the word; she'd been the only person who'd ever been able to break down the walls his son built around him. She was as strong-willed and stubborn as any Loire – not to mention, the girl could hold her own against any of the Leonharts too. Raine would've loved her as much as he did. He thought about the evening Squall announced they were dating and then he thought about the night of their wedding – and then he remembered all those times in between.

With a smile, he gazed off into the Timber's skyline – _this _would be where they'd build their family. The city might not have been his first choice, but it was a very good choice.

Laguna always had a strong connection with Timber, although it couldn't compare to his love of Winhill. Timber had been a very important stepping-stone in his life; it's where he first began to define himself as more than a soldier. It's where he finally first found a job that gave him wings and a voice, eventually leading him to the place and the woman he loved.

Speaking of which, he couldn't help but smirk - maybe in the future, when he thought about 'Timber Maniacs,' he wouldn't be thinking of the magazine, but rather his rambunctious future grandchildren.

Although he'd never heard Squall mention wanting to have children, but that wasn't surprising. Until a few days ago, most non-work-related conversations earned one-word replies like, '_whatever_,' '_sure_,' or even the ever-elusive two word response like, '_I suppose.' _Even if Squall was undecided about kids, Laguna had a feeling that no matter how much his son's mind might've been made up on that particular subject, Rinoa would _politely_ inform him that his mind was wrong…and that's exactly why Laguna loved her. She was as tenacious as Raine was.

…Maybe there was the tiniest, thinnest,_ infinitesimally-small _chance he was hitting the fast-forward button here. For now, he'd have to make do with his son, his daughter-in-law, and his beloved new _grand_-_dog_. Quickly, he made a mental note to send Angelo a congratulatory doggie-biscuit basket. Laguna had always heard from experts that it was always hardest on the kids when a step-parent enters the picture...even the four-legged ones. Fine, maybe he'd adlibbed the last part, but there was an actual sentiment in there…plus, maybe he could subtly drop hints about any future _Timber Maniacs_ later.

He sighed as he looked out the window; there he went again, thinking about the future instead of living in the right now. Then again, his 'right now' currently involved waiting for anyone to show up. Well, more like any one of the people he'd want to talk to…as he was currently the only civilian among a gaggle of SeeDs. They were all supposed to be meeting in here, so each time one of the crew room doors opened with an electronic 'beep,' he turned his head hopefully – at this point, he started feeling like their pet dog.

This last time the door chimed, he was disappointed that it was only Lauren who strode through. He turned back just as quickly. She was all right, plus there was that whole dating his son and all, but she still wasn't one of the people he'd go out of the way to talk to. At least maybe she'd be able to control the wolves-in-SeeDs-clothing gathered in the corner. Laguna had already been privy to their hushed whispers and goaded stares from 'the pack.' To be fair, he and said pack had exchanged greetings and pleasantries when he first walked in, but that was common courtesy on both their parts. Actually, before he'd settled on referring to the SeeDs as wolves, he'd considered them one amoeba-like blob, which would make Lauren the nuclei – all and all, he considered it a valid comparison.

Laguna had never been fond of SeeD as he found there were ethical quandaries – first and foremost, teaching children to fight other people's wars for money. His issues were far more complex than that and, yes, he'd admit that some were personal, but that was neither here nor there. For now, it was about the bigger picture and today he'd put all those ethical quagmires aside. SeeDs full cooperation was vital. In short, they controlled today's outcome. As far as Laguna knew, SeeD would be the main force clearing the building; in essence, they'd be the front line of the operation.

He watched her for a minute or two, just enough to see how the Alpha Wolf interacted with the rest of the pack. He'd been in the military and was curious how the SeeDs responded to her. For the most part, he witnessed a high amount of respect. At that point, he turned back to the window but, after watching her for awhile, he inadvertently started making comparisons between the women. He knew he shouldn't; it wasn't fair to either Rinoa or Lauren as they were so vastly different – except for the _minor _fact they'd both dated his son.

Then again, he never had to look far for answers – just go to the beginning. The only comparison Laguna ever needed to think about was Squall's introductions again. With one there was an underlying sense of pride, the other, well, it was almost…defiance. With Lauren, it was almost as if Squall had anticipated a negative reaction and was ready to defend himself. Laguna never bought into that relationship, but having your estranged father offering unsolicited romantic advice about your estranged girlfriend was very much frowned upon in Squall-circles.

The few times they'd seen each other after the breakup, Squall seemed like a different person. Literally, years would pass without contact – that hurt. The President figured it had been intentional, their relationship had always been strained and then if Squall found out that Rinoa stayed in close contact…he figured his son might disown him. It usually didn't happen that way in breakups, where a parent remained close to the ex., but Rinoa reached out, while Squall withdrew. After she got her job in Timber, Laguna considered himself her mentor; he never had the heart to turn her away as sometimes, Rinoa seemed as lost as he did. He'd come to care about her wellbeing behind the ties to Julia and even to Squall.

Even though Laguna never doubted he was doing the right thing, hearing his son thank him for stepping up for her when her own family wouldn't was affirmation. At the funeral, he'd never felt closer and honestly, that's when she changed from someone he really cared about to someone he thought of as a daughter. Laguna may never know why they broke up and, at this point, he didn't care – as whatever it was, he knew that their love would always be stronger – once they were able to move past their mutual stubbornness, which was also abnormally strong.

He knew it would all work out, because that's who Laguna Loire was – the closeted romantic who teared-up at romantic comedies (and the occasional long-distance commercial) and _wanted_ to believe in lost loves and fairytales. And although Laguna didn't normally advocate violence, his romantic side was currently doing a victory lap after beating the hell out of his cynical side.

"Mr. President."

It took Laguna far too long to realize that someone was speaking to him. All these years and the moniker still didn't always register. In his head, he was just plain ol' Laguna. He turned to see Lauren standing in full uniform…and probably looked a little more shocked than would be considered polite – well, shocked, nervous, or horrified, one of the three.

"Please, call me Laguna."

She seemed to hesitate before answering. "Yes, sir."

"So, everything going alright?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Just Laguna, well not _'Just Laguna'_ – Laguna," he answered trying to make a joke of it.

"I understand exactly what you mean President Loire."

He smiled, although inside he was sighing. He could correct her again, but he had a feeling the result would fall on deaf ears.

"I thought I'd give you a quick progress report in the absence of Commander Leonhart."

He thought there'd be an opening to offer a response but, as his mouth opened to comment, she continued. "We have current ground support by SeeD from both Galbadia and Balamb Gardens. Also, as you may be aware, we have the small contingent of Esthar's military that accompanied the Ragnarok flight crew. Originally, the headmaster was going to ask local law enforcement for assistance; however, I belayed that order – given that Zone works with Timber emergency and civil service crews, there's an obvious risk of a security breach. We're going to be utilizing them for crowd control. Once we're ready to act, they will be advised of a reason, which will be established later. We had been given a suggestion of a possible 'bomb threat,' but we must assess all risks before anything can be determined. But Timber's authorities will not be allowed to breach the perimeter at any time until the target is contained. Headmaster Kramer has given me, or rather Commander Leonhart and myself, full control of the mission. Also, in addition to joint ground troops, we have three qualified sharpshooters positioned on the roof and-"

"Wait, not Irvine, right?" Laguna wasn't exactly a fan of saving all his questions until the end - a trait not likely to sit well with someone like Lauren. Squall sure as hell got irritated more than once.

"No, sir. Mr. Kinneas has remained in Balamb. He'd be an asset, but we needed this as low-profile as possible-"

"Low profile? Maybe you should've fired off an e-mail, you know, _before_ we flew in the gigantic bright red dragon-shaped spaceship – kinda sticks out. Then we could've brought the green dragon, much less inconspicuous…all the trees and things." He started to chuckle, an act that was quickly squashed as he was shot a very annoyed look. "Sorry," he mumbled apologetically. "Trying to keep things light."

She swallowed in effort to stop herself from saying something that she'd regret given the man did have major political pull…_somehow_.

"Low-key, Mr. President, as in the majority of the forces are from Galbadia Garden. Again, the exception being, those of us working the joint task force and your own forces. Trabia does have one sharpshooter in the mix, but the other two are SeeDs, both former Galbadian army."

"That's good…glad Irvine wouldn't have to…well, you know, the whole 'old-friend' thing and all… makes it hard, that's all…hard situation all around." Laguna sighed. The aftermath would be felt be a lot of people he cared about.

"Yes, Mr. President," Lauren replied with formalities intact. "As a personal side, we have not involved any of Commander Leonhart's acquaintances, nor any extraneous personnel from Balamb. Also, I've been advised by Headmaster Kramer that Commander Leonhart's status is to remain-"

"Status? You mean the status that he's helping with the mission or the status that he's not as dead as they think?" He smiled, again trying to put her at ease, she seemed so tense. He learned that over-thinking can be just as dangerous as under-thinking. "And we're all friends here, please I really don't mind you calling me Laguna – I actually prefer it. I was Laguna way before I was a president or a sir."

Patience certainly wasn't this man's virtue. This time there'd been a noticeable pause as Commander Rachels took a calming breath. "As far as your original question goes, the latter, Mr. President, _the latter_."

Given her insistence to remain formal, Lauren decided that if he corrected her again, it would be best just to dismiss herself – apparently, reading the room was a concept lost on him. Even if the President was oblivious, she understood the gravity of today – her future could be set in stone. This mission, and the proceeding fallout, could be more than the difference of removing the 'interim' from her title – it could define her life's career path. A single miscalculation could destroy her future with SeeD. So yes, calling the President of Esthar 'Laguna' in front of her subordinates would undermine her authority.

Honestly, she thought President Loire seemed nice enough, if not a little desperate to be liked. She'd always assumed that he had to be given his position in an almost ironic way. Unfortunately, after meeting with Sirtis, it appeared her hypothesis gained a lot of credence.

If a serial killer was to be believed, the heart of power never belonged to Mr. Loire, but rather a small government faction. To Lauren – _that made sense. _It might've been harsh, but Laguna Loire was not presidential material. In her opinion, Loire's personality and his post-war hero status had made for the perfect elements of an unwitting front man. Always the eternal optimist, he sincerely believed the best of people and, quite honestly, Lauren found that trait useless – it blinded him from the truth and often resulted in more harm than good.

Plus, on a personal level, he seemed downright annoying. Thankfully, that was a point where she and Squall had been in mutual agreement. She'd always remember those early days at Balamb, when she and the commander were testing the waters in their arrangement. Somewhere along the line, a mutual acquaintance mentioned Squall's 'father issues' in passing and she'd mistakenly taken the statement at face value. However, it didn't take long to discover that her assumption was wholly inaccurate; the truth was more like Squall 'had a father with issues.'

How those two shared any DNA was beyond her. Maybe it was part of a cosmic joke on a much grander scale – Caraway should've been Squall's father and Laguna should've been Rinoa's – that made more sense than what the universe, and birth certificates, had led them to believe.

Lauren realized that at least he hadn't corrected her formality this time. Mentally, she'd mark that as a win as she continued speaking.

"I spoke with Headmaster Kramer a little over fifteen minutes ago. He's still in Esthar helping the World Council sort fact from fiction. Speaking of the Council, they're still in the dark about a second shooter. Trust me, there'll be fallout from withholding any information. Once the news of Squall breaks, the headmaster hopes that being there might soften the blow, although that remains debatable. Garden receives a lot of its subsidizing through assorted interests held by the Council. Right now, protecting those assets must remain his main priority."

She paused. This was the point where he'd chime in with questions or a random comment but, to her utter shock, he said nothing. For the first time, this _nothing_ caught her off guard.

"Um, wow...yeah, as far as Commander Leonhart's help goes, we'll go over that more when – and apparently if– he decides to grace us with his presence. And, just so you're aware, the individuals in this room are eight men and women who I have the utmost trust in - in short, the best of the best of SeeD. It will be Leonhart's choice on how to address the situation from here on out. That being said, as far as the target goes, my SeeDs were shown a photograph for visual identification – and told it's imperative that he's taken into custody alive."

"Ah…good," Laguna replied awkwardly before his mind stretched to explain himself. "I mean, good about the alive part - not about the taken into custody part. That part is bad. It's all bad."

…Well, except for the parts that were good. _Really_ good.

If he was stretching himself thin before, his mind would end up doing backflips to explain how he thought this was a good thing. Nothing like being labeled 'that guy' for coming out and speaking the truth as in, "Sorry, Garden lost all its funding and you were demoted _**but **_I'm so glad my son was shot and 'killed.' Even better? His ex-girlfriend's conspiracy-theory-obsessed best friend was the shooter and not the serial killer-pushed-to-the-brink-of-madness by an actual conspiracy theory. And side note: I rule the country…also, I want grandkids."

It was for that reason, and countless others, that Laguna often kept Kiros by his side – just in case he needed a swift kick in the common sense.

After hearing about Squall's death, Kiros had proved himself as an impressive leader. The President could barely function, let alone run a country, so his friend stepped up without hesitation. Looking at it now, Laguna would say that Kiros had taken on the toughest role possible – as his backup brain. Unfortunately, his second brain was currently MIA. Kiros had stepped out to take a phone call and sadly his common sense didn't have call waiting.

The way she looked at him, it was seriously awkward in here and against his common sense's warning, he attempted polite conversation.

"So, yeah…Lauren? Commander Rachels? Yeah, you sound like you have things under control here, but poor Cid stuck with the council, huh? Guess it turns out we're the lucky ones. I've been dealing with those suits for years." He tried to laugh, but the sound he made came off as an inexplicable cross of laughter, crying, and a Chocobo's distress call. "The headmaster's going to need an excellent case of wine and a vacation after that. I mean, not sure 'bout you, but I'd rather be tossed into a pit of hungry Abyss Worms than face them when they find out the truth…"

His inner voice was coaching him to shut up – this was where logic and a good common-sense kicking would've been preferable to what came next. "You know, I once had this intern compare the World Council to a swarm of piranhas, minus the personalities. You know, because they're difficult…yeah, there's still a lot of piranha jokes around the Presidential Palace. So, yep, glad I'm here and not dealing with some stiff, uptight guy in a suit thinking I'm a moron or something."

…Yep. Soon after the words left his mouth, the irony hit him in the head like a cartoon frying pan. Essentially, he'd been doing the same thing, although his was dealing with an uptight woman in a military uniform thinking he was a moron. Actually, strike that, an uptight woman in a military uniform who was looking at him like he was a distressed Chocobo – completely different scenarios, right?

"…_Schools_. Piranhas are fish, not insects." Lauren finally responded after an awkward bout of silence that was about to grow even more awkward.

"But, President Loire, have you really stopped to think about how schools of piranha operate? Up to a thousand fish working as a single, cohesive unit in order to guarantee their species' survival. I'd say the World Council would be doing well to emulate by example. Admittedly though, I can't speak to a piranha's individual personality but, as far as the World Council goes, can you imagine the enormous pressure they face on a daily basis? If they aren't answering to their own government, they're answering to a lobbyist or a special interest group. Everybody demands money but, each time funding is given, it has to be taken from somewhere else. It would be constant life of scrutiny, not only by their constituents, but by their peers – it's a complex system of checks and balances. Honestly, I'm sure it's difficult to show any sort of personality when their body language - even a smile or frown - is scrutinized."

And then, Laguna wished an Amnesia Green could be used on humans. Also, it would be crossing the line to wish a stray school of a land-piranha happened upon the Ragnarok. When those failed, he stared logic right in the eyes – and again defied it.

"You're right…it's difficult, I'm sure. Don't take this wrong, but you seem rather passionate. Honestly, it's rare to find that level of understanding. Have you ever thought of, you know, running for an at-large position? I mean, from what little I know about you, I think you'd make a great fit…" Shit, that could be taken wrong after his earlier comments. "Wait…I mean, or rather _I don't_ _mean_, you'd fit in great because you don't have a personality. I'm sure you do somewhere…and I'll just stop talking now."

Wow. Not only did he say Lauren didn't have much of a personality, but did he back-handedly call her a piranha? That's not at all what he meant - he didn't have enough data to say one way or another – about the personality part, not the fish part.

"There is a part of me that understands what you're saying, which utterly terrifies me." It pained her to admit, apparently her few days around Rinoa and Laguna had helped. "So, I'll leave it as - thank you. Honestly, I'd never thought of running, but that's an idea I wouldn't be opposed to. Oh, and for the record, you were worried about some uptight person in a suit _starting_ to think that you were a moron?" There was a brief smile, one that showed a hint of someone beyond the uniform. "Present Loire, I can promise you that nothing you said over the last few minutes changed my opinion about you. At all."

"I see what you did there. After hearing myself, I'm inclined to agree… but seriously, I know this whole thing has been awkward from start to finish, but thank you. You helped Squall and Rinoa and even if you're not family, you helped mine. That makes you important in my book, if you ever need anything, just ask."

"You're welcome. And I know that you're tired, and worried about today, and probably haven't slept a full night since you were told your son died. I also know that you're a good person - don't worry so much about what others think. Not everyone has to address you by name or even like you, although…you do have a way of managing to get a smile – even if that wasn't your intent. And who knows, one day I may just follow through with your idea of joining the World Council. I'm sure a letter from the President of Esthar may hold some merit."

It wasn't the worst exchange that could've happened, plus Laguna felt as if he could close that chapter of his life, or Squall's life, or someone's life. It didn't matter - just as long as it was closed. Lauren did have a part in all this and it was nice to end it on a positive note…much better than the earlier piranha attack he'd envisioned.

Thankfully, a miracle happened although Laguna's standards of a 'miracle' might've been extremely low at the moment – it turns out, her trusted gaggle of SeeDs needed her. Or maybe it was a swarm, or a herd, or was it his earlier pack of SeeDs?

"My apologies, I'm needed with my squad. We'll talk further once Commander Leonhart arrives."

"_Ah-ha! It's a Squad of SeeDs,_" Laguna thought in victory. Fine, maybe he knew that from all his years in the military, but his little game had been the most entertaining part of this conversation, plus he'd grown fond of referring to them as an amoeba.

Saluting, she dismissed herself. "Thank you for everything, Mr. President."

He waited to she walked away but, as he turned back to look out the window, the President mumbled under his breath, "It's Laguna._ Just _Laguna."

Looking into the horizon, he couldn't help but reiterate how thankful he'd been. Not to beat a dead Behemoth, but having Rinoa and Lauren under the same roof made it impossible not to keep harping on the 'what ifs.' Because after that conversation, the longest he'd ever had with her, he saw how Squall's life would've gone. In all seriousness, Laguna could see his son and Lauren getting married for political reasons rather than for love; that was all too commonplace in these situations — frankly, it was one that Laguna had seen it far too often.

He looked down at his finger, which still felt incredibly naked without his ring, he smiled as he thought, _"Raine, if you had anything do with this and how it turned out…thank you, thank you, thank you."_

Yep…his romantic side was going to take another victory lap, just for the hell of it.

* * *

He was better, but not well, and that would have to be enough. It had to be.

It didn't diminish what he was going through, but at least he'd found a way to turn the past into a strength. He'd overcome far worse than this – if walking into a room was his biggest challenge today, he'd count his blessings. However, given that Rinoa was determined to become a part of this - entirely against his advice - he knew the biggest challenges were yet to come. To put it mildly, his wife could be…challenging.

As to what he'd find on the other side the door, he wasn't certain. The SeeDs could feel betrayed or angry and there was some serious question as to whether they'd even recognize his authority, especially with Lauren standing next to him.

Now he was just coming up with excuses and trying to talk himself out of this. Even he knew he was being ridiculous - these SeeDs had the concept of the chain of command drilled into them since some of them were five years old.

No more excuses. Now was the time to remember he was the person Rinoa had believed he could be years before, even if took him a little longer to realize it. His friends knew. Now he did too. He knew who he was – a SeeD commander and a former knight who'd soon be a knight and former SeeD commander. He really did like the sound of that.

Taking a deep breath, he clasped his hands together, about to open the door.

"Shit."

The moment his hand touched it, he realized he still had his wedding ring on, it triggered an internal debate – would they notice? They could be too shocked that he was breathing rather than what was on his finger. But maybe he was selling them short as it would only take one person to notice and ask questions.

Then again, what the hell did it matter? Let them ask. It was like he thought about earlier, there were certain questions he didn't mind answering - his wedding ring would be chief among them. Maybe he should've taken it off, but it wouldn't be the first, and absolutely not the last, thing said about him. It was surprising how easy the decision was. Of course, he probably should've talked to Rinoa about this. He didn't know how she'd feel as they weren't going to be thrilled to see her either way.

Actually, for all he knew, she could already be inside. It had taken him almost a half hour to get here. She still had to get ready and take a shower and he had an inkling that she wasn't exactly going to rush to get here. Guess the only way he'd find out if she was there was to step in.

So, with ring on his finger, he took a few deep calming breaths as he reassured himself that it would be like riding a bike. As soon as he stepped in, his mind would automatically go into commander mode – a thought that was equal parts comforting and frightening.

This was the beginning of the end of his career, so he might as well relish that feeling. A thin smile graced his lips, disappearing just as quickly as he opened the door.

Scanning the room, he noticed Rinoa wasn't there. He was thankful that she hadn't walked into this without having someone in her corner. Speaking of corners, that was where several SeeDs were congregating. It looked as if Lauren was there as they were gathered around a table looking at some type of map or floor plans. It also seemed that Zell was absent, but Squall remembered some discussion of meeting Ward on the bridge the night before. As far as the others, they didn't notice him right away, but that great discovery was only moments away.

Across the room, by a large picture window, was Laguna - most likely keeping his distance on purpose. Honestly, Squall couldn't blame him. In fact, he sort of wished he could follow suit. Seeing him standing there just proved how his life had turned upside in such a short period when he was actually comforted by that fact.

"Commander on deck," Lauren said without missing a beat.

She immediately presented with the SeeD salute, her eyes trained on him. He knew that if she looked at the others to make sure they followed suit, they could question his authority – and even hers. The rest of them slowly followed suit, although their hesitation was evident. He could see the SeeDs from Galbadia moved with more hustle than the ones from Balamb. It was likely due to residual shock.

He returned the salute. It felt…odd, especially when he was the only SeeD member not wearing a uniform. But that was okay; he much preferred his Ragnarok activewear.

"At ease," he ordered, "I want everyone to go over their assignments for the current mission. The objective is as follows – apprehend the target alive without casualties. Any questions about the mission itself can be directed towards myself or Commander Rachels. Feet on the ground in one hour."

And just like that, he was commander again.

* * *

_ **_**Chapter Ninety: The Vengeance Factor**_  
** _

* * *

 

Squall Leonhart had become the SeeD Commander.

Returning to duty felt as natural as breathing. He didn't classify that as a good thing – it was merely fact. He thought there would have been a period of transition – from the man he was on the other side of the door to the man they had groomed since childhood. There wasn't. After that first salute, he'd instantly reclaimed the role he'd been playing all his life. If he thought about that at its core, the implications were terrifying.

Was _this _who he really was, all he could ever be? Or was he the man who woke up next to his wife this morning – naked and emotionally exposed? If he had any say in this, the latter was the man he wanted to be. The husband. The son. The friend. But the role of commander fit him like a second skin while the other felt like he had stolen someone else's life. But he didn't mind being a thief and, rightful owner or not, he refused to give it back.

Maybe the fault lied within him because when he walked on deck, he'd expected the two worlds he'd been living in to collide and explode upon impact. Now, as he continued on SeeD assignments, he realized that had never been in the realm of possibility because those two worlds weren't on crash course – this time, they ran parallel. He had to be the best SeeD he could be so he could be the best husband he could be.

Of the eight SeeDs on the Ragnarok, four were from Balamb, one from Trabia and Galbadia rounded out the rest. There were no doubt the ones from his home Garden had been in the most disbelief but, after the shock had worn off, they too had fallen back into their roles – like him, it came naturally.

If he took a moment to take a step back and looked at it with newfound objectivity, it was almost sad – being lied to hadn't phased them a bit. There was no real emotion, only salutes. It was part of the life they had all grown up into - subterfuge was as normal as breathing and killing.

It sickened him; that was the moment he knew who he was for sure. He wasn't standing there as Balamb Garden's Commander and SeeD's savior, he was finally the man he wanted to be – Squall Leonhart. Today had become more than a mission - it would serve as the epitaph to his SeeD career and the prologue to his future.

As for now, he was studying blueprints, committing them to memory. Kiros had secured the plans to the building that housed Timber's key governmental offices – a fairly straightforward design, albeit three stories. Squall and Lauren had the large grayscale paper spread like a tablecloth over a break table in the Ragnarok's crew area. From the blueprints registered with the city, the bottom floor looked as if it mostly consisted of offices that dealt with public relations - zoning department, city auditor, a room for town hall meetings and, ironically, a vault that housed blueprints and floor plans registered with the city. The second and third stories housed the heart and soul of Timber - with the exception of a few conference rooms of varying sizes, the two floors were comprised of offices. From what he gathered, the target should be on the third floor but, for safety concerns, they'd have to begin evacuating the building in a precise and orderly fashion. Of course, he couldn't be entirely sure how up-to-date these blueprints were. When Rinoa showed up, he'd run all this by her to make sure their information was current.

For over fifteen minutes, Squall had been instructing the SeeDs on how they would proceed as Lauren stood intently beside him. The interim-commander wasn't overly thrilled but, for now, she abdicated all authority to him. But once they hit the ground, the heart and soul of this mission would be hers. She was aware –_ very_ aware – of this fact. So, she remained vigilant, listening to orders from Balamb's current commander for a final time.

It hadn't been too long after Squall's arrival when Zell had made his grand entrance, which had been made a lot less 'grand' after he was showed-up by a dead guy. Squall almost felt bad that he'd stolen the martial artist's big moment. At least, if all went according to plan, Zell would have a full day or so of hero worship before Squall returned to Garden. Personally, anything that differed attention from him was considered a good thing in his book.

As far as assignments, Zell would be working with the Estharian forces today. He'd opted out of Squall's briefing as most of it was simply going to be the rehashing of information. After the initial entrance and mandatory salutes, he'd said a few words to the SeeDs he knew before going over to Laguna. It seems that the President was apparently still guarding his space in front of the window from the evil SeeDs as Squall hadn't seen the guy budge a centimeter. Whatever his father and Zell were discussing, the latter seemed overly animated at the situation.

Honestly, Squall had no idea what the two were talking about, or if it was even mission-related; honestly, he was afraid to venture a guess. All he could say for sure is that, from his peripheral vision, he constantly saw arms flailing about like wayward Malboro tentacles. It was…distracting, but at least his friend seemed passionate. Zell could literally be talking about anything under the sun – from this mission to Chocobo racing. Whatever it was, Squall was positive he'd be filled in on every minute detail later either by one, or likely both, of them. Maybe it was a bad idea to have them working surveillance together. At least Squall and Kiros would be there to keep the duo in check, although it wouldn't be needed. No matter what, all jokes aside, those two would take this mission seriously so he harbored no doubts.

As for Ward, he was still on the Ragnarok's flight deck as far as the commander knew. The aide was serving as liaison between both Timber's police and SeeD. Once they landed far enough outside the city, his first job was to contact Timber PD and alert them to the ship's presence so they wouldn't be alarmed. Right now, the cover story was that the Ragnarok was parked on the mainland to meet up with SeeD cadets from Galbadia Garden; once everyone was aboard, the ship would be flying to Nanchucket Island to run training exercises. Thankfully, because the area was centrally located, they had done something similar many times before, so it didn't raise suspicion.

And his wife? Squall suspected that she'd needed a few minutes to herself…either that or she was currently engaged in an epic battle with the Ragnarok's shower. Unlike randomly encountering monsters in the field, this fight was destined to be one-on-one as he, himself, had gained experience earlier.

Poor Rinoa, she had no idea of the enemy that lay in wait. He imagined that the shower's opening move would be the time-honored '_fluctuate between scolding, lukewarm, and freezing_' water temperatures. She'd then attack with '_profound grumbling'_ or maybe even '_the rare curse word_.' However, not to be outdone, the shower would quickly mount a counterattack with '_low water pressure_' – sadly, this would also be its finishing move as it celebrated in victory. He made a mental note to comfort her tonight about the traumatic defeat or, if in the rare event she'd won, to write a check to Esthar to cover the cost of repairs.

As for him, although he regained his position, he knew that Lauren was like a shark circling. So far she'd been silent, even still, her presence was definitely known, although he'd stop short of saying, "Because her fin was sticking out of the water" as he had more respect for her than that. She excelled at leadership and he did care about her, but that also didn't mean that he'd purposely dangle his feet in the ocean. If she sensed any weakness, especially in regards to Rinoa, she wouldn't be shy about telling the headmaster he was unfit for duty.

Lauren didn't know his history, yet with a single scenario, she could take this mission away – he'd be damned if he allowed that to happen. He'd make sure that he and Rinoa's fate would not be in Lauren's fucking hands.

"Two and two at all access points." Squall pointed to the main entrance and then the second floor landing. "The sweep will be done systemically, room by room. Dawson, McNeill - clear the first floor. Phillips and Ryan - the second."

"Barrett and I will approach the office from the-"

Talk about fate.

The first time Lauren opened her mouth, she couldn't even finish a single instruction. Her words abruptly ended mid-sentence. It appeared as though something had taken precedence over actually accomplishing something. A mistake the SeeDs would _not_ make twice. She turned to the left, the direction most of them were looking. Surprise. Honestly, she should've predicted this, but maybe that spoke to her abilities, given the fact that she _hadn't_. It was a severe oversight on her part, one she'd make damn sure wouldn't be made twice.

That didn't mean that she wasn't irritated, if anything, she was even more so. However, her ire wasn't completely directed towards the SeeDs' insubordination, rather toward Leonhart and his continued streak of making poor choices. Honestly, she understood her squadron's momentary shock, although it spoke volumes that having their dead commander walk through the door was far less horrifying than having Rinoa walk in.

This also solidified her concerns. No matter how brilliant the commander's normal abilities were, Lauren had to question whether he'd be in top form given the newest distraction that sauntered through the door… You know, as if they _weren't _having an important briefing that could mean the difference between life and death for all parties involved. But, by all means, have the glorified secretary be an equal part of the mission just because, to quote a Galbadian pop star, Leonhart decided to '_put a ring on it_.'

Maybe she shouldn't be so bitter, but this could singlehandedly be the most important day of her entire career and Rinoa decided the logical course of action would be to waltz on deck in front of her entire squadron. Lauren had _wrongly_ been under the impression that the newly-minted Mrs. Leonhart would employ basic logic – as in stay in her quarters and out of the limelight until the SeeDs left.

But alas, the interim commander had been severely mistaken - like a moon stone or energy crystal, logic was a rare and valuable commodity around here, apparently.

She also feared that with Rinoa around, Squall's attention would be split. Right now, his ability to lead, how he went about handling this situation, would set the tone for the rest of the mission. Then again, how she, _herself_, handled it would also speak volumes.

"Eyes forward." By itself, the tone relayed the severity of her order. The SeeDs complied, but it was only a temporary solution at best. Years of building animosity wouldn't miraculously be smothered by giving them the command to simply 'get over it.'

"Listen to Commander Rachels." Squall excused himself much to Lauren's dismay, although he did offer a stern word of warning. "You _are_ SeeDs. If you want it to remain that way, fucking act like it."

Rinoa knew that there would be some resistance. She'd hoped that her social-pariah status would've peaked at Irvine and Selphie's wedding and then hit a plateau at the funeral but, given their looks of unadulterated hatred, she was wrong. However, she had something major going for that she didn't have at either of those – Squall standing with her…okay, having him stand across from her in the wedding party _did not_ count on a technicality. But to be honest, he didn't look overly thrilled to see her.

"We had an agreement. You were to call to the bridge for an escort."

The expression that accompanied his words said it all; Squall was being formal, trying to keep himself emotionally-distant. She suddenly had the feeling she'd made a huge mistake.

"Squall, we cleared the ship of Propagators, think I can handle a SeeD or two… Especially if they're walking as matching pairs," she began with a forced smile, trying to ignore the accusatory glances. When he was silent, she thought maybe referencing their earlier conversation may help…she just needed _something_ because all she was getting was nothing. She'd lived with nothing before - it wasn't good.

"Hey, as you can see, I opted for _plan A_ and showed up fully-dressed…although with the looks I'm getting, I don't think it would've mattered if I'd chosen _plan B_."

Her attempted humor didn't faze him and neither did the dig at the SeeDs. His expression remained firm and his posture tense. Then it hit her – _this was it_. It was _that_ feeling,_ that_ fear. The very thing that scared her since the moment their eyes met in the rain. The fear that once he went back, she'd be an afterthought just as she was before; she could never be his first choice, because he'd always belong to SeeD.

It was a lot to take in from silence, but it was easy to jump to that conclusion. She saw how he couldn't look directly at her – and she was pretty damn hard to miss.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come down," she whispered softly. So much for her plan to speak to all of them about her idea - she couldn't even speak to her husband. Maybe the best thing to do was to play it off, act as if it was a mistake. In a way, _it was_.

"I mean…I said something about showing up at the meeting and you didn't say not to so… I sorta thought we talked about it, but I probably misheard." She ended with a pitiable laugh.

An awkward silence followed. She felt the heaviness of his eyes mixing with the weight of all the others.

"I'm sorry...I'll go to my room." She purposely said 'hers' instead of 'theirs' to make a point, but the guilt was immediate. Rinoa let out a defeated sigh. "I'll follow orders and ask Laguna to be my escort."

….Fine. Maybe not that guilty.

At least there were two friendly faces in room. She couldn't be sure, but they appeared to be just as confused by Squall's actions – or lack of – as she had been but, she doubted they could be anywhere near as hurt. Yet the moment she began to leave, a hand grabbed her bicep, but it retracted just as hastily. If Squall wanted her attention, _he had it._ It wasn't so much by his action, rather by the hand he used. It was his left - wedding ring and all.

"Wait," he mumbled under his breath.

She did.

Placing his hand on his forehead, he needed to quickly organize his thoughts. This process would normally take far longer, but given the situation, he had to settle for the extremely-condensed version. Still, no amount of sorting, self-scolding, or realization would ever make up for how fucking stupid he'd been. Part of being a SeeD was to be actively aware of all possible outcomes, not just those that happened to be convenient – that didn't even take into account he wasn't just any ordinary SeeD, but the goddamned leader.

Being the commander also meant knowing that drama, especially unnecessary drama, was a bad thing, a _very bad_ thing.

That went beyond a cadet-level mistake. It was more along the lines of a 'first day at Garden' mistake – sadly, that was only a slight exaggeration. On the first day of class, students are divided into groups where they listen as instructors offer firm warnings. One of the first rules the children hear is something like, "In class we do _not_ chew gum as it sticks to everything." In the next breath, "We also_ do_ _not _to get caught up in gossip and drama – those too have a way of sticking to everything."

Right now, gum stuck on his shoe would've been far more preferable to the mess he found himself stepping in.

Yes, in their quarters, he and Rinoa had openingly discussed her showing up. The words seemed easy, but there'd been far too much wishful thinking and not enough actual thinking. He still wanted Rinoa to help, but sort of in that behind-the-scenes way, much as how the entire mission had been. Now he realized that they should've talked this out a little more. When spending so much time staring at the big picture, it's often the little things overlooked in the process – a fact that Lauren had become acutely aware of.

Squall didn't know what was hyperbole or what was accuracy, but he was fairly certain that her eyes were currently boring through the base of his skull. Thankfully for him, Lauren didn't possess any mutant-like powers or laser beam eyes that cut through bone with surgical precision but, it felt strangely close. It also didn't take a genius to know that she wasn't alone in her efforts. It was a safe bet that several pairs of eyes joined in her one gigantic death glare.

Unfortunately, it was an even safer bet that the SeeDs' anger had been vastly misdirected - therein lied the problem. Today, several agencies needed to work in harmony and, like a building, there had to be proper support and, in this instance, it had to be a sturdy foundation of trust.

…And yet all he could see was the splinters and cracks.

If Squall were to do an about face, calling them out on their game, he'd likely find only one person looking at him – the one person holding him rightly accountable. For everyone else, it was about the drama and the perceived source of it. In their eyes, that was a line drawn long ago and it ended right at Rinoa.

He remembered this feeling and if familiarity bred contempt, he should be seething by the bucket.

Personally, he'd be hard-pressed to classify it as déjà vu; however, he knew that the majority of the SeeDs standing behind him had already drawn their own conclusions. In their eyes, there was no question that it was déjà vu and the only thing different was the year printed on the calendar. It didn't matter how loosely the truth was applied, they'd find a way to parallel this situation to the past, especially when the 'common denominator' just so happened to walk in the room shortly after he did.

It was because of that, and from past experience, he knew exactly how the dots connected in the SeeDs' mind. The problem was that those dots turned into notes, until they formed a familiar tune of the past. No matter how obvious the differences were to him, for those who truly didn't understand, would echo their own chorus. Like the fact that Rinoa had 'stolen' him from Quistis and now from Lauren - different verses, different women, yet the same flubbed notes.

In that moment, Squall realized that certain realities couldn't be stopped and, try as they might, the past would always find a way to repeat itself. And because of that, it didn't t matter what Squall said to those in the room, any effort would likely end up even more damning. Trust had taken him years earn, yet only a fraction of a second to break; he was never more certain that trust in its purest form was the most fragile thing known to man.

He was torn. He knew exactly how they felt about Rinoa, but he also had grown to the SeeDs serving under him; he never regretted his decision, but he regretted they found out like this. He'd found a camaraderie with many at Garden after he hit bottom and, in turn, many felt invested in their commander. When he finally opened himself up to a new relationship, he found unlikely support from those at Garden as many viewed Lauren as 'one of them.'

And that had been the catalyst to today's downfall – _that_ investment, _that_ support - those were aspects that he'd glossed over. To every SeeD, present or otherwise, Lauren _was_ Squall's girlfriend – long term girlfriend at that.

When Squall walked on deck and Lauren remained unfazed, not even an extra blink, there was an implied assumption that she'd already known. Which, she did. To them, she and Squall were partners in the mission. Which, she was…well, _sort of_.

All of that was well-and-good – that was until his former-sorceress-girlfriend sashayed onto deck. Lauren looked slightly taken aback to that, so the SeeDs would've taken that into account too. With his past and current girlfriends both within arm's reach, the mission's parameters became even confusing….actually, confusing was an understatement. Hell, the way that the majority first glared at Rinoa, it probably wouldn't have made a difference if she had opted for _plan B_ – or what she'd earlier joked about as showing up naked. Honestly, once the rumor mill started churning, that would turn into the script of how this went down…well, almost. Add in the details she was carrying his balls and, before Lauren could utter a single word, the sorceress mercilessly cast a Death spell on the unsuspecting SeeD.

The truth? In Squall's opinion, a far more likely scenario would be Lauren casting the Death spell on him instead – the anger in her eyes having not gone unnoticed.

The even bigger truth? Lauren had absolutely every right to be upset.

When it came down to it, command demanded respect. If the SeeDs no longer respected him or his decisions, those raw emotions could subconsciously bleed into their work. He could continuously roar verbal warnings one on top of another but, without respect, his words would simply have no merit. The SeeDs may have interpreted this as betrayal…a pattern Squall found had had repeated itself far too often as of late.

Putting all that aside, Squall had done something far worse, but sometimes the smallest threads could do the most damage, he could have inadvertently unraveled the entire mission. He'd not only fractured his trust with the others but, both through actions _and_ inactions, he'd jeopardized Lauren's standing with SeeD as well.

He could blame it on his injury, his lack of sleep, or several other things, hell some may even be valid, but those were excuses and taking responsibility for his own actions had sort of become his new life's motto.

"You didn't mishear. We both know that," he finally admitted as he contemplated his next move.

Right now, it was about damage control and they'd have to find a way to move forward accordingly, Rinoa and Lauren included. However, the real key to this would be the SeeDs – the mission's failure or success rested on them. Whether they believed it or not, Squall's warnings had been entirely serious; they'd also be entirely reiterated until they sank in because, personal feelings aside, they represented SeeD and needed to fucking act like it.

Maybe it was time he tried not only to convince them, but also himself, that Rinoa's appearance was a life lesson that went beyond the mission. No matter what path they would end up choosing in life, there would always be unforeseen factors, obstacles, or distractions – even a single person. Or, in extremely rare cases, it could even be about a random girl at a dance who just happened to look up at the right time. Being successful wasn't about becoming angry or placing blame and, if they happened to fall along the way, or trip over someone like Nida and his date on the dance floor, it was how they got up and carried themselves afterwards. The key was being able to think on your feet, mitigate damages, and then continue to move with the music.

"Squall, I'm so sorry." Rinoa choked out the words, but she held no illusions. She'd expected to be met with an icy reception, but what she didn't expect was the same from Squall.

For much of her adult life, she'd been at odds with SeeD and no difficult-to-muster apology would set things right. It never got easier to walk into a room were half of the people cursed your very existence, the other half just plain didn't like you. But walk in she did and with held head held high, although some of her courage was an illusion – or maybe it was just the product of stubborn will. Still, no matter how difficult, it paled in comparison to what she felt walking into her friends' wedding and then the funeral without anyone at her side.

For that fact alone, she'd credit the man standing in front of her, because icy reception or not, he was on her side – even if he wasn't physically 'at her side.' She also realized how difficult this was for him as he'd found himself planted smack in the center of another crossroads. So, she'd give him a pass - even if it was an icy reception, ice was known to melt.

It was then Squall opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but stopped himself just as quickly. Instead, he found himself looking towards Zell and Laguna in some sort of unspoken guidance – _that _was a reality that hadn't quite sunken in. He'd already found himself drowning under the weight of pressure and it bothered him to think that they were over there silently judging him too. To be fair, whatever their opinions were in regards to him and his actions – they were absolutely right. Squall already felt as if there were too many cooks in the kitchen as it was and he was feeling like a fat, juicy filet mignon.

This time when he opened his mouth, actual words followed. "No need to apologize…. I've made some recent decisions that could've been thought out better - decisions that may require some damage control."

She had to blink…and then blink again.

As if this whole thing wasn't surreal enough, he made it even…well, she'd go with 'surrealer' - because non-made-up words just wouldn't fit the occasion. If she was apologetic before, she wasn't any longer.

If she was apologetic before, she wasn't any longer.

It wasn't so much his words, although she was none too thrilled with them either, but it was detached tone – no, _overwhelmingly_-detached tone. He could have been talking about paint dry with more feeling. It couldn't even be classified professionalism, she'd get that. Instead, it was a severe lack of, well, literally _everything_. And yes, she meant 'literally' as it was just that void of everything and she was just that irritated - so over exaggerating and misusing the language felt entirely warranted in this case. Worse yet, he'd taken her silence as an invitation to continue, an invitation that she would quickly feel the need to reply to.

"Rinoa, I don't mind that you want to be involved, but I should've-"

And that was it - there would be no more blinking in confusion. Correction: there would be no blinking in confusion on _her part_. However, after she said a word or two – or a hundred and two – her husband may be the one blinking. For his own good, she's stop him from finishing whatever cockamamie thought he was in the middle of – call it a compassionate act of humanity, at least for the sake of their marriage – she'd point that out later in private. Rinoa was still mindful of the audience, so her feelings were demonstrated through tone rather than volume. In fact, her voice was barely a whisper.

"You don't mind that I want to be _involved_? Was that before or after you showed up not once, but _twice _at my house? Was the not minding me being _involved _part before or after you sent me out in FH to gather information at a crime scene _and_ speak to the victims children? Or better yet, when you didn't mind me being _involved _as human bait to persuade an alleged serial killer into confessing? Those are just few highlights. I could list plenty more, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind being _involved_ in this conversation."

After taking a deep breath, she returned to a normal tone, although it was doubtful the SeeDs could hear them over the ambient sounds. Then again, they were probably straining to hear every syllable that they could piece together and/or practicing the highly-skilled art of reading lips.

"You don't mind that I want to be '_involved_'?" she said again, as maybe repetition would drive home her point. If he still failed at rudimentary logic, she'd also placed her hands up to make air quotes this time. "Seriously? Today is about Zone, of course, I'm _'involved._' He is my-"

"Your ring…you took it off?"

And just like that, she'd become completely disarmed.

Behind his eyes, there laid an almost primal fear. The emotional rawness had caught her off guard, yet there was something deep within the rawness that she found beautiful. It was real, genuine. There was an almost intimate quality reserved just for her.

She wanted nothing more than to reassuringly gather him into her arms, but that wasn't happening anytime soon. So, she'd have to find another way to ease his mind. With a quick motion of her finger, she pointed to the large window, the one that stood directly opposite to where Zell had his father had been working.

She never questioned that he'd go; he never hesitated to follow.

It was surprisingly easy, using her eyes to guide him so he was beside her as they both remained mindful of the distance between them. He stood closest to the SeeDs, slightly blocking their line-of-sight, a maneuver entirely by her design. In silence, they stood together each facing the window, looking at the borders of Timber's northern forests.

Maybe all this secrecy was entirely in vain as even a five-year-old could realize that they were back on speaking terms. Rinoa cleared her throat to gain his attention and he quickly obliged, turning his head towards her, although his body remained forward. This time, when she put her hand up, it wasn't to make air quotes, it was so she could clasp the ring through the material of her t-shirt.

He knew.

The moment her fingers retraced their once-familiar path, no explanation was needed. No matter the gossip going on behind her, she managed a content smile. It was small, but genuine and, for now, that's all either could ask for.

And maybe her smile was contagious, because he couldn't help himself as his lips turned up into a thin smile. It was relief. It was an apology. It was a genuine moment of happiness. And most of all, it was silent communication between two who understood the language.

Rinoa caught a glimpse of his smile, but that had been intentional. Turning back, he rejoined her to admire the view but, in the process, ended up making a breakthrough discovery, one that actually seemed a tad bit obvious given their environment. He found that with a slight shift to the right, the glass acted like a mirror, superimposing her image over the darker pine trees. It had taken him far too long to realize this, but he did have more important things on his mind until now – at least, that was the story he was sticking with if she brought it up later. It was obvious by her Cheshire-grin like smile that she'd already discovered this and was likely feeling confident with her victory. He'd give her that…he'd also give her credit regarding the ring. As far as that went, he couldn't blame her for removing it.

Talk about irony, Rinoa had been the one to side logic while he landed on the side of emotions. Somewhere in the past, his seventeen-year-old self would like to have a serious talk with him – and somewhere else in the past, seventeen-year-old Rinoa would like to 'squee' while flinging herself into his arms.

"Mr. Leonhart, it really is just like old times, isn't it?" She kept up formal pretense, but her tone was different - mature and soft. "Here we are, standing aboard the Ragnarok, worried about what comes next and, once again, I'm wearing a wedding ring around my neck, holding it for comfort."

"A ring, you say?"

This was a far cry from how he'd spoken to the SeeDs just minutes before; moreover, it was a far cry from how he'd spoken to her just moments before. His tone bordered on professional and held an air of confidence, even if the actual words betrayed that. Something in his cadence was reminiscent of how he sounded at meetings; to his own ears, it sounded like all those times that he'd been forcibly made to address the higher-ups. Using it with her, felt unnatural-natural. Still, nothing to her was spoken 'forcibly' and, most of all, unlike those meetings, he believed every word spoken.

"I guess that means that wherever you go, you'll know that someone is always thinking about you and loves you very much."

"That would mean the same for you sir… I see you're wearing a ring too. I guess that also means somebody loves you very much."

"It does."

He let out a sound that Rinoa assumed was supposed to be a small laugh, although it came across something akin to a small snort. It was cute, an opinion she was smart enough to keep to herself. Instead, she tried to mask her smile as he continued.

Squall changed the topic slightly, nodding towards the ring that she was still clasping over her t-shirt. "String?"

"Huh? What? Did you…Oh! No, no, not at all."

Many people were fully aware of the five stages of grieving but, according to Zone and Watts and the official document they had framed for her office - Rinoa had mastered the five stages of confusion – confusion, _more_ confusion, questioning, understanding, and finally, answering. Sometimes she'd adlib, tossing in the bonus sixth stage of '_even more_ confusion' but the graphic designer had run out of room and said that he'd have to charge for the larger size, so they'd kept it at five. It was oddly accurate on many occasions, such as this. However, once she worked out the meaning of Squall's one-word question, the answer left her mouth with a mischievous giggle.

"You know me, risk taker, the type who likes to dance naked in the rain. String would've been too simple and I tend to prefer the complex. So…spare wire."

"Resourceful…and _interesting_."

"Thank you, I try." Try? She didn't know what she was trying because she'd only been naked in the rain once and that was with him. Still, maybe she'd make him wonder for a little bit. "To be honest, it wasn't easy, but I saw a small cabinet in the bathroom. Took a little luck and a lotta balancing, but it all worked out."

"My ring and a cabinet, you're on a roll. It also means that _someone _is far more observant than the group of highly-trained mercenaries over there. The same group who wrongly believe they are pulling off 'stealthy' as they stare at us. In reality, they're like a Behemoth in a tutu – goddamn obvious. Scary as hell considering that Sirtis caught on in basically no time." Sadly, his comment was only made partially in jest. He hadn't raised his voice, but that had used restraint.

"To be fair, Lauren figured it out…so, yeah, there's that." …And god help her, Rinoa was praising Lauren's abilities or at least pointing out that she was as smart as a serial killer…or something.

"Finest military minds in the world, right? At this point, I'd rather be commanding the Behemoth wearing a tutu, as apparently, teaching a monster to do ballet is easier than teaching these SeeDs to get a clue. Yes, I'm irritated and I'm venting about SeeD, but turns out they can gawk at their dead commander and his former girlfriend, yet still manage to overlook the wedding ring."

It wasn't funny. It wasn't.

…But it was.

She couldn't help that her reaction had been to giggle in return. Then again, maybe the comparison wasn't accurate – if he'd glued a small tutu his ring, _only_ then it would be fair. Half of her response had been born from happiness; he was talking about work, even if he'd only been back twenty minutes. It was nice, it was normal...well, maybe again not the whole tutu thing, but she had a gut feeling that's was as close to 'normal' as they'd get. She'd gladly take it.

"Well, that is…_interesting_, I must say. However, Commander Leonhart, I'll admit that I'm slightly at a loss of how to respond to any of that. I'll need clarification on two points. First, you stated that you'd rather be '_commanding the Behemoth wearing a tutu.' _Now, in your example, who is wearing the tutu? You or the Behemoth, because the way you said it, it could go either way. Second, I'm questioning the term 'former' girlfriend. Do mean former, as in an ex that you no longer see or do you mean former as in she's no longer _that _but rather something else now?"

"That's classified. I'm sorry."

"You're _so_ not…" She let out an exaggerated sigh as she wondered how many times he'd try that excuse. It seemed to be his go-to response if he didn't want to answer. But, as soon as they were in Timber, she'd make damn sure that he resigned that excuse along with his command.

For some reason, while thinking about Squall and his resignation from SeeD, she felt this inexplicable need to see what he was leaving behind, who he wasleaving behind. Garden had had been his life and, no matter their feelings towards her, she'd always carry that degree of guilt – which could've been fuelling her morbid curiosity

As far as the SeeDs, Rinoa had briefly glanced at them when she walked in, but was careful to avoid eye contact. They'd never know the true irony; they accused her of being an all-powerful being that could not only take over their commander, but take over the world and yet their eyes held no fear as they'd stared her down. She, on the other hand, couldn't even meet their gaze without a physical reaction, sometimes it would be anxiety, sometimes she'd be nauseated, sometimes she'd even feel faint, and sometimes, it was all three.

Maybe that's why she had to do this, a 'last stand' moment that was hers to seize. Besides gossip fodder, it wouldn't mean anything to them, but it had meaning to her – call it therapeutic. Plus, there was a certain comfort having Squall standing by her side this time – both figuratively _and_ literally.

It was easy to look past Squall, she didn't even know if he was able to tell. Lauren wasn't looking, which was a relief. She'd been visibly engaged with the group, looking as if she was mapping out something on the large paper. However, the group wasn't nearly as engaged with Commander Rachels. Some, if not all, looked as if they were feigning paying attention.

If Rinoa hadn't been the main attraction, she might've commended them on how impressively eight individuals created a single unit. As if on cue, each took turns looking up without ever being caught by Lauren. Maybe in the future, Rinoa would look back at this experience and laugh at how much time they'd put into the chorography. Although, the far more plausible answer was a combination of covert-ops training and a pinch of luck. However, it was far more entertaining picturing them wasting countless hours below deck to work on this "just in case" the occasion to use it would arise.

But, the biggest story wasn't the SeeD dance crew, rather it was that she hadn't turned away. She'd end up looking at each one when possible, as the absurdity certainly helped ease the situation, although she knew that hadn't been their intent. Seriously, after a while she felt as she kept looking because it was a puzzle and she was trying to solve the seemingly-intricate pattern. It wasn't an exact science, but it would be like - one would look down, two more would look up in unison, one of them looked down, then another looked up, two stopped simultaneously, and then repeat.

…Actually, there was visual comparison, a rather good one courtesy of Watts and his children's obsession with those kid-oriented pizza parlors with tons of games. Rinoa was witnessing a life-size version of _SeeD whack-a-mole_. It was perfect…and possibly marketable. If her other random ideas of television production or inn keeping went south, there was also the world of video game designs - there had to be demand for 'Whack-a-SeeD.' Maybe they could be emerging from Fire Caverns and hitting them enough would disqualify them from SeeD? She'd get Selphie on that to do marketing. Rinoa already envisioned that Galbadian army would likely buy several thousand copies…seriously, _not _the mercenaries' greatest fans.

And, speaking of 'greatest fans,' it wouldn't take much in the way of convincing to get her father to purchase a few dozen units – just place Squall's face on all the SeeDs and it would be a bona fide hit in the Caraway household. Again, maybe this was a thought that should be kept to herself although, after her father finds out she's married to the man, hitting his son-in-law with a pixilated mallet might prove quite therapeutic.

She turned back, stepping aside again so Squall blocked her from their sight. For some reason, she'd taken what would've been something horrible and made it comical. She couldn't help the huge smile, or the fact she had to keep covering her mouth to hide the laughter. It was likely that her reaction just infuriated the SeeDs, but it also piqued the curiosity of the man who'd remained beside her.

"Did I miss something?"

"A lot."

She paused briefly before her quite laughter grew deeper. "Actually, you missed a lot – _a lot_ – as in a 'surrealer' tutu'ed Behemoth's worth."

He wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that answer or even if it qualified as an answer as opposed to random words arbitrarily strung together; ironically enough, to be technical, he doubted that some of those even qualified as words. That was a rather Rinoa-like quality in and of itself and double that when she was nervous or felt cornered, which both of those were currently applicable. Well, it was either an accumulation of those stressors or, returning to his previous theory, the Ragnarok's shower evolved since his turn this morning. Learning the art of magic, it had skillfully cast 'Confuse' on Rinoa unbeknownst to her. Honestly, making sense or not, it didn't matter – if inventing words kept her smile intact, she could create her own damn lexicon. And him? He'd just be thankful she found a way to hold onto her humor; in his line of work, it was a quality that was all too fleeting.

However, what wasn't fleeting, was the courage she was demonstrating, even if it had slowly began to cross into daring. All her actions had become deliberate. In fact, Squall hadn't realized everything that was happening; he'd even wrongly assumed that her prolonged silence was some sort of protest about his incessant use of "it's classified." Like her version of quid pro quo, sort of, "I won't explain my random comment _to you_, because you don't offer an explanation _to me_."

But no, it was nothing like that - it had been about standing her ground.

Silently, she took a small step forward before shifting the position of her body. He didn't know for sure, but the SeeDs were likely looking at her because she most certainly was looking at them. Even more inexplicable to him, she found humor in it. Granted, a second ago he'd been grateful that she kept a smile on her face, however, now he found it a little…concerning.

Honestly, he had no idea what was going through her mind; he feared that her soft laughter was a trigger response to the overwhelming stress. Then again, she was far from alone. In his own act of random idiocy, he wanted to give her more than his earlier evasiveness. She deserved an answer, not just a carbon-copied 'it's classified.' Since he was a teenager, it had always been a knee-jerk response if he found something difficult, emotional or otherwise. He'd call it is own version of standing his ground…or rather just the opposite. Yeah, after those garbled thoughts, maybe he should revisit the magic-wielding shower. Seriously, this gave credence to the highly-improvable, yet likely-impossible idea that the Ragnarok's shower was confusing not only Rinoa, but him as well.

"Earlier, about my answers… Now that I'm joining the ranks of civilian life, saying something's classified won't hold as much weight, not that ever did with you. As far as avoiding your question… Well, in my defense, maybe it coincides with spending too many years with Irvine and his rampant paranoia, but it sounded like a trick question. Somehow, as far as girlfriends went, there were too many _exes _and f_ormers _in your question – once that happens, there is no right answer. Also, the Behemoth wears the tutu. It's not a look I could pull off, another thing learned by spending too many years with Irvine. Before you ask – it's classified."

"Touché. Although, spending time with Irvine doesn't work as a defense – _anywhere_. Specifically, this means up to and including the following: quoting Irvine, using him as a material witness, as establishment of an alibi, basically anything that's encompassed under the greater form of jurisprudence – both civil and criminal offences. FYI that's not an opinion or hearsay, it's a global legal precedence that Selphie petitioned into all court systems. When I still was at Garden, Quistis and I helped pen the original document but, according to the legal documents that outlined our 'gross incompetence,' we were fired in lieu of a high-priced attorney who had retired – emphasis on _had_. In less than five minutes Selphie changed that – Quistis and I still recall the fear in his eyes – we're fairly certain the realized his own mortality in those moments and every breath after that was simply a gift from Selphie. We thought it was for fun…but her? Not so much, she'd really had it with Irvine."

"I have no idea if you're serious right now – scared a little bit either way."

"You should be scared, terrified even, take it from me. The girl knows how to apply herself - a Selphie-scorned is someone that even the most hardened governments cower from. In fact because of her unrelenting determination, there are four sayings in the Shumi culture that reference her greatness. One proverb can loosely be translated as, "fe_ar the petite one, she devours all. Recoil in dread, pray for the soul of the cowboy; if the hyena and the scorpion walk as one, she is angry as Armageddon roars her name. Place down all arms, repent your sins, especially the cowboy wearing hat one - the end is neigh. The end is neigh_."

"She made you memorize that, right?"

"Every damn word…Quistis and I ended up downing a shot every time we got her proverb wrong, we were drunk within five minutes. To this day, I can't even hear the word jurisprudence without becoming physically ill. Still, Selphie is scary, but she did have a point in there somewhere, using Irvine as a reason for anything is likely a bad idea, although maybe not scorpion-bonding soul-devouring bad, just plain old bad. Oh, and back to you and your comments – here's another FYI, there were **not **too many _exes_ or _formers_ in my question, rather just too many in the room."

"Ouch." His voice remained monotone, playing up the hurt angle. "And this is exactly why a highly-trained professional knows never to give info that can be used as ammunition. The only acceptable answers are - silence, name and rank, or 'it's classified.' Plus, we all know that half the fun in saying 'it's classified' is to annoy our significant other. I'm pretty sure it's in Garden's recruiting brochures…or something along those lines."

"Yeah, _riiight._ You're still a dork, or something along those lines." She bit her lip to keep from laughing again; oddly enough, she'd become more uneasy as their window-facing interlude continued.

She could feel someone passing by her, and turned just enough to see Lauren briskly walking by. The SeeD hadn't said anything, which was odd in itself, but Rinoa had the strange feeling that it was deliberate. Not to mention, with their leader gone, she was positive the moles were staring freely now, but this time she'd been smart enough not to look.

Still, she could feel her anxiety building to a crescendo and, by its own definition, the only way to go was down. Given the situation, Rinoa was leaning away from a 'an even, gradual decrease' and was more in the 'break suddenly and very badly' camp Until now, their exchange had been lighthearted and there had been a point to it - although said point had now become whittled down from something sharp, to something…well, far more rotund or maybe even flat. Still, something had been gnawing at her since their mutual discovery where he found her ring was 'missing' and she noticed his _wasn't._

Rinoa had taken yesterday's oversight with Sirtis to heart, placing the entirety of the blame onto herself. It was a mistake that could've cost them; it was also _that guilt_ which became her driving force. She'd gone out of way, so why hadn't he? There was an emotional downside to taking off the ring and she still wrestled with the residual effects, but concealment had been the right choice and, in her opinion, the _only_ choice.

In fact, with his return to SeeD, she had to wonder if his decision had been part of some covert master plan choice that had momentarily eluded her. She doubted that he'd outright forgotten logic as that seemed equally preposterous…

Actually, that seemed about as preposterous as Lauren walking back by them _without_ a snide comment about Squall's duties. Seriously, not even a glance their direction and she'd been close enough that Rinoa could've made out her reflection. It was all so strange. Lauren could've favored the other side of the crew room, closer to Laguna and Zell, but it felt as if she'd gone out of her way to walk uncomfortable close. Then again, maybe this was the SeeD's plan and this was all some sort of master tactic – make your enemy very paranoid and very uncomfortable; thinking of that way, uncomfortable silence was all very Squall-like.

"Commander Leonhart, before you return to your briefing, I need to ask you…" Asking anything with him was always easier said than done, but it wasn't something she could just blurt out especially now. Call it a rather sudden case of conspiracy-level paranoia but, the longer their conversation continued, the more suspicious she became of everything.

"…I was going to ask you about something from earlier. I'm pretty sure you can blame this on inheriting my mother's natural curiousness – well that or a natural curiosity for shiny silver clues, sorry – _my bad_ – I meant jewelry."

Okay, maybe the paranoia hadn't completely taken hold; she was feisty enough to throw a jab at the SeeDs and their ability to see the obvious, or rather, or rather lack thereof…

Oh wait! She seemed to recall a stereotype that, while moles weren't exactly blind, they were visually impaired. So, maybe shiny silver clues were hard to spot? Especially, if said moles had been whacked over the head many, many times with rubberized-mallets! Hey, at least some of the puzzle pieces began to fit… True, she remained on this side of bitter, but what did they expect when eight strangers would rather have their commander dead than married to her? Not exactly the ringing endorsement she'd hoped for, although Squall's may find himself in a similar situation - as in Caraway rather have him 'dead' than 'not dead.' However, as far as she fit into the grand scheme of sorcerers-things, it wasn't so bad. Compared to Ultimecia's plan to compress 'all time and space as we know it' or Adel's seemingly prosaic plan for world domination (a little tried and true for any sorceress, super-villain, or egomaniac, in her opinion) but a little bit of bitterness and inferring that the SeeDs were not-so-attractive subterranean mammals seemed… rather inconsequential.

At least he hadn't responded (another small favor) as she tried to wave off her SeeD comment.

"…Anyways, as I was saying, that my mother always told me that you can learn a lot about a person by what the type of jewelry or accessories they choose to wear. And on that note, I do say that I'm shocked as anyone in this room that you're wearing a ring."

He inhaled deeply and she was waiting for some sort of 'let it go' comment, but she found her wait would last a bit longer.

"Don't you mean, you would be as shocked as anyone in this room – if they had noticed? To be fair, maybe a few of them did and either didn't ask or didn't think much about it. I've worn rings before and maybe they thought it was the same – an intricately-carved platinum lion made by an expert craftsman is similar to single silver band forged by a moron." There was distinct pause and another loud breath, "Fine, a silver band forged by journalist."

He shook his head. "A few things in my life are going to take a little time. Speaking of time, when I've been going over assignments, I've kept my hand concealed as much as possible… except when it wasn't."

"It seems that those highly-trained SeeDs really _are _the finest military minds in the world."

"…Except when they aren't."

She again found herself suppressing laughter as he'd parroted his response. She shouldn't be poking the lion, especially a lion who hadn't given her an answer, well, rather the one she was looking for. In his defense, he did answer her question.

"I bet these SeeDs take after their leader…except when they don't, right?"

"Actually, I hear he's a fine example of a man, or so I've been told."

"Really? I've heard he is a pompous ass, or so I've been told. Then again, I've also been told he has a fine ass."

"I'm not touching that one." He paused briefly before offering a friendly warning. "Whatever comment you're going to make, please _don't_."

She thought about it - as in, _seriously _thought about it - but decided it wasn't worth it. Plus, honestly, she couldn't think on her feet fast enough with the perfect comeback, although she was positive it existed. Her first thought had actually been, 'what would Zell do?' Ironically, the martial artist had confided in her that it would be the logo for his radio station, if he'd miraculously fallen into millions of Gil. Ha, maybe she should invest her newfound fortune on the fledging station WWZD and then maybe the universe would find out what Zell would do. Plus, when Squall asked what happened to the checking account, she could calmly inform him it was classified.

She had no idea why, maybe she'd rediscovered an aspect of herself that the SeeDs had taken years prior. It was a small part, yet it had been the push she'd needed to confront Squall. Because theory or not, if this was a conspiracy, it was her conspiracy according to them, so she'd run with that newfound strength. Then again, 'run' might've been too strong a verb – she'd start off with more of a brisk walk. Of course, all of this was verbal, not so much physical as briskly walking off the Ragnarok would've been a tad counterproductive.

"Squall." This was the first time she hadn't addressed him formally, which was the first indicator. If that wasn't surprising, her directness would be, although some words would be substituted to protect the innocent, or rather the not-so-innocent. In reality, it was more like direct-adjacent. Plus, she had to be mindful of her tone because. Although moles were known for their bad vision, she'd bet that living in darkness they'd compensated and now had hearing that rivaled a super-hero.

"You know, it terrified me, the oversight we made while talking to…um, the environmental enthusiast. I thought neither of us would ever let it happen again so I went out of my way to make sure it didn't…and then I went out of my way today, I was so worried… and I, it's like you didn't do any of that. And here you are, you know, um, not recycling maybe? I mean, no, you know what I mean. Squall, it's not classified, it's…well, I thought it was for building a better environment, you know?"

She honestly made no sense. Yet, he understood and he loved her for every random, misplaced word. By all accounts, it should annoy the hell out of him; in the past, he wouldn't have been able to run away fast enough. Now, he found it endearing though, admittedly, he hoped it would _not_ become a daily occurrence.

What bothered him the most about her before, were actually the aspects that he was most drawn to – and he was scared as hell. That too was his answer.

He continued looking forward, although they weren't kidding anyone with the pretense. That was all right as he was no longer trying to fool anyone – a reason he'd explain later. For now, she was asking about his ring…unless she'd suddenly gotten this emotional about paper versus plastic.

"I think earlier I answered with classified because the answer was… it was a combination of things. I was going to recycle but, on the way, it wasn't the trash that broke down…"

He'd stopped.

Squall gritted his teeth, causing his jaw to square as he carried that tenseness throughout his entire body. This was difficult for him; not that he liked to admit his problems in the past, but at least he'd been able to honestly tell her they were in the past.

Now, the past had become today.

"I get it."

And she did. She didn't know whether to continue speaking in code but, honestly, it was probably more important now than any other time. She hated doing this, reducing something so serious into metaphors about garbage, but she took comfort in that old saying – the one that said one man's trash is another man's treasure. And she and Squall had never felt so rich.

"Look, I really do understand…and I'm sorry, you know you made the right choice not to…um recycle. It's like you found a can that you wanted to keep, because it brought enjoyment…playing kick the can and telephone. Plus, the only environment that needs to be built is the one we build together and… forget this. I knew what I meant earlier, now I just want to recycle…."

"Everything but me, right?" He didn't want her to blame herself, she'd done everything right.

"Exactly." Her voice went to a whisper, again throwing even more suspicion her way. Although, didn't they know anything? Obviously since she was controlling his mind, she'd be able to communicate telekinetically, at least those were the rumors she'd heard once at the corner coffee shop. So by teenage SeeD logic, it had to be true.

"This was possibly the stupidest conversation I've been a part of, which says a lot given that three days ago, Zell decided to eat breakfast as a seal and spoke to us the entire meal with straws in his nose…but I was upset and that's why I had to ask again."

He too spoke in lowered tone. "I…wasn't well before I walked in here. Those feelings…it was so familiar and it terrified me, I couldn't go back but those feelings, memories were trying to pull me back there. There's just this… _something,_ like a doubt you can't shake. But I needed to breathe, to find myself… By the time I got here, I was better…but it's haunting. The only thing I knew for sure was our bond, but that's fucking stupid, I_ know _it's greater than any physical talisman.

"There was a part of me that abandoned logic, not caring who saw it. I'd been hiding too long…not weeks, but _years_. I missed the big picture – a mistake that's now happened twice in thirty minutes. To be truthful, I'd said classified because there was no answer to put into words. And, in all seriousness, I can't say if anyone's seen it. Yes, it's probable, but it's not like they'd question a superior, even a recently-deceased one and, given the history of our dynamic, they won't ask Lauren. If anything, the most we'd ever hear are the whispers behind my back."

"…I wish I could hold you." She mouthed the words, it wasn't even a whisper.

"I know."

He folded his arms and became strangely quiet. It was as if the past had been overlaid in the present; his entire demeanor taking her back a decade, back to some of their first encounters. Something inside was telling her to look over toward the SeeDs, maybe they'd offer some clue, but they only offered unpleasant looks. It was obvious that something was up, but Squall obstinately offered no clues himself, verbal or otherwise.

Then it hit her like a ton of Chocobo feathers.

He _had_ offered a clue in the form of whisper, a major one. Either he was trying to find a way to tell her or he was waiting for her to decipher all the clues she was obviously missing herself – damn it, she was starting to feel as oblivious as the octet of SeeDs missing the shiny-sparkly clues in front of their faces.

If she wasn't so pre-occupied, she'd take a moment to ponder her use of octet, she thought it was the correct term…like triplets or quadruplets, wait…maybe that made them octuplets as that sounded right. Then again, maybe the use of the 'lets' suffix had to mean they were related. That's fine, a group of SeeDs was supposed to function as a single unit, although maybe since there were eight of them an octopus seemed more apropos or, better yet, a tentacle monster would fit better…

That's it – she was positive the squad would get some 'cool' code name for the mission. Personally, she'd throw her hat in for dubbing them team Tentacle Moles or _Tentamoles_ because that would be even more _surrealer_.

…Yeah, she was creating her own lexicon again, never a good sign when she could publish her own dictionary. Seriously, she already felt so out of place that now she was feeling stupid, even though she hadn't technically gone through the process of asking him. …So, maybe it was her bad.

Still, Rinoa continued to feel like the lone clownfish in an ocean full of swordfish. Theoretically, she knew better than to compare herself to the others, but human nature won out. Besides what each could define as a 'relationship' with Squall, she and Lauren held very few similarities, but their differences were drastic - different backgrounds, different life experiences and, if continuing to swim with the fish metaphor, far different schooling behaviors.

In Rinoa's eyes, one of the main differences was the efficiency of their problem-solving abilities. What came simply for Lauren, took Rinoa a little more time – often with a detour here and there. That's why this was so upsetting, Lauren probably would've had this still 'unseen' problem solved by now - not only this problem, but she would've figured out the next one, and the one after that, and still had time to give the Ragnarok a proper oil change.

So, here she sat in the middle of an unscheduled detour as she sorted out the pieces. The bait was there, being dangled in front of her – she still couldn't put it together, which made her feel like a very bad fish. Seeing Lauren at the height of professionalism, coupled with her husband's uncanny silence, made her feel as if was demoted from clownfish to barnacle; she was the arthropod incapable of sustaining itself independently, existing only as long as the rusted anchor it clung to remained in the water.

Oh well, the world couldn't be comprised of all swordfishes - clownfish and barnacles had their places, plus taking a few extra minutes to figure things out made you appreciate the process more. Not to mention, being a swordfish was overrated because even if they did spear a fish, they had no way of eating it. Plus, from what she remembered they were antisocial fish, staying a good ten meters from one of their own kind, which is probably why her husband held up to the metaphor so well. They also tended to eat their young, a wonderful metaphor for SeeD if she'd ever heard one. It also made her realize that she spent way too much time reading the back of cereal boxes, she could quote fish-facts but that was about it.

Maybe time had jaded her. When she hired SeeD years ago, she was young and naïve, thinking ideals could still change the world. Now, seeing politics and politicians in action, she'd ironically grown to associate those who hired SeeD under-the-table as the true barnacles, permanently attaching to a stronger host and…And just like that, it suddenly clicked as all the pieces slammed into place.

Like her analogy – today she was going to be the barnacle or she was going to hire one. Screw it; she wanted to be a goddamn clownfish again.

It had been more than what Squall had just said while whispering; an earlier comment had all but spelled it out, if only she'd listened to the answers he'd given, not just the ones she'd been waiting to hear. The biggest clue had been in their exchange about 'formers' and 'exes' and the answers he'd given and the ones he hadn't. But, he was right - it had been a trap – although maybe she was the one caught in the snare.

The problem he'd mentioned, his silent contemplation…it was no surprise that it all pointed back to the same problem - her favorite group of curious moles in the corner. In their blind eyes, they believed that their beloved mole leader was dating their other beloved mole leader and not the evil mallet…or something like that. It was another thing she'd chalk up on the 'don't mention to Squall' list as she apparently called her husband a mole leader, although she did preface it with 'beloved.' Again, it was one of those things that made sense in her head at the time…sort of.

If she'd hit the mole on the head and he was trying to find a way to explain it, she'd put Squall out his misery. It was her duty as a foam-covered mallet after all.

"So, Lauren's still your girlfriend…as far as they're concerned. Am I correct?"

"Why did you say that?" He came across far more upset than he'd intended, mostly due to the degree of shock.

"Ding. High score," she said mumbled sarcastically; chances were good he'd hear her but, under the circumstances, chances were even better that he'd let it go. Still, he deserved an answer, actually no, she deserved an answer, but like so many other times when it came to their relationship, that was semantics – logic was useless here. She kept her skepticism to herself as she explained herself.

"Just a feeling. It all adds up – when you've spoken, you've dropped a lot of bread crumbs, but my best guess is that was intentional. Or it also could just be your subconscious continuing to work when your conscious took a break to look at pretty trees. The verbal clues could've been to soften the blow or just a way of feeling me out. Plus, swordfish aren't social, they're known for keeping their distance – and keeping your distance is something you two probably do naturally."

Squall had to admit he was impressed and equally as taken aback. Uncrossing his arms, they now remained in a far more natural position at his sides. Her hand quickly snapped up.

"That!" she said firmly as she moved her finger up and down, as if pointing to his entire body. "_That_ was also a dead giveaway. Seconds ago, I felt as if I was looking at your past self – the obstinate, rigid, seemingly obnoxious guy that I'd first encountered when I was just a mere client. Figured the trip down memory lane was one of two possibilities. First, you were lost in your head, uncomfortable about what you needed to say – a throwback to the past. Or, Ultimecia _had _actually beensuccessful in Time-Compression and felt strongly that, with literally with all of history at her fingertips, switching your past self with the current self was the best use of bending space and time."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm impressed."

"Don't be, actually the Ultimecia thing is true and she already gave me the heads-up on the future – turns out I hate your plan, but it also turns out that I'm nice, so I go along with it. Because hate it or not, I get it." A moment of silence passed between them, before she admitted the truth. "To be honest, I'm actually impressed too – I knew there was something, but didn't think I'd figure it out."

"You sell yourself short."

"Maybe. I just knew there was a bigger picture I couldn't see as _this _wasn't making sense. Now I get that's one of the reasons our conversation has gone on so long, although… I have a feeling I'm still missing that last piece of the puzzle. Lauren doesn't let give anybody this much free reign on a leash without pulling the slack. She should've been over here, pulling you back to the other Tentamoles_."_

He narrowed his eyes in confusion; did she just say Tentamoles? …Maybe she said tentacles? Neither made any sense in any context that he could imagine…was it a Malboro reference? Curiosity may make him ask her later, but for now the goal had been to placate her – as she wasn't going to be happy later. It also dawned on him she was still talking; this was likely a side effect of nervous energy. He nodded in agreement, although he wasn't sure to what - not listening was probably a bad move. Thankfully for him, it had been a relatively-harmless gesture.

"…You've been trying to have us keep our distance, though to paraphrase Selph, we've already blow that to smithereens. Squall, I get it, I mean I do…I'm not thrilled and it's a little weird or _a lot_ of weird, but what about this isn't a little bit weird?"

"Stop. It will be fine." His statement had been firm, but that didn't mean he wasn't sympathetic. He didn't have to look in the glass to know what she was feeling; he was feeling it too. "I don't like it either."

"No, you don't," she sighed. The defeat that was inevitable. "Do you honestly think it will help?"

"Honestly?" He stopped again, although his wavering wasn't helping either of them. She'd already proven she was savvy enough to piece together the answer; it was just about hearing it from his mouth.

"Yes, honestly, I virtually insist upon it when I'm asking you a direct question that, even in theory, puts you back with your former girlfriend. You know 'former' as the one you were with about two weeks ago and, if memory serves, technically never broke up with."

The pressure was starting to get to her manifesting itself in different ways. Though, she did wonder if he'd pick on the subtle verbal clues she dropped.

He noticed. He was also intelligent enough not to engage her on certain topics; she was speaking out of emotion – just as he'd acted out of emotion wearing the ring.

"Then fine, yes, I think it's going to help. In fact, I think how we want to play this out is the only feasible option. This is the part I didn't think through as much as I should've… I was hell bent on doing this on my own terms and I absolutely, honestly would still do that if you don't want to follow along but…"

"Zone, the mission. I get it."

"They'll respond better if…"

This is where he needed to tread lightly, as saying, "wasn't back with the person they all despised. Oh, by the way, I may have a slight hand in fueling the fire," wasn't going to win him husband of the year. In fact, if he'd said that, he doubted he'd make it as husband for a year.

"I just think it'll be less drama. I'm not doubting their abilities as SeeDs, but I also know sometimes those personal biases can slip through."

"No, it's the opposite - you _are_ doubting their abilities as SeeDs or we wouldn't be having this discussion."

"Fine." She had him - nothing like starting to believe your own lie. It was a habit that may take awhile to break - somehow SeeD's philosophy and the bottom line had held more of a hold on him than he realized.

"Commander Leonhart, I was being honest when I said 'I get it,' but nowhere is it written that I have to like it. Our relationship isn't the point and I didn't come here to show up the SeeDs or Lauren or anything like that, I came here to protect Zone. If I have to play along for a few hours, I'll consider that a small price to pay."

"Just so you know, I'm not going to go out of the way by saying Lauren and I are together, I'm just going to do my job…Speaking of which, there is something else I have to mention. Lauren and I talked and…"

"Shock and surprise," she replied sarcastically, "Figured that one out too, just tell me please."

"As of now, SeeD is your client."

"You work for Timber…so the government hired SeeDs as they don't have anyone trained to do this."

She saw where this was going. "No one qualified in this with the exception of Zone and Watts, right? And since we were aware there was a mole leaking information about the World Council – as we have proof there was an illegal download from the office, we called in someone who could help. Logically, even with our turbulent past, I'd want to work with the best – or the headmaster ordered the best to work with me, either way works…I'd prefer that latter, makes me seem a little less desperate to see you again because I still think you're an ass. And, this conversation we're having is me filling you in on what I know, or don't know. We aren't even looking at each other…so it appears awkward. Did I miss anything?"

"I'm even more impressed now. Lauren and I hadn't worked that much out, but we also didn't have time. But really, good job - smart, logical, and didn't involve accessorizing sorceresses or playing leapfrog on a moving train."

"God, I was right, I do think you're an ass. Seriously, you're an ass." She hadn't realized how loud she was until she took note that in a rare miscalculation of the game - all the moles were staring at once.

"Actually, you're right… we're forced to work together so there'd be some animosity between us."

"I wasn't acting."

"I know."

She smiled. "Good."

"Come on, let's go. Since you're the client, you'd be involved in the briefing, at least the overview."

"What? No?" Her head spun around to look at him. "You're fired, you're all fired then."

"I'm calling the bluff. You're not firing us - you care about Zone. Just remember, we'll… just play it by ear."

It was one of those things where her feet moved although her mind was willing them against it. Then again, as that had happened to her on more than one occasion, it was probably not the best example. She followed him, although very, _very_ begrudgingly. Seeing the giant 'bloberous' Tentamole with eight heads, and a Lauren, looking at her was rather unnerving – unnerving enough that she'd invented a new adjective for her repertoire.

Thankfully, Squall was the one to do the speaking.

"I'm sure all of you are aware of who Ms. Heartilly is by now. Since I wasn't sure if she'd like to remain anonymous or not, I left it out of the earlier briefing. However, after a brief exchange, we decided it was best to let you know."

Rinoa didn't smile, instead relied on her years of working in Timber and being forced to attend social and political events with Caraway. She'd learned the façade and the rules of etiquette – although several of those were bent or flat-out broken during her slightly more rebellious adolescent phase.

With a small nod, she finally spoke to them. "On behalf of all parties involved, your assistance is appreciated."

"Ms. Heartilly is representing one of our clients. She's the liaison for Timber's government, who's called us in for this mission. Normally, a task force like this wouldn't be necessary, but they've discovered an internal breach – one that likely contains classified World Council data. It goes without saying, but each and every one of you knows what that can potentially mean for Garden."

Moving towards the front, Lauren purposely stood between Squall and Rinoa. It was a given that his assurance alone wouldn't be good enough; she'd reiterate the fact the trio had formed a temporary truce of sorts. "I expect everyone to demonstrate the utmost level of professionalism. The three of us understand that this mission is greater than the past. Personal relationships and feelings should be left at the door – we have and now SeeD demands the same from you."

Rinoa stood stone-faced as Squall continued – any emotion, any movement would be scrutinized and interpreted by them and honestly, she just couldn't…not today.

"I understand this situation isn't ideal. As I'm sure you're all aware, the situation is far from ideal for myself and Commander Rachels too. I could stand here and act as if there's no history with Rinoa Heartilly, but I respect everyone too much – we're far beyond games."

Squall Leonhart was still SeeD's commander – just as he was ten minutes ago, ten days ago, and, yes, even ten years ago – it was just as he was now.

At least for today, the title remained his and his alone; in the future, Lauren Rachels could either borrow it or keep it - that wasn't his battle. Today, _this _was his battle. So, while he wouldn't give up his designation, he would give up a small piece of himself. To his own surprise, his guard dropped just enough to let an ounce of humanity slip its way through. No, it wouldn't stop the whispers and errant looks, but maybe it would slow them down – and even the tiniest amount would be a victory. He'd said it best just moments before - they were far beyond games.

"I don't owe anyone here an answer, but I'll respect you enough to offer one. To briefly touch on a question that you were asking yourself since I walked on deck – yes, I was on a mission. Yes, it was necessary for the world to believe the assassination had been successful. And yes, the attempt and the bullet were both very real as was the life-saving surgery. Besides Zell Dincht, _everybody_ in this room believed the same – that was by design. I had no intentions of disclosing this, but there's only one way to build trust – a foundation of truth. I was slated to work both missions concurrently but, as the first concluded, my entire focus was able to shift on the one in front of us. If my involvement today could've been avoided – that would've been preferable for all involved. However, this isn't about us – _any of us_ \- it's about a potential top-tier security breach. It goes without saying, but over the last decade Garden has woven an intricate relationship with the World Council. Because of this, the headmaster made the call to belay my order to return to Garden. It stands to reason that my presence here - or anywhere other than a grave – is going to turn an already volatile situation into an extreme powder keg."

He took a well-timed breath to gage their reactions. So far nobody was lighting a match - the keg and his momentary sanity remained intact, but time would be the final jury. He wanted to place an emphasis on his next words; the intent went beyond the surface. There was no way to protect Rinoa, but maybe he could at least shield her from some of their malice. If not, again maybe find a way to slow it down.

"Think. Every action you make or any word spoken needs to be thoroughly thought out. It's the smallest most seemingly innocent acts that often ignite the largest consequence. If you think you're already treading light – _tread even lighter_. Remember, Headmaster Kramer's deceit went beyond the World Council – governments, dignitaries, press…and millions more across the globe bought into Garden's loss. Some will understand, some won't and many of those won't forgive so easily; it takes time to build relationships, but it takes only one lie to have it all come crumbling down. That's why the headmaster, along with his advisors, are assessing and addressing each on an individual basis."

No explosion – still a win. "That's why we're giving you an order – my involvement doesn't leave this room - even if you think it's a harmless text, it's not. Don't hinge your entire career on gossip – no games is a two way street. Each of you, Mr. Dincht, Commander Rachels, and myself – our involvement was a direct order from the headmaster. He believes that, as cohesive team, we provide the best chance for success – everything we do, including how we interact with our liaison, needs to be upheld under the microscope of the World Council. The headmaster is currently with them in Esthar as they convened in an emergency session – he'll obviously let them in on other things too, but one mission at a time. You don't have to like it. I don't have to like it. We have to put our feelings aside and show the Council that their funding has created a capable team."

And that was, in its own way, the truth.

For SeeD, it was always about the bottom line; a high mission success rate equated to more funding. The headmaster and the governing board cared about facts; they cared about endgame statistics as they'd be printed on paper. The cared about what was tangible only if it fueled their needs. What they didn't care about were hurt feelings, love triangles, and bitterness. It was a military installation, not the setting for a soap opera - although experience taught Squall that one didn't necessarily preclude the other.

There were three physical entities that comprised the Garden system; it was always more than the buildings, but rather the power harnessed within. War often left shattered remnants of heroes and villains and, when the pieces fell, those left to govern themselves often became the true madmen. That's why the Garden committee didn't care who screwed someone over or who was screwing someone over in the Training Center - as long as the bottom-line wasn't in the red, many behaviors were conveniently overlooked. Besides being the poster boy for SeeD, Squall had also become the poster boy for having his issues swept under the rug. Squall's squad may have no longer respected him as a leader, they could also have thought a little less of Lauren, hell, they could even loath Rinoa with a seething passion, but all of those were non-factors.

He was still loyal to the SeeDs and wanted them to do well on a personal level; he'd hate for his relationship with Rinoa to be what cost them their career – although the fault would be theirs, he still hoped to avoid any long-term consequences. That's why if his first warning failed, and the World Council angle fell through, he had other cards to play. These SeeDs were in the dark about his resignation, a fact that he wasn't afraid to use to his advantage. Call it reverse psychology, but he could threaten exactly what he didn't want to happen as very real possibility. In other words, he'd pressure them by using 'career blackmail,' not a road he wanted to travel by any means, but a mark for insubordination would reflect negatively for years to come. On principle, they could shirk his or Lauren's authority but, when denied a promotion or a raise, he could bet for damn sure that they'd regret this moment.

Again, he understood why they disliked Rinoa; he'd even admit the part he played. To some, it was about_ what_ she was - to others, it was _who_ she was. In the matter of fairness, to those few who may have valid reasons to be wary of any sorceress, he empathized. Several tragedies had been at their hand and over the last few decades several lives had been needlessly lost. It wasn't fair to hold one accountable for the actions of another but, again, although he didn't agree, he understood. However, to those people who were asinine enough to dislike her for 'stealing' him from Quistis, or simply because they'd been dating, or worse yet, those who never based it solely on rumors and gossip (before he'd put his own slant on it, that is) - that's where the line was drawn.

He thought it was ridiculous how many at Garden, students and faculty alike, felt as if they'd had some sort of claim to his personal life. Maybe that's why he realized this was a mistake. When Rinoa walked in, Squall studied them as they studied her. What he saw behind their eyes went far beyond malicious glares; their entire demeanor had transformed as if a stray Hexadragon found its way into the crew room. They'd taken a defensive posture and _were _preparing, at least subconsciously, for a fight…that intense hatred tore his heart to the core. Squall may not have started this one-sided war but, years ago, he'd been more than happy to help fan the flames. Not only had he'd found branches to use as kindling, he'd pulled up a lawn chair just to watch it burn. What started as a small campfire had grown into a full-blown inferno. In the end, he was the one who had lit the match.

Maybe his earlier theory also held true for the past – it was over – and all he could do was mitigate the damage.

"I need to have Ms. Heartilly sign some documents." Lauren touched Rinoa's arm briefly, urging her to follow.

Since Rinoa couldn't turn and look at Squall for encouragement without raising about fifty red flags or realistically eight – those belonging to the arms Tentamole, she glanced towards Zell and Laguna, who were…well, they were doing _something_ useful. At least, she supposed they were, right? Of course, they couldn't give away anything either, but she saw a sympathetic look on both their faces – at least, she _would've,_ had they been paying attention. She'd freely admit that she had let her imagination run a little wild in these trying times, but she was fairly certain she'd made a correct assumption.

It took all she could do not to stumble over her own feet, which would've been the cherry on the top of this_ perfect_ morning.

"What's wrong?" she asked in a hushed tone as she watched the SeeD pick up a large manila envelope.

"Nothing. I just felt it was best for the mission to remove you from the situation. You'd fulfilled your purpose; there was no reason to keep you around. Leonhart can handle it for the time being. It's also beneficial to have them see you and I interacting civilly as it lends credence to our cover."

"Oh, of course, credence, _that _makes sense…and it's not at all awkward – as in really _aawwkkwarrdd_ \- or anything," she replied sarcastically.

It had been the textbook definition of a delayed reaction as her actions had taken several seconds to register. The result? An almost comical reaction as her eyes widened and her mouth fell open in shock. She quickly regained her composure, or at least the now-tattered pieces that could be salvaged. Honestly, mocking Lauren had _not _been on the day's agenda, but leave it to Rinoa to pencil it in.

…Fine, minor correction: mocking Lauren _out loud_ had not been on today's agenda. Because well, Rinoa was only human after all and Lauren was…Lauren – annoyingly perfect on the career front, all-around put together and on top of things, the polar opposite of her. Plus, saying sarcastic comments in the privacy of her own mind didn't usually land her in trouble.

Lauren, however, was not impressed.

"Okay then. Why don't we sit?" If the girl wanted an awkward encounter, she'd succeeded. Lauren did her best to remain on track as she handed her the large envelope. "Open it up, leaf through it, pretend that you're reading it or do read it - makes no difference."

Opening the folder, Rinoa pulled out the small stack of papers. Once she gleaned the first pages of the documents, she looked up curiously. "What is this? I mean these papers that I'm either reading or not reading…as, apparently, it's my choice."

"What are they or what are they supposed to be? They're supposed to be standard Garden contracts, information and intel that we'd share with you as a client. You're aware of the standard document packet, correct? I was under the impression that you'd actually hired SeeD before, albeit at a reduced rate - so you know the drill or does that not make sense either?"

Rinoa winced. It appeared that she'd managed to make it onto Lauren's bad side with one misstep…the misstep the size of The Great Salt Lake, but a misstep nonetheless. She wondered if an apology would help or hurt. Or, was it best just to smile and nod? In the end, she did neither and instead looked at the documents in her hands which, by all accounts, were _not _any sort of Garden forms.

"But, what are they really?" It seemed that Lauren was rather eager to answer that question.

"Some random eBook from the internet - _Counting the Wind_ or _Calling the Wind_…it's something about wind. In reality, it just so happened to be the first available download after a quick online search. The truth is - you're _not _a client and we're _not_ obligated to share information with you. I thought reading something might entertain you, although it was a free download – I wasn't wasting Garden's Gil."

This…sucked. She'd had nightmares go better than this; hell, being junctioned to Adel may have been a sliver above this. This was all becoming too much. She didn't even know she did it, habit she guessed, but she reached for her ring.

Then it was just like it all came flooding out. Maybe she should've had a filter. Maybe she'd appear weak…or maybe, just maybe, she really didn't care this time.

"I'm sorry all right? I don't even know why I said it, besides the fact I wasn't thinking. For the last ten minutes I've had people staring at me. Do you know what it's like to walk into a room where everyone hates you? You know how often I find myself doing it? And you know, one of the people who never made me feel like some freak of nature, who was there for me through everything… I'm going to lose him today. He's been my best friend since I was sixteen and now…that will just be gone. And yes, I can never forget what he did to Squall, but I'm going to have to forgive him for my own sanity. You know, even Squall will forgive him."

She hadn't realized how much emotion had built up or the how her eyes were watering. She wasn't crying,_ yet_, but she'd fight her damndest to keep that from happening. But if her best wasn't good enough, fuck it. She'd been strong for SeeD long enough. She was glad Lauren hadn't commented, although she feared the response – maybe that was one of the main reasons she continued.

"So maybe…I don't know, maybe forgive me because I need you today? And do you know how goddamned hard that is for me to say? How hard it is for me to sit with you, talk with you? And no, we're not friends, we'll never be, but we don't have to be enemies either… and all of this has been so much, but I'm trying. I'm _trying._ Everything keeps piling on, but here I am finding a way to get through it – right now, by myself. But I'm used to that, I've been the outsider since I was a child. But I'm hanging on, even if it's by a wire. So, I'm sorry… it was a stupid mistake."

There was a long pause. It wasn't just her imagination or something exaggerated for dramatic effect, it was long – by all accounts, a half minute of silence. Rinoa had begun to think it was no longer a pause, but rather screeching halt. She'd live with that, at least a dead stop was better than many of the alternatives.

"I lied." Lauren leaned forward as she turned towards the window. "I didn't download it. I didn't randomly search for it. Hell, I didn't even get it for free, I paid for it. At least, awhile ago. It's my favorite story and I had it saved on my hard drive I keep hidden in a file. The rest is true though, well sort of. We do have standard contracts as you know, but given the situation, it's irrelevant. But, we have no further information – basically everything we have has been something you or Mr. Seagill had given us."

It was odd, and admittedly a bit creepy, that Lauren was apologizing in an extremely-similar way to how Squall would. It was never a direct sorry, at least back then at the beginning of his tenure – a sign of weakness in his eyes. Rinoa had noticed parallels many times before in their speech and mannerisms. She decided that one day she'd have to ask Laguna about this to make sure there was zero possibility of Squall having a twin sister switched at birth…

…Okay, she'd never do that. Plus it was far too many levels of weird and wrong to even begin to comprehend – so many, _many_ levels of weird and wrong.

That being said, these similarities allowed Rinoa to catch onto something, however.

"Why keep it hidden?"

"What?"

She was caught off-guard.

"The file, you said it was hidden in a file. I know Garden allows you to keep some personal items on there, as long as they don't distract from work."

"It's not a distraction." She actually let out a small laugh, much to both of their surprises. "I guess… I guess I just don't want anyone finding it. Actually, I've never told anybody that. It's just… I guess it kind of conflicts with certain aspects of my life. I feel as if I need to be working, not spending time reading some ridiculous romance."

"It's not ridiculous at all. Do you think that if others found out you like romance novels or something they'd think less of you?"

"Think less of me, no. Think less of me as a SeeD, yes. I've wanted to be a headmaster since I was a child. Some kids want to be race car drivers or princesses, I wanted to be a headmaster. I feel as if I wouldn't be taken seriously if people knew. It's better that they think I read books about wilderness survival or integration techniques rather than some silly love story."

"I get it. It's a different standard for you than others, even more than Squall. Just… you know, balance the books about shooting with books on romance. You'll lose yourself if you don't and one day you'll regret that you gave up something you enjoy."

Lauren sighed. "It's not that I read them all the time, or even every week… just sometimes when the mood hits. But, that's not who I'm supposed to be, or rather the persona I've established. I've worked hard at that and yes it's important to me. If it means giving up a few books, I will. That's why the relationship with Squall was so perfect, because I didn't have to compromise the soldier part of me. If anything, it kept me more focused on my goal." Leaning back into the chair, she took a deep breath. "That was way out of line. I promise there was no malicious intent behind it."

"I know it wasn't malicious. No worries. Plus, as you may recall, I'm sorta the queen of foot-in-mouth."

"You can say it was awkward, I won't hold it against you."

Rinoa knew it was a throwback to her earlier mistake, but again it was like one of those hard to understand olive branches that Squall was famous for. Now Rinoa let out a small laugh, before taking Lauren's advice to heart.

"I think I will, that was…_awwkkwarrdd_," she drawled.

Rinoa hadn't noticed that Squall had been released from the Kraken, or the Tentamole, or whatever she felt like currently referring to the eight-headed, sixteen-armed monster in the corner. He was walking toward them, keeping his commander expression firmly intact.

He saluted as neared. "Commander Rachels, Ms. Heartilly."

Lauren stood to return the gesture.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

Lauren articulated her words with precise, crisp staccato syllables. "Just comparing notes." Yet, to the trained ear there had been a mischievous undertone, "comparing notes and stories, sir."

The dumbfounded look on Squall's face was priceless. Rinoa didn't know if he was actually dumbfounded or it was intense, paralyzing, all-encompassing fear – it was surely one of the two. She'd hand it to Lauren as the setup had to be intentional.

"_Awwkkwarrdd_," Rinoa reiterated for a third time, although by far her favorite time. She also had to ask, "And seriously, did you plan on catching us at a good time? Really?"

"I-I don't know how to respond to any of this. I'm… slightly terrified."

Rinoa laughed and even Lauren had to crack a smile as his response was so clueless that it had actually been completely endearing. "It's fine, we're giving you a hard time. I'm just here, you know, perusing these awesome SeeD contracts or whatever that script says I'm supposed to say. Sadly, nobody slipped a copy under my door this morning – might've been helpful or at least a head's up to the script's revisions because we all know my adlibbing skills leave a lot to be desired."

Lauren had retaken her seat, playing her part quite well. She was shuffling through the paperwork, acting as if she was separating parts and handing them to the potential client. It was a perfect dance of give-and-take as if they had been real documents and she was negotiating in a real contract meeting; she was following the actual protocol to a 'T' sans documents and an actual client – small details, of course. Squall had moved next to Lauren, playing his part too as he leaned on the back of the chair, leaving Rinoa to sit alone.

Squall was about defend himself, although it would've been a fruitless endeavor, but stopped himself as he saw that Kiros had finally returned, with Ward in tow. He watched as both aides quickly made their way towards Laguna, skillfully avoiding eye contact – an act that was deliberate. It was obvious that they'd asked the President for a moment of privacy. Zell smiled sheepishly, edging himself closer to the other SeeDs. He reintegrated himself into the group and looked at something being pointed out on the map. Squall was grateful. Maybe Zell could keep them focused on work rather than the 'entertainment.' Then again, that might be asking the impossible, but Squall actually felt for the guy – again, the martial artist found himself caught in between an awkward situation and two even more _awkward _ones.

By the time Squall glanced back, Kiros had dismissed himself and was heading in their direction. There was something in the way he walked - the look, the demeanor…Squall didn't like it. Given his profession, he'd been around bad news more often than good and he already knew this wasn't a sign of the latter.

"Commander," Kiros began but corrected himself, "_Commanders._ Rinoa."

Squall acknowledged him, but remained on alert.

"I need a word."

And there it was.

Squall knew that whatever followed next wasn't going to be good. Kiros had taken a phone call, and that was on the other side of thirty minutes ago. No call of that length ever held good news. Whatever this was, if it truly was that bad, he wanted to be there for Rinoa and, given their current script, it wasn't going to be possible. In sports terms, he needed to run interference. In layman's terms, he wanted them to leave.

"Can we step outside? If it's a security issue, it needs to be kept contained."

Lauren wanted to roll her eyes. Seriously? She wouldn't as it would be the height of unprofessionalism, especially with the highest-ranking members of Esthar's regime present, two of whom she respected greatly – and Laguna. Honestly, since they were already out of earshot, she would've preferred Squall just to come out and say the truth, rather than playing it off as some newfound 'security concerns.'

Although, Lauren couldn't say exactly what the truth entailed, she figured it was some variation of, "Can we step outside? If it's bad news, I want to hold Rinoa so she doesn't have scary dreams."

Alright, maybe she was no better than Rinoa on the sarcastic front, but she just had enough sense to keep the comments to herself. And, for the most part, she didn't think Rinoa was a horrible person. In fact, she had some decent qualities and she seemed genuine – something that was a rarity in her line of work. It was just the circumstance she found herself in and she honestly had no idea who Squall was. After he was shot, he came back a different person. It was not unheard of, in fact, quite the opposite, it was just difficult for her. Someone she respected, admired and cared about – yes, she did care about him, was just gone. There were glimpses sometimes, moments of his former self, but it was…different. If truth be told, she wasn't sure if she was mourning a great commander, or something else.

She didn't feel as if the term jealousy fit as it was far too archaic, plus it had never been what their relationship was about…but maybe (and it was very big maybe) there was jealousy in what he'd found. And it was for that reason that she never tried to analyze her annoyance; it could've been that or it could've been just plain annoyance. For now, she'd accept it at face value and allow herself to be irritated every time someone said or did something stupid or went against SeeD regulations. Calculating a quick mathematical formula, early indications proved that she was going to be in for a very, _very_ long and irritating day.

At least, she wasn't completely alone. It seemed that Kiros took a second to digest Squall's request too, but was willing to be accommodating. Something inside her had a feeling he was slightly irritated too – there was a joke about 'sensing her own kind' or being a 'kindred spirit' in there somewhere.

"That's fine. Follow me, there's a better space on the gangway outside the west entrance."

It was sort of humorous in an ironically-pathetic way; she and Squall both quickly began to follow Kiros whereas Rinoa leaned back in her chair and started to 'read' the paperwork. It suddenly dawned on Lauren that Mrs. Leonhart _really_ didn't have a clue and was seriously buying into Squall's security concerns. Poor girl. Even more, Lauren couldn't believe that Squall had been the first one to leave the room – now she was forced to turn around, go back, and be the one to retrieve Rinoa. She knew it was probably because Squall was staying in character by not hanging on her or every word she said - something he obviously intended to remedy outside the crew room.

Lauren had absolutely zero idea what Kiros wanted, but they wouldn't allow something as inconsequential as truth get in the way. She pursed her lips before she forcing the words from her mouth. "Ms. Heartilly, please come with us. The information pertains to Timber and as their official liaison, it's best we keep you apprised of all developments."

And it was done, the best acting job she'd done since the play she'd been in as junior cadet. She played a carrot. Her co-stars were broccoli and asparagus. Today, she played a third wheel – without a doubt, she much preferred working with the vegetables.

Once they were in the corridor, Squall took his place to the right of his wife, although there was no physical contact. Kiros was about getting to the point. He wasn't going to sugarcoat this, even with Rinoa present.

"At 0400 hours, there was a disturbance at Esthar's long-term detainment facility. Duncan Sirtis reportedly attacked two armed guards while in transport. A struggle ensued as two nearby guards tried to regain control of the situation. In the end, it took six armed men before Sirtis was neutralized."

"Neutralized?" The word fell out of Rinoa's mouth as a question, but there had been no doubt.

"Killed."

"No, _executed_." Lauren corrected, refusing to hold back punches for anybody's sake.

Rinoa felt the already tight knot in her stomach grow. "But his health? He couldn't…_six _guards?"

"No, he wouldn't," Squall agreed. "He _didn't_."


End file.
